PHIL: (Turning and seeing her.) Maggie!
MRS. SCHUYLER: (As before.) For the love of the Chambermaids'Union, where was I Maggie?
PHIL: Don't you remember when I was a "merry merry" with you in the "Blonde Broilers' Burlesque" troupe?
MRS. SCHUYLER: Were you one of the Blonde Broilers?
PHIL: Sure, I was the fellow that came out in the last act disguised as a bench.
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Finally remembering him.) Oh, you dear old Benchie!(They embrace.) And I used to come in and sit all over you.
PHIL: That's how I came to fall in love with you.
MRS. SCHUYLER: A man always thinks more of a woman when she sits on him.
PHIL: Do she?
MRS. SCHUYLER: She do.
PHIL: Come and sit on me now.
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Coyly.) Oh, you fascinating devil.
PHIL: Ah, go on—ah, sit on me. (Business of sitting—nearly flopping—finally getting on his knee.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: You're not the bench you used to be!
PHIL: You're not the sitter you used to be.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Remember the night you let me flop?
PHIL: I couldn't get into my part at all that night. I kept saying to myself: Phillip, be a bench, be a bench; but when I felt you near me, all the benchiness left me. When you sat on me, I put my arms about you, like this. (Does so.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: Ah—how it all comes back to me now! When you would put your arms about me, I would close my eyes and make believe it was Otis Skinner. (Business.)
PHIL: And then before all the crowd, I kissed you so. (He illustrates as PAUL enters with ROSE from arbor.)
PAUL: (Seeing PHIL and MRS. SCHUYLER.) Well—(They break apart.)I'm surprised!
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Works PHIL around to hide him first, then turns him around to PAUL.) You wouldn't be if you were as used to it as I am.
PAUL: (Aside to PHIL.) What did I tell you to do?
(PHIL seizes MRS. SCHUYLER and runs her into house—she saying:"What's the idea," etc., till off.) (Sunset falls upon scene.)
SONG—PAUL and ROSE—"My Little Persian Rose." (ROSE exits at end of song.)
PAUL: (Left alone.) I won't let her marry him. (A girl passes, crying out "Persian Plums—who will buy?")
PAUL: Persian Plums—Mrs. Schuyler said the old Sheik had such a passion for them, they might prove his death. Here! Girl—let me have a basket. (Hands her a roll of money.) There! (As he comes down with plums, the girl exits.) But she said whoever was caught sending him any would suffer the penalty of death. (Gets idea and calls off.) Phil—Phil! (Moonlight effect. As PHIL enters, anxiously, PAUL extends the basket of plums to him.)
PHIL: (Taking plums, greedily.) Oh thanks, I was starving—
PAUL: (Stopping him as he is about to eat.) Here—here—they're not for you. Quick—take them to the palace of the old Sheik Abu Mirzah.
PHIL: But I left him asleep in his bed, sir.
PAUL: Well, place them where he'll see them when he wakes, and (ominously) don't let anyone catch you with them, for the country is full of revolutionists and it might mean death.
PHIL: (Trembling.) My death! Is there any other little thing I can do for you?
PAUL: No. (Several pistol shots are heard. PHIL drops plums and starts to run into house. PAUL catches him by the hair—business.) You coward! I'm surprised! Go to the Palace of the Abu Mirzah. (He places basket in PHIL's hands.) Go!
(As PHIL backs off with plums, he bumps into a fierce lookingPersian who enters. PHIL starts and has comedy exit. The Persianis the Emir Shahrud, who has disguised himself as DOWLEH the chef.DOWLEH grinds his teeth at PAUL, who runs off.)
(DOWLEH sneaks over to house mysteriously—sees someone coming, and then runs and hides behind rosebush.)
(Now, moonlight floods scene. MRS. SCHUYLER enters in evening gown with LETTY and BETTY. Waiter enters and sets two tables.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: Turn up the lights!
LETTY: Our last night in Persia.
MRS. SCHUYLER: I've ordered my "paflouka" out here. (MRS. SCHUYLER crosses to rosebush and, DOWLER jumps out at her.) Mercy—how you scared me!
DOWLEH: Fatima!
MRS. SCHUYLER: Now, I'm a cigarette!
DOWLEH: You are cruel to me—the noble Prince of Persia, who just to be near you, disguised himself as a cook.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Prince, I eat your cooking—that's kind enough.
DOWLEH: (Business.) Yes, I love you so that one day I hear a lady say you paint your face—I put a secret poison in her food—she took one taste—in ten seconds, she die.
MRS. SCHUYLER: It serves her right for telling the truth.
DOWLEH: Come! Fly with me!
MRS. SCHUYLER: Oh Prince, I've flown so much in my days, there isn't another flap left in me. (Throws him off.) Go—serve my "paflouka!"
DOWLEH: You throw me down—very well—I will be revenged. (Grinds his teeth in her ear.) Mmmm-ha!
MRS. SCHUYLER: (With start, holding ear.) He bit me. (The girls come down as DOWLEH goes off bumping into DUDLEY, who enters in dress clothes—he swears at DUDLEY, in Persian and exits.)
DUDLEY: (To MRS. SCHUYLER.) Oh Lena—if it's you that has made him mad, I'd advise you not to taste any of his food again.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Why?
DUDLEY: I just heardhe'sunder suspicion of having put poison in a lady's food, which killed her in ten seconds.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Ten seconds! Then it was true. (Waiter enters with "paftouka.") Oh my beautiful paflouka—and it smells so good.
DUDLEY: But Lena—youdaren't touchit unless you get someone to try it first.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Will you?
DUDLEY: Excuse me. (She turns to the three—they all decline.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: Oh, if heaven would only send some unsuspecting imbecile to taste my paflouka for me—(PHIL backs on from grape arbor—looking to see if he's being followed.) Heaven has sent it hither. (She steps PHIL's way. As he bumps into her, he starts.) Hello!
PHIL: (After start.) Hello.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Why, what's the matter?
PHIL: Oh, I'm faint—for food.
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Aside to others.) Oh, it's a shame to do it. (ToPHIL.) How would you like to "paflouka" with me?
PHIL: (After business.) No—before I do anything else, I must eat.
MRS. SCHUYLER: To "paflouka" is to eat.
PHIL: Well—hurry—let's do it.
