Cand.Nay, prithee, sweet,—I cannot meet without it,I should have a great fine set on my head.
Vio.Set on your coxcomb; tush, fine me no fines.
Cand.Believe me, sweet, none greets the senate-house,Without his robe of reverence,—that’s his gown.
Vio.Well, then, you’re like to cross that custom once;You get no key, nor gown; and so depart.—This trick will vex him sure, and fret his heart.[Aside and Exit.
Cand.Stay, let me see, I must have some device,—My cloak’s too short: fie, fie, no cloak will do’t;It must be something fashioned like a gown,With my arms out. Oh George, come hither, George:I prithee, lend me thine advice.
Geo.Troth, sir, were’t any but you, they would break open chest.
Cand.O no! break open chest! that’s a thief’s office;Therein you counsel me against my blood:’Twould show impatience that: any meek meansI would be glad to embrace. Mass, I have got it.Go, step up, fetch me down one of the carpets,[183]The saddest-coloured carpet, honest George,Cut thou a hole i’th’ middle for my neck,Two for mine arms. Nay, prithee, look not strange.
Geo.I hope you do not think, sir, as you mean.
Cand.Prithee, about it quickly, the hour chides me:Warily, George, softly, take heed of eyes,[ExitGeorge.Out of two evils he’s accounted wise,That can pick out the least; the fine imposedFor an un-gowned senator, is aboutForty crusadoes,[184]the carpet not ’bove four.Thus have I chosen the lesser evil yet,Preserved my patience, foiled her desperate wit.
Re-enterGeorgewith carpet.
Geo.Here, sir, here’s the carpet.
Cand.O well done, George, we’ll cut it just i’th’ midst.[They cut the carpet.’Tis very well; I thank thee: help it on.
Geo.It must come over your head, sir, like a wench’s petticoat.
Cand.Thou’rt in the right, good George; it must indeed.Fetch me a night-cap: for I’ll gird it close,As if my health were queasy: ’twill show wellFor a rude, careless night-gown, will’t not, think’st?
Geo.Indifferent well, sir, for a night-gown, being girt and pleated.
Cand.Ay, and a night-cap on my head.
Geo.That’s true sir, I’ll run and fetch one, and a staff.[Exit.
Cand.For thus they cannot choose but conster[185]it,One that is out of health, takes no delight,Wears his apparel without appetite,And puts on heedless raiment without form.—
Re-enterGeorge,with nightcap and staff.
So, so, kind George, [Puts on nightcap.]—be secret now: and, prithee, do not laugh at me till I’m out of sight.
Geo.I laugh? not I, sir.
Cand.Now to the senate-house:Methinks, I’d rather wear, without a frown,A patient carpet, than an angry gown.[Exit.
Geo.Now, looks my master just like one of our carpet knights,[186]only he’s somewhat the honester of the two.
Re-enterViola.
Vio.What, is your master gone?
Geo.Yes, forsooth, his back is but new turned.
Vio.And in his cloak? did he not vex and swear?
Geo.No, but he’ll make you swear anon.—[Aside.]No, indeed, he went away like a lamb.
Vio.Key, sink to hell! still patient, patient still?I am with child[187]to vex him: prithee, George,If e’er thou look’st for favour at my hands,Uphold one jest for me.
Geo.Against my master?
Vio.’Tis a mere jest in faith: say, wilt thou do’t?
Geo.Well, what is’t?
Vio.Here, take this key; thou know’st where all things lie.Put on thy master’s best apparel, gown,Chain, cap, ruff, every thing, be like himself;And ’gainst his coming home, walk in the shop;Feign the same carriage, and his patient look,’Twill breed but a jest, thou know’st; speak, wilt thou?
Geo.’Twill wrong my master’s patience.
Vio.Prithee, George.
Geo.Well, if you’ll save me harmless, and put me under covert barn,[188]I am content to please you, provided it may breed no wrong against him.
Vio.No wrong at all: here take the key, be gone:If any vex him, this: if not this, none.[Exeunt.
EnterMistressFingerlockandRoger.
Mis. F.O Roger, Roger, where’s your mistress, where’s your mistress? there’s the finest, neatest gentleman at my house, but newly come over: Oh, where is she, where is she, where is she?
Rog.My mistress is abroad, but not amongst ’em: my mistress is not the whore now that you take her for.
Mis. F.How? is she not a whore? do you go about to take away her good name, Roger? you are a fine pander indeed.
