AUCTIONEERING AT MICHIGAN STATE FAIR—THREE DAYS CO-PARTNERSHIP WITH A SHOWMAN—MY PARTNER'S FAMILY ON EXHIBITION—OUR SUCCESS—TRAVELING NORTHWARD—BUSINESS INCREASES—FREQUENT TRADES IN HORSES AND WAGONS—THE POSSESSOR OF A FINE TURN-OUT—MR. KEEFER AGAIN ASKS ASSISTANCE—HOW I RESPONDED—TRAVELING WITH AN OX-TEAM AND CART—A GREAT ATTRACTION—SOLD OUT—TRAVELING BY RAIL—MY RETURN TO OHIO—MEETING THE CLAIRVOYANT DOCTOR—HOW I FOOLED HIM—QUAIL, TWELVE DOLLARS A DOZEN—THE DOCTOR LOSES HIS APPETITE.
AUCTIONEERING AT MICHIGAN STATE FAIR—THREE DAYS CO-PARTNERSHIP WITH A SHOWMAN—MY PARTNER'S FAMILY ON EXHIBITION—OUR SUCCESS—TRAVELING NORTHWARD—BUSINESS INCREASES—FREQUENT TRADES IN HORSES AND WAGONS—THE POSSESSOR OF A FINE TURN-OUT—MR. KEEFER AGAIN ASKS ASSISTANCE—HOW I RESPONDED—TRAVELING WITH AN OX-TEAM AND CART—A GREAT ATTRACTION—SOLD OUT—TRAVELING BY RAIL—MY RETURN TO OHIO—MEETING THE CLAIRVOYANT DOCTOR—HOW I FOOLED HIM—QUAIL, TWELVE DOLLARS A DOZEN—THE DOCTOR LOSES HIS APPETITE.
The Michigan State Fair was to be held at Jackson that year, and I managed to reach there on the opening day and commenced business at once. I sold on the grounds during the day, and on the streets down town in the evenings, doing a splendid business.
On the second day of the Fair a gentleman came up to my wagon, while I was getting ready to make a sale, and remarked that he had heard me down town the evening before, and was glad to see me doing so well; and told me that he had a business that he could make lots of money at if he could get started; but as he was completely stranded, he was unable to procure a license, or anything else.
In answer to my inquiry as to the nature of his business, he said he had a side-show.
I didn't ask what he had to show, but as I had been in almost every other business but that, I concluded to venture, and asked how much money he would need.
"Twenty-five dollars."
"Anything in it for me, if I'll furnish the money?"
"Yes; there will be half we make for you, after paying expenses."
"All right, sir; I'll help you to get a start."
We called on the Secretary, and after paying for our permit, sent for his canvas and very soon had it up.
THREE DAYS CO-PARTNERSHIP WITH A SIDE SHOW
I accompanied him down town at noon, and on our way asked what he had to show. He answered:
"The Fat Woman, the Dwarf, the Albino and the Circassian Girl."
When we came to his hotel he asked me in and introduced me to his wife, two sons and a daughter.
I asked him where the show people were.
"I have introduced you to all of them."
"But where is your Fat Woman?"
He pointed to his wife.
"Why, Great Heavens," I shouted, "she is not fat; she is as thin as a match and as long as a wagon track; how are you going to make her fat? And the Circassian Girl—where is she?"
He pointed to his daughter, whose hair was all done up in tins, and said to me:
"Never mind about the show. Every thing will be all right. You get there by one o'clock, and we'll be there ready for business."
Sure enough, they were there. The Fat Woman in her long silk robe, and as big as a hogshead.
The Dwarf in his swallow-tailed coat and wearing a plug hat, and his face deeply furrowed with wrinkles.
The Albino boy with his white hair, but lacking the pink eyes.
The Circassian Girl with her dark bushy hair standing out in all directions from her head.
The Albino played the fife, the Dwarf the snare drum, the Circassian lady the cymbals, and the Fat Woman the base-drum.
The first thing to be done was to erect a small stage on the outside, and the entire party came out, and after stationing themselves in proper order, opened up with music.
While this unique band was thus engaged, my new partner mounted the box and began talking at lightning speed. Crowds of people gathered, and after viewing the pictures of the living wonders on the canvas, and listening to the glowing description given of the "Greatest of living curiosities," they began pouring in and kept it up till the tent was packed full. Then the music ceased and the performers went inside, and the Professor singled them out and delivered a lecture on each one, telling their age, nationality, etc., after which he immediately announced the conclusion of the performance and motioned every one out.
As soon as the tent was cleared the band again made its appearance on the outside, and after attracting a crowd and filling the tent again, wouldstep inside to be exhibited, and this was repeated with immense success till the last day and last hour of the Fair.
It was amusing to see the people gather around and stare at the band of musicians while they were playing on the outside, and then step up and buy tickets to go inside and take another look at them; and, as there was no fault-finding, I suppose they were all satisfied.
I drove my auction wagon as close to the tent as possible, and as fast as I could work the crowd with my goods I would turn them over to my side-show partner, recommending it as absolutely the most singular and remarkable show I had ever seen.
I took the precaution to hire a man to take the tickets, so I had no occasion to interfere with the show; but the last day, in the afternoon, the Professor became almost exhausted; and leaving my wagon I took the blower's stand and relieved him, and through the excitement, soon discovered myself talking Curiosities with as much earnestness as if Barnum's whole menagerie had been inside the tent.
When we figured up and had deducted all expenses, we found ourselves six hundred dollarsahead, which was divided between us; but I had talked so much that I couldn't speak above a whisper.
