PARTVI.

PARTVI.From his ordination, till he began to preach to the Indians at Crosweeksung.THURSDAY, June 14. I wondered, that God should open the hearts of any to treat me with kindness: and saw myself to be unworthy of any favour, from God or men. I had much pain in my head; however I determined to set out on my journey towards Delaware; but in the afternoon my pain increased, so that I was obliged to take to my bed; and the nightfollowing, I was greatly distressed with pain and sickness, and almost bereaved of reason. On Saturday I was something relieved; but unable to walk, till the Monday following. I often admired the goodness of God, that he did not suffer me to proceed on my journey from this place where I was so tenderly used.—God is very gracious to me, both in health and sickness, and intermingles much mercy with all my afflictions.[On Tuesday, June 19. He set out, and in three days reached his place, near the Forks of Delaware.]*Lord’s-day, June 24. I was scarce able to walk: however, visited my Indians, and took much pains to instruct them. But my mind was much burdened with the weight of my work. My whole dependence was on God; who alone I saw could make them willing to receive instruction. My heart was much engaged in prayer, sending up silent requests to God, even while I was speaking to them. O that I could always go in the strength of the Lord!Monday, June 25. To an eye of reason every thing that respects the conversion of the Heathen is as dark as midnight; and yet I cannot but hope in God, for the accomplishment of something glorious among them. I longed much for the advancement of the Redeemer’s kingdom on earth, and was very fearful lest I should admit some vain thought, and so lose the sense Ihad of divine things. O for an abiding heavenly temper!*Tuesday, June 26. I was much discouraged with the extreme difficulty of the work; yet God supported me; and though the work of their conversion appeared “impossible with man, yet with God” I saw “all things were possible.” I was much assisted in prayer, especially for the poor Heathen, and those of my own charge: and hoped that God would bow the heavens and come down for their salvation. It seemed to me, there could be no impediment sufficient to obstruct that glorious work, seeing the living God was engaged for it. I continued solemnly lifting up my heart to God, that I might be more mortified to this world, that my soul might be taken up continually in the advancement of Christ’s kingdom: and longed that God would purge me more, that I might be as a chosen vessel to bear his name among the Heathens.Wednesday, June 27. In the afternoon, I rode several miles to see if I could procure any lands for the poor Indians, that they might live together, and be under better advantages for instruction. While I was riding, I had a deep sense of the difficulty of my work; and my soul relied wholly upon God for success, in the diligent and faithful use of means. I saw with the greatest certainty, thatthe arm of the Lordmust berevealed, for the help of these poor Heathen,if ever they were delivered from the bondage of the powers of darkness.Thursday, June 28. Towards noon I rode up to the Indians; and while going, my heart went up to God in prayer for them; I could freely tell God, he knew the cause was not mine, but his own, and it would be for his own glory to convert the poor Indians: and blessed be God. I felt no desire of honour from the world, as the instrument of it.Saturday, June 30. My soul was much solemnized in reading God’s word; especially the ninth chapter of Daniel. *I saw how God had called out his servants to prayer, and made them wrestle with him, when he designed to bestow any great mercy on his church. And I was ashamed of myself, to think of my dulness and inactivity, when there seemed to be so much to do for the upbuilding of Zion. Oh, how does Zion lie waste! I longed, that the church of God might be enlarged: and was enabled to pray in faith; my soul seemed sensibly to confide in God, and was enabled to wrestle with him. Afterwards, I walked abroad to a place of sweet retirement, and enjoyed assistance in prayer again: had a sense of my great need of divine help, and felt my soul sensibly depend on God.*Lord’s day, July 1. After I came to the Indians, my mind was confused; and I felt nothing of that sweet reliance on God, that my soul has been comforted with in days past. Inthe afternoon I felt still barren, when I began to preach; I seemed to myself to know nothing, and to have nothing to say to the Indians; but soon after, I found in myself a spirit of love, and warmth, and power; and God helped me to plead with them, to “turn from all the vanities of the Heathen, to the living God:” I am persuaded, the Lord touched their consciences; for I never saw such attention in them before. When I came away, I spent the whole time I was riding, in prayer and praise to God. And after I had rode two miles, it came into my mind to dedicate myself to God again: which I did with great solemnity, and unspeakable satisfaction; especially giving up myself to him anew in the work of the ministry. And this I did without any exception or reserve; not in the least shrinking back from any difficulties, that might attend this blessed work. I was most free, chearful, and full in this dedication of myself. My whole soul cried, “Lord, to thee I dedicate myself: O accept of me, and let me be thine for ever. Lord, I desire nothing else; I desire nothing more. O come, come Lord, accept a poor worm. ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth, that I desire besides thee.’” After this, I was enabled to praise God with my whole soul, that he had enabled me to devote and consecrate all my powers to him in this solemn manner. My heart rejoiced in my particular work as amissionary; rejoicedin my necessity of self-denial; and still continued to give up myself to God, and implore mercy of him; praying incessantly, every moment, with sweet fervency. My nature being very weak of late, was now considerably overcome: my fingers grew very feeble, and numb, so that I could scarcely stretch them out strait; and when I lighted from my horse I could hardly walk, my joints seeming all to be loosed. But I felt abundant strengthin the inner man. I preached to the white people, and God helped me much. Sundry of my poor Indians were so moved as to come to meeting also; and one appeared much concerned.Tuesday, July 3. This morning, I was enabled to pray under a feeling sense of my need of help, to plead with God a considerable time. Truly God is good to me. But my soul was grieved at my sinfulness and♦barrenness, and longed to be more engaged for God. O it is sweet to bethe Lord’s, to be sensibly devoted to him! What a blessed portion is God! How glorious, how lovely! O my soul longed to employ my time wholly for God!—In the evening, I was enabled again to wrestle with God in prayer with fervency to maintain a self-diffident and watchful frame of spirit, jealous and afraid lest I should admit carelessness or self-confidence.♦“barreness” replaced with “barrenness”Friday, July 6. I am of late, most of all concerned for ministerial qualifications, and the conversion of the Heathen; last year, I longedto be prepared for a world of glory, and speedily to depart out of this world; but of late, my chief concern is for the conversion of the Heathen, and for that end, I long to live. But blessed be God, I have less desire to live for any of the pleasures of the world, than ever I had: I long and love to be a pilgrim; and want grace to imitate the life, labours and sufferings ofSt.Paul among the Heathen. And when I long for holiness now, it is chiefly, that whereby I may become an “able minister of the New Testament,” especially to the Heathen. I spent two hours this morning in reading and prayer; and was in a watchful tender frame, afraid of every thing that might cool my affections, and draw away my heart from God.*Lord’s day, July 8. I was watchful, tender, and jealous of my own heart, lest I should admit carelessness and vain thoughts, and grieve the blessed Spirit, so that he should withdraw his sweet, kind, and tender influences. I longed to “depart, and be with Christ,” more than at any time of late. My soul was exceedingly united to the saints of antient times, as well as those now living; especially my soul melted for the society of Elijah and Elisha.Wednesday, July 11. My soul was diffident, watchful, and tender, lest I should offend my blessed Friend, in thought or behaviour. I confided in, and leaned upon the blessed God. Oh,what need did I see myself to stand in of God at all times, to assist me and lead me!Saturday, July 21. Towards night my burden respecting my work among the Indians began to increase much; and was aggravated by hearing sundry things that looked very discouraging, in particular that they intended to meet together the next day for an idolatrous feast and dance. Then I began to be in anguish: I thought I must in conscience go and endeavour to break them up; and knew not how to attempt such a thing. However I withdrew to prayer, hoping for strength from above. And in prayer I was exceedingly enlarged, and my soul was much drawn out. I pleaded with so much earnestness and importunity, that when I arose from my knees I could scarcely walk straight, my joints were loosed, the sweat ran down my face and body, and nature seemed as if it would dissolve. I knew they were met together to worship devils, and not God, and this made me cry earnestly that God would appear, and help me in my attempts to break up this idolatrous meeting. My soul pleaded long; and I thought God would go with me to vindicate his own cause: and thus I spent the evening, praying incessantly that I might not be self-dependent, but have my whole dependence upon God. What I passed through was inexpressible. *All things here below vanished; and there appeared to be nothing of any importance to me, but holiness ofheart and life, and the conversion of the Heathen to God. All my cares, fears, and desires, which might be said to be of a worldly nature, disappeared; and were of little more importance than a puff of wind. I exceedingly longed, that God would get to himself a name among the Heathen; and I appealed to him with the greatest freedom, that he knew I “preferred him above my chief joy.” Indeed, I had no notion of joy from this world; I cared not where or how I lived, or what hardships I went through, so that I could but gain souls to Christ.Lord’s day, July 22. When I waked, my soul was burdened with what seemed to be before me: I cried to God, before I could get out of my bed: as soon as I was dressed, I withdrew into the woods, to pour out my soul to him for assistance; and did with unspeakable freedom give up myself afresh to God, for life or death, for all hardships he should call me to among the Heathen; and felt as if nothing could discourage me from this blessed work. I had a strong hope, that God would “bow the heavens and come down,” and do some marvellous work among the Heathen. And when I was riding to the Indians, my heart was continually going up to God; and hoping, that God would make this the day of his power and grace amongst the poor Indians. When I came to them, I found them engaged in their frolic; but through divine goodness I got them to break up and attend my preaching: yet still thereappeared nothing of the special power of God among them. I preached again to them in the afternoon; and observed they were more sober than before; but still saw nothing special among them; from whence Satan took occasion to buffet me with these cursed suggestions, There is no God, or if there be, he is not able to convert the Indians, before they have more knowledge. I was very weak and weary, and my soul borne down with perplexity; but was determined still to wait upon God.Tuesday, July 24. I rode over a hideous mountain, to a number of Indians, at a place called Kauksesauchung, more than thirty miles westward from the place where I usually preach. I found about thirty persons, and proposed my desire of preaching to them: they readily complied, and I preached to them only twice, they being just then removing from this place, to Susquahannah river.While I was preaching, they appeared sober, and attentive: and were somewhat surprized, having never before heard of these things. There were two or three, who suspected that I had some ill design upon them; and urged, that the white people had abused them, and taken their lands from them, and therefore they had no reason to think that they were concerned for their happiness; but, on the contrary, that they designed to make them slaves, or get them on board their vessels, and make them fight with the peopleover the water, (as they expressed it,) meaning the French and Spaniards. However the most of them appeared very friendly, and told me they were then going home to Susquahannah, and desired I would make them a visit there, and manifested a considerable desire of instruction.This invitation gave me some encouragement in my great work; and made me hope, that God designed to “open an♦effectual door to me” for spreading the gospel among the poor Heathens farther westward.