PARTII.

PARTII.From the time that he began to devote himself to thestudy of divinity,till he was examined and licensed topreach.[MR. Brainerd, the spring after his expulsion, went to live with theRev.Mr.Mills, of Ripton, to follow his studies with him, in order to his being fitted for the ministry; where he spent the greater part of the time till licensed to preach.]—The following account is in his own words.Thursday, April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining with respect to my life and warmth in divine things; O that God would humble me deeply in the dust! I deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, “who has loved me, and given himself for me;” and every time I am enabled to exercise any grace, I am indebted to the God of all grace for it. “Where then is boasting?” Surely “it is excluded,” since we depend on God for the being and every act of grace.*Friday, April 2. I felt myself much resigned, calm, and serene. What are all the storms of this lower world, ifJesusdoes but come♦walking on the seas!—Some time past, I had much pleasure in the prospect of the Heathen’s being brought home to Christ, and desired that the Lord would employmein that work;—but now my soul more frequently desires to die,to be with Christ. O that my soul were wrapt up in love, and my longing after God increased!♦“walk-on” replaced with “walking on”Saturday, April 3. I thought, if God would take me to himself, my soul would exceedingly rejoice. O that I may be always humble and resigned to God, and that God would fix my soul on himself, that I may be more fitted both for doing and suffering!*Lord’s-day, April 4. O my blessed God! Let me climb up near to him, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle, and reach, and stretch after him, and for deliverance from the body of sin and death.—Alas! my soul mournedto think I should ever lose sight of its Beloved again. “O come, Lord Jesus, Amen.”*Tuesday, April 6. I cried to God to wash my soul, and cleanse me from my exceeding filthiness.—And I could think of undergoing the greatest sufferings, with pleasure; and found myself willing (if God should so order it) to suffer banishment from my native land, among the Heathen, that I might do something for their salvation, in distresses and deaths of any kind.—Then God gave me to wrestle earnestly for others, for the kingdom of Christ in the world, and for my dear Christian friends.—I felt myself weaned from the world, and from my own reputation, willing to be despised, and to be a gazing-stock for the world.—It is impossible for me to express what I then felt: I had not much joy, but a sense of the majesty of God, which made me tremble; I saw myself mean and vile, which made me more willing that God should do what he would with me; it was all infinitely reasonable.Thursday, April 8. I had hopes respecting the Heathen. O that God would bring in numbers of them to Christ! I cannot but hope I shall see that glorious day.—Every thing in this world seems exceeding vile and little to me: I look so myself.Saturday, April 10. I spent much time in secret this morning, and not without some comfort; but am so low, and feel so little of the presenceof God, that I hardly know what to call faith, and am made to “possess the sins of my youth,” and the dreadful sin of my nature, and am all sin. Yet I feel some faint hopes, that God will, of his infinite mercy, return.Lord’s-day, April 11. I had sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at the heavenly world. O for the happy day!—After public worship God gave me special assistance in prayer; I wrestled with my dear Lord with much sweetness; and intercession was a sweet and delightful employment.—In the evening, as I was viewing the lights in the north, I was delighted in contemplation on the glorious morning of the resurrection.*Monday, April 12. This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the light of his countenance upon me in secret prayer, and made the season very precious to my soul. I felt myself exceeding calm, and quite resigned to God, respecting my future employment: my faith lifted me above the world, and removed all those mountains, that I could not look over of late: I wanted not the favour of men to lean upon; for I knew Christ’s favour was infinitely better, and that it was no matterwhen, norwhere, norhowChrist should send me, nor what trials he should exercise me with, if I might be prepared for his work and will. I now found sweetly revived in my mind the wonderful discovery of infinite wisdom in all the dispensations of God towards me, which I had a little before I metwith my great trial at college; every thing appeared full of the wisdom of God.Wednesday, April 14. My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for the mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. O there is a sweet day coming, wherein “the weary will be at rest!” My soul has enjoyed much sweetness this day in the hopes of its speedy arrival.Thursday, April 15. My desires centered in God, and I found a sensible attraction of soul after him:I long for God, and a conformity to his will, in inward holiness, ten thousand times more than for any thing here below.Lord’s-day, April 18. I retired early this morning in the woods; and was enabled to plead with fervency for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom.—At night I saw myself infinitely indebted to God, and had a view of my short comings: it seemed to me, that I had done nothing for God, and that I hadlived to himbut a few hours of my life.*Monday, April 19. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer to God for his grace, to prepare me for the work of the ministry, and in his own time to send me into his harvest. I felt a power of intercession for the advancement of the kingdom of my dear Lord; and withal, a sweet resignation, and even joy in the thoughts of suffering hardships, distresses, yea death itself, in the promotion of it. In the afternoon, “Godwas with me of a truth.” O it was blessed company indeed! God enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet with sweat, tho’ in the shade. My soul was drawn out very much for the world; I grasped for multitudes of souls. I had more enlargement for sinners, than for the children of God; though I felt as if I could spend my life in cries for both. I never felt such an entire weanedness from this world, and so much resigned to God in every thing.—O that I may always livetoanduponmy blessed God!Tuesday, April 20. This day I am twenty-four years of age. O how much mercy have I received the year past! How often has God “caused his goodness to pass before me!” And how poorly have I answered the vows I made this time twelvemonth, to be wholly the Lord’s, to be for ever devoted to his service! The Lord help me to live more to his glory.——This has been a sweet day to me: blessed be God. I think my soul was never so drawn out in intercession forothers. I had a fervent wrestle with the Lord for myenemies; and I hardly ever so longed tolive to God, and to be altogether devoted to him.Lord’s day, April 25. This morning I spent about two hours in secret, and was enabled more than ordinarily to agonize for immortal souls; though it was early in the morning, and the sun scarcely shined at all, yet my body was quite wet with sweat. I felt myself much pressed, as frequentlyof late, to plead for the meekness and calmness of the Lamb of God. O it is a sweet disposition, heartily to forgive all injuries, to wish our greatest enemies as well as we do our own souls! Blessed Jesus, may I daily be more and more conformed to thee! At night I was exceedingly melted with divine love, and had a sense of the blessedness of the upper world. Those words hung upon me with much sweetness, Psalmslxxxiv.7. “They go from strength to strength, every one of them in Zion appeareth before God.” O thenear accessthat God sometimes gives us in our addresses to him! This may well be termedappearing before God; it is so indeed, in the true spiritual sense. I longed for the coming of my dear Lord; I longed to join the angelic hosts in praises, wholly free from imperfection. O the blessed moment hastens! All I want is to be more holy, more like my dear Lord. O for sanctification! My very soul pants for the compleat restoration of the blessed image of my Saviour; that I may be fit for the blessed enjoyments and employments of the heavenly world.Monday, April 26. I continued in a sweet frame of mind. God was pleased to make it a humbling season. My soul exceedingly longs for that blessed state of perfection, of deliverance from all sin!——At night God enabled me to give my soul up to him, to cast myself upon him, to be disposed of according to his sovereignpleasure; and I enjoyed great peace and consolation in so doing. My soul took sweet delight in God: my thoughts freely and sweetly centered in him. O that I could spend every moment of my life to his glory!*Tuesday, April 27. I retired and God was pleased to pour such ineffable comforts into my soul, that I could do nothing for sometime but say over and over, “O my sweet Saviour! O my sweet Saviour! Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.” If I had a thousand lives, my soul would gladly have laid them all down, to have been with Christ. My soul never enjoyed so much of heaven before; it was the most refined communion with God I ever felt: I never before felt so great a degree of resignation.