SirJohn NorrisCommander in Chief of Her Majesty QueenElizabeth’s Land-Forces against theSpaniard,to SirHenry Bellasisand SirCharles Hara.
SirJohn NorrisCommander in Chief of Her Majesty QueenElizabeth’s Land-Forces against theSpaniard,to SirHenry Bellasisand SirCharles Hara.
Gentlemen,
WE had no sooner intelligence of your designs, but we gave theSpaniardsover for lost: the path has been so gallantly beaten to your hands, and your enemies hardly recruited their former losses in our glorious times, if they cou’d have forgot from whose hands they sustain’d ’em. If I may remind you without vanity, as I do it without a lie, I took the lower town of theGroyn, I plunder’d all the villages round about it, and by the gallantry of theEnglishcut theSpaniardsto pieces for three miles together. But these were profess’d enemies that had attempted upon our state, and by their formidable preparations, threatned no less than our entire ruin. However, in all the licentiousness of a conquering sword, we ravish’d no nuns; and it had been justifiable if we had doneit. We took the city ofSt. Joseph, and tho’ there was not found one single piece of coin’d money in it (which is a very exasperating disappointment to soldiers you know) yet we forc’d no nunneries. Had you two, gentlemen, been there, I presume you wou’d have eaten the children alive for mere madness and vexation, after you had gratify’d your more unpardonable brutish lusts upon the monasteries. Distressed damsels were heretofore the general cause for which the heroes drew their swords: as their sex made them the objects of our desires, so when their weakness was forc’d upon, they became doubly the subjects of our quarrels, and by so just a claim, that nothing but the very reproach of mankind refus’d it ’em. Your case, as I take it (gentlemen) is far different from that, where positive orders give licence; nay, an insurrection itself, and to lay all waste before you; to ransack the churches, and ravish the women, to burn the houses, and brain the sucking children; these are political rigors, that by a present shedding of blood, saves the lives of many thousands afterwards: this putting all to the sword, intimidates small towns for making feeble efforts for an impossible defence; which by losing some time, and some few men’s lives only, enrages the conquerer at last, to use the same severity with them too, to punish their obstinacy. These are bloody maxims of war, but necessary sometimes, therefore lawful. But you (gentlemen) had not the least shadow of pretence for your lust or your avarice: if these are the insolent effects of your friendship, I fear no body will admit of your alliances, much less court them. Friendship betray’d, is the blackest crime that is, and what so far degrades a gentleman from the character of honour, that miracles of bravery in sieges afterwards wou’d never wear out the blot: but as if you had resolved to make yourselves odious, by making the fact more infamous, they must be nuns too, forsooth, that must be constrained to your libidinous authority. Your sacrilegious covetousness might have met with a shadow of excuse, if your intemperance had proceeded no farther: and indeed they must have a great deal of wit as well as goodness, that can invent any thing like a reason to mitigate the abomination of it. You, old commanders, you, old covetous lechers, the bane of an army, the reproach ofthe best general, and of the most glorious princess. What laurels have your lust and rapines torn fromO——’s brows? What honours from yourEnglisharms? And what vast advantages from your own sovereign? Had not your impious carriage made implacable enemies of those that were not quite resolved to continue long so at all, this summer had rais’d your princess to that pinnacle of renown and grandeur, that none ever surpass’d, and but few ever came up to besides our illustrious queen, of whom no man can say too much; therefore of you, gentlemen, none can say too ill. A design so deeply laid, so cautiously manag’d, so long conceal’d, so wisely concerted, cou’d not possibly miss of a happy event, if your impious indignities had not constrained heaven to blast the undertaking, to shew it was just; thus the army perished forDavid’s having numbred the people: you went to free ’em from a foreign dominion, to settle the right of government in the right person, to prevent innovations, and relieve the oppress’d; in a word, to do justice to every subject. Oh, the plausible pretext! the noble reasons for so chargeable an expedition! yet no sooner has the justice of the cause in general crown’d your attempts with success, but your particular outrages pull down vengeance, and raise yourselves enemies even out of the dust; the consciousness of your wickedness blunts the edge of your swords, and adds new life and vigour to those whom your courage and generosity had almost vanquish’d before. SirWalter Rawleigh, my worthy companion of arms, refused two millions of ducats, and burnt the merchants ships atPort Royal, because that was his errand, and he was as just as he was brave. Had you two but commanded there (gentlemen) theSpanishmerchants had not need have made so large an offer: half the money and ten young nuns a-piece, and you had betray’d your country. However, we question not but in a little time, or by the next packet at least, to hear that justice is executed upon you both to absolve the nation, and atone for so abominable and unpardonable, so nefarious and ungentlemen-like an action. You will find a place on the other side of our river, that will cool your courage, by way of antiperistasis, with wond’rous heat.
DonAlphonso PerezdeGusman,Duke ofMedina Sidonia,Admiral of the invincibleArmada,to MonsieurChateau-renault,atRodondello.
