LETTER IX
IN WHICH I DON’T GET WET
Dear Mom:
Well, I suppose you have saw in the papers how they are making a lot of fun of the Spokesman because of the story that He has got a camelephant in His room, so thatHe can get His exercise by riding on it every morning in His pajamas. It is like Mr. Edgerton said He was afraid it would be they are getting smart about it and not taking Him respectful like a great Man like Him had ought to be took.
This a. m. there was a girl in the Elite Beauty Parlors that had a paper and there was no customers so she was reading about it and then she begun telling it and they was all chuckling. It seems this smart aleck in the paper was saying that this camelephant went about the room with the Spokesman on the top of it and that it had got unruly and had bumped Him against the chandelier and the aleck said the camelephant was built so the electric contact was got through spurs and that you stopped it by pulling on a pair of rains and saying, “Ho!” And he said that why He had got a camelephant not a zebray was because a camelephant don’t have to be watered more than onced in three weeks and also because it was the emblem of the dries and so on a lot of silly stuff that it is a shame to write about a great Man that has got the hard job of governing and teaching the whole country.
Well it made me hot to listen to them sillies giggling there and I says, “That is all a bunch of nonsense,” I says, “that camelephant does not travel but it stays on one place and it goes when you press a button and the reason it is a camelephant not a zebray is got nothing to do with prohibition,” I says, “but because it is ordered for His liver and the camelephant is a beast that has got a very bumpy gate and it shakes you a lot when you ride on him.”
Well and of course that got the lot of them peeved and Ada Huggins the silly that wants me to call her Adaire only I won’t fool with such nonsense she says, “What do you know about it?” And I says, “Never you mind what I know,” I says, “but I know a lot more than you think I know.” “Maybe you have been invited up to that big white house to visit Him,” she says and I says, “Maybe I have been and maybe I will be I aint telling it to you.”
Well of course that intreegs them a lot, for they have saw there is something mysterious in my life and they would give a day’s pay to know but I dont say nothing because it is a state secret as Mr. Edgerton says and my power to educate him and the Spokesman would be gone if anybody knowed that I was doing it he says the newspapers would not respect the ideas that I give them if it was knowed that they come from a manicure girl in the Elite Beauty Parlors.
P. S. Well Mom I have saw Mr. Edgerton again and it is getting to be very exciting because there is sure some enemy that is shadowing us and trying to find out what we are doing. Mr. Edgerton says whenever he comes out of the big white house there is somebody following him but he managed to shook him off and we had another dinner in the Greek restaurant where they cook things with mutton suet and he told me all what is happening. And it seems that it is very dreadful because the papers all over the country is laughing about that camelephant and telling all kinds of silly things like that it makes an awful racket while it runs or that the Spokesman has got a secretary riding with him and dictates his male while he goes out for a camelephant gallop.
Mr. Edgerton says he give positive orders to the reporters of all the newspapers of the country that nothing more was to be sent out on that camelephant but it done no good because the editors was all telegraphing for more and even cabling from South Africa and China and if the editors didnt get no more they would make it up anyhow. And the Spokesman is so worried that He has not been able to think about governing the country for the past few days but only scolding about who let the camelephant out of the stable.
And at last it was found out who done it and it was Mr. Grandaddy Prows that done it and they had an awful scene and the old gentleman wept tears and he said that he hadn’t meant no harm but he only thought that the plain people would want to know all about the homelife of their great Man and would like to read about His camelephant just as they liked to read about the Spokeslady’s pet dog and how the family automobile had been held up a whole minute after the Spokesman had got into it while the Spokeslady was coaxing Her dog to get in.
And the Spokesman said it was not the same at all because when He was in the automobile with His wife and Her dog He had something more than His pajamas on, and so it was proper for the public to think about Him then. He said that Grandaddy Prows had proved himself without discretion and that his usefulness to the Spokesman was ended and the poor old gentleman went off with his heart broken and now it is announced that him and his wife is starting on a European tour that he is doing some highly secret diplomatical errands for the Spokesman.
And of course that is very sad and I am upset too becauseMr. Edgerton says he cannot get the Spokesman to think about international affairs at all no more. The reason for the worry he says is that the Spokesman got into this great office by accident and He knows that He is wearing shoes that is many times too big for Him and He is scared to death that some day the people may get onto the real size of His feet. And I says, “Oh that explains it then because I could not see why He was so afraid of being saw in His pajamas. Because after all I have saw lots of pictures of screen actors in their pajamas and I have thought they was lovely. And when you see the pictures of defendants and corespondents and other people in divorce actions they do not look so bad at all in pajamas,” I says.