*Wednesday, April 28. I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, and spent about two hours in secret. I felt much as I did yesterday morning, only weaker and more overcome. I seemed to hang wholly on my dear Lord; wholly weaned from all other dependencies. I knew not what to say to my God, but onlylean on his bosom, as it were, and breathe out my desires after perfect conformity to him in all things. Thirsting desires and insatiable longings, possessed my soul after perfect holiness; God was so precious to my soul, that the world with all its enjoyments was infinitely vile; I had nomore value for the favour of men, than for pebbles: the Lord was my all; and he over ruled all; which greatly delighted me. I think my faith and dependance on God scarce ever rose so high. I saw him such a fountain of goodness, that it seemed impossible I should distrust him again, or be any way anxious about any thing that should happen to me.——In the evening my heart seemed sweetly to melt, and was humbled for indwelling corruption, and I mourned like a dove. I felt that all my unhappiness arose from my being a sinner; for with resignation I could welcome all other trials; but sin hung heavy upon me: for God discovered to me the corruption of my heart; so that I went to bed with a heavy heart, because I was a sinner: though I did not in the least doubt of God’s love. O that God would “purge away all my dross, and take away my♦tin.”♦“sin” replaced with “tin” per ErrataFriday, April 30. Nothing grieves me so much as that I cannot live constantly to God’s glory. I could bear any spiritual conflicts, if I could but havemy heartall the while burning with love to God; for when Ifeelthis I cannot be dejected, but onlyrejoice in my Saviour, who has delivered me from the reigning power, and will shortly deliver me from the indwelling of sin.Lord’s-day, May 2. God was pleased to give me such a sight of myself, as made me appear vile in my own eyes: I felt corruption in my heart, which I could by no means suppress; Iwas exceeding weak, and almost sick with my inward trials.Lord’s-day, May 9. I never felt so much of the cursed pride of my heart, as well as the stubbornness of my will before. O what a wretch I am! I could not submit to be nothing, and to lie down in the dust. Oh that God would humble me! I felt myself such a sinner, all day, that I had scarce any comfort. Oh when shall I be “delivered from the body of this death!” I greatly feared, lest through stupidity I should lose the benefit of these trials. O that they might be sanctified to my soul! Nothing seemed to touch me but this, that I was a sinner.Thursday, May 13. I saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought there was so much spiritual pride in my soul: I was almost pressed to death with my vileness. Oh whata body of deathis there in me!Lord, deliver my soul.O the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that can be enjoyed on earth!Friday, May 14. I waited on a council of ministers, and spread before them the treatment I had met with at Yale-college; who thought it adviseable to intercede for me with the rector and trustees, and to intreat them to restore me to my former privileges.¹¹The application which was then made on his behalf, had not the desired success.Saturday, June 12. I spent much time in prayer this morning, and enjoyed much sweetness.—Felt insatiable longings after God: I wondered how poor souls do to live, that haveno God.—The world, with all its enjoyments, quite vanished. I see myself very helpless: but I have a blessed God to go to. I longed exceedingly “to be dissolved, and to be with Christ, to behold his glory.” Oh, my weak weary soul longs to arrive atmy Father’s house!Monday, June 14. I felt something of the sweetness of communion with God, and theconstrainingforce ofhis love:—I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to intreat God to bless me with regard to the great work ofpreaching the gospel. Just at night, the Lord visited me marvellously in prayer: I think my soul never was in such an agony before: I felt no restraint; for the treasures of divine grace were opened to me; I wrestled for my absent friends, for the ingathering of souls, for multitudes of poor souls, and for many that I thought were the children of God, personally, in many distant places. I was in such an agony, till near dark, that I was all over wet with sweat: but yet it seemed to me that I had wasted away the day, and had done nothing. Oh, my dear Jesus didsweat bloodfor poor souls! I longed for more compassion towards them.Tuesday, June 15. I had the most ardent longings after God, that I ever felt in my life: at noon, in secret, I could do nothing but tell mydear Lord, that he knew I longed for nothing buthimself, nothing butholiness; thathehad given me these desires, and heonlycould give me the thing desired. I never seemed to be so unhinged from myself, and to be so wholly devoted to God. My heart was swallowed up in God most of the day. In the evening I had such a view of the soul’s being enlarged, to contain more holiness; that my soul seemed ready to separate from my body, to obtain it. I then wrestled in an agony for divine blessings; and had my heart drawn out in prayer for some Christian friends, beyond what I ever had before.—I feel differently now from whatever I did under any sweet enjoyments before; more engaged tolive to Godfor ever. Oh how short do I fall of my duty in my sweetest moments!Friday, June 18. Considering my great unfitness for theministry, I set apart this day for prayer to God, and found God graciously near; once in particular, while I was pleading for more compassion for immortal souls, myheartseemed to beopenedat once, and I was enabled to cry with great ardency.*Oh, I was distressed, to think, that I should offer such dead cold services to theliving God! My soul seemed to breathe after holiness, a life of constant devotedness to God. But I am almost lost sometimes in the pursuit of this blessedness, and ready to sink, because I continually fall short. O that the Lord would help me tohold out, yet a little while, till the happy hour of deliverance comes!Lord’s-day, June 20. I spent much time alone. My soul longed to be holy, and reached after God; Ihungeredandthirsted; but was not satisfied. My soul hung on God, as my only portion. O that I could grow in grace more abundantly every day!Tuesday, June 22. I was sweetly composed and resigned to God’s will; enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with him, and to have my whole dependence upon him: my secret retirement was very refreshing. It appeared such a happiness to have God for my portion, that I had rather be any other creature in this lower creation, than not to come to the enjoyment of God: I had rather be a beast, than a man, without God, if I were to live here to eternity. Lord endear thyself more to me!Wednesday, June 30. Spent this day alone in the woods, in fasting and prayer; underwent the most dreadful conflicts in my soul, that ever I felt; I saw myself so vile, that I was ready to say, “I shall now perish by the hand of Saul.” I almost concluded, I had no power to stand for the cause of God, but was “afraid of the shaking of a leaf.” Spent almost the whole day in prayer. I could not bear to think of Christians shewing me any respect. I almost despaired of doing any service in the world; I could not feel any hope respecting the Heathen, which used toafford me some refreshment in the darkest hours. I spent the dayin the bitterness of my soul. Near night I enjoyed some sweetness in prayer.Saturday, July 3. My heart seemed again to sink. The disgrace I was laid under at college seemed to damp me, as it opens the mouths of opposers. I had no refuge but in God. Blessed be his name, that I may go tohimat all times, and find him apresent help.Lord’s-day, July 4. I withdrew, and enjoyed a happy season in secret: God was pleased to give me the exercise of faith, and thereby brought the invisible and eternal world near to my soul. I hoped, that my wearypilgrimagewould beshort; that it would not be long before I was brought to my Father’s house: but I was sweetly resigned to God’s will, to tarry his time, to do his work, and suffer his pleasure. I felt pleased, to belittle, to benothing, and tolie in the dust. I enjoyed life and sweet consolation in pleading for the dear children of God, and the kingdom of Christ in the world: and my soul earnestly breathed after holiness, and the enjoyment of God. “O come, Lord Jesus! come quickly Amen.”Monday, July 19. My desires are carried out after weanedness from theworld, perfect deadness to it, and to becrucifiedto all its allurements. My soul longs to feel itself apilgrimandstrangerhere below; that nothing may divert me frompressing through the lonely desert, till I arrive at my Father’s house.*Thursday, July 22. Journeying from Southbury to Ripton, I called at a house, where being kindly entertained, I was filled with amazement and shame, that God should stir up the hearts of any to shew so much kindness to such adead dogas I; and was sensible, how exceeding vile it is, not to be wholly devoted to God. I wondered, that God would suffer any of his creatures to feed and sustain me from time to time.Thursday, July 29. I was examined by the association met at Danbury, as to my learning, and experiences in religion, and received a licence from them to preach the gospel of Christ. Afterwards I felt much devoted to God: joined in prayer with one of the ministers; and went to bed resolving to live devoted to God all my days.

