Pinch.Ha!—Mrs. Minx, ask me no more to go to a play.
Mrs. Pinch.Nay, why, love? I did not care for going: but when you forbid me, you make me, as 'twere, desire it.
Alith.So 'twill be in other things, I warrant. [Aside.
Mrs. Pinch.Pray let me go to a play, dear.
Pinch.Hold your peace, I wo' not.
Mrs. Pinch.Why, love?
Pinch.Why, I'll tell you.
Alith.Nay, if he tell her, she'll give him more cause to forbid her that place. [Aside.
Mrs. Pinch.Pray why, dear?
Pinch.First, you like the actors; and the gallants may like you.
Mrs. Pinch.What, a homely country girl! No, bud, nobody will like me.
Pinch.I tell you yes, they may.
Mrs. Pinch.No, no, you jest—I won't believe you: I will go.
Pinch.I tell you then, that one of the lewdest fellows in town, who saw you there, told me he was in love with you.
Mrs. Pinch.Indeed! who, who, pray who was't?
Pinch.I've gone too far, and slipped before I was aware; how overjoyed she is! [Aside.
Mrs. Pinch.Was it any Hampshire gallant, any of our neighbours? I promise you, I am beholden to him.
Pinch.I promise you, you lie; for he would but ruin you, as he has done hundreds. He has no other love for women but that; such as he look upon women, like basilisks, but to destroy 'em.
Mrs. PinchAy, but if he loves me, why should he ruin me? answer me to that. Methinks he should not, I would do him no harm.
Alith.Ha! ha! ha!
Pinch.'Tis very well; but I'll keep him from doing you any harm, or me either. But here comes company; get you in, get you in.
Mrs. Pinch.But, pray, husband, is he a pretty gentleman that loves me?
Pinch.In, baggage, in. [Thrusts her in, and shuts the door.
EnterSparkishandHarcourt.
What, all the lewd libertines of the town brought to my lodging by this easy coxcomb! 'sdeath, I'll not suffer it.
Spark.Here, Harcourt, do you approve my choice?—[ToAlithea.] Dear little rogue, I told you I'd bring you acquainted with all my friends, the wits and—[Harcourtsalutes her.
Pinch.Ay, they shall know her, as well as you yourself will, I warrant you.
Spark.This is one of those, my pretty rogue, that are to dance at your wedding to-morrow; and him you must bid welcome ever, to what you and I have.
Pinch.Monstrous! [Aside.
Spark.Harcourt, how dost thou like her, faith? Nay, dear, do not look down; I should hate to have a wife of mine out of countenance at anything.
Pinch.Wonderful! [Aside.
Spark.Tell me, I say, Harcourt, how dost thou like her? Thou hast stared upon her enough, to resolve me.
Har.So infinitely well, that I could wish I had a mistress too, that might differ from her in nothing but her love and engagement to you.
Alith.Sir, Master Sparkish has often told me that his acquaintance were all wits and raillieurs, and now I find it.
Spark.No, by the universe, madam, he does not rally now; you may believe him. I do assure you, he is the honestest, worthiest, true-hearted gentlemen—a man of such perfect honour, he would say nothing to a lady he does not mean.
Pinch.Praising another man to his mistress! [Aside.
Har.Sir, you are so beyond expectation obliging, that—
Spark.Nay, egad, I am sure you do admire her extremely; I see't in your eyes.—He does admire you, madam.—By the world, don't you?
Har.Yes, above the world, or the most glorious part of it, her whole sex: and till now I never thought I should have envied you, or any man about to marry, but you have the best excuse for marriage I ever knew.
Alith.Nay, now, sir, I'm satisfied you are of the society of the wits and raillieurs, since you cannot spare your friend, even when he is but too civil to you; but the surest sign is, since you are an enemy to marriage,—for that I hear you hate as much as business or bad wine.
Har.Truly, madam, I was never an enemy to marriage till now, because marriage was never an enemy to me before.
Alith.But why, sir, is marriage an enemy to you now? because it robs you of your friend here? for you look upon a friend married, as one gone into a monastery, that is, dead to the world.
Har.'Tis indeed, because you marry him; I see, madam, you can guess my meaning. I do confess heartily and openly, I wish it were in my power to break the match; by Heavens I would.
Spark.Poor Frank!
Alith.Would you be so unkind to me?
Har.No, no, 'tis not because I would be unkind to you.
Spark.Poor Frank! no gad, 'tis only his kindness to me.
Pinch.Great kindness to you indeed! Insensible fop, let a man make love to his wife to his face! [Aside.
Spark.Come, dear Frank, for all my wife there, that shall be, thou shalt enjoy me sometimes, dear rogue. By my honour, we men of wit condole for our deceased brother in marriage, as much as for one dead in earnest: I think that was prettily said of me, ha, Harcourt?—But come, Frank, be not melancholy for me.
Har.No, I assure you, I am not melancholy for you.
Spark.Prithee, Frank, dost think my wife that shall be there, a fine person?
Har.I could gaze upon her till I became as blind as you are.
Spark.How as I am? how?
Har.Because you are a lover, and true lovers are blind, stock blind.
Spark.True, true; but by the world she has wit too, as well as beauty: go, go with her into a corner, and try if she has wit; talk to her anything, she's bashful before me.
Har.Indeed if a woman wants wit in a corner, she has it nowhere.
Alith.Sir, you dispose of me a little before your time—[Aside toSparkish.
Spark.Nay, nay, madam, let me have an earnest of your obedience, or—go, go, madam—[HarcourtcourtsAlitheaaside.
Pinch.How, sir! if you are not concerned for the honour of a wife, I am for that of a sister; he shall not debauch her. Be a pander to your own wife! bring men to her! let 'em make love before your face! thrust 'em into a corner together, then leave 'em in private! is this your town wit and conduct?
Spark.Ha! ha! ha! a silly wise rogue would make one laugh more than a stark fool, ha! ha! I shall burst. Nay, you shall not disturb 'em; I'll vex thee, by the world. [Struggles withPinchwifeto keep him fromHarcourtandAlithea.
