THE KEY.ThisRomancewas, by some Mischance or other, dropp’d in theMinster-Yard, York, and pick’d up by a Member of a small Political Club in that City; where it was carried, and publickly read to the Members the last Club Night.It was instantly agreed to, by a great Majority, That it was aPolitical Romance;but concerning what State or Potentate, could not so easily be settled amongst them.The President of the Night, who is thought to be as clear and quick-lighted as any one of the whole Club in Things of this Nature, discovered plainly, That the Disturbances therein set forth, related to those on theContinent:—ThatTrimcould be Nobody but the King ofFrance, by whole shifting and intriguing Behaviour, allEuropewas set together by the Ears:—ThatTrim’s Wife was certainly theEmpress, who are as kind together, says he, as any Man and Wife can be for their Lives.—The more Shame for ’em, says an Alderman, low to himself.—Agreeable to this Key, continues the President,—TheParson, who I think is a most excellent Character,—is His Most Excellent Majesty KingGeorge;—John, the Parish-Clerk, is the King ofPrussia;who, by the Manner of his first enteringSaxony, shew’d the World most evidently,—That he did know how to lead out the Psalm, and in Tune and Time too, notwithstandingTrim’s vile Insult upon him in that Particular.—But who do you think, says a Surgeon and Man-Midwife, who sat next him, (whose Coat-Button the President, in the Earnestness of this Explanation, had got fast hold of, and had thereby partly drawn him over to his Opinion) Who do you think, Mr. President, says he, are meant by theChurch-Wardens, Sides-Men, Mark Slender, Lorry Slim, &c.—Who do I think? says he, Why,—Why, Sir, as I take the Thing,—theChurch-WardensandSides-Men, are theElectorsand the otherPrinceswho form theGermanick Body.—And as for the other subordinate Characters ofMark Slim?—theunlucky Wightin the Plush Breeches,—theParson’s Manwho was so often out of the Way, &c. &c.—these, to be sure, are the severalMarshalsandGenerals, who fought, or should have fought, under them the last Campaign.—The Men inBuckram, continued the President, are the Grofs of the King ofPrussia’s Army, who are asstiffa Body of Men as are in the World:—AndTrim’s saying they were twelve, and then nineteen, is a Wipe for theBrussels Gazetteer, who, to my Knowledge, was never two Weeks in the same Story, about that or any thing else.As for the rest of theRomance, continued the President, it sufficiently explains itself,—TheOld-cast-Pair-of-Black-Plush-Breechesmust beSaxony, which theElector, you see,has left of wearing:—And as for theGreat Watch-Coat, which, you know, covers all, it signifies allEurope;comprehending, at least, so many of its different States and Dominions, as we have any Concern with in the present War.I protest, says a Gentleman who sat next but one to the President, and who, it seems, was the Parson of the Parish, a Member not only of the Political, but also of a Musical Club in the next Street;—I protest, says he, if this Explanation is right, which I think it is, That the whole makes a very fine Symbol.—You have always some Musical Instrument or other in your Head, I think, says the Alderman.—Musical instrument! replies the Parson, in Astonishment,—Mr. Alderman, I mean an Allegory; and I think the greedy Disposition ofTrimand his Wife, in ripping theGreat Watch-Coatto Pieces, in order to convert it into a Petticoat for the one, and a Jerkin for the other, is one of the most beautiful of the Kind I ever met with; and will shew all the World what have been the true Views and Intentions of the Houses ofBourbonandAustriain this abominable Coalition,—I might have called it Whoredom:—Nay, says the Alderman, ’tis downright Adulterydom, or nothing.This Hypothesis of the President’s explain’d every Thing in theRomanceextreamly well; and, withall, was delivered with so much Readiness and Air of Certainty, as begot an Opinion in two Thirds of the Club, that Mr. President was actually the Author of theRomancehimself: But a Gentleman who sat on the opposite Side of the Table, who had come piping-hot from reading the History of KingWilliam’s and QueenAnne’s Wars, and who was thought, at