Spark.Pshaw! what pleasure canst thou have with women now, Harry?
Horn.My eyes are not gone; I love a good prospect yet, and will not dine with you unless she does too; go fetch her, therefore, but do not tell her husband 'tis for my sake.
Spark.Well, I'll go try what I can do; in the meantime, come away to my aunt's lodging, 'tis in the way to Pinchwife's.
Horn.The poor woman has called for aid, and stretched forth her hand, doctor; I cannot but help her over the pale out of the briars. [Exeunt.
Mrs.Pinchwifealone, leaning on her elbow.—A table, pen, ink and paper.
Mrs. Pinch.Well, 'tis e'en so, I have got the London disease they call love; I am sick of my husband, and for my gallant. I have heard this distemper called a fever, but methinks 'tis like an ague; for when I think of my husband, I tremble, and am in a cold sweat, and have inclinations to vomit; but when I think of my gallant, dear Mr. Horner, my hot fit comes, and I am all in a fever indeed; and, as in other fevers, my own chamber is tedious to me, and I would fain be removed to his, and then methinks I should be well. Ah, poor Mr. Horner! Well, I cannot, will not stay here; therefore I'll make an end of my letter to him, which shall be a finer letter than my last, because I have studied it like anything. Oh sick, sick! [Takes the pen and writes.
EnterPinchwife,who seeing her writing, steals softly behind her and looking over her shoulder, snatches the paper from her.
Pinch.What, writing more letters?
Mrs. Pinch.O Lord, bud, why d'ye fright me so? [She offers to run out; he stops her, and reads.
Pinch.How's this? nay, you shall not stir, madam:—"Dear, dear, dear Mr. Horner"—very well—I have taught you to write letters to good purpose—but let us see't. "First, I am to beg your pardon for my boldness in writing to you, which I'd have you to know I would not have done, had not you said first you loved me so extremely, which if you do, you will never suffer me to lie in the arms of another man whom I loathe, nauseate, and detest."—Now you can write these filthy words. But what follows?—"Therefore, I hope you will speedily find some way to free me from this unfortunate match, which was never, I assure you, of my choice, but I'm afraid 'tis already too far gone; however, if you love me, as I do you, you will try what you can do; but you must help me away before to-morrow, or else, alas! I shall be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our—our—" what is to follow "our"?—speak, what—our journey into the country I suppose—Oh woman, damned woman! and Love, damned Love, their old tempter! for this is one of his miracles; in a moment he can make those blind that could see, and those see that were blind, those dumb that could speak, and those prattle who were dumb before; nay, what is more than all, make these dough-baked, senseless, indocile animals, women, too hard for us their politic lords and rulers, in a moment. But make an end of your letter, and then I'll make an end of you thus, and all my plagues together. [Draws his sword.
Mrs. Pinch.O Lord, O Lord, you are such a passionate man, bud!
EnterSparkish.
Spark.How now, what's here to do?
Pinch.This fool here now!
Spark.What! drawn upon your wife? You should never do that, but at night in the dark, when you can'thurt her. This is my sister-in-law, is it not? ay, faith, e'en our country Margery; [Pulls aside her handkerchief] one may know her. Come, she and you must go dine with me; dinner's ready, come. But where's my wife? is she not come home yet? where is she?
Pinch.Making you a cuckold; 'tis that they all do, as soon as they can.
Spark.What, the wedding-day? no, a wife that designs to make a cully of her husband will be sure to let him win the first stake of love, by the world. But come, they stay dinner for us: come, I'll lead down our Margery.
Pinch.No—sir, go, we'll follow you.
Spark.I will not wag without you.
Pinch.This coxcomb is a sensible torment to me amidst the greatest in the world. [Aside.
Spark.Come, come, Madam Margery.
Pinch.No; I'll lead her my way: what, would you treat your friends with mine, for want of your own wife?—[Leads her to the other door, and locks her in and returns.] I am contented my rage should take breath—[Aside.
Spark.I told Horner this.
Pinch.Come now.
Spark.Lord, how shy you are of your wife! but let me tell you, brother, we men of wit have amongst us a saying, that cuckolding, like the small-pox, comes with a fear; and you may keep your wife as much as you will out of danger of infection, but if her constitution incline her to't, she'll have it sooner or later, by the world, say they.
Pinch.[Aside.] What a thing is a cuckold, that every fool can make him ridiculous!—[Aloud.] Well, sir—but let me advise you, now you are come to be concerned, because you suspect the danger, not to neglect the means to prevent it, especially when the greatest share of the malady will light upon your own head, for
Hows'e'er the kind wife's belly comes to swell,The husband breeds for her, and first is ill.
[Exeunt.
EnterPinchwifeandMrs.Pinchwife.A table and candle.
Pinch.Come, take the pen and make an end of the letter, just as you intended; if you are false in a tittle, I shall soon perceive it, and punish you as you deserve.—[Lays his hand on his sword.] Write what was to follow—let's see—"You must make haste, and help me away before to-morrow, or else I shall be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our"—What follows "our"?
Mrs. Pinch.Must all out, then, bud?—Look you there, then. [Mrs.Pinchwifetakes the pen and writes.
Pinch.Let's see—"For I can defer no longer our—wedding—Your slighted Alithea."—What's the meaning of this? my sister's name to't? speak, unriddle.
Mrs. Pinch.Yes, indeed, bud.
