Chapter 4

Enter the threeRuffians,not perceivingRover.

3d Ruff.Ay, here's the honest fellow has brought us some cash.

[Looking atSir George.

2d Ruff.We're betrayed, it's the very gentleman, that's in pursuit of us, and this promise was only a decoy to throw us into his power—The pistol!

[Apart, and pointing to it.Sir Georgeramming the charge.[2dRuffianseizes and wrenches the piece fromSir George.

Sir Geor.Ah, boys!

2d Ruff.You'd have our lives, now we'll have yours.

[Presents the piece atSir George; Roveradvancesquick, and knocks it out of his hand.

[They run off.

Rover.Rascals![Pursues them.

Sir Geor.[Takes up the other piece.] My brave lad! I'll—[Going.

EnterJohn Dory.

John.No, you shan't.[Holding him.

Sir Geor.The rogues will—

John.Never mind the rogues—

[Noise of fighting without, a piece let off.

Sir Geor.S'blood! Must I see my preserver perish.[Struggling.

John.Well, I know I'm your preserver, and I will perish, but I'll bring you out of harm's way.

[Still holding him.

Sir Geor.Though he'd fight me himself—

John.Sure we all know you'd fight the devil.

Sir Geor.He saved my life.

John.I'll save your life [Whips him up in his arms.] So hey! haul up, my noble little crab walk![Exit.

A Room inBanks'sCottage.EnterFarmer Gammon, Banks,andSim.—Simwriting, and crying.

F. Gam.Boy, go on with the inventory.

Sim.How unlucky! Feyther to lay hold of me when I wanted to practise my part.[Aside.

Banks.This proceeding is very severe, to lay an execution on my wretched trifling goods when I thought—

F. Gam.Ay, you know you've gone up to the big house with your complaint—her ladyship's steward, to be sure, has made me give back your cottage and farm; but your goods I seize for my rent.

Banks.Only leave me a very few necessaries—by the goodness of my neighbours, I may soon redeem what the law has put into your hands.

F. Gam.The affair is now in my lawyer's hands, and plaintiff and defendant chattering about it, is all smoke.

Sim.Feyther, don't be so cruel to Mr. Banks.

F. Gam.I'll mark what I may want to keep for myself. Stay here, and see that not a pin's worth be removed without my knowledge. [ToSim.][Exit.

Sim.I'll be domm'd if I'll be your watch dog, to bite the poor, that I won't. Mr. Banks, as feyther intends to put up your goods at auction, if you could but get a friend to buy the choice of them for you again. Sister Jane has got steward to advance her a quarter's wages, and when I've gone to sell corn for feyther, besides presents, I've made a market penny now and then. Here—it's not much! but every little helps.

[Takes out a small leather purse, and offers it toBanks.

Banks.I thank you, my good natured boy; but keep your money.

Sim.Last summer, you saved me from being drowned in black pool, if you'll not take this, ecod, in there I'll directly fling it, and let old nick save it from being drowned, an'he can.[Going.

Banks.My kind lad, then I'll not hurt your feeling, by opposing your liberality.

[Takes it.

Sim.He, he, he! you've now given my heart such a pleasure as I never felt, nor I'm sure feyther afore me.

Banks.But, Sim, whatever may be his opinion of worldly prudence, still remember he's your parent.

Sim.I will—"One elbow chair, one claw table."

[Exit, writing, andBanks.

EnterAmelia.

Amelia.The confusion into which Lady Amaranth's family is thrown by the sudden departure, and apprehended danger of her young cousin, must have prevented her ladyship from giving that attention to our affairs, that I'm sure was her inclination. If I can but prevail on my brother too, to accept her protection—I can't enjoy the delights of her ladyship's hospitable mansion, and leave him here still subject to the insults of his churlish neighbour—Heavens! who's this?[Retires.

EnterRoverhastily, his hair and dress muchdisordered.

Rover.What a race [Panting.] I've at last got from the blood hounds! Ah, if old Abrawang had but followed and backed me, we'd have tickled their catastrophes; but when they got me alone, three upon me were odds, so, safe's the word—who's house is this I've dash'd into?—Eh! the friendly cottage of my old gentleman! Are you at home? [Calls.] Gadso! I had a hard struggle for it; yes, murder was their intent, so it was well for me that I was born without brains, I'm quite weak, faint! [Leans against the wall.]

Amelia.[Advancing.] Sir, an't you well? [With concern.]

