ACT II[120]

ACT II[120]It is next morning.EUSTASIA,LEONARD’Swife (who should be sitting patiently at home wondering when he will return), is having breakfast with a harmless young man calledNICHOLAS.She is what people who talk like that call a “nice little thing,” near enough to thirty-five to begin to wish it were twenty-five. At present she is making a good deal of fuss over this dear boyNICHOLAS.Breakfast is practically over.NICHOLAS,in fact, is wiping his mouth.EUSTASIA.  Finished, darling?NICHOLAS.  Yes, thank you, Eustasia.EUSTASIA.  A little more toast?NICHOLAS.  No, thank you, Eustasia.EUSTASIA.  Just a little tiny teeny-weeny bit, if his Eustasia butters it for him?NICHOLAS.  No, thank you. I’ve really finished.EUSTASIA.  Another cup of coffee?NICHOLAS(with a sigh).  No, thank you, Eustasia.EUSTASIA.  Just a little bit of a cup if his Eustasia pours it out for her own Nicholas, and puts the sugar in with her own ickle fingers?NICHOLAS.  No more coffee, thank you.EUSTASIA.  Then he shall sit in a more comfy chair while he smokes his nasty, horrid pipe, which he loves so much better than his Eustasia. (He gets up[121]without saying anything.) He doesn’t really love it better?NICHOLAS(laughing uneasily).  Of course he doesn’t.EUSTASIA.  Kiss her to show that he doesn’t.NICHOLAS(doing it gingerly).  You baby!EUSTASIA.  And now give me your pipe. (He gives it to her reluctantly. She kisses it and gives it back to him.) There! And she doesn’t really think it’s a nasty, horrid pipe, and she’s ever so sorry she said so.... Oh! (She sees a dish of apples suddenly.)NICHOLAS.  What is it?EUSTASIA.  Nicholas never had an apple!NICHOLAS.  Oh no, thanks, I don’t want one.EUSTASIA.  Oh, but he must have an apple! It’s so good for him. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Youmustkeep the doctor away, darling, else poor Eustasia will be miserable.NICHOLAS(with an effort).  I’ve finished my breakfast.EUSTASIA.  Not even if his Eustasia peels it for him?NICHOLAS.  No, thank you. I assure you that I have had all I want.EUSTASIA.  Sure?NICHOLAS.  Quite sure, thank you. Where are you going to sit?EUSTASIA(indicating the sofa).  Nicholas sit there and Eustasia sit next to him.NICHOLAS(without much enthusiasm).  Right. (They sit down.)EUSTASIA.  Shall Eustasia fill his pipe for him? (She takes it.)NICHOLAS(taking it back).  No, thank you. It is filled. (They are silent for a little, and at last he speaks uncomfortably) Er—Eustasia.EUSTASIA.  Yes, darling.NICHOLAS.  We’ve been here a week.[122]EUSTASIA.  Yes, darling. A wonderful, wonderful week. And now to-day we leave this dear house where we have been so happy together, and go out into the worldtogether——NICHOLAS(who has not been listening to her).  A week. Except for the first day, we have had all our meals alone together.EUSTASIA(sentimentally).  Alone, Nicholas.NICHOLAS.  Four meals a day—that’s twenty-four meals.EUSTASIA.  Twenty-four!NICHOLAS.  And at every one of those meals you have asked me at least four times to have something more, when I had already said that I didn’t want anything more; or, in other words, you have forced me to say “No, thank you, Eustasia,” ninety-six times when there was absolutely no need for it.EUSTASIA(hurt).  Nicholas!NICHOLAS(inexorably).  We are both young. I am twenty-six, youare——EUSTASIA(hopefully).  Twenty-five.NICHOLAS(looking at her quickly and then away again).  You are twenty-five. If all goes well, we may look to have fifty years more together. Say two thousand five hundred weeks. Multiply that by a hundred, and we see that in the course of our joint lives you will, at the present rate, force me to say “No, thank you, Eustasia,” two hundred and fifty thousand times more than is necessary. (He relights his pipe.)EUSTASIA(pathetically).  Nicholas! (She applies her handkerchief.)NICHOLAS.  I wondered if we couldn’t come to some arrangement about it. That’s all.EUSTASIA.  You’re cruel! Cruel! (She sobs piteously.)[123]NICHOLAS(doggedly).  I just wondered if we couldn’t come to some arrangement.EUSTASIA(completely overcome).  Oh! Oh! Nicholas! My darling!(NICHOLAS,his hands clenched, looks grimly in front of him. He winces now and then at her sobs. He tries desperately hard not to give way, but in the end they are too much for him.)NICHOLAS(putting his arms round her).  Darling! Don’t! (She goes on sobbing.) There! There! I’m sorry. Nicholas is sorry. I oughtn’t to have said it.Forgive me, darling.EUSTASIA(between sobs).  It’s only because I love you so much, and w-want you to be well. And you m-must eat.NICHOLAS.  Yes, yes, Eustasia, I know. It is dear of you.EUSTASIA.  Ask any d-doctor. He would say you m-must eat.NICHOLAS.  Yes, darling.EUSTASIA.  You m-must eat.NICHOLAS(resignedly).  Yes, darling.EUSTASIA(sitting up and wiping her eyes).  What’s a wife for, if it isn’t to look after her husband when he’s ill, and to see that he eats?NICHOLAS.  All right, dear, we won’t say anything more about it.EUSTASIA.  And when you had that horrid cold and were so ill, the first day after we came here, I did look after you, didn’t I, Nicholas, and take care of you and make you well again?NICHOLAS.  You did, dear. Don’t think I am not grateful. You were very kind. (Wincing at the recollection) Too kind.[124]EUSTASIA.  Not too kind, darling. I love looking after you, and doing things for you, and taking care of you, and cosseting you. (Thoughtfully to herself) Leonard wasneverill.NICHOLAS.  Leonard?EUSTASIA.  My husband.NICHOLAS.  Oh!... I’d never thought of him as Leonard. I prefer not to think about him. I’ve never seen him, and I don’t want to talk about him.EUSTASIA.  No, darling.Idon’t want to either.NICHOLAS.  We’ve taken the plunge and—(bravely) and we’re not going back on it.EUSTASIA(surprised).  Darling!NICHOLAS.  As a man of honourI——Besides, you can’t go back now—I mean I took you away,and——Well, here we are. (With determination) Here we are.EUSTASIA.  Darling, you aren’t regretting?NICHOLAS(hastily).  No, no! (She takes out her handkerchief ominously.) No, no, no! (She begins to sob.)No! No!(He is almost shouting.) Eustasia, listen! I love you! I’mnotregretting! I’veneverbeen so happy! (She is sobbing tumultuously.) So happy, Eustasia! I have never, never been so happy!Can’tyou hear?EUSTASIA(throwing herself into his arms).  Darling!NICHOLAS.  There, there!EUSTASIA(drying her eyes).  Oh, Nicholas, you frightened me so! Just for a moment I was afraid you were regretting.NICHOLAS.  No, no!EUSTASIA.  How right Mr. Latimer was!NICHOLAS(with conviction).  He was indeed.EUSTASIA.  How little we really knew of each other when you asked me to come away with you!NICHOLAS.  How little![125]EUSTASIA.  But this week has shown us to each other as we really are.NICHOLAS.  It has.EUSTASIA.  And now I feel absolutely safe. We are ready to face the world together, Nicholas. (She sighs and leans back happily in his arms.)NICHOLAS.  Ready to face the world together.(He has his pipe in his right hand, which is round her waist. Her eyes are closed, her left hand, encircling his neck, holds his left hand. He tries to bend his head down so as to get hold of his pipe with his teeth. Several times he tries and just misses it. Each time he pulls her a little closer to him, and she sighs happily. At last he gets hold of it. He leans back with a gasp of relief.)EUSTASIA(still with her eyes closed).  What is it, darling?NICHOLAS.  Nothing, Eustasia, nothing. Just happiness.(But they are not to be alone with it for long, forMR. LATIMERcomes in.)LATIMER.  Good morning, my friends, good morning.(They move apart andNICHOLASjumps up.)NICHOLAS.  Oh, good morning.EUSTASIA.  Good morning.LATIMER.  So you are leaving me this morning and going on your way?NICHOLAS(without enthusiasm).  Yes.EUSTASIA.  But we shall never forget this week, dear Mr. Latimer.LATIMER.  You have forgiven me for asking you to wait a little so as to make sure?EUSTASIA.  Oh, but you were so right! I was just saying so to Nicholas. Wasn’t I, Nicholas?[126]NICHOLAS.  Yes. About a minute ago. About two minutes ago.LATIMER.  And so now you are sure of yourselves?EUSTASIA.  Oh, so sure, so very sure. Aren’t we, Nicholas?NICHOLAS.  Absolutely sure.LATIMER.  That’s right. (Looking at his watch) Well, I don’t want to hurry you, but if you have any little things to do, the car will be here in half an hour,and——EUSTASIA.  Half an hour? Oh, I must fly. (She begins.)NICHOLAS(not moving).  Yes, we must fly.LATIMER(going to the door withEUSTASIA). By the way, you will be interested to hear that I had two other visitors last night.EUSTASIA(stopping excitedly).  Mr. Latimer! You don’t mean another—couple?LATIMER.  Yes, another romantic couple.EUSTASIA.  Oh, if I could but see them before we go! Just for a moment! Just to reconcile them to this week of probation! To tell them what a wonderful week it can be!LATIMER.  You shall. I promise you that you shall.EUSTASIA.  Oh, thank you, dear Mr. Latimer!(He goes to the door with her. As he comes back,NICHOLASis coming slowly towards him.)NICHOLAS.  I say?LATIMER.  Yes?NICHOLAS(thoughtfully).  I say, what wouldyou—I mean—supposing——Because you see—I mean, it isn’t asif——Of course,now——(He looks at his watch and finishes up sadly) Half an hour. Well, I suppose I must be getting ready. (He goes towards the door.)LATIMER(as he gets there).  Er—Nicholas.[127]NICHOLAS.  Yes?LATIMER.  Just a moment.NICHOLAS(coming back to him).  Yes?(LATIMERtakes him by the arm, and looks round the room to see that they are alone.)LATIMER(in a loud whisper).  Cheer up!NICHOLAS(excitedly).  What?(LATIMERhas let go of his arm and moved away, humming casually to himself. The light dies out ofNICHOLAS’eyes, and he shrugs his shoulders despairingly.)NICHOLAS(without any hope).  Well, I’ll go and get ready.[He goes out.(DOMINICcomes in and begins to rearrange the breakfast-table.)LATIMER.  Ah, good morning, Dominic.DOMINIC.  Good morning, sir. A nicish morning it seems to be, sir.LATIMER.  A very nicish morning. I have great hopes of the world to-day.DOMINIC.  I am very glad to hear it, sir.LATIMER.  We must all do what we can, Dominic.DOMINIC.  That’s the only way, isn’t it, sir?LATIMER.  Great hopes, great hopes.DOMINIC(handing him “The Times”).  The paper, sir.LATIMER.  Thank you. (He looks at the front page).  Any one married this morning? Dear me, quite a lot. One, two, three, four ... ten. Ten! Twenty happy people, Dominic!DOMINIC.  Let us hope so, sir.LATIMER.  Let us hope so.... By the way, how was his lordship this morning?DOMINIC.  A little depressed, sir.LATIMER.  Ah!DOMINIC.  There seems to have been some misunderstanding[128]about his luggage. A little carelessness on the part of somebody, I imagine, sir.LATIMER.  Dear me! Didn’t it come with him?DOMINIC.  I’m afraid not, sir.LATIMER.  Tut, tut, how careless of somebody. Can’t we lend him anything?DOMINIC.  Joseph offered to lend him a comb, sir—his own comb—a birthday present last year, Joseph tells me. His lordship decided not to avail himself of the offer.LATIMER.  Very generous of Joseph, seeing that it was a birthday present.DOMINIC.  Yes, sir. Unfortunately Joseph had come down to the last blade of his safety razor this morning.His lordship is rather upset about the whole business, sir.LATIMER.  Well, well, I daresay a little breakfast will do him good.DOMINIC.  Yes, sir. Are you ready for breakfast now, sir?(ANNEcomes in. All this is rather fun. She is not so sure ofLEONARDnow, butLEONARDdoesn’t matter. Dover is a long way off. Meanwhile this is fun. The jolly house, the excitement of not knowing what will happen next; andMR. LATIMER—to be put in his place.)LATIMER(getting up and going to her).  Good morning, Anne. May I hope that you slept well?ANNE.  Very well, thank you.LATIMER.  I am so glad.... All right, Dominic.DOMINIC.  Thank you, sir.[He goes out.LATIMER.  You are ready for breakfast?ANNE.  Quite ready. But what about Leonard?LATIMER.  Leonard?ANNE.  I made sure that I was to have a practice[129]breakfast with Leonard this morning. I have been thinking of a few things to say up in my room.LATIMER(smiling).  Say them to me instead.ANNE.  They are very wifely. (She sits down.)LATIMER.  But think what good practice.ANNE.  Very well. (At the cups) Tea or coffee, darling?LATIMER.  Oh no, that will never do. You know by now that I always have coffee—half milk and three lumps of sugar.ANNE.  Of course, how silly of me. (She pours out the coffee.)LATIMER(taking the covers off the dishes).  Omelette—fish—kidney and bacon?ANNE.  Nowyou’reforgetting.LATIMER(putting back the covers).  No, I’m remembering. Toast and marmalade—isn’t that right?ANNE.  Quite right, dear.LATIMER(to himself).  