Christmas comes but once a year,And therefore we'll be merry.
Christmas comes but once a year,And therefore we'll be merry.
EnterMaria.
Mar.What a catterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not called up her steward, Malvolio, and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.
Sir To.My lady's a Cataian; we are politicians. Malvolio's a Peg-a-Ramsay:—[Sings.]—And three merry men be we.
Sir And.[Sings.]And three merry men be we.
Sir To.Am I not consanguineous? Am I not of her blood? Tilly-valley, lady!—[Sings.]—There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!
Sir And.[Sings]Lady,——
Clo.Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.
Sir And.Ay, he does well enough, if he be disposed, and so do I too; he does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. [Sings.]Lady,—
Sir To.Let us have another.
[They all three sing and dance.
Which is the properest day to drink?Saturday,—Sunday,—Monday,—
Which is the properest day to drink?Saturday,—Sunday,—Monday,—
Mar.For the love of heaven, peace.
EnterMalvolio,in a Gown and Cap, with a Light.
Mal.My masters, are you mad? or what are you?
Sir And.[Sings.]Monday,—
Mal.Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night?
Sir To.[Sings.]Saturday,—
Mal.Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time, in you?
Sir To.We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!
Mal.Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me tell you, that, though she harbours you as her kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid you farewell.
Sir To.[Sings.]Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.
Mar.Nay, good Sir Toby.
Clo.[Sings.]His eyes do show his days are almost done.
Mal.Is't even so?
Sir To.[Sings.]But I will never die.
[Falls on the floor.
Clo.[Sings.]Sir Toby,—O, Sir Toby,—there you lie.
Mal.This is much credit to you.
[ClownraisesSir Toby.
Sir To.[Sings.]You lie.—Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?
Clo.Yes, by Saint Anne; and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth too.
Sir To.Thou'rt i' the right.—Go, sir, rub your chain with crums:—A stoop of wine, Maria!
Mal.Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any thing more than contempt, you would not give means for this uncivil rule: She shall know of it, by this hand.
[ExitMalvolio,followed by theClown,mocking him.
Mar.Go shake your ears.
Sir And.'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's a hungry, to challenge him to the field; and then to break promise with him, and make a fool of him.
Sir To.Do't, knight; I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.
Mar.Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for to-night; since the youth of the Duke's was to-day with my lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him: if I do not gull him into a nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed: I know, I can do it.
Sir To.Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.
Mar.Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of Puritan.
Sir And.O, if I thought that, I'd beat him like a dog.
Sir To.What, for being a Puritan? Thy exquisite reason, dear knight?
Sir And.I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason good enough.
Mar.The devil a Puritan that he is, or any thing constantly but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass; so crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is his ground of faith, that all, that look on him, love him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work.
Sir To.What wilt thou do?
Mar.I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, he shall find himself most feelingly personated: I can write very like my lady, your niece; on a forgotten matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands.
Sir To.Excellent! I smell a device.
Sir And.I have't in my nose too.
Sir To.He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they come from my niece, and that she is in love with him?
Sir And.O, 'twill be admirable.
Mar.Sport royal, I warrant you. I will plant you two, and let Fabian make a third, where he shall find the letter; observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.
[ExitMaria.
Sir To.Good night, Penthesilea.
Sir And.Before me, she's a good wench.
Sir To.She's a beagle, true bred, and one that adores me; What o' that?
Sir And.I was adored once too.
Sir To.Let's to bed, knight.—Thou hadst need send for more money.
Sir And.If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.
Sir To.Send for money, knight; if thou hast her not i' the end, call me Cut.
Sir And.If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.
Sir To.Come, come; I'll go burn some sack, 'tis too late to go to bed now.
Sir And.I'll call you Cut.
Sir To.Come, knight,—come, knight.
Sir And.I'll call you Cut.[Exeunt.
SCENE III.
A Hall inDuke Orsino'sPalace.
EnterDuke,andViola.
Duke.Come hither, boy:—If ever thou shalt love,In the sweet pangs of it, remember me:For, such as I am, all true lovers are.—My life upon't, young though thou art, thine eyeHath stay'd upon some favour that it loves;Hath it not, boy?
