♦“beseting” replaced with “besetting”Monday 16. I was much cast down, by receiving a letter from my dear mamma, containing a melancholy account of the situation of my dear papa’s health: but in the midst of my anxiety, I found a great confidence in God: so that most of my uneasiness was upon his account. Lord, strengthen, comfort, and bless him for Jesus’s sake. The two following days my mind was much hurried by the confusion the house has been in; nevertheless I have been constant in private duty, and have generally found it good to drawnigh to God. O what a God have we to deal with, and yet I cannot find a heart to love him. Lord, soften this obdurate heart, and give me an heart to love thee; for this thou knowest is all my desire.Tuesday 24. All this week I have been in a very disagreeable frame, being neither in earnest for my soul, nor quite forgetful of it. I have been constant in private duties, tho’ I am often fearful that I am only drawing nigh to God with my lips; but on Saturday, my soul was much blest underMr.R——’s preaching: his text was inRomansviii.17, 18.And if children then heirs,&c.My desires were exceedingly earnest to be made a partaker of those glorious privileges of the sons of God. O Lord, when shall I be one of thy children?Sunday 29. In the morningMr.R——’s text was inRomansviii.32.He that spared not his own son,&c.O these encouraging, these heart reviving words! Why, O my soul art thou so backward to believe the promises of God? Surely he is not a man, that can deceive thee. O then believe the record true. Then, and not till then, shalt thou experience real happiness.Monday, July 7. All this week my soul has been cold and dead, and I (to my shame and grief) have been too negligent in private duties. How truly may it be said the way of sin is down hill? I was hindered from prayer one day at my usual hour, and almost every day afterwards,something happened just at that time to keep me from that duty. I observe that if I neglect it one day, I am sure to do the same for several days running. Lord, help me to be watchful, seeing my subtle adversary is ever watching to betray me into sin, either of omission or commission.Sunday 13. I found a small degree of life in private prayer, which was the only duty I was quickened in this day. Lord help me out of this stupid state! On Thursday evening my uncle preached onMatthewxiii.46.Who when he had found one pearl of great price,&c.O that the Lord would enable me instantly to part with all, and purchase this pearl! All this week my soul has been in the same lukewarm state, and yet generally quickened in private prayer, especially one evening I had such a discovery of the love of God to sinners, that I was almost enabled to believe he died for me.Sunday 20. This morningMr.M——gave us a sweet discourse on2 Peteri.4.Whereby are given unto us exceeding great promises,&c.I found my soul blest under it, and afterwards at the sacrament inSt.John’s church, blessed be God.Monday 21. I was too neglectful of private duty this day, and therefore ’tis no wonder if my soul was dry and barren in other duties. While we were at preaching in the evening, my dear friend MissD——arrived fromIreland. I was much rejoiced to see her, and she seemed to beso at seeing me. May we all at last meet round our Father’s throne!Friday 25. In the afternoon we walked toCrislington; and went to see the rector’s garden, who is for ever altering it. After being at great expence to have it done to his mind, still it does not please him. O how restless is the mind of man! Ever seeking after rest, he cannot find it nigh, nor ever will, till he finds it in Jesus.Friday, August 1. The state of my soul this week has been much as usual. O that the Lord would stir me up! That he would make me in earnest, and then I should soon attain the prize. I shall one day perish by the hand of sin, unless a miracle of mercy interpose. Lord, save or I perish! Save, or I must inevitably fall a prey to the evil that lies in this rebellious heart.Sunday 3. I found myself much encouraged whileMr.G——kwas describing the rest that remained to those who were seekers after God, that I might include myself in that number; but I sometimes fear, even this appellation does not belong to me. Lord, suffer me not to deceive myself for thy mercy’s sake.Tuesday 5. My poor heart still continued dead; no life, no power in drawing near to God. Still my soul is as a barren wilderness. Lord, water me with the dew of thy grace, then the wilderness will become a fruitful land, and the desert, springs of water.Sunday 17. In retirement, both before andafter preaching, I found my soul greatly led out to pray for faith, for myself, and my dear parents, and a measure of confidence, that God would hear my prayer: but alas for me, in the afternoon levity again prevailed, and I lost both the confidence, and power to pray for it.Sunday 17.Mr.M——rpreached onActsxxiv.16.Herein I exercise myself, to have a conscience void of offence towards God, and towards man.On his mentioning his going away, I could not forbear bursting into tears; I am sure all the people (would they speak the truth impartially) must acknowledge he has exercised himself to have a conscience void of offence.*Wednesday 20. In the eveningMr.M——rgave us a sweet discourse, onColossiansiii.11.But Christ is all, and in all.My concern at parting with him, stole away all the benefit I might have reaped from the sermon. Alas! that I should be so foolish as to look more to the servant than to his Lord, and think because he is going away, I shall never more be blest under preaching; as if God could not bless me, as well by one as another. Lord, I beseech thee, to forgive this sin.Thursday 21. This morning I arose to hearMr.M——slast discourse, which was very affecting, and drew tears from many eyes. I found much cause for lamentation, that I had not profited more by him, and a determined resolution to set out afresh in the strength of divine grace, that I may not have the same complaint to make, whenwe part with the next. Lord, strengthen this resolution.Sunday 24. I was some part of this day employed in readingMr.Morgan’s crucified Jesus. O that I could copy after my afflicted, self-denying Master! He never sought to please himself; but alas for me, how seldom is it I seek to please any other! Lord, forgive me: let me learn to deny myself, take up my cross and follow thee.Thursday 28. In the eveningMr.J——who is the assistant preached his first sermon on1 Corinthiansiii.22.All are yours.I think him a good preacher; but I cannot yet give upMr.M——for any other.Friday 29.Mr.G——dpreached on1 Corinthiansi.23.We preach Christ crucified.It was a good sermon, but I thought so much ofMr.M——, that I was quite tired because it was not him. Lord forgive me my too great attachment to the creature, and fix my heart more upon the Creator.Sunday 31. This morningMr.G——dpreached fromHoseavi.1.Come let us return to the Lord,&c.He spoke exactly to the state I seemed to be in, and I was determined to set this day apart, to examine myself, and to seek the Lord in good earnest. But as soon as I came home, Satan prepared something to draw my mind off, and render me unfit for any duty, whether reading, praying, or any thing else. Lord, make me more careful for the time to come, that I maynot so easily let slip the things which I have received.Tuesday, September 2. My soul was in a measure blest in meeting class, and I found a resolution to set out afresh. Lord, let it not prove abortive as all others have done, but do thou bring it to good effect for thy mercy’s sake.Wednesday 3. I think this day I found more solidity, and not so much levity of spirit as I did the day before. I also found my soul in a measure quickened both in private prayer, and in meeting band, for which undeserved mercies, Lord make me truly thankful, and let me shew my gratitude by endeavouring to retain, and improve them, that so I may have more.Friday 12. In the evening at preaching, I found my soul in a small degree quickened. Lord, continue even this spark, and blow it into a flame!Monday 15. I met our class to renew the tickets; but I missedMr.M——r’s lively manner of examining and exhorting each one, according to their various states.Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament atSt.John’s church, but all the time I was there, I was so beset with a particular temptation, that I had hard work to keep from yielding to it. In the eveningMr.J——npreached and met the society; but I sadly missedMr.M——’s close and sweet applications and exhortations, which underGod were exceeding profitable to me. This week my poor unstable mind has been much tossed with vain and wandring thoughts. O when shall my heart and treasure be laid up in heaven! Then, and not till then, will my mind also be fixed, stedfastly fixed in that thrice happy place. I have also been dry and dead in every means, which indeed is no wonder, when foolish thoughts are given way to; they necessarily damp the work of God in the soul. Lord, make me more watchful.Sunday 28. I spent the day comfortably, and found a degree of sweetness in prayer. O for a thankful heart!Thursday, October 10. This day being the quarterly meeting, we had a number of strange preachers in town; and in the evening oneMr.S——tpreached. He is not a very connected preacher, but one of the most lively and powerful, that I ever heard. I was more stirred up and quickened under this sermon, than I have been for months before. There seemed to be an awful solemnity, resting upon the whole congregation.Monday 26. In the evening it rained much; but I ventured out, and was well paid for so doing, byMr.M——’s discourse upon1 Corinthiansvi.11.But ye are justified in the name of theLord Jesus.Sunday, November 2. I went to the sacrament atTrinitychurch, but found no particular blessingin that ordinance, or indeed any other; my mind being much exercised, as it had been great part of the last week, in which nothing seemed sweet or profitable to me, but private prayer.Sunday 9. All this week my mind has been much diverted from God, by a circumstance which befel me, not very pleasing to flesh and blood. Lord, give me wisdom, grace, and prudence to guide me through the trials I am liable to meet with here: and O at last receive my poor soul to the peaceful haven of everlasting rest; where all the storms of this tumultuous life are over, and all is quietness and assurance for ever!*Monday 17.Mr.J——ndined with us this day; I think he is one of the most agreeable men I know. On Thursday evening my uncle preached uponMatthewxx.32.What will ye that I shall do unto you?My soul was more blest under this discourse, than under any sinceMr.S——tpreached. In the application, he desired each to ask their own soul, what is my most prevailing desire? Riches, honour, or pleasure? But my heart rejected all these, and replied,“None but Christ to me be given,None by Christ in earth or heaven.”Sunday 23. I found my soul much quickened in private duty to-day. O how good is it todraw nigh to God, and yet how loath am I to do it!Sunday 30. In reading the scripture, and one of the volumes of the Library, I found a degree of enlargement, and also in private prayer, tho’ I had felt a great backwardness to it.Tuesday, December 2. After I was in bed, my mind was much employed in meditating on death, and the vanity of all earthly things, occasioned by hearing that poor MissL——ywas extreamly ill, whom I had seen in perfect health the lastFriday. O may I spend every moment of life in preparing for a never ending eternity!Sunday 7. In none of the duties of the day, did I find any life; my soul was as a barren wilderness unwatered with the dew of heaven. Lord, how long! When shall I taste and see that the Lord is gracious, by his giving even to me the knowledge of salvation by the remission of my sins? Monday eveningMr.J——npreached onMatthewix.12.The whole have no need of a physician, but they that be sick.Lord, I am sick, sick of sin, and truly sick of self. Lord, heal me; be thou my physician, and I shall need no other.Sunday 14.Mr.J——npreached this morning uponIsaiahlv.1.Ho, every one that thirsteth,&c.Lord, I do in some measure thirst. O give me to drink of this living water! *I was so affected when I came home at hearing that poor MissL——ywas not likely to recover, that Icould not read or pray as I desired; but I found many serious, and I trust profitable reflections. O may this providence be productive of good to my soul, and to the souls of all her friends and relations, to whom it will certainly be an affecting stroke, if it does please God to require her soul at this time. On Monday evening at four o’clock, it pleased God to take to himself the soul of my dear MissL——y. Although I found the affection I had for her in her life-time, as strong as ever, I could not shed a tear, when I first heard of her departure: I had such a sight of her in glory, that, instead of wishing her back, I almost rejoiced at her happy change, and longed for the hour to come, wherein I also shall be released and carried by the angels intoAbraham’s bosom, where I shall be eternally happy in the enjoyment of his love, who lived and died for me, a poor miserable sinner. But afterwards I found nature recoil, and had the cruelty to think, that could a wish restore her to her aged parents, particularly her poor distracted mother, I should be tempted to do it. But O blessed be God, nothing, nothing can recall us, when once we are landed on the happy shore. Lord, grant that whenever death calls me hence, I may be prepared to meet it. Let the king of terrors be changed into the prince of peace; let the sting of death be drawn, and O give me a victory over the now terrible and victorious grave.*Thursday 18. This day I with my aunt,Mrs.L——, and MissH——, were invited to the funeral of MissL——y: the two former declined going, but MissH——and I accepted the invitation; and with four other young women, were her bearers. O what an impression did this solemn scene make on my now thoughtful mind, to see her, whom not three weeks ago, I had seen in all the bloom and vigour of youth, now cut down, and her sweet agreeable tabernacle consigned to the silent grave! Lord, thought I, how soon may this be my case; how soon may I also be cut down in the morning of my life, and my parents also be lamenting my untimely end! And am I ready? Can I say with an assured confidence,O death, where is thy sting; O grave, where is thy victory?Alas, alas! it is not so with me! The approach of this formidable foe makes me tremble! O suffer me not to rest in this state, but enable even me to look with triumph on the mouldering tomb!Sunday 21. I did not go out in the morning, but spent the day very comfortably, finding great sweetness in prayer, and much seriousness and solidity upon my mind all the day. The two following days also my mind was much busied about the things of eternity, and my own latter end.Thursday 25. (BeingChristmas-day.) In the evening my uncle preached with much life and power, onLukeii.10.Behold I bring you good tidings of great joy.The enemy stirred up themob to make a disturbance while we were singing the last hymn; but in spite of them, we concluded singing, and after waiting some minutes they were dispersed, and we returned home in peace.*Friday 26. This day and the next my soul was not in so sweet a frame as a few days before: it might be occasioned partly by a violent cold, which weighed down my body very much. O happy day when the soul shall be released from its prison, and freed from its bodily-chain; when the disembodied spirit shall be received with shouts of joy, into the paradise of God.Sunday 28. This morning the family went to the house of God, but a violent cold confined me at home; however, the Lord was present there also, for my soul was greatly refreshed in private duty. Indeed all the day I found great sweetness and comfort in my soul, though my cold unfitted me for any set waiting upon God.Wednesday 31. This night I determined to sit up till I had begun the New-Year, which I accordingly did, spending the time in reading, meditation, and prayer, and I found it comfortable and profitable to wait upon God in the stillness of the night. O may the resolutions which I this night made, be brought to good effect!Thursday, January 8, 1767. This day blessed be God my soul was much alive, and my desiresand expectations quickened by hearing thatMrs.M——n, a person in our class had found the peace of God. I found much attention and sweetness likewise underMr.R——ssermon in the evening.Saturday 10.Mr.R——spreached uponIsaiahxliii.25, 26.I, even I am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake.My soul was in a waiting, expecting frame. Lord, how long shall it be e’re thou satisfy my longing heart with thy love, the thing I desire above all others. I can truly say,“Of all thou hast in earth, or heaven,Let love alone be mine.”Sunday 11. We went to church, had a sermon onEcclesiastesix.10. It was an exceeding pretty discourse, but not a word of Christ in it. The minister exhorted us to improve our time in works of piety, charity, and the duty of our respective callings, but never told us how we were to be enabled to do all these things, presuming, I suppose that his auditory needed no such information. Towards the latter end he allowed us a little innocent diversion, and concluded with saying that by a diligent improvement of our time in all the duties he had recited, we should recommend ourselves to God, and be accounted worthy to be admitted into heaven. I found much♦thankfulness that I was better instructed. I was at preachingin the following fortnight but twice: all this time I was sometimes in earnest, then too careless. Lord, pardon what is past, and O let me for the future give all diligence to make my calling and election sure.