I knew she would like marmalade. No wonder that Leonard ran away with her. (He puts the toast and marmalade close to her.)ANNE.  Your coffee, darling.LATIMER.  Thank you, my love.... “My love” is very connubial, I think.ANNE.  Delightfully so. Do go on.LATIMER.  Er—I am sorry to see in the paper this morning—which I glanced at, my precious, before you camedown——How do you like “My precious”?ANNE.  Wonderfully life-like. Are you sure you haven’t been married before?LATIMER.  Only once. Eustasia. You had not forgotten, Eustasia?ANNE.  I am afraid I had. In fact, I had forgotten for the moment that you were being Leonard.LATIMER(bowing).  Thank you. I could wish no better compliment.[130]ANNE(laughing in spite of herself).  Oh, you’re too absurd.LATIMER(inLEONARD’Smanner).  Of course I don’t wish to say anything againstEustasia——ANNE.  My dear Leonard, I really think we might leave your first wife out of it.LATIMER.  Yes, you want to get that off pat. You’ll have to say that a good deal, I expect. Well, to resume. I am sorry to see in the paper this morning that Beelzebub, upon whom I laid my shirt for the 2.30 race at Newmarket yesterday—and incidentally your shirt too, darling—came in last, some five minutes after the others had finished the course.... Tut, tut, how annoying!ANNE.  Oh, my poor darling!LATIMER.  The word “poor” is well chosen. We are ruined. I shall have to work.ANNE.  You know what Iwantyou to do, Leonard?LATIMER.  No, I have forgotten.ANNE(seriously).  I should like to see you in the House of Lords, taking your rightful place as a leader of men, making great speeches.LATIMER.  My dear Anne! I may be a peer, but I am not a dashed politician.ANNE(wistfully).  I wish you were, Leonard.LATIMER.  I will be anything you like, Anne. (He leans towards her, half-serious, half-mocking.)ANNE(with a little laugh).  How absurd you are! Some more coffee?LATIMER(passing his cup).  To which I answer, “A little more milk.” Do you realise that this goes on for fifty years?ANNE.  Well, and why not?LATIMER.  Fifty years. A solemn thought. But do not let it mar our pleasure in the meal that we are[131]having together now. Let us continue to talk gaily together. Tell me of any interesting dream you may have had last night—any little adventure that befell you in the bath—any bright thought that occurred to you as you were dressing.ANNE(thoughtfully).  I had a very odd dream last night.LATIMER.  I am longing to hear it, my love.ANNE.  I dreamt that you and I were running away together, Leonard, and that we lost our way and came to what we thought was an hotel. But it was not an hotel. It was a very mysterious house, kept by a very mysterious man called Mr. Latimer.LATIMER.  How very odd. Latimer? Latimer? No, I don’t seem to have heard of the fellow.ANNE.  He told us that we were his prisoners. That we must stay in his house a week before we went on our way again. That all the doors were locked, and there were high walls round the garden, that the gates from the garden were locked, so that we could not escape, and that we must wait a week together in his house to see if we were really suited to each other.LATIMER.  My dear, what an extraordinary dream!ANNE.  Itwasonly a dream, wasn’t it?LATIMER.  Of course! What is there mysterious about this house? What is there mysterious about this—er—Mr. Latimer? And as for any one being kept prisoner—here—in this respectable England—why!ANNE.  It is absurd, isn’t it?LATIMER.  Quite ridiculous.ANNE(getting up—now she will show him).  I thought it was. (She goes to the front door and turns the handle. To her surprise the door opens. ButMR. LATIMERmustn’t know that she is surprised.) You see, I thought it was You see, the gates are open too! (She comes back.) What an absurd dream to have had! (She sits down again.)LATIMER.  There’s no accounting for dreams. I had an absurd one too last night.ANNE.  What was it?LATIMER.  A lonely house. Father and daughter living together. Father old, selfish, absorbed in his work. Daughter left to herself; her only companion, books; knowing nothing of the world. A man comes into her life—the first. He makes much of her. It is a new experience for the daughter. She is grateful to him, so grateful, so very proud that she means anything to him. He tells her when it is too late that he is married; talks of an impossible wife; tells her that she is his real mate. Let her come with him and see something of the world which she has never known. She comes.... Dear me, what silly things one dreams!ANNE.  Absurd things.... (So he knows! He knows all about it! But she will not be treated as a child. She will carry it off yet.) When can we have the car? (Now she is carrying it off.)LATIMER.  The car?ANNE.  Leonard’s car.LATIMER.  You wish to continue the adventure?ANNE.  Why not?LATIMER.  Dear, dear! What a pity! (Looking at his watch.) In twenty-five minutes?ANNE.  That will do nicely, thank you.LATIMER.  We must let Leonard have a little breakfast first, if he is to cross the Channel to-day. (He gets up.) In twenty-five minutes then.ANNE(half holding out her hand).  I shall see you again?[133]LATIMER(bending over it).  If only to wish you Godspeed.(She looks at him for a moment, and then turns and goes out. He picks up his paper and settles with it in an arm-chair, his back to the breakfast-table.LEONARDcomes in. He is in a dirty, rather disreputable, once white, bath-gown. His hair is unbrushed, his cheeks—the cheeks of a dark man—unshaved and blue. He has a horrible pair of bedroom slippers on his feet, above which, not only his socks, but almost a hint of pantaloons, may be seen on the way to the dressing-gown. He comes in nervously, and is greatly relieved to find that the breakfast-table is empty. He does not noticeMR. LATIMER.On his way to the table he stops at a mirror on the wall, and standing in front of it, tries to persuade himself that his chin is not so bad after all. Then he pours himself out some coffee, helps himself to a kipper and falls to ravenously.)LATIMER.  Ah, good morning, Leonard.LEONARD(starting violently and turning round).  Good Lord! I didn’t know you were there.LATIMER.  You were so hungry.... I trust you slept well.LEONARD.  Slept well! Of all the damned draughtyrooms——Yes, and what about my luggage?LATIMER(surprised).  Your luggage?LEONARD.  Yes, never put on the car, your fellow, what’s ’is name—Joseph says.LATIMER.  Dear me, we must enquire into this. Lost your luggage? Dear me, that’s a very unfortunate start for a honeymoon. That means bad luck, Leonard. (DOMINICcomes in.) Dominic, what’s this about his lordship’s luggage?[134]DOMINIC.  Joseph tells me there must have been some misunderstanding about it, sir. A little carelessness on the part of somebody, I imagine, sir.LATIMER.  Dear me! Didn’t it come with him?DOMINIC.  I’m afraid not, sir.LATIMER.  Tut, tut, how careless of somebody! Thank you, Dominic.DOMINIC.  Thank you, sir.[He goes out.LATIMER.  Lost your luggage. How excessively annoying! (Anxiously) My dear Leonard, what is it?LEONARD(whose face has been shaping for it for some seconds) A-tish-oo!LATIMER.  At any rate I can find you a handkerchief. (He does so.LEONARDtakes it just in time, and sneezes violently again.)LEONARD.  Thank you.LATIMER.  Not at all. That’s a very nasty cold you’ve got. How wise of you to have kept on a dressing-gown.LEONARD.  The only thing I had to put on.LATIMER.  But surely you were travelling in a suit yesterday? I seem to remember a brown suit.LEONARD.  That fool of a man ofyours——LATIMER(distressed).  You don’t mean to tellme——(DOMINICcomes in.) Dominic, what’s this about his lordship’s brown suit?DOMINIC.  Owing to a regrettable misunderstanding, sir, his lordship’sluggage——LATIMER.  Yes, but I’m not talking about his twenty-five other suits, I mean the nice brown suit that he was wearing yesterday. It must be somewhere. I remember noticing it. Iremember——(He holds up his hand) Just a moment,Dominic——LEONARD.  A-tish-oo!LATIMER.  I remember saying to myself, “What a[135]nice brown suit Leonard is wearing.” Well, where is it, Dominic?DOMINIC.  Yes, sir. I seem to remember the suit to which you are referring. I regret to say that Joseph had an unfortunate accident with it.LEONARD(growling).  Damned carelessness.DOMINIC.  Joseph was bringing back the clothes after brushing them, sir, and happened to have them in his arms while bending over the bath in order to test the temperature of the water for his lordship. A little surprised by the unexpected heat of the water, Joseph relinquished the clothes for a moment, and precipitated them into the bath.LATIMER.  Dear me, how extremely careless of Joseph!DOMINIC.  Yes, sir, I have already reprimanded him.LEONARD.  The fellow ought to be shot.LATIMER.  You’re quite right, Leonard. Dominic, shoot Joseph this morning.DOMINIC.  Yes, sir.LATIMER.  And see that his lordship’s suit is dried as soon as possible.DOMINIC.  Yes, sir. It is being dried now, sir.LATIMER.  But it must be dried thoroughly, Dominic. His lordship has a nasty cold,and——LEONARD.  A-tish-oo!LATIMER.  A very nasty one. I’m afraid you are subject to colds, Leonard?LEONARD.  The first one I’ve ever had in my life.LATIMER.  Do you hear that, Dominic? The first one he’s ever had in his life.DOMINIC.  Yes, sir. If you remember, sir, Mr. Nicholas, and one or two other gentlemen who have slept there, caught a very nasty cold. Almost looks[136]as if there must be something the matter with the room.LEONARD.  Damned draughtiestroom——LATIMER.  Dear me! You should have told me of this before. We must have the room seen to at once. And be sure that his lordship has a different room to-night.DOMINIC.  Yes, sir; thank you, sir.[He goes out.LATIMER(sympathetically).  My dear fellow, I am distressed beyond words. But you know the saying, “Feed a cold, starve a fever.” You must eat, you must eat. (He pushes all the dishes round Leonard.) We must be firm with this cold. We must suffocate it. (Pressing more dishes upon him.) You were quite right not to shave. The protection offered by the beard, though small, is salutary. But I was forgetting—perhaps your razor is lost too?LEONARD.  Damned careless fellows!LATIMER.  I must lend you mine.LEONARD(feeling his chin).  I say, I wish you would.LATIMER.  I will get it at once. Meanwhile, eat. No half measures with this cold of yours. My poor fellow!(He hurries out. Just asLEONARDis getting busy with his breakfast again,ANNEcomes in.)ANNE.  Leonard, my dear! (She observes him more thoroughly) MydearLeonard!LEONARD(his mouth full).  G’morning, Anne.ANNE(coldly).  Good morning.LEONARD(getting up, napkin in hand).  How are you this morning? (He comes towards her, wiping his mouth.)ANNE.  No, please go on with your breakfast. (In alarm) What is it?(His face assumes an agonized expression. He sneezes.ANNEshudders.)[137]LEONARD.  Got a nasty cold. Can’t understand it. First I’ve ever had in my life.ANNE.  Do you sneeze like that much?LEONARD.  Off and on.ANNE.  Oh!... Hadn’t you better get on with your breakfast?LEONARD.  Well, I will if you don’t mind. Good thing for a cold, isn’t it? Eat a lot.ANNE.  I really know very little about colds.... Do get on with your breakfast.LEONARD(going back).  Well, I will, if you don’t mind. You had yours?ANNE.  Yes.LEONARD.  That’s right. (Resuming it) Did you have one of these kippers?ANNE.  No.LEONARD.  Ah! A pity. I will say that for Latimer’s cook. She knows how to do a kipper. Much more difficult than people think.ANNE.  I really know very little about kippers.LEONARD.  I have often wondered why somebody doesn’t invent one without bones. (He takes a mouthful.) Seeing what science can donowadays——(He stops.ANNE’Seye is on him. He says nothing, but waves his hand for her to look the other way.)ANNE.  What is it? (He frowns fiercely and continues to wave. She turns away coldly.) I beg your pardon. (He removes a mouthful of bones.)LEONARD(cheerfully).  Right oh, darling.... After all, what do theywantall these bones for? Other fish manage without them. (He continues his kipper.)ANNE.  Leonard, when you can spare me a moment I should like to speak to you.LEONARD(eating).  My darling, all my time is yours.[138]ANNE.  I should like your undivided attention if I can have it.LEONARD.  Fire away, darling, I’m listening.ANNE(going up to him).  Have you finished your—kipper? (She takes the plate away) What are you going to have next?LEONARD.  Well—what do you recommend?ANNE(taking off a cover).  Omelette? I don’t think it has any bones.LEONARD.  What’s in that other dish? (She takes off the cover.) Kidneys? What are the kidneys like?ANNE.  Well, you can see what theylooklike.LEONARD.  Did you try one?ANNE(impatiently).  They’re delightful, I tried several. (She helps him) There! Got the toast? Butter? Salt? What is it?LEONARD.  