Chapter 5

Tib. Talk.Ah! that I might but once in my life have a sightOf him who made us all so ill-shent! By this light,He should never escape, if I had him by the ear,But even from his head I would it bite or tear.Yea, and if one of them were not enou',I would bite them both off, I make God avow.M. Merry.What is he, whom this little mouse doth so threaten?[Aside.Tib. Talk.I would teach him, I trow, to make girls shent or beaten.M. Merry.I will call her. Maid, with whom are ye so hasty?Tib. Talk.Not with you, sir, but with a little wage-pasty;A deceiver of folks by subtle craft and guile.M. Merry.I know where she is: Dobinet hath wrought some wile.Tib. Talk.He brought a ring and token, which he said was sentFrom our dame's husband, but I wot well I was shent;From our dame's husband, but I wot well I was shent;For it liked her as well (to tell you no lies)As water in a[103]ship, or salt cast in her eyes:And yet, whence it came, neither we nor she can tell.M. Merry.We shall have sport anon: I like this very well.[Aside.And dwell ye here with mistress Custance, fair maid?Tib. Talk.Yea, marry do I, sir: what would ye have said?M. Merry.A little message unto her, by word of mouth.Tib. Talk.No messages, by your leave, nor tokens forsooth.M. Merry.Then help me to speak with her.Tib. Talk.With a good will that.Here she cometh forth. Now speak—ye know best what.C. Custance.None other life with you, maid, but abroad to skip?Tib. Talk.Forsooth, here is one would speak with your mistresship.C. Custance.Ah, have ye been learning of mo messages now?Tib. Talk.I would not hear his mind, but bad him show it to you.C. Custance.In at doors!Tib. Talk.I am gone.[Exit.M. Merry.Dame Custance, God ye save!C. Custance.Welcome, friend Merrygreek; and what thing would ye have?M. Merry.I am come to you a little matter to break.C. Custance.But see it be honest, else better not to speak.M. Merry.How feel ye yourself affected here of late?C. Custance.I feel no manner change, but after the old rate.But whereby do ye mean?M. Merry.Concerning marriage.Doth not love lade you?C. Custance.I feel no such carriage.M. Merry.Do ye feel no pangs of dotage? Answer me right.C. Custance.I doat so, that I make but one sleep all the night.But what need all these words?M. Merry.O Jesus! will ye seeWhat dissembling creatures these same women be?[Aside.The gentleman ye wot of, whom ye do so love,That ye would fain marry him, if he durst it move,Among other rich widows which are of him glad,Lest ye for lesing of him perchance might run mad,Is now contented that, upon your suit making,Ye be as one in election of taking.C. Custance.What a tale is this! That I wot of! Whom I love!M. Merry.Yea, and he is as loving a worm again as a dove.E'en of very pity he is willing you to take,Because ye shall not destroy yourself for his sake.C. Custance.Marry, God 'ield[104]his maship! whatever he be,It is gentmanly spoken.M. Merry.Is it not, trow ye?If ye have the grace now to offer yourself, ye speed.C. Custance.As much as though I did; this time it shall not need.But what gentleman is it, I pray you tell me plain,That wooeth so finely?M. Merry.Lo, where ye be again!As though ye knew him not!C. Custance.Tush! ye speak in jest.M. Merry.Nay, sure the party is in good knacking earnest,And have you he will (he saith) and have you he must.C. Custance.I am promised during my life, that is just.M. Merry.Marry, so thinketh he—unto him alone.C. Custance.No creature hath my faith and troth but one,That is Gawin Goodluck: and if it be not he,He hath no title this way, whatever he be,For I know none to whom I have such words spoken.M. Merry.Ye know him not, you, by his letter and token?C. Custance.Indeed true it is, that a letter I have,But I never read it yet, as God me save.M. Merry.Ye a woman? and your letter so long unread!C. Custance.Ye may thereby know what haste I have to wed.But now, who is it for my hand? I know by guess.M. Merry.Ah! well, I say—C. Custance.It is Roister Doister, doubtless.M. Merry.Will ye never leave this dissimulation?Ye know him not?C. Custance.But by imagination;For no man there is, but a very dolt and lout,That to woo a widow would so go about.He shall never have me his wife, while he do live.M. Merry.Then will he have you if he may, so mot I thrive;And he biddeth you send him word by me,That ye humbly beseech him ye may his wife be,And that there shall be no let in you nor mistrust,But to be wedded on Sunday next, if he lust;And biddeth you to look for him.C. Custance.Doth he bid so?M. Merry.When he cometh, ask him whether he did or no?C. Custance.Go say, that I bid him keep him warm at home,For, if he come abroad, he shall cough me a mome.[105]My mind was vexed, I 'shrew his head, sottish dolt.M. Merry.He hath in his head—C. Custance.As much brain as a burbolt.[106]M. Merry.Well, dame Custance, if he hear you thus play choploge.[107]C. Custance.What will he?M. Merry.Play the devil in the horologe.[108]C. Custance.I defy him, lout.M. Merry.Shall I tell him what ye say?C. Custance.Yea, and add whatsoever thou canst, I thee pray,And I will avouch it, whatsoever it be.M. Merry.Then let me alone; we will laugh well, ye shall see:It will not be long, ere he will hither resort.C. Custance.Let him come when him lust, I wish no better sport.Fare ye well: I will in, and read my great letter:I shall to my wooer make answer the better.[Exeat.

Tib. Talk.Ah! that I might but once in my life have a sight

Of him who made us all so ill-shent! By this light,

He should never escape, if I had him by the ear,

But even from his head I would it bite or tear.

Yea, and if one of them were not enou',

I would bite them both off, I make God avow.

M. Merry.What is he, whom this little mouse doth so threaten?[Aside.

Tib. Talk.I would teach him, I trow, to make girls shent or beaten.

M. Merry.I will call her. Maid, with whom are ye so hasty?

Tib. Talk.Not with you, sir, but with a little wage-pasty;A deceiver of folks by subtle craft and guile.

Tib. Talk.Not with you, sir, but with a little wage-pasty;

A deceiver of folks by subtle craft and guile.

M. Merry.I know where she is: Dobinet hath wrought some wile.

Tib. Talk.He brought a ring and token, which he said was sentFrom our dame's husband, but I wot well I was shent;From our dame's husband, but I wot well I was shent;For it liked her as well (to tell you no lies)As water in a[103]ship, or salt cast in her eyes:And yet, whence it came, neither we nor she can tell.

Tib. Talk.He brought a ring and token, which he said was sent

From our dame's husband, but I wot well I was shent;

For it liked her as well (to tell you no lies)

As water in a[103]ship, or salt cast in her eyes:

And yet, whence it came, neither we nor she can tell.

M. Merry.We shall have sport anon: I like this very well.[Aside.And dwell ye here with mistress Custance, fair maid?

M. Merry.We shall have sport anon: I like this very well.[Aside.

And dwell ye here with mistress Custance, fair maid?

Tib. Talk.Yea, marry do I, sir: what would ye have said?

M. Merry.A little message unto her, by word of mouth.

Tib. Talk.No messages, by your leave, nor tokens forsooth.

M. Merry.Then help me to speak with her.

Tib. Talk.With a good will that.Here she cometh forth. Now speak—ye know best what.

Tib. Talk.With a good will that.

Here she cometh forth. Now speak—ye know best what.

C. Custance.None other life with you, maid, but abroad to skip?

Tib. Talk.Forsooth, here is one would speak with your mistresship.

C. Custance.Ah, have ye been learning of mo messages now?

Tib. Talk.I would not hear his mind, but bad him show it to you.