Pinch.But why her name to't? speak—speak, I say.
Mrs. Pinch.Ay, but you'll tell her then again. If you would not tell her again—
Pinch.I will not:—I am stunned, my head turns round.—Speak.
Mrs. Pinch.Won't you tell her, indeed, and indeed?
Pinch.No; speak, I say.
Mrs. Pinch.She'll be angry with me; but I had rather she should be angry with me than you, bud;and, to tell you the truth, 'twas she made me write the letter, and taught me what I should write.
Pinch.[Aside.] Ha!—I thought the style was somewhat better than her own.—[Aloud.] Could she come to you to teach you, since I had locked you up alone?
Mrs. Pinch.O, through the key-hole, bud.
Pinch.But why should she make you write a letter for her to him, since she can write herself?
Mrs. Pinch.Why, she said because—for I was unwilling to do it—
Pinch.Because what—because?
Mrs. Pinch.Because, lest Mr. Horner should be cruel, and refuse her; or be vain afterwards, and show the letter, she might disown it, the hand not being hers.
Pinch.[Aside.] How's this? Ha!—then I think I shall come to myself again.—This changeling could not invent this lie: but if she could, why should she? she might think I should soon discover it.—Stay—now I think on't too, Horner said he was sorry she had married Sparkish; and her disowning her marriage to me makes me think she has evaded it for Horner's sake: yet why should she take this course? But men in love are fools; women may well be so—[Aloud.] But hark you, madam, your sister went out in the morning, and I have not seen her within since.
Mrs. Pinch.Alack-a-day, she has been crying all day above, it seems, in a corner.
Pinch.Where is she? let me speak with her.
Mrs. Pinch.[Aside.] O Lord, then she'll discover all!—[Aloud.] Pray hold, bud; what, d'ye mean to discover me? she'll know I have told you then. Pray, bud, let me talk with her first.
Pinch.I must speak with her, to know whether Horner ever made her any promise, and whether she be married to Sparkish or no.
Mrs. Pinch.Pray, dear bud, don't, till I have spokenwith her, and told her that I have told you all; for she'll kill me else.
Pinch.Go then, and bid her come out to me.
Mrs. Pinch.Yes, yes, bud.
Pinch.Let me see—[Pausing.
Mrs. Pinch.[Aside.] I'll go, but she is not within to come to him: I have just got time to know of Lucy her maid, who first set me on work, what lie I shall tell next; for I am e'en at my wit's end. [Exit.
Pinch.Well, I resolve it, Horner shall have her: I'd rather give him my sister than lend him my wife; and such an alliance will prevent his pretensions to my wife, sure. I'll make him of kin to her, and then he won't care for her.
Re-enterMrs.Pinchwife.
Mrs. Pinch.O Lord, bud! I told you what anger you would make me with my sister.
Pinch.Won't she come hither?
Mrs. Pinch.No, no. Lack-a-day, she's ashamed to look you in the face: and she says, if you go in to her, she'll run away down stairs, and shamefully go herself to Mr. Horner, who has promised her marriage, she says; and she will have no other, so she won't.
Pinch.Did he so?—promise her marriage!—then she shall have no other. Go tell her so; and if she will come and discourse with me a little concerning the means, I will about it immediately. Go.—[ExitMrs.Pinchwife.] His estate is equal to Sparkish's, and his extraction as much better than his, as his parts are; but my chief reason is, I'd rather be akin to him by the name of brother-in-law than that of cuckold.
Re-enterMrs.Pinchwife.
Well, what says she now?
Mrs. Pinch.Why, she says, she would only have you lead her to Horner's lodging; with whom she first will discourse the matter before she talks with you, which yetshe cannot do; for alack, poor creature, she says she can't so much as look you in the face, therefore she'll come to you in a mask. And you must excuse her, if she make you no answer to any question of yours, till you have brought her to Mr. Horner; and if you will not chide her, nor question her, she'll come out to you immediately.
Pinch.Let her come: I will not speak a word to her, nor require a word from her.
Mrs. Pinch.Oh, I forgot: besides she says, she cannot look you in the face, though through a mask; therefore would desire you to put out the candle.
Pinch.I agree to all. Let her make haste.—There, 'tis out—[Puts out the candle. ExitMrs.Pinchwife.] My case is something better: I'd rather fight with Horner for not lying with my sister, than for lying with my wife; and of the two, I had rather find my sister too forward than my wife. I expected no other from her free education, as she calls it, and her passion for the town. Well, wife and sister are names which make us expect love and duty, pleasure and comfort; but we find 'em plagues and torments, and are equally, though differently, troublesome to their keeper; for we have as much ado to get people to lie with our sisters as to keep 'em from lying with our wives.
Re-enterMrs.Pinchwifemasked, and in hoods and scarfs, and a night-gown and petticoat ofAlithea's.
What, are you come, sister? let us go then.—But first, let me lock up my wife. Mrs. Margery, where are you?
Mrs. Pinch.Here, bud.
Pinch.Come hither, that I may lock you up: get you in.—[Locks the door.] Come, sister, where are you now? [Mrs.Pinchwifegives him her hand; but when he lets her go, she steals softly on to the other side of him, and is led away by him for hisSister,Alithea.
HornerandQuack.
Quack.What, all alone? not so much as one of your cuckolds here, nor one of their wives! They use to take their turns with you, as if they were to watch you.