Pepper.ANNE.  Pepper—there. Now have you got everything?LEONARD.  Yes, thank you, my dear. (He picks up his knife and fork.)ANNE(putting them down again).  Then before you actually begin, I have something I want to say to you.LEONARD.  You’re very mysterious. What is it?ANNE.  There is nothing mysterious about it at all. It’s perfectly plain and obvious. Only I do want you to grasp it.LEONARD.  Well? (He blows his nose. She waits for him to finish.) Well? (He is still flourishing his handkerchief. She waits patiently. He puts it back in his pocket.) Well?ANNE.  The car will be here in a quarter of an hour.LEONARD.  The car?ANNE.  The automobile.LEONARD.  But whose?[139]ANNE.  Ours. More accurately, yours.LEONARD.  But what for?ANNE(patiently).  We are running away together, dear. You and I. It had slipped your memory perhaps, but I assure you it is a fact. The car will take us to Dover, and the boat will take us to Calais, and the train will take us to the South of France. You and I, dear. When you’ve finished your breakfast.LEONARD.  But what about Latimer?ANNE.  Just you and I, dear. Two of us only. The usual number. We shall not take Mr. Latimer.LEONARD.  My dear Anne, you seem quite to have forgotten that this confounded fellow Latimer has got us prisoners here until he chooses to let us go. (With dignity)Ihave not forgotten. I eat his kidneys now, but he shall hear from me afterwards. Damned interference!ANNE.  Have you been dreaming, Leonard?Beforeall these kippers and kidneys and things?LEONARD.  Dreaming?ANNE.  The car will be here in a quarter of an hour. Why not? It isyourcar. This is England; this is the twentieth century. We missed the boat and spent the night here. We go on our way this morning. Why not?LEONARD.  Well, you know, I said last night it was perfectly ridiculous for Latimer to talk that way. I mean, what has it got to do withhim? Just a bit of leg-pulling—that’s what I felt all the time. Stupid joke. (Picking up his knife and fork) Bad taste too.ANNE.  You did hear what I said, didn’t you? The car will be here in a quarter of an hour. I don’t know how long it takes you to—(she glances him over) to shave, and—and dress properly, and—and brush your hair, but I fancy you ought to be thinking about it[140]quite seriously. (Kindly) You can have some more kidneys another time.LEONARD.  B-but I can’t possibly go like this.ANNE.  No, that’s what I say.LEONARD.  I mean I haven’t got any luggage for one thing—and, with a cold like this, I’m not at allsure——ANNE.  You’ve lost your luggage?LEONARD.  Apparently it was left behindby——ANNE(with anger).  You let yourself be tricked and humiliated by this Mr. Latimer, you letmebe humiliated, and then when I say that, whatever happens, I won’t be humiliated, you—you lose your luggage!LEONARD.Ididn’t lose it. It just happens tobelost.ANNE.  And you catch a cold!LEONARD.Ididn’t catch it. It caughtme.ANNE.  The—the humiliation of it!... And what do you propose to do now?LEONARD.  As soon as my luggage turns up, and I am well enough totravel——ANNE.  Meanwhile you accept this man’shospitality——LEONARD.  Under protest. (Helping himself from the dish.) I shall keep a careful account of everything that we havehere——ANNE.  Well, that’s your third kidney; you’d better make a note of it.LEONARD(with dignity).  As it happens I was helping myself to a trifle more bacon.... As I say, I shall keep a careful account, and send him a cheque for our board and lodging as soon as we have left his roof.ANNE.  Oh!... I had some coffee and one slice of toast and a little marmalade. About a spoonful. And a cup of tea and two thin slices of bread and butter upstairs. Oh, and I’ve had two baths. They’re extra, aren’t they? A hot one last night and a cold[141]one this morning. I think that’s all. Except supper last night, and you wouldn’t let me finish that, so I expect there’ll be a reduction.... You want a note-book with one of those little pencils in it.LEONARD(reproachfully).  I say, Anne, lookhere——ANNE.  Do go on with your breakfast.LEONARD.  You’re being awfully unfair. How can we possibly go now? Why, I haven’t even got a pair of trousers to put on.ANNE.  You’re not going to say you’ve lost those too!LEONARD(sulkily).  It’s not my fault. That fellow—What’s ’isname——ANNE(wonderingly).  What made you everthinkthat you could take anybody to the South of France? Without any practice at all?... Now, if you had been taking an aunt to Hammersmith—well, you might have lost a bus or two ... and your hat might have blown off ... and you would probably have found yourselves at Hampstead the first two or three times ... and your aunt would have stood up the whole way ... but still you might have got there eventually. I mean, it would be worth trying—if your aunt was very anxious to get to Hammersmith. But the South of France! My dear Leonard! It’s so audacious of you.LEONARD(annoyed).  Now, look here,Anne——(MR. LATIMERcomes in cheerily with shaving-pot, brush, safety-razor, and towel.)LATIMER.  Now then, Leonard, we’ll soon have you all right. (He puts the things down.) Ah, Anne! You don’t mind waiting while Leonard has a shave? He wanted to grow a special beard for the Continent, but I persuaded him not to. The French accent will be quite enough. (Picking up the razor) Do you mind Wednesday’s blade? I used Tuesday’s myself this morning.[142]ANNE(all sweetness in a moment).  Oh, Mr. Latimer, I find that we shall not want the car after all.LATIMER.  No?ANNE.  No. Poor Leonard is hardly well enough to travel. I hope that by to-morrow,perhaps——But I am afraid that we must trespass on your hospitality until then. I am so sorry.LATIMER.  But I am charmed to have you. Let me tell your maid to unpack.ANNE.  Don’t trouble, thanks. I’ve got to take my hat off. (Very lovingly forLATIMER’Sbenefit) I shan’t be a moment, Leonard darling.(She goes out, her chin in the air. She is still carrying it off.)LATIMER.  Now then, Leonard darling, to work.LEONARD(picking up the things).  Thanks.LATIMER.  But where are you going?LEONARD.  Upstairs, of course.LATIMER.  Is that wise? With a cold like yours?LEONARD.  Damn it, I can’t shave down here.LATIMER.  Oh, come, we mustn’t stand on ceremony when your life is at stake. You were complaining only five minutes ago of the draught in your room. Now, here we have a nice eventemperature——LEONARD.  Well, there’s something in that.LATIMER.  There’s everything in it. Of course you’ve never had a cold before, so you don’t know, but any doctor will tell you how important it is to stay in one room—with a nice even temperature. You mustn’t dream of going upstairs.LEONARD(surrendering).Well——LATIMER.  That’s right. Got everything you want? There are plenty of mirrors. Which period do you prefer? Queen Anne?LEONARD.  It’s all right, thanks.[143]LATIMER.  Good. Then I’ll leave you to it.(He goes out. Standing in front of a glass on the wall,LEONARDapplies the soap. His cheeks are just getting beautifully creamy whenNICHOLASenters.)NICHOLAS.  Hallo!LEONARD(looking round).  Hallo!NICHOLAS.  Shaving?LEONARD(exasperated).  Well, what the devil did you think I was doing?NICHOLAS.  Shaving. (He sits down.LEONARDgets on with the good work.)LEONARD.  A-tish-oo!NICHOLAS.  Got a cold?LEONARD.  Obviously.NICHOLAS(sympathetically).  Horrid, sneezing when you’re all covered with soap.LEONARD.  Look here, I didn’t ask for your company, and I don’t want your comments.NICHOLAS.  Well, if it comes to that, I was here first, and I didn’t ask you to shave in the hall.LEONARD(with dignity).  There are reasons why it is necessary for me to shave in the hall.NICHOLAS.  Don’t bother to tell me. I know ’em.LEONARD.  What do you mean?NICHOLAS.  You’re the couple that arrived last night.LEONARD(looking at him, thoughtfully).  And you’re the couple that is leaving this morning.NICHOLAS.  Exactly.LEONARD.  Yes, but I don’tsee——NICHOLAS.  You haven’t tumbled to it yet?LEONARD.  Tumbled to what?NICHOLAS.  The fact that a week ago there were reasons why it was necessary formeto shave in the hall.LEONARD.  You!... You don’tmean——[144]NICHOLAS.  Yes, I do.LEONARD.  You lost your luggage?NICHOLAS.  Yes.LEONARD.  You woke up with a cold?NICHOLAS.  Yes.... Horrid, sneezing when you’re all covered with soap.LEONARD(excitedly).  I say, that fellow—what’s ’is name—didn’t dropyourclothes in the bath?NICHOLAS.  Oh, rather.... Damned smart chap, Latimer.LEONARD.  Damned scoundrel.NICHOLAS.  Oh no. He’s quite right. One learns a lot down here.LEONARD.  I shall leave his house at once ... as soon as I have shaved.NICHOLAS.  You still want to? (LEONARDlooks at him in surprise) Oh, well, you’ve hardly been here long enough, I suppose.LEONARD.  What do you mean? Don’tyouwant to any more?NICHOLAS.  Latimer’s quite right, you know. One learns a lot down here.LEONARD(shaving).  What about the lady?NICHOLAS.  That’s the devil of it.LEONARD.  My dear fellow, as a man of honour, you’re bound to go on.NICHOLAS.  As a man of honour, ought I ever to have started?LEONARD(little knowing).  Naturally I can’t give an opinion on that.NICHOLAS.  No.... You want to be careful with that glass. The light isn’t too good. I should go over it all again.LEONARD(stiffly).  Thank you. I am accustomed to shaving myself.[145]NICHOLAS.  I was just offering a little expert advice. You needn’t take it.LEONARD(surveying himself doubtfully).  H’m, perhaps you’re right. (He lathers himself again. In the middle of it he stops and says) Curious creatures, women.NICHOLAS.  Amazing.LEONARD.  It’s a life’s work in itself trying to understand ’em. And then you’re no further.NICHOLAS.  A week toldmeall I wanted to know.LEONARD.  They’re so unexpected.NICHOLAS.  So unreasonable.LEONARD.  What was it the poet said about them?NICHOLAS.  What didn’t he say?LEONARD.  No,youknow the one I mean. How does it begin?... “O woman, in our hours ofease——”NICHOLAS.  “Uncertain, coy and hard to please.”LEONARD.  That’s it. Well, I grant youthat——NICHOLAS.  Grant it me! I should think you do! They throw it at you with both hands.LEONARD.  But in the next two lines he misses the point altogether. When—what is it?—“When pain and anguish wring thebrow——”NICHOLAS(with feeling).  “A ministering angel thou.”LEONARD.  Yes, and it’s a lie. It’s simply a lie.NICHOLAS.  My dear fellow, it’s the truest thing anybody ever said. Only—only one gets too much of it.LEONARD.  True? Nonsense!NICHOLAS.  Evidently you don’t know anything about women.LEONARD(indignantly).I!Not know anything about women!NICHOLAS.  Well, you said yourself just now that you didn’t.LEONARD.  I neversaid——What Isaid——[146]NICHOLAS.  If you did know anything about ’em, you’d know that there’s nothing they like more than doing the ministering angel business.LEONARD.  Ministering angel!NICHOLAS.  Won’t you have a little more of this, and won’t you have a little more of that, and how is the poor cold to-day,and——LEONARD.  You really think that women talk like that?NICHOLAS.  How else do you think they talk?LEONARD.  My dear fellow!... Why, I mean, just take my own case as an example. Here am I, with a very nasty cold, the first I’ve ever had in my life. I sit down for a bit of breakfast—not wanting it particularly, but feeling that, for the sake of my health, I ought to try and eat something. And what happens?(LATIMERhas come in during this speech. He stops and listens to it.)LATIMER(trying to guess the answer).  You eat too much.LEONARD(turning round angrily).  Ah, so it’s you! You have come just in time, Mr. Latimer. I propose to leave your house at once.LATIMER(surprised).  Not like that? Not with a little bit of soap behind the ear? (LEONARDhastily wipes it.) The other ear. (LEONARDwipes that one) That’s right.LEONARD.  At once, sir.NICHOLAS.  You’d better come with us. We’re just going.LEONARD.  Thank you.LATIMER.  Four of you. A nice little party.ANNEcomes in.LEONARD.  Anne, my dear, we are leaving the house at once. Are you ready?[147]ANNE.But——EUSTASIA(from outside).  Nich-o-las!(LEONARDlooks up in astonishment.)NICHOLAS(gloomily).  Hallo!EUSTASIA.  Where are you?NICHOLAS.  Here!EUSTASIAcomes in.EUSTASIA.  Are you ready, darling? (She stops on seeing them all, and looks from one to the other. She sees her husband) Leonard!NICHOLAS(understanding).  Leonard!LEONARD.  Eustasia!ANNE.  Eustasia!(They stare at each other—open-mouthed—all butMR. LATIMER.MR. LATIMERhas picked up “The Times,” and seems to have forgotten that they are there....)ANNE(after hours and hours).  Oh, isn’t anybody going to say anything? Mr. Latimer, while Leonard is thinking of something, you might introduce me to his wife.LATIMER(recalled suddenly from the leading article).  I beg your pardon! Eustasia, this is Anne.ANNE.  How do you do? (Not that she minds.)EUSTASIA.  