Rog.I tell you, Madonna Fingerlock, I am not sad for nothing, I ha’ not eaten one good meal this three and thirty days: I had wont to get sixteen pence by fetching a pottle of hippocras; but now those days are past. Wehad as good doings, Madonna Fingerlock, she within doors, and I without, as any poor young couple in Milan.
Mis. F.God’s my life, and is she changed now?
Rog.I ha’ lost by her squeamishness, more than would have builded twelve bawdy-houses.
Mis. F.And had she no time to turn honest but now? what a vile woman is this! twenty pound a-night, I’ll be sworn, Roger, in good gold and no silver: why here was a time! if she should ha’ picked out a time, it could not be better: gold enough stirring; choice of men, choice of hair, choice of beards, choice of legs, and choice of every, every, everything: it cannot sink into my head, that she should be such an ass. Roger, I never believe it.
Rog.Here she comes now.
EnterBellafront.
Mis. F.O sweet madonna, on with your loose gown, your felt[189]and your feather, there’s the sweetest, properest,[190]gallantest gentleman at my house; he smells all of musk and ambergris his pocket full of crowns, flame-coloured doublet, red satin hose, carnation silk stockings, and a leg, and a body,— oh!
Bell.Hence thou, our sex’s monster, poisonous bawd,Lust’s factor, and damnation’s orator.Gossip of hell! were all the harlots’ sinsWhich the whole world contains, numbered together,Thine far exceeds them all: of all the creaturesThat ever were created, thou art basest.What serpent would beguile thee of thy office?It is detestable: for thou livestUpon the dregs of harlots, guard’st the door,Whilst couples go to dancing: O coarse devil!Thou art the bastard’s curse, thou brand’st his birth;The lecher’s French disease: for thou dry-suck’st him;The harlot’s poison, and thine own confusion.
Mis. F.Marry come up, with a pox, have you nobody to rail against, but your bawd now?
Bell.And you, knave pander, kinsman to a bawd.
Rog.You and I, madonna, are cousins.
Bell.Of the same blood and making, near allied;Thou, that art slave to sixpence, base metalled villain!
Rog.Sixpence? nay, that’s not so: I never took under two shillings four-pence; I hope I know my fee.
Bell.I know not against which most to inveigh:For both of you are damned so equally.Thou never spar’st for oaths, swear’st any thing,As if thy soul were made of shoe-leather:“God damn me, gentleman, if she be within!”When in the next room she’s found dallying.
Rog.If it be my vocation to swear, every man in his vocation: I hope my betters swear and damn themselves, and why should not I?
Bell.Roger, you cheat kind gentlemen.
Rog.The more gulls they.
Bell.Slave, I cashier thee.
Mis. F.An you do cashier him, he shall be entertained.
Rog.Shall I? then blurt[191]a’ your service.
Bell.As hell would have it, entertained by you!I dare the devil himself to match those two.[Exit.
Mis. F.Marry gup, are you grown so holy, so pure, so honest with a pox?
Rog.Scurvy honest punk! but stay, madonna, how must our agreement be now? for, you know, I am to have all the comings-in at the hall-door, and you at the chamber-door.
Mis. F.True Roger except my vails.
Rog.Vails? what vails?
Mis. F.Why as thus; if a couple come in a coach, and light to lie down a little, then, Roger, that’s my fee, and you may walk abroad; for the coachman himself is their pander.
Rog.Is ’a so? in truth I have almost forgot, for want of exercise. But how if I fetch this citizen’s wife to that gull, and that madonna to that gallant, how then?
Mis. F.Why then, Roger, you are to have sixpence a lane; so many lanes, so many sixpences.
Rog.Is’t so? then I see we two shall agree, and live together.
Mis. F.Ay, Roger, so long as there be any taverns and bawdy-houses in Milan.[Exeunt.
Bellafrontdiscovered sitting with a lute; pen, ink, and paper on a table before her.
Bell.[Sings.]The courtier’s flattering jewels,Temptations only fuels,The lawyer’s ill-got moneys,That suck up poor bees’ honeys:The citizen’s sons riot,The gallant’s costly diet:Silks and velvets, pearls and ambers,Shall not draw me to their chambers.Silks and velvets, &c.[She writes.
Oh, ’tis in vain to write! it will not please;Ink on this paper would ha’ but presentedThe foul black spots that stick upon my soul,And rather made me loathsomer, than wroughtMy love’s impression in Hippolito’s thought:No, I must turn the chaste leaves of my breast,And pick out some sweet means to breed my rest.Hippolito, believe me I will beAs true unto thy heart, as thy heart to thee,And hate all men, their gifts and company!
EnterMatheo,Castruchio,Fluello,andPioratto.
