What is the Weather for?Everything in Nature is designed to contribute to the needs or pleasures of Mankind.From the tree of the forest we get the wood from which the nutmeg is made, the wood-alcohol for our Scotch high-ball and the pulp for our newspaper, which, in turn, is transmuted to leather for the soles of our soldiers’ boots.From the sands of the sea we make sugar for sweetening our coffee—that mysteriousbeverage, the secret of whose manufacture has never been revealed.From the cotton plant comes the woolen under-garment and the soldier’s blanket.From the lowly cabbage springs the Havana Perfecto, with its gold and crimson band, and from the simple turnip is distilled the golden champagne, without which so many lives will now be empty.Even the humble straw has its uses—to indicate the trend of the air current and for the stuffing of the life-preserver.What then is the use of the Weather?Supposing you have made a globe and put some people upon it to live. What would you do to make them feel at home?You would give them something to talk about.Just so—the Weather was designed to furnish a universal topic of conversation for Man.Without the Weather, 999,999 out of 1,000,000 conversations would die in their infancy.In the first geography book we learn from Moses how and of what the Weather was made.Since then, nothing has been so much talkedabout as the Weather, and in nothing has so little advance been made.QUESTIONSIs it notoriety that makes the Weather-Vane?Where does the Winter-Resort in Summer? And why?How many litres of champagne can be extracted from the cube-root of one turnip?What did the Weather do to get herself so talked about?CHAPTER XILAND AND WATERSteamship Battling with the Marcel WavesThe terrestrial Globe is pleasingly tinted in blue, pink, yellow and green.The blue portion is called Water and is inhabited by oysters, clams, submarines, lobsters and turtles, besides delightful schools of fishes and whales.The pink, yellow and green portions are called Land and are alive with human beings and other animals and vegetables.The College Yell of a School of WhalesBesides the animals and vegetables there are mountains, table-lands, rivers, forests and lakes.In former times mountains were used as protective barriers. Today they serve as monuments to Public Men for whom they are named (See Presidential Range), and country seats for retired Grocers and Fishmongers.The Presidential RangeShowing comparative height of principal peaks.—Reading from left to right: Mt. Washington—Jefferson—Lincoln—Cleveland—Roosevelt—Wilson.Note:—At the moment this picture was taken a war cloud drifted over the last two peaks.—Until the cloud passes it will be impossible to ascertain their altitudes.Rivers are the most curious and interesting form of Water.Though seldom as shallow, they are as lengthy and involved as Congressional speeches, and have to be curled into the most ludicrous shapes to get them into the countries where they belong.A River BedThe first thing a river does after rising is to betake itself as fast as it can to the nearest River-Bed, in which it remains for the rest of its days.The largest river in the world is the Amazon, named after the single-breasted suffragette of ancient times.QUESTIONSHow many rivers can get into one river-bed?Why is a Congressman?Noah Sighting AraratWhen Noah saw the flood subside,“The world is going dry!” he cried,“So let us all, without delay,Fill up against a drouthy day.”CHAPTER XIITHE DISCOVERY OF THE WORLDNoahIn the first geography we are told of a young married couple who were cast into the world for a pomological error on their part, about 4000 B.C.Some seventeen centuries later, the world was lost sight of in a deluge.It was re-discovered by a navigator named Noah who, though barely six hundred years old, was the commander of a sea-going menagerie.Commander Noah, after cruising about for twelve months and ten days, landed from his zoölogical water-wagon upon a precipitous Asiatic Jag called Ararat on the twenty-seventh of February, 2300 B.C.CHAPTER XIIITHE HABITABLE GLOBEThe term “Habitable Globe” was doubtless invented by some Celestial Humorist who had never visited this planet.People live on it, to be sure, but they have no choice. There is nowhere else to live.The Giddy Globe ...** Isn’t it about time to drop thispersonal simile?The Reader.... Quite so. Suppose we consider the Globe as an Apartment House.We are told it was finished in six days. No wonder it is faultily constructed.The Heating Apparatus is out of date. The apartments nearest to the Radiator are insufferably hot, those farthest away unbearably cold, and those between too changeable for comfort.The Water Supply is unreliable. In someapartments, great numbers perish every year from thirst.In the cellar there is a munition factory where, in defiance of regulations, there are stored High Explosives. These blow up from time to time, causing great damage and loss of life among the tenants.The janitor is a disobliging old person who has been there since the house was started and holds his job, in spite of incessant complaints. When asked to hurry, he fairly crawls and, when people want him most to stay, nothing can stop him.His name is Tempus.CHAPTER XIVTHE TENANTSPost-Impressionist SavageThe first tenants (as before stated) were a young couple who had been compelled to leave a more luxurious apartment because children were not allowed, though animals of all kinds, even snakes, were tolerated.On the whole, the Globe is anything but a