Chapter 8

(EnterPodkolyòssinandKochkaryòv,looking behind them.)

Koch.He didn’t see us. Did you notice what a long face he went out with?

Pod.She surely hasn’t refused him as well as the others!

Koch.Point blank.

Pod.It must be dreadfully embarrassing to be refused!

Koch.I should think so!

Pod.I still can’t believe she really said straight out that she prefers me to all the others.

Koch.Prefers indeed! She’s simply off her head about you. If you’d heard all the sweet names she gave you—why, she’s over head and ears in love!

Pod.(sniggering contentedly). And you know, really,when a woman likes, she can say such words to you as no man would ever think of—“piggykin-snout,” “my own little cockroach,” “blackie.”...

Koch.Oh, that’s nothing! Once you’re married you’ll find out before two months are over what words a woman knows how to use—enough to melt you all away, my lad!

Pod.(laughing). Really?

Koch.Word of honour! Look here, though, we must get to business. Lay your heart bare before her this very minute, and ask for her hand.

Pod.This very minute! My dear fellow, how can you!

Koch.This minute, certainly; and here she comes. (EnterAgàfia.) Madam, I have brought to your feet the mortal whom you see. There never was a man so desperately in love—poor fellow, I wouldn’t wish an enemy to be in such a state....

Pod.(nudging his arm; softly). I say, old fellow, don’t lay it on too thick....

Koch.(aside to him). All right. (Aside to her.) Help him out, he’s very shy; try to be as easy as possible. Make the most of your eyebrows, or keep your eyes down and then flash them at him suddenly—you know how!—or bend your shoulder somehow and let the dog look at it! I’m sorry, though, you didn’t put on a dress with short sleeves; however, it’s no matter. (Aloud.) Well, I leave you in agreeable company. I’ll just look into your dining-room and kitchen a minute; I must make arrangements—the man I ordered the supper from will be here in a minute; perhaps the wine has come already.... Good-bye! (Aside toPodkolyòssin.) Out with it; don’t be afraid! (Exit.)

Agàfia.Will you sit down, please? (They sit down; silence.)

Pod.Do you like the water, madam?

Agàfia.How do you mean—the water?

Pod.I mean—to go boating in summer, in the suburbs.

Agàfia.Yes, we sometimes make an excursion with friends.

Pod.I wonder what sort of summer we shall have?

Agàfia.It is to be hoped it will be fine. (Silence.)

Pod.What is your favourite flower, madam?

Agàfia.The carnation; it smells so sweet.

Pod.Flowers are very becoming for ladies.

Agàfia.Yes, they make an agreeable occupation. (Silence.) What church did you go to last Sunday?

Pod.To the Voznessénsky, and the week before to the Kazansky Cathedral. But it is all the same—one can pray in any church. (Silence.Podkolyòssindrums on the table with his fingers.) The Ekaterinhof excursions will soon begin now.

Agàfia.In a month, I think.

Pod.Even less than a month.

Agàfia.I expect there will be some pleasant excursions.

Pod.To-day is the eighth—(counts on his fingers)—ninth, tenth, eleventh—in twenty-two days.

Agàfia.Dear me, how soon!

Pod.I don’t count to-day in. (Silence.) What a daring race the Russians are!

Agàfia.How so?

Pod.The working men. They will stand right on the top of anything.... I passed a house to-day that was being plastered; and there stood the plasterer ... afraid of nothing.

Agàfia.Indeed? And where was this?

Pod.On my way, where I always have to pass, going to the Department. I attend regularly every day now. (Silence.Podkolyòssinagain drums on the table; at last takes his hat, rises, and bows.)

Agàfia.Going already?

Pod.Yes.... Pardon me, I have perhaps bored you.

Agàfia.How could that be! On the contrary, I oughtto thank you for causing me to pass the time so pleasantly.

Pod.(smiling). Really, I am afraid I have bored you.

Agàfia.Oh no, indeed!

Pod.In that case, allow me to come in some other time—some evening.

Agàfia.With the greatest pleasure. (They bow. ExitPodkolyòssin.)

