Wenow come, in Part Second, to consider what a young husband ought to know concerning his wife. In this chapter we desire to speak of what he ought to know of his wife while she is yet a bride. As soon as the minister has pronounced them husband and wife she is as truly the wife as she is later on, and we only use the word "bride" in that commonly accepted sense which refers to the earlier days and weeks of her married life.
We cannot enter upon the thought of this chapter without being conscious of the fact that doubtless thousands of young men will turn to these pages for information concerning the marriage relation who have themselves not yet entered the marriage bond. There is nothing in this book which a young man of mature years may not properly know. Indeed, every young man of mature years ought to possess the information which this volume contains. But we are also conscious of the fact that many young men who are engaged to marry, or are already married, will turn to these pages expecting to find here some means of deliverance from the results of mistakes which, in his lack of knowledge, he has alreadymade. As we enter upon the duty of telling the young husband what he ought to know concerning his bride, we feel the importance of saying that the information which he gathers from these pages will be but partial, unless he has the information concerning woman contained in the preceding volume of this series.
In telling a young husband what he ought to know concerning his bride, it is especially important that he should first understand the nature and purpose of the reproductive organs, the right relation of man to woman, and the correct teachings concerning marriage; and for the unfolding of these subjects we must refer the reader to Chapters VII., VIII. and IX. in "What a Young Man Ought to Know."
In addition to what we have said inChapter III.of this volume, in reference to the physical, intellectual, moral and sexual differences between men and women, it is necessary now to call the attention of young husbands to the fact that in woman there exists less sexual desire and satisfaction than in man.
Perhaps of the great majority of women it would be true to say that they are largely devoid of sexual pleasure. In regard to the intensity of the sexual instinct, women might with some accuracy be divided into three classes. The first class, which includes the larger number, is generally supposed to be quite devoid of sexual inclination and feeling. The condition of this class may be accounted for in three different ways. In some it is the result of ill health,produced by lack of sufficient exercise and outdoor recreation; because of excessive social demands, late hours, indigestible food, the enervating and exhaustive effects of novel-reading, and especially also of tight lacing, with all of its sad effects in debilitating and displacing the sexual and vital organs which are located in the pelvic and abdominal cavities. If women could but realize what pleasures might be theirs, if they would only live in a rational way, there would be but few men and women left to ask the question whether marriage is a failure.
Another cause of sexual indifference in a large class is found in the fact that some regard the existence of passion in women as derogatory to their sex. There are wives who pride themselves upon their indifference to the conjugal relation. They speak of their coldness and indifference as though it were a virtue, instead of a defect. The fact is, they are simply proud of their deficiency. With this, as with the proper exercise of every other bodily function, God has associated satisfaction and pleasure. The reception of food, which is to sustain and nourish life, is attended with pleasure. Seeing and hearing are attended with pleasure. The exercise of all of our bodily senses is designed to bring us pleasure and a sense of satisfaction. The exercise of the reproductive function is attended with great cost physically, financially, and in every way, and God has meant that to this great sacrifice man shall be prompted by a pleasure which shall be correspondingly great.God has designed that the act of reproduction should be recognized both as a duty and a pleasure, and the feeling which prompts to the perpetuation of the species is as proper as that which inclines the individual to the preservation of his own life or health. There can be no doubt but that in conception God has assigned an important office to inclination and sensation, for while authorities are agreed that conception may take place without attendant emotion upon the part of the female, yet the result is more assured, and the product of such a union is of a higher standard when both persons participate in the pleasures which invite to its consummation. This sexual indifference upon the part of the wife may sometimes be largely due to the fact that she and her husband are illy mated, physically, morally or socially; or because differences of education and divergence of views have produced that lack of harmony which has, at least measurably, blighted the affections.
There can be but little doubt that much marital indifference upon the part of wives is due to chronic constipation, which is so prevalent among women.
Another cause of this indifference upon the part of some wives, and this is a very small class, is due to malformation, local obstruction, because of an imperfect rupturing of the hymen, or, in rare instances, to a disease known as vaginismus, rendering the act not only devoid of pleasure, but possessed of actual discomfortand suffering. Where these conditions exist, prompt and competent medical assistance is needed for local treatment and judicious advice.
The second class is composed of women who find in the marital relation a moderate and normal pleasure when they are in health, and if indulged in at times which are agreeable to them, and at suitable intervals. This class represents, doubtless, those women who are more normal in this respect than those who belong to either of the other extremes. They constitute the middle class, and probably the largest number.
The third class represents the few in whom sexuality presides as a ruling passion. This class is by no means as numerous as some might imagine, and such women should never be married except to men of good health, strong physique, large powers of endurance, and with a pronounced sexual inclination. When a man with only moderate sexual inclination is united to a woman of this class it is a question which is more to be pitied, the husband whose wife is totally devoid of sexual instinct, or the man whose wife is sexually insatiable. While there are a few women of this class, yet the rule remains that in man the sexual instinct is more pronounced than in woman, and that man constitutes the active and aggressive division of the human family; for while a certain female may possess a more pronounced sexual nature than a certain male, yet in her sexual nature she is not as pronounced as the most active male.