model Apartment House. Each family considers itself the only respectable one in the building and they are constantly squabbling for the possession of the most desirable rooms.The tenants of the different stories, originally of one colour, have been tanned according to their proximity to the Solar Stove. They come in five shades of fast colours—Black, Brown, Yellow, Red and White,—the White being farthest away from the Stove.There are also some brighter colours, which are not guaranteed,—varying from the chromatic discord of the post-impressionist Savage to the delicate rose-pink of the Perfect Lady.This last is the most delectable of all—but, alas, it is the one that fades most quickly.Perfect LadyCHAPTER XVRACEAll the Families agree that the tenants of the Globe should be of one uniform shade.Mill-RaceEach Family, however, thinks that his own particular shade is the only fitting one for the Perfect Human Being.To that end he spends a large part of his time in scheming how to get rid of all the other tints.All of which is a great waste of centuries! Old Tempus the Janitor has always settled the Tint question with his Solar Stove and always will.A week at the seashore in August ought to convince anyone of the efficiency of the Solar Tint Factory. In the tan of the surf batheris locked up the secret of Race Colouration.Black-RaceAnd yet there are some Great and Wise Ones who believe that Civilization (with the assistance of Mr. Marconi and Mr. Rolls H. Royce and a few others) will bring the Race Families into such close relationship that they will eventually be all blended into one harmonious Neutral Tint!A pale mauve World! One tint, one religion, one food, one dress, one Drink, one everything.How appalling! And think of the moment when it is to be decided once and forever which it is to be—Blonde or Brunette!Oh those Wise and Great Ones!CHAPTER XVIGOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBEThe best definition of Government may be found in Wordsworth’s lines:“The simple planThat they should take who have the powerAnd they should keep who can.”In every community on Earth, the strongest, the craftiest or the wealthiest of the male inhabitants conspire to compel their weaker, stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay them for the privilege of remaining on earth.Government by the Strongest is called an Absolute Monarchy.Government by the Craftiest, a Limited Monarchy.Government by the Wealthiest, a Republic.In an Absolute Monarchy, the People are Controlled.In a Limited Monarchy, they are Cajoled.In a Republic, they are Sold.For the successful operation of Limited Monarchies and Republics, it is necessary to delude the Common People into the belief that they are managing their own affairs.This is accomplished by means of a House of Lords, Congress, Chamber of Deputies, Diet, Cortes, Assembly, Soviet, Etc.These merry contrivances are designed on the principle of the revolving squirrel-cage, furnishing harmless exercise without progression.QUESTIONSQ. What is a Constitution?A. A concession to Liberty enabling her to talk herself to death.Q. What is the essential difference between one government and another?A. The price of life.CHAPTER XVIITHE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBEAccording to Moses, the First Geographer, Immorality is an heirloom handed down to us by our First Parents.Men of Science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely the psycho-neurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferous organism.In other words, Vice is nothing more than Virtue outside of its natural geographical latitude.This is clearly set forth in the accompanying Moral Map of the World in which the familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we are wont to differentiate as Virtues or Vices are shown for the first time in their proper geographical environment.(See Moral Map of the World.)PART IITHE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTHThe Countries of the Earth may be divided into two Groups, the English speaking countries and the Foreign Countries.The English Speaking Countries which comprise the United States and the British Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface of the Globe.The rest are just Foreign Countries.CHAPTER XVIIITHE POLESThe Earth has three kinds of Poles, the Frigid Poles in the North and South and the very hot Poles in the centre of Europe.This chapter is about the North Pole.The North Pole is the Geographical interrogation point of the Earth.It is probably the only absolutely moral spot in the World.Scientists declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden, thus giving colour to the popular notion that Eden was the original Roof Garden.The only language that has ever been spoken at the North Pole is English.The language that Lieutenant Peary used when he found the footprint of Doctor Cook on the Pole, whatever else it might be, was English, and the language of the nextdiscoverer, when he finds (or does not find) the footprint of Lieutenant Peary, will probably be English too.Whatever use may be ultimately found for the North Pole, up to the present time it has only been used for advertising purposes.The frozen tracts that surround it bear the names of Adventurers, Princes and Editors, and the very topmost tip, out of compliment to a well-known pianist and politician, has been called the Magnetic Pole.The Magnetic PoleSo far as we know, all the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared by the South