Ille nihil, nec me quærentem vana moratur;Sed graviter gemitus imo de pectore ducens.
Ille nihil, nec me quærentem vana moratur;Sed graviter gemitus imo de pectore ducens.
Ille nihil, nec me quærentem vana moratur;Sed graviter gemitus imo de pectore ducens.
Mr.Haines, says he,Pluto, to say no worse of him, is very ungrateful to the gentlemen of our faculty; and were he not a crown’d head, I would not stick to call him aPoltroon. I am sure no body of men cultivate his interest with more industry and success, than we physicians. What would his dominions be but a bare wilderness and solitude, if we did not daily take care to stock them with fresh colonies? This I can say for myself, that I did not let him lose one patient that fell into my hands; nay, rather than he should want customers, I practised upon myself. But after the received maxim of most princes, I find he loves the treason, and hates the traytor; so that no people are put to harder shifts in hell, than the sons ofGalen. Would you believe it, Mr.Haines, the immortal Dr.Willisis content to be a flayer of dead horses; the famousHarveyis turn’d higgler, and you may see him ride every morning to market upon a pannier of eggs;Mayernis glad to be pimp to noblemen’svalets de chambre; oldGlissonsells vinegar upon a lean scraggy tit;Moretonis return’d to his occupation, and preaches in a little conventicle you can hardly swing a cat round in;Lowersells penny prayer-books all the week, and curls anAmenin a meeting-house on sundays;Needham, in conjunction with Capt.Dawson, is bully to aBordello; and the celebratedSydenhamempties close-stools. Asfor myself, I am sometimes a small retainer to a billiard-table; and sometimes, when the matter on’t is sick, earn a penny by a whimsy-board. I lie with a link-man upon a flock-bed in a garret, and have not seen a clean shirt upon my back since I came into this cursed country. By my troth, said I, I am sorry to hear matters go so scurvily with you; but pluck up a good heart, for when the times are at worst they must certainly mend. But, pray doctor, before you go any farther, satisfy me what church you dy’d a member of, for we had the devil and all to do about you when you were gone. The parson of St.Giles’s stood out stifly that you dy’d a sound Protestant, but all your countrymen swore thou didst troop off like a good Catholick. Why reallyJo.cry’d the doctor, to deal plainly with you, I don’t know well what religion I dy’d in; but if I dy’d in any, as physicians you know seldom do, it was, as I take it, that of the Church ofEngland. I remember, indeed, when I grew light-headed, and the bed, room, and every thing began to turn round with me, that a forster-brother of mine, anIrishPriest, offer’d me the civility ofExtreme Unction, and I that knew I had a long journey to go, thought it would not be amiss to have my boots well liquor’d before-hand, tho’ ofter all, for any good it did me, he might as well have rubb’d my posteriors with a brick-bat. This is all I remember of the matter; but what signifies it to the business we are talking of? In short,Jo.if thou could’st put me in a way to live, I should be exceedingly beholden to thee. Doctor, cry’d I, if you will come to me a week hence, something may be done; for I intend to build me a stage in one of the largestPiazzasof this city, take me a fine house, and set up my old trade of fortune-telling; and as I shall have occasion now and then for some understrapper to draw teeth for me, or to be my toad-eater upon the stage, if you will accept of so mean an employment, besides my old cloaths, which will be something, I’ll give you meat, drink, washing, and lodging, and four marksper annum.
I am sensible, gentlemen, that I have tried your patience with a long tedious letter, but not knowing when I should find so convenient an opportunity to send another, I resolved to give you a full account in this, of allthe memorable things that fell within the compass of my observation, during my short residence in this country. At present, thanks to my kind stars, I live very comfortably; I keep my brace of geldings, and half a dozen servants; my house is as well furnish’d as most in this populous city; and to tell you what prodigious number of persons of all ages, sexes and conditions flock daily to me, to have their fortunes told, ’twould hardly find belief with you. If the celestial phenomena’s deceive me not, and there is any truth in the conjunction ofMercuryandLuna, I shall in a short time rout all the pretenders toAstrology, who combine to ruin my reputation and practice, but without effect; for this opposition has rather increased my friends at court than lessen’d them. I am promised to bemaître des langues, to the young prince of Acheron, (so we call the heir apparent to these subterranean dominions) andProserpine’s camariera majorassured me t’other morning, I should have the honour of teaching the beautiful princessFuscamarilla, his sister, to dance. Once more, gentlemen, I beg your excuse for this prolix epistle, and hoping you will order one of your fraternity to send me the news of your upper world, I remain,
Your most obliged,and most obedient Servant,
Jo. Haines.
Dec. 21.1701.
An Answer to Mr.Joseph Haines, High-GermanAstrologer, at the sign of theUrinalandCassiopea’s Chair,inBrandinopolis,uponPhlegethon.By Mr.Brown.
An Answer to Mr.Joseph Haines, High-GermanAstrologer, at the sign of theUrinalandCassiopea’s Chair,inBrandinopolis,uponPhlegethon.By Mr.Brown.
Worthy Sir,
WE received your letter, datedDec. 21. 1701.and read it yesterday in a full assembly atWill’s. The whole company lik’d it exceedingly, and return you their thanks for the ample and satisfactory account you have given them ofPluto’s dominions, from which we havehad little or no news, however it has happened, since the famousDon Quevedohad the curiosity to travel thither.
Whereas you desire us, by way of exchange, to furnish you with some of the most memorable transactions that have lately fallen out in this part of the globe; we willingly comply with your proposal, and are proud of any opportunity to shew Mr.Haineshow much we respect and value him.
