All Wrong.A FARCE, IN ONE ACT.CHARACTERS.John Dupewell,a rogue.Oliver Openface,benevolent old gent.Tommy,a street fakir.Policeman.Tilly,Openface’s daughter.Pedestrians.Scene: A City Street in the Morning.(Tommy discovered standing in centre of stage, near flat, holding a string in right hand, to which are attached several small rubber balloons inflated with gas.)Tommy.—Well, here goes for another hard day’s work. This standin’ on yer feet, an’ shoutin’ all day is wicked on the toes and lungs. Hello! here comes a swell. Balloons! balloons! Here’s yer genuine rubber air wessels filled with gas!(Enter Dupewell—Left.)Dupewell(Swinging cane and not noticing Tommy).—Something must be done to raise the wind.Tommy.—Balloons! balloons! balloons!Dupewell.—Shut up! shut up, sir! Your goods are too suggestive of the present state of my stomach.Tommy.—Don’t lean on me that way; I’m a poor boy, I want to be encouraged, for me stock’s light, trade’s dull, and both pockets is empty.Dupewell.—Poor fellow! Perhaps I can give you a start in life, but it all depends upon—Tommy.—Oh, sir, I never had nobody to take me by the hand and say, “Tommy, here’s a chance, take it!” I’ve been lookin’ for a openin’ all me life—Dupewell.—And the biggest kind of a one right under your nose. (Points cane at Tommy’s mouth.)Tommy.—I can’t see it.Dupewell.—Well, I’ll explain. How many balloons have you sold to-day?Tommy.—Not one; haven’t broke a string.Dupewell.—Good! People are beginning to throng the street. Now listen; if you will strictly obey all my instructions, I will to-night give you more cash, and a squarer meal than your pockets ever held or your palate ever tasted.Tommy.—That’s what I dreamed last night; I seed a great big—Dupewell.—Never mind your dream. What do you want for your balloons, all of them?Tommy.—Fifty cents.Dupewell.—If I purchase them, will you enter my employ at once, and promise to obey me, unquestioned, in all things?Tommy.—When do you eat breakfast?Dupewell.—In a short time; as soon as we attend to a small affair. Do you solemnly—Tommy.—Hold on! I never swear. I’ll be bound, I’ll affirm, I’ll promise to agree; but don’t ask me to swear; ’tain’t right.Dupewell.—That will answer; your word will do. (Takes half-dollar from pocket and looks at it.) (Aside.)—Farewell ’till next we meet. (Aloud.)—Well, sir, here is the money.Tommy(Taking money).—Here’s your balloons.Dupewell.—I don’t want them just now. Tommy, loan me that coin a few minutes.Tommy(backing away).—Can’t do that.Dupewell(angrily).—What! disobey my first request? Besides, you hold good collateral. (Points to balloons.)Tommy(aside).—This is a bad openin’; he’s leanin’ on me heavy at the start. (Hands money to Dupewell.) I don’t see how I’m to make a profit on this sale.Dupewell(hurriedly).—Tut! Now for business; mark what I say; there are some persons coming this way. I’ll step off in this direction a few paces. Watch me. When I raise my hat, let your balloons go, fall on your knees and groan; say nothing to any one, but groan in reply to every question. I will attend to the rest.Tommy.—Let me hold the fifty cents.Dupewell.—Silence. (Exit L.)Tommy(looking after Dupewell).—That’s a queer fellow. I think I’ll skeet. Oh! there goes his hat. (Lets the balloons go, falls on his knees and groans.)(Enter Oliver Openface—R.)Openface(trying to assist Tommy to arise).—My poor fellow, what ails you? Do tell me, are you sick?(Re-enter Dupewell—R.)(Tommy groans and looks upward.)Dupewell(to Openface).—Sad! sad! Know the man well; worthy case—sick wife—eleven children, oldest four years—wounded in late war—lost his balloons; look! (Points upward.)Openface.—Ah, I see. (Pulls out handkerchief and wipes eyes.) What shall we do?Dupewell.—Make donation—encourage honesty. (Hands fifty cents to Tommy, who takes it and groans.)Openface(examining his wallet).—I have nothing less than a fifty-dollar bill. (Holds note in his hand.)(Dupewell takes note.)Openface.—Hold on, there. (Reaches for note.)Dupewell.