the Bottom, to envy the President the Honour both of theRomanceand Explanation too, gave an entire new Turn to it all. He acquainted the Club, That Mr. President was altogether wrong in every Supposition he had made, except that one, where theGreat Watch-Coatwas said by him to representEurope, or at least a great Part of it:—So far he acknowledged he was pretty right; but that he had not gone far enough backwards into our History to come at the Truth. He then acquainted them, that the dividing theGreat Watch-Coatdid, and could, allude to nothing else in the World but thePartition-Treaty;which, by the Bye, he told them, was the most unhappy and scandalous Transaction in all KingWilliam’s Life: It was that false Step, and that only, says he, rising from his Chair, and striking his Hand upon the Table with great Violence; it was that false Step, says he, knitting his Brows and throwing his Pipe down upon the Ground, that has laid the Foundation of all the Disturbances and Sorrows we feel and lament at this very Hour; and as forTrim’s giving up theBreeches, look ye, it is almost Word for Word copied from theFrenchKing andDauphin’s Renunciation ofSpainand theWest-Indies, which all the World knew (as was the very Case of theBreeches) were renounced by them on purpose to be reclaim’d when Time should serve.This Explanation had too much Ingenuity in it to be altogether slighted; and, in Truth, the worst Fault it had, seem’d to be the prodigious Heat of it; which (as an Apothecary, who sat next the Fire, observ’d, in a very low Whisper to his next Neighbour) was so much incorporated into every Particle of it, that it was impossible, under such Fermentation, it should work its defined Effect.This, however, no way intimidated a little valiant Gentleman, though he sat the very next Man, from giving an Opinion as diametrically opposite asEastis fromWest.This Gentleman, who was by much the best Geographer in the whole Club, and, moreover, second Cousin to an Engineer, was positive theBreechesmeantGibraltar;for, if you remember, Gentlemen, says he, tho’ possibly you don’t, the Ichnography and Plan of that Town and Fortress, it exactly resembles a Pair of Trunk-Hose, the two Promontories forming the two Slops, &c. &c.—Now we all know, continued he, that KingGeorgethe First made a Promise of that important Pass to the King ofSpain:—So that the whole Drift of theRomance, according to my Sense of Things, is merely to vindicate the King and the Parliament in that Transaction, which made so much Noise in the World.A Wholesale Taylor, who from the Beginning had resolved not to speak at all in the Debate,—was at last drawn into it, by something very unexpected in the last Person’s Argument.He told the Company, frankly, he did not understand whatIchnographymeant:—But as for the Shape of aPair of Breeches, as he had had the Advantage of cutting out so many hundred Pairs in his Life-Time, he hoped he might be allowed to know as much of the Matter as another Man.Now, to my Mind, says he, there is nothing in all the Terraqueous Globe (a Map of which, it seems, hung up in his Work-Shop) so like aPair of Breechesunmade up, as the Island ofSicily:—Nor is there any thing, if you go to that, quoth an honest Shoe-maker, who had the Honour to be a Member of the Club, so much like aJack-Boot, to my Fancy, as the Kingdom ofItaly.—What the Duce has eitherItalyorSicilyto do in the Affair? cries the President, who, by this Time, began to tremble for his Hypothesis,—What have they to do?—Why, answered thePartition-TreatyGentleman, with great Spirit and Joy sparkling in his Eyes,—They have just so much, Sir, to do in the Debate as to overthrow your Suppositions, and to establish the Certainty of mine beyond the Possibility of a Doubt: For, says he, (with an Air of Sovereign Triumph over the President’s Politicks)—By thePartition-Treaty, Sir, bothNaplesandSicilywere the very Kingdoms made to devolve upon theDauphin;—andTrim’sgreasing the Parson’s Boots, is a Devilish Satyrical Stroke;—for it exposes the Corruption, and Bribery made Use of at that Juncture, in bringing over the several States and Princes ofItalyto use their Interests atRome, to stop the Pope from giving the Investitures of those Kingdoms to any Body else.