How do you do? (Nor she.)LATIMER.  Leonard, this is Nicholas.NICHOLAS(nodding).  We’ve met. Quite old friends.LEONARD(indignantly).  I repudiate the friendship. We met under false pretences. I—I—Well, upon my word, I don’t knowwhatto say.NICHOLAS.  Then don’t say it, old boy. Here we all are, and we’ve got to make the best of it.LEONARD.  I—I—a-tish-oo![148]EUSTASIA(alarmed).  Leonard, you have a cold?NICHOLAS.  A very nasty cold.ANNE(coldly).  It will be better when he has finished his breakfast.LEONARD(hurt).  Ihavefinished my breakfast. A long time ago.ANNE.  I beg your pardon. (She indicates the towel round his neck) I misunderstood.LEONARD(pulling it away).  I’ve been shaving.EUSTASIA.  But, Leonard dear, I don’t understand. I’ve never known you ill before.LEONARD.  I never have been ill before. But I am ill now. Very ill. And nobody minds. Nobody minds at all. This fellow Latimer invaygles me here—LATIMER.  Inveegles.LEONARD.  I shall pronounce it how I like. It is quite time I asserted myself. I have been too patient. You invaygle me here and purposely give me a cold. You—(pointing accusingly toANNE)—are entirely unmoved by my sufferings, instead of which you make fun of the very simple breakfast which I had forced myself to eat. You—(toNICHOLAS)—run away with my wife, at a time when I am ill and unable to protect her, and you—(toEUSTASIA)—well, all I can say is that you surprise me, Eustasia, you surprise me. I didn’t think you had it in you.LATIMER.  A masterly summing up of the case. Well, I hope you’re all ashamed of yourselves.EUSTASIA.  But, Leonard, how rash of you tothinkof running away with a cold like this. (She goes up and comforts him) You must take care of yourself—Eustasia will take care of you and get you well. Poor boy! He had a nasty, nasty cold, and nobody looked after him. Mr. Latimer, I shall want some mustard, and hot water, and eucalyptus.[149]LATIMER.  But of course!LEONARD(toANNE). There you are! As soon as somebody who really understands illness comes on the scene, you see what happens. Mustard, hot water, eucalyptus—she has it all at her finger-ends.EnterDOMINIC.DOMINIC.  Yes, sir?LATIMER.  A small mustard and water for his lordship.EUSTASIA.  It’s to put his feet in, not to drink.LATIMER.  A large mustard and water.DOMINIC.  Yes, sir.EUSTASIA.  Hot water.DOMINIC.  Yes, my lady.EUSTASIA.  And if you have anyeucalyptus——DOMINIC.  Yes, my lady; we got some in specially for his lordship.LATIMER.  Did Mr. Nicholas absorb all the last bottle?DOMINIC.  Yes, sir.NICHOLAS(with feeling).  I fairly lived on it.DOMINIC(toEUSTASIA). Is there anything else his lordship will require?NICHOLAS.  What about a mustard-plaster?LEONARD.  Please mind your own business.EUSTASIA.  No, I don’t think there’s anything else, thank you.NICHOLAS.  Well, I call that very unfair. I had one.LEONARD(asserting his rights as a husband).  Oh, did you? Well, in that case, Eustasia, I certainly don’t seewhy——LATIMER(toDOMINIC). Two mustard-plasters. We mustn’t grudge his lordship anything.DOMINIC.  Yes, sir.[He retires.EUSTASIA(toLEONARD). Now come over here, darling,[150]away from the door. (She leads him to an arm-chair in the corner of the room) Lean on me.ANNE.  Surely one can walk with a cold in the head!NICHOLAS.  No, it’s very dangerous.LATIMER.  Nicholas speaks as an expert.EUSTASIA(settlingLEONARD). There! Is that comfy?LEONARD.  Thank you, Eustasia.EUSTASIA.  We’ll soon have you all right, dear.LEONARD(pressing her hand).  Thank you.LATIMER(after a little silence).  Well, as Nicholas said just now, “Here we all are, and we’ve got to make the best of it.” What are we all going to do?ANNE.  Please leave me out of it. (She is beaten, but that doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters now is to get out of this horrible house.) I can make my own arrangements. (She gives them a cool little bow as she goes out.) If you will excuse me.(DOMINICcomes in with a clinical thermometer on a tray.)DOMINIC.  I thought that her ladyship might require a thermometer for his lordship’s temperature.EUSTASIA.  Thank you. I think it would be safer just to take it. And I wondered if we couldn’t just put this screen round his lordship’s chair.DOMINIC.  Certainly, my lady, one can’t be too careful.(He helps her with it.)EUSTASIA.  Yes, that’s right.LATIMER(toNICHOLAS). Didyouhave the screen?NICHOLAS.  Oh, rather.LATIMER.  And the thermometer?NICHOLAS.  Yes.... Funny thing was I liked it just at first. I don’t mean the actual thermometer, I mean all the fussing.LATIMER.  It’s a wonderful invention, a cold in the[151]head. It finds you out. There’s nothing like it, Nicholas, nothing.EUSTASIA(toDOMINIC). Thank you. And you’re bringing the other things?DOMINIC.  Yes, my lady, as soon as ready.[He goes out.EUSTASIA.  Thank you. (ToLEONARD) Now, dear, under the tongue. (She puts it in his mouth.)LEONARD(mumbling).  I don’t think Iever——EUSTASIA.  No, dear, don’t try to talk.(And now it is the turn ofNICHOLAS.)NICHOLAS(coming close toLATIMER). Isay——LATIMER.  Well?NICHOLAS(indicating the screen).  I say, not too loud.LATIMER(in a whisper).  Well?NICHOLAS.  Well, what about it?LATIMER.  What about what?NICHOLAS.  I mean, where do I come in? As a man of honour, oughtn’t I to—er——You see what I mean? Of course I want to do the right thing.LATIMER.  Naturally, my dear Nicholas. It’s what one expected of you.NICHOLAS.  I thought that if I slipped away now, unostentatiously....LATIMER.  With just a parting word offarewell——NICHOLAS.  Well, that was what I was wondering. Would anything in the nature of a farewell be in good taste?LATIMER.  I see your point.NICHOLAS.  Don’t think that I’m not just as devoted to Eustasia as ever I was.LATIMER.  But you feel that in the circumstances you could worship her from afar with more propriety.NICHOLAS(waving a hand at the screen).  Yes. You see, I had no idea that they were so devoted.[152]LATIMER.  But their devotion may not last for ever.NICHOLAS.  Exactly. That’s why I thought I’d slip away now.LATIMER.  Oh, Nicholas! Oh, Nicholas!NICHOLAS(a little offended).  Well, I don’t want to say anything againstEustasia——LATIMER.  The house is full of people who don’t want to say anything against Eustasia.NICHOLAS.  But, yousee——Look out, here’s Miss Anne.ANNEcomes in.LATIMER.  Anne, you’re just in time. Nicholas wants your advice.NICHOLAS.  I say, shut up! We can’t verywell——ANNE(with all that is left of her dignity, but she is only a child after all).  Mr. Latimer, I went upstairs to get my things and find my way to the nearest railway station. But—but there is a reason why I am not going after all. Just yet. I thought I’d better tell you.LATIMER.  Were you really thinking of going? (She nods.) I’m so glad you’ve changed your mind.ANNE(with a smile).  There are reasons why I had to.LATIMER.  Bless them!... Nicholas, I believe she stayed just so that she might help you.ANNE.  What does Mr. Nicholas want?NICHOLAS.  I say, it’s awfully good of you and all that, but this is rather—I mean, it’s a question that a fellow ought to settle for himself.LATIMER.  What he means is, oughtheto get his things and find his way to the nearest railway station?ANNE(dismayed).  Oh no!LATIMER.  There you are, Nicholas.NICHOLAS(rather flattered).  Oh, well—well——(He looks at her admiringly) Well, perhaps you’re right.EUSTASIA(the three minutes up).  There! (She takes[153]the thermometer out and comes from behind the screen in order to get nearer the light.)LATIMER.  His temperature! This is an exciting moment in the history of the House of Lords. (He followsEUSTASIAto the window.)NICHOLAS(toANNE). I say, do you really think I ought to stay?ANNE.  Please, Mr. Nicholas, I want you to stay.NICHOLAS.  Righto! then I’ll stay.LATIMER(overEUSTASIA’Sshoulder).  A hundred and nine.LEONARD(putting his head round the screen).  I say, what ought it to be?NICHOLAS.  Ninety-eight.LEONARD.  Good Lord! I’m dying!EUSTASIA.  It’s just ninety-nine. A little over normal, Leonard, but nothing to matter.LATIMER.Ninety-nine—so it is. I should never have forgiven myself if it had been a hundred and nine.NICHOLAS(coming up toLATIMER). It’s all right, I’m going to.EUSTASIA(surprised).  Going to? Going to what?NICHOLAS(confused).  Oh, nothing.LATIMER.  What he means is that he is going to be firm. He thinks we all ought to have a little talk about things. Just to see where we are.EUSTASIA.  Well, things aren’t quite as they were, are they? If I’d known that Leonard was ill—but I’ve seen so little of him lately. And he’sneverbeen ill before!NICHOLAS.  Of course we ought to know where we are.LATIMER.  Yes. At present Leonard is behind that screen, which makes it difficult to discuss things properly. Leonard, couldyou——EUSTASIA.  Oh, we mustn’t take any risks! But if[154]we moved the screen a little, and all sat up at that end of theroom——LATIMER.  Delightful!NICHOLAS(leading the way).  Sit here, Miss Anne, won’t you?(They arrange themselves.LATIMERin the middle.)LATIMER.  There! Now, are we all here?... We are. Then with your permission, Ladies and Gentlemen, I will open the proceedings with a short speech.NICHOLAS.  Oh, I say, must you?LATIMER.  Certainly.EUSTASIA(toLEONARD). Hush, dear.LEONARD.  I didn’t say anything.EUSTASIA.  No, but you were just going to.LATIMER(severely).  Seeing that I refrained from making my speech when Leonard had the thermometer in his mouth, the least he can do now is to listen in silence.LEONARD.  Well,I’m——LATIMER.  I resume.... By a fortunate concatenation of circumstances, ladies and gentlemen—or, as more illiterate men would say, by a bit of luck—two runaway couples have met under my roof. No need to mention names. You can all guess for yourselves. But I call now—this is the end of my speech, Leonard—I call now upon my noble friend on the right to tell us just why he left the devoted wife by his side in order to travel upon the Continent.LEONARD.  Well,really——LATIMER.  Naturally Leonard does not wish to say anything against Eustasia. Very creditable to him. But can it be that the devoted wife by his side wishes to say anything against Leonard?EUSTASIA.  You neglected me, Leonard, you know you did. And when I was soill——[155]LEONARD.  My dear, you werealwaysill. That was the trouble.LATIMER.  And you were never ill, Leonard.Thatwas the trouble.... You heartless ruffian!EUSTASIA(toLEONARD). Hush, dear.LATIMER.  Why couldn’t you have had a cold sometimes? Why couldn’t you have come home with a broken leg, or lost your money, or made a rotten speech in the House of Lords? If she could never be sorry foryou, for whom else could she be sorry, except herself? (ToEUSTASIA) I don’t suppose he even lost his umbrella, did he?ANNE(feeling that anything is possible to a man who mislays his trousers).  Oh, he must have lost that.LATIMER.  Eustasia, ladies and gentlemen, is one of those dear women, those sweet women, those delightful women—(aside toANNE)—stop me if I’m overdoing it—those adorable women who must always cosset or be cosseted. She couldn’t cosset Leonard; Leonard wouldn’t cosset her. Hence—the Dover Road.EUSTASIA.  How well you understand, Mr. Latimer!LATIMER.  Enter, then, my friend Nicholas. (Shaking his head at him) Oh, Nicholas! Oh, Nicholas! Oh, Nicholas!NICHOLAS(uneasily).  What’s all that about?LATIMER.  Anything you say will be used in evidence against you. Proceed, my young friend.NICHOLAS.  Well—well—well—I mean, there she was.LATIMER.  Lonely.NICHOLAS.  Exactly.LATIMER.  Neglected by her brute of a husband—(AsLEONARDopens his mouth) fingers crossed, Leonard—who spent day and night rioting in the House of Lords while his poor little wife cried at home.NICHOLAS.Well——[156]LATIMER.  Then out spake bold Sir Nicholas—(Aside toANNE) This was also composed in my bath—Then out spake bold Sir Nicholas,An Oxford man was he;“Lo, I will write a note to-nightAnd ask her out to tea.”NICHOLAS.  Well, yousee——LATIMER.  I see, Nicholas.... And so here we all are.ANNE.  Except me.LATIMER.  I guessed at you, Anne. Did I guess right?ANNE(meekly).  Yes.LATIMER.  And so here we all are.... And what are we all going to do? My house is at your disposal for as long as you wish. The doors are open for those who wish to go.... Eustasia?EUSTASIA.  My duty is to stay here—to look after my husband.LATIMER.  Well, that settles Eustasia.... Anne?ANNE.  Of necessity I must stay here—for the present.LATIMER.  Well, that settles Anne.... Nicholas?NICHOLAS.  I stay here too—(looking atANNE) from choice.LATIMER.  Well, that settles Nicholas.... Leonard?(DOMINIC,followed by all the Staff, comes in, together with a collection of mustard-baths, plasters, eucalyptus, etc., etc.)LATIMER(looking round at the interruption).  Ah!... And this will settle Leonard.(It settles him.)

