Experience with a Refractory Cow.[This piece is very effective given in costume.]We used to keep a cow when we lived in the country, and sich a cow! Law sakes! Why, she used to come to be milked as reg’lar as clock-work. She’d knock at the gate with her horns, jest as sensible as any other human critter.Her name was Rose. I never knowed how she got that name, for she was black as a kittle.Well, one day Rose got sick, and wouldn’t eat nothing, poor thing! and a day or so arter she died. I raly do believeI cried when that poor critter was gone. Well, we went for a little spell without a cow, but I told Mr. Scruggins it wouldn’t do, no way nor no how; and he gin in. Whenever I saidmustMr. Scruggins knowed I meant it. Well, a few days arter, he come home with the finest cow and young calf you ever seed. He gin thirty dollars for her and the calf, and two levies to a man to help bring her home. Well, they drove her into the back yard, and Mr. Scruggins told me to come out and see her, and I did; and I went up to her jest as I used to did to Rose, and when I said “Poor Sukey,” would you believe it? the nasty brute kicked me right in the fore part of my back; her foot catched into my dress—bran-new dress, too—cost two levies a yard, and she took a levy’s-worth right out as clean as the back of my hand.I screeched right out and Mr. Scruggins kotched me jest as I was dropping, and he carried me to the door, and I went in and sot down. I felt kind o’ faintish, I was so abominable skeered.Mr. Scruggins said he would larn her better manners, so he picked up the poker and went out, but I had hardly began to get a leetle strengthened up afore in rushed my dear husband a-flourishing the poker, and that vicious cow arter him like all mad. Mr. Scruggins jumped into the room, and, afore he had time to turn round and shut the door, that desperate brute was in, too.Mr. Scruggins got up on the dining-room table, and I run into the parlor. I thought I’d be safe there, but I was skeered so bad that I forgot to shut the door, and, sakes alive! after hooking over the dining-room table and rolling Mr. Scruggins off, in she walked into the parlor, shaking her head as much as to say: “I’ll give you a touch now.” I jumped on a chair, but thinking that warn’t high enough, I got one foot on thebrass knob of the Franklin stove, and put the other on the mantel-piece. You ought to ha’ seen that cow in our parlor; she looked all round as if she was ’mazed; at last she looked in the looking-glass, and thought she seed another cow exhibiting anger like herself; she shuck her head and pawed the carpet, and so did her reflection, and—would you believe it?—that awful brute went right into my looking-glass.Then I boo-hoo’d right out. All this while I was getting agonized; the brass knob on the stove got so hot that I had to sit on the narrer mantel-piece and hold on to nothing. I dussent move for fear I’d slip off.Mr. Scruggins came round to the front door, but it was locked, and then he come to the window and opened it. I jumped down and run for the window, and hadn’t more’n got my head out afore I heard that critter a-coming after me. Gracious! but I was in a hurry; more haste, less speed, always; for the more I tried to climb quick the longer it took, and just as I got ready to jump down, that brute of a cow kotched me in the back and turned me over and over out of the window.Well, when I got right side up, I looked at the window and there stood that cow, with her head between the white and red curtains, and another piece of my dress dangling on her horns.Well, my husband and me was jest starting for the little alley that runs alongside of the house, when the cow give a bawl, and out of the window she come, whisking her tail, which had kotched fire on the Franklin stove, and it served her right.Mr. Scruggins and me run into the alley in such haste we got wedged fast. Husband tried to get ahead, but I’d been in the rear long enough, and I wouldn’t let him. That dreadfulcow no sooner seen us in the alley, than she made a dash, but thank goodness! she stuck fast, too.Husband tried the gate, but that was fast, and there wasn’t nobody inside the house to open it. Mr. Scruggins wanted to climb over and unbolt it, but I wouldn’t let him. I wasn’t going to be left alone again with that desperate cow, even if she was fast; so I made him help me over the gate. Oh, dear, climbing a high gate when you’re skeered by a cow is a dreadful thing, and I know it!Well, I got over, let husband in, and then it took him and me and four other neighbors to get that dreadful critter out of the alley. She bellered and kicked, and her calf bellered to her, and she bawled back again; but we got her out at last, and such a time! I’d had enough of her; husband sold her for twenty dollars next day. It cost him seventy-five cents to get her to market, and when he tried to pass off one of the five dollar bills he got, it turned out to be a counterfeit.Mr. Scruggins said to his dying day that he believed the brother of the man that sold him the cow bought it back again. I believe it helped to worry my poor husband into his grave. Ah, my friends, you better believe I know what a cow is.