Vio.A little, by your favour.
Duke.What kind of woman is't?
Vio.Of your complexion.
Duke.She is not worth thee then. What years, i' faith?
Vio.About your years, my lord.
Duke.Too old, by heaven.—Once more, Cesario,Get thee to yon same sovereign cruelty:Tell her, my love, more noble than the world,Prizes not quantity of dirty lands;The parts that fortune hath bestowed upon her,Tell her, I hold as giddily as fortune;But 'tis that miracle, and queen of gems,That nature pranks her in, attracts my soul.
Vio.But, if she cannot love you, sir?
Duke.I cannot be so answered.
Vio.Sooth, but you must.Say, that some lady, as, perhaps, there is,Hath for your love as great a pang of heartAs you have for Olivia: you cannot love her;You tell her so: Must she not then be answered?
Duke.There is no woman's sides,Can bide the beating of so strong a passionAs love doth give my heart:—make no compareBetween that love a woman can bear me,And that I owe Olivia.
Vio.Ay, but I know,—
Duke.What dost thou know?
Vio.Too well what love women to men may owe:In faith, they are as true of heart as we.My father had a daughter loved a man,As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman,I should your lordship.
Duke.And what's her history?
Vio.A blank, my lord: She never told her love,But let concealment, like a worm i' the bud,Feed on her damask cheek: she pined in thought;And, with a green and yellow melancholy,She sat like patience on a monument,Smiling at grief. Was not this love, indeed?We men may say more, swear more: but, indeed,Our shows are more than will, for still we proveMuch in our vows, but little in our love.
Duke.But died thy sister of her love, my boy?
Vio.I am all the daughters of my father's house,And all the brothers too.—Sir, shall I to this lady?
Duke.Ay, that's the theme.To her in haste; give her this jewel; say,My love can give no place, bide no denay.
[Exeunt.
SCENE I.
Olivia'sGarden.
EnterSir Toby,Sir Andrew,andFabian.
Sir To.Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.
Fab.Nay, I'll come; if I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boiled to death with melancholy.
Sir To.Would'st thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
Fab.I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out of favour with my lady, about a bear-baiting here.
Sir To.To anger him, we'll have the bear again; and we will fool him black and blue:—Shall we not, Sir Andrew?
Sir And.An we do not, it is pity of our lives.
EnterMaria,with a Letter.
Sir To.Here comes the little villain:—How now, my nettle of India?
Mar.Get ye all three behind yon clump: Malvolio's coming down this walk; he has been yonder i' the sun, practising behaviour to his own shadow,this half hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for, I know, this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him.—Close, in the name of jesting! [The men hide themselves.]—Lie thou there; [Throws down a letter.] for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
[ExitMaria.
EnterMalvolio.
Mal.'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told me, she did affect me: and I have heard herself come thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more exalted respect, than any one else that follows her. What should I think on't?
Sir To.Here's an over-weening rogue!
Fab.Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him; how he jets under his advanced plumes!
Sir And.'Slight, I could so beat the rogue:—
Mal.To be Count Malvolio;—
Sir To.Ah, rogue!
Sir And.Pistol him, pistol him.
Sir To.Peace, peace!
Mal.There is example for't; the lady of the strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe.
Sir And.Fie on him, Jezebel!
Fab.Now he's deeply in; look, how imagination blows him.
Mal.Having been three months married to her, sitting in my state,—
Sir To.O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!
Mal.Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet gown;—having come from a day-bed, where I left Olivia sleeping;—
Sir To.Fire and brimstone!
Fab.O peace, peace!
Mal.And then to have the humour of state: and after a demure travel of regard,—telling them, I know my place, as I would they should do theirs,—to ask for my kinsman Toby:—
Sir To.Bolts and shackles!
Fab.O, peace, peace, peace! now, now.
Mal.Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for him: I frown the while; and, perchance, wind up my watch, or play with some rich jewel. Toby approaches: courtsies there to me:—
Sir To.Shall this fellow live?
Fab.Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.
Mal.I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of control—
Sir To.And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?