Pole, but for some reason the South Pole has never been so successful as an advertising medium.A Perfect Day in New YorkA Perfect Day in PhiladelphiaCHAPTER XIXAMERICALet us see America first.On a modern map of the Western Hemisphere America is as easy to see as the Decorations on the breast of a Rear Admiral of a Dry Dock.One wonders how it escaped being discovered so long!But when you look at this map of the Western Hemisphere as it appeared about a thousand years ago, when Lief Ericsen discovered New England, you will understand thatdiscovering America in those days was no child’s play.Nevertheless, Lief, the son of Eric, did not think much of his find.How could a lowbrowed viking be expected to understand Boston, much less what was going to be Boston in a thousand years!Early Map of the Western HemisphereAfter writing his Impressions of America in obscure Runes on a conspicuous rock, Lief pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway.No one could decipher the Runes, but everybody suspected what they meant.And Lief was justly punished for his rudeness, his statue stands (so runs the tale) in the Fenway of Boston to this day.America was not discovered again for nearly five hundred years.Then Christopher Columbus took a hand, but though he made four trips to the New World, Columbus carelessly neglected to write a book or even a magazine article on his Impressions of America.A new path in Navigation, just as in Art or Literature, once shown, is easy to follow, and seven years later an Italian plagiarist named Amerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole continent in his own name.By this time, as the accompanying map will show, the continent of America had gained considerably in bulk and offered an easy markto the horde of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo.And still they come—and though it is too late to secure a copyright on the continent they never fail to copyright their impressions of America.The MayflowerCHAPTER XXBOSTONIn spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously discovered until the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed in Massachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston Terriers, Beans and Ancestors.Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the manufacture of genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees (Human and canine).BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely surrounded by Newtons.BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe.A Perfect Day in BostonThe great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as“The home of the Bean and the CodWhere Lowells speak only to CabotsAnd Cabots speak only to God.”Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous but by a later poet named Ibid, but what does a poet’s name matter except to his creditors?Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks which well repay a visit.Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveller thither are relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian.CHAPTER XXITHE UNITED STATESThe United States is a large body of laughter-loving people completely surrounded by Trusts.It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is food so plentiful, nowhere are the Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious.When the American Hens die they go to join their unhatched children in a cold-storage Heaven where they live forever.So too the Cows, so too the Fish, if there is room for them; if not they are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the market price.To add to the merriment of the People, the Sovereign Farmers and Financiers passed an amendment to the Constitution and Holy Writ (See I. Timothy V. 23.) abolishing Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation.At their bidding, thousands of acres ofdeadly grape vines have been destroyed, and, if these great and good men fulfil their promise, ere long the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the vicious Tobac——** We fail to see what this hasto do with Geography.The Reader.A Pilgrim LandingWell, to return to the United States. The United States is a large dry country bounded on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, onthe south by Mexican Pulque, and on the East and West by Salt Water. The Population consists of one hundred million thirsty souls, some of whom are Americans.The Original StraphangersReligious to a fault, and ambidexterously prodigal, they nevertheless show signs of reverting to the condition of the Arboreal Anthropoids.A race of Straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging from strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirling motion.The Original inhabitants were Red Indians; these were supplanted by Pale Pilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians.The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the Pilgrim Fathers and Pilgrim Mothers, but the Pilgrim Daughters made a note of the fashions for future use.The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating; travellers have even been known to compare the air to champagne but, though highly exhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxicating.Prohibition Chemists after a careful analysis having discovered no perceptible trace of Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided that the use of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted.In large cities the sky is kept clean by means of tall Sky-Scrapers. Nowhere