It is next morning.EUSTASIA,LEONARD’Swife (who should be sitting patiently at home wondering when he will return), is having breakfast with a harmless young man calledNICHOLAS.She is what people who talk like that call a “nice little thing,” near enough to thirty-five to begin to wish it were twenty-five. At present she is making a good deal of fuss over this dear boyNICHOLAS.Breakfast is practically over.NICHOLAS,in fact, is wiping his mouth.

It is next morning.EUSTASIA,LEONARD’Swife (who should be sitting patiently at home wondering when he will return), is having breakfast with a harmless young man calledNICHOLAS.She is what people who talk like that call a “nice little thing,” near enough to thirty-five to begin to wish it were twenty-five. At present she is making a good deal of fuss over this dear boyNICHOLAS.Breakfast is practically over.NICHOLAS,in fact, is wiping his mouth.

EUSTASIA.  Finished, darling?

NICHOLAS.  Yes, thank you, Eustasia.

EUSTASIA.  A little more toast?

NICHOLAS.  No, thank you, Eustasia.

EUSTASIA.  Just a little tiny teeny-weeny bit, if his Eustasia butters it for him?

NICHOLAS.  No, thank you. I’ve really finished.

EUSTASIA.  Another cup of coffee?

NICHOLAS(with a sigh).  No, thank you, Eustasia.

EUSTASIA.  Just a little bit of a cup if his Eustasia pours it out for her own Nicholas, and puts the sugar in with her own ickle fingers?

NICHOLAS.  No more coffee, thank you.

EUSTASIA.  Then he shall sit in a more comfy chair while he smokes his nasty, horrid pipe, which he loves so much better than his Eustasia. (He gets up[121]without saying anything.) He doesn’t really love it better?

NICHOLAS(laughing uneasily).  Of course he doesn’t.

EUSTASIA.  Kiss her to show that he doesn’t.

NICHOLAS(doing it gingerly).  You baby!

EUSTASIA.  And now give me your pipe. (He gives it to her reluctantly. She kisses it and gives it back to him.) There! And she doesn’t really think it’s a nasty, horrid pipe, and she’s ever so sorry she said so.... Oh! (She sees a dish of apples suddenly.)

NICHOLAS.  What is it?

EUSTASIA.  Nicholas never had an apple!

NICHOLAS.  Oh no, thanks, I don’t want one.

EUSTASIA.  Oh, but he must have an apple! It’s so good for him. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Youmustkeep the doctor away, darling, else poor Eustasia will be miserable.

NICHOLAS(with an effort).  I’ve finished my breakfast.

EUSTASIA.  Not even if his Eustasia peels it for him?

NICHOLAS.  No, thank you. I assure you that I have had all I want.

EUSTASIA.  Sure?

NICHOLAS.  Quite sure, thank you. Where are you going to sit?

EUSTASIA(indicating the sofa).  Nicholas sit there and Eustasia sit next to him.

NICHOLAS(without much enthusiasm).  Right. (They sit down.)

EUSTASIA.  Shall Eustasia fill his pipe for him? (She takes it.)

NICHOLAS(taking it back).  No, thank you. It is filled. (They are silent for a little, and at last he speaks uncomfortably) Er—Eustasia.

EUSTASIA.  Yes, darling.

NICHOLAS.  We’ve been here a week.

[122]EUSTASIA.  Yes, darling. A wonderful, wonderful week. And now to-day we leave this dear house where we have been so happy together, and go out into the worldtogether——

NICHOLAS(who has not been listening to her).  A week. Except for the first day, we have had all our meals alone together.

EUSTASIA(sentimentally).  Alone, Nicholas.

NICHOLAS.  Four meals a day—that’s twenty-four meals.

EUSTASIA.  Twenty-four!

NICHOLAS.  And at every one of those meals you have asked me at least four times to have something more, when I had already said that I didn’t want anything more; or, in other words, you have forced me to say “No, thank you, Eustasia,” ninety-six times when there was absolutely no need for it.

EUSTASIA(hurt).  Nicholas!

NICHOLAS(inexorably).  We are both young. I am twenty-six, youare——

EUSTASIA(hopefully).  Twenty-five.

NICHOLAS(looking at her quickly and then away again).  You are twenty-five. If all goes well, we may look to have fifty years more together. Say two thousand five hundred weeks. Multiply that by a hundred, and we see that in the course of our joint lives you will, at the present rate, force me to say “No, thank you, Eustasia,” two hundred and fifty thousand times more than is necessary. (He relights his pipe.)

EUSTASIA(pathetically).  Nicholas! (She applies her handkerchief.)

NICHOLAS.  I wondered if we couldn’t come to some arrangement about it. That’s all.

EUSTASIA.  You’re cruel! Cruel! (She sobs piteously.)

[123]NICHOLAS(doggedly).  I just wondered if we couldn’t come to some arrangement.

EUSTASIA(completely overcome).  Oh! Oh! Nicholas! My darling!

(NICHOLAS,his hands clenched, looks grimly in front of him. He winces now and then at her sobs. He tries desperately hard not to give way, but in the end they are too much for him.)

NICHOLAS(putting his arms round her).  Darling! Don’t! (She goes on sobbing.) There! There! I’m sorry. Nicholas is sorry. I oughtn’t to have said it.Forgive me, darling.

EUSTASIA(between sobs).  It’s only because I love you so much, and w-want you to be well. And you m-must eat.

NICHOLAS.  Yes, yes, Eustasia, I know. It is dear of you.

EUSTASIA.  Ask any d-doctor. He would say you m-must eat.

NICHOLAS.  Yes, darling.

EUSTASIA.  You m-must eat.

NICHOLAS(resignedly).  Yes, darling.

EUSTASIA(sitting up and wiping her eyes).  What’s a wife for, if it isn’t to look after her husband when he’s ill, and to see that he eats?

NICHOLAS.  All right, dear, we won’t say anything more about it.

EUSTASIA.  And when you had that horrid cold and were so ill, the first day after we came here, I did look after you, didn’t I, Nicholas, and take care of you and make you well again?

NICHOLAS.  You did, dear. Don’t think I am not grateful. You were very kind. (Wincing at the recollection) Too kind.

[124]EUSTASIA.  Not too kind, darling. I love looking after you, and doing things for you, and taking care of you, and cosseting you. (Thoughtfully to herself) Leonard wasneverill.

NICHOLAS.  Leonard?

EUSTASIA.  My husband.

NICHOLAS.  Oh!... I’d never thought of him as Leonard. I prefer not to think about him. I’ve never seen him, and I don’t want to talk about him.

EUSTASIA.  No, darling.Idon’t want to either.

NICHOLAS.  We’ve taken the plunge and—(bravely) and we’re not going back on it.

EUSTASIA(surprised).  Darling!

NICHOLAS.  As a man of honourI——Besides, you can’t go back now—I mean I took you away,and——Well, here we are. (With determination) Here we are.

EUSTASIA.  Darling, you aren’t regretting?

NICHOLAS(hastily).  No, no! (She takes out her handkerchief ominously.) No, no, no! (She begins to sob.)No! No!(He is almost shouting.) Eustasia, listen! I love you! I’mnotregretting! I’veneverbeen so happy! (She is sobbing tumultuously.) So happy, Eustasia! I have never, never been so happy!Can’tyou hear?

EUSTASIA(throwing herself into his arms).  Darling!

NICHOLAS.  There, there!

EUSTASIA(drying her eyes).  Oh, Nicholas, you frightened me so! Just for a moment I was afraid you were regretting.

NICHOLAS.  No, no!

EUSTASIA.  How right Mr. Latimer was!

NICHOLAS(with conviction).  He was indeed.

EUSTASIA.  How little we really knew of each other when you asked me to come away with you!

NICHOLAS.  How little!

[125]EUSTASIA.  But this week has shown us to each other as we really are.

NICHOLAS.  It has.

EUSTASIA.  And now I feel absolutely safe. We are ready to face the world together, Nicholas. (She sighs and leans back happily in his arms.)

NICHOLAS.  Ready to face the world together.

(He has his pipe in his right hand, which is round her waist. Her eyes are closed, her left hand, encircling his neck, holds his left hand. He tries to bend his head down so as to get hold of his pipe with his teeth. Several times he tries and just misses it. Each time he pulls her a little closer to him, and she sighs happily. At last he gets hold of it. He leans back with a gasp of relief.)

EUSTASIA(still with her eyes closed).  What is it, darling?

NICHOLAS.  Nothing, Eustasia, nothing. Just happiness.

(But they are not to be alone with it for long, forMR. LATIMERcomes in.)

LATIMER.  Good morning, my friends, good morning.

(They move apart andNICHOLASjumps up.)

NICHOLAS.  Oh, good morning.

EUSTASIA.  Good morning.

LATIMER.  So you are leaving me this morning and going on your way?

NICHOLAS(without enthusiasm).  Yes.

EUSTASIA.  But we shall never forget this week, dear Mr. Latimer.

LATIMER.  You have forgiven me for asking you to wait a little so as to make sure?

EUSTASIA.  Oh, but you were so right! I was just saying so to Nicholas. Wasn’t I, Nicholas?

[126]NICHOLAS.  Yes. About a minute ago. About two minutes ago.

LATIMER.  And so now you are sure of yourselves?

EUSTASIA.  Oh, so sure, so very sure. Aren’t we, Nicholas?

NICHOLAS.  Absolutely sure.

LATIMER.  That’s right. (Looking at his watch) Well, I don’t want to hurry you, but if you have any little things to do, the car will be here in half an hour,and——

EUSTASIA.  Half an hour? Oh, I must fly. (She begins.)

NICHOLAS(not moving).  Yes, we must fly.

LATIMER(going to the door withEUSTASIA). By the way, you will be interested to hear that I had two other visitors last night.

EUSTASIA(stopping excitedly).  Mr. Latimer! You don’t mean another—couple?

LATIMER.  Yes, another romantic couple.

EUSTASIA.  Oh, if I could but see them before we go! Just for a moment! Just to reconcile them to this week of probation! To tell them what a wonderful week it can be!

LATIMER.  You shall. I promise you that you shall.

EUSTASIA.  Oh, thank you, dear Mr. Latimer!

(He goes to the door with her. As he comes back,NICHOLASis coming slowly towards him.)

NICHOLAS.  I say?

LATIMER.  Yes?

NICHOLAS(thoughtfully).  I say, what wouldyou—I mean—supposing——Because you see—I mean, it isn’t asif——Of course,now——(He looks at his watch and finishes up sadly) Half an hour. Well, I suppose I must be getting ready. (He goes towards the door.)

LATIMER(as he gets there).  Er—Nicholas.

[127]NICHOLAS.  Yes?

LATIMER.  Just a moment.

NICHOLAS(coming back to him).  Yes?

(LATIMERtakes him by the arm, and looks round the room to see that they are alone.)

LATIMER(in a loud whisper).  Cheer up!

NICHOLAS(excitedly).  What?

(LATIMERhas let go of his arm and moved away, humming casually to himself. The light dies out ofNICHOLAS’eyes, and he shrugs his shoulders despairingly.)

NICHOLAS(without any hope).  Well, I’ll go and get ready.

[He goes out.

(DOMINICcomes in and begins to rearrange the breakfast-table.)

LATIMER.  Ah, good morning, Dominic.

DOMINIC.  Good morning, sir. A nicish morning it seems to be, sir.

LATIMER.  A very nicish morning. I have great hopes of the world to-day.

DOMINIC.  I am very glad to hear it, sir.

LATIMER.  We must all do what we can, Dominic.

DOMINIC.  That’s the only way, isn’t it, sir?

LATIMER.  Great hopes, great hopes.

DOMINIC(handing him “The Times”).  The paper, sir.

LATIMER.  Thank you. (He looks at the front page).  Any one married this morning? Dear me, quite a lot. One, two, three, four ... ten. Ten! Twenty happy people, Dominic!

DOMINIC.  Let us hope so, sir.

LATIMER.  Let us hope so.... By the way, how was his lordship this morning?

DOMINIC.  A little depressed, sir.

LATIMER.  Ah!

DOMINIC.  There seems to have been some misunderstanding[128]about his luggage. A little carelessness on the part of somebody, I imagine, sir.

LATIMER.  Dear me! Didn’t it come with him?

DOMINIC.  I’m afraid not, sir.

LATIMER.  Tut, tut, how careless of somebody. Can’t we lend him anything?

DOMINIC.  Joseph offered to lend him a comb, sir—his own comb—a birthday present last year, Joseph tells me. His lordship decided not to avail himself of the offer.

LATIMER.  Very generous of Joseph, seeing that it was a birthday present.

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir. Unfortunately Joseph had come down to the last blade of his safety razor this morning.His lordship is rather upset about the whole business, sir.

LATIMER.  Well, well, I daresay a little breakfast will do him good.

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir. Are you ready for breakfast now, sir?

(ANNEcomes in. All this is rather fun. She is not so sure ofLEONARDnow, butLEONARDdoesn’t matter. Dover is a long way off. Meanwhile this is fun. The jolly house, the excitement of not knowing what will happen next; andMR. LATIMER—to be put in his place.)

LATIMER(getting up and going to her).  Good morning, Anne. May I hope that you slept well?

ANNE.  Very well, thank you.

LATIMER.  I am so glad.... All right, Dominic.

DOMINIC.  Thank you, sir.

[He goes out.

LATIMER.  You are ready for breakfast?

ANNE.  Quite ready. But what about Leonard?

LATIMER.  Leonard?

ANNE.  I made sure that I was to have a practice[129]breakfast with Leonard this morning. I have been thinking of a few things to say up in my room.

LATIMER(smiling).  Say them to me instead.

ANNE.  They are very wifely. (She sits down.)

LATIMER.  But think what good practice.

ANNE.  Very well. (At the cups) Tea or coffee, darling?

LATIMER.  Oh no, that will never do. You know by now that I always have coffee—half milk and three lumps of sugar.

ANNE.  Of course, how silly of me. (She pours out the coffee.)

LATIMER(taking the covers off the dishes).  Omelette—fish—kidney and bacon?

ANNE.  Nowyou’reforgetting.

LATIMER(putting back the covers).  No, I’m remembering. Toast and marmalade—isn’t that right?

ANNE.  Quite right, dear.

LATIMER(to himself).  I knew she would like marmalade. No wonder that Leonard ran away with her. (He puts the toast and marmalade close to her.)

ANNE.  Your coffee, darling.

LATIMER.  Thank you, my love.... “My love” is very connubial, I think.