—No, no! Let this poor man get it changed around the corner; thoroughly honest—trusted him with thousands—be responsible myself. (Aside to Tommy)—Meet me at the Hero’s Inn. (Makes believe to give note to Tommy, but puts it in his own pocket.) (Aloud) Go, now! Run! The gentleman’s waiting. (Exit Tommy, running.)Dupewell(touching Openface on arm and pointing up).—How small those balloons appear; a mere speck.Openface(looking up).—I cannot see them; my eyes are too old.Dupewell(points).—See! There they go! (Takes wallet from Openface’s pocket.) See! see!Openface(impatiently).—I’d like to see that fellow coming with my change.Dupewell(starting to go).—I’ll see what keeps him.Openface.—But hold on—Dupewell(aside).—That’s what I intend to do. (Taps wallet.) (Aloud.)—Be back in a second. (Exit R.—hurriedly.)Openface.—I just recollect that there is a dollar bill in the middle pocket of my wallet; see what time I could have saved if—(feels in his pockets)—if—if—I had only—(still feeling in his pockets)—if I had only thought of it before. (Discovers that his wallet is gone.) Come back you, there! Watch! Thieves!(Falls on his knees) Police! Police!(Enter Policeman—R.)Policeman(poking Openface in side with club).—Git up! Git up!Openface.—Police! I’m robbed, I’m—I’m—murder!(Enter Pedestrians—Running.)Policeman.—He’s got ’em bad; a genteel case of the tremmens.(Pedestrians laugh.)Policeman.—Somebody git a push-cart; there’s one down at the corner grocery.Pedestrian.—II’ll go, I’ll go! (Exit.)Openface(attempts to rise).—Let me up, let me get up, I’m a——Policeman(putting him down again).—Keep quiet; I’ve ordered the carriage; I’ll watch the snakes.(Pedestrians laugh.)Openface.—Let me speak.Policeman(to pedestrians).—Here comes a lady. Clear the sidewalk.(Pedestrians gather around Openface so that Tilly cannot see him.)Policeman(aside).—What a beauty!(Enter Tilly, carrying parasol.)Tilly.—Dear me! I wonder what has happened.Openface.—I am a gentleman, let me go! I have been basely robbed, let me go, I say!Policeman.—Shut up! shut up!Tilly.—That voice, that beloved voice! Surely I have heard that voice before!Policeman(bowing low).—No doubt, lady, you have often listened to my tones when I’ve been on the beat——Pedestrian(aside).—Which is all the time.Tilly.—I do not mean your voice.Openface(groans).—Let me rise.Tilly.—’Tis he! My father!Policeman(motioning her away).—Go home, Miss, go home; he’s got ’em bad; he wouldn’t know you.Tilly(places handkerchief to her eyes).—My heart will surely break.Policeman.—Oh! now we’ll get him off in good shape; here comes the push-cart.(Enter Pedestrian, carrying an arm chair.)Policeman.—Why didn’t you bring the barrow?Pedestrian.—The groceryman just left with a load of onions and won’t be back for an hour.Policeman.—Make way for the chair.(Pedestrians divide to R. and L.)Openface(stands up).—I will go straight to the Mayor and enter a complaint.Tilly(rushes to Openface).—My father!Openface.—My darling child! (They embrace.)Tilly.—Oh, how did it happen?Policeman.—What’s this mean?Openface.—It means that I have been swindled on the highway, and that you have treated me in a villainous manner.Pedestrians.—Hear! hear!(Enter Dupewell and Tommy. The latter wears a straw hat and long linen duster.)Openface.—I will give one hundred dollars for the arrest of the thieves!Tilly.—And I will owe a debt of gratitude that years can ne’er efface.Tommy(aside).—This is the opening I’ve been looking for. Here’s a chance for a fortune and a wife.—(Seizes Dupewell.)—(Aloud)—Here’s the thief!Dupewell(takes wallet from his breast and slips it into Tommy’s pocket).—’Tis false, I deny the charge!Policeman(arrests Dupewell).—Is this the man?Openface.—He looks like one of the thieves, but I am not certain; the other one I could identify at once by his clothes.Policeman.—If you cannot identify him I must let him go. (Releases Dupewell.)Dupewell.—Pity must give way to justice;—(Points to Tommy)—Seize him, he is the robber!Policeman.