Sel.Youhave gotmyhat, though!Blith.I’ve been here with it three or four times. I’m glad to get rid of it! (Selwynsnatches it, and goes up leaving other hat in his hand.)Capt. K.(toBlithers). Sir, I made a formal request of you, this morning.Blith.Stop!That’smy hat! (Taking hat quickly fromCapt. Katskill’shand.)Capt. K.Your’s? Then it wasyouwho gave me the “oner?”Blith.Not that I am aware of, my good young man!Sel.(aside). Last night seems to have been very pugilistic.Capt. K.I was standing outside my club, after giving a farewell supper to some bachelor friends, when my hat was rudely knocked off!Blith.Not byme, sir, I assure you.Dibbs(aside). The mixture as before! They wantmeto help ’em again! (Taking hat thatSelwyngave toBlithers.) This isyourhat, I think, Captain?Capt. K.Yes, how did you get it, you spalpeen?Dibbs.Well, sir, to tell the truth it wasn’t this gent (pointing toBlithers) who boxed you, butthisone! (Pointing toSelwyn.)Sel.(aside). Oh! That damned boy will be the death of me!Dibbs(aside toSelwyn). All right, sir. The milingtary gent’s in love with Miss Grace, so you are safe!Sel.Is he? Then my life may be spared!Capt. K.(threateningly). So, sir, it was you!Sel.Yes! But we will not resume our fistic encounter—remember, I am your future father-in-law! (Aside.) He may as well have Grace now that’s Fred’s got another flame!Capt. K.The Katskills of Kilkennyneverbear malice!—Your hand!Sel.Don’t mention it! (They go up,C.)Dibbs(down,L.). I knew I could get things straight!EnterMrs. SelwynandGrace.Mrs. S.Painful as it is to go into these family matters beforeyou, Mr. Tompkins. (AddressingBlithers.)Blith.I beg your pardon—Blithers!Sel.(coming downC.toMrs. Selwyn). Yes, dear—Blithers—you are mixing things up!Mrs. S.Well, Blithers, if you wish—my husband’s conduct last night with this Miss—I do not know her name——Fred.(BringingLottieforward). Mrs. Bellamy!Mrs. S.(astonished). Mrs. Bellamy!Sel.(toMrs. Selwyn). I told you, dear, you were mixing things up!Mrs. S.(toSelwyn). But, Samuel, you confessed to me you met this lady——Sel.I never saw her in all my life!Fred.Certainly notlastnight, forIwas with her the whole evening!Blith.I can testify to the truth of that!Mrs. S.Are you conspiring to deceive me?Sel.No, my dear. The fact is, I may haveappearedto have been rather in a hobble, but it was all assumed—all put on, my dear. Every bit of it, and ifyoudon’t understand it, I do, and so don’t make yourself ridiculous before visitors—but give your consent to the Captain having our little Gracie!Grace.Oh! dear papa!Capt. K.(toGrace). Me jewel!Mrs. S.I certainlydon’tunderstand it, but I suppose it’s all right?Sel.Perfectly, my dear! It was that stupid Dibbs who was at the bottom of it all to begin with.Dibbs(indignantly). Me! (Down,L.)Sel.(winks). Yes! I thought at first of discharging him, but I have decided to give him another chance, and a rise in his wages. (BringingBlithersandCaptain KatskilldownC., and aside toBlithers.) How didyoubecome possessed of myhead-gear?Blith.Well, as you took mine from Mr. Dobbinson’s hat-stand what was I to do?Sel.(toCaptain Katskill). How did the name of Tompkins get intoyourchimney-pot, Captain?Capt. K.It’s myhatter’sname—not mine!Sel.(toMrs. Selwyn). There, my dear,nowI hope that you are satisfied?Mrs. S.Partly! But there still seem one or two things not quite clear. How was it thatyousaid——Sel.(appealing to all). Now she’s mixing it again!Youexplain, my friends! (GroupC., all speak at once toMrs. Selwyn.)Fred.Lottie.Capt. K.I fell in love with Lottie——We were married on the sly, so——Explain, is it? Listen a while, Madam——Mrs. S.Stop! I understand!Sel.Bella understands, (comingC.) so that’s all right. (Aside.) It’s more than I do. (Aloud.) The question is (to audience) doyouunderstand? Of course you do, you understand everything, especially that all we have done to-night has been to amuse without offending, in the hope of being rewarded with the generous coinage of your approval paid (indicating applause) by note of hand.Curtain.
Sel.Youhave gotmyhat, though!