While among all species the male is the more active and aggressive, yet any one who has given attention to the reproductive act among animals will have noticed that in no instance can the male force this relation upon the female without her acquiescence, and in most instances the time of copulation is wholly determined by the condition of the female. It is only when she is in condition to conceive that she will receive the male, and at those periods her condition inspires him to the act. We cannot but believe that this is also intended to be the rule among human beings, although, strange to say, the wishes of the wife are oftentimes wholly ignored, and she submits reluctantly, or is wholly overborne by the exactions of an inconsiderate or brutal husband.
If this subjugation of the wish and the will of the wife to the will of the husband is the result of the curse pronounced upon Eve, "Thy desire shall be to thy husband," the chastisement of woman has been truly severe, for no sorer punishment could well be inflicted than to be deprived of the right of ruling over one's own body, and being placed in subjection to the capricious will and exacting demands of an unreasonable husband. If the wrongs which wives suffer in this respect are the result of the fall of our first parents, we should nevertheless rejoice that now the spiritual and material blessings which have been restored by the Second Adam are also to be shared by woman, and in all the world no other person should beso anxious to crown her with the fullness of her natural rights as the man who will by such an effort vindicate the nobility of his own manhood and secure for himself the largest blessing and happiness, because he is her husband.
Not only is the reproductive nature of woman less pronounced than in man, but its continuance in her is of a much shorter duration. At about forty-five years of age, and in some very much earlier, the reproductive nature of woman undergoes those changes which render conception and childbearing impossible. At that period her sexual nature takes upon itself modifications which are more pronounced than those experienced by the male when a somewhat similar sexual hush comes to him. The character of these changes, and what they involve both to the husband and to the wife, are treated at length in the fourth volume of this series addressed to men at forty-five, and it is well that young husbands should know what the future has in store for them, and so regulate their married life that the later years may bring them the largest possible good and blessing.
The effect of the sexual relation upon newly-married men and women is oftentimes very noticeable. Sometimes those who previously seemed hearty and strong lose their bloom and vigor and become emaciated and miserable. Sometimes the reverse is the case. Especially among women, there are noticeable instances where the family heredity is good, no organic trouble exists, and yet the individual iswholly miserable, and after marriage speedily develops into a strong and hearty woman. There are some who improve somewhat in health, but who avoid parenthood, and thus defraud themselves of the acquisition of perfect health. These cases, however, are rather the exception, and so much is involved in marriage that no man or woman can afford to take such serious risks, because exceptional instances do rarely occur. Yet the fact remains that there are some who are weak and worried and restless before marriage who become hopeful, restful and strong after marriage; while others, who were well situated and contented in their sphere, accept, in marriage, conditions which result in producing a nervous, despondent and restless disposition.
If the marital relation of these people could be accurately known the cause of these noticeable changes might oftentimes be found in the moderation maintained by the one class and the excessive sexual indulgence the cause in the other. Sexual excess is quite common among married persons. In the husband it results in the destruction of physical power and in the weakening of the intellect as well. Force used in this way is not available for use intellectually, and the consequent effects unfit for study, mental activity, and oftentimes for all kinds of business. It renders the husband nervous, morose, and uncompanionable. The man who is guilty of excess not only destroys his own capacity for pleasure, but is alike unjust to his wife. He renders her incapable of marital pleasure, andalso renders her incapable of bringing to him the satisfaction which he seeks. Such a husband destroys the amiability of his wife, renders her weak and nervous, converts her into an invalid, and imposes upon himself large financial outlays for medical advice and attendance. Such a husband deliberately, but not always knowingly, consumes and destroys the physical qualities which made the wife attractive to him, and destroys the very foundation upon which all happiness in the home must rest. Excessive sexual tendencies among men are generally the result of early self-pollution, later illicit relations, reveling in vile stories, nude pictures, the reading of suggestive novels, the polluting of the imagination, and incorrect ideas of the proper relation in marriage. Thought is allowed to dwell too much upon these subjects, the flow of blood to the sexual parts becomes excessive, and the only remedy is by purifying the mind, correcting the ideas, resolutely determining to be moderate and considerate, removing all causes of undue sexual excitement, resorting to the bath, being judicious in the diet, giving due consideration to physical culture, and taking such an amount of exercise daily as is calculated to secure the best physical results and most effectual sexual mastery. The man who needs to be helped in the direction of moderation would do well to confide in his wife that her influence over him may be helpful and corrective, for in this, as in other things, a discreet and considerate wife is her husband's best balance-wheel.
Fewyoung husbands are intelligent guardians of their brides. Indeed, when first entering upon the marriage relation, young husbands are in danger of making some very serious mistakes. Many a husband has had cause to regret that in his lack of consideration he has allowed his passion to awaken in his wife such a feeling of disgust as to obliterate her affection for him, to blast the prospects of all future happiness, and render both himself and wife miserable throughout all their subsequent years.