C. Custance.In at doors!

Tib. Talk.I am gone.[Exit.

M. Merry.Dame Custance, God ye save!

C. Custance.Welcome, friend Merrygreek; and what thing would ye have?

M. Merry.I am come to you a little matter to break.

C. Custance.But see it be honest, else better not to speak.

M. Merry.How feel ye yourself affected here of late?

C. Custance.I feel no manner change, but after the old rate.But whereby do ye mean?

C. Custance.I feel no manner change, but after the old rate.

But whereby do ye mean?

M. Merry.Concerning marriage.Doth not love lade you?

M. Merry.Concerning marriage.

Doth not love lade you?

C. Custance.I feel no such carriage.

M. Merry.Do ye feel no pangs of dotage? Answer me right.

C. Custance.I doat so, that I make but one sleep all the night.But what need all these words?

C. Custance.I doat so, that I make but one sleep all the night.

But what need all these words?

M. Merry.O Jesus! will ye seeWhat dissembling creatures these same women be?[Aside.The gentleman ye wot of, whom ye do so love,That ye would fain marry him, if he durst it move,Among other rich widows which are of him glad,Lest ye for lesing of him perchance might run mad,Is now contented that, upon your suit making,Ye be as one in election of taking.

M. Merry.O Jesus! will ye see

What dissembling creatures these same women be?[Aside.

The gentleman ye wot of, whom ye do so love,

That ye would fain marry him, if he durst it move,

Among other rich widows which are of him glad,

Lest ye for lesing of him perchance might run mad,

Is now contented that, upon your suit making,

Ye be as one in election of taking.

C. Custance.What a tale is this! That I wot of! Whom I love!

M. Merry.Yea, and he is as loving a worm again as a dove.E'en of very pity he is willing you to take,Because ye shall not destroy yourself for his sake.

M. Merry.Yea, and he is as loving a worm again as a dove.

E'en of very pity he is willing you to take,

Because ye shall not destroy yourself for his sake.

C. Custance.Marry, God 'ield[104]his maship! whatever he be,It is gentmanly spoken.

C. Custance.Marry, God 'ield[104]his maship! whatever he be,

It is gentmanly spoken.

M. Merry.Is it not, trow ye?If ye have the grace now to offer yourself, ye speed.

M. Merry.Is it not, trow ye?

If ye have the grace now to offer yourself, ye speed.

C. Custance.As much as though I did; this time it shall not need.But what gentleman is it, I pray you tell me plain,That wooeth so finely?

C. Custance.As much as though I did; this time it shall not need.

But what gentleman is it, I pray you tell me plain,

That wooeth so finely?

M. Merry.Lo, where ye be again!As though ye knew him not!

M. Merry.Lo, where ye be again!

As though ye knew him not!

C. Custance.Tush! ye speak in jest.

M. Merry.Nay, sure the party is in good knacking earnest,And have you he will (he saith) and have you he must.

M. Merry.Nay, sure the party is in good knacking earnest,

And have you he will (he saith) and have you he must.

C. Custance.I am promised during my life, that is just.

M. Merry.Marry, so thinketh he—unto him alone.

C. Custance.No creature hath my faith and troth but one,That is Gawin Goodluck: and if it be not he,He hath no title this way, whatever he be,For I know none to whom I have such words spoken.

C. Custance.No creature hath my faith and troth but one,

That is Gawin Goodluck: and if it be not he,

He hath no title this way, whatever he be,

For I know none to whom I have such words spoken.

M. Merry.Ye know him not, you, by his letter and token?

C. Custance.Indeed true it is, that a letter I have,But I never read it yet, as God me save.

C. Custance.Indeed true it is, that a letter I have,

But I never read it yet, as God me save.

M. Merry.Ye a woman? and your letter so long unread!

C. Custance.Ye may thereby know what haste I have to wed.But now, who is it for my hand? I know by guess.

C. Custance.Ye may thereby know what haste I have to wed.

But now, who is it for my hand? I know by guess.

M. Merry.Ah! well, I say—

C. Custance.It is Roister Doister, doubtless.

M. Merry.Will ye never leave this dissimulation?Ye know him not?

M. Merry.Will ye never leave this dissimulation?

Ye know him not?

C. Custance.But by imagination;For no man there is, but a very dolt and lout,That to woo a widow would so go about.He shall never have me his wife, while he do live.

C. Custance.But by imagination;

For no man there is, but a very dolt and lout,

That to woo a widow would so go about.

He shall never have me his wife, while he do live.

M. Merry.Then will he have you if he may, so mot I thrive;And he biddeth you send him word by me,That ye humbly beseech him ye may his wife be,And that there shall be no let in you nor mistrust,But to be wedded on Sunday next, if he lust;And biddeth you to look for him.

M. Merry.Then will he have you if he may, so mot I thrive;

And he biddeth you send him word by me,

That ye humbly beseech him ye may his wife be,

And that there shall be no let in you nor mistrust,

But to be wedded on Sunday next, if he lust;

And biddeth you to look for him.

C. Custance.Doth he bid so?

M. Merry.When he cometh, ask him whether he did or no?

C. Custance.Go say, that I bid him keep him warm at home,For, if he come abroad, he shall cough me a mome.[105]My mind was vexed, I 'shrew his head, sottish dolt.

C. Custance.Go say, that I bid him keep him warm at home,

For, if he come abroad, he shall cough me a mome.[105]

My mind was vexed, I 'shrew his head, sottish dolt.

M. Merry.He hath in his head—

C. Custance.As much brain as a burbolt.[106]

M. Merry.Well, dame Custance, if he hear you thus play choploge.[107]

C. Custance.What will he?

M. Merry.Play the devil in the horologe.[108]

C. Custance.I defy him, lout.

M. Merry.Shall I tell him what ye say?

C. Custance.Yea, and add whatsoever thou canst, I thee pray,And I will avouch it, whatsoever it be.

C. Custance.Yea, and add whatsoever thou canst, I thee pray,

And I will avouch it, whatsoever it be.

M. Merry.Then let me alone; we will laugh well, ye shall see:It will not be long, ere he will hither resort.

M. Merry.Then let me alone; we will laugh well, ye shall see:

It will not be long, ere he will hither resort.

C. Custance.Let him come when him lust, I wish no better sport.Fare ye well: I will in, and read my great letter:I shall to my wooer make answer the better.[Exeat.

C. Custance.Let him come when him lust, I wish no better sport.

Fare ye well: I will in, and read my great letter:

I shall to my wooer make answer the better.[Exeat.

ACTUS III., SCÆNA 3.

Matthew Merrygreek.

