EnterFossilein a footman's cloaths,
Foss.A Special dog; this footman of my wife's! as mercenary as the porter of a first minister! Why should she place him as a centinal at my door? unquestionably, to carry on her intrigues. Why did I bribe him to lend me his livery? to discover those intrigues. And now, O wretched Fossile, thou hast debas'd thyself into the low character of a footman. What then? gods and demi gods have assum'd viler shapes: they, to make a cuckold; I, to prove myself one. Why then should my metamorphosis be more shameful, when my purpose is more honest?
[Knocking at the door, enter footman.]
Foot.Ay, this is her livery. Friend, give this to your mistress.[Gives a letter to Fossile and exit.]
Fossile.[reads] 'Madam, you have jilted me. What I gave you cost me dear; what you might have given me, would have cost you nothing. You shall use my next present with more respect. I presented you a fine snuff-box; you gave it to that coxcomb Underplot, and Underplot gave it to my wife. Judge of my surprise.'Freeman.'
A fine circulation of a snuff-box! in time I shall have the rarest of my shells set off with gold hinges, to make presents to all the fops about town. MyConchæ Veneris; and perhaps, even myNautilus.
A knocking at the door. Enter an old woman.
Old Wom.Can I speak with your good mistress, honest friend?
Fos.No, she's busy.
Old Wom.Madam Wyburn presents her service and has sent this letter.[Exit.
Fossile.[reads] 'Being taken up with waiting upon merchants ladies this morning, I have sent to acquaint you, my dear sweet Mrs. Townley, that the alderman agrees to every thing but putting away his wife, which he says is not decent at that end of the town. He desires a meeting this evening.'
Postscript.
'He does not like the grocer's wife at all.'
Bless me! what a libidinous age we live in! neither his own wife! nor the grocer's wife! Will people like nobody's wife but mine!
[Knocking at the door. Enter footman, gives a letter, and exit.]
Enter another footman gives a letter, and exit.
Foss.[reads] 'Sincerely, madam, I cannot spare that sum; especially in monthly payments. My good friend and neighbour Pinch, a quiet sober man, is content to go a third part, only for leave to visit upon sabbath days.'Habakkuk Plumb.'
'
Well, frugallity is laudable even in iniquity! Now for this other.
Opens the second letter.
Foss.[reads] 'Madam, I can't make you rich, but I can make you immortal.
Verses on Mrs. Susanna Townley, in the front box dress'd in green.
In you the beauties of the spring are seen,Your cheeks are roses, and your dress is green.
A poor dog of a poet! I fear him not.
Enter a ragged fellow with a letter.
Foot.My master is at present under a cloud——He begs you will deliver this letter to your lady.[Exit.
Foss.[reads] 'I am reduced by your favours to ask the thing I formerly deny'd; that you would entertain me as a husband, who can no longer keep you as a mistress.'Charles Bat.'
Why did I part with this fellow? This was a proposal indeed, to make both me and himself happy at once! He shall have her, and a twelve-month's fees into the bargain. Where shall I find him?—Why was the mistress of all mankind unknown to thee alone? Why is nature so dark in our greatest concerns? Why are there no external symptoms of defloration, nor any pathognomick of the loss of virginity but a big belly? Why has not lewdness its tokens like theplague? Why must a man know rain by the aking of his corns, and have no prognostick of what is of infinitely greater moment, cuckoldom? Or if there are any marks of chastity, why is the enquiry allowed only to Turks and Jews, and denyed to Christians? O Townley, Townley! once to me the fragrant rose; now aloes, wormwood and snake-root! but I must not be seen.
As Townley and Sarsnet enter, Fossile sneaks off.
Town.Sarsnet, we are betray'd. I have discovered my husband posted at the door in Hugh's livery, he has intercepted all my letters. I immediately writ this, which is the only thing that can bring us off. Run this moment to Plotwell, get him to copy it, and send it directed to me by his own servant with the utmost expedition. He is now at the chocolate-house in the next street.
Sars.I fly, madam; but how will you disengage yourself from the affair with Underplot?
Town.Leave it to me. Though he wants sense, he's handsome, and I like the fellow; and if he is lucky enough to come in my husband's absence.——But prithee Sarsenet make haste.
[Exit Townley and Sarsenet, upon which Fossile re-enters, to him Underplot.]
Underp.Harke'e, friend. I never talk with one of your coat, but I first tip him.
Foss.Behold the lucre of a pimp! Between the pox abroad, and my plague at home, I find a man may never want fees. [aside.] Your honour's commands, I pray. I long to serve you.
Underp.Ah, boy! thou hast a rare mistress for vails. Come I know thou art a sly dog; can'st thou introduce me to her for a moment's conversation?
Foss.Impossible.
Underp.What, still impossible?[Gives more money.
Foss.Still impossible.
Underp.Poh, pox. But prithee, friend, by the by, is there any thing in this report that she is marry'd to the doctor here?
Foss.I am afraid there is something in it.
Underp.What a spirit does a jealous husband give to an intrigue! Pray, is he not a most egregious silly animal?
Foss.Not exceeding wise indeed,
Underp,Rich?
Foss.He has money.
Underp.That will save the expence of her gallants. Old?
Foss.Ay, too old, heaven knows.
Underp.How came it into the puppy's head to marry?
Foss.By the instigation of Satan.
Underp.I'll help the old fool to an heir.
Foss.No doubt on't. If the whole town can do it, he will not want one.[Aside.
Underp.Come, prithee deal freely with me, Has Plotwell been here since the wedding?
Foss.He has! too sure: [aside.] He's a dangerous rival to you; if you have a mind to succeed, keep a strict watch upon him, that he may not get admittance before you.
