There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad,There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad;But the gladness in his gladness,Nor the sadness in his sadness,Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.
There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad,There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad;But the gladness in his gladness,Nor the sadness in his sadness,Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.
There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad,
There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad;
But the gladness in his gladness,
Nor the sadness in his sadness,
Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.
See alsoCowards; Domestic finance.
We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenter attached to the Berlin War Office, who has crossed carrier pigeons with parrots, so that Wilhelmstrasse can now get verbal messages through the enemy's lines.—Warwick James Price.
"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to out in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thought my fortune was sure made. However, I didn't harvest one."
He waited for queries, but his friends knew him, and he was forced to continue unurged:
"The vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' 'em 'round. However, the second year my two little boys made up their minds to get a taste of one anyhow, so they took turns, carryin' one along with the vine and—"
But his companions had already started toward the barroom door.
News comes from Southern Kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk to see how the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing faster than the boy can climb down. The boy is clear out of sight. Three men have taken the contract for cutting down the stalk with axes to save the boy a horrible death by starving, but the stalk grows so rapidly that they can't hit twice in the same place. The boy is living on green corn alone and has already thrown down over four bushels of cobs. Even if the corn holds out there is still danger that the boy will reach a height where he will be frozen to death. There is some talk of attempting his rescue with a balloon.—Topeka Capital.
Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness.
TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"
TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."—Graham Charteris.
The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with this injunction chalked above it:
"Keep your eye on this and do your best."
A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new."
The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished and sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingers to the floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing, and stuck. The patient hadn't seen the cockroach—what he did see was his escaped postage stamp zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to the baseboard, wavering up over the baseboard, and following a crooked track up the wall and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the letter he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor.
"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three years."
One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about their respective ages.
"I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May, and your's don't come till September."
"Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted, "but that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angels when they were making you."
The mother instantly summoned her daughter. "It's breaking mother's heart to hear you tell such awful stories," she said. "Don't you remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?"
"Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying. I saw them carried into the corner drug store!"
Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance ofAs You Like Itnear Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice.
One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the building exclaimed with the utmost gravity:
"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick."
A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you have the baby half the time."
"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"
"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights."
"Is the baby strong?"
"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"
"Yes."
"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"—Comic Cuts.
Recipe for a baby:
Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk,Smother with a pillow any sneeze;Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back—"Don't forget that you were one of these."—Life.
Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk,Smother with a pillow any sneeze;Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back—"Don't forget that you were one of these."
Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk,
Smother with a pillow any sneeze;
Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back—
"Don't forget that you were one of these."
—Life.
—Life.
SeeWives.
SeeEditors; Love.
She was from Boston, and he was not.
He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less.
Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and Juliet?'"
He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliant thought, blurted out, happily:
"I've—I've read Romeo!"
Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying instalments on.
A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned to the young man in uniform.
"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to be well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir, but—"
"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boys away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extra blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into another. I want you to—"
"But, say, boss, I—"
"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talking myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get the good of it. Not a word, sir."
The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin and swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can do the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell you—but I ain't going out on that train."
A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other day.
"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.
"No," said the man.
"Do you motor?"
"No."
"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"
"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous—"
But the agent interrupted him curtly.
"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."
SeeIrish bulls.
"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call that kind of cucumber?"
"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It doesn't always agree with a party."
"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"
"No," replied Senator Soghum.
"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"
"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews."
"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to the attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows:
"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and Miss Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All who cannot come may send."—Howard Morse.
One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street.
"Come and dine with us tonight," the mandarin said graciously.
"Thank you," said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow night do just as well?"
"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the mandarin curiously.
"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to give me tonight's invitation."
MARION (just from the telephone)—"He wanted to know if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would."
MADELINE—"Who was speaking?"
MARION—"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask."
Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented, provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had had trouble, but, rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to invite Tommy.
On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had arrived except Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her son.
"Willie," she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party tonight?"
"Yes, Mother."
"And did he say he would not come?"
"No," explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared him to come."
Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side av the foot that's in the air, an' remain motionless."
"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing the same you will greatly oblige his mother."
An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when the Irishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git on I'll git off."
"The doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope, but if 'e don't, the doctor says 'e give 'im up."
For rent—A room for a gentleman with all conveniences.