is there amore impressive example of American inventive Genius than the array of Sky-Scrapers seen from New York Harbour, day and night, year in, year out, scraping away the germ-laden dust and refuse and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky.Another object of interest in the harbour is the statue of a once popular favourite.People who remember her, say it is far from a flattering likeness.The Capitol of the United States is Washington—named after a famous Britisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fat German King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne.New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains over Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languages besides English.The inhabitants of America are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.UNCLE SAM’S PHRENOLOGICAL CHART1Thirst23Aquasity2Self-effacement24{3Calculation25{ Prairifulness4Providence26Plainness5Love of the Almighty ($)27Incredulity6Justice28Animosity7Somnolence29Nebraskability8Love of Peaches30Love of Freedom9Pride of Race31Modesty10Nicotianity32Oregonality11Love of Camp-meetings33Furbearance12Fruitfulness34Argentility13Coonfulness35Pique14Colour36Breadth15Levity37Presence of Mine16Illicit Spirituality38Gamefulness17Love of Travel39Conjugality18Size40Cowboyishness19Bashfulness41Sheepishness20Scribosity42Reserve21Armorousness43Reciprocity22Horse SenseCHAPTER XXIICANADA“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—Hamlet.Canada, with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of North America not ruled by the Irish.In former days it was a popular Health Resort for frenzied financiers who wished to retire from private life.It is now a still more popular resort for Americans suffering from thirst.Though next door neighbours and rivals in business and, what is still more trying, near relatives, Canada and the United States are the best of friends.For over a hundred years there has not been so much as a picket-fence or a policeman, much less a patrol or afortification, on the border line between the two countries.Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, “severed home ties”; she is perfectly happy under the parental roof, earns her own living, has a latch key and stays out as late as she pleases and has never been able to understand “why girls leave home.”Though differing in many respects, the United States and Canada have so much in common and are so nearly of the same age and size that, in any musical comedy of Nations, the two might easily pass for a “sister turn.”The inhabitants of Canada are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.CHAPTER XXIIIGREAT BRITAINThe Planet Jupiter(from a photograph)If you look carefully under the upper left hand corner of the map of Europe, you will find a small pink island no bigger than the state of Idaho.But a Country must not be judged by its size.The Planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this Giddy Globe of ours, and has eight private moons of its own, but for all that Jupiter is not a desirable spot for Lovers, being for the most part molten, and somewhat spotty.This little Pink Island is Great Britain, the little mother of one-fourth of all the countries of the Globe, including the United States.From poster by James Montgomery Flagg.The English-Speaking UnionThe English People, or (if onemustbe accurate) the British, are the most to andfro-ward people in the world; like the bear in the fable when they are tired of goingto and frothey reverse the process and gofro and to.With Bibles and BathtubsAnd Ballots and BeerAnd Hope and HygienicsThey girdle the Sphere.In every quarter of the globe they have planted seeds of self-government which today are blossoming into an English-Speaking Union under the British and American Flags that embrace one-fourth of the surface of the earth.The climate of England is temperate. Its air is not, like that of the United States, compared to champagne.London, the capital, is famous for its fogs; this is due to the absence of Sky-Scrapers.London is also the centre of that vicious heritage of the Victorian Era, Respectability.For any enjoyable degree of latitude, the Londoner must go to Paris, Vienna or Buda Pesth and other capitals, which in return taketheir degrees of longitude from London (or Greenwich).This picture shows the famous Rock of Gibraltar, inscribed with the French motto of British respectability (Honi soit qui mal y pense) done into English.The principal products of Great Britain are Beef, Bishops, Banks, and Barometers.The inhabitants of England are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.CHAPTER XXIVSCOTLAND“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—Hamlet.A mountainous, peaty region in the northern part of Great Britain.The Dew distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavoured with the peat of the valleys is highly prized by the natives, not only of Scotland but of all the English speaking countries of this Giddy Globe.The inhabitants are a tall, barb-wiry, music-loving, pious and joke-fearing race, fond of loud plaids and still Lauder songs.Their tall spare frames have given rise to the term Bony (or Bonny) Scotland, supposed by some to be derived from “Bonnet,” the national headgear.The principal products of Scotland are Porridge, Parsons and Pilbrochs.The inhabitants of Scotland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.CHAPTER XXVIRELAND“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—Hamlet.