Underp.Well since thou hast shown thyself so much my friend, I'll let thee into a secret. Plotwell and I no sooner heard of the wedding, but we made a bett of a hundred guineas, who should dub the doctor first. Remember you go twenty pieces with me.
Foss.But here is some body coming. Away you are sure of my interest.[Exit Underplot.
Foss.This was well judg'd. I have a small territory coveted by two rival potentates. It is profound policy to make them watch one the other, and so keep the ballance of power in my own hands. Certainly nothing so improves one's politicks, as to have a coquet to on'es wife,
Enter a footman with a letter,
Foot.This is for your lady, Deliver it safe into her own hands.[Exit Footman.
Fos.[reads.] 'Know, cruel woman, I have discovered the secret of your marriage; you shall have all the plague of a jealous husband, without the pleasure of giving him cause. I have this morning counterfeited billetdoux and letters from bawds; nay, I have sent pimps; some of which, I hope, are fallen into your old coxcomb's hands. If you deny me the pleasure of tipping him a real cuckold, at least, I'll have the resentment to make him an imaginary one. Know that this is not the hundredth part of the revenge that shall be executed upon thee, byR. P.'
Town.[peeping.] So. The letter works as I would have it.[Aside.
Foss.How true is that saying of the philosopher! 'We only know, that we know nothing.' The eruption of those horns which seem'd to make so strong a push is now suppress'd. Is the mystery of all these letters nothing but the revenge of a disappointed lover? The hand and seal are just the same with the Welchman's that I intercepted a while ago. Truly, these Welch are a hot revengeful people. My wife may be virtuous; she may not. Prevention is the safest method with diseases and intrigues. Women are wanton, husbands weak, bawds busy, opportunities dangerous, gallants eager; therefore it behoves honest men to be watchful. But here comes my Wife, I must hide myself; for should I be detected, she might have a just cause of complaint for my impertinent curiosity.Exit Fossi.
EnterTownley; and to herSarsnetat the other door.
Sars.Your orders, madam, have been executed to a tittle, and I hope with success.
Town.Extremely well. Just as we could have wish'd. But I can't forgive that rascal Hugh. To turn him away would be dangerous. We will rather take the advantage of the confidence my husband has in him. Leave the husband to me, and do you discipline the footman. Such early curiosity must be crush'd in the bud. Hugh, Hugh, Hugh. [calls aloud, and rings.] What is become of the rogue?[Townley runs in, and drags out Fossile changing his cloaths with Hugh.Why sirrah! must one call all day for you?[cuffs him.
Sars.This is not Hugh, madam;a rouge in disguise, got in to rob the house! thieves, thieves!
EnterClinket,Pruewith the writing-desk, and servants
Foss.St. St—no noise. Prithee, dearee, look upon me. See, see, thy own dear husband. It is I.
Town.What an unfortunate woman am I! Could not you pass one day without an intrigue? and with a cookwench too! for you could put on a livery for no other end. You wicked man.
Sars.His coldness, madam, is now no longer a mystery. Filthy monster! wer't not thou provided with my mistress as a remedy for thy rampant unchastity?
Town.Was all your indeffierence to me for this! you brute you.[weeps.
Foss.Nay, prithee, dearee, judge not rashly. My character is establish'd in the world. There lives not a more sober, chaste, and virtuous person than doctor Fossile.
Town.Then why this disguise?
Foss,Since it must come out; ha, ha, ha, only a frolick on my wedding day between Hugh and I. We had a mind to exhibit a little mummery.
Clink.What joy arises in my soul to see my uncle in a dramatick character! Since your humour lead you to the drama, uncle, why would you not consult a relative muse in your own family? I have always used you as my physician; and why should not you use me as your poet?
Foss,Prithee, dear, leave me a moment. This is a scandal to my gravity. I'll be with you, as my self, immediately.
[Exeunt omnes, except Fossile and Hugh. As they are changing habits, Fossile says,
As a mark of my confidence in thee, I leave thee guardian of my house while I go my rounds. Let none in but patients; wan sickly fellows, no person in the least degree of bodily strength.
Hugh.Worthy doctor, you may rely upon my honour.Exit Fos.I have betray'd my mistress. My conscience flies in my face, and I can ease it noway but by betraying my master.Knocking at the door.
This is not the doctor; but he is dress'd like him, and that shall be my excuse.[He lets Plotwell in, Townley meets him, they embrace.
Town.Hugh, go, wait at the door.[Exit Hugh.
Plotw.This disguise gives spirit to my intrigue. Certainly I am the first person that ever enjoy'd a bride without the scandal of matrimony.
Town.I have a different relish, Mr. Plotwell, for now I can't abide you, you are so like my husband.
Plotw.Underplot, I defy thee. I have laid the wager, and now I hold the stakes.
Town.Opportunity Mr. Potwell, has been the downfall of much virtue.[As he is leading her off, enter Hugh.
Hugh.Ah, madam! the doctor! the doctor!Exit Hugh.
Plot.Fear nothing. I'll stand it. I have my part ready.[Exit Townley.
EnterFossile.
Foss.I promised ladyLangfortmy eagle-stone. The poor lady is like to miscarry, and 'tis well I thought on't. Ha! who is here! I do not like the aspect of the fellow. But I will not be over censorious.
[They make many bows and cringes in advancing to each other.
Plot.Illustrissime domine, huc adveni—
Foss.Illustrissime domine——non usus, sum loquere Latinum——If you cannot speak English, we can have no lingual conversation.
Plot.I can speak but a little Englise. Me ave great deal heard of de fame of de great luminary of all arts and sciences, de illustrious doctor Fossile. I would make commutation (what do you call it) I would exchange some of my tings for some of his tings.