In the first place a young husband should know that many women, even at the time of their marriage, are totally ignorant of all questions relating to sex. There are some women who do not so much as know that there are any physical differences between men and women. There are others who may know there is some difference, but into whose minds the thought of coition has never once entered. While this may not be true in a majority of cases, yet it is true in a large number of instances. We have even known of young wives who have approached the period of their first confinement who did not know the cause of their increasing bodily size; and we recently learned of an instance where the physician was already in the room to attend the expectant mother, who thought that she was to be delivered of her child by a surgical operation. She thought that the doctor was to make an incision in the abdomen, and remove her child in that way.
To say that all this is culpable ignorance does not, however, remove the fact. Young husbands do well to recognize the fact that such ignorance exists, and that, in addition to such possible ignorance upon the part of his own bride, there is that general condition of exhaustion and debility which follows as the result of the weeks of preparation and nervous excitement which have preceded and culminated at the time of the wedding festivities. We have already dwelt upon this phase of the subject, and we need not enlarge upon it here. With the poor it is weeks, and sometimes months, of sewing and preparation. With the rich it is the meeting of social exactions and requirements, formal visitations, and then senseless seclusion. In each instance the results are equally enervating, bringing most brides, whether rich or poor, to the one great event in their lives in an exhausted and nervous condition. To say the least, this uniform physical depletion entitles the bride to the most thoughtful consideration and most gentle treatment that the young husband can exercise.
With ignorance upon the one side, inconsideration and ungovernable passion upon the other, the combination is unfortunate and theresults are oftentimes serious. The first act in the drama which is to culminate in separation and an effort to secure a divorce, is often enacted upon the night of the very day which witnessed the marriage ceremony and was attended with the congratulation of friends. The ignorance and inconsiderateness of both are alike to blame for this sad result—the wife for her lack of knowledge and consideration, and the husband for his lack of intelligent and thoughtful appreciation of the delicacies and dangers of his new relation.
In Greece the custom prevails of allowing three days to intervene between the marriage ceremony and the consummation of marriage. It would be well if such a custom prevailed everywhere. It would allow the exhausted, nervous, timid bride to bring to the consummation of the marriage relation renewed vigor and mental composure. It would prepare the mind of the young husband for such self-possession and restraint as would be becoming in this new relation, and would secure for him a happiness greatly heightened in intensity, and that would be prolonged through all the years that lie beyond.
It is enough to make a thoughtful and considerate man blush to think of the scores of wives who annually confess to their physicians that the only rape that was ever committed upon them was by their own husbands the first day of their married life. We recently heard of an instance where the expressed impatienceand manifest impetuosity of the young husband, the moment he came into the bridal chamber with his young wife, awakened in her mind such a feeling of disgust that after a brief parleying the young wife left the room and refused ever to return to her husband, and thus terminated abruptly what, with thoughtful and considerate approaches and manifest affection, might have resulted in a union of lifelong happiness.
In his book, entitled "Plain Talks on Avoided Subjects," Dr. Henry L. Guernsey says: "Tenderly and with great consideration should these privileges be accepted, for, contrary to the opinion of many men, there is no sensual passion on the part of the bride that induces her to grant such liberties. Then how exquisitely gentle and how forbearing should be the bridegroom's deportment on such occasions. Sometimes such a shock is administered to her sensibilities that she does not recover from it for years; and in consequence of this shock, rudely or ruthlessly administered, she forms a deeply rooted antipathy against the very act which is the bond and seal of a truly happy married life."
Mrs. E. B. Duffey, in her book entitled "The Relations of the Sexes," says: "Do not be in too great haste to brush the bloom from the fruit you covet. It will lose half its attractions at once. Practice in lawful wedlock the arts of the seducer rather than the violence of the man who commits rape, and you will find the reward of your patience very sweet and lasting. Thisbud of passion cannot be forced rudely open. Its development must be the work of time. If the young wife is met with violence, if she finds that her husband regards the gratification of his own desires more than her feelings—and if she be worn and wearied with excesses in the early days of her married life, the bud will be blighted. The husband will have only himself to blame if he is bound all his life to an apathetic, irresponsive wife. It is easy to imagine the unsatisfactory conjugal relations which are brought about in punishment of the husband's early impetuosity and ignorance. He finds an unreciprocal wife, doubts her affection for him, because, with his masculine nature, he cannot conceive of a love unblended with passion. She, in her defrauded womanhood, feels aggrieved and debased by any conjugal approach—especially by an enforced one—and finds it equally hard to understand how affection and passion can be united; the one she knows to be so self-forgetful and denying, and the other she has such abundant cause for believing utterly selfish and rapacious."
The excesses which are likely to follow after the earliest experiences of married life are also to be cautiously guarded against. The author whom we have just quoted says: "I will venture to say that there is not one man in fifty who in the first years of his married life is not guilty of sexual abuse towards his wife, which effect is alone sufficient to account for the great prevalence of female diseases. Not that every womanis injured by it to the extent of inflammation and ulceration, yet many are. I am not running a tilt against married men. I blame them for no intentional wrong—only for ignorance. And women are also equally to blame in this matter. They are just as ignorant as their husbands, and often allow themselves to yield to demands or importunities when, if they were to consider it a conscientious duty to refuse, they would do so.