Agàfia(alone). What a superior person! I have only now learned to know him well; it would be difficult not to love him; he is at once modest and judicious. Yes, his friend spoke truly of him; I am only sorry that he went away so soon—I should have liked to hear him talk some more. How delightful it is to talk with him! The best of all is that he doesn’t talk small talk. I wanted to say two or three words to him, but I suddenly felt so timid, and my heart began to beat so.... What an excellent gentleman! ... I’ll go and tell auntie. (Exit.)

(EnterPodkolyòssinandKochkaryòv.)

Koch.Why go home? Whatever nonsense do you want to go home for?

Pod.What should I stop here for? I’ve said all that’s proper already.

Koch.Then you have made her an offer?

Pod.N—no, that’s the only thing—I haven’t done that yet.

Koch.Well you really are—why didn’t you?

Pod.I should like to know how you expect me, without talking about anything else first, to plump the question that way—“Will you marry me, madam?”

Koch.AndIshould like to know whatever nonsense were you talking about for a whole half-hour?

Pod.Oh, we talked about all sorts of things; and I acknowledge that I’m delighted. I passed the time most agreeably.

Koch.Look here, man, think yourself; when are you going to get it all done at that rate? It will be time to go to church and be married in an hour.

Pod.Are you gone mad? Be married to-day!...

Koch.Why not?

Pod.To-day!

Koch.But you gave me your word; you said that as soon as the other suitors were got rid of, you were ready to be married at once.

Pod.I’m quite willing to keep my word—only not at once. I must have at least a month breathing-time.

Koch.A month!

Pod.Of course.

Koch.Are you gone right off your head?

Pod.I can’t do with less than a month.

Koch.But, you wooden block, you, I’ve ordered the supper!... Look here, Ivàn Kouzmìch, don’t be obstinate, there’s a good fellow; get married at once!

Pod.My good man, what are you thinking of? How could I do it at once?

Koch.Ivàn Kouzmìch, I ask it of you. If you don’t care to do it for your own sake, do it for mine.

Pod.I tell you I can’t.

Koch.You can, my dear fellow, you can, perfectly well; there now, don’t be so whimsical, don’t, please!

Pod.But indeed I can’t do it; just think how odd it would seem!

Koch.What is there odd about it? Who’s been putting that into your head? Now just be sensible and think it over; you’re a clever fellow—I don’t say that to flatter you, or creep into your good graces; I don’t say it because you’re an aulic counsellor—I say it out of sincere affection for you.... There now, dear old chap—make up your mind—look at the thing as a reasonable man should.

Pod.If the thing were possible I would——

Koch.Ivàn Kouzmìch! My dear friend, my good fellow! If you like I’ll go down on my knees to you!

Pod.But why?

Koch.(kneeling). There! I’m on my knees before you! There now, you see, I entreat you! I’ll never forget it if you’ll do me this one favour—give in, please; please give in!

Pod.I tell you, man, I can’t.

Koch.(rising angrily).Pig!!

Pod.Oh, you can rant if you like!

Koch.Idiot! Blockhead! There never was such an ass!

Pod.Rant away; I don’t care!

Koch.Who have I taken all this trouble for? Who have I been working for? All for your good, you nincompoop! I declare I’ll just throw it all up and leave you in the lurch; what’s it to me?

Pod.Certainly, throw it up if you like. Who asked you to give yourself so much trouble?

Koch.But you’ll come to grief altogether—you can’t manage anything without me. If I don’t get you safely married, you’ll be fooled for the rest of your days.

Pod.What’s that to you?

Koch.Oh, you dunderhead! It’s you I’m trying to help!

Pod.I don’t want your help.

Koch.Then go to the devil!

Pod.Very well, I will.

Koch.That’s the right end for you!

Pod.All right.

Koch.Be off with you! Be off! And I wish you may break your leg! With all my heart I wish a tipsy cabman would drive his shafts down your throat! You’re an old rag, not an official! I give you my word that everything’s over between us. Don’t you dare to show your face in my house again!

Pod.I shan’t. (Exit.)

