CHAP. IX.BEAUTY.—DRESS.—GENTILITY.
Wherever there is hypocrisy, or an apparent necessity for hypocrisy, there is something wrong. In the management of children, are we sincere on the subject of beauty? When we see a handsome person, or a handsome animal, they hear us eagerly exclaim, ‘Oh, how beautiful!’ ‘What a lovely creature!’ ‘What pretty eyes!’ ‘What a sweet mouth!’ &c. Yet when children say anything about beauty, we tell them it is of no value at all—that they must not think anything about beauty—‘handsome is that handsome does,’ &c.
The influence would be very contradictory, did not the eagerness of our exclamations and the coldness of ourmoral lessons both tend to the same result; they both give children an idea that the subject is of great importance. ‘Mothertellsme beauty is of no consequence, because she thinks I shall be vain; but I am sure she and everybody else seem tothinkit is of consequence,’ said a shrewd little girl of ten years old.
It certainly is natural to admire beauty, whether it be in human beings, animals, or flowers; it is a principle implanted within the human mind, and we cannot get rid of it. Beauty is the outward form of goodness; and that is the reason we love it instinctively, without thinking why we love it. The truth is, beauty is really ofsomeconsequence; but of very small consequence compared with good principles, good feelings, and good understanding. In this manner children ought to hear it spoken of. There should be noaffectedindifference on this or any other subject. If a child should say, ‘Everybody loves Jane Snow—she is so pretty,’ I would answer, ‘Is Jane Snow a good, kind little girl? I should be pleased with her pretty face, and should want to kiss her, when I first saw her; but if I found she was cross and selfish, I should not love her; and I should not wish to have her about me.’ In this way the attention will be drawn from the subject of beauty, to the importance of goodness; and there is no affectation in the business—the plain truth is told. We do love beauty at first sight; and we do cease to love it, if it be not accompanied by amiable qualities.
Beauty is so much more obvious than the qualities of the mind and heart, and meets so much more of spontaneous admiration, that we should be very much on our guard against increasing the value of a gift, whichis almost unavoidably over-rated. But we must remember that our common and involuntary modes of speaking are what form the opinions of a child; moral maxims have little, or no effect, if they are in opposition to our usual manner of speaking and acting. For this reason, I would never call attention to beauty; and if dwelt upon with delighted eagerness by others, I would always remark, ‘She looks as if she had a sweetdisposition, or a brightmind,’—thus leading the attention from mere outward loveliness to moral and intellectual beauty. I would even avoid constantly urging a child to put on a bonnet, lest she should be tanned. I should prefer the simple reason, ‘It is proper to wear a bonnet out of doors; don’t you know mother always wears one, when she goes out?’ I would rather a girl should have her face tanned and freckled by heat, than have her mind tanned and freckled by vanity.
Perhaps there is no gift with which mortals are endowed, that brings so much danger as beauty, in proportion to the usefulness and happiness it produces. It is so rare for a belle to be happy, or even contented, after the season of youth is past, that it is considered almost a miracle. If your daughter is handsome, it is peculiarly necessary that she should not be taught to attach an undue importance to the dangerous gift; and if she is plain, it certainly is not for her happiness to consider it as a misfortune.
For the reasons above given, I would restrain myself in expressing admiration of beauty; and when others expressed it, I would always ask, ‘Is she good?’ ‘Is she amiable?’ &c. I would even act upon this system toward a very little child. I would not praise the beautyof his kitten; and if he himself said, ‘Oh, what a pretty puss! How I love her!’ I would answer, ‘She is a pretty puss, and a good puss. If she were cross, and scratched me every time I touched her, I should not love her, though her fur is so pretty.’ All this caution is perfectly consistent with truth. I would never say that beauty was of no consequence in my opinion; because I could not say it truly.
With regard to dress, as in most other cases, a medium between two extremes is desirable. A love of finery and display is a much more common fault than neglect of personal appearance; both should be avoided. Some parents teach their children to judge everybody’s merit by their dress; they do not of course say it, in so many direct words—but their influence produces that effect. What else can be the result of hearing such expressions as the following?—‘Mr.—— is very much of a gentleman; he is always remarkably well dressed.’ ‘Is such a lady a desirable acquaintance? I presume she is; for she is always very genteelly dressed.’
There are some people, who go to the opposite extreme, and represent any attention to dress as unworthy of a strong mind; becoming costume is in their eyes a mark of frivolity. I hardly know which of the two extremes is the worse. Extravagance in dress does great mischief both to fortune and character; but want of neatness, and want of taste are peculiarly disgusting. If finery betrays a frivolous mind, sluttishness and bad taste certainly betray an ill-regulated one. Neatness and taste naturally proceed from a love of order. A mother should not talk about dress, for the same reasons that she should not talk about beauty; but she shouldbe careful to have her own dress always neat, and well-fitted, and to show a pure and delicate taste in the choice of colors. By these means, children will form the habit of dressing well, without ever thinking much about it; the habit will be so early formed, that it will seem like a gift of nature. Miss Hamilton gives, in one short sentence, all that can be said upon the subject; she says, ‘Always dress in good taste; but let your children see that it employs very little of your time, less of your thoughts, and none at all of your affections.’