♦“effectul” replaced with “effectual”[From these Indians he returned to the Irish settlement, and there preached to a numerous congregation: where was a considerable appearance of awakening. Thursday, he returned home, exceedingly fatigued and spent; still in the same mortification to the world, and solicitous for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom: and on this day he says, “I have felt, this week more of the spirit of apilgrim on earth, than ever before; and yet so desirous to see Zion’s prosperity, that I was not so willing to leave this scene of sorrow as I used to be.”—On the sabbath, he was confined by illness, not able to go out to preach. He continued very ill all the next week, and says, that “he thought he never before endured such a season of distressing weakness; and that his nature was so spent, that he could neither stand, sit, nor lie with any quiet; that he was exercised with extreme faintness and sickness at hisstomach; and that his mind was as much disordered as his body, seeming to be stupid, and without all kind of affection; and yet perplexed, to think, that he lived for nothing, that precious time rolled away, and he could do nothing but trifle.”—Concerning the next five days, he writes thus, “On Lord’s-day, August 5, was still very poor. But though very weak, I visited and preached to the poor Indians twice, and was strengthened vastly beyond my expectations. And indeed the Lord gave me freedom and fervency in addressing them: though I had not strength enough to stand, but was obliged to sit down the whole time. Towards night I was extremely weak, faint, sick, and full of pain. And I have continued much the same last week, thro’ the most of this, (it being now Friday) unable to engage in any business; frequently unable to pray in the family. I have neither strength to read, meditate, nor pray: and this perplexes my mind. I seem like a man that has all his estate embarked in one small boat, unhappily going adrift, down a swift current. The poor owner stands on the shore, and looks, and laments his loss. But, alas! though my all seems to be adrift, and I stand and see it, I dare not lament: for this sinks my spirits more, and aggravates my bodily disorders. O that God would pity my distressed state!”The next day three weeks, his illness was not so extreme; he was in some degree capable ofbusiness: he also had, for the most part, much inward assistance; he often expresses great longings for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom: he speaks of his hope of this as all his delight and joy. He continues still to express his usual longings after holiness, and living to God, and his sense of his own unworthiness; he several times speaks of his appearing to himself the vilest creature on earth; and once says, that he verily thought there was none of God’s children who fell so far short of that holiness, and perfection in their obedience, which God requires.]Saturday, September 1. I enjoyed some comfort and sweetness: and as my bodily strength was a little restored, so my soul seemed to be more engaged in the things of God.Lord’s-day, September 2. I was enabled to speak to my poor Indians with much concern and fervency; and God enabled me to exercise faith in him, while I was speaking to them. I perceived that some of them were afraid to embraceChristianity, lest they should be enchanted and poisoned by the♦powwows: but I bid a challenge to all thesepowers of darkness, to do their worst uponmefirst. I told my people, I was aChristian, and asked them why the♦powwowsdid not bewitch and poison me? I scarcely ever felt more sensible of my own unworthiness, than in this: but I saw the honour of God was concerned; and I trusted to be preservedfor a testimony of the divine power and goodness, and of the truth of Christianity.♦“powows” replaced with “powwows”Wednesday, September 26. After a journey to New-England, I rode home to the Forks of Delaware. What reason have I to bless God, who has preserved me in riding more than four hundred and twenty miles. My health likewise is greatly recovered. O that I could dedicate my all to God!Monday, October 1. I was engaged this day in making preparation for my journey to Susquahannah; and withdrew several times to plead for the divine presence to go with me to the poor Pagans. Towards night I rode about four miles, and met my brother Byram:¹who was come, at my desire, to be my companion to the Indians. I rejoiced to see him; and God made his conversation profitable to me. I saw him, as I thought more dead to the world, its cares, and alluring objects, than I was: and this made me look within myself, and gave me a greater sense of my ingratitude, and misery.¹Minister at a place calledRockciticus, about forty miles fromMr.Brainerd’s lodgings.Tuesday, October 2. I set out on my journey, in company with my dear brother Byram, and my interpreter, and two chief Indians from the Forks of Delaware. We travelled about twenty-five miles, and lodged in one of the last houses on our road; after which there was nothing but a hideous and howlingwilderness.Wednesday, October 3. We went on our way into the wilderness, and found far the most difficult and dangerous travelling, that ever any of us had seen; we had scarce any thing else but lofty mountains, deep valleys, and hideous rocks, to make our way through. However, I felt sweetness in divine things, and had my mind intensely engaged in meditation. Near night, my beast that I rode upon, hung one of her legs in the rocks, and fell down under me; but through divine goodness, I was not hurt. However, she broke her leg; and being near thirty miles from any house, I saw nothing that could be done to preserve her life, and so was obliged to kill her, and to prosecute my journey on foot. Just at dark, we kindled a fire, cut up a few bushes, and made a shelter over our heads, to save us from the frost, which was very hard; and committing ourselves to God, we lay down on the ground, and slept quietly.[The next day, they went forward on their journey, and at night took up their lodging in the woods in like manner.]Friday, October 5. We arrived at Susquahannah-river, at a place calledOpeholhaupung; and found there twelve Indian houses. After I had saluted the king in a friendly manner, I told him my business, and that my desire was to teach themChristianity. After some consultation, the Indians gathered, and I preached to them. And when I had done, I asked, if they would hear meagain. They replied, they would consider of it; and soon after sent me word, that they would immediately attend, if I would preach; which I did with much freedom. When I asked them again, whether they would hear me further, they replied, they would the next day. I was exceeding sensible of the impossibility of doing any thing for the poor Heathen without special assistance: and my soul rested on God, and left it to him, to do as he pleased in his own cause.Saturday, October 6. I preached again to the Indians: and in the afternoon, visited them from house to house, and invited them to come and hear me again the next day, and put off their hunting design, till Monday. “This night, the Lord stood by me,” to encourage and strengthen my soul: I spent more than an hour in secret retirement; and was enabled to “pour out my heart before God,” for the increase of grace in my soul, for ministerial endowments, and for success among the poor Indians.Monday, October 8. I visited the Indians with a design to take my leave, supposing they would go out a hunting early; but beyond my expectation and hope, they desired to hear me preach again. I gladly complied with their request, and endeavoured to answer theirobjectionsagainst Christianity. Then they went away; and we spent the afternoon in reading and prayer, intending to go homeward early the next day.Tuesday, October 9. We rose about four, and commending ourselves to God by prayer, we set out homewards about five, and travelled till past six at night. We then made us a fire, and a shelter of barks, and so rested.—In the night, the wolves howled round us; but God preserved us.Friday, October 12. I came home to my lodging; where I poured out my soul to God, and endeavoured to bless him for his abundant goodness to me in my late journey. I scarce ever enjoyed more health; and God marvellously, supported me under the fatigues of the way, and travelling on foot. Blessed be the Lord, that preserves me in all my ways.Lord’s-day, October 14. I was much confused and perplexed in my thoughts; and almost discouraged, thinking I should never be able to preach any more. However, I went to the place of public worship, lifting up my heart, and God was gracious to me, and helped me to plead with him for holiness, and to use strong arguments with him, drawn from the sufferings of Christ for this very end, that men might be made holy. Afterwards I was much assisted in preaching. I know not that God ever helped me to preach in a more close manner. Through the infinite goodness of God, I felt what I spake: and God enabled me to speak with uncommon clearness: and yet I was deeply sensible of my defects in preaching; blessed be the Lord for his mercy.In the evening I longed to be entirely alone, to bless God for help in extremity; and longed for greater degrees of holiness, that I might shew my gratitude to God.*Tuesday, October 16. I felt a spirit of solemnity and watchfulness; and was afraid I should not livetoanduponGod: I longed for more intenseness and spirituality. In the evening I enjoyed sweet assistance in prayer, and thirsted and pleaded to be as holy as the blessedangels.*Friday, October 19. I had an abasing sense of my own unholiness; and felt my soul melt and mourn, that I had grieved a gracious God, who was still kind to me, notwithstanding all my unworthiness. My soul enjoyed a sweet season of sorrow, that I had wronged that blessed God, who was reconciled to me in his dear Son. My soul was now tender, devout, and solemn: and I was afraid of nothing but sin; and afraid of that in every action and thought.Wednesday, October 24. Near noon I rode to my people; spent some time, and prayed with them: felt the frame of apilgrimon earth; longed much to leave this gloomy mansion; but yet found patience and resignation. As I returned home from the Indians, I spent the whole time in lifting up my heart to God.In the evening I enjoyed a blessed season in prayer; was enabled to cry to God with a child-like spirit: enjoyed a sweet freedom in supplicatingfor myself, and for my dear friends: and longed to be as lively in God’s service as the angels.*Friday, October 26. In the morning my soul was melted with a sense of divine goodness to such a vile worm; I delighted to lean upon God, and place my whole trust in him: my soul was exceedingly grieved for sin, and prized and longed after holiness; it wounded my heart deeply, yet sweetly, to think how I had abused a kind God. I longed to be perfectly holy, that I might not grieve a gracious God: I longed for holiness more for this end, than for my happiness sake: and yet this was my greatest happiness, nevermore to dishonour, but always to glorify the blessed God.Wednesday, October 31. I was sensible of my barrenness: my soul failed when I remembered the fervency I had enjoyed. Oh (I thought) if I could but be spiritual, warm, heavenly minded, and affectionately breathing after God, this would be better than life to me! My soul longed exceedingly for death, to be loosed from this dulness, and made ever active in the service of God. I seemed to live for nothing, and to do no good: and Oh, the burden of such a life! Oh, death, death, my kind friend, hasten and deliver me from dull mortality, and make me spiritual and vigorous to eternity!Thursday, November 1. I felt life, and longings after God; I longed to be always solemn,devout, and heavenly-minded; and was afraid to leave off praying, lest I should again lose a sense of the sweet things of God.Friday, November 2. I was exercised sorely with some things that I thought myself most of all freed from. And thus I have ever found it, when I have thought the battle was over, and the conquest was gained, and so let down my watch, the enemy has risen up and done me the greatest injury.