A pile of bodies grows as a man wards off a group of black people.EFFECT OF THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION IN KENTUCKY.
EFFECT OF THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION IN KENTUCKY.
A paroxysm uv pain and anguish shot over the old man’s face. Nearest to him stood a octoroon, who, hed she not bin tainted with the accurst blood uv Ham, wood hev bin considered beautiful. Fallin on her neck, the old patriarch, with teers a streamin down his furrowd cheeks, ejackilated,—
“Farewell, Looizer, my daughter, farewell! I loved yoor mother ez never man loved nigger. She wuz the solace uv my leisure hours—the companion uv my yooth. She I sold to pay orf a mortgage on the place—she and yoor older sisters. Farewell! I hed hoped to hev sold yoo this winter (for yoo are still young), and bought out Jinkins; but wo is me! Curses on the tirent who thus severs all the tender ties uv nachur. Oh! it is hard for father to part with child, even when the market’s high; but, Oh God! to part thus—”
And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef, swoonded away genteely.
His son Tom hed bin caressin her two little children, who wuz a half whiter than she wuz. Unable to restrain hisself, he fell on her neck, and bemoaned his fate with tetchin pathos.
“Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children! Farewell faro, and hosses, and shampane—a long farewell! Your increase wuz my perquisites, and I sold em to supply my needs. Hed you died, I cood hev bin resigned; for when dead you ain’t wuth a copper; but to see yoo torn away livin, & wuth $2,000 in enny market—it’s too much, it’s too much!”
And he fainted, fallin across the old man.
“Who’ll do the work about the house?” shreekt the old lady, faintin and fallin across Tom.
“Who’ll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us?” shreekt the three daughters, swoonding away, and fallin across the old woman.
My first impulse wuz to faint away myself, and fall across the three daughters; but I restraned myself, and wuz contented with strikin a attitood and organizin a tablo. Hustlin the niggers away with a burnin cuss for their ingratitood, I spent the balance uv the forenoon in bringin on em too. Wun by wun they became conshus; but they wuz not theirselves. Their minds wuz evidently shattered; they wuz carryin a heavy heart in their buzzums.
Wood, Oh! wood that Seward cood hev seen that groop! Sich misery does Ablishinism bring in itstrane—sich horrers follers a departure from Dimikratic teechins. When will reason return to the people? Eko answers, When?
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
A Conversation with a Loyal Kentuckian, who had Faith in the final Triumph of Democracy.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),January 6, 1866.
I see a lite. Democricy is not that dead karkis its enemies hoped for and its friends feared. My noomerious friends here insisted that ez I wuz growin into the seer and yaller leaf, I shood abandon Dimocrisy, and flote with the current. I cant. Ez troo ez the needle to the pole, so am I to Dimocrisy. Young wimmin flock to marryins, middle-aged ones to bornins, and old ones to buryins, which shows concloosively to the most limited intelleck wat the mind uv each class runs upon. So it is with me. To me Dimocrisy is wife, mother, and child.
I hev diskivered many things sense I hev bin in Kentucky—things wich elevated my deprest heart ez yeast does dough, wich filled my shrunken soul ez wind does a bladder.
The people uv Kentucky wuz all loyal. Doorin the horrible fratrisidle war wich hez rent the proud temple uv liberty into twain, they preserved a strict nootrality. I hed a conversation with wun old patriarch, who asshoored me that he hed never taken sides.
Upon his honor, he asshoored me that, after battles, he rifled the corpses uv both armies, impartially. “Cood any boddy be more nootraller than that?” he asked. “My sons,” sed he, “wuz in the confedrit army. This fact wood hev turned the affections uv a week-minded man in that direction; but when I thot uv the boys, I alluz thot also uv that gellorious star-spangled banner, under wich I hed whipped my niggers and sold their children; under whose shadder I hed men servants, and made servants, and home-made servants born unto me. That banner hed bin my shield. Ef my niggers run off, who so prompt in their pursoot ez the Democratic marshals, wich alluz returned em to me ef it wuz possible? The instooshun wuz guaranteed to me by solemn compermises, wich we cood hev ez often ez we desired. Compermises wuz our best holt. Whenever we wanted anything, all we hed to do wuz to ask for it. The Ablishinists wood object, the Dimocrisy wood draw up a compermise, wich inklooded,ez a rool, twice or 3 times wat we asked, and pass it to save the Union. Sich a Union wuz worth havin, and I opposed all efforts to dissolute it. Hed the South succeeded, I shood hev gone with em; for Kentucky alone—the only nigger State in the North—wood hev bin helpless. Scaldin tears hev I shed when contemplatin the horrors uv war; but I cood do nothin to avert it. Kentucky wuz loyal, but nootral.”
I find down here that the loyal citizens uv Kentucky who hev returned from the confedrit service are not at all discouraged; on the contrary, they are hopeful. Sed one to me (I bleeve he wuz a Kernel under Gen. Forest; indeed, I think he told me he participated in the glorious victory at Fort Piller),—
“Why art thou cast down? Things is workin eggsackly to our hand.”
In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to perseeve it.
“I kin,” sez he. “Lookye, my venerable friend. Is the Northern Dimocrisy still troo?”
“They is,” I replied, “wat few remains. But, alas! war, crool war, hez decimated our ranks five times.”
“How so?” sez he. “None uv your kind uvDemocrats jined in this unholy croosade, and fell afore our deth-deelin swords—did they?”
“Not any,” sez I; “but Kanady and Montana took em afore each draft. That wuz why we wuz so beet at the eleckshuns. For one week-kneed Ablishinist we scared into our ranks, we lost two by emigration; and, unfortunitly, wun half that emigrated starved to deth, and tother half is distribbited in the various States prisons in them lands uv refuge.”
“Still,” sez he, “it matters not. Yoo hev deestricks yoo kin carry in most uv the States. The Five Points deestrick, in Noo York, is ours. Noo Gersey will go back to her allegiance. The new gold States, where so menny uv our friends fled, will send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez 2 devoted to us, Pennsylvany hez several, and the most uv the Northern States will send one or two; and them from the North kin be depended on to go any measure we say. Then”—and he slapped me on the back highlariously—“the niggers is free!”
“Well?” sez I, not seem wat cause for highlarity that wuz.
