PARTII.CHAPTERI.Of the progress of his convictions and temptations.1.IHAD now a design to go abroad: but on the advice of some friends, I laid aside thatdesign, and engaged as chaplain to a family. Accordingly inAugust 1696, I went to theWemyss. When I came hither, a stranger among persons of considerable quality, I was in a great strait, and cried to God for help. And though it was my own, more than his honour, I was concerned for, yet he, who would not overlook evenAhab’s humiliation, did not fail to assist me, so far as to maintain the respect due to the station I was in.2. I had not been here long, when I was often engaged (and frequently, without necessity) in debates about the divinity of the scriptures, and the most important doctrines therein. This drew me to read the writings of Deists, that I might know the strength of the enemy. But I soon perceived, that these foolish questions and contentions were unprofitable and vain. For evil men and seducers will wax worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived. And to my sad experience I found, that their word doth eat as doth a gangrene: so that happy is he who stops his ears against it!3. The reading these was of dangerous consequence to one who was not rooted and grounded in the truth. Their objections I found struck at the foundations; they were many, new, and set off to the best advantage by the cunning craftiness of men practised in deceit. Nor was I acquainted with that vigilance and humble sobriety that werenecessary for my defence against them. The adversary finding all things thus prepared, set furiously upon me. He wrought up first the natural atheism, darkness and enmity of my own heart, blasphemously to ask concerning the great truths of religion, “How can these things be?” To increase these doubts he employed some who had all the advantages of nature and education, persons smooth, sober, of generous tempers, and good understandings, to oppose the truth with the most plausible appearances of argument and reason. To all this he added his own subtil suggestions, “Hath God indeed said so?” And sometimes he threw in fiery darts, to enflame and disorder me; especially, when I was alone, or most seriously employed in prayer or meditation.4. By all these ways he assaulted me, both as to the being of God, as to his providence, and as to the truth both of his revelation in general, and of many particulars contained in it. Sometimes he suggested the want of sufficient evidence; at other times, that it was obscure or hard. Yea, some parts of it were accused as plain blasphemy: some as contradictory to each other. The great mystery of the gospel was particularly set upon and represented as foolishness: and for fear of some or other of those suggestions, it was even a terror to me, to look into the bible.5. The subtle enemy, who had so often before tempted me to pride, now pressed me to a bastard sort of humility. “How can such an one as you expect to remove difficulties, which so many abler men have sunk under?” By this I was brought into grievous perplexity. I sought relief from my own reasonings, from books, and even from prayer, but I found it not. Then I wished for some extraordinary revelation; and at last sat down with the sluggard,folding my hands, and eating my own flesh. My own reasonings availed not against him,who esteems iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood. All my books overlooked many of my scruples, and did not satisfy me as to the rest. And as to extraordinary expectations, God justly rejected them, seeing I would not hear Moses and the prophets. So that I had quite sunk under the weight of my trouble, and been swallowed up of sorrow and despair, had it not been for some little assistances which the goodness of God gave me, sometimes one way, sometimes another. When I was urged to reject the scriptures, it was often seasonably suggested,To whom shall I go? These are the words of eternal life.God powerfully convinced me, and kept the conviction strong upon my mind, that whenever I parted with revelation, I must give up all prospect of certainty or satisfaction about eternal life. The boasted demonstrations of a future happiness, built only on the light of nature, I had tried long ago, and foundto be altogether weak and inconclusive; though had they been ever so conclusive, I had been not a whit the nearer satisfaction. For, to tell me of such a state, without an account of its nature, or the terms whereon it was attainable, was all one as if nothing had been said about it, and left my mind in equal confusion. Again, on a due observation of those who were truly religious, I could not but even then think them the better part of mankind; and my soul started at charging all the best of mankind with a lie in a thing of the greatest importance. On the other hand, God opened my eyes to see the unaccountable folly of those who had abandoned revealed religion. The scripture tells them plainly, they must do his will, if they would know whether the doctrine be of God. But they walk in a direct contradiction to his will; how then can they know of the doctrine? Nay, some sober, learned, and otherwise inquisitive persons, owned, that we are already miserable, if we are either cut off from the hopes of, or left at uncertainty about a future state of happiness. They owned likewise themselves to be thus uncertain, and yet were at little or no pains to be satisfied; yea, I found they rather sought for what might strengthen their doubts than remove them; which plainly shewed a hatred of the light.6. I received further help from considering the lives, but more especially the deaths of themartyrs. When I considered the number, the quality, and all the circumstances of those who had beentortured, not accepting deliverance, I could not but own the finger of God, and the reality of religion. The known instances of its power over children in their tender years, appeared likewise of great weight; and I began to get frequent touches of conviction, whereby feeling the piercing virtue of his word, making manifest the secrets of my heart, I was forced to own God to be in it of a truth. Lastly, I found a secret hope begot and cherished I know not how, sometimes even amidst the violence of temptations, that as God had delivered others from temptations like mine, (though I doubted, if ever any had been so much molested as I) so he would deliver me at length; that what I knew not now, I should know hereafter: that my mouth should yet be filled with his praise: and that Satan’s rage shewed his time was but short.7. Hereby I was enabled, not only to persevere, and with more earnestness, both in public and private duties, but also carefully to conceal all my straits from others, who might have stumbled at, or been hardened by them. I was unwilling others should know any thing that might disgust them at religion;Tell it not inGath,lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph. *In converse with such as were shaken, I still stood for the truth, as if I had been under no doubtabout it. And I must own, that while I did so, God often gave me both success with others, and satisfaction in my own mind. How good a master is God! A word spoken for him is not lost: nor will he suffer the least service to be in vain. A Heathen Cyrus, yea Nebuchadnezzar himself, shall not work without his reward.8. Before I proceed, I must observe the folly of reasoning with Satan; whenever I did so, he had still great advantage: he easily evaded all my arguments, and enforced his own suggestions: and even when they were not maintained by argument, he injected them so strongly, that I was not able to stand against them: our safest course is to hold him at a distance, and avoid all communion with him. *I must observe likewise, the wise providence of God, that the greatest difficulties against religion are hid from Atheists. None of the objections they make are near so subtle as those which were often suggested to me. Indeed they do not view religion near enough, to see either the difficulties, or the advantages that attend it. And the devil finding them quiet, keeps them so, not using force, where he can do his work without it. Besides, God, in his infinite wisdom, permits, not all these subtleties of hell to be published, in tenderness to the faith of the weak, which could not bear so severe an assault.9. I lay under many inconveniences all this while. Most of the converse I had was with unholymen. I had no friend to whom I could impart my griefs with freedom, or any prospect of satisfaction. And the entire concealing my concern made it fasten more and more, and drink up my blood and spirits. I laid aside my studies; I could not pursue either business or diversion: I had no heart to any thing; I could not read, unless now and then a small portion of scripture, or some other practical book (except when, for a short space, there was an intermission of my trouble.) For near a year and a half I read scarce any thing; and this slothful posture laid me open to fresh temptations, and made my corruptions grow stronger still.10. Yet even now, God minding his own work, by the means of his word, brought the law, in its spiritual meaning, nearer. And then I found more discernibly the stirrings of sin, which taking occasion from the commandment, and being fretted at the light let into my soul, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. Hereby I was plunged into deeper guilt;My iniquities went over my head; and my conscience was so alarmed,that I found no rest in my bones by reason of my sin.11. I still laboured for rest, either by extenuating my faults, pleading the strength of temptation, (sometimes not without secret reflections upon God) or by trying to persuade myself they were no faults at all. When all these failed, I made new vows and resolutions; andNovember 23,1697, (a day I had set apart for fasting and prayer) I drew up a short account of my treacherous dealing with God from my youth up, and solemnly bound myself to him for the time to come.12. But tho’ by this means I was kept from open pollutions; tho’ I was careful of outward duties; received the word with joy; watched against pride of heart, unbelief, and other spiritual evils; though I fasted, prayed, mourned, and was much in secret; yea, strove against all sins, even those I loved best; yet all this was only a form of religion, the power of which I was still a stranger to. I was a stranger to that blessed relief of sinners, faith imputed for righteousness. Though I professed to believe it, I was really in the dark, as to its glorious efficacy, tendency and design. Still my eye was not single; I regarded only myself, and not the glory of God. It was still by some righteousness of my own, in whole or in part, that I sought relief. Though I did part with my beloved sins, yet it was neither without reluctance, nor without some secret reserve. Lastly, My heart was utterly averse from all spiritual religion: and if I sometimes aimed at fixing my mind on heavenly things; yet it was soon weary of this forcible bent, and it seemed intolerable to think of being always spiritual.13. I was now reduced to the last extremity. My sins were set in order before me, and hadtaken such hold upon me, that I was not able to look up. They were set in order in the dreadfulness of their nature and aggravations; my excuses baffled, andmy mouth stopped beforeGod. All the ways I had taken for my relief had deceived me; they were the staff of a broken reed; they pierced my arm when I essayed to lean upon them; andI was ashamed, and even confounded, that I had hoped. The wrath of God was likewise dropped into my soul, andthe poison of his arrows drunk up my spirits. Add to this, that I was still unsatisfied about religion, and my enemies often told me, that even in God there was no succour for me. Yea, sometimes Satan, to entangle me the more, assaulted all the truths of religion at once; and then I was utterly confounded, when the Lord commanded that my enemies should close me in on every side.14. By the extremity of this anguish, I was for some time, about the end of ninety-seven, and the beginning of ninety-eight, dreadfully cast down. I was weary of my life. Oft did I useJob’s words,I loath it, I would not live alway. And yet I was afraid to die. I had no rest;My sore ran in the day, and in the night time it ceased not. At night I wished for day, and in the day I wished for night. I said,My couch shall comfort me; but then darkness was as the shadow of death. I was often on the brink of despair.He filled me with bitterness, he made me drunk with wormwood. He removed my soul far from peace:I forgat prosperity. I said my hope and my strength are perished from the Lord.I wondered that I was not consumed; and though I dreaded destruction from the Almighty, yet I must have justified him if he had destroyed me. Thus I walked about dejected, weary and heavy laden: weary of my disease, and weary of my vain remedies; and utterly uncertain what to do next, or what course to take.