Imprimis,Will’s coffee-house, Mr.Haines, is much in the same condition, as when you left it; and as a worthy gentleman has lately distributed them into their proper classes, we have four sorts of persons that resort hither; first, Such as are beaux and no wits, and these are easy to be known by their full periwigs and empty sculls; secondly, Such as are wits and no beaux, and these, not to talk of their out-sides, are distinguish’d by censuring the ill taste of the age, and railing at one another; thirdly, Such as are neither wits nor beaux, I mean your grave plodding politicians that come to us every night piping hot from the parliament-house, and finish treaties that were never thought of, and end wars before they are begun; and fourthly, Such as are both wits and beaux, to whose persons, as well as merits, you can be no stranger.
In the next place, the Playhouse stands exactly where it did. Mr.Richfinds some trouble in managing his mutinous subjects, but ’tis no more than what princes must expect to find in a mixt monarchy, as we take the Playhouse to be. The actors jog on after the old merry rate, and the women drink and intrigue. Mr.ClinchofBarnet, with his pack of dogs and organ, comes now and then to their relief; and your friend Mr.Jevonwould hang himself, to see how much the famous Mr.Harveyexceeds him in the ladder-dance.
We have had an inundation of plays lately, and one of them, by a great miracle, made shift to hold out a full fortnight. The generality are either troubled with convulsion-fits, and die the first day of the representation, or by meer dint of acting, hold out to the third; which is like a consumptive man’s living by cordials, or else die a violent death, and are interr’d with the solemnity of catcalls. A merry virtuoso, who makes one of the congregationde propagando ingenio, designs to publish a weeklybill for the use of the two theatres, in imitation of that published by the parish clerks, and faithfully to set down what distemper every new play dies of.
If the author of a play strains hard for wit, and it drivels drop by drop from him, he says it is troubled with a strangury. If it is vicious in the design and performance, and dull throughout, he intends to give it out in his bill, that it died by a knock in the cradle; if it miscarries for want of fine scenes, and due acting, why then he says, ’tis starv’d at nurse; if it expires the first or second day he reckons it among the abortive; and lastly, if it is damn’d for the feebleness of its satire, he says it dies in breeding of teeth.
As ourwit, generally speaking is debauch’d, so our wine, the parent of it, is sophisticated all over thetown; and as we never had moreplaysin thetwo houses, and more wine in city than at present, so we were never encumber’d with worse of the two sorts than now. As for the latter, we sell that for claret which has not a drop of the juice of the grape in it, but is downright cyder. The corporation does not stop short here, but our cyder, instead of apples, is made of turnips. Who knows where the cheat will conclude? perhaps the next generation will debauch our very turnips.
’Tis well, Mr.Haines, you dy’d when you did, for that unhappy place, where you have so often exerted your talent, I meanSmithfield, has fallen under the city magistrate’s displeasure; so that now St.Georgeand theDragon, theTrojanhorse, andBateman’s ghost, theProdigal Son, andJeptha’sDaughter: In short, all the drolls of glorious memory, are routed, defeated, and sent to grass, without any hopes of a reprieve.
Next toplays, we have been over-run, in these times of publick ferment and distraction, with certain wicked things, calledpamphlets; and some scriblers that shall be nameless, have writproandconupon the same subject, at least six times since last spring.
Both nations are atbay, and like twobull-dogssnarl at one another, yet have not thought fit, as yet, to come to actual blows. What the event will be, we cannot prophesy at this distance, but every little corporation in the kingdom has laidLewis le Grandupon his back, and asgood as call’d him perjur’d knave and villain. However, ’tis the hardest case in the world if we miscarry; ourGrub-streetpamphleteers advise the shires and boroughs what sort of members to chuse; the shires and boroughs advise their representatives what course to steer in parliament; and the senators, no doubt on’t, will advise his majesty what ministers to rely on, and how to behave himself in this present conjuncture. Thus, advice, you see, like malt-tickets, circulates plentifully about the kingdom; so that if we fail in our designs, after all, the wicked can never say, ’twas for want of advice. We forgot to tell you, Mr.Haines, that since you left this upper world, your life has been written by a brother-player, who pretends he received all hismemoirsfrom your own mouth, a little before you made a leap into the dark; and really you are beholden to the fellow, for he makes you a master of arts at the university, tho’ you never took a degree there. That, and a thousand stories of other people he has father’d upon you, and the truth on’t is, the adventures of thy life, if truly set down, are so romantick, that few besides thy acquaintance would be able to distinguish between the history and the fable. But let not this disturb the serenity of your soul, Mr.Haines, for after this rate the lives of all illustrious persons, whether ancient or modern, have been written. This, Mr.Haines, is all we have to communicate to you at present, so we conclude, with subscribing ourselves,
Your most humble Servants,
Sebastian Freeman,Registrarius, Nomine Societatis.
FromWill’s inCovent-Garden,Jan. 10. 1701.
ALL the conversation of this lower world, at present, runs upon you; and the devil a word we can hear in any of our coffee-houses, but what hisGallicMajesty is more or less concern’d in. ’Tis agreed on by all ourVirtuosos, that since the days ofDioclesian, no prince has been so great a benefactor to hell as your self; and as much a matter of eloquence as I was once thought to be atParis, I want words to tell you, how much you are commended here for so heroically trampling under foot the treaty ofReswick, and opening a new scene of war in your greatclimateric, at which age most of the princes before you were such recreants, as to think of making up their scores with heaven, and leaving their neighbours in peace. But you, they say, are above such sordid precedents, and rather thanPlutoshould want men to people his dominions, are willing to spare him half a million of your own subjects, and that at a juncture too, when you are not overstock’d with them.
This has gain’d you an universal applause in these regions; the threeFuriessing your praises in every street;Bellonaswears there’s never a prince inChristendomworth hanging besides your self; andCharonbustles for you in all companies: he desir’d me, about a week ago, to present his most humble respects to you; adding, that if it had not been for your majesty, he, with his wife and children, must long ago been quarter’d upon the parish; for which reason he duly drinks your health every morning in a cup of coldStyxnext his conscience.
