PROLOGUE

THEPROLOGUEAND THEEPILOGUESPOKENBYCHANCE

Two Slatterns and a KingPROLOGUE

Two Slatterns and a King

I am that cunning infidelBy men called CHANCE,—you know me well.It is through me you met your wives;Through me your harvest blights or thrives;And one and all, through me, to-dayHither you came to see the play,Which if your favor still you lend,As now, so on until the end,You shall be taught what way a KingThough a sublime and awful thingAnd even wise, may come to beA laughing-stock,—and all through me!(Exit)(ENTER KING)KINGI am the King of all this land:I hold a sceptre in my hand;Upon my head I wear a crown;Everybody stands when I sit down. (Sits)CHANCE(Appearing to audience; he is invisiblethroughout the play to the other players in it.)Excepting me,—please bear in mindI sit whenever I feel inclined. (Sits)KINGAlthough my lands are wide and long,My walls right thick, my armies strong,I am not wholly satisfied.CHANCEThat is because you have no bride.KINGWho speaks?—Come forth and, if you dare,Say once again what causes my care!Why I am discontent with life!CHANCEIt is because you have no wife.KINGA woman in my royal house!A woman! A wife! A bride! A spouse!Bold stranger, this is not the cure,For a woman I could never endure!CHANCEPer-CHANCE to-morrow you will findYou have altered your imperial mind.(ExeuntKINGandCHANCEseverally)(ENTER TIDY)TIDYI am TIDY, I have beenAll my life both neat and clean.From my outside to my inClean am I unto my skin.Every day into a bucketMy hands I dip, my head I duck it;And if the water plenty beI sometimes wet some more of me.This is my kitchen, where you will findAll things pleasant and to your mind;Against the wall in orderly pairs—One, two,—one, two,—observe my chairs.In the middle of the room my table stands:I would not move it for many lands.My basins and bowls are all in their places;The bottoms of my pots are as clean as your faces.My kettle boils so cheerily,It is like a friendly voice to me;About my work I merrily sing,And I brush my hearth with a white duck’s wing.Oh, full is every cupboard, sharp is every knife!—My bright, sunny kitchen is the pride of my life!(ExitTIDY)(ENTER SLUT)SLUTI am SLUT; I am a slattern,You must not take me for your pattern.I spend my days in slovenly ease;I sleep when I like and I wake when I please.My manners, they are indolent;In clutter and filth I am quite content.Here is my kitchen, where I stir up my messes,And wear out my old shoes and soiled silk dresses.My table sags beneath the weightOf stale food and unwashed plate;The cat has tipped the pitcher o’er,—The greasy stream drips onto the floor;Under the table is a broken cup—I am too tired to pick it up.(ExitSLUT)(ENTER KING)KINGNow I will no longer tarryFor I think that I will marry.Now the one thing in my lifeIs to marry me a wife.But I will not be contentWith a wench that’s indolent,Or take a slattern for a spouse,—I will go from house to house,Unheralded—that there may beNo cleaning up because of me—And that maid whose kitchen’s neatestWill I have to be my sweetest.(ExitKING)(CHANCE APPEARS)CHANCEThat I am absent do not fearFor that you have not seen me here,For know, I oft invisiblyDo move among the things you see;And to confuse and thwart the KingThrough Slut and Tidy, is a thingDear to my nature,—therefore heed,And you shall see a show indeed!(ExitCHANCE)(EnterTIDYin great disorder)TIDYOh, dear, oh, dear, what shall I do?Oh, such a plight I never knew!Though I arose as is my wayAn hour before the break of day,Here it is noon, and nothing done;The milk has soured in the sun,And the sweet, pretty duck I broiledA neighbor’s dog has dragged and spoiled;I beat him with my hands and wept!Straight through the window then he leapt,And through the window after him,With scratchéd face and bruiséd limb,And on through mire and briar and bogHours and hours I chased that dog,Stumbling, uttering awful cries—While into my kitchen swarmed the flies!I came back at half-past ten!Oh, what a sight did greet me then!My fair white sheets I hung so fineDown in the black muck under the line!And out of the oven from cakes ’n’ pies ’n’Beautiful tarts the thick smoke risin’!I knelt down my tarts to remove,And my quince jelly that stood on the stoveUp did boil, and, as you see,Boiled itself all over me!