M. Merry.Now that the whole answer in my device doth rest,I shall paint out our wooer in colours of the best,And all that I say shall be on Custance's mouth,She is author of all that I shall speak, forsooth.But yonder cometh Roister Doister now in a trance.[EnterR. Roister.]R. Roister.Juno send me this day good luck and good chance!I cannot but come see how Merrygreek doth speed.M. Merry.I will not see him, but give him a jut[109]indeed.I cry your mastership mercy!R. Roister.And whither now?M. Merry.As fast as I could run, sir, in post against you.But why speak ye so faintly, or why are ye so sad?R. Roister.Thou knowest the proverb—because I cannot be had.Hast thou spoken with this woman?M. Merry.Yea, that I have.R. Roister.And what, will this gear be?M. Merry.No, so God me save.R. Roister.Hast thou a flat answer?M. Merry.Nay, a sharp answer.R. Roister.What?M. Merry.Ye shall not (she saith), by her will, marry her cat.Ye are such a calf, such an ass, such a block,Such a lilburn, such a hobil, such a lobcock;And because ye should come to her at no season,She despised your maship out of all reason."Beware what ye say (ko I) of such a gentleman!""Nay, I fear him not (ko she), do the best he can."He vaunteth himself for a man of prowess great,Whereas a good gander, I dare say, may him beat.And where he is louted[110]and laughed to scorn,For the veriest dolt that ever was born:And veriest lubber, sloven and beast,Living in this world from the west to the east;Yet of himself hath he such opinion,That in all the world is not the like minion.He thinketh each woman to be brought in dotageWith the only sight of his goodly personage:Yet none that will have him: we do him lout and flock,And make him among us our common sporting-stock;And so would I now (ko she), save only because—"Better nay (ko I)." "I lust not meddle with daws.""Ye are happy (ko I) that ye are a woman:This would cost you your life, in case ye were a man."R. Roister.Yea, an hundred thousand pound should not save her life.M. Merry.No, but that ye woo her to have her to your wife;But I could not stop her mouth.R. Roister.Heigho, alas!M. Merry.Be of good cheer, man, and let the world pass.[111]R. Roister.What shall I do or say, now that it will not be?M. Merry.Ye shall have choice of a thousand as good as she;And ye must pardon her; it is for lack of wit.R. Roister.Yea, for were not I an husband for her fit?Well, what should I now do?M. Merry.I'faith, I cannot tell.R. Roister.I will go home, and die.M. Merry.Then shall I bid toll the bell?R. Roister.No.M. Merry.God have mercy on your soul: ah, good gentleman,That e'er you should thus die for an unkind woman!Will ye drink once, ere ye go?R. Roister.No, no, I will none.M. Merry.How feels your soul to God?R. Roister.I am nigh-gone.M. Merry.And shall we hence straight?R. Roister.Yea.M. Merry.Placebo dilexi.[ut infra.[112]Master Roister Doister will straight go home, and die.R. Roister.Heigho, alas! the pangs of death my heart do break.M. Merry.Hold your peace, for shame, sir! a dead man may not speakNe quando.What mourners and what torches shall we have?R. Roister.None.M. Merry.Dirige.He will go darkling to his grave:Neque lux, neque crux, nequemourners,nequeclink,He will steal to heaven, unknowing to God, I think,A porta inferi. Who shall your goods possess?R. Roister.Thou shalt be my sector,[113]and have all, more or less.M. Merry.Requiem æternam.Now, God reward your mastership,And I will cry halfpenny-dole for your worship,Come forth, sirs; hear the doleful news I shall you tell.[Evocat servos milites.Our good master here will no longer with us dwell,But in spite of Custance, which hath him wearied,Let us see his maship solemnly buried;And while some piece of his soul is yet him within,Some part of his funerals let us here begin.Audivi vocem.All men take heed by this one gentleman,How you set your love upon an unkind woman:For these women be all such mad, peevish elves,They will not be won, except to please themselves.But, in faith, Custance, if ever ye come in hell,Master Roister Doister shall serve you as well—And will ye needs go from us thus in very deed?R. Roister.Yea, in good sadness.M. Merry.Now Jesus Christ be your speed.Good night, Roger, old knave! farewell, Roger, old knave!Good night, Roger, old knave, knave knap![ut infra.[114]Pray for the late master Roister Doister's soul,And come forth, parish clerk; let the passing-bell toll.[Ad servos milites.Pray for your master, sirs; and for him ring a peal.He was your right good master, while he was in heal.R. Roister.Qui Lazarum.Heigho!M. Merry.Dead men go not so fastin Paradisum.R. Roister.Heigho!M. Merry.Soft, hear what I have cast.R. Roister.I will hear nothing, I am past.M. Merry.Whough, wellaway!Ye may tarry one hour, and hear what I shall say.Ye were best, sir, for awhile to revive again,And quite them, ere ye go.R. Roister.Trowest thou so?M. Merry.Yea, plain.R. Roister.How may I revive, being now so far past?M. Merry.I will rub your temples, and fet you again at last.R. Roister.It will not be possible.M. Merry.Yes, for twenty pound.R. Roister.Arms! what dost thou?M. Merry.Fet you again out of your sound.[115]By this cross, ye were nigh gone indeed; I might feelYour soul departing within an inch of your heel.Now follow my counsel—R. Roister.What is it?M. Merry.If I were you,Custance should eft seek to me, ere I would bow.R. Roister.Well, as thou wilt have me, even so will I do.M. Merry.Then shall ye revive again for an hour or two.R. Roister.As thou wilt: I am content, for a little space.M. Merry.Good hap is not hasty: yet in space cometh grace.To speak with Custance yourself should be very well;What good thereof may come, nor I nor you can tell.But now the matter standeth upon your marriage,Ye must now take unto you a lusty carriage.[116]Ye may not speak with a faint heart to Custance.But with a lusty breast[117]and countenance,That she may know she hath to answer to a man.R. Roister.Yes, I can do that as well as any can.M. Merry.Then, because ye must Custance face to face woo,Let us see how to behave yourself ye can do.Ye must have a portly brag after your estate.R. Roister.Tush, I can handle that after the best rate.M. Merry.Well done; so, lo! up, man, with your head and chin!Up with, that snout, man: so lo! now ye begin.So, that is somewhat like; but, pranky-coat, nay when?That is a lusty brute! hands unto your side, man:So, lo! now is it even as it should be;That is somewhat like for a man of your degree.Then must ye stately go, jetting up and down.[118]Tut! can ye no better shake the tail of your gown?There, lo! such a lusty brag it is ye must make.R. Roister.To come behind, and make curts'y,[119]thou must some pains take.M. Merry.Else were I much to blame. I thank your mastership;The Lord one day all to begrime you with worship.Back, Sir Sauce! let gentlefolks have elbow-room.'Void, sirs, see ye not Master Roister Doister come?Make place, my masters—R. Roister.Thou jostlest now too nigh.M. Merry.Back, all rude louts.R. Roister.Tush.M. Merry.I cry your maship mercy.Hoiday! if fair fine Mistress Custance saw you now,Ralph Roister Doister were her own, I warrant you.R. Roister.Ne'er amasterby your girdle?M. Merry.Your good Mastership'sMastership were her own mistresship's mistresship's.Ye were take up for hawks; ye were gone, ye were gone:But now one other thing more yet I think upon.R. Roister.Show what it is.M. Merry.A wooer, be he never so poor,Must play and sing before his best-beloved's door.How much more then you?R. Roister.Thou speakest well, out of doubt.And perchance that would make her the sooner come out.[120]Go call my musicians; bid them hie apace.M. Merry.I will be here with them, ere ye can saytrey ace.[Exeat.R. Roister.This was well said of Merrygreek, I 'low his wit,Before my sweetheart's door we will have a fit,That, if my love come forth, I may with her talk:I doubt not but this gear shall on my side walk.But lo! how well Merrygreek is returned since.M. Merry.[121]There hath grown no grass on my heel, since I went hence:Lo! here have I brought that shall make you pastance.R. Roister.Come, sirs, let us sing, to win my dear love Custance.[Cantent.[122]M. Merry.Lo, where she cometh! some countenance to her make;And ye shall hear me be plain with her for your sake.

M. Merry.Now that the whole answer in my device doth rest,

I shall paint out our wooer in colours of the best,

And all that I say shall be on Custance's mouth,

She is author of all that I shall speak, forsooth.

But yonder cometh Roister Doister now in a trance.

[EnterR. Roister.]