DonAlphonso PerezdeGusman,Duke ofMedina Sidonia,Admiral of the invincibleArmada,to MonsieurChateau-renault,atRodondello.
WHY this mighty concern for what cannot be avoided? Why this chagrin? Why thismal au cœur? You might have fancied yourself invincible, you might have got a sanctified pass from his holiness, it would still have had the same catastrophe. TheEnglishare hereticks, man, they value none of these evangelical charms of a rush; their bullets have no consideration in the world for a relique, nor their small-shot for a chaplet. Besides, they are so well acquainted with our seas, their own channel is hardly more familiar to them. This is but the old grudge of 88, when queenElizabeththump’d us so about: considering all things, I think you are come off very well. What signifies a few paultry hulks? The plate we are sure you had prudently carried over the mountains in 1500 carts at least, an undertaking as little dream’d of, and as much surprizing, as princeEugene’s passing theAlps; but with this plaguy unlucky disadvantage, that it may not be quite so true. Now and then in my more reserved speculations, I stumbled upon that sameDrake, that burn’d about 100 of our ships atCadiz; upon my honour I can’t forgive him, and yet can’t blame him neither. But those two galeons that were so richly laden, stick in my stomach most confoundedly. No wonder our affairs prosper no better, for those same hereticks have taken away several of our saints; that sameDrakeI mentioned just now, he run away withSt. Philip. Besides this, theseEnglishwater-dogs swam after us intoCadiz, and went toPointal, and there firk’d us so about the pig-market, that we were even glad to save our bacon, and fire some of our ships, and run the others on ground; there too, after burning the admiral, these unsanctifyed ranters stole away, not sneakingly, but with an open hand, and main force, two most glorious saints more, St.Matthewand St.Andrew. There was another too of thoseEnglishbully-rocks, SirWalter Rawleigh, with a pox tohim, he serv’d us a slippery trick indeed, for he took away the mother of God, and God knows she was worth one hundred and fifty thousand pounds sterling, not reckoning the other smaller craft that went with him only to bear her company. There is something in our destinies that gives them an ascendant over us; and a brave man scorns to buckle to fortune. You may live to be beaten again as I was, and poorAlphonso de Leva, nay, honestRecalde, he was cursedly maul’d too with his rear squadron; and to add to my misfortunes, I was a little while after drubb’d again by them, I thought they never would have done dancing round me for my part: but what consummated my disgrace, and still leaves the deepest impression on my spirits, is the burning my fleet atCalais; there I must own it sincerely to you, I was somewhat astonished: I thoughtVesuviushad been floating upon the water, or mountÆtnahad out of kindness come to light me thro’ the north passage home: but this was a hellish invention of thoseEnglishmento set my ships on fire, and destroy us all.
Now this similitude of our destinies having endeared you to me, I thought my comparing our notes together might mitigate part of your affliction. Nay, thus far we are again alike in the frowns of insulting fortune, that they will make new medals with the old inscription,dux fœmina facti. Indeed you must give me leave, Sir, to be a little free with you, that is, to tell you for ought I know, providence may have ordered it so, to shew that the wisdom of man is really but a chimera, and asSpain, when in the highest exaltation of its glory, with a vast fleet that was three years equipping, and consisted of no less than 130 sail of ships, enough to have forc’d her way thro’ the universe; yet with all this preparation, a single woman, embroil’d in her state at home, not only made head against us, but even quite destroy’d us; insomuch, that the kingdom ofSpainwas never fully able to recover the vast expence of this fleet, and the continued losses that attended its being beaten: in like manner, Sir, what know we but that the kingdom ofFrance, being now even at the summit of glory, and by the accession of theSpanishinterest, so entirely at his own devotion, may not see all his laurels torn from his brows by a queen, and to the dishonour oftheSaliclaw, make the greatest of all its monarchs truckle to a woman, whom they thought incapable of reigning. I don’t say this will be certainly so, but examining all occurrences hitherto, it looks but scurvily upon theSpanishandFrenchside. ForFrancewas never so many times, and so considerably defeated since he sat upon the throne, and that too both by sea and land. Indeed theEnglishin these parts grow very pragmatical upon it, and at every turn call fora son of a whore of aSpaniardto make snuff of. CardinalGranvil, that was the ablest head-piece of his time, avers it so positively, that I dare not aim at a contradiction; and his opinion is, That theEnglish, who are naturally good when they are yielded to, and only obstinate and angry when they are oppos’d, will ever be happily governed by a queen; and he assigns this for a reason, that the monarchy ofEnglandhaving a great alloy of a republick, they are more jealous of their warlike princes than of their weak ones, and least they should happen to give a daring prince an unhappy opportunity of treading upon their necks, if they should stoop any thing low, they will always in parliament keep him at some distance; but as a woman cannot pretend to guide the reins of empire by a strong hand, they must do it by a wise head; therefore not trusting so much to her own judgment, as hot-headed man does, she does nothing without the advice of her council; and that is a small parliament, as a parliament is a grand national council, and this method of government suits best with theEnglishtemper: from whence I conclude, thatEnglandnever was in so fair a prospect of doing herself justice, and asserting her rights, since that miracle of a woman queenElizabeth, as it is at this juncture. For so glorious and triumphant beginnings open all her subjects hearts, and their coffers with them, which cannot tend but to our ruin and shame. Make haste hither, and get out of the confusion that you cannot long defer.