[The next day he set out on a journey to New-York, to meet the Presbytery there: and was gone from home more than a fortnight. He seemed to enter on this journey with great reluctance; fearing it would cool his religious affections. But, yet, in his journey he had special seasons of God’s gracious presence. He was greatly fatigued therein by cold and storms: and when he returned from New-York to New-Jersey, was very ill for some time.]Wednesday, November 21. I rode from Newark to Rockciticus in the cold, and was almost overcome with it. But I enjoyed sweetness in conversation withMr.Jones: my soul loves the people of God, and especially the ministers, who feel the same trials that I do.*Thursday, November 22. I came on my way to Delaware river, tho’ much disordered with a cold and pain in my head. About six at night I lost my way in the wilderness, and wandered over rocks and mountains, down hideous steeps,through swamps, and most dreadful and dangerous places: and the night being dark, I was greatly exposed: I was much pinched with cold, and distressed with an extreme pain in my head, attended with sickness at my stomach; so that every step I took was distressing to me. I had little hope, but that I must lie in the woods all night. But about nine o’clock I found a house, and was kindly entertained. Thus I have frequently been exposed: but God has hitherto preserved me; blessed be his name. Such fatigues and hardships serve to wean me from the earth; and will make heaven the sweeter. Formerly, when I was thus exposed, I was ready to please myself with the thoughts of a comfortable house, a warm fire, and other outward comforts; but now these have less place in my heart, (through the grace of God) and my eye is more to God for comfort. In this world I expect tribulation, and it does not now appear strange to me. I do not in seasons of difficulty flatter myself that it will be better hereafter; but rather think, how much worse it might be; how much greater trials others of God’s children have endured; and how much greater may be reserved for me. Blessed be God, that he makes the thoughts of my journey’s-end a great comfort to me, under my sharpest trials: and scarce ever lets these thoughts be attended with terror; but frequently with great joy.[Within the next twelve days he spent much time in hard labour, to make a little cottage, to live in by himself.]Thursday, December 6. Having now a happy opportunity of being retired in a house of my own; I set apart this day for secret prayer and fasting, to implore the blessing of God on myself, on my poor people, on my friends, and on the church of God. And now God was pleased to give me a discovery ofthe plague of my own heart, more affecting than I have of late had. And especially I saw my sinfulness in this, that when God hadwithdrawnhimself, instead of living and dying inpursuitof him, I have been disposed to one of these two things, either to yield an unbecoming respect to someearthlyobjects, as if happiness were to be derived from them: or to be secretlyfrowardand impatiently desirous ofdeath. That which often drove me to this impatient desire of death, was a despair of doing any good. But now God made me sensible of my sin, and enabled me to cry to him forforgiveness. Yet this was not all I wanted: for my soul appeared exceedingly polluted; and I wanted to be purified “by the blood of sprinkling that cleanseth from all sin.” And this I was enabled to pray for in faith. I enjoyed much more intenseness, fervency, and spirituality than I expected; God was better to me than my fears. I was enabled to persevere in prayer till the evening: I saw so much need of divine help, that Iknew not how to leave off, and had forgot that I needed food.Lord’s-day, December 9. I preached both parts of the day at a place calledGreenwich, about ten miles from my own house. In the first discourse I had scarce any warmth. In the intermission season I got alone among the bushes, and cried to God being in anguish, that I could not address souls with more compassion and tender affection; which I saw I could not get of myself, any more than I could make a world. In the latter exercise, blessed be the Lord, I had some fervency, both in prayer and preaching; and in the application I was enabled to address precious souls with affection, tenderness, and importunity. The Spirit of God was there; the effects were apparent, tears running down many cheeks.Monday, December 10. I rode home, blessed God for his♦goodness; and rejoiced, that so much of my work was done, and I so much nearer my reward.♦“gooddess” replaced with “goodness” per ErrataWednesday, December 12. I was very weak, but enabled with sweetness to cry, “Come, Lord Jesus! come quickly.” My soul “longed for God, for the living God.” O how delightful it is, to pray under such influences! How much better than one’snecessary food! I had at this time no disposition to eat, (though late in the morning) for earthly food appeared wholly tasteless.—I visited and preached to the Indians, inthe afternoon; but under much dejection. I found my interpreter under some concern for his soul; which was some comfort to me. I longed greatly for his conversion, poured out my soul to God for him; and was enabled to leave all with God.Thursday, December 13. I spent the day in fasting and prayer, to implore the divine blessing, more especially on my poor people; in particular for my interpreter, and three or four more under some concern for their souls: but in the evening it seemed as if I had need to pray for nothing so much as for the pardon of sins committed in the day past. The sins I had most sense of, were pride, and wandering thoughts.Lord’s-day, December 16. I was so overwhelmed with dejection, that I knew not how to live: I longed for death exceedingly: my soul wassunk into deep waters, andthe floodswere ready todrown me: I was so much oppressed, that my soul was in a kind of horror: I had no distressing doubt about my own state; but would have chearfully ventured into eternity. While I was going to preach to the Indians, my soul was in anguish; I despaired of doing any good. But at last I insisted on the evidence of Christianity from themiraclesof Christ: and God helped me to make a close application to those that refused to believe. I was encouraged to find, that God enabled me to be faithful once more. Then I went and preached to another company of them;but was very weary and faint. In the evening I was something refreshed, and enabled to pray and praise God with composure and affection: I was now willing to live, and longed to do more for God than my weak state of body would admit of. “I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me;” and I am willing tospendandbe spentin his service.Tuesday, December 18. I went to the Indians, and discoursed to them near an hour, and at last God helped me to speak with warmth. My interpreter also was amazingly assisted; and I doubt not but “the Spirit of God was upon him.” And presently most of the grown persons were much affected, and the tears ran down their cheeks: and one old man (I suppose an hundred years old) was so affected, that he wept, and seemed convinced of the importance of what I taught them. I staid with them a considerable time, exhorting them; and came away, lifting up my heart to God, and encouraged my interpreter to “strive to enter in at the strait gate.”Thursday, January 5, 1744–5. Being sensible of the great want of the out-pouring of God’s Spirit, I spent this day in fasting and prayer, to seek so great a mercy for myself, and my poor people in particular, and for the church of God in general.Saturday, January 5. I was much disordered in my head. I was distressed with a sense of my spiritual pollution, and ten thousand youthful,yea, and childish follies: all which appeared now fresh, and in a lively view, as if committed yesterday.Wednesday, January 9. In the morning, God was pleased to remove that gloom which has of late oppressed my mind, and gave me freedom and sweetness in prayer. I was encouraged to plead for grace for myself, and mercy for my poor Indians: and was sweetly assisted in my intercessions with God for others. Those things that of late have appeared almost impossible, were now not only possible, but easy. My soul so much delighted to continue instant in prayer, that I had no desire for mynecessary food: yea, I dreaded leaving off praying, lest I should lose this spirituality, and this blessed thankfulness. I felt now quite willing to live, and undergo all trials that might remain for me in a world of sorrow; but still longed for heaven, that I might glorify God in a perfect manner.Monday, January 14. I spent this day under a great degree of bodily disorder. It pains me, that I live so much of my time for nothing. I long to do much in a little time, and if it might be the Lord’s will, tofinish my workspeedily in this tiresome world. I am sure, I do not desire to live for any thing in this world; and through grace I am not afraid to look theking of terrorsin the face: I know, I shall be afraid, if God leaves me; and therefore I think it is always my duty to lay in for that solemn hour. *But for aconsiderable time, my soul has rejoiced to think of death in its nearest approaches; and even when I have been very weak, and seemed nearest eternity. “Not unto me, not unto me, but to God be the glory.” I feel that which convinces me, that if God do not enable me to maintain a holy dependence upon him, death will be a terror, but at present, I must say, “I long to depart, and to be with Christ.” When I am in a sweet resigned frame of soul, I am willing to tarry in a world of sorrow, I am willing to be from home as long as God sees fit; but when I want the influence of this temper, I am then apt to be impatient to be gone.—Oh when will the day appear, that I shall be perfect in holiness.Wednesday and Thursday, January 16, 17. I spent most of the time in writing on a divine subject, and enjoyed freedom and assistance. O what reason have I to be thankful, that God ever helps me to labour and study for him! He does butreceive his own, when I am enabled in any measure to praise him, labour for him, and live to him.Lord’s day, January 27. I had the greatest degree of inward anguish, that ever I endured: I was perfectly overwhelmed, and so confused, that after I began to discourse to the Indians, before I could finish a sentence, sometimes I forgot entirely what I was aiming at. This distressing gloom never went off the whole day: but was so far removed, that I was enabled to speakwith some freedom to the Indians, at two of their settlements; and there was some appearance, of the presence of God with us. In the evening the gloom continued still, till at family-prayer,¹when I was praying for the conversion of my poor people, the cloud was scattered, so that I enjoyed sweetness and freedom, and conceived hopes that God designed mercy for them.¹ThoughMr.Brainerd now dwelt by himself in the little cottage, which he had built for his own use; yet that was near afamilyof white people with whom he had lived before, and with whom he still attended family-prayer.Lord’s-day, February 3. In the morning, I was somewhat relieved of that gloom, that my mind has of late been exercised with; and was enabled to pray with composure and comfort. But, however, I went to my Indians trembling; for my soul “remembered the wormwood and the gall” of Friday last; and I was greatly afraid I should be obliged again to drink of thatcup of trembling, which was inconceivably more bitter than death. But God was pleased to hear my cries, and to afford me great assistance; so that I felt peace in my soul; and was satisfied, that if not one of the Indians should be profited yet I should be accepted and rewarded as faithful.