♦“thankness” replaced with “thankfulness” per ErrataSunday 25. I did not go out in the morning, but I spent the time very comfortably, in reading the blessed word of God; and in the afternoon I readMr.Hervey’s meditations, which were also exceeding sweet and profitable.Sunday, February 1. I went to the sacrament this day atTrinitychurch. This being the place where the remains of my dear MissL——ywere deposited, it brought many serious reflections, but they did not draw me off the duty, in which I was more immediately engaged. For this week past I have at times found a measure of seriousness and enlargement in private duty. I scarcely know what state my soul has been in this fortnight past, not having had time to write. I fear I am falling into the former Laodicean spirit. Lord Jesus, quicken me; O save me for thy mercy’s sake.Saturday 28. This being my birth-day, I would have spent in retirement, but was prevented; however I spent two hours herein exceeding comfortably. O may I spend each day and moment in the service of him, who has so graciously preserved me to this time! Surely it is of the Lord’s mercies that I have not long since beenconsumed, because his tender compassions fail not.Sunday, March 8. My heart was much drawn towards God this morning, both before and at church. Friday evening a young stranger who appeared quite illiterate, agreeably surprised us with a connected sensible and profitable discourse on,Behold God is my salvation. O when shall I experimentally say these words? Lord, why not now?Sunday 15. I spent the morning very comfortably in reading the scripture withMr.Wesley’s notes; in the afternoonMr.Hervey’s sweet meditations on the starry heavens. I found my soul in a serious thoughtful frame, till I was discomposed by a trifling incident.Sunday 29. I found my soul much led out in prayer, even while I was reading, as I did during the latter end of the last week; blessed be God for it.Sunday, April 5. I was greatly distressed at church, and afterwards, upon account of my sins, and at times was even ready to believe that the Lord would cast me off for ever. All I could say was,“Guilty I stand before thy face,I feel on me thy wrath abide,’Tis just the sentence should take place,’Tis just—but O thy son hath died.”In the evening we had a profitable and lively love-feast, at which my poor soul found some refreshment. O may it be daily fed with the bread of life!“This manna to my soul be given,Sent from the tree of life in heaven.”Friday 17. This day being Good-Friday, we went to the sacrament at the Cathedral, but in no means whether public or private, was my soul blest, tho’ I found great attention to the sermon preached byMr.G——din the evening, upon the words with which our once dying, tho’ now ever living Saviour closed his suffering, painful life!It is finished.Johnxix.30. Amazing truth!“’Twere bold to think it true,If not far bolder still to disbelieve.”That the author and possessor of life eternal, should himself become a prey to death! And for whom? For angels? No, when they left their first and blest estate, it was irretrievably lost. For his friends? No, but for enemies, for rebels, for vile apostates, for ungrateful sinners! Well might the apostle cry out, “O the length and breadth, the depth and height of this stupendous love!” This day was the sad anniversary on which I parted from the tenderest, best of parents, andtook a long, if not a last farewel of my native land; whether I shall ever see that, or my dearest parents more, the Lord knoweth.“But O may we all meet on that peaceful shore,Where pain, and death, and parting are no more!”Sunday, May 3. For this fortnight my soul has been in general in a lifeless, inactive frame; and I have found little blessing in any means, except private prayer; in this I have been frequently quickened and refreshed.Sunday 24. Blessed be God, I found my soul refreshed in private prayer this day, but I had hard work in the evening to keep my mind stayed on God, and attentive to the sermon.Tuesday 26. My soul was very cold and dead all day, but at the class meeting, I found my desires greatly quickened; especially during the last prayer. This lasted all the evening; O may it still continue. Lord, let not my foolish heart rob me of the blessing.Sunday, June 7. I went to the sacrament this morning at theCathedral, but found no particular blessing, tho’ my heart was afterwards refreshed, while waiting upon God in private duties.Sunday 14. My soul was much blest in private prayer this morning, but the rest of the day I was so weighed down with drowsiness that I couldscarce read or pray with any satisfaction: however, my mind was in a serious frame most of the day.Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament atWerburgh’s church, and found my heart affected with a lively sense of God’s love to my soul in sending his Son to die for me. O that this his love might stir me up to love him again, for altho’ he is in himself altogether lovely, yet nothing but a deep heart-felt conviction that Jesus loved me, and gave himself for me, can induce us to love him again. But ah! I cannot, cannot love.“This is my shame, my grief, my hell,I do not love the bleeding Lamb;The Lamb that loved my soul so well,This is my grief, my hell, my shame.”Sunday 28. In private prayer this morning my soul was greatly blest, and I found sweet enlargement in praying for the blessing, both for myself, and for my dearest parents; likewise I found liberty to pray for all my relations and friends, for the church, and for all the world. Blessed be the Lord for this undeserved mercy. In the evening I was stirred up byMr.G——sdiscourse fromHebrewsii.3.How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation?Lord, how shall I escape? Only by flying to the wounds of Jesus; that is the only city of refuge. O may I escape thither, asLotdid toZoar, e’er the storm of divinevengeance be poured on this guilty head.*Monday, July 6. My mind was much distressed this day by that fear which love alone casts out, (the fear of death.) What particularly brought me to reflect upon it at this time, was a dream whichMrs.L——rhad had concerning me; at first I prayed earnestly that the Lord would spare my life, being excessively frightened at the thought of dying: but afterwards I began to consider, what if my request should be granted in wrath,♦as when theIsraelitesprayed for meat? What would become of me then? Perhaps the Lord sees, if I live I shall dishonour him; be a scandal to my profession; a reproach to the people among whom I am; and a grief to my parents. Now if the Lord should take me from the evil to come, should prevent me from doing, as well as suffering evil, by taking me to himself, what cause of complaint should I have? Surely none, nay it would be matter of rejoicing to all eternity: besides should none of these things happen, but were I sure of gliding thro’ this world easily and pleasantly; would it not♠be better to reach the destined haven, without putting to sea at all; or at least with a very short, and as yet a pleasant passage! Did any ever think it was too soon to go to heaven? Surely no. No such complaints were ever made by one soul that got thither at all. But alas! I am unwilling to part with life, because I know not where I shall go. O!“Who can tell me if this strife,In heaven or hell shall end?”♦“as” replaced with “as when” per Errata♠“better” replaced with “be better” per ErrataLord shall my soul be carried by angels intoAbraham’s bosom, or hurried by fiends into endless torments! Lord ’tis true, I am a great sinner; but Jesus is an Almighty Saviour. I entirely renounce all dependence upon myself.“This all my hope, and all my plea,For me the Saviour died.”Yes, my dearest Jesus thou did’st die for me: then I may be saved. LordI believe; help thou mine unbelief. In the eveningMr.H——ngave an account of the life and death ofMr.P——l G——d, an eminent and useful preacher; and then gave out these lines, in which I joined with my whole heart:“O may we thus our parting breath,Into the Saviour’s hand resign:O Jesus, let me die his death,And let his latter end be mine.”We came home twenty minutes before ten, and I fell asleep with the same serious impressions on my spirit, which also lasted most part of the next day, and for several days after.Sunday, August 2. In the eveningMr.F——ltook his leave of us from these words inLukeiv.42.And he said I must go and preach the kingdom of God to other cities also: for therefore am I sent.The next eveningMr.J——ntook his, fromRomansviii.17.And if children, then heirs, heirs of God, and joint heirs with Christ.He was exceeding lively. I found concern in parting with them. O may I profit more by the next!*Thursday 6. Hearing this day of a very melancholy affair, concerning a person whom I knew only by sight: I was exceedingly stirred up to thankfulness, for being so situated, that it was almost impossible the like should befal me: I am surrounded with tender and careful friends, who continually watch over me in love: I am blest with parents, who by words when present with them, and by letters now absent,“Warn me to shun the world’s delusive snares;Teach by their lives, and guard me by their prayers.”And he has inclined my heart to listen to the instructions and advice, I daily receive from one or another. I went to our private meeting on Friday, and found my soul blest, and heartily joined inMr.B——’s prayer for the poor unhappy creature to suffer the ensuing day. Also I was greatly stirred up to pray for her, when in private at night.Saturday 15. About one o’clock my auntB——rand little cousins, arrived inChester; I was extreamly glad to see them. O when will my dear parents come? Lord, thy time is best, only let me be resigned to thy will.