—The Pope has not the Investiture ofSicily, cries another Gentleman.—I care not, says he, for that.Almost every one apprehended the Debate to be now ended, and that no one Member would venture any new Conjecture upon theRomance, after so many clear and decisive Interpretations had been given. But, hold,—Close to the Fire, and opposite to where the Apothecary sat, there sat also a Gentleman of the Law, who, from the Beginning to the End of the Hearing of this Case, seem’d no way satisfied in his Conscience with any one Proceeding in it. This Gentleman had not yet opened his Mouth, but had waited patiently till they had all gone thro’ their several Evidences on the other Side;—reserving himself, like an expert Practitioner, for the last Word in the Debate. When thePartition-Treaty-Gentleman had finish’d what he had to say,—He got up,—and, advancing towards the Table, told them, That the Error they had all gone upon thus far, in making out the several Facts in theRomance,—was in looking too high; which, with great Candor, he said, was a very natural Thing, and very excusable withall, in such a Political Club as theirs: For Instance, continues he, you have been searching theRegisters, and looking into theDeedsofKingsandEmperors,—as if Nobody had anyDeedsto shew or compare theRomanceto but themselves.—This, continued the Attorney, is just as much out of the Way of good Practice, as if I should carry a Thing slap-dash into the House of Lords, which was under forty Shillings, and might be decided in the next County-Court for six Shillings and Eight-pence.—He then took theRomancein his Left Hand, and pointing with the Fore-Finger of his Right towards the second Page, he humbly begg’d Leave to observe, (and, to do him Justice, he did it in somewhat of aforensic Air) That theParson, John, andSexton, shewed incontestably the Thing to beTripartite;now, if you will take Notice, Gentlemen, says he, these several Persons, who are Parties to this Instrument, are merely Ecclesiastical; that theReading-Desk, Pulpit-Cloth, andVelvet Cushion, are tripartite too; and are, by Intendment of Law, Goods and Chattles merely of an Ecclesiastick Nature, belonging and appertaining ‘only unto them,’and to them only.—So that it appears very plain to me, That theRomance, neither directly nor indirectly, goes upon Temporal, but altogether upon Church-Matters.—And do not you think, says he, softening his Voice a little, and addressing himself to the Parson with a forced Smile,—Do not you think Doctor, says he, That the Dispute in theRomance, between theParsonof the Parish andJohn, about the Height ofJohn’s Desk, is a very fine Panegyrick upon theHumility of Church-Men?—I think, says the Parson, it is much of the same Fineness with that which your Profession is complimented with, in the pimping, dirty, pettyfogging Character ofTrim,—which, in my Opinion, Sir, is just such another Panegyrick upon theHonestyofAttornies.Nothing whets the Spirits like an Insult:—Therefore the Parson went on with a visible Superiority and an uncommon Acuteness.—As you are so happy, Sir, continues he, in making Applications,—pray turn over a Page or two to the black Law-Letters in theRomance.—What do you think of them, Sir?—Nay,—pray read the Grant of theGreat Watch-CoatandTrim’s Renunciation of theBreeches.—Why, there is downrightLeaseandReleasefor you,—’tis the very Thing, Man;—only with this small Difference,—and in which consists the whole Strength of the Panegyric, That the Author of theRomancehas convey’d and re-convey’d, in about ten Lines, —what you, with the glorious Prolixity of the Law, could not have crowded into as many Skins of Parchment.The Apothecary, who had paid the Attorney, the same Afternoon, a Demand of Three Pounds Six Shillings and Eight-Pence, for much such another Jobb,—was so highly tickled with the Parson’s Repartee in that particular Point,—that he rubb’d his Hands together most fervently,—and laugh’d most triumphantly thereupon.This could not escape the Attorney’s Notice, any more than the Cause of it did escape his Penetration.I think, Sir, says he, (dropping his Voice a Third) you might well have spared this immoderate Mirth, since you and your Profession have the least Reason to triumph here of any of us.