NAY, this is beyond the possibility of patience! and tho’ there is much due to the character of princes, yet there is more to ourselves and truth; and I cannot withoutthe highest injustice and ingratitude possible, but remind you of some of the actions of your idol monarch, which with so much reason dispute with each other, which was the most enormous and tyrannical. I only endeavour’d to makeJulianthe apostate, pass upon posterity for a hero, and you call me an insolent brazen-fac’d rascally flatterer. If I exceeded the exactness of an historian, it was because in that treatise I set up for a courtier, and sincerity in such people is of the most dangerous consequence imaginable. If the emperorJulianhad been the first monster in nature, that met with a willing pen to set his actions in a less inglorious light than others expected, and naked truth required; yet I am sure he is not the greatest. Your master has trac’d all the footsteps of his cruelty and policy; for if he manag’d matters so swimmingly between the catholicks andArrians,that he secur’d himself by their divisions, Loüishas all along done the same: if he countenanced theJews, Loüissupported theTurks,if he destroyed the christians, Loüishad done it in a much more barbarous and perfidious manner. If he threw down the images ofChristatCæsarea Philippi, Loüishas acted the same in the front of the jesuits[55]Church:now since you have dar’d to consecrate the reputation of your king, why so many bitter invectives against me a pettyPagan,for speaking in favour of my master? you modern wits, that value your selves so much upon the having refin’d our dross, have sunk as scandalously low in matters of flattery as any of us. We are continually pestered here with disputes; and every court rings with the different claims. Thepopessendlegateshither for their saints, Plutowon’t let one of them go, because they are damned. Others will have it that their time is fulfilled in Purgatory, therefore would be discharged: but the Devil knows better things, FatherGarnettoo, that execrable engine of thePowder-Plotstorms and raves, but the horned gentlemen with cloven feet laugh at him, and his canonization. Where was there ever so much innocent christian blood shed as onBartholomew’s day atParis?and yet even that unparalleled murder has been justified a thousand times by your church; as if the accurateness of a man’s pen could make that pass for a virtue which will be an everlasting and detestable blot. Pelissonis a man of prodigious parts, Boileauthe smoothest pen and noblest genius of his time, because their prince is alive, and equally generous to reward their flattery, as greedy to have it: but poor I, because I have been dead one thousand four hundred years, and better, I am an idle rascally fellow. But even at this distance I am no stranger to the transactions ofVersailles;and since you have spit out so much of your blackest venom against me and my hero, I shall take the freedom to call to mind some of those very remarkable particulars which give so glorious a lustre, as you call it, to yourviro immortali.His life has been one continued series of rapines and murders, perjuries and desolations. For tho’ the first disorders inHungary,were in some measure owing to the injustices countTeckeleyreceived from the ministers of the empire, yet it is undeniably true, thatFrancefomented the war, and sollicited theTurkto espouseTeckeley’s quarrels, and promised to assist him himself. The negotiations of theFrenchambassadors at the Port, the vast sums of money remitted toTeckeley,and the endeavours to disengage the king ofPolandand the duke ofBavariafrom the interest of the empire; these things, Mons.Boileau,were not managed with so much secrecy, but the more essential particulars are come to many peoples knowledge. His other underhand dealings with several princes and cities ofGermany,shewed his formidable army inAlsatiawas not to succour the empire, but to seize on it. But the raising the siege atViennabroke all their measures atVersailles,and the king ofFrance,confounded at his disappointment, vented his rage upon his own subjects, and that part of them too that set the crown upon his head, when the most considerable of theRoman Catholicksabandon’d his interest. The ravage he committed in the territories of the three ecclesiastical electors, and in thePalatinateat the same time, shewed him rather the scourge of mankind, than the eldest son of the church.