Rover.Madam, I ask pardon,—hem, yes, ma'am, very well, I thank you—now exceeding well—got into a fray there, in a kind of a hobble with some worthy gentlemen; only simple, honest farmers. I fancy mistook me for a sheaf of barley, for they down with me, and then thresh'd so heartily, gad, their flails flew merrily about my ears, but I up, and when I could no longer fight like a mastiff, why, I—run like a greyhound—But, dear ma'am, pray excuse me. Egad, this is very rude, faith.

Amelia.You seem disturbed, [With emotion.] will you take any refreshment?

Rover.Madam, you're very good.—Only a little of your currant wine, if you please; if I don't forget, it stands—just—[Points—Ameliabrings some from a beaufet.] Madam, I've the honour of drinking your health. [Drinks.]

Amelia.I hope you're not hurt, sir.

Rover."A little better, but very weak still"—I had a sample of this before, and liked it so much, that, madam—"Won't you take another?"

Amelia.Sir!

Rover.Madam, if you'd been fighting, as I have, you'd—well, well, [Fills and drinks.] now I'm as well as any man—"In Illyria," got a few hard knocks though.

Amelia.You'd better repose a little, you seem'd much disorder'd coming in.

Rover.[Places a chair, and both sit.] Why, ma'am, you must know thus it was—

EnterSheriff's Officer.

Off.Come, ma'am, Mr. Gammon says this chair is wanted to make up the half dozen above. [Lays hold ofAmelia'schair, she rises terrified.]

Rover.What, what's all this?

Off.Why the furniture's seized on execution, and a man must do his duty.

Rover.Then, scoundrel, know, that a man's first duty is civility and tenderness to a woman.

Amelia.Heavens! where's my brother? This gentleman will bring himself into trouble.

Off.Master, d'ye see, I'm representative for his honour the High Sheriff.

Rover.Every High Sheriff should be a gentleman, and when he's represented by a rascal, he's dishonour'd.—Dem it, I might as well live about Covent Garden, and every night get beating the watch; for here, among groves and meadows, I'm always squabbling with constables. [Whips up a stick from a corner of the room, and holds it behind him.]

Off.Come, come, I must—

Rover."As you say, sir, last Wednesday, so it was"—Sir, your most obedient, humble servant— [Bows respectfully.] Pray, sir, may I take the liberty to know, have you ever been astonished? [With great ceremony.]

Off.What?

Rover.Because, sir, I intend to astonish you; my dear fellow, give me your hand. [Takes his hand, and beats him—] Now, sir, you are astonished?

Off.Yes; but see if I don't suit you with an action.

Rover."Right, suit the action to the word, the word to the action;" "See if the gentlewoman be not affrighted"—"Michael, I'll make thee an example."

Off.Yes, fine example, when goods are seized here by the law, and—

Rover."Thou worm and maggot of the law!" "Hop me over every kennel, or you shall hop without my custom."

Off.I don't value your custom.

Rover.You are astonished, now I'll amaze you.

Off.No, sir, I won't be amazed—but only see if I don't—

Rover.Hop!

[ExitOfficermuttering and bullying, yet frightened.

Stop, ma'am, these sort of gentry are monstrous bad company for a lady—So I'll just see him to the door, and then I'll see him outside the door.—Ma'am, I'm your most obedient humble servant. [Bows respectfully, and exit hastily.]

Amelia.I feel a strange curiosity to know who this young gentleman is. I find my heart interested, I can't account for—he must have known the house by the freedom—but then his gaiety, (without familiar rudeness) native elegance of manners, and good breeding, seem to make him at home any where.—My brother, I think, must know—

EnterBankshastily, and agitated.

Banks.Amelia, did you see the young gentleman that was here? Some ruffian fellows, and a posse of the country people have bound and dragged him from the door, on the allegation of three men, who mean to swear he has robbed them; and they have taken him to Lady Amaranth's.

Amelia.How! He did enter here in confusion as if pursued; but I'll stake my life on his innocence. I'll speak to Lady Amaranth, and in spite of calumny, he shall have justice—he would not let me be insulted, because he saw me an unprotected woman, without a husband or a son, and shall he want an advocate? Brother, come.[Exeunt.

Lady Amaranth's.EnterJane,with a light.

Jane.I believe there's not a soul in the house but myself; my lady has sent all the folks round the country to search after the young 'squire, she'll certainly break her heart if any thing happens to him; I don't wonder, for surely he's a dear, sweet gentleman: the pity of it is, his going spoils all our fine play, and I had just got my part quite by heart; however, I must do the room up for Mr. Banks's sister, that my lady has invited here.

[Adjusts her toilet.

EnterEphraim Smooth.

Eph.The man John Dory has carried the man George hither in his arms, and has locked him up. Coming into the house, they did look to me like a blue lobster with a shrimp in his claws—Oh, here is the damsel I love, and alone.