MRS. SCHUYLER: (To waiter.) Now, Mousta place my "rakoush" before him.
PHIL: (As waiter places soup and roll before him.) Oh, it looks like soup.
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Crossing to him.) I always start with something hot.
PHIL: (Takes spoonful.) It is soup! (As he goes for second spoonful, they hold his hand.)
WARNING: Could not break paragraph: MRS. SCHUYLER: (Counting.) One—two—three—four—five—six— seven—eight—nine—ten—(Looking at him.) How do you feel?
PHIL: (Completely puzzled.) Well, I can't say I feel just full yet.
DUDLEY: Go on, take a bite of roll.
PHIL: Thank you! (He takes one bite—as he goes for second bite, DUDLEY holds his hand—as they all count ten. Looking from one to another.) Say, what is this—a prize fight?
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Looking at him closely.) (DUDLEY takes roll fromPHIL.) It's all right—he still lives—I feel better now.
PHIL: I'm glad of that. (He starts to take another spoonful of soup.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: Mousta, bring my rakoush. (Just as PHIL gets spoon to mouth, MOUSTA grabs it out of his hand and crosses with soup and roll to MRS. SCHUYLER, saying to PHIL in Persian: "Rekkra milta suss.")
PHIL: Say, isn't there some mistake? I understood that was my rakoush.
MRS. SCHUYLER: No, dear boy—it's ours. (She starts to eat.)
PHIL: I guess that's what they call to paflouka.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Oh, it tastes good.
PHIL: It sounds good.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Now, Mousta, my bird and salad. (He exits.)
PHIL: I hope the bird's an ostrich. (He hears MRS. SCHUYLER drink soup.) (Enter MOUSTA—crosses with bird to MRS. SCHUYLER.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: No—place it before him.
PHIL: Yes—put it down—put it down.
MRS. SCHUYLER: No one can cook a bird like Princey.
PHIL: A bird? It looks like an insect! (He sees them approaching him as before and grabbing the bird in his hand starts to make off with it—they seize him and throw him into chair.)
PHIL: (As DUDLEY snatches bird from him.) Say, what kind of a game is this anyhow?
MRS. SCHUYLER: I'll explain. The chef is enraged at me, and as he's under suspicion of having put poison in a lady's food that killed her in ten seconds—
PHIL: (Jumping up in alarm.) Poison?
MRS. SCHUYLER: (With DUDLEY'S help setting him down again.) Yes, so we got you to try my food on—
PHIL: Oh, I see—I'm the dog.
DUDLEY: Precisely. Now go on—taste that bird.
PHIL: No, thanks—I've had enough.
ALL: (Together.) Go on—commence! (Business of making him taste bird.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: One—
PHIL: (Finishing counting for her.) Two—(To nine.) (As he reaches ten, he sneezes.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: I'm afraid to look. (Business of PHIL tasting bird, then getting idea of pretending to be poisoned, he commences to get a fit.) Help! Bring a chair! (They finally get his feet on chair.) Well, we got him on the chair anyhow.
DUDLEY: He's poisoned—
LETTY and BETTY: We've killed him.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Come on—let's beat it—(They all run off. PHIL gets up to grab all the food, when DUDLEY is heard off, calling "Lena."—He flops back with a jump to same dead position on floor. Finally gets up, grabs all the food and exits. MRS. SCHUYLER re-enters.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: He's gone and he's taken all the food with him.Quick, Mousta, clear away all these things. (Paul enters.)
PAUL: Mrs. Schuyler, I'm really in love with Rose. (DOWLEH enters now in Persian dress clothes.)
DOWLEH: Ah, Fatima—can I see you alone? (DUDLEY enters.)
DUDLEY: Oh, Lena, could I see you alone?
MRS. SCHUYLER: If any more turn up, I'll scream. (LETTY and BETTY run on, carrying a note.)
LETTY: An important letter.
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Opening it.) From my husband.
BETTY: I'm afraid it's bad news.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Bad news! P'raps he's coming home earlier than I expected. (Reads:) "Dear Becky!"
ALL THE MEN: Becky!
MRS. SCHUYLER: Yes, we met at Arverne! "I have heard of your carrying on with four old sweethearts: Had it beenone, I would have killed him quietly and let the matter drop, but four are too many. I shall kill them all and divorce you. Expect me at ten.—Hamilton." Oh, gentlemen, this is awful—Hamilton is unlike most men—he means what he says—
PAUL: (Following.) But surely you can find a few more to help us defend ourselves.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Ah, you don't know Hamilton. When he's angry, an army couldn't withstand him.
DOWLEH: If your husband kills, I will kill him.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Ah, that doesn't worry me—but he may cut my allowance.
DUDLEY: (Following.) Wemustsave you from such a fate.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Save me? You could! If there was one among you brave enough to say: "I am the only guy here ever loved your wife. Killme, but don't cut her allowance."
MEN: (Going up stage.) Excuse me! (Waiter enters with straws in glass, from arbor.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: Ah—straws—the very thing—gentlemen. (Takes them out of glasses.) Come—choose—whoever has the shortest straw is to show his courage and die for me—who is it? Who is it? (PHIL enters—they see him—drop straws—and seize him.)
PAUL: Phil!
MEN: Ah! Welcome to our city. Welcome! Welcome!
PHIL: Is there any little thing I can do for you?
MRS. SCHUYLER: Yes. My husband will be here at any moment to kill these gentlemen and divorce me. You can save us all by saying you are the only old sweetheart of mine here.
PHIL: Excuse me!
MRS. SCHUYLER: Oh, Benchie! Think of your bench days when I used to sit on you—
PHIL: If you'd only sit on me now, I'd feel safer—
PAUL: Now don't be a fool. When he comes, say: "I am the only man here ever had an affair with your wife. What have you to say about it?"
ALL: (Together.) Repeat that now.
PHIL: (In terror.) I am the only man here ever had anything to do with your wife—just like that. (An automobile horn heard.)
GIRLS: Oh, here he is—(They run off. Business of men holding PHIL and finally rushing off as an enormous figure in Persian "get-up" enters.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Picking up PHIL.) Benchie, it's sweet and accommodating of you to die for these three gentlemen—a favor I shan't forget. (From behind the Persian giant steps a midget in swell citizen clothes)—"It's Hamilton—(Mrs. Schuyler picks him up and kisses him.) Oh, Hamilton-I'm so glad you've come. (Crossing to Persian.) And Nehmid Duckin—it is an honor to have the prime minister with us. I'll go for a stroll with you and come back when (Turning to husband) you're through with this gentleman.