I wrote home to my wife narrating my success in the show business exhibiting another man's wife and children, and suggested that she get herself and the little boy ready to start at a moment's notice, as I was liable to send for them very soon and start a circus of our own.
As I had no particular taste for that sort of business, however, I thought it best to quit while I was ahead. Consequently I stuck to auctioneering.
My business increased so rapidly as to render me unable to do any thing more with the polish, for which I was very glad. I made several horse and wagon trades, paying boot whenever it was necessary, as I made it a practice of always trading for something better, till at last a nice pair of horses and carriage became my property, with two trunks of goods.
I then worked north through Michigan, and began making regular street parades prior to opening my sale. I would drive around town ringing an auction bell and crying:
"Auction, auction! Everybody turn out upon the streets to-night! Bargains, bargains and no impositions!"
"Auction, auction! Everybody turn out upon the streets to-night! Bargains, bargains and no impositions!"
My success was almost invariably splendid.
A NOVEL TURN-OUT
Mr. Keefer wrote me about this time, that he was in need of assistance. His crops had been almost a total failure that year, through which he was unable to meet the payments due on a piece of land he had purchased.
I began an immediate search for a buyer for my horses and carriage, but without success, till one day an old gentleman bantered me to trade the entire outfit for a yoke of oxen and a two-wheeled cart, and was somewhat surprised when I showed my readiness to "swap" for five hundred dollars to boot.
He offered three hundred.
I fell to four.
He offered to split the difference, and I took him up before he had time to draw another breath.
He paid me three hundred and fifty dollars, and I transferred my trunks of goods and other baggage to the cart. When I did so the old gentleman and several others began to laugh, and said they guessed I'd have to hire a teamster, as Iwould find considerable difference between horses and oxen. I told them of my early boyhood experience in breaking steers, and to prove the truth of my assertion, took up the ox-whip and "gee-d" them around on the streets several times before starting out.
I remitted to Mr. Keefer, took my seat in the cart and continued north, reaching a small village just at sundown, where I made my usual parade, ringing the bell and crying out for everybody to come on Main street and witness the great performing feats of trained oxen. I think everybody must have responded; at any rate I actually made the best two hours' sale I had ever made in the auction business.
The next day I had a pair of blankets made for my team, and had them lettered, "Free Exhibition of Trained Oxen on the Streets this Evening."
On arriving at the next town I hired two small boys each to ride an ox, and ring a bell and halloo at the top of their voices, while I stood up between the trunks in the cart, also yelling and ringing a bell.
We succeeded in getting every one in town out and made a grand sale.
When about to close for the evening, I was asked to give an exhibition of my oxen. I replied that the oxen were there on exhibition, and no charge would be made to those who wished to look at them.
I was asked what they were trained to do.
I replied that among other things they were trained to stand without being hitched!
The fact had been fairly demonstrated that a yoke of trained oxen and cart paid better than a five-hundred-dollar team of horses with a carriage; but as winter was coming on, I saw the necessity of getting rid of them as soon as possible, and found a lumber-man who made me an offer which I accepted.
Then I began traveling by rail, and hiring a livery team in each town.
A few weeks later I returned to Ohio. On my way there I had to change cars at Jonesville, Michigan; and when I boarded the train on the Main Line I noticed, sitting in the second seat from the front door, my old friend the Clairvoyant Doctor. He looked as natural as the day I bade him good-bye at Pontiac, and was wearing the same old silk hat, swallow-tailed coat and plaid pants. There he sat, in his usual position,chin resting on his gold-headed cane, the plug hat poised on the back of his head, and eyes staring vacantly over his gold spectacles, which as usual were balancing across the end of his nose.
My first impulse was to grasp him by the hand, but on second thought I passed on to the third seat behind him, and settled down.
The train was soon under head-way, and I began wondering what I could do to have a little fun at his expense.
Just as I was about to give up the idea for the want of an opportunity, the train slackened up at the next station. As it came to a halt and everything was quiet, I yelled out at the top of my voice: "Change cars for Pocahontas."
The last word had scarcely left my lips when the old Doctor as quick as lightning jumped to his feet, and turning round with the speed of a cat, placed his cane on his seat, and with both hands resting on top of it and his hat on the back of his head, gave a wild, searching look over the car with his spectacles still hanging on the end of his nose. I held a newspaper up in front of me as if interested in reading. A great many people laughed, but of course they couldnot appreciate the joke as I could. The Doctor then resumed his seat, when I said in a loud tone of voice:
"If the majority of people had more brains and less impecuniosity they would be better off in this world."
At this the Doctor instantly jumped to his feet again and cried out:
"Johnston, you —— red-headed hyena, where are you?"
I then shook him by the hand, and, after quickly relating a part of my experience since leaving him, was informed that he had located in a thriving town in Northern Indiana and was doing well, but had abandoned Clairvoyance. As he was on his way to Toledo we had quite a chat. I referred to our late experience at Pocahontas, a portion of which he enjoyed immensely.
When we arrived at Toledo he said he believed he would eat his supper at the lunch-counter in the depot. Having about thirty minutes' time before my train left, and being a little hungry myself, besides wanting to prolong my visit with the Doctor, I decided to keep him company. He was very hungry and ordered a cold roasted quail with dressing, cold boiled eggs, biscuit, butterand coffee; while I ordered a ham sandwich and coffee.
He ate with a relish and spoke several times about the quail being so very fine, and suggested that I try one.
I told him I wasn't very hungry and didn't care for it.