PARTII.
Of the progress of his convictions and temptations.
1.IHAD now a design to go abroad: but on the advice of some friends, I laid aside thatdesign, and engaged as chaplain to a family. Accordingly inAugust 1696, I went to theWemyss. When I came hither, a stranger among persons of considerable quality, I was in a great strait, and cried to God for help. And though it was my own, more than his honour, I was concerned for, yet he, who would not overlook evenAhab’s humiliation, did not fail to assist me, so far as to maintain the respect due to the station I was in.
2. I had not been here long, when I was often engaged (and frequently, without necessity) in debates about the divinity of the scriptures, and the most important doctrines therein. This drew me to read the writings of Deists, that I might know the strength of the enemy. But I soon perceived, that these foolish questions and contentions were unprofitable and vain. For evil men and seducers will wax worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived. And to my sad experience I found, that their word doth eat as doth a gangrene: so that happy is he who stops his ears against it!
3. The reading these was of dangerous consequence to one who was not rooted and grounded in the truth. Their objections I found struck at the foundations; they were many, new, and set off to the best advantage by the cunning craftiness of men practised in deceit. Nor was I acquainted with that vigilance and humble sobriety that werenecessary for my defence against them. The adversary finding all things thus prepared, set furiously upon me. He wrought up first the natural atheism, darkness and enmity of my own heart, blasphemously to ask concerning the great truths of religion, “How can these things be?” To increase these doubts he employed some who had all the advantages of nature and education, persons smooth, sober, of generous tempers, and good understandings, to oppose the truth with the most plausible appearances of argument and reason. To all this he added his own subtil suggestions, “Hath God indeed said so?” And sometimes he threw in fiery darts, to enflame and disorder me; especially, when I was alone, or most seriously employed in prayer or meditation.
4. By all these ways he assaulted me, both as to the being of God, as to his providence, and as to the truth both of his revelation in general, and of many particulars contained in it. Sometimes he suggested the want of sufficient evidence; at other times, that it was obscure or hard. Yea, some parts of it were accused as plain blasphemy: some as contradictory to each other. The great mystery of the gospel was particularly set upon and represented as foolishness: and for fear of some or other of those suggestions, it was even a terror to me, to look into the bible.
5. The subtle enemy, who had so often before tempted me to pride, now pressed me to a bastard sort of humility. “How can such an one as you expect to remove difficulties, which so many abler men have sunk under?” By this I was brought into grievous perplexity. I sought relief from my own reasonings, from books, and even from prayer, but I found it not. Then I wished for some extraordinary revelation; and at last sat down with the sluggard,folding my hands, and eating my own flesh. My own reasonings availed not against him,who esteems iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood. All my books overlooked many of my scruples, and did not satisfy me as to the rest. And as to extraordinary expectations, God justly rejected them, seeing I would not hear Moses and the prophets. So that I had quite sunk under the weight of my trouble, and been swallowed up of sorrow and despair, had it not been for some little assistances which the goodness of God gave me, sometimes one way, sometimes another. When I was urged to reject the scriptures, it was often seasonably suggested,To whom shall I go? These are the words of eternal life.God powerfully convinced me, and kept the conviction strong upon my mind, that whenever I parted with revelation, I must give up all prospect of certainty or satisfaction about eternal life. The boasted demonstrations of a future happiness, built only on the light of nature, I had tried long ago, and foundto be altogether weak and inconclusive; though had they been ever so conclusive, I had been not a whit the nearer satisfaction. For, to tell me of such a state, without an account of its nature, or the terms whereon it was attainable, was all one as if nothing had been said about it, and left my mind in equal confusion. Again, on a due observation of those who were truly religious, I could not but even then think them the better part of mankind; and my soul started at charging all the best of mankind with a lie in a thing of the greatest importance. On the other hand, God opened my eyes to see the unaccountable folly of those who had abandoned revealed religion. The scripture tells them plainly, they must do his will, if they would know whether the doctrine be of God. But they walk in a direct contradiction to his will; how then can they know of the doctrine? Nay, some sober, learned, and otherwise inquisitive persons, owned, that we are already miserable, if we are either cut off from the hopes of, or left at uncertainty about a future state of happiness. They owned likewise themselves to be thus uncertain, and yet were at little or no pains to be satisfied; yea, I found they rather sought for what might strengthen their doubts than remove them; which plainly shewed a hatred of the light.
6. I received further help from considering the lives, but more especially the deaths of themartyrs. When I considered the number, the quality, and all the circumstances of those who had beentortured, not accepting deliverance, I could not but own the finger of God, and the reality of religion. The known instances of its power over children in their tender years, appeared likewise of great weight; and I began to get frequent touches of conviction, whereby feeling the piercing virtue of his word, making manifest the secrets of my heart, I was forced to own God to be in it of a truth. Lastly, I found a secret hope begot and cherished I know not how, sometimes even amidst the violence of temptations, that as God had delivered others from temptations like mine, (though I doubted, if ever any had been so much molested as I) so he would deliver me at length; that what I knew not now, I should know hereafter: that my mouth should yet be filled with his praise: and that Satan’s rage shewed his time was but short.
7. Hereby I was enabled, not only to persevere, and with more earnestness, both in public and private duties, but also carefully to conceal all my straits from others, who might have stumbled at, or been hardened by them. I was unwilling others should know any thing that might disgust them at religion;Tell it not inGath,lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph. *In converse with such as were shaken, I still stood for the truth, as if I had been under no doubtabout it. And I must own, that while I did so, God often gave me both success with others, and satisfaction in my own mind. How good a master is God! A word spoken for him is not lost: nor will he suffer the least service to be in vain. A Heathen Cyrus, yea Nebuchadnezzar himself, shall not work without his reward.
8. Before I proceed, I must observe the folly of reasoning with Satan; whenever I did so, he had still great advantage: he easily evaded all my arguments, and enforced his own suggestions: and even when they were not maintained by argument, he injected them so strongly, that I was not able to stand against them: our safest course is to hold him at a distance, and avoid all communion with him. *I must observe likewise, the wise providence of God, that the greatest difficulties against religion are hid from Atheists. None of the objections they make are near so subtle as those which were often suggested to me. Indeed they do not view religion near enough, to see either the difficulties, or the advantages that attend it. And the devil finding them quiet, keeps them so, not using force, where he can do his work without it. Besides, God, in his infinite wisdom, permits, not all these subtleties of hell to be published, in tenderness to the faith of the weak, which could not bear so severe an assault.
9. I lay under many inconveniences all this while. Most of the converse I had was with unholymen. I had no friend to whom I could impart my griefs with freedom, or any prospect of satisfaction. And the entire concealing my concern made it fasten more and more, and drink up my blood and spirits. I laid aside my studies; I could not pursue either business or diversion: I had no heart to any thing; I could not read, unless now and then a small portion of scripture, or some other practical book (except when, for a short space, there was an intermission of my trouble.) For near a year and a half I read scarce any thing; and this slothful posture laid me open to fresh temptations, and made my corruptions grow stronger still.