Blith.I’ve been here with it three or four times. I’m glad to get rid of it! (Selwynsnatches it, and goes up leaving other hat in his hand.)
Capt. K.(toBlithers). Sir, I made a formal request of you, this morning.
Blith.Stop!That’smy hat! (Taking hat quickly fromCapt. Katskill’shand.)
Capt. K.Your’s? Then it wasyouwho gave me the “oner?”
Blith.Not that I am aware of, my good young man!
Sel.(aside). Last night seems to have been very pugilistic.
Capt. K.I was standing outside my club, after giving a farewell supper to some bachelor friends, when my hat was rudely knocked off!
Blith.Not byme, sir, I assure you.
Dibbs(aside). The mixture as before! They wantmeto help ’em again! (Taking hat thatSelwyngave toBlithers.) This isyourhat, I think, Captain?
Capt. K.Yes, how did you get it, you spalpeen?
Dibbs.Well, sir, to tell the truth it wasn’t this gent (pointing toBlithers) who boxed you, butthisone! (Pointing toSelwyn.)
Sel.(aside). Oh! That damned boy will be the death of me!
Dibbs(aside toSelwyn). All right, sir. The milingtary gent’s in love with Miss Grace, so you are safe!
Sel.Is he? Then my life may be spared!
Capt. K.(threateningly). So, sir, it was you!
Sel.Yes! But we will not resume our fistic encounter—remember, I am your future father-in-law! (Aside.) He may as well have Grace now that’s Fred’s got another flame!
Capt. K.The Katskills of Kilkennyneverbear malice!—Your hand!
Sel.Don’t mention it! (They go up,C.)
Dibbs(down,L.). I knew I could get things straight!
EnterMrs. SelwynandGrace.
Mrs. S.Painful as it is to go into these family matters beforeyou, Mr. Tompkins. (AddressingBlithers.)
Blith.I beg your pardon—Blithers!
Sel.(coming downC.toMrs. Selwyn). Yes, dear—Blithers—you are mixing things up!
Mrs. S.Well, Blithers, if you wish—my husband’s conduct last night with this Miss—I do not know her name——
Fred.(BringingLottieforward). Mrs. Bellamy!
Mrs. S.(astonished). Mrs. Bellamy!
Sel.(toMrs. Selwyn). I told you, dear, you were mixing things up!
Mrs. S.(toSelwyn). But, Samuel, you confessed to me you met this lady——
Sel.I never saw her in all my life!
Fred.Certainly notlastnight, forIwas with her the whole evening!
Blith.I can testify to the truth of that!
Mrs. S.Are you conspiring to deceive me?
Sel.No, my dear. The fact is, I may haveappearedto have been rather in a hobble, but it was all assumed—all put on, my dear. Every bit of it, and ifyoudon’t understand it, I do, and so don’t make yourself ridiculous before visitors—but give your consent to the Captain having our little Gracie!
Grace.Oh! dear papa!
Capt. K.(toGrace). Me jewel!
Mrs. S.I certainlydon’tunderstand it, but I suppose it’s all right?
Sel.Perfectly, my dear! It was that stupid Dibbs who was at the bottom of it all to begin with.
Dibbs(indignantly). Me! (Down,L.)
Sel.(winks). Yes! I thought at first of discharging him, but I have decided to give him another chance, and a rise in his wages. (BringingBlithersandCaptain KatskilldownC., and aside toBlithers.) How didyoubecome possessed of myhead-gear?
Blith.Well, as you took mine from Mr. Dobbinson’s hat-stand what was I to do?
Sel.(toCaptain Katskill). How did the name of Tompkins get intoyourchimney-pot, Captain?
Capt. K.It’s myhatter’sname—not mine!
Sel.(toMrs. Selwyn). There, my dear,nowI hope that you are satisfied?
Mrs. S.Partly! But there still seem one or two things not quite clear. How was it thatyousaid——
Sel.(appealing to all). Now she’s mixing it again!Youexplain, my friends! (GroupC., all speak at once toMrs. Selwyn.)
Fred.
Lottie.
Capt. K.
I fell in love with Lottie——
We were married on the sly, so——
Explain, is it? Listen a while, Madam——
Mrs. S.Stop! I understand!
Sel.Bella understands, (comingC.) so that’s all right. (Aside.) It’s more than I do. (Aloud.) The question is (to audience) doyouunderstand? Of course you do, you understand everything, especially that all we have done to-night has been to amuse without offending, in the hope of being rewarded with the generous coinage of your approval paid (indicating applause) by note of hand.
Curtain.