Alith.The writings are drawn, sir, settlements made; 'tis too late, sir, and past all revocation.
Har.Then so is my death.
Alith.I would not be unjust to him.
Har.Then why to me so?
Alith.I have no obligation to you.
Har.My love.
Alith.I had his before.
Har.You never had it; he wants, you see, jealousy, the only infallible sign of it.
Alith.Love proceeds from esteem; he cannot distrust my virtue: besides, he loves me, or he would not marry me.
Har.Marrying you is no more sign of his love than bribing your woman, that he may marry you, is a sign of his generosity. Marriage is rather a sign of interest than love; and he that marries a fortune covets a mistress, not loves her. But if you take marriage for a sign of love, take it from me immediately.
Alith.No, now you have put a scruple in my head; but in short, sir, to end our dispute, I must marry him, my reputation would suffer in the world else.
Har.No; if you do marry him, with your pardon, madam, your reputation suffers in the world, and you would be thought in necessity for a cloak.
Alith.Nay, now you are rude, sir.—Mr. Sparkish,pray come hither, your friend here is very troublesome, and very loving.
Har.Hold! hold!—[Aside toAlithea.
Pinch.D'ye hear that?
Spark.Why, d'ye think I'll seem to be jealous, like a country bumpkin?
Pinch.No, rather be a cuckold, like a credulous cit.
Har.Madam, you would not have been so little generous as to have told him.
Alith.Yes, since you could be so little generous as to wrong him.
Har.Wrong him! no man can do't, he's beneath an injury: a bubble, a coward, a senseless idiot, a wretch so contemptible to all the world but you, that—
Alith.Hold, do not rail at him, for since he is like to be my husband, I am resolved to like him: nay, I think I am obliged to tell him you are not his friend.—Master Sparkish, Master Sparkish!
Spark.What, what?—[ToHarcourt.] Now, dear rogue, has not she wit?
Har.Not so much as I thought, and hoped she had. [Speaks surlily.
Alith.Mr. Sparkish, do you bring people to rail at you?
Har.Madam—
Spark.How! no; but if he does rail at me, 'tis but in jest, I warrant: what we wits do for one another, and never take any notice of it.
Alith.He spoke so scurrilously of you, I had no patience to hear him; besides, he has been making love to me.
Har.True, damned tell-tale woman! [Aside.
Spark.Pshaw! to show his parts—we wits rail and make love often, but to show our parts: as we have no affections, so we have no malice, we—
Alith.He said you were a wretch below an injury—
Spark.Pshaw!
Har.Damned, senseless, impudent, virtuous jade!Well, since she won't let me have her, she'll do as good, she'll make me hate her. [Aside.
Alith.A common bubble—
Spark.Pshaw!
Alith.A coward—
Spark.Pshaw, pshaw!
Alith.A senseless, drivelling idiot—
Spark.How! did he disparage my parts? Nay, then, my honour's concerned, I can't put up that, sir, by the world—brother, help me to kill him—[Aside] I may draw now, since we have the odds of him:—'tis a good occasion, too, before my mistress—[Offers to draw.
Alith.Hold, hold!
Spark.What, what?
Alith.[Aside.] I must not let 'em kill the gentleman neither, for his kindness to me: I am so far from hating him, that I wish my gallant had his person and understanding. Nay, if my honour—
Spark.I'll be thy death.
Alith.Hold, hold! Indeed, to tell the truth, the gentleman said after all, that what he spoke was but out of friendship to you.
Spark.How! say, I am, I am a fool, that is, no wit, out of friendship to me?
Alith.Yes, to try whether I was concerned enough for you; and made love to me only to be satisfied of my virtue, for your sake.
Har.Kind, however. [Aside.
Spark.Nay, if it were so, my dear rogue, I ask thee pardon; but why would not you tell me so, faith?
Har.Because I did not think on't, faith.
Spark.Come, Horner does not come; Harcourt, let's be gone to the new play.—Come, madam.
Alith.I will not go, if you intend to leave me alone in the box, and run into the pit, as you use to do.
Spark.Pshaw! I'll leave Harcourt with you in the box to entertain you, and that's as good; if I sat in thebox, I should be thought no judge but of trimmings.—Come away, Harcourt, lead her down. [ExeuntSparkish, Harcourt,andAlithea.
Pinch.Well, go thy ways, for the flower of the true town fops, such as spend their estates before they come to 'em, and are cuckolds before they're married. But let me go look to my own freehold.—How!
EnterLadyFidget, Mrs.Dainty Fidget,andMrs.Squeamish.
Lady Fid.Your servant, sir: where is your lady? We are come to wait upon her to the new play.
Pinch.New play!
Lady Fid.And my husband will wait upon you presently.
Pinch.[Aside.] Damn your civility.—[Aloud.] Madam, by no means; I will not see Sir Jasper here, till I have waited upon him at home; nor shall my wife see you till she has waited upon your ladyship at your lodgings.
Lady Fid.Now we are here, sir?
Pinch.No, Madam.
Mrs. Dain.Pray, let us see her.
Mrs. Squeam.We will not stir till we see her.
Pinch.[Aside.] A pox on you all!—[Goes to the door, and returns.] She has locked the door, and is gone abroad.
Lady Fid.No, you have locked the door, and she's within.
Mrs. Dain.They told us below she was here.
Pinch.[Aside.] Will nothing do?—[Aloud.] Well, it must out then. To tell you the truth, ladies, which I was afraid to let you know before, lest it might endanger your lives, my wife has just now the small-pox come out upon her; do not be frightened; but pray be gone, ladies; you shall not stay here in danger of your lives; pray get you gone, ladies.
Lady Fid.No, no, we have all had 'em.
Mrs. Squeam.Alack, alack!
Mrs. Dain.Come, come, we must see how it goes with her; I understand the disease.
Lady Fid.Come!
Pinch.[Aside.] Well, there is no being too hard for women at their own weapon, lying, therefore I'll quit the field. [Exit.
Mrs. Squeam.Here's an example of jealousy!
Lady Fid.Indeed, as the world goes, I wonder there are no more jealous, since wives are so neglected.