“Since none can doubt thy equal love,Unmeasurably kind,To thy unerring, gracious willBe every wish resign’d.”Sunday 16. The ensuing week I was much indisposed, and did not go out till the next Saturday sev’night: during this time, my soul was kept in a calm reliance upon God, tho’ at times I found deadness; which I partly imputed to my disorder (a severe cold.)Saturday, September 13.Mr.P——ngoing toIreland, gave a very profitable discourse uponJohnxvi.31.Do ye now believe?Indeed this was a very comfortable day to my poor soul; which blessed be the Lord, was much refreshed in all the means of grace, both at sacrament, private prayer, and the preaching. This eveningMr.T——rarrived inChester. O may his coming amongst us be productive of much good to this people, and to my poor soul!Friday 18. This was a fast-day kept to intreat the Lord to revive his work in this land.Mr.T——rand my uncle prayed alternately, and with much power. O that it may be such a fast as the Lord approves of, and an acceptable day to him.On Saturday evening,Mr.T——rpreached fromJohnxii.22.Sir, we would see Jesus.Lord I would see him too. O may it be now.Monday 21.Mr.H——n, who had accompanied LadyM——to town, with her and her brother, dined with us. She is the most affable lady I have ever seen, and dresses almost as plain♦as we do.♦duplicate word “as” removedSunday, October 4. In the evening my soul was quickened whileMr.T——rwas preaching on the parable of the dry bones.*Tuesday, November 17. On this day were united, my uncleF——, and my truly dear and respected friendMrs.M—— L——. With unspeakable pleasure I embraced her, as a most dear loved relative. With the same satisfaction she was received by those of my aunts, who reside in this place, as their sister; and I doubt not will be by those who are now absent, when they hear the surprising tidings. My heart’s desire and prayer to God for them is, that they may be long blest with each other; that this union may be a means of uniting them more closely to the blessed bridegroom of the church; and that finally, they and we may be received into the family of heaven, with aWell-done good and faithful servants, enter ye into the joy of your Lord.Thursday 19. The committing a known sin, threw me into exquisite distress, so that I hardly dared to go to prayer, and Satan making the best of his opportunity sorely wounded me; yea, hadslain me, had not the sinner’s friend stept in to rescue me, and given me hope. This hope was confirmed in meeting my class on Tuesday. Blessed be his name for this! But still this can’t suffice, unless he give me his dear self which my soul truly longeth for.Sunday 29. I spent the day profitable, and comfortably, thanks be to God.Mr.T——rpreached in the evening onIsaiahlv.1.Ho, every one that thirsteth,&c.O how sweet an invitation to the thirsty soul! Lord, give me grace to accept it. Thursday evening my uncle preached onMarkvii.24.But he could not be hid.After sermon he informed us ofMr.P——n’s being taken to rest on Sunday, November 22, who about two months ago was standing in that pulpit, inviting sinners to come to Christ in the most earnest manner: he then dined with us, and after dinner sung a hymn very suitable, (as it has proved) for himself, who was so soon to enter into the joy of his Lord. It was a funeral hymn, and begun with these lines,“Away with our sorrow and fear,We soon shall recover our home,The city of saints shall appear,The day of eternity come.“From earth we shall quickly remove,And mount to our native abode,The house of our Father above:The palace of angels and God.”*My mind was much taken up all the evening, and the following day, with the thought of death; which occasioned many serious reflections. I think if the Lord would make me meet for glory, I could (young as I am,) quit the world, and not leave a wish behind: but the Lord’s will be done!Thursday, December 10. My uncle gave an exceeding comfortable and profitable discourse fromIsaiahxl.1.Comfort ye, Comfort ye my people, saith your God.My soul was much refreshed, herein God fulfilled that promise,Before they call, I will answer, for I went without the least expectation of a blessing, and scarcely dared to pray for one, knowing my great unworthiness. However the Lord met me, and gave fresh hopes and desires, for which may I bless his name, while I have breath.*Sunday 13. In the eveningMr.C——kpreached a sermon on these awful words,Revelationvi.17.For the great day of his wrath is come, and who shall be able to stand?Who indeed but those who have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb, who have made the judge their friend! These and these only shall stand with boldness in that day. Lord, shall I be one of that number?Friday 25. I found a blessing at the Lord’s table, where I solemnly dedicated myself to him, who gave himself for me. O may it be unreservedly and irrevocably! Lord, here is my heart; O take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above.Sunday 27. Our house being in such confusion, as it has been for some days past, by reason of the sickness which has been in it, my mind has not been in that composed sweet frame as I could wish: but one blessing I have experienced, which is, I have been enabled to exercise patience, so as not to murmur and fret, tho’ every thing has gone cross with me. Nay thro’ the mercy of God, I have rejoiced in it: and been thankful for having an opportunity of chearfully bearing the cross; for all which I desire to praise my God.Monday, December 23. In the eveningMr.T——rmade a useful discourse onLamentationsiii.22.It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.He shewed the many ways whereby we might have been consumed; and the many mercies we have received from God. When I first went into the chapel, my mind was exceedingly disturbed by many evil tempers. But in singing this verse,“From anger set our spirits free,It worketh not thy righteousness:In patience let us wait on thee,And quietly our souls possess:”The thought cross’d my mind: shall I thus mock God; pray to him to compose my mind, while I am yielding to these tempers? I resolved to strive against them: thro’ his strength I overcame them, and found a blessing tho’ entirely unexpected.*Friday 29. I was confined to my bed, being much indisposed. O what a short transition from time to eternity! I thought much of dying, but felt no fear: not because I was now ready, but I firmly believed the Lord would cut short his work in righteousness if he called me.[This illness, after a day or two, much increased, and appeared to be a putrid fever: but her mind continued stayed upon God. About a fortnight, after she was taken, she expressed a full confidence in him, being wholly delivered from the fear of death. A few days after, her speech and hearing were taken away, by the violence of her distemper. But it was easy to discern, that her understanding remained, tho’ she could converse with none but God. Her eyes and hands almost continually lifted up, shewed her heart was still with him. In her greatest agonies of pain, there was not the least mark of impatience: till onJanuarythe21st, 1768, about four o’clock in the afternoon, she quietly resigned her spirit to God.]
♦“beseting” replaced with “besetting”
♦“beseting” replaced with “besetting”
♦“beseting” replaced with “besetting”
Monday 16. I was much cast down, by receiving a letter from my dear mamma, containing a melancholy account of the situation of my dear papa’s health: but in the midst of my anxiety, I found a great confidence in God: so that most of my uneasiness was upon his account. Lord, strengthen, comfort, and bless him for Jesus’s sake. The two following days my mind was much hurried by the confusion the house has been in; nevertheless I have been constant in private duty, and have generally found it good to drawnigh to God. O what a God have we to deal with, and yet I cannot find a heart to love him. Lord, soften this obdurate heart, and give me an heart to love thee; for this thou knowest is all my desire.
Tuesday 24. All this week I have been in a very disagreeable frame, being neither in earnest for my soul, nor quite forgetful of it. I have been constant in private duties, tho’ I am often fearful that I am only drawing nigh to God with my lips; but on Saturday, my soul was much blest underMr.R——’s preaching: his text was inRomansviii.17, 18.And if children then heirs,&c.My desires were exceedingly earnest to be made a partaker of those glorious privileges of the sons of God. O Lord, when shall I be one of thy children?
Sunday 29. In the morningMr.R——’s text was inRomansviii.32.He that spared not his own son,&c.O these encouraging, these heart reviving words! Why, O my soul art thou so backward to believe the promises of God? Surely he is not a man, that can deceive thee. O then believe the record true. Then, and not till then, shalt thou experience real happiness.
Monday, July 7. All this week my soul has been cold and dead, and I (to my shame and grief) have been too negligent in private duties. How truly may it be said the way of sin is down hill? I was hindered from prayer one day at my usual hour, and almost every day afterwards,something happened just at that time to keep me from that duty. I observe that if I neglect it one day, I am sure to do the same for several days running. Lord, help me to be watchful, seeing my subtle adversary is ever watching to betray me into sin, either of omission or commission.