R. Roister.Juno send me this day good luck and good chance!I cannot but come see how Merrygreek doth speed.

R. Roister.Juno send me this day good luck and good chance!

I cannot but come see how Merrygreek doth speed.

M. Merry.I will not see him, but give him a jut[109]indeed.I cry your mastership mercy!

M. Merry.I will not see him, but give him a jut[109]indeed.

I cry your mastership mercy!

R. Roister.And whither now?

M. Merry.As fast as I could run, sir, in post against you.But why speak ye so faintly, or why are ye so sad?

M. Merry.As fast as I could run, sir, in post against you.

But why speak ye so faintly, or why are ye so sad?

R. Roister.Thou knowest the proverb—because I cannot be had.Hast thou spoken with this woman?

R. Roister.Thou knowest the proverb—because I cannot be had.

Hast thou spoken with this woman?

M. Merry.Yea, that I have.

R. Roister.And what, will this gear be?

M. Merry.No, so God me save.R. Roister.Hast thou a flat answer?M. Merry.Nay, a sharp answer.R. Roister.What?M. Merry.Ye shall not (she saith), by her will, marry her cat.Ye are such a calf, such an ass, such a block,Such a lilburn, such a hobil, such a lobcock;And because ye should come to her at no season,She despised your maship out of all reason."Beware what ye say (ko I) of such a gentleman!""Nay, I fear him not (ko she), do the best he can."He vaunteth himself for a man of prowess great,Whereas a good gander, I dare say, may him beat.And where he is louted[110]and laughed to scorn,For the veriest dolt that ever was born:And veriest lubber, sloven and beast,Living in this world from the west to the east;Yet of himself hath he such opinion,That in all the world is not the like minion.He thinketh each woman to be brought in dotageWith the only sight of his goodly personage:Yet none that will have him: we do him lout and flock,And make him among us our common sporting-stock;And so would I now (ko she), save only because—"Better nay (ko I)." "I lust not meddle with daws.""Ye are happy (ko I) that ye are a woman:This would cost you your life, in case ye were a man."R. Roister.Yea, an hundred thousand pound should not save her life.M. Merry.No, but that ye woo her to have her to your wife;But I could not stop her mouth.R. Roister.Heigho, alas!M. Merry.Be of good cheer, man, and let the world pass.[111]R. Roister.What shall I do or say, now that it will not be?M. Merry.Ye shall have choice of a thousand as good as she;And ye must pardon her; it is for lack of wit.R. Roister.Yea, for were not I an husband for her fit?Well, what should I now do?M. Merry.I'faith, I cannot tell.R. Roister.I will go home, and die.M. Merry.Then shall I bid toll the bell?R. Roister.No.M. Merry.God have mercy on your soul: ah, good gentleman,That e'er you should thus die for an unkind woman!Will ye drink once, ere ye go?R. Roister.No, no, I will none.M. Merry.How feels your soul to God?R. Roister.I am nigh-gone.M. Merry.And shall we hence straight?R. Roister.Yea.

M. Merry.No, so God me save.

R. Roister.Hast thou a flat answer?

M. Merry.Nay, a sharp answer.

R. Roister.What?

M. Merry.Ye shall not (she saith), by her will, marry her cat.Ye are such a calf, such an ass, such a block,Such a lilburn, such a hobil, such a lobcock;And because ye should come to her at no season,She despised your maship out of all reason."Beware what ye say (ko I) of such a gentleman!""Nay, I fear him not (ko she), do the best he can."He vaunteth himself for a man of prowess great,Whereas a good gander, I dare say, may him beat.And where he is louted[110]and laughed to scorn,For the veriest dolt that ever was born:And veriest lubber, sloven and beast,Living in this world from the west to the east;Yet of himself hath he such opinion,That in all the world is not the like minion.He thinketh each woman to be brought in dotageWith the only sight of his goodly personage:Yet none that will have him: we do him lout and flock,And make him among us our common sporting-stock;And so would I now (ko she), save only because—"Better nay (ko I)." "I lust not meddle with daws.""Ye are happy (ko I) that ye are a woman:This would cost you your life, in case ye were a man."

M. Merry.Ye shall not (she saith), by her will, marry her cat.

Ye are such a calf, such an ass, such a block,

Such a lilburn, such a hobil, such a lobcock;

And because ye should come to her at no season,

She despised your maship out of all reason.

"Beware what ye say (ko I) of such a gentleman!"

"Nay, I fear him not (ko she), do the best he can."

He vaunteth himself for a man of prowess great,

Whereas a good gander, I dare say, may him beat.

And where he is louted[110]and laughed to scorn,

For the veriest dolt that ever was born:

And veriest lubber, sloven and beast,

Living in this world from the west to the east;

Yet of himself hath he such opinion,

That in all the world is not the like minion.

He thinketh each woman to be brought in dotage

With the only sight of his goodly personage:

Yet none that will have him: we do him lout and flock,

And make him among us our common sporting-stock;

And so would I now (ko she), save only because—

"Better nay (ko I)." "I lust not meddle with daws."

"Ye are happy (ko I) that ye are a woman:

This would cost you your life, in case ye were a man."

R. Roister.Yea, an hundred thousand pound should not save her life.

M. Merry.No, but that ye woo her to have her to your wife;But I could not stop her mouth.

M. Merry.No, but that ye woo her to have her to your wife;

But I could not stop her mouth.

R. Roister.Heigho, alas!

M. Merry.Be of good cheer, man, and let the world pass.[111]

R. Roister.What shall I do or say, now that it will not be?

M. Merry.Ye shall have choice of a thousand as good as she;And ye must pardon her; it is for lack of wit.

M. Merry.Ye shall have choice of a thousand as good as she;

And ye must pardon her; it is for lack of wit.

R. Roister.Yea, for were not I an husband for her fit?Well, what should I now do?

R. Roister.Yea, for were not I an husband for her fit?

Well, what should I now do?

M. Merry.I'faith, I cannot tell.

R. Roister.I will go home, and die.

M. Merry.Then shall I bid toll the bell?

R. Roister.No.

M. Merry.God have mercy on your soul: ah, good gentleman,That e'er you should thus die for an unkind woman!Will ye drink once, ere ye go?

M. Merry.God have mercy on your soul: ah, good gentleman,

That e'er you should thus die for an unkind woman!

Will ye drink once, ere ye go?

R. Roister.No, no, I will none.

M. Merry.How feels your soul to God?

R. Roister.I am nigh-gone.

M. Merry.And shall we hence straight?

R. Roister.Yea.

M. Merry.Placebo dilexi.[ut infra.[112]Master Roister Doister will straight go home, and die.

M. Merry.Placebo dilexi.[ut infra.[112]

Master Roister Doister will straight go home, and die.

R. Roister.Heigho, alas! the pangs of death my heart do break.

M. Merry.Hold your peace, for shame, sir! a dead man may not speakNe quando.What mourners and what torches shall we have?

M. Merry.Hold your peace, for shame, sir! a dead man may not speak

Ne quando.What mourners and what torches shall we have?

R. Roister.None.

M. Merry.Dirige.He will go darkling to his grave:Neque lux, neque crux, nequemourners,nequeclink,He will steal to heaven, unknowing to God, I think,A porta inferi. Who shall your goods possess?

M. Merry.Dirige.He will go darkling to his grave:

Neque lux, neque crux, nequemourners,nequeclink,

He will steal to heaven, unknowing to God, I think,

A porta inferi. Who shall your goods possess?