Well the big white house is a mean place to live right now Mr. Edgerton says with everybody in the dumps or scared and anybody can get rich quick that can find out a way to get the American people to talk about any other animal in the zoo but the camelephant. I says, “Mr. Edgerton, it’s not that I want money,” I says, “because I am willing to serve my country for the love of it and I think it had ought to be possible for the Spokesman to do His great work without being bothered,” I says, “so let’s you and me figure out a way to get the people to appreciate and love Him again.”
So then he looks relieved because he has come to have great confidence in me because the training I got in the gas-house district of Camden New Jersey has been better for this job than what he got when he was in college. So he says, “All right Miss Riggs let us do it. What do you suggest?”
And I says, “Any good woman would of been able to of told you. The Spokesman has got virtues that the plain people love and what we have got to do is to pick out one of them and get the people to think about that.”
“Which one do you suggest?”
“You say that His great love is for economy and you take it from me they may pay a lot of money to boot-leggers and jazz-bands but deep down in their hearts the American people aint forgot that the real way to make money is to save it.”
“Yes I suppose so,” he says but kind of half-hearted.
“Listen to me,” I says. “It is coming on to be springtime and every man in this country is worried because he knows he has got to pay a bill for his wife’s new Easter hat. Now suppose you was to fix it that the Spokesladywas not to buy no Easter hat and you give out to all the newspapers of the world a story that She is making over Her old hat for this season don’t you know that would warm the heart of every man in the country?”
Well he thinks it over but then he says, “Miss Riggs what about all the women that want to have their new hats?”
“Take it from me,” I says, “The woman is fretting because her husband is spending too much on his new spring suit so let there be another story that the Spokesman is getting only a very cheap spring suit say twenty-five dollars.”
“No,” he says, “that would be too cheap they would not believe that it would sound like a shipping-clerk or something.”
“Well,” says I, “it happens that back in Camden New Jersey I have got a fyansay that is a shipping-clerk and it is nothing to be ashamed of,” I says. “But make it thirty-five or forty-five or fifty-five or sixty-five whatever seems right—”
“Sixty-five would be about right,” he says. “And come to think of it Miss Riggs I shouldn’t wonder if you have saved the day.”
“Let us hope that it is not too late,” I says.
“How do you mean too late?”
“I mean that He has not got His spring suit already and paid too much for it.”
“But what harm would that do?”
“Well,” I says, “but if it aint a true story it would be no good.”
“That can be fixed up,” he says. “If the Spokesman has got a suit that is not economical enough it can be for a present to His chef up there at the big white house or maybe for the captain of His yacht,” he says. And then he rushes away right off because he thinks that if the Spokesman knows about this He may be able to get some sleep tonight which is something He needs even worse than exercise for His liver.
And so then I start out for home and gee Mom it is awful because it has started to rain. There I am with my new suit and my new hat and shoes and gloves and I haven’t got my umbrella and besides it is busted and if I was to buy a new one I should not have no lunch for the rest of this week and the next. And so I stand in the doorway of the restaurant waiting for the rain to stop but it gets worse and I stand till my legs is ready to give away and the tears is running down my cheeks as bad as the rainand gee Mom it is sure awful to be a poor girl and have only one chance to look decent in your whole life-time and then see you got to lose that chance.
Well I look around and standing under the awning of the next store who do you think I see—the feller that has been shadowing Mr. Edgerton and me! And suddenly I gets red hot and I goes over to him and I says, “What are you following me round for?”
Well of course he is rattled and he stammers, “I aint been following you lady I am waiting for the rain to stop.”
“You husky brute with an umbrella and rubber shoes on?” I says. “Go and tell that to the judge,” I says. “What is it you want out of me?”
Of course he don’t know what to say but suddenly I make a guess and I says, “Do you want to know where I live?” I says. “Are you trying to follow me home? If so,” I says, “I’ll make you a bargain you lend me them rubbers to put over my new shoes and you put that there umbrella over my new hat and dress and you can walk home with me as straight as the streets run.”
And gee Mom he is tickled so that he busts out laughing. It seems that he is a good sport because he says “All right Miss if you really mean it I’ll take you up.” And he reaches down and takes off his rubbers.
But before I stoop to put them on I gives him a good look in the eye and I says, “Look here Mr. Man I want you to understand that I’m a lady and if you try to get fresh with me I’ll poke you in the mug with your own umbrella,” I says.
And he says, “Oh no ma’am it aint anything like that,” he says. “I am a respectable married man and you are quite safe with me.” And so he escorts me home and bids me good-night at the door as polite as if I was the daughter of an admiral or of some famous diplomat like Mr. Edgerton says that I look. And what it is that he’s after well I suppose I’ll know about it someday when it has happened.
Your uncertain daughter
Mame.