*Monday, February 11. In the evening I was in a most solemn frame: I know not that ever death appeared more real to me, or that ever I saw myself in the condition of a dead corpse, laid out, and dressed for a lodging in thesilent grave, so evidently. And yet I felt exceedingly comfortable; my mind was composed and calm, anddeathappearedwithout a sting. I never felt such an universal mortification to all created objects. Oh, how great and solemn a thing it appeared to die! How it lays the greatest honour in the dust! And how vain and trifling did the riches, honours, and pleasures of the world appear! I could not so much as think of any of them; fordeath, death, solemn (though not frightful)deathappeared at the door. I could see myself laid out, and inclosed in my coffin, and put down into the cold grave, without terror! I spent the evening in conversing with a Christian friend; and it was a comfortable evening to us both.—What are friends? What are comforts? What are sorrows? What are distresses?——“The time is short: it remains, that they that weep, be as though they wept not; and they which rejoice, as though they rejoiced not: for the fashion of this world passeth away. O come, Lord Jesus, come quickly.”Friday, February 15. I had a sweet sense of the free grace of the gospel: my soul was encouraged, warmed, and quickened, and my desires drawn out after God in prayer: being afraid of losing so sweet a guest as I then entertained. I longed to proclaim the grace I then meditated upon, to the world of sinners.—O howquickandpowerfulis thewordof the blessed God!Lord’s day, February 17. I preached to thewhitepeople in the wilderness, upon the sunny side of a hill: I had a considerable assembly, consisting of people that lived (many of them) thirty miles asunder. I discoursed to them, from Johnvii.37. “Jesus stood and cried, saying, If any man thirst,”&c.In the afternoon it pleased God to grant me great fervency; I was enabled to imitate the example of Christ, whostood and cried.—I was scarce ever enabled to offer the free grace of God to perishing sinners with more freedom and plainness. O that I could for ever bless God for the mercy of this day, who, “answered me in the joy of my heart.”Lord’s-day, February 24. Myinterpreterbeing absent, I knew not how to perform my work among the Indians. However, I rode to the Indians, and got a Dutchman to interpret, though he was but poorly qualified. Afterwards I preached to a few white people from Johnvi.67. O the free grace of Christ, that he seasonably minds his people of their danger ofbacksliding, and invites them to persevere in their adherence to himself! I saw thatbackslidingsouls might return, and welcome, to himimmediately; without any thing to recommend them; notwithstanding all their former backslidings. And I felt solemn, devout, and sweet, resting on him for assistance, acceptance, and peace of conscience.*Wednesday, March 6. I spent most of the day in preparing for a journey to New-England,and in prayer, with a reference to my journey. I was afraid I should forsake thefountain of living waters, and attempt to derive satisfaction frombroken cisterns, my dear friends and acquaintance. I looked to God to keep me from thisvanityin special, as well as others. Towards night, I was visited by some friends, who discovered an affectionate regard to me, and seemed grieved that I was about to leave them; especially seeing I did not expect to make any considerable stay among them, if I should live to return from New-England.¹O how kind has God been to me! How has he raised up friends in every place, where his providence has called me!¹It seems, he had a design to remove and live among the Indians at Susquahannah river.[The next day, he set out on his journey; and it was above five weeks before he returned.—The special design of this journey was “To raise some money among Christian friends, in order to support a♦colleague with me in the wilderness, (I having now spent two years in a very solitary manner) that we might be together; as Christ sent out his disciples two and two.” He first went into various parts of New-Jersey, then to New-York; and from thence into New-England. He then returned into New-Jersey. He seems, for the most part, to have been free from melancholy in this journey; and many times to havehad extraordinary assistance in public ministrations.]♦“collegue” replaced with “colleague”Saturday, April 13. I rode home to my own house. Blessed be the Lord, who has preserved me in this tedious journey. Verily it is God that has upheld me, and guarded my goings.[This week, he went a journey to Philadelphia, in order to engage theGovernorthere to use his interest with the chief man of theSix Nations, (with whom he maintained a strict friendship) that he would give him leave to live at Susquahannah, and instruct the Indians that are within their territories.]¹¹The Indians at Susquahannah are a mixed company of many nations, speaking various languages, and few of them properly of the Six Nations. But yet the country having formerly been conquered by the Six Nations, they claim the land; and the Susquahannah-Indians are a kind of vassals to them.Lord’s-day, April 21. In the season of the communion, I had comfortable apprehensions of the blissful communion of God’s people, when they shall meet at their Father’s table in his kingdom.—In the afternoon I preached abroad, from Revelationxiv.4. “These are they that follow the Lamb,”&c.God was pleased to give me great freedom and clearness, but not so much warmth as before. However, there was a most amazing attention in the whole assembly; and, as I was informed afterwards, this was a sweet season to many.Tuesday, April 23. I returned home to the Forks of Delaware; enjoyed some sweet meditations on the road, and was enabled to lift up my heart to God in prayer and praise.Friday, April 26. I felt a spirit of mortification to the world, in a very great degree. Afterwards I was enabled to rely on God sweetly, for “all things pertaining to life and godliness.” Just in the evening, I was visited by a dear Christian friend, with whom I spent an hour or two in conversation, on the very soul of religion. There are many with whom I can talkabout religion; but alas! I find few with whom I can talkreligion itself: but, blessed be the Lord, there are some that love to feed on the kernel, rather than the shell.[The next day, he went to the Irish settlement about fifteen miles distant: where he spent the sabbath. On Monday, he returned very weak, to his own lodgings.]Tuesday, April 30. I was scarce able to walk about, and was obliged to lie on the bed, much of the day; being neither able to read, meditate, nor pray, and having none to converse with in that wilderness. Oh, how heavily does time pass away, when I can do nothing to any good purpose?Thursday, May 2. In the evening, being a little better in health, I walked into the woods, and enjoyed a sweet season of meditation andprayer. My thoughts ran upon Psalmsxvii.15. “I shall be satisfied, when I awake with thy likeness.” I longed to preach to the whole world; and it seemed to me, they must needs all be melted in hearing such precious truths, as I had then a view of.—Blessed be the Lord, that in my present weakness, my mind is not gloomy, as at some other times.Tuesday, May 7. I spent the day chiefly in making preparation for a journey into the wilderness. I was still weak, and concerned how I should perform it. I spent some time in prayer for the divine blessing; but wanted bodily strength to spend the day in fasting and prayer.[The next day, he set out on his journey to Susquahannah, with his interpreter. He endured great hardships in his way thither through a hideous wilderness: where, after having lodged one night in the open woods, he was overtaken with a north-easterly storm, in which he was ready to perish. Having no shelter, and not being able to make a fire in so great a rain, he could have no comfort if he stopt; therefore determined to go forward in hopes of meeting with some shelter, without which he thought it impossible he should live the night through. But their horses happening to have eat poisonous plants at a place where they lodged the night before, were so sick that they could neither ride nor lead them, but were obliged to drive them before them, untilthrough the mercy of God (just at dusk) they came to a bark-hut, where they lodged that night. After he came to Susquahannah, he travelled about an hundred miles on the river, visited many towns and settlements of the Indians; and preached to different nations, by different interpreters. He was sometimes much discouraged, through the opposition that appeared in the Indians to Christianity. At other times, he was encouraged by the disposition, that some of them manifested to hear, and to be instructed. He here met with some that had formerly been his hearers at Kaunaumeek, who saw and heard him again with great joy. He spent a fortnight among the Indians; passed through considerable hardships, frequently lodging on the ground, and sometimes in the open air; and at length fell extremely ill, as he was riding in the wilderness, being seized with an ague, followed with extreme pains in his head and bowels, and a great evacuation of blood; so that he thought he must have perished. But at last coming to an Indian trader’s hut, he got leave to stay there: and though without physic or proper food, it pleased God, after about a week, to relieve him so far that he was able to ride. He returned homewards from Juneauta, an island far down the river; where was a considerable number of Indians, who appeared more free from prejudices against Christianity, than most of the other Indians. He arrived at the Forks of Delaware onThursday, May 30, after having rode in this journey about three hundred and forty miles. He came home in a very weak state. However, on the sabbath, after having preached to the Indians, he preached to thewhitepeople, with success, from Isaiahliii.10. “Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him,”&c.some being awakened by his preaching.]Wednesday, June 5. I felt thirsting desires after God, and enjoyed a precious season of retirement: divine things opened with clearness and certainty, and had a divine stamp upon them: my soul was also enlarged and refreshed in prayer; I delighted to continue in the duty: and was sweetly assisted in praying for my fellow Christians, and my dear brethren in the ministry. O what a blessedness it is, to be as much like God, as it is possible to be! Lord, give me more ofthy likeness; “I shall be satisfied, when I awake with it.”[Friday, June 7. He went a journey of near fifty miles to Neshaminy, to assist at a sacramental occasion.]Saturday, June 8. I was exceeding weak and fatigued with riding in the heat yesterday; but being desired, I preached in the afternoon, to a crouded audience, from Isaiahxl.1. “Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God.” God was pleased to give me great freedom. And, blessed be the Lord, it was a sweet melting season in the assembly.Lord’s day, June 9. I discoursed with reference to that sacred passage, Isaiahliii.10. “Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him.” *God gave me great assistance in addressing sinners: and the word was attended with amazing power; many scores, if not hundreds, in that great assembly, consisting of three or four thousand, were much affected; so that there was a “very great mourning, like the mourning of Hadadrimmon.”—In the evening, I could hardly look any body in the face, because of the imperfections I saw in my performances in the day past.Tuesday, June 11. I spent the day mainly in conversation with Christian friends; and enjoyed a sweet sense of divine things. O how desirable it is, to keep company with God’s children! These are the “excellent ones of the earth, in whom,” I can truly say, “is all my delight.” O what delight will it afford, to meet them all in a state of perfection! Lord, prepare me for that state.Tuesday, June 18. I set out from New-Brunswick with a design to visit some Indians at a place calledCrosweeksungin New-Jersey, towards the sea.¹In the afternoon I came toCranberry, and meeting with a serious minister, lodged with him.¹Mr.Brainerd having, when at Boston, wrote and left with a friend a briefrelationof his labours with the Indians, during the space of time between November 5, 1744, and June 19, 1745, concludes with this passage: “As my body was very feeble, so my mind was scarce ever so much discouraged about the conversion of the Indians, as at this time. And in this state of body and mind I made my first visit to the Indians in New-Jersey.”