10. Yet even now, God minding his own work, by the means of his word, brought the law, in its spiritual meaning, nearer. And then I found more discernibly the stirrings of sin, which taking occasion from the commandment, and being fretted at the light let into my soul, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. Hereby I was plunged into deeper guilt;My iniquities went over my head; and my conscience was so alarmed,that I found no rest in my bones by reason of my sin.
11. I still laboured for rest, either by extenuating my faults, pleading the strength of temptation, (sometimes not without secret reflections upon God) or by trying to persuade myself they were no faults at all. When all these failed, I made new vows and resolutions; andNovember 23,1697, (a day I had set apart for fasting and prayer) I drew up a short account of my treacherous dealing with God from my youth up, and solemnly bound myself to him for the time to come.
12. But tho’ by this means I was kept from open pollutions; tho’ I was careful of outward duties; received the word with joy; watched against pride of heart, unbelief, and other spiritual evils; though I fasted, prayed, mourned, and was much in secret; yea, strove against all sins, even those I loved best; yet all this was only a form of religion, the power of which I was still a stranger to. I was a stranger to that blessed relief of sinners, faith imputed for righteousness. Though I professed to believe it, I was really in the dark, as to its glorious efficacy, tendency and design. Still my eye was not single; I regarded only myself, and not the glory of God. It was still by some righteousness of my own, in whole or in part, that I sought relief. Though I did part with my beloved sins, yet it was neither without reluctance, nor without some secret reserve. Lastly, My heart was utterly averse from all spiritual religion: and if I sometimes aimed at fixing my mind on heavenly things; yet it was soon weary of this forcible bent, and it seemed intolerable to think of being always spiritual.
13. I was now reduced to the last extremity. My sins were set in order before me, and hadtaken such hold upon me, that I was not able to look up. They were set in order in the dreadfulness of their nature and aggravations; my excuses baffled, andmy mouth stopped beforeGod. All the ways I had taken for my relief had deceived me; they were the staff of a broken reed; they pierced my arm when I essayed to lean upon them; andI was ashamed, and even confounded, that I had hoped. The wrath of God was likewise dropped into my soul, andthe poison of his arrows drunk up my spirits. Add to this, that I was still unsatisfied about religion, and my enemies often told me, that even in God there was no succour for me. Yea, sometimes Satan, to entangle me the more, assaulted all the truths of religion at once; and then I was utterly confounded, when the Lord commanded that my enemies should close me in on every side.
14. By the extremity of this anguish, I was for some time, about the end of ninety-seven, and the beginning of ninety-eight, dreadfully cast down. I was weary of my life. Oft did I useJob’s words,I loath it, I would not live alway. And yet I was afraid to die. I had no rest;My sore ran in the day, and in the night time it ceased not. At night I wished for day, and in the day I wished for night. I said,My couch shall comfort me; but then darkness was as the shadow of death. I was often on the brink of despair.He filled me with bitterness, he made me drunk with wormwood. He removed my soul far from peace:I forgat prosperity. I said my hope and my strength are perished from the Lord.I wondered that I was not consumed; and though I dreaded destruction from the Almighty, yet I must have justified him if he had destroyed me. Thus I walked about dejected, weary and heavy laden: weary of my disease, and weary of my vain remedies; and utterly uncertain what to do next, or what course to take.
CHAPTERII.Of his deliverance from these temptations.*IT was in this extremity God stepped in; he found me wallowing in my blood, in a helpless and hopeless condition. I was quite overcome, neither able to fight nor fly, when the Lord passed by me, and made this time a time of love. Towards the beginning ofFebruary 1698, this seasonable relief came. I was then, as I remember, at secret prayer, when he discovered himself to me, when he let me see, that there areforgivenesses with him, and mercy, and plenteous redemption. He made all his goodness to pass, and he proclaimed his name, the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity, transgressionand sin; who will be gracious to whom he will be gracious, and will shew mercy to whom he will shew mercy.This was a strange sight to one who before looked on God only as a consuming fire, which I could not see and live. He brought me fromSinai, and its thundrings, to mountSion, and tothe blood which speaketh better things than that of Abel. I now with wonder beheld Christ in his glory,full of grace and truth. I saw that he, who had before rejected all my offerings, was well pleased in the Beloved, being fully satisfied, not only that there is forgiveness of sins, through the redemption which is in Jesus; but also, that God by this means might bejustinjustifyingeventhe ungodly that believe in him. How was I ravished with delight, to see that such mercy might consist even with his inflexible justice and spotless purity? And yet more, when he let me see, that to me, even to me, was the word of this salvation sent; that even I was invited tocome, andtake the water of life freely! Farther, he discovered to me his design in the whole, eventhat no flesh might glory in his sight: that he might manifest the riches of his grace, andbe exalted in shewing mercy. And when this strange discovery was made, of a relief which made full provision both for God’s glory and my salvation, my soul was sweetly carried out to rest in it, as worthy of God, and every way suited to my necessity.2. All these discoveries were conveyed to me by his word: not indeed by one particular passage, but by the concurring light of many of its testimonies and promises, seasonably set home, and plainly expressing those truths; thus I found it to be the power of God unto salvation. But neither was it his word alone; for the same passages I had read before, and thought upon, without any relief; but now the Lord shined into my mind by them. Before this I knew the letter only, but now the words were spirit and life; a burning light by them shone into my mind, and gave me not merely some notional knowledge, but an experimentalknowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. *And vastly different this was from all the notions I had before of the same truths. It shone from heaven: it was not a spark kindled by my own endeavours, but it shone suddenly about me: it came by a heavenly means, the word; it opened heaven, and discovered heavenly things; and its whole tendency was heavenward. It was a true light, giving true manifestations of the one God, and the one Mediator between God and man, and a true view of my state with respect to God, not according to my foolish imaginations. It was a distinct and clear light, not only representing spiritual things, but manifesting them in their glory, and in their comely order. It set all things in their due line of subordination to God, and gave distinct views of their genuine tendency.It was a satisfying light; the soul absolutely rested upon the discoveries it made: it was assured of them; it could not doubt if it saw, or if the things were so as it represented them. It was a quickening, refreshing, healing light. It arose with healing in its wings. It was a powerful light; it dissipated that thick darkness which overspread my mind, and made all those frightful temptations, that before tormented me, instantly flee before it. Lastly, It was a composing light; it did not, like a flash of lightning, fill the soul with fear and amazement; but it quieted my mind, and gave me the full and free use of all my faculties. I need not give a large account of this light, for no words can give a notion of light to the blind; and he that has eyes, (at least, while he sees it) will need no words to describe it. Proceed we, then, to its fruits, whereby the difference of it from all my former light will most evidently appear.3. The first effect of it was an approbation of God’s way of saving sinners by Jesus Christ; as a way of relief in all respects suitable to the needs of a poor, guilty, self-condemned, self-destroyed sinner, who is at length beat from all other reliefs, and hath his mouth entirely stopped before God. In this I rested as a way full of peace and comfort, and providing abundantly for all those ends I desired to have secured. And this approbation discovered itself ever after in all temptations, by keeping up inme a settled persuasion, thatGod hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. And when afterwards I was under temptations, it still kept me firm in an absolute determination utterly to reject all other ways of relief, whether I found present comfort in this or no. This was also my only sanctuary against guilt;let me be found in him, not having mine own righteousness. And whenever God gave me a fresh beam of this light, all difficulties vanish’d away; then I rejoiced in Christ Jesus, and nothing was able to disturb me while it lasted; and ever after I was then only pleased, when I found my soul, in some measure, moulded into a compliance with the design of the gospel, emptied of myself, subjected to God, and careful to have him alone exalted.4. A second effect of this discovery was, my eye began to be single, looking in all things, to the glory of God. I now desired that he alone, (which before I had no real concern for) might be glorified in my life, or by my death. I saw that shame and confusion belonged to me and to him only the whole glory of my salvation. I watched over the most secret♦actings of pride, labouring to renounce it utterly, looking on it as my grand enemy, on which I was always to have an eye, and counting the power it still had, my greatest affliction. I never found comfort, but when this idol was discernably abased; and when ever this light shone in proportion to its clearness and continuance, the power of this wasweakened in my soul, and I sought not myself but Christ Jesus.♦“actions” replaced with “actings” per Errata5. A third effect of this light was with respect to his commandments, which I now saw werenot grievous, but right concerning all things. I own’d his yoke to be easy, and his burden light. Amidst all temptations I knew the law was holy, just and good; I perceived too, that it was exceeding broad, extending even to the lightest motion of the heart. The duties I was most averse from before were now easy, pleasant, and refreshing. I saw a peculiar beauty in those laws in particular that crossed the sins which had the firmest rooting in my temper. None were so hateful to me; for none did I loathe myself so much; none was I so glad of a victory over. My mind was continually engaged in contrivances for their ruin, which formerly, I still sought to spare. And would God have given me my choice, to have the laws against them blotted out, he knows I should not have chose it, and that I should have thought his law less pleasant and less perfect, had these prohibitions been wanting. I took pleasure in others only so far as there appeared in them any thing of an humble, self-denying conformity to his law, and had a fix’d dislike of the least inconformity thereto, either in myself or others. In a word I saw, that if I could reach holiness I should have pleasure, and peace, and liberty; that all wisdom’s ways, were ways of pleasantness; norwas any thing insupportable to me, but that remaining unsubdued corruption that would not stoop to put its neck under her yoke.