From the time that he began to devote himself to thestudy of divinity,till he was examined and licensed topreach.

[MR. Brainerd, the spring after his expulsion, went to live with theRev.Mr.Mills, of Ripton, to follow his studies with him, in order to his being fitted for the ministry; where he spent the greater part of the time till licensed to preach.]—The following account is in his own words.

Thursday, April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining with respect to my life and warmth in divine things; O that God would humble me deeply in the dust! I deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, “who has loved me, and given himself for me;” and every time I am enabled to exercise any grace, I am indebted to the God of all grace for it. “Where then is boasting?” Surely “it is excluded,” since we depend on God for the being and every act of grace.

*Friday, April 2. I felt myself much resigned, calm, and serene. What are all the storms of this lower world, ifJesusdoes but come♦walking on the seas!—Some time past, I had much pleasure in the prospect of the Heathen’s being brought home to Christ, and desired that the Lord would employmein that work;—but now my soul more frequently desires to die,to be with Christ. O that my soul were wrapt up in love, and my longing after God increased!

♦“walk-on” replaced with “walking on”

Saturday, April 3. I thought, if God would take me to himself, my soul would exceedingly rejoice. O that I may be always humble and resigned to God, and that God would fix my soul on himself, that I may be more fitted both for doing and suffering!

*Lord’s-day, April 4. O my blessed God! Let me climb up near to him, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle, and reach, and stretch after him, and for deliverance from the body of sin and death.—Alas! my soul mournedto think I should ever lose sight of its Beloved again. “O come, Lord Jesus, Amen.”

*Tuesday, April 6. I cried to God to wash my soul, and cleanse me from my exceeding filthiness.—And I could think of undergoing the greatest sufferings, with pleasure; and found myself willing (if God should so order it) to suffer banishment from my native land, among the Heathen, that I might do something for their salvation, in distresses and deaths of any kind.—Then God gave me to wrestle earnestly for others, for the kingdom of Christ in the world, and for my dear Christian friends.—I felt myself weaned from the world, and from my own reputation, willing to be despised, and to be a gazing-stock for the world.—It is impossible for me to express what I then felt: I had not much joy, but a sense of the majesty of God, which made me tremble; I saw myself mean and vile, which made me more willing that God should do what he would with me; it was all infinitely reasonable.

Thursday, April 8. I had hopes respecting the Heathen. O that God would bring in numbers of them to Christ! I cannot but hope I shall see that glorious day.—Every thing in this world seems exceeding vile and little to me: I look so myself.

Saturday, April 10. I spent much time in secret this morning, and not without some comfort; but am so low, and feel so little of the presenceof God, that I hardly know what to call faith, and am made to “possess the sins of my youth,” and the dreadful sin of my nature, and am all sin. Yet I feel some faint hopes, that God will, of his infinite mercy, return.

Lord’s-day, April 11. I had sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at the heavenly world. O for the happy day!—After public worship God gave me special assistance in prayer; I wrestled with my dear Lord with much sweetness; and intercession was a sweet and delightful employment.—In the evening, as I was viewing the lights in the north, I was delighted in contemplation on the glorious morning of the resurrection.

*Monday, April 12. This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the light of his countenance upon me in secret prayer, and made the season very precious to my soul. I felt myself exceeding calm, and quite resigned to God, respecting my future employment: my faith lifted me above the world, and removed all those mountains, that I could not look over of late: I wanted not the favour of men to lean upon; for I knew Christ’s favour was infinitely better, and that it was no matterwhen, norwhere, norhowChrist should send me, nor what trials he should exercise me with, if I might be prepared for his work and will. I now found sweetly revived in my mind the wonderful discovery of infinite wisdom in all the dispensations of God towards me, which I had a little before I metwith my great trial at college; every thing appeared full of the wisdom of God.

Wednesday, April 14. My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for the mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. O there is a sweet day coming, wherein “the weary will be at rest!” My soul has enjoyed much sweetness this day in the hopes of its speedy arrival.

Thursday, April 15. My desires centered in God, and I found a sensible attraction of soul after him:I long for God, and a conformity to his will, in inward holiness, ten thousand times more than for any thing here below.

Lord’s-day, April 18. I retired early this morning in the woods; and was enabled to plead with fervency for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom.—At night I saw myself infinitely indebted to God, and had a view of my short comings: it seemed to me, that I had done nothing for God, and that I hadlived to himbut a few hours of my life.

*Monday, April 19. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer to God for his grace, to prepare me for the work of the ministry, and in his own time to send me into his harvest. I felt a power of intercession for the advancement of the kingdom of my dear Lord; and withal, a sweet resignation, and even joy in the thoughts of suffering hardships, distresses, yea death itself, in the promotion of it. In the afternoon, “Godwas with me of a truth.” O it was blessed company indeed! God enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet with sweat, tho’ in the shade. My soul was drawn out very much for the world; I grasped for multitudes of souls. I had more enlargement for sinners, than for the children of God; though I felt as if I could spend my life in cries for both. I never felt such an entire weanedness from this world, and so much resigned to God in every thing.—O that I may always livetoanduponmy blessed God!

