ACT IISCENE.—Same as Act I.(Two weeks have elapsed since the events in the preceding Act. For alteration of furniture, seenotes at end of play.)(JOHNAYERSandTULLYare seated at a small table downC. JOHNin arm-chair on right of table.TULLYin small chair left of table. They are playing cards.JOHNis dressed in pyjamas with blanket round him as in Act I.TULLYwears a lounge suit and slippers.)(As the curtain risesJOHNis shuffling the cards and dealing for nap.)(PAMELAenters from bedroomR.and then adjusts her hat, looking in mirror by fireplace. She wears the pearl necklace.)(JOHNdeals.)PAMELA. I must say I think it is very good of you, Mr. Tully.TULLY. Beg pardon, Mrs. Ayers.PAMELA. I say it’s very good of you to come and sit with John as you do.TULLY. Oh, not at all, Mrs. Ayers. It’s a pleasure. John’s one of the best, in the world.JOHN(quickly). No, that’s not your card. (Picking up one ofTULLY’Scards and looking at it.) Oh, yes it is. (Putting card down again.)TULLY. But he’s a dirty cheat.JOHN. Heaven helps those who help themselves.TULLY. No, John, we’re here to help others.JOHN. Then what are the others here for?TULLY. To help the others, I suppose.JOHN(calling to hand). Well, I’ll go two.TULLY. Now, Mrs. Ayers, didn’t we stipulate that there were to be no two’s? (ToJOHN.) At two-handed nap you can’t call less than three surely.(They both argue loudly.)PAMELA(looking round). Now don’t quarrel, there’s good children.JOHN. Tully’s a bad loser.TULLY. I’m not. You’re a bad player. How can we possibly call two’s—it’s no game at all.JOHN. Well, I go—three!TULLY. Very good, I pass three.(They play the hand.PAMELAstrolls down, putting on gloves, and watches game.)JOHN. Play to that. I’ll give you “two’s.” That’s one. (Plays again.)TULLY. Trump! Aha!JOHN. I’m not afraid of that.TULLY. You won’t get this. (Plays card.)JOHN. Thank you. (Leads again.)TULLY(takes the trick). That’s another one up against you. (Leads again.)JOHN(takes the trick). Got it! Got it! Got it!(PAMELAcomes down to top of table.)TULLY. Nothing could touch a hand like that.JOHN(teasingTULLY). Yougetthe cards, Tully, but you don’t know how toplaythem.PAMELA. Oh, I think Mr. Tully plays a very excellent game.(They start dealing.)Now just a moment.JOHN. Where are you going?PAMELA. I just want to run round and see how mother is. I’ll leave John in your care, Mr. Tully.TULLY. Certainly, Mrs. Ayers.PAMELA(toTULLY). Would you mind answering the door?JOHN. Answering the door? Of course he will. What’s he here for?PAMELA. We sent the maids away a week ago, they talk so.JOHN. Cook said she knew positively there was nothing the matter with me at all.PAMELA. So I’ve given them a holiday.TULLY. Much the wisest thing to do.PAMELA(toTULLY). If the inspector or the doctor from the ’bus company calls, just ask him in and say I shall not be long. And you, John——JOHN. Oh, I shall get into bed like a flash of lightning.PAMELA. I don’t suppose they’ll come.JOHN(looking atPAMELA). Do you think it’s wise to wear that necklace on these dark nights. You might have it stolen.PAMELA(smiling and displaying necklace). Ah! I’ve been waiting for you to notice it.JOHN. Well, it’s running a risk. I should leave it at home if I were you.PAMELA. Does it look valuable toyou?JOHN. Of course it does.PAMELA. Well, it isn’t—this is only imitation.TULLY. Oh, it looks just the same to me.PAMELA. Mother had the real one copied for thirty shillings, she was so afraid I should lose it.TULLY. That’s very thoughtful.JOHN. Motherdoesknow.PAMELA(posing). But itlooksgenuine, doesn’t it?JOHN. It looks jolly good. (Artfully.) What have you done with therealone?PAMELA. Ah! that’s telling! I’m never going to part with that as long as I live. (Crossing to doorL.). Shall I give your love to mother?JOHN. No!PAMELA. John!JOHN. I mean yes.(ExitPAMELA.)Yes, if you like. (ToTULLY.) That’s the fourteenth love I’ve sent to mother this week.(Door slams offL.)(TULLYshuffles cards.)I don’t mind telling you, Tully, I’m more than sick of this business. I’ve been shut up now for nearly a fortnight.TULLY. But the doctor from the ’bus company ought to have called on you long ago.JOHN. He did call—last Friday week, and I happened to be out. Just my luck. Pam saw him and made some excuse, and he said he’d call again. But he hasn’t been near the place since.(TULLYdeals the cards for nap.)TULLY. Their idea is of course to tire you out.JOHN. And we’vegotto be careful. Did you read about Dick Turner?TULLY. He got his five hundred pounds out of them, didn’t he?JOHN. Yes. But do you know the latest? They’re going to have him up for fraud.TULLY. Oh, dear! dear! dear! What doesMrs.Ayers say about it?JOHN. The Turner case has rather upset her. She’s terribly afraid of the law. If you mention the word she has a panic.TULLY. So you see, good people are the happiest after all.JOHN. But they don’t always look it. (Looks atTULLYwith a grin.) Let me see now, it’s my call, isn’t it?TULLY. No, John, you called last time.JOHN. So I did. You’re quite right.TULLY(jubilant). I’m going nap!JOHN. You’re—going—nap?TULLY. Yes!JOHN(rising). Hark! It’s the doctor—the doctor from the ’bus company. (Flings off blanket and rushes to doorR.,groaning as if in pain.)TULLY(runs to window). There’s nobody there. Desist! (Comes down to doorL.) Desist!(JOHNstops groaning.)There’s nobody at the door—not a sign of anyone.JOHN. Really, are you sure? (Coming to tableC.)TULLY. Quite sure.JOHN(mixing cards up all together). All right! Deal again. Deal again. (Sits.)TULLY(comes to table—looks with disgust at cards, gathers them up and sits). It’s a very funny thing, John, but every time I call nap you imagine you hear the doctor coming. Coincidence, I suppose. (Gives a big sigh.)JOHN. What’s the matter with you, Tully? Have you ever been in love?TULLY(looks and smiles). I was nearly caught once.JOHN. Oh, what was her name?TULLY. Agnes. (Sorrowfully.) She made a vow that if she ever met a really good man she would love him though he be as ugly as sin.JOHN. And she loved you?TULLY. Devotedly.JOHN. Why didn’t you marry the girl?TULLY. She was so expensive.JOHN. They all are. I don’t believe womanwasthe rib of man I believe she was the expendix—I mean the appendix—no use to anybody.TULLY. That’s what makes me so timid. I’m so afraid that one of these days some woman will get me into a corner and make me do something thoughtless. (Cards dealt.)JOHN. I shouldn’t worry about that if I were you. Let me see, it’s my call, isn’t it?TULLY. Yes.JOHN. Well, I pass!TULLY. You pass? Well—I—I—you can’t hear the doctor coming, can you?JOHN. N—o.TULLY. Well, I’m going—nap!!JOHN. What again?TULLY. You haven’t given me a chance yet!JOHN(rises). I have an idea.TULLY. No, no, play this hand first; I’ve called nap.JOHN(searches on tableL.C.). No, it’s not there.TULLY. What are you looking for?JOHN. The—real necklace!TULLY. She wouldn’t leave it about like that.JOHN. You don’t know—she might.(Postman’s double knock heard offL.)(Rushing for bedroom door.) The doctor! The doctor! (The blanket is left in arm-chair.)TULLY. It isn’t—it isn’t the doctor. It’s the postman. It’s the postman. I know his knock.(JOHNgoes out of doorL.,returns with a letter and reads itC.)JOHN(speaking off). Yes! You’re right. There’s a letter in the box. (Enters.)TULLY. I told you it was only the postman.Docome and play this nap out. I’ve got such beautiful cards!JOHN. Hang your nap—this is serious. It’s from little Mamie Scott.TULLY. Mamie Scott? Who’s she?JOHN. You know—your wife!TULLY. Oh, don’t start that again,please!(Rises.)JOHN(reading from letter). “The Rajah declines to wait any longer for his necklace and threatens to place the matter in the hands of the police.”TULLY. Oh, dear! dear! dear!JOHN. You’d better go and tell her the necklace ishaving its clasp repaired and is coming back from the jeweller’s to-morrow.TULLY. Is it?JOHN. Oh, do have a little common sense. I think I know where to find her. Put on your hat and go round to the Five Hundred Club.TULLY. Is that a ladies’ club?JOHN. No—er—mixed.TULLY. No, I couldn’t do that—really.JOHN. Why not?TULLY. I never believed in mixed schools or mixed bathing, and I’m certainly not going to a mixed club at my time of life.JOHN. All you’ve got to do is to ask for Miss Mamie Scott.TULLY. No, no. I’ve never been to such a place as the Five Hundred Club in my life.JOHN. Take your Cheque Book with you. They’ll make you very welcome.TULLY. A great deal too welcome, I expect. No, I couldn’t do it. Why don’tyou go?JOHN. How can I? I’m ill in bed. It’s a hundred to one if I put my foot on the doorstep I should run into the arms of the doctor, Pamela and the whole ’bus company. Ruin, divorce and fraud await me on the doorstep.TULLY. Well, I’m not going.JOHN. Don’t forget you’re in this as well as me; if that necklace is lost you’re a party to it.TULLY. Oh, don’t say that.JOHN. You’ve acknowledged that little woman as your wife. She’s not the sort to be played with.TULLY. Oh, don’t talk like that.JOHN. But I do talk like that.TULLY. Here—take my key—step over the balcony—(pointing to windowL.C.)—get through my window and go out through my flat and come back the same way.JOHN. Along the balcony and through your flat! They wouldn’t see me then. I could do it in twenty minutes in a taxi, couldn’t I?TULLY. Easily!JOHN. Top-hole—that’s splendid!(Exit doorR.)TULLY. There isn’t a soul at home—the maid’s out. (At card-table—calling.) I say, you’ll play this nap out when you come back?JOHN(spoken off). What say?TULLY. You’ll play this nap out when you comeback?JOHN(spoken off). Oh yes!TULLY. I’ll leave the cards just as they are.JOHN(spoken off). Right-o!TULLY. I won’t look at your hand.JOHN(off). All right!TULLY. Do you know this is the fourth nap I’ve been done out of?JOHN(off). Bad luck!TULLY. How long will you be?JOHN(off). About twenty minutes, I should say.TULLY. Somehow I don’t quite like being left here alone.JOHN(off). Why not?TULLY. I have a presentiment of impending disaster.JOHN(off). Say it again!TULLY(shouting). I have an impediment of presenting disaster.(JOHNenters in overcoat, muffler and hat.N.B.—He completes his change after next exit.)JOHN. You do get hold of the most absurd expressions! Now, all we’ve got to do is to keep Mamie quiet until we get this money and then everything will be O.K. (Crossing up to window,L.C.). I’ll be as quick as I can. Which way do I go?(Both by open window upL.C.)TULLY. Just step over the balcony.(ExitJOHNthrough window.)The second window to the right. (Calling afterJOHN.) Mind the geraniums, just step over them and don’t be seen.JOHN(heard off). They’ll take me for a creeper, won’t they?(TULLYstands out on balcony watchingJOHN.)(PAMELArushes in dramatically, closing the door after her.)PAMELA. John! John! The doctor—the doctor. (Rushes across and opens doorR.,calling off.) John! The doctor from the Motor ’Bus Company is coming—John. (Back toC.,moves card-table toL.) John, John! Where are you!