When we had about half finished our meal another gentleman came rushing up to the counter, and noticing several nicely roasted whole quail ready to serve said:
"Give me one of those quail."
As the waiter handed it over he produced some change and asked how much it was.
"One dollar, sir," replied the waiter.
"Don't want it, don't want it, sir. I'll go up town and eat," and off he went.
"Great ——!" screamed the Doctor, hopping about in his customary frisky, jumping-jack style, and dropping the piece of quail he held in his fingers. "I shouldn't think he would want it. Why, Great Heavens! Great ——! Who ever heard of such a —— outrage. Think of it, Johnston, a dollar for one of those —— little quail, and they are hardly fit to eat. See here, waiter, do you think I am going to pay onedollar for a quail? I want you to understand I am from Indiana, andI knowwhat quail are worth by the dozen. Why, you infernal robbers, they can be bought not a hundred miles from here for one dollar a dozen, and they won't have been dead three months, either. Gentlemen, you have struck the wrong man for once, indeed you have. I am no —— fool; besides——"
"Yes," I interrupted, addressing the waiter, "besides, this gentleman used to wait on table himself in a hotel in Michigan, didn't you, Doctor?"
By this time several people had gathered around. He looked somewhat embarrassed for a moment, but instantly recovering himself and striking the lunch-counter with his fist, very excitedly cried out:
"No, sir; not by a —— sight I don't have to wait table; if I did I'd not work for a man who would dish up a tainted old quail worth eight cents and charge a dollar for it. Why, —— it, Johnston, just think of it—a dollar a dozen in Indiana and a dollar apiece here."
"But, Doctor, go on and finish your meal. You seemed to be enjoying it a little while ago, and spoke of the quail being very nice; and Iam certain you haven't more than half finished. Go ahead and eat."
"Oh, eat be ——! I'm not hungry, and if I were I'd eat something besides quail at twelve dollars a dozen. Good ——! If a quail comes to a dollar what in —— nation do you suppose they'll charge for a full meal? It's —— robbery, and I'll not be robbed by them. I'll go down town and eat, as that other man did."
"But, Doctor, what are you going to do? You have eaten about half of that quail, and I can't see how you expect to fix it."
"Well, if quail are in such great demand as to be worth a dollar apiece, they will surely have use for any part of one, and if they wish to take back what I have not eaten, and give me credit for it, I'll settle for the balance. Otherwise I'll stand a lawsuit; for, —— it, Johnston, I tell you I can buy them by the car-load in Indiana for one dollar a——"
"All aboard going east!" shouted the conductor, and, quickly settling my bill and bidding the Doctor good-bye, I left him and the waiter to settle the quail question.
A CO-PARTNERSHIP FORMED IN THE AUCTION BUSINESS—HOW IT ENDED—A NEW FRIEND—HIS GENEROSITY—EXHIBITING A TALKING MACHINE—IT FAILED TO TALK—HOW I ENTERTAINED THE AUDIENCE—IN THE ROLE OF A PHRENOLOGIST.
A CO-PARTNERSHIP FORMED IN THE AUCTION BUSINESS—HOW IT ENDED—A NEW FRIEND—HIS GENEROSITY—EXHIBITING A TALKING MACHINE—IT FAILED TO TALK—HOW I ENTERTAINED THE AUDIENCE—IN THE ROLE OF A PHRENOLOGIST.
On my return home I met an old acquaintance who had just sold out his grocery and was anxious to invest with me in the auction business. We very soon formed a co-partnership, he furnishing one thousand dollars and I five hundred.
We opened at Upper Sandusky, in a store room, with a stock of notions, hosiery and underwear, but from the very first began losing money. The roads were very muddy, and it rained day in and day out. The weather was warm and there was no demand for our goods. We moved from one town to another with but poor success, hoping for cold weather and a demand for sox and underwear. However, "luck," as we called it, was against us, and when springcame we invoiced and found ourselves with about six hundred dollars' worth of stock on hand.
I then made clear to him that at the rate we had been losing money, we would probably have about five hundred dollars cash after winding up provided we commenced at once and sold out as soon as possible. I suggested that we do so, and I would turn that amount over to him, which would leave us each just five hundred dollars out of pocket for the winter's work.
Hank said he was perfectly satisfied, and I should go on and close out, and he would go home and attend to other business.
I worked into Indiana, and succeeded in finishing just about as we had figured on, for after sending him the last remittance to make up the five hundred dollars, I had about four dollars in cash and an old trunk left.
Elkhart, Indiana, was the town I closed out in, and while stopping there at the hotel I became acquainted with a physician and surgeon from Chicago, Dr. S. W. Ingraham, whose office is now on South Clark Street.
He had been called there to perform a surgical operation, and being obliged to spend an hour or two in the hotel office before taking a returntrain, he became an interested listener to several stories told by a couple of drummers and myself. He finally told one or two which convinced us that we had struck an old-timer. After we had related some personal experiences I learned, to my great delight, that the Doctor's experience had been almost as varied as my own. He began by relating the different kinds of business he had engaged in while a young man; but he was unable to mention a single thing that I hadn't embarked in and of which I could show up a smattering of knowledge.
Finally he said:
"Now, Johnston, I am going to head you off right here."
"What is it, Doctor? I am anxious to know what it is."
"Well sir, I'll bet you never made a political speech, and I stumped Ohio during one campaign and made one speech a night for ten consecutive weeks."
"I can beat that. I stumped Ohio for Hayes and Tilden, and made two speeches on the platform for one consecutive night."