Horn.Yes, it often happens that a cuckold is but his wife's spy, and is more upon family duty when he is with her gallant abroad, hindering his pleasure, than when he is at home with her playing the gallant. But the hardest duty a married woman imposes upon a lover is keeping her husband company always.
Quack.And his fondness wearies you almost as soon as hers.
Horn.A pox! keeping a cuckold company, after you have had his wife, is as tiresome as the company of a country squire to a witty fellow of the town, when he has got all his money.
Quack.And as at first a man makes a friend of the husband to get the wife, so at last you are fain to fall out with the wife to be rid of the husband.
Horn.Ay, most cuckold-makers are true courtiers; when once a poor man has cracked his credit for 'em, they can't abide to come near him.
Quack.But at first, to draw him in, are so sweet, so kind, so dear! just as you are to Pinchwife. But what becomes of that intrigue with his wife?
Horn.A pox! he's as surly as an alderman that has been bit; and since he's so coy, his wife's kindness is in vain, for she's a silly innocent.
Quack.Did she not send you a letter by him?
Horn.Yes; but that's a riddle I have not yet solved. Allow the poor creature to be willing, she is silly too, and he keeps her up so close—
Quack.Yes, so close, that he makes her but the more willing, and adds but revenge to her love; which two,when met, seldom fail of satisfying each other one way or other.
Horn.What! here's the man we are talking of, I think.
EnterPinchwife,leading in hisWifemasked, muffled, and in herSister'sgown.
Pshaw!
Quack.Bringing his wife to you is the next thing to bringing a love-letter from her.
Horn.What means this?
Pinch.The last time, you know, sir, I brought you a love-letter; now, you see, a mistress; I think you'll say I am a civil man to you.
Horn.Ay, the devil take me, will I say thou art the civilest man I ever met with; and I have known some. I fancy I understand thee now better than I did the letter. But, hark thee, in thy ear—
Pinch.What?
Horn.Nothing but the usual question, man: is she sound, on thy word?
Pinch.What, you take her for a wench, and me for a pimp?
Horn.Pshaw! wench and pimp, paw[82]words; I know thou art an honest fellow, and hast a great acquaintance among the ladies, and perhaps hast made love for me, rather than let me make love to thy wife.
Pinch.Come, sir, in short, I am for no fooling.
Horn.Nor I neither: therefore prithee, let's see her face presently. Make her show, man: art thou sure I don't know her?
Pinch.I am sure you do know her.
Horn.A pox! why dost thou bring her to me then?
Pinch.Because she's a relation of mine—
Horn.Is she, faith, man? then thou art still more civil and obliging, dear rogue.
Pinch.Who desired me to bring her to you.
Horn.Then she is obliging, dear rogue.
Pinch.You'll make her welcome for my sake, I hope.
Horn.I hope she is handsome enough to make herself welcome. Prithee let her unmask.
Pinch.Do you speak to her; she would never be ruled by me.
Horn.Madam—[Mrs.Pinchwifewhispers toHorner.] She says she must speak with me in private. Withdraw, prithee.
Pinch.[Aside.] She's unwilling, it seems, I should know all her indecent conduct in this business—[Aloud.] Well then, I'll leave you together, and hope when I am gone, you'll agree; if not, you and I shan't agree, sir.
Horn.What means the fool? if she and I agree 'tis no matter what you and I do. [Whispers toMrs.Pinchwife,who makes signs with her hand for him to be gone.
Pinch.In the mean time I'll fetch a parson, and find out Sparkish, and disabuse him. You would have me fetch a parson, would you not? Well then—now I think I am rid of her, and shall have no more trouble with her—our sisters and daughters, like usurers' money, are safest when put out; but our wives, like their writings, never safe, but in our closets under lock and key. [Exit.
EnterBoy.
Boy.Sir Jasper Fidget, sir, is coming up. [Exit.
Horn.Here's the trouble of a cuckold now we are talking of. A pox on him! has he not enough to do to hinder his wife's sport, but he must other women's too?—Step in here, madam. [ExitMrs.Pinchwife.
EnterSirJasper Fidget.
Sir Jasp.My best and dearest friend.
Horn.[Aside toQuack.] The old style, doctor.—[Aloud.]Well, be short, for I am busy. What would your impertinent wife have now?
Sir Jasp.Well guessed, i'faith; for I do come from her.
Horn.To invite me to supper! Tell her, I can't come; go.
Sir Jasp.Nay, now you are out, faith; for my lady, and the whole knot of the virtuous gang, as they call themselves, are resolved upon a frolic of coming to you to-night in masquerade, and are all dressed already.
Horn.I shan't be at home.
Sir Jasp.[Aside.] Lord, how churlish he is to women!—[Aloud.] Nay, prithee don't disappoint 'em; they'll think 'tis my fault: prithee don't. I'll send in the banquet and the fiddles. But make no noise on't; for the poor virtuous rogues would not have it known, for the world, that they go a-masquerading; and they would come to no man's ball but yours.
Horn.Well, well—get you gone; and tell 'em, if they come, 'twill be at the peril of their honour and yours.
Sir Jasp.He! he! he!—we'll trust you for that: farewell. [Exit.
Horn.
Doctor, anon you too shall be my guest,But now I'm going to a private feast.
[Exeunt.
EnterSparkishwith a letter in his hand,Pinchwifefollowing.
Spark.But who would have thought a woman could have been false to me? By the world, I could not have thought it.