Tuesday, April 20. This day I am twenty-four years of age. O how much mercy have I received the year past! How often has God “caused his goodness to pass before me!” And how poorly have I answered the vows I made this time twelvemonth, to be wholly the Lord’s, to be for ever devoted to his service! The Lord help me to live more to his glory.——This has been a sweet day to me: blessed be God. I think my soul was never so drawn out in intercession forothers. I had a fervent wrestle with the Lord for myenemies; and I hardly ever so longed tolive to God, and to be altogether devoted to him.

Lord’s day, April 25. This morning I spent about two hours in secret, and was enabled more than ordinarily to agonize for immortal souls; though it was early in the morning, and the sun scarcely shined at all, yet my body was quite wet with sweat. I felt myself much pressed, as frequentlyof late, to plead for the meekness and calmness of the Lamb of God. O it is a sweet disposition, heartily to forgive all injuries, to wish our greatest enemies as well as we do our own souls! Blessed Jesus, may I daily be more and more conformed to thee! At night I was exceedingly melted with divine love, and had a sense of the blessedness of the upper world. Those words hung upon me with much sweetness, Psalmslxxxiv.7. “They go from strength to strength, every one of them in Zion appeareth before God.” O thenear accessthat God sometimes gives us in our addresses to him! This may well be termedappearing before God; it is so indeed, in the true spiritual sense. I longed for the coming of my dear Lord; I longed to join the angelic hosts in praises, wholly free from imperfection. O the blessed moment hastens! All I want is to be more holy, more like my dear Lord. O for sanctification! My very soul pants for the compleat restoration of the blessed image of my Saviour; that I may be fit for the blessed enjoyments and employments of the heavenly world.

Monday, April 26. I continued in a sweet frame of mind. God was pleased to make it a humbling season. My soul exceedingly longs for that blessed state of perfection, of deliverance from all sin!——At night God enabled me to give my soul up to him, to cast myself upon him, to be disposed of according to his sovereignpleasure; and I enjoyed great peace and consolation in so doing. My soul took sweet delight in God: my thoughts freely and sweetly centered in him. O that I could spend every moment of my life to his glory!

*Tuesday, April 27. I retired and God was pleased to pour such ineffable comforts into my soul, that I could do nothing for sometime but say over and over, “O my sweet Saviour! O my sweet Saviour! Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.” If I had a thousand lives, my soul would gladly have laid them all down, to have been with Christ. My soul never enjoyed so much of heaven before; it was the most refined communion with God I ever felt: I never before felt so great a degree of resignation.

*Wednesday, April 28. I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, and spent about two hours in secret. I felt much as I did yesterday morning, only weaker and more overcome. I seemed to hang wholly on my dear Lord; wholly weaned from all other dependencies. I knew not what to say to my God, but onlylean on his bosom, as it were, and breathe out my desires after perfect conformity to him in all things. Thirsting desires and insatiable longings, possessed my soul after perfect holiness; God was so precious to my soul, that the world with all its enjoyments was infinitely vile; I had nomore value for the favour of men, than for pebbles: the Lord was my all; and he over ruled all; which greatly delighted me. I think my faith and dependance on God scarce ever rose so high. I saw him such a fountain of goodness, that it seemed impossible I should distrust him again, or be any way anxious about any thing that should happen to me.——In the evening my heart seemed sweetly to melt, and was humbled for indwelling corruption, and I mourned like a dove. I felt that all my unhappiness arose from my being a sinner; for with resignation I could welcome all other trials; but sin hung heavy upon me: for God discovered to me the corruption of my heart; so that I went to bed with a heavy heart, because I was a sinner: though I did not in the least doubt of God’s love. O that God would “purge away all my dross, and take away my♦tin.”

♦“sin” replaced with “tin” per Errata

Friday, April 30. Nothing grieves me so much as that I cannot live constantly to God’s glory. I could bear any spiritual conflicts, if I could but havemy heartall the while burning with love to God; for when Ifeelthis I cannot be dejected, but onlyrejoice in my Saviour, who has delivered me from the reigning power, and will shortly deliver me from the indwelling of sin.

Lord’s-day, May 2. God was pleased to give me such a sight of myself, as made me appear vile in my own eyes: I felt corruption in my heart, which I could by no means suppress; Iwas exceeding weak, and almost sick with my inward trials.

Lord’s-day, May 9. I never felt so much of the cursed pride of my heart, as well as the stubbornness of my will before. O what a wretch I am! I could not submit to be nothing, and to lie down in the dust. Oh that God would humble me! I felt myself such a sinner, all day, that I had scarce any comfort. Oh when shall I be “delivered from the body of this death!” I greatly feared, lest through stupidity I should lose the benefit of these trials. O that they might be sanctified to my soul! Nothing seemed to touch me but this, that I was a sinner.

Thursday, May 13. I saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought there was so much spiritual pride in my soul: I was almost pressed to death with my vileness. Oh whata body of deathis there in me!Lord, deliver my soul.O the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that can be enjoyed on earth!

Friday, May 14. I waited on a council of ministers, and spread before them the treatment I had met with at Yale-college; who thought it adviseable to intercede for me with the rector and trustees, and to intreat them to restore me to my former privileges.¹

¹The application which was then made on his behalf, had not the desired success.

Saturday, June 12. I spent much time in prayer this morning, and enjoyed much sweetness.—Felt insatiable longings after God: I wondered how poor souls do to live, that haveno God.—The world, with all its enjoyments, quite vanished. I see myself very helpless: but I have a blessed God to go to. I longed exceedingly “to be dissolved, and to be with Christ, to behold his glory.” Oh, my weak weary soul longs to arrive atmy Father’s house!

Monday, June 14. I felt something of the sweetness of communion with God, and theconstrainingforce ofhis love:—I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to intreat God to bless me with regard to the great work ofpreaching the gospel. Just at night, the Lord visited me marvellously in prayer: I think my soul never was in such an agony before: I felt no restraint; for the treasures of divine grace were opened to me; I wrestled for my absent friends, for the ingathering of souls, for multitudes of poor souls, and for many that I thought were the children of God, personally, in many distant places. I was in such an agony, till near dark, that I was all over wet with sweat: but yet it seemed to me that I had wasted away the day, and had done nothing. Oh, my dear Jesus didsweat bloodfor poor souls! I longed for more compassion towards them.

Tuesday, June 15. I had the most ardent longings after God, that I ever felt in my life: at noon, in secret, I could do nothing but tell mydear Lord, that he knew I longed for nothing buthimself, nothing butholiness; thathehad given me these desires, and heonlycould give me the thing desired. I never seemed to be so unhinged from myself, and to be so wholly devoted to God. My heart was swallowed up in God most of the day. In the evening I had such a view of the soul’s being enlarged, to contain more holiness; that my soul seemed ready to separate from my body, to obtain it. I then wrestled in an agony for divine blessings; and had my heart drawn out in prayer for some Christian friends, beyond what I ever had before.—I feel differently now from whatever I did under any sweet enjoyments before; more engaged tolive to Godfor ever. Oh how short do I fall of my duty in my sweetest moments!

