THE UNIVERSAL CONFLICT

NINETEEN ANYTHING—NINETEEN SOMETHING ELSE

By the Rt. Hon. Winsom Stunster Chortill

CHAPTER MXCVII

Golgotha

More criticisms—My “interference” with the Heavenly Twins—Suggested operations against Venus—My memoranda on Venus and Jupiter—Detailed proposals—Our new super-planetary battering-ram—Lord Krusher baffled—Correspondence between us—Lord Krusher’s objections—My reply—His antagonism—Meeting of the Allied Planetary Council—Serious position—The Archangel Gabriel’s shortcomings—My plan for saving the situation—The crisis—My resignation—Reflections.

Scarcelyhad died away the reverberations of criticism, enhanced by venomous personal attacks upon myself for my so-called “interference” in the operations against the Heavenly Twins, when a new crisis of even more momentous significance was sprung upon the Cabinet. In the previous December, with the fullest concurrence of the First Air Lord and the Board of Aerial Operations, I had planned a lightning raid on the planet of Venus to be carried out by our obsolete comets. The politicalsituation has so important a bearing upon this project that I must here interpolate a memorandum which, as long before as the previous July, I had addressed to the Secretary of State for Extra Planetary Affairs and circulated to my colleagues.

Memorandum.Mr. Chortill to the Extra Planetary Secretary.I can no longer preserve silence on the subject of Venus. Venusian hostility may quite well be fatal to the whole grand operation which we and our planetary allies are at present co-ordinating against the Central Planets. The grip of Mars upon Venus is unquestionably tightening; and, if no intervention is undertaken, but, on the contrary, the spirit oflaissez-faireis allowed to prevail, we shall not only lose a strong potential adherent, but, which is equally important, also forfeit considerable sympathy amongst our own people. The plan of the Martians is quite plain. Availing themselves of that well-known astronomical phenomenon—the Transit of Venus—they will undoubtedly utilise that period of uncertainty to detach this wavering planet from our cause and bind her irrevocably to themselves. That would be nothing short of a disaster.

Memorandum.

Mr. Chortill to the Extra Planetary Secretary.

I can no longer preserve silence on the subject of Venus. Venusian hostility may quite well be fatal to the whole grand operation which we and our planetary allies are at present co-ordinating against the Central Planets. The grip of Mars upon Venus is unquestionably tightening; and, if no intervention is undertaken, but, on the contrary, the spirit oflaissez-faireis allowed to prevail, we shall not only lose a strong potential adherent, but, which is equally important, also forfeit considerable sympathy amongst our own people. The plan of the Martians is quite plain. Availing themselves of that well-known astronomical phenomenon—the Transit of Venus—they will undoubtedly utilise that period of uncertainty to detach this wavering planet from our cause and bind her irrevocably to themselves. That would be nothing short of a disaster.

At the same time, knowing his difficulties incoping with the tasks of his office, I instructed the faithful Smashterton Jones to convey the following message to the Prime Minister himself:

Mr. Chortill to the Prime Minister.I am seriously exercised in my mind about Jupiter. I fear that, by confining ourselves to the narrow requirements of tactical gain, we are neglecting inter-planetary strategy. Do, I beg you, consider this point. If Jupiter can be induced—I don’t suggest that this proposal is necessarily the best, but, let us say, by the offer of one or both of the rings of Saturn under a Mandate of the League of Planets—if Jupiter could in this or some other manner be induced to take an active part, at least in the aerial blockade to cut off from the Central Planets the communication which at present they enjoy outside the Solar System, there is no doubt but that the conflict would be sensibly shortened, and it might make a difference of centuries. I enclose a Memorandum on Venus which I have sent to the Extra Planetary Secretary, and upon which I should value your remarks.W. S. C.

Mr. Chortill to the Prime Minister.

I am seriously exercised in my mind about Jupiter. I fear that, by confining ourselves to the narrow requirements of tactical gain, we are neglecting inter-planetary strategy. Do, I beg you, consider this point. If Jupiter can be induced—I don’t suggest that this proposal is necessarily the best, but, let us say, by the offer of one or both of the rings of Saturn under a Mandate of the League of Planets—if Jupiter could in this or some other manner be induced to take an active part, at least in the aerial blockade to cut off from the Central Planets the communication which at present they enjoy outside the Solar System, there is no doubt but that the conflict would be sensibly shortened, and it might make a difference of centuries. I enclose a Memorandum on Venus which I have sent to the Extra Planetary Secretary, and upon which I should value your remarks.

