Presides at a Church Trial.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),June 9, 1866.
They hed a ruction in the church at the Corners yisterday, wich bid fair to result in a rendin uv the walls of our Zion, and the tearin down uv the temple we hev reared with so much care and hev guarded with so much solissitood. When I say “we,” I mean the members thereof, ez the church wuz reorganized sence the war by returned Confedrit soljers and sich Dimokrats ez remaned at home nootrel; but inasmuch ez I am the only reglerly ordained Dimokratic paster in these parts I ginerly conduct the services, and hentz hev insensibly fell into a habit uv speekin uv the church ez “my” church, and I feel all the solissitood for its spiritooal and temporal welfare that I cood ef I wuz reglerly ordained ez its paster, wich I expect to be ef I fail in gettin that post offis at the Corners,wich is now held by a Ablishnist uv the darkest dye, wich President Johnson, with a stubbornness I can’t account for, persistently refooses to remove.
The case wuz suthin like this:—
Deekin Pogram wuz charged by Elder Slather with hevin, in broad daylite, with no attempt at concealment, drunk with a nigger, and a free nigger at that, in Bascom’s grocery, and to prove the charge Deekin Slather called Deekin Pennibacker.
The Deekin wuz put onto the stand, and testified ez follows:—
“Wuz in Bascom’s grocery a playin seven up for the drinks with Deekin Slather, Hed jist beet the Deekin one game and hed four on the second, and held high, low, and jack, and wuz modritly certin uv goin out, partiklerly ez the Deekin didn’t beg. Wuz hevin a little discussion with him—the Deekin insistin that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv the best two in three, jest ez though a man cood afford to play five games between drinks! The ijee is preposterous and unheard of, and ther ain’t no precedent for any sich course. We wuz settlin the dispoot in regler orthodox style—he hed his fingers twisted in my neck handkercher, and I held a stick uv stove wood suspended over his head. While in this position we wuz transfixed with horror at seeinDeekin Pogram enter, arm-in-arm with a nigger, and,—”
The Court.—Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother Pennibacker?
Witness.—Certainly.
The Court.—The scribe will make a minnit uv this. Go on.
Witness.—They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm, walked up to the bar, and drank together.
By the Court.—Did they drink together?
Witness.—They ondeniably did.
By myself.—The Court desires to know what partikeler flooid they absorbed.
Witness.—Can’t say—spose ’twas Bascom’s new whiskey—that’s all he’s got, ez the Court very well knows.
By myself.—The Sexton will go at once to Bascom’s and procoor the identicle bottle from wich this wretched man, who stands charged with thus lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring it hither. The Court desires to know for herself whether it was really whisky. The pint is an important one for the Court to know.
A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be better onderstood by the Court if it wuz a quart. The bottle wuz, however, brought, and the Court,wich is me, wuz satisfied that it wuz really and trooly whisky. Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated my parched throat, I wished that trials based upon that bottle cood be perpetooal.
I considered the case proved, and asked Brother Pogram what palliation he hed to offer. I set before him the enormity uv the crime, and showed him that he was by this course sappin the very foundashun uv the Church and the Democratic party. Wat’s the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin nigger equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told him that Ham wuz cust by Noer, and wuz condemned to be a servant unto his brethren—that he wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy wuz built upon that idea, and that associatin with him in any shape that indicated equality, wuz either puttin them up to our standard or lowrin ourselves to theirn; in either case the result wuz fatal. I implored Brother Pogram to make a clean breast uv it, confess his sin, and humbly receeve sich punishment ez shood be awarded him, and go and sin no more. “Speak up, Brother Pogram,” sez I, paternally, and yet severely.
Brother Pogram, to my unspeakable relief, for he is the wealthiest member of the congregashun, and one we darsn’t expel, replied,—
“That hediddrink with the nigger, and wat wuz more, he wuz justified in doin it, forthe nigger paid for the whisky!!”
“But shoorly,” I remarked, “it wasn’t nessary to yoor purpose to come in with the nigger arm-in-arm,—a attitood wich implies familiarity, ef not affeckshun.”
The Prisoner.—The nigger and I hed bin pitchin coppers for drinks, and I, possessin more akootnis, hed won. I took the nigger by the arm, fearin that ef I let go uv him he’d dodge without payin. They are slippery.
Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst dismist the charge as unfounded and frivolous.
“My brethren,” sez I, “the action of Brother Pogram is not only justifiable, but is commendable, and worthy of imitashun. Ham wuz cust by Noer, and condemned by him to serve his brethren. The nigger is the descendant of Ham, and we are the descendants uv the brethren, and ef Noer hed a clear rite to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the balance uv the boys for all time, we hev ded wood on the nigger, for it is clear that he wuz made to labor for us and minister to our wants. So it wuz, my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power, interferedand delivered him out of our hand. Wat shel we do? Wat we cannot do by force we must do by financeerin. We can’t any longercompelthe nigger to furnish us the means, and therefore in order to fulfil the skripter, we are justified in accomplishing by our sooperior skill wat we used to do with whips and dorgs.
“The spectacle uv Brother Pogram’s marchin into Bascom’s with that nigger wuz a sublime spectacle, and one well calculated to cheer the heart uv the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an encounter where skill wuz required, thus demonstratin the sooperiority uv the Anglo-Saxon mind—he led him a captive, and made uv him a spoil.
“Wood, O wood that we all hed a nigger to play with for drinks! The case is dismissed, the costs to be paid by the complainant!”
The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever. This trial, ez it resulted, is a new and strong abutment—a tall and strong tower.
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
Turns a Meeting, called to Indorse General Rosseau, to Account.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),June 22, 1866.
There wuz joy at the Corners when the Postmaster (who takes the only paper wich comes to the office, ceptin a few wich comes to some demoralized niggers who hev learned to read, and the officers uv the Freedmen’s Burow here) read to the crowd the news uv the canin wich Rosso, wich is uv Kentucky, give Grinnell. It sent a thrill uv joy through the State, wich ain’t done thrillin yet. Bustin out into nine harty cheers, we to-wunst organized a meetin for the purpose uv expressin our feelins on the momentous occasion. The bell wuz rung, the people gathered together, and I wuz elected Chairman (they alluz elect me to preside becoz I’m bald-hedded; they think bald heads and dignity is inseparable), and Deekin Pogram Secretary,with 36 Vice-Presidents—one for each State. I made a short speech on takin the chair, congratulatin em on the auspicious event wich called us together. Whereupon a Committee on Resolutions wuz appinted, wich, after a short absense, reported ez follows:—
Whereas, Genral Rosso, a native-born Kentuckian, and therefore a gentleman, hevin got into a argument with a Iowa sheep-breeder; and,Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the argument, he dextrously turned it into blackguardin; and,Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the blackguardin, he remembered the ancient usages uv the chivalrous sons uv the South, and caned him; therefore, be itResolved, That we, the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit × Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, hereby thank General Rosso for his manly vindication uv the character uv Kentucky.Resolved, That we know not wich to admire the most; the dashin Gineral’s courage in bravin the public sentiment uv the North, or his prudence in selectin the smallest and physically weakest man in the House to demonstrate onto.Resolved, That ez Thad Stevens is 70 years uv age, and lame, and hardly recovered from his fit uvsickness, we suggest that our beloved hero commence a argument with him, feelin that so far ez the argument and blackguardin goes the result will be the same, only so much more so ez to give him a good excuse for killin him, wich wood be doin the South a servis indeed.Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hevent felt so good sence the Memphis riots.Resolved, That this manly act uv Gineral Rosso’s makes up and compensates the South for the outrage he inflicted onto her when he jined the vandal host wich devastated her soil, and that hereafter he shel be receeved with just the same cordiality ez tho he had gone into the Confedrit instid uv the Federal servis.Resolved, That the thanks uv the Dimocrisy are due the bold, brave men who accompanied and stood by General Rosso in this vindication uv the Southern spirit.
Whereas, Genral Rosso, a native-born Kentuckian, and therefore a gentleman, hevin got into a argument with a Iowa sheep-breeder; and,
Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the argument, he dextrously turned it into blackguardin; and,
Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the blackguardin, he remembered the ancient usages uv the chivalrous sons uv the South, and caned him; therefore, be it
Resolved, That we, the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit × Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, hereby thank General Rosso for his manly vindication uv the character uv Kentucky.