—I beg, quoth he, that you would reflect a Moment upon theCob-WebwhichTrimwent so far for, and brought back with an Air of so much Importance, in his Breeches Pocket, to lay upon the Parson’s cut Finger.—This said Cob-Web, Sir, is a fine-spun Satyre, upon the flimsy Nature of one Half of the Shop-Medicines, with which you make a Property of the Sick, the Ignorant, and the Unsuspecting.—And as for the Moral of theClose-Stool-Pan, Sir, ’tis too plain, Does not nine Parts in ten of the whole Practice, and of all you vend underits Colours, pass into and concenter in that one nasty Utensil?—And let me tell you, Sir, says he, raising his Voice,—had not your unseasonable Mirth blinded you, you might have seen thatTrim’s carrying the Close-Stool-Pan upon his Head the whole Length of the Town, without blushing, is a pointed Raillery,—and one of the sharpest Sarcasms, Sir, that ever was thrown out upon you;—for it unveils the solemn Impudence of the whole Profession, who, I see, are ashamed of nothing which brings in Money.There were two Apothecaries in the Club, besides the Surgeon mentioned before, with a Chemist and an Undertaker, who all felt themselves equally hurt and aggrieved by this discourteous Retort:—And they were all five rising up together from their Chairs, with full Intent of Heart, as it was thought, to return theReproof Valiantthereupon.—But the President, fearing it would end in a general Engagement, he instantly call’d out,To Order;—and gave Notice, That if there was any Member in the Club, who had not yet spoke, and yet did desire to speak upon the main Subject of the Debate,—that he should immediately be heard.This was a happy Invitation for a stammering Member, who, it seems, had but a weak Voice at the best; and having often attempted to speak in the Debate, but to no Purpose, had sat down in utter Despair of an Opportunity.This Member, you must know, had got a sad Crush upon his Hip, in the lateElection, which gave him intolerable Anguish;—so that, in short, he could think of nothing else:—For which Cause, and others, he was strongly of Opinion, That the wholeRomancewas a just Gird at the lateYorkElection; and I think, says he, that thePromiseof theBreechesbroke, may well and truly signifySomebody’s else Promise, which was broke, and occasion’d to much Disturbance amongst us.Thus every Man turn’d the Story to what was swimming uppermost in his own Brain;—so that, before all was over, there were full as many Satyres spun out of it,—and as great a Variety of Personages, Opinions, Transactions, and Truths, found to lay hid under the dark Veil of its Allegory, as ever were discovered in the thrice-renowned History of the Acts ofGargantuaandPantagruel.At the Close of all, and just before the Club was going to break up,—Mr. President rose from his Chair, and begg’d Leave to make the two following Motions, which were instantly agreed to, without any Division.First, Gentlemen, says he, asTrim’s Character in the Romance, of a shuffling intriguing Fellow,—whoever it was drawn for, is, in Truth, as like theFrench Kingas it can stare,—I move, That theRomancebe forthwithprinted:—For, continues he, if we can but once turn the Laugh against him, and make him asham’d of what he has done, it may be a great Means, with the Blessing of God upon our Fleets and Armies, to save the Liberties ofEurope.In thesecondPlace, I move, That Mr. Attorney, our worthy Member, be desired to take Minutes, upon the Spot, of every Conjecture which has been made upon theRomance, by the several Members who have spoke; which, I think, says he, will answer two good Ends:1st, It will establish the Political Knowledge of our Club for ever, and place it in a respectable Light to all the World.In thenextPlace, it will furnish what will be wanted; that is, aKeyto theRomance.—In troth you might have said a whole Bunch ofKeys, quoth a Whitesmith, who was the only Member in the Club who had not said something in the Debate: But let me tell you, Mr. President, says he, That theRight Key, if it could but be found, would be worth the whole Bunch put together.