What is the Weather for?
Everything in Nature is designed to contribute to the needs or pleasures of Mankind.
From the tree of the forest we get the wood from which the nutmeg is made, the wood-alcohol for our Scotch high-ball and the pulp for our newspaper, which, in turn, is transmuted to leather for the soles of our soldiers’ boots.
From the sands of the sea we make sugar for sweetening our coffee—that mysteriousbeverage, the secret of whose manufacture has never been revealed.
From the cotton plant comes the woolen under-garment and the soldier’s blanket.
From the lowly cabbage springs the Havana Perfecto, with its gold and crimson band, and from the simple turnip is distilled the golden champagne, without which so many lives will now be empty.
Even the humble straw has its uses—to indicate the trend of the air current and for the stuffing of the life-preserver.
What then is the use of the Weather?
Supposing you have made a globe and put some people upon it to live. What would you do to make them feel at home?
You would give them something to talk about.
Just so—the Weather was designed to furnish a universal topic of conversation for Man.
Without the Weather, 999,999 out of 1,000,000 conversations would die in their infancy.
In the first geography book we learn from Moses how and of what the Weather was made.
Since then, nothing has been so much talkedabout as the Weather, and in nothing has so little advance been made.
Is it notoriety that makes the Weather-Vane?
Where does the Winter-Resort in Summer? And why?
How many litres of champagne can be extracted from the cube-root of one turnip?
What did the Weather do to get herself so talked about?
LAND AND WATER
Steamship Battling with the Marcel Waves
The terrestrial Globe is pleasingly tinted in blue, pink, yellow and green.
The blue portion is called Water and is inhabited by oysters, clams, submarines, lobsters and turtles, besides delightful schools of fishes and whales.
The pink, yellow and green portions are called Land and are alive with human beings and other animals and vegetables.
The College Yell of a School of Whales
Besides the animals and vegetables there are mountains, table-lands, rivers, forests and lakes.
In former times mountains were used as protective barriers. Today they serve as monuments to Public Men for whom they are named (See Presidential Range), and country seats for retired Grocers and Fishmongers.
The Presidential Range
Showing comparative height of principal peaks.—Reading from left to right: Mt. Washington—Jefferson—Lincoln—Cleveland—Roosevelt—Wilson.
Note:—At the moment this picture was taken a war cloud drifted over the last two peaks.—Until the cloud passes it will be impossible to ascertain their altitudes.
Rivers are the most curious and interesting form of Water.
Though seldom as shallow, they are as lengthy and involved as Congressional speeches, and have to be curled into the most ludicrous shapes to get them into the countries where they belong.
A River Bed
The first thing a river does after rising is to betake itself as fast as it can to the nearest River-Bed, in which it remains for the rest of its days.
The largest river in the world is the Amazon, named after the single-breasted suffragette of ancient times.
How many rivers can get into one river-bed?
Why is a Congressman?
Noah Sighting Ararat
When Noah saw the flood subside,“The world is going dry!” he cried,“So let us all, without delay,Fill up against a drouthy day.”
THE DISCOVERY OF THE WORLD
Noah
In the first geography we are told of a young married couple who were cast into the world for a pomological error on their part, about 4000 B.C.
Some seventeen centuries later, the world was lost sight of in a deluge.
It was re-discovered by a navigator named Noah who, though barely six hundred years old, was the commander of a sea-going menagerie.
Commander Noah, after cruising about for twelve months and ten days, landed from his zoölogical water-wagon upon a precipitous Asiatic Jag called Ararat on the twenty-seventh of February, 2300 B.C.
THE HABITABLE GLOBE
The term “Habitable Globe” was doubtless invented by some Celestial Humorist who had never visited this planet.
People live on it, to be sure, but they have no choice. There is nowhere else to live.
The Giddy Globe ...*
* Isn’t it about time to drop thispersonal simile?The Reader.
... Quite so. Suppose we consider the Globe as an Apartment House.
We are told it was finished in six days. No wonder it is faultily constructed.
The Heating Apparatus is out of date. The apartments nearest to the Radiator are insufferably hot, those farthest away unbearably cold, and those between too changeable for comfort.
The Water Supply is unreliable. In someapartments, great numbers perish every year from thirst.