"The tender, delicate organs of generation in women are often abused to such an extent by too frequent use that they become inflamed and ulcerate, and render the woman an invalid. Even the husband does not see the cause or measure the extent of his folly, but persists in his selfish course in spite of the sufferings he causes his wife, constantly aggravating her disorders, and rendering them more and more hopeless of cure. Thus the husband, kind and attentive in all other matters—who would not allow the winds of heaven to visit the cheek of his wife too roughly—becomes, in this one respect, a very—I was about to say brute; but the animal creation presents no parallel case, so I find no appropriate word in comparison."
In his book entitled "The Transmission of Life," Dr. George H. Napheys, in writing upon this subject, says: "The consequence is that in repeated instances the thoughtlessness and precipitancy of the young husband lay the foundation for numerous diseases of the womb and nervous system; for the gratification of a nighthe forfeits the comfort of years. Let him, at the time when the slow-paced hours have at last brought to him the treasures he has so long been coveting, administer with a frugal hand and with a wise forethought. Let him be considerate, temperate, and self-controlled. He will never regret it if he defer for days the exercise of those privileges which the law now gives him, but which are more than disappointing if seized upon in an arbitrary, coarse, or brutal manner.
"The husband should be aware that while, as a rule, the first conjugal approaches are painful to the new wife, and, therefore, that she only submits and cannot enjoy them. This pain should not be excessively severe, nor should it last for any great length of time—not more than one or two weeks. Should the case be otherwise, then something is wrong, and if rest does not restore the parts a physician should be consulted. It is especially necessary that great moderation be observed at first, an admonition which we the more urgently give because we know it is needed, because those specialists who devote their time to diseases of women are constantly meeting patients who date their months and years of misery from the epoch of marriage."
The pain and inconvenience to which the doctor refers in the preceding paragraph is oftentimes due to the presence in young wives of what is known as the hymen. This is a thin membrane which nature places near the lower extremity of the vaginal passage to protect thedelicate linings of the reproductive organs of the female against the admission of any foreign substance, exposure to cold, or any other influence which might tend to the injury of the reproductive nature. With the growth of the body this membrane sometimes acquires such consistency or strength that the rupturing of it is attended with inconvenience, and oftentimes with much pain. This fact alone should render a young husband very considerate, dispassionate, and thoughtful.
The pain attendant upon the rupturing of the hymen is not so much due to the sensitiveness of the membrane itself as the fact that it adheres to the walls of the vagina, and any lateral pressure brought to bear upon the hymen imposes such a tension where the hymen is attached to the walls of the vagina as to produce, in some instances at least, intense pain. The rupturing of the hymen is often attended with a small quantity of blood, sometimes scarcely perceptible, and at other times more considerable.
It was at one time thought that the presence of the hymen was an unmistakable evidence of virginity, and its absence was regarded as a cause for suspicion, if not a proof, of previous sexual relation. While it is true that in most virgins the hymen does exist, yet we do not have the slightest hesitation in saying that it does not exist in all. It may be ruptured and destroyed by a slight accident during childhood, is sometimes even destroyed at birth; in abnormal cases it may need to be destroyed mechanically by the family physician in order to remove it as an impediment in the more easy flow of the monthly period.
Mrs. E. B. Duffey, in "What Women Should Know," when writing of the test of virginity, says: "It is popularly believed that the husband receives proof, upon the consummation of his marriage, of the previous chastity of his wife. If he obtains this evidence it is safe to accept it as conclusive, though rare exceptional cases are to be met with in which the evidence counts for nothing. If, on the other hand, the proof is wanting, it is most unjust and cruel, on the strength of this alone, to charge a wife with want of chastity previous to marriage. It is not uncommon for accidents, which may occur at any time, and which may even date back to birth itself, to destroy this evidence, or it may never have existed."
Dr. Napheys says: "The presence or absence of the hymen is no test. There is, in fact, no sign whatever which allows even an expert positively to say that a woman has or has not suffered the approaches of one of the opposite sex. The true and only test which any man should look for is modesty in demeanor before marriage, absence both of assumed ignorance and a disagreeable familiarity, and a pure and religious frame of mind. Where these are present he need not doubt that he has a faithful and chaste wife."
It is important for young husbands to know that when a serious inconvenience is experienced in the consummation of marriage, if not easily removed by care and consideration, but remains an impediment or a pain for a period of days, or of a couple of weeks, medical advice and assistance should by all means be sought. In the case of women who have advanced in years before marriage such difficulties often occur, and medical assistance is the safest, most sensible and speediest source of delivery.
We cannot pass this point without seeking to impress upon the young husband the danger liable to result from the use of wine and other stimulants upon the occasion of his marriage. One of the most terrible afflictions which can come to any home is the birth of an idiot, and if the statements of medical authority are to be relied upon, the birth of these unfortunate burdens to their parents is due to their conception at a time when either the husband or the wife, or both, were under the effects of stimulants, and the temporary idiocy of an inebriated man or woman has been transmitted and permanently embodied in the begetting and birth of a child that has been robbed of its rights by the wrongs of its parents, who have pulled down upon their own heads one of the most awful and prolonged curses which could be suffered as a result of a human mistake.