Friday, June 18. Considering my great unfitness for theministry, I set apart this day for prayer to God, and found God graciously near; once in particular, while I was pleading for more compassion for immortal souls, myheartseemed to beopenedat once, and I was enabled to cry with great ardency.

*Oh, I was distressed, to think, that I should offer such dead cold services to theliving God! My soul seemed to breathe after holiness, a life of constant devotedness to God. But I am almost lost sometimes in the pursuit of this blessedness, and ready to sink, because I continually fall short. O that the Lord would help me tohold out, yet a little while, till the happy hour of deliverance comes!

Lord’s-day, June 20. I spent much time alone. My soul longed to be holy, and reached after God; Ihungeredandthirsted; but was not satisfied. My soul hung on God, as my only portion. O that I could grow in grace more abundantly every day!

Tuesday, June 22. I was sweetly composed and resigned to God’s will; enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with him, and to have my whole dependence upon him: my secret retirement was very refreshing. It appeared such a happiness to have God for my portion, that I had rather be any other creature in this lower creation, than not to come to the enjoyment of God: I had rather be a beast, than a man, without God, if I were to live here to eternity. Lord endear thyself more to me!

Wednesday, June 30. Spent this day alone in the woods, in fasting and prayer; underwent the most dreadful conflicts in my soul, that ever I felt; I saw myself so vile, that I was ready to say, “I shall now perish by the hand of Saul.” I almost concluded, I had no power to stand for the cause of God, but was “afraid of the shaking of a leaf.” Spent almost the whole day in prayer. I could not bear to think of Christians shewing me any respect. I almost despaired of doing any service in the world; I could not feel any hope respecting the Heathen, which used toafford me some refreshment in the darkest hours. I spent the dayin the bitterness of my soul. Near night I enjoyed some sweetness in prayer.

Saturday, July 3. My heart seemed again to sink. The disgrace I was laid under at college seemed to damp me, as it opens the mouths of opposers. I had no refuge but in God. Blessed be his name, that I may go tohimat all times, and find him apresent help.

Lord’s-day, July 4. I withdrew, and enjoyed a happy season in secret: God was pleased to give me the exercise of faith, and thereby brought the invisible and eternal world near to my soul. I hoped, that my wearypilgrimagewould beshort; that it would not be long before I was brought to my Father’s house: but I was sweetly resigned to God’s will, to tarry his time, to do his work, and suffer his pleasure. I felt pleased, to belittle, to benothing, and tolie in the dust. I enjoyed life and sweet consolation in pleading for the dear children of God, and the kingdom of Christ in the world: and my soul earnestly breathed after holiness, and the enjoyment of God. “O come, Lord Jesus! come quickly Amen.”

Monday, July 19. My desires are carried out after weanedness from theworld, perfect deadness to it, and to becrucifiedto all its allurements. My soul longs to feel itself apilgrimandstrangerhere below; that nothing may divert me frompressing through the lonely desert, till I arrive at my Father’s house.

*Thursday, July 22. Journeying from Southbury to Ripton, I called at a house, where being kindly entertained, I was filled with amazement and shame, that God should stir up the hearts of any to shew so much kindness to such adead dogas I; and was sensible, how exceeding vile it is, not to be wholly devoted to God. I wondered, that God would suffer any of his creatures to feed and sustain me from time to time.

Thursday, July 29. I was examined by the association met at Danbury, as to my learning, and experiences in religion, and received a licence from them to preach the gospel of Christ. Afterwards I felt much devoted to God: joined in prayer with one of the ministers; and went to bed resolving to live devoted to God all my days.