"But how could you speak for Hayes and Tilden? One was a Democrat and the other a Republican."
"No matter, I did it anyhow, and all in the same speech, too."
And to prove the correctness of my statement, as the Doctor seemed a little incredulous, I jumped to my feet and delivered a part of my Republican speech and then a part of the Democratic, and then headed him off by relating my experience running a fruit stand, the three days with a side-show, besides one or two other ventures. When I told him I was an auctioneer he at once became interested in me, as he had been one himself in his younger days. I quickly satisfied him that I could sell at auction, and he likewise convinced me that he "had been there." I then narrated the ups and downs I had had, and showed up my books for the winter's losses, and how I had just sent my late partner about all the money I had. He asked my plans for the future. I told him about my furniture polish, and that it was always a sure thing. He listened attentively, and after a moment's reflection said:
"But the time of year is just coming when you could make money fast if you had a nice auction stock."
"I know that; and another thing I know is just how to do it now, as I have paid well for my experience."
"Well," said the Doctor, surprising me as he reached down into his pocket and produced a roll of bills, "I am going to loan you one hundred dollars, and I know you will pay it back before three months."
I thanked him, but told him fifty dollars would answer, as I could get along nicely and would prefer to commence as low down as I dared. He insisted that a hundred would be none too much, but I declined to accept more than fifty, and immediately sent to Chicago for a stock of just such goods as I felt certain would sell well and not be too bulky.
I assured the Doctor that if I were successful I would pay him back, and if I was not I would never cross the street to shun him when I came to Chicago, but would surely call on him and acknowledge the debt, anyhow.
I had heard and read of men like Doctor Ingraham, but he was the first of his kind that I had ever met; and realizing that such friendship could not be valued too highly, I determined to not only repay him, but to let him have the satisfaction of knowing sooner or later that the start he gave me had developed into something of consequence.
After he bade me farewell and started for home, I was at a loss to know what to do while waiting for my goods, and had almost concluded to have a few bottles of polish made up with which to make a few dollars, when a young man appeared at the hotel with a very peculiar-looking cylindrical instrument in a box. I was curious to know what it was, and as he looked rather tired and sorry, I ventured to inquire what he had in there. He answered:
"Oh, it's nothing but a 'talking machine.'"
I was fairly dumfounded, and thought perhaps he was casting a slur, as I had been doing considerable talking. At any rate I felt that whether he was telling the truth or not, I had a right to take exceptions.
EXHIBITING A PHONOGRAPH NEAR ELKHART, IND
If he had meant to slur me, I would be insulted.
If he had told the truth, I had a right to oppose unfair competition.
I then demanded an explanation, and assured him that I did nothing elsebuttalk, and considered I had a perfect right to investigate any sort of a machine that would be at all likely to monopolize the business.
He then took the cover off the box and showedme an Edison phonograph, which he had gotten in exchange for a horse. He had come on there expecting to meet his cousin, who was to furnish the money, and they were going to travel and exhibit it.
I asked him to "set 'er going" and let me hear it spout an hour or two. He said it would take several minutes to arrange it, besides he didn't like to use up any more tin foil than was necessary, as he hadn't much on hand.
I asked him what he thought of doing. He said he didn't know, but guessed he'd go back home if his cousin didn't come.
"Why can't you and I give an exhibition?" I asked.
"Where will we give it?"
"Suppose we go to some country school-house a few miles out and give a show to-morrow evening?"
"All right, I'm willing. I have plenty of small hand-bills."
"Then we'll hire a team to-morrow morning and drive out to some thickly-settled neighborhood and advertise it. You're sure it'll talk, are you?"
"Talk? You bet it'll talk!"
The next morning we were up and ready for business, and, after hiring a horse and wagon, started out.
After driving several miles, we found a place where we thought it would pay to stop, and upon inquiring for the school directors, were referred to a farmer living near by.
We called on him, and after stating our business and promising himself and family passes, were given an order on the school-teacher for the key, when she had locked up for the day. We drove directly there, where we found nearly forty scholars in attendance.
After making the teacher's acquaintance and explaining our business, she gave us permission to deliver a circular to each one present, and to make an announcement.
This I managed to do, and stated to them that if I had time after the performance with the talking machine, I would deliver a lecture on Telegraphy, and explain the manner of sending messages, and how batteries were made, and how long it would take a message to travel from New York to San Francisco.
My idea, of course, was to represent as much of an attraction as possible, as I felt certain thatif we got them there, and got the machine to talking once, they would forget all about Telegraphy.
On our way out my partner had drilled me on what to say to the Phonograph in order to have the words reproduced distinctly. He said it was necessary to use a certain set of words that I could speak very distinctly, and that would be penetrating, and recommended the following:
"Dickery-dickery-dock,The-mouse-ran-up-the-clock,The-clock-struck-one,And the-mouse-ran-down,Dickery-dickery-dock."
"Dickery-dickery-dock,The-mouse-ran-up-the-clock,The-clock-struck-one,And the-mouse-ran-down,Dickery-dickery-dock."
"Dickery-dickery-dock,
The-mouse-ran-up-the-clock,
The-clock-struck-one,
And the-mouse-ran-down,
Dickery-dickery-dock."
After making arrangements at this school-house, we started out and visited two other districts and advertised our performance. The result was that people came from all directions, in carriage and wagon loads. They had all heard or read of Edison's talking machine, and were anxious to see and hear it.
The house was packed, and we took in over forty dollars at the door.
At eight o'clock I announced everything ready for the exhibition, and requested all to remain as quiet as possible throughout the performance.