“Well,” sez he, “them niggers is not nowother persons! We alluz counted five uv em for three in making up the Congressers we wuz entitled to;now they count as white men, wich increases our delegashuns to sich an extent that ef yoo Northern men do half yoor dooty, we’ll hev a majority in Congress. Then, good Lord! the pleasant crack uv the whip shel agin be heard on the plains uv the sunny South. The niggers wont be re-enslaved; but our Legislaters will speedily redoose em to their normal condishun. We shell observe the Constitushnel Amendment strickly and in good faith. The Afrikin shel be free; but the good uv society demands that he shel be under proper guardianship. He wont be allowed to change his location; and the laws uv the States will define his dooties, and give us the power uv enforcin em. He wont be allowed to hev arms, so he can’t resist. Ez he can’t leave a plantation, he will hev to submit quietly to sich rools ez the high-minded planter makes for him, or be shot on the spot, or turned out to die uv starvashun, akording to circumstances. Ef the planter is a unrejenerated child uv damnashun, he will shoot him; ef he is a saint, who hez a southern hope uv a blessed immortality beyond the grave, he’ll restrane his anger, and turn him out to die uv hunger, onless he repents, and comes back humble. Then, they bein free and responsible for theirselves, we ain’t obleeged to take care uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, soit will be really better than it wuz before. I see a gellorious future afore us. Thro the thick clouds uv gloom the brite sun uv hope cheerinly breaks. Say to the Northern Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer. Agin they shel lick our hands; agin they shel eat the crumbs that fall from the National table.
“Thank God for the Northern Dimocrisy, with the other blessins He has given the South. With niggers to do our manual labor for nothing, with Northern Democrats to do our votin at almost the same price, we are trooly a favored people. Bless the Lord for the nigger and the Democrat, wich is both useful to us, each in his speer!”
I drew encouragement from his remarks. The deep vane uv pious thankfulness wich run through his discourse was nateral to him. He is a trooly pious man, and wuz just back frum the meetin uv the Synod uv one uv the Southern churches, wich still persists in quotin Onesimus and Hayger. I feel encouraged. O, Dimmycrats uv the North, let us
“Our vigger renoo,And our journey pursoo,”
“Our vigger renoo,And our journey pursoo,”
“Our vigger renoo,
And our journey pursoo,”
and I feel shoor that success will at last crown our efforts.
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
A Vision.—Celebration of the Anniversary of the Taking of New Orleans.—In the Vision the Spirit of Andrew Jackson appears, and discourses of Various Things.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),January 12, 1866.
We had sort uv a celebrashun uv the 8th day uv Janooary at the Corners last nite. My meetin house wuz gorgeously decorated for the occashun; the walls bein hung with confedrit battle flags, and on the corners of the pulpit wuz placed two skulls uv Yankees, picked up at Andersonville by one of the guards, who is now a loyal citizen uv this State, residin at this pint. These skulls wuz illuminated by placin a taller candle inside uv each uv em. The effect wuz inspirin. The guard who contributed em, is, I need not say, a conservative Democrat, and in the matter uv swearing at Ablishnists he displays more talent, and hez a more comprehensive range uv oaths, than any man I everknowed. The church wuz also decorated with mottoes, furnished by myself and others, uv wich the followin is some uv em:—
“The Yoonyun ez it wuz—under Bookanan.”
“The noble dead uv Kentucky—them ez fell pintin their guns north we’ll alluz remember.”
“Our returned soljers—beaten, but not conkered.”
“Niggers and northern Dimocrisey—we’ve lost the first; thank God, the latter is ours forever.”
I hevn’t time nor space to give, in full, the perceedins uv the evenin. Suffice it to say, at 12, precisely, the company broke up, and sich uv em ez were able, departed. I remained. There wuz suthin in the refreshments wich indoost me to stay; in fact, I coodn’t conveniently get out from under the table, where I hed fallen.
While peacefully sleepin the sleep uv innosence, my unfettered sole went orf on a explorin expedishen into the land uv dreams, and I dreamed.
Methawt that we wuz celebratin the anniversary uv the battle uv Noo Orleans, on a heavier skale than the wun just closed. We hed, at our festive board, all the grate lites uv Dimocrisy. There wuz Fernandy Wood and his brother Ben, and Dan Voorhes, and the grate Valandigum and FrankPeerce, and Bookanon hed consented to emerge from his saint-like retirement, and meet with us. The South wuz represented by sich noble Dimocrats ez Yancy, and Toombs, and Wigfall; in short, it wuz a reyoonyun uv old-time Dimocrats, met not only to honor the memry uv Jackson, but to consult ez to the best method uv savin the yoonyun from the rox uv Abolishun onto wich it seems now to be driftin.
The gileless Bookanon wuz President uv the evenin, and Breckinridge Vice President, and toasts wuz drank ez follows:—
“The ancient Dimocrisy—troo to the country, ez long ez there is an office to be filled.”
Response by Fernandy Wood.
“The President uv the evenin—the last Dimocratic President uv the Yoonited States.”
Mr Bookanan rose to respond, but he wuz overkum, and sank back, his eyes suffoozed with tears. In a voice broken with emoshun, he intimated that he wuz in daily expectation uv bein translated, ez Elijer wuz, in a barouche with two white hosses. “White,” he repeated; “for ef the team is black, I won’t go; I’ll die the nateral way fust.” “My frends,” sed he, “keep my mantle out uv the hands uv the Jews. Wher is the Elisha who’ll wear it?”
“The yoonun ez it wuz, the constooshun ez it is, and the nigger where he ought to be.”
Response by Breckinridge, who sed he hed bin four years fightin the battles uv the Dimocrisy, whose prinsiples wuz happily set forth in the sentiment. Beeten in the field, we must fight it out at the ballot-box.Nil despritrandomust be the motto uv the Dimocrisy.
“Androo Jaxon, the—”
As thus much uv the toast wuz read, there wuz a clap uv thunder heard, wich shook the buildin, and made not only the windows rattle, but the glasses to dance on the table, and the gost uv Androo Jaxson hisself, in the uniform uv 1812, come down through the ceelin. There wuz a frown on his countenance, terrible to behold. Turnin to the company, he remarked that the gate-keeper uv hell must hev slept at his post, for out uv no other Depository cood there be gathered so many villianous countenances. “I perpose,” sed he, “to respond to this sentiment myself.” The Woods slid out uv their seets, under the table; Breckinridge sneaked out uv the church; Vallandigham, with his natural impudence, tried to face it out, but one look from Androo J. finished him, and he slid, and Bookannon triedto git out, but Androo caught him by the collar, and held him.