Koch.(alone). Go to the devil—your old friend! (Opens door and bawls after him.) Fool! (Walks up and down in great agitation.) Now, did anybody in the world ever see such a man? The blockhead! Indeed, to speak the truth, I’m a precious fellow, too! Now just tell me, please—I appeal to you all—am I not an ass and a dolt? Why should I toil and moil for him and argue till my throat aches? What’s he to me, please? He’s no kin of mine! And what am I to him—nurse, maiden aunt, mother-in-law, sponsor? Why, why,whythe devil should I take all this trouble and give myself no rest? And all for him—may the foul fiend carry him away! The deuce take it all! Sometimes there’s no making out what a man does a thing for! What a scoundrel! What a sneaking, miserable cad! Oh! you pig-headed brute, you! Wouldn’t I just like to punch your nose and box your ears, and knock out your teeth and——Ah! (Strikes at the air with his fist.) This is the provoking thing about it—he just goes off, and doesn’t care a rap; it all runs off him like water off a duck’s back; that’s what I can’t stand! He’ll just go home to his lodgings and lie on his back and smoke a pipe. Confounded sneak! There are plenty of ugly brutes to be seen, but such a hideous mug passes any man’s power to imagine; you couldn’t invent anything worse if you tried—you couldn’t, really! And he’s just mistaken. I’ll go and fetch him back on purpose, the scoundrel! I won’t let him give the slip like that; I’ll go and bring the sneak back! (Rushes away. EnterAgàfia.)

Agàfia.Really, my heart beats so, I can’t make it out! Whichever way I turn, Ivàn Kouzmìch seems to stand before me. It seems as if one couldn’t escape one’s fate. Just now I wanted to think of something altogether different, but it’s all the same whatever I take up. I’ve tried to wind off some silk and make a reticule, but Ivàn Kouzmìchkeeps getting under my hand. (Silence.) And so now, at last, a change of condition awaits me! They will take me, lead me to the church. Then they will leave me alone with a man—oh! I shudder from head to foot when I think of it. Farewell, my maiden life! (Weeps.) All these years I have lived in peace. I have just gone on living, and now I must be married! And to think of all the cares of marriage: children, boys—they always quarrel and fight—and then there’ll be girls, and they’ll grow up, and one must get them married. And one is fortunate if they find good husbands. But supposing they marry drunkards, or people that may any day gamble away anything they have! (Gradually begins to sob again.) I haven’t had time to enjoy my girlhood; I haven’t lived even twenty-seven years unmarried. (Changing her tone.) I wonder why Ivàn Kouzmìch is so long coming! (EnterPodkolyòssin,Kochkaryòv’shands are seen at the door, shoving him forcibly on to the stage.)

Pod.I have come, madam, to explain a certain matter—only I should wish to know beforehand whether you will not think it strange——

Agàfia(dropping her eyes). What is it?

Pod.No, madam; tell me first, will you think it strange?

Agàfia.I can’t. What is it?

Pod.But confess; I am sure what I am going to say will seem strange to you.

Agàfia.How is that possible? It is a pleasure to hear anything from you.

Pod.But you have never heard this thing from me. (Agàfiadrops her eyes lower.Kochkaryòventers softly, and stands behindPodkolyòssin.) It is about——But perhaps I had better tell you some other time.

Agàfia.What is it?

Pod.It is——It’s true, I wanted to explain to you now; but I still feel a little doubtful.

Koch.(folding his arms, aside). Oh! Gracious heavens! What a man! He’s an old woman’s flannel shoe, not a man. He’s a parody of a man, a burlesque of a man!

Agàfia.Why should you feel doubtful?

Pod.A sort of doubt keeps coming over me.

Koch.(aloud). Oh! how stupid! Oh! how stupid! This is what it’s about, madam: he asks your hand, and wants to tell you that he can’t live, can’t exist without you; he wants to know—do you consent to make him happy?

Pod.(half frightened, excitedly nudging him). I say! don’t!

Koch.Can you decide, madam, to render this mortal happy?

Agàfia.I do not presume to think that I can give happiness——However, I consent.

Koch.Of course, of course; ought to have been settled long ago! Give me your hands!

Pod.In a minute. (Tries to whisper in his ear.Kochkaryòvshakes his fist and frowns at him.Podkolyòssingives his hand.)

