CHAPTER VI.
Getting a Knowledge of Scheme Goods—Frightening the Ladies—Trick at Church Fair—Street Work—The Catchy Little Lookbacks—Giving Them Away—The Horse and Loaf of Bread Trick—Handling Microscopes.
I now had capital enough to purchase a stock of goods and to embark in the business of traveling salesman and fakir after the most approved fashion.
Unfortunately, perhaps, I had no such stock to my hand, and as yet not sufficiently versed in the ways of the trade to know exactly what I wanted, or where to get it. At present I was inclined to wait until I could hear from Dr. Carter before making any investment. I was willing to trust to his judgment, rather than to anyone else, as to what would be a swift selling novelty, and how to handle it.
Later on I was seldom thus at fault.
There are thousands of firms throughout the country which transact their business exclusively through agents. Many of them make a specialty of fakirs’ goods, and are always on the lookout for something new. They get all the novelties, as fast as they come out, and bring them before the public by advertising.
I afterwards watched the want columns of all the newspapers, and wrote to different firms for their catalogues. I did not patronize every firm, but by thus getting in touch with them I was able to keep posted on everything new in the market, and thereby make a selection of the best.
Of this course I had some idea, having been posted by the professor; but as yet had not had time to put it in practice. However, I did not intend to remain idle in the interim. Time was money, and I could not afford to squander either. I looked over the city in a hurry, and began to feel almost ashamed. Here was a whole day almost gone, and I had done nothing. I might hear from the doctor as early as the following day, but that was not tonight. What was I to do with myself? Perhaps the hours were not so nearly lost as I imagined, but I certainly felt uneasy. Not being able to find work, work found me.
It so happened that the good women of the Baptist church had a fair going on in the town hall, the proceeds to go for new furniture for the parsonage, their young minister having been lately married. This was the last night, and they had a number of articles on hand which it was proposed to auction off. Among them was a large cake, beautifully frosted and decorated, which they had believed would bring them good money.
Unfortunately, at the last moment, word came that the auctioneer could not be present.
Here was a pretty kettle of fish. It is not every one who can play the auctioneer, and the crowd had been counting on having as much amusement as profit out of this closing sale.
I heard the members anxiously whispering among themselves, with many ahs and plenty of ohs, and to listen to them one would suppose that the whole church outfit was on the verge of ruin. Though my native modesty would have kept me out of the ring, I could not stand the sight of their tribulation, and came to the front with a smile, offering my services in as bland and genteel a manner as I was capable of assuming.
I was a stranger to them all, except so far as I had made a few friends that evening through some liberal patronage at a few of the various stands, but after looking me over they must have decided there was something in my appearance quite in my favor. They promptly accepted my services, and I took a place on the stand without hesitation. A man who had lately cleaned out such an old stock of goods as I had done would hardly have much fear of tackling a prize cake at a church festival.
Pushing up my cuffs I began:
“Ladies and gentlemen: It is hardly necessary to remark that I am a stranger within your gates, and a very strange stranger at that. I want to tell you that you have a very fine little city—the greatest one, in fact, I ever saw—especially for a man who is about down to bed-rock. When I landed here this morning I was expecting remittances. I had just ten cents in my pocket, and was hungry as a bear. Yes, sirs and madames, I was just awfully hungry. I do believe if I had found a map of the world at that moment I could have eaten the Sandwich Islands.
“But listen. I went into a restaurant and, walking up to the waiter, said, ‘See here, my man, what do you charge for chickens?’ ‘Two dollars apiece,’ he replied. ‘What do you charge for eggs and bread and butter?’ I asked. ‘Four eggs for a dime and the rest thrown in,’ was his answer. ‘Give me the four eggs,’ said I; and would you believe it, the first egg I opened I found a chicken. There I was, one dollar and ninety cents ahead on the first clatter.