Note also carefully the fact that the exhausted physical condition of the bride is sure to result in an enfeebled offspring, should conception occur before she has regained her physical powers. It is possible that the exhausted physical condition of young brides, and that the excessive indulgence which is likely to follow the earlier months of marriage, either one or both, are largely the chief cause, or causes, of the frightful mortality among first-born children.
The joys of the newly-married are not only noticeable, but very beautiful. The outgoings of human affection are as beautiful and impressive as the relation of the birds that don their brightest plumage, sing their sweetest songs and build their nests in the springtime, when the mating instincts and emotional nature of the birds reach their highest and most animate expression. A young bride, in conversation with one of her intimate friends, in alluding to her happiness, said: "It is too good to last." The fact is, that this intensity of reproductive activity must give place to corresponding rest-periods of considerable length, or depletion and death would ensue as the inevitable result. The wave not only cannot, but it should not always remain at its crest, but it must subside and sink, in order that it may regain itself and rise on the crest of a new wave of emotional activity.
The pleasures of married life can only be heightened and perpetuated in a home of your own. The newly-married should always live apart by themselves, wherever such a course is at all possible. Living with the parents of either party is generally disadvantageous, and life in a hotel or boarding-house is not only undesirable, but dangerous.
Birds never live in a boarding-house, neither should married people. To the newly-married it is a place of special disadvantage and danger. They need to be alone, rather than under the constant gaze of the curious. In such a place both are exposed to the constant assaults of gossips, the wife is compelled to live in idleness, is a prisoner in her own room, is exposed to perils innumerable, and jealousies and alienations are likely to be engendered. A boarding-house is no place for the newly-married, who have a right to expect that lawful and honorable marriage may result in parentage. Any medical practitioner can testify to the number of young wives who have besought them to murder their unborn children because they were "boarding," and it was "not convenient to have a family."
A modest little home of your own is always best. If that is not possible, then rent a house, but do not start in a pretentious and extravagant way. Live within your means from the beginning. Do not bank upon the future. If you do not save money at first, the probabilities are that you never will. Debt is a terrible incubus. It will take the color out of the cheek of your wife, it will despoil the husband of pluck and energy and hope. It will cast over the prospect of coming years the dark shadow of despondency and despair. Cheerfully submit to such self-denials as will enable you to save something from your income. Join a good and safe building association, and if you cannot buy an humble home at once, plan to do so as early as possible. Plan for your needs and comforts, rather than for display and wretchedness. Home happiness is found in contraction, and not in expansion. A large house with many rooms requires the presence of many servants. These irritate, bring constant annoyance to the wife, who should be carefully delivered from undue anxiety; and they also impose large outlays of money, for which neither the husband nor the wife receive many returns, unless it may be the empty satisfaction of "what our friends will think." If you really wish your friends to think well of you, be governed by sense and not by sentiment.
For the sake of health, of present and future happiness, and the well-being of your children that are to be, both the husband and the wife should be industrious. His daily occupation and her daily duties will prove ministers of mercy to each. Idleness for either is a misfortune. Discontent, dissatisfaction and divorce, one or all, are always born of idleness.
Perhaps one of the happiest moments in your life will be when you step into a house which you can call your own home, and for the first time sit down at your own table. If you wish to perpetuate that joy, see to it that you are attentive, devoted, given to a verbal expression of your affection and an appreciation for every effort made by your wife to render your home attractive, your food palatable and your life enjoyable. Let her know that you appreciateevery effort that she puts forth, and as the months and the years go by do not think a repetition of praise would become an offending monotony to her. A wife never ceases to love the expressions of admiration, appreciation and affection upon the part of her husband.
If you start out with a struggle to determine whether the will of the wife or the will of the husband shall have preference andpre-eminence, you may reasonably expect contention and strife for all the rest of your life. Let each seek to surpass the other in consideration, deference, and even self-denial, and the light and the joy which break upon your home in the beginning will abide to the end.
Ina previous place we have spoken of the importance of industry and activity as important elements in a young wife, and as essential in securing success for the family, happiness in the home, and bodily health and vigor for the wife. An idle woman is always an unhappy woman, and she eventually succeeds in making every one unhappy about her. Her household duties are no misfortune, but a blessing.
But there is also another side to the question. Unthoughtful husbands do not always appreciate the magnitude of the duties which fall to the successful homemaker and homekeeper. Her duties are legion. We do not now speak of the wives who live in affluence, who never need to regard expense, who have only to indicate their wish in order to have it executed; but of the great multitude of wives and mothers who preside in the homes of the great middle class and of those who struggle with the economies and duties in homes of small means. The young husband should appreciate the fact that if the beautiful poetry which adorns the tombstones in our cemeteries could be translated into truthful prose they would tell of the thousands of martyrs to mending, sewing, baking,scrubbing—they would tell that the weapons by which hundreds of these housekeepers were slain were the broom, the sewing-machine, the cradle and the ladle. The Thirty Years' War was not so severe or so prolonged as the warfare which is waged from early morning till late at night by the great army of industrious wives, busy mothers and anxious homekeepers. If the boy has lost his book or the girl her bonnet, mother must help to find it. If the baby coughs or cries at night the father sleeps on oblivious of the fact, but the infant cannot stir without being heard by its anxious and attentive mother. If sickness compels, she bends in anxious vigils over the little life that lies in the cradle. If the breadwinner is brought home sick, it matters not how manifold the duties of the mother, no trained nurse can take the place of the wife at the bedside. In health and in sickness, in prosperity and adversity, during the day and at night, the wife and the mother finds herself the centre of duties, and very often of exactions.