Of course I was as ignorant of the manner ofmanipulating the talking machine as any one of the audience.
I didn't know whether the thing had to be "blowed up" or "wound up," and was obliged to leave it all with my partner, who seemed perfectly confident of its success.
After arranging the tin foil he took hold of the crank, began turning, and instructed me to place my mouth over the instrument and speak my little piece about the mouse and clock. After finishing, I stepped back to await results.
He turned the crank, and the thing gave just one unearthly, agonizing groan and, I imagined, rolled its eyes back, and gasping for breath, died a natural death.
The audience showed a look of disappointment. I endeavored to convince them by my careless, indifferent manner that it was only a common occurrence, and that all would soon be right.
My partner tried to laugh it off and make believe it was a good joke, but I noticed very quickly large drops of perspiration standing on his forehead as he busied himself in trying to fix the machine.
At last he was ready to try it again, andinstructed me to speak louder and more distinctly than I did before. I was determined that he should not lay the blame to me for not talking loud enough, and therefore used all the strength and power of lungs and voice that I could command. The result was less satisfactory than before, for not a sound could we get from it.
The audience began to show impatience, and from different words and expressions that came from them we were convinced that they were not going to submit easily to anything but an exhibition of some kind.
By this time my partner had taken off his coat and vest, although it was really cold enough for an overcoat, and the perspiration was fairly dripping from him. He was much excited and I wasn't feeling any too gay myself.
We began working on the machine together, which gave us a chance to converse in an undertone. I asked if he had ever tried to run it before. He said no, but he was certain he knew how.
I told him it really looked as though he must have boarded and roomed with Edison when he conceived the idea of making the thing.
"Are you positively certain it ever did talk?"
"I know it has talked."
"Did you ever hear it?"
"No, but my cousin did."
"Great Scott, man! you don't know whether this is a Phonograph or a washing-machine; and I am certain it looks more like the latter. What are we going to do?"
He said he guessed we'd better give back the money and let them go.
"Yes, that would be a bright thing! Do you suppose I'd give back this money? Not much."
"Well, but we'll have to. What can we do?"
"What can we do? Well sir, we've got to do something to entertain these people and hold their money, if you and I have to give them a double song and dance."
"My gracious, Johnston, I can't dance!"
"But you have got to dance. I can't dance either, but this is a 'ground-hog case,' and we've got to dance and sing too."
"I guess I'll announce to them that you will favor them with a song and single clog, and then we will appear together."
As I stepped to the table I heard him say:
"I'll take my hat and run!"
Then, stepping to the front, I said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you will be patient with us a few moments. The trouble is just this: We brought the Phonograph over here in an open wagon, and as the weather has been cold and damp, and we forgot to keep the thing blanketed, it took a severe cold, which seems to have settled on its lungs, rendering it unable to speak above a whisper. But with your kind indulgence we hope to doctor it up and be ready to give you a nice exhibition in a few moments."
Of course I expected our audience to laugh at and ridicule the idea of its taking cold, and was surprised that not a single person cracked a smile, but, on the contrary, every one seemed to gaze at the instrument with a look of sympathy.
When I returned to my partner, who was still trying to fix it, he was nervous and showed much agitation, and said:
"Oh, what a relief. I would have sunk through the floor if you had announced what you said you were going to."
"Do you think you can fix it?"
"It don't look like it. Say, Johnston, suppose you deliver that lecture on Photography?"
"On Telegraphy, you mean."
"Oh yes, Telegraphy. Go ahead."
"But it won't take three minutes to tell all I know about that."
"Well then, by Jove, we've got to give back the money."
"Not much! No giving back the money with me; and as I sold the tickets and have the cash, you can rely on that. You have got to do something to entertain these people. You can sing can't you?"
"Indeed I can not."
"Can you whistle?"
"No, sir."
"Can you do anything? Can you speak a piece?"
"Johnston, if my life was at stake I couldn't do a thing! —— the old talking machine anyhow! I wish—"
"Say, I'll tell you what we'll do. I'll announce to them that the Phonograph is too sick to talk, and will give them a choice of three things: Either a lecture on Phrenology or Telegraphy, or an imitation of a Yankee peddler selling his wares at auction; and the moment I say 'auction' you look up and begin to laugh and clap your hands and say, 'Johnston, give them the Yankee peddler; that's the best of all.'"
He agreed, and when I made the announcement he had no sooner carried out my instructions than the whole house cried as with one voice:
"Yes, yes, give us the Yankee peddler!"
Then I felt relieved and knew we had them. I then explained that Yankee peddlers usually carried handkerchiefs, sox, hosiery, shears, shoe-laces, suspenders, soap, pencils, pins, razors, knives, etc., and if some one of the crowd would name any article, I would go through the formality of selling it on the down east Dutch auction style.
A lad sitting near me on a front seat cried out:
"Here, Mister, play you are selling my knife," and reaching out and taking it in my hand, after making a few preliminary remarks, I began with the twang of the almost extinct down east Yankee, and in a high-pitched voice and at lightning speed, rattled off:
"Now, ladies and gentlemen, the first article I am going to offer for your inspection is a fine silver-steel blade knife with a mother-of-pearl handle, brass lined, round-joint tapped and riveted tip top and bottom a knife made underan act of Congress at the rate of thirty-six dollars per dozen there is a blade for every day in the week and a handle for your wife to play with on Sunday it will cut cast-iron steam steel wind or bone and will stick a hog frog toad or the devil and has a spring on it like a mule's hind leg and sells in the regular way for—"
I then went on with my usual plan of selling, and introduced the endless variety of sayings and jokes which I had been two years manufacturing and collecting, and then went on through the whole list of Yankee notions, giving my full description of everything, to the great satisfaction of my audience and the surprise of my partner, who was in ignorance of the fact of my ever having been in the auction business.