Jane.They say when folks look in the glass, at night, they see the black gentleman.

[As she is looking in a glass,Ephraimgoes andpeeps over her shoulders; she screams.

Eph.Thou art employed in vanity.

Jane.Well, who wants you?

Eph.It is natural for woman to love man.

Jane.Yes; but not such ugly men as you are. Why would you come in to frighten me, when you know there's nobody here but ourselves.

Eph.I am glad of that. I am the elm and thou the honey suckle; let thy arms entwine me.

Jane.Oh, what a rogue is here! but yonder comes my lady, and I'll show him off to her in his true colours.[Aside.

Eph.Clasp me around.

Jane.Well, I will, if you'll take off your hat, and make me a fine low bow.

Eph.I cannot bend my knee, nor take off my beaver.

Jane.Then you're very impudent—go along.

Eph.But to win thy favour.

[Takes off his hat, and bows.

Jane.Now kneel down to me.

Eph.I cannot, but one lovely smile may smile me down.

[She smiles, he kneels.

Jane.Well, now, read me a speech out of that fine play-book.

Eph.I read a play! a-bo-mi-na-ti-on!—But, Jane, wilt thou kiss me?

Jane.I kiss a man! a-bo-mi-na-ti-on! [Mimicking.] but you may take my hand—

Eph.Oh! 'tis a comfort to the lip of the faithful.

[Kisses her hand.

Lady Amaranth discovers EphraimClick toENLARGElady amaranth. —ah, thou sly and deceitful hypocrite!

EnterLady Amaranth.

Lady Am.How! [Taps him gently on the shoulder, he looks up confounded.] Ah, thou sly and deceitful hypocrite!

Eph.Verily, Mary, I was buffetted by Satan, in the shape of a damsel.

Lady Am.Begone!

Eph.My spirit is sad, though my feet move so nimble.

[Exit very slow.

Lady Am.But, Oh, Heavens, no tidings of my dearest Henry! Jane, let them renew their search.

Jane.Here's Madam Amelia, you see I've got her room ready; but I'll go make brother Sim look for the young 'squire.[Exit.

EnterAmelia.

Amelia.Oh, madam, might I implore your influence with—

Lady Am.Thou art ill accommodated here; but I hope thou wilt excuse—My mind is a sea of trouble, my peace shipwrecked—Oh, friend, hadst thou seen my cousin Harry, thou too, all who knew him, must be anxious for his safety.

John.[Without.] Heave a-head.

Enters withSir George.

Sir Geo.Rascal! whip me up like a pound of tea, dance me about like a young bear, make me quit the preserver of my life! yes, puppy unknown will think me a poltroon, and that I was afraid to follow, and second him.

John.Well, you may as well turn into your hammock; for out to-night you shall not budge—[Sees Amelia.] Oh! marcy of Heaven! isn't it—Eh, master? Only give one look.

Amelia.[SeeingSir George.] My husband!

[Swoons;Lady Amaranthsupports her.

Sir Geo.'Tis my Amelia!

John.[StoppingSir George,and looking attentively atAmelia.] Reef the foresail! first, you cracked her heart by sheering off, and now you'll overset her by bringing to.

Lady Am.Hold—soft!

Amelia.Are you at length returned to me, my Seymour?

Lady Am.Seymour! her mind is disturbed, this is mine uncle, Sir George Thunder.

John.No, no, my lady, she knows what she's saying very well.

Sir Geo.Niece, I have been a villain to this lady, I confess. But, my dear Amelia, Providence has done you justice in part. From the first month I quitted you, I have never entered one happy hour on my journal; hearing that you foundered, and considering myself the cause, the worm of remorse has gnawed my timbers.

Amelia.You're not still offended with me?

Sir Geo.Me! can you forgive my offence, and condescend to take my hand as an atonement?

Amelia.Your hand! Do you forget that we are already married?

Sir Geo.Ay, there was my rascality.

John.You may say that.

Sir Geo.Hold your tongue, you impudent crimp, you pander, you bad adviser—I'll strike my false colours—I'll now acknowledge the chaplain you provided was—

John.Was a good man, and a greater honour to his black, than your honour has been to your blue cloth—Eh, by the word of a seaman, here he is himself.

EnterBanks.

Sir Geo.Your brother!

Banks.Captain Seymour! have I found you, sir?

Sir Geo.My dear Banks, I'll make every reparation.—Amelia shall really be my wife.

Banks.That, sir, my sister is already; for when I performed the marriage ceremony, which you took only as the cloak of your deception, I was actually in orders.

