Mike—“Sure, the darlin’ soul never said a worrud. An I was goin’ to have thim two front teeth pulled out anyway.”
Pat (going to battle): Why are you carrying that comb?
Mike: Sur’in fate, ’tis the easiest one to part with.
Mrs. Murphy:—“Did yez hear of the awful fright Harry got on his weddin’ day?”
Her Husband:—“Shure, and don’t Oi know it, wasn’t Oi there—and didn’t Oi see her.”
“This is the fourth morning you’ve been late, Bridget,” said the mistress to her maid.
“Shure, Ma’am,” replied Bridget, “I over-slept meself.”
“Where is the clock I gave you?”
“In my room ma’am.”
“And do you set the alarm?”
“Every night.”
“But don’t you hear the alarm in the morning, Bridget?”
“No ma’am, thot’s the trouble you see the thing goes off while I’m asleep.”
Terence:—I see where Mike has married the widow, Elizabeth.
Foley:—Shure, an’ she has two children, already.
Maggie:—The lucky divil is what I say.
Terence:—How so? Lucky is it?
Maggie:—Shure, an’ by marryin’ her he has a second-hand Lizzie and two runabouts.
Mrs. Muldoon—“Do your dauter, Mary Ann, take music lessons?”
Mrs. Mulcahy—“Yis; she took lessons on a phonygraph and she broke the record.”
TOO MUCH WORK.
Pat had seen nearly every clock in the place, but had discarded all of them as not being good enough for his purpose. The weary shopman had exhausted his whole stock, except a few cuckoo clocks, so he brought these forward as a last resource, and vowed he would do his best to sell one or know the reason why.
“Do the clocks strike the hour?” asked Pat, noticing their curious shape, and half doubting their capacity to do anything.
“I’ll show you what they do,” said the salesman; and he set the hands of one to a few minutes to twelve. When the little door flew open and the cuckoo thrust his head out, cuckooing away for dear life, Pat was thunderstruck. But when the bird disappeared he looked glum, and pondered in gloomy thought for a moment.
“Well, how do you like that?” asked the salesman. “That’s a staggerer for you, isn’t it?”
“Faith and begorra, I should think it is,” declared Pat. “It’s trouble enough to remember to wind it, without having to think of feeding the bird.”
The chauffeur never spoke except when addressed, but his few utterances, given in a broad brogue, were full of wit.
One of the men in the party remarked: “You’re a bright sort of a fellow, and it’s easy to see that your people came from Ireland.”
“No, sor; ye are very badly mistaken,” replied Pat.
“What!” said the man. “Didn’t they come from Ireland?”
“No, sor,” answered Pat, “they’re there yet.”
Mrs. Murphy—No, yer Reverence, Pat can’t go on that scrub-cuttin’ job to-day—he’s in bed wid snake-bite.
Father O’Grady—Save his soul! An’ so he’s been bit, eh?
Mrs. Murphy—Not yet, Father; but he has drank a bottle of brandy ’n case he might be!
ON HER CALLING LIST.
Mrs. Flynn had just moved into the neighborhood, and an old friend dropped in for a visit. “And are yez on callin’ terms wid yer nixt door neighbor yet?”
“Indade Oi am,” answered the lady. “Oi called her a thafe, an’ she called me another!”
HEART OUT OF PLACE
An Irishman was telling of his war wound. He said: “An’ the bullet went in me chist here, and come out me back!”
“But,” said his friend, “it would have gone thru your heart and killed you.”
“Faith, an’ me heart was in me mouth at the time!”
INTERPRETING A DREAM
“Do ye belave in dhrames, Riley?”
“Oi do,” was Riley’s reply.
“Phwat’s it a sign of if a married man dhrames he’s a bachelor?”
“It’s a sign thot he’s going to meet wid a great disappointment when he wakes up.”
The foreman looked him up and down.
“Are you a mechanic?” he asked.
“No, sorr,” was the answer. “Oi’m a McCarthy.”
A PECULIAR POISON
Professor O’Flanigan held up a small phial, and the class was silent. “One drop of this liquid,” said he, impressively, “placed upon the tongue of a cat is sufficient to kill the strongest man!”