In the demands which a young husband makes upon the young wife he should remember what are her duties and requirements during the day, in the home, in the church, in society, in the community; he should remember that physically she is the weaker vessel, that even when in her best physical condition sexual inclination is largely dormant, and when she is weary and worn she deserves to be treated with more than usual thoughtfulness and consideration.
Whatever demands the young husband makes upon his wife, whether as his helper or the participant of his joys, he should remember that even from the low standpoint of selfish interest and personal pleasure he wrongs himself, in addition to being unjust and oftentimes cruel to his wife, when he fails to take into consideration her physical condition and manifold duties.
If the young husband and wife desire to be permanently happy they dare not ignore the special purpose for which God instituted marriage. While marriage has other purposes, yet the great final purpose is the raising up of a family and the perpetuation of the human race. The injunction which God gave to Noah, when he said, "Be ye fruitful and multiply, bringing forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein," is to-day, and ever will be, in force. Among the Israelites barrenness was regarded as one of the greatest of misfortunes. In many instances it was regarded as a cause of personal shame, and even of dishonor. When Hannah went up to the Temple and prayed for a son she was only giving expression to the longings and desires which filled the heart of every barren Israelitish woman who had entered into the sacred bonds of marriage, and when God promised Abraham and Sarah that their seed should be in multitude as the stars in the heavens they regarded themselves as the recipients of one of the greatest blessings which God could bestow.
The same is true in India, where the people are polygamists in theory, but seldom in practice, except when the first wife is childless. The family must not be left without a priest, or the parents without descendants; therefore the husband is permitted by law to take two, or even more, wives, in order that he may raise up children unto himself.
If marriage was instituted for the good of the man and the woman who enter into this sacred relation, their highest good cannot be attained in this relation until their union is blessed with children. It has been aptly said that the man needs the woman and the woman needs the man, and both need the children. The obligation to have children is not only enjoined in the Scriptures, but written in the physical, social and moral constitution of man and woman. This law is "rooted in the unconscious law of life which bids us perpetuate our kind; which guards over the conservation of life." "Love looks to marriage and marriage to offspring as a natural sequence." Any entering into the bond of marriage with the resolved purpose of avoiding the begetting and the bearing of children constitutes a union which accepts lust in the place of love, and converts the honorable estate of marriage into a form of legalized prostitution.
An earnest writer aptly says: "I must counsel husbands and wives to cherish the hope of becoming parents, and to let their hearts stand in a holy attitude in this respect. You should allow neither moderate income, financial pressure, sensual pleasure, nor evil forebodings, tocause you to entertain unholy thoughts or induce you to engage in criminal proceedings in this matter. No child should be considered an unwelcome intruder in the home. The heart of the home is the cradle; it is the cementing tie between husband and wife. God intends that husbands and wives should become parents; and no pure woman nor honorable man will enter upon matrimony with intentions to the contrary. If they do, God will visit upon them degraded morals, ruined health, financial loss, or other terrible inflictions. The world has millions of faithful wives and mothers, but there are thousands of childless wives who are so because they entered into that black crime of conspiring with the devil to prevent them from being mothers. They regard children as an unmitigated nuisance, and consequently darken, blast and damn their own lives with an act of murder. On the other hand, God blesses the mothers, in that he prolongs their days and brings up their children to reflect glory and honor upon them."
Dr. Guernsey says: "The object of marriage is the ultimation of that love which brings the two together and binds them together in the procreation and rearing of children for heaven. This is the only true aim and sole object about which every earthly desire, interest and plan of the married pair should cluster. No greater crime in the sight of heaven exists to-day than that of preventing the natural use of marriage. This is done in a great variety of ways, everyone of which is criminal, in whatever form practiced; and none will escape the penalty—no, not one. Nature's laws are inexorable; every transgression, therefore, is surely punished, even at theclimacteric period, if not before. The questions of failing health, or physical inability, or too frequent conceptions are matters for the investigation, advice and decision of an experienced, judicious and upright physician. They should never be taken in hand and judged upon by the parties themselves. And to the objection 'Can't afford to have children—they cost too much,' I have faith enough to reply, 'Our heavenly Father never sends more mouths than he can feed.' Let each one do his and her duty in life, and this cavil falls to the ground—which, when spilled, cannot be gathered up.