From his ordination, till he began to preach to the Indians at Crosweeksung.

THURSDAY, June 14. I wondered, that God should open the hearts of any to treat me with kindness: and saw myself to be unworthy of any favour, from God or men. I had much pain in my head; however I determined to set out on my journey towards Delaware; but in the afternoon my pain increased, so that I was obliged to take to my bed; and the nightfollowing, I was greatly distressed with pain and sickness, and almost bereaved of reason. On Saturday I was something relieved; but unable to walk, till the Monday following. I often admired the goodness of God, that he did not suffer me to proceed on my journey from this place where I was so tenderly used.—God is very gracious to me, both in health and sickness, and intermingles much mercy with all my afflictions.

[On Tuesday, June 19. He set out, and in three days reached his place, near the Forks of Delaware.]

*Lord’s-day, June 24. I was scarce able to walk: however, visited my Indians, and took much pains to instruct them. But my mind was much burdened with the weight of my work. My whole dependence was on God; who alone I saw could make them willing to receive instruction. My heart was much engaged in prayer, sending up silent requests to God, even while I was speaking to them. O that I could always go in the strength of the Lord!

Monday, June 25. To an eye of reason every thing that respects the conversion of the Heathen is as dark as midnight; and yet I cannot but hope in God, for the accomplishment of something glorious among them. I longed much for the advancement of the Redeemer’s kingdom on earth, and was very fearful lest I should admit some vain thought, and so lose the sense Ihad of divine things. O for an abiding heavenly temper!

*Tuesday, June 26. I was much discouraged with the extreme difficulty of the work; yet God supported me; and though the work of their conversion appeared “impossible with man, yet with God” I saw “all things were possible.” I was much assisted in prayer, especially for the poor Heathen, and those of my own charge: and hoped that God would bow the heavens and come down for their salvation. It seemed to me, there could be no impediment sufficient to obstruct that glorious work, seeing the living God was engaged for it. I continued solemnly lifting up my heart to God, that I might be more mortified to this world, that my soul might be taken up continually in the advancement of Christ’s kingdom: and longed that God would purge me more, that I might be as a chosen vessel to bear his name among the Heathens.

Wednesday, June 27. In the afternoon, I rode several miles to see if I could procure any lands for the poor Indians, that they might live together, and be under better advantages for instruction. While I was riding, I had a deep sense of the difficulty of my work; and my soul relied wholly upon God for success, in the diligent and faithful use of means. I saw with the greatest certainty, thatthe arm of the Lordmust berevealed, for the help of these poor Heathen,if ever they were delivered from the bondage of the powers of darkness.

Thursday, June 28. Towards noon I rode up to the Indians; and while going, my heart went up to God in prayer for them; I could freely tell God, he knew the cause was not mine, but his own, and it would be for his own glory to convert the poor Indians: and blessed be God. I felt no desire of honour from the world, as the instrument of it.

Saturday, June 30. My soul was much solemnized in reading God’s word; especially the ninth chapter of Daniel. *I saw how God had called out his servants to prayer, and made them wrestle with him, when he designed to bestow any great mercy on his church. And I was ashamed of myself, to think of my dulness and inactivity, when there seemed to be so much to do for the upbuilding of Zion. Oh, how does Zion lie waste! I longed, that the church of God might be enlarged: and was enabled to pray in faith; my soul seemed sensibly to confide in God, and was enabled to wrestle with him. Afterwards, I walked abroad to a place of sweet retirement, and enjoyed assistance in prayer again: had a sense of my great need of divine help, and felt my soul sensibly depend on God.

*Lord’s day, July 1. After I came to the Indians, my mind was confused; and I felt nothing of that sweet reliance on God, that my soul has been comforted with in days past. Inthe afternoon I felt still barren, when I began to preach; I seemed to myself to know nothing, and to have nothing to say to the Indians; but soon after, I found in myself a spirit of love, and warmth, and power; and God helped me to plead with them, to “turn from all the vanities of the Heathen, to the living God:” I am persuaded, the Lord touched their consciences; for I never saw such attention in them before. When I came away, I spent the whole time I was riding, in prayer and praise to God. And after I had rode two miles, it came into my mind to dedicate myself to God again: which I did with great solemnity, and unspeakable satisfaction; especially giving up myself to him anew in the work of the ministry. And this I did without any exception or reserve; not in the least shrinking back from any difficulties, that might attend this blessed work. I was most free, chearful, and full in this dedication of myself. My whole soul cried, “Lord, to thee I dedicate myself: O accept of me, and let me be thine for ever. Lord, I desire nothing else; I desire nothing more. O come, come Lord, accept a poor worm. ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth, that I desire besides thee.’” After this, I was enabled to praise God with my whole soul, that he had enabled me to devote and consecrate all my powers to him in this solemn manner. My heart rejoiced in my particular work as amissionary; rejoicedin my necessity of self-denial; and still continued to give up myself to God, and implore mercy of him; praying incessantly, every moment, with sweet fervency. My nature being very weak of late, was now considerably overcome: my fingers grew very feeble, and numb, so that I could scarcely stretch them out strait; and when I lighted from my horse I could hardly walk, my joints seeming all to be loosed. But I felt abundant strengthin the inner man. I preached to the white people, and God helped me much. Sundry of my poor Indians were so moved as to come to meeting also; and one appeared much concerned.

Tuesday, July 3. This morning, I was enabled to pray under a feeling sense of my need of help, to plead with God a considerable time. Truly God is good to me. But my soul was grieved at my sinfulness and♦barrenness, and longed to be more engaged for God. O it is sweet to bethe Lord’s, to be sensibly devoted to him! What a blessed portion is God! How glorious, how lovely! O my soul longed to employ my time wholly for God!—In the evening, I was enabled again to wrestle with God in prayer with fervency to maintain a self-diffident and watchful frame of spirit, jealous and afraid lest I should admit carelessness or self-confidence.

♦“barreness” replaced with “barrenness”

Friday, July 6. I am of late, most of all concerned for ministerial qualifications, and the conversion of the Heathen; last year, I longedto be prepared for a world of glory, and speedily to depart out of this world; but of late, my chief concern is for the conversion of the Heathen, and for that end, I long to live. But blessed be God, I have less desire to live for any of the pleasures of the world, than ever I had: I long and love to be a pilgrim; and want grace to imitate the life, labours and sufferings ofSt.Paul among the Heathen. And when I long for holiness now, it is chiefly, that whereby I may become an “able minister of the New Testament,” especially to the Heathen. I spent two hours this morning in reading and prayer; and was in a watchful tender frame, afraid of every thing that might cool my affections, and draw away my heart from God.

*Lord’s day, July 8. I was watchful, tender, and jealous of my own heart, lest I should admit carelessness and vain thoughts, and grieve the blessed Spirit, so that he should withdraw his sweet, kind, and tender influences. I longed to “depart, and be with Christ,” more than at any time of late. My soul was exceedingly united to the saints of antient times, as well as those now living; especially my soul melted for the society of Elijah and Elisha.

Wednesday, July 11. My soul was diffident, watchful, and tender, lest I should offend my blessed Friend, in thought or behaviour. I confided in, and leaned upon the blessed God. Oh,what need did I see myself to stand in of God at all times, to assist me and lead me!

Saturday, July 21. Towards night my burden respecting my work among the Indians began to increase much; and was aggravated by hearing sundry things that looked very discouraging, in particular that they intended to meet together the next day for an idolatrous feast and dance. Then I began to be in anguish: I thought I must in conscience go and endeavour to break them up; and knew not how to attempt such a thing. However I withdrew to prayer, hoping for strength from above. And in prayer I was exceedingly enlarged, and my soul was much drawn out. I pleaded with so much earnestness and importunity, that when I arose from my knees I could scarcely walk straight, my joints were loosed, the sweat ran down my face and body, and nature seemed as if it would dissolve. I knew they were met together to worship devils, and not God, and this made me cry earnestly that God would appear, and help me in my attempts to break up this idolatrous meeting. My soul pleaded long; and I thought God would go with me to vindicate his own cause: and thus I spent the evening, praying incessantly that I might not be self-dependent, but have my whole dependence upon God. What I passed through was inexpressible. *All things here below vanished; and there appeared to be nothing of any importance to me, but holiness ofheart and life, and the conversion of the Heathen to God. All my cares, fears, and desires, which might be said to be of a worldly nature, disappeared; and were of little more importance than a puff of wind. I exceedingly longed, that God would get to himself a name among the Heathen; and I appealed to him with the greatest freedom, that he knew I “preferred him above my chief joy.” Indeed, I had no notion of joy from this world; I cared not where or how I lived, or what hardships I went through, so that I could but gain souls to Christ.

Lord’s day, July 22. When I waked, my soul was burdened with what seemed to be before me: I cried to God, before I could get out of my bed: as soon as I was dressed, I withdrew into the woods, to pour out my soul to him for assistance; and did with unspeakable freedom give up myself afresh to God, for life or death, for all hardships he should call me to among the Heathen; and felt as if nothing could discourage me from this blessed work. I had a strong hope, that God would “bow the heavens and come down,” and do some marvellous work among the Heathen. And when I was riding to the Indians, my heart was continually going up to God; and hoping, that God would make this the day of his power and grace amongst the poor Indians. When I came to them, I found them engaged in their frolic; but through divine goodness I got them to break up and attend my preaching: yet still thereappeared nothing of the special power of God among them. I preached again to them in the afternoon; and observed they were more sober than before; but still saw nothing special among them; from whence Satan took occasion to buffet me with these cursed suggestions, There is no God, or if there be, he is not able to convert the Indians, before they have more knowledge. I was very weak and weary, and my soul borne down with perplexity; but was determined still to wait upon God.

Tuesday, July 24. I rode over a hideous mountain, to a number of Indians, at a place called Kauksesauchung, more than thirty miles westward from the place where I usually preach. I found about thirty persons, and proposed my desire of preaching to them: they readily complied, and I preached to them only twice, they being just then removing from this place, to Susquahannah river.

While I was preaching, they appeared sober, and attentive: and were somewhat surprized, having never before heard of these things. There were two or three, who suspected that I had some ill design upon them; and urged, that the white people had abused them, and taken their lands from them, and therefore they had no reason to think that they were concerned for their happiness; but, on the contrary, that they designed to make them slaves, or get them on board their vessels, and make them fight with the peopleover the water, (as they expressed it,) meaning the French and Spaniards. However the most of them appeared very friendly, and told me they were then going home to Susquahannah, and desired I would make them a visit there, and manifested a considerable desire of instruction.