Sunday 13. I found a small degree of life in private prayer, which was the only duty I was quickened in this day. Lord help me out of this stupid state! On Thursday evening my uncle preached onMatthewxiii.46.Who when he had found one pearl of great price,&c.O that the Lord would enable me instantly to part with all, and purchase this pearl! All this week my soul has been in the same lukewarm state, and yet generally quickened in private prayer, especially one evening I had such a discovery of the love of God to sinners, that I was almost enabled to believe he died for me.
Sunday 20. This morningMr.M——gave us a sweet discourse on2 Peteri.4.Whereby are given unto us exceeding great promises,&c.I found my soul blest under it, and afterwards at the sacrament inSt.John’s church, blessed be God.
Monday 21. I was too neglectful of private duty this day, and therefore ’tis no wonder if my soul was dry and barren in other duties. While we were at preaching in the evening, my dear friend MissD——arrived fromIreland. I was much rejoiced to see her, and she seemed to beso at seeing me. May we all at last meet round our Father’s throne!
Friday 25. In the afternoon we walked toCrislington; and went to see the rector’s garden, who is for ever altering it. After being at great expence to have it done to his mind, still it does not please him. O how restless is the mind of man! Ever seeking after rest, he cannot find it nigh, nor ever will, till he finds it in Jesus.
Friday, August 1. The state of my soul this week has been much as usual. O that the Lord would stir me up! That he would make me in earnest, and then I should soon attain the prize. I shall one day perish by the hand of sin, unless a miracle of mercy interpose. Lord, save or I perish! Save, or I must inevitably fall a prey to the evil that lies in this rebellious heart.
Sunday 3. I found myself much encouraged whileMr.G——kwas describing the rest that remained to those who were seekers after God, that I might include myself in that number; but I sometimes fear, even this appellation does not belong to me. Lord, suffer me not to deceive myself for thy mercy’s sake.
Tuesday 5. My poor heart still continued dead; no life, no power in drawing near to God. Still my soul is as a barren wilderness. Lord, water me with the dew of thy grace, then the wilderness will become a fruitful land, and the desert, springs of water.
Sunday 17. In retirement, both before andafter preaching, I found my soul greatly led out to pray for faith, for myself, and my dear parents, and a measure of confidence, that God would hear my prayer: but alas for me, in the afternoon levity again prevailed, and I lost both the confidence, and power to pray for it.
Sunday 17.Mr.M——rpreached onActsxxiv.16.Herein I exercise myself, to have a conscience void of offence towards God, and towards man.On his mentioning his going away, I could not forbear bursting into tears; I am sure all the people (would they speak the truth impartially) must acknowledge he has exercised himself to have a conscience void of offence.
*Wednesday 20. In the eveningMr.M——rgave us a sweet discourse, onColossiansiii.11.But Christ is all, and in all.My concern at parting with him, stole away all the benefit I might have reaped from the sermon. Alas! that I should be so foolish as to look more to the servant than to his Lord, and think because he is going away, I shall never more be blest under preaching; as if God could not bless me, as well by one as another. Lord, I beseech thee, to forgive this sin.
Thursday 21. This morning I arose to hearMr.M——slast discourse, which was very affecting, and drew tears from many eyes. I found much cause for lamentation, that I had not profited more by him, and a determined resolution to set out afresh in the strength of divine grace, that I may not have the same complaint to make, whenwe part with the next. Lord, strengthen this resolution.
Sunday 24. I was some part of this day employed in readingMr.Morgan’s crucified Jesus. O that I could copy after my afflicted, self-denying Master! He never sought to please himself; but alas for me, how seldom is it I seek to please any other! Lord, forgive me: let me learn to deny myself, take up my cross and follow thee.
Thursday 28. In the eveningMr.J——who is the assistant preached his first sermon on1 Corinthiansiii.22.All are yours.I think him a good preacher; but I cannot yet give upMr.M——for any other.
Friday 29.Mr.G——dpreached on1 Corinthiansi.23.We preach Christ crucified.It was a good sermon, but I thought so much ofMr.M——, that I was quite tired because it was not him. Lord forgive me my too great attachment to the creature, and fix my heart more upon the Creator.
Sunday 31. This morningMr.G——dpreached fromHoseavi.1.Come let us return to the Lord,&c.He spoke exactly to the state I seemed to be in, and I was determined to set this day apart, to examine myself, and to seek the Lord in good earnest. But as soon as I came home, Satan prepared something to draw my mind off, and render me unfit for any duty, whether reading, praying, or any thing else. Lord, make me more careful for the time to come, that I maynot so easily let slip the things which I have received.
Tuesday, September 2. My soul was in a measure blest in meeting class, and I found a resolution to set out afresh. Lord, let it not prove abortive as all others have done, but do thou bring it to good effect for thy mercy’s sake.
Wednesday 3. I think this day I found more solidity, and not so much levity of spirit as I did the day before. I also found my soul in a measure quickened both in private prayer, and in meeting band, for which undeserved mercies, Lord make me truly thankful, and let me shew my gratitude by endeavouring to retain, and improve them, that so I may have more.
Friday 12. In the evening at preaching, I found my soul in a small degree quickened. Lord, continue even this spark, and blow it into a flame!
Monday 15. I met our class to renew the tickets; but I missedMr.M——r’s lively manner of examining and exhorting each one, according to their various states.
Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament atSt.John’s church, but all the time I was there, I was so beset with a particular temptation, that I had hard work to keep from yielding to it. In the eveningMr.J——npreached and met the society; but I sadly missedMr.M——’s close and sweet applications and exhortations, which underGod were exceeding profitable to me. This week my poor unstable mind has been much tossed with vain and wandring thoughts. O when shall my heart and treasure be laid up in heaven! Then, and not till then, will my mind also be fixed, stedfastly fixed in that thrice happy place. I have also been dry and dead in every means, which indeed is no wonder, when foolish thoughts are given way to; they necessarily damp the work of God in the soul. Lord, make me more watchful.
Sunday 28. I spent the day comfortably, and found a degree of sweetness in prayer. O for a thankful heart!
Thursday, October 10. This day being the quarterly meeting, we had a number of strange preachers in town; and in the evening oneMr.S——tpreached. He is not a very connected preacher, but one of the most lively and powerful, that I ever heard. I was more stirred up and quickened under this sermon, than I have been for months before. There seemed to be an awful solemnity, resting upon the whole congregation.
Monday 26. In the evening it rained much; but I ventured out, and was well paid for so doing, byMr.M——’s discourse upon1 Corinthiansvi.11.But ye are justified in the name of theLord Jesus.
Sunday, November 2. I went to the sacrament atTrinitychurch, but found no particular blessingin that ordinance, or indeed any other; my mind being much exercised, as it had been great part of the last week, in which nothing seemed sweet or profitable to me, but private prayer.
Sunday 9. All this week my mind has been much diverted from God, by a circumstance which befel me, not very pleasing to flesh and blood. Lord, give me wisdom, grace, and prudence to guide me through the trials I am liable to meet with here: and O at last receive my poor soul to the peaceful haven of everlasting rest; where all the storms of this tumultuous life are over, and all is quietness and assurance for ever!
*Monday 17.Mr.J——ndined with us this day; I think he is one of the most agreeable men I know. On Thursday evening my uncle preached uponMatthewxx.32.What will ye that I shall do unto you?My soul was more blest under this discourse, than under any sinceMr.S——tpreached. In the application, he desired each to ask their own soul, what is my most prevailing desire? Riches, honour, or pleasure? But my heart rejected all these, and replied,
“None but Christ to me be given,None by Christ in earth or heaven.”
“None but Christ to me be given,None by Christ in earth or heaven.”
“None but Christ to me be given,
None by Christ in earth or heaven.”