ANNE.  Delightfully so. Do go on.

LATIMER.  Er—I am sorry to see in the paper this morning—which I glanced at, my precious, before you camedown——How do you like “My precious”?

ANNE.  Wonderfully life-like. Are you sure you haven’t been married before?

LATIMER.  Only once. Eustasia. You had not forgotten, Eustasia?

ANNE.  I am afraid I had. In fact, I had forgotten for the moment that you were being Leonard.

LATIMER(bowing).  Thank you. I could wish no better compliment.

[130]ANNE(laughing in spite of herself).  Oh, you’re too absurd.

LATIMER(inLEONARD’Smanner).  Of course I don’t wish to say anything againstEustasia——

ANNE.  My dear Leonard, I really think we might leave your first wife out of it.

LATIMER.  Yes, you want to get that off pat. You’ll have to say that a good deal, I expect. Well, to resume. I am sorry to see in the paper this morning that Beelzebub, upon whom I laid my shirt for the 2.30 race at Newmarket yesterday—and incidentally your shirt too, darling—came in last, some five minutes after the others had finished the course.... Tut, tut, how annoying!

ANNE.  Oh, my poor darling!

LATIMER.  The word “poor” is well chosen. We are ruined. I shall have to work.

ANNE.  You know what Iwantyou to do, Leonard?

LATIMER.  No, I have forgotten.

ANNE(seriously).  I should like to see you in the House of Lords, taking your rightful place as a leader of men, making great speeches.

LATIMER.  My dear Anne! I may be a peer, but I am not a dashed politician.

ANNE(wistfully).  I wish you were, Leonard.

LATIMER.  I will be anything you like, Anne. (He leans towards her, half-serious, half-mocking.)

ANNE(with a little laugh).  How absurd you are! Some more coffee?

LATIMER(passing his cup).  To which I answer, “A little more milk.” Do you realise that this goes on for fifty years?

ANNE.  Well, and why not?

LATIMER.  Fifty years. A solemn thought. But do not let it mar our pleasure in the meal that we are[131]having together now. Let us continue to talk gaily together. Tell me of any interesting dream you may have had last night—any little adventure that befell you in the bath—any bright thought that occurred to you as you were dressing.

ANNE(thoughtfully).  I had a very odd dream last night.

LATIMER.  I am longing to hear it, my love.

ANNE.  I dreamt that you and I were running away together, Leonard, and that we lost our way and came to what we thought was an hotel. But it was not an hotel. It was a very mysterious house, kept by a very mysterious man called Mr. Latimer.

LATIMER.  How very odd. Latimer? Latimer? No, I don’t seem to have heard of the fellow.

ANNE.  He told us that we were his prisoners. That we must stay in his house a week before we went on our way again. That all the doors were locked, and there were high walls round the garden, that the gates from the garden were locked, so that we could not escape, and that we must wait a week together in his house to see if we were really suited to each other.

LATIMER.  My dear, what an extraordinary dream!

ANNE.  Itwasonly a dream, wasn’t it?

LATIMER.  Of course! What is there mysterious about this house? What is there mysterious about this—er—Mr. Latimer? And as for any one being kept prisoner—here—in this respectable England—why!

ANNE.  It is absurd, isn’t it?

LATIMER.  Quite ridiculous.

ANNE(getting up—now she will show him).  I thought it was. (She goes to the front door and turns the handle. To her surprise the door opens. ButMR. LATIMERmustn’t know that she is surprised.) You see, I thought it was You see, the gates are open too! (She comes back.) What an absurd dream to have had! (She sits down again.)

LATIMER.  There’s no accounting for dreams. I had an absurd one too last night.

ANNE.  What was it?

LATIMER.  A lonely house. Father and daughter living together. Father old, selfish, absorbed in his work. Daughter left to herself; her only companion, books; knowing nothing of the world. A man comes into her life—the first. He makes much of her. It is a new experience for the daughter. She is grateful to him, so grateful, so very proud that she means anything to him. He tells her when it is too late that he is married; talks of an impossible wife; tells her that she is his real mate. Let her come with him and see something of the world which she has never known. She comes.... Dear me, what silly things one dreams!

ANNE.  Absurd things.... (So he knows! He knows all about it! But she will not be treated as a child. She will carry it off yet.) When can we have the car? (Now she is carrying it off.)

LATIMER.  The car?

ANNE.  Leonard’s car.

LATIMER.  You wish to continue the adventure?

ANNE.  Why not?

LATIMER.  Dear, dear! What a pity! (Looking at his watch.) In twenty-five minutes?

ANNE.  That will do nicely, thank you.

LATIMER.  We must let Leonard have a little breakfast first, if he is to cross the Channel to-day. (He gets up.) In twenty-five minutes then.

ANNE(half holding out her hand).  I shall see you again?

[133]LATIMER(bending over it).  If only to wish you Godspeed.

(She looks at him for a moment, and then turns and goes out. He picks up his paper and settles with it in an arm-chair, his back to the breakfast-table.LEONARDcomes in. He is in a dirty, rather disreputable, once white, bath-gown. His hair is unbrushed, his cheeks—the cheeks of a dark man—unshaved and blue. He has a horrible pair of bedroom slippers on his feet, above which, not only his socks, but almost a hint of pantaloons, may be seen on the way to the dressing-gown. He comes in nervously, and is greatly relieved to find that the breakfast-table is empty. He does not noticeMR. LATIMER.On his way to the table he stops at a mirror on the wall, and standing in front of it, tries to persuade himself that his chin is not so bad after all. Then he pours himself out some coffee, helps himself to a kipper and falls to ravenously.)

LATIMER.  Ah, good morning, Leonard.

LEONARD(starting violently and turning round).  Good Lord! I didn’t know you were there.

LATIMER.  You were so hungry.... I trust you slept well.

LEONARD.  Slept well! Of all the damned draughtyrooms——Yes, and what about my luggage?

LATIMER(surprised).  Your luggage?

LEONARD.  Yes, never put on the car, your fellow, what’s ’is name—Joseph says.

LATIMER.  Dear me, we must enquire into this. Lost your luggage? Dear me, that’s a very unfortunate start for a honeymoon. That means bad luck, Leonard. (DOMINICcomes in.) Dominic, what’s this about his lordship’s luggage?

[134]DOMINIC.  Joseph tells me there must have been some misunderstanding about it, sir. A little carelessness on the part of somebody, I imagine, sir.

LATIMER.  Dear me! Didn’t it come with him?

DOMINIC.  I’m afraid not, sir.

LATIMER.  Tut, tut, how careless of somebody! Thank you, Dominic.

DOMINIC.  Thank you, sir.

[He goes out.

LATIMER.  Lost your luggage. How excessively annoying! (Anxiously) My dear Leonard, what is it?

LEONARD(whose face has been shaping for it for some seconds) A-tish-oo!

LATIMER.  At any rate I can find you a handkerchief. (He does so.LEONARDtakes it just in time, and sneezes violently again.)

LEONARD.  Thank you.

LATIMER.  Not at all. That’s a very nasty cold you’ve got. How wise of you to have kept on a dressing-gown.

LEONARD.  The only thing I had to put on.

LATIMER.  But surely you were travelling in a suit yesterday? I seem to remember a brown suit.

LEONARD.  That fool of a man ofyours——

LATIMER(distressed).  You don’t mean to tellme——(DOMINICcomes in.) Dominic, what’s this about his lordship’s brown suit?

DOMINIC.  Owing to a regrettable misunderstanding, sir, his lordship’sluggage——

LATIMER.  Yes, but I’m not talking about his twenty-five other suits, I mean the nice brown suit that he was wearing yesterday. It must be somewhere. I remember noticing it. Iremember——(He holds up his hand) Just a moment,Dominic——

LEONARD.  A-tish-oo!

LATIMER.  I remember saying to myself, “What a[135]nice brown suit Leonard is wearing.” Well, where is it, Dominic?

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir. I seem to remember the suit to which you are referring. I regret to say that Joseph had an unfortunate accident with it.

LEONARD(growling).  Damned carelessness.

DOMINIC.  Joseph was bringing back the clothes after brushing them, sir, and happened to have them in his arms while bending over the bath in order to test the temperature of the water for his lordship. A little surprised by the unexpected heat of the water, Joseph relinquished the clothes for a moment, and precipitated them into the bath.

LATIMER.  Dear me, how extremely careless of Joseph!

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir, I have already reprimanded him.

LEONARD.  The fellow ought to be shot.

LATIMER.  You’re quite right, Leonard. Dominic, shoot Joseph this morning.

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir.

LATIMER.  And see that his lordship’s suit is dried as soon as possible.

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir. It is being dried now, sir.

LATIMER.  But it must be dried thoroughly, Dominic. His lordship has a nasty cold,and——

LEONARD.  A-tish-oo!

LATIMER.  A very nasty one. I’m afraid you are subject to colds, Leonard?

LEONARD.  The first one I’ve ever had in my life.

LATIMER.  Do you hear that, Dominic? The first one he’s ever had in his life.

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir. If you remember, sir, Mr. Nicholas, and one or two other gentlemen who have slept there, caught a very nasty cold. Almost looks[136]as if there must be something the matter with the room.

LEONARD.  Damned draughtiestroom——

LATIMER.  Dear me! You should have told me of this before. We must have the room seen to at once. And be sure that his lordship has a different room to-night.

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir; thank you, sir.

[He goes out.

LATIMER(sympathetically).  My dear fellow, I am distressed beyond words. But you know the saying, “Feed a cold, starve a fever.” You must eat, you must eat. (He pushes all the dishes round Leonard.) We must be firm with this cold. We must suffocate it. (Pressing more dishes upon him.) You were quite right not to shave. The protection offered by the beard, though small, is salutary. But I was forgetting—perhaps your razor is lost too?

LEONARD.  Damned careless fellows!

LATIMER.  I must lend you mine.

LEONARD(feeling his chin).  I say, I wish you would.

LATIMER.  I will get it at once. Meanwhile, eat. No half measures with this cold of yours. My poor fellow!

(He hurries out. Just asLEONARDis getting busy with his breakfast again,ANNEcomes in.)

ANNE.  Leonard, my dear! (She observes him more thoroughly) MydearLeonard!

LEONARD(his mouth full).  G’morning, Anne.

ANNE(coldly).  Good morning.

LEONARD(getting up, napkin in hand).  How are you this morning? (He comes towards her, wiping his mouth.)

ANNE.  No, please go on with your breakfast. (In alarm) What is it?

(His face assumes an agonized expression. He sneezes.ANNEshudders.)

[137]LEONARD.  Got a nasty cold. Can’t understand it. First I’ve ever had in my life.

ANNE.  Do you sneeze like that much?

LEONARD.  Off and on.

ANNE.  Oh!... Hadn’t you better get on with your breakfast?

LEONARD.  Well, I will if you don’t mind. Good thing for a cold, isn’t it? Eat a lot.

ANNE.  I really know very little about colds.... Do get on with your breakfast.

LEONARD(going back).  Well, I will, if you don’t mind. You had yours?

ANNE.  Yes.

LEONARD.  That’s right. (Resuming it) Did you have one of these kippers?

ANNE.  No.

LEONARD.  Ah! A pity. I will say that for Latimer’s cook. She knows how to do a kipper. Much more difficult than people think.

ANNE.  I really know very little about kippers.

LEONARD.  I have often wondered why somebody doesn’t invent one without bones. (He takes a mouthful.) Seeing what science can donowadays——(He stops.ANNE’Seye is on him. He says nothing, but waves his hand for her to look the other way.)

ANNE.  What is it? (He frowns fiercely and continues to wave. She turns away coldly.) I beg your pardon. (He removes a mouthful of bones.)

LEONARD(cheerfully).  Right oh, darling.... After all, what do theywantall these bones for? Other fish manage without them. (He continues his kipper.)

ANNE.  Leonard, when you can spare me a moment I should like to speak to you.

LEONARD(eating).  My darling, all my time is yours.

[138]ANNE.  I should like your undivided attention if I can have it.

LEONARD.  Fire away, darling, I’m listening.

ANNE(going up to him).  Have you finished your—kipper? (She takes the plate away) What are you going to have next?

LEONARD.  Well—what do you recommend?

ANNE(taking off a cover).  Omelette? I don’t think it has any bones.

LEONARD.  What’s in that other dish? (She takes off the cover.) Kidneys? What are the kidneys like?

ANNE.  Well, you can see what theylooklike.

LEONARD.  Did you try one?

ANNE(impatiently).  They’re delightful, I tried several. (She helps him) There! Got the toast? Butter? Salt? What is it?

LEONARD.  Pepper.

ANNE.  Pepper—there. Now have you got everything?

LEONARD.  Yes, thank you, my dear. (He picks up his knife and fork.)

ANNE(putting them down again).  Then before you actually begin, I have something I want to say to you.

LEONARD.  You’re very mysterious. What is it?

ANNE.  There is nothing mysterious about it at all. It’s perfectly plain and obvious. Only I do want you to grasp it.

LEONARD.  Well? (He blows his nose. She waits for him to finish.) Well? (He is still flourishing his handkerchief. She waits patiently. He puts it back in his pocket.) Well?

ANNE.  The car will be here in a quarter of an hour.

LEONARD.  The car?

ANNE.  The automobile.

LEONARD.  But whose?

[139]ANNE.  Ours. More accurately, yours.

LEONARD.  But what for?