I kept this up for over two hours and kept the crowd laughing almost constantly. This, I considered, was about as much as any show could do, and felt that I was not only entitled to their money, but that I had struck quite a novel way of utilizing my knowledge of auctioneering.
After closing the entertainment the people gathered around, and many of them wanted me to stay in the neighborhood and deliver a lecturethe next night on Phrenology. But as we were billed at Elkhart for that date, it was impossible to do so. We remained over night with the school director, and the next morning he requested me to delineate the character of his son by an examination of his head.
I had always been interested in the study of human nature, and consequently had taken considerable pains to read up and post myself on Physiognomy. I had a fair knowledge of temperaments, and altogether was enabled to pass fair judgment on the lad. While I hadn't the slightest knowledge of Phrenology, I was more or less familiar with the terms used by them, such as benevolence, veneration, firmness, self-esteem, approbativeness, caution, combativeness, ideality, etc., etc., and began at once to delineate the boy's character.
When I placed my fingers on the front part of the boy's head and looked wise, saying "large combativeness," the father said:
"Great Cæsar! do you locate combativeness in the front of the head?"
"Who in thunder said it was in the front of the head?"
"But you put your fingers on the front part of the head."
"Yes, possibly so, but if I did my thumb was at the same time resting on the bump of combativeness. My gracious, any one knows where that is!"
This satisfied him, and the whole family were delighted with the boy's prospects when I had finished.
We were then ready to leave, and when I asked how much our bill would be, he said he guessed two dollars would be about right, and then inquired what my charges would be for examining the boy's head. I told him two dollars and a half was the usual price, but we'd call it square on our board bill. He said he thought it would be about right to call it even.
My partner thought it the most wonderful thing he had ever heard of that I should be able to jump up before that large crowd of people, as I did the night before, and conjure up such a lot of talk on notions, and he couldn't see how I did it. He said he believed I was inspired.
On our return to Elkhart we divided our cash and dissolved partnership.
IN THE AUCTION BUSINESS AGAIN—A NEW CONVEYANCE FOR STREET SALES—MY TRIP THROUGH THE LUMBER REGIONS—A SUCCESSFUL SUMMER CAMPAIGN—A WINTER'S TRIP THROUGH THE SOUTH—MY RETURN TO GRAND RAPIDS, MICH.—A TRIP TO LAKE SUPERIOR—SELLING NEEDLES AS A SIDE ISSUE—HOW I DID IT—STATE LICENSE DEMANDED BY AN OFFICER—HOW I TURNED THE TABLES ON HIM—BUYING OUT A COUNTRY STORE—A GREAT SALE OF PAPER CAMBRIC DRESS PATTERNS—A COMPROMISE WITH THE BUYERS—MY RETURN TO CHICAGO—FLUSH AND FLYING HIGH.
IN THE AUCTION BUSINESS AGAIN—A NEW CONVEYANCE FOR STREET SALES—MY TRIP THROUGH THE LUMBER REGIONS—A SUCCESSFUL SUMMER CAMPAIGN—A WINTER'S TRIP THROUGH THE SOUTH—MY RETURN TO GRAND RAPIDS, MICH.—A TRIP TO LAKE SUPERIOR—SELLING NEEDLES AS A SIDE ISSUE—HOW I DID IT—STATE LICENSE DEMANDED BY AN OFFICER—HOW I TURNED THE TABLES ON HIM—BUYING OUT A COUNTRY STORE—A GREAT SALE OF PAPER CAMBRIC DRESS PATTERNS—A COMPROMISE WITH THE BUYERS—MY RETURN TO CHICAGO—FLUSH AND FLYING HIGH.
As my goods had arrived at Elkhart, I started out immediately, selling from a trunk, and met with splendid success. I concluded to make a trip north, through the lumber country. As my facilities were going to be poor for hiring livery teams in the majority of those towns, with whichto drive out upon the streets to make a sale, I began trying to invent something to take with me on which to put my trunks when selling.
One day I saw a gentleman pushing a two-wheeled cart, and it occurred to me that I could put end-boards on it, and after placing a trunk on each end I could stand up very nicely in the center, which would bring me at just about the proper height above my audience.
Acting accordingly, I bought the cart, and after having the end-boards put on and a standard made to fasten at the rear end of the box to keep the thing from tipping backward, I bought another trunk and made "a pitch" with it.
>MY UNIQUE CONVEYANCE IN THE MINING AND LUMBER CAMP
It was just the thing. I could give the baggage-men on the trains from twenty-five to fifty cents each time I made a trip and when I arrived at my destination it would be thrown off with my trunks. I was thereafter troubled no more with the annoyance of procuring a suitable conveyance to sell from.
I traveled through the lumber country in Michigan and very soon remitted my new friend, Doctor Ingraham, the full amount of my indebtedness, and explained to him my new plan which was saving me lots of money in livery hire.
His reply, acknowledging the receipt of the money, did me more good than the making of a small fortune would have done. He assured me that if I ever needed assistance I could always depend on him, as he liked a good "hus'ler" and liked to favor them all he could, when he knew they were square.
My wife joined me a few weeks later, leaving little Frankie with my mother. She traveled with me all summer and business kept fairly good. We continued on till fall, when she returned to Ohio and I went South to the climate my mother had previously recommended as adapted to straw hats and linen dusters.