PARTIII.From the time of his being licensed to preach, till he was appointedMissionaryto theIndians.FRIDAY, July 30, 1742. I rode from Danbury to Southbury; preached there from 1 Peteriv.6. I had much of the comfortable presence of God in the exercise: I seemed to havepower with God in prayer, and power to get hold of the hearts of the people.Lord’s-day, August 8. In the morning I felt comfortably in secret prayer; my soul was refreshed with the hopes of the Heathens coming to Christ; I was much resigned to God, and thought it was no matter what became ofme.Thursday, August 12. This morning I was exercised with sore inward trials: I had no power to pray; but seemed shut out from God, I had in a great measure lost my hopes of God’s sending me among the Heathen, and of seeing them flock to Christ. I saw so much of my hellish vileness, that I appeared worse to myself than any devil: I wondered that God would let me live, and wondered that people did not stone me, much more that they would ever hear me preach! It seemed as though I neither could nor should preach any more: yet about nine or ten o’clock, the people came, and I was forced to preach. And blessed be God, he gave me his presence and Spirit: so that I spoke with power from Jobxiv.14. Some Indians cried out in great distress,¹and all appeared greatly concerned.¹It was in a place in the western borders of Connecticut, where there is a number of Indians.Tuesday, August 17. I was exceedingly depressed in spirit; it cuts and wounds my heart, to think how muchspiritual pride, andwarmth of temper, I haveformerlyintermingled with my endeavours to promote God’s work: and sometimesI long to lie down at the feet of opposers, and confess what a poor creature I have been, and still am. Oh, the Lord forgive me, and make me for the future “wise as a serpent, and harmless as a dove!”Thursday, August 17. This day, being about to go fromMr.Bellamy’s at Bethlehem, where I had resided some time, I prayed with him, and two or three other Christian friends, and we gave ourselves to God with all our hearts, to be his for ever: eternity looked very near to me. If I never see them again in this world, it seemed but a few moments before I should meet them in another.Friday, August 20. I appeared so vile to myself, that I hardly dared to think of being seen, especially on account of spiritual pride. However, to-night I enjoyed a sweet hour alone with God, (at Ripton) I was lifted up above the frowns and flatteries of this world, had a sweet relish of heavenly joys, and my soul did as it were get into the eternal world, and really taste of heaven.Monday, August 23. I had a sweet season in secret prayer: the Lord drew near to my soul, and filled me with peace and consolation. My soul tasted the sweetness of the upper world; and was drawn out in prayer for the world, that it might come to Christ!*Monday, August 30. I prayed with a Christian friend or two; and, I think, scarce everlaunched so far into the eternal world; I got so far out on the broad ocean, that my soul triumphed over all the evils on the shores of mortality.——Time, and all its gay amusements and cruel disappointments, never appeared so inconsiderable to me before; I saw myself nothing, and my soul reached after God with intense desire. I knew, I had never lived a moment to him as I should do: indeed it appeared to me, I had never done any thing in Christianity; my soul longed with a vehement desire tolive to God.Saturday, September 4. God enabled me to wrestle ardently for the Redeemer’s kingdom; and for my dear brother John, that God would make him more of a pilgrim and stranger on the earth, and fit him for singular serviceableness in the world; and my heart sweetly exulted in the Lord, in the thoughts of any distresses that might light on him or me, in the advancement of Christ’s kingdom.*Wednesday, September 8. I felt exceedingly weaned from the world.—In the afternoon I discoursed on divine things with a Christian friend, whereby we were both refreshed. Then I prayed, with a sweet sense of the blessedness of communion with God: I think I scarce ever enjoyed more of God in any one prayer. I knew not that ever I saw so much of my own nothingness in my life; never wondered so, that God allowedme to preach his word: never was so astonished as now.*Friday, September 10. I longed with intense desire after God; my whole soul seemed impatient to be conformed to him, and to become “holy, as he is holy.” In the afternoon, I prayed with a dear friend, and had the presence of God with us; our souls united together to reach after a blessed immortality, to be unclothed of the body of sin and death, and to enter the blessed world, where no unclean thing enters. O with what intense desire did our souls long for that blessed day that we might be freed from sin, and for ever livetoandinour God!Thursday, September 16. I enjoyed much of God in secret prayer: felt an uncommon resignation, tobeanddowhat God pleased. Some days past, I feltgreat perplexityon account of my past conduct:my bitterness, and want of Christian kindness and love, has beenvery distressingto my soul: the Lord forgive me myunchristian warmth, and want of a spirit of meekness!Saturday, September 18. I felt compassion for souls, and mourned I had no more. I feel much more kindness, meekness, gentleness, and love towards all mankind than ever. I longed to be at the feet of my enemies and persecutors: enjoyed some sweetness, in feeling my soul conformed to Christ Jesus, and given away to him for ever.[Through this, and the two following weeks, he passed through a variety of exercises: he was frequently dejected, and sometimes sunk into the depths of melancholy: Not with regard to the favour of God, but about his own sinful infirmities, and unfitness for God’s service. Though his mind was extremely depressed with a sense of inexpressible vileness, yet, in the mean time, he had many seasons of comfort and spiritual refreshment.]*Lord’s-day, October 17. I had a sense of my helplessness; especially when I went to the place of public worship. I found I could not speak a word for God without his special assistance: I went into the assembly trembling, under a sense of my insufficiency to do any thing as I ought to do.—But it pleased God to afford me much assistance, and there seemed to be a considerable effect on the hearers.—O that I might be “faithful to the death, fulfilling as an hireling my day,” till the shades of the evening of life shall free my soul from the toils of the day! This evening I felt such longing desires after deliverance from sin, and conformity to God, as melted my heart. Oh, I longed to be “delivered from this body of death!” to be conformed to God entirely, fully, and for ever.—I scarce ever preach without being first visited with inward conflicts and sore trials. Blessed be the Lord for these trials and distresses, as they are blessed for my humbling.Monday, October 18. I felt some sweetness, but was still pressed through trials of soul. My life is a constant mixture of consolations and conflicts, and will be so till I arrive at the world of spirits.Tuesday, October 19. This morning and last night, felt a sweet longing in my soul after holiness: my soul seemed so to reach and stretch towards the mark of perfect sanctity, that it was ready to break with longings.*Thursday, October 21. I had a very deep sense of the vanity of the world, and had little more regard to it, than if I had been to go into eternity the next hour. Through divine goodness, I felt very serious and solemn. O, I love to live on the brink of eternity! This gives me a sweet, awful, and reverential sense of God and divine things, when I see myself as it werestanding before the judgment seat of Christ.*Friday, October 22. I was uncommonly weaned from the world: my soul delighted to be astranger and a pilgrim on the earth; I felt a disposition never to have any thing to do with this world: the character given of some of the antient people of God, in Hebrewsxi.13. was very pleasing to me, “they confessed that they were pilgrims and strangers on the earth,” and O that I could always do so!—It is sweet to be thus weaned from friends, and from myself, and dead to the world, that I may live whollytoanduponthe blessed God.Monday, October 26. [At Turky-Hills] In the evening I enjoyed the divine presence: it was a sweet and comfortable season: my soullonged for God, for the living God: enjoyed a sweet solemnity of spirit, and longing desire after the recovery of the divine image: “Then shall I be satisfied, when I shall awake in God’s likeness,” and never before.Tuesday, October 27. [At West-Suffield] I underwent the most dreadful distresses, under a sense of my own unworthiness: it seemed to me, I deserved rather to be driven out of the place, than to have any body to come to hear me preach. And verily my spirits were so depressed, that it was impossible I should treat immortal souls with faithfulness: I could not deal closely and faithfully with them, I felt so infinitely vile in myself. Oh, whatdust and ashesI am, to think of preaching the gospel to others! Indeed I never can be faithful for one moment, but shall certainly “daub with untempered mortar,” if God do not grant me special help.—In the evening, I went to the meeting-house, and it looked to me near as easy for one to rise out of the grave and preach, as for me. However God was pleased to lift me up and enable me to preach. O the wonderful goodness of God to so vile a sinner!Wednesday, October 28. I was not a little concerned about preaching in the afternoon: felt exceedinglywithout strength, went into the house,ashamed to see any come to hear such an unspeakably worthless wretch. However God enabled me to speak with clearness, power, and pungency.Thursday, November 4. [At Lebanon] I was concerned that I had no more sense of my insufficiency and unworthiness. O it is sweetlying in the dust! But it is distressing to feel in my soul that hell of corruption.—In the afternoon I had a sense of the sweetness of a strict, close, and constant devotedness to God, and felt a pleasing yet painful concern, lest I should spend some momentswithout God. O may I alwayslive to God!—In the evening I felt an intense desire to spend every moment for God.—God is unspeakably gracious to me continually: in times past, he has given me inexpressible sweetness in the performance of duty; frequently my soul has enjoyed much of God; but has been ready to say, “Lord, it is good to be here;” and so to indulge sloth. But of late God has been pleased to keep my soulhungry, almost continually; so that I have been filled with a kind of pleasing pain. When I really enjoy God, I feel my desires of him the more insatiable, and my thirstings after holiness the more unquenchable; and the Lord will not allow me to feel as though I were fully supplied and satisfied, but keeps me still reaching forward; and I feel barren and empty, as though I could not live, without more of God in me; I feel ashamed and guiltybefore God. Oh! I see,“the law is spiritual, but I am carnal.” I do not, I cannot live to God. Oh for holiness! Oh for more of God in my soul! Oh this pleasing pain! It makes my soul press after God; the language of it is, “Then shall I be satisfied, when I awake in God’s likeness,” (Psalmsxxvii.ultima) but never, never before: and consequently I am engaged to “press towards the mark,” day by day. O that I may feel this continual hunger, and not be retarded, but rather be animated by every cluster from Canaan, to reach forward in the narrow way, for the full enjoyment of the heavenly inheritance! O that I may never loiter in my heavenly journey.Lord’s day, November 7, it seemed as if such an unholy wretch as I never could arrive at that blessedness, to be “holy, as God is holy.” At noon I longed for sanctification, and conformity to God. Oh, that isTHE ALL, THE ALL! The Lord help me topress after Godfor ever.Monday, November 18. I longed for an arrival in theheavenly country, the blessed paradise of God. Through divine goodness, I have scarce seen the day, for two months, butdeathhas looked so pleasant to me, that I could have rejoiced thepresentshould be mylast; and I trust that I shall be able to say, “O death, where is thy sting!” and, “O grave, where is thy victory!”Friday, November 19. [At New-Haven] I received a letter from theRev.Mr.Pemberton ofNew-York, desiring me speedily to go down thither, and consult about the Indian affairs, and to meet certain gentlemen there that were intrusted with them. I retired with two or three friends, and prayed; and was enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with God.Wednesday, November 24. I came to New-York; felt still much concerned about the importance of my business; put up many earnest requests to God; was confused with the noise and tumult of the city; enjoyed but little time alone with God; but my soul longed after him.Thursday, November 25. I spent much time in prayer and supplication: was examined by some gentlemen of my Christian experience, and my acquaintance with divinity, and some other studies, in order to my improvement in that important affair of gospellizing the Heathen¹: was made sensible of my great ignorance and unfitness for public service: *I had the most abasing thoughts of myself, I think, that ever I had: I thought myself the worst wretch that ever lived: it pained my heart, that any body should shew me any respect. Alas! I thought, how sadly they are deceived in me! how miserably would they be disappointed, if they knew my inside! Oh my heart!—And in this depressed condition,I was forced to go and preach to a considerable assembly, before some grave and learned ministers; but I felt such a pressure from a sense of my vileness, ignorance, and unfitness to appear in public, that I was almost overcome with it: my soul was grieved for the congregation, that they should sit there to hear such adead dogas I preach; I thought myself infinitely indebted to the people, and longed that God would reward them with his grace.¹These gentlemen that examinedMr.Brainerd, were the correspondents in New-York, New-Jersey, and Pensylvania, of the honourable society in Scotland for propagating Christian knowledge; to whom was committed the management of their affairs in those parts, and who were now met at New-York.