Sunday 23. I found my soul much quickened in private duty to-day. O how good is it todraw nigh to God, and yet how loath am I to do it!
Sunday 30. In reading the scripture, and one of the volumes of the Library, I found a degree of enlargement, and also in private prayer, tho’ I had felt a great backwardness to it.
Tuesday, December 2. After I was in bed, my mind was much employed in meditating on death, and the vanity of all earthly things, occasioned by hearing that poor MissL——ywas extreamly ill, whom I had seen in perfect health the lastFriday. O may I spend every moment of life in preparing for a never ending eternity!
Sunday 7. In none of the duties of the day, did I find any life; my soul was as a barren wilderness unwatered with the dew of heaven. Lord, how long! When shall I taste and see that the Lord is gracious, by his giving even to me the knowledge of salvation by the remission of my sins? Monday eveningMr.J——npreached onMatthewix.12.The whole have no need of a physician, but they that be sick.Lord, I am sick, sick of sin, and truly sick of self. Lord, heal me; be thou my physician, and I shall need no other.
Sunday 14.Mr.J——npreached this morning uponIsaiahlv.1.Ho, every one that thirsteth,&c.Lord, I do in some measure thirst. O give me to drink of this living water! *I was so affected when I came home at hearing that poor MissL——ywas not likely to recover, that Icould not read or pray as I desired; but I found many serious, and I trust profitable reflections. O may this providence be productive of good to my soul, and to the souls of all her friends and relations, to whom it will certainly be an affecting stroke, if it does please God to require her soul at this time. On Monday evening at four o’clock, it pleased God to take to himself the soul of my dear MissL——y. Although I found the affection I had for her in her life-time, as strong as ever, I could not shed a tear, when I first heard of her departure: I had such a sight of her in glory, that, instead of wishing her back, I almost rejoiced at her happy change, and longed for the hour to come, wherein I also shall be released and carried by the angels intoAbraham’s bosom, where I shall be eternally happy in the enjoyment of his love, who lived and died for me, a poor miserable sinner. But afterwards I found nature recoil, and had the cruelty to think, that could a wish restore her to her aged parents, particularly her poor distracted mother, I should be tempted to do it. But O blessed be God, nothing, nothing can recall us, when once we are landed on the happy shore. Lord, grant that whenever death calls me hence, I may be prepared to meet it. Let the king of terrors be changed into the prince of peace; let the sting of death be drawn, and O give me a victory over the now terrible and victorious grave.
*Thursday 18. This day I with my aunt,Mrs.L——, and MissH——, were invited to the funeral of MissL——y: the two former declined going, but MissH——and I accepted the invitation; and with four other young women, were her bearers. O what an impression did this solemn scene make on my now thoughtful mind, to see her, whom not three weeks ago, I had seen in all the bloom and vigour of youth, now cut down, and her sweet agreeable tabernacle consigned to the silent grave! Lord, thought I, how soon may this be my case; how soon may I also be cut down in the morning of my life, and my parents also be lamenting my untimely end! And am I ready? Can I say with an assured confidence,O death, where is thy sting; O grave, where is thy victory?Alas, alas! it is not so with me! The approach of this formidable foe makes me tremble! O suffer me not to rest in this state, but enable even me to look with triumph on the mouldering tomb!
Sunday 21. I did not go out in the morning, but spent the day very comfortably, finding great sweetness in prayer, and much seriousness and solidity upon my mind all the day. The two following days also my mind was much busied about the things of eternity, and my own latter end.
Thursday 25. (BeingChristmas-day.) In the evening my uncle preached with much life and power, onLukeii.10.Behold I bring you good tidings of great joy.The enemy stirred up themob to make a disturbance while we were singing the last hymn; but in spite of them, we concluded singing, and after waiting some minutes they were dispersed, and we returned home in peace.
*Friday 26. This day and the next my soul was not in so sweet a frame as a few days before: it might be occasioned partly by a violent cold, which weighed down my body very much. O happy day when the soul shall be released from its prison, and freed from its bodily-chain; when the disembodied spirit shall be received with shouts of joy, into the paradise of God.
Sunday 28. This morning the family went to the house of God, but a violent cold confined me at home; however, the Lord was present there also, for my soul was greatly refreshed in private duty. Indeed all the day I found great sweetness and comfort in my soul, though my cold unfitted me for any set waiting upon God.
Wednesday 31. This night I determined to sit up till I had begun the New-Year, which I accordingly did, spending the time in reading, meditation, and prayer, and I found it comfortable and profitable to wait upon God in the stillness of the night. O may the resolutions which I this night made, be brought to good effect!
Thursday, January 8, 1767. This day blessed be God my soul was much alive, and my desiresand expectations quickened by hearing thatMrs.M——n, a person in our class had found the peace of God. I found much attention and sweetness likewise underMr.R——ssermon in the evening.
Saturday 10.Mr.R——spreached uponIsaiahxliii.25, 26.I, even I am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake.My soul was in a waiting, expecting frame. Lord, how long shall it be e’re thou satisfy my longing heart with thy love, the thing I desire above all others. I can truly say,
“Of all thou hast in earth, or heaven,Let love alone be mine.”
“Of all thou hast in earth, or heaven,Let love alone be mine.”
“Of all thou hast in earth, or heaven,
Let love alone be mine.”
Sunday 11. We went to church, had a sermon onEcclesiastesix.10. It was an exceeding pretty discourse, but not a word of Christ in it. The minister exhorted us to improve our time in works of piety, charity, and the duty of our respective callings, but never told us how we were to be enabled to do all these things, presuming, I suppose that his auditory needed no such information. Towards the latter end he allowed us a little innocent diversion, and concluded with saying that by a diligent improvement of our time in all the duties he had recited, we should recommend ourselves to God, and be accounted worthy to be admitted into heaven. I found much♦thankfulness that I was better instructed. I was at preachingin the following fortnight but twice: all this time I was sometimes in earnest, then too careless. Lord, pardon what is past, and O let me for the future give all diligence to make my calling and election sure.
♦“thankness” replaced with “thankfulness” per Errata
♦“thankness” replaced with “thankfulness” per Errata
♦“thankness” replaced with “thankfulness” per Errata
Sunday 25. I did not go out in the morning, but I spent the time very comfortably, in reading the blessed word of God; and in the afternoon I readMr.Hervey’s meditations, which were also exceeding sweet and profitable.
Sunday, February 1. I went to the sacrament this day atTrinitychurch. This being the place where the remains of my dear MissL——ywere deposited, it brought many serious reflections, but they did not draw me off the duty, in which I was more immediately engaged. For this week past I have at times found a measure of seriousness and enlargement in private duty. I scarcely know what state my soul has been in this fortnight past, not having had time to write. I fear I am falling into the former Laodicean spirit. Lord Jesus, quicken me; O save me for thy mercy’s sake.
Saturday 28. This being my birth-day, I would have spent in retirement, but was prevented; however I spent two hours herein exceeding comfortably. O may I spend each day and moment in the service of him, who has so graciously preserved me to this time! Surely it is of the Lord’s mercies that I have not long since beenconsumed, because his tender compassions fail not.
Sunday, March 8. My heart was much drawn towards God this morning, both before and at church. Friday evening a young stranger who appeared quite illiterate, agreeably surprised us with a connected sensible and profitable discourse on,Behold God is my salvation. O when shall I experimentally say these words? Lord, why not now?
Sunday 15. I spent the morning very comfortably in reading the scripture withMr.Wesley’s notes; in the afternoonMr.Hervey’s sweet meditations on the starry heavens. I found my soul in a serious thoughtful frame, till I was discomposed by a trifling incident.
Sunday 29. I found my soul much led out in prayer, even while I was reading, as I did during the latter end of the last week; blessed be God for it.