NEHMID: (In deep voice.) Is he the one?
MRS. SCHUYLER: Yes—you're looking great. (Takes his arm.)
NEHMID: So are you! (In deep tones to PHIL.) And now sir, you explain. (Exits with Mrs. Schuyler.) (PHIL stands in terror, thinking a powerful foe stands behind him. In reality, it is the midget husband. PHIL tries to talk. At first he cannot.)
PHIL: (After comedy biz.) I have a wife with an affair—I mean an affair with your wife—what have you to say about it?
MR. SCHUYLER: (In piping voice.) I'm very angry. (PHIL starts—looks up to see where voice comes from—doesn't see anyone—walks and bumps into HAMILTON—rolls up his sleeves.)
PHIL: (Bravely.) What have you to say about it? (Slaps his hand over his mouth.) Don't say a word—I've been waiting for something like you to show up. (He backs HAMILTON off—his hand on his face.)
FINALE: (During this, ROSE enters in bridal costume to be wed toSHEIK. Servant enters announcing his death from eating PersianPlums.
SONG: "Who Sent These Persian Plums?"
Then, final meeting and happiness of lovers and comedy characters and picture as "My Little Persian Rose" is repeated for
Author of "Love Blossoms," "Cohen from Bridgeport,""Before and After," Monologues for Nat M. Wills,Joe Welch, Etc., Etc., Author and Publisher"Madison's Budget."
OLD BLACK JOE . . . . . . . . An ex-slave, eighty years of ageARTHUR MAYNARD. . . . . . . . . Owner of a Kentucky PlantationVIOLA MAYNARD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . His DaughterCHARLIE DOOLITTLE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Her SweetheartEDGAR TREMBLE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . With a heart of stoneMRS. ALICE WILSON. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A frail widowHARVEY SLICK . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . An adventurerFELIX FAKE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . His assistantCHLORINDA SOURGRASS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . A lady of colorCISSIE, LOTTIE, FANNIE,TILLIE, GOLDIE, DORA,MAGGIE, MABEL, GERTIE. . . . . . . . . . . . Invited Guests
DISCOVERED: (At rise of curtain an invisible CHORUS is heard singing "My Old Kentucky Home." Then GOLDIE and other invited girl friends come on stage and sing a MEDLEY OF POPULAR CHORUSES. At conclusion of medley, VIOLA enters from house.)
VIOLA: Girls, do you know why I've invited you all today?
FANNIE: To tell us that you're engaged to be married.
VIOLA: Nothing so fortunate. This is my father's birthday, and I've arranged a little celebration in his honor, and I want you all to participate.
LOTTIE: We won't do a thing but enjoy ourselves.
VIOLA: But there's one dark cloud, girls.
(CHLORINDA enters from house.)
TILLIE: Yes, here comes the dark cloud now.
VIOLA: The dark cloud I refer to is Mrs. Wilson, who calls herself a widow and who has been hanging around father for the last few months in the hope that he'll make her Mrs. Maynard number two.
DORA: The hussy!
MAGGIE: The cat!
VIOLA: I wouldn't care if she loved father, but I suspect that all she's after is his money.
CHLORINDA: His mazuma.
GERTIE: Get on to the African Jew!
LOTTIE: Any woman that wants to fool your father has to get up early in the morning.
VIOLA: Mrs. Wilson sometimes looks as if she stays up all night.(All girls laugh.)
VIOLA: If she only knew that the old plantation is mortgaged up to the roof, I guess she wouldn't be so anxious about marrying father.
VIOLA: (To CHLORINDA.) Well, Chlorinda, what brings you out here?
CHLORINDA: I jes' came out to say dat refreshments am ready in de house if de young ladies am thirsty or hungry.
(CHORUS by ladies of company, then they exit into house. VIOLA remains on stage.)
(CHARLIE DOOLITTLE enters from R. and stealing up softly behindVIOLA, puts his hands over her eyes.)
CHARLIE: Guess who it is?
VIOLA: Is it a human being?
CHARLIE: (Effeminately.) Why, I like that! Of course, it is.
VIOLA: It's Lottie.
CHARLIE: No.
VIOLA: Then it's Fanny.
CHARLIE: No.
VIOLA: Then it must be Lillie.
CHARLIE: No; you silly goose, it's Charlie.
VIOLA: (In disgust.) I thought you said it was a human being?
CHARLIE: Just for that you must sit down on the bench and give me a kiss.
VIOLA: Wait a minute till I go into the house and get a veil. The sunlight hurts my eyes. (She exits at L.)
CHARLIE: (Moving towards R.) That will just give me time to go into the grove and smoke a cigarette. (Exits.)
(Enter CHLORINDA from house. She has a green veil on, which hides her face; she sits down on bench.)
CHLORINDA: Ebery wench on dis plantation has got a fellah 'ceptin me, so I went to a fortune tellah an' she said Ah should sit on dis heah bench ebery day and ah nice fellah would come along. Well, I'se been doing it now for ovah a month an' Ah habent seen no nice fellah yet; in fact, Ah habent seen a fellah of any kind.
(Enter CHARLIE from R.)
CHARLIE: Ah, there, my sugar plum.
CHLORINDA: Ain't he jes' too sweet for anything?
CHARLIE: So you love your baby?
CHLORINDA: 'Deed I do, honey.
CHARLIE: Then lay your beautiful head on my manly breast and let me pour sweet words of love into your ear.
CHLORINDA: Go to it, kiddo. (Business of CHARLIE petting CHLORINDA.)
CHARLIE: And now, ain't you going to, give me a nice, sweet kiss, darling?
CHLORINDA: Help yourself to as many as you want.
(CHLORINDA lifts veil just enough to let CHARLIE touch her lips. He does not, however, notice that she is colored, and is busily engaged hugging and kissing her, as VIOLA enters from house; she is very much surprised.)
VIOLA: Charlie Doolittle, what does this mean? (CHLORINDA raises her veil, then laughs and runs into house.)