(TULLYcomes down from window.)Oh, Mr. Tully, where’s John?TULLY. I couldn’t say at the moment.PAMELA. John! Is he in the house?(TULLYopening and shutting his mouth, but saying nothing.)Oh, please don’t stand there yawning!TULLY. I’m not yawning. I’m trying to say something.PAMELA. Where—is—John?TULLY(with a gulp). He’s out.PAMELA. Out! Impossible! Are you sure?TULLY. Q—q—quite sure.PAMELA. Where has he gone?TULLY. He’s gone to—five hundred clubs——PAMELA(turning downL.). Great Heavens! And we’ve waited for this day!TULLY. We? We’ve waited for this day?PAMELA(dashes to doorL.Stands with her back to it). Mr. Tully, you and I are the only people in this house.TULLY(alarmed and going downR.) Oh, don’t say that—don’t say that?PAMELA. We cannot miss this opportunity!TULLY. Opportunity? Can’t we? Oh, don’t saythat! Don’t say that! (Moving away in apprehension.)PAMELA. But I do say it. (CrossingC.) And you can’t have an atom of pluck unless you do as I ask.TULLY. Really, this is most embarrassing.PAMELA(madly). I want you to get into pyjamas as quickly as you can. (Removes her hat and putting it on tableL.C.)TULLY. Get into pyjamas! I’ve never been asked to do such a thing in my life! (Trembling all over.) Not for all the gold in the Bank of England, Mrs. Ayers.PAMELA(comingC.). Yes, yes,please.For my sake! dear Mr. Tully (Then up to windowL.)TULLY. Not for any woman breathing. Your endearments are wasted on me. Oh, I knew this would happen one day. I knew some woman would get me into a corner.PAMELA. I only want you to take John’s place.TULLY. Hoh! Hoh!PAMELA. Please—please—(advancing toTULLY)—just for a little time while John is out.TULLY. But it’s right against my principles.PAMELA. It’s our only chance. (Crosses to arm-chair, kneels on front of it, looking up atTULLY,who is behind it, and pleading.) He may be back here at any moment. You’ll have to do this for me really, Mr. Tully.TULLY. I’ll never do it unless you use force—and a woman can’t force a man to get into pyjamas. It isn’t legal! (Dashes up to windowR. PAMELAfollows him.) If you come any nearer I’ll shriek from the window!(Bell heard offL.)PAMELA(up to windowL.quickly—looks out—then back again). Thereisthe doctor! I knew it! Now what on earth are we going to doTULLY. The doctor??PAMELA. Yes, the doctor!TULLY. The doctor??? (Sits in arm-chair.) Oh—the doctor! Whydidn’tyou make your meaning clear just now?PAMELA. What did you think I meant?(TULLYvery embarrassed.)What did you think I meant? (Coming down toTULLY.)TULLY. Well, what you said.(Bell heard offL.)PAMELA. That man is out there on the doorstep now, and—and there’s no John. A doctor and no patient! And we swore he was unable to leave his bed.TULLY. Oh, dear, dear, dear!(Bell heard offL.—Both listen.)(Rising.) Perhaps if we keep quite quiet he’ll go away.PAMELA. No, he knows wemustbe in the house. Mr. Tully, this doctor has never even seen John—doesn’t know him from Adam.TULLY. I won’t impersonate Adam!PAMELA. Would it be asking too much of you to let him think that you—are—my husband?TULLY. Well, if you put it like that, and you think I could, I’ll do my best.PAMELA. Very well, go and get into bed.TULLY. Oh no, I couldn’t get into bed. I can’t bear people to see me in bed. What about the chair? The inspector saw John when he was sitting up. Why couldn’t he see me in the chair?(Bell heard off.)PAMELA. Oh, very well. Be as quick as you can. I’ll keep the doctor talking. (Crossing to doorL.) Groan—groan when you’re ready. Get into John’s pyjamas. (At door.) I’d do the same for you!(PAMELAruns offL.)TULLY. Oh! O-oh!(TULLYruns offR.)(TULLYre-enters with pyjamas, puts them on back of arm-chair, looks round room, hops up to windowL.,draws curtains, hops along to windowR.,draws curtains—goes to Standard lamp above doorL.,switches off light—then over to arm-chair—he puts on pyjama jacket over clothes, picks up pyjama trousers, holds them against himself—then looks towards doorsR.andL.,as if some one might be looking through keyholes, goes to fireplace and brings small firescreen to down toR.of arm-chair—puts on trousers, jumps himself into them, fastens them up, takes screen back to fireplace, comes back to arm-chair, wraps blanket round him, lies back in arm-chair and groans loudly.PAMELAenters and crosses toTULLY.)PAMELA. I’ve told him you’re not awake. Pretend to be asleep. (Switches on lights and exitL.Re-enters almost immediately holding door open.) Oh, come in, doctor. (Then crossing toTULLY.)(DR. BIGLANDenters, hat and bag in hand. He is a fairly corpulent man of fifty, and blunt in manner—places hat and bag on small table downL.)This is our patient, doctor. (Gets to back of arm-chair.)DOCTOR. Ahem! Wouldn’t he be better in bed?PAMELA. That is what I try to impress on him, but he says he feels the pain less sitting up. And you can’t persuade him; his mind seems thoroughly unhinged since the accident.(DOCTORcrosses over toTULLY,puts head toTULLY’Sheart.TULLYmakes a face.DOCTORraises his head, almost catchingTULLYmaking a face.)A pity to wake him, don’t you think?(DOCTORstill examiningTULLY.)This is the best sleep he’s had for weeks.(JOHNis entering by windowL.,seeingDOCTORhe retires immediately.)DOCTOR(having finished his examination, crossesC.) I understood he was quite a small man.(TULLYslides down in chair, trying to make himself look smaller—a very conspicuous movement.)PAMELA. Yes, hewas.But he seems to have grown considerably since the accident.(DOCTORgoes toTULLY,feels his pulse.)Oh, don’t wake him, please doctor.DOCTOR. Oh, I shan’t wake him. Don’t worry!(TULLYsnores loudly.)(ToPAMELA.) Any throat trouble.PAMELA. No—I—er—he hasn’t complained of any.DOCTOR. Keeps you awake at night a good deal, I dare say? (GoingL.)PAMELA. Oh! yes. He—does.DOCTOR. By the way, has Mr. Trippett, the inspector of claims for our company—has he been here to-day?PAMELA. No—no, doctor—not to my knowledge.DOCTOR. I was wondering, that’s all. He said he would meet me here to discuss the case.(TULLYshows nervousness.)PAMELA. No, I don’t think he’s called.DOCTOR. Ah, probably he’ll come later. This matter has been hanging on too long, you know. It ought to have been settled up days ago.PAMELA. Yes, I quite—quite agree.DOCTOR(takes out watch). Well, I have another call to pay—close by here. I’ll look back a little later on. Perhaps he’ll be awake then.PAMELA. Thank you, doctor. (Crosses to doorL.,holds door open.)DOCTOR(picks up hat and follows her). Allowme.(Is going off.)(TULLYrises in chair and stares after him.)Oh, I’m forgetting my bag (Turning he almost catchesTULLYlooking, TULLYcollapses immediately.)PAMELA. The weather keeps warm—doe-doe-doesn’t it—d-d-doctor?DOCTOR(picking up bag). It d-d-does—indeed.(ExitDOCTORL.,followed byPAMELA.)(JOHNenters at windowL.,comes down quickly, places hat on tableL.C.,comes toTULLY. TULLYstarts up.)JOHN. Who told you to do this?TULLY. That’s the doctor from the ’Bus Company.JOHN. And those are my new pyjamas. (Throwing coat and scarf on to settee at back.)TULLY. I know—I know—er——(EnterPAMELA.)PAMELA. Oh, there you are, John!JOHN(angrily). Who, who is responsible for this absurd jumble? (Pointing toTULLY.) And who does the doctor thinkthatis?PAMELA. Whyyou!You, of course. There was no one else here when the doctor came, andsome onehad to be ill in bed.JOHN. But not in a—chair!I know this game backwards. If you can get five hundred in bed, you can’t get fifty in a chair. (ToTULLY.) You’ve mucked up the whole show!TULLY. I’m quite sureIdidn’t want to do it. (Turns his back onJOHN.)JOHN(holding forth). And it’s not very flattering to me if he goes out and about and becomes known as John Ayers.TULLY. I simply did it to oblige your wife.JOHN. If you are in the habit of getting into those things simply to oblige ladies, you’ll soon find yourself in the Divorce Court.TULLY. Don’t be cruel. (GoingR.)PAMELA. It’s no use arguing. The doctor has only gone a little way, and he’ll be back here at any minute.JOHN(toPAMELA). Surely you could have kept the doctor waiting a little while, or made some excuse?PAMELA. What possible excuse could I make? Last time he called I said you were in your bath.JOHN. But that was last Friday week; surely another bath wouldn’t be out of place by now!(TULLYbegins to remove trousers of pyjamas.)PAMELA(alarmed). Mr. Tully—please—please not in my presence!JOHN. For Heaven’s sake be decent—be decent!TULLY(goes up to fireplace, gets behind screen and refastens strings of pyjamas). I’ve had enough of this.JOHN(back toC.). Can’t you see the awful situation we’re in? If Trippett calls he’ll demand to seeme;if the doctor comes he’ll expect to seeTully—and if they both come together—Heaven help us!PAMELA. Hush—Sh! (Hurries up to windowL.)(JOHNandTULLYstart back in fear.)JOHN. What is it? What is it?PAMELA(coming down). Ah! It’s nothing!JOHN. Well, don’t do it, Pam. It unnerves me.TULLY(coming downR.). I’d give anything to be out of this.JOHN. Of course you would. Always thinking of yourself.(TULLYstoops and pulls down leg of pyjamas.)And don’t stretch those pyjamas!TULLY. I don’t enjoy the best of health. I shan’t be a nuisance to you much longer.JOHN. Why talk like that—you know you will.(TULLYgoes up to windowR.)PAMELA. I can’t say thatIam enjoying the situation.JOHN. Well, don’t lose your heads.PAMELA. Well, what are we going to do?JOHN(hand to forehead). Already I have the whole scheme laid out here. It’s perfectly simple. This is absolutely an inspiration. Tully—Tully—must—cut—off—his—moustache!TULLY(crossing toJOHN). No—I’m ready to obligeto a certain extent—but I’m not going to be messed about!JOHN. It’s absolutely necessary. I’ve always been clean-shaven, and it’s the first thing that is noticed in a man. (ToPAMELA.) Now get me a pair of scissors—quickly. (PushingTULLYinto arm-chairR.)(PAMELAgets scissors from tableL.C.and takes them toJOHN.She stands in front ofTULLY. JOHNcuts offTULLY’Smoustache.)TULLY. I protest. I’m not going to be chopped about.JOHN(overTULLY). If you only keep still you won’t know anything about it. Now, don’t move or I shall hurt you.TULLY. I protest—I pro—gurr! gurr!PAMELA(holdingTULLYdown in arm-chair). Oh, don’t choke him, John!JOHN. I wouldn’t do anything in the world against his wishes. Keep still. Bertram!(Moustache is cut off.JOHNgoes downR. PAMELAgoes downL. TULLYsits up in chair.)I don’t know why you are making all this fuss. There’s practically nothing of it when you come to gather it up. There! I’ve never seen you look so handsome. (Placing moustache in waistcoat pocket.)PAMELA. Really, I think it suits you, Mr. Tully.TULLY. But don’t you see, the doctor’s already seen mewitha moustache.JOHN. Oh, lor!TULLY. And this is my flute night down at the Mission. (Bell heard offL.)PAMELA. It’s the doctor back again, I expect.