—All over the floor, all over the room,—Whereat I ran to fetch the broom—The broom! The broom—instead of the mop!To fetch a broom to wipe up slop!And with its handle smashed the clock’s face,Getting glass all over the place,And knocked the dishes off the shelf,And fell to my knees and cut myself,And wept and cried and when I would riseCould not see for the tears in my eyes;So tripped on a chair and, to save a fall,Caught at the table, then flat did sprawl,Dragging the table down with me,And everything on it, as well you may see!I cannot live in such a state!But where to begin is past my pate!(EnterKING)KINGI am the King of all these lands:Down upon your knees and hands.Wishing to marry me, I have saidThat the tidiest maiden I would wedIn all my realm, wherefore I goFrom kitchen to kitchen, that I may knowAnd judge for myself what maid is worthTo sit at my side in feasting and in mirth.Untidy Spill-time, it is easy to seeThat my fair bride you never will be.TIDYOh, great King, hear me when I sayThis has been a most unusual day!It is by chance alone you seeIn such a state my kitchen and me!I can set us both to rights in a minute!KINGIn vain! I have set a trap and caught you in it!Vain, wench, your lies and your pretense!I see what I see and I hie me hence!(ExitKING)(ExitTIDY,weeping)(ENTER SLUT)SLUTLest you know me not in this disguiseI tell you I am SLUT, and I tell you no lies.My face and my hands are clean and neat;Fresh is my frock, trim are my feet.But I assure you you are not wrongTo think that so tidy I shall not be for long.And if the story you wish from me,I will tell you how this came to be:Dull was the day and tedious my book;I saw no pleasure wherever I might look;I had done everything that I knew how to do,And I could think of nothing new.But at last I thought of oneThing that I had never done.And I said, “I will take a broom,And I will sweep this room!I will wash this floor!”I had never washed it before—“All things in order will I arrange,Although I hate order, for it will be a change.”So here I am, as you can see—I and my kitchen as clean as can be.But in a room as clean as thisMy bones ache and I find no bliss.So watch, and soon it will appearMuch less orderly and drear.(EnterKING)KINGDown upon your knees and hands!I am the King of all these lands.Wishing to marry me, I have saidThat the tidiest maiden I would wedIn all my realms, wherefore I goFrom kitchen to kitchen that I may know—Yet stay! This kitchen is so tidy,I think that you must be my bridey!As far and wide as I have beenSo neat a kitchen I have not seen;Therefore I say you are my wife,For the remainder of your life.SLUT(aside)To point him out his error at first I intended,But least said is soonest mended.(ExeuntKINGwithSLUT)(EnterTIDY)TIDYNow once again with meAll is as it is wont to be.Now once again you see me standThe tidiest lady in the land.If the King should see me nowHe would tell a different tale, I trow.(EnterKING)KINGOh, lovely lady, who are you,That I am a talking to?TIDYShe am I whom you did scornThis very day at morn.KINGIt may not be as you have said,For you would I gladly wed!TIDYI thank you for the favor, butThey tell me you have marriedSLUT!KINGOh, cock’s bones! And strike me dead!Is it a Slut that I have wed?(EnterSLUTdressed as at first)SLUTSo here you dally whilst I sit at home!Never any more abroad shall you roam,But sit at home with me for the rest of your life,For I am your lawful wedded wife!KINGOh, woe is me, what a life will be mine!SLUTIt is too late now to repine:Home with me you come for the rest of your life,ForSLUTis your lawful wedded wife!(ExitSLUTwithKING)TIDYA slattern is a fearful sight,—ah, me!What pleasure it gives so tidy to be!(ExitTIDY)EPILOGUENow that the play is at an end,ByCHANCEyouhave enjoyed it, friend;ByCHANCEtoyouhis sweet was gall;ByCHANCEyouslumbered through it all.Howe’er it be, it was byCHANCETheKINGwas led so merry a dance,ByCHANCEthatTIDYmet disgrace,ByCHANCEaloneSLUTwashed her face;From morn to eve the whole day longIt was byCHANCEthat things went wrong.Wherefore, good friends, t’ escape derision,Be not o’er hasty in your decision,For he who heedeth not this ruleBY CHANCE HE WILL BE CALLED A FOOL!