—Ah, ha! Come here. (Taking hold of Tommy.)Dupewell.—Feel his pockets, search him.Tommy.—You’re welcome to feel in these pockets. I’ve got nothing but loose change, the proceeds of a horse I just sold.Policeman.—Let me see. (Taking wallet from Tommy’s pocket.) Is this your property? (Hands it to Openface.)Openface.—It is; and yet I never saw this man before!Tommy.—Of course he didn’t.Dupewell.—Take off his coat and hat.Policeman.—Come sir; take them off!Tommy(struggles to escape).—I didn’t take it; I didn’t, I didn’t, let me go!Dupewell(assists to remove Tommy’s hat and duster).—Now—(to Openface),—is this the culprit?Openface.—It is; just as the rascal appeared when he committed the crime.Dupewell.—I claim the reward.Openface.—Come home with me. You shall dine with me; I will then reward you; you shall be my friend for life!Policeman.—Bring the chair here.Tilly.—Never mind sir; papa will order a coupé.Policeman.—It is for this rogue. (Tommy is forced intothe chair, after which it is raised up by two pedestrians, a third using Tommy’s legs for shafts.)Tommy.—Bad luck’s leanin’ on me heavy—at last I’ve found an openin’; but it’s the openin’ of the jail door. Ah! it’s all wrong, it’s all wrong.(All form in line with Tommy at the head; Dupewell supports Tilly on his arm; next Openface and Pedestrians.)Policeman.—Forward, march!(March is played by Piano or Orchestra, while procession countermarches.)Tommy(kicking in chair).—It’s all wrong! It’s all wrong! wrong! Balloons! balloons! it’s all wrong.Openface.—Hold! (The procession halts.) My dear sir, (to Dupewell) the cry of balloons! balloons! from that young man in the chair reminds me that I had my wallet when you called my attention to the fugitive balloons that were growing smaller and smaller as they arose in the air!Dupewell.—Well, sir!Openface.—It is not well, sir, for you, sir, for I had my wallet then, and it was only after you left me that I missed it. Release the unhappy youth and let the iron talons of the law clutch this monstrous scoundrel who would fasten his crime upon a verdant youth.(Tommy is released and Dupewell is placed in the chair.)Tommy.—Luck’s openin’ an’ shuttin’ like an alligator’s jaw; where’ll it end?Tilly.—You shall go home with us; we will try to educate you and give you profitable employment.Openface.—It is even so; I will get you a government appointment, but! but, sir! hereafter beware of taking up with strangers in matters of business; bad associates have ruined many a man. Let the phalanx move.(Music continues.)Policeman.—Forward, march!(Procession countermarches.)Dupewell(will).—It’s all wrong! it’s all wrong! it’s all wrong![Curtain.]—Geo.M. Vickers.
All Wrong.A FARCE, IN ONE ACT.CHARACTERS.John Dupewell,a rogue.Oliver Openface,benevolent old gent.Tommy,a street fakir.Policeman.Tilly,Openface’s daughter.Pedestrians.Scene: A City Street in the Morning.(Tommy discovered standing in centre of stage, near flat, holding a string in right hand, to which are attached several small rubber balloons inflated with gas.)Tommy.—Well, here goes for another hard day’s work. This standin’ on yer feet, an’ shoutin’ all day is wicked on the toes and lungs. Hello! here comes a swell. Balloons! balloons! Here’s yer genuine rubber air wessels filled with gas!(Enter Dupewell—Left.)Dupewell(Swinging cane and not noticing Tommy).—Something must be done to raise the wind.Tommy.—Balloons! balloons! balloons!Dupewell.—Shut up! shut up, sir! Your goods are too suggestive of the present state of my stomach.Tommy.—Don’t lean on me that way; I’m a poor boy, I want to be encouraged, for me stock’s light, trade’s dull, and both pockets is empty.Dupewell.—Poor fellow! Perhaps I can give you a start in life, but it all depends upon—Tommy.—Oh, sir, I never had nobody to take me by the hand and say, “Tommy, here’s a chance, take it!” I’ve been lookin’ for a openin’ all me life—Dupewell.—And the biggest kind of a one right under your nose. (Points cane at Tommy’s mouth.)Tommy.—I can’t see it.Dupewell.