(Runs up to windowL.,looks off.)JOHN(pullingTULLYout of chair.) Go on, get into bed. (LeadsTULLYto doorR.)TULLY. You don’t think he’ll operate on me? Do you?(ExitTULLYdoorR.)PAMELA. John, it’s a woman.JOHN(advancing) A woman!PAMELA. It’s Mrs. Tully——JOHN(back quickly to doorR.,puts back against it). Mrs. Tully!!!PAMELA(comes downC.) Whatever is she coming here for?JOHN. She knows I’m an invalid and can’t leave the house, and I suppose she imagines that her husband is here. Now, you had better not be seen. Go across quickly into the dining-room (crossing toPAMELA) and shut yourself in.PAMELA. I want to know exactly why Mrs. Tully has called here.JOHN. There’s no time to discuss anything. Will you please go and hide in the dining-room?PAMELA. And leave you alone with that woman? Most certainly not!JOHN. Then perhapsyouwill be good enough to explain to Mrs. Tully whyherhusband is inyourbedroom!PAMELA. No, no! Why can’t you explain it.JOHN. Not in your presence.PAMELA. Couldn’t Mr. Tully explain if we send his wife in to him?JOHN. Good heavens, no! He’d go mad!PAMELA. Why should he?JOHN. Well—er—he’s only recently been married, and he’s not in his own flat or in his own bed. Hang it, he’s not in his own pyjamas!PAMELA. Well, I’m going to ask him. (To doorR.)JOHN. Do please listen to reason, Pam.PAMELA(knocking on door and calling toTULLY). Mr. Tully, are you in bed?TULLY(heard off). Yes!PAMELA. Your wife has called.TULLY(heard off—a long moan of agony). Oh-h-h-h!PAMELA. I say your wife has called. We are sending her in to you.TULLY. Oh-o-h-h-h!PAMELA. Will you kindly explain everything to her?(Glass and crockery crash offR.)(PAMELAstaggers back from door.JOHNbacks up a little rather frightened.)JOHN. That’s done it!(TULLYdashes into room—makes a dive for doorL. JOHNcatches him and swings him into chairL.C. TULLYhas blanket round his shoulders and head. He half sits, half lies, in chair in a collapsed condition.)TULLY. Let me go—let me go!JOHN(across toPAMELA). I told you what would happen.PAMELA. Shall I go and fetch mother?JOHN. Fetch mother! Good heavens, no! Give the poor devil a chance. Have you got any smelling salts?PAMELA. Scent spray——JOHN. Yes, that’ll do.(PAMELAgets scent spray from mantelpiece and gives it toJOHN. JOHNsquirts scent intoTULLY’Sface.TULLYsneezes loudly.)PAMELA. It’s the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever experienced—to see a man so afraid of his wife.JOHN. Ah, some of us don’t show it like he does.(Bell heard offL.)His marriage was a mistake from the first. (ToPAMELA.) Will you go into the dining-room now, and I’ll see Mrs. Tully here in the presence of her husband and explain everything.PAMELA. If Mr. Tully will promise to remain in the room.JOHN. Yes! Yes!TULLY. No! No!JOHN(threateningTULLYwith spray). Yes—yes! (TULLYcowers into blanket.) (ToPAMELA.) Now go along as quickly as you can. (Places spray tableR.C.)PAMELA(crossing to doorL.). But understand I shall expect to hear Mr. Tully’s voice the whole time.JOHN(crossingL.). You shall—you shall. He shan’t leave the room. And when he’s not talking I’ll get him to sing.(ExitPAMELAbrisklyL.)(Turning toTULLY.) Go and let Mamie in as quickly as you can—show her in here—then stand by that door and don’t let anyone else in on any account—and sing—just through the key-hole. It’ll keep Mrs. Ayers quiet.TULLY(crossing to doorL.). You won’t leave me alone with Miss Fluffie Scott again, will you?JOHN. I’ll get rid of her as soon as ever I can. Go and let her in quickly.(TULLYruns out of doorL.)(JOHNholds the door open looking off—a moment andMAMIEhurries in.)Come along, Mamie.(JOHNshuts door, forgetting all aboutTULLY,and catchesTULLY’Sarm in the door.TULLYgives a yell of pain, waggling his hurt fingers.)Oh, sorry old man, I forgot!(TULLYshuts door.)Now don’t leave that door whatever you do—and sing—sing! (JOHNgoes toMAMIE,who isC.)(TULLYstands close to doorL.and sings“The Rosary.”)MAMIE(anxiously). Jack, Jack! Did you get my letter?JOHN. Your letter? What letter?MAMIE(seeingTULLY,who is singing loudly). What’s that?JOHN. It’s all right. He’s not listening.MAMIE. I wrote you about the necklace.JOHN. But I sent you word last week that the necklace was in the hands of the jeweller.MAMIE. I know. I told the Rajah that, and he won’t believe me. He’s simply furious. Where is the jeweller’s? Let me take it back to him whether it’s damaged or not. Do!JOHN. But there isn’t time. I’m expecting my wife at any moment, and you must get away from here.MAMIE. But I dare not go home without it. (Throwing her arms roundJOHN’Sneck.) Darling, do please!(TULLYembarrassed, sings louder than ever.)JOHN(toTULLY). Oh, dry up, dry up! (ToMAMIE.) Well, now I’ll tell you the truth—the jeweller sent the necklace back yesterday, and I’ve given it to my wife to take care of.MAMIE(joyfully). Then you’ve got it! You’ve got it!TULLY(runs towardsJOHN). You’ve got it? You never told me!JOHN(toTULLY,sharply). Watch that door!(TULLYresumes singing“The Rosary.”)(ToMAMIE.) Yes, Mrs. Ayers is wearing it.MAMIE. Oh, Iampleased. But why didn’t she give it to Mr. Tully, if she thinks I’m his wife?JOHN. Ah, that’s the point—that’s the trouble. (Nodding his head towardsTULLY.) There are some people in this world you can’t trust.MAMIE. I could tell you a few things about Mr. Tully. Ask him if he knows a girl called Agnes—she teaches him ragtime down at the Mission.(TULLYsings louder.)JOHN(toTULLY). Oh, dry up! Will you dry up!!!(TULLYdrops on“all fours”and stops singing.)MAMIE(looking atTULLY). What’s he doing there? Saying his prayers?JOHN. He must keep to that door in case Mrs. Ayers comes back.(TULLYhas stopped singing and is trying hard not to listen.)MAMIE. Well, give me the necklace, and I’ll be off at once.JOHN. I’ll send it on to you to-morrow.MAMIE. No, I dare not go home without it.JOHN. But how can I give it to you? Mrs. Ayers is wearing it round her neck.MAMIE. Can’t I wait till she returns?JOHN. No, no! She doesn’t know you’re here. And you must leave at once before she comes back.(PAMELAknocks loudly outside door.TULLYjumps up.MAMIEandJOHNstart—all silent.)PAMELA(off). I can’t hear Mr. Tully’s voice!JOHN(toTULLY). Sing! sing!(TULLYresumes singing:“I hear you calling me.”)MAMIE. ThatisMrs. Ayers—now you can give me the necklace.JOHN(back toMAMIE). That’s impossible. I don’t want her to know you’re here.MAMIE(raising her voice). But it doesn’t matter if she thinks I am Mrs. Tully!TULLY. (crosses toJOHN). I object to that being shouted broadcast.JOHN(toTULLY). You keep quiet! (ToMAMIE.) You see, he objects—and don’t be so unfeeling. We’re expecting the doctor here at any minute, I’m as ill as I can be, and Tully may be operated on at any moment.(Grimaces fromTULLY.)MAMIE. I don’t care who’s operated on. I’m not going home without that necklace. (Almost in tears.)JOHN. Can’t you see the trouble we’re in?MAMIE. There’ll be worse trouble when the Rajah arrives.JOHN. Good heavens! You haven’t told the Rajah about me?MAMIE. What else could I do? And I had to give him your address.JOHN. Oh, Tully, Tully, she’s given the Rajah my address!MAMIE(bursting into tears). What else could I do? Boo—boo—— It’s not my fault, and why should I be blamed for it. Boo, boo, boo! (Sitting in arm-chairR.)JOHN(down toMAMIE). There, don’t cry, don’t cry.(TULLYbursts into tears.)What’s the matter with you?TULLY. I can’t bear to see a woman cry.(MAMIEshrieks and yells and kicks up her feet.)JOHN. Hold her feet down! (Sits onMAMIE’Sfeet.) (ToTULLY.)Don’t leave that door!(TULLYpeeps out of doorL.and crosses toJOHN.)TULLY. John! The doctor’s arrived!JOHN(still sitting onMAMIE’Sfeet). Say—say you’re having a bath; you won’t be long.TULLY(speaking through keyhole). I’m in my bath! I shan’t be long!!!JOHN. You’re not shouting the odds at a race meeting!TULLY. I’m in my bath—I shan’t be long—splash—splash—(moves up and down, as if covering himself with water) splash. (TULLYuses blanket like a towel, drying his back, up and down, exaggerated movements.) I’m drying—I’m dying——JOHN. Oh! Good heavens, this is awful. (Rises, looks atMAMIE.) She’s fainting, she’s fainting, what shall we do?TULLY. Put a key down her back!JOHN. Well, give me a key. (TULLYrushes to doorL.) No! Not that one, idiot! We may want that! (TULLYtakes long strides over to doorR.)JOHN. You’ll split those pyjamas!(TULLYgivesJOHNkey from doorR.)Is this the proper thing to do? (Drops key behindMAMIEon to arm-chair—as if down her back.)JOHN. Ah! she’s coming round. No more tears! No more tears, little girl!MAMIE(rises and puts arm onJOHN’Sshoulder). No, no more tears, no more tears! (TurningR.she seesTULLY—and screams at sight of him—turns toJOHN.)JOHN(leadingMAMIEoff into roomR.). There, dear, no more tears, you come along into this room and you shall have the necklace, I promise you——MAMIE. You really mean that, Jack——JOHN. Of course I mean it—now come along.(ExitMAMIEandJOHNroomR.)TULLY. Oh, Mrs. Ayers! (GoingC.and singing:) “Oh dry those tears, oh calm those fears.”JOHN(entering quickly and trying to lock doorR.). The key—where’s the key?TULLY. You put it down Fluffie’s back!(PAMELArushes on from doorL.)PAMELA. The doctor says he can’t wait much longer.(ExitPAMELAquickly.)JOHN(crosses toTULLY). I suppose you realize that something’s got to be done. This girl demands the necklace—the police have been informed, and the Rajah is rampant. The ’Bus Company claim me as a patient, and my married happiness rocks in the balance.TULLY. Oh, don’t talk like that.JOHN. Go on, get into that chair. (PushingTULLYto arm-chairR.)TULLY. Haven’t I done enough for one day?JOHN. At this very moment you can wreck my life, and you’re going to take advantage of it. Bertram! Bertram!(PressesTULLYdown into arm-chairR.)What did I do with those pieces of your moustache?TULLY. You put them in your pocket.JOHN. Ah, so I did. (JOHNpicks up hat and is going to window.)TULLY(in arm-chair and drawing blanket round him). You’re not going to leave me in this awful predicament?JOHN. I shall be back immediately. I have a brilliant idea, that will clear up everything. Now, don’t forget you are John Ayers.TULLY. I’m John Ayers??JOHN(over to doorL.). You can come in. (Back toTULLY.) Moan a little, and for heaven’s sake try and look intelligent.(JOHNgoes off through windows left.TULLYmakes faces,as if intelligent.PAMELAentersL.,followed byDOCTOR.)PAMELA(crossing toTULLY). Ah, here he is, doctor.DOCTOR(putting hat and bag on tableL.C.). Is he awake?PAMELA. Are you awake, dear?TULLY. No! (PAMELAslaps his head)—er—yes—yes.DOCTOR. Still sitting up, and after a bath too; it’s not wise.PAMELA. We can’t keep him in bed; he’s so full of spirits.DOCTOR. Yes, yes, I quite understand. Now, don’t distress yourself, my dear lady. (Gets chair fromR.of tableL.C.and places it on left of arm-chair.) You have your own medical man attending, of course.PAMELA. Oh yes, doctor, ofcourse.(Imitating doctor’s accent.) But I don’t think he understands the case, although he thinks it very serious.