CHARLIE: (Discovering his error.) Why, my dear, it's all a mistake;I thought—that is to say—er—
VIOLA: I'm not surprised at your embarrassment. The idea of making love to our colored cook the minute my back is turned.
CHARLIE: If you'll just let me explain—
VIOLA: Explain nothing. I'm going to tell my father how you've insulted me. He doesn't like you, anyhow, and if he ever catches you on the premises, your life won't be worth 23 cents in Confederate money. (VIOLA exits into house.)
CHARLIE: Ain't she the exasperating creature! I declare, she's made me so peevish, I could crush a grape. The idea of telling me her father doesn't like me. Why shouldn't he like me? (ARTHUR MAYNARD appears in back-ground unnoticed by CHARLIE.) But, anyhow, I'm not afraid of her father. Why, if he were to stand before me right at this moment, I'd—
MAYNARD: (Stepping suddenly to the front.) Well, what would you do?
CHARLIE: I'd run like the devil. (Runs off stage at R.)
MAYNARD: I'm going to keep that disgusting fellow off the premises if I have to notify the dog-catcher. (Notices pedestal.) Ever since a tornado knocked that statue off its pedestal, this garden has looked rather bare, so I've put an advertisement into the newspaper, offering five hundred dollars for a suitable statue to take its place.
(Mrs. Wilson enters from R. and coughs gently to attract MR.MAYNARD'S attention.)
MAYNARD: (Turning around.) Why, Mrs. Wilson!
MRS. WILSON: Good morning, Mr. Maynard!
(Both talking at the same time.) This is indeed a surprise. I did not expect to see you as early as this. How are you feeling? Good? That's good. Lovely day, isn't it?
MAYNARD: I have often wanted to ask you, Mrs. Wilson, where is your husband?
MRS. WILSON: I don't know.
MAYNARD: What's that, you don't know where your husband is?
MRS. WILSON: No; you see, he is dead—
MAYNARD: (Laughingly.) I understand. Did he leave you much?
MRS. WILSON: Yes, nearly every night.
MAYNARD: No, no; I mean, did he leave you any property?
MRS. WILSON: Yes, five small children, and believe me, Mr. Maynard, it's hard to lose a husband when you have five children. Do you think I ought to get another?
MAYNARD: No; I think five are enough.
MRS. WILSON: I see you will have your joke.
MAYNARD: Are you fond of horses?
MRS. WILSON: I love horses.
MAYNARD: Well, come down to the stable and I'll show you some of the finest thoroughbreds you ever looked at. (They both exit Right I.)
(Enter HARVEY SLICK and FELIX FAKE at centre; HARVEY carries a heavy blackthorn walking stick.)
HARVEY: Now remember, you're a statue.
FELIX: You're a liar.
HARVEY: Don't call me a liar.
FELIX: Then don't call me a statue.
HARVEY: Don't you understand, the guy what owns this plantation offers five hundred dollars for a statue and I've come to get the money.
FELIX: But what have I got to do with all this?
HARVEY: You're the statue.
FELIX: Go on; I never was a statue in my life.
HARVEY: All you have to do is to get on that pedestal and stand perfectly still.
FELIX: Oh, I just have to stand perfectly still.
HARVEY: That's the idea. Don't move a muscle.
FELIX: But suppose a fly hops on my nose?
HARVEY: Don't notice it.
FELIX: Or suppose some bad boys throw stones at me?
HARVEY: Why, my boy, simply don't notice it.
FELIX: I don't think I want the job.
HARVEY: Why, of course you do. The figure you are to represent is called "Ajax defying the lightning."
FELIX: Oh, a jackass defying the lightning.
HARVEY: No, Ajax; but look sharp, for here comes Mr. Maynard now.Quick, jump on the pedestal.
(HARVEY hands stick to FELIX, who quickly jumps on pedestal and poses in funny position, as Maynard enters from right.)
MAYNARD: (To HARVEY.) Well, sir, what can I do for you?
HARVEY: You advertised for a statue, I believe.
MAYNARD: I did, sir.
HARVEY: Well, I think I've got just what you want—"a jackass defying the lightning."
MAYNARD: What's that?
HARVEY: Excuse me, I mean "Ajax." (Aside, and pointing to FELIX.)That son of a gun has got me talking that way now.
MAYNARD: I'll be pleased to look at your statue.
HARVEY: (Pointing to FELIX on pedestal.) Here it is, sir.
MAYNARD: (After surveying it critically.) What material is the statue made of?
HARVEY: Brass—pure brass.
MAYNARD: I think the statue will suit me except that the nose is a bit too long.
HARVEY: Well, you can easily take off a piece with a hammer and chisel.
MAYNARD: Why, so I can. But here's another objection. Suppose thieves come around some night and steal the statue?
HARVEY: All you have to do is to bore a hole through one of its legs, pass a chain through it and fasten to the pedestal. (FELIX works up this situation by comic mugging.)
MAYNARD: A very good idea. How much do you want for the statue?
HARVEY: Five hundred dollars.
MAYNARD: That's a lot of money, but I think I shall buy it anyhow.
HARVEY: Well, just hand over the five hundred, and the statue is yours. (MAYNARD and HARVEY move to a position in front of the statue. MAYNARD takes a roll of bills from his pocket and in handling them, drops one. As he bends forward to pick it up, FELIX pokes him with the stick, knocking him over frontwards. MAYNARD thinks HARVEY has kicked him.)
MAYNARD: (To Harvey.) What do you mean by kicking me, sir?
HARVEY: Why, I didn't kick you.
MAYNARD: If I hadn't set my heart on owning the statue, I'd call the deal off right now.
HARVEY: (Starting to get a bit angry.) I tell you I didn't kick you.
MAYNARD: Well, don't do it again. Here's your money. (MAYNARD hands HARVEY roll of bills, who counts it and lets the last bill fall on stage. In stooping to pick it up, FELIX pokes HARVEY, causing him to fall over frontwards. HARVEY thinks MAYNARD has kicked him.)
HARVEY: (To MAYNARD.) A joke's a joke, but this is going entirely too far.
MAYNARD: What on earth are you talking about?
HARVEY: You just kicked me.
MAYNARD: I didn't.
HARVEY: You did.
MAYNARD: I didn't.
FELIX: Shut up.
MAYNARD and HARVEY: (Both talking together.)