Mrs. Dain.Pshaw! as the world goes, to what end should they be jealous?
Lady Fid.Foh! 'tis a nasty world.
Mrs. Squeam.That men of parts, great acquaintance, and quality, should take up with and spend themselves and fortunes in keeping little playhouse creatures, foh!
Lady Fid.Nay, that women of understanding, great acquaintance, and good quality, should fall a-keeping too of little creatures, foh!
Mrs. Squeam.Why, 'tis the men of quality's fault; they never visit women of honour and reputation as they used to do; and have not so much as common civility for ladies of our rank, but use us with the same indifferency and ill-breeding as if we were all married to 'em.
Lady Fid.She says true; 'tis an arrant shame women of quality should be so slighted; methinks birth—birth should go for something; I have known men admired, courted, and followed for their titles only.
Mrs. Squeam.Ay, one would think men of honour should not love, no more than marry, out of their own rank.
Mrs. Dain.Fy, fy, upon 'em! they are come to think cross breeding for themselves best, as well as for their dogs and horses.
Lady Fid.They are dogs and horses for't.
Mrs. Squeam.One would think, if not for love, for vanity a little.
Mrs. Dain.Nay, they do satisfy their vanity upon us sometimes; and are kind to us in their report, tell all the world they lie with us.
Lady Fid.Damned rascals, that we should be only wronged by 'em! To report a man has had a person, when he has not had a person, is the greatest wrong in the whole world that can be done to a person.
Mrs. Squeam.Well, 'tis an arrant shame noble persons should be so wronged and neglected.
Lady Fid.But still 'tis an arranter shame for a noble person to neglect her own honour, and defame her own noble person with little inconsiderable fellows, foh!
Mrs. Dain.I suppose the crime against our honour is the same with a man of quality as with another.
Lady Fid.How! no sure, the man of quality is likest one's husband, and therefore the fault should be the less.
Mrs. Dain.But then the pleasure should be the less.
Lady Fid.Fy, fy, fy, for shame, sister! whither shall we ramble? Be continent in your discourse, or I shall hate you.
Mrs. Dain.Besides, an intrigue is so much the more notorious for the man's quality.
Mrs. Squeam.'Tis true that nobody takes notice of a private man, and therefore with him 'tis more secret; and the crime's the less when 'tis not known.
Lady Fid.You say true; i'faith, I think you are in the right on't: 'tis not an injury to a husband, till it be an injury to our honours; so that a woman of honour loses no honour with a private person; and to say truth—
Mrs. Dain.So, the little fellow is grown a private person—with her—[Apart toMrs.Squeamish.
Lady Fid.But still my dear, dear honour—
EnterSirJasper Fidget, Horner,andDorilant.
Sir Jasp.Ay, my dear, dear of honour, thou hast still so much honour in thy mouth—
Horn.That she has none elsewhere. [Aside.
Lady Fid.Oh, what d'ye mean to bring in these upon us?
Mrs. Dain.Foh! these are as bad as wits.
Mrs. Squeam.Foh!
Lady Fid.Let us leave the room.
Sir Jasp.Stay, stay; faith, to tell you the naked truth—
Lady Fid.Fy, Sir Jasper! do not use that word naked.
Sir Jasp.Well, well, in short I have business at Whitehall, and cannot go to the play with you, therefore would have you go—
Lady Fid.With those two to a play?
Sir Jasp.No, not with t'other, but with Mr. Horner; there can be no more scandal to go with him than with Mr. Tattle, or Master Limberham.
Lady Fid.With that nasty fellow! no—no.
Sir Jasp.Nay, prithee, dear, hear me. [Whispers toLadyFidget.
Horn.Ladies—[HornerandDorilantdraw nearMrs.SqueamishandMrs.Dainty Fidget.
Mrs. Dain.Stand off.
Mrs. Squeam.Do not approach us.
Mrs. Dain.You herd with the wits, you are obscenity all over.
Mrs. Squeam.And I would as soon look upon a picture of Adam and Eve, without fig-leaves, as any of you, if I could help it; therefore keep off, and do not make us sick.
Dor.What a devil are these?
Horn.Why, these are pretenders to honour, as critics to wit, only by censuring others; and as every raw, peevish, out-of-humoured, affected, dull, tea-drinking, arithmetical fop, sets up for a wit by railing at men of sense, so these for honour, by railing at the court, and ladies of as great honour as quality.
Sir Jasp.Come, Mr. Horner, I must desire you to go with these ladies to the play, sir.
Horn.I, sir?
Sir Jasp.Ay, ay, come, sir.
Horn.I must beg your pardon, sir, and theirs; I will not be seen in women's company in public again for the world.
Sir Jasp.Ha, ha, strange aversion!
Mrs. Squeam.No, he's for women's company in private.
Sir Jasp.He—poor man—he—ha! ha! ha!
Mrs. Dain.'Tis a greater shame amongst lewd fellows to be seen in virtuous women's company, than for the women to be seen with them.
Horn.Indeed, madam, the time was I only hated virtuous women, but now I hate the other too; I beg your pardon, ladies.
Lady Fid.You are very obliging, sir, because we would not be troubled with you.
Sir Jasp.In sober sadness, he shall go.
Dor.Nay, if he wo' not, I am ready to wait upon the ladies, and I think I am the fitter man.
Sir Jasp.You sir! no, I thank you for that. Master Horner is a privileged man amongst the virtuous ladies, 'twill be a great while before you are so; he! he! he! he's my wife's gallant; he! he! he! No, pray withdraw, sir, for as I take it, the virtuous ladies have no business with you.
Dor.And I am sure he can have none with them. 'Tis strange a man can't come amongst virtuous women now, but upon the same terms as men are admitted into the Great Turk's seraglio. But heavens keep me from being an ombre player with 'em!—But where is Pinchwife? [Exit.
Sir Jasp.Come, come, man; what, avoid the sweet society of womankind? that sweet, soft, gentle, tame, noble creature, woman, made for man's companion—
Horn.So is that soft, gentle, tame, and more noble creature a spaniel, and has all their tricks; can fawn, lie down, suffer beating, and fawn the more; barks at your friends when they come to see you, makes your bed hard, gives you fleas, and the mange sometimes. And all the difference is, the spaniel's the more faithful animal, and fawns but upon one master.
