CHAPTER XIV.
Temperance Town and Cold Tea Racket—Busted Again—Money Making Schemes—The Shoemaker Couldn’t Sleep—Going Back to Street Work—The Fifty Thousand Dollar Money Deception—Jewelry Packages to Be Used Any Old Way—Some More Street Jokes—A Watch and Chain for Twenty-Five Cents.
The ensuing weeks were possibly the most varied and really the most eventful of my career.
There was no time to be choice. Being broke and far away from headquarters, I was forced to spread myself after any and every fashion that presented itself; and I found that the most foolish and harmless of fakes sometimes presented very handsome returns.
Bless your soul, I never was at fault. I filled a nice lot of bottles with clear water, put in a cent’s worth of flavoring extract, and sold it as an electric face wash—price ten cents per bottle. Used according to directions I haven’t a doubt it did all that it was guaranteed to do. Clear water, fresh air, a good conscience and a whole lot of imagination “will do heaps.â€
I sold a renovating liquid, made from vinegar, salt and ammonia, at twenty-five cents per bottle.
A little receipt for mixing gold paint did fairly well. At one time I sold candy as an anti-coal oil explosive, getting five cents for three small pieces. When you are in hard luck and away from home it don’t pay to be too particular, and everything was fish that came into my net. Handle coal oil the way I told ‘em and there would never be any explosion, anyway.
One day while making my rounds with my anti-explosives I dropped into a shoe shop and found the cobbler to be a little, dried-up, sickly old man, who was afflicted with some nervous ailment which kept him from sleeping. In telling me his tale of woe he mentioned the fact that he had not slept any for three nights. I told him, sympathizingly, that I was once troubled in the same way, but was now entirely cured. I further stated that I had a bottle of medicine, and if he wanted it he could have it at just what it cost me, as I had not needed it for several years. Though he would not go to a doctor he was only too glad to get from me something which promised relief. I told him I would just slip around to the hotel and get the bottle; and leaving him went to a druggist, who put me up a sleeping draught, for which he charged me seventy cents. My friend, the cobbler, paid me one dollar, and the next day delightfully told me had just had the best night’s rest he had known for years.
In this way I went on, and it was on this trip that I struck a town in a temperance, or “Maine law,†state where the county fair was in progress.
I bought a permit to sell temperance drinks on the grounds, for I had found where I could buy a lot of empty beer and whisky bottles. I had a stall or pen for my use, and placing four wash-tubs almost filled with ice in the darkest corner, where they could scarcely be seen, I loaded my bottles with good, strong, cold tea and packed them on ice. In front I had a small stock of pop and some real, red circus lemonade. There is a fortune in the latter itself, if you can only sell enough of it.
In temperance towns, when you walk into a drug store and call for “cold tea,†the clerk knows what you mean and winks when he hands you the liquor. When I began to yell, “Right this way, gentlemen, for your cold tea; and here you have your ice cold lemonade. Here you have your California pop, and the coldest tea you ever tackled.†The crowd flocked around, and I did a land office business.
Of course, as soon as a man tasted his tea he tumbled to the racket; but as it was a good joke he would smile to himself and not give it away. If some unsuspecting stranger would walk up and call for beer I would tell him, with a wink, “We don’t keep beer nor whiskey, but I have some lemonade and awfully nice ‘cold tea.’ He would tumble, as he supposed, and take cold tea in his’n, stick the bottle in his hip pocket, and walk off with a smile on his face as big as a Kansas City ham. I sold the beer bottles at twenty-five cents each and the whiskey bottles (pints) at fifty. I am afraid to say how much were my profits. You can guess.
Though I may seem to have been successful in my schemes—and I was—yet they were small ones, parts of the country I was in were poor, and when I had worked around to a broader field I was still short of capital, and undecided about settling down on any particular line. I believe I was at my lowest ebb for about a year, in which I worked all sorts of things. I traveled as a renovator, cleaning clothing, hats and garments when I had to, but preferring to sell the liquid which did the work. I gave away little packages of medicine, and sold with them a book for twenty-five cents, which was supposed to be a treatise on the anatomy of man. At one time I was a professional carpet cleaner, who guaranteed to clean a carpet without pain and remove grease while the customer waited. I used to clean a spot by way of sample, and then sell the stuff to do the rest. I had a furniture polish which was handled on the same plan. I sold rugs by installments, and was the originator of the scheme of selling watches on the street, the price payable by installments. I worked about three months at that, going backward and forward to make my collections, and finding it paid fairly well. Then there was the cologne and perfumery fake. The articles were done up in fancy packages, in which was enclosed a circular. These were distributed from door to door, and so well was the circular worded that on calling the next day for the money or package it was generally the money. The price was seventy-five cents a package, or one dollar and a quarter for two.