I am that cunning infidel

By men called CHANCE,—you know me well.

It is through me you met your wives;

Through me your harvest blights or thrives;

And one and all, through me, to-day

Hither you came to see the play,

Which if your favor still you lend,

As now, so on until the end,

You shall be taught what way a King

Though a sublime and awful thing

And even wise, may come to be

A laughing-stock,—and all through me!

(Exit)

(ENTER KING)

KINGI am the King of all this land:I hold a sceptre in my hand;Upon my head I wear a crown;Everybody stands when I sit down. (Sits)

KING

I am the King of all this land:

I hold a sceptre in my hand;

Upon my head I wear a crown;

Everybody stands when I sit down. (Sits)

CHANCE(Appearing to audience; he is invisiblethroughout the play to the other players in it.)Excepting me,—please bear in mindI sit whenever I feel inclined. (Sits)

CHANCE(Appearing to audience; he is invisiblethroughout the play to the other players in it.)

Excepting me,—please bear in mind

I sit whenever I feel inclined. (Sits)

KINGAlthough my lands are wide and long,My walls right thick, my armies strong,I am not wholly satisfied.

KING

Although my lands are wide and long,

My walls right thick, my armies strong,

I am not wholly satisfied.

CHANCEThat is because you have no bride.

CHANCE

That is because you have no bride.

KINGWho speaks?—Come forth and, if you dare,Say once again what causes my care!Why I am discontent with life!

KING

Who speaks?—Come forth and, if you dare,

Say once again what causes my care!

Why I am discontent with life!

CHANCEIt is because you have no wife.

CHANCE

It is because you have no wife.

KINGA woman in my royal house!A woman! A wife! A bride! A spouse!Bold stranger, this is not the cure,For a woman I could never endure!

KING

A woman in my royal house!

A woman! A wife! A bride! A spouse!

Bold stranger, this is not the cure,

For a woman I could never endure!

CHANCEPer-CHANCE to-morrow you will findYou have altered your imperial mind.

CHANCE

Per-CHANCE to-morrow you will find

You have altered your imperial mind.

(ExeuntKINGandCHANCEseverally)

(ENTER TIDY)

TIDYI am TIDY, I have beenAll my life both neat and clean.From my outside to my inClean am I unto my skin.Every day into a bucketMy hands I dip, my head I duck it;And if the water plenty beI sometimes wet some more of me.This is my kitchen, where you will findAll things pleasant and to your mind;Against the wall in orderly pairs—One, two,—one, two,—observe my chairs.In the middle of the room my table stands:I would not move it for many lands.My basins and bowls are all in their places;The bottoms of my pots are as clean as your faces.My kettle boils so cheerily,It is like a friendly voice to me;About my work I merrily sing,And I brush my hearth with a white duck’s wing.Oh, full is every cupboard, sharp is every knife!—My bright, sunny kitchen is the pride of my life!

TIDY

I am TIDY, I have been

All my life both neat and clean.

From my outside to my in

Clean am I unto my skin.

Every day into a bucket

My hands I dip, my head I duck it;

And if the water plenty be

I sometimes wet some more of me.

This is my kitchen, where you will find

All things pleasant and to your mind;

Against the wall in orderly pairs—

One, two,—one, two,—observe my chairs.

In the middle of the room my table stands:

I would not move it for many lands.

My basins and bowls are all in their places;

The bottoms of my pots are as clean as your faces.

My kettle boils so cheerily,

It is like a friendly voice to me;

About my work I merrily sing,

And I brush my hearth with a white duck’s wing.

Oh, full is every cupboard, sharp is every knife!—

My bright, sunny kitchen is the pride of my life!

(ExitTIDY)

(ENTER SLUT)

SLUTI am SLUT; I am a slattern,You must not take me for your pattern.I spend my days in slovenly ease;I sleep when I like and I wake when I please.My manners, they are indolent;In clutter and filth I am quite content.Here is my kitchen, where I stir up my messes,And wear out my old shoes and soiled silk dresses.My table sags beneath the weightOf stale food and unwashed plate;The cat has tipped the pitcher o’er,—The greasy stream drips onto the floor;Under the table is a broken cup—I am too tired to pick it up.