W. S. C.

Reverting now to the plan for an aerial raid on the planet of Venus. We had the old comets, quite ineffective for operations against the major Planets, but powerful and not at all to be despised;we had a satisfactory surplus of meteors which could be employed in support; and we had in addition the newly constructed, and in all respects novel, planetary battering-ram, specially designed for jarring, or, as the technical word is, “boosting” heavenly bodies out of their orbits—the apple of the eye of old Lord Krusher and the Board of Aerial Construction. This formidable engine, unique, as we were led to believe, in the whole stellar universe, must in any case carry out her trials somewhere, and might as well be utilised in toppling a potential antagonist out of our path, instead of being sent to the Milky Way for the usual two months’ test. So much for material. Of trained personnel we had, though not an abundance, a reasonable margin. Only one thing seemed to baffle the mighty war mind of old Lord Krusher and our experts—a satisfactory jumping-off place. Accordingly, the day before the Cabinet met, I dictated the following:—

First Lord to the First Air Lord.Referring to our conversation with regard to the Venus Striking Force, and the necessity for a jumping-off place, has it occurred to you that the Mountains of the Moon are in every way adapted for this purpose? A force of comets and meteors with the necessary reserves, L. of C.troops, etc., based upon this strategic point, not only dominates the principal airways and traffic routes, but points a spear directly at the heart of the enemy. Request therefore that you will examine this proposition, and, in conjunction with Aerial Operations, furnish me immediately with an estimate of the material, plant, etc., required to convert these natural fastnesses into a suitable base.W. S. C.

First Lord to the First Air Lord.

Referring to our conversation with regard to the Venus Striking Force, and the necessity for a jumping-off place, has it occurred to you that the Mountains of the Moon are in every way adapted for this purpose? A force of comets and meteors with the necessary reserves, L. of C.troops, etc., based upon this strategic point, not only dominates the principal airways and traffic routes, but points a spear directly at the heart of the enemy. Request therefore that you will examine this proposition, and, in conjunction with Aerial Operations, furnish me immediately with an estimate of the material, plant, etc., required to convert these natural fastnesses into a suitable base.

W. S. C.

To this he replied in a characteristic letter:—

Trusty and well-beloved Winsom,Your plan is, like yourself, marvellous! Nobody but you could have thought of it. I could turn the Mountains of the Moon into the base you require in forty-eight hours, but for one overriding difficulty, which your memorandum does not meet. There is noAIRon the Moon, my Winsom, and human beings being what they are,air is necessaryIF THEY ARE NOT TO PERISH.OnlyTHREEthings are necessary to win the war:air,SPEED, and GUTS. I have got the last, you are providing the second, but where are we to get the AIR?Skegness?We had better try the Valley of the Dry Bones instead, if the archæologists can find it for us. Failing that, Sinbad’s cavern.Yours till Ginger pops,Krusher.

Trusty and well-beloved Winsom,

Your plan is, like yourself, marvellous! Nobody but you could have thought of it. I could turn the Mountains of the Moon into the base you require in forty-eight hours, but for one overriding difficulty, which your memorandum does not meet. There is noAIRon the Moon, my Winsom, and human beings being what they are,air is necessaryIF THEY ARE NOT TO PERISH.

OnlyTHREEthings are necessary to win the war:air,SPEED, and GUTS. I have got the last, you are providing the second, but where are we to get the AIR?

Skegness?

We had better try the Valley of the Dry Bones instead, if the archæologists can find it for us. Failing that, Sinbad’s cavern.

Yours till Ginger pops,

Krusher.

This was the kind of thoughtless criticism to which I was occasionally subjected by the old air-dog.[1]Magnificent in his courage, more often right than wrong, a splendid example of British brain-power, there were times when he made the error of estimating other people’s mental capacity by his own. Time was pressing, so I wirelessed the following reply:—

First Lord to First Air Lord:

Take Supply of Oxygen in Canisters,

which settled the matter. Alas! I was to discover later that this too speedy resolution of his difficulties was merely to succeed in antagonising the bluff old warrior against the whole project.