This invitation gave me some encouragement in my great work; and made me hope, that God designed to “open an♦effectual door to me” for spreading the gospel among the poor Heathens farther westward.

♦“effectul” replaced with “effectual”

[From these Indians he returned to the Irish settlement, and there preached to a numerous congregation: where was a considerable appearance of awakening. Thursday, he returned home, exceedingly fatigued and spent; still in the same mortification to the world, and solicitous for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom: and on this day he says, “I have felt, this week more of the spirit of apilgrim on earth, than ever before; and yet so desirous to see Zion’s prosperity, that I was not so willing to leave this scene of sorrow as I used to be.”—On the sabbath, he was confined by illness, not able to go out to preach. He continued very ill all the next week, and says, that “he thought he never before endured such a season of distressing weakness; and that his nature was so spent, that he could neither stand, sit, nor lie with any quiet; that he was exercised with extreme faintness and sickness at hisstomach; and that his mind was as much disordered as his body, seeming to be stupid, and without all kind of affection; and yet perplexed, to think, that he lived for nothing, that precious time rolled away, and he could do nothing but trifle.”—Concerning the next five days, he writes thus, “On Lord’s-day, August 5, was still very poor. But though very weak, I visited and preached to the poor Indians twice, and was strengthened vastly beyond my expectations. And indeed the Lord gave me freedom and fervency in addressing them: though I had not strength enough to stand, but was obliged to sit down the whole time. Towards night I was extremely weak, faint, sick, and full of pain. And I have continued much the same last week, thro’ the most of this, (it being now Friday) unable to engage in any business; frequently unable to pray in the family. I have neither strength to read, meditate, nor pray: and this perplexes my mind. I seem like a man that has all his estate embarked in one small boat, unhappily going adrift, down a swift current. The poor owner stands on the shore, and looks, and laments his loss. But, alas! though my all seems to be adrift, and I stand and see it, I dare not lament: for this sinks my spirits more, and aggravates my bodily disorders. O that God would pity my distressed state!”

The next day three weeks, his illness was not so extreme; he was in some degree capable ofbusiness: he also had, for the most part, much inward assistance; he often expresses great longings for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom: he speaks of his hope of this as all his delight and joy. He continues still to express his usual longings after holiness, and living to God, and his sense of his own unworthiness; he several times speaks of his appearing to himself the vilest creature on earth; and once says, that he verily thought there was none of God’s children who fell so far short of that holiness, and perfection in their obedience, which God requires.]

Saturday, September 1. I enjoyed some comfort and sweetness: and as my bodily strength was a little restored, so my soul seemed to be more engaged in the things of God.

Lord’s-day, September 2. I was enabled to speak to my poor Indians with much concern and fervency; and God enabled me to exercise faith in him, while I was speaking to them. I perceived that some of them were afraid to embraceChristianity, lest they should be enchanted and poisoned by the♦powwows: but I bid a challenge to all thesepowers of darkness, to do their worst uponmefirst. I told my people, I was aChristian, and asked them why the♦powwowsdid not bewitch and poison me? I scarcely ever felt more sensible of my own unworthiness, than in this: but I saw the honour of God was concerned; and I trusted to be preservedfor a testimony of the divine power and goodness, and of the truth of Christianity.

♦“powows” replaced with “powwows”

Wednesday, September 26. After a journey to New-England, I rode home to the Forks of Delaware. What reason have I to bless God, who has preserved me in riding more than four hundred and twenty miles. My health likewise is greatly recovered. O that I could dedicate my all to God!

Monday, October 1. I was engaged this day in making preparation for my journey to Susquahannah; and withdrew several times to plead for the divine presence to go with me to the poor Pagans. Towards night I rode about four miles, and met my brother Byram:¹who was come, at my desire, to be my companion to the Indians. I rejoiced to see him; and God made his conversation profitable to me. I saw him, as I thought more dead to the world, its cares, and alluring objects, than I was: and this made me look within myself, and gave me a greater sense of my ingratitude, and misery.

¹Minister at a place calledRockciticus, about forty miles fromMr.Brainerd’s lodgings.

Tuesday, October 2. I set out on my journey, in company with my dear brother Byram, and my interpreter, and two chief Indians from the Forks of Delaware. We travelled about twenty-five miles, and lodged in one of the last houses on our road; after which there was nothing but a hideous and howlingwilderness.

Wednesday, October 3. We went on our way into the wilderness, and found far the most difficult and dangerous travelling, that ever any of us had seen; we had scarce any thing else but lofty mountains, deep valleys, and hideous rocks, to make our way through. However, I felt sweetness in divine things, and had my mind intensely engaged in meditation. Near night, my beast that I rode upon, hung one of her legs in the rocks, and fell down under me; but through divine goodness, I was not hurt. However, she broke her leg; and being near thirty miles from any house, I saw nothing that could be done to preserve her life, and so was obliged to kill her, and to prosecute my journey on foot. Just at dark, we kindled a fire, cut up a few bushes, and made a shelter over our heads, to save us from the frost, which was very hard; and committing ourselves to God, we lay down on the ground, and slept quietly.

[The next day, they went forward on their journey, and at night took up their lodging in the woods in like manner.]

Friday, October 5. We arrived at Susquahannah-river, at a place calledOpeholhaupung; and found there twelve Indian houses. After I had saluted the king in a friendly manner, I told him my business, and that my desire was to teach themChristianity. After some consultation, the Indians gathered, and I preached to them. And when I had done, I asked, if they would hear meagain. They replied, they would consider of it; and soon after sent me word, that they would immediately attend, if I would preach; which I did with much freedom. When I asked them again, whether they would hear me further, they replied, they would the next day. I was exceeding sensible of the impossibility of doing any thing for the poor Heathen without special assistance: and my soul rested on God, and left it to him, to do as he pleased in his own cause.

Saturday, October 6. I preached again to the Indians: and in the afternoon, visited them from house to house, and invited them to come and hear me again the next day, and put off their hunting design, till Monday. “This night, the Lord stood by me,” to encourage and strengthen my soul: I spent more than an hour in secret retirement; and was enabled to “pour out my heart before God,” for the increase of grace in my soul, for ministerial endowments, and for success among the poor Indians.

Monday, October 8. I visited the Indians with a design to take my leave, supposing they would go out a hunting early; but beyond my expectation and hope, they desired to hear me preach again. I gladly complied with their request, and endeavoured to answer theirobjectionsagainst Christianity. Then they went away; and we spent the afternoon in reading and prayer, intending to go homeward early the next day.

Tuesday, October 9. We rose about four, and commending ourselves to God by prayer, we set out homewards about five, and travelled till past six at night. We then made us a fire, and a shelter of barks, and so rested.—In the night, the wolves howled round us; but God preserved us.

Friday, October 12. I came home to my lodging; where I poured out my soul to God, and endeavoured to bless him for his abundant goodness to me in my late journey. I scarce ever enjoyed more health; and God marvellously, supported me under the fatigues of the way, and travelling on foot. Blessed be the Lord, that preserves me in all my ways.

Lord’s-day, October 14. I was much confused and perplexed in my thoughts; and almost discouraged, thinking I should never be able to preach any more. However, I went to the place of public worship, lifting up my heart, and God was gracious to me, and helped me to plead with him for holiness, and to use strong arguments with him, drawn from the sufferings of Christ for this very end, that men might be made holy. Afterwards I was much assisted in preaching. I know not that God ever helped me to preach in a more close manner. Through the infinite goodness of God, I felt what I spake: and God enabled me to speak with uncommon clearness: and yet I was deeply sensible of my defects in preaching; blessed be the Lord for his mercy.In the evening I longed to be entirely alone, to bless God for help in extremity; and longed for greater degrees of holiness, that I might shew my gratitude to God.

*Tuesday, October 16. I felt a spirit of solemnity and watchfulness; and was afraid I should not livetoanduponGod: I longed for more intenseness and spirituality. In the evening I enjoyed sweet assistance in prayer, and thirsted and pleaded to be as holy as the blessedangels.

*Friday, October 19. I had an abasing sense of my own unholiness; and felt my soul melt and mourn, that I had grieved a gracious God, who was still kind to me, notwithstanding all my unworthiness. My soul enjoyed a sweet season of sorrow, that I had wronged that blessed God, who was reconciled to me in his dear Son. My soul was now tender, devout, and solemn: and I was afraid of nothing but sin; and afraid of that in every action and thought.

Wednesday, October 24. Near noon I rode to my people; spent some time, and prayed with them: felt the frame of apilgrimon earth; longed much to leave this gloomy mansion; but yet found patience and resignation. As I returned home from the Indians, I spent the whole time in lifting up my heart to God.

In the evening I enjoyed a blessed season in prayer; was enabled to cry to God with a child-like spirit: enjoyed a sweet freedom in supplicatingfor myself, and for my dear friends: and longed to be as lively in God’s service as the angels.

*Friday, October 26. In the morning my soul was melted with a sense of divine goodness to such a vile worm; I delighted to lean upon God, and place my whole trust in him: my soul was exceedingly grieved for sin, and prized and longed after holiness; it wounded my heart deeply, yet sweetly, to think how I had abused a kind God. I longed to be perfectly holy, that I might not grieve a gracious God: I longed for holiness more for this end, than for my happiness sake: and yet this was my greatest happiness, nevermore to dishonour, but always to glorify the blessed God.

Wednesday, October 31. I was sensible of my barrenness: my soul failed when I remembered the fervency I had enjoyed. Oh (I thought) if I could but be spiritual, warm, heavenly minded, and affectionately breathing after God, this would be better than life to me! My soul longed exceedingly for death, to be loosed from this dulness, and made ever active in the service of God. I seemed to live for nothing, and to do no good: and Oh, the burden of such a life! Oh, death, death, my kind friend, hasten and deliver me from dull mortality, and make me spiritual and vigorous to eternity!

Thursday, November 1. I felt life, and longings after God; I longed to be always solemn,devout, and heavenly-minded; and was afraid to leave off praying, lest I should again lose a sense of the sweet things of God.