Mal.Saying,Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on your niece, give me this prerogative of speech:—
Sir To.What, what?
Mal.You must amend your drunkenness.
Sir To.Out, scab!
Fab.Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
Mal.Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight;—
Sir And.That's me, I warrant you.
Mal.One Sir Andrew:—
Sir And.I knew, 'twas I; for many do call me fool.
Mal.What employment have we here?
[Taking up the letter.
Fab.Now is the woodcock near the gin.
Sir To.O peace! an the spirit of humours intimate reading aloud to him,—
Mal.By my life, this is my lady's hand: these be her veryC's, herU's, and herT's; and thus makesshe her greatP's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.
Sir And.HerC's, herU's, and herT's: Why that?
Mal.[Reads.]To the unknown beloved, this, and my good wishes: her very phrases!—By your leave, wax.—Soft!—and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal: 'tis my lady: To whom should this be? [Opens the letter.]
Fab.This wins him, liver and all.
Mal.[Reads.]Jove knows, I love:But who?Lips do not move,No man must know.No man must know.—If this should be thee, Malvolio?
Mal.[Reads.]Jove knows, I love:But who?Lips do not move,No man must know.No man must know.—If this should be thee, Malvolio?
Sir To.Marry, hang thee, brock!
Mal.[Reads.]I may command, where I adore:But silence, like a Lucrece knife,With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore;M,O,A,I, doth sway my life.
Mal.[Reads.]I may command, where I adore:But silence, like a Lucrece knife,With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore;M,O,A,I, doth sway my life.
Fab.A fustian riddle!
Sir To.Excellent wench, say I.
Mal.M,O,A,I,doth sway my life.—Nay, but first, let me see,—let me see,—let me see.
Fab.What a dish of poison has she dressed him!
Sir To.And with what wing the stanniel checks at it!
Mal.I may command where I adore.Why, she may command me; I serve her, she is my lady. Why, this is evident to any formal capacity. There is no obstruction in this:—And the end,—What should that alphabetical position portend? If I could make that resemble something in me.—Softly!—M,O,A,I.
Sir To.O, ay! make up that:—he is now at a cold scent.
Mal.M,—Malvolio;—M,—why, that begins my name.
Fab.I thought he would work it out: the cur is excellent at faults.
Mal.M,—But then there is no consonancy in the sequel; that suffers under probation:Ashould follow, butOdoes.
Fab.AndOshall end, I hope.
Sir To.Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry,O.
Mal.And thenIcomes behind.
Fab.Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your heels, than fortunes before you.
Mal.M,O,A,I;—This simulation is not as the former:—and yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for every one of these letters are in my name. Soft; here follows prose.—[Reads. If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. To enure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough, and appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants. She thus advises thee, that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy yellow stockings; and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to; thou art made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to touch fortune's fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with thee. The fortunate-unhappy.Day-light and champian discovers not more: this is open. I will be proud, I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point-de-vice, the very man. I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered:—I thank my stars, I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered,even with the swiftness of putting on. Jove, and my stars be praised!—Here is yet a postscript—[Reads.]Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles become thee well: therefore in my presence still smile, dear my sweet, I pr'ythee.Jove, I thank thee. I will smile; I will do every thing that thou wilt have me.
[ExitMalvolio.
[They advance from behind the Trees.]
Omnes.Ha! ha! ha!
Fab.I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the sophy.
Sir To.I could marry this wench for this device.
Sir And.So could I too.
Sir To.And ask no other dowry with her, but such another jest.
Sir And.Nor I neither.
Fab.Here comes my noble gull-catcher.
EnterMaria.
Sir To.Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?
Sir And.Or o' mine either?
Sir To.Shall I become thy bond-slave?
Sir And.Or I either?
Sir To.Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when the image of it leaves him, he must run mad.
Mar.Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?
Sir To.Like aqua-vitæ with a midwife.
Mar.If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady: he will come to her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she abhors; and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests; and he will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a melancholyas she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt: if you will see it, follow me.
[ExitMaria.
Sir To.To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit.
Sir And.I'll make one too.
Fab.And I.