*6. A fourth effect of it was a right sorrow for sin, flowing from a deep sense of my ingratitude, to provoke such a God, who had prevented and still followed me with so much mercy. And this sorrow filled my heart with love to God, and his way, sweetened my soul, and endeared God to it. And the more God manifested his kindness, the more it increased; when he was pacified, I was ashamed and confounded; nor was it a burdensome, but a sweet and pleasant sorrow, as being the exercise of filial gratitude. This sense of my unkindness, when kept within, covered me with blushes; and I was eased, when God allowed me to vent my sense of it, and to pour it, as it were into his bosom. It was likewise a spring of activity in the way of duty. I was glad to be employed in the meanest work, which might shew how deeply sensible I was of my former disobedience. It was not as my late sorrow, pregnant with pride, stiffness and unwillingness to suffer any chastisement; but it humbled, softened the soul, and made it willing tobear the indignation of the Lord, since I had sinn’d against him. In a word, I was glad when God gave me my measure of it, and grieved when I found it wanting, and I cried to the Prince exalted for it, as a necessary help to the obeying his whole law.7. A fifth effect of this light, was a comfortable hope of salvation, rising in strength, or growing more weak, as the discoveries of the way of salvation, were more or less clear and strong. I knew I could not fail of salvation, otherwise than by missing this way. Sometimes I doubted of myself, but not of the way; so far as I walked in it, I was sweetly satisfied that my expectation should not be cut off. And as this light shewed salvation in a way of self-denial, and trust only in the Lord, nothing so shook this hope, as the least stirring of pride. As this sight of the glory of the Lord always filled me with shame, so the deeper my humiliation the stronger was my confidence. And so far was this assurance from begetting negligence, that it could not consist with it. To intermit or neglect duty, razed the foundation, or at least, laid an insurmountable stop in the way of its progress.8. Many other effects there were, too long to repeat at large. I felt a new and formerly unknown, love to all who seemed to have any thing of the image of God, though known only by report; and this evidenced itself in prayer for them, and sympathy with them in their afflictions. Again, I found my care of all God’s concerns enlarged, and I desired more and more, that he might be exalted upon earth. I was grieved at any loss his interest sustained, and zealous for his glory. To conclude, I found this light sweetly drawing me to a willing, chearful endeavour after holiness in all manner of conversation.Thus were all things in some measure become new; and I who a little before, with the goaler, had fallen down trembling, was now raised, and set down to feast with the disciples of the Lord, rejoicing and believing.
Of his deliverance from these temptations.
*IT was in this extremity God stepped in; he found me wallowing in my blood, in a helpless and hopeless condition. I was quite overcome, neither able to fight nor fly, when the Lord passed by me, and made this time a time of love. Towards the beginning ofFebruary 1698, this seasonable relief came. I was then, as I remember, at secret prayer, when he discovered himself to me, when he let me see, that there areforgivenesses with him, and mercy, and plenteous redemption. He made all his goodness to pass, and he proclaimed his name, the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity, transgressionand sin; who will be gracious to whom he will be gracious, and will shew mercy to whom he will shew mercy.This was a strange sight to one who before looked on God only as a consuming fire, which I could not see and live. He brought me fromSinai, and its thundrings, to mountSion, and tothe blood which speaketh better things than that of Abel. I now with wonder beheld Christ in his glory,full of grace and truth. I saw that he, who had before rejected all my offerings, was well pleased in the Beloved, being fully satisfied, not only that there is forgiveness of sins, through the redemption which is in Jesus; but also, that God by this means might bejustinjustifyingeventhe ungodly that believe in him. How was I ravished with delight, to see that such mercy might consist even with his inflexible justice and spotless purity? And yet more, when he let me see, that to me, even to me, was the word of this salvation sent; that even I was invited tocome, andtake the water of life freely! Farther, he discovered to me his design in the whole, eventhat no flesh might glory in his sight: that he might manifest the riches of his grace, andbe exalted in shewing mercy. And when this strange discovery was made, of a relief which made full provision both for God’s glory and my salvation, my soul was sweetly carried out to rest in it, as worthy of God, and every way suited to my necessity.
2. All these discoveries were conveyed to me by his word: not indeed by one particular passage, but by the concurring light of many of its testimonies and promises, seasonably set home, and plainly expressing those truths; thus I found it to be the power of God unto salvation. But neither was it his word alone; for the same passages I had read before, and thought upon, without any relief; but now the Lord shined into my mind by them. Before this I knew the letter only, but now the words were spirit and life; a burning light by them shone into my mind, and gave me not merely some notional knowledge, but an experimentalknowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. *And vastly different this was from all the notions I had before of the same truths. It shone from heaven: it was not a spark kindled by my own endeavours, but it shone suddenly about me: it came by a heavenly means, the word; it opened heaven, and discovered heavenly things; and its whole tendency was heavenward. It was a true light, giving true manifestations of the one God, and the one Mediator between God and man, and a true view of my state with respect to God, not according to my foolish imaginations. It was a distinct and clear light, not only representing spiritual things, but manifesting them in their glory, and in their comely order. It set all things in their due line of subordination to God, and gave distinct views of their genuine tendency.It was a satisfying light; the soul absolutely rested upon the discoveries it made: it was assured of them; it could not doubt if it saw, or if the things were so as it represented them. It was a quickening, refreshing, healing light. It arose with healing in its wings. It was a powerful light; it dissipated that thick darkness which overspread my mind, and made all those frightful temptations, that before tormented me, instantly flee before it. Lastly, It was a composing light; it did not, like a flash of lightning, fill the soul with fear and amazement; but it quieted my mind, and gave me the full and free use of all my faculties. I need not give a large account of this light, for no words can give a notion of light to the blind; and he that has eyes, (at least, while he sees it) will need no words to describe it. Proceed we, then, to its fruits, whereby the difference of it from all my former light will most evidently appear.
3. The first effect of it was an approbation of God’s way of saving sinners by Jesus Christ; as a way of relief in all respects suitable to the needs of a poor, guilty, self-condemned, self-destroyed sinner, who is at length beat from all other reliefs, and hath his mouth entirely stopped before God. In this I rested as a way full of peace and comfort, and providing abundantly for all those ends I desired to have secured. And this approbation discovered itself ever after in all temptations, by keeping up inme a settled persuasion, thatGod hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. And when afterwards I was under temptations, it still kept me firm in an absolute determination utterly to reject all other ways of relief, whether I found present comfort in this or no. This was also my only sanctuary against guilt;let me be found in him, not having mine own righteousness. And whenever God gave me a fresh beam of this light, all difficulties vanish’d away; then I rejoiced in Christ Jesus, and nothing was able to disturb me while it lasted; and ever after I was then only pleased, when I found my soul, in some measure, moulded into a compliance with the design of the gospel, emptied of myself, subjected to God, and careful to have him alone exalted.
4. A second effect of this discovery was, my eye began to be single, looking in all things, to the glory of God. I now desired that he alone, (which before I had no real concern for) might be glorified in my life, or by my death. I saw that shame and confusion belonged to me and to him only the whole glory of my salvation. I watched over the most secret♦actings of pride, labouring to renounce it utterly, looking on it as my grand enemy, on which I was always to have an eye, and counting the power it still had, my greatest affliction. I never found comfort, but when this idol was discernably abased; and when ever this light shone in proportion to its clearness and continuance, the power of this wasweakened in my soul, and I sought not myself but Christ Jesus.
♦“actions” replaced with “actings” per Errata
♦“actions” replaced with “actings” per Errata
♦“actions” replaced with “actings” per Errata
5. A third effect of this light was with respect to his commandments, which I now saw werenot grievous, but right concerning all things. I own’d his yoke to be easy, and his burden light. Amidst all temptations I knew the law was holy, just and good; I perceived too, that it was exceeding broad, extending even to the lightest motion of the heart. The duties I was most averse from before were now easy, pleasant, and refreshing. I saw a peculiar beauty in those laws in particular that crossed the sins which had the firmest rooting in my temper. None were so hateful to me; for none did I loathe myself so much; none was I so glad of a victory over. My mind was continually engaged in contrivances for their ruin, which formerly, I still sought to spare. And would God have given me my choice, to have the laws against them blotted out, he knows I should not have chose it, and that I should have thought his law less pleasant and less perfect, had these prohibitions been wanting. I took pleasure in others only so far as there appeared in them any thing of an humble, self-denying conformity to his law, and had a fix’d dislike of the least inconformity thereto, either in myself or others. In a word I saw, that if I could reach holiness I should have pleasure, and peace, and liberty; that all wisdom’s ways, were ways of pleasantness; norwas any thing insupportable to me, but that remaining unsubdued corruption that would not stoop to put its neck under her yoke.