Friday, November 2. I was exercised sorely with some things that I thought myself most of all freed from. And thus I have ever found it, when I have thought the battle was over, and the conquest was gained, and so let down my watch, the enemy has risen up and done me the greatest injury.

[The next day he set out on a journey to New-York, to meet the Presbytery there: and was gone from home more than a fortnight. He seemed to enter on this journey with great reluctance; fearing it would cool his religious affections. But, yet, in his journey he had special seasons of God’s gracious presence. He was greatly fatigued therein by cold and storms: and when he returned from New-York to New-Jersey, was very ill for some time.]

Wednesday, November 21. I rode from Newark to Rockciticus in the cold, and was almost overcome with it. But I enjoyed sweetness in conversation withMr.Jones: my soul loves the people of God, and especially the ministers, who feel the same trials that I do.

*Thursday, November 22. I came on my way to Delaware river, tho’ much disordered with a cold and pain in my head. About six at night I lost my way in the wilderness, and wandered over rocks and mountains, down hideous steeps,through swamps, and most dreadful and dangerous places: and the night being dark, I was greatly exposed: I was much pinched with cold, and distressed with an extreme pain in my head, attended with sickness at my stomach; so that every step I took was distressing to me. I had little hope, but that I must lie in the woods all night. But about nine o’clock I found a house, and was kindly entertained. Thus I have frequently been exposed: but God has hitherto preserved me; blessed be his name. Such fatigues and hardships serve to wean me from the earth; and will make heaven the sweeter. Formerly, when I was thus exposed, I was ready to please myself with the thoughts of a comfortable house, a warm fire, and other outward comforts; but now these have less place in my heart, (through the grace of God) and my eye is more to God for comfort. In this world I expect tribulation, and it does not now appear strange to me. I do not in seasons of difficulty flatter myself that it will be better hereafter; but rather think, how much worse it might be; how much greater trials others of God’s children have endured; and how much greater may be reserved for me. Blessed be God, that he makes the thoughts of my journey’s-end a great comfort to me, under my sharpest trials: and scarce ever lets these thoughts be attended with terror; but frequently with great joy.

[Within the next twelve days he spent much time in hard labour, to make a little cottage, to live in by himself.]

Thursday, December 6. Having now a happy opportunity of being retired in a house of my own; I set apart this day for secret prayer and fasting, to implore the blessing of God on myself, on my poor people, on my friends, and on the church of God. And now God was pleased to give me a discovery ofthe plague of my own heart, more affecting than I have of late had. And especially I saw my sinfulness in this, that when God hadwithdrawnhimself, instead of living and dying inpursuitof him, I have been disposed to one of these two things, either to yield an unbecoming respect to someearthlyobjects, as if happiness were to be derived from them: or to be secretlyfrowardand impatiently desirous ofdeath. That which often drove me to this impatient desire of death, was a despair of doing any good. But now God made me sensible of my sin, and enabled me to cry to him forforgiveness. Yet this was not all I wanted: for my soul appeared exceedingly polluted; and I wanted to be purified “by the blood of sprinkling that cleanseth from all sin.” And this I was enabled to pray for in faith. I enjoyed much more intenseness, fervency, and spirituality than I expected; God was better to me than my fears. I was enabled to persevere in prayer till the evening: I saw so much need of divine help, that Iknew not how to leave off, and had forgot that I needed food.

Lord’s-day, December 9. I preached both parts of the day at a place calledGreenwich, about ten miles from my own house. In the first discourse I had scarce any warmth. In the intermission season I got alone among the bushes, and cried to God being in anguish, that I could not address souls with more compassion and tender affection; which I saw I could not get of myself, any more than I could make a world. In the latter exercise, blessed be the Lord, I had some fervency, both in prayer and preaching; and in the application I was enabled to address precious souls with affection, tenderness, and importunity. The Spirit of God was there; the effects were apparent, tears running down many cheeks.

Monday, December 10. I rode home, blessed God for his♦goodness; and rejoiced, that so much of my work was done, and I so much nearer my reward.

♦“gooddess” replaced with “goodness” per Errata

Wednesday, December 12. I was very weak, but enabled with sweetness to cry, “Come, Lord Jesus! come quickly.” My soul “longed for God, for the living God.” O how delightful it is, to pray under such influences! How much better than one’snecessary food! I had at this time no disposition to eat, (though late in the morning) for earthly food appeared wholly tasteless.—I visited and preached to the Indians, inthe afternoon; but under much dejection. I found my interpreter under some concern for his soul; which was some comfort to me. I longed greatly for his conversion, poured out my soul to God for him; and was enabled to leave all with God.

Thursday, December 13. I spent the day in fasting and prayer, to implore the divine blessing, more especially on my poor people; in particular for my interpreter, and three or four more under some concern for their souls: but in the evening it seemed as if I had need to pray for nothing so much as for the pardon of sins committed in the day past. The sins I had most sense of, were pride, and wandering thoughts.

Lord’s-day, December 16. I was so overwhelmed with dejection, that I knew not how to live: I longed for death exceedingly: my soul wassunk into deep waters, andthe floodswere ready todrown me: I was so much oppressed, that my soul was in a kind of horror: I had no distressing doubt about my own state; but would have chearfully ventured into eternity. While I was going to preach to the Indians, my soul was in anguish; I despaired of doing any good. But at last I insisted on the evidence of Christianity from themiraclesof Christ: and God helped me to make a close application to those that refused to believe. I was encouraged to find, that God enabled me to be faithful once more. Then I went and preached to another company of them;but was very weary and faint. In the evening I was something refreshed, and enabled to pray and praise God with composure and affection: I was now willing to live, and longed to do more for God than my weak state of body would admit of. “I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me;” and I am willing tospendandbe spentin his service.

Tuesday, December 18. I went to the Indians, and discoursed to them near an hour, and at last God helped me to speak with warmth. My interpreter also was amazingly assisted; and I doubt not but “the Spirit of God was upon him.” And presently most of the grown persons were much affected, and the tears ran down their cheeks: and one old man (I suppose an hundred years old) was so affected, that he wept, and seemed convinced of the importance of what I taught them. I staid with them a considerable time, exhorting them; and came away, lifting up my heart to God, and encouraged my interpreter to “strive to enter in at the strait gate.”

Thursday, January 5, 1744–5. Being sensible of the great want of the out-pouring of God’s Spirit, I spent this day in fasting and prayer, to seek so great a mercy for myself, and my poor people in particular, and for the church of God in general.

Saturday, January 5. I was much disordered in my head. I was distressed with a sense of my spiritual pollution, and ten thousand youthful,yea, and childish follies: all which appeared now fresh, and in a lively view, as if committed yesterday.

Wednesday, January 9. In the morning, God was pleased to remove that gloom which has of late oppressed my mind, and gave me freedom and sweetness in prayer. I was encouraged to plead for grace for myself, and mercy for my poor Indians: and was sweetly assisted in my intercessions with God for others. Those things that of late have appeared almost impossible, were now not only possible, but easy. My soul so much delighted to continue instant in prayer, that I had no desire for mynecessary food: yea, I dreaded leaving off praying, lest I should lose this spirituality, and this blessed thankfulness. I felt now quite willing to live, and undergo all trials that might remain for me in a world of sorrow; but still longed for heaven, that I might glorify God in a perfect manner.

Monday, January 14. I spent this day under a great degree of bodily disorder. It pains me, that I live so much of my time for nothing. I long to do much in a little time, and if it might be the Lord’s will, tofinish my workspeedily in this tiresome world. I am sure, I do not desire to live for any thing in this world; and through grace I am not afraid to look theking of terrorsin the face: I know, I shall be afraid, if God leaves me; and therefore I think it is always my duty to lay in for that solemn hour. *But for aconsiderable time, my soul has rejoiced to think of death in its nearest approaches; and even when I have been very weak, and seemed nearest eternity. “Not unto me, not unto me, but to God be the glory.” I feel that which convinces me, that if God do not enable me to maintain a holy dependence upon him, death will be a terror, but at present, I must say, “I long to depart, and to be with Christ.” When I am in a sweet resigned frame of soul, I am willing to tarry in a world of sorrow, I am willing to be from home as long as God sees fit; but when I want the influence of this temper, I am then apt to be impatient to be gone.—Oh when will the day appear, that I shall be perfect in holiness.

Wednesday and Thursday, January 16, 17. I spent most of the time in writing on a divine subject, and enjoyed freedom and assistance. O what reason have I to be thankful, that God ever helps me to labour and study for him! He does butreceive his own, when I am enabled in any measure to praise him, labour for him, and live to him.

Lord’s day, January 27. I had the greatest degree of inward anguish, that ever I endured: I was perfectly overwhelmed, and so confused, that after I began to discourse to the Indians, before I could finish a sentence, sometimes I forgot entirely what I was aiming at. This distressing gloom never went off the whole day: but was so far removed, that I was enabled to speakwith some freedom to the Indians, at two of their settlements; and there was some appearance, of the presence of God with us. In the evening the gloom continued still, till at family-prayer,¹when I was praying for the conversion of my poor people, the cloud was scattered, so that I enjoyed sweetness and freedom, and conceived hopes that God designed mercy for them.

¹ThoughMr.Brainerd now dwelt by himself in the little cottage, which he had built for his own use; yet that was near afamilyof white people with whom he had lived before, and with whom he still attended family-prayer.

Lord’s-day, February 3. In the morning, I was somewhat relieved of that gloom, that my mind has of late been exercised with; and was enabled to pray with composure and comfort. But, however, I went to my Indians trembling; for my soul “remembered the wormwood and the gall” of Friday last; and I was greatly afraid I should be obliged again to drink of thatcup of trembling, which was inconceivably more bitter than death. But God was pleased to hear my cries, and to afford me great assistance; so that I felt peace in my soul; and was satisfied, that if not one of the Indians should be profited yet I should be accepted and rewarded as faithful.