Indeed I have a double title to write to you, in the first place, as one of your dutiful, tho’ unworthy, subjects, who formerly tasted of your liberality; and secondly, as you have done me the honour to take away my late wife, not only into your private embraces, but private councils. Poor soul! I little thought she would fall to your majesty’s share when I took my last farwel of her, or that a prince that had his choice of so many thousands, would accept of my sorry leavings. And therefore, I must confess, I am apt to be a little vain, as often as I reflect, that the greatest monarch in the universe and I are brother-stallions, and that the eldest son of the church, and the littleScarronhave fish’d in the same hole. Some sawcy fellows have had the impudence to tell me to my face, that MadamMaintenon(for so, out of respect to your majesty, I must call her) is your lawful wife, and that you were clandestinely marry’d to her. I took them up roundly, as they deserv’d, and told them, I was sure it was a damn’d lie; for, said I to them, if my master was marry’d to her, as you pretend, she had broke his heart long ago, as well as she did mine; from whence I positively concluded, that she might be your mistress, but was none of your wife.
Last week, as I was sitting with some of my acquaintance in a publick-house, after a great deal of impertinent chat about the affairs of theMilanese, and the intended siege ofMantua, the whole company fell a talking of your majesty, and what glorious exploits you had perform’d in your time. Why, gentlemen, says an ill-look’d rascal, who prov’d to beHerostratus, forPluto’s sake let not the grand monarch run away with all your praises. I have done something memorable in my time too; ’twas I, who out of theGaiete de Cœur, and to perpetuate my name, fir’d the famous temple of theEphesian Diana, and in two hours consumed that magnificent structure which was two hundred years a building: therefore, gentlemen, lavish not away all your praises, I beseech you, upon one man, but allow others their share. Why, thou diminutive inconsiderable wretch said I, in a great passion to him, thou worthless idlelogger head, thoupigmyin sin, thouTom Thumbin iniquity, how dares such a puny insect as thou art, have the impudence to enter the lists withLewis le Grand? thou valuest thy self upon firing a church, but how? when the mistress of the house, who was a midwife by profession, was gone out to assistOlympias, and deliver’d her ofAlexanderthe Great. ’Tis plain, thou hadst not the courage to do it when the goddess was present, and upon the spot; but what is this to what my royal master can boast of, that had destroyed a hundred and a hundred such foolish fabricks in his time, and bravely ordered them to be bombarded, when he knew the very God that made and redeemed him had taken up hisQuartersin ’em. Therefore turn out of the room, like a paltry insignificant villain as thou art, or I’ll pick thy carcass for thee.
He had no sooner made hisexit, but cries an odd sort of a spark, with his hat button’d up before, like a country scraper, under favour, Sir, what do you think of me? Why, who are you? reply’d I to him, Who am I, answer’d he, WhyNero, the sixth emperor ofRome, that murder’d my—— Come, said I to him, to stop your prating, I know your history as well as yourself, thatmurder’d your mother, kick’d your wife down stairs, dispatch’d two Apostles out of the world, begun the first persecution against the christians, and, lastly, put your masterSenecato death. As for the murder of your mother, I confess it shew’d you had some taste of wickedness, and may pass for a tolerable piece of gallantry; but prithee, what a mighty matter was it to send your wife packing with a good kick in the guts, when once she grew nauseous and sawcy; ’tis no more than what a thousand tinkers and foot-soldiers have done before you: or to put the penal laws in execution against a brace of hot-headed bigots, and their besotted followers, that must needs come and preach up a new religion atRome: or, in fine, to take away a haughty, ungrateful pedant’s life, who conspir’d to take away your’s; altho’ I know those worthy gentlemen, the school-masters, make a horrid rout about it in their nonsensical declamations? Whereas his mostChristian Majesty, whose advocate I am resolved to be against all opposers whatever, has bravely and generously starv’d a million of poorHugonotsat home, and sent t’other million of them a grasing into foreign countries, contrary to solemn edicts, and repeated promises, for no other provocation, that I know of, but because they were such coxcombs, as to place him upon the throne. In short, friendNero, thou may’st pass for a rogue of the third or fourth class; but be advised by a stranger, and never shew thyself such a fool as to dispute the pre-eminence withLewis le Grand, who has murder’d more men in his reign, let me tell thee, than thou hast murder’d tunes, for all thou art the vilest thrummer upon cat-gut the sun ever beheld. However, to give the Devil his due, I will say it before thy face, and behind thy back, that if thou had’st reign’d as many years as my gracious master has done, and had’st had, instead ofTigellinus, aJesuitor two to have govern’d thy conscience, thou mightest, in all probability, have made a much more magnificent figure, and been inferior to none but the mighty monarch I have been talking of.