Omnes.Huzza! huzza! huzza![Exeunt.
SCENE II.
A public Square.
EnterSebastianandAntonio.
Seb.I would not, by my will, have troubled you;But, since you make your pleasure of your pains,I will no further chide you.
Ant.I could not stay behind you; my desire,More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth;I fear'd besides what might befall your travel,Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger,Unguided, and unfriended, often proveRough and unhospitable: My willing love,The rather by these arguments of doubt,Set forth in your pursuit.
Seb.My kind Antonio,I can no other answer make, but thanks,And thanks, and ever thanks.—What is to do?Shall we go see the reliques of this town?
Ant.To-morrow, sir; best, first, go see your lodging.
Seb.I am not weary, and 'tis long to night;I pray you, let us satisfy our eyesWith the memorials, and the things of fame,That do renown this city.
Ant.'Would, you'd pardon me;I do not without danger walk these streets:Once, in a sea-fight, 'gainst Orsino's gallies,I did some service; of such note indeed,That were I ta'en here, it would scarce be answered.
Seb.Do not then walk too open.
Ant.It doth not fit me.—Hold, sir, here's my purse;In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet,Whiles you beguile the time, and feed your knowledge,With viewing of the town; there shall you have me.
Seb.Why I your purse?
Ant.Haply, your eye shall light upon some toyYou have desire to purchase; and your store,I think, is not for idle markets, sir.
Seb.I'll be your purse-bearer, and leave you for an hour.
Ant.To the Elephant.
Seb.I do remember.[Exeunt.
SCENE III.
Olivia'sGarden.
EnterClown,playing on a Tabor, andViola.
Vio.Save thee, friend, and thy music: Dost thou live by thy tabor?
Clo.No, sir, I live by the church.
Vio.Art thou a churchman?
Clo.No such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by the church.
Vio.Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?
Clo.No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and fools are as like husbands, as pilchards are to herrings, the husband's the bigger; I am, indeed, not her fool, but her corrupter of words.
Vio.I saw thee late at the Duke Orsino's.
Clo.Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb, like the sun; it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be as oft with your master, as with my mistress: I think, I saw your wisdom there.
Vio.Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee. Hold, there's expences for thee.
[Gives him money.
Clo.Now, Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!
Vio.By my troth, I'll tell thee; I am almost sick for one.—Is thy lady within?
Clo.Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?
Vio.Yes, being kept together, and put to use.
Clo.I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring a Cressida to this Troilus.
Vio.I understand you, sir: [Gives him more money.] 'tis well begged.
Clo.My lady is within, sir. I will construe to them whence you came: who you are, and what you would, are out of my welkin: I might say, element; but the word is over-worn.
[ExitClown.
Vio.This fellow's wise enough to play the fool;And to do that well, craves a kind of wit:He must observe their mood on whom he jests,The quality of persons, and the time;And, like the haggard, check at every featherThat comes before his eye. This is a practice,As full of labour as a wise man's art.
EnterSir Toby,andSir Andrew.
Sir To.Save you, gentleman.
Vio.And you, sir.
Sir To.My niece is desirous you should enter, if your trade be to her.
Vio.I am bound to your niece, sir: I mean, she is the list of my voyage.
Sir To.Taste your legs, sir, put them to motion.
Vio.My legs do better understand me, sir, than I understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs.
Sir To.I mean,—to go, sir, to enter.
Vio.I will answer you with gait and entrance: But we are prevented.
EnterOlivia.
Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain odours on you!
Sir And.That youth's a rare courtier!—Rain odours!—well.
Vio.My matter hath no voice, lady, but to your own most pregnant and vouchsafed ear.
Sir And.Odours,pregnant, andvouchsafed!—I'll get 'em all three ready.
Oli.Leave me to my hearing.
Sir And.Odours—pregnant—vouchsafed.
[ExeuntSir TobyandSir Andrew.
Oli.Give me your hand, sir.
Vio.My duty, madam, and most humble service.
Oli.What is your name?
Vio.Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess.
Oli.My servant, sir! 'Twas never merry world,Since lowly feigning was called compliment:You are servant to the Duke Orsino, youth.
