NEWSPAPER HUMOUR.

NEWSPAPER HUMOUR.

In the Street.

Excuseme, I can’t stop. The sermon begins at five, and Padre Macario preaches to-day. His words are worth their weight in gold, I don’t want to loseone. I thought of going to call on the Zaragatonas to give them a piece of my mind; deceitful things, they wrote an anonymous letter to the head of my husband’s department, saying he had the influenza, and that all the office would catch it, which is a vile story; he is quite well, and if he had anything the matter with him I should say so at once. ... They may be thankful this is Holy Week or I should teach them a thing or two, but I don’t want to offend Heaven to-day. The wicked scandalmongers! ... They shall hear from me sooner or later. ... But ... I can’t stop. What’s the time? Five o’clock. I must run the whole way. Oh! do you think you could manage to send me some stalls for La Tubau![19]

In the Church.

“Hail, Mary,” ... Madam, you are crushing my mantilla. ... “full of grace,” ... yes,you, Madam! “Blessed are thou amongst.” ... Good evening, doña Agustina. ...No, the sermon has not commenced yet, but it must very soon for I saw Padre Macario go into the sacristy. ... Yes, isn’t there a crowd, and quite natural too, there are not many oratorslikehim. ... “Our Father which” ... You look rather pale? What’s the matter? ... Oh, don’t speak to me of husbands, there are some wretches amongst them? ... What, he wouldn’t let you come to the sermon? Heavens, what a man! Mine, thank God, is not like that; on the contrary, so that I might feel quite easy, he has promised to give baby his food. He’s a very good husband; fancy, this morning I had to go out to see the dynamiters in court, and he stayed at home to wash out some baby-clothes. ... “Thy kingdom come,” ... but he has his enemies. Those horrid Zaragatonas; ... they can’t bear me because I’m plump. ... They’re jealous and I’ve told them so. It’s the will of Heaven, for as for eating, I eat very little, and some days a little stewed veal, an omelette, and half-a-dozen oranges satisfy me as much as if I had eaten an ox. But it’s no good, they dislike me, because they themselves are so scraggy, and now they’ve started a nasty rumour about my husband. Suppose he has a little cold in the head, what’s that to do with them? “Pray for our sins now and” ...Theyare consumptive, if you like: you need only look at them, especially the eldest, who dresses her salad with cod-liver oil. I, of course, respect the sacredness of this week, or I should go and see them, when they would have to look to themselves. Besides, I don’t like talking ill of anybody, but they had a lieutenant-colonel lodging with them, who only slept there, for he ate with his mess, and paid them ten reals for a tiny bedroom, and was always making them presents besides; if he had an old pair of trousers, for instance, he would give them to their mother to make a little jacket for herself. Now that all means something. In fact, I don’t like scandal, but thatlieutenant-colonel, “the Lord is with thee.”... What? Padre Macario in the pulpit? So he is, and just going to begin.

“Dear Brethren....”

What eloquence!

“May you in truth be brethren, with your conscience free from the sin of hatred....”

He’s right. People are so uncharitable, those Zaragatonas, for instance.

“Love one another with the love of brethren. Christ pardoned His tormentors....”

(Much moved) Ah! ah! It seems impossible that people won’t repent. When I think of those Zaragatonas, I don’t know what’s the matter with me! No, when Holy Week is over, I shall go and hear what they have to say for themselves. Horrid creatures!

“De todo un poco.”Luis Taboada(Madrid Comico).

A coiner of false money was confessing that he had made and uttered dollars (20 reals) which were only worth four reals.

“You must restore the difference,” said the priest.

“But to whom can I restore it, father?” asked the compunctious penitent.

The priest hesitated for a moment, then said—

“Make as many other dollars worth thirty-six reals.”

“La Ilustracion Española y Americana.”

Spanish Ceremony.

A very ceremonious Spaniard, when asked why he was not present at the funeral of a certain personage, replied—

“Because he owed me a call.”

Children.

A governess out walking with two children:—“Look, that’s the white cow that gives us our milk.”“Does that black one give us the coffee then?”“Oh, children! what are you doing up that tree?”“Mama, Pepito wanted to pick some pears.”“And you?”“I got up to persuade him not to.”

A governess out walking with two children:—“Look, that’s the white cow that gives us our milk.”“Does that black one give us the coffee then?”“Oh, children! what are you doing up that tree?”“Mama, Pepito wanted to pick some pears.”“And you?”“I got up to persuade him not to.”

