LETTER XVII
IN WHICH I BECOME A SYKER
Dear Mom:
I have your letter in which you send me two dollars and it is sure good of you and Pop to think of me with all the troubles of your own you have got. It come at just the right moment for I had got down to only nine cents, and I did not dare to buy the morning paper to see what the Spokesman has been saying. Mr. Edgerton has got it fixed that I have been appointed Emergency Field Grammarian but I do not get the salary until Saturday and these two dollars will save my life.
And oh Mom I am glad that you will talk to Walter for me. I know that you and Pop are not keen about having me in love with a poor shipping-clerk but all the same that iswhat is kept me good through all the temptations of a great city and so you must help me and make Walter understand that I really am helping Mr. Edgerton like I say and telling him what he is to tell the Spokesman to tell to the American people.
Well Mr. Edgerton is been so good I have saw him again and he seen that I had on that poor old shirtwaist and he says, “Why where is your fine good clothes?” he says. And so I have to tell him that it is got so hot that I cannot wear a winter suit no more and he says, “Come along now you have got to be dressed like a Grammarian,” he says and so he takes me into a department store and buys me everything all new a pearl grey suit with a hat and shoes and all and so I can be a summer lady as well as a winter one.
But he tells me some very bad news that the secretary of state that they call Scared Sally has decided that he will let that Bolshiviki count come into the country provided that he does not do no propaganda about politics while he is here but will only see his wife that is sick. And I says, “My God Mr. Edgerton that is a mistake because them fellers is not to be trusted and anybody can see that it is propaganda for a feller like that just to be alive.”
And he says, “That is exactly right Miss Riggs it is what I have said to them.”
And I says, “But why does the Spokesman allow such things?” and he says that He is leaving it all to that Scared Sally.
And I says, “But Mr. Edgerton they have already give out a statement that he will not be let to come in. The Spokesman has said it Himself.”
“Yes,” he says, “but the Spokesman can always take back what He has said.”
“But Mr. Edgerton,” I says, “how can He when He is said it to a hundred newspaper reporters and they have wrote it down?”
“He just says that He didn’t say it and they all have to say they made a mistake.”
“But my God don’t none of them ever kick?”
“Two of them done it onst but all they got was they was not allowed to no more interviews which put them out of business and taught the others better.”
“Well,” I says, “if a Man has got all the newspapers where you can walk on their faces like that,” I says, “why does He want an electric camelephant to ride?”
He says it has always been that way there used to be whatwas called an Ananias Club in Washington and that was for people that had objected to the Spokesman changing his mind. He says that now they don’t allow no stenographic notes of the Spokesman’s interviews so that it will not be possible to prove what He has said. “And so you see,” he says, “how easy it is to be a Great Man.”
“Well,” I says, “they will see that Hunkie count will make a fool out of them all,” and he says, “That is exactly what will happen and it will give the Spokesman a black eye worse than the one that He got up there when He had the police-strike,” he says. “The truth is I am sick of telling Him what to do and not having it done and if somebody was to offer me a good position in private life I would take it tomorrow.”
I says, “Oh Mr. Edgerton do not desert your country and do not desert me.”
“Don’t you worry Mamie Riggs,” he says and that is the first time he has ever called me Mamie. “I am not agoing to desert you and you will have a friend in me for the rest of your life for you have got more sense than any male politician in the business,” he says and of course that is a sweet thing to say and he gives my arm a squeeze as we are walking on the street but then I am scared because I have got to remember that he is a married man and all.
So to remind him I says, “And how is the wife getting on?”
He says, “Oh she is having the time of her life because this getting syked is the best thing that is ever come along so she says.”
And then he goes on to tell me about this and it seems that a lady pays this syking man ten dollars an hour to listen to her troubles and about her soul and she gets to be more and more interested in that syker and that is a regular part of the treatment it seems and it is called by a long name it is a Transference.
And I says, “Well Mr. Edgerton they are always getting new names for old things,” I says, “for when you go to a moving picture that thing is what is called a Triangle.”
He laughs and says that is so but I can see that he is kind of sore about it and he says, “That feller is got Mrs. Edgerton running there to see him every day and telling him her fusses with me and he is calling her up on the phone and making dates with her and I have made up my mind that I am not going to stand it much longer and I have told her so in plain words.”
And I says, “But look here Mr. Edgerton,” I says, “howis this that you are calling me up on the phone and making dates with me and you do not want her to object to that,” I says.
“Oh,” he says, “but that is different.”
And I says, “But why is it different?” and he says, “Because it is a matter of business with you and me.”
And I says, “Yes, but it is a matter of business with him also and if he is getting ten dollars an hour for it it is a matter of very good business indeed.”
He is kind of embarrassed and says, “She has not failed to point that out to me.” And I says, “She naturally would not fail because we women are good at seeing things that is right in front of our eyes,” I says, “and what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander though not meaning to speak disrespectful of you and Mrs. Edgerton,” I says. “Now you have got to give her a square deal and you may be sure that I am not going to help you do nothing else.”