From the time of his being licensed to preach, till he was appointedMissionaryto theIndians.

FRIDAY, July 30, 1742. I rode from Danbury to Southbury; preached there from 1 Peteriv.6. I had much of the comfortable presence of God in the exercise: I seemed to havepower with God in prayer, and power to get hold of the hearts of the people.

Lord’s-day, August 8. In the morning I felt comfortably in secret prayer; my soul was refreshed with the hopes of the Heathens coming to Christ; I was much resigned to God, and thought it was no matter what became ofme.

Thursday, August 12. This morning I was exercised with sore inward trials: I had no power to pray; but seemed shut out from God, I had in a great measure lost my hopes of God’s sending me among the Heathen, and of seeing them flock to Christ. I saw so much of my hellish vileness, that I appeared worse to myself than any devil: I wondered that God would let me live, and wondered that people did not stone me, much more that they would ever hear me preach! It seemed as though I neither could nor should preach any more: yet about nine or ten o’clock, the people came, and I was forced to preach. And blessed be God, he gave me his presence and Spirit: so that I spoke with power from Jobxiv.14. Some Indians cried out in great distress,¹and all appeared greatly concerned.

¹It was in a place in the western borders of Connecticut, where there is a number of Indians.

Tuesday, August 17. I was exceedingly depressed in spirit; it cuts and wounds my heart, to think how muchspiritual pride, andwarmth of temper, I haveformerlyintermingled with my endeavours to promote God’s work: and sometimesI long to lie down at the feet of opposers, and confess what a poor creature I have been, and still am. Oh, the Lord forgive me, and make me for the future “wise as a serpent, and harmless as a dove!”

Thursday, August 17. This day, being about to go fromMr.Bellamy’s at Bethlehem, where I had resided some time, I prayed with him, and two or three other Christian friends, and we gave ourselves to God with all our hearts, to be his for ever: eternity looked very near to me. If I never see them again in this world, it seemed but a few moments before I should meet them in another.

Friday, August 20. I appeared so vile to myself, that I hardly dared to think of being seen, especially on account of spiritual pride. However, to-night I enjoyed a sweet hour alone with God, (at Ripton) I was lifted up above the frowns and flatteries of this world, had a sweet relish of heavenly joys, and my soul did as it were get into the eternal world, and really taste of heaven.

Monday, August 23. I had a sweet season in secret prayer: the Lord drew near to my soul, and filled me with peace and consolation. My soul tasted the sweetness of the upper world; and was drawn out in prayer for the world, that it might come to Christ!

*Monday, August 30. I prayed with a Christian friend or two; and, I think, scarce everlaunched so far into the eternal world; I got so far out on the broad ocean, that my soul triumphed over all the evils on the shores of mortality.——Time, and all its gay amusements and cruel disappointments, never appeared so inconsiderable to me before; I saw myself nothing, and my soul reached after God with intense desire. I knew, I had never lived a moment to him as I should do: indeed it appeared to me, I had never done any thing in Christianity; my soul longed with a vehement desire tolive to God.

Saturday, September 4. God enabled me to wrestle ardently for the Redeemer’s kingdom; and for my dear brother John, that God would make him more of a pilgrim and stranger on the earth, and fit him for singular serviceableness in the world; and my heart sweetly exulted in the Lord, in the thoughts of any distresses that might light on him or me, in the advancement of Christ’s kingdom.

*Wednesday, September 8. I felt exceedingly weaned from the world.—In the afternoon I discoursed on divine things with a Christian friend, whereby we were both refreshed. Then I prayed, with a sweet sense of the blessedness of communion with God: I think I scarce ever enjoyed more of God in any one prayer. I knew not that ever I saw so much of my own nothingness in my life; never wondered so, that God allowedme to preach his word: never was so astonished as now.

*Friday, September 10. I longed with intense desire after God; my whole soul seemed impatient to be conformed to him, and to become “holy, as he is holy.” In the afternoon, I prayed with a dear friend, and had the presence of God with us; our souls united together to reach after a blessed immortality, to be unclothed of the body of sin and death, and to enter the blessed world, where no unclean thing enters. O with what intense desire did our souls long for that blessed day that we might be freed from sin, and for ever livetoandinour God!

Thursday, September 16. I enjoyed much of God in secret prayer: felt an uncommon resignation, tobeanddowhat God pleased. Some days past, I feltgreat perplexityon account of my past conduct:my bitterness, and want of Christian kindness and love, has beenvery distressingto my soul: the Lord forgive me myunchristian warmth, and want of a spirit of meekness!

Saturday, September 18. I felt compassion for souls, and mourned I had no more. I feel much more kindness, meekness, gentleness, and love towards all mankind than ever. I longed to be at the feet of my enemies and persecutors: enjoyed some sweetness, in feeling my soul conformed to Christ Jesus, and given away to him for ever.

[Through this, and the two following weeks, he passed through a variety of exercises: he was frequently dejected, and sometimes sunk into the depths of melancholy: Not with regard to the favour of God, but about his own sinful infirmities, and unfitness for God’s service. Though his mind was extremely depressed with a sense of inexpressible vileness, yet, in the mean time, he had many seasons of comfort and spiritual refreshment.]