Koch.(joining their hands). Well, may God bless you! I consent, and I approve your union. Marriage is a kind of thing——It’s not like just taking a sledge and going for a drive; it’s of quite a different character; it’s an obligation——I haven’t time now, but I’ll tell you afterwards what sort of obligation it is. Well, Ivàn Kouzmìch, kiss your bride; it is your right to do that now; it is your duty to do it. (Agàfiadrops her eyes.) Never mind, madam, it is quite right and proper; let him kiss you!

Pod.No, madam, you must permit me now. (Kisses her, and takes her hand.) What a lovely little hand! Why have you such a lovely little hand? Allow me, madam. I wish that the wedding should be at once—at once, without any delay.

Agàfia.At once? Perhaps that will be too soon.

Pod.I won’t hear of anything! I should like to have it this very minute.

Koch.Bravo! That’s good! That’s a noble fellow! I always had great hopes of you in the future! Indeed, madam, he’s quite right; you’d better go and dress at once. To tell the truth, I’ve sent for the carriage already, and invited the guests; they’re all gone straight to the church. I know your wedding-dress is ready.

Agàfia.Oh! yes; ready long ago. I’ll dress in a minute. (Exit.)

Pod.Well, I thank you, friend! Now I appreciate all your kindness. My own father wouldn’t have done for me what you have done. I see now that you acted from pure friendship. Thank you, old chap! I’ll remember it all my life. (With emotion.) Next spring I’ll certainly go and visit your father’s grave.

Koch.It’s nothing, old man; I’m glad myself. There now; let’s embrace. (Kisses him, first on one cheek, then on the other.) May God give you happiness and prosperity (they kiss), peace and plenty; may you have many children.

Pod.Thank you, friend! Now, at last, only now, I know what life is; a new world has opened before me. Now I see, as it were; that everything moves and lives. I feel, I seem to go off into a mist—I don’t know myself what has come to me. Up till now I never saw or understood all this; I was just like a man that knew nothing; I never thought, never pondered over things; I lived just as any ordinary man does.

Koch.I’m glad, very glad! I’ll just go and see how they’ve set the table; I’ll be back in a minute. (Aside.) All the same, I’d better take away his hat, in case of anything. (Exit, taking hat.)

PODKOLYÒSSIN: “WELL, I DON’T KNOW; IT ISN’T SO HIGH; ONLY ONE STORY.”

Pod(alone). Indeed, what have I been, until now? Have I understood the meaning of life? No, I have understood nothing. What has my bachelor life been worth? What have I done? Of what consequence have I been? I have lived and lived, served, gone to the Department, dined, slept—in a word, I have been a quite ordinary and frivolous man. It is only now I see how foolish are all the people who do not marry. And yet, if you think of it, what a number of people are in that state of blindness! If I were a king anywhere, I would command that everybody should marry, every single person, that there shouldn’t be one bachelor in all my kingdom. Really, to think of it, in a few minutes I shall be married! Suddenly I shall taste such bliss as one only hears about in fairy-tales—bliss that there is no describing, there are no words to describe it. (After a short silence.) All the same, put it how you like—but there’s really something almost dreadful in it when you think it over. For all one’s life, for ever—you can’t get over the fact that you’re tying yourself. And once it’s done, no excuse will help you, no remorse, nothing, nothing—everything’s finished; all is over. Why, even now there’s no way out of it; we shall be before the altar in a few minutes. I couldn’t go away if I wanted to—the carriage is at the door; everything’s ready. I wonder, though, couldn’t I go away? Why no, of course not; there are heaps of people at the door, and everywhere, and they’d ask me why. No, no, it won’t do! By the by, there’s the window open; what if I jumped out. No, no; oh, no; it wouldn’t do; it wouldn’t be proper—and then, it’s so high. (Goes to window.) Well, I don’t know; it isn’t so high; only one story, and that a low one. Why, no, no, of course I can’t; I haven’t even got my hat; I can’t go without a hat, it would seem so queer! Couldn’t I manage without a hat, though, after all? What if I were to try? H—’m. I might as well try. (Clambers on to window-sill and crosses himself.) Lord, give Thy blessing![13](Jumps down into the street. Heard grunting and groaning without.) Oh! oh! It’s a good height though! Hi,drozhki!

Cabman’s voice(without).Drozhki, sir?

