CHAPTERIV.

CHAPTERIV.Of his forsaking the church ofRome.AVARIETY of incidents contributed to this part of his conduct. He was first deeply concerned about the weighty affair of his own salvation; and then began to think seriously of the influence which his religious connexions might have thereon, which prepared him for attending to whatever he at any time either read, or had spoken to him on this head.That which outwardly contributed most thereto was the instance of his brother, of whom he had learnedLatin. “A man (to use his own words) of tolerable learning, and designed for a Popish priest. But seeing many errors among them, he renounced popery.”About the eighteenth year of his age, while he was a strict observer of the Romish church, this brother (whose relinquishing it was some years before) began frequently to discourse with him concerning the principles of theRomanists. But “I strenuously (says he) though ignorantly withstood him; alledging in my defence the traditions and canons of the church, while he, on the contrary, appealedto the law, and to the testimony. He often said to me, My brother why do you not read God’s word? Lay aside prejudice, and let us reason together.”“To the same purpose spake another person in the neighbourhood, oneMr.Philip Geyer, a Protestant, and well versed in controversy.Mr.Walsh, you are a sober young man (so indeed I was generally thought to be, though God knows I was drunk with enmity against him) and what pity it is that you do not read the holy scriptures? Why will you suffer yourself to be deceived by thePopeand his fraternity.”Reasonings of this kind, which were occasionally made use of with him from time to time, together with hearing the scriptures frequently read in his brother’s school, put him at length upon a diligent consideration of both sides of the question. But as it generally happens in like cases, an attachment to old sentiments, the prejudices of education, shame, or fear of man, with a variety of other considerations, kept him for some time in strong suspense. His breastwas moved with contrary, and therefore conflicting passions. He revolved in his mind, and rejected many a thought on the head, and again resumed and embraced them. Thus haltingbetween two opinions, he complains of the “Corruption of his heart and prejudice of his education, which were as smoke upon his soul, so dimming his understanding that he could see nothing clearly.”“I had (continues he) a custom of repeating frequently as I walked by the way, some prayers, or articles of faith which I had learned in my childhood. And walking one day inSeptember, 1748, in a pleasant field, I was ruminating deeply on what my opponents urged against the doctrine of the church ofRome. I said in my heart—Perhaps all is not right. Peradventure I have been imposed upon. But then how shall I know? How can I be certainly assured whether the priest has led me in the right way?—Immediately it♦occurred to my mind, that on God alone, I could safely venture my salvation, and that without doubt, he would lead me by his counsel, if I asked wisdom of him.”♦“occurrd” replaced with “occurred”“Then I cried unto the Lord God, and said—All things are known to thee, and thou seest that I want to worship thee aright. Shew me the way wherein I ought to go, nor suffer me to be deceived by men.”The Lord who apprehended, and instructedSaul, when he enquired of him in astonishment,What wilt thou have me to do?¹Attended to, and answered his prayer; which he did not cease then, to pour out before him.The Father of lights, and the giver of wisdom to all that ask it, did, according to the adorable methods of his working, instruct and determine his choice in this particular.¹Actsix.To this time and occasion may be referred what he has more than once told me, determined him with respect to the Popish doctrine of merit, and had much influence on his entirely renouncing the communion of that church: namely, the deep impression on his mind of those words ofSt.Paul,If righteousness come by the law, thenChristis dead in vain. This passage he assured me he had not remembered ever to have read, or heard; and that afterwards, when he met with it (Galatiansii.21.) it was to him like life from the dead. Truly, O God,Thy word is a light, and by taking heed thereto, thisyoung man’s way was cleansed.Soon after this, he resolved to stand no longer in desponding hesitation, halting between two opinions. “Therefore, (says he) going to my brother and the other persons who used to converse with me on this head, and providentially meeting the two principal ones together, I determined now, once for all, either to convince, or be convinced by them; for I had an unfeigned desire to save my soul.”“Proposing therefore my design, they desired me to bring a bible, and with itNelson’s feasts, and fasts of the church of England. Accordingly, we began reading, and conversing, and continued together till midnight.” The result of which was, he now determined no longer to resist conviction. “I was (says he) constrained to give place to the light of truth. It was so convincing that I had nothing more to say. I at length confessed the weakness of my former reasonings, and the strength of those which were opposed to me!”“About one o’clock in the morning I retired to my lodging, and according to my usual custom went to prayer: but now, only to the God of heaven, I no more prayed to any angel or spirit. For I am deeply persuaded thatthere is♦but oneGod,and one Mediator betweenGodand man, even the man Christ Jesus. Therefore I resolved no longer to suffer any man to beguile me in a voluntary humility, in worshiping either saints or angels.¹These latter I considered as they are represented,Ministring spirits sent forth to minister for them who shall be heirs of salvation.²But with regard to any worship being paid to them, one of themselves said,See thou do it not, worshipGod.³God only.♦“b” replaced with “but”¹Colossiansii.18.²Hebrewsi.14.³Revelationxix.10.“All my sophisms on this head were entirely overthrown by a few hours candid reading the holy scriptures, which now became asa lanternto my feet, and a lamp to my paths, directing me in the way wherein I should go. I could see no manner of authority either in the old Testament or the new for invocating any saint, or apostle whatsoever. God, the triune God, is, alone, the proper object of prayer, and of all divine worship.” He is likewisea jealousGod (Exodusxx.5.) and will not give his glory to another, before his glorious Majesty the hosts of heaven,angels and authorities, principalities and powers, thrones and dominions, vailing their faces, fall down in lowly prostrations, while they adore him (whom all should adore!) that sitteth upon the throne, and the Lamb, that liveth for ever♦and ever.”♦omitted word “and” suppliedNot many days after, he fell into discourse with his father on the head, and informed him, that he was minded to forsake the church ofRome, being clearly convinced she was not that infallible, or pure church he once esteemed her, “but rather (to use his words) an harlot, who had committed spiritual and vile adultery. My father (adds he) was much provoked, and produced his strong reasons to overthrow all I had said. I dared not but listen to him, which I did with much attention. But the more he argued, the more was I confirmed in my former resolution.”Being now fully satisfied, and deliberately determined, he resolved to omit no becoming method of testifying the same. And accordingly (having no temporal interest to serve thereby, asmay be undeniably plain to every one) he, without farther delay, publickly and in form, renounced his former communion; abjured the errors of the church ofRome, and thence forward regularly attended the service of the church ofEngland.He was greatly delighted with the prayers. (As was,St.Austinat his first attendance, with the service of the Church in general.Confess., book 9, chapter 6. His heart melted with divine sweetness, and his eyes flowed down with tears of love.) A certain providence seemed to direct the very matter of the first sermon which he heard there. “The first text (says he) I heard preached on at church, wasHe that believeth and is baptized, shall be saved: but he that believeth not, shall be damned, (Markxvi.16.)“Yet, alas! How little did I know of believing? Being taught, and accustomed to call by the name of faith, the peculiar principles of the church ofRome. But I have now learned a better lesson, and know thatrightlyto believe, is one of the greatest things in the world.”“And now that I have left the church ofRome, I nevertheless declare that I think there are many sincere souls among them. For I bear them witness, that they have a zeal for God, tho’ not according to knowledge. Many of them have justice, mercy, and truth; and may (notwithstanding many errors in sentiment, and therefore in practice, thro’ invincible ignorance) sinceas is God’s majesty, so is his mercy, be dealt with accordingly.”There have been doubtless, and still are among them, some burning and shining lights; persons who (whatever their particular sentiments may be) are devoted to the service of Jesus Christ, according as their light and opportunities admit. And in reality, whateveropinionspeople may hold, they are most approved of God, whose tempers and behaviour correspond most with the model of his holy word. This however, can be no justification of avowed unscriptural tenets, such, as has been often proved, are many of those of the church ofRome.“It may be asked then, ‘Why did I leave their communion, since I thought so favourably of them:’ I answer, because I was abundantly convinced, thatas a church, they have erred from theright way, and adulterated the truths of God with the inventions and traditions of men; which the scriptures, and even celebrated writers of themselves abundantly testify. God is my witness herein, that the sole motive which induced me to leave them, was an unfeigned desire to know the way of God more perfectly, in order to the salvation of my soul. For altho’ I then felt, and do yet feel my heart to be as the prophet speaks,deceitful, and desperately wickedwith regard to God; yet I was sincere in my reformation, having from the holy Spirit an earnestdesire to save my soul, and prepare to meet my God.“If it should be still asked, ‘But could I not be saved, supposing I had never left the church ofRome?’ I answer, If I had never known the truth of the scriptures concerning the way of salvation, nor been convinced that their principles were anti-scriptural, then I think I might have been saved in her communion, the merciful God making allowance for my invincible ignorance. But now, since God hath enlightened my mind, and given me to seethe truth as it is inJesus, if I had still continued a member of the church ofRome, I could not have been saved.“With regard to others, I say nothing. I know thatevery man must bear his own burden, and give an account of himself toGod. To their own master, both they and I must stand or fall. But love however, and tender compassion for their souls, constrain me to pour out a prayer to God in their behalf.“All souls are thine, O Lord God, and thou willestallto come to the knowledge of the truth and be saved. For this end thou did give thy only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him, might not perish, but have everlasting life. I beseech thee therefore O eternal God, shew thy tender mercies upon those poor souls who have been long deluded bythe god of thisworld, the pope, and hisclergy. Jesus, thoulover of souls and friend of sinners, send to them thy light, and truth, that they may lead them, and call those straying sheep, now perishing for lack of knowledge, to the light of thy word, which is able to make them wise to salvation through faith, which is in thee!”