Foss.Pray, Sir, what university are you of?
Plot.De famous university of Cracow in Polonia minor. I have cured de king of Sweden of de wound. My name be doctor Cornelius Lubomirski.
Foss.Your Lubomirskis are a great family. But what Arcana are you master of, Sir?
Plot.[Shows a large snuff-box.] See dere, Sir, dat box de snuff.
Foss.Snuff-box.
Plot.Right. Snuff-box. Dat be de very true gold.
Foss.What of that?
Plot.Vat of dat? me make dat gold my own self, of de lead of de great church of Crawcow.
Foss.By what operations?
Plot.By calcination; reverberation; purification; sublimation; amalgamation; precipitation; volitilization.
Foss.Have a care what you assert. The volitilization of gold is not an obvious process. It is by great elegance of speech called,fortitudo fortitudinis fortissima.
Plot.I need not acquaint de illustrious doctor Fossile, dat all de metals be but unripe gold.
Foss.Spoken like a philosopher, And therefore there should be an act of parliament against digging of lead mines, as against felling young timber. But inform me, Sir, what might be your menstruum, snow-water, or May-dew?
Plot.Snow-vater.
Foss.Right. Snow is the universal pickle of nature for the preservation of her productions in the hyemal season.
Plot.If you will go your self, and not trust de servant, to fetch some of de right Thames sand dat be below de bridge, I will show you de naked Diana in your study before I go hence.
Foss.Perhaps you might. I am not at present dispos'd for experiments.
Plot.This bite wont take to send him out of the way, I'll change my subject. [Aside.] Do you deal in longitudes, Sir?
Foss.I deal not in impossibilities. I search only for the grand elixir.
Plot.Vat do you tink of de new metode of fluxion?
Foss.I know no other butmy mercury.
Plot.Ha, ha. Me mean de fluxion of de quantity.
Foss.The greatest quantity I ever knew, was three quarts a day.
Plot.Be dere any secret in the hydrology, zoology, minerology, hydraulicks, acausticks, pneumaticks, logarithmatechny, dat you do want de explanation of?
Foss.This is all out of my way. Do you know of any hermaphrodites, monstrous twins, antediluvivian shells, bones, and vegetables?
Plot.Vat tink you of an antediluvian knife, spoon, and fork, with the mark of Tubal Cain in Hebrew, dug out of the mine of Babylon?
Foss.Of what dimensions, I pray, Sir?
Plot.De spoon be bigger dan de modern ladle; de fork, like de great fire-fork; and de knife, like de cleaver.
Foss.Bless me! this shows the stature and magnitude of those antidiluvians!
Plot.To make you convinced that I tell not de lie, dey are in de Turkey ship at Vapping, just going to be disposed of. Me would go there vid you, but de businss vil not let me.
Foss.An extraordinary man this! I'll examine him further. [Aside.] How could your country lose so great a man as you?
Plot.Dat be de secret. But because me vil have de fair correspondence with de illustrious doctor Fossile, me vil not deny dat Orpheus and me had near run de same fate for different reason. I was hunted out of my country by de general insurrection of de women.
Foss.How so pray?
Plot.Because me have prepare a certain liquor which discover whether a woman be a virgin or no.
Foss.A curious discovery! have you any of it still?
Plot.Dere it is, Sir. It be commonly called deLapis Lydius Virginitatis, or touch-stone of virginity.[gives him a vial.
Foss.It has the smell of your common hart's-horn. But all your volatile spirits have a near resemblance.
Plot.Right, Sir. De distillation be made from theHippomanesof a young mare. When a deflower'd virgin take ten drops, she will faint and sneeze, and de large red spot appear on the cheek; which we callde spot of infamy. All de young bridegroom make de experiment. De archbishop did make obligation to de nun to take it every ninth month. And I fly for the hurlyburly it make.
EnterHugh.
Hugh.Sir here is a patient in a chair.
Foss.Doctor Lubomirski, let me conduct you into my study, where we will farther discuss the wonderful virtues of this liquor. Tell the patient I will attend him this instant.[Exeunt Plotwell and Fossile.
EnterUnderplotin a chair like a sick man.
Hugh.The doctor will wait upon you immediately.[Exit Hugh.
Underp.I dogg'd Plotwell to this door in a doctor's habit. If he has admittance as a doctor, why not I as a patient? Now for a lucky decision of our wager! If I can't succeed myself, I will at least spoil his intrigue.
EnterFossile.
Underp.Ah! ah! have you no place? Ah! where can I repose a little? I was taken suddenly. Ah! ah! 'tis happy I was so near the house of an eminent physician.
Foss.Rest yourself upon that couch.
Underp.If I lay a few minutes cover'd up warm in a bed, I believe I might recover.[Fossile feels his pulse. Plotwell peeps.
Plot.Underplot in disguise! I'll be his doctor, and cure him of these frolicks.[aside.
Foss.What are your symptoms, Sir? a very tempestuous pulse, I profess!
Underp.Violent head-ach, ah! ah!
Foss.All this proceeds from the fumes of the kitchen, the stomachic digester wants reparation for the better concoction of your aliment: But, Sir, is your pain pungitive, tensive, gravitive, or pulsatory?
Plot.All together, ah!
Foss.Impossible Sir; but I have an eminent physician now in the house, he shall consult. Doctor Lubomirski, here is a person in a most violent cephalalgy, a terrible case!
EnterPlotwell.
Foss.Feel his pulse. [Plotwell feels it.] You feel it, Sir, strong, hard and labouring.
Plot.Great plenitude, Sir.
Foss.Feel his belly, Sir; a great tension and heat of the abdomen—A hearty man, his muscles are torose; how soon are the strongest humbled by diseases! let us retire, and consult.