Pinch.You were for giving and taking liberty: she has taken it only, sir, now you find in that letter. You are a frank person, and so is she, you see there.
Spark.Nay, if this be her hand—for I never saw it.
Pinch.'Tis no matter whether that be her hand or no; I am sure this hand, at her desire, led her to Mr. Horner, with whom I left her just now, to go fetch a parson to 'em at their desire too, to deprive you of her for ever; for it seems yours was but a mock marriage.
Spark.Indeed, she would needs have it that 'twas Harcourt himself, in a parson's habit, that married us; but I'm sure he told me 'twas his brother Ned.
Pinch.O, there 'tis out; and you were deceived, not she: for you are such a frank person. But I must be gone.—You'll find her at Mr. Horner's. Go, and believe your eyes. [Exit.
Spark.Nay, I'll to her, and call her as many crocodiles, sirens, harpies, and other heathenish names, as a poet would do a mistress who had refused to hear his suit, nay more, his verses on her.—But stay, is not that she following a torch at t'other end of the Piazza? and from Horner's certainly—'tis so.
EnterAlitheafollowing a torch, andLucybehind.
You are well met, madam, though you don't think so. What, you have made a short visit to Mr. Horner? but I suppose you'll return to him presently, by that time the parson can be with him.
Alith.Mr. Horner and the parson, sir!
Spark.Come, madam, no more dissembling, no more jilting; for I am no more a frank person.
Alith.How's this?
Lucy.So, 'twill work, I see. [Aside.
Spark.Could you find out no easy country fool to abuse? none but me, a gentleman of wit and pleasure about the town? But it was your pride to be too hard for a man of parts, unworthy false woman! false as a friend that lends a man money to lose; false as dice, who undo those that trust all they have to 'em.
Lucy.He has been a great bubble, by his similes, as they say. [Aside.
Alith.You have been too merry, sir, at your wedding-dinner, sure.
Spark.What, d'ye mock me too?
Alith.Or you have been deluded.
Spark.By you.
Alith.Let me understand you.
Spark.Have you the confidence, (I should call it something else, since you know your guilt,) to stand my just reproaches? you did not write an impudent letter to Mr. Horner? who I find now has clubbed with you in deluding me with his aversion for women, that I might not, forsooth, suspect him for my rival.
Lucy.D'ye think the gentleman can be jealous now, madam? [Aside.
Alith.I write a letter to Mr. Horner!
Spark.Nay, madam, do not deny it. Your brother showed it me just now; and told me likewise, he left you at Horner's lodging to fetch a parson to marry you to him; and I wish you joy, madam, joy, joy; and to him too, much joy; and to myself more joy, for not marrying you.
Alith.[Aside.] So, I find my brother would break off the match; and I can consent to't, since I see this gentleman can be made jealous.—[Aloud.] O Lucy, by his rude usage and jealousy, he makes me almost afraid I am married to him. Art thou sure 'twas Harcourt himself, and no parson, that married us?
Spark.No, madam, I thank you. I suppose, that was a contrivance too of Mr. Horner's and yours, to make Harcourt play the parson; but I would as little as you have him one now, no, not for the world. For, shall I tell you another truth? I never had any passion for you till now, for now I hate you. 'Tis true, I might have married your portion, as other men of parts of the town do sometimes; and so, your servant. And to show my unconcernedness, I'll come to your wedding, and resign you with as much joy, as I would a stale wench to a newcully; nay, with as much joy as I would after the first night, if I had been married to you. There's for you; and so your servant, servant. [Exit.
Alith.How was I deceived in a man!
Lucy.You'll believe then a fool may be made jealous now? for that easiness in him that suffers him to be led by a wife, will likewise permit him to be persuaded against her by others.
Alith.But marry Mr. Horner! my brother does not intend it, sure: if I thought he did, I would take thy advice, and Mr. Harcourt for my husband. And now I wish, that if there be any over-wise woman of the town, who, like me, would marry a fool for fortune, liberty, or title, first, that her husband may love play, and be a cully to all the town but her, and suffer none but Fortune to be mistress of his purse; then, if for liberty, that he may send her into the country, under the conduct of some huswifely mother-in-law; and if for title, may the world give 'em none but that of cuckold.
Lucy.And for her greater curse, madam, may he not deserve it.
Alith.Away, impertinent! Is not this my old Lady Lanterlu's?[83]
Lucy.Yes, madam.—[Aside.] And here I hope we shall find Mr. Harcourt. [Exeunt.
EnterHorner, LadyFidget, Mrs.Dainty Fidget,andMrs.Squeamish.
Horn.A pox! they are come too soon—before I have sent back my new mistress. All that I have now to do is to lock her in, that they may not see her. [Aside.
L. Fid.That we may be sure of our welcome, we have brought our entertainment with us, and are resolved to treat thee, dear toad.
Mrs. Dain.And that we may be merry to purpose, have left Sir Jasper and my old Lady Squeamish, quarrelling at home at backgammon.
Mrs. Squeam.Therefore let us make use of our time, lest they should chance to interrupt us.
L. Fid.Let us sit then.
Horn.First, that you may be private, let me lock this door and that, and I'll wait upon you presently.
L. Fid.No, sir, shut 'em only, and your lips for ever; for we must trust you as much as our women.
Horn.You know all vanity's killed in me; I have no occasion for talking.