Of his forsaking the church ofRome.

AVARIETY of incidents contributed to this part of his conduct. He was first deeply concerned about the weighty affair of his own salvation; and then began to think seriously of the influence which his religious connexions might have thereon, which prepared him for attending to whatever he at any time either read, or had spoken to him on this head.

That which outwardly contributed most thereto was the instance of his brother, of whom he had learnedLatin. “A man (to use his own words) of tolerable learning, and designed for a Popish priest. But seeing many errors among them, he renounced popery.”

About the eighteenth year of his age, while he was a strict observer of the Romish church, this brother (whose relinquishing it was some years before) began frequently to discourse with him concerning the principles of theRomanists. But “I strenuously (says he) though ignorantly withstood him; alledging in my defence the traditions and canons of the church, while he, on the contrary, appealedto the law, and to the testimony. He often said to me, My brother why do you not read God’s word? Lay aside prejudice, and let us reason together.”

“To the same purpose spake another person in the neighbourhood, oneMr.Philip Geyer, a Protestant, and well versed in controversy.Mr.Walsh, you are a sober young man (so indeed I was generally thought to be, though God knows I was drunk with enmity against him) and what pity it is that you do not read the holy scriptures? Why will you suffer yourself to be deceived by thePopeand his fraternity.”

Reasonings of this kind, which were occasionally made use of with him from time to time, together with hearing the scriptures frequently read in his brother’s school, put him at length upon a diligent consideration of both sides of the question. But as it generally happens in like cases, an attachment to old sentiments, the prejudices of education, shame, or fear of man, with a variety of other considerations, kept him for some time in strong suspense. His breastwas moved with contrary, and therefore conflicting passions. He revolved in his mind, and rejected many a thought on the head, and again resumed and embraced them. Thus haltingbetween two opinions, he complains of the “Corruption of his heart and prejudice of his education, which were as smoke upon his soul, so dimming his understanding that he could see nothing clearly.”

“I had (continues he) a custom of repeating frequently as I walked by the way, some prayers, or articles of faith which I had learned in my childhood. And walking one day inSeptember, 1748, in a pleasant field, I was ruminating deeply on what my opponents urged against the doctrine of the church ofRome. I said in my heart—Perhaps all is not right. Peradventure I have been imposed upon. But then how shall I know? How can I be certainly assured whether the priest has led me in the right way?—Immediately it♦occurred to my mind, that on God alone, I could safely venture my salvation, and that without doubt, he would lead me by his counsel, if I asked wisdom of him.”

♦“occurrd” replaced with “occurred”

“Then I cried unto the Lord God, and said—All things are known to thee, and thou seest that I want to worship thee aright. Shew me the way wherein I ought to go, nor suffer me to be deceived by men.”

The Lord who apprehended, and instructedSaul, when he enquired of him in astonishment,What wilt thou have me to do?¹Attended to, and answered his prayer; which he did not cease then, to pour out before him.The Father of lights, and the giver of wisdom to all that ask it, did, according to the adorable methods of his working, instruct and determine his choice in this particular.

¹Actsix.

To this time and occasion may be referred what he has more than once told me, determined him with respect to the Popish doctrine of merit, and had much influence on his entirely renouncing the communion of that church: namely, the deep impression on his mind of those words ofSt.Paul,If righteousness come by the law, thenChristis dead in vain. This passage he assured me he had not remembered ever to have read, or heard; and that afterwards, when he met with it (Galatiansii.21.) it was to him like life from the dead. Truly, O God,Thy word is a light, and by taking heed thereto, thisyoung man’s way was cleansed.

Soon after this, he resolved to stand no longer in desponding hesitation, halting between two opinions. “Therefore, (says he) going to my brother and the other persons who used to converse with me on this head, and providentially meeting the two principal ones together, I determined now, once for all, either to convince, or be convinced by them; for I had an unfeigned desire to save my soul.”

“Proposing therefore my design, they desired me to bring a bible, and with itNelson’s feasts, and fasts of the church of England. Accordingly, we began reading, and conversing, and continued together till midnight.” The result of which was, he now determined no longer to resist conviction. “I was (says he) constrained to give place to the light of truth. It was so convincing that I had nothing more to say. I at length confessed the weakness of my former reasonings, and the strength of those which were opposed to me!”

“About one o’clock in the morning I retired to my lodging, and according to my usual custom went to prayer: but now, only to the God of heaven, I no more prayed to any angel or spirit. For I am deeply persuaded thatthere is♦but oneGod,and one Mediator betweenGodand man, even the man Christ Jesus. Therefore I resolved no longer to suffer any man to beguile me in a voluntary humility, in worshiping either saints or angels.¹These latter I considered as they are represented,Ministring spirits sent forth to minister for them who shall be heirs of salvation.²But with regard to any worship being paid to them, one of themselves said,See thou do it not, worshipGod.³God only.