R. Roister.Thou shalt be my sector,[113]and have all, more or less.

M. Merry.Requiem æternam.Now, God reward your mastership,And I will cry halfpenny-dole for your worship,Come forth, sirs; hear the doleful news I shall you tell.[Evocat servos milites.Our good master here will no longer with us dwell,But in spite of Custance, which hath him wearied,Let us see his maship solemnly buried;And while some piece of his soul is yet him within,Some part of his funerals let us here begin.Audivi vocem.All men take heed by this one gentleman,How you set your love upon an unkind woman:For these women be all such mad, peevish elves,They will not be won, except to please themselves.But, in faith, Custance, if ever ye come in hell,Master Roister Doister shall serve you as well—And will ye needs go from us thus in very deed?

M. Merry.Requiem æternam.Now, God reward your mastership,

And I will cry halfpenny-dole for your worship,

Come forth, sirs; hear the doleful news I shall you tell.

[Evocat servos milites.

Our good master here will no longer with us dwell,

But in spite of Custance, which hath him wearied,

Let us see his maship solemnly buried;

And while some piece of his soul is yet him within,

Some part of his funerals let us here begin.

Audivi vocem.All men take heed by this one gentleman,

How you set your love upon an unkind woman:

For these women be all such mad, peevish elves,

They will not be won, except to please themselves.

But, in faith, Custance, if ever ye come in hell,

Master Roister Doister shall serve you as well—

And will ye needs go from us thus in very deed?

R. Roister.Yea, in good sadness.

M. Merry.Now Jesus Christ be your speed.Good night, Roger, old knave! farewell, Roger, old knave!Good night, Roger, old knave, knave knap![ut infra.[114]Pray for the late master Roister Doister's soul,And come forth, parish clerk; let the passing-bell toll.[Ad servos milites.Pray for your master, sirs; and for him ring a peal.He was your right good master, while he was in heal.

M. Merry.Now Jesus Christ be your speed.

Good night, Roger, old knave! farewell, Roger, old knave!

Good night, Roger, old knave, knave knap![ut infra.[114]

Pray for the late master Roister Doister's soul,

And come forth, parish clerk; let the passing-bell toll.[Ad servos milites.

Pray for your master, sirs; and for him ring a peal.

He was your right good master, while he was in heal.

R. Roister.Qui Lazarum.Heigho!

R. Roister.Qui Lazarum.

Heigho!

M. Merry.Dead men go not so fastin Paradisum.

R. Roister.Heigho!

M. Merry.Soft, hear what I have cast.

R. Roister.I will hear nothing, I am past.

M. Merry.Whough, wellaway!Ye may tarry one hour, and hear what I shall say.Ye were best, sir, for awhile to revive again,And quite them, ere ye go.

M. Merry.Whough, wellaway!

Ye may tarry one hour, and hear what I shall say.

Ye were best, sir, for awhile to revive again,

And quite them, ere ye go.

R. Roister.Trowest thou so?

M. Merry.Yea, plain.

R. Roister.How may I revive, being now so far past?

M. Merry.I will rub your temples, and fet you again at last.

R. Roister.It will not be possible.

M. Merry.Yes, for twenty pound.

R. Roister.Arms! what dost thou?

M. Merry.Fet you again out of your sound.[115]By this cross, ye were nigh gone indeed; I might feelYour soul departing within an inch of your heel.Now follow my counsel—

M. Merry.Fet you again out of your sound.[115]

By this cross, ye were nigh gone indeed; I might feel

Your soul departing within an inch of your heel.

Now follow my counsel—

R. Roister.What is it?

M. Merry.If I were you,Custance should eft seek to me, ere I would bow.

M. Merry.If I were you,

Custance should eft seek to me, ere I would bow.

R. Roister.Well, as thou wilt have me, even so will I do.

M. Merry.Then shall ye revive again for an hour or two.

R. Roister.As thou wilt: I am content, for a little space.

M. Merry.Good hap is not hasty: yet in space cometh grace.To speak with Custance yourself should be very well;What good thereof may come, nor I nor you can tell.But now the matter standeth upon your marriage,Ye must now take unto you a lusty carriage.[116]Ye may not speak with a faint heart to Custance.But with a lusty breast[117]and countenance,That she may know she hath to answer to a man.

M. Merry.Good hap is not hasty: yet in space cometh grace.

To speak with Custance yourself should be very well;

What good thereof may come, nor I nor you can tell.

But now the matter standeth upon your marriage,

Ye must now take unto you a lusty carriage.[116]

Ye may not speak with a faint heart to Custance.

But with a lusty breast[117]and countenance,

That she may know she hath to answer to a man.

R. Roister.Yes, I can do that as well as any can.

M. Merry.Then, because ye must Custance face to face woo,Let us see how to behave yourself ye can do.Ye must have a portly brag after your estate.

M. Merry.Then, because ye must Custance face to face woo,

Let us see how to behave yourself ye can do.

Ye must have a portly brag after your estate.

R. Roister.Tush, I can handle that after the best rate.

M. Merry.Well done; so, lo! up, man, with your head and chin!Up with, that snout, man: so lo! now ye begin.So, that is somewhat like; but, pranky-coat, nay when?That is a lusty brute! hands unto your side, man:So, lo! now is it even as it should be;That is somewhat like for a man of your degree.Then must ye stately go, jetting up and down.[118]Tut! can ye no better shake the tail of your gown?There, lo! such a lusty brag it is ye must make.

M. Merry.Well done; so, lo! up, man, with your head and chin!

Up with, that snout, man: so lo! now ye begin.

So, that is somewhat like; but, pranky-coat, nay when?

That is a lusty brute! hands unto your side, man:

So, lo! now is it even as it should be;

That is somewhat like for a man of your degree.

Then must ye stately go, jetting up and down.[118]

Tut! can ye no better shake the tail of your gown?

There, lo! such a lusty brag it is ye must make.

R. Roister.To come behind, and make curts'y,[119]thou must some pains take.

M. Merry.Else were I much to blame. I thank your mastership;The Lord one day all to begrime you with worship.Back, Sir Sauce! let gentlefolks have elbow-room.'Void, sirs, see ye not Master Roister Doister come?Make place, my masters—

M. Merry.Else were I much to blame. I thank your mastership;

The Lord one day all to begrime you with worship.

Back, Sir Sauce! let gentlefolks have elbow-room.

'Void, sirs, see ye not Master Roister Doister come?

Make place, my masters—

R. Roister.Thou jostlest now too nigh.

M. Merry.Back, all rude louts.

R. Roister.Tush.

M. Merry.I cry your maship mercy.Hoiday! if fair fine Mistress Custance saw you now,Ralph Roister Doister were her own, I warrant you.

M. Merry.I cry your maship mercy.

Hoiday! if fair fine Mistress Custance saw you now,

Ralph Roister Doister were her own, I warrant you.

R. Roister.Ne'er amasterby your girdle?

M. Merry.Your good Mastership'sMastership were her own mistresship's mistresship's.Ye were take up for hawks; ye were gone, ye were gone:But now one other thing more yet I think upon.

M. Merry.Your good Mastership's

Mastership were her own mistresship's mistresship's.

Ye were take up for hawks; ye were gone, ye were gone:

But now one other thing more yet I think upon.

R. Roister.Show what it is.

M. Merry.A wooer, be he never so poor,Must play and sing before his best-beloved's door.How much more then you?

M. Merry.A wooer, be he never so poor,

Must play and sing before his best-beloved's door.

How much more then you?

R. Roister.Thou speakest well, out of doubt.And perchance that would make her the sooner come out.[120]Go call my musicians; bid them hie apace.

R. Roister.Thou speakest well, out of doubt.

And perchance that would make her the sooner come out.[120]

Go call my musicians; bid them hie apace.

