ExitTodd,leaning onMarietta,followed byJacopoandGrimbaldi,threatening,R.2E.
Re-enterMrs. Toddfrom door,L.3E.
Mrs. T. What a discovery I have made! Samuel, my husband, who I fondly fancied passed his nights watering his lonely pillow with his tears, and his days in writing elegies to the memory of a beloved wife, to have forgotten me so soon. Not three months a widower, and the unconscionable wretch has ideas of entering the marriage state again. I flattered myself my system of matrimonial discipline would have deterred him from a repetition of such folly. But some men are never to be taught. How he got into this house, I can’t imagine—but the object of his visit is apparent; he comes to make love to the Signor’s niece—a pastime that I shall take the liberty of interrupting.
Re-enterGrimbaldi,R.2E.
Grim. I can’t stand it any longer. Diavolo! I had a good mind (threatening with dagger) but Terreboli’s eye was upon me, and I durst not move a finger.
Mrs. T. (L.) You seem agitated—what has happened?
Grim. (R.gloomily) Oh, nothing! but—torture!—she is married!
Mrs. T. Who’s married?
Grim. She—she—Marietta—married—to—ten thousand fiends!
Exit in a state of desperation,R.3E.
Mrs. T. Married to ten thousand fiends! I wish I could find my little fiend—stop—stop—explain yourself.
Exit afterGrimbaldi,R.3E,
Re-enterTodd,leadingMariettafromR. D.2E.;he hands her across stage toL. D.2E.and she exits,slamming door in his face.
Todd. It’s all over! The desperate deed is done—I’m married—married—married! To be sure that’s an accident to which our weak sex is continually exposed; but, to be married to a lovely rattlesnake, and be in danger of my life from a ferocious rival—that’s horrible! (calling at door,L.2E.) Marietta! Perhaps she’ll relent now she’s my wife! If she only listens to me. Marietta! (tries door and finds it fastened) She’s fastened the door! (speaking through the keyhole) Marietta! my angel!
Re-enterMrs. Todd,R.3E.
Mrs. T. (R.,seesTodd) ’Tis he!
Todd. (speaking through keyhole,L.2E.) One word! one little word, from those sweet lips, (to himself) No answer? Put one of those brilliant eyes to the keyhole, and observe me (takes chair,and sits opposite door) kneeling on my knees before your door, and swearing never to quit this painful posture till you take pity on me.
Mrs. T. (coming down a littleR.,aside) Traitor!
Todd. ’Tis I—your adoring Toddini!
Mrs. T. (aside) Villain!
Todd. You know—you’re the only woman I ever loved!
Mrs. T. (shouting) Samuel!
Todd. (starting up,and retreating,L.) Gracious powers! that voice—you’re not?—
Mrs. T. I am.
Todd. My lost Laura?
Mrs. T. (R.) Your living wife!
Todd. (L.) Impossible! You know you’re dead—you’re thelateMrs. Todd—you’re a blest shade.
Mrs. T. (goes up to him and leads him down stage by the ear,then slaps his cheek) Will that convince you?
Todd. Material evidence! I’m wrong! That rap was not a spirit’s. Youaremy lamented Laura—to whose memory I ordered such a lovely monument to be erected in Kensal Green, that you’ll regret you’re not dead when you see it.
Mrs. T. (R.) Tell me directly, sir—to whom were you speaking?
Todd. (L.) Hush! She’s there. (pointing to door,L.2E.)
Mrs. T. Who?
Todd. Marietta.
Mrs. T. Marietta! Ha!—the girl! She was married this evening—to whom?—speak—to whom?
Todd. Forgive me, my beloved Laura.—How shall I tell you—how shall I shock your strict sense of propriety when you hear that your unfortunate Samuel—the husband of your bosom—and the father—I mean the prospective father of your children—is—is—look at me—much injured woman—and behold a perfect specimen of—of—a—
Mrs. T. Monster!
Todd. Monster’s the word! A man with two wives must be a monster; but I’m an innocent monster!
Mrs. T. Wretch! Was not one good one enough for you? Where is the creature? (attempting to cross toL. D.,is withheld byTodd)
Todd. Don’t—don’t. She’s a rattlesnake!
Enter at the same momentMariettafromL.2E.,andJacopofromR.2E.
Jaco. (R.) What’s the matter now?