*6. A fourth effect of it was a right sorrow for sin, flowing from a deep sense of my ingratitude, to provoke such a God, who had prevented and still followed me with so much mercy. And this sorrow filled my heart with love to God, and his way, sweetened my soul, and endeared God to it. And the more God manifested his kindness, the more it increased; when he was pacified, I was ashamed and confounded; nor was it a burdensome, but a sweet and pleasant sorrow, as being the exercise of filial gratitude. This sense of my unkindness, when kept within, covered me with blushes; and I was eased, when God allowed me to vent my sense of it, and to pour it, as it were into his bosom. It was likewise a spring of activity in the way of duty. I was glad to be employed in the meanest work, which might shew how deeply sensible I was of my former disobedience. It was not as my late sorrow, pregnant with pride, stiffness and unwillingness to suffer any chastisement; but it humbled, softened the soul, and made it willing tobear the indignation of the Lord, since I had sinn’d against him. In a word, I was glad when God gave me my measure of it, and grieved when I found it wanting, and I cried to the Prince exalted for it, as a necessary help to the obeying his whole law.
7. A fifth effect of this light, was a comfortable hope of salvation, rising in strength, or growing more weak, as the discoveries of the way of salvation, were more or less clear and strong. I knew I could not fail of salvation, otherwise than by missing this way. Sometimes I doubted of myself, but not of the way; so far as I walked in it, I was sweetly satisfied that my expectation should not be cut off. And as this light shewed salvation in a way of self-denial, and trust only in the Lord, nothing so shook this hope, as the least stirring of pride. As this sight of the glory of the Lord always filled me with shame, so the deeper my humiliation the stronger was my confidence. And so far was this assurance from begetting negligence, that it could not consist with it. To intermit or neglect duty, razed the foundation, or at least, laid an insurmountable stop in the way of its progress.
8. Many other effects there were, too long to repeat at large. I felt a new and formerly unknown, love to all who seemed to have any thing of the image of God, though known only by report; and this evidenced itself in prayer for them, and sympathy with them in their afflictions. Again, I found my care of all God’s concerns enlarged, and I desired more and more, that he might be exalted upon earth. I was grieved at any loss his interest sustained, and zealous for his glory. To conclude, I found this light sweetly drawing me to a willing, chearful endeavour after holiness in all manner of conversation.Thus were all things in some measure become new; and I who a little before, with the goaler, had fallen down trembling, was now raised, and set down to feast with the disciples of the Lord, rejoicing and believing.
PARTIII.CHAPTERI.Of the pleasure of this state; the mistakes attending it, and the way of their discovery.1.THIS glorious discovery was very surprising: oft I stood and wonder’d what this strange sight meant. The greatness of the things God♦had done surpassed belief; and yet the effects would not suffer me to doubt of them. Not that I distinctly observed them at the very first; the glory of the Lord was then so great, that for a time I fixed my eyes on that, and was less intent on the change which it wrought in me. Again, I was the less exact in observing them then, because of the darkness still remaining in me. I clearly saw the mystery of free justification through Christ, and peace by his blood: but I was still sadly ignorant of many of the most important things relating even to that mystery: as the daily application of that atonement, andthe use of Christ with respect to sanctification, What therefore God did at this time I knew not now, but hereafter, when the Comforter had further instructed me in the gospel, as my exigencies required: then, at length, I saw distinctly the work of God, and what he had done for me.♦“hath” replaced with “had” per Errata2. This discovery could not but be full of ravishing sweetness, considering the state wherein it found me. I was condemned by God and my own conscience, and under pressing fears of a present execution of the sentence. When the labours of the day required that I should sleep, and my body wasted with the disquiet of my mind, yet I was afraid to close my eyes lest I should wake in hell, and durst not suffer myself to sleep, till I was beguiled into it I knew not how. Was it strange, that the hopes of pardon were sweet to one in such a condition, whereby I laid down in safety and quiet rest, while there was none to make me afraid? A little before, thewaters compassed me about, even to the soul! the deep closed me round about, I went down to the bottoms of the mountains, and said, I am cast out ofGod’ssight. Now, was it any wonder that such an one should rejoice, when brought into a garden of delights and set down under the refreshing rays of the sun of righteousness? And the things he discovered to me here were not only altogether new and such as I was utterly unacquainted with before;but also glorious in themselves. It was the glory of the Lord that shone round about me; and I saw suchthings as eye hath not seen, beside thee, OGod. In a word, what I saw was (what the angels desire to look into)the mystery of godliness, the wonders of God’s law, and theunsearchable riches of his mercy.3. This discovery was of longer continuance, and far brighter than any I have had since: it shone in its glory for ten days; nor was it quite gone for a long time after; and while it lasted, new discoveries were daily made. God carried me from one thing to another, and in this short space taught me more than I had learned by all my study in my whole life. Yea, he taught me the things I had learned before, in another, and quite different manner. Every day he instructed me out of the scriptures, walking and talking with me by the way, and opening them to me, which before was as a sealed book, wherein whatever I read was dark. Indeed all this time my mind was almost wholly taken up about spiritual things; and whatever occur’d in reading, meditation, converse, or daily observation, it (like a mold) cast into its own shape. All this while I was carried out to extraordinary diligence in duty. It was not as formerly, a burthen; but my heart was enlarged, so that I ran in the ways of God’s ordinances and commandments. And herein my soul often made me likethe chariots of Aminadab, not easily to be stopped; sometimesto the disgust of these who did not taste the same ravishing sweetness which I enjoyed. But the life of all was, that God, by keeping his glory continually in my eye, kept me humble and self-denied all this while: seeing him I loathed myself. Beholding his glory I wasin my own eyes as a grashopper, as nothing, less than nothing, and vanity. I gloried only in theLord,rejoiced inChrist Jesus,and had no confidence in the flesh.4. God had many gracious designs in this. I was sore broken and wounded, and he did this in tenderness; he bound up my wounds, he poured in oil, he made me a bed in my sickness. He watched me, and kept me from disturbance, till I was somewhat strengthened. I had been plunged into grievous and hard thoughts of him, as if he has forgotten to be gracious. Nor was I easily induced to believe good tidings; yea, though it was told me, I could not believe, till I had a clear sight of the waggons and provisions, and then my spirit revived. God in deep condescension, satisfied me that he was real, and had no pleasure in my death; and that the wound was not incurable, that it was not the wound of an enemy, or the stroke of a cruel one, but the wound of a friend in order to healing. He was now to make me sell all for that goodly pearl; and that I might be satisfied with my purchase, he let me see both what I was to leave, and what I was to obtain. Again, he knew what a wilderness I was to go through, and therefore fed me before I enteredinto it. Lastly, He designed to give me something which might be a stay in all succeeding trials. And often since, when my soul has been in heaviness, have I been cheared by the remembrance of it.5. But, alas! I understood not this: I fancied this world would last always; I talked of building tabernacles here, and knew not I was to come down from the mount, and that my Lord would depart from me again. I dreamed not of learning, or having occasion for war any more; I expected no more to fight with my corruptions, but thought the enemies, which appeared not were dead, and that the “Egyptianswere all drowned in the sea.” Accordingly I projected to tie myself up to such a bent, and to stint myself to such a method of living, as neither our circumstances and temptations, nor our duty in this world allows of. I could not endure to read those books which were really necessary to be read, and all the time I spent in them seemed lost. Yea, I began to grudge the time which my body absolutely required for sleep or other refreshments. Thus the devil secretly drove from one extreme to the other, knowing well, that I should not rest here, and that he could easily throw me back from this into the first, of assuming too great a latitude. I began likewise to reckon this enlargement of heart as my due, and as more mine own than it really was. And I looked on the stock I already hadas sufficient to carry me through all my difficulties; and saw not, that the grace, which was sufficient for me, was yet in the Lord’s hand.6. But now God began to undeceive me; he gave me a thorn in the flesh to humble me, and a messenger of Satan was sent to buffet me, who soon made me feel the fury of his temptations. Hereupon I fell into deep perplexity; I began to question the truth of former manifestations, to doubt of my own perseverance; yea, sometimes to quarrel secretly with God, as if he had beguiled me. I tried many ways, to escape; I thought upon God; I complained to him; I sought for the causes of my affliction;I essay’d to shake myself, and to go forthto dutyas before; but alas! the Lord was departed from me; and the enemy,which lay in my bosom, haddiscovered my secret, and shorn me of my strength.7. Yet I could not but see, when I recovered myself a little, after the violence of my conflict, that things were better with me now at my worst case, than formerly at my best. God frequently shewed me something of his power and glory; he open’d a scripture, and made my heart burn within me, or unfolded my case, and told me all that was in my heart; or let me see my desire upon my enemies. Sometimes he gave me access unto him, and made me come even to his seat, and pour out my heart before him. And when at the lowest, I was otherwise affected to Christ than before; my soul still longed afterhim; I essay’d to stretch out the withered hand, and wished for the command that would impower me to lay hold of him. I refused to go any where else, but resolved to wait on him, and to trust in him, even though he should slay me. And as to his law, though I could not run in it, my will was still toward it; I had no quarrel to it, but to myself; I breathed after conformity with it; I delighted therein after the inward man. And as to sin, though I was sometimes driven to it, this was just such a forced consent as before I gave to the law. Though it prevailed, my heart was not with it as before; I found another sort of opposition to it; and if ever it gained a victory, I was the more enraged against it. Lastly, This coldness was now a preternatural state: I cried daily,When wilt thou receive me? I loathed myself for it; I could not rest in it; I wearied myself with essaying to break my prison: I looked back to former seasons, and said,O that it were with me as in months past!