M. Merry.I will be here with them, ere ye can saytrey ace.[Exeat.

R. Roister.This was well said of Merrygreek, I 'low his wit,Before my sweetheart's door we will have a fit,That, if my love come forth, I may with her talk:I doubt not but this gear shall on my side walk.But lo! how well Merrygreek is returned since.

R. Roister.This was well said of Merrygreek, I 'low his wit,

Before my sweetheart's door we will have a fit,

That, if my love come forth, I may with her talk:

I doubt not but this gear shall on my side walk.

But lo! how well Merrygreek is returned since.

M. Merry.[121]There hath grown no grass on my heel, since I went hence:Lo! here have I brought that shall make you pastance.

M. Merry.[121]There hath grown no grass on my heel, since I went hence:

Lo! here have I brought that shall make you pastance.

R. Roister.Come, sirs, let us sing, to win my dear love Custance.[Cantent.[122]

R. Roister.Come, sirs, let us sing, to win my dear love Custance.

[Cantent.[122]

M. Merry.Lo, where she cometh! some countenance to her make;And ye shall hear me be plain with her for your sake.

M. Merry.Lo, where she cometh! some countenance to her make;

And ye shall hear me be plain with her for your sake.

ACTUS III., SCÆNA 4.

Custance, Merrygreek, Roister Doister.

C. Custance.What gauding and fooling is this afore my door?M. Merry.May not folks be honest, pray you, though they be poor?C. Custance.As that thing may be true, so rich folks may be fools.R. Roister.Her talk is as fine as she had learned in schools.M. Merry.Look partly toward her, and draw a little near.[Aside.C. Custance.Get ye home, idle folks.M. Merry.Why may not we be here?Nay, and ye will haze, haze;[123]otherwise, I tell you plain,And ye will not haze, then give us our gear again.C. Custance.Indeed, I have of yours much gay things, God save all.R. Roister.Speak gently unto her, and let her take all.[Aside.M. Merry.Ye are too tender-hearted. Shall she make us daws?[Aside.Nay, dame, I will be plain with you in my friend's cause.R. Roister.Let all this pass, sweetheart, and accept my service.C. Custance.I will not be served with a fool in no wise.When I choose an husband, I hope to take a man.M. Merry.And where will ye find one which can do that he can?Now this man toward you being so kind,Why not make him an answer somewhat to his mind?C. Custance.I sent him a full answer by you, did I not?M. Merry.And I reported it.C. Custance.Nay, I must speak it again.R. Roister.No, no, he told it all.M. Merry.Was I not meetly plain?R. Roister.Yes.M. Merry.But I would not tell all; for, faith, if I had,With you, dame Custance, ere this hour it had been bad;And not without cause: for this goodly personageMeant no less than to join with you in marriage.C. Custance.Let him waste no more labour nor suit about me.M. Merry.Ye know not where your preferment lieth, I see;He sendeth you such a token, ring and letter.C. Custance.Marry, here it is; ye never saw a better.M. Merry.Let us see your letter.C. Custance.Hold! read it if ye can:And see what letter it is to win a woman.M. Merry.[reads:]To mine own dear coney, bird, sweetheart, and pigsny,Good Mistress Custance, present these by and by.Of this superscription do ye blame the style?C. Custance.With the rest, as good stuff as ye read a great while.M. Merry.[reads:]"Sweet Mistress, where as I love you nothing at all,Regarding your substance and riches chief of all;For your personage, beauty, demeanour and wit,I commend me unto you never a whit.Sorry to bear report of your good welfare,For, (as I hear say) such your conditions are,That ye be worthy favour of no living man;To be abhorred of every honest man.To be taken for a woman inclined to vice;Nothing at all to virtue giving her due price.Wherefore concerning marriage ye are thoughtSuch a fine paragon as ne'er honest man bought.And now by these presents I do you advertise,That I am minded to marry you in no wise.For your goods and substance, I could be contentTo take you as ye are. If ye mind to be my wife,Ye shall be assured, for the time of my life,I will keep ye right well from good raiment and fare;Ye shall not be kept but in sorrow and care.Ye shall in no wise live at your own liberty;Do and say what ye lust, ye shall never please me;But when ye are merry, I will be all sad;When ye are sorry, I will be very glad.When ye seek your heart's ease, I will be unkind;At no time in me shall ye much gentleness find;But all things contrary to your will and mindShall be done: otherwise I will not be behindTo speak. And as for all them that would do you wrong,I will so help and maintain, ye shall not live long.Nor any foolish dolt shall cumber you, but I;I, whoe'er say nay, will stick by you, till I die.Thus, good Mistress Custance, the Lord you save and keepFrom me, Roister Doister, whether I wake or sleep,Who favoureth you no less (ye may be bold)Than this letter purporteth, which ye have unfold."[124]C. Custance.How, by this letter of love? is it not fine?R. Roister.By the Arms of Calais, it is none of mine.M. Merry.Fie! you are foul to blame; this is your own hand.C. Custance.Might not a woman be proud of such an husband?M. Merry.Ah, that ye would in a letter show such despite!R. Roister.O, I would I had him here, the which did it indite!M. Merry.Why, ye made it yourself, ye told me, by this light!R. Roister.Yea, I meant I wrote it mine own self yesternight.C. Custance.I-wis, sir, I would not have sent you such a mock.R. Roister.Ye may so take it; but I meant it not so, by Cock.M. Merry.Who can blame this woman to fume, and fret, and rage?Tut, tut, yourself now have marred your own marriage.[Aside.Well yet, Mistress Custance, if ye can this remit;This gentleman otherwise may your love requite.C. Custance.No, God be with you both, and seek no more to me.[Exit.R. Roister.Wough! she is gone for ever, I shall her no more see.M. Merry.What, weep? Fie for shame! And blubber? For manhood's sake!Never let your foe so much pleasure of you take.Rather play the man's part, and do love refrain:If she despise you, e'en despise ye her again.R. Roister.By Goss[125]and for thy sake, I defy her indeed!M. Merry.Yea, and perchance that way ye shall much sooner speed;For one mad property these women have, in fay,[126]When ye will, they will not: will not ye? then will they.Ah, foolish woman! ah, most unlucky Custance!Ah, unfortunate woman! ah, peevish Custance,Art thou to thine harms so obstinately bent,That thou canst not see where lieth thine high preferment?Canst thou not lub dis man, which could lub dee so well?Art thou so much thine own foe?R. Roister.Thou dost the truth tell.M. Merry.Well, I lament.R. Roister.So do I.M. Merry.Wherefore?R. Roister.For this thing,Because she is gone.M. Merry.I mourn for another thing.R. Roister.What is it, Merrygreek, wherefore thou dost grief take?M. Merry.That I am not a woman myself, for your sake.I would have you myself, and a straw for yond Gill,And mock much of you, though it were against my will.I would not, I warrant you, fall in such a rage,As so to refuse such a goodly personage.R. Roister.In faith, I heartily thank thee, Merrygreek.M. Merry.And I were a woman——R. Roister.Thou wouldest to me seek.M. Merry.For, though I say it, a goodly person ye be.R. Roister.No, no.M. Merry.Yes, a goodly man, as e'er I did see.R. Roister.No, I am a poor homely man, as God made me.M. Merry.By the faith that I owe to God, sir, but ye be.Would I might, for your sake, spend a thousand pound land.R. Roister.I daresay thou wouldest have me to thy husband.M. Merry.Yea, and I were the fairest lady in the shire,And knew you as I know you, and see you now here—Well, I say no more—R. Roister.Gramercies, with all my heart.M. Merry.But, since that cannot be, will ye play a wise part?R. Roister.How should I?M. Merry.Refrain from Custance a while now,And I warrant her soon right glad to seek to you.Ye shall see her anon come on her knees creeping,And pray you to be good to her, salt tears weeping.R. Roister.But what, and she come not?M. Merry.In faith, then, farewell she.Or else, if ye be wroth, ye may avenged be.R. Roister.By Cock's precious potstick, and e'en so I shall;I will utterly destroy her, and house and all.But I would be avenged in the mean space,On that vile scribbler, that did my wooing disgrace.M. Merry.Scribbler, ko you? Indeed, he is worthy no less.I will call him to you, and ye bid me, doubtless.R. Roister.Yes, for although he had as many livesAs a thousand widows and a thousand wives,As a thousand lions and a thousand rats,A thousand wolves and a thousand cats,A thousand bulls and a thousand calves,And a thousand legions divided in halves,He shall never 'scape death on my sword's point,Though I should be torn therefore joint by joint.M. Merry.Nay, if ye will kill him, I will not fet him,I will not in so much extremity set him.He may yet amend, sir, and be an honest man;Therefore pardon him, good soul, as much as ye can.R. Roister.Well, for thy sake, this once with his life he shall pass;But I will hew him all to pieces, by the mass—M. Merry.Nay, faith, ye shall promise that he shall no harm have,Else I will not fet him.R. Roister.I shall, so God me save!But I may chide him a good.[127]M. Merry.Yea, that do hardily.R. Roister.Go then.M. Merry.I return, and bring him to you by and by.[128][Ex.