Resolved, That we know not wich to admire the most; the dashin Gineral’s courage in bravin the public sentiment uv the North, or his prudence in selectin the smallest and physically weakest man in the House to demonstrate onto.
Resolved, That ez Thad Stevens is 70 years uv age, and lame, and hardly recovered from his fit uvsickness, we suggest that our beloved hero commence a argument with him, feelin that so far ez the argument and blackguardin goes the result will be the same, only so much more so ez to give him a good excuse for killin him, wich wood be doin the South a servis indeed.
Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hevent felt so good sence the Memphis riots.
Resolved, That this manly act uv Gineral Rosso’s makes up and compensates the South for the outrage he inflicted onto her when he jined the vandal host wich devastated her soil, and that hereafter he shel be receeved with just the same cordiality ez tho he had gone into the Confedrit instid uv the Federal servis.
Resolved, That the thanks uv the Dimocrisy are due the bold, brave men who accompanied and stood by General Rosso in this vindication uv the Southern spirit.
I put the affirmative, ez is the custom here, it bein the rool, when the leaders want a thing to pass, never to call for the nays, and it went through all right. Then I arose, and stated I hed another resolution, wich I wished to offer, and I read it:—
”Resolved, That in retainin in the Post Offis, at the Corners, a Ablishnist, President Johnson is—”
At this point Deekin Pogram interrupted me. He spozed this meetin wuz called to congratulate Ginral Rosso, and wat wuz the sense uv mixin up a paltry Post Offis with a matter uv so much importance ez the canin uv a Ablishnist? It was clearly out uv order.
I replied,—
“Woodyoobe glad, or wood this congregashun be glad, to hev me in the Post Orfis in the place uv that Ablishnist?”
The Deekin replied that personally he wood. He had the highest respect for my massive talents and my excellent qualities uv head and heart, and besides, he thought probable, ef I got the Post Orfis, he wood stand a chance uv gettin the nine dollars and sixty-two cents borrowed money I owed him, and—
I called him to order at once.
Bascom, who keeps the grocery, and who furnishes me with likker (wich I hev to take for my hair) on the strength uv remittances I am to receeve, insisted on hearin the resolution ef it wood further my gettin the Post Orfis, and so did the benevolent gentleman with whom I board, and I resoomed,—
“I kin see a good reason for incorporatin a resolooshun demandin a change in the Post Orfis into the proceedins uv this meetin. There wood be, my friends,” sed I, “no yoose uv sendin him a naked resolution demandin this change, becoz he reseeves hundreds and tens uv hundreds uv applications for offices every day; in fact, they pile in at sich a rate that he never opens the half uv them. The Dimocrisy, my brethren, are alive on this subject. Ef they are to support the President, they want, and will hev, the post orifises, for uv what use is it to support a man and pay yoor own expenses? It is plain that the proceedins uv a post offis meetin wood never reach him, but this, my brethren, goes up to him from thepeople, endorsin a supporter uv his policy, and ez it will be the only one he hez reseeved, or will reseeve, he will read it and read it through, and in the exultation he will feel at bein endorsed by anybody, who doubts the result? The Post Orifis is mine.”
Bascom, the grocery keeper, moved, excitedly, the adoption uv the resolution. I suggested that I hed better read it, but he sed it made no difference; he knew it wuz all rite. The benevolent and confidin individooal I board with seconded the motion, and Deekin Pogram supported it in a short speech,statin that he understood that it wuz Brother Nasby’s intention, ef he succeeded in procoorin the position, to devote the first three and a half years’ salary towards payin off the small indebtedness he hed contracted sence he hed honored the town by residin in it. To all uv wich I blandly smiled an assent, whereupon the resolution wuz adopted yoonanimusly. Hevin lived here a little risin uv a year, the vote wuz perfeckly yoonanimous.
My prospex is britenin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
Preaches—The “Prodigal Son”—An Interruption.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),July 6, 1866.