(DOCTORsits in chair. Loud knocks heard offL.)DOCTOR. I think that must be Mr. Trippett.(TULLYstarts up—frightened.)PAMELA(going to doorL.). Excuse me a moment.(ExitPAMELAdoorL.)(DOCTORwatches her off.TULLYquickly rises and hides behind arm-chair.DOCTORturns round to examineTULLY,finds the chair empty, looks dumbfounded, scratches his head, pushes blanket down, which has been left on chair, turns left, looks under his own chair, then looks upL. TULLYgets quickly back into arm-chair again and pulls blanket round him—feigns sleep.DOCTORturns again to arm-chair, seesTULLY,can’t believe his eyes, pinches himself, liftsTULLY’Sarm.TULLYdrops it.DOCTORliftsTULLY’Sarm again.TULLYholds it up this time and moves fingers.)DOCTOR. Now then, young man, I want you to tell me exactly where you feel this pain. We don’t want you to remain an invalid all your life, although I dare say a little compensation will act as a wonderful restorative.(PAMELAenters holding door open.)JOHN(peeping round door). Say it’s Mr. Tully. (JOHNis wearing a moustache.)PAMELA(announcing). Er—Mr. Tully.TULLY(rising). Yes!PAMELA. It’s Mr. Tully.(JOHNenters.)(DOCTORturns and looks atJOHN. TULLYwalks on knees round arm-chair and then sits covering himself with blanket.)JOHN(posing asTULLY). May I come in? How d’ye do, Mrs. Ayers? So pleased to see you. And how is the patient to-day?PAMELA. Not much better, I’m afraid.JOHN. Oh no, he’s worse—a lot worse. I can see that. (Going behindTULLY.) Poor old John!TULLY. Poor John!JOHN. I don’t think we shall have him with us much longer.(TULLYsits up.)(Softly.) Bertram.(TULLYfalls back.)DOCTOR. I don’t think it’s wise to dishearten the patient like that.PAMELA(toJOHN). This is the doctor from the Motor ’Bus Company.JOHN. Oh, how d’ye do? (DOCTORturns toJOHN.) I’m a very old friend of Mr. Ayers, and I’m very sorry to see him struck down like this. (TULLYfallsR.half off chair.JOHNpulls him back again.) It’s a very serious matter.DOCTOR. Yes. The Company wish me to convey their deep sympathies.JOHN. Deep sympathies aren’t much good. I’m afraid it will cost them something more than that.DOCTOR. Oh! He’ll be up and about in a few days.JOHN. Oh no he won’t.DOCTOR. Oh yes he will!JOHN. Oh no he won’t!DOCTOR. Oh yes he will!JOHN. Oh no he won’t!Ican promise you that. Can’t you see the man has been terribly knocked about? (Aside toTULLY.) Groan!(TULLYgroans long and loudly.)DOCTOR. Now, tell me, Mrs. Ayers, is he thirsty at all?PAMELA. No, doctor.DOCTOR. No, no, he wouldn’t be.JOHN. But the pain in his back is simply terrible. He raves! (Aside toTULLY.) Rave!(TULLYraves, pulls hair up on end, imagines he sees something, tries to catch it, and continues any mad business.DOCTORfollows his movements closely and seriously.)DOCTOR(toPAMELA). Does he have any pains in the head?PAMELA. N-no—doctor.DOCTOR. No, no, he wouldn’t have.JOHN. But his mind’s affected.DOCTOR. Is he—is he sleepy at all?PAMELA. No, not as a rule, doctor.DOCTOR. No, no.JOHN. No, no, he wouldn’t be. (ImitatingDOCTOR.)DOCTOR. How dare you, sir? (Turns away in a rage.) Of course a good deal of this may proceed from a previous debilitated state.PAMELA. Debilitated?DOCTOR. I understand the patient has led rather a—well—if I may be allowed to say so—rather a gay life?(TULLYrises annoyed.)JOHN. Oh no, you’re quite wrong. (Pointing toTULLY.) No one can ever say that John Ayers went the pace. I’ve known John ever since I was born and I can safely say he’s a living saint, isn’t he, Mrs. Ayers?PAMELA(with a gulp). Er—yes—yes, of course.JOHN. If anyone knocks about at all, you might accuse me. I’m known everywhere as Tully the Rake.(TULLYsits up in protest.)(Aside.) Bertram!(TULLYfalls back in chair.)DOCTOR. There’s just one more question, Mrs. Ayers. Does he have any cold sweats?JOHN. Yes, he lives entirely on soda-water.DOCTOR. I said, sir, does he have anycold sweats?JOHN. Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you said Schweppes.DOCTOR. Schweppes!!PAMELA(crossing toR.of arm-chair). Yes, he perspires a good deal.JOHN(aside toTULLY). Perspire!(TULLYperspires—wipes head—then wrings handkerchief out.)DOCTOR. Perspires. That’s quite natural. (ToTULLY.) Now then, will you tell me exactly where you feel this pain in the back?JOHN(getting betweenDOCTORandTULLY). Just up between the ribs.(DOCTORdigsJOHNin back.)Oh, that’s the very place!DOCTOR. Will youlet the patienttell me?JOHN. But he doesn’t know as well as I do.TULLY(pointing toJOHN). Mr. Ayers—er—Mr. Tully, this gentleman knows all about it.DOCTOR. Mr. Tully, Mr. Tully! Where have I heard that name before? Ah,youwere in the ’bus accident with him, I believe? (ToJOHN.)JOHN. No, that was my brother.DOCTOR. Your brother? And he escaped unhurt?JOHN. Er—yes. He fell on top of a fat old woman who was sitting opposite.DOCTOR. Yes, that poor lady had three ribs broken. (Rises.) Still, that concerns your brother. (Sarcastically.JOHNandTULLYexchange looks.DOCTORtakes chair up toR.of tableL.C.,opens bag.) I can’t quite understand all this, you know—according to Mr. Trippett’s report, the patient was a much smaller man. (Takes out stethoscope from bag, wiping it with his handkerchief and coming downL.)JOHN(over toDOCTOR). Surely, you’re not going to measure him, doctor? Hang it all, he’s not dead yet.DOCTOR. No, I simply wish to examine him, that’s all. (Turning toJOHN.) Although I have taken the measure of many people in my time.(JOHNturns away and up stage.)Now, Mrs. Ayers, will you kindly loosen the patient’s things a little—just in front.(TULLYdrags his pyjama jacket tightly round him, very much alarmed.PAMELAlooks atJOHNin despair.)JOHN(down toTULLY). PerhapsIcan assist.DOCTOR. I shall feel much obliged, sir, if you will not interfere. (DOCTORgoes over to table downL.,keeps his back towards the others.)PAMELA. Couldn’t you examine him better in bed, doctor?DOCTOR. Undoubtedly!(MAMIEenters from doorR. JOHNsees her and pushes her back.)JOHN. No, I can’t let him go into bed. I don’t advise it. (Shutting doorR.)TULLY. And I’m not going to strip.(Bell heard offL.)PAMELA(up to windowL.,looks off). It’s Mr. Trippett!DOCTOR. Mr. Trippett, good! He’s just in time!JOHN(toTULLY). Good! He’s just in time. Thatislucky. Iamglad!DOCTOR. He promised to meet me here. (Takes out watch.)JOHN(crosses toDOCTOR). Isn’t it Motor ’Bus etiquette for you to discuss the case with Mr. Trippett in private?DOCTOR. No, I don’t think that’s at all necessary.(Goes up to tableL.C.,puts stethoscope in bag.)JOHN. I’m sure both Mr. and Mrs. Ayers would like you to consult before anything is said or done in the matter. The dining-room is at your service.PAMELA(crossing to and opening doorL.). Yes—yes—of course.DOCTOR. Well, if you particularly wish it, I’ll see Mr. Trippett.PAMELA. This way, doctor.DOCTOR. I thank you, madam, I thank you.(DOCTORexits, followed byPAMELA. JOHNplaces chairL.C.under table.TULLYjumps up.)TULLY. I’ve had enough of this! I’m going mad!JOHN. Bertram! Bertram!TULLY. Bertram be damned! (Holds his mouth instantly.)JOHN(crosses toTULLY). I think you’re very ungrateful. Just as everything’s going so splendidly.TULLY. Splendidly! Is it? Do you think Mr. Trippett and the doctor are going to swallow this tale. I’ve lost my reputation and I’ve lost my moustache!(PAMELArushes in and closes door.)PAMELA. Mr. Trippett would like to see you now. He’s in rather a hurry. What will you do?JOHN. That’s all right. Send Trippett in here in two seconds and keep the doctor in there and keep calm.(PAMELAexitsL.)TULLY. Everything’s going splendidly. Everything’s going splendidly. (Taking wild leaps into the air.)JOHN(toTULLY). Go on, get behind that screen.(Gets into chair and draws blanket round him.)TULLY(going up to fireplace). If ever I get out of this I’ll leave the neighbourhood. (Kneels behind screen in fireplace.)JOHN. Don’t talk like that.MAMIE(rushes on from doorR.). Jack, I can’t wait any longer. Where’s the necklace?JOHN(rises and crosses toMAMIE). It’s all right, only wait.MAMIE. My darling, whathaveyou been doing?JOHN. What?MAMIE. That dreadful moustache.JOHN. Oh, they’ve been putting me under glass. (PushesMAMIEoff downR.)(TULLYgroans.)Don’t you groan. I’m the patient now!(Sits in arm-chair again.PAMELArushes in toC. TULLYpeeps round from screen.)PAMELA. John, the doctor says he must examine you before discussing the case with Mr. Trippett.JOHN(rising). Good heavens! Can’t they make up their minds? They must be a couple of weathercocks.All right—send the doctor in—wait till you hear Tully groan.PAMELA. Mr. Tully will be in the chair?JOHN. Yes, yes. We’re quite prepared. Wait till he groans, that’s all.(PAMELAexitsL.)(ToTULLY.) Go on, get into that chair. (Arranging blanket.) The doctor’s coming in.(TULLYcomes down to arm-chair.PAMELArushes in.)PAMELA(breathlessly). John, Mr. Trippett and the doctor are both coming in together!JOHN. Both together!(JOHNandTULLYboth rush for arm-chair.)Wait, I know. Say there’s an escape of gas.PAMELA. Electric light! Look!TULLY. Say the lease of the flat is up!JOHN(pushingTULLYinto chair). Don’t be a fool. Say I’m dead!(Door-bell heard offL.)PAMELA(up to window). John, there’s a coloured man at the door!JOHN. A coloured man! Good heavens, it’s the Rajah!(TULLYrushes up to windowsR.C.with blankets on arm.)PAMELA. The Rajah?JOHN. Yes! Tell him I’m buried and won’t be back for a week!(MAMIEenters doorR.)PAMELA. But whoisthe Rajah?JOHN. Just a friend of mine.MAMIE. Excuse me, he’s a friend ofmine.PAMELA. Yours!MAMIE. Yes, a friend of mine, and Imusthave that necklace. Will you kindly give it to me, Mrs. Ayers?PAMELA. This necklace—how dare you—it’s mine.(MAMIEandPAMELAboth quarrel violently about it and argue madly till fall of curtain.TULLYgoes toMAMIEat the same time asJOHNgoes toPAMELA.They both throw the men off.TULLYhas taken blanket from arm-chair.JOHNis going to doorL.)TULLY. Not that way, John! Not that way!(JOHNandTULLYmeet centre, TULLYthrows blanket over both of them and they crawl out of windowL. DOCTORandTRIPPETTenter together talking.DOCTORsees the two men crawling off, he drawsTRIPPETT’Sattention, and they both look on aghast.)CURTAIN.
SCENE.—Same as Act I.
(Two weeks have elapsed since the events in the preceding Act. For alteration of furniture, seenotes at end of play.)
(JOHNAYERSandTULLYare seated at a small table downC. JOHNin arm-chair on right of table.TULLYin small chair left of table. They are playing cards.JOHNis dressed in pyjamas with blanket round him as in Act I.TULLYwears a lounge suit and slippers.)
(As the curtain risesJOHNis shuffling the cards and dealing for nap.)
(PAMELAenters from bedroomR.and then adjusts her hat, looking in mirror by fireplace. She wears the pearl necklace.)
(JOHNdeals.)
PAMELA. I must say I think it is very good of you, Mr. Tully.
TULLY. Beg pardon, Mrs. Ayers.
PAMELA. I say it’s very good of you to come and sit with John as you do.