ANNE(patiently).  We are running away together, dear. You and I. It had slipped your memory perhaps, but I assure you it is a fact. The car will take us to Dover, and the boat will take us to Calais, and the train will take us to the South of France. You and I, dear. When you’ve finished your breakfast.

LEONARD.  But what about Latimer?

ANNE.  Just you and I, dear. Two of us only. The usual number. We shall not take Mr. Latimer.

LEONARD.  My dear Anne, you seem quite to have forgotten that this confounded fellow Latimer has got us prisoners here until he chooses to let us go. (With dignity)Ihave not forgotten. I eat his kidneys now, but he shall hear from me afterwards. Damned interference!

ANNE.  Have you been dreaming, Leonard?Beforeall these kippers and kidneys and things?

LEONARD.  Dreaming?

ANNE.  The car will be here in a quarter of an hour. Why not? It isyourcar. This is England; this is the twentieth century. We missed the boat and spent the night here. We go on our way this morning. Why not?

LEONARD.  Well, you know, I said last night it was perfectly ridiculous for Latimer to talk that way. I mean, what has it got to do withhim? Just a bit of leg-pulling—that’s what I felt all the time. Stupid joke. (Picking up his knife and fork) Bad taste too.

ANNE.  You did hear what I said, didn’t you? The car will be here in a quarter of an hour. I don’t know how long it takes you to—(she glances him over) to shave, and—and dress properly, and—and brush your hair, but I fancy you ought to be thinking about it[140]quite seriously. (Kindly) You can have some more kidneys another time.

LEONARD.  B-but I can’t possibly go like this.

ANNE.  No, that’s what I say.

LEONARD.  I mean I haven’t got any luggage for one thing—and, with a cold like this, I’m not at allsure——

ANNE.  You’ve lost your luggage?

LEONARD.  Apparently it was left behindby——

ANNE(with anger).  You let yourself be tricked and humiliated by this Mr. Latimer, you letmebe humiliated, and then when I say that, whatever happens, I won’t be humiliated, you—you lose your luggage!

LEONARD.Ididn’t lose it. It just happens tobelost.

ANNE.  And you catch a cold!

LEONARD.Ididn’t catch it. It caughtme.

ANNE.  The—the humiliation of it!... And what do you propose to do now?

LEONARD.  As soon as my luggage turns up, and I am well enough totravel——

ANNE.  Meanwhile you accept this man’shospitality——

LEONARD.  Under protest. (Helping himself from the dish.) I shall keep a careful account of everything that we havehere——

ANNE.  Well, that’s your third kidney; you’d better make a note of it.

LEONARD(with dignity).  As it happens I was helping myself to a trifle more bacon.... As I say, I shall keep a careful account, and send him a cheque for our board and lodging as soon as we have left his roof.

ANNE.  Oh!... I had some coffee and one slice of toast and a little marmalade. About a spoonful. And a cup of tea and two thin slices of bread and butter upstairs. Oh, and I’ve had two baths. They’re extra, aren’t they? A hot one last night and a cold[141]one this morning. I think that’s all. Except supper last night, and you wouldn’t let me finish that, so I expect there’ll be a reduction.... You want a note-book with one of those little pencils in it.

LEONARD(reproachfully).  I say, Anne, lookhere——

ANNE.  Do go on with your breakfast.

LEONARD.  You’re being awfully unfair. How can we possibly go now? Why, I haven’t even got a pair of trousers to put on.

ANNE.  You’re not going to say you’ve lost those too!

LEONARD(sulkily).  It’s not my fault. That fellow—What’s ’isname——

ANNE(wonderingly).  What made you everthinkthat you could take anybody to the South of France? Without any practice at all?... Now, if you had been taking an aunt to Hammersmith—well, you might have lost a bus or two ... and your hat might have blown off ... and you would probably have found yourselves at Hampstead the first two or three times ... and your aunt would have stood up the whole way ... but still you might have got there eventually. I mean, it would be worth trying—if your aunt was very anxious to get to Hammersmith. But the South of France! My dear Leonard! It’s so audacious of you.

LEONARD(annoyed).  Now, look here,Anne——

(MR. LATIMERcomes in cheerily with shaving-pot, brush, safety-razor, and towel.)

LATIMER.  Now then, Leonard, we’ll soon have you all right. (He puts the things down.) Ah, Anne! You don’t mind waiting while Leonard has a shave? He wanted to grow a special beard for the Continent, but I persuaded him not to. The French accent will be quite enough. (Picking up the razor) Do you mind Wednesday’s blade? I used Tuesday’s myself this morning.

[142]ANNE(all sweetness in a moment).  Oh, Mr. Latimer, I find that we shall not want the car after all.

LATIMER.  No?

ANNE.  No. Poor Leonard is hardly well enough to travel. I hope that by to-morrow,perhaps——But I am afraid that we must trespass on your hospitality until then. I am so sorry.

LATIMER.  But I am charmed to have you. Let me tell your maid to unpack.

ANNE.  Don’t trouble, thanks. I’ve got to take my hat off. (Very lovingly forLATIMER’Sbenefit) I shan’t be a moment, Leonard darling.

(She goes out, her chin in the air. She is still carrying it off.)

LATIMER.  Now then, Leonard darling, to work.

LEONARD(picking up the things).  Thanks.

LATIMER.  But where are you going?

LEONARD.  Upstairs, of course.

LATIMER.  Is that wise? With a cold like yours?

LEONARD.  Damn it, I can’t shave down here.

LATIMER.  Oh, come, we mustn’t stand on ceremony when your life is at stake. You were complaining only five minutes ago of the draught in your room. Now, here we have a nice eventemperature——

LEONARD.  Well, there’s something in that.

LATIMER.  There’s everything in it. Of course you’ve never had a cold before, so you don’t know, but any doctor will tell you how important it is to stay in one room—with a nice even temperature. You mustn’t dream of going upstairs.

LEONARD(surrendering).Well——

LATIMER.  That’s right. Got everything you want? There are plenty of mirrors. Which period do you prefer? Queen Anne?

LEONARD.  It’s all right, thanks.

[143]LATIMER.  Good. Then I’ll leave you to it.

(He goes out. Standing in front of a glass on the wall,LEONARDapplies the soap. His cheeks are just getting beautifully creamy whenNICHOLASenters.)

NICHOLAS.  Hallo!

LEONARD(looking round).  Hallo!

NICHOLAS.  Shaving?

LEONARD(exasperated).  Well, what the devil did you think I was doing?

NICHOLAS.  Shaving. (He sits down.LEONARDgets on with the good work.)

LEONARD.  A-tish-oo!

NICHOLAS.  Got a cold?

LEONARD.  Obviously.

NICHOLAS(sympathetically).  Horrid, sneezing when you’re all covered with soap.

LEONARD.  Look here, I didn’t ask for your company, and I don’t want your comments.

NICHOLAS.  Well, if it comes to that, I was here first, and I didn’t ask you to shave in the hall.

LEONARD(with dignity).  There are reasons why it is necessary for me to shave in the hall.

NICHOLAS.  Don’t bother to tell me. I know ’em.

LEONARD.  What do you mean?

NICHOLAS.  You’re the couple that arrived last night.

LEONARD(looking at him, thoughtfully).  And you’re the couple that is leaving this morning.

NICHOLAS.  Exactly.

LEONARD.  Yes, but I don’tsee——

NICHOLAS.  You haven’t tumbled to it yet?

LEONARD.  Tumbled to what?

NICHOLAS.  The fact that a week ago there were reasons why it was necessary formeto shave in the hall.

LEONARD.  You!... You don’tmean——

[144]NICHOLAS.  Yes, I do.

LEONARD.  You lost your luggage?

NICHOLAS.  Yes.

LEONARD.  You woke up with a cold?

NICHOLAS.  Yes.... Horrid, sneezing when you’re all covered with soap.

LEONARD(excitedly).  I say, that fellow—what’s ’is name—didn’t dropyourclothes in the bath?

NICHOLAS.  Oh, rather.... Damned smart chap, Latimer.

LEONARD.  Damned scoundrel.

NICHOLAS.  Oh no. He’s quite right. One learns a lot down here.

LEONARD.  I shall leave his house at once ... as soon as I have shaved.

NICHOLAS.  You still want to? (LEONARDlooks at him in surprise) Oh, well, you’ve hardly been here long enough, I suppose.

LEONARD.  What do you mean? Don’tyouwant to any more?

NICHOLAS.  Latimer’s quite right, you know. One learns a lot down here.

LEONARD(shaving).  What about the lady?

NICHOLAS.  That’s the devil of it.

LEONARD.  My dear fellow, as a man of honour, you’re bound to go on.

NICHOLAS.  As a man of honour, ought I ever to have started?

LEONARD(little knowing).  Naturally I can’t give an opinion on that.

NICHOLAS.  No.... You want to be careful with that glass. The light isn’t too good. I should go over it all again.

LEONARD(stiffly).  Thank you. I am accustomed to shaving myself.

[145]NICHOLAS.  I was just offering a little expert advice. You needn’t take it.

LEONARD(surveying himself doubtfully).  H’m, perhaps you’re right. (He lathers himself again. In the middle of it he stops and says) Curious creatures, women.

NICHOLAS.  Amazing.

LEONARD.  It’s a life’s work in itself trying to understand ’em. And then you’re no further.

NICHOLAS.  A week toldmeall I wanted to know.

LEONARD.  They’re so unexpected.

NICHOLAS.  So unreasonable.

LEONARD.  What was it the poet said about them?

NICHOLAS.  What didn’t he say?

LEONARD.  No,youknow the one I mean. How does it begin?... “O woman, in our hours ofease——”

NICHOLAS.  “Uncertain, coy and hard to please.”

LEONARD.  That’s it. Well, I grant youthat——

NICHOLAS.  Grant it me! I should think you do! They throw it at you with both hands.

LEONARD.  But in the next two lines he misses the point altogether. When—what is it?—“When pain and anguish wring thebrow——”

NICHOLAS(with feeling).  “A ministering angel thou.”

LEONARD.  Yes, and it’s a lie. It’s simply a lie.

NICHOLAS.  My dear fellow, it’s the truest thing anybody ever said. Only—only one gets too much of it.

LEONARD.  True? Nonsense!

NICHOLAS.  Evidently you don’t know anything about women.

LEONARD(indignantly).I!Not know anything about women!

NICHOLAS.  Well, you said yourself just now that you didn’t.

LEONARD.  I neversaid——What Isaid——

[146]NICHOLAS.  If you did know anything about ’em, you’d know that there’s nothing they like more than doing the ministering angel business.

LEONARD.  Ministering angel!

NICHOLAS.  Won’t you have a little more of this, and won’t you have a little more of that, and how is the poor cold to-day,and——

LEONARD.  You really think that women talk like that?

NICHOLAS.  How else do you think they talk?

LEONARD.  My dear fellow!... Why, I mean, just take my own case as an example. Here am I, with a very nasty cold, the first I’ve ever had in my life. I sit down for a bit of breakfast—not wanting it particularly, but feeling that, for the sake of my health, I ought to try and eat something. And what happens?

(LATIMERhas come in during this speech. He stops and listens to it.)

LATIMER(trying to guess the answer).  You eat too much.

LEONARD(turning round angrily).  Ah, so it’s you! You have come just in time, Mr. Latimer. I propose to leave your house at once.

LATIMER(surprised).  Not like that? Not with a little bit of soap behind the ear? (LEONARDhastily wipes it.) The other ear. (LEONARDwipes that one) That’s right.

LEONARD.  At once, sir.

NICHOLAS.  You’d better come with us. We’re just going.

LEONARD.  Thank you.

LATIMER.  Four of you. A nice little party.

ANNEcomes in.

LEONARD.  Anne, my dear, we are leaving the house at once. Are you ready?

[147]ANNE.But——

EUSTASIA(from outside).  Nich-o-las!

(LEONARDlooks up in astonishment.)

NICHOLAS(gloomily).  Hallo!

EUSTASIA.  Where are you?

NICHOLAS.  Here!

EUSTASIAcomes in.

EUSTASIA.  Are you ready, darling? (She stops on seeing them all, and looks from one to the other. She sees her husband) Leonard!

NICHOLAS(understanding).  Leonard!

LEONARD.  Eustasia!

ANNE.  Eustasia!

(They stare at each other—open-mouthed—all butMR. LATIMER.MR. LATIMERhas picked up “The Times,” and seems to have forgotten that they are there....)

ANNE(after hours and hours).  Oh, isn’t anybody going to say anything? Mr. Latimer, while Leonard is thinking of something, you might introduce me to his wife.

LATIMER(recalled suddenly from the leading article).  I beg your pardon! Eustasia, this is Anne.

ANNE.  How do you do? (Not that she minds.)

EUSTASIA.  How do you do? (Nor she.)

LATIMER.  Leonard, this is Nicholas.

NICHOLAS(nodding).  We’ve met. Quite old friends.

LEONARD(indignantly).  I repudiate the friendship. We met under false pretences. I—I—Well, upon my word, I don’t knowwhatto say.

NICHOLAS.  Then don’t say it, old boy. Here we all are, and we’ve got to make the best of it.

LEONARD.  I—I—a-tish-oo!

[148]EUSTASIA(alarmed).  Leonard, you have a cold?

NICHOLAS.  A very nasty cold.

ANNE(coldly).  It will be better when he has finished his breakfast.

LEONARD(hurt).  Ihavefinished my breakfast. A long time ago.

ANNE.  I beg your pardon. (She indicates the towel round his neck) I misunderstood.