I preached last Sabbath, or rather, tried to, from the parable of the Prodigal Son. We hed a splendid congregashun. I notice a revival of the work in this part uv the Dimocratic vineyard wich reely cheers me. The demonstrashun our friends made in Memphis, the canin uv Grinnel by Rosso, and the call for a Johnson Convenshun in Philadelphia, all, all hev conspired to comfort the souls uv the Dimocrisy, and encourage em to renewed effort. It is bringing forth fruit. Only last week five northern men were sent whirlin out of this section. They dusted in the night to escape hangin, leavin their goods as a prey for the righteous. Six niggers hev bin killed and one Burow officer shot. Trooly there is everything to encourage us.
The house wuz full. The weather wuz hot, andthe pleasant incense uv mingled whiskey, tobacco, and snuff wich ariz wuz grateful to me. The sun shone in on Deekin Pogram’s face ez he gently slept, and when the sun hits him square I kin alluz tell wher he sets, even ef it is dark. He drinks apple-jack instead of corn whiskey, and chaws fine cut tobacker instead uv plug, and consekently when in the pulpit I kin distinguish the pecooliar aroma uv his breath from those around him.
“My brethren,” sed I, “sich uv yoo ez hev Bibles in yoor houses, kin get somebody to read yoo the parable to wich I shel call yoor attention. A man, wunst upon a time, hed sons, ez many men hev since, and wun uv em wuz a tough one. He left his home and went into far countries, makin the old man shel out his share uv the estate, and he lived high, jist, my brethren, ez yoor boys do, or rather, did, when they went to Noo Orleans, in the days when yoo hed a nigger or two wich yoo cood sell to supply em with money. He played draw poker and faro; he drank fancy drinks, and boarded at big hotels; and he follered after strange women, wich’ll bust a man quicker nor any one small sin the devil hez yet invented, ez yoor pastor kin testify. Uv course, his pile give out, and he got down, my friends, did this ingenuous yooth, to rags andwretchedness, and ended in being an overseer uv swine. What did he do? He ariz and went to his father, and the old man saw him afar off, and went out to meet him, and fell onto his neck, and give him a order for a soot of clothes and a pair uv boots, and put a ring onto his finger, and made a feast, killin for the purpose the fatted calf wich he hed saved for another occasion.
“My friends, you kin find in the Skripter suthin applicable to every occasion, and this parable fits the present time like a ready-made coat. The South is the Prodigal Son. We went out from our father’s house on a expedition wich heznt proved altogether a success. We spent our share uv the estate, and a little more. We run through with our means, and hev cum down to rags, and dirt, and filth, and hunger. We are, and hev bin some time, a chawin husks. We run out after them twin harlots, Slavery and State Rights, and they’ve cleaned us out. Our pockets are empty. No more doth the pleasant half-dollar jingle in sweet unison agin its fellows. Our wallets is barren uv postal currency, and the grocery-keepers mourn, and refuse to be comforted, becoz we are not. We hev got to the husk stage uv our woe, and wood be tendin hogs, ef the armies, wich past through these countries, hed left us any.We hev kum back. In rags and dirt we hev wended our way to Washington, and ask to be taken back. Now, why don’t our father, the Government, fulfil the Skripter? Why don’t it see us afar off, and run out to meet us? Why don’t it put onto us a purple robe? Where’s the ring for our finger, and the shoes for our feet? and where’s the fatted calf he ought to kill? My brethren, them Ablishnists is worse than infiddles—while they preach the gospel they won’t practise it. For my part, I—”
At this point a sargent, belongin to that infernal Burow, who wuz in the awdience, with enough uv soldiers to make opposin uv him unpleasant, sed he hed bin a sort uv an exhorter in his day, and desired to say a word in explanation uv that parable, ez applicable to the present time; and, sez he, “ef I am interrupted, remember I b’long to the church military, wich is, just now, the church triumphant.” And cockin his musket he proceeded, very much uninterrupted.
“The prodigal son,” sez he, “wuz received by the old man with considerable doins, but, my worthy friends, he went out decently. He didn’t, ez soon ez he withdrawed from the house, turn around and make war onto the old gentleman—he didn’t burn his house and barns, tear up his garden, burn his fences, andknock down the balance uv the children. Not any. He went away peaceably, amisguidedgood-for-nothin, but yet apeaceablegood-for-nothin. Secondly, he come back uv his own akkord. The old man didn’t go after him, and fight for four years, at a cost uv half his substance, to subdue him and bring him back, but when he hed run through his pile, and squandered his share uv the estate, and got hungry, he came back like a whipped dog.