ThisRomancewas, by some Mischance or other, dropp’d in theMinster-Yard, York, and pick’d up by a Member of a small Political Club in that City; where it was carried, and publickly read to the Members the last Club Night.
It was instantly agreed to, by a great Majority, That it was aPolitical Romance;but concerning what State or Potentate, could not so easily be settled amongst them.
The President of the Night, who is thought to be as clear and quick-lighted as any one of the whole Club in Things of this Nature, discovered plainly, That the Disturbances therein set forth, related to those on theContinent:—ThatTrimcould be Nobody but the King ofFrance, by whole shifting and intriguing Behaviour, allEuropewas set together by the Ears:—ThatTrim’s Wife was certainly theEmpress, who are as kind together, says he, as any Man and Wife can be for their Lives.—The more Shame for ’em, says an Alderman, low to himself.—Agreeable to this Key, continues the President,—TheParson, who I think is a most excellent Character,—is His Most Excellent Majesty KingGeorge;—John, the Parish-Clerk, is the King ofPrussia;who, by the Manner of his first enteringSaxony, shew’d the World most evidently,—That he did know how to lead out the Psalm, and in Tune and Time too, notwithstandingTrim’s vile Insult upon him in that Particular.—But who do you think, says a Surgeon and Man-Midwife, who sat next him, (whose Coat-Button the President, in the Earnestness of this Explanation, had got fast hold of, and had thereby partly drawn him over to his Opinion) Who do you think, Mr. President, says he, are meant by theChurch-Wardens, Sides-Men, Mark Slender, Lorry Slim, &c.—Who do I think? says he, Why,—Why, Sir, as I take the Thing,—theChurch-WardensandSides-Men, are theElectorsand the otherPrinceswho form theGermanick Body.—And as for the other subordinate Characters ofMark Slim?—theunlucky Wightin the Plush Breeches,—theParson’s Manwho was so often out of the Way, &c. &c.—these, to be sure, are the severalMarshalsandGenerals, who fought, or should have fought, under them the last Campaign.—The Men inBuckram, continued the President, are the Grofs of the King ofPrussia’s Army, who are asstiffa Body of Men as are in the World:—AndTrim’s saying they were twelve, and then nineteen, is a Wipe for theBrussels Gazetteer, who, to my Knowledge, was never two Weeks in the same Story, about that or any thing else.
As for the rest of theRomance, continued the President, it sufficiently explains itself,—TheOld-cast-Pair-of-Black-Plush-Breechesmust beSaxony, which theElector, you see,has left of wearing:—And as for theGreat Watch-Coat, which, you know, covers all, it signifies allEurope;comprehending, at least, so many of its different States and Dominions, as we have any Concern with in the present War.
I protest, says a Gentleman who sat next but one to the President, and who, it seems, was the Parson of the Parish, a Member not only of the Political, but also of a Musical Club in the next Street;—I protest, says he, if this Explanation is right, which I think it is, That the whole makes a very fine Symbol.—You have always some Musical Instrument or other in your Head, I think, says the Alderman.—Musical instrument! replies the Parson, in Astonishment,—Mr. Alderman, I mean an Allegory; and I think the greedy Disposition ofTrimand his Wife, in ripping theGreat Watch-Coatto Pieces, in order to convert it into a Petticoat for the one, and a Jerkin for the other, is one of the most beautiful of the Kind I ever met with; and will shew all the World what have been the true Views and Intentions of the Houses ofBourbonandAustriain this abominable Coalition,—I might have called it Whoredom:—Nay, says the Alderman, ’tis downright Adulterydom, or nothing.