Vio.And he is yours, and his must needs be yours;Your servant's servant is your servant, madam.
Oli.For him, I think not on him: for his thoughts,'Would they were blanks, rather than filled with me!
Vio.Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts on his behalf:—
Oli.O, by your leave, I pray you;I bade you never speak again of him:But, would you undertake another suit,I had rather hear you to solicit that,Than music from the spheres.
Vio.Dear lady,——
Oli.Give me leave, I beseech you: I did send,After the last enchantment you did here,A ring in chase of you; so did I abuseMyself, my servant, and, I fear me, you:Under your hard construction must I sit,To force that on you, in a shameful cunning,Which you knew none of yours: What might you think?Have you not set mine honour at the stake,And baited it with all the unmuzzled thoughtsThat tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receivingEnough is shown; a cyprus, not a bosom,Hides my poor heart: So let me hear you speak.
Vio.I pity you.
Oli.That's a degree to love.
Vio.No, not a grise; for 'tis a vulgar proof,That very oft we pity enemies.
Oli.Why, then, methinks, 'tis time to smile again:O world, how apt the poor are to be proud!
[Clock strikes.
The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.—Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you:And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest,Your wife is like to reap a proper man:There lies your way, due west.
Vio.Then westward-hoe:Grace, and good disposition 'tend your ladyship!You'll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?
Oli.Stay:I pr'ythee, tell me, what thou think'st of me.
Vio.That you do think, you are not what you are.
Oli.If I think so, I think the same of you.
Vio.Then think you right; I am not what I am.
Oli.I would, you were as I would have you be!
Vio.Would it be better, madam, than I am,I wish it might; for now I am your fool.
Oli.O, what a deal of scorn looks beautifulIn the contempt and anger of his lip!Cesario, by the roses of the spring,By maidhood, honour, truth, and every thing,I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride,Nor wit, nor reason, can my passion hide.
Vio.By innocence, I swear, and by my youth.I have one heart, one bosom, and one truth,And that no woman has; nor never noneShall mistress be of it, save I alone.And so adieu, good madam; never moreWill I my master's tears to you deplore.
Oli.Yet come again: for thou, perhaps, may'st moveThat heart, which now abhors, to like his love.
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV.
A Room inOlivia'sHouse.
EnterSir Andrew,Fabian,andSir Toby.
Sir And.No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.
Sir To.Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.
Fab.You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.
Sir And.Marry, I saw your niece do more favoursto the Count's serving man, than ever she bestowed upon me; I saw't this moment in the garden.
Sir To.Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.
Sir And.As plain as I see you now.
Fab.This was a great argument of love in her toward you.
Sir And.'Slight! will you make an ass o' me?
Fab.I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason.
Sir To.And they have been grand jury-men, since before Noah was a sailor.
Fab.She did show favour to the youth in your sight, only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart, and brimstone in your liver: you should then have accosted her; and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have bang'd the youth into dumbness. This was look'd for at your hand, and this was baulk'd: the double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sailed into the north of my lady's opinion: where you will hang like an icicle on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt, either of valour or policy.
Sir And.An it be any way, it must be with valour; for policy I hate.
Sir To.Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valour. Challenge me the Count's youth to fight with him; hurt him in eleven places; my niece shall take note of it: and assure thyself, there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's commendation with woman, than report of valour.
Fab.There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.
Sir And.Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?
Sir To.Go write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief; it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent, and full of invention: taunt him with the licenseof ink: if thouthou'sthim some thrice, it shall not be amiss; and as manyliesas will lie in thy sheet of paper; although the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England, set 'em down; go, about it. Let there be gall enough in thy ink; though thou write with a goose-pen, no matter: About it.
Sir And.Where shall I find you?
Sir To.We'll call thee at thecubiculo:Go.
[ExitSir Andrew.
Fab.This is a dear manakin to you, Sir Toby.
Sir To.I have been dear to him, lad; some two thousand strong, or so.
Fab.We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll not deliver it?
Sir To.Never trust me then; and by all means stir on the youth to an answer. I think, oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of the anatomy.