’Tis true, there never was any prince but had his flatterers: but youFrenchhave been guilty of the grossest to the present king ofFrance,that ever were recorded. MyJulianwould have blush’d, or rather trembled, at such blasphemous adulation. Loüishas been adored for his mercy, and yet exceeded ourNeroin barbarity and bloodshed. Fire and sword were mild executioners of his cruelty; for his impetuous lust of mischief has been so fruitful in inventing torments, that he has made all those forms of death desirable to his subjects that were the reproach of tyrants: his ingenious malice has contrived exquisite pain, without destroying the persons that suffer it; and if he could compel man to be immortal, he would vie miseries with hell itself. He scorns all the humble paths ofDomitian’s perfidiousness: such puny perjuries are too mean forLoüis le Grand:And since he could not possibly make them greater in their nature, he aggravated them by their number. The peace of thePyreneans,that ofAix la Chapelle,that ofNimeguen,the truce for twenty years, the edict ofNants,the treaty atReswick,are sufficient arguments, that he only promised that he might not perform; and vow’d to observe treaties that he might have the lechery of breaking them afterwards with a more execrable guilt. Your servile flattery stiles him the restorer and preserver of the peace ofChristendom,yet he arm’d the Crescent against the Cross, and carried desolation through every corner ofEurope.There is no prince but he has invaded, no neighbour that he has not oppress’d, no law that he has not violated, no religion that he has not trampled on, and shewed the successors of St.Peter,that he had one sword sharper than both theirs. His panegyrists have refined the impious wit ofCommodus’s sycophants; and lest books should not transmit their blasphemies low enough to posterity, they have raised superb monuments of his arrogancy and their own shame. What statues, what pictures of him atVersailles, Fountainbleau, Marly,theLouvre,theInvalides, Parisgates, thePalace Royal,&c. Where have I, Mons.Boileau,arm’d myJulianwith a[56]thunderbolt? have I any thing equal to yourviro immortali,to yourdivo Ludivico?Why then am I such aninfamous flatterer, such a sneaking cringing rascal? I have nothing comparable to your fustian bombast, nor to the hyperboles ofPelisson,nor the impertinent titles of everyFrenchmanthat sets pen to paper. I leave the world to judge, if my hero has not a juster claim to all the eulogies I have given him, ten thousand times preferable toLoüis le Grand,and yet you have said ten thousand times more of him.
Just as I was dispatching this, a mail came in fromSpain,that gave us an account of the king ofFrance’s having extended his dominions over the plate-fleet; but whilst he was drinkingChateau-Renault’s health, some two or three merryEnglishboys run away with it all; which has givenLoüisand his grandson such a fit of the cholick, that they are not expected to live long under such terrible agonies: whereupon the Devil has order’d a thousand chaldron of fresh brimstone to air their apartments against they should come.
CharmingDilliana,
ISHALL not blush to own I have been in love, since the wisest men that ever were yet, have found their philosophy too weak to prevent the tyranny of the blind boy. However, though they were sensible of the powers of beauty, yet they were all ignorant of its cause. The painter that first drewCupidwith a fillet over his eyes, did not mean that he was blind; but that it was impossible to express their various motions: sometimes eager desire adds new darts to their sparkling rages: sometimes chilling fear in a minute overcasts their glittering beams; joy drowns ’em in an unusual moisture, and irresolution gives ’em a gentle trembling despair, sinks ’em into their orbits: jealousy re-ascends the expiring flame: and one kind look from the person we adore, sweetly sooths ’em up again; and it is easy to remark from their sudden composedness the new calm and tranquillity of the mind. We may say as much of love as of beauty, we all knew there is sucha thing, but none of us can tell what it is; ’tis not youth alone that is expos’d to the fatal tempest of this raging passion: age itself has yielded to its attacks; and we have seen some look gaily in their love, tho’ they were stepping into their graves. It laughs at the most ambitious man, and makes a monarch turn vassal to his own subjects: it makes the miser lavish of his ador’d dust and the hoarded ore profusely scatter’d at his charmer’s feet: nay, the poets themselves did not feignCupidso extravagant, as many philosophers felt him: however, love is the great springhead from whence all our felicities flow; and our condition would be worse than that of the very beasts, if it were exempted from this darling passion: yet it is as true too, that there is nothing upon the earth so enormous and detestable, but love has been the occasion of it at one time or other. That glorious emanation of divinity, the breath of life which gave us the similitude of our Creator, is often stifled by this raging passion, reason revolts, and joining partly with love, proves our ruin, by justifying a thousand absurdities: and there is no misery to which mankind may be said to be subject to, that is not caused by love. There would be no sorrow, no fear, no desire, no despair, no jealousy, no hatred, if there were no love. The soul becomes a restless sea whose tumultuous waves are continually foaming, every sense is an inlet to this violent passion: and there are but few objects which can affect the soul, that do not give it birth: as heat produces some things and destroys others, so love, not unlike it, is the origin of good and evil. It may be call’d the school of honour and virtue; and yet not improperly a theatre of horror and confusion too.