*Monday, February 11. In the evening I was in a most solemn frame: I know not that ever death appeared more real to me, or that ever I saw myself in the condition of a dead corpse, laid out, and dressed for a lodging in thesilent grave, so evidently. And yet I felt exceedingly comfortable; my mind was composed and calm, anddeathappearedwithout a sting. I never felt such an universal mortification to all created objects. Oh, how great and solemn a thing it appeared to die! How it lays the greatest honour in the dust! And how vain and trifling did the riches, honours, and pleasures of the world appear! I could not so much as think of any of them; fordeath, death, solemn (though not frightful)deathappeared at the door. I could see myself laid out, and inclosed in my coffin, and put down into the cold grave, without terror! I spent the evening in conversing with a Christian friend; and it was a comfortable evening to us both.—What are friends? What are comforts? What are sorrows? What are distresses?——“The time is short: it remains, that they that weep, be as though they wept not; and they which rejoice, as though they rejoiced not: for the fashion of this world passeth away. O come, Lord Jesus, come quickly.”

Friday, February 15. I had a sweet sense of the free grace of the gospel: my soul was encouraged, warmed, and quickened, and my desires drawn out after God in prayer: being afraid of losing so sweet a guest as I then entertained. I longed to proclaim the grace I then meditated upon, to the world of sinners.—O howquickandpowerfulis thewordof the blessed God!

Lord’s day, February 17. I preached to thewhitepeople in the wilderness, upon the sunny side of a hill: I had a considerable assembly, consisting of people that lived (many of them) thirty miles asunder. I discoursed to them, from Johnvii.37. “Jesus stood and cried, saying, If any man thirst,”&c.In the afternoon it pleased God to grant me great fervency; I was enabled to imitate the example of Christ, whostood and cried.—I was scarce ever enabled to offer the free grace of God to perishing sinners with more freedom and plainness. O that I could for ever bless God for the mercy of this day, who, “answered me in the joy of my heart.”

Lord’s-day, February 24. Myinterpreterbeing absent, I knew not how to perform my work among the Indians. However, I rode to the Indians, and got a Dutchman to interpret, though he was but poorly qualified. Afterwards I preached to a few white people from Johnvi.67. O the free grace of Christ, that he seasonably minds his people of their danger ofbacksliding, and invites them to persevere in their adherence to himself! I saw thatbackslidingsouls might return, and welcome, to himimmediately; without any thing to recommend them; notwithstanding all their former backslidings. And I felt solemn, devout, and sweet, resting on him for assistance, acceptance, and peace of conscience.

*Wednesday, March 6. I spent most of the day in preparing for a journey to New-England,and in prayer, with a reference to my journey. I was afraid I should forsake thefountain of living waters, and attempt to derive satisfaction frombroken cisterns, my dear friends and acquaintance. I looked to God to keep me from thisvanityin special, as well as others. Towards night, I was visited by some friends, who discovered an affectionate regard to me, and seemed grieved that I was about to leave them; especially seeing I did not expect to make any considerable stay among them, if I should live to return from New-England.¹O how kind has God been to me! How has he raised up friends in every place, where his providence has called me!

¹It seems, he had a design to remove and live among the Indians at Susquahannah river.

[The next day, he set out on his journey; and it was above five weeks before he returned.—The special design of this journey was “To raise some money among Christian friends, in order to support a♦colleague with me in the wilderness, (I having now spent two years in a very solitary manner) that we might be together; as Christ sent out his disciples two and two.” He first went into various parts of New-Jersey, then to New-York; and from thence into New-England. He then returned into New-Jersey. He seems, for the most part, to have been free from melancholy in this journey; and many times to havehad extraordinary assistance in public ministrations.]

♦“collegue” replaced with “colleague”

Saturday, April 13. I rode home to my own house. Blessed be the Lord, who has preserved me in this tedious journey. Verily it is God that has upheld me, and guarded my goings.

[This week, he went a journey to Philadelphia, in order to engage theGovernorthere to use his interest with the chief man of theSix Nations, (with whom he maintained a strict friendship) that he would give him leave to live at Susquahannah, and instruct the Indians that are within their territories.]¹

¹The Indians at Susquahannah are a mixed company of many nations, speaking various languages, and few of them properly of the Six Nations. But yet the country having formerly been conquered by the Six Nations, they claim the land; and the Susquahannah-Indians are a kind of vassals to them.

Lord’s-day, April 21. In the season of the communion, I had comfortable apprehensions of the blissful communion of God’s people, when they shall meet at their Father’s table in his kingdom.—In the afternoon I preached abroad, from Revelationxiv.4. “These are they that follow the Lamb,”&c.God was pleased to give me great freedom and clearness, but not so much warmth as before. However, there was a most amazing attention in the whole assembly; and, as I was informed afterwards, this was a sweet season to many.

Tuesday, April 23. I returned home to the Forks of Delaware; enjoyed some sweet meditations on the road, and was enabled to lift up my heart to God in prayer and praise.

Friday, April 26. I felt a spirit of mortification to the world, in a very great degree. Afterwards I was enabled to rely on God sweetly, for “all things pertaining to life and godliness.” Just in the evening, I was visited by a dear Christian friend, with whom I spent an hour or two in conversation, on the very soul of religion. There are many with whom I can talkabout religion; but alas! I find few with whom I can talkreligion itself: but, blessed be the Lord, there are some that love to feed on the kernel, rather than the shell.

[The next day, he went to the Irish settlement about fifteen miles distant: where he spent the sabbath. On Monday, he returned very weak, to his own lodgings.]

Tuesday, April 30. I was scarce able to walk about, and was obliged to lie on the bed, much of the day; being neither able to read, meditate, nor pray, and having none to converse with in that wilderness. Oh, how heavily does time pass away, when I can do nothing to any good purpose?

Thursday, May 2. In the evening, being a little better in health, I walked into the woods, and enjoyed a sweet season of meditation andprayer. My thoughts ran upon Psalmsxvii.15. “I shall be satisfied, when I awake with thy likeness.” I longed to preach to the whole world; and it seemed to me, they must needs all be melted in hearing such precious truths, as I had then a view of.—Blessed be the Lord, that in my present weakness, my mind is not gloomy, as at some other times.

Tuesday, May 7. I spent the day chiefly in making preparation for a journey into the wilderness. I was still weak, and concerned how I should perform it. I spent some time in prayer for the divine blessing; but wanted bodily strength to spend the day in fasting and prayer.

[The next day, he set out on his journey to Susquahannah, with his interpreter. He endured great hardships in his way thither through a hideous wilderness: where, after having lodged one night in the open woods, he was overtaken with a north-easterly storm, in which he was ready to perish. Having no shelter, and not being able to make a fire in so great a rain, he could have no comfort if he stopt; therefore determined to go forward in hopes of meeting with some shelter, without which he thought it impossible he should live the night through. But their horses happening to have eat poisonous plants at a place where they lodged the night before, were so sick that they could neither ride nor lead them, but were obliged to drive them before them, untilthrough the mercy of God (just at dusk) they came to a bark-hut, where they lodged that night. After he came to Susquahannah, he travelled about an hundred miles on the river, visited many towns and settlements of the Indians; and preached to different nations, by different interpreters. He was sometimes much discouraged, through the opposition that appeared in the Indians to Christianity. At other times, he was encouraged by the disposition, that some of them manifested to hear, and to be instructed. He here met with some that had formerly been his hearers at Kaunaumeek, who saw and heard him again with great joy. He spent a fortnight among the Indians; passed through considerable hardships, frequently lodging on the ground, and sometimes in the open air; and at length fell extremely ill, as he was riding in the wilderness, being seized with an ague, followed with extreme pains in his head and bowels, and a great evacuation of blood; so that he thought he must have perished. But at last coming to an Indian trader’s hut, he got leave to stay there: and though without physic or proper food, it pleased God, after about a week, to relieve him so far that he was able to ride. He returned homewards from Juneauta, an island far down the river; where was a considerable number of Indians, who appeared more free from prejudices against Christianity, than most of the other Indians. He arrived at the Forks of Delaware onThursday, May 30, after having rode in this journey about three hundred and forty miles. He came home in a very weak state. However, on the sabbath, after having preached to the Indians, he preached to thewhitepeople, with success, from Isaiahliii.10. “Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him,”&c.some being awakened by his preaching.]

Wednesday, June 5. I felt thirsting desires after God, and enjoyed a precious season of retirement: divine things opened with clearness and certainty, and had a divine stamp upon them: my soul was also enlarged and refreshed in prayer; I delighted to continue in the duty: and was sweetly assisted in praying for my fellow Christians, and my dear brethren in the ministry. O what a blessedness it is, to be as much like God, as it is possible to be! Lord, give me more ofthy likeness; “I shall be satisfied, when I awake with it.”

[Friday, June 7. He went a journey of near fifty miles to Neshaminy, to assist at a sacramental occasion.]

Saturday, June 8. I was exceeding weak and fatigued with riding in the heat yesterday; but being desired, I preached in the afternoon, to a crouded audience, from Isaiahxl.1. “Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God.” God was pleased to give me great freedom. And, blessed be the Lord, it was a sweet melting season in the assembly.

Lord’s day, June 9. I discoursed with reference to that sacred passage, Isaiahliii.10. “Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him.” *God gave me great assistance in addressing sinners: and the word was attended with amazing power; many scores, if not hundreds, in that great assembly, consisting of three or four thousand, were much affected; so that there was a “very great mourning, like the mourning of Hadadrimmon.”—In the evening, I could hardly look any body in the face, because of the imperfections I saw in my performances in the day past.

Tuesday, June 11. I spent the day mainly in conversation with Christian friends; and enjoyed a sweet sense of divine things. O how desirable it is, to keep company with God’s children! These are the “excellent ones of the earth, in whom,” I can truly say, “is all my delight.” O what delight will it afford, to meet them all in a state of perfection! Lord, prepare me for that state.

Tuesday, June 18. I set out from New-Brunswick with a design to visit some Indians at a place calledCrosweeksungin New-Jersey, towards the sea.¹In the afternoon I came toCranberry, and meeting with a serious minister, lodged with him.

¹Mr.Brainerd having, when at Boston, wrote and left with a friend a briefrelationof his labours with the Indians, during the space of time between November 5, 1744, and June 19, 1745, concludes with this passage: “As my body was very feeble, so my mind was scarce ever so much discouraged about the conversion of the Indians, as at this time. And in this state of body and mind I made my first visit to the Indians in New-Jersey.”

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