—Well, I’ll explain. How many balloons have you sold to-day?Tommy.—Not one; haven’t broke a string.Dupewell.—Good! People are beginning to throng the street. Now listen; if you will strictly obey all my instructions, I will to-night give you more cash, and a squarer meal than your pockets ever held or your palate ever tasted.Tommy.—That’s what I dreamed last night; I seed a great big—Dupewell.—Never mind your dream. What do you want for your balloons, all of them?Tommy.—Fifty cents.Dupewell.—If I purchase them, will you enter my employ at once, and promise to obey me, unquestioned, in all things?Tommy.—When do you eat breakfast?Dupewell.—In a short time; as soon as we attend to a small affair. Do you solemnly—Tommy.—Hold on! I never swear. I’ll be bound, I’ll affirm, I’ll promise to agree; but don’t ask me to swear; ’tain’t right.Dupewell.—That will answer; your word will do. (Takes half-dollar from pocket and looks at it.) (Aside.)—Farewell ’till next we meet. (Aloud.)—Well, sir, here is the money.Tommy(Taking money).—Here’s your balloons.Dupewell.—I don’t want them just now. Tommy, loan me that coin a few minutes.Tommy(backing away).—Can’t do that.Dupewell(angrily).—What! disobey my first request? Besides, you hold good collateral. (Points to balloons.)Tommy(aside).—This is a bad openin’; he’s leanin’ on me heavy at the start. (Hands money to Dupewell.) I don’t see how I’m to make a profit on this sale.Dupewell(hurriedly).—Tut! Now for business; mark what I say; there are some persons coming this way. I’ll step off in this direction a few paces. Watch me. When I raise my hat, let your balloons go, fall on your knees and groan; say nothing to any one, but groan in reply to every question. I will attend to the rest.Tommy.—Let me hold the fifty cents.Dupewell.—Silence. (Exit L.)Tommy(looking after Dupewell).—That’s a queer fellow. I think I’ll skeet. Oh! there goes his hat. (Lets the balloons go, falls on his knees and groans.)(Enter Oliver Openface—R.)Openface(trying to assist Tommy to arise).—My poor fellow, what ails you? Do tell me, are you sick?(Re-enter Dupewell—R.)(Tommy groans and looks upward.)Dupewell(to Openface).—Sad! sad! Know the man well; worthy case—sick wife—eleven children, oldest four years—wounded in late war—lost his balloons; look! (Points upward.)Openface.—Ah, I see. (Pulls out handkerchief and wipes eyes.) What shall we do?Dupewell.—Make donation—encourage honesty. (Hands fifty cents to Tommy, who takes it and groans.)Openface(examining his wallet).—I have nothing less than a fifty-dollar bill. (Holds note in his hand.)(Dupewell takes note.)Openface.—Hold on, there. (Reaches for note.)Dupewell.—No, no! Let this poor man get it changed around the corner; thoroughly honest—trusted him with thousands—be responsible myself. (Aside to Tommy)—Meet me at the Hero’s Inn. (Makes believe to give note to Tommy, but puts it in his own pocket.) (Aloud) Go, now! Run! The gentleman’s waiting. (Exit Tommy, running.)Dupewell(touching Openface on arm and pointing up).—How small those balloons appear; a mere speck.Openface(looking up).—I cannot see them; my eyes are too old.Dupewell(points).—See! There they go! (Takes wallet from Openface’s pocket.) See! see!Openface(impatiently).—I’d like to see that fellow coming with my change.Dupewell(starting to go).—I’ll see what keeps him.Openface.—But hold on—Dupewell(aside).—That’s what I intend to do. (Taps wallet.) (Aloud.)—Be back in a second. (Exit R.—hurriedly.)Openface.—I just recollect that there is a dollar bill in the middle pocket of my wallet; see what time I could have saved if—(feels in his pockets)—if—if—I had only—(still feeling in his pockets)—if I had only thought of it before. (Discovers that his wallet is gone.) Come back you, there! Watch! Thieves!(Falls on his knees) Police! Police!(Enter Policeman—R.)Policeman(poking Openface in side with club).—Git up! Git up!Openface.—Police! I’m robbed, I’m—I’m—murder!(Enter Pedestrians—Running.)Policeman.