In the cellar there is a munition factory where, in defiance of regulations, there are stored High Explosives. These blow up from time to time, causing great damage and loss of life among the tenants.
The janitor is a disobliging old person who has been there since the house was started and holds his job, in spite of incessant complaints. When asked to hurry, he fairly crawls and, when people want him most to stay, nothing can stop him.
His name is Tempus.
THE TENANTS
Post-Impressionist Savage
The first tenants (as before stated) were a young couple who had been compelled to leave a more luxurious apartment because children were not allowed, though animals of all kinds, even snakes, were tolerated.
On the whole, the Globe is anything but a model Apartment House. Each family considers itself the only respectable one in the building and they are constantly squabbling for the possession of the most desirable rooms.
The tenants of the different stories, originally of one colour, have been tanned according to their proximity to the Solar Stove. They come in five shades of fast colours—Black, Brown, Yellow, Red and White,—the White being farthest away from the Stove.
There are also some brighter colours, which are not guaranteed,—varying from the chromatic discord of the post-impressionist Savage to the delicate rose-pink of the Perfect Lady.
This last is the most delectable of all—but, alas, it is the one that fades most quickly.
Perfect Lady
RACE
All the Families agree that the tenants of the Globe should be of one uniform shade.
Mill-Race
Each Family, however, thinks that his own particular shade is the only fitting one for the Perfect Human Being.
To that end he spends a large part of his time in scheming how to get rid of all the other tints.
All of which is a great waste of centuries! Old Tempus the Janitor has always settled the Tint question with his Solar Stove and always will.
A week at the seashore in August ought to convince anyone of the efficiency of the Solar Tint Factory. In the tan of the surf batheris locked up the secret of Race Colouration.
Black-Race
And yet there are some Great and Wise Ones who believe that Civilization (with the assistance of Mr. Marconi and Mr. Rolls H. Royce and a few others) will bring the Race Families into such close relationship that they will eventually be all blended into one harmonious Neutral Tint!
A pale mauve World! One tint, one religion, one food, one dress, one Drink, one everything.
How appalling! And think of the moment when it is to be decided once and forever which it is to be—Blonde or Brunette!
Oh those Wise and Great Ones!
GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE
The best definition of Government may be found in Wordsworth’s lines:
“The simple planThat they should take who have the powerAnd they should keep who can.”
In every community on Earth, the strongest, the craftiest or the wealthiest of the male inhabitants conspire to compel their weaker, stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay them for the privilege of remaining on earth.
Government by the Strongest is called an Absolute Monarchy.
Government by the Craftiest, a Limited Monarchy.
Government by the Wealthiest, a Republic.
In an Absolute Monarchy, the People are Controlled.
In a Limited Monarchy, they are Cajoled.
In a Republic, they are Sold.
For the successful operation of Limited Monarchies and Republics, it is necessary to delude the Common People into the belief that they are managing their own affairs.
This is accomplished by means of a House of Lords, Congress, Chamber of Deputies, Diet, Cortes, Assembly, Soviet, Etc.
These merry contrivances are designed on the principle of the revolving squirrel-cage, furnishing harmless exercise without progression.
Q. What is a Constitution?
A. A concession to Liberty enabling her to talk herself to death.
Q. What is the essential difference between one government and another?
A. The price of life.
THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE
According to Moses, the First Geographer, Immorality is an heirloom handed down to us by our First Parents.
Men of Science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely the psycho-neurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferous organism.
In other words, Vice is nothing more than Virtue outside of its natural geographical latitude.
This is clearly set forth in the accompanying Moral Map of the World in which the familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we are wont to differentiate as Virtues or Vices are shown for the first time in their proper geographical environment.
(See Moral Map of the World.)
THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH
The Countries of the Earth may be divided into two Groups, the English speaking countries and the Foreign Countries.
The English Speaking Countries which comprise the United States and the British Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface of the Globe.
The rest are just Foreign Countries.
THE POLES
The Earth has three kinds of Poles, the Frigid Poles in the North and South and the very hot Poles in the centre of Europe.
This chapter is about the North Pole.
The North Pole is the Geographical interrogation point of the Earth.
It is probably the only absolutely moral spot in the World.
Scientists declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden, thus giving colour to the popular notion that Eden was the original Roof Garden.