TULLY. Oh, not at all, Mrs. Ayers. It’s a pleasure. John’s one of the best, in the world.
JOHN(quickly). No, that’s not your card. (Picking up one ofTULLY’Scards and looking at it.) Oh, yes it is. (Putting card down again.)
TULLY. But he’s a dirty cheat.
JOHN. Heaven helps those who help themselves.
TULLY. No, John, we’re here to help others.
JOHN. Then what are the others here for?
TULLY. To help the others, I suppose.
JOHN(calling to hand). Well, I’ll go two.
TULLY. Now, Mrs. Ayers, didn’t we stipulate that there were to be no two’s? (ToJOHN.) At two-handed nap you can’t call less than three surely.
(They both argue loudly.)
PAMELA(looking round). Now don’t quarrel, there’s good children.
JOHN. Tully’s a bad loser.
TULLY. I’m not. You’re a bad player. How can we possibly call two’s—it’s no game at all.
JOHN. Well, I go—three!
TULLY. Very good, I pass three.
(They play the hand.PAMELAstrolls down, putting on gloves, and watches game.)
JOHN. Play to that. I’ll give you “two’s.” That’s one. (Plays again.)
TULLY. Trump! Aha!
JOHN. I’m not afraid of that.
TULLY. You won’t get this. (Plays card.)
JOHN. Thank you. (Leads again.)
TULLY(takes the trick). That’s another one up against you. (Leads again.)
JOHN(takes the trick). Got it! Got it! Got it!
(PAMELAcomes down to top of table.)
TULLY. Nothing could touch a hand like that.
JOHN(teasingTULLY). Yougetthe cards, Tully, but you don’t know how toplaythem.
PAMELA. Oh, I think Mr. Tully plays a very excellent game.
(They start dealing.)
Now just a moment.
JOHN. Where are you going?
PAMELA. I just want to run round and see how mother is. I’ll leave John in your care, Mr. Tully.
TULLY. Certainly, Mrs. Ayers.
PAMELA(toTULLY). Would you mind answering the door?
JOHN. Answering the door? Of course he will. What’s he here for?
PAMELA. We sent the maids away a week ago, they talk so.
JOHN. Cook said she knew positively there was nothing the matter with me at all.
PAMELA. So I’ve given them a holiday.
TULLY. Much the wisest thing to do.
PAMELA(toTULLY). If the inspector or the doctor from the ’bus company calls, just ask him in and say I shall not be long. And you, John——
JOHN. Oh, I shall get into bed like a flash of lightning.
PAMELA. I don’t suppose they’ll come.
JOHN(looking atPAMELA). Do you think it’s wise to wear that necklace on these dark nights. You might have it stolen.
PAMELA(smiling and displaying necklace). Ah! I’ve been waiting for you to notice it.
JOHN. Well, it’s running a risk. I should leave it at home if I were you.
PAMELA. Does it look valuable toyou?
JOHN. Of course it does.
PAMELA. Well, it isn’t—this is only imitation.
TULLY. Oh, it looks just the same to me.
PAMELA. Mother had the real one copied for thirty shillings, she was so afraid I should lose it.
TULLY. That’s very thoughtful.
JOHN. Motherdoesknow.
PAMELA(posing). But itlooksgenuine, doesn’t it?
JOHN. It looks jolly good. (Artfully.) What have you done with therealone?
PAMELA. Ah! that’s telling! I’m never going to part with that as long as I live. (Crossing to doorL.). Shall I give your love to mother?
JOHN. No!
PAMELA. John!
JOHN. I mean yes.
(ExitPAMELA.)
Yes, if you like. (ToTULLY.) That’s the fourteenth love I’ve sent to mother this week.
(Door slams offL.)
(TULLYshuffles cards.)
I don’t mind telling you, Tully, I’m more than sick of this business. I’ve been shut up now for nearly a fortnight.
TULLY. But the doctor from the ’bus company ought to have called on you long ago.
JOHN. He did call—last Friday week, and I happened to be out. Just my luck. Pam saw him and made some excuse, and he said he’d call again. But he hasn’t been near the place since.
(TULLYdeals the cards for nap.)
TULLY. Their idea is of course to tire you out.
JOHN. And we’vegotto be careful. Did you read about Dick Turner?
TULLY. He got his five hundred pounds out of them, didn’t he?
JOHN. Yes. But do you know the latest? They’re going to have him up for fraud.
TULLY. Oh, dear! dear! dear! What doesMrs.Ayers say about it?
JOHN. The Turner case has rather upset her. She’s terribly afraid of the law. If you mention the word she has a panic.
TULLY. So you see, good people are the happiest after all.
JOHN. But they don’t always look it. (Looks atTULLYwith a grin.) Let me see now, it’s my call, isn’t it?
TULLY. No, John, you called last time.
JOHN. So I did. You’re quite right.
TULLY(jubilant). I’m going nap!
JOHN. You’re—going—nap?
TULLY. Yes!
JOHN(rising). Hark! It’s the doctor—the doctor from the ’bus company. (Flings off blanket and rushes to doorR.,groaning as if in pain.)
TULLY(runs to window). There’s nobody there. Desist! (Comes down to doorL.) Desist!
(JOHNstops groaning.)
There’s nobody at the door—not a sign of anyone.
JOHN. Really, are you sure? (Coming to tableC.)
TULLY. Quite sure.
JOHN(mixing cards up all together). All right! Deal again. Deal again. (Sits.)
TULLY(comes to table—looks with disgust at cards, gathers them up and sits). It’s a very funny thing, John, but every time I call nap you imagine you hear the doctor coming. Coincidence, I suppose. (Gives a big sigh.)
JOHN. What’s the matter with you, Tully? Have you ever been in love?
TULLY(looks and smiles). I was nearly caught once.
JOHN. Oh, what was her name?
TULLY. Agnes. (Sorrowfully.) She made a vow that if she ever met a really good man she would love him though he be as ugly as sin.
JOHN. And she loved you?
TULLY. Devotedly.
JOHN. Why didn’t you marry the girl?
TULLY. She was so expensive.
JOHN. They all are. I don’t believe womanwasthe rib of man I believe she was the expendix—I mean the appendix—no use to anybody.
TULLY. That’s what makes me so timid. I’m so afraid that one of these days some woman will get me into a corner and make me do something thoughtless. (Cards dealt.)
JOHN. I shouldn’t worry about that if I were you. Let me see, it’s my call, isn’t it?
TULLY. Yes.
JOHN. Well, I pass!
TULLY. You pass? Well—I—I—you can’t hear the doctor coming, can you?
JOHN. N—o.
TULLY. Well, I’m going—nap!!
JOHN. What again?
TULLY. You haven’t given me a chance yet!
JOHN(rises). I have an idea.
TULLY. No, no, play this hand first; I’ve called nap.
JOHN(searches on tableL.C.). No, it’s not there.
TULLY. What are you looking for?
JOHN. The—real necklace!
TULLY. She wouldn’t leave it about like that.
JOHN. You don’t know—she might.
(Postman’s double knock heard offL.)
(Rushing for bedroom door.) The doctor! The doctor! (The blanket is left in arm-chair.)
TULLY. It isn’t—it isn’t the doctor. It’s the postman. It’s the postman. I know his knock.
(JOHNgoes out of doorL.,returns with a letter and reads itC.)
JOHN(speaking off). Yes! You’re right. There’s a letter in the box. (Enters.)
TULLY. I told you it was only the postman.Docome and play this nap out. I’ve got such beautiful cards!
JOHN. Hang your nap—this is serious. It’s from little Mamie Scott.
TULLY. Mamie Scott? Who’s she?
JOHN. You know—your wife!
TULLY. Oh, don’t start that again,please!(Rises.)
JOHN(reading from letter). “The Rajah declines to wait any longer for his necklace and threatens to place the matter in the hands of the police.”
TULLY. Oh, dear! dear! dear!
JOHN. You’d better go and tell her the necklace ishaving its clasp repaired and is coming back from the jeweller’s to-morrow.
TULLY. Is it?
JOHN. Oh, do have a little common sense. I think I know where to find her. Put on your hat and go round to the Five Hundred Club.
TULLY. Is that a ladies’ club?
JOHN. No—er—mixed.
TULLY. No, I couldn’t do that—really.
JOHN. Why not?
TULLY. I never believed in mixed schools or mixed bathing, and I’m certainly not going to a mixed club at my time of life.
JOHN. All you’ve got to do is to ask for Miss Mamie Scott.
TULLY. No, no. I’ve never been to such a place as the Five Hundred Club in my life.
JOHN. Take your Cheque Book with you. They’ll make you very welcome.
TULLY. A great deal too welcome, I expect. No, I couldn’t do it. Why don’tyou go?
JOHN. How can I? I’m ill in bed. It’s a hundred to one if I put my foot on the doorstep I should run into the arms of the doctor, Pamela and the whole ’bus company. Ruin, divorce and fraud await me on the doorstep.
TULLY. Well, I’m not going.
JOHN. Don’t forget you’re in this as well as me; if that necklace is lost you’re a party to it.
TULLY. Oh, don’t say that.
JOHN. You’ve acknowledged that little woman as your wife. She’s not the sort to be played with.
TULLY. Oh, don’t talk like that.
JOHN. But I do talk like that.
TULLY. Here—take my key—step over the balcony—(pointing to windowL.C.)—get through my window and go out through my flat and come back the same way.
JOHN. Along the balcony and through your flat! They wouldn’t see me then. I could do it in twenty minutes in a taxi, couldn’t I?
TULLY. Easily!
JOHN. Top-hole—that’s splendid!
(Exit doorR.)
TULLY. There isn’t a soul at home—the maid’s out. (At card-table—calling.) I say, you’ll play this nap out when you come back?
JOHN(spoken off). What say?
TULLY. You’ll play this nap out when you comeback?
JOHN(spoken off). Oh yes!
TULLY. I’ll leave the cards just as they are.
JOHN(spoken off). Right-o!
TULLY. I won’t look at your hand.
JOHN(off). All right!
TULLY. Do you know this is the fourth nap I’ve been done out of?
JOHN(off). Bad luck!
TULLY. How long will you be?
JOHN(off). About twenty minutes, I should say.
TULLY. Somehow I don’t quite like being left here alone.
JOHN(off). Why not?
TULLY. I have a presentiment of impending disaster.
JOHN(off). Say it again!
TULLY(shouting). I have an impediment of presenting disaster.
(JOHNenters in overcoat, muffler and hat.N.B.—He completes his change after next exit.)
JOHN. You do get hold of the most absurd expressions! Now, all we’ve got to do is to keep Mamie quiet until we get this money and then everything will be O.K. (Crossing up to window,L.C.). I’ll be as quick as I can. Which way do I go?
(Both by open window upL.C.)
TULLY. Just step over the balcony.
(ExitJOHNthrough window.)
The second window to the right. (Calling afterJOHN.) Mind the geraniums, just step over them and don’t be seen.
JOHN(heard off). They’ll take me for a creeper, won’t they?
(TULLYstands out on balcony watchingJOHN.)
(PAMELArushes in dramatically, closing the door after her.)
PAMELA. John! John! The doctor—the doctor. (Rushes across and opens doorR.,calling off.) John! The doctor from the Motor ’Bus Company is coming—John. (Back toC.,moves card-table toL.) John, John! Where are you!
(TULLYcomes down from window.)
Oh, Mr. Tully, where’s John?
TULLY. I couldn’t say at the moment.
PAMELA. John! Is he in the house?
(TULLYopening and shutting his mouth, but saying nothing.)
Oh, please don’t stand there yawning!
TULLY. I’m not yawning. I’m trying to say something.
PAMELA. Where—is—John?
TULLY(with a gulp). He’s out.
PAMELA. Out! Impossible! Are you sure?
TULLY. Q—q—quite sure.
PAMELA. Where has he gone?
TULLY. He’s gone to—five hundred clubs——
PAMELA(turning downL.). Great Heavens! And we’ve waited for this day!
TULLY. We? We’ve waited for this day?