For months Pat, who lived in the oil country, had been drilling unsuccessfully in his back yard. One day his friends were astonished to see him rush from his door cheering loudly.
“What’s the idea, Pat?” he was asked.
“Haven’t ye heard the good news?”
“Good Lord! You haven’t struck oil at last, have you?”
“No, not yet. But didn’t ye notice how the price of it went up yesterday?”
Pat and Mike were engaged in a dispute in a cemetery one day. “Well,” said Pat, “I don’t like this cemetery at all, at all.”
“Well,” said Mike, “I think it is a fine cemetery.”
“No,” said Pat, “I don’t like it at all, at all, and I’ll never be buried in it as long as I live.”
“What an unreasonable ould fool ye are, to be sure,” said Mike, losing his temper. “Why man alive, it is a fine cemetery, and if my life is spared, sure I’ll be buried in it.”
An Irishman said that a friend of his had died suddenly. “Did he live high?” he was asked. “I can’t say as to that,” replied Mike “but he died high,—he was hung.”
Mrs. O’Regan—“Did yez ever hov yer palm read, Mrs. O’Reilly?”
Mrs. O’Reilly—“Phwat a question, Mrs. O’Regan! Haven’t I had ten children an’ had to spank all o’ thim?”
CELTIC SARCASM
The Mistress—“If the eggs are to be kept fresh, you must lay them in a cool place.”
The Cook—“Oi’ll mintion it to the hens at wanst.”
AN ILLOGICAL DEDUCTION
“Begorra,” said Patsy, “Oi couldn’t pay me five dollar foine, and Oi had to go to gaol for six days.”
“An’ how much did yez spend to get drunk?” asked Mike, rather sarcastically.
“Oh, ’bout five dollars.”
“Yez fool, if yez had not spent yez five dollars for drink, yez’d had five dollars to pay yer foine wid.”
IMPORTANT
Mrs. O’Toole—“Phwat dy yez think, Pat? Here’s a mon mintioned in the paper as afther shootin’ his wife and himself.”
Pat—“Shure, which did he kill fust?”
CORRECT TIME.
Pat—“An’ whoy do yez carry two watches?”
Mike—“Faith, Oi nade wan to see how shlow th’ other wan is.”
FOLLOWING ORDERS.
Doctor—“The room seems cold, Mrs. Hooligan. Have you kept the thermometer at seventy, as I told you?”
Mrs. Hooligan—“Shure, an’ Oi hov, dochtor. There’s th’ devillish thing in a toombler av warrum wather at this blissid minnut.”
Pat Dooley went round to the cabin of Mike Doolan to pass the time of day to him; but Mike was out. Mrs. Mike was in, boiling the praties and trying to nurse the child at the same time. Pat, being a polite boy, offered to dandle the baby while Mrs. Mike stirred the pot.
In came Mike. “Good morning to you, Pat.”
“The top of the morning to you, Mike, and how’s yourself?”
“It’s gay and grand I am, and how are you, Pat?”
“Just holding my own,” says Pat, tossing the child.
And when Pat woke up, he found that he had been in the hospital for a week.
Private Murphy—“Shure, wid all them women’s movements, I belave we’ll have women soldiers by and by.”
Private Flannigan—“Not a bit of it, shure, the arms that defied the counthry will always be clothed in trousers!”
Mike O’Mulligan(In hospital operating room, just recovering from effects of chloroform)—“Och, be the powers, where am I? Where is it I am, at all, at all?”
Surgeon Sawbones(with a wink to his assistant)—“In Heaven.”
Mulligan(looking around)—“Thin I’d like to know phwat the pair of yez is doin’ here?”
GOOD LOGIC
Pat—“I say, Mick, I’m very hard up. Can you lind me the loan of a dollar?”
Mick—“Begorro, Pat, to tell yer the thruth, I haven’t a dime on me. Every penny I get I give to my poor old mother.”
Pat—“Be jabbers, Mick, I’ve just been talking to yer mother, and she tells me ye never give her a cent.”
Mick—“Oh, well, Pat if I don’t give my poor old mother a cent, what sort of a chance have you got of getting any?”
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