Fab.And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty.
Sir To.Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.
EnterMaria.
Mar.If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me: yon gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian, that means to be saved by believing rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.
Sir To.And cross-gartered?
Mar.Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i' the church.—I have dogg'd him, like his murderer: He does obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him. He does smile his face intomore lines, than are in a map: you have not seen such a thing as 'tis.
Sir To.Come, bring us, bring us where he is.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 1.
A Room inOlivia'sHouse.
EnterOliviaandMaria.
Oli.I have sent after him:—He says, he'll come.How shall I feast him? what bestow on him?I speak too loud.——Where is Malvolio?
Mar.He's coming, madam;But in strange manner. He is sure possessed.
Oli.Why, what's the matter? does he rave?
Mar.No, madam,He does nothing but smile: your ladyshipWere best have guard about you, if he come;For, sure, the man is tainted in his wits.
Oli.Go call him hither.
[ExitMaria.
I'm as mad as he,If sad and merry madness equal be.—
EnterMalvolio,in yellow Stockings, cross-garter'd, andMaria.
How now, Malvolio?
Mal.Sweet lady, ho, ho.
[Smiles fantastically.
Oli.Smilest thou?I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
Mal.Sad, lady? I could be sad: This does make some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering: But what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is:Please one, and please all.
Oli.Why, how dost thou, man? What is the matter with thee?
Mal.Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs.—It did come to his hands, and commands shall be executed. I think, we do know the sweet Roman hand.
Oli.Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
Mal.To bed!—Ay, sweet-heart; and I'll come to thee.
Oli.Heaven comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so, and kiss thy hand so oft?
Mar.How do you, Malvolio?
Mal.At your request? Yes; Nightingales answer daws.
Mar.Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
Mal.Be not afraid of greatness:—'Twas well writ.
Oli.What mean'st thou by that, Malvolio?
Mal.Some are born great,—
Oli.Ha?
Mal.Some achieve greatness,—
Oli.What say'st thou?
Mal.And some have greatness thrust upon them.
Oli.Heaven restore thee!
Mal.Remember who commended thy yellow stockings;—
Oli.Thy yellow stockings?
MalAnd wished to see thee cross-garter'd.
Oli.Cross-garter'd?
Mal.Go to: thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;—
Oli.Am I made?
Mal.If not, let me see thee a servant still.
Oli.Why, this is very Midsummer madness.
EnterFabian.
Fab.Madam, the young gentleman of the Duke Orsino's is returned; I could hardly entreat him back: he attends your ladyship's pleasure.
Oli.I'll come to him. Good Maria, let this fellow be look'd to.—Call my uncle Toby.
[ExitFabian.
Let some of my people have a special care of him; I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.
[ExeuntOliviaandMaria.
Mal.Oh, ho! do you come near me now? No worse man than Sir Toby to look to me? She sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter. I have limed her.—And, when she went away now,Let this fellow be looked to:—Fellow! not Malvolio, nor after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing adheres together.—Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
Sir To.[Without] Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils in hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
EnterFabian,Sir Toby,andMaria.
Fab.Here he is, here he is:—How is't with you, sir? how is't with you, man?
Mal.Go off, I discard you; let me enjoy my private; go off.
Mar.Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him!did not I tell you?—Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.
Mal.Ah, ha! does she so?
Sir To.Go to, go to; we must deal gently with him. How do you, Malvolio? how is't with you? What, man! defy the devil: consider, he's an enemy to mankind.
Mal.Do you know what you say?
Mar.La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray, heaven, he be not bewitch'd.
Fab.Carry his water to the wise woman.
Sir To.Pr'ythee, hold thy peace; do you not see, you move him? let me alone with him.
Fab.No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is rough, and will not be roughly used.
Sir To.Why, how now, my bawcock? how dost thou, chuck?
Mal.Sir?
Sir To.Ay, Biddy, come with me.—What, man! 'tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan: Hang him, foul collier!
Mar.Get him to say his prayers, Sir Toby.
Mal.My prayers, minx?
Mar.No, I warrant you, he'll not hear of godliness.