PARTIII.
Of the pleasure of this state; the mistakes attending it, and the way of their discovery.
1.THIS glorious discovery was very surprising: oft I stood and wonder’d what this strange sight meant. The greatness of the things God♦had done surpassed belief; and yet the effects would not suffer me to doubt of them. Not that I distinctly observed them at the very first; the glory of the Lord was then so great, that for a time I fixed my eyes on that, and was less intent on the change which it wrought in me. Again, I was the less exact in observing them then, because of the darkness still remaining in me. I clearly saw the mystery of free justification through Christ, and peace by his blood: but I was still sadly ignorant of many of the most important things relating even to that mystery: as the daily application of that atonement, andthe use of Christ with respect to sanctification, What therefore God did at this time I knew not now, but hereafter, when the Comforter had further instructed me in the gospel, as my exigencies required: then, at length, I saw distinctly the work of God, and what he had done for me.
♦“hath” replaced with “had” per Errata
♦“hath” replaced with “had” per Errata
♦“hath” replaced with “had” per Errata
2. This discovery could not but be full of ravishing sweetness, considering the state wherein it found me. I was condemned by God and my own conscience, and under pressing fears of a present execution of the sentence. When the labours of the day required that I should sleep, and my body wasted with the disquiet of my mind, yet I was afraid to close my eyes lest I should wake in hell, and durst not suffer myself to sleep, till I was beguiled into it I knew not how. Was it strange, that the hopes of pardon were sweet to one in such a condition, whereby I laid down in safety and quiet rest, while there was none to make me afraid? A little before, thewaters compassed me about, even to the soul! the deep closed me round about, I went down to the bottoms of the mountains, and said, I am cast out ofGod’ssight. Now, was it any wonder that such an one should rejoice, when brought into a garden of delights and set down under the refreshing rays of the sun of righteousness? And the things he discovered to me here were not only altogether new and such as I was utterly unacquainted with before;but also glorious in themselves. It was the glory of the Lord that shone round about me; and I saw suchthings as eye hath not seen, beside thee, OGod. In a word, what I saw was (what the angels desire to look into)the mystery of godliness, the wonders of God’s law, and theunsearchable riches of his mercy.
3. This discovery was of longer continuance, and far brighter than any I have had since: it shone in its glory for ten days; nor was it quite gone for a long time after; and while it lasted, new discoveries were daily made. God carried me from one thing to another, and in this short space taught me more than I had learned by all my study in my whole life. Yea, he taught me the things I had learned before, in another, and quite different manner. Every day he instructed me out of the scriptures, walking and talking with me by the way, and opening them to me, which before was as a sealed book, wherein whatever I read was dark. Indeed all this time my mind was almost wholly taken up about spiritual things; and whatever occur’d in reading, meditation, converse, or daily observation, it (like a mold) cast into its own shape. All this while I was carried out to extraordinary diligence in duty. It was not as formerly, a burthen; but my heart was enlarged, so that I ran in the ways of God’s ordinances and commandments. And herein my soul often made me likethe chariots of Aminadab, not easily to be stopped; sometimesto the disgust of these who did not taste the same ravishing sweetness which I enjoyed. But the life of all was, that God, by keeping his glory continually in my eye, kept me humble and self-denied all this while: seeing him I loathed myself. Beholding his glory I wasin my own eyes as a grashopper, as nothing, less than nothing, and vanity. I gloried only in theLord,rejoiced inChrist Jesus,and had no confidence in the flesh.
4. God had many gracious designs in this. I was sore broken and wounded, and he did this in tenderness; he bound up my wounds, he poured in oil, he made me a bed in my sickness. He watched me, and kept me from disturbance, till I was somewhat strengthened. I had been plunged into grievous and hard thoughts of him, as if he has forgotten to be gracious. Nor was I easily induced to believe good tidings; yea, though it was told me, I could not believe, till I had a clear sight of the waggons and provisions, and then my spirit revived. God in deep condescension, satisfied me that he was real, and had no pleasure in my death; and that the wound was not incurable, that it was not the wound of an enemy, or the stroke of a cruel one, but the wound of a friend in order to healing. He was now to make me sell all for that goodly pearl; and that I might be satisfied with my purchase, he let me see both what I was to leave, and what I was to obtain. Again, he knew what a wilderness I was to go through, and therefore fed me before I enteredinto it. Lastly, He designed to give me something which might be a stay in all succeeding trials. And often since, when my soul has been in heaviness, have I been cheared by the remembrance of it.
5. But, alas! I understood not this: I fancied this world would last always; I talked of building tabernacles here, and knew not I was to come down from the mount, and that my Lord would depart from me again. I dreamed not of learning, or having occasion for war any more; I expected no more to fight with my corruptions, but thought the enemies, which appeared not were dead, and that the “Egyptianswere all drowned in the sea.” Accordingly I projected to tie myself up to such a bent, and to stint myself to such a method of living, as neither our circumstances and temptations, nor our duty in this world allows of. I could not endure to read those books which were really necessary to be read, and all the time I spent in them seemed lost. Yea, I began to grudge the time which my body absolutely required for sleep or other refreshments. Thus the devil secretly drove from one extreme to the other, knowing well, that I should not rest here, and that he could easily throw me back from this into the first, of assuming too great a latitude. I began likewise to reckon this enlargement of heart as my due, and as more mine own than it really was. And I looked on the stock I already hadas sufficient to carry me through all my difficulties; and saw not, that the grace, which was sufficient for me, was yet in the Lord’s hand.
6. But now God began to undeceive me; he gave me a thorn in the flesh to humble me, and a messenger of Satan was sent to buffet me, who soon made me feel the fury of his temptations. Hereupon I fell into deep perplexity; I began to question the truth of former manifestations, to doubt of my own perseverance; yea, sometimes to quarrel secretly with God, as if he had beguiled me. I tried many ways, to escape; I thought upon God; I complained to him; I sought for the causes of my affliction;I essay’d to shake myself, and to go forthto dutyas before; but alas! the Lord was departed from me; and the enemy,which lay in my bosom, haddiscovered my secret, and shorn me of my strength.
7. Yet I could not but see, when I recovered myself a little, after the violence of my conflict, that things were better with me now at my worst case, than formerly at my best. God frequently shewed me something of his power and glory; he open’d a scripture, and made my heart burn within me, or unfolded my case, and told me all that was in my heart; or let me see my desire upon my enemies. Sometimes he gave me access unto him, and made me come even to his seat, and pour out my heart before him. And when at the lowest, I was otherwise affected to Christ than before; my soul still longed afterhim; I essay’d to stretch out the withered hand, and wished for the command that would impower me to lay hold of him. I refused to go any where else, but resolved to wait on him, and to trust in him, even though he should slay me. And as to his law, though I could not run in it, my will was still toward it; I had no quarrel to it, but to myself; I breathed after conformity with it; I delighted therein after the inward man. And as to sin, though I was sometimes driven to it, this was just such a forced consent as before I gave to the law. Though it prevailed, my heart was not with it as before; I found another sort of opposition to it; and if ever it gained a victory, I was the more enraged against it. Lastly, This coldness was now a preternatural state: I cried daily,When wilt thou receive me? I loathed myself for it; I could not rest in it; I wearied myself with essaying to break my prison: I looked back to former seasons, and said,O that it were with me as in months past!