John.Now, who's the crimp, and the pander? I never told you this since; because I thought a man's own reflections were the best punishment for betraying an innocent woman.

Lady Am.Madam, my inmost soul partaketh of thy gladness, and joy for thy reformation. [ToSir George.] But thy prior marriage to this lady, annuls the subsequent, and my cousin Harry is not now thy heir.

Sir Geo.So much the better; he's an unnatural cub; but, Amelia, I flatter myself I have an heir, my infant boy.—

Amelia.Ah, husband, you had; but—

Sir Geo.Gone! well, well, I see I have been a miserable scoundrel—Eh, I will, yes, I'll adopt that brave kind lad, that wou'dn't let any body kill me but himself. He shall have my estate, that's my own acquisition—My lady, marry him, puppy unknown's a fine fellow! Amelia, only for him, you'd never have found your husband Captain Seymour in Sir George Thunder.

Amelia.What?

Banks.Are you Sir George Thunder?

EnterLandlord,followed byEphraim.

Land.Please you, madam, they've got a footpad in custody.

Eph.I am come to sit in judgment, for there is a bad man in thy house, Mary. Bring him before me.

Sir Geo.Before you, old squintabus? And perhaps you don't know I'm a magistrate?

Eph.I'll examine him.

Sir Geo.You be damn'd—I'll examine him myself, [ShovesEphraim.] Tow him in here. I'll give him a passport to Winchester bilboes.

Amelia.[Kneels toSir George.] Oh, sir, as you hope for mercy, extend it to this youth; but even should he be guilty, which, from our knowledge of his benevolent and noble nature, I think next to an impossibility, let the services he has rendered to us—he protected, relieved your forsaken wife, and her unhappy brother, in the hour of want and sorrow.

Sir Geo.What, Amelia, plead for a robber! Consider, my love, justice is above bias or partiality. If my son violated the laws of his country, I'd deliver him up a public victim to disgrace and punishment.

Lady Am.Oh, my impartial uncle! Had thy country any laws to punish him, who instead of paltry gold, would rob the artless virgin of her dearest treasure, in the rigid judge I should now behold the trembling criminal.

EnterTwitch,withRoverbound, who keeps his faceaverted, and TwoRuffians.

Eph.[Advances.] Speak thou.

Sir Geo.Hold thy clapper thou—Who are the prosecutors?

Eph.Call in—

Sir Geo.Will nobody stop his mouth? [John Dorypushes him up against the wall.] Where are the prosecutors?

Twitch.There, tell his worship, the justice.

2d Ruffian.A justice—Oh! the devil! I thought we should have nothing but quakers to deal with. [Aside.] Why, your honour, I'll swear—

[In a feigned country voice.

Sir Geo.[Looking at them.] Oh, ho! Clap down the hatches, secure these sharks.

Rover.I thought I should find you here, Abrawang, and that you had some knowledge of these fellows.

Lady Am.Heavens! my cousin Harry—[Aside.]

Sir Geo.The devil! isn't this my spear and shield?

John.[Advances.] My young master—Oh! what have you been at here? [UnbindsRover.]

EnterHarry.

Harry.My dear fellow, are you safe.

Rover.Yes, Dick, I was brought in here very safe, I assure you.

Harry.A confederate in custody below has made a confession of their villainy, that they concerted this plan to accuse him of a robbery; first for revenge, then, in hope to share the reward for apprehending him: he also owns they are not sailors, but depredators on the public.

Sir Geo.Keep them safe in limbo. [Ruffians taken off.]—Not knowing that the justice of peace, whom they've brought the lad now here before, is the very man they attacked, ha, ha, ha! The rogues have fallen into their own snare.

Rover.What, now, you're a justice of peace; well said, Abrawang!

Amelia.Then, Sir George, you know him too?

Sir Geo.Know puppy unknown! to be sure.

Rover.Madam, I am happy to see you again. [ToAmelia.]—Ah, how do you do, my kind host?

[Shakes hands withBanks.

Lady Am.I rejoice at thy safety—Be reconciled to him. [ToSir George.]

Sir Geo.Reconciled!—If I don't love, respect, and honour him, I should be unworthy of the life he rescued. But who is he?

Harry.Sir, he is—

Rover.Dick, I thank you for your good wishes; but I am still determined not to impose on this lady—Madam, as I at first told this well meaning tar, when he forced me to your house, I am not the son of Sir George Thunder.

John.No! Then I wish you were the son of an admiral, and I your father.

Harry.You refuse the lady? To punish you, I've a mind to take her myself.—My dear cousin—

Rover.Stop, Dick.—If I, who adore her, won't, you shall not. No, no; madam, never mind what this fellow says, he's as poor as myself—Isn't he, Abrawang.