♦“b” replaced with “but”¹Colossiansii.18.²Hebrewsi.14.³Revelationxix.10.

♦“b” replaced with “but”

¹Colossiansii.18.

²Hebrewsi.14.

³Revelationxix.10.

“All my sophisms on this head were entirely overthrown by a few hours candid reading the holy scriptures, which now became asa lanternto my feet, and a lamp to my paths, directing me in the way wherein I should go. I could see no manner of authority either in the old Testament or the new for invocating any saint, or apostle whatsoever. God, the triune God, is, alone, the proper object of prayer, and of all divine worship.” He is likewisea jealousGod (Exodusxx.5.) and will not give his glory to another, before his glorious Majesty the hosts of heaven,angels and authorities, principalities and powers, thrones and dominions, vailing their faces, fall down in lowly prostrations, while they adore him (whom all should adore!) that sitteth upon the throne, and the Lamb, that liveth for ever♦and ever.”

♦omitted word “and” supplied

Not many days after, he fell into discourse with his father on the head, and informed him, that he was minded to forsake the church ofRome, being clearly convinced she was not that infallible, or pure church he once esteemed her, “but rather (to use his words) an harlot, who had committed spiritual and vile adultery. My father (adds he) was much provoked, and produced his strong reasons to overthrow all I had said. I dared not but listen to him, which I did with much attention. But the more he argued, the more was I confirmed in my former resolution.”

Being now fully satisfied, and deliberately determined, he resolved to omit no becoming method of testifying the same. And accordingly (having no temporal interest to serve thereby, asmay be undeniably plain to every one) he, without farther delay, publickly and in form, renounced his former communion; abjured the errors of the church ofRome, and thence forward regularly attended the service of the church ofEngland.

He was greatly delighted with the prayers. (As was,St.Austinat his first attendance, with the service of the Church in general.Confess., book 9, chapter 6. His heart melted with divine sweetness, and his eyes flowed down with tears of love.) A certain providence seemed to direct the very matter of the first sermon which he heard there. “The first text (says he) I heard preached on at church, wasHe that believeth and is baptized, shall be saved: but he that believeth not, shall be damned, (Markxvi.16.)

“Yet, alas! How little did I know of believing? Being taught, and accustomed to call by the name of faith, the peculiar principles of the church ofRome. But I have now learned a better lesson, and know thatrightlyto believe, is one of the greatest things in the world.”

“And now that I have left the church ofRome, I nevertheless declare that I think there are many sincere souls among them. For I bear them witness, that they have a zeal for God, tho’ not according to knowledge. Many of them have justice, mercy, and truth; and may (notwithstanding many errors in sentiment, and therefore in practice, thro’ invincible ignorance) sinceas is God’s majesty, so is his mercy, be dealt with accordingly.”

There have been doubtless, and still are among them, some burning and shining lights; persons who (whatever their particular sentiments may be) are devoted to the service of Jesus Christ, according as their light and opportunities admit. And in reality, whateveropinionspeople may hold, they are most approved of God, whose tempers and behaviour correspond most with the model of his holy word. This however, can be no justification of avowed unscriptural tenets, such, as has been often proved, are many of those of the church ofRome.

“It may be asked then, ‘Why did I leave their communion, since I thought so favourably of them:’ I answer, because I was abundantly convinced, thatas a church, they have erred from theright way, and adulterated the truths of God with the inventions and traditions of men; which the scriptures, and even celebrated writers of themselves abundantly testify. God is my witness herein, that the sole motive which induced me to leave them, was an unfeigned desire to know the way of God more perfectly, in order to the salvation of my soul. For altho’ I then felt, and do yet feel my heart to be as the prophet speaks,deceitful, and desperately wickedwith regard to God; yet I was sincere in my reformation, having from the holy Spirit an earnestdesire to save my soul, and prepare to meet my God.

“If it should be still asked, ‘But could I not be saved, supposing I had never left the church ofRome?’ I answer, If I had never known the truth of the scriptures concerning the way of salvation, nor been convinced that their principles were anti-scriptural, then I think I might have been saved in her communion, the merciful God making allowance for my invincible ignorance. But now, since God hath enlightened my mind, and given me to seethe truth as it is inJesus, if I had still continued a member of the church ofRome, I could not have been saved.

“With regard to others, I say nothing. I know thatevery man must bear his own burden, and give an account of himself toGod. To their own master, both they and I must stand or fall. But love however, and tender compassion for their souls, constrain me to pour out a prayer to God in their behalf.

“All souls are thine, O Lord God, and thou willestallto come to the knowledge of the truth and be saved. For this end thou did give thy only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him, might not perish, but have everlasting life. I beseech thee therefore O eternal God, shew thy tender mercies upon those poor souls who have been long deluded bythe god of thisworld, the pope, and hisclergy. Jesus, thoulover of souls and friend of sinners, send to them thy light, and truth, that they may lead them, and call those straying sheep, now perishing for lack of knowledge, to the light of thy word, which is able to make them wise to salvation through faith, which is in thee!”