—He’s got ’em bad; a genteel case of the tremmens.(Pedestrians laugh.)Policeman.—Somebody git a push-cart; there’s one down at the corner grocery.Pedestrian.—II’ll go, I’ll go! (Exit.)Openface(attempts to rise).—Let me up, let me get up, I’m a——Policeman(putting him down again).—Keep quiet; I’ve ordered the carriage; I’ll watch the snakes.(Pedestrians laugh.)Openface.—Let me speak.Policeman(to pedestrians).—Here comes a lady. Clear the sidewalk.(Pedestrians gather around Openface so that Tilly cannot see him.)Policeman(aside).—What a beauty!(Enter Tilly, carrying parasol.)Tilly.—Dear me! I wonder what has happened.Openface.—I am a gentleman, let me go! I have been basely robbed, let me go, I say!Policeman.—Shut up! shut up!Tilly.—That voice, that beloved voice! Surely I have heard that voice before!Policeman(bowing low).—No doubt, lady, you have often listened to my tones when I’ve been on the beat——Pedestrian(aside).—Which is all the time.Tilly.—I do not mean your voice.Openface(groans).—Let me rise.Tilly.—’Tis he! My father!Policeman(motioning her away).—Go home, Miss, go home; he’s got ’em bad; he wouldn’t know you.Tilly(places handkerchief to her eyes).—My heart will surely break.Policeman.—Oh! now we’ll get him off in good shape; here comes the push-cart.(Enter Pedestrian, carrying an arm chair.)Policeman.—Why didn’t you bring the barrow?Pedestrian.—The groceryman just left with a load of onions and won’t be back for an hour.Policeman.—Make way for the chair.(Pedestrians divide to R. and L.)Openface(stands up).—I will go straight to the Mayor and enter a complaint.Tilly(rushes to Openface).—My father!Openface.—My darling child! (They embrace.)Tilly.—Oh, how did it happen?Policeman.—What’s this mean?Openface.—It means that I have been swindled on the highway, and that you have treated me in a villainous manner.Pedestrians.—Hear! hear!(Enter Dupewell and Tommy. The latter wears a straw hat and long linen duster.)Openface.—I will give one hundred dollars for the arrest of the thieves!Tilly.—And I will owe a debt of gratitude that years can ne’er efface.Tommy(aside).—This is the opening I’ve been looking for. Here’s a chance for a fortune and a wife.—(Seizes Dupewell.)—(Aloud)—Here’s the thief!Dupewell(takes wallet from his breast and slips it into Tommy’s pocket).—’Tis false, I deny the charge!Policeman(arrests Dupewell).—Is this the man?Openface.—He looks like one of the thieves, but I am not certain; the other one I could identify at once by his clothes.Policeman.—If you cannot identify him I must let him go. (Releases Dupewell.)Dupewell.—Pity must give way to justice;—(Points to Tommy)—Seize him, he is the robber!Policeman.—Ah, ha! Come here. (Taking hold of Tommy.)Dupewell.—Feel his pockets, search him.Tommy.—You’re welcome to feel in these pockets. I’ve got nothing but loose change, the proceeds of a horse I just sold.Policeman.—Let me see. (Taking wallet from Tommy’s pocket.) Is this your property? (Hands it to Openface.)Openface.—It is; and yet I never saw this man before!Tommy.—Of course he didn’t.Dupewell.—Take off his coat and hat.Policeman.—Come sir; take them off!Tommy(struggles to escape).—I didn’t take it; I didn’t, I didn’t, let me go!Dupewell(assists to remove Tommy’s hat and duster).—Now—(to Openface),—is this the culprit?Openface.—It is; just as the rascal appeared when he committed the crime.Dupewell.—I claim the reward.Openface.—Come home with me. You shall dine with me; I will then reward you; you shall be my friend for life!Policeman.—Bring the chair here.Tilly.—Never mind sir; papa will order a coupé.Policeman.—It is for this rogue. (Tommy is forced intothe chair, after which it is raised up by two pedestrians, a third using Tommy’s legs for shafts.)Tommy.—Bad luck’s leanin’ on me heavy—at last I’ve found an openin’; but it’s the openin’ of the jail door. Ah! it’s all wrong, it’s all wrong.(All form in line with Tommy at the head; Dupewell supports Tilly on his arm; next Openface and Pedestrians.)Policeman.—Forward, march!