EnterSarsnetin haste.
Sars.My mistress approves your design, bear it out bravely, perhaps I shall have a sudden opportunity of conveying you into her bed-chamber, counterfeit a fainting fit and rely upon me.[Exit.
Underp.As yet I find I am undiscover'd by Plotwell; neither is his intrigue in such forwardness as mine, though he made a fair push for it before me.[aside.[Fossile and Plotwell come forward.
Foss.I am entirely for a glister.
Plot.My opinion is for de strong vomit.
Foss.Bleed him.
Plot.Make de searrification, give me de lancet, me will do it myself, and after dat will put de blister to de sole of de feet,
Foss.Your dolor proceeds from a frigidintemperiesof the brain, a strong disease! the enemy has invaded the very citadel of your microcosm, the magazine of your vital functions; he has set down before it; yet there seems to be a good garrison of vital spirits, and we don't question to be able to defend it.
Plot.Ve will cannonade de enemy with pills, bombard him wid de bolus, blow him up with volatiles, fill up the trenches wid de large innundation of apozems, and dislodge him wid de stink pot; let de apotecary bring up de artillery of medicine immediately.
Foss.True, we might unload the stomach by gentle emeticks, and the intestines by clysters stimulative, carminative, and emollient, with strong hydroticks, quiet the spasms of the viscera by paregoricks, draw off the stagnant blood by deep scarrifications, and depurate its fæculencies by volatiles; after this, let there be numerous blisters and potential cauteries—I consult my patient's ease; I am against much physick—He faints, he is apoplectic, bleed him this moment.
Plot.Hoy de servant dere, make hast, bring de pan of hot coals; or de red hot iron to make application to de temples.
EnterHugh.
Hugh.Here's the poker red hot from the fire.
Plot.Very well make de burn dere, exactly dere.[putting the poker near his head.
Underp.Hold, hold, am I to be murder'd? [starts up.] I know you, Plotwell, and was I not oblig'd by honour and friendship, I'd expose you to the doctor.[aside to Plotwell.
Plot.Very lunatick, mad, fetch me de cord to make de tie upon de leg and de arm, take off thirty ounces of blood, and den plunge him into de cold bath.
Foss.Your judgment, doctor Lubomirski, is excellent, I will call my servants to assist us.
Underp.Hearke'e, old put; I came to take your advice, and not that French son of a whore's scarrifications; and so plague take you both.[Exit Underplot and Hugh.
Enter Dr.Fossile, andPlotwell.
Foss.Doctor Lubomirski, this vial that you have intrusted into my custody, shall be with acknowledgment return'd after a few experiments; I must crave your indulgence; diseases, you know, Sir, are impertinent, and will tie themselves to no hours, poor lady Hyppokekoana!
Plot.Ah Sir! I beg your pardon, if you make visit to de patient, me will divert myself in your study till you make return.
Foss.That cannot be, I have a lady just coming to consult me in a case of secrecy.
Plot.Have you not de wife? me will make conversation wid de ladies till you come.
Foss.They see no company in the morning, they are all indeshabilleé; most learned doctor Lubomirski, your humble servant.
Plot.Most illustrious doctor Fossile, me be, with de profoundest adoration
Foss.With the greatest admiration
Plot.Your most humble
Foss.Most obedient servant.
Plot.Ah, Monsieur, point de ceremonie.[Exit Plotwell.
EnterHugh.
Foss.Hugh, bring me a pint of sack; let your mistress know I want to see her. Take care that herorders be obey'd, and that her trunks and boxes be immediately brought hither. Sarset will give you directions.[Exit Hugh. Fossile sits down on a couch.
Ah Fossile! if the cares of two hours of a married life have so reduc'd thee, how long can'st thou hold out! to watch a wife all day, and have her wake thee all night! 'twill never do. Thefitigueof three fevers, six small poxes, and five great ones, is nothing to that of one wife. Now for my touch-stone; I will try it upon her presently. If she bear it to day—I am afraid she will bear it to morrow too.
Enter Hugh with a bottle of sack, and after him Townley. Hugh gives the bottle and glass to Fossile and exit.
Sit down by me, my dear, I was going to refresh myself with a glass of canary. You look pale. It will do you good.
Town.Faugh. Wine in the morning!
[Fossile drinks and fills again, and drops some of the liquor into the glass.]
What is the meaning of this? am I to be poison'd.[aside.
Foss.You must drink it. Sack is sacred to Hymen; of it is made the nuptial posset.
Town.Don't press me, Mr. Fossile, I nauseate it. It smells strangely. There is something in it.
Foss.An ill symptom! she can't bear the smell. [aside.] Pray, my dear, oblige me.
Town.I'm for none of your flops. I'll fill myself.
Foss.I must own, I have put some restorative drops in it, which are excellent. I may drink it safely. [aside.] [drinks.] The next glass I prepare for you.[Fills, andpowers some drops in.
[Townley drinks. Fossile runs behind to support her; then pores upon her cheek, and touches it with his finger.
Town.Your insolence is insupportable. 'Twas but this moment you suspected my virtue; and now my complexion. Put on your spectacles. No red was ever laid upon these cheeks. I'll fly thee, and die a maid, rather than live under the same roof with jealousy and caprice.
Foss.O thou spotless innocence! I cannot refrain tears of joy. Forgive me, and I'll tell thee all. These drops have been a secret in our family for many years. They are call'd the touch-stone of virginity. The males administer it to the brides on their wedding-day; and by its virtue have ascertain'd the honour of the Fossiles from generation to generation. There are family customs, which it is almost impious to neglect.
Town.Had you married a person of doubtful reputation——But me, Mr. Fossile!