’Tis the powerful and pleasing band of human society; without it there would be no families, no kingdoms; and yet we read of anAlexanderthat sacrific’d a whole city to a smile of a mistress.Anthonydisputed the world withCæsar, yet chose rather to lose it than be absent fromCleopatra’s arms.Davidforgot the august character of a man after God’s own heart, and though so famous for prowess as well as piety, basely murther’d the injur’dUriah, the more freely to enjoy the lovely adulteress. CharmingSempronia, the fire is pure in itself, ’tis the matter only that sends up all those offensive clouds ofsmoak; and if nature were not depraved, love would not cause these disorders: ’twou’d not mix poyson with wine to destroy a rival, and thro’ a sea of blood and tears wade to its object. Love is the most formidable enemy a wise man can have, and is the only passion against which he has no defence. If anger surprise him, it lasts not long, and the same minute concludes it as commenc’d it: If by a slower fire his choler boils, he prevents its running over; but love steals so secretly, and so sweetly withal; into every corner of our hearts, into every faculty of the soul, that it is absolutely master before we can perceive it. When once we discover it, we are quite undone: at the same time he triumphs over our wisdom, and our reason too, and makes them both his vassals to maintain his tyranny: what else could mean those numerous follies of the adulterous gods descending in viler forms to commit their rapes?——
The first wound that beauty makes is almost insensible, and though the deadly poison spreads through every part; we hardly suspect we are in danger. At first indeed we are only pleas’d with seeing the person or talking of ’em, affecting an humble complaisance for all they say, or do, the very thinking on them is charming; and the desires we have as yet, are so far from impetuosity, that no philosopher could be so rigid as to condemn us.
Hitherto ’tis well, but ’tis hardly love, for that like a bee, forfeits its name if it has no sting. But alas! the lurking fire quickly bursts out, and that pleasing idea which represented itself so sweetly and so respectfully to the soul one moment before, now insolently obtrudes upon our most serious thoughts, and makes us impious even at the horns of the altar; she perfidiously betrays us in our very sleep itself, sometimes appearing haughty and scornfully, sometimes yielding and kind; and this too when there is no reason for either. The infant-passion is now become a cruel father of all other passions; cruel indeed, for he has no sooner given birth to one, but he stifles it to introduce another; whose short-liv’d fate is just the same, and destroy’d the next moment it is born.
Hope and despair, joy and sorrow, courage and fear, continually succeed each other; anger, jealousy, and revenge, distract the mind; and all these mingled, their fury is like a storm blowing from every corner of the heavens: then the lover, like the ocean, agitated by such boisterous winds, he foams and roars, the swelling waves of his boiling appetite dash each other to pieces, the foggy clouds of melancholy and disappointment intercept the glittering rays of reason’s sun; the rattling thunder of jealous rage breaks thro’ his trembling sphere, when his understanding returns but for a moment, ’tis like darted lightning piercing thro’ the obscure of violent passions, and shews nature in every lover a confusion almost equal to her original chaos.
Whoever was really in love (charming Sempronia) will readily confess the allegory to be just. Tho’ nothing has surprised me more in affairs of this nature than that most men who have been sensible of this passion do not care to own it, when once their more indulgent fate has put a period to it; as if it were a calling their judgment in question to believe they thought a woman handsom. Your eyes justify our adoration, and will ever constitute the felicity of
Corn. Gallus.
Confound you for a monumental Sluggard,
IHAVE been dead and damn’d these seven years, and left your talkative bulkiness behind me as the only fit person in the town to succeed me in blustring bravadoes and non-killing skirmishes; and you like a lazy hulk, whose stupendious magnitude is full big enough to load an elephant with lubberliness, to sot away your time inMongo’s fumitory, among a parcel of old smoak-dry’d cadators, and not so much since my departure, as cut a link-boy over the pate, pink a hackney-coachman, or draw your sword upon a cripple, to fill the town with new rumours of your wonted bravery, and make the callow students of the wrangling society wag their unfledg’d chins over their pennyworths ofNinny Broth? adds fleshly-wounds, in what sheeps-head ordinary have you chew’d away the meridian altitude of your tygerantick stomach? and where squander’d away the tiresom minutes of your evening-leisure,over seal’dWinchestersof three-penny guzzle: that in all this time you have never exerted your hectorian talent, but keep your reputation mustying upon an old foundation, which is ready to sink, for want of being repair’d by some new notable atchievements.
Do you think the obsolete renown of cutting off a knight’s thumb in a duel, and keeping on’t in your pocket three weeks for a tobacco-stopper; lying with theFrenchking in your travels, and kicking him out of bed for farting in his sleep; answering the challenge of a life-guardman for tearing a hole in his stocking with the chape of your sword when his jack-boots were on; gone where honour calls, behindSouthamptonwalls: return by five, if alive,Hen. W——n. disarming three highwaymen upon the road with two-pence half-penny in your pocket, and letting them go upon their parole of honour; wearing a wig for ten years together without losing the curl or combing out one hair; taking a tyger by the tooth; and theGrand seigniorby his whiskers; bearing an ensign in a mimick fight upon your atlantick shoulders; knocking a shiting porter down, when you were drunk, backwards into his own sir-reverence; your duel withJohannes in nubibus, in behalf of a lady you never set eyes on; your eating five shillings-worth of meat at a nine-penny ordinary, and at last treated by the man of the house to have no more of your custom; do you think these, or a hundred like antiquated exploits are sufficient to maintain the character of a stanch bully without new enterprizes? no, an old reputation is like an old house, which if not repaired often, must quickly fall of necessity to decay and will at last, by little, for want of new application, be totally obliterated.