Mat.You, goody punk,subaudicockatrice, oh you’re a sweet whore of your promise, are you not, think you? how well you came to supper to us last night; mew, a whore, and break her word! nay, you may blush, and hold down your head at it well enough. ’Sfoot, ask these gallants if we stayed not till we were as hungry as sergeants.
Flu.Ay, and their yeomen too.
Cas.Nay, faith, acquaintance, let me tell you, you forgat yourself too much: we had excellent cheer, rare vintage, and were drunk after supper.
Pio.And when we were in, our woodcocks,[192]sweet rogue, a brace of gulls, dwelling here in the city, came in, and paid all the shot.
Mat.Pox on her! let her alone.
Bell.Oh, I pray do, if you be gentlemen:I pray, depart the house: beshrew the doorFor being so easily entreated! faith,I lent but little ear unto your talk;My mind was busied otherwise, in troth,And so your words did unregarded pass:Let this suffice,—I am not as I was.
Flu.I am not what I was? no, I’ll be sworn thou art not: for thou wert honest at five, and now thou’rt a punk at fifteen: thou wert yesterday a simple whore, and now thou’rt a cunning, cony-catching baggage to day.
Bell.I’ll say I’m worse; I pray, forsake me then:I do desire you leave me, gentlemen.And leave yourselves: O be not what you are,Spendthrifts of soul and body!Let me persuade you to forsake all harlots,Worse than the deadliest poisons, they are worse:For o’er their souls hangs an eternal curse.In being slaves to slaves, their labours perish;They’re seldom blest with fruit; for ere it blossoms,Many a worm confounds it.They have no issue but foul ugly ones,That run along with them, e’en to their graves:For, ’stead of children, they breed rank diseases,And all you gallants can bestow on them,Is that French infant, which ne’er acts, but speaks:What shallow son and heir, then, foolish gallants,Would waste all his inheritance, to purchaseA filthy, loathed disease? and pawn his bodyTo a dry evil: that usury’s worst of all,When th’ interest will eat out the principal.
Mat.’Sfoot, she gulls ’em the best! this is always her fashion, when she would be rid of any company that she cares not for, to enjoy mine alone.[Aside.
Flu.What’s here? instructions, admonitions, and caveats? Come out, you scabbard of vengeance.
Mat.Fluello, spurn your hounds when they fist, you shall not spurn my punk, I can tell you: my blood is vexed.
Flu.Pox a’ your blood: make it a quarrel.
Mat.You’re a slave! will that serve turn?
Pio.’Sblood, hold, hold!
Cas.Matheo, Fluello, for shame, put up!
Mat.Spurn my sweet varlet?
Bell.O how many thusMoved with a little folly, have let outTheir souls in brothel-houses! fell down and diedJust at their harlot’s foot, as ’twere in pride.
Flu.Matheo, we shall meet.
Mat.Ay, ay; any where, saving at church:Pray take heed we meet not there.
Flu.Adieu, damnation!
Cas.Cockatrice, farewell!
Pio.There’s more deceit in women, than in hell.[ExeuntCastruchio,FluelloandPioratto.
Mat.Ha, ha, thou dost gull ’em so rarely, so naturally! If I did not think thou hadst been in earnest: thou art a sweet rogue for’t i’faith.
Bell.Why are not you gone too, Signor Matheo?I pray depart my house: you may believe me,In troth, I have no part of harlot in me.
Mat.How’s this?
Bell.Indeed, I love you not: but hate you worseThan any man, because you were the firstGave money for my soul: you brake the ice,Which after turned a puddle; I was ledBy your temptation to be miserable:I pray, seek out some other that will fall,Or rather, I pray seek out none at all.
Mat.Is’t possible to be impossible! an honest whore! I have heard many honest wenches turn strumpets with a wet finger,[193]but for a harlot to turn honest is one of Hercules’ labours. It was more easy for him in one night to make fifty queans, than to make one of them honest again in fifty years. Come, I hope thou dost but jest.
Bell.’Tis time to leave off jesting, I had almostJested away salvation: I shall love you,If you will soon forsake me.
Mat.God be with thee!
Bell.O tempt no more women! shun their weighty curse;Women, at best, are bad, make them not worse.You gladly seek our sex’s overthrow:But not to raise our states. For all your wrongs,Will you vouchsafe me but due recompense,To marry with me?
Mat.How! marry with a punk, a cockatrice, a harlot? maarr, faugh, I’ll be burnt through the nose first.
Bell.Why, la, these are your oaths! you love to undo us,To put Heaven from us, whilst our best hours waste;You love to make us lewd, but never chaste.