Sir Jasp.He! he! he!
Mrs. Squeam.O the rude beast!
Mrs. Dain.Insolent brute!
Lady Fid.Brute! stinking, mortified, rotten French wether, to dare—
Sir Jasp.Hold, an't please your ladyship.—For shame, Master Horner! your mother was a woman—[Aside.] Now shall I never reconcile 'em.—[Aside toLadyFidget.] Hark you, madam, take my advice in your anger. You know you often want one to make up your drolling pack of ombre players, and you may cheat him easily; for he's an ill gamester, and consequently loves play. Besides, you know you have but two old civil gentlemen (with stinking breaths too) to wait upon you abroad; take in the third into your service. The other are but crazy; and a lady should have a supernumerary gentleman-usher as a supernumerary coach-horse, lest sometimes you should be forced to stay at home.
Lady Fid.But are you sure he loves play, and has money?
Sir Jasp.He loves play as much as you, and has money as much as I.
Lady Fid.Then I am contented to make him pay for his scurrility. Money makes up in a measure all other wants in men.—Those whom we cannot make hold for gallants, we make fine. [Aside.
Sir Jasp.[Aside.] So, so; now to mollify, wheedle him.—[Aside toHorner.] Master Horner, will you never keep civil company? methinks 'tis time now, since you are only fit for them. Come, come, man, you muste'en fall to visiting our wives, eating at our tables, drinking tea with our virtuous relations after dinner, dealing cards to 'em, reading plays and gazettes to 'em, picking fleas out of their smocks for 'em, collecting receipts, new songs, women, pages, and footmen for 'em.
Horn.I hope they'll afford me better employment, sir.
Sir Jasp.He! he! he! 'tis fit you know your work before you come into your place. And since you are unprovided of a lady to flatter, and a good house to eat at, pray frequent mine, and call my wife mistress, and she shall call you gallant, according to the custom.
Horn.Who, I?
Sir Jasp.Faith, thou sha't for my sake; come, for my sake only.
Horn.For your sake—
Sir Jasp.Come, come, here's a gamester for you; let him be a little familiar sometimes; nay, what if a little rude? Gamesters may be rude with ladies, you know.
Lady Fid.Yes; losing gamesters have a privilege with women.
Horn.I always thought the contrary, that the winning gamester had most privilege with women; for when you have lost your money to a man, you'll lose anything you have, all you have, they say, and he may use you as he pleases.
Sir Jasp.He! he! he! well, win or lose, you shall have your liberty with her.
Lady Fid.As he behaves himself; and for your sake I'll give him admittance and freedom.
Horn.All sorts of freedom, madam?
Sir Jasp.Ay, ay, ay, all sorts of freedom thou canst take. And so go to her, begin thy new employment; wheedle her, jest with her, and be better acquainted one with another.
Horn.[Aside.] I think I know her already; therefore may venture with her my secret for hers. [HornerandLadyFidgetwhisper.
Sir Jasp.Sister cuz, I have provided an innocent playfellow for you there.
Mrs. Dain.Who, he?
Mrs. Squeam.There's a playfellow, indeed!
Sir Jasp.Yes sure.—What, he is good enough to play at cards, blindman's-buff, or the fool with, sometimes!
Mrs. Squeam.Foh! we'll have no such playfellows.
Mrs. Dain.No, sir; you shan't choose playfellows for us, we thank you.
Sir Jasp.Nay, pray hear me. [Whispering to them.
Lady Fid.But, poor gentleman, could you be so generous, so truly a man of honour, as for the sakes of us women of honour, to cause yourself to be reported no man? No man! and to suffer yourself the greatest shame that could fall upon a man, that none might fall upon us women by your conversation? but, indeed, sir, as perfectly, perfectly the same man as before your going into France, sir? as perfectly, perfectly, sir?
Horn.As perfectly, perfectly, madam. Nay, I scorn you should take my word; I desire to be tried only, madam.
Lady Fid.Well, that's spoken again like a man of honour: all men of honour desire to come to the test. But, indeed, generally you men report such things of yourselves, one does not know how or whom to believe; and it is come to that pass, we dare not take your words no more than your tailor's, without some staid servant of yours be bound with you. But I have so strong a faith in your honour, dear, dear, noble sir, that I'd forfeit mine for yours, at any time, dear sir.
Horn.No, madam, you should not need to forfeit it for me; I have given you security already to save you harmless, my late reputation being so well known in the world, madam.
Lady Fid.But if upon any future falling-out, or upon a suspicion of my taking the trust out of your hands, to employ some other, you yourself should betray your trust,dear sir? I mean, if you'll give me leave to speak obscenely, you might tell, dear sir.
Horn.If I did, nobody would believe me. The reputation of impotency is as hardly recovered again in the world as that of cowardice, dear madam.
Lady Fid.Nay, then, as one may say, you may do your worst, dear, dear sir.
Sir Jasp.Come, is your ladyship reconciled to him yet? have you agreed on matters? for I must be gone to Whitehall.
Lady Fid.Why, indeed, Sir Jasper, Master Horner is a thousand, thousand times a better man than I thought him. Cousin Squeamish, sister Dainty, I can name him now. Truly, not long ago, you know, I thought his very name obscenity; and I would as soon have lain with him as have named him.
Sir Jasp.Very likely, poor madam.
Mrs. Dain.I believe it.
Mrs. Squeam.No doubt on't.
Sir Jasp.Well, well—that your ladyship is as virtuous as any she, I know, and him all the town knows—he! he! he! therefore now you like him, get you gone to your business together, go, go to your business, I say, pleasure, whilst I go to my pleasure, business.
Lady Fid.Come, then, dear gallant.
Horn.Come away, my dearest mistress.
Sir Jasp.So, so; why, 'tis as I'd have it. [Exit.
Horn.And as I'd have it.
Lady Fid.
Who for his business from his wife will run,Takes the best care to have her business done.