CHAPTERII.Of his fresh strugglings with sin; its victories; and the cause of them, and God’s goodness with respect to this trial.1.FINDING my enemies had gained great advantage over me, by the security intowhich I was fallen, though I was unwilling to fight, yet upon their appearance I tried what weapons would be most successful. I objected to them, that now I was engaged to the Lord; I reasoned with them: I prayed against them. Nor could I then see, whence it was that they prevailed: but God hath since shewn me several reasons of it. I laid too much stress on the grace I had already received; I was not sufficiently watchful: the enemy put me on vain work; where the sin lay not in the thing itself, but in the degree of it, there he set me upon renouncing it in the gross, and rooting out what was in itself lawful. Of this I had many instances with respect to my passions, and worldly employments, and converse with sinful people. I still neglected some means of God’s appointment, under pretence of difficulties and inconveniences, and so prevented his blessing upon the rest. I was sometimes not single in my aims: I wanted a victory which would ease me of the trouble of watchfulness, I was weary of a fighting life, and desired to conquer, that I might be at rest. Lastly, when I was not quickly heard, I did not persevere in prayer, forgrace to help in time of need.2. Yet was God even then exceeding merciful to me: he kept me from giving quite over: when I had many times gone furthest into temptations, yet he came in with seasonable help; and frequently, when I was hard prest, he so cleared up to me my own sincerity, as emboldened meto appeal to him, which left me at liberty, under this new encouragement, vigorously to oppose all my enemies.3. And God has since let me see, what gracious designs he carried on by these trials. Hereby he taught me, that all Christians must be soldiers; that our security as to future temptations does not lie in grace already received, but in having our way open to the throne of grace; that God deals it out in the proper seasons, whereof he alone is able to judge;¹that the covenant of grace doth not promise entire freedom from sins of infirmity, nor even from wilful sins, otherwise than in the constant, as well as careful use, of all the means which he hath appointed. Hereby too he let me see, how displeased he was for my cleaving to sin so long. The sins that now frequently cast me down were those I sought to spare before. God cried often to me, to part with them, and I would not hear; and now God would not hear when I cried against them. Hereby also he discovered the riches of that forgiveness that is with him, that it reaches sins of all sorts, multiplied relapses not excepted. He that requires us to forgive seventy times seven, will not do less himself. And finally, he fitted me hereby to compassionate, and to comfort others also who were tempted.¹See thepreface.4. During all this time, besides sins of infirmity, my corruptions did sometimes bear me downto relapses, both into omissions of duties, and commission of known sins. And these being sins against light, love, and all sorts of engagements, lay heavy upon my conscience. I was much perplexed about them, my bones were broken, my spirit wounded exceedingly.5. At some times, indeed, I was for a whilehardened by the deceitfulness of sin, and senseless; at other times my heart instantly smote me, and I was immediately after my fall stirred up to the exercise of repentance. But sooner or later God set my sins in order before me, either by some outward or inward affliction (often so remarkably chosen, that the sin was wrote upon the punishment) or by his word, or his holy Spirit in his ordinances, which told me all that I had done.6. Then was my soul troubled with fear and shame, and a sense of his anger, by which Satan often sought to drive me to despair. But God graciously brake the force of this temptation, sometimes by distant discoveries of forgiveness; sometimes by reminding me of his former kindness, or shewing me the fatal issue of casting away my confidence. *And when the temptation was most violently urged, I thought it no time to dispute, but allowed the worst the tempter could suggest, and then laid my case, in all its aggravations, to the extensive promises of the covenant. “Be it granted, said I, that I am but an hypocrite: that I never obtained pardon: that I am the chief of sinners; that my sinshave such aggravations as the sins of no other man ever had;” yetthe blood ofChristcleanseth from all sin, and he came to save the chief of sinners.*7. When I had got thus far, I got up again as I could, and sought him in all the duties of his appointment. Nor was it long (if I humbly and patiently continued in this way) before I found him, as at the first. He set my sin, in all its aggravations, before me; he led me up to original sin, the source of all: he cut off all excuses, and left me self-convicted, owning that any punishment on this side hell would be mercy. Then he stepped in, and made a gracious discovery ofthe fountain opened for sin, and for uncleanness. He drew my soul to close with, and with trembling to lay stress upon it. Having by this look drawn my eyes to look at him again, while I looked, my soul melted into tears; my heart, before bound up, was loosed; and my lips, before closed, were opened. While he thus answered me, and I could scarce believe the news,he created peace by the fruit of his lips, and as it were forced it upon my soul, andshed abroad his love in my heart.8. Before I conclude this head, I must observe, 1. That sometimes this work was wrought gradually; sometimes all at once, and in a moment. 2. Sometimes I sought peace long before I obtained it; sometimes God surprized me immediately upon my sin, before I had thoughtin the least what I had done, and gave me such a look as made me weep bitterly. And when it was thus, it pierced through my soul, filling me with the deepest loathing of my♦sin, and the highest wonder at the riches, freedom, and astonishing sovereignty of his grace.♦“soul” replaced with “sin” per Errata9. There was a great difference as to the continuance of these impressions, and likewise as to the degrees of them. At some times, my convictions and humiliations were deeper, and my faith and hope far clearer than at others. But amidst all these accidental differences, the substance of the work was always the same. I would observe, lastly, That the most terrible enemies are not the most dangerous. While I was attacked by plain sins, I was easily convinced and alarmed at them, which was attended with all these happy effects; whereas I have been since assaulted by less discernible evils, sins under the mask of duties; and these secretly devour the strength, and are♦with difficulty discovered in their exceeding sinfulness.♦inserted word “with” per Errata*I must not pass over without notice, that when I first felt forgiveness of sins, I was much exercised with, and troubled for, sins of infirmity and daily incursion: of this I shall give a more distinct account. 1. When God manifested himself, his enemies fled before him: they received a stunning stroke, and vanished away at the brightness of his appearing. He, for a time bore down corruption, chained up Satan, andkept me from any, the least disturbance from them. 2. It was some time before my stronger enemies appeared again; presumptuous sins did not soon approach me; I first found the remaining power of sin only by the invasion of sins of daily infirmity, particularly deadness in prayer. 3. Hereupon I began to be much discouraged, neither understanding my present state, nor the provision made for the case in the covenant of grace, by a daily application of the blood of♦atonement. 4. When my fond expectation was disappointed, I at first essayed to humble myself distinctly for each of these transgressions. But finding my whole time would not suffice for this, I was obliged to go with them all at once, and plunge into the fountain opened for sin, and for uncleanness. I took a view of myself defiled by innumerable evils, and under a sense of them cast myself on the glorious atonement, and relied for the cleansing me from them all on that blood which cleanseth from all sin. 5. To clear this matter yet further, I observe, that the light which first discovered this plenteous redemption, tho’ variously clouded, yet was never quite lost. A child of light is never in utter darkness. He has, indeed, a summer’s sun, that shines longer, brighter, and warmer; and his winter’s sun, which shines more faintly. He has fair and rainy days; he has a changeable intercourse of day and night: but light more or less, there is always.♦“attonement” replaced with “atonement”10. Upon the whole, we may remark, 1. That we may heal our wounds slightly; but it is God’s prerogative to speak solid peace. 2. That considering our unbelief, and pride of heart, it is not easy to win a sinner to believe, that the forgiveness, which is with God, is able to answer all necessities. And when the soul is in some measure satisfied with this and willing to come to God daily for grace and mercy, it is not easy to keep up either a due abhorrence of sin, or a due sense of that boundless mercy. *Yea, here lies one of the greatest secrets of practical godliness, and the highest attainment in close walking with God, to come daily and wash, and yet retain as high a value for this discovery of forgiveness, as if it were only to be had once, and no more. The more we see of it, the more, doubtless, we ought to value it; whereas on the contrary, unless the utmost care be used, our hearts turn formal, and count it a common thing. I observe,♦3. That the joy of the Lord is then only to be retained, when we walk tenderly and circumspectly: being inconsistent not only with any gross sin, but with any remissness of behaviour. And, lastly, That when I was at the lowest ebb, I have often recovered myself by thankfulness. If you ask, What I had then to be thankful for? I answer, I began thus: “What a mercy is it I am out of hell! Blessed be the Lord for this.” Again: “What a mercy is it, that he hath given me to see, and thank him for that mercy!Blessed be the Lord for this likewise.” And thus I have gone on, till he hath led me to a sense of his love, and restored comfort to my soul.♦“5.” replaced with “3.”
Of his fresh strugglings with sin; its victories; and the cause of them, and God’s goodness with respect to this trial.