[This piece is very effective given in costume.]
We used to keep a cow when we lived in the country, and sich a cow! Law sakes! Why, she used to come to be milked as reg’lar as clock-work. She’d knock at the gate with her horns, jest as sensible as any other human critter.
Her name was Rose. I never knowed how she got that name, for she was black as a kittle.
Well, one day Rose got sick, and wouldn’t eat nothing, poor thing! and a day or so arter she died. I raly do believeI cried when that poor critter was gone. Well, we went for a little spell without a cow, but I told Mr. Scruggins it wouldn’t do, no way nor no how; and he gin in. Whenever I saidmustMr. Scruggins knowed I meant it. Well, a few days arter, he come home with the finest cow and young calf you ever seed. He gin thirty dollars for her and the calf, and two levies to a man to help bring her home. Well, they drove her into the back yard, and Mr. Scruggins told me to come out and see her, and I did; and I went up to her jest as I used to did to Rose, and when I said “Poor Sukey,” would you believe it? the nasty brute kicked me right in the fore part of my back; her foot catched into my dress—bran-new dress, too—cost two levies a yard, and she took a levy’s-worth right out as clean as the back of my hand.
I screeched right out and Mr. Scruggins kotched me jest as I was dropping, and he carried me to the door, and I went in and sot down. I felt kind o’ faintish, I was so abominable skeered.
Mr. Scruggins said he would larn her better manners, so he picked up the poker and went out, but I had hardly began to get a leetle strengthened up afore in rushed my dear husband a-flourishing the poker, and that vicious cow arter him like all mad. Mr. Scruggins jumped into the room, and, afore he had time to turn round and shut the door, that desperate brute was in, too.
Mr. Scruggins got up on the dining-room table, and I run into the parlor. I thought I’d be safe there, but I was skeered so bad that I forgot to shut the door, and, sakes alive! after hooking over the dining-room table and rolling Mr. Scruggins off, in she walked into the parlor, shaking her head as much as to say: “I’ll give you a touch now.” I jumped on a chair, but thinking that warn’t high enough, I got one foot on thebrass knob of the Franklin stove, and put the other on the mantel-piece. You ought to ha’ seen that cow in our parlor; she looked all round as if she was ’mazed; at last she looked in the looking-glass, and thought she seed another cow exhibiting anger like herself; she shuck her head and pawed the carpet, and so did her reflection, and—would you believe it?—that awful brute went right into my looking-glass.
Then I boo-hoo’d right out. All this while I was getting agonized; the brass knob on the stove got so hot that I had to sit on the narrer mantel-piece and hold on to nothing. I dussent move for fear I’d slip off.
Mr. Scruggins came round to the front door, but it was locked, and then he come to the window and opened it. I jumped down and run for the window, and hadn’t more’n got my head out afore I heard that critter a-coming after me. Gracious! but I was in a hurry; more haste, less speed, always; for the more I tried to climb quick the longer it took, and just as I got ready to jump down, that brute of a cow kotched me in the back and turned me over and over out of the window.
Well, when I got right side up, I looked at the window and there stood that cow, with her head between the white and red curtains, and another piece of my dress dangling on her horns.
Well, my husband and me was jest starting for the little alley that runs alongside of the house, when the cow give a bawl, and out of the window she come, whisking her tail, which had kotched fire on the Franklin stove, and it served her right.
Mr. Scruggins and me run into the alley in such haste we got wedged fast. Husband tried to get ahead, but I’d been in the rear long enough, and I wouldn’t let him. That dreadfulcow no sooner seen us in the alley, than she made a dash, but thank goodness! she stuck fast, too.
Husband tried the gate, but that was fast, and there wasn’t nobody inside the house to open it. Mr. Scruggins wanted to climb over and unbolt it, but I wouldn’t let him. I wasn’t going to be left alone again with that desperate cow, even if she was fast; so I made him help me over the gate. Oh, dear, climbing a high gate when you’re skeered by a cow is a dreadful thing, and I know it!
Well, I got over, let husband in, and then it took him and me and four other neighbors to get that dreadful critter out of the alley. She bellered and kicked, and her calf bellered to her, and she bawled back again; but we got her out at last, and such a time! I’d had enough of her; husband sold her for twenty dollars next day. It cost him seventy-five cents to get her to market, and when he tried to pass off one of the five dollar bills he got, it turned out to be a counterfeit.
Mr. Scruggins said to his dying day that he believed the brother of the man that sold him the cow bought it back again. I believe it helped to worry my poor husband into his grave. Ah, my friends, you better believe I know what a cow is.