"Good people everywhere rejoice when they behold a married couple living together in an orderly manner and rearing a large family of children. How often is Queen Victoria held up as a pattern of excellence in this respect. She accepted and acknowledged Prince Albert as her husband and gave herself to him as his wife; and so indeed she was in every sense of the term. Although a queen, sitting on the pinnacle of power, she did not seek to avoid the pangs, the dangers or inconveniences of bearing children. By her own personal strength her twelve children were brought forth, and her own sensitive fibres and tissues felt the suffering. She nursed, caressed and loved them likea good mother, and she was aroyal mother! Other kings and queens have done likewise; other husbands and wives, high in power, wealth and fashion, have done and are still doing the same. And how much the less should we, in the humbler walks of life, obey the divine command, 'Be fruitful and multiply'? If a husband truly loves his wife, and if she truly loves him, they will live for each other and in each other, and they will be one; and they will seek to do right in every particular of their marital relation."
We believe that every thoughtful man and considerate husband will concede that motherhood may not justly or properly be forced upon a resisting wife. That many wives do refuse to bear children, no well-informed person can deny. Sometimes the reasons assigned are unworthy of womanhood, base and ignoble. At other times the reasons assigned by the wife are worthy of the most thoughtful consideration. But whether the reasons which the wife entertains are honorable or dishonorable, correct or criminal, it must nevertheless be acknowledged that she is a free moral agent, and if she assumes the responsibility of declining one of the main purposes for which marriage was instituted she must herself bear the responsibility. To designedly inflict conception upon an unwilling and resisting wife the husband makes himself guilty of great injustice, invades the personal rights of his wife as an individual, and is guilty of a great wrong.
Where a wife is unwilling to become a mother, the best way for a husband to move her mind properly in this matter is to bring her under the influence of such books and teachings as will help her to understand her duty and obligation in this matter; help her to see that this is one of the great purposes for which marriage is instituted, and that where childbearing is intentionally and persistently evaded it becomes a crime against man and against God.
Many wives are not willing to consent to become mothers because they are unwilling to give up society; they prefer to live for the rounds of fashionable life. With others there is a dread of childbearing. This is not so common in brides or newly-married women; but with many, after they have given birth to one child they are unwilling ever to consent to a similar struggle. Had these young wives been made intelligent by their mothers, and been properly instructed upon these subjects before marriage, and lived according to the laws of hygiene and health during the period preceding the birth of their child, their experience might have been very different, and they would never have had the dread which comes to so many. There are good books upon this subject, and those who live hygienically and properly will find the terrors of childbearing greatly mitigated; indeed, they may be almost wholly alleviated. There are those who contend that childbearing may be rendered practically painless, and those who desire information uponthis subject would do well to read the book entitled "Maternity Without Suffering," which is worth many times its cost.[A]
There are other women who dread the care and rearing of children, and there are still others whose aversion to childbearing is wholly due to their false ideas of life. To us, one of the saddest sights is a woman with a pronounced God-given mother-instinct who is unwilling to bear children, or, if she is the mother of children, is not willing to care for them, but thrusts them from her, committing them wholly to nurses and attendants, and then allows the mother-instinct to find its expression in petting a cat or mothering a dog.
No married woman should refuse to become a mother because of its perils. Statistics go to show that more unmarried women between the ages of twenty and forty-five die than of married women. God designed woman for motherhood, fitted her for its physical requirements, and her largest happiness, best health, greatest usefulness and longest life is attained by conformity to this divine purpose. Among the greatest sufferers in this world are the large numbers of those who have sought to defeat the purposes of God and have brought upon themselves untold misery. Obedience brings blessing. It is not only the end, but "thewayof the transgressor" that is hard.
Parenthood is also essential to the roundingout of the moral nature. That which is noblest and best in woman's nature is awakened and quickened when for the first time is folded to her breast a new life which is a part of herself. The child will teach her to be unselfish, to live for the happiness and well-being of another. Its government and discipline will awaken in her mind the principles which she desires to instil into the mind of her child, and as she gathers her little ones about her, tells them of God and heaven, and teaches them to lisp their infant prayer, her religious nature will attain unto a perfection and beauty which would not be possible under any other earthly influence.
The thoughtful and judicious wife also recognizes the fact that the presence of children in the home will exert an influence over the father which will refine, benefit and bless as no other influence on earth can. The little ones that reach out their hands in dependence toward him will inspire him to energy and effort in a higher, holier and nobler way than could ever be done by any commercial consideration. The noblest and most considerate manifestations of the father nature can in no other way be called into so full and beautiful an exercise as by the presence of children in the home. If the love for his children and the desire for their well-being and blessing do not teach him larger lessons of self-denial than he has ever known before, he will demonstrate that he is incapable of feeling the influence of the most potent incentive which God has permitted to come into human lives.
But the children will have an effect not only upon the parents individually, but they will bless both by drawing the husband and wife into a closer bond of sympathy and affection than would be possible under any other conditions. It has aptly been said that children are golden links that bind the husband and wife in a bond of closest endearment. They also serve as a buffer to break the jars of family life. These little ones awaken the best qualities in the natures of both parents. They enlarge and round out those qualities which would otherwise remain dwarfed and prematurely die. They afford a purpose in life for the father and mother, such as can be found in no other object upon earth.