1.FINDING my enemies had gained great advantage over me, by the security intowhich I was fallen, though I was unwilling to fight, yet upon their appearance I tried what weapons would be most successful. I objected to them, that now I was engaged to the Lord; I reasoned with them: I prayed against them. Nor could I then see, whence it was that they prevailed: but God hath since shewn me several reasons of it. I laid too much stress on the grace I had already received; I was not sufficiently watchful: the enemy put me on vain work; where the sin lay not in the thing itself, but in the degree of it, there he set me upon renouncing it in the gross, and rooting out what was in itself lawful. Of this I had many instances with respect to my passions, and worldly employments, and converse with sinful people. I still neglected some means of God’s appointment, under pretence of difficulties and inconveniences, and so prevented his blessing upon the rest. I was sometimes not single in my aims: I wanted a victory which would ease me of the trouble of watchfulness, I was weary of a fighting life, and desired to conquer, that I might be at rest. Lastly, when I was not quickly heard, I did not persevere in prayer, forgrace to help in time of need.
2. Yet was God even then exceeding merciful to me: he kept me from giving quite over: when I had many times gone furthest into temptations, yet he came in with seasonable help; and frequently, when I was hard prest, he so cleared up to me my own sincerity, as emboldened meto appeal to him, which left me at liberty, under this new encouragement, vigorously to oppose all my enemies.
3. And God has since let me see, what gracious designs he carried on by these trials. Hereby he taught me, that all Christians must be soldiers; that our security as to future temptations does not lie in grace already received, but in having our way open to the throne of grace; that God deals it out in the proper seasons, whereof he alone is able to judge;¹that the covenant of grace doth not promise entire freedom from sins of infirmity, nor even from wilful sins, otherwise than in the constant, as well as careful use, of all the means which he hath appointed. Hereby too he let me see, how displeased he was for my cleaving to sin so long. The sins that now frequently cast me down were those I sought to spare before. God cried often to me, to part with them, and I would not hear; and now God would not hear when I cried against them. Hereby also he discovered the riches of that forgiveness that is with him, that it reaches sins of all sorts, multiplied relapses not excepted. He that requires us to forgive seventy times seven, will not do less himself. And finally, he fitted me hereby to compassionate, and to comfort others also who were tempted.
¹See thepreface.
¹See thepreface.
¹See thepreface.
4. During all this time, besides sins of infirmity, my corruptions did sometimes bear me downto relapses, both into omissions of duties, and commission of known sins. And these being sins against light, love, and all sorts of engagements, lay heavy upon my conscience. I was much perplexed about them, my bones were broken, my spirit wounded exceedingly.
5. At some times, indeed, I was for a whilehardened by the deceitfulness of sin, and senseless; at other times my heart instantly smote me, and I was immediately after my fall stirred up to the exercise of repentance. But sooner or later God set my sins in order before me, either by some outward or inward affliction (often so remarkably chosen, that the sin was wrote upon the punishment) or by his word, or his holy Spirit in his ordinances, which told me all that I had done.
6. Then was my soul troubled with fear and shame, and a sense of his anger, by which Satan often sought to drive me to despair. But God graciously brake the force of this temptation, sometimes by distant discoveries of forgiveness; sometimes by reminding me of his former kindness, or shewing me the fatal issue of casting away my confidence. *And when the temptation was most violently urged, I thought it no time to dispute, but allowed the worst the tempter could suggest, and then laid my case, in all its aggravations, to the extensive promises of the covenant. “Be it granted, said I, that I am but an hypocrite: that I never obtained pardon: that I am the chief of sinners; that my sinshave such aggravations as the sins of no other man ever had;” yetthe blood ofChristcleanseth from all sin, and he came to save the chief of sinners.
*7. When I had got thus far, I got up again as I could, and sought him in all the duties of his appointment. Nor was it long (if I humbly and patiently continued in this way) before I found him, as at the first. He set my sin, in all its aggravations, before me; he led me up to original sin, the source of all: he cut off all excuses, and left me self-convicted, owning that any punishment on this side hell would be mercy. Then he stepped in, and made a gracious discovery ofthe fountain opened for sin, and for uncleanness. He drew my soul to close with, and with trembling to lay stress upon it. Having by this look drawn my eyes to look at him again, while I looked, my soul melted into tears; my heart, before bound up, was loosed; and my lips, before closed, were opened. While he thus answered me, and I could scarce believe the news,he created peace by the fruit of his lips, and as it were forced it upon my soul, andshed abroad his love in my heart.
8. Before I conclude this head, I must observe, 1. That sometimes this work was wrought gradually; sometimes all at once, and in a moment. 2. Sometimes I sought peace long before I obtained it; sometimes God surprized me immediately upon my sin, before I had thoughtin the least what I had done, and gave me such a look as made me weep bitterly. And when it was thus, it pierced through my soul, filling me with the deepest loathing of my♦sin, and the highest wonder at the riches, freedom, and astonishing sovereignty of his grace.
♦“soul” replaced with “sin” per Errata
♦“soul” replaced with “sin” per Errata
♦“soul” replaced with “sin” per Errata
9. There was a great difference as to the continuance of these impressions, and likewise as to the degrees of them. At some times, my convictions and humiliations were deeper, and my faith and hope far clearer than at others. But amidst all these accidental differences, the substance of the work was always the same. I would observe, lastly, That the most terrible enemies are not the most dangerous. While I was attacked by plain sins, I was easily convinced and alarmed at them, which was attended with all these happy effects; whereas I have been since assaulted by less discernible evils, sins under the mask of duties; and these secretly devour the strength, and are♦with difficulty discovered in their exceeding sinfulness.
♦inserted word “with” per Errata
♦inserted word “with” per Errata
♦inserted word “with” per Errata
*I must not pass over without notice, that when I first felt forgiveness of sins, I was much exercised with, and troubled for, sins of infirmity and daily incursion: of this I shall give a more distinct account. 1. When God manifested himself, his enemies fled before him: they received a stunning stroke, and vanished away at the brightness of his appearing. He, for a time bore down corruption, chained up Satan, andkept me from any, the least disturbance from them. 2. It was some time before my stronger enemies appeared again; presumptuous sins did not soon approach me; I first found the remaining power of sin only by the invasion of sins of daily infirmity, particularly deadness in prayer. 3. Hereupon I began to be much discouraged, neither understanding my present state, nor the provision made for the case in the covenant of grace, by a daily application of the blood of♦atonement. 4. When my fond expectation was disappointed, I at first essayed to humble myself distinctly for each of these transgressions. But finding my whole time would not suffice for this, I was obliged to go with them all at once, and plunge into the fountain opened for sin, and for uncleanness. I took a view of myself defiled by innumerable evils, and under a sense of them cast myself on the glorious atonement, and relied for the cleansing me from them all on that blood which cleanseth from all sin. 5. To clear this matter yet further, I observe, that the light which first discovered this plenteous redemption, tho’ variously clouded, yet was never quite lost. A child of light is never in utter darkness. He has, indeed, a summer’s sun, that shines longer, brighter, and warmer; and his winter’s sun, which shines more faintly. He has fair and rainy days; he has a changeable intercourse of day and night: but light more or less, there is always.
♦“attonement” replaced with “atonement”
♦“attonement” replaced with “atonement”
♦“attonement” replaced with “atonement”
10. Upon the whole, we may remark, 1. That we may heal our wounds slightly; but it is God’s prerogative to speak solid peace. 2. That considering our unbelief, and pride of heart, it is not easy to win a sinner to believe, that the forgiveness, which is with God, is able to answer all necessities. And when the soul is in some measure satisfied with this and willing to come to God daily for grace and mercy, it is not easy to keep up either a due abhorrence of sin, or a due sense of that boundless mercy. *Yea, here lies one of the greatest secrets of practical godliness, and the highest attainment in close walking with God, to come daily and wash, and yet retain as high a value for this discovery of forgiveness, as if it were only to be had once, and no more. The more we see of it, the more, doubtless, we ought to value it; whereas on the contrary, unless the utmost care be used, our hearts turn formal, and count it a common thing. I observe,♦3. That the joy of the Lord is then only to be retained, when we walk tenderly and circumspectly: being inconsistent not only with any gross sin, but with any remissness of behaviour. And, lastly, That when I was at the lowest ebb, I have often recovered myself by thankfulness. If you ask, What I had then to be thankful for? I answer, I began thus: “What a mercy is it I am out of hell! Blessed be the Lord for this.” Again: “What a mercy is it, that he hath given me to see, and thank him for that mercy!Blessed be the Lord for this likewise.” And thus I have gone on, till he hath led me to a sense of his love, and restored comfort to my soul.
♦“5.” replaced with “3.”
♦“5.” replaced with “3.”
♦“5.” replaced with “3.”