Foss.I did not indeed suspect thee. But my mother obliged me to this experiment with her dying words—My wife is chaste: And to preserve her so, 'tis necessary that I have none but chaste servants about her. I'll make the experiment on all my female domesticks. [aside.] I will now, my dear, in thy presence, put all my family to the trial. Here! bid my niece, and all the maid-servants come before me.[Calling out.
Enter Clinket, Prue, and Servants.
Give ear, all ye virgins: We make proclamation in the name of the chaste Diana, being resolv'd to make a solemn essay of the virtue, virginity, and chastity of all within our walls. We therefore advise, warn and precaution all spinsters, who know themselves blemish'd, not on any pretence whatsoeverto taste these our drops, which will manifest their shame to the world by visible tokens.
Clink.I abominate all kind of drops. They interrupt the series of ideas. Buthave the any powerover the virgin's dreams, thoughts, and private meditations?
Foss.No. They do not affect themotus Primo-primi, or intentions; only actualities, niece.
Clink.Then give it me. I can drink as freely of it as of the waters of Helicon. My love was always Platonick.[drinks.
Foss.Yet I have known a Platonick lady lodge at a mid wife's.
[Fossile offers it round.]
1stWom.I never take physick.
Foss.That's one. Stand there. My niece professes herself a Platonick. You are rather a Cartesian.
Clink.Ah dear uncle! how do the Platonicks and Cartesians differ.
Foss.The Platonicks are for idea's, the Cartesians for matter and motion.
Town.Mr. Fossile, you are too severe.
2dWom.I am not a-dry.[curtsies.
Foss.There's two. Stand there.
Prue.My mistress can answer for me. She has taken it.
Foss.She has. But however stand there, among the Cartesians.
3dWom.My innocence would protect me, though I trod over red-hot iron. Give me a brimmer.
[She takes a mouthful and spits it out again.]
Foss.'Twas a presumptuous thing to gargle with it: but however, madam, if you please——walk among the Cartesians.[Two young wenches run away.
Clink.Prue, follow me. I have just found a rhime for my Pindarick.[They all sneak off.
Fos.All gone! what no more ladies here? no more ladies! [looking to the audience,] O that I had but a boarding-school, or a middle gallery!
Enter Sarsnet, follow'd by two porters bearing a chest.
Set down the things here: there is no occasion for carrying them up stairs, since they are to be sent into the country to morrow.[Exit porters.
What have I done? My marriage, these confounded whimsies, and doctor Lubomirski, have made me quite forget poor lady Hippokekoana. She was in convulsions, and I am afraid dead by this time.[Exit Fossile.
Sars.I have brought you a present, madam, make good use of it. So I leave you together.[Exit Sarsnet.
[Townley opens the chest: Plotwell, who was cover'd with a gown and petticoat, gets out.]
Town.Never was any thing so lucky. The doctor is just this minute gone to a patient.
Plot.I tempt dangers enough in your service. I am almost crippled in this chest-adventure. Oh my knees! Prithee, my dear, lead me to a bed where I may strech myself out.[Leading her off.
EnterSarsnet.
Sars.Oh madam! yonder is the doctor in deep discourse with Underplot: I fear he has dogg'd me, and betray'd us. The are both coming back together.[Exit Sarsnet.
Plot.I'll shrink snug into my shell again.
Town.That he may directly pop upon you. The trunk will be the first place he will examine, have you no presence of mind? You sit for an intrigue!
Plot.What shall I do?
Town.Fear not, you shall beinvisible i th is veryspot.
Plot.What do you mean? he's just at the door. You intend to discover me.
Town.Mistrust me not: You shall walk out before his face at that very door, though he bring in a hundred spies, and not one of them shall perceive you.
Plot.Don't trifle. Are you mad? [knocking at the door.] Nay, now 'tis too late.
Town.Arm thyself with flounces, and fortify thyself with whalebone;enter beneath the cupulo of this petticoat.
Plot.The best security in the world! an old fellow has seldom any thing to do beneath that circumferance.
Town.No more but under it immediately.[Plotwell goes under it.
Thus Venus, when approaching foes assail,Shields her Æneas with a silken veil.
EnterFossile.
Town.O my dear you come opportunely. How do you like my fancy in this new petticoat? there is something in it so odd!
Fos.You have another in your chest much odder. I want to see that.
Town.How jaunty the flounces!
Fos.Ay, 'tis plain she would lure me from the chest; there I shall find him.[aside.
Town.The lace! the fringe!
Fos.All this is nothing to the embroider'd sattin. Prithee, my dear, give me the key.
Town.Sure never was any thing so prettily disposed. Observe but the air of it: Sodegagee! But the lining is so charming.
[She walks to the door, and Fossile to the trunk. Plotwell kisses her out of the top of the petticoat, and then goes off.]
[As Fossile is cautiously opening the trunk with his sword drawn, Townley comes up to him.]
What, more of your frolicks, Mr. Fossile. What time of the moon is this?
Fos.This Underplot is a confounded villain, he would make me jealous of an honest civil gentleman, only for an opportunity to cuckold me himself. [aside.] Come, my dear, forget all that is past. I know——I have proved thee virtuous.But prithee, love, leave me a moment; I expect some Egyptian rarities.[Exeunt severally.
EnterFossilewith a vial in his hand.
Fos.This is all we have for the flying dragon so celebrated by antiquity. A cheap purchase! It cost me but fifteen guineas. But the Jew made it up in the butterfly and the spider.
Enter two porters bearing a Mummy.
Oh! here's my mummy. Set him down. I am in haste. Tell captain Bantam, I'll talk with him at the coffee-house.[Exit porters.
Enter two porters bearing an Alligator.