“My friends, let me draw a small parallel between these cases.
“The Prodigal Son went out,—so did the South,—thus farly the cases is alike.
“The Prodigal didn’t steal nothin. The Confederacy took everything it cood lay its hands on.
“The Prodigal spent only what wuz his to spend. The Confederacy spent not only all it stole, but all it cood borrer, when it knowd its promises to pay wuzent worth the mizable paper they wuz printed onto.
“The Prodigal, when he did come, come ez penitent ez the consciousness that he hed made a fool uv hisself cood make him. The Confederacy wuz whipped back, but it still swears hefty oaths that it wuz right all the time.
“The Prodigal didn’tdemandveal pot-pies, andpurple robes, and sich, but begged to be a servant unto the more sensible brethren wich stayed. The South comes backdemandinoffice, uv wich the fatted calf, and rings, and purple robes is typical, and considerably more share in the government than it had before it kicked over the traces, and went out like the lost tribes uv Israel.
“Spozn the Bible prodigal hed stopped his parient, and remarked to him thus: ‘I am willin to come back, on conditions. Yoo must pay my debts—yoo must give me an ekal share uv the farm with the other boys—yoo must treat me in all respecks just ez ef I hadn’t gone out, and—this is essential—yoo must take with me all the sharpers who ruined me, all the gamblers and thieves with whom I fell in while I wuz away, and make them head men on the place; and above all, I hev with me the two harlots wich wuz the prime cause of my ruin, and they must hev eleven of the best rooms in the house, and must be treated ez your daughters. To avoid displeasin the others, I’ll dress em in different clothes, but here they must stay. Otherwise, I’ll go out agin.’
“Probably the old gentleman wood hev become indignant, and would hev remarked to him to go, and never let him see his audacious face agin, orrather, he would hev strangled the harlots, scattered the blacklegs, and choked the young sprout into submission. Them’s me. I am anxious to kill that fatted calf, and am also anxious to put on yoo robes and shoes. But, alas! the calf suffered from want uv attention so long doorin the late misunderstandins that he’s too poor—the robes wuz all cut up into bloo kotes for the soljers we sent out to fetch you in—the shoes they wore out, and the rings—Jeff’son Davis wears the only style we hev. When you come back in good shape, yool find us ready to meet you; but till then, chaw husks!”
Lookin around, this armed tyrant remarked that there would be no more preaching that day, and sadly the congregation dispersed.
I’m heart sick. At every turn I make that Burow stares me in the face, and counteracts my best endeavors. It’s curious, though, what different sermons kin be preached from the same text, and it’s also curious how quiet our folks listen to a ablishnist who hez muskets to back him.
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church of the New Dispensashun.
A Pleasant Dream, the Philadelphia Convention being the Subject thereof.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),July 28, 1866.
My dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin the past five years, hevent bin overly pleasant; indeed, they hev taken more the shape uv hideous nitemares than anything else—Linkin, Grant, Sherman, and armies dressed in blue, figurin extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision wich more than repaid me for all I hev suffered heretofore. I hed bin at the Corners assistin in inauguratin a new grocery. The proprietor wuz a demoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker surreptitiously in Maine, among them Ablishunists, and consekently hed no idea uv the quantity a full grown Kentucky Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv. His entire capital with which he proposed to commence biznis wuz one barrel uv new corn whiskey,and some other necessaries, and ez a starter, to make the acquaintance uv his customers, he announced one free nite, and invited the entire community. His invitashun wuz considered generous, and we met it in the same noble sperit—in a more nobler sperit than the confidin and ignorant man desired, in fact; for when we got through, in about 38 minits, there wuzn’t a drop uv the whiskey left, and while the new grocery keeper wuz a rollin uv us out, he wuz cussin hisself for a fool. He didn’t open agin; he consoomed his stock in trade in givin the blow-out to sekoor customers. His stock, like A. Johnson’s Unionism, didn’t survive an inaugerashen.
I succumbed in a fence corner, and overpowered ez I wuz, slept
“A sweetly dreamin—Dreamin the happy hours away.”