[Exeunt.
EnterAlitheaandMrs.Pinchwife.
Alith.Sister, what ails you? you are grown melancholy.
Mrs. Pinch.Would it not make any one melancholy to see you go every day fluttering about abroad, whilst I must stay at home like a poor lonely sullen bird in a cage?
Alith.Ay, sister; but you came young, and just from the nest to your cage: so that I thought you liked it, and could be as cheerful in't as others that took their flight themselves early, and are hopping abroad in the open air.
Mrs. Pinch.Nay, I confess I was quiet enough till my husband told me what pure lives the London ladies live abroad, with their dancing, meetings, and junketings, and dressed every day in their best gowns; and I warrant you, play at nine-pins every day of the week, so they do.
EnterPinchwife.
Pinch.Come, what's here to do? you are putting the town-pleasures in her head, and setting her a-longing.
Alith.Yes, after nine-pins. You suffer none to give her those longings you mean but yourself.
Pinch.I tell her of the vanities of the town like a confessor.
Alith.A confessor! just such a confessor as he that, by forbidding a silly ostler to grease the horse's teeth, taught him to do't.
Pinch.Come, Mrs. Flippant, good precepts are lost when bad examples are still before us: the liberty you take abroad makes her hanker after it, and out of humour at home. Poor wretch! she desired not to come to London; I would bring her.
Alith.Very well.
Pinch.She has been this week in town, and never desired till this afternoon to go abroad.
Alith.Was she not at a play yesterday?
Pinch.Yes; but she ne'er asked me; I was myself the cause of her going.
Alith.Then if she ask you again, you are the cause of her asking, and not my example.
Pinch.Well, to-morrow night I shall be rid of you; and the next day, before 'tis light, she and I'll be rid of the town, and my dreadful apprehensions.—Come, be not melancholy; for thou sha't go into the country after to-morrow, dearest.
Alith.Great comfort!
Mrs. Pinch.Pish! what d'ye tell me of the country for?
Pinch.How's this! what, pish at the country?
Mrs. Pinch.Let me alone; I am not well.
Pinch.O, if that be all—what ails my dearest?
Mrs. Pinch.Truly, I don't know: but I have not been well since you told me there was a gallant at the play in love with me.
Pinch.Ha!—
Alith.That's by my example too!
Pinch.Nay, if you are not well, but are so concerned, because a lewd fellow chanced to lie, and say he liked you, you'll make me sick too.
Mrs. Pinch.Of what sickness?
Pinch.O, of that which is worse than the plague, jealousy.
Mrs. Pinch.Pish, you jeer! I'm sure there's no such disease in our receipt-book at home.
Pinch.No, thou never met'st with it, poor innocent.—Well, if thou cuckold me, 'twill be my own fault—for cuckolds and bastards are generally makers of their own fortune. [Aside.
Mrs. Pinch.Well, but pray, bud, let's go to a play to-night.
Pinch.'Tis just done, she comes from it. But why are you so eager to see a play?
Mrs. Pinch.Faith, dear, not that I care one pin for their talk there; but I like to look upon the player-men, and would see, if I could, the gallant you say loves me: that's all, dear bud.
Pinch.Is that all, dear bud?
Alith.This proceeds from my example!
Mrs. Pinch.But if the play be done, let's go abroad, however, dear bud.
Pinch.Come have a little patience and thou shalt go into the country on Friday.
Mrs. Pinch.Therefore I would see first some sights to tell my neighbours of. Nay, I will go abroad, that's once.
Alith.I'm the cause of this desire too!
Pinch.But now I think on't, who, who was the cause of Horner's coming to my lodgings to-day? That was you.
Alith.No, you, because you would not let him see your handsome wife out of your lodging.
Mrs. Pinch.Why, O Lord! did the gentleman come hither to see me indeed?
Pinch.No, no.—You are not the cause of that damned question too, Mistress Alithea?—[Aside.] Well, she's in the right of it. He is in love with my wife—and comes after her—'tis so—but I'll nip his love in the bud; lest he should follow us into the country, and break his chariot-wheel near our house, on purpose for an excuse to come to't. But I think I know the town.
Mrs. Pinch.Come, pray, bud, let's go abroad before 'tis late; for I will go, that's flat and plain.
Pinch.[Aside.] So! the obstinacy already of the town-wife; and I must, whilst she's here, humour her like one.—[Aloud.] Sister, how shall we do, that she may not be seen, or known?
Alith.Let her put on her mask.
Pinch.Pshaw! a mask makes people but the more inquisitive, and is as ridiculous a disguise as a stage-beard: her shape, stature, habit will be known. And if we should meet with Horner, he would be sure to take acquaintance with us, must wish her joy, kiss her, talk to her, leer upon her, and the devil and all. No, I'll not use her to a mask, 'tis dangerous; for masks have made more cuckolds than the best faces that ever were known.
Alith.How will you do then?
Mrs. Pinch.Nay, shall we go? The Exchange will be shut, and I have a mind to see that.
Pinch.So—I have it—I'll dress her up in the suit we are to carry down to her brother, little Sir James; nay, I understand the town-tricks. Come, let's go dress her. A mask! no—a woman masked, like a covered dish, gives a man curiosity and appetite; when, it may be, uncovered, 'twould turn his stomach: no, no.
Alith.Indeed your comparison is something a greasy one: but I had a gentle gallant used to say, A beauty masked, like the sun in eclipse, gathers together more gazers than if it shined out. [Exeunt.
EnterHorner, Harcourt,andDorilant.
Dor.Engaged to women, and not sup with us!
Horn.Ay, a pox on 'em all!
Har.You were much a more reasonable man in themorning, and had as noble resolutions against 'em, as a widower of a week's liberty.
Dor.Did I ever think to see you keep company with women in vain?
Horn.In vain: no—'tis since I can't love 'em, to be revenged on 'em.
Har.Now your sting is gone, you looked in the box amongst all those women like a drone in the hive; all upon you, shoved and ill-used by 'em all, and thrust from one side to t'other.
Dor.Yet he must be buzzing amongst 'em still, like other beetle-headed liquorish drones. Avoid 'em, and hate 'em, as they hate you.