A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him: "Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay her funeral expenses."
A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, said sharply: "John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do. Come up here and let me give you some work."
A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroom one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisle and chewing gum.
"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in."
MAGISTRATE—"You admit you stole the pig?"
PRISONER—"I 'ave to."
MAGISTRATE—"Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing going on lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us will be safe."—M.L. Hayward.
"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent, "Gideon did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down to drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the other."—Joe King.
"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder."
"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"
"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it."
A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton procession from Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was jerked down by a policeman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed from that vantage point, climbed the railing of Li Hung Chang's gingko-tree. Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't look at annything frum where ye can see it frum."
MRS. JENKINS—"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought a house next you, with a water frontage."
MRS. SMITH—"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time."
In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was posted:
"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen are requested to make use of them only after the former are seated."
Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in two places at the same time, barring he is a bird."
A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in speech, remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. "I don't know why it is—every time I get up to speak, some fool talks." Then he wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter.—Grub S. Arts.
Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being tried for an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery on his side, and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping, not loudly, but like muffled drums. A big policeman came up to the gallery, scowled at the disturbers then, when that had no effect, called out in a stage whisper:
"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer feet!"
The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up are often more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical Journal shows in the following excellent selection of examples:
Mother died in infancy.
Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up dead.
Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she bade fair to reach a ripe old age.
Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity, except that they died at an advanced age.
Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that she fully recovered from her last illness.
Applicant has never been fatally sick.
Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere child.
Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but she was cured before death.
A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a brick-yard.—Chicago Tribune.
Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred—a spark of humor struck from flint. "These Irish, anciently called 'Anthropophagi,' man-eaters, have a tradition among them that when the devil showed Our Savior all the kingdoms of the earth and their glory, he would not show Him Ireland, but reserved it for himself; it is probably true, for he hath kept it ever since for his own peculiar."
An Irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons and invited his caller to take a look at them.
"Ain't they fine boys?" inquired the father.
"They are," agreed the visitor.
"The finest in the world!" exclaimed the father. "An' I nivver laid violent hands on any one of 'em except in silf-difince."—Popular Magazine.
See alsoFighting; Irish bulls.
There were three young women of Birmingham,And I know a sad story concerning 'em:They stuck needles and pinsIn the reverend shinsOf the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.—Gilbert K. Chesterton.
There were three young women of Birmingham,And I know a sad story concerning 'em:They stuck needles and pinsIn the reverend shinsOf the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
There were three young women of Birmingham,
And I know a sad story concerning 'em:
They stuck needles and pins
In the reverend shins
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
—Gilbert K. Chesterton.
—Gilbert K. Chesterton.
A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new novel by Gertrude Atherton. After reading the review Mrs. Atherton wrote to Mr. James as follows:
"Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or not?"Sincerely,"GERTRUDE ATHERTON."
"Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or not?"
Sincerely,"GERTRUDE ATHERTON."
The girl with the ruby lips we like,The lass with teeth of pearl,The maid with the eyes like diamonds,The cheek-like-coral girl;The girl with the alabaster brow,The lass from the Emerald Isle.All these we like, but not the jadeWith the sardonyx smile.
The girl with the ruby lips we like,The lass with teeth of pearl,The maid with the eyes like diamonds,The cheek-like-coral girl;The girl with the alabaster brow,The lass from the Emerald Isle.All these we like, but not the jadeWith the sardonyx smile.
The girl with the ruby lips we like,
The lass with teeth of pearl,
The maid with the eyes like diamonds,
The cheek-like-coral girl;
The girl with the alabaster brow,
The lass from the Emerald Isle.
All these we like, but not the jade
With the sardonyx smile.
What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the banana.
He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively at the little oily Jew who occupied the other half of the car seat with him.
The little Jew looked at him deprecatingly. "Nice day," he began politely.
"You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the Yankee.
"Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman," handing him a card.
"But you're a Jew?"
"Yes, yes, I'm a Jew," came the answer.
"Well," continued the Yankee, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little village in Maine where I come from I'm proud to say there ain't a Jew."
"Dot's why it's a village," replied the little Jew quietly.
The men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One said Stephenson, who invented the locomotive. Another declared it was the man who invented the compass. Another contended for Edison. Still another for the Wrights,
Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained silent:
"Who do you think?"