Having put myRomanemperor to silence, I look’d about me, and saw a pack of grammarians (for so I guessed them to be by their impertinence and noise) disputing it very fiercely at the next table; the matter in debate was, which was the most heroical age; and one of them, who valu’d himself very much upon his reading, maintain’d, that the heroical age, properly so call’d, began with theTheban, and ended with theTrojanwar, in which compass of time, that glorious constellation of heroes,Hercules,Jason,Theseus,Tidæus, withAgamemnon,Ajax,Achilles,Hector,Troilus, andDiomedesflourished: men that had all signaliz’d themselves by their personal gallantry, and valour. His next neighbour argued very fiercely for the age whereinAlexanderfounded theGrecianmonarchy, and saw so many noble generals and commanders about him. The third was as obstreperous for that ofJulius Cæsar, and manag’d his argument with so much heat, that I expected every minute when these puppies wou’d have gone to loggerheads in good earnest. To put an end to your controversy, gentlemen, says I to them, you may talk till your lungs are founder’d, but this I positively assert, that the present age we live in is the most heroical age, and that my master,Lewis le Grandis the greatest hero of it. Hark you me, Sir, how do you make that appear, cry’d the whole pack of them, opening upon me all at once: by your leave, gentlemen, answer’d I, two to one is odds at foot-ball; but having a hero’s cause to defend, I find myself possess’d with a hero’s vigour and resolution, and don’t doubt but I shall bring you over to my party. That age therefore is the most heroical which is the boldest and bravest; the antients, I grant you, whor’d and got drunk, and cut throats as well as we do; but, gentlemen, they did not sin upon the same foot as we, nor had so many wicked discouragements to deter them; we whore when we know ’tis ten to one but we get a clap for our pains; whereas our fore-fathers, before the siege ofNaples, had no such blessing to apprehend; we drink and murther one another in cold blood, at the same time we believe that we must be rewarded with damnation; but your old hero’s had no notion at all, or at least an imperfect one of a future state: so ’tis a plain case, you see, that the heroism lies on our side. To apply this then to my royal master; he has fill’d all Christendom with blood and confusion; he has broke thro’ the most solemn treaties sworn at the altar; he has stray’d and undone infinitenumbers of poor wretches; and all this for his own glory and ambition, when he’s assured that hell gapes every moment for him: now tell me, whether yourJasons, yourAgamemnons, orAlexanders, durst have ventur’d so heroically; or whether your pitiful emperors ofGermany, your mechanick kings ofEnglandandSweden, or your lousy States ofHolland, have courage enough to write after so illustrous a copy.
Thus, Sir, you may see with what zeal I appear in your majesty’s behalf, and that I omit no opportunity of magnifying your great exploits to the utmost of my poor abilities. At the same time I must freely own to you, that I have met with some rough-hewn sawcy rascals, that have stopp’d me in my full career, when I have been expatiating upon your praises, and have so dumbfounded me with their villainous objections, that I could not tell how to reply to them.
Some few days ago it was my fortune to affirm, in a full assembly, that since the days ofCharlemagne,Francewas never bless’d with so renown’d, so victorious, and so puissant a prince as your majesty. You lame, gouty coxcomb, says a sawcy butter-box of aDutchmanto me, don’t give yourself these airs in our company;Lewis, the greatest prince thatFranceever had! Why, I tell thee, he has no more title to that crown, than I have to theGreat Mogul’s; andLewisthe thirteenth was no more his father than the Pope ofRomeis thine. I bless’d myself to hear the fellow deliver this with so serious a mien, when a countryman of his taking up the cudgels; ’Tis true, says he, your mighty monarch has no right to the throne he possesses; the late king had no hand in the begetting of him, but a lusty proper young fellow, onele Grandby name, and an Apothecary by profession, was employ’d by cardinalMazarine, who had prepar’d the queen’s conscience for the taking of such a dose, to strike an heir forFranceout of her majesty’s body; by the same token that this scarlet agent of hell, got him fairly poison’d as soon as he had done the work, for fear of telling tales. If you ever readVirgil’s life written byDonatus, cries a third to me, you’ll find thatAugustushaving rewarded that famous poet for some little services done him, with a parcel of loaves, had the curiosity once to enquire of him who he thought was his father? to which question of the emperor,Virgilfairly answer’d, that he believ’d him to be a Baker’s son, because he still paid him in a Baker’s manufacture,viz.bread. And thus, were there no other proofs to confirm it, yet any one would swear thatLewis le Grandis an Apothecary’s son, because he has acted all his life-time the part of an Apothecary.
Imprimis, He has given so many strong purges to his own kingdom, that he has empty’d it of half its people and money.Item, He apply’d costives toGenoaandBrussels, when he bombarded both those cities.Item, He gave a damn’d clyster to theHollanderswith a witness, when he fell upon the rear of their provinces, in the year 72.Item, He lull’d kingCharlesthe second asleep with female opiates.Item, He forced PopeInnocentthe eleventh, to swallow the unpalatable draught of theFranchises.Item, He administrated a restorative cordial toMahumetanisme, when he enter’d into an alliance with theGrand Turkagainst the emperor.Item, He would have bubbled the prince ofOrangewith the gilded pill of sovereignty, but his little cousin was wiser than to take it. And lastly, If he had restor’d kingJamesto his crown again, he would have brought the people ofEnglanda most conscientious Apothecary’s bill for his waiting and attending. In short, shake this mighty monarch in a bag, turn him this way, and that way, and t’other way,sursum, deorsum, quaquaversum, I’ll engage you’ll find him nothing but a meer Apothecary; and I hope the emperor and king ofEnglandwill play the Apothecary too in their turn, and make him vomit up all those provinces and kingdoms he has so unrighteously usurp’d. PrinceEugeneofSavoyhas work’d him pretty well this last summer, and ’tis an infallible prognostic, that he’s reduced to the last extremities, when his spiritual physicians apply pigeons to the soles of his feet; I mean prayers and masses, and advise him to reconcile himself to that Heaven he has so often affronted with his most execrable perjuries.