This Hypothesis of the President’s explain’d every Thing in theRomanceextreamly well; and, withall, was delivered with so much Readiness and Air of Certainty, as begot an Opinion in two Thirds of the Club, that Mr. President was actually the Author of theRomancehimself: But a Gentleman who sat on the opposite Side of the Table, who had come piping-hot from reading the History of KingWilliam’s and QueenAnne’s Wars, and who was thought, at the Bottom, to envy the President the Honour both of theRomanceand Explanation too, gave an entire new Turn to it all. He acquainted the Club, That Mr. President was altogether wrong in every Supposition he had made, except that one, where theGreat Watch-Coatwas said by him to representEurope, or at least a great Part of it:—So far he acknowledged he was pretty right; but that he had not gone far enough backwards into our History to come at the Truth. He then acquainted them, that the dividing theGreat Watch-Coatdid, and could, allude to nothing else in the World but thePartition-Treaty;which, by the Bye, he told them, was the most unhappy and scandalous Transaction in all KingWilliam’s Life: It was that false Step, and that only, says he, rising from his Chair, and striking his Hand upon the Table with great Violence; it was that false Step, says he, knitting his Brows and throwing his Pipe down upon the Ground, that has laid the Foundation of all the Disturbances and Sorrows we feel and lament at this very Hour; and as forTrim’s giving up theBreeches, look ye, it is almost Word for Word copied from theFrenchKing andDauphin’s Renunciation ofSpainand theWest-Indies, which all the World knew (as was the very Case of theBreeches) were renounced by them on purpose to be reclaim’d when Time should serve.
This Explanation had too much Ingenuity in it to be altogether slighted; and, in Truth, the worst Fault it had, seem’d to be the prodigious Heat of it; which (as an Apothecary, who sat next the Fire, observ’d, in a very low Whisper to his next Neighbour) was so much incorporated into every Particle of it, that it was impossible, under such Fermentation, it should work its defined Effect.
This, however, no way intimidated a little valiant Gentleman, though he sat the very next Man, from giving an Opinion as diametrically opposite asEastis fromWest.
This Gentleman, who was by much the best Geographer in the whole Club, and, moreover, second Cousin to an Engineer, was positive theBreechesmeantGibraltar;for, if you remember, Gentlemen, says he, tho’ possibly you don’t, the Ichnography and Plan of that Town and Fortress, it exactly resembles a Pair of Trunk-Hose, the two Promontories forming the two Slops, &c. &c.—Now we all know, continued he, that KingGeorgethe First made a Promise of that important Pass to the King ofSpain:—So that the whole Drift of theRomance, according to my Sense of Things, is merely to vindicate the King and the Parliament in that Transaction, which made so much Noise in the World.
A Wholesale Taylor, who from the Beginning had resolved not to speak at all in the Debate,—was at last drawn into it, by something very unexpected in the last Person’s Argument.
He told the Company, frankly, he did not understand whatIchnographymeant:—But as for the Shape of aPair of Breeches, as he had had the Advantage of cutting out so many hundred Pairs in his Life-Time, he hoped he might be allowed to know as much of the Matter as another Man.
Now, to my Mind, says he, there is nothing in all the Terraqueous Globe (a Map of which, it seems, hung up in his Work-Shop) so like aPair of Breechesunmade up, as the Island ofSicily:—Nor is there any thing, if you go to that, quoth an honest Shoe-maker, who had the Honour to be a Member of the Club, so much like aJack-Boot, to my Fancy, as the Kingdom ofItaly.—What the Duce has eitherItalyorSicilyto do in the Affair? cries the President, who, by this Time, began to tremble for his Hypothesis,—What have they to do?—Why, answered thePartition-TreatyGentleman, with great Spirit and Joy sparkling in his Eyes,—They have just so much, Sir, to do in the Debate as to overthrow your Suppositions, and to establish the Certainty of mine beyond the Possibility of a Doubt: For, says he, (with an Air of Sovereign Triumph over the President’s Politicks)—By thePartition-Treaty, Sir, bothNaplesandSicilywere the very Kingdoms made to devolve upon theDauphin;—andTrim’sgreasing the Parson’s Boots, is a Devilish Satyrical Stroke;—for it exposes the Corruption, and Bribery made Use of at that Juncture, in bringing over the several States and Princes ofItalyto use their Interests atRome, to stop the Pope from giving the Investitures of those Kingdoms to any Body else.—The Pope has not the Investiture ofSicily, cries another Gentleman.—I care not, says he, for that.