(March is played by Piano or Orchestra, while procession countermarches.)Tommy(kicking in chair).—It’s all wrong! It’s all wrong! wrong! Balloons! balloons! it’s all wrong.Openface.—Hold! (The procession halts.) My dear sir, (to Dupewell) the cry of balloons! balloons! from that young man in the chair reminds me that I had my wallet when you called my attention to the fugitive balloons that were growing smaller and smaller as they arose in the air!Dupewell.—Well, sir!Openface.—It is not well, sir, for you, sir, for I had my wallet then, and it was only after you left me that I missed it. Release the unhappy youth and let the iron talons of the law clutch this monstrous scoundrel who would fasten his crime upon a verdant youth.(Tommy is released and Dupewell is placed in the chair.)Tommy.—Luck’s openin’ an’ shuttin’ like an alligator’s jaw; where’ll it end?Tilly.—You shall go home with us; we will try to educate you and give you profitable employment.Openface.—It is even so; I will get you a government appointment, but! but, sir! hereafter beware of taking up with strangers in matters of business; bad associates have ruined many a man. Let the phalanx move.(Music continues.)Policeman.—Forward, march!(Procession countermarches.)Dupewell(will).—It’s all wrong! it’s all wrong! it’s all wrong![Curtain.]—Geo.M. Vickers.
A FARCE, IN ONE ACT.
CHARACTERS.
Scene: A City Street in the Morning.
(Tommy discovered standing in centre of stage, near flat, holding a string in right hand, to which are attached several small rubber balloons inflated with gas.)
Tommy.—Well, here goes for another hard day’s work. This standin’ on yer feet, an’ shoutin’ all day is wicked on the toes and lungs. Hello! here comes a swell. Balloons! balloons! Here’s yer genuine rubber air wessels filled with gas!
(Enter Dupewell—Left.)
Dupewell(Swinging cane and not noticing Tommy).—Something must be done to raise the wind.
Tommy.—Balloons! balloons! balloons!
Dupewell.—Shut up! shut up, sir! Your goods are too suggestive of the present state of my stomach.
Tommy.—Don’t lean on me that way; I’m a poor boy, I want to be encouraged, for me stock’s light, trade’s dull, and both pockets is empty.
Dupewell.—Poor fellow! Perhaps I can give you a start in life, but it all depends upon—
Tommy.—Oh, sir, I never had nobody to take me by the hand and say, “Tommy, here’s a chance, take it!” I’ve been lookin’ for a openin’ all me life—
Dupewell.—And the biggest kind of a one right under your nose. (Points cane at Tommy’s mouth.)
Tommy.—I can’t see it.
Dupewell.—Well, I’ll explain. How many balloons have you sold to-day?
Tommy.—Not one; haven’t broke a string.
Dupewell.—Good! People are beginning to throng the street. Now listen; if you will strictly obey all my instructions, I will to-night give you more cash, and a squarer meal than your pockets ever held or your palate ever tasted.
Tommy.—That’s what I dreamed last night; I seed a great big—
Dupewell.—Never mind your dream. What do you want for your balloons, all of them?
Tommy.—Fifty cents.
Dupewell.—If I purchase them, will you enter my employ at once, and promise to obey me, unquestioned, in all things?
Tommy.—When do you eat breakfast?
Dupewell.—In a short time; as soon as we attend to a small affair. Do you solemnly—
Tommy.—Hold on! I never swear. I’ll be bound, I’ll affirm, I’ll promise to agree; but don’t ask me to swear; ’tain’t right.
Dupewell.—That will answer; your word will do. (Takes half-dollar from pocket and looks at it.) (Aside.)—Farewell ’till next we meet. (Aloud.)—Well, sir, here is the money.
Tommy(Taking money).—Here’s your balloons.
Dupewell.—I don’t want them just now. Tommy, loan me that coin a few minutes.
Tommy(backing away).—Can’t do that.
Dupewell(angrily).—What! disobey my first request? Besides, you hold good collateral. (Points to balloons.)
Tommy(aside).—This is a bad openin’; he’s leanin’ on me heavy at the start. (Hands money to Dupewell.) I don’t see how I’m to make a profit on this sale.