There was the advertising directory scheme, which could be handled without much danger of failure if you could find a field which had not been occupied. Every one wants a directory of the city and county if it can be had at a reasonable price, and advertisers will take space enough to make good profit. There were plenty of things for a bustling man to turn his attention to, and as my health became re-established more firmly, my head began to rise above water.
One day I figured up my cash and found I had more than one hundred dollars, and decided to send for a stock of goods.
I always was successful at street selling, and though I made the bulk of my money in other lines, at this particular time my preference lay in that direction. There was something fascinating in gathering a crowd; to change its cold, marble stare into one of eager expectancy; to warm it up to the highest pitch, and bring the coin rolling in through the power of my own magnetic eloquence.
You can make up your mind that, though some men may be proof against your most seductive wiles, the mass of them are not. Pack men closely together, start up the battery of your personal magnetism, and you will get somebody under control. Then the fire will spread from him to another, and so on, until the mass of the throng are just as much your victims as though they had resigned themselves to a hypnotic doctor on the stage.
There are dozens of ways in which a crowd can be prepared for this influence and by which it can be maintained. Take the pretended money deception. That operates along this line. I used to carry a lot of dummy stacks of coin money.
They were put up to resemble piles of silver dollars and five and ten and twenty-dollar gold pieces, and looked like stacks of real money. To all appearance I would have thousands and thousands of dollars stacked up in front of me in the carriage, and I found that its presence helped me out wonderfully in holding and magnetizing a crowd. They would stand around, gazing at this money and wanting to see what I was going to do with it, until they forgot all about it in their interest in something else. But all the same I had started their expectant attention, and by and by they were ready to see the green cheese in the moon. With such an evidence of wealth in sight they were ready to believe in the value of almost anything I presented.
I also used an imitation of paper money with the same effect.
When I got fairly in the swing of “giving away†goods I would say:
“Don’t imagine, gentlemen, that I am traveling simply for personal profit made now and at your expense. I am introducing these goods. That’s all there is to it. The firm I am with represents millions, and I have all the money of my own that I know what to do with. I don’t need yours. You can see for yourselves my very clothes are lined with it.â€
Then I would pull out bundles of this green paper from every pocket, piling them on the table in front of me, and perhaps seeming to light a cigar with a ten or twenty-dollar bill.
This particular time I sold jewelry packages and after giving some kind of an interlude I would say to the crowd:
“Now, gentlemen, I have traveled over every state and territory in this glorious union, and in all foreign lands; I am known the world over as whole-souled, honest, liberal Jim, the man who gives goods away. I am going to show you tonight that I deserve the title. You’ve done considerable for me; I’m going to do something for you.
“Here is a genuine, black kid purse with fourteen rivets. It would cost you in the regular way fifty-five cents. Here are a pair of patent lever collar buttons, that should cost you at least half a dollar. I’ll just drop them into the little pocket book. Here I have a beautiful wedding ring, warranted solid brass. You’ll notice I don’t make misrepresentations. We’ll say that this wedding ring is worth a nickel, and drop it also into the purse, like this. Then, we’ll go right down here and get a pair of these beautiful, agate setting cuff buttons, that any jeweler in the world would charge you a great big dollar for. We’ll drop them into the little purse and call the whole outfit two dollars. Don’t forget. They are a fortune in themselves, magnetic and diretic, and can be used internally, externally, eternally and ever-lastingly.
“Does any one want them for two dollars?
“No? Well, I’ll tell you what more I’ll do. I’ve only got about a dozen of these little outfits and I am determined to get rid of them tonight. I’ll do it, too, if I have to throw ‘em away. But, hold on. I’ll see what I can find. Here is a little diamond stud that I’d give a dollar for myself. I’ll just drop that into the purse and call it three dollars. Last, but not least, I’ll go right down here and get one of these beautiful, elegant, genuine, double-linked, aluminum chains, with a patent bar and swivel on each end. If you can go to any store in your city and get one for less than a three-dollar bill I’ll make you a present of one hundred dollars. I’ll just drop the chain into the little purse here and call the outfit six dollars, altogether.