L. Fid.Now, ladies, supposing we had drank each of us our two bottles, let us speak the truth of our hearts.
Mrs. Dain. and Mrs. Squeam.Agreed.
L. Fid.By this brimmer, for truth is nowhere else to be found—[Aside toHorner.] not in thy heart, false man!
Horn.You have found me a true man, I'm sure. [Aside toLadyFidget.
L. Fid.[Aside toHorner.] Not every way.—But let us sit and be merry. [Sings.
Why should our damned tyrants oblige us to liveOn the pittance of pleasure which they only give?We must not rejoiceWith wine and with noise:In vain we must wake in a dull bed alone,Whilst to our warm rival the bottle they're gone.Then lay aside charms,And take up these arms.[84]'Tis wine only gives 'em their courage and wit;Because we live sober, to men we submit.If for beauties you'd pass,Take a lick of the glass,'Twill mend your complexions, and when they are gone,The best red we have is the red of the grape:Then, sisters, lay't on,And damn a good shape.
Mrs. Fain.Dear brimmer! Well, in token of our openness and plain-dealing, let us throw our masks over our heads.
Horn.So, 'twill come to the glasses anon. [Aside.
Mrs. Squeam.Lovely brimmer! let me enjoy him first.
L. Fid.No, I never part with a gallant till I've tried him. Dear brimmer! that makest our husbands short-sighted.
Mrs. Dain.And our bashful gallants bold.
Mrs. Squeam.And, for want of a gallant, the butler lovely in our eyes.—Drink, eunuch.
L. Fid.Drink, thou representative of a husband.—Damn a husband!
Mrs. Dain.And, as it were a husband, an old keeper.
Mrs. Squeam.And an old grandmother.
Horn.And an English bawd, and a French surgeon.
L. Fid.Ay, we have all reason to curse 'em.
Horn.For my sake, ladies?
L. Fid.No, for our own; for the first spoils all young gallants' industry.
Mrs. Dain.And the other's art makes 'em bold only with common women.
Mrs. Squeam.And rather run the hazard of the vile distemper amongst them, than of a denial amongst us.
Mrs. Dain.The filthy toads choose mistresses now as they do stuffs, for having been fancied and worn by others.
Mrs. Squeam.For being common and cheap.
L. Fid.Whilst women of quality, like the richest stuffs, lie untumbled, and unasked for.
Horn.Ay, neat, and cheap, and new, often they think best.
Mrs. Dain.No, sir, the beasts will be known by a mistress longer than by a suit.
Mrs. Squeam.And 'tis not for cheapness neither.
L. Fid.No; for the vain fops will take up druggets, and embroider 'em. But I wonder at the depraved appetites of witty men; they use to be out of the common road, and hate imitation. Pray tell me, beast, when you were a man, why you rather chose to club with a multitude in a common house for an entertainment, than to be the only guest at a good table.
Horn.Why, faith, ceremony and expectation are unsufferable to those that are sharp bent. People always eat with the best stomach at an ordinary, where every man is snatching for the best bit.
L. Fid.Though he get a cut over the fingers.—But I have heard, that people eat most heartily of another man's meat, that is, what they do not pay for.
Horn.When they are sure of their welcome and freedom; for ceremony in love and eating is as ridiculous as in fighting: falling on briskly is all should be done on those occasions.
L. Fid.Well then, let me tell you, sir, there is nowhere more freedom than in our houses; and we take freedom from a young person as a sign of good breeding; and a person may be as free as he pleases with us, as frolic, as gamesome, as wild as he will.
Horn.Han't I heard you all declaim against wild men?
L. Fid.Yes; but for all that, we think wildness in a man as desirable a quality as in a duck or rabbit: a tame man! foh!
Horn.I know not, but your reputations frightened me as much as your faces invited me.
L. Fid.Our reputation! Lord, why should you not think that we women make use of our reputation, as you men of yours, only to deceive the world with less suspicion? Our virtue is like the statesman's religion, thequaker's word, the gamester's oath, and the great man's honour; but to cheat those that trust us.
Mrs. Squeam.And that demureness, coyness, and modesty, that you see in our faces in the boxes at plays, is as much a sign of a kind woman, as a vizard-mask in the pit.
Mrs. Dain.For, I assure you, women are least masked when they have the velvet vizard on.
L. Fid.You would have found us modest women in our denials only.
Mrs. Squeam.Our bashfulness is only the reflection of the men's.
Mrs. Dain.We blush when they are shamefaced.
Horn.I beg your pardon, ladies, I was deceived in you devilishly. But why that mighty pretence to honour?
L. Fid.We have told you; but sometimes 'twas for the same reason you men pretend business often, to avoid ill company, to enjoy the better and more privately those you love.
Horn.But why would you ne'er give a friend a wink then?
L. Fid.Faith, your reputation frightened us, as much as ours did you, you were so notoriously lewd.
Horn.And you so seemingly honest.
L. Fid.Was that all that deterred you?
Horn.And so expensive—you allow freedom, you say.
L. Fid.Ay, ay.
Horn.That I was afraid of losing my little money, as well as my little time, both which my other pleasures required.
L. Fid.Money! foh! you talk like a little fellow now: do such as we expect money?
Horn.I beg your pardon, madam, I must confess, I have heard that great ladies, like great merchants, set but the higher prices upon what they have, because they are not in necessity of taking the first offer.
Mrs. Dain.Such as we make sale of our hearts?