A most stupendous animal! set him down.[Exit porters.
Poor lady Hippokekoana's convulsions! I believe there is fatality in it, that I can never get to her. Who can I trust my house to in my absence? Were my wife as chaste as Lucretia, who knows what an unlucky minute may bring forth! In cuckoldom, the art of attack is prodigiously improved beyond the art of defence. So far it is manifest, Underplot has a design upon my honour. For the ease of my mind, I will lock up my wife in this my musæum, 'till my return.
EnterTownley, andSarsnet.
You will find something here, my dear, to divert yourself.
Town.I hate the sight of these strange creatures; but since I am Mr. Fossiles wife, I shall endeavour to conquer my aversion.
Foss.Thou may'st safely be here to day, my dear; to-morrow thou shouldst no more enter this room than a pest-house. 'Tis dangerous for women that are impregnated. But poor lady Hippokekoana suffers all this while.[Exit Fossile with a key in his hand.
Town.Since he has lock'd me in, to be even with him, I'll bolt him out.[Plotwell dress'd like a Mummy, comes forward.
Plot.Thus trav'ling far from his Egyptian tomb,Thy Anthony salutes his Cleopatra.
Town.Thus Cleopatra, in desiring arms,Receives her Anthony——But prithee dear pickled Hieroglyphic, who so suddenly could assist thee with this shape.
Plot.The play-house can dress mummies, bears, lions, crocodiles, and all the monsters of Lybia. My arms madam are ready to break their past-board prison to embrace you.
Town.Not so hasty. Stay till the jealous fool is out of sight.
Plot.Our ill stars, and the devil, have brought him back so often
Town.He can never parry this blow, nor grow jealous of his mummy. A mummy is his intimate friend.
Plot.And a man cannot easily be cuckolded by any body else.
Town.Here may'st thou remain the ornament of his study, and the support of his old age. Thoushalt divert his company and be a father to his children. I will bring thee legs of pullets, remnants of tarts, and fragments ofdesarts. Thou shalt be fed like Bell and the Dragon.
Plot.But madam; before you entertain me as your mummy in ordinary, you ought to be acquainted with my abilities to discharge that office. Let me slip off this habit of death, you shall find I have some symptoms of life.——Thus Jove within the milk-white swan compress'd his Leda.
[Underplot in the Alligator crawls forward, then rises up and embraces her.]
Underp.Thus Jove within the serpents scaly folds,Twin'd round theMacedonian queen,
Town.Ah![shrieks.
Plot.Fear not, madam. This is my evil genius Underplot that still haunts me. How the devil got you here?
Underp.Why should not the play-house lend me a crocodile as well as you a mummy?
Town.How unlucky is this! [Aside.] Nay, I don't know but I may have twenty lovers in this collection. You snakes, sharks, monkeys, andmantygers, speak, and put in your claim before it is too late.
Underp.Mr. Mummy, your humble servant; the lady is pre-engag'd.
Plot.Pray, Mr. Crocodile, let the lady make her own choice.
Underp.Crocodile as I am, I must be treated with common humanity. You can't, madam, disown the message you sent me.
Town.Well! ye pair of Egyptian lovers, agree this matter between you, and I will acquit myself like a person of honour to you both.
Plot.Madam! If I don't love you above all your sex, may I be banish'd the studies of virtuoso's; and smoak'd like dutch beef in a chimney——
Underp.If I don't love you more than that stale mummy, may I never more be proclaim'd at a show of monsters, by the sound of a glass-trumpet.
Plot.May I be sent to 'Pothecary's-hall, and beat up into venice treacle for the fleet and the army, if this heart——
Underp.May I be stuff'd with straw, and given to a mountebank, if this soul——
Plot.Madam I am a human creature. Taste my balsamick kiss.
Underp.A lover in swadling-clouts! What is his kiss, to my embrace?
Plot.Look upon me, madam. See how I am embroider'd with hieroglyphicks.
Underp.Consider my beautiful row of teeth.
Plot.My balmy breath.
Underp.The strong joints of my back.
Plot.My erect stature.
Underp.My long tail.
Town.Such a contest of beauty! How shall I decide it?
Plot.Take me out of my shell, madam, and I'll make you a present of the kernel.
Underp.Then I must be upon a level with him, and be uncrocodil'd.
Town.Keep both of you your shapes, and we are in no fear of a surprize from the doctor: If you uncase, his presence would undo us. Sure never was any thing so unlucky—I hear his foot-steps; quick to your posts.[Mummy and Crocodile run to their places.
EnterFossile, Dr.Nautilus, and Dr.Possum.
Naut.Much joy to the learned Dr. Fossile. To have a mummy, an alligator, and a wife, all in one day, is too great happiness for mortal man!
Poss.This an alligator! Alack a day, brother Nautilus, this is a mere lizard, an eft, a shrimp to mine.
Naut.How improving would it be to the female understanding, if the closets of the ladies were furnish'd, or, as I may say, ornamented and embellish'd with preserv'd butterflies, and beautiful shells, instead of China jars, and absurd Indian pictures.
Town.Now for a stratagem to bring off my unsuccessful pair of gallants.[Aside.[Exit Townley.
Foss.Ah, Dr. Nautilus, how have I languish'd for your feather of the bird Porphyrion!
Naut.But your dart of the Mantichora!
Foss.Your haft of the antediluvian trowel, unquestionably the tool of one of the Babel masons!
Naut.What's that to your fragment of Seth's pillar?
Poss.Gentlemen, I affirm I have a greater curiosity than all of them. I have an entire leaf of Noah's journal aboard the ark, that was hewen out of a porphyry pillar in Palmyra.[Fossile opens the case of the mummy.