Todd. (C.) Don’t ask particulars. Suffice to know that nature intended me for a bridegroom; but fate has made me a double-wived monster.
Mrs. T. (L. C.) The wretch speaks the truth—I am his lawful wife.
Jaco. How! And he has married my niece! (takes a pistol from his belt)
Todd. But I’m innocent—why don’t you speak, Mrs. Todd—you know I’m innocent, my love.
ABrigandenters hastily,R.2E.
Brig. (R.) Captain, the soldiers are approaching on all sides!
Jaco. (R.) Cospetto! Then we must fly; but first set fire to the house on all sides—they shall only find a heap of ashes when they come.
Todd. Come, my adored Laura. (he offers his arm toMrs. Todd,L. C.,who turns away scornfully)
Mrs. T. (crossing toR.) Good night—for ever!
Exit,R. D.2E.
Todd. (offering his arm toMarietta,L.) Come, Marietta.
Mariettaturns away angrily,and crossing,R.,exits,R. D.2E.
Ungrateful sex—after marrying them both! (takingJacopo’sarm,R.) Come, signor; let us fly together!
Jaco. (R.) No, you remain here.
Points pistol at him,and exits,R. D.2E.
Todd. Hold! You’re never going to roast me alive—to leave me to grill my own bones. Hollo! this is murder. Ho! Somebody! Help! Is there no way of escape? (runs to the several doors—opens them,and discovers fire in each) Hoh! Police! Police! Help! I’m beginning to singe already! Oh! if I had had the luck to be born a salamander! Oh! Hah! a thought—the rope ladder from the window—that way is open!
(goes towards window,whenGrimbaldiappears outside on the ladder,menacingToddwith his stiletto)
Ah! (staggers back)
Grim. I told you I would be revenged! I’ve kept my word! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Todd. Remorseless demon!
(Grimbaldidisappears,and flames appear at the back through window)
Todd. Oh! (drops into chair,C.) I shall be broiled alive! phew! I’m stifled! help! murder! (starts up again) Hoh! water! water! air! oh! two wives! two—too much—ooh! h—he—lp!
(the smoke appears to fill the room,and conceals him from the view of the audience;after a short interval the smoke clears gradually away;the Scene sinks,and changes to)
Todd’s Parlour in Cozy Cottage.—(Same as Scene I.)
Toddis discovered asleep,as at the close of the first scene;the candles which were then long,have burnt down in the sockets.
Todd. Call the police! call the fire brigade! help!help! murder!—two wives—Marietta—Mrs. Todd—murder—bigamy—
EnterMrs. Toddhastily, (dressed as in Scene I.)R.1E.
Mrs. T. Samuel, my dear, what’s the matter?
Todd. Murder! Cospetto! Maladetta!
Mrs. T. Why, Samuel, Samuel! (shaking him) You’re asleep—waken—will you—you’ve slept here all night.
Todd. (starts up and staggers about) Hoh! help—police—fire—water—she’s a rattlesnake—a fiend—a demon—a—Lau—Laura—
Mrs. T. (holding and shaking him) Todd—Todd—Samuel!
Todd. (becoming conscious and rubbing his eyes) Hoh! what? Bless me! where am I?
Mrs. T. (R.) Where should you be but in your own parlour?
Todd. (L.) My own parlour? And you are—
Mrs. T. Don’t you see—I’m your own Laura—your dear wife?
Todd. My wife! but where’s the other? Where’s my rattlesnake?
Mrs. T. Why, Sam, you’re not awake yet—you’re still dreaming. You would sit up last night over those papers, (goes to table,C.) and you’ve been smoking a filthy cigar.
Todd. An opium cigar! that’s it! Then I’m not a brigand with two wives! Laura, my love, come to the arms of your doting husband. (they embrace—door bell rings outside)
Mrs. T. There’s the policeman who was to ring the bell at five o’clock. You know we start at six.
Todd. Oh, yes, to be sure! I’ll be ready in five minutes. But first a word with our friends. (to audience) If I have been dreaming that you are pleased, pray don’t dispel so pleasant an illusion—but, with your usual good nature—give me a lucky omen for my dream to-night and to-morrow.—“What will they say at Brompton?”
Mrs. T.R.
Todd.L.
Curtain.
THOMAS SCOTT, PRINTER, WARWICK COURT, HOLBORN.