CHAPTERV.Some further account of his progress in the way of life, with other reasons of his conduct in regard of the church of Rome.THE affair of renouncing communion with the Romish church, and declaring himself a member of the church ofEngland, being now over, he set himself to read with much diligence the holy scriptures, together with the writings of some of the most eminent Protestant divines. And hereby he received further light every day, being more and more persuaded that his conduct was right.By this means he began likewise to see into the nature of the gospel, and the one, only way which it points to life and blessedness, grace and glory. ‘Now (says he) I begin to discern clearly that it isthe blood ofChrist alone whichcleanseth from sin, and thatby one offeringof himself once for all,he hath perfected for ever them that are sanctified.’¹—Perfectly accomplished, without anyneed of other helps, or repetitions of the same, all that was necessary in order to the justification and glorification of all believers.¹Hebrewsx.14.“I likewise became now more clearly sensible of the errors which I formerly held. As1st, Thinking that my own works could merit something from God.2dly, vainly imagining that there is a place for the purgation of sin after death. When at any time therefore I was asked now, why I had left the church ofRome? I could answer upon good and solid grounds: because I am well assured that the doctrines of merit (to speak of no more) and works of supererogation, are contrary both to reason and scripture.”——To reason, it being absurd to suppose that a creature, receiving life, and breath, and all things from its Creator, should be able to love, adore, and obey him, more than is required of him as his indispensable duty.——To scripture; being flatly contrary to the words of Christ,When ye shall have done all these things which are commanded you, say, that is, take knowledge,we are unprofitable servants.¹¹Lukexvii.10.“Beside, Ifthe blood ofChrist, the merit of all he hath done and suffered,cleanseth from all sin,¹what imaginable need can there be of the fire of purgatory? Surely whenallsin is cleansed, or taken away, there can benoneremaining.” Alas for those who trust for safety to such a staff of a broken reed! Deferring thepresentopportunitiesand means of deliverance from sin and death, under the pretence of some future purgation from sin in the invisible world.¹1 Johni.7.“If all the light of this world was to beimmediatelyat once extinguished,all humansouls that were not in some real degree of regeneration, would immediately find themselves but the rage of fire, and horror of darkness.” O then thou poor sinner, whoever thou art, repent, repent, and turn to God, whilst thou hast flesh upon thee; for as long as that lasts the kingdom of God isnigh at hand: but if thou diest without true conversion, better thou hadst never been born! For then “black lakes, bottomless pits, ages of a gnawing worm, and a fire that never ceases to burn, will stand between thee and the kingdom of heaven for ever.”His now encreasing knowledge in the things of God; his ability from the holy scriptures to distinguish between truth and error, became daily and justly matter of his thanksgiving to God. But yet his unregenerate nature was not, could not be truly at rest. The word of God was now indeed his study and delight. But it served likewise, by shewing him how his heart and life must be, more deeply to distress him.The commandmentin its spiritual and extensive meaning, still dissecting his inward parts, slew him (Romansvii.8–11.) so that he was clearly and distressingly sensible of his deathin trespasses and sins. Hisconvictions and anguish of spirit became therefore more afflictive than ever.The small cessation from pain which his relinquishingpoperyafforded, served now, only to augment his sorrow, to find that after all, thegreat affairwas yet to do. And such was his present anxiety, that he even forgot, or neglected to eat his bread. “My conscience (says he) still condemned me, there was no rest in my bones by reason of sin.” And yet meaning to make sure work, he desired to know the uttermost of his evil and danger. To this end he read those passages, both divine and human, which seemed most to condemn him: “For I was willing (adds he) to know the worst of my condition: not indeed that this was always the case. Sometimes the devil, and the corruption of my nature so far prevailed as to hush my conscience, and drown my convictions, by a variety of thoughts, and things.”Thus far did he labour through the furnace of heart-tormenting conflict; assaulted on the one hand by theRomanists, who still wrought him all the trouble they could, both by calumny and contention: And on the other, bythe ruler of the darkness of this world;Satanand his emissaries, seeking to devour him. Our Lord’s words,Johnxvi.21.were literally verified in him; as indeed they are more or less, in every one that is trulyborn again. He travailed in birth, and was in sorrow, and pain to be delivered.The agony of his heart frequently extorted from him, complaints to this effect,the sorrows of death have compassed me about, and the pains of hell have got hold upon me! He found trouble and heaviness. In his distress he cried unto the Lord, and said,O Lord I beseech thee deliver my soul! I am oppressed, undertake for me!And thus he remained for some time waiting, and longing for his God, even as the thirsty ground for showers. His sorrow it is true was often interspersed with gleams of sweetly reviving hope. That yet a little while, and he whom he sought would come, and would not tarry, while his very pulse still beat,Make no long tarrying, O my God. Make haste my beloved, and come away. Be thou like a roe, or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether.The Lord did indeed wait to be gracious to him, and was exalted in having mercy upon him. He broughtto the birth, and gavestrength to bring forth. For the spirit of heaviness, he afterwards received the garments of praise, and for mourning the oil of joy.

Some further account of his progress in the way of life, with other reasons of his conduct in regard of the church of Rome.

THE affair of renouncing communion with the Romish church, and declaring himself a member of the church ofEngland, being now over, he set himself to read with much diligence the holy scriptures, together with the writings of some of the most eminent Protestant divines. And hereby he received further light every day, being more and more persuaded that his conduct was right.

By this means he began likewise to see into the nature of the gospel, and the one, only way which it points to life and blessedness, grace and glory. ‘Now (says he) I begin to discern clearly that it isthe blood ofChrist alone whichcleanseth from sin, and thatby one offeringof himself once for all,he hath perfected for ever them that are sanctified.’¹—Perfectly accomplished, without anyneed of other helps, or repetitions of the same, all that was necessary in order to the justification and glorification of all believers.

¹Hebrewsx.14.

“I likewise became now more clearly sensible of the errors which I formerly held. As1st, Thinking that my own works could merit something from God.2dly, vainly imagining that there is a place for the purgation of sin after death. When at any time therefore I was asked now, why I had left the church ofRome? I could answer upon good and solid grounds: because I am well assured that the doctrines of merit (to speak of no more) and works of supererogation, are contrary both to reason and scripture.”——To reason, it being absurd to suppose that a creature, receiving life, and breath, and all things from its Creator, should be able to love, adore, and obey him, more than is required of him as his indispensable duty.——To scripture; being flatly contrary to the words of Christ,When ye shall have done all these things which are commanded you, say, that is, take knowledge,we are unprofitable servants.¹

¹Lukexvii.10.

“Beside, Ifthe blood ofChrist, the merit of all he hath done and suffered,cleanseth from all sin,¹what imaginable need can there be of the fire of purgatory? Surely whenallsin is cleansed, or taken away, there can benoneremaining.” Alas for those who trust for safety to such a staff of a broken reed! Deferring thepresentopportunitiesand means of deliverance from sin and death, under the pretence of some future purgation from sin in the invisible world.

¹1 Johni.7.

“If all the light of this world was to beimmediatelyat once extinguished,all humansouls that were not in some real degree of regeneration, would immediately find themselves but the rage of fire, and horror of darkness.” O then thou poor sinner, whoever thou art, repent, repent, and turn to God, whilst thou hast flesh upon thee; for as long as that lasts the kingdom of God isnigh at hand: but if thou diest without true conversion, better thou hadst never been born! For then “black lakes, bottomless pits, ages of a gnawing worm, and a fire that never ceases to burn, will stand between thee and the kingdom of heaven for ever.”

His now encreasing knowledge in the things of God; his ability from the holy scriptures to distinguish between truth and error, became daily and justly matter of his thanksgiving to God. But yet his unregenerate nature was not, could not be truly at rest. The word of God was now indeed his study and delight. But it served likewise, by shewing him how his heart and life must be, more deeply to distress him.The commandmentin its spiritual and extensive meaning, still dissecting his inward parts, slew him (Romansvii.8–11.) so that he was clearly and distressingly sensible of his deathin trespasses and sins. Hisconvictions and anguish of spirit became therefore more afflictive than ever.

The small cessation from pain which his relinquishingpoperyafforded, served now, only to augment his sorrow, to find that after all, thegreat affairwas yet to do. And such was his present anxiety, that he even forgot, or neglected to eat his bread. “My conscience (says he) still condemned me, there was no rest in my bones by reason of sin.” And yet meaning to make sure work, he desired to know the uttermost of his evil and danger. To this end he read those passages, both divine and human, which seemed most to condemn him: “For I was willing (adds he) to know the worst of my condition: not indeed that this was always the case. Sometimes the devil, and the corruption of my nature so far prevailed as to hush my conscience, and drown my convictions, by a variety of thoughts, and things.”

Thus far did he labour through the furnace of heart-tormenting conflict; assaulted on the one hand by theRomanists, who still wrought him all the trouble they could, both by calumny and contention: And on the other, bythe ruler of the darkness of this world;Satanand his emissaries, seeking to devour him. Our Lord’s words,Johnxvi.21.were literally verified in him; as indeed they are more or less, in every one that is trulyborn again. He travailed in birth, and was in sorrow, and pain to be delivered.The agony of his heart frequently extorted from him, complaints to this effect,the sorrows of death have compassed me about, and the pains of hell have got hold upon me! He found trouble and heaviness. In his distress he cried unto the Lord, and said,O Lord I beseech thee deliver my soul! I am oppressed, undertake for me!