“Now, gentlemen, don’t get scared or faint away, but the first man who passes me up a quarter gets the entire outfit, purse, magnetic agate, studs, ring, collar buttons and chain. Only twenty-five cents for the entire lot. Ah! There is the man who takes it. Now, for another lot, and then we’ll see if we can’t find something else.â€
It was not more than a half bad scheme to praise the town, telling how much you liked it, and what noble, whole-souled, up-to-date, generous business citizens they had. With all the evidences of wealth in front of me, some such gag as this always caught the heart of the crowd.
“I tell you, gentlemen, you’ve got a grand town here, a noble town. You can imagine that I love it, because when I struck the place but a week or two ago I was clean, dead-broke. That’s a tough way for a fellow to be, but for a fact I didn’t have a cent.
“And look at me now. I walked up to the St. James hotel and registered. I told the proprietor, Johnson—you all know him, square as a die and as good a man as ever lived—what a predicament I was in, and struck him for a job, stating, too, that I was an old, experienced hotel man.
“He said he would hire me, and put me to work in the dining room as a waiter. Perhaps some of you remember my first appearance there.
“At dinner time the guests began crowding around the table, and after taking about six orders at once I picked up my tray and rushed into the kitchen.
“On my way back I slipped on a banana peeling and fell, with my whole load, to the floor.
“The landlord came running in, mad as a hornet, and said: ‘Get out of this, quick as you can, you blankety-blank fool; I’ve got enough of you. I can’t have any of your confounded gambling in this house.’
“I got up and begged for a new trial, but he was obstinate, and told me I ought to have better sense than to gamble in the dining room before all the guests.
“‘Gambling?’ said I.
“‘Yes, gambling,’ said he.
“‘Well,’ said I, ‘how do you figure that out?’
“‘Why,’ answered he, ‘you had a tray full and you dropped your pile.’â€
As I always picked out a landlord who was known to sometimes dally with the seductive jackpot, and knew, too, the value of a bob-tail flush, the story was sure to make a hit.
I would then go on.
“Ladies and gentlemen, if I was not afraid of exciting your sympathies I would sing you a sentimental song I have in my repertoire. It is so mesmeric in its nature and electrical in its action that I most generally like to leave it out, or until the last thing, for fear I might be overpowered like the rest of you. I sang it in Boonsville last week and nothing was good enough for me; and if they hadn’t needed them themselves I think they would have even taken off the old shoes from their feet to throw into the wagon. Silver? Silver wasn’t in it. They just filled this carriage with golden eggs, and they tossed me at least a hundred bouquets, each one tied to a brick. The title of this morceau is: ‘Biddy’s Got a Corn on Her Nose.’
As they always liked to laugh I kept the comic stories going, even if they were old and common property among the fakir fraternity. Perhaps I would go on in this fashion:
“I want to tell you of a little experience with my wife, a month before we were married. I had been calling on her for several years and she was the chilliest, most icy proposition you ever heard of. She never would let me kiss her. When I finally proposed she said: ‘I’ll marry you on one condition.’
“‘What’s that?’ said I.
“She replied that if I would run her a foot race and catch her she would be mine. The only condition she made was that I was to give her one hundred yards the start.
“Of course, I accepted. We started. She ran up one street and down the next, through alleys, buildings, stairways and everything that came along. Whew! But that girl was a runner. When I reached one corner I would just get a glimpse of her making the turn in the block ahead.
“Just as I was about to give up in despair I saw her run into a big church.
“Like a whirlwind I tore after her and found a big revival meeting in progress. When I reached the center of the middle aisle the preacher, who was in the midst of the sermon, looked up and shouted to me:
“‘What’s the matter, brother? Are you looking for salvation?’
“‘No,’ I yelled back, ‘I’m looking for Sal Skinner.’
“I will now sing you another beautiful lyric, most sentimental and touching, entitled, ‘’Tis Only a Chunk of Kindling from My Sweetheart’s Wooden Leg.’â€
I varied the purse scheme for disposing of jewelry with a fake that was quite successful, seldom made trouble, and which offered a fair amount of money.
I had got hold of a little toy watch that I thought was really a bargain. It looked for the world like a real one, and at wholesale it cost me just seven cents. To each one I attached a chain that cost eight cents and then placed them in fancy, red lined paper boxes, all ready for offering to the public.
In addition to my own vocal and instrumental performances I usually had the specialties of one or two musical comedians to attract and hold the crowd so that I could keep it with me during the entire sale. You will notice in the argument that I used I made my strong talk on the watch, but sold the chain.
“Now, gentlemen,†I would say, “before we close our entertainment I wish to address you for a few moments and explain still further why I am here.