Harry.Then, my dear Rover, since you are so obstinately disinterested, I'll no longer teize my father, whom you here see, and in your strolling friend, his very truant Harry, that ran from Portsmouth school, and joined you and fellow comedians.

Rover.Indeed!

Harry.Dear cousin, forgive me, if, through my zeal for the happiness of my friend, I endeavoured to promote yours, by giving you a husband more worthy than myself. [ToLady Amaranth.]

Rover.Am I to believe! Madam, is your uncle, Sir George Thunder, in this room?

Lady Am.He is.—[Looking atSir George.]

Rover.'Tis so! You, in reality, what I've had the impudence to assume! and have perplexed your father with my ridiculous effrontery.—[Turns toJohn Dory,angry.] I told you, I insisted I wasn't the person you took me for, but you must bring your damned chariot! I am ashamed and mortified. Madam, I beg to take my leave.

Eph.Thou art welcome to go.

Rover.[Bows.] Sir George, as the father of my friend, I cannot lift my hand against you; but I hope, sir, you'll apologize to me.[Apart.

Sir Geo.Ay, with pleasure, my noble splinter—now tell me from what dock you were launched, my heart of oak?

Rover.I've heard, in England, sir; but from my earliest knowledge, till within a very few years, I've been in the East Indies.

Sir Geo.Beyond seas? Well, and how?

Rover.It seems I was committed an infant to the care of a lady, who was herself obliged by thegentleHyder Ally, to strike her toilet, and decamp without beat of drum, leaving me a chubby little fellow squatted on a carpet. A serjeant's wife alone returned, and snatched me off triumphant, through fire, smoke, cannon, cries, and carnage.

Lady Am.Dost thou mark? [ToAmelia.]

Amelia.Sir, can you recollect the name of the town, where—

Rover.Yes, ma'am, the town was Negapatnam.

Amelia.I thank you, sir.

[Gazes with delight and earnestness onRover.

Rover.An officer, who'd much rather act Hotspur on the stage, than in the field, brought me up behind the scenes at the Calcutta theatre—I was rolled on the boards, acted myself into the favour of a colonel,—promised a pair of colours; but, impatient to find my parents, hid myself in the steerage of an homeward bound ship; assumed the name of Rover, from the uncertainty of my fate, and, having murdered more poets than Rajahs, stept on English ground, unincumbered with rupees or pagodas. Ha, ha! Wou'dst thou come home so, little Ephraim?

Eph.I would bring myself home with some money.

Amelia.Excuse my curiosity, sir; what was the lady's name in whose care you were left?

Rover.Oh, ma'am, she was the lady of a Major Linstock: but I heard my mother's name was Seymour.

Sir Geo.Why, Amelia!

Amelia.My son!

Rover.Madam!

Amelia.It is my Charles![Embraces him.

Sir Geo.Eh!

John.[Sings and capers, clapsEphraimon the shoulders.] Tol, lol, lol, though I never heard it before, my heart told me he was a chip of the old block.

Amelia.Your father!—

[ToRover,pointing toSir George.

Rover.Can it?—Heaven! then have I attempted to raise my impious hand against a parent's life!

Sir Geo.My dear brave boy! Then have I a son with spirit to fight me as a stranger, yet defend me as a father.

Lady Am.[Takes him by the hand.] Uncle, you'll recollect 'twas I, who first introduced a son to thee.

Sir Geo.And I hope you will next introduce a grandson to me, young slyboots. Harry, you've lost your fortune.

Harry.Yes, sir, but I've gained a brother, whose friendship (before I knew him to be such,) I prized above the first fortune in England.

Rover.My generous friend—My dearest Rosalind!

Amelia.Then, will you take our Charles? [ToL. Amaranth.]

Lady Am.Yea; but only on condition thou bestowest thy fortune on his friend and brother, mine is sufficient for us, is it not?

Rover.Angelic creature!—to think of my generous friend—But now for "As you like it." Where's Lamp and Trap—I shall ever love a play—a spark from Shakspeare's Muse of Fire, was the star that guided me through my desolate and bewildered maze of life, and brought me to these unexpected blessings.

To merit friends so good, so sweet a wife,The Tender Husband be my part for life;My Wild Oats sown, let candid Thespian lawsDecree that glorious harvest,—your applause.

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE

The illustration has been moved to the appropriate place in the text.Contemporary spellings have been retained, even where inconsistent. In a very few instances, missing punctuation has been added.Two corrections have been made and can be identified in the body of the text by a grey dotted underline:

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