Pod.(without). To the canal, by the Semyònovsky bridge.

Cabman(without). I don’t mind going for ten kopecks.

Pod.(without). All right! Make haste!

(Drozhki is heard to drive away. EnterAgàfiain her wedding-dress, walking timidly and hanging her head.)

Agàfia.I really don’t know what is come to me. I feel ashamed again, and I am trembling all over. Oh! I wish he weren’t in the room just this minute; I wish he’d gone out! (Looking round shyly.) Why, where is he? There’s no one here! Where can he be gone? (Opens door into hall and calls.) Fèkla, where is Ivàn Kouzmìch gone?

Fèkla(without). He’s there.

Agàfia.Where?

Fèkla(entering). But he was sitting in this room!

Agàfia.Well, he isn’t here, you see.

Fèkla.He certainly hasn’t gone out of the room! I was sitting in the hall.

Agàfia.Then where is he?

Fèkla.I’m sure I don’t know. He can’t have gone out by the back door. I wonder if he’s sitting in Arìna Pantelèymovna’s room?

Agàfia.Auntie! Auntie! (EnterArìna,dressed for wedding.)

Arìna.What’s the matter?

Agàfia.Is Ivàn Kouzmìch in your room?

Arìna.No, he must be here; he hasn’t come into my room.

Fèkla.Well, I know he didn’t go through the hall, for I was sitting there.

Agàfia.But you see yourself he isn’t here. (EnterKochkaryòv.)

Koch.What’s the matter?

Agàfia.We can’t find Ivàn Kouzmìch.

Koch.Can’t find him? Has he gone out?

Agàfia.No, he hasn’t gone out either.

Koch.What do you mean? Not here and not gone out?

Fèkla.I can’t think where he can have got to. I was in the hall the whole time; never left it for a minute.

Arìna.Well, he certainly didn’t go out by the back stairs.

Koch.Well, but, the devil take it, he couldn’t vanish without going out of the room! I expect he’s hidden himself.... Ivàn Kouzmìch! Where are you? Leave off fooling! Come out, quick! There’s no time for jokes; we ought to be at church by now! (Looks into cupboard, and peeps askance under chairs.) No making it out! But he can’t have gone away; he can’t possibly have gone away! He’s here; there’s his hat in the next room, I put it there on purpose.

Arìna.We’d better ask the girl, she was standing at the street door; perhaps she knows something about it.... Douniàshka! Douniàshka!... (EnterDouniàshka.) Where’s Ivàn Kouzmìch? Have you seen him?

Doun.Please’m, the gentleman jumped out of window. (Agàfiascreams and clasps her hands.)

All three together.The window?...

Doun.Yes’m. And if you please’m, when he was out he took adrozhkiand drove away.

Arìna.Are you speaking the truth?

Koch.It’s a lie! It can’t be!

Doun.No, it’s not then; he did jump out. And theman as keeps the general shop saw him too. He took adrozhkifor ten kopecks, and he drove away.

Arìna(advancing toKochkaryòv). I suppose, then, little father, that you meant to play off a joke on us, to make a laughing-stock of us? You’ve come here to disgrace us, is that it? Sir, I’ve lived for more than fifty years, and I’ve never been put to such shame as this. And, little father, I’ll spit in your face if you call yourself an honest man! You’re a villain and a scoundrel if you call yourself an honest man! To shame a girl publicly—before every one! I—a peasant wouldn’t do such a thing! And you a noble! All the nobility you’ve got is good for nothing but lies and cheating and rascally tricks!

(Exit, furious, taking the bride with her.Kochkaryòvstands as petrified.)

Fèkla.Well. So this is the gentleman that knows how to manage things! This is the way you get on without a matchmaker! It’s all very well to laugh at my suitors. They may be draggletailed, and anything else you like, but, whatever they are, they don’t jump out of the window. I don’t have that sort, anyhow!

Koch.That’s all nonsense; it can’t be! I’ll run after him and bring him back. (Exit.)

Fèkla.Yes, bring him back, I daresay. Muchyouknow about marriages! If he’d run out by the door it would have been another thing, but when the bridegroom pops out of window all I can say is—I wish you joy!

Curtain.

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