Therefore, if ever you intend to be my rival in glory, you must fright a bailiff once a day, stand kick and cuff once a week, challenge some coward or other once a month, bilk your lodging once a quarter, and cheat a taylor once a year, crow over every coxcomb you meet with, and be sure you kick every jilt you bully into an open-legg’d submission and a compliance of treating you; never till then will the fame ofW——nring likeDawson’s in every coffee-house, or be the merry subject of every tavern tittle-tattle.
To let you know I am not like a cock or a bull-dog to lose my courage when I change my climate, I shall proceed to give you a very modest account of some of my bold undertakings in these diabolical confines, these damn’d dusky unsavory grottos, where altho’ there are whole rivers of brimstone for the convenient dipping of card-matches, yet if a man would give one ounce of immortality for so much of a rush-candle, ’tis as hard to be purchas’d upon the faith of a christian, as if you were to buy honey of a bear, or a stallion of a lascivious duchess, that wants frication more than she does money; so that at my first entrance into this damn’d dark cavern, I stagger’d about by guess, like some drunken son of a whore tumbled into aNewcastlecole-pit; and finding myself in this ugly condition, I could not forbear breathing a few curses out upon the place, which, by the lord of the territories, were thrown away as much in vain, as if I had carried lice toNewgate, or wish’d the people mad inBedlam: as I thus blunder’d about like a beetle in a hollow tree, I happen’d to break my shins against a confounded poker, upon which I made a damnable swearing for a light, that I might see whereabouts I was, but to no purpose; I found I might as well have call’d uponJupiterto have lent me his hand to have dragg’d me out ofPluto’s dominions. This sort of stumbling entertainment so provok’d my patience, that tho’ I knew I was under the devil’s jurisdiction, yet I could not tell, but like a debtor in a prison, or bully in a bawdy-house, I might fare the better for mutinying, so that I discharg’d such a volley of new-coin’d oaths, and made such damn’d roaring and raving, that the devils began to fear I should put hell in an uproar; upon this a couple of tatterdemalion hobgobblings, that look’d like a brace of scare-crows just flown out of a pease-field, seiz’d me by the shoulders and run me into the bilboes; confound you, said I, for a couple of hell-cats, what’s this for? For, crys one of the grim potentates, as saucily as a reforming constable, for your tumultuous noisy behaviour, why sure, you don’t think you are got into a bear-garden. Wounds, quoth I, thou talk’st as if the devil kept a conventicle; why hell at this rate is worse than a parliament-house, if a man mayn’t have the liberty of speech, especially when ’tis to redress his grievances.
Just as we were thus parlying, who should come by, butBob Weden, jabbering to him self like a jack-daw in a cherry-tree that had lost his mate, I knew him by his hoarse voice, which sounded like the lowest note of a double courtel: who’s there,Bob, said I? Captain, says he, I am heartily glad to see you; yes, yes, I am that very drone of a bag-pipe, you may know me by my hum; I have got myquietusat last, and I thank my stars, by the help of rum and hot weather, have bilk’d all myEnglishcreditors. Why where the devil, said I, did you die then, that you give your creditors, the epithet ofEnglish? just over our head, says he, in that damn’d countryBarbadoes, where my brains us’d to boil by the heat of the sun like a hasty-pudding in a sauce-pan; have been in a sweat ever since above seven months before I died; all the while I liv’d in that damn’d treacly colony, I fancied myself to be just like a live grig toss’d into a frying-pan; and now death, pox on him for a raw-head and bloody-bones, has toss’d me out of the frying-pan into the fire. Indeed,Bob, said I, I could wish myself in an ice-house heartily, for I have been in a kind of hectic fever ever since my admittance. Zounds, says he, ’tis so hot there’s no enduring on’t; its a country fit for nothing but a salamander to live in; ifAbednego’s oven had been but half so hot, if any of them had come out without singing their garments, I’d have forsworn brandy to all eternity. Well but, prithee captain, how came your pedestals to be in this jeopardy? I told him the truth tho’ I was in a damn’d lying country, only for cursing and swearing a little. Oh! says he, you must have a great care of that for here are a parcel of whiggish devils lately climb’d into authority, who tho’ they were the forwardest of all the infernal host, in the rebellion against heaven, yet of late they pretend to such demurity as to form a society for theRegulation of Manners, tho’ themselves are a parcel of the wickedest spirits in all hell’s dominions; but however, have a little patience, I have a justice of peace hard by of my acquaintance, who tho’ he be one of their kidney as to matter of religion, yet I know he’ll be as drunk with burn’d brandy as a sow with hogwash; will bugger aSuccubuswhen his lust’s predominant; and as for cursing and swearing, he’s more expert at it than a losinggamester, and if I meet him in a merry humour, I don’t doubt but to prevail.
ThusBobleft me for a few moments, and indeed had we been in a brandy-shop where we had had any thing to have paid, I should have much question’d his return; but being in a strange country, where friends are always glad to meet one another, and being free from the predicament of a reckoning, I had some hopes of his being as good as his word, which in the other world all his acquaintance knew as well as my self, he was never over careful to preserve.