Mat.I’ll hear no more of this, this ground upon,Thou’rt damned for altering thy religion.[Exit.
Bell.Thy lust and sin speak so much: go thou, my ruin,The first fall my soul took! By my exampleI hope few maidens now will put their headsUnder men’s girdles; who least trusts is most wise:Men’s oaths do cast a mist before our eyes.My best of wit, be ready! Now I go,By some device to greet Hippolito.
Enter aServant.
Ser.So, this is Monday morning, and now must I to my huswifery.—[Sets out a table, on which he places a skull, a picture ofInfelice,a book, and a taper.]—Would I had been created a shoemaker, for all the gentle-craft are gentlemen every Monday by their copy, and scorn then to work one true stitch. My master means sure to turn me into a student, for here’s my book, here my desk, here my light, this my close chamber, and here my punk: so that this dull drowzy first day of the week, makes me half a priest, half a chandler, half a painter, half a sexton, ay, and half a bawd; for all this day my office is to do nothing but keep the door. To prove it, look you, this good face and yonder gentleman, so soon as ever my back is turned, will be naught together.
EnterHippolito.
Hip.Are all the windows shut?
Ser.Close, sir, as the fist of a courtier that hath stood in three reigns.
Hip.Thou art a faithful servant, and observ’stThe calendar, both of my solemn vows,And ceremonious sorrow. Get thee gone;I charge thee on thy life, let not the soundOf any woman’s voice pierce through that door.
Ser.If they do, my lord, I’ll pierce some of them;What will your lordship have to breakfast?
Hip.Sighs.
Ser.What to dinner?
Hip.Tears.
Ser.The one of them, my lord, will fill you too full of wind, the other wet you too much. What to supper?
Hip.That which now thou canst not get me, the constancy of a woman.
Ser.Indeed that’s harder to come by than ever was Ostend.[194]
Hip.Prithee, away.
Ser.I’ll make away myself presently, which few servants will do for their lords; but rather help to make them away: Now to my door-keeping; I hope to pick something out of it.[Aside and exit.
Hip.[Taking upInfelice’spicture.] My Infelice’s face, her brow, her eye,The dimple on her cheek! and such sweet skill,Hath from the cunning workman’s pencil flown,These lips look fresh and lively as her own,Seeming to move and speak. ’Las! now I see,The reason why fond[195]women love to buyAdulterate complexion! Here ’tis read:False colours last after the true be dead.Of all the roses grafted on her cheeks,Of all the graces dancing in her eyes,Of all the music set upon her tongue,Of all that was past woman’s excellence,In her white bosom,—look! a painted boardCircumscribes all: Earth can no bliss afford,Nothing of her but this. This cannot speak,It has no lap for me to rest upon,No lip worth tasting: here the worms will feed,As in her coffin: hence, then, idle art!True love’s best pictured in a true-love’s heart:Here art thou drawn, sweet maid, till this be dead;So that thou liv’st twice, twice art burièd:Thou figure of my friend, lie there. What’s here?[Takes up the skull.Perhaps this shrewd pate was mine enemy’s:’Las! say it were: I need not fear him now!For all his braves, his contumelious breath,His frowns, though dagger-pointed, all his plots,Though ne’er so mischievous, his Italian pills,His quarrels, and that common fence, his law,See, see, they’re all eaten out! here’s not left one:How clean they’re picked away to the bare bone!How mad are mortals, then, to rear great namesOn tops of swelling houses! or to wear outTheir fingers’ ends in dirt, to scrape up gold!Not caring, so that sumpter-horse, the back,Be hung with gaudy trappings, with what coarse—Yea, rags most beggarly, they clothe the soul:Yet, after all, their gayness looks thus foul.What fools are men to build a garish tomb,Only to save the carcase whilst it rots,To maintain’t long in stinking, make good carrion,But leave no good deeds to preserve them sound!For good deeds keep men sweet, long above ground.And must all come to this? fools, wife, all hither?Must all heads thus at last be laid together?Draw me my picture then, thou grave neat workman,After this fashion, not like this; these colours,In time, kissing but air, will be kissed off:But here’s a fellow; that which he lays onTill doomsday alters not complexion:Death’s the best painter then: They that draw shapes,And live by wicked faces, are but God’s apes.They come but near the life, and there they stay;This fellow draws life too: his art is fuller,The pictures which he makes are without colour.
Re-enterServant.
Ser.Here’s a parson[196]would speak with you, sir.
Hip.Hah!
Ser.A parson, sir, would speak with you.
Hip.Vicar?
Ser.Vicar! no sir, has too good a face to be a vicar yet, a youth, a very youth.