“A sweetly dreamin—Dreamin the happy hours away.”
“A sweetly dreamin—
Dreamin the happy hours away.”
Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August had arriv. There wuz a glorious assemblage, ez Doolittle sed, uv the brains and hearts uv the country, and I may add, ez I and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv the bowels likewise. The Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward present, engineerin uv it. On one side uv him Inotist, in my dream, a shadowy bein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a melonkoly look, with one hand a layin on his shoulder, a tryin to take him out uv the hall, while another bein, with wings like a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a twistin uv him jest ez he desired. I notist that this last mentioned bein hed hoofs, wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in great glee. The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward’s ear, whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-PresidentFranklin Pierce, be chairman; upon wich the shadowy bein in white unfolded her wings, and flew away, castin at William the most sorrowful look I ever saw, the hoofed and tailed individooal laughin tremendous. The Ex-President took the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from each State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My buzzum swelled with emoshen ez that list wuz read; it wuz more like an old-fashioned Democratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard for five long years. I heard the honored names uv Toombs and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and Rosso, and Dandridge and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven and Pollard, Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like him uv old—“Mine eyes hev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace.” Nothin but the certaintythat I wood at last hev that Post Offis at the Corners kept me from goin up. Singler ’tis wat slender ties hold us to earth!
The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees—two on each from the South and one from the North, wich wuz consiliatin. I wuz put on the committee on credenshals, Randall, the Postmaster-General, bein the Northern representative. We hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on us, so many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours to decide what shood be the proper qualification for a place. Finally we agreed to admit ez delegates,—
From the North—all Dimocrats who had bin arrested by Linkin’s minyuns; all officers who hed resined rather than to serve in a Ablishun war, and all Republikins who cood show a commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and (this wuz considered necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin to take his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything A. Johnson hed did sence Janooary, ’66 (ceptin sum small items wich wuz specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he mite do.
From the South—all who cood show a officer’s commission in the late Confedrit army; all who had receeved a pardon from A. Johnson, and allwho hed lost their niggers in an unholy war, wich inclooded all present.
This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took their seats, and the grate work uv Reconstructin the Yoonyun commenced. Garret Davis wanted to make a speech, and a hall wuz hired for him in another part uv the city, and fifty or sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand a word uv English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Five kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie to, hed bin rolled in the hall, and most uv em stayed seven hours and a half.
In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz edifyin. Doolittle wood make a motion, and Vallandigham wood second it. Forrest made a speech, and Randall indorsed it. Seward and John Morrissey were on the Committee on Resolutions, and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They resolved that,—
Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days each; andWhereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections viewin things each from its own stand-pint, instead of viewin things from the other’s stand-pint; andWhereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly the North; andWhereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history, hed thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old position in the Government—nay, more, to take more than her old share in the trouble uv runnin the Government; therefore be itResolved, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it wuz.Resolved, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed our system uv Government, in legistatin while eleven sovereign States is unrepresented, is pizen.Resolved, That we view with alarm the manifest determination uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin power uv the Government, and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to check their centralizin schemes by vetoin all they may do.Resolved, That all traces uv the late onpleasantnessmay be wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the citizens uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective Governments, so-called, to carry muskets, cum together, particklerly them on wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv the disputes that ensood.Resolved, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes, change the names uv Murfreesboro’, Gettysburg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez Smithboro’, Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them places may be remembered no more forever.Resolved, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses wich hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension rolls the same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise; and that the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez the debt incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint.Resolved, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered, worthy uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson.Resolved, That the safety uv the Government demands that sich ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more unpleasant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to be admitted.Resolved, That there shall be gushen confidences, we freely forgive the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv his little bell doorin the late unpleasantnis, believin that he viewed things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody else’s, wich alluz causes trouble.
Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days each; and
Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections viewin things each from its own stand-pint, instead of viewin things from the other’s stand-pint; and
Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly the North; and
Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history, hed thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old position in the Government—nay, more, to take more than her old share in the trouble uv runnin the Government; therefore be it
Resolved, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it wuz.
Resolved, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed our system uv Government, in legistatin while eleven sovereign States is unrepresented, is pizen.
