“HE CAME ALONG DRAGGING ONE FOOT AFTER ANOTHER.”
“HE CAME ALONG DRAGGING ONE FOOT AFTER ANOTHER.”
“HE CAME ALONG DRAGGING ONE FOOT AFTER ANOTHER.”
“‘But why didn’t you give up the pills?’
“‘I was afraid to; they were illegal pills. I made them for you, as a friend, because I know your temperament.’
So then I asked him how did the whole thing happen; and he told me—
“‘That’s just what I can’t make out for the life of me. They tore off with me to the other end of the world; and then there came a telegram: ‘Send him back; its the wrong man.’ So they brought me back; and I began asking at the head office what it was all about. They poked and muddled and fussed over their papers, and at last they got to the root of the whole matter. And what do you think it was? What do you suppose was the cause of it all?’
“‘How should I know? I’ve hardly got to the bottom of my own case yet.’
‘Well,’ says he, ‘it was all because of that scoundrel Lipàtkin.’
“Lipàtkin, I must tell you, is a shopkeeper in our town; he’s just a regular bloodsucker, and nothing else. So I asked him what Lipàtkin could have to do with it; and he said—
“‘When I had the business at Sousàlov, I hired rooms from him, and it was in the contract that I should repair the roof. Well, if you remember, I didn’t get on; and so I left the town and didn’t repair the roof, because, you see, as I had paid beforehand, and went away four months before the time was up, I didn’t see that I was bound to do it. I gave up my business, and off I went. But old Lipàtka[57]thought he’d screw some money out of me; so he hunted up some pettifogging notary and scribbled off a complaint to the Medical Department at St. Petersburg, asking to have apothecary so-and-so forced to pay, and all the rest of it. Well, in the Medical Department they didn’t take the trouble to go into it; they just wrote off to the administration in my province. And when it got to the head office of the province, they mixed up one paper with another; and they wrote to the district office: ‘Summonthe apothecary to explain.’ So when the paper got to the district, I wasn’t there, so they set to work and made up a third paper: ‘Find and forward apothecary.’ And off they sent it to Moscow. So in Moscow they hunted me up. As soon as ever I got to Moscow and handed in my passport to the police, of course they nabbed me. Well, then, of course there were those unlucky pills; they wanted to take them away, and I wouldn’t give them up, and tried to hide them. And so they began to suspect all sorts of things. And at last they got so muddled at the head office that they mixed everything up together, and somehow the devil got into the thing. And now that I’ve gone back to my lodgings, all my luggage is stolen, and I don’t know what on earth I am to do.’
“So I asked him what he was there for; and he said—
“‘Why, to answer that old bloodsucker’s summons.’
“‘About the roof?’
“‘Yes; still that confounded roof. He wants thirty-four and a half roubles; but I shan’t give him a penny. And I shall call him up for the four months’ over-payment. I’ve begun a counter-suit against him. Two can play at that game, my fine fellow! I’ve dug a little pit too! When they’ve heard both our cases, you’d better come to my lodgings to rest.’
“Well, the law-suits began. First of all they heard the case of the apothecary and Lipàtkin, and found for the apothecary, and Lipàtkin didn’t get a penny. So when that was done, they took up my case. Dear heart! what a business it was! I can tell you my great gun of a counsel hit the right nail on the head; he didn’t leave them a leg to stand on. At last the public prosecutor got up and said—‘No,’ says he, ‘it’s no use; I give it up.’ But mine never stopped; he just went on hammering and blazing, and letting off fireworks at them; and the end of it was they all got up and said: ‘He’s innocent!’ And there you are.”
“There’s a statute about that,” interrupted one of the skinflints: ‘In cases of reciprocal fisticuffing and mutual personal insults, all parties are innocent.’
“That’s just it. ‘You’re innocent,’ said they, ‘because the fisticuffing was reciprocal. You can go home.’ So we went out into the street, all the lot of us: the Mediterranean squadron, and the carpenters, and the doorkeepers, and I; and there we stood in the street, fifty or sixty of us, like so many green geese. You see, it was a bit strange; we’d been banging and slashing at each other like the biggest blackguards you could find; and here we come out as innocent as new-born babes. So there we stood on the pavement, as dumb as any stocks and stones. All of a sudden up comes that knave Rodiòn, with his cap off.”
“‘I’ve come to ask your honour’s pardon.’
“‘I should just think you had, after what you’ve done, you blockhead!’
“‘Well, I don’t know, sir.... We were told to let the police know, because there was one of those papers. People like us only have to do as we are told.... Just pass it over this once, sir, and take me on again.... The Lord will reward you for it.... It’s very hard on a poor man; it all comes upon us.’ Of course as soon as Rodiòn had done, a carpenter began—‘Forget and forgive, sir....’ You know yourself the times are so bad nowadays.... What could we do, when they said to us: “Mind you watch him carefully; he’s mixed up in a bad business!” ‘Don’t take it ill, sir.’... ‘So it was you, was it, you blockhead,’ I asked, ‘that got me into trouble?’ ‘If you please, sir, it was all of us. But, if you please, sir, it seems to me that we’re pretty well quits; for you’ve got a good-sized fist of your own, and you let us know it.’—Well, as soon as the carpenter had done, the gendarmes began: ‘It was all a misunderstanding; we’re very sorry.’ So I told them: ‘It’s all very well to be sorry; but what did you give meso many bruises for?’ ‘Well,’ said one, ‘you laid my cheek open.’ And then another put in: ‘We only obeyed orders; we had a telegram.... And you knocked me down, you know.... It was nothing but a misunderstanding.... We always.... As you’re a householder we’re very sorry....’ Then it was just the same with the apothecary; Lipàtkin came up and said: ‘Let’s make it up; don’t go to law against me.’ And the clerk of the police-station began excusing himself: ‘You know what troubled times we have nowadays! If a fellow has to sit the whole day long, from morning till night, writingInstantly, andApprehend, andProduce, it’s not much wonder if he makes a mistake.... Such dangerous times!’... And they all came swarming round me together: ‘Such terrible times nowadays.... If it wasn’t for the times.... We’re very.... With the utmost respect.... Nothing but a mistake.’ And bless you!Iunderstood that the blockheads only wanted to be treated all round! You see, they’d all been so very painstaking; and nobody was guilty; and yet there was no drink going! They thought I ought to have a glass with them. ‘No, no! my fine fellows,’ says I, ‘if you weren’t such a set of dunderheads and blundering asses the times wouldn’t be so dangerous. And the times would be very different too, if all you knaves had got a bit of conscience between the lot of you.’ And I just walked away with the apothecary; and not a drop of drink did any of them get.”
“Is that all?” asked the steward.
“Why, heart alive! isn’t it enough?”