’Tis impossible for me to tell your majesty, what a surprize I was in to hear this gracelessNetherlanderblaspheme your glorious name after this insufferable rate.But to see how one persecution treads upon the heels of another! I was hardly recover’d out of my astonishment, when a son of a whore of aGerman, advancing towards me, was pleas’d to explain himself as follows:
You keep a pother and noise here about your mighty monarch, says he to me, but what has this mighty monarch, and be damn’d to you, done to merit any body’s good word? I say, what one generous noble exploit has he been guilty of in his whole reign, as long as it is, to deserve so much incense and flattery, so many statues and triumphal arches, which a pack of mercenary, nauseous, fulsome slaves have bestow’d upon him? For my part, continues he, when I first heard his historians and poets, his priests and courtiers, talk such wonderful things of him, I fancy’d that anotherCyrusorAlexanderhad appeared upon the stage; but when I observed him more narrowly, and by a truer light, I found this immortal man, as his inscriptions vainly stile him, to be a little, tricking, pilferingFripon, that watch’d the critical minute of stealing towns, as nicely as your rogues of an inferior sphere do that of nimming cloaks; and tho’ he had the fairest opportunity of erecting a new western monarchy that ever any prince cou’d boast of, since the declension of theRomanempire; yet to his eternal disgrace be it said, no man could have made a worse use of all those wonderful advantages, that fortune, and the stupid security of his neighbours conspir’d to put into his hands. To convince you of the truth of this, let us only consider what posture the affairs ofFrancewere in at his accession to that crown, and several years after, as likewise how all the neighbouring princes and states about him stood affected: to begin then with the former, he found himself master of the best disciplin’d troops in the universe, commanded by the most experienced generals that any one age had produc’d, and spirited by a long train of victories, over a careless, desponding, lazy enemy. All the great men of his kingdom so depressed and humbled by the fortunate artifices ofRichlieuandMazarine, that they were not capable of giving him any uneasiness at home, the sole power of raising money entirely in his own hands, and his parliaments so far from giving a check to his daily encroachments upon their liberties, that they were made the most effectual instruments of his tyranny: In short, his clergy as much devoted, and the whole body of his people as subservient to him as a prince cou’d wish. As far his neighbours, he who was best able of any to put a stop to his growing greatness, I mean the king ofEngland, either favour’d his designs clandestinely, or was so enervated by his pleasure, that provided he cou’d enjoy an inglorious effeminacy at home, he seem’d not to lay much to heart what became of the rest of Christendom.
The emperor was composing anthems for his chapel atVienna, when he shou’d have appeared at the head of his troops on theRhine. The princes ofGermanywere either divided from the common interest by the underhand management ofFrance, or not at all concerned at the impending storm that threatned them. TheHollanderswithin an ace of losing their liberty by the preposterous care they took to secure it; I mean, by diverting that family of all power in their government, which, as it had formerly erected their republick, so now was the only one that cou’d help to protect it.
The little states and principalities ofItaly, looking on at a distance, and not daring to declare themselves in so critical a conjuncture, when the two keys of their country,PignerolandCasalhung at the girdle ofFrance. In short, the dispeopl’d monarchy ofSpain, governed by a soft unactive prince, equally unfit for the cabinet and the field; his counsellors, who manag’d all under him, taking no care to lay up magazines, and put their towns in a posture of defence, but wholly relying as for that, upon their neighbours; like some inconsiderate spend-thrift thrown into a jail by his creditors, that smoakes and drinks, and talks merrily all the while, but never advances one step to make his circumstances easy to him, leaving the burthen of that affair to his friends and relations, whom perhaps he never obliged so far in his prosperity, as to deserve it from their hands.
Here now, says he, was the fairest opportunity that ever presented itself for a prince of gallantry and resolution, for aTamerlaneand aScanderbeg, to have done something eminently signal in his generation; and if in the last century, a little king ofSweden, with a handfulof men, cou’d force his way from theBaltickto theRhine, and fill allGermanywith terror and consternation, what might we not have expected from a powerful king ofFrance, in the flower of his youth, and at the head of two hundred thousand effective men, especially when there was no visible power to oppose him? But this wonderful monarch of yours, instead of carrying his arms beyond theDanube, and performing any one action worthy for his historians to record in the annals of his reign, has humbly contented himself, now and then, in the beginning of the year, when he knew his neighbours were unprepared for such a visit, to invest some little market-town inFlanders, with his invincible troops; and when a parcel of silly implicit fools had done the business for him; then, forsooth, he must appear at the head of his court harlots and minstrels, and make a magnificent entry thro’ the breach: And after this ridiculous piece of pageantry is over, return back again toVersailles, with the fame equipage, order’d new medals, operas, and sonnets to be made upon the occasion; and what ought by no means to be omitted, our most trusty and well-beloved counsellor and cousin, the archbishop ofParis, must immediately have a letter sent him, to repair forthwith, at the head of his ecclesiastick myrmidons, toNôtre Dame, and there to thank God for the success of an infamous robbery, which an honest moral pagan would have blush’d at. So that when the next fit of hisfistula in anoshall send this immortal town-stealer, this divine village-lifter, this heroic pilferer of poor hamlets and their dependancies, down to these subterranean dominions, don’t imagine that he’ll be allowed to keep company with thePharamondsandCharlemagnesofFrance, theEdwardsandHenriesofEngland, theWilliamsof theNassovianfamily, or theAlexandersandCæsarsofGreeceandRome. No, shou’d he have the impudence to shew his head among that illustrious assembly, they wou’d soon order their footmen to drub him into better manners: Neither, cries a surlyEnglishman, clapping his sides, and interrupting him, must he expect the favour to appear even among our holyday heroes, and custard stormers ofCheapside, those merry burlesques of the art military inFinsbury-fields, who, poor creatures! never meant the destruction of any mortal thing, but transitory roast-beaf andcapon: no, friend, says he,Lewis le Grandmust expect to take up his habitation in the most infamous quarter ofHell, among a parcel of house-breakers and shop-lifters, rogues burnt in the cheek for petty-larceny and burglary, brethren of the moon, gentlemen of the horn-thumb, pillagers of the hedges and henroosts, conveyers of silver spoons, and camblet cloaks, and such like enterprising heroes, whose famous actions are faithfully register’d in our sessions-papers and dying-speeches, transmitted to posterity by the Ordinary ofNewgate; a much more impartial historian than yourPelissonsandBoileaus. However, as I was inform’d last week by an understrapper at court;Pluto, in consideration of the singular services your royal master has done him, will allow him a brace of fiddlers to scrape and sing to him wherever he goes, since he takes such a delight to hear his own praises.