The only language that has ever been spoken at the North Pole is English.
The language that Lieutenant Peary used when he found the footprint of Doctor Cook on the Pole, whatever else it might be, was English, and the language of the nextdiscoverer, when he finds (or does not find) the footprint of Lieutenant Peary, will probably be English too.
Whatever use may be ultimately found for the North Pole, up to the present time it has only been used for advertising purposes.
The frozen tracts that surround it bear the names of Adventurers, Princes and Editors, and the very topmost tip, out of compliment to a well-known pianist and politician, has been called the Magnetic Pole.
The Magnetic Pole
So far as we know, all the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared by the South Pole, but for some reason the South Pole has never been so successful as an advertising medium.
A Perfect Day in New York
A Perfect Day in Philadelphia
AMERICA
Let us see America first.
On a modern map of the Western Hemisphere America is as easy to see as the Decorations on the breast of a Rear Admiral of a Dry Dock.
One wonders how it escaped being discovered so long!
But when you look at this map of the Western Hemisphere as it appeared about a thousand years ago, when Lief Ericsen discovered New England, you will understand thatdiscovering America in those days was no child’s play.
Nevertheless, Lief, the son of Eric, did not think much of his find.
How could a lowbrowed viking be expected to understand Boston, much less what was going to be Boston in a thousand years!
Early Map of the Western Hemisphere
After writing his Impressions of America in obscure Runes on a conspicuous rock, Lief pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway.
No one could decipher the Runes, but everybody suspected what they meant.
And Lief was justly punished for his rudeness, his statue stands (so runs the tale) in the Fenway of Boston to this day.
America was not discovered again for nearly five hundred years.
Then Christopher Columbus took a hand, but though he made four trips to the New World, Columbus carelessly neglected to write a book or even a magazine article on his Impressions of America.
A new path in Navigation, just as in Art or Literature, once shown, is easy to follow, and seven years later an Italian plagiarist named Amerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole continent in his own name.
By this time, as the accompanying map will show, the continent of America had gained considerably in bulk and offered an easy markto the horde of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo.
And still they come—and though it is too late to secure a copyright on the continent they never fail to copyright their impressions of America.
The Mayflower
BOSTON
In spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously discovered until the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed in Massachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston Terriers, Beans and Ancestors.
Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the manufacture of genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees (Human and canine).
BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely surrounded by Newtons.
BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe.
A Perfect Day in Boston
The great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as
“The home of the Bean and the CodWhere Lowells speak only to CabotsAnd Cabots speak only to God.”
Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous but by a later poet named Ibid, but what does a poet’s name matter except to his creditors?
Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks which well repay a visit.
Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveller thither are relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian.
THE UNITED STATES
The United States is a large body of laughter-loving people completely surrounded by Trusts.
It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is food so plentiful, nowhere are the Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious.
When the American Hens die they go to join their unhatched children in a cold-storage Heaven where they live forever.
So too the Cows, so too the Fish, if there is room for them; if not they are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the market price.
To add to the merriment of the People, the Sovereign Farmers and Financiers passed an amendment to the Constitution and Holy Writ (See I. Timothy V. 23.) abolishing Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation.
At their bidding, thousands of acres ofdeadly grape vines have been destroyed, and, if these great and good men fulfil their promise, ere long the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the vicious Tobac——*
* We fail to see what this hasto do with Geography.The Reader.
A Pilgrim Landing
Well, to return to the United States. The United States is a large dry country bounded on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, onthe south by Mexican Pulque, and on the East and West by Salt Water. The Population consists of one hundred million thirsty souls, some of whom are Americans.
The Original Straphangers
Religious to a fault, and ambidexterously prodigal, they nevertheless show signs of reverting to the condition of the Arboreal Anthropoids.
A race of Straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging from strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirling motion.
The Original inhabitants were Red Indians; these were supplanted by Pale Pilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians.
The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the Pilgrim Fathers and Pilgrim Mothers, but the Pilgrim Daughters made a note of the fashions for future use.
The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating; travellers have even been known to compare the air to champagne but, though highly exhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxicating.
Prohibition Chemists after a careful analysis having discovered no perceptible trace of Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided that the use of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted.