Dupewell(hurriedly).—Tut! Now for business; mark what I say; there are some persons coming this way. I’ll step off in this direction a few paces. Watch me. When I raise my hat, let your balloons go, fall on your knees and groan; say nothing to any one, but groan in reply to every question. I will attend to the rest.
Tommy.—Let me hold the fifty cents.
Dupewell.—Silence. (Exit L.)
Tommy(looking after Dupewell).—That’s a queer fellow. I think I’ll skeet. Oh! there goes his hat. (Lets the balloons go, falls on his knees and groans.)
(Enter Oliver Openface—R.)
Openface(trying to assist Tommy to arise).—My poor fellow, what ails you? Do tell me, are you sick?
(Re-enter Dupewell—R.)
(Tommy groans and looks upward.)
Dupewell(to Openface).—Sad! sad! Know the man well; worthy case—sick wife—eleven children, oldest four years—wounded in late war—lost his balloons; look! (Points upward.)
Openface.—Ah, I see. (Pulls out handkerchief and wipes eyes.) What shall we do?
Dupewell.—Make donation—encourage honesty. (Hands fifty cents to Tommy, who takes it and groans.)
Openface(examining his wallet).—I have nothing less than a fifty-dollar bill. (Holds note in his hand.)
(Dupewell takes note.)
Openface.—Hold on, there. (Reaches for note.)
Dupewell.—No, no! Let this poor man get it changed around the corner; thoroughly honest—trusted him with thousands—be responsible myself. (Aside to Tommy)—Meet me at the Hero’s Inn. (Makes believe to give note to Tommy, but puts it in his own pocket.) (Aloud) Go, now! Run! The gentleman’s waiting. (Exit Tommy, running.)
Dupewell(touching Openface on arm and pointing up).—How small those balloons appear; a mere speck.
Openface(looking up).—I cannot see them; my eyes are too old.
Dupewell(points).—See! There they go! (Takes wallet from Openface’s pocket.) See! see!
Openface(impatiently).—I’d like to see that fellow coming with my change.
Dupewell(starting to go).—I’ll see what keeps him.
Openface.—But hold on—
Dupewell(aside).—That’s what I intend to do. (Taps wallet.) (Aloud.)—Be back in a second. (Exit R.—hurriedly.)
Openface.—I just recollect that there is a dollar bill in the middle pocket of my wallet; see what time I could have saved if—(feels in his pockets)—if—if—I had only—(still feeling in his pockets)—if I had only thought of it before. (Discovers that his wallet is gone.) Come back you, there! Watch! Thieves!
(Falls on his knees) Police! Police!
(Enter Policeman—R.)
Policeman(poking Openface in side with club).—Git up! Git up!
Openface.—Police! I’m robbed, I’m—I’m—murder!
(Enter Pedestrians—Running.)
Policeman.—He’s got ’em bad; a genteel case of the tremmens.
(Pedestrians laugh.)
Policeman.—Somebody git a push-cart; there’s one down at the corner grocery.
Pedestrian.—I
I’ll go, I’ll go! (Exit.)
Openface(attempts to rise).—Let me up, let me get up, I’m a——
Policeman(putting him down again).—Keep quiet; I’ve ordered the carriage; I’ll watch the snakes.
(Pedestrians laugh.)
Openface.—Let me speak.
Policeman(to pedestrians).—Here comes a lady. Clear the sidewalk.
(Pedestrians gather around Openface so that Tilly cannot see him.)
Policeman(aside).—What a beauty!
(Enter Tilly, carrying parasol.)
Tilly.—Dear me! I wonder what has happened.
Openface.—I am a gentleman, let me go! I have been basely robbed, let me go, I say!
Policeman.—Shut up! shut up!
Tilly.—That voice, that beloved voice! Surely I have heard that voice before!
Policeman(bowing low).—No doubt, lady, you have often listened to my tones when I’ve been on the beat——
Pedestrian(aside).—Which is all the time.
Tilly.—I do not mean your voice.
Openface(groans).—Let me rise.
Tilly.—’Tis he! My father!
Policeman(motioning her away).—Go home, Miss, go home; he’s got ’em bad; he wouldn’t know you.
Tilly(places handkerchief to her eyes).—My heart will surely break.
Policeman.—Oh! now we’ll get him off in good shape; here comes the push-cart.
(Enter Pedestrian, carrying an arm chair.)