I remained there during the winter, meeting with fair success, and returned to Grand Rapids, Michigan, where I remained a few weeks.
On May first my wife met me there, when we started on a trip to the Lake Superior country, visiting all the mining towns and meeting with unusually good success.
During the entire trip I paid all our traveling expenses with the sale of needles. This I managed by employing four small boys each day in every town to peddle them for me. I put the needles up in twenty-five cent packages, andgave each boy five cents commission per package on his sales, and always made it a point to select not more than one boy from any particular neighborhood or locality, and instructed him to call on every relative and neighbor he had, and if possible make a sale; and for every extra day I remained in town I would employ a new set of boys. In this way I managed to reach almost every house in every town I visited, and although my time was almost wholly occupied in keeping my auction stock in shape, I was able to manage this little scheme so as to net me a regular profit of from three to ten dollars per day.
I still kept my two-wheeled cart, which I could hardly have dispensed with in a country where horses and carriages were scarce. We pushed our way toward the north, with but few incidents worthy of mention.
At Sault St. Marie we were obliged to remain five days before getting a boat to Marquette, and the first night I opened my sale there was called upon by an officer who demanded a State license. This was the first time I had ever been asked for State license, and the first intimation I had ever had that there was a law requiring it. But asGovernor Crosswell and staff were then visiting the town and were at that moment sitting on the porch of the hotel witnessing my sale, it instantly occurred to me that the gentleman was making himself over-officious, with a view to making a favorable impression upon the State officials.
And as he showed considerable awkwardness in demanding a license by inquiring if I had State license to sell, I quickly "sized him up" and said:
"No sir, I have no license to sell, but I have soap and fine tooth combs for sale, and the Lord knows you need them more than you do a license."
He appeared considerably offended and displaying his star said:
"I demand your license, sir!"
"Do you understand the laws regarding your duty as an officer?"
"I think I do, sir."
"Then, sir, you know you have no right, under the law, to ask me for a license. Your only course is to make inquiries of the Secretary of State, and as that official is sitting right there on the porch, not more than twenty feet from here, I'll refer you to him; but unless you areprepared to pay damages don't you interrupt me again, for I want you to distinctly understand that my license entitles me to the privilege of doing all the talking there is done here to-night, and I propose to do it. If you have anything to say, you must go outside the corporation."
I resumed business immediately, when I heard the officer say (as he passed out, amid the hisses and laughter of my audience):
"I'll see a lawyer about this."
The next day I interviewed the Governor and the State Secretary and Treasurer, and was informed that there was a law requiring the payment of fifteen dollars per annum for State license.
I prevailed upon them to allow me to pay the amount to them and receive a receipt for it to show I had acted in good faith, and they were to forward my license to me at Marquette.
The next night, just as I had gotten nicely started with my sale, the same officer came up again and demanded my license, saying he had spent some time with a good lawyer in looking up the law, and he knew it was his duty to demand a license of me direct. I said:
"Well, if you'll jump up here and hand outthese boxes of soap, so as not to interfere with my sale, I'll go inside and get my license."
He agreed, and climbed into the cart, when I stepped back in the crowd and began urging every one about me to patronize him as much as possible, and explained to them that I intended to stay away and let him worry it out till he got tired. He made several sales and then began to look anxious and silly. I still kept in the background and he sent a boy into the hotel to learn my whereabouts. The lad returned with the information that I had not been there since I opened my sale.
After the crowd had laughed at him and the small boys had "guyed" him till he was ready to quit, I stepped up briskly and said:
"Mister, have you got either State or city license to act as an auctioneer, or to hawk goods upon the street at public sale?"
He said he didn't need any.
"Very well, sir," I said as I climbed in the cart and forced him out, "as this is America, where one man's rights are as good as another's, I guess I can get along without license if you can."
The crowd laughed again and he stepped offwithout molesting me further. The only satisfaction I experienced was that of beating him at his own game, and I had gotten rid of him without having to show up my receipt.
When it was given to me by one of the State officials, he remarked that while he didn't think I would be likely to get into any difficulty so long as I could show it up, he was certain that by law I had no authority to sell till I had procured the license. I therefore thought best to avoid showing my receipt till the very last resort. I made several other sales there, but was not molested again.
Our next town was Marquette, where our success was far beyond our expectation. I remember the first night I sold there, just as I had started in and was having a big run, a tall, slim man with a very intelligent face and a large, red nose, but rather roughly dressed, came rushing through the crowd, swearing at the top of his voice and calling me all manner of names. I shouted at the very top of my voice:
"Stop, sir! Stop right where you are!" And as he obeyed me I said:
"Don't you advance another step, sir! If you open your mouth again I'll have you arrested!"
"Hic—hic—what for?"
"For violating the revenue law," I quickly answered, discovering he was intoxicated.
"Hic-for-hic-for violating the revenue law, did you say?"
"Yes sir, that's what; and as sure as you open your mouth again I'll have you arrested. You are old enough and have had experience enough to know better than to come out here on Main Street and open a rum-hole without paying license!"
The crowd yelled and screamed and whooped and shouted with unusual enthusiasm, which at once convinced me that I had struck something different from the ordinary, and my opinion was fully confirmed when he commenced to laugh, and stepping within my reach began buying my goods as fast as I could hand them to him. He never opened his mouth, but kept reaching for the goods as fast as I could count them and pass them out, and handed me a dollar for each sale, as I was selling in dollar lots. This he kept up till he had loaded himself and several friends, and started off, saying he would be back the next night.