“I hev suthin to say to yoo. The chair yoo wunst disgraced, I okkepied, called to it, ez yoo wuz, by the voice uv the peeple. I swore to preserve the constitooshen and the yoonyun, and so did yoo. I did it, and yoo didn’t. When South Carliny undertook to nullify, I bustid the arrangement, becoz I didn’t propose to hev the yoonyun I fought for in two wars go down to death, when a particle uv pluck, put in at the right time, cood save it. Yoo mite hev dun the same, but yoo woodent. Yoo took the seat for the purpose of bustin it; for one term of the Presidency yoo agreed to destroy the Government.
“What are yoo here for?” shouted the gost in a terribly sepulkral tone, and a stampin his feet and grittin his teeth. “To celebrate the battle uv Noo Orleans? Yoo stole the livery uv Jaxon to serve Calhoon in. Under the shadder uv my name, yoor dooing deeds wich, ef I wuz in the flesh, I’d hang yoo for. How I wished, in ’60 and ’61, I cood revisit the earth. I’d hev histed yoo out uv the seat yoo disgraced, and never hev let Linkin hed the credit uv puttin down a rebellion. It wood hev bin lively for some uv yoo. I’d hev ornamented thetrees with your karkises; the Southern buzzards wood hev grown fat on secesh korpses.
“Go back, yoo idiots—go back to your first love. Get the wool out uv your teeth, and try to think more uv your country than yoo do uv a yaller girl. Yoo kin yit repent. A. Johnson, whose initials is the same ez mine, runs over with mercy, or he wood hev hung the half uv yoo. Repent and be saved. There is a slite chance for yoo yit. The dyin theef wuz pardoned on the cross, wich ought to be encouragin to yoo, for yoo hev longer time left in wich to repent, and the Lord knows yoo need it. But ef yoo will go on in yer iniquity, do it on yoor own hook. Don’t take my name in vain no more. I hevn’t nothin in common with yoo, nor never had. Yoo yoosed to follow me, the same ez a drove uv jackals alluz follers a lion, to devour the hides, and bones, and offal that he despises. The lion hez gone hentz, and yoor takin his skin, and are trying to imitate his roar. The skin hangs loose upon yoo, and the roar is a miserable squeak. Never let me hear of yoor celebratin any more uv my doins. I go.”
And in another clap of thunder, the gost ascendid through the roof agin.
I awoke. A cold sweat wuz a standin on my intellectooal brow, and a mortal shiverin shook me.I wuz alone in the church, under the table where I originally fell, and around me wuz skattered, in confusion, the remnant uv the feast. I thot to myself, ef sich wuz the effect uv a dream uv the gost Jaxon, wat wood ensoo ef he shood be raised from the dead, and visit the Dimocrisy in the flesh. Then wood my prayer be continooally, “Good Lord, deliver us.”
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
A Plan suggested for the Up-building of the Democracy.—The Idea not New, but one which the Leaders of the Fierce Democracy have acted upon from the Beginning.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),January 27, 1866.
Halleloogy! halleloogy! halleloogy! I see a lite! It beams onto me! It penetrates me! It fills me! Goy to the world!
I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the Dimocrisy. I seed it yisterday. I wuz a wanderin on the neighborin hills, a musin onto the cussednis uv humanity ez exemplified in the person uv the grocery keeper at the Corners, who unanimusly refoozed to give me further credit for corn whisky, wich is the article they yoose in this country to pizen theirselves with. He asshoored me that he hed the utmost regard for my many virtues; but he diskivered that the one he prized the most I hedn’t so many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker.Therefore the account mite be considered closed. Then, for the fust time in my life, I bleeved in total depravity.
While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark cloud wich fell across my pathway, and the fall uv the Dimocratic party, I came onto a party of men borin for ile. Then the trooth flashed over me. Their operations showed me the way to success—the shoor path to triumph.
“When,” said I to myself, “when men seek gain they bore for it. They go down—never up.” Even so with the Dimocrisy. We dug downward, downward, downward, through all the strata uv society. We went through the groceries; the next stratum was the most ignorant uv the furiners; then we struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below them, the heft uv the people uv Noo Gersy; then Southern Illinoy and Indiana; then Pike county, Missouri; and so on. We never went upward for converts, cause ‘twant no use. When a man wanted to jine us he alluz hed to come down. We got lots of converts.
There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft uv Democrats who wuznt born in the party hev slid down; to wit:—
Quarter dollar smiles.
15 cent nips.
10 cent drinks.
5 cent sucks.
A flat flask conceeled.
A bottle openly.
Dimocrisy.
We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we hev now kills off our voters too fast; and the tax on whiskey forced two thirds uv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on their feet they jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuz no lower stratum to dig into, and give up in disgust.
But I hev deskivered that lower stratum—I hev found it; and when the idea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, I shouted Halleloogy! The nigger is the lower stratum; and ef we bore down to it, and work it thoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty years’ lease uv power.
We must cultivate the nigger.He must hev the suffrage! It is a burnin shame, that, in this Nineteenth Sentry, in the full blaze uv intelligence, livin under a Deklarashun which declares all men “free and ekal,” that a large body uv men shood be denied the glorius privilege uv bein taken up to the poles and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is henot taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv em own property? Is he not amenable to all the laws, even ez we is? Then why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a vote? Ah! why, indeed?
“But this is Ablishnism!” methinks I hear a obtoose Dimocrisy observe in horrer. “And why give them votes who will use em agin us?”
My gentle friend,willthey use their ballot agin us? Ef I know myself, I think not. Kin they read? Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv em rather degraded and low than otherwise? Methinks. Aint that the kind uv stock we want, and the kind wich hez alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz bin agin us. Every skool master is a engine uv Ablishnism; every noosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked God there wuzn’t a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo spoze a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite ez him in Congress year after year?
Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pass, givin representashen to voters alone. The Democratic States will hev more members uv Congress and more electoral votes than afore the war; and them States we kin depend on.
But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them niggers ain’t needed in the South. We’ll send em North. A few thousand will overbalance the Ablishun majority in Noo Gersey; fifty thousand will bring Ohio back to the fold; the same number will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the country is saved—we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pit the Ablishnist dug for us he’ll fall into hisself; the club he cut for us will break his own head.
Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez perceded from Nazareth. The nigger smells sweeter to me now than Nite bloomin Serious; he is more precious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones. He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He shel lift me into a Post orifis. We must give our Afrikin brother,—for is he not a man and a brother?—not only the suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give it to him. I want Garrit Davis to instantly interdoose a bill into the Senit givin each family a quarter section uv land, a pair uv mules, and a cook stove; and each female Afrikin brother two flarin calico dresses and a red bonnet. I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more than two hours, so that it will stand some chance uv passin. On second thought, I guess someother man hed better interdoose the bill, as the Sennit hez got into sich a habit uv votin down everything he proposes, that they’d slather this without considerin it, on jineral principles.
Then we’ve got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it’ll take twenty years afore the Ablishinists kin edjukate em up to the standard uv votin their tikkit; and even that time won’t do it if we kin git the tax taken off uv whiskey, so that we kin afford to use it ez in the happy days uv yore.
Goyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new temple uv Dimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two niggers, and hev bin shakin hands and enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev met. Its rather hard for an orthodox Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is rather wrenchin on the conshence. But what uv that? The Dimocrat who hez follered the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich a triflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich glorious results.
“There’s a lite about to gleem,There’s a fount about to streem,Wait a little longer!”
“There’s a lite about to gleem,There’s a fount about to streem,Wait a little longer!”
“There’s a lite about to gleem,
There’s a fount about to streem,
Wait a little longer!”
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
Enjoys a Vision of the Next World, seeing therein many Curious Things, which are published as a Warning to Politicians.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),February 5, 1886.
Last nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at precisely half past eleven, after eatin a rather light supper for that time uv night. I alluz make it a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I’m gittin old, and my digestive faculties ain’t what they was when I wuz young. Alas! we who hev lived out the best part uv our days, wat wood we give to be set back to the time when, with our faculties unimpaired, we cood consoom a good square meal without fear uv consekenses! But
“Them happy days is fled,And never will return.”
“Them happy days is fled,And never will return.”
“Them happy days is fled,
And never will return.”
A hellish scene -- a man labelled 'States Rights' flounders in a river.NASBY’S DREAM OF THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY.
NASBY’S DREAM OF THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY.
I paid my respecks to 2 mince pies, a pair uv pig’s feet, some cold tongue, and a plate uv tripe,follered by a half dozen dough nuts and a couple or more uv glasses uv hot whisky punch; and singler ez it may seem, it didn’t set well. I dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt at all pleasant. Methawt I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It was a singler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this world and the next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every deceest spirit hed to cross it. The water wuz suthin like that uv the Dead Sea. A man, unencumbered with anything, cood walk on it, but they sunk down in it if they wuz loaded, accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother side uv this Jordan wuz heaven; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the 1st wuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which took all them ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins above water.
On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils, who flung onto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross their failins, and weaknesses, and iniquities.
General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the flood. He hed on a life preserver, labelled “States Rights,” but a peert little devil stuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the gas with wich it wuz filled smellin horribly. Down he went, and ez hesunk, they commenced peltin him with packages labelled “Treason,” “Perjury,” and “Murder,” and John C. went under.
Old James Buckanon went next. The old gentleman didn’t keep above water as long ez a able bodied man could hold a bar uv red hot iron in his hand. He made one splash, when a weight labelled “Treason” struck him, and down he went. The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in charge had a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge at him, but that one wuz sufficient.
Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see no one make a motion at him, but he sunk all the same. “We never waste effort,” sed Satan to me; “he carries enough natural cussedness about him, all the time, to sink him, without pilin any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old.”
Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter. He wuz immediately seezed, and on each leg wuz tied a weight labelled “Kansas,” and they flung him in. He went down like a shot, and that’s the last I seed uv him.
Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed over safely. Nothin wuz flung at him, for wich I asked the reason.
“Why,” sed Satan, “the poor old man isn’t accountable.He commenced to talk many years ago, and keeps on talkin because he really don’t know when to stop. I could hev sunk him, but the fact is, I woodent endoor what the Senit uv the Yoonited States hez hed to, for the past few years, for a dozen uv Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I’m gettin more from Kentucky now than I am really entitled to. I’ve a mortgage on two-thirds uv that State.”
Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered the flood ez though they were sure uv goin through all right. With a inimitable chuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperienced devils, and sed, “Leave em to me,” and at Ben he hurled a package uv the New York News, wich swashed him down instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin to reach the other shore, he flung onto him an assortment uv weights, labelled “Lotteries” and “Riots,” which took him down to the arm pits, and finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz written “Mayoralty,” and down he went; at wich His Majesty drew a sigh uv relief.
Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked unto him,—
“This war hez bin a rather profitable thing for you.”
“Nothin to speek uv,” sed he. “The leaders uvthe Southerners were, sum uv em, honest, and got through on that account, and the rank and file were ignorant wretches, who ain’t accountable, no how. The leading copperheads uv the North were mine, anyhow, from the beginnin. Any man who cood sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must, yoo will acknowledge, hev hed a long career uv iniquity to fit em for sich a sin. Why,” sed he, “do yoo think I use all the shot I hev? Not any. Them yoove seen piled on were used because, bein the last, they were on the top uv the pile.
“Any quantity uv yoor party escaped me. Them fellows who are yet votin for Jackson I’ll never git, and the most uv them ez alluz votes unscratched tickets will dodge me. Their innocence protects em. It takes a modritly smart man to be vishus enuff to come to me; he hez to hev sense enuff to distinguish between good and evil, cussednis enuff to deliberately choose the latter, and brains enuff to do suthin startlin in that line. Dan Voorhees, uv Injeany, hez all these qualities developed to a degree wich excites my profound respect. Between him and Fernandy Wood its nip and tuck. Fernandy did wicked things with more neatnis than Voohees, but for a actual love uv doin em Voohees beets the world. I sed,” continued he, “that the war wuzn’tuv much yoose to me. I repeat it; it wuz a damage. Afore the war, I hed my own way, pretty much, in the Southern States. For every octoroon, I cood count on at least two planters, and under the patriarkle system uv Afrikin slavery (wich, by the way, wuz one uv my most brilliant consepshuns), octooroons multiplied with a rapidity pleasin to behold. But now, alas! the octooroon bizness is done, and my best holt is gone. I hev some little hope, however. The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger I didn’t think they possest. Ef they kin only git strength enuff to elect the next President and re-establish slavery! The thought fills me with unutterable joy. The redoosin of the nigger to bondage agin wood give me a clean title to evry last one who helped to do it, and in gittin em back into their normal condishun (by the way, that’s another phrase uv mine), ther’d be enuff slaughterin and murders to satisfy several sich Satans ez I am. I’d help em ef I knowd how, but I can’t improve on either their speekers or writers, and ez long ez men will do my work gratis, I don’t see the yoose uv interferin.”