And thus he remained for some time waiting, and longing for his God, even as the thirsty ground for showers. His sorrow it is true was often interspersed with gleams of sweetly reviving hope. That yet a little while, and he whom he sought would come, and would not tarry, while his very pulse still beat,Make no long tarrying, O my God. Make haste my beloved, and come away. Be thou like a roe, or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether.The Lord did indeed wait to be gracious to him, and was exalted in having mercy upon him. He broughtto the birth, and gavestrength to bring forth. For the spirit of heaviness, he afterwards received the garments of praise, and for mourning the oil of joy.

CHAPTERVI.Of some particulars previous to his conversion.AFTER having made use of every means, which either men or books could suggest, but without the desired effect, (being now in thenineteenth year of his age) as he returned to his lodging one evening in the city ofLimerick, March 17, 1749, he saw an uncommonly large concourse of people assembled in a place called theParadeadjoining to the main street. He turned aside to see what it meant; and perceiving a man preaching to the people in the open air (a thing then quite new inIreland,) he eagerly stopped to know what he said. And hearing him (Mr.R. S.) fromMatthewxi.28.affectionately, and earnestly entreat all persons tocome toJesus Christ,that they might find rest to their souls: and withal exhorting them to search the scriptures, and see for themselves if what he said was not true; it filled him with wonder, and with desire to know more of this matter.He had of a long time sorely felt the want of rest, that is, happiness in his soul. And notwithstanding all his endeavours to obtain it, like the poor woman in the gospel,¹whohad spent all that she had upon physicians and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse, his case became every day more insupportable. A pressing invitation therefore to partake of, and an assurance of finding the very thing he so wanted, could not fail of being acceptable to him.¹Markv.25.So impenetrable is the abyss of God’s judgments!Great things doth he, which who can comprehend!He had prepared the soul of his servant to receivewith inexpressible joy, the gospel of peace, and sent it him in a way which he least of all expected, and which the wisdom of man would never have made choice of, Thus,While yet he toil’d, a sudden cryProclaim’d th’ approaching multitude,Who told of Jesus passing by,Of free redemption in his blood:Upstarted light, the beggar blind,He sprang the healing touch to meet,Cast all his filthy rags behind,And groan’d for faith at Jesu’s feet.“But here (says he) it may be needful, in order the better to understand some particulars which will be hereafter related, to premise♦a few things relative to this preacher, and the people to whom he belonged,1st, he was one of the people calledMethodists, and a member of the church ofEngland.2dly, This people began to preach Christ, and justification thro’ his blood, about the year 1738, having had their beginning atOxford, in theRev.Mr.JohnandCharles Wesley; the former a fellow ofLincoln College, and the latter, student ofChrist Church. These two brothers having obtained mercy themselves, were called of God to publish his love to others likewise, by preaching the gospel of the kingdom, to everycreature that would hear thejoyful sound. Accordingly, out they go into the lanes and highways, crying in thevoice of wisdomto thesons of men, beseeching and compelling sinners to turn to God, to come to thatfeast of marrow and fat things, which he hath prepared for all who will but accept of life and salvation.”¹♦duplicate word “a” removed¹See Lukexiv.16–24. Proverbsviii.1–5. and compare with Proverbsi.24.“After these servants of God had been thus employed for some time, it pleased their divine Master, to send forth other labourers also into his harvest, to assist in the same blessed work: not indeed such as human wisdom would have appointed, the great or wise men of this world; but quite the contrary: the poor (for the most part) and asSt.Paulsays, thebaseandweak, that thus, leaving no room for boasting or glorying in man,whoso glorieth might glory in the Lord.”¹¹1 Corinthiansi.25–31.“Some of these, after preaching the gospel in the streets and highways, to their own countrymen, brought theglad tidingstoIrelandalso; where, going about from place to place, thro’ cities and villages, they freely declared, what they had so freely received, to every one that would hear. And glory be to God, their labour of love was not in vain. He that sent them, gave their word his blessing, so that many received it gladly; and having felt its power, to this day bring forth fruit with patience;the fruit of righteousness, to the glory of God.”It was some weeks before he had opportunity of hearing them again, being obliged to take care of his school in the country. On his next return toLimerickhe heard another of them (Mr.T. W.) and liked their preaching still better. But his fondness for, and attachment to the word of God, would not admit of his taking things of so high a nature upon trust. He therefore compared their doctrine with the word of God, and with thearticlesandhomilies(which were now likewise his secondary, standards of truth) of the church ofEngland; and “I found it, (says he) to be consonant with both. I became daily more and more attached to them, and their manner of living encreased my affection for them. They appeared to me to be true followers of Christ, and his apostles, adorning the doctrine of God in all things.”“When they had preached the gospel atLimerickfor some time, they came over toNew-Market, a village where I then resided, about eight miles from thence. In a little time there was a society formed, (so they called those who met weekly together, in order to sing the praises of God, to pray to him, and to help each other on to heaven.) To these I joined myself a member,September 29, 1749, in order to be more fully instructed in the way of salvation.”

Of some particulars previous to his conversion.

AFTER having made use of every means, which either men or books could suggest, but without the desired effect, (being now in thenineteenth year of his age) as he returned to his lodging one evening in the city ofLimerick, March 17, 1749, he saw an uncommonly large concourse of people assembled in a place called theParadeadjoining to the main street. He turned aside to see what it meant; and perceiving a man preaching to the people in the open air (a thing then quite new inIreland,) he eagerly stopped to know what he said. And hearing him (Mr.R. S.) fromMatthewxi.28.affectionately, and earnestly entreat all persons tocome toJesus Christ,that they might find rest to their souls: and withal exhorting them to search the scriptures, and see for themselves if what he said was not true; it filled him with wonder, and with desire to know more of this matter.

He had of a long time sorely felt the want of rest, that is, happiness in his soul. And notwithstanding all his endeavours to obtain it, like the poor woman in the gospel,¹whohad spent all that she had upon physicians and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse, his case became every day more insupportable. A pressing invitation therefore to partake of, and an assurance of finding the very thing he so wanted, could not fail of being acceptable to him.

¹Markv.25.

So impenetrable is the abyss of God’s judgments!Great things doth he, which who can comprehend!He had prepared the soul of his servant to receivewith inexpressible joy, the gospel of peace, and sent it him in a way which he least of all expected, and which the wisdom of man would never have made choice of, Thus,

While yet he toil’d, a sudden cryProclaim’d th’ approaching multitude,Who told of Jesus passing by,Of free redemption in his blood:Upstarted light, the beggar blind,He sprang the healing touch to meet,Cast all his filthy rags behind,And groan’d for faith at Jesu’s feet.

While yet he toil’d, a sudden cry

Proclaim’d th’ approaching multitude,

Who told of Jesus passing by,

Of free redemption in his blood:

Upstarted light, the beggar blind,

He sprang the healing touch to meet,

Cast all his filthy rags behind,

And groan’d for faith at Jesu’s feet.