Policeman.—Why didn’t you bring the barrow?
Pedestrian.—The groceryman just left with a load of onions and won’t be back for an hour.
Policeman.—Make way for the chair.
(Pedestrians divide to R. and L.)
Openface(stands up).—I will go straight to the Mayor and enter a complaint.
Tilly(rushes to Openface).—My father!
Openface.—My darling child! (They embrace.)
Tilly.—Oh, how did it happen?
Policeman.—What’s this mean?
Openface.—It means that I have been swindled on the highway, and that you have treated me in a villainous manner.
Pedestrians.—Hear! hear!
(Enter Dupewell and Tommy. The latter wears a straw hat and long linen duster.)
Openface.—I will give one hundred dollars for the arrest of the thieves!
Tilly.—And I will owe a debt of gratitude that years can ne’er efface.
Tommy(aside).—This is the opening I’ve been looking for. Here’s a chance for a fortune and a wife.—(Seizes Dupewell.)—(Aloud)—Here’s the thief!
Dupewell(takes wallet from his breast and slips it into Tommy’s pocket).—’Tis false, I deny the charge!
Policeman(arrests Dupewell).—Is this the man?
Openface.—He looks like one of the thieves, but I am not certain; the other one I could identify at once by his clothes.
Policeman.—If you cannot identify him I must let him go. (Releases Dupewell.)
Dupewell.—Pity must give way to justice;—(Points to Tommy)—Seize him, he is the robber!
Policeman.—Ah, ha! Come here. (Taking hold of Tommy.)
Dupewell.—Feel his pockets, search him.
Tommy.—You’re welcome to feel in these pockets. I’ve got nothing but loose change, the proceeds of a horse I just sold.
Policeman.—Let me see. (Taking wallet from Tommy’s pocket.) Is this your property? (Hands it to Openface.)
Openface.—It is; and yet I never saw this man before!
Tommy.—Of course he didn’t.
Dupewell.—Take off his coat and hat.
Policeman.—Come sir; take them off!
Tommy(struggles to escape).—I didn’t take it; I didn’t, I didn’t, let me go!
Dupewell(assists to remove Tommy’s hat and duster).—Now—(to Openface),—is this the culprit?
Openface.—It is; just as the rascal appeared when he committed the crime.
Dupewell.—I claim the reward.
Openface.—Come home with me. You shall dine with me; I will then reward you; you shall be my friend for life!
Policeman.—Bring the chair here.
Tilly.—Never mind sir; papa will order a coupé.
Policeman.—It is for this rogue. (Tommy is forced intothe chair, after which it is raised up by two pedestrians, a third using Tommy’s legs for shafts.)
Tommy.—Bad luck’s leanin’ on me heavy—at last I’ve found an openin’; but it’s the openin’ of the jail door. Ah! it’s all wrong, it’s all wrong.
(All form in line with Tommy at the head; Dupewell supports Tilly on his arm; next Openface and Pedestrians.)
Policeman.—Forward, march!
(March is played by Piano or Orchestra, while procession countermarches.)
Tommy(kicking in chair).—It’s all wrong! It’s all wrong! wrong! Balloons! balloons! it’s all wrong.
Openface.—Hold! (The procession halts.) My dear sir, (to Dupewell) the cry of balloons! balloons! from that young man in the chair reminds me that I had my wallet when you called my attention to the fugitive balloons that were growing smaller and smaller as they arose in the air!
Dupewell.—Well, sir!
Openface.—It is not well, sir, for you, sir, for I had my wallet then, and it was only after you left me that I missed it. Release the unhappy youth and let the iron talons of the law clutch this monstrous scoundrel who would fasten his crime upon a verdant youth.
(Tommy is released and Dupewell is placed in the chair.)
Tommy.—Luck’s openin’ an’ shuttin’ like an alligator’s jaw; where’ll it end?
Tilly.—You shall go home with us; we will try to educate you and give you profitable employment.
Openface.—It is even so; I will get you a government appointment, but! but, sir! hereafter beware of taking up with strangers in matters of business; bad associates have ruined many a man. Let the phalanx move.
(Music continues.)
Policeman.—Forward, march!
(Procession countermarches.)
Dupewell(will).—It’s all wrong! it’s all wrong! it’s all wrong!
[Curtain.]
—Geo.M. Vickers.