Mrs. Squeam.We bribed for our love? foh!
Horn.With your pardon ladies, I know, like great men in offices, you seem to exact flattery and attendance only from your followers; but you have receivers about you, and such fees to pay, a man is afraid to pass your grants. Besides, we must let you win at cards, or we lose your hearts; and if you make an assignation, 'tis at a goldsmith's, jeweller's, or china-house; where for your honour you deposit to him, he must pawn his to the punctual cit, and so paying for what you take up, pays for what he takes up.
Mrs. Dain.Would you not have us assured of our gallants' love?
Mrs. Squeam.For love is better known by liberality than by jealousy.
L. Fid.For one may be dissembled, the other not.—[Aside.] But my jealousy can be no longer dissembled, and they are telling ripe.—[Aloud.]—Come, here's to our gallants in waiting, whom we must name, and I'll begin. This is my false rogue. [Claps him on the back.
Mrs. Squeam.How!
Horn.So, all will out now. [Aside.
Mrs. Squeam.Did you not tell me, 'twas for my sake only you reported yourself no man? [Aside toHorner.
Mrs. Dain.Oh, wretch! did you not swear to me, 'twas for my love and honour you passed for that thing you do? [Aside toHorner.
Horn.So, so.
L. Fid.Come, speak, ladies: this is my false villain.
Mrs. Squeam.And mine too.
Mrs. Dain.And mine.
Horn.Well then, you are all three my false rogues too, and there's an end on't.
L. Fid.Well then, there's no remedy; sister sharers, let us not fall out, but have a care of our honour. Though we get no presents, no jewels of him, we aresavers of our honour, the jewel of most value and use, which shines yet to the world unsuspected, though it be counterfeit.
Horn.Nay, and is e'en as good as if it were true, provided the world think so; for honour, like beauty now, only depends on the opinion of others.
L. Fid.Well, Harry Common, I hope you can be true to three. Swear; but 'tis to no purpose to require your oath, for you are as often forsworn as you swear to new women.
Horn.Come, faith, madam, let us e'en pardon one another; for all the difference I find betwixt we men and you women, we forswear ourselves at the beginning of an amour, you as long as it lasts.
EnterSirJasper Fidget,andOld LadySqueamish.
Sir Jasp.Oh, my Lady Fidget, was this your cunning, to come to Mr. Horner without me? but you have been nowhere else, I hope.
L. Fid.No, Sir Jasper.
L. Squeam.And you came straight hither, Biddy?
Mrs. Squeam.Yes, indeed, lady grandmother.
Sir Jasp.'Tis well, 'tis well; I knew when once they were thoroughly acquainted with poor Horner, they'd ne'er be from him: you may let her masquerade it with my wife and Horner, and I warrant her reputation safe.
EnterBoy.
Boy.O, sir, here's the gentleman come, whom you bid me not suffer to come up, without giving you notice, with a lady too, and other gentlemen.
Horn.Do you all go in there, whilst I send 'em away; and, boy, do you desire 'em to stay below till I come, which shall be immediately. [ExeuntSirJasper Fidget, LadyFidget, LadySqueamish, Mrs.Squeamish,andMrs.Dainty Fidget.
Boy.Yes, sir. [Exit.
[ExitHornerat the other door, and returns withMrs.Pinchwife.
Horn.You would not take my advice, to be gone home before your husband came back, he'll now discover all; yet pray, my dearest, be persuaded to go home, and leave the rest to my management; I'll let you down the back way.
Mrs. Pinch.I don't know the way home, so I don't.
Horn.My man shall wait upon you.
Mrs. Pinch.No, don't you believe that I'll go at all; what, are you weary of me already?
Horn.No, my life, 'tis that I may love you long, 'tis to secure my love, and your reputation with your husband; he'll never receive you again else.
Mrs. Pinch.What care I? d'ye think to frighten me with that? I don't intend to go to him again; you shall be my husband now.
Horn.I cannot be your husband, dearest, since you are married to him.
Mrs. Pinch.O, would you make me believe that? Don't I see every day at London here, women leave their first husbands, and go and live with other men as their wives? pish, pshaw! you'd make me angry, but that I love you so mainly.
Horn.So, they are coming up—In again, in, I hear 'em.—[ExitMrs.Pinchwife.] Well, a silly mistress is like a weak place, soon got, soon lost, a man has scarce time for plunder; she betrays her husband first to her gallant, and then her gallant to her husband.
EnterPinchwife, Alithea, Harcourt, Sparkish, Lucy,and aParson.
Pinch.Come, madam, 'tis not the sudden change of your dress, the confidence of your asseverations, and your false witness there, shall persuade me I did not bring you hither just now; here's my witness, who cannotdeny it, since you must be confronted.—Mr. Horner, did not I bring this lady to you just now?
Horn.Now must I wrong one woman for another's sake,—but that's no new thing with me, for in these cases I am still on the criminal's side against the innocent. [Aside.
Alith.Pray speak, sir.
Horn.It must be so. I must be impudent, and try my luck; impudence uses to be too hard for truth. [Aside.
Pinch.What, you are studying an evasion or excuse for her! Speak, sir.
Horn.No, faith, I am something backward only to speak in women's affairs or disputes.
Pinch.She bids you speak.
Alith.Ay, pray, sir, do, pray satisfy him.
Horn.Then truly, you did bring that lady to me just now.
Pinch.O ho!