In the study of their own children parents have an opportunity to learn human nature as they can learn it nowhere else. When their children are old enough they will criticise, suggest, and often help the parents to correct faults which would otherwise go unnoted and which could be properly criticised by no one else. It is the absence of this help which children bring into the home which oftentimes renders childless married people more faulty than others who have the advantage of such help. In times of trouble and trial the children will be prepared to comfort and sustain their parents. In times of sickness they will come with their sympathy and assistance, and when advancing years and the infirmities of age come they will be prepared to comfort and sustain their parents, andin their declining years afford them a refuge and a home, and when death comes they will shed the tear of sympathy and over their graves will plant the flowers that shall bloom in beauty and fragrance.
That the mother-instinct exists in the hearts of infants is early seen in the desire upon the part of little girls to mother their dolls, whether they have been purchased at great cost or are made of a few old clothes rolled up into the shape of a rag-baby. Where a stranger is uncertain about the sex of a child it can usually be pretty certainly determined by asking whether they prefer a doll or a horse.
It would be wrong, however, to suppose, because the little boy manifests the preference for a horse, that therefore he will never be interested in children. The pleasures and satisfactions of parenthood are as great to the father as to the mother, and while there is a difference between the mother-nature and the father-nature, yet, because of the terribly perverting influences of modern society, the desire for children is often stronger in the husband than in the wife. Where the natures of both are as God intended, sterility and barrenness would be alike a great disappointment for either. The desire for children is natural both to men and women, and in the home, as in universal nature, unfruitfulness and barrenness are a great misfortune.
About one marriage in eight or ten is usually barren of children. In the animal kingdom, and among insects especially, an abundance offood is indispensable to a rapid increase of numbers by reproduction. In the human family the question of food as it stands related to the question of reproduction is an important one. If the food is insufficient, either in quantity or quality, to maintain good physical conditions, or if it is too abundant or too rich, a tendency to sterility and barrenness is alike the result. Illustrations are not wanting of persons who, possessing large wealth and allowing themselves great indulgence in eating, became fat and corpulent and remained childless, but when financial reverses came their corpulence departed with their wealth, and they became the parents of children.
While the question of food is very important, it is not the only cause of barrenness. Sterility may be due to excessive sexuality in the marriage relation, or it may be due to such ante-nuptial indulgence of the husband as has resulted in a depleted condition of the reproductive organs. Sometimes it is due to apathy on the part of the wife, and at other times, although less frequent, it may be the result upon her part of too intense pleasure during coition.
It may also be due toabnormalconditions produced by tampering with the reproductive function. In some instances there is a lack of such physiological compatibility as is necessary to result in conception. Instances are not wanting where barrenness has existed and the subsequent remarriage of both parties have demonstrated that neither were personallysterile, but that unitedly they were physiologically incompatible.
Barrenness is oftentimes the result of displacement of the womb or other unfavorable conditions in the female. It would be wrong, however, to suppose that the difficulty may not rest wholly with the husband. Even where a man seems in good bodily vigor and enjoys excellent health, the sperm may be devoid of those characteristics which are essential to the production of life. This condition can only be determined by a competent physician with the aid of the microscope and other means. It is also asserted by reliable medical authority that miscarriage may take place so early after conception that the wife may never suspect the real condition, but imagine herself sterile.
The cause of the barrenness of not a few women is clearly traceable to the fact that because of the impure life of the husband, either before or after marriage, he contracted gonorrhœa, and although at the time he may have thought it a small matter, and soon regarded himself as entirely cured, this terrible disease left its trace behind it, and perhaps two or three years afterward, when he entered the marriage relation, he imparted the hidden remnants of this disease to his innocent and unsuspecting wife, and in whom, perchance, the real disease has never been recognized at all, but the inflammation which it caused extended from the vagina to the womb, and then out through the tubes to the ovaries, and the delicate organs of reproductionwere so injured as to result in permanent barrenness.
The cure for barrenness is found in remedying the cause. To discover what that cause is often requires the consultation and advice of a thoroughly competent physician, and to arrive at the most reliable conclusion a physical examination of the wife or the husband, or of both, may be necessary.
Where no means have been used to prevent conception, and the young wife has remained childless for a period of three years, there is adequate ground for a reasonable fear that causes exist, either in the husband or in the wife, which are likely to result in permanent sterility, and then no time should be lost to discover and remove the cause or causes.
The earlier years of married life are usually more fruitful than the years later on. Even where marriage is contracted after twenty-five years of age, the tendency towards sterility is easily perceptible. Marriage, either at too early or too late a period, tends to barrenness. Upon the part of the female the years from eighteen to twenty-four are likely to be the best years for marriage and maternity. Sometimes there is barrenness for a period of years, and this is followed by a period of quite frequent childbearing.
Barrenness may frequently be remedied by the exercise of great care upon the part of both the husband and the wife in the matter of diet and proper physical exercise. Sometimes aperiod of separation, varying from a few weeks to several months, is necessary to effect such physical changes as are requisite to the desired result. Single beds and separate apartments are sometimes essential, not only in order to secure conception, but to protect the beginnings of life from such disturbing influences as tend to produce the abnormal ejection of the embryo from its place of retention and growth in the womb.