“Then I went around to a hotel to put up for the day, and I hadn’t more than registered when the strangest thing happened you ever heard of. All the victuals in the kitchen got into an argument. There was a piece of chicken on the shelf and it saw the Worcestershire sauce at the other end. Turning to the salt it said, ‘Will you please pass me that bottle of liniment, I’ve got the rheumatism;’ and that started the biggest kind of a fight. It was a regular rough and tumble affair, in which everybody took a hand except the syrup—that was too stuck up. The coffee was weak, and made a poor showing, but the sugar was rather sweet on it and turned in to help it out. The vinegar looked on with a sour, sarcastic air without interfering, and the pepper was so bitter at the whole crowd it just urged them all to fight the harder. The butter thought it was pretty strong and pitched in for a little fun, but they soon melted it. The cook stove, which was nursing a fire, watched the fight from its door, and was beginning to get pretty warm. The longer it looked at them the hotter it grew, until it couldn’t stand it any more and began to yell for the police. Oh, it was terrible. The cabbage came out with a swelled head, the potatoes were all mashed to pieces, the chicken got an awful roast, and there is no telling where the thing would have ended if a big Irish policeman had not just then appeared on the scene. I slipped out while he was attending to the fighters, and, going to the postoffice, found, thank heaven, that my remittances had arrived and for that reason I was able to do my whole duty tonight in patronizing this estimable institution.
“Now, ladies and gentlemen, I appear before you in the capacity of auctioneer for this magnificent, double-decked, thoroughbred, high-stepping, copper-bottomed, fast-sailing, number one church cake, warranted not to pinch in the armholes, pull apart in the seams, or show the stains of grease, gravy, petroleum or lard oil. One bite of this cake is a revelation, and two insures a dream.”
After going on this way I asked for bids, but no one would say a word or start the cake. They seemed to be backward about speaking. At last I said: “You all know, in selling goods at auction, that it is customary to take winks for a bid, but perhaps that won’t do in this case. No, a wink won’t do, but I’ll tell you what will, and that is, a smile. If you don’t care to wink, or talk, just look at me and smile and I’ll catch the meaning all the same.”
Naturally, this puckered the majority of mouths for a smile at the very outset, and beginning that cake at one dollar, two dollars, three dollars, four dollars, etc., I ran it rapidly up to sixty dollars. I kept up a running fire of jokes, and every time I caught a smile on a pair of lips I would yell an extra dollar bid. Then I said: ‘Sixty dollars, last call. Once, twice, three times, sold to —’ I got that far, but in the rush which followed my voice could not possibly have been heard. The way those women scattered was a sight to see.
They were frightened, because every one had smiled at some part or other of the harangue, and there was great fear I had accepted that smile for a bid and would compel some one of them to take that cake. So they fled, pell-mell, to the different corners of the hall, and I was much afraid they would never stop until they had reached home.
When, however, peace was restored, I explained that it was all a joke, and they came back with such looks of relief on their faces that I had to laugh myself. The cake was offered a second time, and finally knocked down to a bona fide purchaser at ten dollars and twenty cents. Amid much cheering I retired from the stand, the hero of the hour.
If there was no immediate profit in this, there was pleasure and practice, and I went to my hotel tolerably well satisfied with the way I had spent the evening. The next day, as I had hoped, I heard from the doctor.
He told me in his letter that he had forwarded me a supply of the Goldentine Pens, and several other articles which he thought I could manage. He also gave an outline of the way he thought they could best be handled; and after looking the articles over I determined to follow his suggestions, adding some amendments of my own. As the business at the church fair had given me some little reputation, I thought I could not do better than begin operations that very evening.
Since then, when engaged in street faking, I have generally had with me a musical assistant or two. Nothing will draw a crowd quicker than a few vigorous plunks on a banjo, or the squeak of a fiddle played “well up in G.” Not having such an assistant, I was fortunate enough to be able to secure some local talent.
After a little music I stood up, made my bow, and gave about the following harangue:
“Gentlemen, with your kind permission, I will entertain you for a few moments with a few tricks in legerdemain. I am a stranger in your place and hope to show you strange things. India is supposed to be the land of magic and the home of the conjuror, but India itself has never invented anything equal to that which I propose to do before your astonished eyes tonight. The first trick is one of my own invention, and one which no other man in the world than myself has ever successfully performed.
“Five years ago I offered one thousand dollars to any man who could do it, and tonight I will double the offer. I will give two thousand dollars in cold cash to the individual who will do the trick, and grant him full privilege to watch me while I am working.
“What is this wonderful feat? I will tell you, gentlemen. I propose to take a loaf of bread, a common, every-day loaf of bread, and right here, before your very eyes, turn it into a horse, a real, prancing, living, breathing horse.
“I was at Newton the other night, and while preparing to do the trick a man in the audience interrupted me by saying to one of his friends, ‘Bill, I know how he does it. He’s got that horse up his sleeve.’
“Now, in order to convince my audience that there was no truth in the explanation, I shall, while doing this feat, take off my coat and roll up my shirt sleeves. This certainly ought to be enough to convince the most skeptical.