Don't tell me to shut up. I didn't tell you to shut up. Well, somebody did.
HARVEY: I'm awful thirsty.
MAYNARD: I'll go into the house and get you a glass of wine.
FELIX: Well, hurry up about it.
MAYNARD: (Thinking HARVEY spoke.) I never heard such impudence in all my life. Why, the idea!
(Exits into house.)
FELIX: Yes, the idea.
HARVEY: Well, I got the old fool's money all right.
FELIX: Where's my share?
HARVEY: (Laughing.) Now, who ever heard of a statue having mo-non-ey.
FELIX: But you promised me half of the five hundred dollars.
HARVEY: Well, suppose I did; you don't expect me to keep my word, do you? You'd be a pretty looking sight, carrying two hundred and fifty dollars around with you. Why, I'd have to lay for you in some dark alley and take it away from you. I want you to understand that I'm the wise guy of this combination and if you want any of my money, you've got to take it away from me. (HARVEY has taken a position just in front of FELIX, who is still on the pedestal. FELIX slips his hand slyly into HARVEY'S pocket and takes all the money.)
HARVEY: (Moving to centre exit.) Well, so long, Felix, so long, and remember, Felix, that money is the root of all evil.
(HARVEY exits.)
FELIX: (Holding up roll of bills.) Well, I've extracted some of the root all right, all right. (FELIX exits at right.)
(Big SINGING NUMBER by VIOLA and ladies of company.)
(Then, MR. MAYNARD enters from the house.)
GOLDIE: In behalf of all your friends who are assembled here today,Mr. Maynard, I want to congratulate you on your birthday anniversary.
MAYNARD: Ah, thank you, ladies, I appreciate your good wishes very much.
DORA: I hope you will live to be a hundred years old.
MAYNARD: (Laughing.) I hope so—but why should the Lord take me for a hundred when he can get me at 70?
(OLD BLACK JOE comes ambling in from Right to melody of "Old BlackJoe.")
MAYNARD: Well, Old Black Joe, how are you feeling today?
JOE: Well, Massa, I'se got rheumatiz in the lef' shoulder—an' de lumbago in mah back—an' I don' hear very well—an' ma teeth am troubling me some—an' mah eyes is going back on me—an' mah stomach ain't as good as it used to be—but otherwise, Massa, I'se feelin' as sound as a nut.
MAYNARD: What can I do for you, Old Black Joe?
JOE: Massa, my mind ain't as clear like it used ter be, but der's one thing I ain't never forgotten, and dat is your birthday university, so I'd feel powerful flattered if you would accept these few flowers what I picked myself. (Hands MAYNARD small bouquet.)
MAYNARD: Of all the many gifts I will receive to-day, Old Black Joe, there is none that I will treasure more highly than these flowers.
JOE: Ah, thank you, Massa, thank you.
(OLD BLACK JOE exits to melody of "Old Black Joe.")
GOLDIE: I never could understand, Mr. Maynard, why you always make such a fuss about that nigger, Old Black Joe.
MAYNARD: Old Black Joe may have a black skin, but he's got a white heart and I'll cherish and protect him as long as I have a roof over my head.
GOLDIE: One would think that he had done you some great favor, Mr.Maynard.
MAYNARD: He more than did me a favor. He once saved my life.
CHORUS OF GIRLS: Tell us about it.
MAYNARD: (To melodramatic music.) It was during the days of '61, when brother fought against brother and the Blue was striving to overpower the Grey. On this very plantation, while hardly more than a lad, I was attacked and badly wounded and would have fallen into the hands of the enemy if it had not been for Old Black Joe, who, at the risk of his own life, carried me to a place of safety and nursed me back to health again.
CHORUS OF LADIES: Three cheers for Old Black Joe.
(SONG by Ladies—all exit.)
(Enter CHARLIE at centre.)
CHARLIE: I'm crazy about Viola, but I know she will never marry me unless her father gives his consent. If I only knew a way to win him over. Ah, here comes Chlorinda. Perhaps she can help me.
(Enter CHLORINDA from house.)
CHARLIE: Hello, Chlorinda.
CHLORINDA: Miss Sourgrass, if you please.
CHARLIE: What's the matter with Chlorinda?
CHLORINDA: I only allows gentlemen I'se well acquainted with to call me Chlorinda.
CHARLIE: Well then, Miss Sourgrass, do you want to earn a dollar?
CHLORINDA: What's the matter with it?
CHARLIE: There's nothing the matter with it. You see, I'm in love with Viola Maynard, but her father doesn't like me. Now, if you can fix things up so her father will accept me as a son-in-law, I will give you a dollar.
CHLORINDA: Jes leave it to me and in half an hour he'll be so tickled to see you that he'll put his arms around your neck and kiss you.
CHARLIE: That will be splendid.
CHLORINDA: The dollar, please.
CHARLIE: I never pay in advance.
CHLORINDA: No dollar, no kisses.
CHARLIE: (Handing her a dollar.) Oh, very well, but see that you do as you promise.
CHLORINDA: Leave it to me.
(CHARLIE exits at right.)
(MR. MAYNARD enters from house.)
CHLORINDA: Did you hear what happened to Charlie Doolittle?
MAYNARD: I suppose he took a pinch of snuff and blew his brains out.
CHLORINDA: Goodness no; guess again.
MAYNARD: No, I won't. I'm not at all interested in that addlepated, monkey-faced nincompoop. He's after my daughter, but he shall never marry her. Why, if wives could be supported for fifty cents a year, that empty-headed specimen of vacuous mentality couldn't even keep a cock-roach from starving.
CHLORINDA: Don't say dat, massa, for Charlie's uncle has jes' died an' left him fifty thousand dollars.
MAYNARD: (Very much astonished.) How much did you say?
CHLORINDA: Five hundred thousand dollars.
MAYNARD: Five hundred thousand dollars?
CHLORINDA: Yes, sah; five million dollars?
MAYNARD: I always did like Charlie.
CHLORINDA: But you jes' said—
MAYNARD: Never mind what I just said. I was only joking. Here's a dollar to keep your mouth shut.
(MAYNARD hands CHLORINDA a dollar.)
CHLORlNDA: Yes, sah.
MAYNARD: I consider Charlie Doolittle an exceptionally bright young man, and even if he didn't have a dollar in the world I would still consider him an excellent match for my daughter.