SLUT

I am SLUT; I am a slattern,

You must not take me for your pattern.

I spend my days in slovenly ease;

I sleep when I like and I wake when I please.

My manners, they are indolent;

In clutter and filth I am quite content.

Here is my kitchen, where I stir up my messes,

And wear out my old shoes and soiled silk dresses.

My table sags beneath the weight

Of stale food and unwashed plate;

The cat has tipped the pitcher o’er,—

The greasy stream drips onto the floor;

Under the table is a broken cup—

I am too tired to pick it up.

(ExitSLUT)

(ENTER KING)

KINGNow I will no longer tarryFor I think that I will marry.Now the one thing in my lifeIs to marry me a wife.But I will not be contentWith a wench that’s indolent,Or take a slattern for a spouse,—I will go from house to house,Unheralded—that there may beNo cleaning up because of me—And that maid whose kitchen’s neatestWill I have to be my sweetest.

KING

Now I will no longer tarry

For I think that I will marry.

Now the one thing in my life

Is to marry me a wife.

But I will not be content

With a wench that’s indolent,

Or take a slattern for a spouse,—

I will go from house to house,

Unheralded—that there may be

No cleaning up because of me—

And that maid whose kitchen’s neatest

Will I have to be my sweetest.

(ExitKING)

(CHANCE APPEARS)

CHANCEThat I am absent do not fearFor that you have not seen me here,For know, I oft invisiblyDo move among the things you see;And to confuse and thwart the KingThrough Slut and Tidy, is a thingDear to my nature,—therefore heed,And you shall see a show indeed!

CHANCE

That I am absent do not fear

For that you have not seen me here,

For know, I oft invisibly

Do move among the things you see;

And to confuse and thwart the King

Through Slut and Tidy, is a thing

Dear to my nature,—therefore heed,

And you shall see a show indeed!

(ExitCHANCE)

(EnterTIDYin great disorder)

TIDYOh, dear, oh, dear, what shall I do?Oh, such a plight I never knew!Though I arose as is my wayAn hour before the break of day,Here it is noon, and nothing done;The milk has soured in the sun,And the sweet, pretty duck I broiledA neighbor’s dog has dragged and spoiled;I beat him with my hands and wept!Straight through the window then he leapt,And through the window after him,With scratchéd face and bruiséd limb,And on through mire and briar and bogHours and hours I chased that dog,Stumbling, uttering awful cries—While into my kitchen swarmed the flies!I came back at half-past ten!Oh, what a sight did greet me then!My fair white sheets I hung so fineDown in the black muck under the line!And out of the oven from cakes ’n’ pies ’n’Beautiful tarts the thick smoke risin’!I knelt down my tarts to remove,And my quince jelly that stood on the stoveUp did boil, and, as you see,Boiled itself all over me!—All over the floor, all over the room,—Whereat I ran to fetch the broom—The broom! The broom—instead of the mop!To fetch a broom to wipe up slop!And with its handle smashed the clock’s face,Getting glass all over the place,And knocked the dishes off the shelf,And fell to my knees and cut myself,And wept and cried and when I would riseCould not see for the tears in my eyes;So tripped on a chair and, to save a fall,Caught at the table, then flat did sprawl,Dragging the table down with me,And everything on it, as well you may see!I cannot live in such a state!But where to begin is past my pate!

TIDY

Oh, dear, oh, dear, what shall I do?

Oh, such a plight I never knew!

Though I arose as is my way

An hour before the break of day,

Here it is noon, and nothing done;

The milk has soured in the sun,

And the sweet, pretty duck I broiled

A neighbor’s dog has dragged and spoiled;

I beat him with my hands and wept!

Straight through the window then he leapt,

And through the window after him,

With scratchéd face and bruiséd limb,

And on through mire and briar and bog

Hours and hours I chased that dog,

Stumbling, uttering awful cries—

While into my kitchen swarmed the flies!

