DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat of remaining in a fiery furnace without his family applying for the insurance.
DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist, lover, and poor politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but used too much slang. Later fell in love. The girl (see her) knew what journalists were, and refused to spoon. Exasperated, he began a bombardment of poetry. That settled it. D. then entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix with love and his business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished. Traveled in Italy in the interests of safety. Posed for his bust while suffering with a bad attack of dyspepsia. Publications: Poems, tragedies, and comedies (?). Ambition: To be Beatrice's Romeo. Recreation: Travel. Address: II via Dante, Florence. Seldom at home.
DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution.
DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the world that a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of the truly brave who did not receive a Carnegie advertisement.
DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered that many men looked like their progenitors, and proved his theories with the exception of one link. The clergymen claimed that a chain with one link missing was no chain, and that D. was a nature faker. Publications: Origin of Species, a valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the currency bill.
DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and rescued little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.)
DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion sling shot, and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army as a volunteer, and was awarded medals for his attack upon Goliath. Appointed musician to the royal household. Became friendly with the Prince of Wales and succeeded in doing him out of the coronation. Later was elected king. Fell in love with Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her husband a conspicuous position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol. Publications: Psalms. Recreation: Slinging. Address: Jerusalem.
DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a lifetime, usually toward the close. Patron of insurance companies. Nothing is known of his childhood. Historians claim he never had any. Possessed an ugly face; wore a sheet over his head, and always carried a scythe in his hands. Never brought happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to some one. Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter. Many doctors and scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he continues to be a safe bet at 100 to 1. Heir: None. Ambition: A happy home and prosperous graveyards. Recreation: Sharpening scythes. Address: Always hung out a black cloth wherever he resided.
DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also accompanied Samson on a number of European and American opera expeditions.
DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where the cost of living has ever been high. He introduced the French menu into the U. S. and with it considerable indigestion.
DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker.
DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in France.
DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator from the state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches, dedicated monuments; married a young wife, and was relegated to obscurity by the American voters.
DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more than her clothes.
DESLYS, G., a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract a royal press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary.
DEVIL, see Old Nic.
DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without which no cold day is complete.
DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed a Spanish armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a nation; had cigars named after him; appeared in Who's Who; was paraded through the streets; married a widow; moved to Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants, and got out of the newspapers.
DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds, and the chase without the conventionalities of a society hunt. Address: Ephesus.
DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who departed from the social functions of a king to assist the government. Legends prevail to the effect that he patterned his actions on a Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was requested to move. Ambition: A revolution with himself on top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty years in the White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me.
DICE, see Thomas and Harry.
DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the messenger boys and embryo criminals. His biography formed an important part in the lives of the boys who never visited the Carnegie libraries.
DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote.
DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier. Employed in H. R. H. service in India. Wore few clothes. Fought in many battles. Frequently gave bad water to soldiers. Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was shot while in the act. Saved the government the price of a medal. His pathetic story was widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the U. S. and Great Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the story. Ambition: To come back like Sherlock Holmes. Recreation: Sleep. Address: Care of biographer.
DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored to find something with a lantern which could not even be located with a searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern. Recreation: Cleaning globes. Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible.
DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to run England.
DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by persons who forged his name.
DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off their hats, shout, and whistle when he rode into town.
DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies.
DOWIE, alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed the world how easily some people were deprived of their money and religion.
DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public square named after him. D. also introduced the spud into Ireland.
DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and intended doing something to-day. Spent much time thinking about the best girl in the world. A great friend of Procrastinator. Went through life waiting for to-morrow. Several men, however, with the same name, have awakened and given their dreams to the world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth).
DREW, John, prehistoric American actor.
DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail by being one of the few innocent men who got into print.
DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good layer on.
DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an early age and never recovered, despite the services of specialists.
DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to open a charge account.
EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most expensive sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend, tourists. Address: Rochester and London. Clubs: Camera.
EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made millions by telling the world there was no such thing as the toothache, sea-sickness, or hitting your thumb with a hammer.
EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the exception of the sun dial, Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor.
EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who was wise enough to stop before he got too high.
EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When a young man he became a benedict, a condition in which he remained until well along in years. As fast as a queen appeared at the breakfast table with her hair down her back, she was dispatched to the block. A couple of queens got ahead of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces as Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later years he competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A harem. Recreation: Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address: Windsor.
ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece to the British Museum. Also had something to do with the interior of watches.
ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red). Later he went somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a chariot driver.
ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the boys. E. reigned when people did things. She was wooed and lost by an Armada (see Philip II). She finally walked over Raleigh's coat, and later wiped her feet on him. E. had a sister by the name of Mary, who was better looking, and less fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced into England. Other and less important events of her reign were: Shakespeare, Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir: She did not have any.
ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books.
EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town of Italy; a king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust his affairs to a brainier man, and was thus made famous (see Girabaldi).
EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers to conquer the world. Several have failed. Also advised the practical theory of hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived before the time of the taxi.
EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and that pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive hotels and eat only in high-class restaurants. Many suffer with the gout. A popular cat foot was named in his honor.
ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of breakfast food.
ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain of the book, married the hero, and lived happily ever afterward.
EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as far back as 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the shortest distance between two points is a crow's flight, and that two parallel lines always compete.
EVE, see Mrs. Adam.
EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich husband after the fashion of books.
FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did not fit his religion.
FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to ascertain whether the weather is warm or cold.
FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his younger days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have applied himself to school or business. Found fault with life and everybody, but was never wrong himself. Unpopular. A great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers, and the poor house. Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The other fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities. Clubs: None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really Tried.
FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French government for seven years. One of the most distinguished of the vast collection of ex-presidents now scattered over the world.
FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk.
FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron saint of French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores changing the cut of ladies' clothes and the shape of their hats. Created some awful looking things. F. made the poor men work very hard to keep up to her. Publications: Editor of all Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London, and New York City. Epitaph: (Would that she had one.)
FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love during his second young manhood, traveled in a warm country, and sang his way to fame.
FAWKES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in Parliament without introducing home rule or suffrage bills.
FINN, Huck, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom).
FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub the black spot from the ring.
FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing.
FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with the men. She appeared in all large cities with the best looking chorus that ever wore tights. F. created such a sensation that every living actress of note is willing to be classified as a former member of her company. Had a miserable cigar named after her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York City. Epitaph: There Were Not Many Like Flora.
FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty days for a big sale.
FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an unintelligent woman and one who never could understand. Followed his natural bents, even as you and I. Wasted several years. Wept profusely. End unknown. Recreation: Vampires. Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One.
FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with brains. He discovered that lightning was composed of electricity, that politics paid better than printing, and that the French Court was more lively than the Continental Congress.
FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics.
FRIEND, A., the scarcest thing on earth. A rare visitor, but he came around a few times in a lifetime. F. was glad to know of your success, pitied you in your failures, and shook you by the hand when you were down and out. Never borrowed money, but he frequently lent it. Was a wise counsellor. Very popular. His name was frequently given the baby (see Mischief). Ambition: The other fellow's welfare. Recreation: At the other fellow's house. Address: The other fellow's house or his own. Clubs: All.
FRITCHIE, Barbara, a Southern target. Sprang into poetry as the only woman in the history of mankind who admitted her old age.
FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a fortune for the Cunard and White Star lines.
GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as the agent for the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to move. Historians claim he will again be in Who's Who when St. Peter (see him) makes the inventory. Ambition: Larger lungs. Recreation: Aviation.
GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait manufacturer.
GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by declaring the world revolved when everybody knew it was stationary. Manufactured the first spy-glass, an instrument which has since been used in theatres and for various other purposes. Also discovered that clocks were equipped with pendulums.
GANGSTER, T. H. E., a politician known as a "progressive" when out of office.
GARDEN,(3) Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera stage. Legend has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a child. This was expensively cultivated in Europe, was later exposed before English and American congregations, and her Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes packed the houses. Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants a husband with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera houses and suppers. Residence: Principally Atlantic liners.
(3) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement.
GARIBALDI, G., the George Washington of Italy without the tea party. He espoused the cause of Victor Emmanuel (see Victor), and successfully Bismarcked the Italian States. Slept in every town in his country, ran second to V. E. in the number of statues erected to his appearance, and for three years held the championship for eating spaghetti.
GARRICK, an old English matinee idol.
GATLING, R. J., he was considered a big gun.
GAUL, Dying, a brave soldier who posed for his statue when mortally wounded.