CHLORINDA: But you jes' said he couldn't even support a cock-roach.
MAYNARD: Never mind about that. Here's another dollar. (Hands CHLORINDA another dollar.) And now, if you see Charlie Doolittle, tell him I want to see him right away.
CHLORINDA: Yes, sah. (She exits at right.)
MAYNARD: (Looking at empty pedestal.) I wonder what became of the statue? I guess Chlorinda carried it into the barn because it looks like rain. (Enter CHARLIE from right. He coughs to attract MAYNARD'S attention.)
CHARLIE: Are you very angry at me, Mr. Maynard?
MAYNARD: Angry at you, Charlie? Why, how can you only imagine such a thing? Have a cigar.
CHARLIE: (Accepting the cigar with misgivings.) It isn't loaded with dynamite, is it?
MAYNARD: Certainly not. I give you the cigar because I like you,Charlie, and I always have liked you.
CHARLIE: It's very kind of you to say that. (During these speeches, FELIX has sneaked back on the pedestal, still carrying the blackthorn stick.)
MAYNARD: You have only to say the word and you can have anythingI've got.
CHARLIE: Can I have your daughter?
MAYNARD: Why certainly, Charlie. Just say the word and she's yours.
CHARLIE: It all seems like a dream. (Business of FELIX hittingMAYNARD on hat with stick and smashing it in. MAYNARD thinksCHARLIE did it.)
MAYNARD: Now see here, Charlie, as my future son-in-law, I want you to feel perfectly at home here, but there's such a thing as carrying things too far.
CHARLIE: Why, Mr. Maynard, what do you mean?
MAYNARD: I saw you smash my hat just now, Charlie.
CHARLIE: I didn't smash your hat.
MAYNARD: You didn't smash my hat?
CHARLIE: No; I didn't smash your hat.
MAYNARD: Well, somebody did. However, as I was about to remark, you have but to name the day and I'll give my daughter a wedding that will—(FELIX smashes CHARLIE'S hat with stick. CHARLIE thinks MAYNARD did it.)
CHARLIE: Now, see here, Mr. Maynard, I may have straw-colored hair and wear a number fourteen collar, but I object—I very seriously object to having anybody crush my hat.
MAYNARD: I didn't crush your hat.
CHARLIE: I saw you.
MAYNARD: (Getting very angry and shaking fist in CHARLIE'S face.)You say you saw me crush your hat?
CHARLIE: (Backing water.) Well, I thought I saw you.
MAYNARD: (Mollified once more.) Well, that's different. However, it really isn't worth talking about. You know that all I want in this world is to see you happy.
CHARLIE: Then perhaps you can lend me fifty dollars.
MAYNARD: Lend you fifty dollars? Why certainly. Here you are. (Hands CHARLIE the money.) No doubt, you'll be able to pay me back when you receive the money that was left you in the will.
CHARLIE: What will?
MAYNARD: Why, the will of your uncle.
CHARLIE: What uncle?
MAYNARD: What uncle? Why, your millionaire uncle who just died and left you all his money.
CHARLIE: I never had a millionaire uncle and nobody has left me a penny.
MAYNARD: (Wiping perspiration off his face.) What; then you are not a rich man?
CHARLIE: Rich; why, that fifty dollars you just gave me is every penny I've got in this world.
MAYNARD: (Getting excited.) Oh you fraud, you deceiver, you disgraceful beggar; I've a great mind to—(Raises fist as if to strike CHARLIE.)
CHARLIE: (Rushing off at right.) Assistance. Assistance!
(HARVEY comes in at centre and stands in background ground; FELIX is still on pedestal.)
MAYNARD: There is only one way to keep that disgusting dude off the premises. I'll get a savage dog if it costs me a thousand dollars. (Exits into house.)
HARVEY: (To FELIX, who steps off pedestal.) You hear that?
FELIX: Hear what?
HARVEY: He wants a savage dog.
FELIX: Well, suppose he does?
HARVEY: You're the dog.
FELIX: What?
HARVEY: You're the dog.
FELIX: Say, what's the matter with you anyhow? First I was a statue and now I'm a dog. Next I suppose I'll be an automobile or a bag of peanuts.
HARVEY: That's all right. Pass yourself off as the dog and we'll divide the thousand dollars between us.
FELIX: Yes, you'll get nine hundred and ninety-nine and I'll get the balance.
HARVEY: Nonsense; I'll only take what is right.
FELIX: And I'll have to take what is left.
HARVEY: For the love of Mike be reasonable. This is the chance of a lifetime.
FELIX: I'll impersonate the dog if you get me something to eat.
HARVEY: What do you want to eat for?
FELIX: I'm starving.
HARVEY: All right, it's a bargain. You impersonate the savage dog and I'll see that you're well fed. (Both exit at centre.)
(Enter MRS. WILSON, from right.)
MRS. WILSON: I must force a proposal of marriage out of Mr. Maynard today yet. It's true I don't love him, but he's got lots of money, and money is everything in this world.
(Enter CHLORINDA from house, crying.)
MRS. WILSON: Why Chlorinda, what's the matter?
CHLORINDA: I'se just been down to the cemetery.
MRS. WILSON: Well, you ought to laugh.
CHLORINDA: Why, why should I laugh?
MRS. WILSON: It's the people who are in the cemetery and cannot get out who ought to be crying.
CHLORINDA: Dat's all very well, Mrs. Wilson, but I jes' copied some of de inscriptions off de tombstones, and I tells you I feels awful mournful about it.
MRS. WILSON: I don't see why you should feel sad, Chlorinda.
CHLORINDA: You don't? Well, jes' listen to some of dese. (Reads from a stack of cards, one tombstone inscription being written on each card.)
"Here lies the body of Michael Burke, who lost his life while dodging work."
"I loved my mother, I hated to leave her, but what can you do with the typhoid fever? "
"Mamma loves Papa, and Papa loves women; Mamma saw Papa with two girls in swimmin'."
"Here lies the mother of 28; there might have been more, but now it's too late."
"Shed a few tears for Matty Mack, a trolley car hit her a slap in the back."
"Here lies my poor wife much lamented. She's happy and—well, I am contented."
"Here lies the body of Martin Brown. He was blown in the air and he never came down."
"Willie Greene, sad regrets—aged 9—cigarettes."