At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to push me into the stream, and in the struggle, I awoke. My dreem wuz o’er, but the impreshun remained. “Kin it be,” mused I, pensively, “thatwe are doin the devil’s work, and are we to be finally rewarded in the manner I saw in my vision? Ef so, hedn’t I better quit and repent?”
But I thought agin, that however it mite be for younger men, it wood be uv no yoose for me. I hed voted the strait ticket for thirty years, and the ten or twelve years I hed to live wuz too short a time in which to repent successfully uv sich iniquity. So I sank into sleep agin, this time dreemin that I had turned Fenian—hed elected myself Hed Center for the Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin $75,000 in a magnificent plantashun.
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
Onto a Soldier, wich wuz wunst a Dimekrat, but is now a howlin Ablishnist, wich I saw a limpin about on one Leg, hevin left the other at Anteetam.
Bloo-koted monster! thou wentest forthArmed with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet,Whose peeked eend with Southern blood is wet:I hate thee, tool and minyun uv the North!Thou wast a Dimekrat: them kote and pants,The wavin flag, the gun with peeked eend,Turned yoo into a Abolishn feend,Who sucked the blood uv Dimekratic saints.Monster unnachral! by niggerism hatched,Thousands and more uv Dimokrats yoo’ve slain,Who’ll never rally to the poles againTo vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched.Avant! the work yoo did our party is undoin:To us yoor kote uv bloo is jest bloo rooin!
Bloo-koted monster! thou wentest forthArmed with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet,Whose peeked eend with Southern blood is wet:I hate thee, tool and minyun uv the North!Thou wast a Dimekrat: them kote and pants,The wavin flag, the gun with peeked eend,Turned yoo into a Abolishn feend,Who sucked the blood uv Dimekratic saints.Monster unnachral! by niggerism hatched,Thousands and more uv Dimokrats yoo’ve slain,Who’ll never rally to the poles againTo vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched.Avant! the work yoo did our party is undoin:To us yoor kote uv bloo is jest bloo rooin!
Bloo-koted monster! thou wentest forth
Armed with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet,
Whose peeked eend with Southern blood is wet:
I hate thee, tool and minyun uv the North!
Thou wast a Dimekrat: them kote and pants,
The wavin flag, the gun with peeked eend,
Turned yoo into a Abolishn feend,
Who sucked the blood uv Dimekratic saints.
Monster unnachral! by niggerism hatched,
Thousands and more uv Dimokrats yoo’ve slain,
Who’ll never rally to the poles again
To vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched.
Avant! the work yoo did our party is undoin:
To us yoor kote uv bloo is jest bloo rooin!
The Situation.—The Attempt of the President to wheedle Democrats into Supporting his Policy without giving them the Offices commented upon.—The Democracy warned.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),February 15, 1866.
I hev had hopes uv Androo Johnson. My waitin sole hez bin centred onto him for a year back. He wuz the Moses wich I spected wood lead the Democrisy out uv the desolate Egypt into which we hev bin making bricks without straw for five long weary and dreary years. O, how I hev yearned for Johnson! O, how I hev waited, day after day, and week after week, and month after month, for some manifestation uv Dimocrisy wich is satisfactory—suthin tangible—suthin that I cood take hold on.
Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen; wich is all right so furez religion ez concerned, but uv no account in politix. A friend uv mine, who wuz a monomaniack on the subjick uv faith, undertook to live on it, under the insane belief that ef a man had faith pork wuz unnecessary. Wuz the experiment a success? Not any. When he commenst the trial he weighed 200; in a week he wuz down to 125; and in fourteen days he slep in the valley!
I hev bin livin on faith for a year or more, and I too am thin. My bones show; light shines through me; I am faint and sick. Oh, for suthin that I can see and feel—suthin solid!
Our Dimocratic noosepapers are supportin Androo Johnson. They claim that his polisy is our polisy; that he is ourn, and we are hizn. They are singin hosanners to him. At his every act they exclaim Halleloogy! in chorus. What is it all about? In what partikeler hez Androo Johnson showed hisself to be a Dimokrat? In the name uv Dimocrisy let me ask, “Where is the offices?” Who’s got em? What is the politikle convickshuns uv the wretch who is post master at the Corners, and who only last nite refused, in the most heartless manner, to trust me for postage stamps? Who is the Collectors, the Assessors, et settry? Are they constitooshnel Dimokrats? Is Stanton, and Seward, andWelles histed out uv the cabinet, and Vallandigum, and Brite, and Wood apinted in their places? Not onct. Every post master, every collector, every assessor, every officer, is a ablishinist, dyed deeply and in fast colors.
Faith without works is a weak institution; its like a whisky punch with the whisky omitted, wich is a disgustin mixter uv warm water and sugar. What is it to me (who hev bin ready to accept any position uv wich the salary wuz sufficient to maintain a individooal uv simple habits) who is beheaded, so ez I don’t get a place? Androo Johnson may cut off offishl heads ez dexterously and proofoosely ez he chooses; but my sole refuses to thrill when I know that Ablishnists, though uv a different stripe, will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are kept out, what care I who hez the places? Paul may plant and Apollus water; but uv what account is the plantin and waterin to me ef I don’t get the increase? I take no delight in sich spectacles. Ef Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimockrat,—ef he desires the honest, hearty support of the party,—let him seel his faith with works.
I visited Washington with the express purpose uv seein the second Jackson. I am a frank man, and I laid the matter afore him without hesitation. I toldhim that the Postmaster at the Corners wuz opposin his policy and aboosin him continually; that it wuz a outrage that men holdin place under the Administration should not sustain the Administration. In the name uv Right, I demanded a change.
I sposed that to wunst the position would be offered to me; and after protestin a sufficient time that I did not wish it, and would prefer the apintment of some more worthy man, I should accept it, and go home provided for three years. Imagine my deep, my unutterable disgust, when he told me that he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood make a change,provided he could find, in the vicinity, some original Union man who would accept the place!
Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that in him we had no lot nor part.