Naut.By the formation of the muscular parts of the visage, I conjecture that this mummy is male.
Pos.Male, brother! I am sorry to observe your ignorance of the symetry of a human body. Do but observe the projection of the hip; besides, the bloom upon the face; 'tis a female beyond all contradiction.
Fos.Let us have no rash dispute, brothers; but proceed methodically——Behold the vanity of mankind! [pointing to the mummy.] Some Ptolemy perhaps!——
Naut.Who by his pyramid and pickle thought to secure to himself death immortal.
Fos.His pyramid, alas! is now but a wainscot case.
Pos.And his pickle can scarce raise him to the dignity of a collar of brawn.
Fos.Pardon me, Dr. Possum: The musæum of the curious is a lasting monument. And I think it no degradation to a dead person of quality, to bear the rank of an anatomy in the learned world.
Naut.By your favour, Dr. Possum, a collar of brawn! I affirm, he is better to be taken inwardly than a collar of brawn.
Fos.An excellent medicine! he is hot in the first-degree, and exceeding powerful in some diseases of women.
Naut.Right, Dr. Fossile; for your Asphaltion.
Pos.Pice-Asphaltus, by your leave.
Naut.By your leave, doctor Possum, I say, Asphaltion.
Pos.And I positively say, Pice-Asphaltus.
Naut.If you had read Dioscorides or Pliny—
Poss.I have read Dioscorides. And I do affirm Pice-Asphaltus.
Foss.Be calm, Gentlemen. Both of you handle this argument with great learning, judgment, and perspicuity. For the present, I beseech you to concord, and turn your speculations on my alligator.
Poss.The skin is impenetrable even to a sword.
Naut.Dr. Possum I will show you the contrary.[Draws his sword.
Poss.In the mean time I will try the mummy with this knife, on the point of which you shall smell the pitch, and be convinc'd that it is the Pice-Asphaltus.[Takes up a rusty knife.
Foss.Hold, Sir: You will not only deface my mummy, but spoil my Roman sacrificing-knife.
EnterTownley.
Town.I must lure them from this experiment, or we are discover'd.[Aside.[She looks through a telescope.What do I see! most prodigious! a star as broad as the moon in the day-time![The doctors go to her.
Poss.Only a halo about the sun, I suppose.
Naut.Your suppositions, doctor, seem to be groundless. Let me make my observation.[Nautilus and Possum struggle to look first.
Town.Now for your escape:[To Plotwell and Underplot.[They run to the door, but find it lock'd.
Underp.What an unlucky dog I am!
Town.Quick. Back to your posts. Don't move, and rely upon me. I have still another artifice.[They run back to their places.[Exit Townley.
Naut.I can espy no celestial body but the sun.
Poss.Brother Nautilus, your eyes are somewhat dim; your sight is not fit for astronomical observations.
Foss.Is the focus of the glass right? hold gentlemen, I see it; about the bigness of Jupiter.
Naut.No phenomenon offers itself to my speculation.
Poss.Point over yonder chimney. Directly south.
Naut.Thitherward, begging your pardon, Dr. Possum, I affirm to be the north.
Foss.East.
Poss.South.
Naut.North. Alas! what an ignorant thing is vanity! I was just making a reflection on theignorance of my brother Possum, in the nature of the crocodile.
Poss.First, brother Nautilus, convince yourself of the composition of the mummy.
Naut.I will insure your alligator from any damage. His skin I affirm once more to be impenetrable.[draws his sword.
Poss.I will not deface any hieroglyphick.[Goes to the mummy with the knife.
Foss.I never oppose a luciferous experiment. It is the beaten highway to truth.
[Plotwell and Underplotleap from their places; the doctors are frighted.]
Foss.Speak, I conjure thee. Art thou the ghost of some murder'd Egyptian monarch?
Naut.A rational question to a mummy! But this monster can be no less than the devil himself, for crocodiles don't walk.
EnterTownleyandClinket.
[Townley whispers Clinket.
Foss.Gentlemen, wonder at nothing within these walls; for ever since I was married, nothing has happen'd to me in the common course of human life.
Clink.Madam, without a compliment, you have a fine imagination. The masquerade of the mummy and crocodile is extremely just; I would not rob you of the merit of the invention, yet since you make me the compliment, I shall be proud to take the whole contrivance of this masquerade upon myself. [To Townley.] Sir, be acquainted with my masqueraders.[To Fossile.
Foss.Thou female imp of Appollo, more mischievous than Circe, who fed gentlemen of the army in a hog's-stye! What mean you by these gambols? this mummy, this crocodile?
Clink.Only a little mummery, uncle?
Fos.What an outragious conceit is this! had you contented yourself with the metamorphosis of Jupiter, our skill in the classicks might have prevented our terror.
Clink.I glory in the fertility of my invention the more, that it is beyond the imagination of a pagan deity. Besides, it is form'd upon the vraysemblance; for I know you had a mummy and a crocodile to be brought home.
Fos.Dr. Nautilus is an infirm tender gentleman; I wish the sudden concussion of his animal spirits may not kindle him into a fever. I myself, I must confess, have an extreme palpitation.
Clink.Dear uncle, be pacified. We are both of us the votaries of our great master Appollo. To you he has assign'd the art of healing: Me he has taught to sing; why then should we jangle in our kindred faculties?
Fos.Appollo, for ought I know, may be a very fine person; but this I am very sure of, that the skill he has given all his physicians is not sufficient to cure the madness of his poets.
Pos.Hark ye, brother Fossile? Your Crocodile has proved a human creature, I wish your wife may not prove a crocodile.
Naut.Hark ye, brother Fossile! Your mummy, as you were saying, seemeth to be hot in the first degree, and is powerful in some diseases of women.[Exit Nautilus and Possum.