Hip.What youth? of man or woman? lock the doors.
Ser.If it be a woman, marrow-bones and potato pies keep me from meddling with her, for the thing has got the breeches! ’tis a male-varlet sure, my lord, for a woman’s tailor ne’er measured him.
Hip.Let him give thee his message and be gone.
Ser.He says he’s Signor Matheo’s man, but I know he lies.
Hip.How dost thou know it?
Ser.’Cause he has ne’er a beard: ’tis his boy, I think, sir, whosoe’er paid for his nursing.
Hip.Send him and keep the door.[ExitServant.[Reads.] “Fata si liceat mihi,Fingere arbitrio meo,Temperem zephyro leviVela.”[197]I’d sail were I to choose, not in the ocean,Cedars are shaken, when shrubs do feel no bruise.
EnterBellafront,dressed as aPage, with a letter.
How? from Matheo?
Bell.Yes, my lord.
Hip.Art sick?
Bell.Not all in health, my lord.
Hip.Keep off.
Bell.I do.—Hard fate when women are compelled to woo.[Aside.
Hip.This paper does speak nothing.
Bell.Yes, my lord,Matter of life it speaks, and therefore writIn hidden character: to me instructionMy master gives, and, ’less you please to stayTill you both meet, I can the text display.
Hip.Do so; read out.
Bell.I am already out:Look on my face, and read the strangest story!
Hip.What, villain, ho?——
Re-enterServant.
Ser.Call you, my lord?
Hip.Thou slave, thou hast let in the devil!
Ser.Lord bless us, where? he’s not cloven, my lord, that I can see: besides the devil goes more like a gentleman than a page; good my lord,Buon coraggio![198]
Hip.Thou hast let in a woman in man’s shape.And thou art damned for’t.
Ser.Not damned I hope for putting in a woman to a lord.
Hip.Fetch me my rapier,—do not; I shall kill thee.Purge this infected chamber of that plague,That runs upon me thus: Slave, thrust her hence.
Ser.Alas, my lord, I shall never be able to thrust her hence without help! Come, mermaid, you must to sea again.
Bell.Hear me but speak, my words shall be all music;Hear me but speak.[Knocking within.
Hip.Another beats the door,T’other she-devil! look.
Ser.Why, then, hell’s broke loose.
Hip.Hence; guard the chamber: let no more come on,[ExitServant.One woman serves for man’s damnation—Beshrew thee, thou dost make me violateThe chastest and most sanctimonious vow,That e’er was entered in the court of Heaven!I was, on meditation’s spotless wings,Upon my journey thither; like a stormThou beat’st my ripened cogitations,Flat to the ground: and like a thief dost stand,To steal devotion from the holy land.
Bell.If woman were thy mother—if thy heart,Be not all marble, or if’t marble be,Let my tears soften it, to pity me—I do beseech thee, do not thus with scornDestroy a woman!
Hip.Woman, I beseech thee,Get thee some other suit, this fits thee not:I would not grant it to a kneeling queen,I cannot love thee, nor I must not: see[Points toInfelice’spicture.The copy of that obligation,Where my soul’s bound in heavy penalties.
Bell.She’s dead, you told me, she’ll let fall her suit.
Hip.My vows to her, fled after her to Heaven:Were thine eyes clear as mine, thou might’st behold her,Watching upon yon battlements of stars,How I observe them. Should I break my bond,This board would rive in twain, these wooden lipsCall me most perjured villain. Let it suffice,I ha’ set thee in the path; is’t not a signI love thee, when with one so most most dear,I’ll have thee fellow? All are fellows there.
Bell.Be greater than a king; save not a body,But from eternal shipwreck keep a soul,If not, and that again, sin’s path I tread,The grief be mine, the guilt fall on thy head!
Hip.Stay, and take physic for it; read this book,Ask counsel of this head, what’s to be done;He’ll strike it dead, that ’tis damnationIf you turn Turk again. Oh, do it not!Though Heaven cannot allure you to do well,From doing ill let hell fright you: and learn this,The soul whose bosom lust did never touch,Is God’s fair bride, and maidens’ souls are such:The soul that leaving chastity’s white shore,Swims in hot sensual streams, is the devil’s whore.—
Re-enterServantwith letter.
How now, who comes?
Ser.No more knaves, my lord, that wear smocks: here’s a letter from Doctor Benedict; I would not enter his man, though he had hairs at his mouth, for fear he should be a woman, for some women have beards; marry, they are half-witches. ’Slid![199]you are a sweet youth to wear a cod-piece, and have no pins to stick upon’t.