Our principles are uv a very comprehensive nature. We are willin to endorse Andro Johnson, or any other man. We will endorse his theories uv Reconstruction, or any man’s theories. We are elastic, like Injy rubber. The boy who set a hen on a hundred eggs acknowledged to his maternal parent that she could not kiver em; but he remarked he wanted to see the old thing spred herself. We have that spreadin capacity. We kin accommodatethe prejudices uv the people uv all the various localities. In Connecticut we are singin John Brown’s body lies a mouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud tone, and supporting a Ablishnist who voted for doin away with slavery in the District of Columby and for the Constooshnel Amendment. In Kentucky we are hangin men uv the John Brown style, and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv the Connecticut nominee. Sich a variety uv principle,—a party uv sich adaptability,—kin hev but one great central idee, on wich there is no diversity uv opinion, and to which all other ideas is subordinate. That idea isPost Office! and ef Androo Johnson could be got rite on that question, we’d care not wat else he required uv us.
We hev our arms around Androo. We are huggin him to our buzzums; but he hez left his baggage to hum. That baggage is wat we want; and we shel fling him off shortly, onless he changes his policy in this respeck. He kin hev us on easy terms; but he must furnish the ammunishun with which to fight his battles. Will he do it? That’s the question a hundred thousand hungry soles, who hanker even ez I do, are daily askin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
The President’s 22d of February Speech.—The Account thereof of One behind the Scenes.—Hopes and Fears of the Democracy.
Washington, February 23, 1866.
I don’t know; but there is a still small voice within me wich whispers, “All is well!” The delusive phantom, Hope, may be playin false with me. The wish may be paternal parient to the thought, and I may be indulgin in a dream from wich I shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened; but it’s my opinion that the day-star uv glory hez arozen onto the Dimocracy; that our night uv gloom is over; and that, at larst, the Government, or at least the only part we care about,—the offisis,—is ourn. I heerd Androo Johnson speak last nite! I stood beside him! I helpt hold him up! Ismelt his breath. It’s all rite!
I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied assortment uv Ablishn abominashens,—the Freedmen’sBurow bill,—notwithstandin there were pints in his message I coodent sanction. The veto wuz heavenly, but his reasons were unsound. When he expressed hisself ez bein determined upon sekoorin the niggers in their rites, I felt fearful that there wuz a honist diffrence uv opinion atween him and Congress wich mite be settled, and then what wood become uv us? Ef the niggers is to hev rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked myself, what difference does it make to us whether they hev em by Charles Sumner’s system (on whose head rest cusses!), or A. Johnson’s? And ez is customary when men ask theirselves questions, I got no answer. Men never ask theirselves questions wich kin be answered.
But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little Sam Cox, and Dan Voorhees, and the Woods, and Tom Florence, and Coyle, and me, hed bin with Androo all day. The Ablishnists avoided him after the veto; and knowin he’d done suthin he wuzn’t quite shoor wuz wise, he needed bracin up, and we wuz ready to brace him. Isn’t it singler that men, when they go to the devil, alluz go in squads? Cox hed him cornered all day, a readin to him extrax from Forney’s Press, and choice selections from Sumner’s speeches; and Voorhees and the otherswuz a intimatin to him that only in the buzzum uv the Dimocrisy cood he find that conjeniality uv sperit so nessary to him; and by the time the serenade wuz ready, he wuz ez full uv venom ez wuz possible, and his capassity in that line is immense.
The company all went with him onto the stand, and my eyes saw the first cheerin vision wich they hev beheld for years. Before us stood ten thousand or more Dimocrats. There wuz the veteran from Lee’s army in his soot uv gray, which hed, by continyood contact with the pavements uv Washington—wich, not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookannon’s time, they don’t sweep—hed become somewhat uv the color uv the clay. There wuz the offiser who surrendered with Johnston, and them noble sons uv Baltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston, who, though they didn’t serve their section in the field, were ardent in their support uv the cause. There were the old-style Dimocrats uv the North, whose faith in Johnson’s Dimocrisy, based upon the scene wich took place at the inauguration, wuz greater than mine, hed come on with their applications for Post Offises, and who jined so heartily in the cheers wich went up for J. Davis: and there, addressin this crowd, wuz a President—the manwho had the appintin power in his hands—who cood make and unmake Post Offisis.
It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go through with it? Wood he lock horns with Wade and Sumner, and dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens? Wood he? He wavered and shrunk back ez he saw the style uv the awdience before him; for he hed bin, for four years, accustomed to better dressed people. But Cox and Florence wuz ekal to the emergency. Samyooel whispered into his one ear, “Whitewash!” and Florence into tother, “Charles the I.!” and flamin up like a conflagratid oil well, he waded it. Then I felt that it wuz all right. Then my soul expanded; and ez he went on, pilin Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usin Tennessee stump slang, improved by a liberal mixter uv the more desprit variety he hed picked up in Washinton and Baltimore, I felt that it wuz indeed well with us. He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dimokrats; and it wuz appreciated. Strippin off all uv the disguise he hed bin a wearin for four years,—washin off, in rage and whisky, the varnish and putty with wich he hed shined up his dullness, and filled up the cracks and cavities wich hed alluz troubled him,—he stood forth ez we knowd him—Androo Johnson! How he did froth and foam! How he did lash hislate associates! and how those Dimokrats who kum to Washinton with petitions for places in their pockets did wink at each other, and poke each other in the ribs, with exultation and jockelarity wich they cood not conceal! And how the Ablishnists, wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in the hope that he wood declare himself in sich a way ez to give em some hope, did walk away sorrowfully and sore, ez tho they felt that they hed a new trouble afore em! And how the soljers uv Lee, and the quartermasters wich hed made Richmond their headquarters doorin the war, did cheer and sling their hats into the air, and in the uncontrollable enthoosiasm uv the moment invariably snatch better ones from the heads uv the Northern men in the crowd! It wuz gorgus.
While His Eggslency’s course gives me hope, I don’t want it to be understood that I am prepared to fully and entirely indorse him. I don’t go much on men who do things in a state uv madnis; neither do I invest heavy in that Dimokrat wich requires an extra load uv likker to make him act and talk like a Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimokrat—a ginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his learnin to read, in his yooth, gave him a preëminence over us in Tennessee, and put him throughthe various places he hez filled. His affinities wuz with us; his style wuz our style, and his habits our habits; and he hed no biznis to ever git out uv the fold. I cannot forgit that he went back on us at a critikle time in the histry uv the party. He saw that the effort the Dimocrisy uv the South wuz makin to regain their rites wood be a failyoor; the aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and refoozed to recognize him; but all this shood not hev affected him. It’s the normal condishn uv the lower grade uv Dimokrats to be snubbed; and they hev no rite to inquire whether anything the aristocracy uv the party propose is goin to be a failyoor or not. It’s their dooty to obey orders without questionin.