Meanwhile the great Council of the Allied Planets met, and it became all too apparent that the operations, as a whole, were being pursued with even more than our customary hesitation and delay. The Archangel Gabriel, an excellent First Minister in times of peace, was beginning to give unmistakable signs of being too old and slow-witted for his work. Since his well-remembered and highly successful controversy with Lucifer, some æons before, his powers had been steadily waning; and it was speedily becoming apparent that he had no longer the mental alertnessand vigour of body for a prolonged campaign conducted under the stress of modern conditions. At times—as, for instance, over the thunderbolt shortage—he would arouse himself to prodigious efforts, equalling, if not outstripping, his ancient prowess. And then he would fall into always increasing periods of apathy, from which there was no extracting him.

In these circumstances I wrote the following memorandum:—

Memorandum by the Rt. Hon. Winsom Stunster Chortill on the general situation:We have now been at war for forty-three years and eleven days. A prodigious expenditure of blood and treasure has so far secured for us no material advantage. The essential services are suffering from lack of co-ordination. Much valuable energy is being wasted in duplication of effort.I have indicated in the accompanying appendices (36 in number) detailed plans for a change of policy on all the fronts, and I attach also an additional memorandum with 7 sequellæ, 41 maps and a detailed schedule of supplies, dealing with the political situation likely to arise on the Transit of Venus, and outlining a scheme of operations for immediate consideration and adoption.After all these years it becomes necessary to say that the Allied cause is suffering from a want of decision. As each new problem arises we seem to be more and more unprepared. This cannot be indefinitely prolonged, and only one sensible solution presents itself—namely, that the control of all policy, operations and forces should be centred under one hand. Modesty forbids the suggestion that the serious crisis in our national fortunes demands that I should indicate myself as the most suitable person to have charge of this enterprise; but if consulted I should be willing to express my opinion on the matter.W. S. C.

Memorandum by the Rt. Hon. Winsom Stunster Chortill on the general situation:

We have now been at war for forty-three years and eleven days. A prodigious expenditure of blood and treasure has so far secured for us no material advantage. The essential services are suffering from lack of co-ordination. Much valuable energy is being wasted in duplication of effort.

I have indicated in the accompanying appendices (36 in number) detailed plans for a change of policy on all the fronts, and I attach also an additional memorandum with 7 sequellæ, 41 maps and a detailed schedule of supplies, dealing with the political situation likely to arise on the Transit of Venus, and outlining a scheme of operations for immediate consideration and adoption.

After all these years it becomes necessary to say that the Allied cause is suffering from a want of decision. As each new problem arises we seem to be more and more unprepared. This cannot be indefinitely prolonged, and only one sensible solution presents itself—namely, that the control of all policy, operations and forces should be centred under one hand. Modesty forbids the suggestion that the serious crisis in our national fortunes demands that I should indicate myself as the most suitable person to have charge of this enterprise; but if consulted I should be willing to express my opinion on the matter.

W. S. C.

On the following day, the most fateful of my life, I was unable to resist a foreboding that things were not yet destined to go right for the Allied cause. The careful records I had kept of my administration satisfied me, as I looked through them, that for all I had done I could assure myself of the approval of posterity. We had created, equipped and maintained a gigantic aerial machine. No hostile forces had so much as come within sight of our planet. My further schemes, to which I had applied every existing intellectual test, made us reasonably certain of a speedy result; and I left my room and strode across to the Council with a conviction in myheart that I could carry through my proposals—and yet with a haunting fear of the unexpected. On arriving at the Council Chamber my forebodings became heavier. The proceedings were of a most perfunctory nature. All controversial business was adjourned to a later meeting, and we were informed that a crisis made it necessary for the head of the Government to demand the resignations of his entire Ministry. With a heavy heart I parted with the insignia of my office, realising, as I did so, that the struggle must now be indefinitely prolonged. The head of the Government, animated by that spirit of kindliness towards myself which he had ever shown, pressed me to accept a gilded sinecure. With every wish to avoid giving him pain I felt myself obliged to decline. Posterity, he told me, would appreciate my zeal in the public service.

Posterity, I felt to myself, as I left the building, would, thanks to my diaries, at least understand.

FOOTNOTES:[1]A kind of Skye terrier.—W. S. C.

FOOTNOTES:

[1]A kind of Skye terrier.—W. S. C.

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