Sunday, April 5. I was greatly distressed at church, and afterwards, upon account of my sins, and at times was even ready to believe that the Lord would cast me off for ever. All I could say was,
“Guilty I stand before thy face,I feel on me thy wrath abide,’Tis just the sentence should take place,’Tis just—but O thy son hath died.”
“Guilty I stand before thy face,I feel on me thy wrath abide,’Tis just the sentence should take place,’Tis just—but O thy son hath died.”
“Guilty I stand before thy face,
I feel on me thy wrath abide,
’Tis just the sentence should take place,
’Tis just—but O thy son hath died.”
In the evening we had a profitable and lively love-feast, at which my poor soul found some refreshment. O may it be daily fed with the bread of life!
“This manna to my soul be given,Sent from the tree of life in heaven.”
“This manna to my soul be given,Sent from the tree of life in heaven.”
“This manna to my soul be given,
Sent from the tree of life in heaven.”
Friday 17. This day being Good-Friday, we went to the sacrament at the Cathedral, but in no means whether public or private, was my soul blest, tho’ I found great attention to the sermon preached byMr.G——din the evening, upon the words with which our once dying, tho’ now ever living Saviour closed his suffering, painful life!It is finished.Johnxix.30. Amazing truth!
“’Twere bold to think it true,If not far bolder still to disbelieve.”
“’Twere bold to think it true,If not far bolder still to disbelieve.”
“’Twere bold to think it true,
If not far bolder still to disbelieve.”
That the author and possessor of life eternal, should himself become a prey to death! And for whom? For angels? No, when they left their first and blest estate, it was irretrievably lost. For his friends? No, but for enemies, for rebels, for vile apostates, for ungrateful sinners! Well might the apostle cry out, “O the length and breadth, the depth and height of this stupendous love!” This day was the sad anniversary on which I parted from the tenderest, best of parents, andtook a long, if not a last farewel of my native land; whether I shall ever see that, or my dearest parents more, the Lord knoweth.
“But O may we all meet on that peaceful shore,Where pain, and death, and parting are no more!”
“But O may we all meet on that peaceful shore,Where pain, and death, and parting are no more!”
“But O may we all meet on that peaceful shore,
Where pain, and death, and parting are no more!”
Sunday, May 3. For this fortnight my soul has been in general in a lifeless, inactive frame; and I have found little blessing in any means, except private prayer; in this I have been frequently quickened and refreshed.
Sunday 24. Blessed be God, I found my soul refreshed in private prayer this day, but I had hard work in the evening to keep my mind stayed on God, and attentive to the sermon.
Tuesday 26. My soul was very cold and dead all day, but at the class meeting, I found my desires greatly quickened; especially during the last prayer. This lasted all the evening; O may it still continue. Lord, let not my foolish heart rob me of the blessing.
Sunday, June 7. I went to the sacrament this morning at theCathedral, but found no particular blessing, tho’ my heart was afterwards refreshed, while waiting upon God in private duties.
Sunday 14. My soul was much blest in private prayer this morning, but the rest of the day I was so weighed down with drowsiness that I couldscarce read or pray with any satisfaction: however, my mind was in a serious frame most of the day.
Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament atWerburgh’s church, and found my heart affected with a lively sense of God’s love to my soul in sending his Son to die for me. O that this his love might stir me up to love him again, for altho’ he is in himself altogether lovely, yet nothing but a deep heart-felt conviction that Jesus loved me, and gave himself for me, can induce us to love him again. But ah! I cannot, cannot love.
“This is my shame, my grief, my hell,I do not love the bleeding Lamb;The Lamb that loved my soul so well,This is my grief, my hell, my shame.”
“This is my shame, my grief, my hell,I do not love the bleeding Lamb;The Lamb that loved my soul so well,This is my grief, my hell, my shame.”
“This is my shame, my grief, my hell,
I do not love the bleeding Lamb;
The Lamb that loved my soul so well,
This is my grief, my hell, my shame.”
Sunday 28. In private prayer this morning my soul was greatly blest, and I found sweet enlargement in praying for the blessing, both for myself, and for my dearest parents; likewise I found liberty to pray for all my relations and friends, for the church, and for all the world. Blessed be the Lord for this undeserved mercy. In the evening I was stirred up byMr.G——sdiscourse fromHebrewsii.3.How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation?Lord, how shall I escape? Only by flying to the wounds of Jesus; that is the only city of refuge. O may I escape thither, asLotdid toZoar, e’er the storm of divinevengeance be poured on this guilty head.
*Monday, July 6. My mind was much distressed this day by that fear which love alone casts out, (the fear of death.) What particularly brought me to reflect upon it at this time, was a dream whichMrs.L——rhad had concerning me; at first I prayed earnestly that the Lord would spare my life, being excessively frightened at the thought of dying: but afterwards I began to consider, what if my request should be granted in wrath,♦as when theIsraelitesprayed for meat? What would become of me then? Perhaps the Lord sees, if I live I shall dishonour him; be a scandal to my profession; a reproach to the people among whom I am; and a grief to my parents. Now if the Lord should take me from the evil to come, should prevent me from doing, as well as suffering evil, by taking me to himself, what cause of complaint should I have? Surely none, nay it would be matter of rejoicing to all eternity: besides should none of these things happen, but were I sure of gliding thro’ this world easily and pleasantly; would it not♠be better to reach the destined haven, without putting to sea at all; or at least with a very short, and as yet a pleasant passage! Did any ever think it was too soon to go to heaven? Surely no. No such complaints were ever made by one soul that got thither at all. But alas! I am unwilling to part with life, because I know not where I shall go. O!
“Who can tell me if this strife,In heaven or hell shall end?”
“Who can tell me if this strife,In heaven or hell shall end?”
“Who can tell me if this strife,
In heaven or hell shall end?”
♦“as” replaced with “as when” per Errata♠“better” replaced with “be better” per Errata
♦“as” replaced with “as when” per Errata
♦“as” replaced with “as when” per Errata
♠“better” replaced with “be better” per Errata
♠“better” replaced with “be better” per Errata
Lord shall my soul be carried by angels intoAbraham’s bosom, or hurried by fiends into endless torments! Lord ’tis true, I am a great sinner; but Jesus is an Almighty Saviour. I entirely renounce all dependence upon myself.
“This all my hope, and all my plea,For me the Saviour died.”
“This all my hope, and all my plea,For me the Saviour died.”
“This all my hope, and all my plea,
For me the Saviour died.”
Yes, my dearest Jesus thou did’st die for me: then I may be saved. LordI believe; help thou mine unbelief. In the eveningMr.H——ngave an account of the life and death ofMr.P——l G——d, an eminent and useful preacher; and then gave out these lines, in which I joined with my whole heart:
“O may we thus our parting breath,Into the Saviour’s hand resign:O Jesus, let me die his death,And let his latter end be mine.”
“O may we thus our parting breath,Into the Saviour’s hand resign:O Jesus, let me die his death,And let his latter end be mine.”
“O may we thus our parting breath,
Into the Saviour’s hand resign:
O Jesus, let me die his death,
And let his latter end be mine.”
We came home twenty minutes before ten, and I fell asleep with the same serious impressions on my spirit, which also lasted most part of the next day, and for several days after.
Sunday, August 2. In the eveningMr.F——ltook his leave of us from these words inLukeiv.42.And he said I must go and preach the kingdom of God to other cities also: for therefore am I sent.The next eveningMr.J——ntook his, fromRomansviii.17.And if children, then heirs, heirs of God, and joint heirs with Christ.He was exceeding lively. I found concern in parting with them. O may I profit more by the next!
*Thursday 6. Hearing this day of a very melancholy affair, concerning a person whom I knew only by sight: I was exceedingly stirred up to thankfulness, for being so situated, that it was almost impossible the like should befal me: I am surrounded with tender and careful friends, who continually watch over me in love: I am blest with parents, who by words when present with them, and by letters now absent,
“Warn me to shun the world’s delusive snares;Teach by their lives, and guard me by their prayers.”