I must confess, says another leering rogue, a countryman of his, that since the grand monarch we have been speaking of, who has all along done more by his bribing and tricking, than by the conduct of his generals, or the bravery of his troops, who has plaid at fast and loose with his neighbours ever since he came to the crown, who has surprised abundance of towns in his time, and at the next treaty been forced to spue up those very places he orderedTe Deumto be sung for a few months before. I must confess, says he, that since in conjunction with a damn’d mercenary priest, he has forg’d a will for his brother-in-law ofSpain, and plac’d his grandson upon that throne, I should think the rest of Christendom in a very bad condition indeed, if he should be suffered to go on quietly with his show a few years more: Then for all I know, he might bid fair to set up a new empire in the west, which he has been aiming at so long: But if the last advice from the other world don’t deceive us: If the parliament ofEnglandgoes on as unanimously as they have begun, to support their prince in so pious and necessary a war; in short, if the emperor, theDutch, and the other allies, act with that vigour and resolution as it becomes them upon this pressing occasion, I make no question to see this mighty hero plunder’d like the jay in the fable, of all the fine plumes he has borrow’d, and reduc’d to so low an ebb, that he shall not find it in his power, tho’ he has never somuch in his will, to disturb the peace of the christian world any more. And this, continues he, is as favourable an opportunity as we could desire, to strip him of all his usurpations; for heaven be praised,Spainat present is a burthen to him, and by grasping at too much, he’s in a fair way to lose every farthing. Besides, this late forgery of the will has pluck’d off his old mask, and shews that ’tis an universal monarchy he intends, and not the repose ofEurope, which has been so fortunate a sham to him in all his other treaties; so that the devil’s in the allies now, if they don’t see thro’ those thin pretences he so often bubbled them with formerly; or lay down their arms, till they have made thisFrenchbustard, who is all feathers, and no substance, as bare and naked as a skeleton; and effectually spoil his new trade of making wills for other people. And this they may easily bring about, continues he, if they lay hold on the present opportunity, for as I observed to you before, he has taken more business upon his hands than he’ll ever be able to manage, and by grasping at too much, is in the direct road to lose all. For my part, I never think of him, but he puts me in mind of a silly foolish fellow I knew once inLondon, who was a common knife-grinder about the streets, and having in this humble occupation gathered a few straggling pence, must needs take a great house inFleetstreet, and set up for a sword-cutler; but before quarter-day came, finding the rent too bulky for him, he very fairly rubb’d off with all his effects, and left his landlord the key under the door. Without pretending to the spirit ofNostradamus, orLilly, this I foresee, will be the fate ofLewis le Grand; therefore when you write next to your glorious monarch, pray give my respects to him, and bid him remember the sad destiny of the poor knife-grinder ofLondon.
Thus you see, Sir, how I am daily plagu’d and harrass’d by a parcel of brawny impudent rascals, and all for espousing your quarrel, and crying up the justice of your arms. ForPluto’s sake let me conjure your majesty to lay your commands uponBoileau,Racine, or any of your panegyrists, to instruct me how I may stop the mouths of these impertinent babblers for the future, who make Hell ten times more insupportable than otherwise it would be, and threaten to toss me in a blanket the next time I comeunprovided for your defence into their company. In the mean time, humbly desiring your majesty to present my love to thequondamwife of my bosom, I mean the virtuous madamMaintenon, who, in conjunction with your most christian majesty, now governs allFrance; and put her in mind of sending me a dozen of new shirts by the next pacquet, I remain,
Your Majesty’smost obedient, and most obligedSubject and Servant,
Scarron.
’TWAS with infinite satisfaction that I receiv’d the news of the happy success of your arms inItaly. My worthy friendScipio, (for so I may justly call him, since we have dropp’d our old animosities, and now live amicably together) is eternally talking of your conduct and bravery; nay,Alexander the Great, who can hardly bear any competitor in the point of glory, has freely confessed, that your gallantry in passing thePoandAdige, in the face of so powerful an enemy, falls not short of what he himself formerly shew’d upon the banks of theGranicus. For my part, I have a thousand obligations to you. My march over theAlpes, upon which I may deservedly value myself, was look’d upon here to be fabulous, till your late expedition over those rugged mountains confirm’d the belief of it. Thus neither hills nor rivers can stop the progress of your victories, and ’tis you who have found out the lucky secret, how to baffle the circumspect gravity of theSpaniards, and repress the furious impetuosity of theFrench. HisGallicmajesty, who minds keeping his word as little, as that mercenary republick of tradesmen whom it was my misfortune to serve, will find to his cost, that all the laurels he has been so long, a plundering, will at last fall to your excellency’s share; and that he has been labouring forty years together to no other purpose, than to enrich you with the spoils of his former triumphs. Go on, therefore, in the glorious track as you have begun, and be assured, that the good wishes of all the great and illustrious persons now resident in this lower world attend you in all your enterprizes. As nothing can be a greater pleasure to virtuous men, than to see villains rewarded according to their deserts; so true heroes never rejoice more than when they see a sham-conqueror, and vain glorious bully, such asLewisXIV. plunder’d of all his unjust acquisitions, and reduced to his primitive state of nothing. Were there a free communication between our territories and yours,Cyrus,Miltiades,Cæsar, and a thousand other generals, would be proud to offer you their service the next campaign; but ’tis your happiness that you want not their assistance; your own personal bravery, join’d to that of your troops, and the justice of your cause, being sufficient to carry you thro’ all your undertakings.
Farewel.