“But here (says he) it may be needful, in order the better to understand some particulars which will be hereafter related, to premise♦a few things relative to this preacher, and the people to whom he belonged,1st, he was one of the people calledMethodists, and a member of the church ofEngland.2dly, This people began to preach Christ, and justification thro’ his blood, about the year 1738, having had their beginning atOxford, in theRev.Mr.JohnandCharles Wesley; the former a fellow ofLincoln College, and the latter, student ofChrist Church. These two brothers having obtained mercy themselves, were called of God to publish his love to others likewise, by preaching the gospel of the kingdom, to everycreature that would hear thejoyful sound. Accordingly, out they go into the lanes and highways, crying in thevoice of wisdomto thesons of men, beseeching and compelling sinners to turn to God, to come to thatfeast of marrow and fat things, which he hath prepared for all who will but accept of life and salvation.”¹

♦duplicate word “a” removed¹See Lukexiv.16–24. Proverbsviii.1–5. and compare with Proverbsi.24.

♦duplicate word “a” removed

¹See Lukexiv.16–24. Proverbsviii.1–5. and compare with Proverbsi.24.

“After these servants of God had been thus employed for some time, it pleased their divine Master, to send forth other labourers also into his harvest, to assist in the same blessed work: not indeed such as human wisdom would have appointed, the great or wise men of this world; but quite the contrary: the poor (for the most part) and asSt.Paulsays, thebaseandweak, that thus, leaving no room for boasting or glorying in man,whoso glorieth might glory in the Lord.”¹

¹1 Corinthiansi.25–31.

“Some of these, after preaching the gospel in the streets and highways, to their own countrymen, brought theglad tidingstoIrelandalso; where, going about from place to place, thro’ cities and villages, they freely declared, what they had so freely received, to every one that would hear. And glory be to God, their labour of love was not in vain. He that sent them, gave their word his blessing, so that many received it gladly; and having felt its power, to this day bring forth fruit with patience;the fruit of righteousness, to the glory of God.”

It was some weeks before he had opportunity of hearing them again, being obliged to take care of his school in the country. On his next return toLimerickhe heard another of them (Mr.T. W.) and liked their preaching still better. But his fondness for, and attachment to the word of God, would not admit of his taking things of so high a nature upon trust. He therefore compared their doctrine with the word of God, and with thearticlesandhomilies(which were now likewise his secondary, standards of truth) of the church ofEngland; and “I found it, (says he) to be consonant with both. I became daily more and more attached to them, and their manner of living encreased my affection for them. They appeared to me to be true followers of Christ, and his apostles, adorning the doctrine of God in all things.”

“When they had preached the gospel atLimerickfor some time, they came over toNew-Market, a village where I then resided, about eight miles from thence. In a little time there was a society formed, (so they called those who met weekly together, in order to sing the praises of God, to pray to him, and to help each other on to heaven.) To these I joined myself a member,September 29, 1749, in order to be more fully instructed in the way of salvation.”