In large cities the sky is kept clean by means of tall Sky-Scrapers. Nowhere is there amore impressive example of American inventive Genius than the array of Sky-Scrapers seen from New York Harbour, day and night, year in, year out, scraping away the germ-laden dust and refuse and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky.
Another object of interest in the harbour is the statue of a once popular favourite.
People who remember her, say it is far from a flattering likeness.
The Capitol of the United States is Washington—named after a famous Britisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fat German King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne.
New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains over Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languages besides English.
The inhabitants of America are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
1Thirst23Aquasity2Self-effacement24{3Calculation25{ Prairifulness4Providence26Plainness5Love of the Almighty ($)27Incredulity6Justice28Animosity7Somnolence29Nebraskability8Love of Peaches30Love of Freedom9Pride of Race31Modesty10Nicotianity32Oregonality11Love of Camp-meetings33Furbearance12Fruitfulness34Argentility13Coonfulness35Pique14Colour36Breadth15Levity37Presence of Mine16Illicit Spirituality38Gamefulness17Love of Travel39Conjugality18Size40Cowboyishness19Bashfulness41Sheepishness20Scribosity42Reserve21Armorousness43Reciprocity22Horse Sense
CANADA
“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—Hamlet.
Canada, with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of North America not ruled by the Irish.
In former days it was a popular Health Resort for frenzied financiers who wished to retire from private life.
It is now a still more popular resort for Americans suffering from thirst.
Though next door neighbours and rivals in business and, what is still more trying, near relatives, Canada and the United States are the best of friends.
For over a hundred years there has not been so much as a picket-fence or a policeman, much less a patrol or afortification, on the border line between the two countries.
Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, “severed home ties”; she is perfectly happy under the parental roof, earns her own living, has a latch key and stays out as late as she pleases and has never been able to understand “why girls leave home.”
Though differing in many respects, the United States and Canada have so much in common and are so nearly of the same age and size that, in any musical comedy of Nations, the two might easily pass for a “sister turn.”
The inhabitants of Canada are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
GREAT BRITAIN
The Planet Jupiter(from a photograph)
If you look carefully under the upper left hand corner of the map of Europe, you will find a small pink island no bigger than the state of Idaho.
But a Country must not be judged by its size.
The Planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this Giddy Globe of ours, and has eight private moons of its own, but for all that Jupiter is not a desirable spot for Lovers, being for the most part molten, and somewhat spotty.
This little Pink Island is Great Britain, the little mother of one-fourth of all the countries of the Globe, including the United States.
From poster by James Montgomery Flagg.The English-Speaking Union
The English People, or (if onemustbe accurate) the British, are the most to andfro-ward people in the world; like the bear in the fable when they are tired of goingto and frothey reverse the process and gofro and to.
With Bibles and BathtubsAnd Ballots and BeerAnd Hope and HygienicsThey girdle the Sphere.
In every quarter of the globe they have planted seeds of self-government which today are blossoming into an English-Speaking Union under the British and American Flags that embrace one-fourth of the surface of the earth.
The climate of England is temperate. Its air is not, like that of the United States, compared to champagne.
London, the capital, is famous for its fogs; this is due to the absence of Sky-Scrapers.
London is also the centre of that vicious heritage of the Victorian Era, Respectability.
For any enjoyable degree of latitude, the Londoner must go to Paris, Vienna or Buda Pesth and other capitals, which in return taketheir degrees of longitude from London (or Greenwich).
This picture shows the famous Rock of Gibraltar, inscribed with the French motto of British respectability (Honi soit qui mal y pense) done into English.
The principal products of Great Britain are Beef, Bishops, Banks, and Barometers.
The inhabitants of England are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
SCOTLAND
“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—Hamlet.
A mountainous, peaty region in the northern part of Great Britain.
The Dew distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavoured with the peat of the valleys is highly prized by the natives, not only of Scotland but of all the English speaking countries of this Giddy Globe.
The inhabitants are a tall, barb-wiry, music-loving, pious and joke-fearing race, fond of loud plaids and still Lauder songs.
Their tall spare frames have given rise to the term Bony (or Bonny) Scotland, supposed by some to be derived from “Bonnet,” the national headgear.
The principal products of Scotland are Porridge, Parsons and Pilbrochs.
The inhabitants of Scotland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
IRELAND
“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—Hamlet.