HOWEVER it happen’d so, I can’t tell, but I could never get a sight of thy famousPindaricupon the late queenMary, ’till about a month ago. Most of the company would needs have me declare open war against thee that very minute, for prophaning my name with such execrable doggrel.Stensichorusrail’d at thee worse than the man of theHorseshoe-TaverninDrury-lane;Alcæus, I believe, will hardly be his own man again this fortnight, so much concerned he is to find thee crowding thy self upon theLyricpoets; nay,Sapphothe patient, laid about her like a fury, and call’d thee a thousand pimping stuttering ballad-fingers. As for me, far from taking any thing amiss at my hands, I am mightily pleased with the honour thou hast done me, and besides, must own thou hast been the cheapest, kindest physician to me I ever met with; for whenever my circumstances sit uneasy upon me, (andfor thy comfortTom, we poets have our plagues in this world, as well as we had in your’s) when my landlord persecutes me for rent, my sempstress for my linnen, my taylor for cloaths, or my vintner for a long pagan score behind the bar, I immediately read but half a dozen lines of thy admirable ode, and sleep as heartily as the monks inRabelais, after singing a verse or two of the seven penitential psalms. All I am afraid of, is, that when the virtues of it are known, some body or other will be perpetually borrowing it of me, either to help him to a nap, or cure him of the spleen, for I find ’tis an excellent specifick for both; therefore I must desire thee to order trustySam.to send me as many of them as have escap’d the Pastry-cook, and I will remit him his money by the next opportunity. IfAugustus Cæsarthought aRomangentleman’s pillow worth the buying, who slept soundly every night amidst all his debts, can a man blame me for bestowing a few transitory pence upon thy poem, which is the best opiate in the universe? In short, friendTom, I love and admire thee for the freedom thou hast taken with me; and this I will say in commendation, that thou hast in this respect done more than evenAlexanderthe Great durst do. That mighty conqueror, upon the taking ofThebes, spared all of my family; nay, the very house I lived in: but thou, who hast a genius superior to him, hast not spared me, even in what I value most, my verification and good name, for whichApolloin due time reward thee.
Farewel.
Dear Royal Brother and Cousin,
THO’ I have travers’d the vast abyss that lies betwixt us; and am now at some hundred millions of leagues distance from you, yet do I still remember the promise I made you before my departure, to send you an account of my journey hither. Know then, that all the stories you hear of the mansions of the dead, are flim-flams, invented by the crafty, to terrify and manage the weak. Here’s no such thing asHellorPurgatory; noLake of fire andbrimstone; nocleven-footed devils; noland of darkness. This place is wonderfully well lighted by a never decaying effulgence, which flows from the Almighty; and the pleasures we dead enjoy, and the torments we endure, consist in a full and clear view of our past actions, whether good or bad; and in being in such or such company as is allotted us. For my part, I am continually tormented with the thoughts of having lost three goodly kingdoms by my infatuation and bigotry; and to aggravate my pain, I am quarter’d with my royal fatherCharlesI. my honest well meaning brotherCharlesII. and the subtleMachiavel; the first reproaches me ever and anon, with my not having made better use of his dreadful examples; the second, with having despis’d his wholsome advices; and the third, with having misapply’d his maxims, thro’ the wrong suggestions of my father confessor. Oh! that I had as little religion as your self, or asS——M——,R——H——, and some others, of my ministers, and my predecessors; then might I have reign’d with honour, and in plenty over a nation, which is ever loyal and faithful to a prince who is tender of their laws and liberties; and peacefully resign’d my crown my lawfully begotten son; whereas thro’ the delusions of priest-craft, and the fond insinuations of a bigotted wife, I endeavoured to establish the superstitions ofPopery, and the fatal maxims of a despotick, dispensing power, upon the ruins of theProtestant Religion, and of the fundamental laws of a free people, which at last concluded with my abdication and exile. I am sorry you have deviated from your wonted custom of breaking your word, and that you have punctually observ’d the promise you made me at my dying bed, of acknowledging my dear son as king ofGreat-Britain; for I fear myquondamsubjects, who love to contradict you in every thing, will from thence take occasion to abjure him for ever; whereas had you disowned him, they would perhaps have acknowledged him in mere spite. CardinalRichlieu, who visits me often, professes still a great deal of zeal and affection for your government, but is extremely concern’d at the wrong measures you take to arrive at universal monarchy. He has desir’d me to advise you to keep the old method he chalk’d out for you, which is, to trust more to your gold than toyour arms. I cannot but think he is in the right on’t, considering the wonderful success the first has lately had with the archbishop ofCologn, and some other of theGermanandItalianprinces, and the small progress your armies have made in theMilanese. But the wholesomeness of his advice is yet better justify’d by your dealings with theEnglish, whom you know, you have always found more easily bribed than bullied. Therefore, as you tender the grandeur of your monarchy, and the interest of my dear son, instead of raising new forces, and fitting out fleets, be sure to send a cart-load of your new-coin’dLewis d’orsintoEngland, in order to divide the nation, and set theWhigsandToriestogether by the ears. But take care you trust your money in the hands of a person that knows how to distribute it to more advantage than either countT——dorP——n, who, as I am told, have lavish’d away your favours all at once upon insatiable cormorants, and extravagant gamesters and spendthrifts. ’Tis true, by their assistance, and the unwearied diligence of my loyalJacobites, you have made a shift to get the old ministry discarded, and to retard the grand alliance; but let me tell you, unless you see them afresh, they will certainly leave you in the lurch at the next sessions; for ingratitude and corruption do always go together. Therefore to keep these mercenary rogues to their behaviour, and in perpetual dependance, you must feed them with small portions, as weekly, or monthly allowance. Above all, bid your agents take heed how they deal with a certain indefatigable writer, who, as long as your gold has lasted, has been very useful to our cause, and boldly defeated the dangerous counsels of theWhigs, your implacable enemies; but who, upon the first withdrawing of your bounty, will infallibly turn cat in pan, and write for the house ofAustria.