PAMELA(dashes to doorL.Stands with her back to it). Mr. Tully, you and I are the only people in this house.
TULLY(alarmed and going downR.) Oh, don’t say that—don’t say that?
PAMELA. We cannot miss this opportunity!
TULLY. Opportunity? Can’t we? Oh, don’t saythat! Don’t say that! (Moving away in apprehension.)
PAMELA. But I do say it. (CrossingC.) And you can’t have an atom of pluck unless you do as I ask.
TULLY. Really, this is most embarrassing.
PAMELA(madly). I want you to get into pyjamas as quickly as you can. (Removes her hat and putting it on tableL.C.)
TULLY. Get into pyjamas! I’ve never been asked to do such a thing in my life! (Trembling all over.) Not for all the gold in the Bank of England, Mrs. Ayers.
PAMELA(comingC.). Yes, yes,please.For my sake! dear Mr. Tully (Then up to windowL.)
TULLY. Not for any woman breathing. Your endearments are wasted on me. Oh, I knew this would happen one day. I knew some woman would get me into a corner.
PAMELA. I only want you to take John’s place.
TULLY. Hoh! Hoh!
PAMELA. Please—please—(advancing toTULLY)—just for a little time while John is out.
TULLY. But it’s right against my principles.
PAMELA. It’s our only chance. (Crosses to arm-chair, kneels on front of it, looking up atTULLY,who is behind it, and pleading.) He may be back here at any moment. You’ll have to do this for me really, Mr. Tully.
TULLY. I’ll never do it unless you use force—and a woman can’t force a man to get into pyjamas. It isn’t legal! (Dashes up to windowR. PAMELAfollows him.) If you come any nearer I’ll shriek from the window!
(Bell heard offL.)
PAMELA(up to windowL.quickly—looks out—then back again). Thereisthe doctor! I knew it! Now what on earth are we going to do
TULLY. The doctor??
PAMELA. Yes, the doctor!
TULLY. The doctor??? (Sits in arm-chair.) Oh—the doctor! Whydidn’tyou make your meaning clear just now?
PAMELA. What did you think I meant?
(TULLYvery embarrassed.)
What did you think I meant? (Coming down toTULLY.)
TULLY. Well, what you said.
(Bell heard offL.)
PAMELA. That man is out there on the doorstep now, and—and there’s no John. A doctor and no patient! And we swore he was unable to leave his bed.
TULLY. Oh, dear, dear, dear!
(Bell heard offL.—Both listen.)
(Rising.) Perhaps if we keep quite quiet he’ll go away.
PAMELA. No, he knows wemustbe in the house. Mr. Tully, this doctor has never even seen John—doesn’t know him from Adam.
TULLY. I won’t impersonate Adam!
PAMELA. Would it be asking too much of you to let him think that you—are—my husband?
TULLY. Well, if you put it like that, and you think I could, I’ll do my best.
PAMELA. Very well, go and get into bed.
TULLY. Oh no, I couldn’t get into bed. I can’t bear people to see me in bed. What about the chair? The inspector saw John when he was sitting up. Why couldn’t he see me in the chair?
(Bell heard off.)
PAMELA. Oh, very well. Be as quick as you can. I’ll keep the doctor talking. (Crossing to doorL.) Groan—groan when you’re ready. Get into John’s pyjamas. (At door.) I’d do the same for you!
(PAMELAruns offL.)
TULLY. Oh! O-oh!
(TULLYruns offR.)
(TULLYre-enters with pyjamas, puts them on back of arm-chair, looks round room, hops up to windowL.,draws curtains, hops along to windowR.,draws curtains—goes to Standard lamp above doorL.,switches off light—then over to arm-chair—he puts on pyjama jacket over clothes, picks up pyjama trousers, holds them against himself—then looks towards doorsR.andL.,as if some one might be looking through keyholes, goes to fireplace and brings small firescreen to down toR.of arm-chair—puts on trousers, jumps himself into them, fastens them up, takes screen back to fireplace, comes back to arm-chair, wraps blanket round him, lies back in arm-chair and groans loudly.PAMELAenters and crosses toTULLY.)
PAMELA. I’ve told him you’re not awake. Pretend to be asleep. (Switches on lights and exitL.Re-enters almost immediately holding door open.) Oh, come in, doctor. (Then crossing toTULLY.)
(DR. BIGLANDenters, hat and bag in hand. He is a fairly corpulent man of fifty, and blunt in manner—places hat and bag on small table downL.)
This is our patient, doctor. (Gets to back of arm-chair.)
DOCTOR. Ahem! Wouldn’t he be better in bed?
PAMELA. That is what I try to impress on him, but he says he feels the pain less sitting up. And you can’t persuade him; his mind seems thoroughly unhinged since the accident.
(DOCTORcrosses over toTULLY,puts head toTULLY’Sheart.TULLYmakes a face.DOCTORraises his head, almost catchingTULLYmaking a face.)
A pity to wake him, don’t you think?
(DOCTORstill examiningTULLY.)
This is the best sleep he’s had for weeks.
(JOHNis entering by windowL.,seeingDOCTORhe retires immediately.)
DOCTOR(having finished his examination, crossesC.) I understood he was quite a small man.
(TULLYslides down in chair, trying to make himself look smaller—a very conspicuous movement.)
PAMELA. Yes, hewas.But he seems to have grown considerably since the accident.
(DOCTORgoes toTULLY,feels his pulse.)
Oh, don’t wake him, please doctor.
DOCTOR. Oh, I shan’t wake him. Don’t worry!
(TULLYsnores loudly.)
(ToPAMELA.) Any throat trouble.
PAMELA. No—I—er—he hasn’t complained of any.
DOCTOR. Keeps you awake at night a good deal, I dare say? (GoingL.)
PAMELA. Oh! yes. He—does.
DOCTOR. By the way, has Mr. Trippett, the inspector of claims for our company—has he been here to-day?
PAMELA. No—no, doctor—not to my knowledge.
DOCTOR. I was wondering, that’s all. He said he would meet me here to discuss the case.
(TULLYshows nervousness.)
PAMELA. No, I don’t think he’s called.
DOCTOR. Ah, probably he’ll come later. This matter has been hanging on too long, you know. It ought to have been settled up days ago.
PAMELA. Yes, I quite—quite agree.
DOCTOR(takes out watch). Well, I have another call to pay—close by here. I’ll look back a little later on. Perhaps he’ll be awake then.
PAMELA. Thank you, doctor. (Crosses to doorL.,holds door open.)
DOCTOR(picks up hat and follows her). Allowme.(Is going off.)
(TULLYrises in chair and stares after him.)
Oh, I’m forgetting my bag (Turning he almost catchesTULLYlooking, TULLYcollapses immediately.)
PAMELA. The weather keeps warm—doe-doe-doesn’t it—d-d-doctor?
DOCTOR(picking up bag). It d-d-does—indeed.
(ExitDOCTORL.,followed byPAMELA.)
(JOHNenters at windowL.,comes down quickly, places hat on tableL.C.,comes toTULLY. TULLYstarts up.)
JOHN. Who told you to do this?
TULLY. That’s the doctor from the ’Bus Company.
JOHN. And those are my new pyjamas. (Throwing coat and scarf on to settee at back.)
TULLY. I know—I know—er——
(EnterPAMELA.)
PAMELA. Oh, there you are, John!
JOHN(angrily). Who, who is responsible for this absurd jumble? (Pointing toTULLY.) And who does the doctor thinkthatis?
PAMELA. Whyyou!You, of course. There was no one else here when the doctor came, andsome onehad to be ill in bed.
JOHN. But not in a—chair!I know this game backwards. If you can get five hundred in bed, you can’t get fifty in a chair. (ToTULLY.) You’ve mucked up the whole show!
TULLY. I’m quite sureIdidn’t want to do it. (Turns his back onJOHN.)
JOHN(holding forth). And it’s not very flattering to me if he goes out and about and becomes known as John Ayers.
TULLY. I simply did it to oblige your wife.
JOHN. If you are in the habit of getting into those things simply to oblige ladies, you’ll soon find yourself in the Divorce Court.
TULLY. Don’t be cruel. (GoingR.)
PAMELA. It’s no use arguing. The doctor has only gone a little way, and he’ll be back here at any minute.
JOHN(toPAMELA). Surely you could have kept the doctor waiting a little while, or made some excuse?
PAMELA. What possible excuse could I make? Last time he called I said you were in your bath.
JOHN. But that was last Friday week; surely another bath wouldn’t be out of place by now!
(TULLYbegins to remove trousers of pyjamas.)
PAMELA(alarmed). Mr. Tully—please—please not in my presence!
JOHN. For Heaven’s sake be decent—be decent!
TULLY(goes up to fireplace, gets behind screen and refastens strings of pyjamas). I’ve had enough of this.
JOHN(back toC.). Can’t you see the awful situation we’re in? If Trippett calls he’ll demand to seeme;if the doctor comes he’ll expect to seeTully—and if they both come together—Heaven help us!
PAMELA. Hush—Sh! (Hurries up to windowL.)
(JOHNandTULLYstart back in fear.)
JOHN. What is it? What is it?
PAMELA(coming down). Ah! It’s nothing!
JOHN. Well, don’t do it, Pam. It unnerves me.
TULLY(coming downR.). I’d give anything to be out of this.
JOHN. Of course you would. Always thinking of yourself.
(TULLYstoops and pulls down leg of pyjamas.)
And don’t stretch those pyjamas!
TULLY. I don’t enjoy the best of health. I shan’t be a nuisance to you much longer.
JOHN. Why talk like that—you know you will.
(TULLYgoes up to windowR.)
PAMELA. I can’t say thatIam enjoying the situation.
JOHN. Well, don’t lose your heads.
PAMELA. Well, what are we going to do?
JOHN(hand to forehead). Already I have the whole scheme laid out here. It’s perfectly simple. This is absolutely an inspiration. Tully—Tully—must—cut—off—his—moustache!
TULLY(crossing toJOHN). No—I’m ready to obligeto a certain extent—but I’m not going to be messed about!
JOHN. It’s absolutely necessary. I’ve always been clean-shaven, and it’s the first thing that is noticed in a man. (ToPAMELA.) Now get me a pair of scissors—quickly. (PushingTULLYinto arm-chairR.)
(PAMELAgets scissors from tableL.C.and takes them toJOHN.She stands in front ofTULLY. JOHNcuts offTULLY’Smoustache.)
TULLY. I protest. I’m not going to be chopped about.
JOHN(overTULLY). If you only keep still you won’t know anything about it. Now, don’t move or I shall hurt you.
TULLY. I protest—I pro—gurr! gurr!
PAMELA(holdingTULLYdown in arm-chair). Oh, don’t choke him, John!
JOHN. I wouldn’t do anything in the world against his wishes. Keep still. Bertram!
(Moustache is cut off.JOHNgoes downR. PAMELAgoes downL. TULLYsits up in chair.)
I don’t know why you are making all this fuss. There’s practically nothing of it when you come to gather it up. There! I’ve never seen you look so handsome. (Placing moustache in waistcoat pocket.)
PAMELA. Really, I think it suits you, Mr. Tully.
TULLY. But don’t you see, the doctor’s already seen mewitha moustache.
JOHN. Oh, lor!
TULLY. And this is my flute night down at the Mission. (Bell heard offL.)
PAMELA. It’s the doctor back again, I expect.
(Runs up to windowL.,looks off.)
JOHN(pullingTULLYout of chair.) Go on, get into bed. (LeadsTULLYto doorR.)
TULLY. You don’t think he’ll operate on me? Do you?
(ExitTULLYdoorR.)
PAMELA. John, it’s a woman.
JOHN(advancing) A woman!
PAMELA. It’s Mrs. Tully——
JOHN(back quickly to doorR.,puts back against it). Mrs. Tully!!!
PAMELA(comes downC.) Whatever is she coming here for?
JOHN. She knows I’m an invalid and can’t leave the house, and I suppose she imagines that her husband is here. Now, you had better not be seen. Go across quickly into the dining-room (crossing toPAMELA) and shut yourself in.