“Warn me to shun the world’s delusive snares;Teach by their lives, and guard me by their prayers.”
“Warn me to shun the world’s delusive snares;
Teach by their lives, and guard me by their prayers.”
And he has inclined my heart to listen to the instructions and advice, I daily receive from one or another. I went to our private meeting on Friday, and found my soul blest, and heartily joined inMr.B——’s prayer for the poor unhappy creature to suffer the ensuing day. Also I was greatly stirred up to pray for her, when in private at night.
Saturday 15. About one o’clock my auntB——rand little cousins, arrived inChester; I was extreamly glad to see them. O when will my dear parents come? Lord, thy time is best, only let me be resigned to thy will.
“Since none can doubt thy equal love,Unmeasurably kind,To thy unerring, gracious willBe every wish resign’d.”
“Since none can doubt thy equal love,Unmeasurably kind,To thy unerring, gracious willBe every wish resign’d.”
“Since none can doubt thy equal love,
Unmeasurably kind,
To thy unerring, gracious will
Be every wish resign’d.”
Sunday 16. The ensuing week I was much indisposed, and did not go out till the next Saturday sev’night: during this time, my soul was kept in a calm reliance upon God, tho’ at times I found deadness; which I partly imputed to my disorder (a severe cold.)
Saturday, September 13.Mr.P——ngoing toIreland, gave a very profitable discourse uponJohnxvi.31.Do ye now believe?Indeed this was a very comfortable day to my poor soul; which blessed be the Lord, was much refreshed in all the means of grace, both at sacrament, private prayer, and the preaching. This eveningMr.T——rarrived inChester. O may his coming amongst us be productive of much good to this people, and to my poor soul!
Friday 18. This was a fast-day kept to intreat the Lord to revive his work in this land.Mr.T——rand my uncle prayed alternately, and with much power. O that it may be such a fast as the Lord approves of, and an acceptable day to him.On Saturday evening,Mr.T——rpreached fromJohnxii.22.Sir, we would see Jesus.Lord I would see him too. O may it be now.
Monday 21.Mr.H——n, who had accompanied LadyM——to town, with her and her brother, dined with us. She is the most affable lady I have ever seen, and dresses almost as plain♦as we do.
♦duplicate word “as” removed
♦duplicate word “as” removed
♦duplicate word “as” removed
Sunday, October 4. In the evening my soul was quickened whileMr.T——rwas preaching on the parable of the dry bones.
*Tuesday, November 17. On this day were united, my uncleF——, and my truly dear and respected friendMrs.M—— L——. With unspeakable pleasure I embraced her, as a most dear loved relative. With the same satisfaction she was received by those of my aunts, who reside in this place, as their sister; and I doubt not will be by those who are now absent, when they hear the surprising tidings. My heart’s desire and prayer to God for them is, that they may be long blest with each other; that this union may be a means of uniting them more closely to the blessed bridegroom of the church; and that finally, they and we may be received into the family of heaven, with aWell-done good and faithful servants, enter ye into the joy of your Lord.
Thursday 19. The committing a known sin, threw me into exquisite distress, so that I hardly dared to go to prayer, and Satan making the best of his opportunity sorely wounded me; yea, hadslain me, had not the sinner’s friend stept in to rescue me, and given me hope. This hope was confirmed in meeting my class on Tuesday. Blessed be his name for this! But still this can’t suffice, unless he give me his dear self which my soul truly longeth for.
Sunday 29. I spent the day profitable, and comfortably, thanks be to God.Mr.T——rpreached in the evening onIsaiahlv.1.Ho, every one that thirsteth,&c.O how sweet an invitation to the thirsty soul! Lord, give me grace to accept it. Thursday evening my uncle preached onMarkvii.24.But he could not be hid.After sermon he informed us ofMr.P——n’s being taken to rest on Sunday, November 22, who about two months ago was standing in that pulpit, inviting sinners to come to Christ in the most earnest manner: he then dined with us, and after dinner sung a hymn very suitable, (as it has proved) for himself, who was so soon to enter into the joy of his Lord. It was a funeral hymn, and begun with these lines,
“Away with our sorrow and fear,We soon shall recover our home,The city of saints shall appear,The day of eternity come.“From earth we shall quickly remove,And mount to our native abode,The house of our Father above:The palace of angels and God.”
“Away with our sorrow and fear,We soon shall recover our home,The city of saints shall appear,The day of eternity come.“From earth we shall quickly remove,And mount to our native abode,The house of our Father above:The palace of angels and God.”
“Away with our sorrow and fear,
We soon shall recover our home,
The city of saints shall appear,
The day of eternity come.
“From earth we shall quickly remove,
And mount to our native abode,
The house of our Father above:
The palace of angels and God.”
*My mind was much taken up all the evening, and the following day, with the thought of death; which occasioned many serious reflections. I think if the Lord would make me meet for glory, I could (young as I am,) quit the world, and not leave a wish behind: but the Lord’s will be done!
Thursday, December 10. My uncle gave an exceeding comfortable and profitable discourse fromIsaiahxl.1.Comfort ye, Comfort ye my people, saith your God.My soul was much refreshed, herein God fulfilled that promise,Before they call, I will answer, for I went without the least expectation of a blessing, and scarcely dared to pray for one, knowing my great unworthiness. However the Lord met me, and gave fresh hopes and desires, for which may I bless his name, while I have breath.
*Sunday 13. In the eveningMr.C——kpreached a sermon on these awful words,Revelationvi.17.For the great day of his wrath is come, and who shall be able to stand?Who indeed but those who have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb, who have made the judge their friend! These and these only shall stand with boldness in that day. Lord, shall I be one of that number?
Friday 25. I found a blessing at the Lord’s table, where I solemnly dedicated myself to him, who gave himself for me. O may it be unreservedly and irrevocably! Lord, here is my heart; O take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above.
Sunday 27. Our house being in such confusion, as it has been for some days past, by reason of the sickness which has been in it, my mind has not been in that composed sweet frame as I could wish: but one blessing I have experienced, which is, I have been enabled to exercise patience, so as not to murmur and fret, tho’ every thing has gone cross with me. Nay thro’ the mercy of God, I have rejoiced in it: and been thankful for having an opportunity of chearfully bearing the cross; for all which I desire to praise my God.
Monday, December 23. In the eveningMr.T——rmade a useful discourse onLamentationsiii.22.It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.He shewed the many ways whereby we might have been consumed; and the many mercies we have received from God. When I first went into the chapel, my mind was exceedingly disturbed by many evil tempers. But in singing this verse,
“From anger set our spirits free,It worketh not thy righteousness:In patience let us wait on thee,And quietly our souls possess:”
“From anger set our spirits free,It worketh not thy righteousness:In patience let us wait on thee,And quietly our souls possess:”
“From anger set our spirits free,
It worketh not thy righteousness:
In patience let us wait on thee,
And quietly our souls possess:”
The thought cross’d my mind: shall I thus mock God; pray to him to compose my mind, while I am yielding to these tempers? I resolved to strive against them: thro’ his strength I overcame them, and found a blessing tho’ entirely unexpected.
*Friday 29. I was confined to my bed, being much indisposed. O what a short transition from time to eternity! I thought much of dying, but felt no fear: not because I was now ready, but I firmly believed the Lord would cut short his work in righteousness if he called me.
[This illness, after a day or two, much increased, and appeared to be a putrid fever: but her mind continued stayed upon God. About a fortnight, after she was taken, she expressed a full confidence in him, being wholly delivered from the fear of death. A few days after, her speech and hearing were taken away, by the violence of her distemper. But it was easy to discern, that her understanding remained, tho’ she could converse with none but God. Her eyes and hands almost continually lifted up, shewed her heart was still with him. In her greatest agonies of pain, there was not the least mark of impatience: till onJanuarythe21st, 1768, about four o’clock in the afternoon, she quietly resigned her spirit to God.]