LEONARD(pulling it away).  I’ve been shaving.

EUSTASIA.  But, Leonard dear, I don’t understand. I’ve never known you ill before.

LEONARD.  I never have been ill before. But I am ill now. Very ill. And nobody minds. Nobody minds at all. This fellow Latimer invaygles me here—

LATIMER.  Inveegles.

LEONARD.  I shall pronounce it how I like. It is quite time I asserted myself. I have been too patient. You invaygle me here and purposely give me a cold. You—(pointing accusingly toANNE)—are entirely unmoved by my sufferings, instead of which you make fun of the very simple breakfast which I had forced myself to eat. You—(toNICHOLAS)—run away with my wife, at a time when I am ill and unable to protect her, and you—(toEUSTASIA)—well, all I can say is that you surprise me, Eustasia, you surprise me. I didn’t think you had it in you.

LATIMER.  A masterly summing up of the case. Well, I hope you’re all ashamed of yourselves.

EUSTASIA.  But, Leonard, how rash of you tothinkof running away with a cold like this. (She goes up and comforts him) You must take care of yourself—Eustasia will take care of you and get you well. Poor boy! He had a nasty, nasty cold, and nobody looked after him. Mr. Latimer, I shall want some mustard, and hot water, and eucalyptus.

[149]LATIMER.  But of course!

LEONARD(toANNE). There you are! As soon as somebody who really understands illness comes on the scene, you see what happens. Mustard, hot water, eucalyptus—she has it all at her finger-ends.

EnterDOMINIC.

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir?

LATIMER.  A small mustard and water for his lordship.

EUSTASIA.  It’s to put his feet in, not to drink.

LATIMER.  A large mustard and water.

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir.

EUSTASIA.  Hot water.

DOMINIC.  Yes, my lady.

EUSTASIA.  And if you have anyeucalyptus——

DOMINIC.  Yes, my lady; we got some in specially for his lordship.

LATIMER.  Did Mr. Nicholas absorb all the last bottle?

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir.

NICHOLAS(with feeling).  I fairly lived on it.

DOMINIC(toEUSTASIA). Is there anything else his lordship will require?

NICHOLAS.  What about a mustard-plaster?

LEONARD.  Please mind your own business.

EUSTASIA.  No, I don’t think there’s anything else, thank you.

NICHOLAS.  Well, I call that very unfair. I had one.

LEONARD(asserting his rights as a husband).  Oh, did you? Well, in that case, Eustasia, I certainly don’t seewhy——

LATIMER(toDOMINIC). Two mustard-plasters. We mustn’t grudge his lordship anything.

DOMINIC.  Yes, sir.

[He retires.

EUSTASIA(toLEONARD). Now come over here, darling,[150]away from the door. (She leads him to an arm-chair in the corner of the room) Lean on me.

ANNE.  Surely one can walk with a cold in the head!

NICHOLAS.  No, it’s very dangerous.

LATIMER.  Nicholas speaks as an expert.

EUSTASIA(settlingLEONARD). There! Is that comfy?

LEONARD.  Thank you, Eustasia.

EUSTASIA.  We’ll soon have you all right, dear.

LEONARD(pressing her hand).  Thank you.

LATIMER(after a little silence).  Well, as Nicholas said just now, “Here we all are, and we’ve got to make the best of it.” What are we all going to do?

ANNE.  Please leave me out of it. (She is beaten, but that doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters now is to get out of this horrible house.) I can make my own arrangements. (She gives them a cool little bow as she goes out.) If you will excuse me.

(DOMINICcomes in with a clinical thermometer on a tray.)

DOMINIC.  I thought that her ladyship might require a thermometer for his lordship’s temperature.

EUSTASIA.  Thank you. I think it would be safer just to take it. And I wondered if we couldn’t just put this screen round his lordship’s chair.

DOMINIC.  Certainly, my lady, one can’t be too careful.(He helps her with it.)

EUSTASIA.  Yes, that’s right.

LATIMER(toNICHOLAS). Didyouhave the screen?

NICHOLAS.  Oh, rather.

LATIMER.  And the thermometer?

NICHOLAS.  Yes.... Funny thing was I liked it just at first. I don’t mean the actual thermometer, I mean all the fussing.

LATIMER.  It’s a wonderful invention, a cold in the[151]head. It finds you out. There’s nothing like it, Nicholas, nothing.

EUSTASIA(toDOMINIC). Thank you. And you’re bringing the other things?

DOMINIC.  Yes, my lady, as soon as ready.

[He goes out.

EUSTASIA.  Thank you. (ToLEONARD) Now, dear, under the tongue. (She puts it in his mouth.)

LEONARD(mumbling).  I don’t think Iever——

EUSTASIA.  No, dear, don’t try to talk.

(And now it is the turn ofNICHOLAS.)

NICHOLAS(coming close toLATIMER). Isay——

LATIMER.  Well?

NICHOLAS(indicating the screen).  I say, not too loud.

LATIMER(in a whisper).  Well?

NICHOLAS.  Well, what about it?

LATIMER.  What about what?

NICHOLAS.  I mean, where do I come in? As a man of honour, oughtn’t I to—er——You see what I mean? Of course I want to do the right thing.

LATIMER.  Naturally, my dear Nicholas. It’s what one expected of you.

NICHOLAS.  I thought that if I slipped away now, unostentatiously....

LATIMER.  With just a parting word offarewell——

NICHOLAS.  Well, that was what I was wondering. Would anything in the nature of a farewell be in good taste?

LATIMER.  I see your point.

NICHOLAS.  Don’t think that I’m not just as devoted to Eustasia as ever I was.

LATIMER.  But you feel that in the circumstances you could worship her from afar with more propriety.

NICHOLAS(waving a hand at the screen).  Yes. You see, I had no idea that they were so devoted.

[152]LATIMER.  But their devotion may not last for ever.

NICHOLAS.  Exactly. That’s why I thought I’d slip away now.

LATIMER.  Oh, Nicholas! Oh, Nicholas!

NICHOLAS(a little offended).  Well, I don’t want to say anything againstEustasia——

LATIMER.  The house is full of people who don’t want to say anything against Eustasia.

NICHOLAS.  But, yousee——Look out, here’s Miss Anne.

ANNEcomes in.

LATIMER.  Anne, you’re just in time. Nicholas wants your advice.

NICHOLAS.  I say, shut up! We can’t verywell——

ANNE(with all that is left of her dignity, but she is only a child after all).  Mr. Latimer, I went upstairs to get my things and find my way to the nearest railway station. But—but there is a reason why I am not going after all. Just yet. I thought I’d better tell you.

LATIMER.  Were you really thinking of going? (She nods.) I’m so glad you’ve changed your mind.

ANNE(with a smile).  There are reasons why I had to.

LATIMER.  Bless them!... Nicholas, I believe she stayed just so that she might help you.

ANNE.  What does Mr. Nicholas want?

NICHOLAS.  I say, it’s awfully good of you and all that, but this is rather—I mean, it’s a question that a fellow ought to settle for himself.

LATIMER.  What he means is, oughtheto get his things and find his way to the nearest railway station?

ANNE(dismayed).  Oh no!

LATIMER.  There you are, Nicholas.

NICHOLAS(rather flattered).  Oh, well—well——(He looks at her admiringly) Well, perhaps you’re right.

EUSTASIA(the three minutes up).  There! (She takes[153]the thermometer out and comes from behind the screen in order to get nearer the light.)

LATIMER.  His temperature! This is an exciting moment in the history of the House of Lords. (He followsEUSTASIAto the window.)

NICHOLAS(toANNE). I say, do you really think I ought to stay?

ANNE.  Please, Mr. Nicholas, I want you to stay.

NICHOLAS.  Righto! then I’ll stay.

LATIMER(overEUSTASIA’Sshoulder).  A hundred and nine.

LEONARD(putting his head round the screen).  I say, what ought it to be?

NICHOLAS.  Ninety-eight.

LEONARD.  Good Lord! I’m dying!

EUSTASIA.  It’s just ninety-nine. A little over normal, Leonard, but nothing to matter.

LATIMER.Ninety-nine—so it is. I should never have forgiven myself if it had been a hundred and nine.

NICHOLAS(coming up toLATIMER). It’s all right, I’m going to.

EUSTASIA(surprised).  Going to? Going to what?

NICHOLAS(confused).  Oh, nothing.

LATIMER.  What he means is that he is going to be firm. He thinks we all ought to have a little talk about things. Just to see where we are.

EUSTASIA.  Well, things aren’t quite as they were, are they? If I’d known that Leonard was ill—but I’ve seen so little of him lately. And he’sneverbeen ill before!

NICHOLAS.  Of course we ought to know where we are.

LATIMER.  Yes. At present Leonard is behind that screen, which makes it difficult to discuss things properly. Leonard, couldyou——

EUSTASIA.  Oh, we mustn’t take any risks! But if[154]we moved the screen a little, and all sat up at that end of theroom——

LATIMER.  Delightful!

NICHOLAS(leading the way).  Sit here, Miss Anne, won’t you?

(They arrange themselves.LATIMERin the middle.)

LATIMER.  There! Now, are we all here?... We are. Then with your permission, Ladies and Gentlemen, I will open the proceedings with a short speech.

NICHOLAS.  Oh, I say, must you?

LATIMER.  Certainly.

EUSTASIA(toLEONARD). Hush, dear.

LEONARD.  I didn’t say anything.

EUSTASIA.  No, but you were just going to.

LATIMER(severely).  Seeing that I refrained from making my speech when Leonard had the thermometer in his mouth, the least he can do now is to listen in silence.

LEONARD.  Well,I’m——

LATIMER.  I resume.... By a fortunate concatenation of circumstances, ladies and gentlemen—or, as more illiterate men would say, by a bit of luck—two runaway couples have met under my roof. No need to mention names. You can all guess for yourselves. But I call now—this is the end of my speech, Leonard—I call now upon my noble friend on the right to tell us just why he left the devoted wife by his side in order to travel upon the Continent.

LEONARD.  Well,really——

LATIMER.  Naturally Leonard does not wish to say anything against Eustasia. Very creditable to him. But can it be that the devoted wife by his side wishes to say anything against Leonard?

EUSTASIA.  You neglected me, Leonard, you know you did. And when I was soill——

[155]LEONARD.  My dear, you werealwaysill. That was the trouble.

LATIMER.  And you were never ill, Leonard.Thatwas the trouble.... You heartless ruffian!

EUSTASIA(toLEONARD). Hush, dear.

LATIMER.  Why couldn’t you have had a cold sometimes? Why couldn’t you have come home with a broken leg, or lost your money, or made a rotten speech in the House of Lords? If she could never be sorry foryou, for whom else could she be sorry, except herself? (ToEUSTASIA) I don’t suppose he even lost his umbrella, did he?

ANNE(feeling that anything is possible to a man who mislays his trousers).  Oh, he must have lost that.

LATIMER.  Eustasia, ladies and gentlemen, is one of those dear women, those sweet women, those delightful women—(aside toANNE)—stop me if I’m overdoing it—those adorable women who must always cosset or be cosseted. She couldn’t cosset Leonard; Leonard wouldn’t cosset her. Hence—the Dover Road.

EUSTASIA.  How well you understand, Mr. Latimer!

LATIMER.  Enter, then, my friend Nicholas. (Shaking his head at him) Oh, Nicholas! Oh, Nicholas! Oh, Nicholas!

NICHOLAS(uneasily).  What’s all that about?

LATIMER.  Anything you say will be used in evidence against you. Proceed, my young friend.

NICHOLAS.  Well—well—well—I mean, there she was.

LATIMER.  Lonely.

NICHOLAS.  Exactly.

LATIMER.  Neglected by her brute of a husband—(AsLEONARDopens his mouth) fingers crossed, Leonard—who spent day and night rioting in the House of Lords while his poor little wife cried at home.

NICHOLAS.Well——

[156]LATIMER.  Then out spake bold Sir Nicholas—(Aside toANNE) This was also composed in my bath—

Then out spake bold Sir Nicholas,An Oxford man was he;“Lo, I will write a note to-nightAnd ask her out to tea.”

Then out spake bold Sir Nicholas,An Oxford man was he;“Lo, I will write a note to-nightAnd ask her out to tea.”

Then out spake bold Sir Nicholas,An Oxford man was he;“Lo, I will write a note to-nightAnd ask her out to tea.”

Then out spake bold Sir Nicholas,

An Oxford man was he;

“Lo, I will write a note to-night

And ask her out to tea.”

NICHOLAS.  Well, yousee——

LATIMER.  I see, Nicholas.... And so here we all are.

ANNE.  Except me.

LATIMER.  I guessed at you, Anne. Did I guess right?

ANNE(meekly).  Yes.

LATIMER.  And so here we all are.... And what are we all going to do? My house is at your disposal for as long as you wish. The doors are open for those who wish to go.... Eustasia?

EUSTASIA.  My duty is to stay here—to look after my husband.

LATIMER.  Well, that settles Eustasia.... Anne?

ANNE.  Of necessity I must stay here—for the present.

LATIMER.  Well, that settles Anne.... Nicholas?

NICHOLAS.  I stay here too—(looking atANNE) from choice.

LATIMER.  Well, that settles Nicholas.... Leonard?

(DOMINIC,followed by all the Staff, comes in, together with a collection of mustard-baths, plasters, eucalyptus, etc., etc.)

LATIMER(looking round at the interruption).  Ah!... And this will settle Leonard.

(It settles him.)

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