And he laughs and says that I have become his syker and I says, “Well at least I have cost you less than ten dollars an hour,” I says.
Well we go to a restaurant a swell one because I have got my swell new clothes now and I have got my bright hair all cut off and my head fixed with a veil and I am a respectable Emergency Field Grammarian so that a member of the Administration can buy me a dinner without its being a scandal. And Mom in this place they are so respectable that they bring the cocktails to you in a soup-tureen and you eat them out of a dish with a spoon and gee Mom it is so funny!
And we are talking all about international affairs and Mr. Edgerton tells me the most interesting things it seems that the police has just arrested a way high-up bootlegger and how they come to do such a thing he cannot say but the police is getting more and more higher handed all the time. I shall never forget my indignation while that one was shooing me away from the Elite Beauty Parlors while I was leading the strike.
Well anyhow they have got this bootlegger and he is got a notebook on him with all the addresses of his customers and how much they have bought and all and gee Mom it is the most awful thing because there is senators and judges and some Persons the most sacred so that I would not dare to put it into a letter except to say that a very very special friend of mine is one of them and had just got a case of genuine Scotch that very week and now it seems that some of them dry fellers in Congress is got a hold of the story and isthreatening to make speeches about it and of course none of the papers is saying a word but still everybody is scared because something might bust open. He says that is always the way in political life you can never be really safe because there is always some Bolshiviki senators that makes speeches and there is Bolshiviki papers that will print what they say.
And he told me all about how it was when this new Spokesman first come into office there was the most dreadful lot of scandals because it was found that some of the brass kings had been buying up the government. He explained to me how it is these brass fellers is very rich and great sports and is used to getting what they want and paying what it costs even if it is a member of the cabinet. And it seems that the government owned a huge brass teapot somewhere in the West and it was the brass reserve for the navy so that if ever there was to be a war we would be able to make all the brass buttons that would be needed for the sailors’ uniforms. But it seems that one of the brass kings paid a hundred thousand dollars in a black bag to a member of the cabinet and got away with this brass teapot.
I says, “Look ahere Mr. Edgerton what is this that you are telling me the plot of a movie that you seen last night?” And he says, “Upon my word no it is exactly what happened and I would rather of had to enlist and sit for four years with German big Berthas dropping bomb-shells onto me than go through with all that trouble again.”
I says, “What did you have to do with it?” and he says, “I was the Spokesman’s Secretary all through it the same as I am now and my God you could not think of anything so awful in a nightmare. You would spend hours thinking up a story and then hold a session of the cabinet and get everybody to agree and learn it by heart and then early next morning you would get a call from the chief of the secret service that in the night they had raided the rooms of one of them Bolshiviki senators that was doing the exposures and they had found out that these senators had got evidence that would knock your story into a cocked hat. And then you would have to begin telephoning to all the members of the cabinet to get them to change the story and a few hours later the secret service would bring you word that the Bolshiviki senators had tapped your telephone lines and heard what your new story was to be. It went on like that for weeks,” he says, “and the Spokesman was just about paralyzed with fright.”
“Well,” I says, “Mr. Edgerton does it not suggest thatmaybe there is something in my idea of just telling the plane truth all the time?” But he will not hear to no such Sunday school talk as he calls it because he says, “How can you tell the truth when the truth is that everybody you know has been helping himself to everything he could get his hands on?”
I says, “Mr. Edgerton there is a lot about this political game that is hard for an outsider to understand and one of the things is how it can be called patriotism and economy and all that when people that holds high office is busy robbing the government?” I says. “It seems to me we are giving the Bolshivikis too easy an argument if that is the ways things is.”
“Yes,” he says, “I know it seems like that and it is complicated and hard for the plain people to understand but I have heard the Spokesman Himself explain it and it is quite all right when you get His ideas. You see there is all kinds of wealth that the government is got but is not able to make use of it because the government is got no business being in business which it cannot run economical or efficient. The right people to own all these resources is the big business men that is got the money and brains and everything and so it is a real advantage to the people when the business men get these things away from the government.”
“You mean even when they have got to steal them?” I says.
“Yes,” he says, “that is what the Spokesman thinks and in the long run He is right because for example take this here teapot and you will see that while the government owned it it was not doing nothing but now that the brass kings have got it they have set it on the fire and it is boiling away and making tea for people to drink.”
“Well that sounds all right,” I says, “but I would want to know which people is drinking the tea and is it the brass kings?”
“Well yes,” he says, “I suppose it is them that gets the most of the tea but then if they hadn’t of stole the teapot there wouldn’t nobody of got no tea at all.”
So you see again Mom how complicated these international affairs is and what a tremendous job I have got to understand them. But you tell Pop that he does not ever need to worry that I will get a swelled head even though I am getting to understand them better than him.
Your devoted daughter
Mame.