“I have just sent for a loaf of bread,” (after a few whispered words the “local” musician had suddenly taken his departure) “and while the young man is gone, allow me to talk for a few moments concerning a little article I have with me here, an article by the assistance of which, in reality, I do some of my most singular feats.
“Understand, gentlemen, I am not going to sell these articles, but intend to give them away to those fortunate individuals who apply before the limited supply is exhausted.
“The instrument is known as the Microscopic Look-Back, and was an original invention of my own while I was on the detective police force. The only reason why I don’t sell them is because the law forbids me doing so. But, my friends, in this great and glorious land of ours, which lies under the stars and stripes, where every man is free and endowed with certain inalienable rights, there is no law which can stop my giving them away.
“I can the better explain to you the benefits of this little instrument by giving some practical illustrations of its use.”
While putting up this talk I would be holding in my hands the neat little box with its internal mirror, and now I would place it to my eye.
“I will ask some gentleman back of me to do something. With the aid of this instrument I will tell him what he did. Somebody behind me, please do something.
“Ah, there is a gentleman raising his right hand. He now lowers it and raises his left. He now closes his first two fingers, and is laughing.
“There on his right is another gentleman who is raising his hat. He is putting it on again.”
I would go on like this for perhaps five minutes, the actions of the persons behind me increasing in interest and complexity; then I would continue:
“Now, gentlemen, this little instrument, as you may imagine, can be used in a great many different ways besides seeing through the back of your head.
“You might wish to follow some one without being seen. If the object of your chase should turn a block ahead, you would not have to follow. You could simply stand on the corner, hold your little box back at an angle of about twenty degrees—in this manner—and it would bring every object on that street to your eyes.
“If you are suspicious of your best girl, and want to watch the other fellow while he calls on her, don’t sneak up to the house and peep through the window. Take your little Look-Back, place this end to the keyhole and your eye at the other and the entire surroundings will be disclosed.
“The little box which you see in my hands has within it such a combination of lenses and glasses, all arranged in such a scientific way, that they throw a picture of objects to the center of the box, where they are exposed to the eye.
“If you want to watch an eclipse you can do so with this little Look-Back; and if you want to sight the smallest thing at the longest distance, there you have it. And, by the way, if you want to gaze on the smiling countenance of your best girl without using the keyhole, or being seen, just place yourself directly under her window, use this little instrument, and I don’t care if she lives forty stories high you can spot her every time.
“The bad boy got hold of one of these and discovered a new use for it. He looked through the wrong end at a lamp post, and found that it turned the post upside down. Would you believe it, gentlemen, after that he stood on the street corner, gazing at the passers-by, and had every man, woman and child walking upside down.
“Of course, I don’t want any of you to do the same thing, because it would be unfair and wouldn’t be nice.
“Now, before I begin to hand them out, I wish to show you an article that is related to the Look-Back, and, in fact, goes with it. It is a microscope—not like the ordinary ones, but one that magnifies one hundred thousand times larger, according to its size and power, than anything that has ever been discovered. It is something every man should own, from the fact that he can make it pay for itself a thousand times over.
“In buying your groceries, for instance, you can discover any and all adulterations by its aid. The same with the water which you drink—any impurities in it can be easily seen.
“If you buy a suit of clothes, the microscope comes in handy again, for by its aid you can find out whether your clothes are all wool, or mixed with cotton. If you need a sunglass, or want to do anything which requires an acuteness of sight beyond the limit of the human eye, you can be assisted by the microscope.
“There are a thousand and one other uses for this little instrument, but you all know what it is and it is needless for me to go into any further statement of its merits.
“I wish to explain that I am here to introduce these microscopes, and that I have orders to place them with every drug and jewelry store in your city. The price will be from two to three dollars, and if you wish them after I am gone you can get them from your local dealers at those figures.
“I am going to sell them tonight, however, for the purpose of introduction, and for the small sum of twenty-five cents; and with every microscope that is sold I will give one of these valuable Look-Backs, free of charge. The first man who passes me up a quarter gets a pair of these valuable articles. Thank you, sir; you break the ice, and for the rest of your life you will be thanking me.”
The quarters began to roll in, and my local talent was kept busy in helping me keep track of the people in the crowd who wanted to be customers. They had already helped me out in “looking backward,” but the musician I had sent for a loaf of bread must have forgotten me, since he never returned. Of course, I never actually attempted to do the trick, but used the patter to interest the crowd, and if asked for it would make some comical excuse which would raise a laugh.
The “Look-Backs” cost me fifty cents per dozen and the microscopes fifty-eight.