GEORGE I, King of England, 1660-1727. Permitted the whigs in general, and one Walpole in particular, to run England.
GEORGE II, King of England, 1683-1760. Held a few wars.
GEORGE III, King of England, 1736-1820. Lived during the reign of William Pitt, and believed in taxing tea.
GEORGE IV, husband of Queen Mary (see front pages of our contemporary Who's Who).
GEORGE-LLOYD, Dave, a well-known cigar, English politician. Entered politics via a newspaper, clever speeches, and votes. Was a modest member of the House of Commons, seldom speaking more than four times on any bill. Kept climbing until he became under secretary of something, order keeper of the Board of Trade, and finally occupied a prominent position in the Exchequer. Assisted the Primer to grasp the Irish home rule millstone, and hung on without a gurgle. Ambition: A dynamite-proof house, a tax on air. Recreation: (see Asquith). Address: Front row House of Commons. Clubs: Anti-conservative.
GIBSON, Charles Dana, American artist who pleased the old inhabitants before the market was so wet.
GILLETTE, manufacturer of a well-known Christmas present which cuts barbers out of their tips, and is deucedly annoying to clean.
GIRL, The Chorus, Um!
GLADIATOR, Dying, another brave artists' model.
GLADSTONE, W. E., a grand old man who twice premiered England, chopped trees, and failed to make accurate measurements with the Irish home rule.
GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book which everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then re-reads it when the doors are locked. In the United States a law has been passed compelling booksellers to include a bottle of disinfectant whenever a G. book is sold. Ambition: A publisher who is not afraid of the police. Recreation: Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs: Always blackballed.
GOAT, T. H. E., the one who purchased this book.
GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited at the Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight.
GOETHE, a Dutchman who succeeded in making a few German words rhyme.
GOLIATH, ancient heavyweight champion, who was knocked out in one round by a lightweight. Defeat attributed to overconfidence. Friends said nothing like that had ever entered his head.
GOODWIN, Nathaniel, an American who was opposed to Mormonism, but who adopted it on a progressive and newspaper scale.
GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who told some awful untruths to the innocent.
GORDON, I. L., editor of Who Was Who. Probably the greatest writer who ever lived. Spent early childhood in infancy. At the age of fourteen began shaving and wearing long trousers. At twenty-one G. was considered of age. Began writing while a child. Penmanship so poor he took to the typewriter. Wrote Who Was Who with hope someone would purchase it. Some one did. Ambition: (He considers this personal and will not be quoted.) Recreation: Looking for publishers. Address: Paris when financially able. Other times in one of those confounded newspaper offices.
GORKY, M., a resident of Russia who became unpopular with the government and moved. He endeavored to make a lecture tour of the United States accompanied by another man's wife. Learned that this was not the usual custom in America. His managers and hotel proprietors requested him to continue his travels. Ambition: A czarless Russia; less fussy people. Publications: Much unpatriotic literature.
GRAY, the man who wrote a clever cemetery poem, the first line of which is remembered by everybody.
GREAT, Peter the, shipbuilder, and the only ruler of Russia who never was bombarded. Was also unique in the fact that he worked. Historians claim this was due to his poor salary.
GROAT, John, proprietor of a celebrated house located some distance from Land's End.
GUILLOTIN, Doctor, a French inventor of a popular method of decapitation, who had such confidence in his invention that he was the first to give it a practical demonstration.
GULLIVER, a Munchausen-Doctor Cook-Peary traveler who never submitted his proofs, but who found a credulous publisher and a gullible public. Never lectured.
HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating before he was abdicated.
HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy family.
HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and called it homeopathy.
HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark.
HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion promiser, and a sick man. When a youth he began instructing the monarchs of Europe in the use of a government. One of his favorite pastimes was reading ultimatums. Fearless until a warship entered the harbor, and even then usually got rid of it with promises. Employed massacres to break the monotony of reigning. Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk cushions. Some of H.'s younger subjects though he should be ostlerized (see Dr. Ostler). They gave him his harem and salary, and locked him up in a palace. Then the wise ones lost Tripoli and about everything but sleeping room in Europe. Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on the job. Recreations: Private entertainments. Address: Harem. Epitaph: Everybody Worked But Father.
HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also founded the foolish questions.
HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high prices, and buildings upon certain communities.
HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote a few other airs.
HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.)
HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American university near the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., where football players and the sons of American millionaires eke out an education.
HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his patients had blood which circulated. The discovery has since been of some profit to his successors.
HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his name. Sold American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other varieties to the world.
HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches (also see Napoleon).
HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful, and exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It is said the poem has been parodized.
HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty or death. From all that can be ascertained he secured the latter.
HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic games and laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which are even questioned by the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed about everybody, erected two pillars, stole some apples, and, in short, did everything but enter politics or invent a breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor. Recreation: Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs: Athletic. Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen.
HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to death simply for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a great American poet used bad taste in writing the biography of such a man.
HICHENS,(4) Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah. Experimented with belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and multitudes of readers hope he will remain there for some time to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation: Filling his fountain pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the Publisher. Home: Sicily.
(4) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day, and is compelled to make the biography flattering.
HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a celebrated rain storm.
HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and went to Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was heard by great crowds. Produced statistics to show how few saloons failed after a lecture.
HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured inexpensive literature and theatres. This fired his mind to eliminate Scotland Yard as a crime-detecting agency. Entered the profession of a detective, but was unknown until Doctor Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was then made. All the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he only told what he knew about society—! H. solved the most complicated mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle, and was only baffled in locating the murderer of Cock Robin. His name struck terror into the hearts of criminals and competing publishers. After all the criminals in England had been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the great H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in time to see his murderer knighted. Now at work on the suffragette case. Ambition: Another Dr. Watson. Recreation: Fond of Doyle's works and the violin. Address: 31 Baker Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph: Au Revoir, But.
HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began career as a reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for incompetence, and took up honest writing. Found a publisher who thought his writings would sell to posterity. Later H. took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war correspondent for the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy. Ambition: Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth Estate.
HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a wolf which had previously partaken of a relative.
HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the rich and gave to the poor, and made crackerjack material for stories.
HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for Harvey's discovery.
HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near relation of Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and gave her name to the world. She was the first woman to manufacture ideals, and has been made the patron saint of the suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went about making life worth while. She was loved by all those millions of lovers and all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do things. Ambition: The discouraged. Recreation: Success. Address: Perhaps she has resided in your home.
HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who sang and drank of the Falernian wine.
HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the Tiber without getting stuck in the mud.
HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever lived. Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his picture and ran long articles about his life, family, eccentricities, etc. Won fame in war, science, pulpit, aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature, finance, by saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful women. Made addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He was the man everyone wanted to shake by the hand so they could tell other people they had done it. Ambition: Another hour. Recreation: Basking. Address: All countries. Clubs: All open.
HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ extra telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He also was responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation."
HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large cities, showed his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the villain, packed up, and moved to the next town.
HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened newspapers. Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only controlling a few newspapers. He soon purchased others. His magical touch changed their color. Employed the greatest staff of imaginary geniuses ever gathered together. These men had the ability to write unhampered by mere details or facts. H. also employed many good lawyers and used them frequently. Fortified by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything. Was always Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan. Recreation: Reading yellow journals. Address: All large American cities. Epitaph: The Vote Is Mightier Than The Pen.
HYDE, Mr. (See Dr. Jekyll.)
IBYCUS, a Grecian poet who improved poetry by permitting words to rhyme at the ends of the lines.
ICARUS, father of aviation. Record holder for the first tumble. Selected water as the spot for his fall, and was not picked up with the debris. Ambition: A Wright machine. Recreation: Tuning up. Address: Greece. Clubs: Aero.
IEKATERINOGRADSK, of Russia. Little is known of his life except that he built a celebrated fort to protect the poor Cossacks from the molestations of the populace. Was probably blown up or died in prison.
INGERSOLL, first man to bring the price of turnips to within the reach of authors and artists. Historians claim he would have made another fortune had he lived when the sun-dial trust had its own way.
INGERSOLL, Robt. G., one of those contented souls who did not believe in anything, and made a fortune by telling people what he believed.
INNOCENT, thirteen popes. Address: Rome.
IRVING, Washington, a pleasing American writer who visited Westminster Abbey, made Rip Van Winkle wake up, and wrote a few biographies.
ISAAC (last name unknown), s. Abraham and Sarah.(5) Spent his childhood like all little Isaacs and later married Rebecca, claimed by historians to have been a Jewess. Had two famous sons, Esau and Jake (see both, but especially the latter). Died at the tender age of 180 years.