A governess out walking with two children:—“Look, that’s the white cow that gives us our milk.”“Does that black one give us the coffee then?”

A governess out walking with two children:—

“Look, that’s the white cow that gives us our milk.”

“Does that black one give us the coffee then?”

“Oh, children! what are you doing up that tree?”“Mama, Pepito wanted to pick some pears.”“And you?”“I got up to persuade him not to.”

“Oh, children! what are you doing up that tree?”

“Mama, Pepito wanted to pick some pears.”

“And you?”

“I got up to persuade him not to.”

Rural Sympathy.

“My boy,” said a happy mother, “has won the first prize at school.”

“I can understand your feelings. Oh, how well I remember how pleased I was when our pig took a prize at the show.”

“Blanco y Negro.”

In the Stalls.

“Do you notice how fat all the chorus are?”

“Yes, the manager is very economical, and the fat ones get the same pay as the thin but fill the stage better.”

“Blanco y Negro”

“Take care they don’t give you mule’s flesh,” said a mistress to her maid, who was going out marketing.

“And how can I tell, ma’am?”

“I don’t know, but mind you don’t buy any.”

“Good, ma’am; I won’t take any meat until the butcher has shown me the cow’s horns.”

“La Ilustracion Española y Americana.”

Furious wife to inflexible husband:—

“My health requires it. The doctor has ordered me a change of air.”

“Very well, my dear, use another fan.”

“La Ilustracion Española y Americana.”

The Anarchist Agitation.

Military police to poor wretch found in a miserable garret suspiciously hiding a paper:—

“Some little preparation for the First of May, eh?”

(Timidly) “Only a sonnet dedicated to the victims.”

“Madrid Comico.”

Sunday Rest.

The Congress is at present warmly debating the question as to Sunday rest. As scarcely any of us Spaniards work even on week-days,whyshould we work on a Sunday?

“Madrid Comico.”

Woman and Man,I’ve a specialist’s word,Are as different quiteAs a fish and a bird.She, like the latter,Is graceful and sweet,White feathers, charms many,Long wings, and short feet.He, on the contrary,Sticky as gum.Has, patent or hidden,Sharp fins, a fair sum.They marry each other,For love possibly,And the law of their cageTurns and takes out the key.Poor things, unawareWere they, but now larn,That the well-being of oneIs the other one’s harm.If she longs for air,For water he cries;The bird drowns in water,In air the fish dies.But some pairs are happy, to me you reply!Yes, some few amphibious creatures, I sigh.

Woman and Man,I’ve a specialist’s word,Are as different quiteAs a fish and a bird.She, like the latter,Is graceful and sweet,White feathers, charms many,Long wings, and short feet.He, on the contrary,Sticky as gum.Has, patent or hidden,Sharp fins, a fair sum.They marry each other,For love possibly,And the law of their cageTurns and takes out the key.Poor things, unawareWere they, but now larn,That the well-being of oneIs the other one’s harm.If she longs for air,For water he cries;The bird drowns in water,In air the fish dies.But some pairs are happy, to me you reply!Yes, some few amphibious creatures, I sigh.

Woman and Man,I’ve a specialist’s word,Are as different quiteAs a fish and a bird.She, like the latter,Is graceful and sweet,White feathers, charms many,Long wings, and short feet.He, on the contrary,Sticky as gum.Has, patent or hidden,Sharp fins, a fair sum.They marry each other,For love possibly,And the law of their cageTurns and takes out the key.Poor things, unawareWere they, but now larn,That the well-being of oneIs the other one’s harm.If she longs for air,For water he cries;The bird drowns in water,In air the fish dies.

Woman and Man,

I’ve a specialist’s word,

Are as different quite

As a fish and a bird.

She, like the latter,

Is graceful and sweet,

White feathers, charms many,

Long wings, and short feet.

He, on the contrary,

Sticky as gum.

Has, patent or hidden,

Sharp fins, a fair sum.

They marry each other,

For love possibly,

And the law of their cage

Turns and takes out the key.

Poor things, unaware

Were they, but now larn,

That the well-being of one

Is the other one’s harm.

If she longs for air,

For water he cries;

The bird drowns in water,

In air the fish dies.

But some pairs are happy, to me you reply!Yes, some few amphibious creatures, I sigh.

But some pairs are happy, to me you reply!

Yes, some few amphibious creatures, I sigh.

“Los Lunes de el Imparcial.”Manuel del Palacio.

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