PAMELA. I want to know exactly why Mrs. Tully has called here.
JOHN. There’s no time to discuss anything. Will you please go and hide in the dining-room?
PAMELA. And leave you alone with that woman? Most certainly not!
JOHN. Then perhapsyouwill be good enough to explain to Mrs. Tully whyherhusband is inyourbedroom!
PAMELA. No, no! Why can’t you explain it.
JOHN. Not in your presence.
PAMELA. Couldn’t Mr. Tully explain if we send his wife in to him?
JOHN. Good heavens, no! He’d go mad!
PAMELA. Why should he?
JOHN. Well—er—he’s only recently been married, and he’s not in his own flat or in his own bed. Hang it, he’s not in his own pyjamas!
PAMELA. Well, I’m going to ask him. (To doorR.)
JOHN. Do please listen to reason, Pam.
PAMELA(knocking on door and calling toTULLY). Mr. Tully, are you in bed?
TULLY(heard off). Yes!
PAMELA. Your wife has called.
TULLY(heard off—a long moan of agony). Oh-h-h-h!
PAMELA. I say your wife has called. We are sending her in to you.
TULLY. Oh-o-h-h-h!
PAMELA. Will you kindly explain everything to her?
(Glass and crockery crash offR.)
(PAMELAstaggers back from door.JOHNbacks up a little rather frightened.)
JOHN. That’s done it!
(TULLYdashes into room—makes a dive for doorL. JOHNcatches him and swings him into chairL.C. TULLYhas blanket round his shoulders and head. He half sits, half lies, in chair in a collapsed condition.)
TULLY. Let me go—let me go!
JOHN(across toPAMELA). I told you what would happen.
PAMELA. Shall I go and fetch mother?
JOHN. Fetch mother! Good heavens, no! Give the poor devil a chance. Have you got any smelling salts?
PAMELA. Scent spray——
JOHN. Yes, that’ll do.
(PAMELAgets scent spray from mantelpiece and gives it toJOHN. JOHNsquirts scent intoTULLY’Sface.TULLYsneezes loudly.)
PAMELA. It’s the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever experienced—to see a man so afraid of his wife.
JOHN. Ah, some of us don’t show it like he does.
(Bell heard offL.)
His marriage was a mistake from the first. (ToPAMELA.) Will you go into the dining-room now, and I’ll see Mrs. Tully here in the presence of her husband and explain everything.
PAMELA. If Mr. Tully will promise to remain in the room.
JOHN. Yes! Yes!
TULLY. No! No!
JOHN(threateningTULLYwith spray). Yes—yes! (TULLYcowers into blanket.) (ToPAMELA.) Now go along as quickly as you can. (Places spray tableR.C.)
PAMELA(crossing to doorL.). But understand I shall expect to hear Mr. Tully’s voice the whole time.
JOHN(crossingL.). You shall—you shall. He shan’t leave the room. And when he’s not talking I’ll get him to sing.
(ExitPAMELAbrisklyL.)
(Turning toTULLY.) Go and let Mamie in as quickly as you can—show her in here—then stand by that door and don’t let anyone else in on any account—and sing—just through the key-hole. It’ll keep Mrs. Ayers quiet.
TULLY(crossing to doorL.). You won’t leave me alone with Miss Fluffie Scott again, will you?
JOHN. I’ll get rid of her as soon as ever I can. Go and let her in quickly.
(TULLYruns out of doorL.)
(JOHNholds the door open looking off—a moment andMAMIEhurries in.)
Come along, Mamie.
(JOHNshuts door, forgetting all aboutTULLY,and catchesTULLY’Sarm in the door.TULLYgives a yell of pain, waggling his hurt fingers.)
Oh, sorry old man, I forgot!
(TULLYshuts door.)
Now don’t leave that door whatever you do—and sing—sing! (JOHNgoes toMAMIE,who isC.)
(TULLYstands close to doorL.and sings“The Rosary.”)
MAMIE(anxiously). Jack, Jack! Did you get my letter?
JOHN. Your letter? What letter?
MAMIE(seeingTULLY,who is singing loudly). What’s that?
JOHN. It’s all right. He’s not listening.
MAMIE. I wrote you about the necklace.
JOHN. But I sent you word last week that the necklace was in the hands of the jeweller.
MAMIE. I know. I told the Rajah that, and he won’t believe me. He’s simply furious. Where is the jeweller’s? Let me take it back to him whether it’s damaged or not. Do!
JOHN. But there isn’t time. I’m expecting my wife at any moment, and you must get away from here.
MAMIE. But I dare not go home without it. (Throwing her arms roundJOHN’Sneck.) Darling, do please!
(TULLYembarrassed, sings louder than ever.)
JOHN(toTULLY). Oh, dry up, dry up! (ToMAMIE.) Well, now I’ll tell you the truth—the jeweller sent the necklace back yesterday, and I’ve given it to my wife to take care of.
MAMIE(joyfully). Then you’ve got it! You’ve got it!
TULLY(runs towardsJOHN). You’ve got it? You never told me!
JOHN(toTULLY,sharply). Watch that door!
(TULLYresumes singing“The Rosary.”)
(ToMAMIE.) Yes, Mrs. Ayers is wearing it.
MAMIE. Oh, Iampleased. But why didn’t she give it to Mr. Tully, if she thinks I’m his wife?
JOHN. Ah, that’s the point—that’s the trouble. (Nodding his head towardsTULLY.) There are some people in this world you can’t trust.
MAMIE. I could tell you a few things about Mr. Tully. Ask him if he knows a girl called Agnes—she teaches him ragtime down at the Mission.
(TULLYsings louder.)
JOHN(toTULLY). Oh, dry up! Will you dry up!!!
(TULLYdrops on“all fours”and stops singing.)
MAMIE(looking atTULLY). What’s he doing there? Saying his prayers?
JOHN. He must keep to that door in case Mrs. Ayers comes back.
(TULLYhas stopped singing and is trying hard not to listen.)
MAMIE. Well, give me the necklace, and I’ll be off at once.
JOHN. I’ll send it on to you to-morrow.
MAMIE. No, I dare not go home without it.
JOHN. But how can I give it to you? Mrs. Ayers is wearing it round her neck.
MAMIE. Can’t I wait till she returns?
JOHN. No, no! She doesn’t know you’re here. And you must leave at once before she comes back.
(PAMELAknocks loudly outside door.TULLYjumps up.MAMIEandJOHNstart—all silent.)
PAMELA(off). I can’t hear Mr. Tully’s voice!
JOHN(toTULLY). Sing! sing!
(TULLYresumes singing:“I hear you calling me.”)
MAMIE. ThatisMrs. Ayers—now you can give me the necklace.
JOHN(back toMAMIE). That’s impossible. I don’t want her to know you’re here.
MAMIE(raising her voice). But it doesn’t matter if she thinks I am Mrs. Tully!
TULLY. (crosses toJOHN). I object to that being shouted broadcast.
JOHN(toTULLY). You keep quiet! (ToMAMIE.) You see, he objects—and don’t be so unfeeling. We’re expecting the doctor here at any minute, I’m as ill as I can be, and Tully may be operated on at any moment.
(Grimaces fromTULLY.)
MAMIE. I don’t care who’s operated on. I’m not going home without that necklace. (Almost in tears.)
JOHN. Can’t you see the trouble we’re in?
MAMIE. There’ll be worse trouble when the Rajah arrives.
JOHN. Good heavens! You haven’t told the Rajah about me?
MAMIE. What else could I do? And I had to give him your address.
JOHN. Oh, Tully, Tully, she’s given the Rajah my address!
MAMIE(bursting into tears). What else could I do? Boo—boo—— It’s not my fault, and why should I be blamed for it. Boo, boo, boo! (Sitting in arm-chairR.)
JOHN(down toMAMIE). There, don’t cry, don’t cry.
(TULLYbursts into tears.)
What’s the matter with you?
TULLY. I can’t bear to see a woman cry.
(MAMIEshrieks and yells and kicks up her feet.)
JOHN. Hold her feet down! (Sits onMAMIE’Sfeet.) (ToTULLY.)Don’t leave that door!
(TULLYpeeps out of doorL.and crosses toJOHN.)
TULLY. John! The doctor’s arrived!
JOHN(still sitting onMAMIE’Sfeet). Say—say you’re having a bath; you won’t be long.
TULLY(speaking through keyhole). I’m in my bath! I shan’t be long!!!
JOHN. You’re not shouting the odds at a race meeting!
TULLY. I’m in my bath—I shan’t be long—splash—splash—(moves up and down, as if covering himself with water) splash. (TULLYuses blanket like a towel, drying his back, up and down, exaggerated movements.) I’m drying—I’m dying——
JOHN. Oh! Good heavens, this is awful. (Rises, looks atMAMIE.) She’s fainting, she’s fainting, what shall we do?
TULLY. Put a key down her back!
JOHN. Well, give me a key. (TULLYrushes to doorL.) No! Not that one, idiot! We may want that! (TULLYtakes long strides over to doorR.)
JOHN. You’ll split those pyjamas!
(TULLYgivesJOHNkey from doorR.)
Is this the proper thing to do? (Drops key behindMAMIEon to arm-chair—as if down her back.)
JOHN. Ah! she’s coming round. No more tears! No more tears, little girl!
MAMIE(rises and puts arm onJOHN’Sshoulder). No, no more tears, no more tears! (TurningR.she seesTULLY—and screams at sight of him—turns toJOHN.)
JOHN(leadingMAMIEoff into roomR.). There, dear, no more tears, you come along into this room and you shall have the necklace, I promise you——
MAMIE. You really mean that, Jack——
JOHN. Of course I mean it—now come along.
(ExitMAMIEandJOHNroomR.)
TULLY. Oh, Mrs. Ayers! (GoingC.and singing:) “Oh dry those tears, oh calm those fears.”
JOHN(entering quickly and trying to lock doorR.). The key—where’s the key?
TULLY. You put it down Fluffie’s back!
(PAMELArushes on from doorL.)
PAMELA. The doctor says he can’t wait much longer.
(ExitPAMELAquickly.)
JOHN(crosses toTULLY). I suppose you realize that something’s got to be done. This girl demands the necklace—the police have been informed, and the Rajah is rampant. The ’Bus Company claim me as a patient, and my married happiness rocks in the balance.
TULLY. Oh, don’t talk like that.
JOHN. Go on, get into that chair. (PushingTULLYto arm-chairR.)
TULLY. Haven’t I done enough for one day?
JOHN. At this very moment you can wreck my life, and you’re going to take advantage of it. Bertram! Bertram!
(PressesTULLYdown into arm-chairR.)
What did I do with those pieces of your moustache?
TULLY. You put them in your pocket.
JOHN. Ah, so I did. (JOHNpicks up hat and is going to window.)
TULLY(in arm-chair and drawing blanket round him). You’re not going to leave me in this awful predicament?
JOHN. I shall be back immediately. I have a brilliant idea, that will clear up everything. Now, don’t forget you are John Ayers.
TULLY. I’m John Ayers??
JOHN(over to doorL.). You can come in. (Back toTULLY.) Moan a little, and for heaven’s sake try and look intelligent.
(JOHNgoes off through windows left.TULLYmakes faces,as if intelligent.PAMELAentersL.,followed byDOCTOR.)
PAMELA(crossing toTULLY). Ah, here he is, doctor.
DOCTOR(putting hat and bag on tableL.C.). Is he awake?
PAMELA. Are you awake, dear?
TULLY. No! (PAMELAslaps his head)—er—yes—yes.
DOCTOR. Still sitting up, and after a bath too; it’s not wise.
PAMELA. We can’t keep him in bed; he’s so full of spirits.
DOCTOR. Yes, yes, I quite understand. Now, don’t distress yourself, my dear lady. (Gets chair fromR.of tableL.C.and places it on left of arm-chair.) You have your own medical man attending, of course.
PAMELA. Oh yes, doctor, ofcourse.(Imitating doctor’s accent.) But I don’t think he understands the case, although he thinks it very serious.