I came back at half-past ten!

Oh, what a sight did greet me then!

My fair white sheets I hung so fine

Down in the black muck under the line!

And out of the oven from cakes ’n’ pies ’n’

Beautiful tarts the thick smoke risin’!

I knelt down my tarts to remove,

And my quince jelly that stood on the stove

Up did boil, and, as you see,

Boiled itself all over me!—

All over the floor, all over the room,—

Whereat I ran to fetch the broom—

The broom! The broom—instead of the mop!

To fetch a broom to wipe up slop!

And with its handle smashed the clock’s face,

Getting glass all over the place,

And knocked the dishes off the shelf,

And fell to my knees and cut myself,

And wept and cried and when I would rise

Could not see for the tears in my eyes;

So tripped on a chair and, to save a fall,

Caught at the table, then flat did sprawl,

Dragging the table down with me,

And everything on it, as well you may see!

I cannot live in such a state!

But where to begin is past my pate!

(EnterKING)

KINGI am the King of all these lands:Down upon your knees and hands.Wishing to marry me, I have saidThat the tidiest maiden I would wedIn all my realm, wherefore I goFrom kitchen to kitchen, that I may knowAnd judge for myself what maid is worthTo sit at my side in feasting and in mirth.Untidy Spill-time, it is easy to seeThat my fair bride you never will be.

KING

I am the King of all these lands:

Down upon your knees and hands.

Wishing to marry me, I have said

That the tidiest maiden I would wed

In all my realm, wherefore I go

From kitchen to kitchen, that I may know

And judge for myself what maid is worth

To sit at my side in feasting and in mirth.

Untidy Spill-time, it is easy to see

That my fair bride you never will be.

TIDYOh, great King, hear me when I sayThis has been a most unusual day!It is by chance alone you seeIn such a state my kitchen and me!I can set us both to rights in a minute!

TIDY

Oh, great King, hear me when I say

This has been a most unusual day!

It is by chance alone you see

In such a state my kitchen and me!

I can set us both to rights in a minute!

KINGIn vain! I have set a trap and caught you in it!Vain, wench, your lies and your pretense!I see what I see and I hie me hence!

KING

In vain! I have set a trap and caught you in it!

Vain, wench, your lies and your pretense!

I see what I see and I hie me hence!

(ExitKING)

(ExitTIDY,weeping)

(ENTER SLUT)

SLUTLest you know me not in this disguiseI tell you I am SLUT, and I tell you no lies.My face and my hands are clean and neat;Fresh is my frock, trim are my feet.But I assure you you are not wrongTo think that so tidy I shall not be for long.And if the story you wish from me,I will tell you how this came to be:Dull was the day and tedious my book;I saw no pleasure wherever I might look;I had done everything that I knew how to do,And I could think of nothing new.But at last I thought of oneThing that I had never done.And I said, “I will take a broom,And I will sweep this room!I will wash this floor!”I had never washed it before—“All things in order will I arrange,Although I hate order, for it will be a change.”So here I am, as you can see—I and my kitchen as clean as can be.But in a room as clean as thisMy bones ache and I find no bliss.So watch, and soon it will appearMuch less orderly and drear.

SLUT

Lest you know me not in this disguise

I tell you I am SLUT, and I tell you no lies.

My face and my hands are clean and neat;

Fresh is my frock, trim are my feet.

But I assure you you are not wrong

To think that so tidy I shall not be for long.

And if the story you wish from me,

I will tell you how this came to be:

Dull was the day and tedious my book;

I saw no pleasure wherever I might look;

I had done everything that I knew how to do,

And I could think of nothing new.

But at last I thought of one

Thing that I had never done.

And I said, “I will take a broom,

And I will sweep this room!

I will wash this floor!”

I had never washed it before—

“All things in order will I arrange,

Although I hate order, for it will be a change.”

So here I am, as you can see—

I and my kitchen as clean as can be.

But in a room as clean as this

My bones ache and I find no bliss.

So watch, and soon it will appear

Much less orderly and drear.