"Vell," he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented interest was no slouch."
Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famous specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the waiting-room.
After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain't he?"
"One of the best," the gentleman told him.
Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.
"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then, ain't he? Vat does he charge?"
The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rather shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five dollars for each visit thereafter."
"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky—"Fifty tollars the first time und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"
For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards," he kept muttering. Finally, just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliant inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands.
"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I amagain."
The Jews are among the aristocracy of every land; if a literature is called rich in the possession of a few classic tragedies what shall we say to a national tragedy lasting for fifteen hundred years, in which the poets and the actors were also the heroes.—George Eliot.
See alsoFailures; Fires.
A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and different in that the joke can be cracked again.—William J. Burtscher.
JOKELY—"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last week."
BOGGS—"What luck did you have with them?"
JOKELY—"Oh, they all came flying back."—Will S. Gidley.
"I ne'er forget a joke I haveOnce heard!" Augustus cried."And neither do you let your friendsForget it!" Jane replied.—Childe Harold.
"I ne'er forget a joke I haveOnce heard!" Augustus cried."And neither do you let your friendsForget it!" Jane replied.
"I ne'er forget a joke I have
Once heard!" Augustus cried.
"And neither do you let your friends
Forget it!" Jane replied.
—Childe Harold.
—Childe Harold.
A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the noon hour, sleeping in the hot sun. The clock struck one, the time to pick up his hod again. He rose, stretched, and grumbled: "I wish I wuz daid. 'Tain' nothin' but wuk, wuk from mawnin' tell night."
Another negro, a story above, heard the complaint and dropped a brick on the grumbler's head.
Dazed he looked up and said:
"De Lawd can' stan' no jokes. He jes' takes ev'ything in yearnist."
The late H.C. Bunner, when editor ofPuck, once received a letter accompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked: "What will you give me for these?"
"Ten yards start," was Bunner's generous offer, written beneath the query.
NEW CONGRESSMAN—"What can I do for you, sir?"
SALESMAN (of Statesmen's Anecdote Manufacturing Company)—"I shall be delighted if you'll place an order for a dozen of real, live, snappy, humorous anecdotes as told by yourself, sir."
Jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years ago from Egypt, Babylon and Assyria, and have since then grown and multiplied. They are in extensive use in all parts of the country and as an antidote for thought are indispensable at all dinner parties.
There were originally twenty-five jokes, but when this country was formed they added a constitution, which increased the number to twenty-six. These jokes have married and inter-married among themselves and their children travel from press to press.
Frequently in one week a joke will travel from New York to San Francisco.
The joke is no respecter of persons. Shameless and unconcerned, he tells the story of his life over and over again. Outside of the ballot-box he is the greatest repeater that we have.
Jokes are of three kinds—plain, illustrated and pointless. Frequently they are all three.
No joke is without honor, except in its own country. Jokes form one of our staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and day to turn out the often neatly finished product. The importation of jokes while considerable is not as great as it might be, as the flavor is lost in transit.
Jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic. As scenebreakers they have no equal.—Life.
Here's to the joke, the good old joke,The joke that our fathers told;It is ready tonight and is jolly and brightAs it was in the days of old.When Adam was young it was on his tongue,And Noah got in the swimBy telling the jest as the brightest and bestThat ever happened to him.So here's to the joke, the good old joke—We'll hear it again tonight.It's health we will quaff; that will help us to laugh,And to treat it in manner polite.—Lew Dockstader.
Here's to the joke, the good old joke,The joke that our fathers told;It is ready tonight and is jolly and brightAs it was in the days of old.
Here's to the joke, the good old joke,
The joke that our fathers told;
It is ready tonight and is jolly and bright
As it was in the days of old.
When Adam was young it was on his tongue,And Noah got in the swimBy telling the jest as the brightest and bestThat ever happened to him.
When Adam was young it was on his tongue,
And Noah got in the swim
By telling the jest as the brightest and best
That ever happened to him.
So here's to the joke, the good old joke—We'll hear it again tonight.It's health we will quaff; that will help us to laugh,And to treat it in manner polite.
So here's to the joke, the good old joke—
We'll hear it again tonight.
It's health we will quaff; that will help us to laugh,
And to treat it in manner polite.
—Lew Dockstader.