Fos.You diabolical performers of my niece's masquerade, will it please you to follow those gentlemen?
Clink.Nay, Sir, you shall see them dance first.
Fos.Dance! the devil! bring me hither a spit, a fire-fork, I'll try whether the monsters are impenetrable or no.
Plotw.I hope, Sir, you will not expose us to the fury of the mob, since we came here upon so courteous a design.
Foss.Good courteous Mr. Mummy, without more ceremony, will it please you to retire to your subterraneous habitation. And you Mr. Crocodile, about your business this moment, or you shall change your Nile for the next horse-pond.
Clink.Spare my masqueraders.
Underp.Let it never be said that the famous Dr. Fossile, so renowned for his charity to monsters, should violate the laws of hospitality, and turn a poor alligator naked into the street.
Foss.Deposite yourexuviæthen, and assume your human shape.
Underp.For that I must beg your excuse. A gentleman would not chuse to be known in these frolicks.
Foss.Then out of my doors, here footman, out with him; out, thou hypocrite, of an alligator.[Underplot is turn'd out.
Sir, the respect I have for catacombs and pyramids, will not protect you.[A noise of mob within.
EnterPrue.
Prue.Sir, Sir, lock your doors, or else all your monsters will run home again to the Indies. Your crocodile yonder has made his escape; if he get but to Somerset water-gate, he is gone for ever.[Exit Prue.
Enter a Footman.
Foot.The herbwoman swore she knew him to be the devil, for she had met him one dark night in St. Pulchre's church-yard; then the monster call'd a coach, methought with the voice of a christian; but a sailor that came by said he might be a crocodile for all that, for crocodiles could cry like children, and was for killing him outright, for they were good toeat in Egypt, but the constable cry'd take him alive, for what if he be an Egyptian, he is still the king's subject.Ex. footman.[A noise of mob within.
EnterPrue
Prue.Then he was hurry'd a way by the mob. A bull-dog ran away with fix joints of his tail, and the claw of his near foot before: At last by good fortune, to save his life, he fell in with the Hockley in the Hole bull and bear; the master claim'd him for his monster, and so he is now attended by a vast mob, very solemnly marching to Hockley in the Hole, with the bear in his front, the bull in his rear, and a monkey upon each shoulder.
Town.Mr. Mummy, you had best draw the curtains of your chair, or the mob's respect for the dead will scarce protect you.[Exit Plotwell in a chair.
Clink.My concern for him obliges me to go see that he gets off safe, lest any further mischief befalls the persons of our masque.[Exit Clinket.
Fos.Sweetly, Horace.Nunquam satis, and so forth. A man can never be too cautious. Madam, sit down by me. Pray how long is it since you and I have been married?
Town.Near three hours, Sir.
Fos.And what anxieties has this time produc'd? the dangers of divorce! calumniatory letters! lewd fellows introduc'd by my niece! groundless jealousies on both sides! even thy virginity put to the touch-stone! but this last danger I plung'd thee in myself; to leave thee in the room with two such robust young fellows.
Town.Ay, with two young fellows! but my dear, I know you did it ignorantly.
Fos.This is the first blest minute of repose that I have enjoy'd in matrimony. Dost thou know thereason, my dear, why I have chosen thee of all womankind?
Town.My face, perhaps.
Fos.No.
Town.My wit?
Fos.No.
Town.My virtue and good humour.
Fos.No. But for the natural conformity of our constitutions. Because thou art hot and moist in the third degree, and I myself cold and dry in the first.
Town.And so nature has coupled us like the elements.
Fos.Thou hast nothing to do but to submit thy constitution to my regimen.
Town.You shall find me obedient in all things.
Foss.It is strange, yet certain, that the intellects of the infant depend upon the suppers of the parents. Diet must be prescrib'd.
Town.So the wit of one's posterity is determin'd by the choice of one's cook.
Foss.Right. You may observe how French cooks, with their high ragousts, have contaminated our plain English understandings. Our supper to night is extracted from the best authors. How delightful is this minute of tranquility! my soul is at ease. How happy shalt thou make me! thou shalt bring me the finest boy![A knocking at the door,
No mortal shall enter these doors this day. [knocking again.] Oh, it must be the news of poor lady Hippokekoana's death. Poor woman! such is the condition of life, some die, and some are born, and I shall now make some reparation for the mortality of my patients by the fecundity of my wife. My dear thou shalt bring me the finest boy!
Enter footman.
Foot.Sir, here's a seaman from Deptford must needs speak with you.
Foss.Let him come in. One of my retale Indian merchants, I suppose, that always brings me some odd thing.
Enter sailor with a child.
What hast thou brought me, friend, a young drill?
Sail.Look ye d'ye see, master, you know best whether a monkey begot him.
Foss.A meer human child.
Town.Thy carelessness, Sarsnet, has exposed me, I am lost and ruin'd. O heav'n! heav'n! No, impudence assist me.[Aside.
Foss.Is the child monstrous? or dost thou bring him here to take physick?
Sail.I care not what he takes so you take him.
Foss.What does the fellow mean?
Sail.Fellow me no fellows. My name is Jack Capstone of Deptford, and are not you the man that has the raree-show of oyster-shells and pebble-stones?
Fos.What if I am?
Sail.Why, then my invoice is right, I must leave my cargo here.
Town.Miserable woman that I am! how shall I support this fight! thy bastard brought into thy family as soon as thy bride!
Fos.Patience, patience, I beseech you. Indeed I have no posterity.
Town.You lascivious brute you.
Fos.Passion is but the tempestuous cloud that obscures reason; be calm and I'll convince you. Friend, how come you to bring the infant hither?