Almost every one apprehended the Debate to be now ended, and that no one Member would venture any new Conjecture upon theRomance, after so many clear and decisive Interpretations had been given. But, hold,—Close to the Fire, and opposite to where the Apothecary sat, there sat also a Gentleman of the Law, who, from the Beginning to the End of the Hearing of this Case, seem’d no way satisfied in his Conscience with any one Proceeding in it. This Gentleman had not yet opened his Mouth, but had waited patiently till they had all gone thro’ their several Evidences on the other Side;—reserving himself, like an expert Practitioner, for the last Word in the Debate. When thePartition-Treaty-Gentleman had finish’d what he had to say,—He got up,—and, advancing towards the Table, told them, That the Error they had all gone upon thus far, in making out the several Facts in theRomance,—was in looking too high; which, with great Candor, he said, was a very natural Thing, and very excusable withall, in such a Political Club as theirs: For Instance, continues he, you have been searching theRegisters, and looking into theDeedsofKingsandEmperors,—as if Nobody had anyDeedsto shew or compare theRomanceto but themselves.—This, continued the Attorney, is just as much out of the Way of good Practice, as if I should carry a Thing slap-dash into the House of Lords, which was under forty Shillings, and might be decided in the next County-Court for six Shillings and Eight-pence.—He then took theRomancein his Left Hand, and pointing with the Fore-Finger of his Right towards the second Page, he humbly begg’d Leave to observe, (and, to do him Justice, he did it in somewhat of aforensic Air) That theParson, John, andSexton, shewed incontestably the Thing to beTripartite;now, if you will take Notice, Gentlemen, says he, these several Persons, who are Parties to this Instrument, are merely Ecclesiastical; that theReading-Desk, Pulpit-Cloth, andVelvet Cushion, are tripartite too; and are, by Intendment of Law, Goods and Chattles merely of an Ecclesiastick Nature, belonging and appertaining ‘only unto them,’and to them only.—So that it appears very plain to me, That theRomance, neither directly nor indirectly, goes upon Temporal, but altogether upon Church-Matters.—And do not you think, says he, softening his Voice a little, and addressing himself to the Parson with a forced Smile,—Do not you think Doctor, says he, That the Dispute in theRomance, between theParsonof the Parish andJohn, about the Height ofJohn’s Desk, is a very fine Panegyrick upon theHumility of Church-Men?—I think, says the Parson, it is much of the same Fineness with that which your Profession is complimented with, in the pimping, dirty, pettyfogging Character ofTrim,—which, in my Opinion, Sir, is just such another Panegyrick upon theHonestyofAttornies.
Nothing whets the Spirits like an Insult:—Therefore the Parson went on with a visible Superiority and an uncommon Acuteness.—As you are so happy, Sir, continues he, in making Applications,—pray turn over a Page or two to the black Law-Letters in theRomance.—What do you think of them, Sir?—Nay,—pray read the Grant of theGreat Watch-CoatandTrim’s Renunciation of theBreeches.—Why, there is downrightLeaseandReleasefor you,—’tis the very Thing, Man;—only with this small Difference,—and in which consists the whole Strength of the Panegyric, That the Author of theRomancehas convey’d and re-convey’d, in about ten Lines, —what you, with the glorious Prolixity of the Law, could not have crowded into as many Skins of Parchment.
The Apothecary, who had paid the Attorney, the same Afternoon, a Demand of Three Pounds Six Shillings and Eight-Pence, for much such another Jobb,—was so highly tickled with the Parson’s Repartee in that particular Point,—that he rubb’d his Hands together most fervently,—and laugh’d most triumphantly thereupon.
This could not escape the Attorney’s Notice, any more than the Cause of it did escape his Penetration.