—Lew Dockstader.
A jest's prosperity lies in the earOf him that hears it, never in the tongueOf him that makes it.—Shakespeare.
A jest's prosperity lies in the earOf him that hears it, never in the tongueOf him that makes it.
A jest's prosperity lies in the ear
Of him that hears it, never in the tongue
Of him that makes it.
—Shakespeare.
—Shakespeare.
A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turning to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the little pate, "this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," cried the untutored old aunty, soothingly, "never you mind 'bout dat; dat'll come right in time."
John R. McLean, owner of the CincinnatiEnquirerand the WashingtonPost, tells this story of the days when he was actively in charge of the Cincinnati newspaper: AnEnquirerreporter was sent to a town in southwestern Ohio to get the story of a woman evangelist who had been greatly talked about. The reporter attended one of her meetings and occupied a front seat. When those who wished to be saved were asked to arise, he kept his seat and used his notebook. The evangelist approached, and, taking him by the hand, said, "Come to Jesus."
"Madam," said the newspaper man, "I'm here solely on business—to report your work."
"Brother," said she, "there is no business so important as God's."
"Well, may be not," said the reporter; "but you don't know John R. McLean."
A newspaper man named FlingCould make "copy" from any old thing.But the copy he wroteOf a five dollar noteWas so good he is now in Sing Sing.—Columbia Jester.
A newspaper man named FlingCould make "copy" from any old thing.But the copy he wroteOf a five dollar noteWas so good he is now in Sing Sing.
A newspaper man named Fling
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote
Of a five dollar note
Was so good he is now in Sing Sing.
—Columbia Jester.
—Columbia Jester.
"Come in," called the magazine editor.
"Sir, I have called to see about that article of mine that you bought two years ago. My name is Pensnink—Percival Perrhyn Pensnink. My composition was called 'The Behavior of Chipmunks in Thunderstorms,' and I should like to know how much longer I must watch and wait before I shall see it in print."
"I remember," the editor replied. "We are saving your little essay to use at the time of your death. When public attention is drawn to an author we like to have something of his on hand."
Hear, land o' cakes, and brither Scots,Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat's;If there's a hole in a' your coats,I rede you tent it:A chiel's amang you taking notes,And, faith, he'll prent it.—Burns.
Hear, land o' cakes, and brither Scots,Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat's;If there's a hole in a' your coats,I rede you tent it:A chiel's amang you taking notes,And, faith, he'll prent it.
Hear, land o' cakes, and brither Scots,
Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat's;
If there's a hole in a' your coats,
I rede you tent it:
A chiel's amang you taking notes,
And, faith, he'll prent it.
—Burns.
—Burns.
See alsoNewspapers.
A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish. An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the interpreter.
"What does he say?" demanded his lordship.
"Nothing, my lord," was the reply.
"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what was it?"
"My lord," said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had nothing to do with the case."
"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge. "Now, what did he say?"
"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old woman with the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?"
At which the court roared.
"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little uncomfortable.
"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going to hang you."
A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a charge of stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him, the judge asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the coop was so near the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in the yard.
"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge," answered the darky, "to try to 'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like as not yo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken, nuther. Ef yo' wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better stick to de bench whar yo' am familiar."—Mrs. L.F. Clarke.
Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely, to consider soberly, and to decide impartially.—Socrates.
HUSBAND—"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women."
WIFE—"Oh, yes—you married me, and I you."—Life.
In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say, "Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock.
There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman to whom the thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed, and wore an air of a man determined not to "get the worst of it."
"Prisoner at the bar," called out the clerk, "do you wish to challenge any of the jury?"
The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully.
"Well, I tell ye," he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in trainin', but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot fat old boy in th' corner."
There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side.
"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour ago!"
"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too hard, so I thought I'd just even up."
One man's word is no man's word,Justice is that both be heard.
One man's word is no man's word,Justice is that both be heard.
One man's word is no man's word,
Justice is that both be heard.
He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decide justly cannot be considered just.—Seneca.
A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store. A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid done?"
Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws.
Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at home.—Abe Martin.
An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As they crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimme that basket, Hannah."
The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful look.
"That's real kind o' ye, Joshua," she quavered.
"Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost."
A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, stood directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his toes.
As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.
"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.
"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply self-defense."