(EnterKING)

KINGDown upon your knees and hands!I am the King of all these lands.Wishing to marry me, I have saidThat the tidiest maiden I would wedIn all my realms, wherefore I goFrom kitchen to kitchen that I may know—Yet stay! This kitchen is so tidy,I think that you must be my bridey!As far and wide as I have beenSo neat a kitchen I have not seen;Therefore I say you are my wife,For the remainder of your life.

KING

Down upon your knees and hands!

I am the King of all these lands.

Wishing to marry me, I have said

That the tidiest maiden I would wed

In all my realms, wherefore I go

From kitchen to kitchen that I may know—

Yet stay! This kitchen is so tidy,

I think that you must be my bridey!

As far and wide as I have been

So neat a kitchen I have not seen;

Therefore I say you are my wife,

For the remainder of your life.

SLUT(aside)To point him out his error at first I intended,But least said is soonest mended.

SLUT(aside)

To point him out his error at first I intended,

But least said is soonest mended.

(ExeuntKINGwithSLUT)

(EnterTIDY)

TIDYNow once again with meAll is as it is wont to be.Now once again you see me standThe tidiest lady in the land.If the King should see me nowHe would tell a different tale, I trow.

TIDY

Now once again with me

All is as it is wont to be.

Now once again you see me stand

The tidiest lady in the land.

If the King should see me now

He would tell a different tale, I trow.

(EnterKING)

KINGOh, lovely lady, who are you,That I am a talking to?

KING

Oh, lovely lady, who are you,

That I am a talking to?

TIDYShe am I whom you did scornThis very day at morn.

TIDY

She am I whom you did scorn

This very day at morn.

KINGIt may not be as you have said,For you would I gladly wed!

KING

It may not be as you have said,

For you would I gladly wed!

TIDYI thank you for the favor, butThey tell me you have marriedSLUT!

TIDY

I thank you for the favor, but

They tell me you have marriedSLUT!

KINGOh, cock’s bones! And strike me dead!Is it a Slut that I have wed?

KING

Oh, cock’s bones! And strike me dead!

Is it a Slut that I have wed?

(EnterSLUTdressed as at first)

SLUTSo here you dally whilst I sit at home!Never any more abroad shall you roam,But sit at home with me for the rest of your life,For I am your lawful wedded wife!

SLUT

So here you dally whilst I sit at home!

Never any more abroad shall you roam,

But sit at home with me for the rest of your life,

For I am your lawful wedded wife!

KINGOh, woe is me, what a life will be mine!

KING

Oh, woe is me, what a life will be mine!

SLUTIt is too late now to repine:Home with me you come for the rest of your life,ForSLUTis your lawful wedded wife!

SLUT

It is too late now to repine:

Home with me you come for the rest of your life,

ForSLUTis your lawful wedded wife!

(ExitSLUTwithKING)

TIDYA slattern is a fearful sight,—ah, me!What pleasure it gives so tidy to be!

TIDY

A slattern is a fearful sight,—ah, me!

What pleasure it gives so tidy to be!

(ExitTIDY)

EPILOGUE

Now that the play is at an end,ByCHANCEyouhave enjoyed it, friend;ByCHANCEtoyouhis sweet was gall;ByCHANCEyouslumbered through it all.Howe’er it be, it was byCHANCETheKINGwas led so merry a dance,ByCHANCEthatTIDYmet disgrace,ByCHANCEaloneSLUTwashed her face;From morn to eve the whole day longIt was byCHANCEthat things went wrong.Wherefore, good friends, t’ escape derision,Be not o’er hasty in your decision,For he who heedeth not this ruleBY CHANCE HE WILL BE CALLED A FOOL!

Now that the play is at an end,

ByCHANCEyouhave enjoyed it, friend;

ByCHANCEtoyouhis sweet was gall;

ByCHANCEyouslumbered through it all.

Howe’er it be, it was byCHANCE

TheKINGwas led so merry a dance,

ByCHANCEthatTIDYmet disgrace,

ByCHANCEaloneSLUTwashed her face;

From morn to eve the whole day long

It was byCHANCEthat things went wrong.

Wherefore, good friends, t’ escape derision,

Be not o’er hasty in your decision,

For he who heedeth not this rule

BY CHANCE HE WILL BE CALLED A FOOL!

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