Wat spiled Johnson wuz Massachoosits. He pretended to be loyal, and Massachoosits patted him on the back. They took him into good society. They let him associate with Sumner and sich, and the man became infatooated. He got to drinkin high priced drinks, and wearin clean shirts, and begun to ape the manners uv those into whose sphere he hed bin thrown, There wuz these two opposin forces contendin within him—nateral proclivities and acquired tastes—wich may be represented by whiskey out uv a jug, and mint jooleps at Willard’s. Massychoositswuz a pullin him up, and North Carolina wuz equally vigorously pullin him down. He wantid to stay with Massychoosits, but he wuz uncomfortable all the time; and finally nacher asserted her supremacy, and he broke over, and like the water long confined in a dam, when its bustid its obstructions, and goes, it goes with a loosenis, and tears up, and takes a very large quantity uv dirt and drift wood with it.
Before I tie myself to A.J., I want to know fer certin what he proposes to do.Who is to hev the Post Offisis? Is Ablishnists to still retain the places uv trust and profit? Does he propose to organize a new party, made up uv sich Republikins ez he can indoose to foller him and the Dimocrisy? Ef so, I ain’t in. Decidedly, I ain’t in. Emphatically, count me out. For the reason, that he kin git jist enuff Republikins, percisely, and no more, to fill the offisis, and they will be uv sich a character ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I won’t be tail to no kite. We are willin to play kite; but tail, never! Ef we boost Androo Johnson, Androo Johnson must boost us. Does he think we kin carry sich a load ez he is for nothin? Nary. Ef we hev a consoomin desire to git along without offisis, we are doin very well at that now, wethank you; and we haven’t the responsibility uv the Administration uv a eggstremely shaky man to carry. Sich loads must be paid for.
But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself loose from Sumner and Stevens; and in less than a week every Republikin uv modrit sensibilities will be aboozin uv him to that extent that he won’t be able to git back agin. He’s an animal uv the bull kind; and criticism and opposition is to him the red flag wich the Spanish matadors, I bleeve they call em, waves afore the animals they wish to infooriate, and they may drive him into our ranks.
I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git a commission, with the broad seel uv the Postmaster General onto it, confirmin me in the possession uv the Post orifis at the Corners, I shel bless the day that Androo Johnson left us, and prokoored his elevation to the Presidency. May the day be hastened!
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
Another Warning.—Profuse Expenditure of Powder and Torchlight Processions deprecated.—The President implored to show his Hand.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait of Kentucky),February 29, 1866.
I notice, all over the North, the Democrisy is a firin guns, and marchin after brass bands, and hirin halls for endorsin Androo Johnson. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I protest!
In the name uv suffrin Kentucky, uv wich State I am a adopted sitizen, I protest!
In the name uv common sense and ordnary politikle sagassity, I protest!
Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road to Dimocrisy; but, ez yet, what ashoorence hev we? Am I datin my letters from “Post Orifis, Confedrit × Roads?” Hez there bin, as yit, any well authenticated case uv the removal uv a Ablishnist, and the apintment uv a constooshnel Democrat in his stead?Not that I hev heard of. Per contrary, the Ablishnists—them ez wuz apinted by Linkin—are still holdin on, ez calm ez a summer mornin, without any apparent fear uv any change affectin them.
Who pays for the Halls? Who pays the music? Who pays the Powder? Dimocrats who do these scent Post Offises in the distanse. Are they like the the war hoss in Job’s writins, who smelled the battle afar off, and remarked Ha, Ha! to the trumpets? Let me enticet sich that they kin make a better investment uv their means.
The cost uv one meetin, put in korn whisky, wood not only solace theirselves, but start half a dozen Ablishnists on the road to Dimocrisy.
Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo Johnson myself, and principally becoz Vallandigum and Fernandy Wood hev hopes. Them buzzards kin smell carrion a long distance, and they are seldom at fault. In this case, they may be. They base their hopes on Johnson’s speech, at Washington, on the 22d. There may be suthin in it; but ain’t it possible that the stench wich they took for Dimocrisy, and wich they sposed cum from Johnson, ariz from them ez surrounded him?
“But,” sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long continued lack of supplies, hez softened down froma generous crimson to a ghastly bloo, and who woodent hev a small Post orifis at no price, ef it wuznt offered him, “look at the class he spoke to.”
Wat noncents! Androo wuz mad. There wuz a mass uv bile on hiz politikle stumick wich must be got rid uv. He had sum nasty things to say, and it wuz a part uv the eternal fitness uv things that he shood hev a nasty audience to say em to.
I don’t propose to go orf into spasms over the present sitooashun. Johnson proposes to continoo the Freedmens’ Buro, and hezn’t no noshun of repeelin the test oath, or uv drawin the military out uv the Dimocratik States. So far as heard from, we uv the South is still in a stait of abject custitood. Our habis corpuses wich Linkin took away from us hevn’t bin returned, and we are obleeged to git along ez best we kin without em. I knocked down a small nigger yisterday, for the purpus uv assertin the sooperiority uv the Cauchashun race over the Afrikin, and wuz to wunst hauled up afore a Freedmen’s Buro, and fined. Our high-toned and chivalrous members are exclooded from Congris on the frivolus plea that they wuz kernels and briggydeer Ginerals in the Confederit servis; and all these outragisagin Dimocrisy Androo Johnson, by permittin, absolootly approves.
I could probably swaller all these things. I am a Dimokrat uv thirty years standin, and, uv course, hev bin on both sides uv every politikle fence. The seats of my politikle pants is full of slivers. But, before I take down these things, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM GOIN TO GIT FOR IT. Ef Androo Johnson goes back on his party and his pledges, he, uv course, asks us to go back on ourn. In sich transactions, where both parties, by bein engaged in it at all, confess themselves ruther a low grade of skoundrels, I think it well enuff to hev the consideration paid down.
Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the terms. I am his to command, for a consideration; ez much so ez is the thousands uv Demokrats who hev bin, for the past week, gittin up Demonstrations. But I want suthin to go on. When I hev his permisson, under the broad seel uv the Post Orfis Department, to write “P.M.” after my illustrious name, I shell be prepared to wade in. I hev bin huntin up several reasons for supportin him. I hev em all ready. I only want this additional one, and then I fling my banner to the breeze. Faith is sed to be the sun of all religious systems.Post Offisis the central figger in all Democratic creeds—the theme uv conversation by day, and the staple uv dreems by night. How long! oh, how long!