Mal.Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow things: I am not of your element; you shall know more hereafter. Begone. Ha! ha! ha!
[ExitMalvolio.
Omnes.Ha! ha! ha!
Sir To.Is't possible?
Fab.If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.
Sir To.His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
Mar.Nay, pursue him now; lest the device take air, and taint.
Fab.Why, we shall make him mad, indeed.
Mar.The house will be the quieter.
Sir To.Come, we'll have him in a dark room, and bound.—Follow him, and let him not from thy sight.
[ExitMaria.
But see, but see.
Fab.More matter for a May morning.
EnterSir Andrew,with a Letter.
Sir And.Here's the challenge, read it; I warrant, there's vinegar and pepper in't.
Fab.Is't so saucy?
Sir And.Ay, is it, I warrant him: do but read.
Sir To.Give me.—[Reads.]Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.
Fab.Good and valiant.
Sir To.Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.
Fab.A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.
Sir To.Thou comest to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat, that is not the matter I challenge thee for.
Fab.Very brief, and exceeding good sense-less.
Sir To.I will way-lay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me,—
Fab.Good.
Sir To.Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.
Fab.Still you keep o' the windy side of the law: Good.
Sir To.Fare thee well; and heaven have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,Andrew Aguecheek.—If this letter move him not, his legs cannot: I'll give't him.
Fab.You may have very fit occasion for't; he isnow in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.
Sir To.Go, Sir Andrew; scout me for him at the corner of the garden, like a bum-bailiff; so soon as ever thou seest him, draw; and, as thou draw'st, swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft, that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twang'd off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him. Away.
Sir And.Nay, let me alone for swearing.
[ExitSir Andrew.
Sir To.Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behaviour of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth, he will find it comes from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth; set upon Ague-cheek a notable report of valour; and drive the gentleman, (as, I know, his youth will aptly receive it,) into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity. This will so fright them both, that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices.
Fab.Here he comes with your niece: give them way, till he take leave, and presently after him.
Sir To.I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.
[ExeuntSir TobyandFabian.
EnterViolaandOlivia.
Oli.I have said too much unto a heart of stone,And laid mine honour too unchary out:There's something in me, that reproves my fault;But such a headstrong potent fault it is,That it but mocks reproof.
Vio.With the same 'haviour that your passion bears,Go on my master's griefs.
Oli.Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture;Refuse it not, it hath no tongue to vex you:And, I beseech you, come again to-morrow.What shall you ask of me, that I'll deny;That honour, saved, may upon asking give?
Vio.Nothing but this, your true love for my master.
Oli.How with mine honour may I give him thatWhich I have given to you?
Vio.I will acquit you.
Oli.Well, come again to-morrow: Fare thee well!
[ExitOlivia.
EnterSir TobyandFabian.
Sir To.Gentleman, heaven save thee.
Vio.And you, sir.
Sir To.That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not; but thy intercepter, full of despight, bloody as the hunter, attends thee: dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful, and deadly.
Vio.You mistake, sir; I am sure, no man hath any quarrel to me; my remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence done to any man.
Sir To.You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard; for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill, and wrath, can furnish man withal.
Vio.I pray you, sir, what is he?
Sir To.He is knight, dubb'd with unhack'd rapier, and on carpet consideration: but he is a devil in private brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and his incensement at this moment is so implacable, that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of deathand sepulchre: hob, nob, is his word; give 't or take 't.
Vio.I will return, and desire some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter.
Sir To.Back you shall not, unless you undertake that with me, which with as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on; or strip your sword stark naked, (for meddle you must, that's certain,) or forswear to wear iron about you.
Vio.This is as uncivil, as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what my offence to him is; it is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.
Sir To.I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return.
[ExitSir Toby.
Vio.'Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
Fab.I know, the knight is incensed against you, even to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.
Vio.I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
Fab.Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria: Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him, if I can.
Vio.I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one, that would rather go with sir priest, than sir knight: I care not who knows so much of my mettle.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Olivia'sGarden.
EnterSir Toby,withSir Andrew,in a great fright.
Sir To.Why, man, he's a very devil;—
Sir And.Oh!