C. Custance.What gauding and fooling is this afore my door?

M. Merry.May not folks be honest, pray you, though they be poor?

C. Custance.As that thing may be true, so rich folks may be fools.

R. Roister.Her talk is as fine as she had learned in schools.

M. Merry.Look partly toward her, and draw a little near.[Aside.

C. Custance.Get ye home, idle folks.

M. Merry.Why may not we be here?Nay, and ye will haze, haze;[123]otherwise, I tell you plain,And ye will not haze, then give us our gear again.

M. Merry.Why may not we be here?

Nay, and ye will haze, haze;[123]otherwise, I tell you plain,

And ye will not haze, then give us our gear again.

C. Custance.Indeed, I have of yours much gay things, God save all.

R. Roister.Speak gently unto her, and let her take all.[Aside.

M. Merry.Ye are too tender-hearted. Shall she make us daws?[Aside.Nay, dame, I will be plain with you in my friend's cause.

M. Merry.Ye are too tender-hearted. Shall she make us daws?[Aside.

Nay, dame, I will be plain with you in my friend's cause.

R. Roister.Let all this pass, sweetheart, and accept my service.

C. Custance.I will not be served with a fool in no wise.When I choose an husband, I hope to take a man.

C. Custance.I will not be served with a fool in no wise.

When I choose an husband, I hope to take a man.

M. Merry.And where will ye find one which can do that he can?Now this man toward you being so kind,Why not make him an answer somewhat to his mind?

M. Merry.And where will ye find one which can do that he can?

Now this man toward you being so kind,

Why not make him an answer somewhat to his mind?

C. Custance.I sent him a full answer by you, did I not?

M. Merry.And I reported it.

C. Custance.Nay, I must speak it again.

R. Roister.No, no, he told it all.

M. Merry.Was I not meetly plain?

R. Roister.Yes.

M. Merry.But I would not tell all; for, faith, if I had,With you, dame Custance, ere this hour it had been bad;And not without cause: for this goodly personageMeant no less than to join with you in marriage.

M. Merry.But I would not tell all; for, faith, if I had,

With you, dame Custance, ere this hour it had been bad;

And not without cause: for this goodly personage

Meant no less than to join with you in marriage.

C. Custance.Let him waste no more labour nor suit about me.

M. Merry.Ye know not where your preferment lieth, I see;He sendeth you such a token, ring and letter.

M. Merry.Ye know not where your preferment lieth, I see;

He sendeth you such a token, ring and letter.

C. Custance.Marry, here it is; ye never saw a better.

M. Merry.Let us see your letter.

C. Custance.Hold! read it if ye can:And see what letter it is to win a woman.

C. Custance.Hold! read it if ye can:

And see what letter it is to win a woman.

M. Merry.[reads:]

To mine own dear coney, bird, sweetheart, and pigsny,Good Mistress Custance, present these by and by.

To mine own dear coney, bird, sweetheart, and pigsny,

Good Mistress Custance, present these by and by.

Of this superscription do ye blame the style?

C. Custance.With the rest, as good stuff as ye read a great while.

M. Merry.[reads:]

"Sweet Mistress, where as I love you nothing at all,Regarding your substance and riches chief of all;For your personage, beauty, demeanour and wit,I commend me unto you never a whit.Sorry to bear report of your good welfare,For, (as I hear say) such your conditions are,That ye be worthy favour of no living man;To be abhorred of every honest man.To be taken for a woman inclined to vice;Nothing at all to virtue giving her due price.Wherefore concerning marriage ye are thoughtSuch a fine paragon as ne'er honest man bought.And now by these presents I do you advertise,That I am minded to marry you in no wise.For your goods and substance, I could be contentTo take you as ye are. If ye mind to be my wife,Ye shall be assured, for the time of my life,I will keep ye right well from good raiment and fare;Ye shall not be kept but in sorrow and care.Ye shall in no wise live at your own liberty;Do and say what ye lust, ye shall never please me;But when ye are merry, I will be all sad;When ye are sorry, I will be very glad.When ye seek your heart's ease, I will be unkind;At no time in me shall ye much gentleness find;But all things contrary to your will and mindShall be done: otherwise I will not be behindTo speak. And as for all them that would do you wrong,I will so help and maintain, ye shall not live long.Nor any foolish dolt shall cumber you, but I;I, whoe'er say nay, will stick by you, till I die.Thus, good Mistress Custance, the Lord you save and keepFrom me, Roister Doister, whether I wake or sleep,Who favoureth you no less (ye may be bold)Than this letter purporteth, which ye have unfold."[124]

"Sweet Mistress, where as I love you nothing at all,

Regarding your substance and riches chief of all;

For your personage, beauty, demeanour and wit,

I commend me unto you never a whit.

Sorry to bear report of your good welfare,

For, (as I hear say) such your conditions are,

That ye be worthy favour of no living man;

To be abhorred of every honest man.

To be taken for a woman inclined to vice;

Nothing at all to virtue giving her due price.

Wherefore concerning marriage ye are thought

Such a fine paragon as ne'er honest man bought.

And now by these presents I do you advertise,

That I am minded to marry you in no wise.

For your goods and substance, I could be content

To take you as ye are. If ye mind to be my wife,

Ye shall be assured, for the time of my life,

I will keep ye right well from good raiment and fare;

Ye shall not be kept but in sorrow and care.

Ye shall in no wise live at your own liberty;

Do and say what ye lust, ye shall never please me;

But when ye are merry, I will be all sad;

When ye are sorry, I will be very glad.

When ye seek your heart's ease, I will be unkind;

At no time in me shall ye much gentleness find;

But all things contrary to your will and mind

Shall be done: otherwise I will not be behind

To speak. And as for all them that would do you wrong,

I will so help and maintain, ye shall not live long.

Nor any foolish dolt shall cumber you, but I;

I, whoe'er say nay, will stick by you, till I die.