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
Refuses to Support the President, having no Confidence in Him.—Again warns the Democracy.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),March 12, 1866.
The politikle sky is orecast with friteful clouds. Darkness is on the face uv the waters. The waves is a rollin mountin high, the litenin flashes ominous thro the gloom, and the deep-mouthed thunder mutters angrily in the distants. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I look out, and what do I see? I see the old ship uv State loaded down with a valuable cargo uv Post-offices, Collectorships, and sich, a laborin in the trough uv the sea, her bowsprit cove in, her top-gallant lanyards bustid, her jib-boom a flutterin in the gale, her capstan spliced, and her sheet anker torn to ribbons. (Not hevin bin a sailor, only ez a driver on the Wabash Kanal, it is possible my nautikle terms may not be altogether correct. But it makes no difference in theinterior uv Kentucky.) She is strivin to make her harbor, and is workin manfully. Close behind her is the long, low, rakish skooner Dimocrisy, with all sale set, a tryin her best to overtake her and board her. For a time it seemed ez tho she wood be successful, but alas! she is fallin astern, and every minnit the distance between em is a widenin, widenin, widenin, and at present writin there ain’t the remotest prospect uv their gettin within hailin distance uv each other.
To drop mettafor (wich, by the way, I kin jerk when I feel so disposed), the prospect isn’t ez encouragin ez it wuz, and I fear, in fact I feel certain, that the short cut to offis wich the Democrisy thought it had found through Androo Johnson’s veto, is reely the longest way round. I cannot understand what indoost the Dimocratic leaders, our chosin standard-bearers, to make sich egrejus asses uv theirselves ez to place enny dependence on Johnson at all. What cood they hev bin thinkin uv? Wuz not our experience in 1864 sufficient to deter em from makin any experiment wich involved abandonment uv any uv our principles? Didn’t we, in the hope uv ketchin Abolition war votes, nominate MickLellan, and didn’t the war men jeer us, and flout us, and say, “Behold, we hev better war men uv our own; whyshood we leave home to find that uv wich we hev a plenty?” When Androo Johnson, in a fit uv temporary indignashun, split on Sumner, why did our people, like idiots, pick him up, and endorse him without givin the matter matoor considerashun—without waitin for the fax? Didn’t they know that Sumner wuz a sort uv a dose uv calomel, wich worked on the President’s liver, and necessitated the discharge uv all the offensive matter wich hed accumulated doorin his long term uv Dimocrisy? Uv course it wuz, and to-day Androo Johnson, hevin in that speech got rid uv the last vestidge uv Dimocrisy wich infected him, comes up a stronger man agin us than ever. We made two errors: On the 4th uv March, 1865, at his inoggerashun, when he made a spectacle uv hisself, we murmured gently to ourselves, “It’s all right! he’s yet wun uv us.” And we sed the same after the splurge uv the 22d uv February last. Oh, my friends, they wuz both fatal errors. Them spasms wuz the efforts uv a noble nacher a tryin to git rid uv Locofocoism, and from the fact that he immejitely after commenst a missellaneously apintin Abilishnists and Republicans to offises, and hezn’t showed a sine uv a disposition to extend his hand to a single confidin Democrat, it’s my opinion he’s succeeded.
We bet too heavy on the fight atween the President and Sumner. Sumner is ordained to alluz hev a gong uv sum kind, which he is also ordained to keep perpetually a poundin. He’s bin for several years amusin hisself a poundin the Dimocrisy, and when there wuzn’t enuff uv that to make it interestin, he turned on Johnson, and he’ll pound at him till suthin else excites his wrath. He’s a Spanish bull, possessin sharp horns, and a immense amount uv strength and agility, which he is continooally a wastin by jumpin at sich red flags ez are mischeevusly waved afore him. He’s jest ez apt to gore his frends ez his enemies, and his lungin at Johnson wuz no sign that Johnson had gone back on Ablishnism.
But enuff uv this. Sence it hez become a fixed fact that the boorish tailor, who now by accident okkepies the place uv the marter Linkin, made vacant by his untimely death by the hand uv a vile assassin (whose only redeemin trait wuz that he wuz a stanch, uncompromisin Dimocrat),—now, I say, that it’s plain that this drunken sot ain’t agoin to distribute the patronage amongst us who need it so much, I ask, in indignashun, wat is it that we are asked to endorse?
He proposes to continue the Freedmen’s Buro bizness.
He refooses to withdraw the military from the Dimokratic States.
He refooses to restore to our sufferin brethren uv the Dimocratic States the habis corpusses wich the tyrant Linkin wrested from them.
He keeps Jefferson Davis a pinin in a loathsome dungeon, and only refooses to bring him to trial becoz, 4sooth, he haint yet got things in the right shape to hang him.
I cood enumerate other insults and opressions he hez piled upon Dimocrats, but I forbear. I might, if I wuz disposed to harrow up the Dimocratic sole and lasserate the Dimocratic bosom, state how I wuz treated, when, on the 24th uv Febrooary last I made a delegashun uv myself, and went to Washington for the purpose uv layin before him the necessity uv the removal uv the postmaster at the Corners, and the apintment uv myself in his stead. I found that his speech had reached all other parts uv the Yoonited States ez soon ez it hed Kentucky, for there wuz suthin over a hundred thousand stanch Dimocrats there, all with petitions noomerously signed, wich they hed held over from Bookannon’s administration, recommendin uv em to places. How wuz we reseeved? How did Androo Johnson treet us? I mite say how emphatically I wuz shoved out uvhis room, and with what reckless profanity I heerd him remark that Washington had stunk with secesh ever since he vetoed the bill; that that foolish speech had acted on the whole country like a puke, and that each State had spewed its foulest material onto Washington, and that the atmosphere wuz heavy with their breath, et settry, et settry, but I forbear.
Suffice it to say that the few Democratic members uv Congress had hard work borrowin money enuff to git the most spectable uv the crowd home agin, and even then thousands uv em who wuz drawed there by that speech, shoor uv apintments, wuz obliged towalkhome ignominiously, uv whom I wuz which.
Androo Johnson may be worthy uv Dimocratic support, but he hez a queer way uv showin it. I know not wat others may do, but ez for me and my household I’ll run after no strange gods. Ef he wants us, let him call on us in language wich we kin understand.
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.