Horn.Because I do hate 'em, and would hate 'em yet more, I'll frequent 'em. You may see by marriage, nothing makes a man hate a woman more than her constant conversation. In short, I converse with 'em, as you do with rich fools, to laugh at 'em and use 'em ill.
Dor.But I would no more sup with women, unless I could lie with 'em, than sup with a rich coxcomb, unless I could cheat him.
Horn.Yes, I have known thee sup with a fool for his drinking; if he could set out your hand that way only, you were satisfied, and if he were a wine-swallowing mouth, 'twas enough.
Har.Yes, a man drinks often with a fool, as he tosses with a marker, only to keep his hand in use. But do the ladies drink?
Horn.Yes, sir; and I shall have the pleasure at least of laying 'em flat with a bottle, and bring as much scandal that way upon 'em as formerly t'other.
Har.Perhaps you may prove as weak a brother among 'em that way as t'other.
Dor.Foh! drinking with women is as unnatural as scolding with 'em. But 'tis a pleasure of decayed fornicators, and the basest way of quenching love.
Har.Nay, 'tis drowning love, instead of quenching it. But leave us for civil women too!
Dor.Ay, when he can't be the better for 'em. We hardly pardon a man that leaves his friend for a wench, and that's a pretty lawful call.
Horn.Faith, I would not leave you for 'em, if they would not drink.
Dor.Who would disappoint his company at Lewis's for a gossiping?
Har.Foh! Wine and women, good apart, together are as nauseous as sack and sugar. But hark you, sir, before you go, a little of your advice; an old maimed general, when unfit for action, is fittest for counsel. I have other designs upon women than eating and drinking with them; I am in love with Sparkish's mistress, whom he is to marry to-morrow: now how shall I get her?
EnterSparkish,looking about.
Horn.Why, here comes one will help you to her.
Har.He! he, I tell you, is my rival, and will hinder my love.
Horn.No; a foolish rival and a jealous husband assist their rival's designs; for they are sure to make their women hate them, which is the first step to their love for another man.
Har.But I cannot come near his mistress but in his company.
Horn.Still the better for you; for fools are most easily cheated when they themselves are accessories: and he is to be bubbled of his mistress as of his money, the common mistress, by keeping him company.
Spark.Who is that that is to be bubbled? Faith, let me snack; I han't met with a bubble since Christmas. 'Gad, I think bubbles are like their brother woodcocks, go out with the cold weather.
Har.A pox! he did not hear all, I hope. [Apart toHorner.
Spark.Come, you bubbling rogues you, where do we sup?—Oh, Harcourt, my mistress tells me you have been making fierce love to her all the play long: ha! ha!—But I—
Har.I make love to her!
Spark.Nay, I forgive thee, for I think I know thee, and I know her; but I am sure I know myself.
Har.Did she tell you so? I see all women are like these of the Exchange; who, to enhance the prize of their commodities, report to their fond customers offers which were never made 'em.
Horn.Ay, women are apt to tell before the intrigue, as men after it, and so show themselves the vainer sex. But hast thou a mistress, Sparkish? 'Tis as hard for me to believe it, as that thou ever hadst a bubble, as you bragged just now.
Spark.O, your servant, sir: are you at your raillery, sir? But we are some of us beforehand with you to-day at the play. The wits were something bold with you, sir; did you not hear us laugh?
Horn.Yes; but I thought you had gone to plays, to laugh at the poet's wit, not at your own.
Spark.Your servant, sir: no, I thank you. 'Gad I go to a play as to a country treat; I carry my own wine to one, and my own wit to t'other, or else I'm sure I should not be merry at either. And the reason why we are so often louder than the players, is, because we think we speak more wit, and so become the poet's rivals in his audience: for to tell you the truth, we hate the silly rogues; nay, so much, that we find fault even with their bawdy upon the stage, whilst we talk nothing else in the pit as loud.
Horn.But why shouldst thou hate the silly poets? Thou hast too much wit to be one; and they, like whores, are only hated by each other: and thou dost scorn writing, I'm sure.
Spark.Yes; I'd have you to know I scorn writing:but women, women, that make men do all foolish things, make 'em write songs too. Everybody does it. 'Tis even as common with lovers, as playing with fans; and you can no more help rhyming to your Phillis, than drinking to your Phillis.
Har.Nay, poetry in love is no more to be avoided than jealousy.
Dor.But the poets damned your songs, did they?
Spark.Damn the poets! they have turned 'em into burlesque, as they call it. That burlesque is a hocus-pocus trick they have got, which, by the virtue ofHictius doctius topsy turvy, they make a wise and witty man in the world, a fool upon the stage you know not how: and 'tis therefore I hate 'em too, for I know not but it may be my own case; for they'll put a man into a play for looking asquint. Their predecessors were contented to make serving-men only their stage-fools: but these rogues must have gentlemen, with a pox to 'em, nay, knights; and, indeed, you shall hardly see a fool upon the stage but he's a knight. And to tell you the truth, they have kept me these six years from being a knight in earnest, for fear of being knighted in a play, and dubbed a fool.
Dor.Blame 'em not, they must follow their copy, the age.
Har.But why shouldst thou be afraid of being in a play, who expose yourself every day in the play-houses, and at public places?
Horn.'Tis but being on the stage, instead of standing on a bench in the pit.
Dor.Don't you give money to painters to draw you like? and are you afraid of your pictures at length in a playhouse, where all your mistresses may see you?
Spark.A pox! painters don't draw the small-pox or pimples in one's face. Come, damn all your silly authors whatever, all books and booksellers, by the world; and all readers, courteous or uncourteous!
Har.But who comes here, Sparkish?
EnterPinchwifeandMrs.Pinchwifein man's clothes,AlitheaandLucy.
Spark.Oh, hide me! There's my mistress too. [Sparkishhides himself behindHarcourt.
Har.She sees you.
Spark.But I will not see her. 'Tis time to go to Whitehall, and I must not fail the drawing-room.
Har.Pray, first carry me, and reconcile me to her.