“You might naturally presume that I was simply a street fakir by profession, who was out here for your money. But, my friends, such is not the case. I am not traveling for money, nor my health, nor am I traveling on my shape. If I was I would have been soaped long before this.
“But, strange as it may seem, I am now spending my time and wasting my lungs for the sole purpose of giving goods away.
“I am going to give every man here tonight who is so fortunate as to get one a nice, new watch. Yes, actually give it to him, free of charge. The watches are manufactured in Boston by one of the most reliable concerns in that city, and in order to introduce them to the public they have hired me to advertise them in this manner, and given me positive instructions not to charge a cent for the watches.
“These chronometers have, as you see, genuine hunting cases. They are not a full jeweled watch, but they are stem-winders and stem-set, with as pretty a dial and second hand as any high-priced watch on the market.
“And while I think of it, I want to tell you a little experience a man had in Tirbyville a short time ago. I was on the streets there, working as I am tonight. The gentleman I refer to was in the crowd and I gave him one of these watches. He traded it the next day for a horse, traded the horse for a diamond stud, traded the diamond stud for a very valuable town lot, traded the lot for a farm, struck oil on his farm, and then sold out for sixty thousand dollars. What do you think of that for a speculation? If you don’t think that’s a lie I’ll tell you another one.
“But this isn’t giving away watches, is it? Now, I am going to surprise you still further by putting a chain with each watch. You see, gentlemen, I am one of the most liberal men you ever saw; and you’ll think so, too, before I get through here tonight. I just want to explain a little about these chains and then I will hand the goods out to you.
“Several years ago a prominent mining expert was prospecting in the Asiatic mines. While hunting through the hills one day he ran across a very peculiar looking metal. It looked like gold, and stood all the tests for gold, but it was so soft and mushy that his long experience told him it could not be gold.
“His curiosity being aroused, he took his knife and cut out a chunk, just as you would a piece of butter, and carried it back to camp.
“Arriving there he opened his package, when, lo and behold, it had turned hard as a rock and red as the prettiest piece of gold nugget you ever saw.
“More surprised than ever, he sent it to his native city, New York, for examination.
“The scientists there put their heads together and decided that it was in every way better than the original gold.
“A company was immediately formed and the metal was shipped to this country in large quantities. Today, my friends, all kinds of articles are manufactured from it. This little chain which I hold in my hand is made from this metal, that is known all the civilized world over as Asiatic aluminum gold.
“Now, a few words more and I am done. In handing these out I wish to make an explanation. I have only about thirty watches and thirty chains, and if I were to hand them out right and left promiscuously I would not have enough to go around. Besides that, I might put some of them in the hands of unscrupulous men.
“So, in order to avoid that, and protect myself, and have the watches go to people who are honest and appreciative, I will put a very small price on the chain, and nothing on the watch.
“If you were to go to the jewelry store and buy one of these chains it would cost you from three to five dollars. Now, I shall not attempt to charge any such price, but, to make a long story short, I will put them down to the little, in-sig-nif-i-cent sum of twenty-five cents. Remember, the watch goes free, and the first man who passes me up a quarter gets the outfit. Ah, there’s a man wants a bargain, and he’ll get one, too. Here, sir, is your change. Who’s the next lucky man?â€
All the time the quarters were rolling in I kept reminding the people that there were only about thirty watches and chains, though in reality I would have been glad to put out an unlimited number. When I was sold out I gave the promised entertainment, and all went their several ways rejoicing.
Thus I traveled, and schemed, and fought for fortune. If there was anything new on the wholesale market I had it; and it was surprising what a variety of articles for street selling I managed to pick up. It is unnecessary to say that I handled them clear up to the limit of artistic skill.
But, after all, one gets tired of this sort of thing, though I varied my schemes as often as I thought I could make better money.
I found, too, that what won one week was a failure the next, and with even what seemed a success the bank account which every fakir yearns to have was slow to grow. For that reason, when I seemed to have skimmed the cream off one thing, I tried something else, falling back on old schemes when it was necessary or profitable.
Several times I organized medicine companies and gave entertainments in the opera houses, carrying along a physician with whom the public could have free consultation. Several times I got out of such schemes by selling good will and fixtures, thus quitting them anything but a gainer.
Nevertheless, there were other lines to work, and I tried them all, with the idea that one thing was as good as another, and perhaps I might find something a little better. When I discovered that street selling seemed to be telling on my throat I got back to canvassing again.