Resolved, That we view with alarm the manifest determination uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin power uv the Government, and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to check their centralizin schemes by vetoin all they may do.
Resolved, That all traces uv the late onpleasantnessmay be wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the citizens uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective Governments, so-called, to carry muskets, cum together, particklerly them on wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv the disputes that ensood.
Resolved, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes, change the names uv Murfreesboro’, Gettysburg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez Smithboro’, Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them places may be remembered no more forever.
Resolved, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses wich hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension rolls the same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise; and that the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez the debt incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint.
Resolved, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered, worthy uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson.
Resolved, That the safety uv the Government demands that sich ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more unpleasant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to be admitted.
Resolved, That there shall be gushen confidences, we freely forgive the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv his little bell doorin the late unpleasantnis, believin that he viewed things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody else’s, wich alluz causes trouble.
At this pint His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by Secretary Wells on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukanan in front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich a cheering I never heerd. Hats wuz slung into the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they advanced up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin wich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd before em. They took their position on the stage, Gen. Buell holdin over em a Fedral flag, and Genral Henry A. Wise,uv Virginny, a Confedrit flag, both wavin em to the music uv two bands; one a playin Dixie, and the other Yankee Doodle.
At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into the hall, and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv President Johnson. In my dreem I heerd him murmur, “There wuz me, and Adams, and Gefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon, and, good God! Johnson! Faugh!” and I notist that George spit ez tho’ suthin in his mouth didn’t taste well. In fact, the Father uv his country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out uv the hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool boots ez he shot thro’ the sky-lite.
There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I was at the Post-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin hed commenced work, and the supporters uv the constitushun were reseevin their commissions ez postmasters ez fast ez four hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I pressed forward, Randall hisself give me mine. “Take it, my venerable friend,” sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; “take it. No more shall that Demokrat in your township who takes a paperreseeve it contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin radical.”
Five men stand solemnly while the ghost of Washington looks on.NASBY’S DREAM OF THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION.
NASBY’S DREAM OF THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION.
At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a reality! Will I only git that postoffis in a dream.
Petroleum V. Nasby,Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
The Reward of Virtue.—After Months of waiting, the Virtuous Patriot secures his Loaf.—The Jollification.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),August 12, 1866.
At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weary trips to Washington, after much weary waitin and much travail, I hev got it. I am now Post Master at Confedrit × Roads, and am dooly installed in my new position. Ef I ever hed any doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paul the Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch myself a feelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years ago, another look, and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I doubt his Democrisy, I look at that blessed commission, and am reassured, for a President who cood turn out a wounded Federal soldier, and apoint sich a man ezme, must be above suspicion.
I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received acirkler from Randall, now my sooperior in offis, propoundin these questions:—
Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in all that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may hereafter do?
Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convenshun will be a convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and devoted to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid country?
Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle, Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and bestest, and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist men that this country hez ever prodoost?
Doo yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place reserved in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and the hottest for Sumner and Thad Stevens?
Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso?
Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid assumption uv power by a secshnal Congris?
Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that (eleven states bein unrepresented) all their actsare unconstooshnel and illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin salaries?
Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans unpleasantnesses wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and besotted niggers, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens uv those properly reconstructed cities.
Are yoo not satisfied that the African citizens uv Amerikin descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal law wich governs labor and capital?
Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent. uv yoor salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable Congrismen in the disloyal states North?
To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went afore a Justis uv the Peace and took an affidavit to em, forwarded it back, and my commission wuz forthwith sent to me.
There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread rapidly through the four groceries uv the town, and sich anuther spontaneous outbust uv joy I never witnessed.
A parade!SUPPORTERS OF “MY POLICY” IN PROCESSION.
SUPPORTERS OF “MY POLICY” IN PROCESSION.
The bells rung, and for an hour or two theCorners wuz in the wildest stait uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated each other on the certainty uv the acceshun uv the President to the Dimocrisy, and in their enthoosiasm five nigger families were cleaned out, two uv em, one a male and the tother a female, wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuz organized as follers:—
Two grocery keepers with bottles.
Deekin Pogram.
Me, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it written, “In this Sign we Conker.”
