CHAPTER VIII.
The New Doctor and Professional Grafter—Medicine Fake—The Electric Battery and Money—Fun with Crowd on the Street—Selling Pipes and Giving Watches Away—Fooling the Farmers—The Circus, Turnips and the Elephant—Working the Hotel Landlords.
Once more I had fallen in with a doctor, and though I never considered him as finished an operator as Prof. Carter, he was certainly one of the smoothest men I ever met. He worked his rackets after what were then largely new methods, though now they may seem old enough to most people.
He drove a very lively team, for which I soon found there was a reason, and that he had the strength and the skill to control it. He always had half a dozen fakes on tap, and when the hour did not seem ripe for one he tried another. By this time I considered myself a pretty good workman, and was really the glibber talker, but he undertook and carried through schemes which I would hardly then have cared to tackle, though I have made money out of some of them since. His wagon was light running, easy riding, and built for his business. It must have cost him a very pretty penny to have it prepared, but he certainly made his profit out of it, in working various things, one of which being what, in conversation with me, he called “the battery scheme.” It was the most complicated fake I had up to that time ever met with, but it had its drawbacks, and I often wondered that Doctor Munson had never been shot. There is nothing that makes the average man madder than to be laughed at by a crowd for being fooled when he thinks he has a sure thing. Yet, the doctor simply made an offer without any explanations, and if the fools were silly enough to believe that he was going to give them all there was in sight, and took him up in the blind, they deserved to lose a little coin and much self-respect.
The doctor had a small flight of stairs covered with copper, which could be placed so that it led into the carriage.
In the carriage was a nice little copper-covered table, or stand, and the stairway and table would be connected with a galvanic battery at the bottom of the carriage. On the table would be displayed several stacks of coin, of different denominations, ranging from one to twenty dollars.
While addressing the crowd the doctor would carelessly finger the money, showing that it was perfectly loose. He would close his remarks by saying that any man who would give him twenty-five cents would receive permission to come up into the wagon, and all the money he could scoop up in one grab would be his own. After that he would turn a button, which established the circuit with the battery, and wait for victims. With his persuasive tongue he was pretty certain to obtain them, but the moment that one tried to step from the stairway to the wagon he would form a connection for conducting the galvanic circuit through his body, and it operated so strongly that it would be impossible for the man to take anything; he was only too glad to get away alive.
Of course, the circuit could be turned off by the doctor, without the action being seen by the crowd, and there were some places where the whole thing remained a totally unexplained mystery. Half of the audience would declare the poor, miserable victims were in collusion with the doctor, and could reach the money if they tried to, while the other half thought the fun of the thing was worth twenty-five cents, and would yell with laughter every time a man would step up the copper stairs.
As I was to be his assistant, Dr. Munson explained to me his methods, and we had several rehearsals along the road, though I soon convinced him that there was not much difference between Jack and his master.
At times he made two trips through the section of the country, if it seemed likely to prove profitable. On the first trip he was careful what he said and did, so that there would be nothing to interfere with his coming again. He then carried the “Pain Balm,” good for internal as well as external application. He seldom attempted to sell a bottle, but left it with every responsible person he could get to accept the trust. The understanding was that if the individual meantime had found no need for the article, or did not care to purchase, Munson was to take it back on his next call. The price was one dollar a bottle, and the holder was at liberty to try the medicine in case he had need of it, and if it did not prove satisfactory the bottle could still be returned, provided the contents were not one-quarter gone.
Usually, when the doctor came, at the expiration of about three weeks, three-fourths of the bottles would be returned. Even at that the scheme was good for ordinary profits, and when used in connection with street faking in the towns it helped the business amazingly.
I have said that I had some knowledge of music. The doctor carried several instruments with him, and when we had practiced together for about a week we were able to give quite an interesting entertainment, not only drawing, but holding a large concourse of people. After that there were several methods of handling them. Before we had been traveling together a month I knew them all and one or the other of us would do the work, just as it happened.
For instance: The crowd gathered and we started in by announcing to the good people that to every one who patronized us we would give a piece of pie.
Then I gave a strong talk on the merits of the medicine, and began to offer it for sale. It was a very cold day if I had not struck some purchasers in the audience, who had a quarter of a dollar—or fifty cents—to throw away, and a curiosity to see what the “pie” looked like. With every bottle or package I sold I would take the quarter received, add another to it, and place them in an envelope. This was done before their eyes, and as I threw the money in a little box I would remark, “There goes a piece of pie.”
After selling a dozen or fifteen packages at a quarter each, I would call up every man who had made a purchase and return his quarter, with the other quarter added to it, remarking as I did so:
“There, sir, is your piece of pie.”
I would then start selling fifty-cent packages, and with every one sold would put the money, and an extra half, in the box as before, and subsequently returning the double portion.