During his absence, I had little else to do but to curse the country, and scratch my ears for want of liberty, which were terrified with the buzzing of a parcel of fanatical souls, who swarm’d as thick as bees at aHampshire-farmers, some damning of doctorB——ges, others confounding ofTimothy Cr—soe, some raving againstMe—dofStepney, others cursing ofSalters-Hall, &c. as if the ready road to hell was to travel throughPresbytery.
By this time my friendBobwas as good as his word, which was the first time I ever knew him so. Well, says he, you may see I am as sure as aRobin, I have got your discharge; but the justice swears, had you been confin’d for any thing besides whoring, drinking, and swearing, you should have been shackled and been damn’d before he’d ever have releas’d you; but however here’s a littleScribere cum dashowill set you at liberty; upon which we call’d the constable of the ward, who, upon sight of the discharge, freed my supporters from confinement, which was no sooner done, but with a reciprocal joy for my happy deliverance, we began a ramble together thro’ all the neighbouring avenues, in hopes to meet with something that might give us a little diversion; we had not travelled above an hundred yards, but who should we meet but the old snarling rogue that us’d to crypoor Jack, with his wife after him; he no sooner espy’d us, but attack’d us open-mouth’d after the following manner,Two sharpers without one penny of money in their pockets; a couple of bullies, and both cowards, ha, ha. Now for a fool with a full pocket, a good dinner on free-cost, a whore and a tavern, a belly-full of wine without paying for’t, ha, ha, ha, a hackney-coach for a bilk, or a brass-shilling, a long sword,never a shirt, White-Fryarsi’th’ day time, a garret at night, ha, ha, ha, ha. Thus the old rascal run upon us as we pass’d by him, that we were both as glad when we were out of his reach, as a hen-peck’d cuckold that has shunn’d the hisses of that serpent he hugs every night in his bosom.
We had not gone twenty yards farther, scarce out of the reach of the noisy tongue of this railing peripatetick, but we metBowmanthat kept theDog-taverninDrury-lane, whose first salutation was,Pox take you both for a couple of shammocking rascals, if it had not been for you and such others of your company, I had been a living man to this day, for you broke my tavern and that broke my heart. When I went off, besides book-debts never paid, but cross’d out and forgiven, I had as much chalk scored up in my bar, upon your account, as would have whitened the flesh of twenty calves atRumford,or have cured half the town of the heart-burn, that never were satisfied to this day, and as certainly as you are both damn’d, I would arrest you here in theDevil’s name, but that ye know a foreign plea, or the statute of limitation are pleadable in defiance of me; and that whore my wife too, that used to open her sluice and let in an inundation of shabroons to gratify her concupiscence, she lent her helping buttock among ye to shove on my ruin; but if ever I catch the strumpet in these territories, I’ll sear up the bung-hole of her filthy firkin, but I’ll reward her for her bitching.Confound you, criesBob,for a cuckoldy cydermonger; do not you know damnation pays every man’s scores, and tho’ we tick’d in the other world for subsistence, it was not with a design to cheat you or any body else, for we knew we should have the Devil to pay one time or other, and now you see, like honest men, we have pawned our souls for the whole reckoning, and so a fart for our creditors; you see we had rather be damn’d than not to make general satisfaction, and yet you are not satisfied. Why a man at this rate had better live inNewgateto eternity, than be thus plagued with creditors after his arse, to put him in mind of old scores wherever he travels; besides, ’tis against the law of humanity, for a man to be dunn’d for a domestick debt in a foreign country. Well, gentlemen, says he,I find you have not forgot your old principles; and sogood by to ye. And thus, asold Nicwould have it, we got rid of our second plague.
As we went from thence, turning down into a steep narrow lane, irregularly pav’d with rugged flints, like the bottom of a mountain inNorth-Wales, a damn’d greasy great fellow, with his hair thrust under a dirty night-cap, in a dimity-wastcoat and buff-breeches, with a hugh bucks-horn-handle-knife hanging by a silver-chain at his apron-strings, came puffing and blowing up the hill against us, like acrampusbefore a storm, sweating as if he had been doing the drudgery ofSisyphus, and coming near us he makes a halt, and looking me full in my face, gives a mannerly bow, and cries,Your servant noble captain: Friend, said I,I don’t know thee. Ah! master, said he,time was, when you condescended to eat many a sop in the pan in my poor kitchin; I kept the sign of the gridiron inWaterlanefor many years together, but have been damn’d, the lord help me, above these nine months, for only cozening my customers with slink veal. I told him I was sorry for his condition, and hop’d I did not owe him any thing:No, worthy master, says he,not a farthing, for you never had more at a meal than a half-penny rowl, and I always, because you were a gentleman, allow’d you the benefit of my dripping-pan, and every time you came, you paid me for my bread very honestly. I did not much approve of the rogue’s memory, so bid him farewel: but my friendWeden, like a bantering dog, did so terrify my ears about my half-penny ordinary, that I had rather for the time been flung naked into a tuft of nettles.