Spark.Another time. Faith, the king will have supped.
Har.Not with the worse stomach for thy absence. Thou art one of those fools that think their attendance at the king's meals as necessary as his physicians, when you are more troublesome to him than his doctors or his dogs.
Spark.Pshaw! I know my interest, sir. Prithee hide me.
Horn.Your servant, Pinchwife.—What, he knows us not!
Pinch.Come along. [To hisWifeaside.
Mrs. Pinch.Pray, have you any ballads? give me sixpenny worth.
Bookseller.We have no ballads.
Mrs. Pinch.Then give me "Covent Garden Drollery," and a play or two—Oh, here's "Tarugo's Wiles," and "The Slighted Maiden";[75]I'll have them.
Pinch.No; plays are not for your reading. Come along; will you discover yourself? [Apart to her.
Horn.Who is that pretty youth with him, Sparkish?
Spark.I believe his wife's brother, because he's something like her: but I never saw her but once.
Horn.Extremely handsome; I have seen a face like it too. Let us follow 'em. [ExeuntPinchwife, Mrs.Pinchwife, Alithea,andLucy; HornerandDorilantfollowing them.
Har.Come, Sparkish, your mistress saw you, and will be angry you go not to her. Besides, I would fain be reconciled to her, which none but you can do, dear friend.
Spark.Well, that's a better reason, dear friend. I would not go near her now for her's or my own sake; but I can deny you nothing: for though I have known thee a great while, never go, if I do not love thee as well as a new acquaintance.
Mar.I am obliged to you indeed, dear friend. I would be well with her, only to be well with thee still; for these ties to wives usually dissolve all ties to friends. I would be contented she should enjoy you a-nights, but I would have you to myself a-days as I have had, dear friend.
Spark.And thou shalt enjoy me a-days, dear, dear friend, never stir: and I'll be divorced from her, sooner than from thee. Come along.
Har.[Aside.] So, we are hard put to't, when we make our rival our procurer; but neither she nor her brother would let me come near her now. When all's done, a rival is the best cloak to steal to a mistress under, without suspicion; and when we have once got to her as we desire, we throw him off like other cloaks. [ExitSparkish, Harcourtfollowing him.
Re-enterPinchwifeandMrs.Pinchwife.
Pinch.[ToAlithea.] Sister, if you will not go, we must leave you.—[Aside.] The fool her gallant and she will muster up all the young saunterers of this place, andthey will leave their dear sempstresses to follow us. What a swarm of cuckolds and cuckold-makers are here!—Come, let's be gone, Mistress Margery.
Mrs. Pinch.Don't you believe that; I han't half my bellyfull of sights yet.
Pinch.Then walk this way.
Mrs. Pinch.Lord, what a power of brave signs are here! stay—the Bull's-Head, the Ram's-Head, and the Stag's-Head, dear—
Pinch.Nay, if every husband's proper sign here were visible, they would be all alike.
Mrs. Pinch.What d'ye mean by that, bud?
Pinch.'Tis no matter—no matter, bud.
Mrs Pinch.Pray tell me: nay, I will know.
Pinch.They would be all Bulls, Stags, and Rams-heads. [ExeuntPinchwifeandMrs.Pinchwife.
Re-enterSparkish, Harcourt, Alithea,andLucy,at the other side.
Spark.Come, dear madam, for my sake you shall be reconciled to him.
Alith.For your sake I hate him.
Har.That's something too cruel, madam, to hate me for his sake.
Spark.Ay indeed, madam, too, too cruel to me, to hate my friend for my sake.
Alith.I hate him because he is your enemy; and you ought to hate him too, for making love to me, if you love me.
Spark.That's a good one! I hate a man for loving you! If he did love you, 'tis but what he can't help; and 'tis your fault, not his, if he admires you. I hate a man for being of my opinion! I'll n'er do't, by the world.
Alith.Is it for your honour, or mine, to suffer a man to make love to me, who am to marry you to-morrow?
Spark.Is it for your honour, or mine, to have me jealous? That he makes love to you, is a sign you arehandsome; and that I am not jealous, is a sign you are virtuous. That I think is for your honour.
Alith.But 'tis your honour too I am concerned for.
Har.But why, dearest madam, will you be more concerned for his honour than he is himself? Let his honour alone, for my sake and his. He! he has no honour—
Spark.How's that?
Har.But what my dear friend can guard himself.
Spark.O ho—that's right again.
Har.Your care of his honour argues his neglect of it, which is no honour to my dear friend here. Therefore once more, let his honour go which way it will, dear madam.
Spark.Ay, ay; were it for my honour to marry a woman whose virtue I suspected, and could not trust her in a friend's hands?
Alith.Are you not afraid to lose me?
Har.He afraid to lose you, madam! No, no—you may see how the most estimable and most glorious creature in the world is valued by him. Will you not see it?
Spark.Right, honest Frank, I have that noble value for her that I cannot be jealous of her.
Alith.You mistake him. He means, you care not for me, nor who has me.
Spark.Lord, madam, I see you are jealous! Will you wrest a poor man's meaning from his words?
Alith.You astonish me, sir, with your want of jealousy.
Spark.And you make me giddy, madam, with your jealousy and fears, and virtue and honour. 'Gad, I see virtue makes a woman as troublesome as a little reading or learning.
Alith.Monstrous!
Lucy.Well, to see what easy husbands these women of quality can meet with! a poor chambermaid can never have such ladylike luck. Besides, he's thrown away upon her. She'll make no use of her fortune, her blessing,none to a gentleman, for a pure cuckold; for it requires good breeding to be a cuckold. [Aside.
Alith.I tell you then plainly, he pursues me to marry me.
Spark.Pshaw!
Har.Come, madam, you see you strive in vain to make him jealous of me. My dear friend is the kindest creature in the world to me.
Spark.Poor fellow!
Har.But his kindness only is not enough for me, without your favour, your good opinion, dear madam: 'tis that must perfect my happiness. Good gentleman, he believes all I say: would you would do so! Jealous of me! I would not wrong him nor you for the world.
Spark.Look you there. Hear him, hear him, and do not walk away so. [Alitheawalks carelessly to and fro.