I think, Sir, says he, (dropping his Voice a Third) you might well have spared this immoderate Mirth, since you and your Profession have the least Reason to triumph here of any of us.—I beg, quoth he, that you would reflect a Moment upon theCob-WebwhichTrimwent so far for, and brought back with an Air of so much Importance, in his Breeches Pocket, to lay upon the Parson’s cut Finger.—This said Cob-Web, Sir, is a fine-spun Satyre, upon the flimsy Nature of one Half of the Shop-Medicines, with which you make a Property of the Sick, the Ignorant, and the Unsuspecting.—And as for the Moral of theClose-Stool-Pan, Sir, ’tis too plain, Does not nine Parts in ten of the whole Practice, and of all you vend underits Colours, pass into and concenter in that one nasty Utensil?—And let me tell you, Sir, says he, raising his Voice,—had not your unseasonable Mirth blinded you, you might have seen thatTrim’s carrying the Close-Stool-Pan upon his Head the whole Length of the Town, without blushing, is a pointed Raillery,—and one of the sharpest Sarcasms, Sir, that ever was thrown out upon you;—for it unveils the solemn Impudence of the whole Profession, who, I see, are ashamed of nothing which brings in Money.
There were two Apothecaries in the Club, besides the Surgeon mentioned before, with a Chemist and an Undertaker, who all felt themselves equally hurt and aggrieved by this discourteous Retort:—And they were all five rising up together from their Chairs, with full Intent of Heart, as it was thought, to return theReproof Valiantthereupon.—But the President, fearing it would end in a general Engagement, he instantly call’d out,To Order;—and gave Notice, That if there was any Member in the Club, who had not yet spoke, and yet did desire to speak upon the main Subject of the Debate,—that he should immediately be heard.
This was a happy Invitation for a stammering Member, who, it seems, had but a weak Voice at the best; and having often attempted to speak in the Debate, but to no Purpose, had sat down in utter Despair of an Opportunity.
This Member, you must know, had got a sad Crush upon his Hip, in the lateElection, which gave him intolerable Anguish;—so that, in short, he could think of nothing else:—For which Cause, and others, he was strongly of Opinion, That the wholeRomancewas a just Gird at the lateYorkElection; and I think, says he, that thePromiseof theBreechesbroke, may well and truly signifySomebody’s else Promise, which was broke, and occasion’d to much Disturbance amongst us.
Thus every Man turn’d the Story to what was swimming uppermost in his own Brain;—so that, before all was over, there were full as many Satyres spun out of it,—and as great a Variety of Personages, Opinions, Transactions, and Truths, found to lay hid under the dark Veil of its Allegory, as ever were discovered in the thrice-renowned History of the Acts ofGargantuaandPantagruel.
At the Close of all, and just before the Club was going to break up,—Mr. President rose from his Chair, and begg’d Leave to make the two following Motions, which were instantly agreed to, without any Division.
First, Gentlemen, says he, asTrim’s Character in the Romance, of a shuffling intriguing Fellow,—whoever it was drawn for, is, in Truth, as like theFrench Kingas it can stare,—I move, That theRomancebe forthwithprinted:—For, continues he, if we can but once turn the Laugh against him, and make him asham’d of what he has done, it may be a great Means, with the Blessing of God upon our Fleets and Armies, to save the Liberties ofEurope.
In thesecondPlace, I move, That Mr. Attorney, our worthy Member, be desired to take Minutes, upon the Spot, of every Conjecture which has been made upon theRomance, by the several Members who have spoke; which, I think, says he, will answer two good Ends:
1st, It will establish the Political Knowledge of our Club for ever, and place it in a respectable Light to all the World.
In thenextPlace, it will furnish what will be wanted; that is, aKeyto theRomance.—In troth you might have said a whole Bunch ofKeys, quoth a Whitesmith, who was the only Member in the Club who had not said something in the Debate: But let me tell you, Mr. President, says he, That theRight Key, if it could but be found, would be worth the whole Bunch put together.