As he was thus teazing me, who should we stumble upon but captainSwinnytheIrishman; you cannot but imagine a very joyful congratulation pass’d between us: who had been stanch friends, such old and intimate acquaintance. No sooner was our salutation over, but we began to enquire as we us’d to do upon earth, into one another’s circumstances: upon which, saysSwinny, By my soul and shalvation, I have got my good old lord here, that I us’d to procure and pimp for in t’other world; and as he gave me money upon earth to indulge him in his sins, and provide him whores to cool his lechery, now he’s damn’d for’t, like a grateful master, he allows me every day a dish of snapdragons to fetch him water fromStyx,to cool his entrails.I think, saysBob, you were always very careful of your lord’s health, and never brought any thing to his embraces but unpenetrated maids, or very sound thorn-backs.By chriesh and shaint Patrick, ’tis very true, says he,for I always made my self his taster for fear he should be poison’d, and first took a sip of the cup to try whether the juice was good or no; and tho’ he was as great a wencher as any was inEngland,I’ll take my swear, excepting the gout, he’s come as sound a nobleman into hell, as has took leave of the other world these fifty years, and was so very bobborous two days ago, tho’ he’s near seventy, that he bid me look out for soft-handed she-devil to give him a little frication, and said nothing vex’d him but that he was damn’d among a parcel of spirits, with whom he could have no carnal copulation: well, gentlemen, I must loiter no longer, I am travelling in haste toStyxto fill my lord’s bottle, but all won’t cool his lechery, tho’ he be turn’d a perfect aquapote so, my dear joys, farewel.
We had not parted with him as many minutes a man may beget his likeness in, but who should we meet butMumfordthe player, looking as pale as a ghost, falling forward as gently as a catterpillar cross a sicamore-leaf, gaping for a little air, like a sinner just come out of the powdering tub, crying out as he crept towards us,Oh my back! confound ’em for a pack of brimstones: Oh my back!how now, SirCourtly, said I, what the devil makes thee in this pickle? Oh,gentlemen, says he, I am glad to see you, but I am troubled with such a weakness in my back, that it makes me bend like a superannuated fornicator: some strain, said I, got in the other world with overheaving your self. What’s matter how ’twas got, says he, can you tell me any thing that’s good for’t? yes, said I, get a good warmGirdleand tie round you, ’tis an excellent corroboratick to strengthen the loins; pox on you, says he, for a bantering dog how can a single girdle do me good, when aBracewas my destruction? I think, said I, you did die a martyr for a pair of penetrable whiskers, fell a bleeding sacrifice to a cloven tuft, that was glad, I believe, of your going out of the other world, as oldNicwas of your coming into this, for I hear you kept the poor titmouse under such slavish subjection, that a peer of the realm, notwithstanding his honour, could not so much as come in to bebrother-starling with you. Nay, some say you put anItaliansecurity upon’t, purposely to indict any body for felony and burglary that should break open the lock. Pox confound you, says he, for a lyar, how can that be, when half the pit knows they had egress and regress when they pleas’d without any manner of obstruction? but tattling here won’t do my business, I must seek outNeedham,Lower, or some other famous physician that may give me ease; so gentlemen, adieu to ye.
We had not gone much farther, but at the corner of a dirty lane we found a wondrous throng of attentive scoundrels, serenaded by a couple of ballad-singers, who stood in the middle of the tatter’d audience, with their hands under their ears, singing,With a rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, in and out, in and out ho: who should come limping by just in the interim, but Mr.Drydenthe poet: there’s a delicious song for you, gentlemen, says he, there are luscious words wrapt up in clean linen for you; tho’ there is a very bawdy mystery in them, yet they are so intelligibly express’d, that a girl of ten years old may understand the meaning of them; my lordRochester’s songs are mine arse to it: well my dearLove for Love, thou deservest to be poet laureat, were it only for the composure of this seraphick ditty, ’tis enough to put musick into the tail of an old woman of fourscore, and make a girl of fourteen to be as knowing in her own thoughts, as her parents that got her; oh, ’tis a song of wonderful instruction, of incomparable modesty, considering its meaning. Who should come puffing into the crowd in abundance of haste, with a face as red as a new pantile, butNat Lee? Hark you,Nat, saysDryden, did you ever here such a feeling ballad in your life before? egad, the words steal so cunningly into ones veins, that nature will scarce be pacified till she has dropt some loose corns into one’s breeches. Foh, you old lecherous beast, saysNat Lee, here’s a song indeed for a poet-bays of your gravity to admire! I have heard twenty better underWhite-Fryarsgate-way. You’re a mad man, saysDryden, you never understood a song in your life, nor any thing else, but jumbling the gods about, as if they were so many tapsters in a lumber-house. I’ll sing you a song, saysLee, worth fifty on’t that I made when I was inBedlam, to be sung in my play, that hadfive and twenty acts in’t; now pray observe me, and your self shall be judge.