(Enter MR. MAYNARD from house.)
MAYNARD: Won't you step inside the house, Mrs. Wilson—I meanAlice—and have a glass of birthday punch with the other ladies?
MRS. WILSON: Delighted, I'm sure. (Exits into house.)
CHLORINDA: Won't I get punch, too?
MAYNARD: Yes, if you don't get back to your work, you'll get a punch in the jaw in about another minute.
MAYNARD: I hope some one comes along soon with a savage dog. I'd rather go to Charlie Doolittle's funeral than to a picnic. (Looks off toward house.) Ah, there is Mrs. Wilson. How beautiful she is. I think this is my golden chance to propose to her. (Exits into house.)
(Enter HARVEY at centre, pulling FELIX in by chain fastened around his neck. FELIX now wears a dog's head and body.)
HARVEY: (Aside to FELIX.) Now remember, all you have got to do is to act like a savage dog, and after I collect the money from Mr. Maynard, you'll get yours.
FELIX: (Removing dog's head.) I hope I don't get it where I've got this collar.
HARVEY: Oh, you'll get it all right.
FELIX: (Starting to leave stage.) I'm going home.
HARVEY: (Catching him by chain.) Here, here, where are you going?
FELIX: I don't like the way you say, "Oh, you'll get it."
HARVEY: Oh, that's all right. And now whatever you do, act like a dog.
(FELIX tries to nip HARVEY'S leg, but he springs aside and says.)Delighted. Why, you're commencing to feel like a dog already.
FELIX: When do I get something to eat?
HARVEY: Very shortly now.
(Sees MAYNARD coming from house.) Quick, put on your dog's head, for here comes Mr. Maynard.
(Enter MAYNARD.)
MAYNARD: (To HARVEY.) Well, sir, and what can I do for you?
HARVEY: Your servant told me you were looking for a ferocious dog and I think I have an animal that will just suit you.
MAYNARD: Yes, I do want a savage dog, and if you have such a beast we can do business together.
FELIX: (Aside.) Now, I'm a beast.
(HARVEY kicks at FELIX to get him to shut up.)
HARVEY: (Pointing to FELIX.) This animal is so ferocious that if anyone should come across his path at night when he is unchained he would tear him limb from limb.
MAYNARD: (Noticing FELIX.) Is this the dog?
HARVEY: (Rubbing his hands.) Yes, sir, and if you searched the world over, you couldn't find a more savage high-bred animal. He is full of animation.
MAYNARD: (Scratching himself.) I think he is full of fleas. But, tell me, what do you ask for him?
HARVEY: One thousand dollars.
MAYNARD: That's a lot of money.
HARVEY: Not for this dog.
MAYNARD: Perhaps I ought to explain to you what I want the dog for.
HARVEY: I daresay you feel lonely for a companion.
MAYNARD: No, sir; I want a dog for my daughter, sir, to keep off a worthless, good-for-nothing dude who comes pestering around here after her because he knows that her father has a lot of money, and thinks that if he marries his daughter he can move to Easy Street.
HARVEY: I see; he is looking for a soft snap.
MAYNARD: That's it, but I'll fool him. I want a dog that will chew him up into pieces if he ever dares to set his foot inside my garden gate again.
HARVEY: My dog will suit you exactly.
MAYNARD: But a thousand dollars is an awful lot of money.
HARVEY: Not for this animal. In the first place, you never have to feed him.
MAYNARD: What's that! You mean to say that this dog goes without food?
HARVEY: That's the idea exactly.
(FELIX shows signs of disgust. He can work up some funny business by taking off his mask whenever HARVEY and MAYNARD are talking together and quickly slipping it on again when he thinks their attention is directed towards him.)
MAYNARD: Why, it's preposterous. You don't suppose I would keep a dog around the house and never feed him?
HARVEY: I tell you this dog never eats.
MAYNARD: Why, that's cruelty to animals!
HARVEY: Well, if you feel that way about it, you might go out into an empty lot and get some rusty tomato cans and a few pieces of scrap iron and feed those to him.
MAYNARD: Does he enjoy such things?
HARVEY: Certainly he does. In fact, if you were to put a choice piece of juicy tenderloin steak before him right now that dog wouldn't touch it.
MAYNARD: A most remarkable animal.
FELIX: (Taking off his dog mask, aside.) I'm going home.
HARVEY: (Aside, to FELIX.) Shut up or you'll spoil everything.
(FELIX makes a grab for MAYNARD'S leg.)
MAYNARD: Help! Help! Your dog is killing me.
HARVEY: Don't get frightened, Mr. Maynard, he is perfectly domesticated and will eat off your hand.
MAYNARD: Yes; he'll eat off my leg, too, if I'm not careful.
HARVEY: (To FELIX.) Lie down, Otto, lie down, I say. (Kicks FELIX, who lets go of MAYNARD'S leg.)
MAYNARD: (Going quickly out of harm's way, yet delighted.) Just the dog I want—a fine animal. I am sure with him around that Charlie Doolittle won't dare to show his face on the premises.
HARVEY: Better buy him while you have the chance.
MAYNARD: (Taking roll of bills from pocket and counting out the money.) I think I will. Here's the thousand dollars.
HARVEY: And now the dog is yours.
(MAYNARD fastens dog to exterior of dog-house.)
MAYNARD: I hope I have better luck with him than I had with my other dogs.
HARVEY: Why, what do you mean?
FELIX: (In back-ground.) Yes, please explain yourself.
MAYNARD: (Chuckling.) Well, you see my neighbors ain't very fond of dogs and as fast as I get one they either poison him or shoot him.
FELIX: (In back-ground.) I can see my finish.
HARVEY: Well, it won't make any difference with this dog. You can fill him full of bullets and he won't even feel it.
FELIX: (Aside.) No, I'll be dead.
HARVEY: (Continuing.) And as for poisoned meat, why, he would rather have Paris green or strychnine on his meat than salt.
MAYNARD: (Chuckling.) Certainly a remarkable animal. And now, if you will excuse me a minute, I will go into the house and tell my daughter about the dog. (He exits into house.)
HARVEY: (Gleefully.) The scheme worked beautifully and I am just a thousand dollars ahead.
FELIX: (Indignantly.) What do you mean by telling him that I eat tin cans and scrap iron?