(DOCTORsits in chair. Loud knocks heard offL.)
DOCTOR. I think that must be Mr. Trippett.
(TULLYstarts up—frightened.)
PAMELA(going to doorL.). Excuse me a moment.
(ExitPAMELAdoorL.)
(DOCTORwatches her off.TULLYquickly rises and hides behind arm-chair.DOCTORturns round to examineTULLY,finds the chair empty, looks dumbfounded, scratches his head, pushes blanket down, which has been left on chair, turns left, looks under his own chair, then looks upL. TULLYgets quickly back into arm-chair again and pulls blanket round him—feigns sleep.DOCTORturns again to arm-chair, seesTULLY,can’t believe his eyes, pinches himself, liftsTULLY’Sarm.TULLYdrops it.DOCTORliftsTULLY’Sarm again.TULLYholds it up this time and moves fingers.)
DOCTOR. Now then, young man, I want you to tell me exactly where you feel this pain. We don’t want you to remain an invalid all your life, although I dare say a little compensation will act as a wonderful restorative.
(PAMELAenters holding door open.)
JOHN(peeping round door). Say it’s Mr. Tully. (JOHNis wearing a moustache.)
PAMELA(announcing). Er—Mr. Tully.
TULLY(rising). Yes!
PAMELA. It’s Mr. Tully.
(JOHNenters.)
(DOCTORturns and looks atJOHN. TULLYwalks on knees round arm-chair and then sits covering himself with blanket.)
JOHN(posing asTULLY). May I come in? How d’ye do, Mrs. Ayers? So pleased to see you. And how is the patient to-day?
PAMELA. Not much better, I’m afraid.
JOHN. Oh no, he’s worse—a lot worse. I can see that. (Going behindTULLY.) Poor old John!
TULLY. Poor John!
JOHN. I don’t think we shall have him with us much longer.
(TULLYsits up.)
(Softly.) Bertram.
(TULLYfalls back.)
DOCTOR. I don’t think it’s wise to dishearten the patient like that.
PAMELA(toJOHN). This is the doctor from the Motor ’Bus Company.
JOHN. Oh, how d’ye do? (DOCTORturns toJOHN.) I’m a very old friend of Mr. Ayers, and I’m very sorry to see him struck down like this. (TULLYfallsR.half off chair.JOHNpulls him back again.) It’s a very serious matter.
DOCTOR. Yes. The Company wish me to convey their deep sympathies.
JOHN. Deep sympathies aren’t much good. I’m afraid it will cost them something more than that.
DOCTOR. Oh! He’ll be up and about in a few days.
JOHN. Oh no he won’t.
DOCTOR. Oh yes he will!
JOHN. Oh no he won’t!
DOCTOR. Oh yes he will!
JOHN. Oh no he won’t!Ican promise you that. Can’t you see the man has been terribly knocked about? (Aside toTULLY.) Groan!
(TULLYgroans long and loudly.)
DOCTOR. Now, tell me, Mrs. Ayers, is he thirsty at all?
PAMELA. No, doctor.
DOCTOR. No, no, he wouldn’t be.
JOHN. But the pain in his back is simply terrible. He raves! (Aside toTULLY.) Rave!
(TULLYraves, pulls hair up on end, imagines he sees something, tries to catch it, and continues any mad business.DOCTORfollows his movements closely and seriously.)
DOCTOR(toPAMELA). Does he have any pains in the head?
PAMELA. N-no—doctor.
DOCTOR. No, no, he wouldn’t have.
JOHN. But his mind’s affected.
DOCTOR. Is he—is he sleepy at all?
PAMELA. No, not as a rule, doctor.
DOCTOR. No, no.
JOHN. No, no, he wouldn’t be. (ImitatingDOCTOR.)
DOCTOR. How dare you, sir? (Turns away in a rage.) Of course a good deal of this may proceed from a previous debilitated state.
PAMELA. Debilitated?
DOCTOR. I understand the patient has led rather a—well—if I may be allowed to say so—rather a gay life?
(TULLYrises annoyed.)
JOHN. Oh no, you’re quite wrong. (Pointing toTULLY.) No one can ever say that John Ayers went the pace. I’ve known John ever since I was born and I can safely say he’s a living saint, isn’t he, Mrs. Ayers?
PAMELA(with a gulp). Er—yes—yes, of course.
JOHN. If anyone knocks about at all, you might accuse me. I’m known everywhere as Tully the Rake.
(TULLYsits up in protest.)
(Aside.) Bertram!
(TULLYfalls back in chair.)
DOCTOR. There’s just one more question, Mrs. Ayers. Does he have any cold sweats?
JOHN. Yes, he lives entirely on soda-water.
DOCTOR. I said, sir, does he have anycold sweats?
JOHN. Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you said Schweppes.
DOCTOR. Schweppes!!
PAMELA(crossing toR.of arm-chair). Yes, he perspires a good deal.
JOHN(aside toTULLY). Perspire!
(TULLYperspires—wipes head—then wrings handkerchief out.)
DOCTOR. Perspires. That’s quite natural. (ToTULLY.) Now then, will you tell me exactly where you feel this pain in the back?
JOHN(getting betweenDOCTORandTULLY). Just up between the ribs.
(DOCTORdigsJOHNin back.)
Oh, that’s the very place!
DOCTOR. Will youlet the patienttell me?
JOHN. But he doesn’t know as well as I do.
TULLY(pointing toJOHN). Mr. Ayers—er—Mr. Tully, this gentleman knows all about it.
DOCTOR. Mr. Tully, Mr. Tully! Where have I heard that name before? Ah,youwere in the ’bus accident with him, I believe? (ToJOHN.)
JOHN. No, that was my brother.
DOCTOR. Your brother? And he escaped unhurt?
JOHN. Er—yes. He fell on top of a fat old woman who was sitting opposite.
DOCTOR. Yes, that poor lady had three ribs broken. (Rises.) Still, that concerns your brother. (Sarcastically.JOHNandTULLYexchange looks.DOCTORtakes chair up toR.of tableL.C.,opens bag.) I can’t quite understand all this, you know—according to Mr. Trippett’s report, the patient was a much smaller man. (Takes out stethoscope from bag, wiping it with his handkerchief and coming downL.)
JOHN(over toDOCTOR). Surely, you’re not going to measure him, doctor? Hang it all, he’s not dead yet.
DOCTOR. No, I simply wish to examine him, that’s all. (Turning toJOHN.) Although I have taken the measure of many people in my time.
(JOHNturns away and up stage.)
Now, Mrs. Ayers, will you kindly loosen the patient’s things a little—just in front.
(TULLYdrags his pyjama jacket tightly round him, very much alarmed.PAMELAlooks atJOHNin despair.)
JOHN(down toTULLY). PerhapsIcan assist.
DOCTOR. I shall feel much obliged, sir, if you will not interfere. (DOCTORgoes over to table downL.,keeps his back towards the others.)
PAMELA. Couldn’t you examine him better in bed, doctor?
DOCTOR. Undoubtedly!
(MAMIEenters from doorR. JOHNsees her and pushes her back.)
JOHN. No, I can’t let him go into bed. I don’t advise it. (Shutting doorR.)
TULLY. And I’m not going to strip.
(Bell heard offL.)
PAMELA(up to windowL.,looks off). It’s Mr. Trippett!
DOCTOR. Mr. Trippett, good! He’s just in time!
JOHN(toTULLY). Good! He’s just in time. Thatislucky. Iamglad!
DOCTOR. He promised to meet me here. (Takes out watch.)
JOHN(crosses toDOCTOR). Isn’t it Motor ’Bus etiquette for you to discuss the case with Mr. Trippett in private?
DOCTOR. No, I don’t think that’s at all necessary.
(Goes up to tableL.C.,puts stethoscope in bag.)
JOHN. I’m sure both Mr. and Mrs. Ayers would like you to consult before anything is said or done in the matter. The dining-room is at your service.
PAMELA(crossing to and opening doorL.). Yes—yes—of course.
DOCTOR. Well, if you particularly wish it, I’ll see Mr. Trippett.
PAMELA. This way, doctor.
DOCTOR. I thank you, madam, I thank you.
(DOCTORexits, followed byPAMELA. JOHNplaces chairL.C.under table.TULLYjumps up.)
TULLY. I’ve had enough of this! I’m going mad!
JOHN. Bertram! Bertram!
TULLY. Bertram be damned! (Holds his mouth instantly.)
JOHN(crosses toTULLY). I think you’re very ungrateful. Just as everything’s going so splendidly.
TULLY. Splendidly! Is it? Do you think Mr. Trippett and the doctor are going to swallow this tale. I’ve lost my reputation and I’ve lost my moustache!
(PAMELArushes in and closes door.)
PAMELA. Mr. Trippett would like to see you now. He’s in rather a hurry. What will you do?
JOHN. That’s all right. Send Trippett in here in two seconds and keep the doctor in there and keep calm.
(PAMELAexitsL.)
TULLY. Everything’s going splendidly. Everything’s going splendidly. (Taking wild leaps into the air.)
JOHN(toTULLY). Go on, get behind that screen.
(Gets into chair and draws blanket round him.)
TULLY(going up to fireplace). If ever I get out of this I’ll leave the neighbourhood. (Kneels behind screen in fireplace.)
JOHN. Don’t talk like that.
MAMIE(rushes on from doorR.). Jack, I can’t wait any longer. Where’s the necklace?
JOHN(rises and crosses toMAMIE). It’s all right, only wait.
MAMIE. My darling, whathaveyou been doing?
JOHN. What?
MAMIE. That dreadful moustache.
JOHN. Oh, they’ve been putting me under glass. (PushesMAMIEoff downR.)
(TULLYgroans.)
Don’t you groan. I’m the patient now!
(Sits in arm-chair again.PAMELArushes in toC. TULLYpeeps round from screen.)
PAMELA. John, the doctor says he must examine you before discussing the case with Mr. Trippett.
JOHN(rising). Good heavens! Can’t they make up their minds? They must be a couple of weathercocks.All right—send the doctor in—wait till you hear Tully groan.
PAMELA. Mr. Tully will be in the chair?
JOHN. Yes, yes. We’re quite prepared. Wait till he groans, that’s all.
(PAMELAexitsL.)
(ToTULLY.) Go on, get into that chair. (Arranging blanket.) The doctor’s coming in.
(TULLYcomes down to arm-chair.PAMELArushes in.)
PAMELA(breathlessly). John, Mr. Trippett and the doctor are both coming in together!
JOHN. Both together!
(JOHNandTULLYboth rush for arm-chair.)
Wait, I know. Say there’s an escape of gas.
PAMELA. Electric light! Look!
TULLY. Say the lease of the flat is up!
JOHN(pushingTULLYinto chair). Don’t be a fool. Say I’m dead!
(Door-bell heard offL.)
PAMELA(up to window). John, there’s a coloured man at the door!
JOHN. A coloured man! Good heavens, it’s the Rajah!
(TULLYrushes up to windowsR.C.with blankets on arm.)
PAMELA. The Rajah?
JOHN. Yes! Tell him I’m buried and won’t be back for a week!
(MAMIEenters doorR.)
PAMELA. But whoisthe Rajah?
JOHN. Just a friend of mine.
MAMIE. Excuse me, he’s a friend ofmine.
PAMELA. Yours!
MAMIE. Yes, a friend of mine, and Imusthave that necklace. Will you kindly give it to me, Mrs. Ayers?
PAMELA. This necklace—how dare you—it’s mine.
(MAMIEandPAMELAboth quarrel violently about it and argue madly till fall of curtain.TULLYgoes toMAMIEat the same time asJOHNgoes toPAMELA.They both throw the men off.TULLYhas taken blanket from arm-chair.JOHNis going to doorL.)
TULLY. Not that way, John! Not that way!
(JOHNandTULLYmeet centre, TULLYthrows blanket over both of them and they crawl out of windowL. DOCTORandTRIPPETTenter together talking.DOCTORsees the two men crawling off, he drawsTRIPPETT’Sattention, and they both look on aghast.)
CURTAIN.