The wish to place children in as good society as possible is natural and proper; but it must be remembered thatgenteelsociety is not alwaysgoodsociety. If your manners and conversation imply more respect for wealth than for merit, your children, of course, will choose their acquaintance and friends according to the style they can support, not according to character. Let your family see that you most desire the acquaintance of those who have correct principles, good manners, and the power of imparting information. I have heard mothers say, ‘To be sureMr.and Mrs. —— do not bear a very good character; but they live in a great deal of style; they give beautiful parties; and it is very convenient to have the friendship of such people.’ What sort of morality can be expected of a family who have been accustomed to such maxims? What heartless, selfish, unprincipled beings are formed by such lessons! If they do not succeed in attaining the splendor they have been taught to covet, they will be envious, jealous, and miserable; if they do attain it, the most that can be said is, they will spend their thousands in trying toappearhappy before the world.
Human ambition and human policy labor after happiness in vain; goodness is the only foundation to build upon. The wisdom of past ages declares this truth, and our own observation confirms it; all the world acknowledge it; yet how few, how very few, are willing to act upon it! Wesaywe believe goodness is always happiness, in every situation of life, and that happiness should be our chief study; we know that wealth and distinction do not bring happiness; but we are anxious our children should possess them, because theyappearto confer enjoyment. What a motive for immortal beings!
If the inordinate love of wealth and parade be not checked among us, it will be the ruin of our country, as it has been, and will be, the ruin of thousands of individuals. What restlessness, what discontent, what bitterness, what knavery and crime, have been produced by this eager passion for money! Mothers! as you love your children, and wish for their happiness, be careful how you cherish this unquiet spirit, by speaking and acting as if you thought wealth the greatest good. Teach them to consider money valuable only for its use; and that it confers respectability only when it is used well. Teach them to regard their childish property as things held in trust for the benefit and pleasure of their companions—that the only purpose of having anything to call their own is that they may use it for the good of others. If this spirit were more inculcated, we should not hear children so often say, ‘Let that alone; it is mine, and you sha’n’t have it.’ Neither should we see such an unprincipled scramblingfor wealth—such willingness to cast off the nearest and dearest relations in the pursuit of fashion—such neglect of unfortunate merit—and such servile adulation to successful villany. I will not mention religion,—for its maxims have nothing in common with worldly and selfish policy,—I will simply ask whatrepublicanismthere is in such rules of conduct?
But there are always two sides to a question. If it is pernicious to make money and style the standard of respectability, it is likewise injurious and wrong to foster a prejudice against the wealthy and fashionable. If we experience the slightest degree of pleasure in discovering faults or follies in those above us, there certainly is something wrong in our own hearts. Never say to your family, ‘Such a one feels above us’—‘Such a one is too proud to come and see us’—&c. In the first place, perhaps it is not true; (for I know by experience that the poor are apt to be unreasonably suspicious of the rich; they begin by being cold and proud to their wealthy acquaintance, for fear the wealthy mean to be cold and proud to them;) and even if it be true that a rich neighbor is haughty, or even insolent, you should be careful not to indulge bad passions, because he does. Your business is with your own heart—keep that pure—and measure out to the rich man, as well as the poor man, just as much of respect and regard as their characters deserve, and no more.
Do not suffer your mind to brood over the external distinctions of society. Neither seek nor avoid those who are superior in fortune; meet them on the same ground as you do the rest of your fellow-creatures.There is a dignified medium between cringing for notice, and acting like a cat that puts up her back and spits, when no dog is coming.
Perhaps I say more on this subject than is necessary or useful. I am induced to say it, from having closely observed the effect produced on society by the broad and open field of competition in this country. All blessings are accompanied with disadvantages; and it is the business of the judicious to take the good and leave the evil. In this country, every man can make his own station. This is indeed a blessing. But what are some of the attendant dangers? Look at that parent, who is willing to sacrifice her comfort, her principles, nay, even her pride, for the sake of pushing her children into a little higher rank of life.
Look at another, too independent for such a course.
Hear how he loves to rail about the aristocracy—how much pleasure he takes inshowingcontempt of the rich. Is his own heart right? I fear not. I fear that unbending independence, so honorable in itself, is mixed with a baser feeling. The right path is between extremes. I would never creep under a door, neither would I refuse to enter when it was opened wide for my reception.
Poverty and wealth have different temptations, but they are equally strong. The rich are tempted to pride and insolence; the poor to jealousy and envy. The envious and discontented poor invariably become haughty and overbearing when rich; for selfishness is equally at the bottom of these opposite evils. Indeed, it is at the bottom of all manner of evils.