HARVEY: Why, that was only a little joke on my part.
FELIX: Oh, it was a joke, was it? And suppose the neighbors fire their pistols at me and riddle me with bullets, what then?
HARVEY: Why, simply don't notice it. Anyhow, don't complain to me, you're the dog, not I, and if the neighbors kill you, that's not my funeral.
FELIX: I can see myself in dog heaven already. And how about my share of the money?
HARVEY: The what?
FELIX: The money. The dough, the mazuma.
HARVEY: The money? Since when do dogs carry money? Ha, ha! That's a good joke. A very good joke. (Exits at R. 2.)
MAYNARD: (Re-enters from house.) And now to see if I can't make friends with the dog.
(FELIX barks furiously at MAYNARD as soon as he comes near.)
MAYNARD: He is just the animal to keep Viola's lover away. I will call her out, and show her the dog. (Calls off to house.) Oh, Viola! (Dog snaps at MAYNARD as latter passes him.)
VIOLA: (From the doorstep of house.) What do you want, father?
MAYNARD: I want to show you the new dog I bought. (Dog barks furiously.) See if you can make friends with him.
(VIOLA approaches FELIX, who leans his head affectionately against her and puts his arm around her waist.)
VIOLA: He seems to like me all right, father.
MAYNARD: I cannot understand it.
VIOLA: Perhaps he doesn't like men.
FELIX: (Aside.) No; I ain't that kind of a dog.
VIOLA: I wonder if the dog is hungry?
MAYNARD: I'll go into the house and get him a bone. (Exits into house.)
(FELIX starts rubbing his dog's head against VIOLA'S hip. She screams and exits into house.)
(CHARLIE DOOLITTLE enters from Right.)
CHARLIE: I haven't seen Viola for half an hour, so I think I'll serenade her.
(Starts in singing chorus of song, "Only One Girl in This World for Me.")
(FELIX howls accompaniment. CHARLIE sees dog, who tries to grab him.)
CHARLIE: I'll get a pistol and shoot the beast.
FELIX: Gee, but he's got a nasty disposition!
CHARLIE: I'll return in two minutes. (Exits at right.)
FELIX: (Unfastening catch that holds him to dog-house.) And I will be gone in one minute. (Exits at Centre.)
(MR. MAYNARD and VIOLA enter from house.)
MAYNARD: Viola, I am worried.
VIOLA: What's the matter, father?
MAYNARD: I am afraid that Old Black Joe's mind is beginning to weaken. Sometimes he sits for hours babbling about the old plantation as it existed in the days of '61.
VIOLA: How strange!
MAYNARD: Only last week a celebrated doctor assured me that if Old Black Joe could but gaze once more on the old plantation as it looked before the War, his mental powers would come back to him as sharp and clear as ever.
VIOLA: I have an idea.
CHARLIE: (Appearing suddenly from Right.) Well, pickle it, because it's going to be a hard Winter.
(MAYNARD starts to chase CHARLIE, who quickly exits.)
MAYNARD: (To VIOLA.) What is your idea, daughter?
VIOLA: I propose that all the girls dress themselves as pickaninnies and indulge in the sports and pastimes of the South before the War, so that Old Black Joe will think he is once more among the scenes of his boyhood days.
MAYNARD: A great idea—and we'll put it into execution at once.
(A PICKANINNY NUMBER BY THE GIRLS LED BY VIOLA. When the pickaninny number is over, "Old Black Joe." ENTIRE COMPANY DRESSES THE STAGE and forms itself into picturesque groupings. Selections by a colored quartette can also be appropriately introduced.)
(Song, "Old Black Joe," by OLD BLACK JOE, company joining in the chorus.)
JOE: Bless me, am I dreaming, or do I see once more de old plantation?
MAYNARD: (Cordially.) The very same, Joe, the very same.
JOE: Why, it seems, Massa, as if a heavy load is lifting from mah mind and de memory of things dat I'se forgotten dese fifty years am coming back to me.
VIOLA: Three cheers for Old Black Joe! (Entire company gives cheers.)
MAYNARD: And now, ladies and gentlemen, on the occasion of my birthday, I also have the honor to announce that Mrs. Wilson has this day consented to become my wife.
(MRS. WILSON steps forward from house and bows to assembled guests in a triumphant way, the guests coldly return her bow.)
(EDGAR TREMBLE enters from Centre.)
MAYNARD: What can I do for you, Mr. Tremble?
TREMBLE: Just one thing, and that is to give me the money you owe me. The mortgage I hold on your plantation for $50,000 is due today and, unless you hand over the money right away, I'll turn you out bag and baggage.
MAYNARD: (Pleadingly.) Won't you give me a few days longer to try and raise the money?
TREMBLE: Not a day, not an hour. I must have the money at once or out you go.
MAYNARD: (Wringing his hands.) I am a ruined man! (Turning to MRS. WILSON.) But at least I will have the consolation of a true and loving companion. (MAYNARD reaches out for her hand, but she draws it away.) Why, what does this mean, Alice?
MRS. WILSON: I fear, Mr. Maynard, that I was never cut out to be a poor man's wife, so I ask you to release me from my engagement. (Walks off stage at Right accompanied by the hisses of the guests.)
TREMBLE: (To MAYNARD.) As you evidently haven't got the $50,000 to pay the mortgage, the plantation becomes mine and I now order you all off the premises.
OLD BLACK JOE: Not so fast.
TREMBLE: (To Joe.) What do you mean by butting in, you black devil?(Sarcastically.) Perhaps you've got the $50,000 to pay the mortgage?
OLD BLACK JOE: No, sah, ain't got no money, but somethin' in mah memory tells me dat I know where some money is hidden.
MAYNARD: (In surprise.) Why, what do you mean, Old Black Joe?
VIOLA: Yes, explain yourself.
OLD BLACK JOE: Well, sah, jes' after de War broke out your father went and hid $50,000 where de Union soldiers couldn't find it.
MAYNARD: (Imploringly.) Can't you remember where the money was hid, Joe?
OLD BLACK JOE: Let me think, Massa, let me think.
VIOLA: Yes, Joe, try and remember.
OLD BLACK JOE: (With a sudden burst of light in his eyes.) I remembers now. He hid the money in dat old tree over dere.
(VIOLA rushes over to tree accompanied by several of the guests.)