Sir To.I have not seen such a virago. I had a pass with him,—rapier, scabbard, and all,—and he gives me the stuck-in,——
Sir And.Oh!
Sir To.With such a mortal motion, that it is inevitable: they say, he has been fencer to the Sophy.
Sir And.Plague on't, I'll not meddle with him.
Sir To.Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.
Sir And.Plague on't; an I thought he had been valiant, and so cunning in fence, I'd have seen him damn'd ere I had challenged him. Let him let the matter slip, and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet.
Sir To.I'll make the motion: Stand here, make a good show on't.—[Aside.] Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.
EnterFabianandViola.
I have his horse [ToFabian.] to take up the quarrel; I have persuaded him, the youth's a devil.
Fab.[ToSir Toby.] He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants, as if a bear were at his heels.
Sir To.[ToViola.] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight with you for his oath sake: marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw,for the supportance of his vow; he protests, he will not hurt you.
Vio.[Draws her Sword.] Pray heaven defend me!—[Aside.] A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
Fab.[ToViola.] Give ground, if you see him furious.
Sir To.Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you: he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on; to 't.
Sir And.[Draws.] Pray heaven, he keep his oath!
Vio.I do assure you, 'tis against my will.
[They fight.—Sir TobyandFabianurge onSir AndrewandViola.
EnterAntonio,who runs betweenSir AndrewandViola.
Ant.Put up your sword;—If this young gentlemanHave done offence, I take the fault on me;If you offend him, I for him defy you.
Sir To.You, sir? Why, what are you?
Ant.[Draws.] One, sir, that for his love dares yet do moreThan you have heard him brag to you he will.
Sir To.[Draws.] Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.
[Sir TobyandAntoniofight.]
[Sir Andrewhides himself behind the Trees.—Violaretires a little.]
Fab.[Parts them.] O good Sir Toby, hold; here come the officers.
Sir To.[ToAntonio.] I'll be with you anon. [Antonioshows great alarm—Sir Tobysheathes his sword.]— Sir knight,—Sir Andrew,—
Sir And.Here I am.
Sir To.What, man!—Come on. [BringsSir Andrewforward.]
Vio.[Advances.] 'Pray, sir, [ToSir Andrew.] put up your sword, if you please.
Sir And.Marry, will I, sir;—and, for that I promised you, I'll be as good as my word: He will bear you easily, and reins well.
Enter two Officers of Justice.
1 Off.This is the man; do thy office.
2 Off.Antonio, I arrest thee at the suitOf Duke Orsino.
Ant.You do mistake me, sir.
1 Off.No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well.—Take him away; he knows, I know him well.
Ant.I must obey.—This comes with seeking you;But there's no remedy.Now my necessityMakes me to ask you for my purse: It grieves meMuch more, for what I cannot do for you,Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;But be of comfort.
1 Off.Come, sir, away.
Ant.I must entreat of you some of that money.
Vio.What money, sir?For the fair kindness you have showed me here,And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,Out of my lean and low abilityI'll lend you something: my having is not much;I'll make division of my present with you;Hold, there is half my coffer.
Ant.Will you deny me now?Is't possible, that my deserts to youCan lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery;Lest that it make me so unsound a man,As to upbraid you with those kindnessesThat I have done for you.
Vio.I know of none;Nor know I you by voice, or any feature.
Ant.O heavens themselves!
1 Off.Come, sir, I pray you, go.
Ant.Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here,I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death;And to his image, which, methought, did promiseMost venerable worth, did I devotion.But, O, how vile an idol proves this god!—Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.—In nature there's no blemish, but the mind;None can be call'd deform'd, but the unkind:Virtue is beauty; but the beauteous-evilAre empty trunks, o'erflourish'd by the devil.
[ExeuntAntonioand Officers.
Sir To.Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian.
[They retire together.
Vio.He named Sebastian; I my brother knowYet living in my glass; even such, and so,In favour was my brother; and he wentStill in this fashion, colour, ornament;For him I imitate: O, if it prove,Tempests are kind, and salt waves fresh in love!
[ExitViola.