CHAPTERVII.Giving a farther account of the state of his soul, particularly of his deep convictions.GOD had, by this time, made plain his way before his face. His holy word had fully informed his understanding, how a sinner can find favour with God. His scruples were all removed, and he wanted only the possession of what he saw as at a distance; toknow, by experience,the certainty of those things wherein he had been instructed.His soul reached out with vehemency of desire to themark of the prize ofhishigh calling. But yet he could notlay hold on the hope set beforehim. He could not break the bondage of unbelief, of which he was now deeply convinced, and under which he groaned continually. In short, he felt what cannot be easily explained: the sorrows and strugglings, as well as joys, of the truly regenerate, being of such a nature, that strangers to that happy change can have very imperfect conceptions of. (1 Chroniclesii.11.)*He particularly describes the manner, in which he perceived himself wrought upon, as follows,“1st. The Lord convinced me of my bosom sin, that which did most easily beset me; representing the heinousness of it in various circumstances.”“2dly. All my other abominations: sins in general, of omission, and commission were set in array before me, as an army ready to devour me; or, as so many devils ready to tear me in pieces. God wrote them down in large characters, so that I might well say,My sins were ever before me.”“3dly. I was clearly convinced, that not only my sins, but likewise what I called my duties, were an abomination unto the Lord. Myrighteousnessappearedas filthy rags. Thecorrupt tree could not bring forth good fruit.”“4thly. The same spirit convinced me, that I was an unbeliever; that I had not true faith, and therefore no part nor lot in the Lord Jesus Christ. As an unbeliever I wascondemned already, and the wrath of God abode uponme, (Johniii.) I assented indeed to every thing revealed in the bible; yet I now clearly perceived, I lacked the very true, Christian faith. I learned from theMethodists, so called, and had it confirmed to me by the New Testament, that whosoever has true faith, has with it the remission of sins,¹and is at peace with God. I read, thatwhosoever believeth, is born ofGod; andhe that is born ofGodsinneth not:²but I sinned, and thence inferred, I had not faith, neither wasborn ofGod.”¹♦Romansiv.5. andv.1. andviii.1. Johniii.18. Acts.xiii.39. 1 Johnv.10.²1 Johniii.9. andv.1.♦Arabic chapter numbers replaced with Roman numerals for consistency.“5thly. I was deeply convinced, that I could not help myself; that I was utterly unable to work, either repentance, faith or holiness in my own soul, and that it was by grace alone I could be saved.”“6thly. I was without comfort, and miserable. My soul was grieved, and my heart fainted within me. I found labour and sorrow beyond expression. Worldly comforts availed nought. I had no rest night or day. When I prayed I was troubled; when I heard a sermon, I was pierced as with darts and arrows. Whenever I either read or conversed, still I was broken and bruised in heart. Thus was I stripped of all, and wretched, and blind and naked; having neither faith nor power, holiness nor happiness. Truly there was no sound part in me. All waswounds and bruises, and putrifying sores. Often I could neither sleep nor eat. The affliction of my soul so affected my body, that at length I was obliged to take to my bed.”“7thly. I saw by the same light of the holy Spirit, the ground of all this, namely,Original sin. This I felt was the source of all my misery and helplessness.By one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin, and so death passed upon all, for that all have sinned.¹Here I saw the root of all evil. Hence are wechildren of wrath; banished from God, and the tree of life.”¹Romansv.12.This was his state about the year 1749. And in substance, I believe (tho’ all do not so circumstantiallyattend to it) this agrees with the experience of most of the children of God.One would not however attempt to fix a determinate point: making the progress of the work of God in one, or a thousand persons, a standard by which to judge of the genuineness of the experience of others.There are diversities of operations by the same spirit. But it is the same God, who worketh all in all.With some souls, it pleaseth our Lord to deal more gently, than with others; as (to mention no more examples) in the case ofLydia, and thejaylor, (Actsxvi.) The latter, trembling and terrified,fell down, prostrate, beforePaulandSilas, and said, in the utmost consternation,What must I do to be saved!While the former, without any such previous terror, had her heart gentlyopened to attend unto, and receive the words of eternal life,which were spoken of Paul. And there are no doubt, thousands of resembling instances at this day.But in general, it may be observed, that with regard to those, whom God intends for the service of other souls, he gives them to feel, as they are able to bear, the uttermost of their nature’s death; the bitterness and desert of the sin that dwells in the heart, as well as the wicked works of their life, before he shews them his salvation; that being feelingly acquainted with the evil nature of sin, and the wretchedness of an unregenerate state,they may be the better capable of sympathizing with, and counselling others in like circumstances; and be quickened in their endeavours of saving souls from death.But inallwho are begetting again to newness of life, there is a deep consciousness of want. And there never has been an instance of true conversion among grown persons, where the soul did not previously feel its poverty, guilt, or danger, in a greater or less degree. Our Saviour heals none who have not afeelingwant, producing earnest desires of being healed. It is thewearyand theheavy laden, whom he calls to come to him, that they may find rest to their souls. He is theliving bread, andthe water of life, for which, only awakened souls hunger and thirst, and with which alone, they can be satisfied.Having mentionedSt.Austin, with reference to the usual manner of our Lord’s dealing with souls, intended for the service of others; and considering the resemblance, which in some parts of his experience, there is, with the experience of him before us, I persuade myself it will not be unacceptable to some readers, to subjoin a short account of the travail of his soul, above fourteen hundred years ago, in his own words.“Thou, O Lord, didst turn me about towards myself; and tookest me from behind my back, where I had placed me, whilst I had no mind to observe myself, that I might see how deformed athing I was; covered over with scabs and ulcers: and I beheld, and abhorred.—But I, then a wretched young man, had in the first dawning of my youth, begged of thee chastity; and had said,Give me chastity; but yet awhile do not give it. For I feared thou shouldst hear me too soon, and presently heal me of that disease and concupiscence which I wished, rather might be satiated than extinguished.—But now was the day come, in which I was laid naked to myself, and my conscience began to reproach me.——I was inwardly corroded, and extremely confounded.”“—Amidst this great controversy within, which I hotly disputed with my soul, troubled as well in countenance as in mind,—my eyes, forehead, cheeks, colour, the accent of my voice more spoke my passion than words could.—There was a little garden belonging to my lodging, which I had the use of. Thither this tumult in my breast carried me away, where none might hinder the hot contention which was engaged within me, until concluded in that issue, which thou already knewest, but not I. Only I was in suffering a death that would beget life: well knowing what evil I then was; not knowing what good, within a little while, I was to be.—I fretted my spirit, whilst all my bones cried out.——From whence such a monster? Let thy mercy enlighten me, and let me enquire, Whence such a monster? and how can this be?——”“Thus I was accusing myself much more severely than formerly, and winding to and fro in my chain; a small piece only of which now held me; yet held me still. And thou, O Lord, pressedst sore upon me in mine inner parts, with a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame.—And the point of time, in which I was to become another man, as it approached nearer, struck me with more horror. Yet it did not make me to recoil, or turn away; but only to stand in a suspense.”*“Such was the contest acted within my heart.—But as soon as more profound meditation had drawn out, from the very bottom of this sink, and laid on an heap, all my misery before the view of my soul; there arose in me a mighty tempest, bringing with it great showers of tears.—I, under a certain fig-tree, threw down myself, I know not how, and gave liberty to my tears; and the rivers of my eyes ran a-pace. And I said,Thou, Lord, how long? How long wilt thou be angry, for ever? Remember not my former iniquities, Psalmslxxix.5, 8. For I well perceived I was still possessed, and with-held by them, and therefore cast out such miserable complaints,How long? How long? To-morrow, and to-morrow? Why not presently? Why not this very hour, an end to my filthiness.”*“These things I uttered as I wept with bitter contrition: and behold, I heard a voice as from a neighbouring house, as of a boy or girl,in a singing note, saying, and often repeating;tolle, lege; tolle, lege; take up and read; take up and read. And presently my countenance being altered, I began to consider, whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor could I call to mind that I any where heard the like.”“Whereupon, suppressing the course of my tears, I rose up, interpreting it to be a divine admonition, that I should open the book, and read the place I first light upon.—So getting up hastily, I returned to the place where I had been sitting before, for there I had leftSt.Paul’s epistles. I catched it up, opened it, read in silence the piece of the chapter on which I first cast mine eyes;not in rioting and drunkenness; not in chambering and wantonness; not in strife and envying: but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof. Romansxiii.13.”“I could read no farther, nor was there need: for at the end of those lines, as it were with a new light of confidence streaming into my soul, the darkness of all former doubting and hesitancy was dispelled.——”*“O Jesus Christ, my helper, and my Redeemer! How sweet on a sudden became it to me, to submit my neck to thy easy yoke, and my shoulders, unto thy light burden.——And what before, it was my fear to lose, how was it now my joy to dismiss! For thou the true, andthe supreme sweetness, didst expel them from me: thou expelledst them and thyself enteredst into me instead of them: more delicious than all delights, but not to flesh and blood: more bright and glorious than all light, but to the inward hidden man, exalted above the heights of all honour, but not to those who exalt themselves.—And now my infant tongue began to converse with thee, my ambition, and my riches, and my salvation, my Lord God!”

Giving a farther account of the state of his soul, particularly of his deep convictions.

GOD had, by this time, made plain his way before his face. His holy word had fully informed his understanding, how a sinner can find favour with God. His scruples were all removed, and he wanted only the possession of what he saw as at a distance; toknow, by experience,the certainty of those things wherein he had been instructed.

His soul reached out with vehemency of desire to themark of the prize ofhishigh calling. But yet he could notlay hold on the hope set beforehim. He could not break the bondage of unbelief, of which he was now deeply convinced, and under which he groaned continually. In short, he felt what cannot be easily explained: the sorrows and strugglings, as well as joys, of the truly regenerate, being of such a nature, that strangers to that happy change can have very imperfect conceptions of. (1 Chroniclesii.11.)

*He particularly describes the manner, in which he perceived himself wrought upon, as follows,

“1st. The Lord convinced me of my bosom sin, that which did most easily beset me; representing the heinousness of it in various circumstances.”

“2dly. All my other abominations: sins in general, of omission, and commission were set in array before me, as an army ready to devour me; or, as so many devils ready to tear me in pieces. God wrote them down in large characters, so that I might well say,My sins were ever before me.”

“3dly. I was clearly convinced, that not only my sins, but likewise what I called my duties, were an abomination unto the Lord. Myrighteousnessappearedas filthy rags. Thecorrupt tree could not bring forth good fruit.”

“4thly. The same spirit convinced me, that I was an unbeliever; that I had not true faith, and therefore no part nor lot in the Lord Jesus Christ. As an unbeliever I wascondemned already, and the wrath of God abode uponme, (Johniii.) I assented indeed to every thing revealed in the bible; yet I now clearly perceived, I lacked the very true, Christian faith. I learned from theMethodists, so called, and had it confirmed to me by the New Testament, that whosoever has true faith, has with it the remission of sins,¹and is at peace with God. I read, thatwhosoever believeth, is born ofGod; andhe that is born ofGodsinneth not:²but I sinned, and thence inferred, I had not faith, neither wasborn ofGod.”

¹♦Romansiv.5. andv.1. andviii.1. Johniii.18. Acts.xiii.39. 1 Johnv.10.²1 Johniii.9. andv.1.♦Arabic chapter numbers replaced with Roman numerals for consistency.

¹♦Romansiv.5. andv.1. andviii.1. Johniii.18. Acts.xiii.39. 1 Johnv.10.