Har.I love you, madam, so—
Spark.How's that? Nay, now you begin to go too far indeed.
Har.So much, I confess, I say, I love you, that I would not have you miserable, and cast yourself away upon so unworthy and inconsiderable a thing as what you see here. [Clapping his hand on his breast, points atSparkish.
Spark.No, faith, I believe thou wouldst not: now his meaning is plain; but I knew before thou wouldst not wrong me, nor her.
Har.No, no, Heavens forbid the glory of her sex should fall so low, as into the embraces of such a contemptible wretch, the least of mankind—my friend here—I injure him! [EmbracingSparkish.
Alith.Very well.
Spark.No, no, dear friend, I knew it.—Madam, you see he will rather wrong himself than me, in giving himself such names.
Alith.Do not you understand him yet?
Spark.Yes: how modestly he speaks of himself, poor fellow!
Alith.Methinks he speaks impudently of yourself, since—before yourself too; insomuch that I can no longer suffer his scurrilous abusiveness to you, no more than his love to me. [Offers to go.
Spark.Nay, nay, madam, pray stay—his love to you! Lord, madam, has he not spoke yet plain enough?
Alith.Yes, indeed, I should think so.
Spark.Well then, by the world, a man can't speak civilly to a woman now, but presently she says, he makes love to her. Nay, madam, you shall stay, with your pardon, since you have not yet understood him, till he has made an eclaircissement of his love to you, that is, what kind of love it is. Answer to thy catechism, friend; do you love my mistress here?
Har.Yes, I wish she would not doubt it.
Spark.But how do you love her?
Har.With all my soul.
Alith.I thank him, methinks he speaks plain enough now.
Spark.[ToAlithea.] You are out still.—But with what kind of love, Harcourt?
Har.With the best and the truest love in the world.
Spark.Look you there then, that is with no matrimonial love, I'm sure.
Alith.How's that? do you say matrimonial love is not best?
Spark.'Gad, I went too far ere I was aware. But speak for thyself, Harcourt, you said you would not wrong me nor her.
Har.No, so, madam, e'en take him for Heaven's sake.
Spark.Look you there, madam.
Har.Who should in all justice be yours, he that loves you most. [Claps his hand on his breast.
Alith.Look you there, Mr. Sparkish, who's that?
Spark.Who should it be?—Go on, Harcourt.
Har.Who loves you more than women titles, or fortune fools. [Points atSparkish.
Spark.Look you there, he means me still, for he points at me.
Alith.Ridiculous!
Har.Who can only match your faith and constancy in love.
Spark.Ay.
Har.Who knows, if it be possible, how to value so much beauty and virtue.
Spark.Ay.
Har.Whose love can no more be equalled in the world, than that heavenly form of yours.
Spark.No.
Har.Who could no more suffer a rival, than your absence, and yet could no more suspect your virtue, than his own constancy in his love to you.
Spark.No.
Har.Who, in fine, loves you better than his eyes, that first made him love you.
Spark.Ay—Nay, madam, faith, you shan't go till—
Alith.Have a care, lest you make me stay too long.
Spark.But till he has saluted you; that I may be assured you are friends, after his honest advice and declaration. Come, pray, madam, be friends with him.
Re-enterPinchwifeandMrs.Pinchwife.
Alith.You must pardon me, sir, that I am not yet so obedient to you.
Pinch.What, invite your wife to kiss men? Monstrous! are you not ashamed? I will never forgive you.
Spark.Are you not ashamed, that I should have more confidence in the chastity of your family than you have? You must not teach me, I am a man of honour, sir, though I am frank and free; I am frank, sir—
Pinch.Very frank, sir, to share your wife with your friends.
Spark.He is an humble, menial friend, such as reconciles the differences of the marriage bed; you know manand wife do not always agree; I design him for that use, therefore would have him well with my wife.
Pinch.A menial friend!—you will get a great many menial friends, by showing your wife as you do.
Spark.What then? It may be I have a pleasure in't, as I have to show fine clothes at a play-house, the first day, and count money before poor rogues.
Pinch.He that shows his wife or money, will be in danger of having them borrowed sometimes.
Spark.I love to be envied, and would not marry a wife that I alone could love; loving alone is as dull as eating alone. Is it not a frank age? and I am a frank person; and to tell you the truth, it may be, I love to have rivals in a wife, they make her seem to a man still but as a kept mistress; and so good night, for I must to Whitehall.—Madam, I hope you are now reconciled to my friend; and so I wish you a good night, madam, and sleep if you can: for to-morrow you know I must visit you early with a canonical gentleman. Good night, dear Harcourt. [Exit.
Har.Madam, I hope you will not refuse my visit to-morrow, if it should be earlier with a canonical gentleman than Mr. Sparkish's.
Pinch.This gentlewoman is yet under my care, therefore you must yet forbear your freedom with her, sir. [Coming betweenAlitheaandHarcourt.
Har.Must, sir?
Pinch.Yes, sir, she is my sister.
Har.'Tis well she is, sir—for I must be her servant, sir.—Madam—
Pinch.Come away, sister, we had been gone, if it had not been for you, and so avoided these lewd rake-hells, who seem to haunt us.
Re-enterHornerandDorilant.
Horn.How now, Pinchwife!
Pinch.Your servant.
Horn.What! I see a little time in the country makes a man turn wild and unsociable, and only fit to converse with his horses, dogs, and his herds.
Pinch.I have business, sir, and must mind it; your business is pleasure, therefore you and I must go different ways.
Horn.Well, you may go on, but this pretty young gentleman—[Takes hold of Mrs.Pinchwife.
Har.The lady—
Dor.And the maid—
Horn.Shall stay with us; for I suppose their business is the same with ours, pleasure.
Pinch.'Sdeath, he knows her, she carries it so sillily! yet if he does not, I should be more silly to discover it first. [Aside.
Alith.Pray, let us go, sir.
Pinch.Come, come—
Horn.[ToMrs.Pinchwife.] Had you not rather stay with us?—Prithee, Pinchwife, who is this pretty young gentleman?