Wagon with tabloo onto it: A nigger on the bottom boards, Bascom, the grocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a banner inscribed, “The Nigger where he oughter be.”
Citizen with bottle.
Deekin Pogram’s daughter Mirandy in a attitood uv wallopin a wench. Banner: “We’ve Regained our Rites.”
Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun.
Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles, fallin out by the way side.
Citizens, two and two, with bottles.
Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a nigger skool, in a stait uv wreck, with a ded niggerlayin on top uv it, wich hed bin captoored within the hour. Banner: “My Policy.”
The perceshun mooved to the meetin hous, and Deekin Pogram takin the Chair, a meetin wuz to wunst organized.
The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv his life. He wuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed friend, becoz he appreciated the noble qualities wich wuz so conspikuous into him, and becoz his arduous services in the coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the posishun. All these wuz aside uv and entirely disconnected from the fact that thare wood now be a probability uv his gittin back a little matter uv nine dollars and sixty-two cents (“Hear! hear!”) wich he hed loaned him about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed him well, or larned to luv him. But thare wuz anuther reason why he met to rejoyce to-nite. It showed that A. Johnson meant bizness; that A. Johnson wuz troo to the Dimokrasy, and that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv offishl thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies, and to make fight in earnest; that he wuz goin to reward his friends—them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend’s bein put in condishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Cornersthe little sums he owes them is a good thing (“Hear!” “Hear!” “Troo!” “Troo!” with singular unanimity from every man in the bildin), but wat wuz sich considerashuns when compared to the grate moral effect uv the decisive movement? (“A d——d site!” shouted one grocery keeper, and “We don’t want no moral effect!” cried another.) My friends, when the news uv this bold step uv the President goes forth to the South, the price uv Confedrit skript will go up, and the shootin uv niggers will cease; for the redempshun uv the first I consider ashoored, and the redoosin uv the latter to their normal condishun I count ez good ez done.
Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered with emoshun to speak. For four years, nearly five, the only newspaper wich come to that offis hed passed thro’ the polluted hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed no partikler objecshun to the misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv tyranny, and so long ez he sot there, he reminded em that they were wearin chains. Thank the Lord, that day is over! The Corners is redeemed, the second Jaxson hez risin, and struck off the shackles. He wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that he loaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood be paid out uv the first money—
Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called the Squire to order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk sich talk. No man cood feel a more hart-felt satisfaction at the appintment uv our honored friend than him, showin, ez it did, that the President hed cut loose from Ablishnism, wich he dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire undertakin to git in his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht him his licker for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the first dig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never—
The other three grocery keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram rooled em all out uv order, and offered the followin resolutions:—
Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner, relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a sound constooshnel Demokrat—one whom to know is to lend; therefore, be itResolved, That we greet the President, and, ashoor him uv our continyood support and confidence.Resolved, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction, so far ez this community is concerned,completed, and that we feel that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations with the federal government.Resolved, That the glorious defence made by the loyal Democracy uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white men shel rule America.Resolved, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the Government for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin anybody.
Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner, relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a sound constooshnel Demokrat—one whom to know is to lend; therefore, be it
Resolved, That we greet the President, and, ashoor him uv our continyood support and confidence.
Resolved, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction, so far ez this community is concerned,completed, and that we feel that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations with the federal government.
Resolved, That the glorious defence made by the loyal Democracy uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white men shel rule America.
Resolved, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the Government for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin anybody.
The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with three cheers for Johnson and his policy.
Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there with a note made out for the amount I owed him at three months. Kindness of heart is a weakness of mine, and I signed em all, feelin that ef the mere fact of writin my name wood do em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object to the little laber required. Bless their innocent soles! they went away happy.
The next mornin I took possesshun uv the offis.
A man leans in a chair in a post office, with a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of whisky on the table, and grocery stores visible out the window.NASBY’S DREAM OF PERFECT BLISS.
NASBY’S DREAM OF PERFECT BLISS.
“Am I awake, or am I dreamin?” thought I. No, no! it is no dream. Here is the stamps, hereis the blanks, and here is the commisshun! It is troo! it is troo!
I heerd a child, across the way, singin,—