Thus, good Mistress Custance, the Lord you save and keep

From me, Roister Doister, whether I wake or sleep,

Who favoureth you no less (ye may be bold)

Than this letter purporteth, which ye have unfold."[124]

C. Custance.How, by this letter of love? is it not fine?

R. Roister.By the Arms of Calais, it is none of mine.

M. Merry.Fie! you are foul to blame; this is your own hand.

C. Custance.Might not a woman be proud of such an husband?

M. Merry.Ah, that ye would in a letter show such despite!

R. Roister.O, I would I had him here, the which did it indite!

M. Merry.Why, ye made it yourself, ye told me, by this light!

R. Roister.Yea, I meant I wrote it mine own self yesternight.

C. Custance.I-wis, sir, I would not have sent you such a mock.

R. Roister.Ye may so take it; but I meant it not so, by Cock.

M. Merry.Who can blame this woman to fume, and fret, and rage?Tut, tut, yourself now have marred your own marriage.[Aside.Well yet, Mistress Custance, if ye can this remit;This gentleman otherwise may your love requite.

M. Merry.Who can blame this woman to fume, and fret, and rage?

Tut, tut, yourself now have marred your own marriage.[Aside.

Well yet, Mistress Custance, if ye can this remit;

This gentleman otherwise may your love requite.

C. Custance.No, God be with you both, and seek no more to me.[Exit.

R. Roister.Wough! she is gone for ever, I shall her no more see.

M. Merry.What, weep? Fie for shame! And blubber? For manhood's sake!Never let your foe so much pleasure of you take.Rather play the man's part, and do love refrain:If she despise you, e'en despise ye her again.

M. Merry.What, weep? Fie for shame! And blubber? For manhood's sake!

Never let your foe so much pleasure of you take.

Rather play the man's part, and do love refrain:

If she despise you, e'en despise ye her again.

R. Roister.By Goss[125]and for thy sake, I defy her indeed!

M. Merry.Yea, and perchance that way ye shall much sooner speed;For one mad property these women have, in fay,[126]When ye will, they will not: will not ye? then will they.Ah, foolish woman! ah, most unlucky Custance!Ah, unfortunate woman! ah, peevish Custance,Art thou to thine harms so obstinately bent,That thou canst not see where lieth thine high preferment?Canst thou not lub dis man, which could lub dee so well?Art thou so much thine own foe?

M. Merry.Yea, and perchance that way ye shall much sooner speed;

For one mad property these women have, in fay,[126]

When ye will, they will not: will not ye? then will they.

Ah, foolish woman! ah, most unlucky Custance!

Ah, unfortunate woman! ah, peevish Custance,

Art thou to thine harms so obstinately bent,

That thou canst not see where lieth thine high preferment?

Canst thou not lub dis man, which could lub dee so well?

Art thou so much thine own foe?

R. Roister.Thou dost the truth tell.

M. Merry.Well, I lament.

R. Roister.So do I.

M. Merry.Wherefore?

R. Roister.For this thing,Because she is gone.

R. Roister.For this thing,

Because she is gone.

M. Merry.I mourn for another thing.

R. Roister.What is it, Merrygreek, wherefore thou dost grief take?

M. Merry.That I am not a woman myself, for your sake.I would have you myself, and a straw for yond Gill,And mock much of you, though it were against my will.I would not, I warrant you, fall in such a rage,As so to refuse such a goodly personage.

M. Merry.That I am not a woman myself, for your sake.

I would have you myself, and a straw for yond Gill,

And mock much of you, though it were against my will.

I would not, I warrant you, fall in such a rage,

As so to refuse such a goodly personage.

R. Roister.In faith, I heartily thank thee, Merrygreek.

M. Merry.And I were a woman——

R. Roister.Thou wouldest to me seek.

M. Merry.For, though I say it, a goodly person ye be.

R. Roister.No, no.

M. Merry.Yes, a goodly man, as e'er I did see.

R. Roister.No, I am a poor homely man, as God made me.

M. Merry.By the faith that I owe to God, sir, but ye be.Would I might, for your sake, spend a thousand pound land.

M. Merry.By the faith that I owe to God, sir, but ye be.

Would I might, for your sake, spend a thousand pound land.

R. Roister.I daresay thou wouldest have me to thy husband.

M. Merry.Yea, and I were the fairest lady in the shire,And knew you as I know you, and see you now here—Well, I say no more—

M. Merry.Yea, and I were the fairest lady in the shire,

And knew you as I know you, and see you now here—

Well, I say no more—

R. Roister.Gramercies, with all my heart.

M. Merry.But, since that cannot be, will ye play a wise part?

R. Roister.How should I?

M. Merry.Refrain from Custance a while now,And I warrant her soon right glad to seek to you.Ye shall see her anon come on her knees creeping,And pray you to be good to her, salt tears weeping.

M. Merry.Refrain from Custance a while now,

And I warrant her soon right glad to seek to you.

Ye shall see her anon come on her knees creeping,

And pray you to be good to her, salt tears weeping.

R. Roister.But what, and she come not?

M. Merry.In faith, then, farewell she.Or else, if ye be wroth, ye may avenged be.

M. Merry.In faith, then, farewell she.

Or else, if ye be wroth, ye may avenged be.

R. Roister.By Cock's precious potstick, and e'en so I shall;I will utterly destroy her, and house and all.But I would be avenged in the mean space,On that vile scribbler, that did my wooing disgrace.

R. Roister.By Cock's precious potstick, and e'en so I shall;

I will utterly destroy her, and house and all.

But I would be avenged in the mean space,

On that vile scribbler, that did my wooing disgrace.

M. Merry.Scribbler, ko you? Indeed, he is worthy no less.I will call him to you, and ye bid me, doubtless.

M. Merry.Scribbler, ko you? Indeed, he is worthy no less.

I will call him to you, and ye bid me, doubtless.

R. Roister.Yes, for although he had as many livesAs a thousand widows and a thousand wives,As a thousand lions and a thousand rats,A thousand wolves and a thousand cats,A thousand bulls and a thousand calves,And a thousand legions divided in halves,He shall never 'scape death on my sword's point,Though I should be torn therefore joint by joint.

R. Roister.Yes, for although he had as many lives

As a thousand widows and a thousand wives,

As a thousand lions and a thousand rats,

A thousand wolves and a thousand cats,

A thousand bulls and a thousand calves,

And a thousand legions divided in halves,

He shall never 'scape death on my sword's point,

Though I should be torn therefore joint by joint.

M. Merry.Nay, if ye will kill him, I will not fet him,I will not in so much extremity set him.He may yet amend, sir, and be an honest man;Therefore pardon him, good soul, as much as ye can.

M. Merry.Nay, if ye will kill him, I will not fet him,

I will not in so much extremity set him.

He may yet amend, sir, and be an honest man;

Therefore pardon him, good soul, as much as ye can.

R. Roister.Well, for thy sake, this once with his life he shall pass;But I will hew him all to pieces, by the mass—

R. Roister.Well, for thy sake, this once with his life he shall pass;

But I will hew him all to pieces, by the mass—

M. Merry.Nay, faith, ye shall promise that he shall no harm have,Else I will not fet him.

M. Merry.Nay, faith, ye shall promise that he shall no harm have,

Else I will not fet him.

R. Roister.I shall, so God me save!But I may chide him a good.[127]

R. Roister.I shall, so God me save!

But I may chide him a good.[127]

M. Merry.Yea, that do hardily.

R. Roister.Go then.

M. Merry.I return, and bring him to you by and by.[128][Ex.

ACTUS III., SCÆNA V.

Roister Doister, Matthew Merrygreek.

Back to Index Next