I could give you more instructions in relation toEngland, but not knowing whether they would be taken in good part, I forbear them for the present. Pray comfort my dear spouse with a royal kiss, and tell her, I wait her coming with impatience. Bid my beloved son not despair of ascending my throne, that is, provided he shakes off the fetters of theRomishsuperstition; let him not despond upon account of my unfaithful servantFuller’s evidence against his legitimacy, for the depositions of mynobility, which are still upon record in the Chancery, will easily defeat that perjur’d fellow’s pretended proof, with all honest considering men. And as for the numerous addresses, which I hear, are daily presented to my successor against him, he may find as many in my strong box, which were presented to me in his favour, both before and after his birth. The last courier brought us news of a pretended miracle, wrought by my body at theBenedictineschurch; I earnestly desire you to disabuse the world, and keep the imposture from getting ground; for how is it possible I should cure eye-fistulas, now I am dead, that could not ease myself of a troublesome corn in my toe when living? My service to all our friends and acquaintance; be assur’d that all theLetheanwaters shall never wash away from my memory the great services I have received at your hands in the other world; nor the inviolable affection, which makes me subscribe myself,
Dear Royal Brother and Cousin,Your most obliged Friend,
James Rex.
Most beloved Royal Brother and Cousin,
YOUR’S I received this morning, and no sooner cast my eyes upon the superscription, but I guess’d it to be written by one of my fellow kings, by the scrawl and ill spelling. I am glad your account of the other world agrees so well with the thoughts I always entertained about it: For, between friends, I never believ’d the stories the priests tell us of hell and purgatory. Ambition has ever been my religion; and my grandeur the only deity to which I have paid my adorations. If I have persecuted the protestants of my kingdom, ’twas not because I thought their perswasions worse than theRomish, but because I look’d upon them as a sort of dangerous, antimonarchical people; who, as they had fixed the crown upon my head, so they might as easily take it off, to servetheir own party; and because by that means I secur’d theJesuits, who must be own’d the best supporters of arbitrary power. Nay, to tell you the truth, my design in making you, by my emissaries, a stickler of popery, was only to create jealousies betwixt you and your people, so that ye might stand in need of my assistance, and be tributary to my power. I am sorry you are in the company of the three persons you mention. To get rid of their teasing and reproaching conversation, I advise you to propose a match at whisk, and if by casting knaves you can but getMachiavelon your side, I am sure you will get the better of the other two. Since you mention my owning the prince your son as king ofGreat Britain, I must needs tell you, that neither he nor you, have reason to be beholden to me for it; for what I did was not to keep my promise to you, but only to serve my own ends; I considered, that an alliance being made between theEnglish, theEmperor, and theDutch, in order to reduce my exorbitant power, a war must inevitably follow. Now, I suppose, that after two or three years fighting, my finances will be pretty near exhausted, and that I shall be forced to condescend to give peace toEurope, as I did four years ago. TheEmperor, I reckon, will be brought to sign and seal upon reasonable terms, and be content with having some small share in theSpanistmonarchy, as will theDutchalso with a barrier inFlanders. These two less considerable enemies being quieted, how shall I pacify those I fear most, I mean theEnglish? Why, by turning your dear son out of my kingdom, as I formerly did you and your brother. Not that I will wholly abandon him neither: no, you may rest assured that I will re-espouse his quarrel, as soon as I shall find an opportunity to make him instrumental to the advancement of my greatness. I am obliged to cardinalRichlieufor the concern he shews for the honour ofFrance, and will not fail to make use of his advice, as far as my running cash will let me. But I am somewhat puzzled how to manage matters inEnglandat the next sessions; for my agentP——n, by taking his leave in a publick tavern, of three of our best friends, has render’d them suspected to the nation, and consequently useless to me. I wish you could direct me to some trustyJacobiteinEngland, to distribute my bribes; for I find my own subjects unqualify’d for that office, and easily bubbled by the sharp mercenaryEnglish. However, I will not so much depend upon myLewis d’ors, as to disband my armies, and lay up my fleets, as you and cardinalRichlieuseem to counsel me to do. I suppose you have no other intelligence but theLondon-Gazette, else you would not entertain so despicable an opinion of my arms inItaly. I send you here enclos’d a collection of theGazettesprinted this year in my good city ofParis, whereby you will find, upon a right computation, that theGermanshave lost ten men to one of the confederates. Pray fail not sending me by the next post, all the instructions you can think of, in relation toEngland: for tho’ you made more false steps in this world, than any of your predecessors; yet I find by your letter, you have wonderfully improv’d your politicks by the conversation ofMachiavelandRichlieu. I have communicated your letter to your dear spouse and beloved son, who cannot be perswaded to believe it came from you; not thinking it possible that so religious a man, whilst living, should turn libertine after his death: I cannot, with safety, comply to your desire of disabusing the world, concerning the miraculous cure pretended to be wrought by your body at theBenedictineschurch. Such pious frauds being the main prop of the Popish religion; as this is of my sovereign authority. Your son may hope to be one day seated on your throne, not by turning Protestant (to which he is entirely averse, and which I shall be sure to prevent) but by thesuperiorityof my arms, and theextensivenessof mypower, after I shall have fix’d my son on the monarchy ofSpain. MadamMaintenondesires to be remembred to you, she writes by this post to Mr.Scarron, her former husband, to desire him to wait on you, and endeavour to divert your melancholy thoughts, by reading to you the third part of his comical romance, which we are inform’d he has lately written, for the entertainment of the dead. I remain as faithfully as ever,
Dear Royal Brother and Cousin,Your affectionate Friend,
Lewis Rex.