Alith.How, sir?
Har.How, Horner?
Alith.What mean you, sir? I always took you for a man of honour.
Horn.Ay, so much a man of honour, that I must save my mistress, I thank you, come what will on't. [Aside.
Spark.So, if I had had her, she'd have made me believe the moon had been made of a Christmas pie.
Lucy.Now could I speak, if I durst, and solve the riddle, who am the author of it. [Aside.
Alith.O unfortunate woman! A combination against my honour! which most concerns me now, because you share in my disgrace, sir, and it is your censure, which I must now suffer, that troubles me, not theirs.
Har.Madam, then have no trouble, you shall now see 'tis possible for me to love too, without being jealous; I will not only believe your innocence myself,but make all the world believe it.—[Aside toHorner.] Horner, I must now be concerned for this lady's honour.
Horn.And I must be concerned for a lady's honour too.
Har.This lady has her honour, and I will protect it.
Horn.My lady has not her honour, but has given it me to keep, and I will preserve it.
Har.I understand you not.
Horn.I would not have you.
Mrs. Pinch.What's the matter with 'em all? [Peeping in behind.
Pinch.Come, come, Mr. Horner, no more disputing; here's the parson, I brought him not in vain.
Har.No, sir, I'll employ him, if this lady please.
Pinch.How! what d'ye mean?
Spark.Ay, what does he mean?
Horn.Why, I have resigned your sister to him, he has my consent.
Pinch.But he has not mine, sir; a woman's injured honour, no more than a man's, can be repaired or satisfied by any but him that first wronged it; and you shall marry her presently, or—[Lays his hand on his sword.
Re-enterMrs.Pinchwife.
Mrs. Pinch.O Lord, they'll kill poor Mr. Horner! besides, he shan't marry her whilst I stand by, and look on; I'll not lose my second husband so.
Pinch.What do I see?
Alith.My sister in my clothes!
Spark.Ha!
Mrs. Pinch.Nay, pray now don't quarrel about finding work for the parson, he shall marry me to Mr. Horner; or now, I believe, you have enough of me. [ToPinchwife.
Horn.Damned, damned loving changeling! [Aside.
Mrs. Pinch.Pray, sister, pardon me for telling so many lies of you.
Horn.I suppose the riddle is plain now.
Lucy.No, that must be my work.—Good sir, hear me. [Kneels toPinchwife,who stands doggedly with his hat over his eyes.
Pinch.I will never hear woman again, but make 'em all silent thus—[Offers to draw upon hisWife.
Horn.No, that must not be.
Pinch.You then shall go first, 'tis all one to me. [Offers to draw onHorner,but is stopped byHarcourt.
Har.Hold!
Re-enterSirJasper Fidget, LadyFidget, LadySqueamish, Mrs.Dainty Fidget,andMrs.Squeamish.
Sir Jasp.What's the matter? what's the matter? pray, what's the matter, sir? I beseech you communicate, sir.
Pinch.Why, my wife has communicated, sir, as your wife may have done too, sir, if she knows him, sir.
Sir Jasp.Pshaw, with him! ha! ha! he!
Pinch.D'ye mock me, sir? a cuckold is a kind of a wild beast; have a care, sir.
Sir Jasp.No, sure, you mock me, sir. He cuckold you! it can't be, ha! ha! he! why, I'll tell you, sir—[Offers to whisper.
Pinch.I tell you again, he has whored my wife, and yours too, if he knows her, and all the women he comes near; 'tis not his dissembling, his hypocrisy, can wheedle me.
Sir Jasp.How! does he dissemble? is he a hypocrite? Nay, then—how—wife—sister, is he a hypocrite?
L. Squeam.A hypocrite! a dissembler! Speak, young harlotry, speak, how?
Sir Jasp.Nay, then—O my head too!—O thou libidinous lady!
L. Squeam.O thou harloting harlotry! hast thou done't then?
Sir Jasp.Speak, good Horner, art thou a dissembler, a rogue? hast thou—
Horn.So!
Lucy.I'll fetch you off, and her too, if she will but hold her tongue. [Apart toHorner.
Horn.Canst thou? I'll give thee—[Apart toLucy.
Lucy. [ToPinchwife.] Pray have but patience to hear me, sir, who am the unfortunate cause of all this confusion. Your wife is innocent, I only culpable; for I put her upon telling you all these lies concerning my mistress, in order to the breaking off the match between Mr. Sparkish and her, to make way for Mr. Harcourt.
Spark.Did you so, eternal rotten tooth? Then, it seems, my mistress was not false to me, I was only deceived by you. Brother, that should have been, now man of conduct, who is a frank person now, to bring your wife to her lover, ha?
Lucy.I assure you, sir, she came not to Mr. Horner out of love, for she loves him no more—
Mrs. Pinch.Hold, I told lies for you, but you shall tell none for me, for I do love Mr. Horner with all my soul, and nobody shall say me nay; pray, don't you go to make poor Mr. Horner believe to the contrary; 'tis spitefully done of you, I'm sure.
Horn.Peace, dear idiot. [Aside toMrs.Pinchwife.
Mrs. Pinch.Nay, I will not peace.
Pinch.Not till I make you.
EnterDorilantandQuack.
Dor.Horner, your servant; I am the doctor's guest, he must excuse our intrusion.
Quack.But what's the matter, gentlemen? for Heaven's sake, what's the matter?