*Lord’s-day, October 17. I had a sense of my helplessness; especially when I went to the place of public worship. I found I could not speak a word for God without his special assistance: I went into the assembly trembling, under a sense of my insufficiency to do any thing as I ought to do.—But it pleased God to afford me much assistance, and there seemed to be a considerable effect on the hearers.—O that I might be “faithful to the death, fulfilling as an hireling my day,” till the shades of the evening of life shall free my soul from the toils of the day! This evening I felt such longing desires after deliverance from sin, and conformity to God, as melted my heart. Oh, I longed to be “delivered from this body of death!” to be conformed to God entirely, fully, and for ever.—I scarce ever preach without being first visited with inward conflicts and sore trials. Blessed be the Lord for these trials and distresses, as they are blessed for my humbling.

Monday, October 18. I felt some sweetness, but was still pressed through trials of soul. My life is a constant mixture of consolations and conflicts, and will be so till I arrive at the world of spirits.

Tuesday, October 19. This morning and last night, felt a sweet longing in my soul after holiness: my soul seemed so to reach and stretch towards the mark of perfect sanctity, that it was ready to break with longings.

*Thursday, October 21. I had a very deep sense of the vanity of the world, and had little more regard to it, than if I had been to go into eternity the next hour. Through divine goodness, I felt very serious and solemn. O, I love to live on the brink of eternity! This gives me a sweet, awful, and reverential sense of God and divine things, when I see myself as it werestanding before the judgment seat of Christ.

*Friday, October 22. I was uncommonly weaned from the world: my soul delighted to be astranger and a pilgrim on the earth; I felt a disposition never to have any thing to do with this world: the character given of some of the antient people of God, in Hebrewsxi.13. was very pleasing to me, “they confessed that they were pilgrims and strangers on the earth,” and O that I could always do so!—It is sweet to be thus weaned from friends, and from myself, and dead to the world, that I may live whollytoanduponthe blessed God.

Monday, October 26. [At Turky-Hills] In the evening I enjoyed the divine presence: it was a sweet and comfortable season: my soullonged for God, for the living God: enjoyed a sweet solemnity of spirit, and longing desire after the recovery of the divine image: “Then shall I be satisfied, when I shall awake in God’s likeness,” and never before.

Tuesday, October 27. [At West-Suffield] I underwent the most dreadful distresses, under a sense of my own unworthiness: it seemed to me, I deserved rather to be driven out of the place, than to have any body to come to hear me preach. And verily my spirits were so depressed, that it was impossible I should treat immortal souls with faithfulness: I could not deal closely and faithfully with them, I felt so infinitely vile in myself. Oh, whatdust and ashesI am, to think of preaching the gospel to others! Indeed I never can be faithful for one moment, but shall certainly “daub with untempered mortar,” if God do not grant me special help.—In the evening, I went to the meeting-house, and it looked to me near as easy for one to rise out of the grave and preach, as for me. However God was pleased to lift me up and enable me to preach. O the wonderful goodness of God to so vile a sinner!

Wednesday, October 28. I was not a little concerned about preaching in the afternoon: felt exceedinglywithout strength, went into the house,ashamed to see any come to hear such an unspeakably worthless wretch. However God enabled me to speak with clearness, power, and pungency.

Thursday, November 4. [At Lebanon] I was concerned that I had no more sense of my insufficiency and unworthiness. O it is sweetlying in the dust! But it is distressing to feel in my soul that hell of corruption.—In the afternoon I had a sense of the sweetness of a strict, close, and constant devotedness to God, and felt a pleasing yet painful concern, lest I should spend some momentswithout God. O may I alwayslive to God!—In the evening I felt an intense desire to spend every moment for God.—God is unspeakably gracious to me continually: in times past, he has given me inexpressible sweetness in the performance of duty; frequently my soul has enjoyed much of God; but has been ready to say, “Lord, it is good to be here;” and so to indulge sloth. But of late God has been pleased to keep my soulhungry, almost continually; so that I have been filled with a kind of pleasing pain. When I really enjoy God, I feel my desires of him the more insatiable, and my thirstings after holiness the more unquenchable; and the Lord will not allow me to feel as though I were fully supplied and satisfied, but keeps me still reaching forward; and I feel barren and empty, as though I could not live, without more of God in me; I feel ashamed and guiltybefore God. Oh! I see,“the law is spiritual, but I am carnal.” I do not, I cannot live to God. Oh for holiness! Oh for more of God in my soul! Oh this pleasing pain! It makes my soul press after God; the language of it is, “Then shall I be satisfied, when I awake in God’s likeness,” (Psalmsxxvii.ultima) but never, never before: and consequently I am engaged to “press towards the mark,” day by day. O that I may feel this continual hunger, and not be retarded, but rather be animated by every cluster from Canaan, to reach forward in the narrow way, for the full enjoyment of the heavenly inheritance! O that I may never loiter in my heavenly journey.

Lord’s day, November 7, it seemed as if such an unholy wretch as I never could arrive at that blessedness, to be “holy, as God is holy.” At noon I longed for sanctification, and conformity to God. Oh, that isTHE ALL, THE ALL! The Lord help me topress after Godfor ever.

Monday, November 18. I longed for an arrival in theheavenly country, the blessed paradise of God. Through divine goodness, I have scarce seen the day, for two months, butdeathhas looked so pleasant to me, that I could have rejoiced thepresentshould be mylast; and I trust that I shall be able to say, “O death, where is thy sting!” and, “O grave, where is thy victory!”

Friday, November 19. [At New-Haven] I received a letter from theRev.Mr.Pemberton ofNew-York, desiring me speedily to go down thither, and consult about the Indian affairs, and to meet certain gentlemen there that were intrusted with them. I retired with two or three friends, and prayed; and was enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with God.

Wednesday, November 24. I came to New-York; felt still much concerned about the importance of my business; put up many earnest requests to God; was confused with the noise and tumult of the city; enjoyed but little time alone with God; but my soul longed after him.

Thursday, November 25. I spent much time in prayer and supplication: was examined by some gentlemen of my Christian experience, and my acquaintance with divinity, and some other studies, in order to my improvement in that important affair of gospellizing the Heathen¹: was made sensible of my great ignorance and unfitness for public service: *I had the most abasing thoughts of myself, I think, that ever I had: I thought myself the worst wretch that ever lived: it pained my heart, that any body should shew me any respect. Alas! I thought, how sadly they are deceived in me! how miserably would they be disappointed, if they knew my inside! Oh my heart!—And in this depressed condition,I was forced to go and preach to a considerable assembly, before some grave and learned ministers; but I felt such a pressure from a sense of my vileness, ignorance, and unfitness to appear in public, that I was almost overcome with it: my soul was grieved for the congregation, that they should sit there to hear such adead dogas I preach; I thought myself infinitely indebted to the people, and longed that God would reward them with his grace.

¹These gentlemen that examinedMr.Brainerd, were the correspondents in New-York, New-Jersey, and Pensylvania, of the honourable society in Scotland for propagating Christian knowledge; to whom was committed the management of their affairs in those parts, and who were now met at New-York.

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