Apparently, we had money in inexhaustible quantities, and were willing to scatter it freely. By this time the crowd was entirely with us. We had what some people call the magnetic influence firmly established, and the closer the people packed together the stronger it worked. The man who does not believe in the possibility of getting something for nothing is a rara avis; most any gudgeon will bite at the idea of doubling his money without risk or labor. I would begin to sell one dollar packages, adding two dollars to every one sold, and on calling the customers up to the carriage I returned them their dollars.
By this time I had the crowd worked up to the proper pitch, and I would start to selling five-dollar and ten-dollar packages. With the money received for each five-dollar package I would place a ten-dollar gold piece, and with every ten dollars a twenty-dollar gold piece, the people supposing, of course, that it was going to be “pie.” You will notice I made no promise beyond that of giving them “pie,” and to that word they attached their own significance.
After I had sold the last bottle I would clear my throat and say:
“Now, gentlemen, before distributing this pie, which, I admit, is largely intended to advertise the most successful remedy ever placed on the market, I wish to make a few closing remarks about my business.
“We are selling this medicine strictly on its merits, which we consider unsurpassed. If there is any man in this crowd who has purchased for any other reason than for its actual merits, I want that man to step right up here and get his money back. I want to impress you with the fact, even though I may be a street fakir, that I am an honest man, and, if I am aware of it, will never deal with a dishonest person, or one who doubts the quality of the goods I sell.
“I also desire to add that if there is any one who questions the legitimacy of our advertising, who thinks it has been money thrown away, or so unscrupulous or dishonest as to patronize me with the sole purpose of beating a poor street fakir, I ask him as a white man and a gentleman to come up here, get his money back and return the medicine before I distribute the ‘pie.’ Others who would use the article are vainly waiting to purchase, and this manly course may save some valuable life in the near future. As for men of the other class, I neither ask their money, nor want their patronage.”
Then there would be a pause. Of course, no one would come up, and I would conclude by saying:
“I promised every man who patronized me a piece of pie, and I am going to keep my word. The money is put in an envelope, and every gentleman who invested in the late sale will step up to the carriage, show his package and receive his pie.
They would come crowding around, and after the doctor and I had distributed the envelopes with lightning rapidity, the driver would whip up the horses and we would go away at a gallop.
The last envelopes we handed out contained only nickles.
It takes nerve, of course, to do such work, and it did not do to repeat it often in the same part of the state, as news of it extended rapidly and to quite a distance. That made no difference to us. In the outset, it was agreed that I was to be at liberty to work my own side lines, and though I soon was recognized as a partner, rather than as an assistant, and was paid very fairly, I did not altogether neglect my private interests. Amongst other things, I had sent me, as soon as I had obtained a little more capital, a lot of imported pipes. They were made in Germany and were a close imitation of real meerschaum. Each had a neat imitation amber mouthpiece, and was packed in a dark paper case. The pipes were small, made in fancy designs, and cost me two dollars and a half a dozen. I made my profit by disposing of them between the legitimate sales of our medicine.
I had, also, some very pretty ladies’ watches, gold plated, which I had bought for four dollars and a half each. With every twelve pipes sold I raffled off one of these watches, proceeding in a manner entirely original with me, as I shall explain.
Perhaps the doctor had been fairly successful with medicine. Then we would give a little musical interlude, and I would come forward. I would open with a nonsensical story, old now, but which was certainly very effective then. I had a dozen of them pat for every occasion, and by keeping an ear open for local news could make at least the opening of my address sound very appropriate. For instance, if I had heard of a runaway that created some little excitement I would begin like this:
“While walking down your street this afternoon I was witness to a fearful runaway.
“In a wagon drawn by a powerful and spirited team of horses was a man, with a couple whom I took to be his wife and child. At a glance I judged the man to be intoxicated, though perhaps I was mistaken. He was applying his whip in a frantic manner, as though to test the speed of his team right there in the public street, and the more he whipped the horses the faster they ran, and the more unmanageable they became. They kept going faster and faster and faster, until they looked like a whirlwind of horse flesh and a regular tornado of wagon fixtures. I heard the screams of the frightened woman, and the shrill cry of the terrified child. But I was powerless to reach them, and, gazing with clasped hands, could only whisper: ‘God help them.’
“Under such circumstances a catastrophe was inevitable, and it was not long in coming. In their madness the horses dashed into a lamp-post, wrecking the wagon and hurling the man, woman and child far into the street.
“Providentially, as it might seem, not one of them was seriously injured, and the man, rising to his feet, began to swear over the ruins. The body of the wagon was in kindling wood, and one of the wheels, wrenched from its bearings, lay beside it.
“A policeman unaccountably happened to be on the spot and took in the situation.
“Without saying a word he picked up the wheel and marched with it to the station house.
“That was a touch beyond me, and I have had considerable experience with the working of the average policeman’s brain. I couldn’t for the life of me understand what he meant by his action. My curiosity was aroused, and I followed for the purpose of investigation.