Horn.Oh, 'tis well you are come. 'Tis a censorious world we live in; you may have brought me a reprieve, or else I had died for a crime I never committed, and these innocent ladies had suffered with me; therefore,pray satisfy these worthy, honourable, jealous gentlemen—that—[Whispers.
Quack.O, I understand you, is that all?—Sir Jasper, by Heavens, and upon the word of a physician, sir—[Whispers toSirJasper.
Sir Jasp.Nay, I do believe you truly.—Pardon me, my virtuous lady, and dear of honour.
L. Squeam.What, then all's right again?
Sir Jasp.Ay, ay, and now let us satisfy him too. [They whisper withPinchwife.
Pinch.An eunuch! Pray, no fooling with me.
Quack.I'll bring half the chirurgeons in town to swear it.
Pinch.They!—they'll swear a man that bled to death through his wounds, died of an apoplexy.
Quack.Pray, hear me, sir—why, all the town has heard the report of him.
Pinch.But does all the town believe it?
Quack.Pray, inquire a little, and first of all these.
Pinch.I'm sure when I left the town, he was the lewdest fellow in't.
Quack.I tell you, sir, he has been in France since; pray, ask but these ladies and gentlemen, your friend Mr. Dorilant. Gentlemen and ladies, han't you all heard the late sad report of poor Mr. Horner?
All the Ladies.Ay, ay, ay.
Dor.Why, thou jealous fool, dost thou doubt it? he's an arrant French capon.
Mrs. Pinch.'Tis false, sir, you shall not disparage poor Mr. Horner, for to my certain knowledge—
Lucy.O, hold!
Mrs. Squeam.Stop her mouth! [Aside toLucy.
L. Fid.Upon my honour, sir, 'tis as true—[ToPinchwife.
Mrs. Dain.D'ye think we would have been seen in his company?
Mrs. Squeam.Trust our unspotted reputations with him?
L. Fid.This you get, and we too, by trusting your secret to a fool. [Aside toHorner.
Horn.Peace, madam.—[Aside toQuack.] Well, doctor, is not this a good design, that carries a man on unsuspected, and brings him off safe?
Pinch.Well, if this were true—but my wife—[Aside.
[Dorilantwhispers withMrs.Pinchwife.
Alith.Come, brother, your wife is yet innocent, you see; but have a care of too strong an imagination, lest, like an over-concerned timorous gamester, by fancying an unlucky cast, it should come. Women and fortune are truest still to those that trust 'em.
Lucy.And any wild thing grows but the more fierce and hungry for being kept up, and more dangerous to the keeper.
Alith.There's doctrine for all husbands, Mr. Harcourt.
Har.I edify, madam, so much, that I am impatient till I am one.
Dor.And I edify so much by example, I will never be one.
Spark.And because I will not disparage my parts, I'll ne'er be one.
Horn.And I, alas! can't be one.
Pinch.But I must be one—against my will to a country wife, with a country murrain to me!
Mrs. Pinch.And I must be a country wife still too, I find; for I can't, like a city one, be rid of my musty husband, and do what I list. [Aside.
Horn.Now, sir, I must pronounce your wife innocent, though I blush whilst I do it; and I am the only man by her now exposed to shame, which I will straight drown in wine, as you shall your suspicion; and the ladies' troubles we'll divert with a ballad.—Doctor, where are your maskers?
Lucy.Indeed, she's innocent, sir, I am her witness, and her end of coming out was but to see her sister's wedding; and what she has said to your face of her love toMr. Horner, was but the usual innocent revenge on a husband's jealousy;—was it not, madam, speak?
Mrs. Pinch.[Aside toLucyandHorner.] Since you'll have me tell more lies—[Aloud.] Yes, indeed, bud.
Pinch.
For my own sake fain I would all believe;Cuckolds, like lovers, should themselves deceive.But—[SighsHis honour is least safe (too late I find)Who trusts it with a foolish wife or friend.
A Dance of Cuckolds.
Horn.
Vain fops but court and dress, and keep a pother,To pass for women's men with one another;But he who aims by women to be prized,First by the men, you see, must be despised.
[Exeunt.
Now you the vigorous, who daily hereO'er vizard-mask in public domineer,And what you'd do to her, if in place where;Nay, have the confidence to cry, "Come out!"Yet when she says, "Lead on!" you are not stout;But to your well-dressed brother straight turn round,And cry "Pox on her, Ned, she can't be sound!"Then slink away, a fresh one to engage,With so much seeming heat and loving rage,You'd frighten listening actress on the stage;Till she at last has seen you huffing come,And talk of keeping in the tiring-room,Yet cannot be provoked to lead her home.Next, you Falstaffs of fifty, who besetYour buckram maidenheads, which your friends get;And whilst to them you of achievements boast,They share the booty, and laugh at your cost.In fine, you essenced boys, both old and young,Who would be thought so eager, brisk, and strong,Yet do the ladies, not their husbands wrong;Whose purses for your manhood make excuse,And keep your Flanders mares for show not use;Encouraged by our woman's man to-day,A Horner's part may vainly think to play;And may intrigues so bashfully disown,That they may doubted be by few or none;May kiss the cards at picquet, ombre, loo,And so be taught to kiss the lady too;But, gallants, have a care, faith, what you do.The world, which to no man his due will give,You by experience know you can deceive,And men may still believe you vigorous,But then we women—there's no cozening us.