²1 Johniii.9. andv.1.

♦Arabic chapter numbers replaced with Roman numerals for consistency.

“5thly. I was deeply convinced, that I could not help myself; that I was utterly unable to work, either repentance, faith or holiness in my own soul, and that it was by grace alone I could be saved.”

“6thly. I was without comfort, and miserable. My soul was grieved, and my heart fainted within me. I found labour and sorrow beyond expression. Worldly comforts availed nought. I had no rest night or day. When I prayed I was troubled; when I heard a sermon, I was pierced as with darts and arrows. Whenever I either read or conversed, still I was broken and bruised in heart. Thus was I stripped of all, and wretched, and blind and naked; having neither faith nor power, holiness nor happiness. Truly there was no sound part in me. All waswounds and bruises, and putrifying sores. Often I could neither sleep nor eat. The affliction of my soul so affected my body, that at length I was obliged to take to my bed.”

“7thly. I saw by the same light of the holy Spirit, the ground of all this, namely,Original sin. This I felt was the source of all my misery and helplessness.By one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin, and so death passed upon all, for that all have sinned.¹Here I saw the root of all evil. Hence are wechildren of wrath; banished from God, and the tree of life.”

¹Romansv.12.

This was his state about the year 1749. And in substance, I believe (tho’ all do not so circumstantiallyattend to it) this agrees with the experience of most of the children of God.

One would not however attempt to fix a determinate point: making the progress of the work of God in one, or a thousand persons, a standard by which to judge of the genuineness of the experience of others.There are diversities of operations by the same spirit. But it is the same God, who worketh all in all.

With some souls, it pleaseth our Lord to deal more gently, than with others; as (to mention no more examples) in the case ofLydia, and thejaylor, (Actsxvi.) The latter, trembling and terrified,fell down, prostrate, beforePaulandSilas, and said, in the utmost consternation,What must I do to be saved!While the former, without any such previous terror, had her heart gentlyopened to attend unto, and receive the words of eternal life,which were spoken of Paul. And there are no doubt, thousands of resembling instances at this day.

But in general, it may be observed, that with regard to those, whom God intends for the service of other souls, he gives them to feel, as they are able to bear, the uttermost of their nature’s death; the bitterness and desert of the sin that dwells in the heart, as well as the wicked works of their life, before he shews them his salvation; that being feelingly acquainted with the evil nature of sin, and the wretchedness of an unregenerate state,they may be the better capable of sympathizing with, and counselling others in like circumstances; and be quickened in their endeavours of saving souls from death.

But inallwho are begetting again to newness of life, there is a deep consciousness of want. And there never has been an instance of true conversion among grown persons, where the soul did not previously feel its poverty, guilt, or danger, in a greater or less degree. Our Saviour heals none who have not afeelingwant, producing earnest desires of being healed. It is thewearyand theheavy laden, whom he calls to come to him, that they may find rest to their souls. He is theliving bread, andthe water of life, for which, only awakened souls hunger and thirst, and with which alone, they can be satisfied.

Having mentionedSt.Austin, with reference to the usual manner of our Lord’s dealing with souls, intended for the service of others; and considering the resemblance, which in some parts of his experience, there is, with the experience of him before us, I persuade myself it will not be unacceptable to some readers, to subjoin a short account of the travail of his soul, above fourteen hundred years ago, in his own words.

“Thou, O Lord, didst turn me about towards myself; and tookest me from behind my back, where I had placed me, whilst I had no mind to observe myself, that I might see how deformed athing I was; covered over with scabs and ulcers: and I beheld, and abhorred.—But I, then a wretched young man, had in the first dawning of my youth, begged of thee chastity; and had said,Give me chastity; but yet awhile do not give it. For I feared thou shouldst hear me too soon, and presently heal me of that disease and concupiscence which I wished, rather might be satiated than extinguished.—But now was the day come, in which I was laid naked to myself, and my conscience began to reproach me.——I was inwardly corroded, and extremely confounded.”

“—Amidst this great controversy within, which I hotly disputed with my soul, troubled as well in countenance as in mind,—my eyes, forehead, cheeks, colour, the accent of my voice more spoke my passion than words could.—There was a little garden belonging to my lodging, which I had the use of. Thither this tumult in my breast carried me away, where none might hinder the hot contention which was engaged within me, until concluded in that issue, which thou already knewest, but not I. Only I was in suffering a death that would beget life: well knowing what evil I then was; not knowing what good, within a little while, I was to be.—I fretted my spirit, whilst all my bones cried out.——From whence such a monster? Let thy mercy enlighten me, and let me enquire, Whence such a monster? and how can this be?——”

“Thus I was accusing myself much more severely than formerly, and winding to and fro in my chain; a small piece only of which now held me; yet held me still. And thou, O Lord, pressedst sore upon me in mine inner parts, with a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame.—And the point of time, in which I was to become another man, as it approached nearer, struck me with more horror. Yet it did not make me to recoil, or turn away; but only to stand in a suspense.”

*“Such was the contest acted within my heart.—But as soon as more profound meditation had drawn out, from the very bottom of this sink, and laid on an heap, all my misery before the view of my soul; there arose in me a mighty tempest, bringing with it great showers of tears.—I, under a certain fig-tree, threw down myself, I know not how, and gave liberty to my tears; and the rivers of my eyes ran a-pace. And I said,Thou, Lord, how long? How long wilt thou be angry, for ever? Remember not my former iniquities, Psalmslxxix.5, 8. For I well perceived I was still possessed, and with-held by them, and therefore cast out such miserable complaints,How long? How long? To-morrow, and to-morrow? Why not presently? Why not this very hour, an end to my filthiness.”

*“These things I uttered as I wept with bitter contrition: and behold, I heard a voice as from a neighbouring house, as of a boy or girl,in a singing note, saying, and often repeating;tolle, lege; tolle, lege; take up and read; take up and read. And presently my countenance being altered, I began to consider, whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor could I call to mind that I any where heard the like.”

“Whereupon, suppressing the course of my tears, I rose up, interpreting it to be a divine admonition, that I should open the book, and read the place I first light upon.—So getting up hastily, I returned to the place where I had been sitting before, for there I had leftSt.Paul’s epistles. I catched it up, opened it, read in silence the piece of the chapter on which I first cast mine eyes;not in rioting and drunkenness; not in chambering and wantonness; not in strife and envying: but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof. Romansxiii.13.”

“I could read no farther, nor was there need: for at the end of those lines, as it were with a new light of confidence streaming into my soul, the darkness of all former doubting and hesitancy was dispelled.——”

*“O Jesus Christ, my helper, and my Redeemer! How sweet on a sudden became it to me, to submit my neck to thy easy yoke, and my shoulders, unto thy light burden.——And what before, it was my fear to lose, how was it now my joy to dismiss! For thou the true, andthe supreme sweetness, didst expel them from me: thou expelledst them and thyself enteredst into me instead of them: more delicious than all delights, but not to flesh and blood: more bright and glorious than all light, but to the inward hidden man, exalted above the heights of all honour, but not to those who exalt themselves.—And now my infant tongue began to converse with thee, my ambition, and my riches, and my salvation, my Lord God!”

Back to Index Next