“Walking up to the officer, I said, ‘Mr. Policeman, what in the world was your idea in arresting that wheel?’
“He answered, “I did it because it was off its nut.’”
Having jollied the people into a good humor by something like the foregoing, I would come down to the serious business of selling my pipes and raffling off the watches which went with them.
I made a long talk on the watches, telling of the various processes they underwent before they could be called perfect timepieces—of the delicate hairspring, and the tiny, intricate mechanism enclosed in the case. Before I got through, it was safe to say that every man in the crowd wanted a watch for his wife or daughter, mother or sister, to say nothing of his best girl, if he had one. The pipes spoke for themselves, but my little oration included a fair description of their merits, and I usually had little difficulty in disposing of the dozen of them allotted to any particular evening, and I might add that both sides were well satisfied. The pipes were very good while they lasted, and the watch went like a daisy—as long as the wheels turned round. I made good money out of the invoice, and in after days handled the same line of goods more than once.
I am sorry to say, the doctor was something of a beat. Though he always treated me fairly enough, all the rest of mankind seemed to be considered his legitimate game, while the plunder of a landlord was his special delight. He had capital enough at his command, but it appeared to me that he would sooner save fifty cents off his hotel bill than to make five dollars selling medicine,
To tell the truth, I had not much sympathy with the average country landlord, and was not strongly averse to working him myself. He feeds his local trade for twenty-five cents per meal, and when an outsider calls charges him fifty cents or a dollar for the same thing. You can safely conclude that however much a tale of woe may induce him to scale his prices, he is still making a living profit.
When we arrived at a hotel the doctor would ask for the tariff sheet. If he was told it was two dollars a day he would state that he was no commercial drummer, working on salary with expenses allowed, but just an ordinary vendor on his own account, who, in these hard times, found that to make both ends meet was a pretty tough proposition. Furthermore, that he was paying his own way, and couldn’t stand the two dollars.
As a result he would sometimes get rates as low as one dollar a day, for each of us.
When we were ready to go, the doctor would ask for his bill, and then tell Mr. Landlord that business had been bad, that he had been obliged to pay a C.O.D. express bill, and that being about “flat broke” he did not see how he was to pay his account unless the landlord agreed to take it out in medicine at wholesale prices.
Of course, there would be a kick, and he would go on with another proposition.
“I’ll tell you what I can do, Mr. Landlord. I’ve got with me over thirty dollars worth of silverware that I was going to deliver to a lady in the next town. She ordered it from me the last time I was along. As I put up the money for it, I guess it’s still mine to do what I want with, and if you’ll take that and call it square, you can have it.”
The landlord would be a little interested at that, and the doctor would show him the silverware. Once get the man to looking at it, the rest followed. It made a good showing, and the doctor talked so artistically about the price, quality, etc., that the deal would almost invariably be closed. What that silverware cost it is unnecessary to say, but he always made a fair profit out of the operation. He even sometimes wound up by selling for cash some silver polish or insect exterminator. He always had a full line to catch the landlords, even if other things ran short, I took note of these things and never forgot them. When traveling exclusively on my own account I used the same dodge, or some other closely akin to it.
There was a great deal of humor about the doctor, and he was sometimes inclined to be a trifle revengeful. Here is a case in point:
There was occasionally a town which, work at answer to our appeals, but the surrounding county try as we might, would absolutely refuse to do business. Why this was so, was more than I can explain. We probably tried harder there than elsewhere, but some how the conditions were not right. I remember once in our travels we hit such a town, and not only did the town refuse to try was just as bad. We could not even leave a gratuitous bottle of “Pain Balm” on free trial.
Before long we caught on to the fact that from the flashy appearance of the wagon the farmers believed it belonged to the circus we had noticed was advertised to appear at the town the following week. The doctor made up his mind that that was the reason. In the moral mind the circus man is credited with surpassing shrewdness in all business matters.
For the moment the doctor was mad enough, but he quickly cooled down and determined to play a little trick on them in return. He quit trying to sell goods, and became a buyer. The fields were fairly stocked with turnips and he told every farmer he could meet that he was purchasing agent for the circus, representing that he was out contracting for turnips to feed the elephants. I am afraid to say how many wagon-loads it took daily to supply the needs of the show, but he offered enormous prices for turnips by the wagon-load to be delivered at the show grounds on the day of the circus.
We never knew the exact outcome, but many a laugh did we have imagining it. The loads of turnips hauled into town that day must have been a caution, even if not more than half the farmers fulfilled their contracts. Of course, the circus people would not take the vegetables; but I afterwards heard that the manager, seeing a chance for a big local gag and advertisement, kindly took them all into the big tent and seated them together in the reserved corner, where the clown could point them out when he told the great joke of the farmers, the elephants and the turnips.
But if those medicine men had showed their faces again in that neighborhood I think the farmers would have killed them, and torn their bodies into fragments as small as turnip seeds.