After he left I was informed that he was worth several millions, which he had made in iron and copper mines.
The next night I went out with my cart rather early, as usual, and lighted my torches and returned to the hotel to await the regular time for opening. When I came out again I was surprised to see every window in every building around me occupied by nicely dressed ladies, and the streets filled with handsome horses drawing carriages occupied, as I could see, by a well-to-do class of people.
It was remarked by many the next day that there never had been as large a crowd gathered on the street at one time before, and the result of my sale, which was three times larger than any I had ever before had, proved to me what a little free advertising could do.
I looked in vain, as did also many of my audience, for the rich miner, but he didn't come.
We continued on towards the copper country, working the iron mining towns on our way, arriving at Houghton the middle of July.
The next day after making my first sale there, I was walking down street, and when passing a store room a gentleman came to the door and said:
"You're just the man that ought to buy me out and sell the goods at auction."
"What have you got?"
"I have everything—boots, shoes, suits of clothes, overcoats, dishes, notions and I don't know what I haven't got."
I asked his reason for selling. He replied that it was a stock that had gone through a fire, and he had bought it for a few hundred dollars and was then six hundred dollars ahead, and would sell the balance cheap. I stepped inside and after glancing over the stock asked his price.
"Six hundred dollars."
"I'll give you just twenty-five per cent. of that, and no more," and started to walk out.
"I'll take two hundred fifty."
"No sir," taking a roll of money from my pocket and showing it to him, "one hundred and fifty, and your cash in your fingers."
"All right, count it out."
"But step to the Recorder's office and assure me that there is no mortgage on your stock and that it belongs to you, and after giving me a bill of sale your money is ready."
He did so, and I made the purchase.
In this stock was a quantity of paper cambric of all colors, and when the firemen were trying to put out the fire they had deluged it,and the result was that the water had soaked through it and had carried with it all the colors, leaving each piece variegated.
I was at a loss to know what to do with it, and finally concluded to cut it up into dress patterns of sixteen and two-thirds yards and then give one pattern away with each dollar sale that evening when I sold at auction.
That night, before opening my sale, I picked up one of the pieces, and handing one end of it to a boy, requested him to run down the street with it till he got it all straightened out. While the boy was holding to one end and I to the other, I went on and explained that I had that day bought out Mr. ——, and as I had no knowledge of the dry-goods business and couldn't tell a piece of calico from an Irish tarpaulin, that they must not blame me if I sold them silk for Canton flannel.
Besides the paper cambric I had a lot of other pieces of dress goods, which were in good shape and which I intended to sell to the highest bidder.
Just as I was about to inaugurate my gift enterprise scheme, some gentleman of German descent cried out in broken English:
"Swei dollar."
I at once yelled:
"Sold for two dollars, and who will have the next sixteen and two-thirds yards for two dollars?"
"I'll take 'em," "I'll take 'em," "Here," "Here," "Give me one," "Give me one," they all shouted at once, and the two-dollars were as thick as hailstones in less than a second. I stood there and tossed out the dress patterns and caught their two-dollar bills and silver pieces like a Chinese juggler. After I had cleaned out every dollar's worth of the cambric I said:
"Gentlemen, I am going to be frank with you now, and advise you not to represent to your wives that you have any great bargain in these dress patterns, for they may be better posted than any of us are. But I'll tell you what I'll do, boys. If you are dissatisfied now I'll give you two dollars' worth of any other goods I have, and take the dress patterns back; or if your wives are not satisfied they can come to the store to-morrow at ten o'clock and I'll give them two dollars' worth of any goods I have in exchange for the patterns."
They agreed that that was fair, and all stayed and I made a splendid sale of notions.
The next day, at two o'clock, I went down to the store and found a crowd of women large enough to fill a small circus tent. Each one had a dress pattern, and as I passed by to unlock the door each had something to say. The crowd was composed of all classes—Polish, Norwegian, Irish, German, Cornish, etc. The Irish, with their sharp tongues and quick wit, were predominant, and all together they had considerable sport in relating what their husbands had to say when they brought home the dress patterns and learned that those same goods had been offered for one-fourth of a cent a yard ever since the fire. I took every piece back and allowed them to trade it out. I employed two young men to help me that afternoon and took down each lady's name and then jumped up and made an auction sale to them. We kept each lady's purchase by itself, and after the sale had a final settlement with them, many of whom had bought enough to bring them considerably in my debt.
This was one of the very best advertisements for me, as it convinced the people that I would do by them as I agreed; and they all considered it a good joke, and the afternoon sale having made me acquainted with many women, I hadno trouble in getting a large crowd every night who bought freely.
After making several sales at Houghton I packed up and went over to Hancock and Red Jacket, where I met with flattering success. As nearly as I could estimate it, I cleared about twelve hundred dollars on my investment of one hundred and fifty.
I sold nearly everything at an advance on the regular first cost, but when I came to look through the boxes and drawers and sort all the goods contained in my new stock, I was much surprised and greatly pleased.
I remained at Red Jacket six weeks, making sales every night.
On the first of September, as it had begun to get cold up there, and in fact had twice snowed a very little the last of August, we returned to Chicago, when I immediately called on my friend Doctor Ingraham. He didn't recognize me until I took a large roll of bills, containing over three thousand dollars, from my pocket and said:
"Doctor, I would be pleased to loan you a hundred dollars and I'll bet you will pay it back in less than three months."
"O-ho, Johnston, you have got to the front, haven't you? How are you?—how are you?" shaking me warmly by the hand.