(5) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for a seeming familiarity He did his best to ascertain the lady's last name, but failed.
ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her clothes until the Moors were driven from the country. Her husband, the king, raised an army and accomplished the feat. I.'s name is sometimes connected with the discovery of America. This, however, is an error, as Columbus took a more active part.
ISAIAH, a prophet who wore second-hand clothing.
ISHMAEL, son of Abraham, whose appearance complicated his father's estate. Traveled extensively in the desert with his mother.
JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water carrier. Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in the valley. (See Jill.)
JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother of Esau. Was mother's pet. Became proficient as a character impersonator, but never went on the stage. Left home suddenly. Slept on a stone and had hard dreams. Later married, and was responsible for Joseph and his brethren. (See Joe.)
JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm.
JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and appeared in paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy, the author, and the publisher.
JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be elected king of England.
JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage.
JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark.
JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory.
JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his gloves and bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.)
JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own medicine.
JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the face of the earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of such men as Eugene Sue and Lew Wallace.
JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the accident occurred.
JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like all rich men, he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and entered the market. Formed the camel trust and cornered the real estate market. The market tumbled and so did J. Family troubles also distressed him. His camels died of the colic or were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard luck he patronized the temple, and believed while there was money it could be had. Started in business again with a small capital, remarried, and ended his days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the New York Stock market; death to his comforters. Recreation: Sackcloth and ashes.
JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion prize-fighter of the world, who learned that too much chicken, automobile, and champagne made even a colored gentleman a "waser."
JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the greatest press agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made famous. Also wrote.
JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for taking a rough trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he was the jonah. Swam until he was tired, and finally made a morsel for a fish. Tradition has it that J. was tough and indigestible. He remained three days and three nights in the interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable annoyance when he exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam ashore, and thanked his lucky stars for his indigestibility and the illness of his rescuer. His story was published. Still causes some comment. Tradition also says that J. never could look a fish in the face after the harrowing incident. Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing. Address: Sodom. Clubs: Alpine.
JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor.
JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture post-card.
JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and was only prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of the place.
JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a young man he became his father's favorite, while his brethren had to do the heavy work. Wore a loud coat. This aroused the ire of his brethren, resulting in Joe being sold as a slave, and in the coat being sent to the cleaners. J. journeyed to Egypt, where he refused to elope with the Pharaohess. Her husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in prison, and afterward made him the royal butler. Years passed. A famine occurred in Judea. Joe's brethren came down to Egypt to lay in provisions. There they were confronted by the coatless Joe, who thanked them for the good luck they had thrust upon him.
JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who carried a heart which was broken by the ambitions of a man.
JUDAS, suicide.
JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her first name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of her husband, although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on the puppet stage for a few hundred years, displaying her domestic infelicity.
JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make love on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, and had a splendid sale. (See Romeo.)
JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and a regular Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation: Killing giants, disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address: Olympia.
JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been frequently erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States J. carried scales with a small statue of politics in one pan, and money in the other. Her statues in other countries are said to be different, although occasionally the little statues are found in the pans.
KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends; a German of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe, considerable comment in England, and much applause in his own country. Was also a naval constructor. Born of royal parents. Inherited his father's position. At a tender age he formed a passion for an army. Like all royal children, he had his own way. His plaything has grown steadily, is in fine condition, but is only used for parading and scaring purposes. His later years were spent in making additions to the fleet, but for what purpose even the wisest sages could not guess. K. was also honored by a visit from T. Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his exhibition through Europe. It is said he could not learn anything from his adviser. Heir: The crown prince. Ambition: His army applied to the socialists. Recreation: Army. Address: Army. Clubs: Army.
KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely on account of the invention which prevented men from going home to a scolding without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared his cure was as good as gold. Was strongly opposed by John Barleycorn and his friends. Never cared for New York, London, or Paris. K.'s end never has been made public. Historians are endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced what he preached. Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away from business. Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U.
KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and heartfelt commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More grapes. Recreation: A flask, books, and a Persian "thou." Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What He Preached.
KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure which several people have been sure they could locate. Was said to have been one of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship.
KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and accomplishments.
KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted.
KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the kirk into Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate.
KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made England scrub up.
KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell concert.