Chapter 9

Diccon.Well done, by Gog's malt, well sung and well said:Come on, mother Chat, as thou art a[208]true maid,One fresh pot of ale let's see, to make an end,Against this cold weather my naked arms[209]to defend:This gear it warms the soul: now, wind, blow on thy worst,And let us drink and swill till that our bellies burst,Now were he a wise man, by cunning could defineWhich way my journey lieth, or where Diccon will dine:But one good turn I have, be it by night or day,South, east, north, or west, I am never out of my way.Hodge.Chim goodly rewarded, cham I not, do you think?Chad a goodly dinner for all my sweat and swink.[210]Neither butter, cheese, milk, onions, flesh, nor fish,Save this piece of barley-bread: 'tis a pleasant costly dish!Diccon.Hail, fellow Hodge, and well[211]to fare with thy meat, if you have any:But by thy words, as I them smelled, thy daintrels be not many.Hodge.Daintrels, Diccon! Gog's soul, man, save this piece of dry horsebread,Chat bit no bit this livelong day, no crumb come in my head:My guts they yawl, crawl, and all my belly rumbleth,The puddings cannot lie still, each one over other tumbleth.By Gog's heart, chain so vexed, and in my belly penn'd,Chould one piece were at the spital-house, another at the castle's end.Diccon.Why, Hodge, was there none at home thy dinner for to set?Hodge.Gog's bread, Diccon, ich came too late, was nothing there to get:Gib (a foul fiend might on her light) licked the milk-pan so clean;See, Diccon, 'twas not so well washed this seven year, as ich ween.A pestilence light on all ill-luck, chad thought yet for all thisOf a morsel of bacon behind the door at worst should not miss:But when ich sought a slip to cut, as ich was wont to do,Gog's souls, Diccon, Gib our cat had eat the bacon too:[Which bacon Diccon stole, as is declared before.Diccon.Ill-luck, quod he? marry, swear it, Hodge, this day the truth tell,Thou rose not on thy right side, or else blessed thee not well.Thy milk slopped up! thy bacon filched! that was too bad luck, Hodge.Hodge.Nay, nay, there was a fouler fault, my Gammer ga' me the dodge:Seest not how cham rent and torn, my heels, my knees, and my breech?Chad thought, as ich sat by the fire, help here and there a stitch;But there ich was pouped indeed.Diccon.Why, Hodge?Hodge.Boots not, man, to tell,Cham so drest amongst a sort of fools, chad better be in hell,My Gammer (cham ashamed to say) by God, served me not well.Diccon.How so, Hodge?Hodge.Has she not gone, trowest now thou, and lost her nee'le?Diccon.Her eel, Hodge! who fished of late? that was a dainty dish.Hodge.Tush, tush, her nee'le, her nee'le, her nee'le, man: 'tis neither flesh nor fish,A little thing with an hole in the end, as bright as any sil'er,Small, long, sharp at the point, and straight as any pillar.Diccon.I know not what a devil thou meanest, thou bring'st me more in doubt.Hodge.Knowest not with what Tom-tailor's man sits broaching through a clout?A nee'le, a nee'le, a nee'le, my Gammer's nee'le is gone.Diccon.Her nee'le! Hodge, now I smell thee; that was a chance alone:By the mass, thou hast a shameful loss, and it were but for thy breeches.Hodge.Gog's soul, man, chould give a crown, chad it but three stitches.Diccon.How sayest thou, Hodge? what should he have, again thy needle got?Hodge.By m' father's soul, and chad it, chould give him a new groat.Diccon.Canst thou keep counsel in this case?Hodge.Else chwold my tongue were out.Diccon.Do thou[212]but then by my advice, and I will fetch it without doubt.Hodge.Chill run, chill ride, chill dig, chill delve,Chill toil, chill trudge, shalt see;Chill hold, chill draw, chill pull, chill pinch,Chill kneel on my bare knee;Chill scrape, chill scratch, chill sift, chill seek,Chill bow, chill bend, chill sweat,Chill stoop, chill stour, chill cap, chill kneel,Chill creep on hands and feet;Chill be thy bondman, Diccon, ich swear by sun and moon,And channot somewhat to stop this gap, cham utterly undone.[Pointing behind to his torn breeches.Diccon.Why, is there any special cause thou takest hereat such sorrow?Hodge.Kirstian Clack, Tom Simson's maid, by the mass, comes hither to-morrow.Cham not able to say between us what may hap,She smiled on me the last Sunday, when ich put off my cap.Diccon.Well, Hodge, this is a matter of weight, and must be kept close,It might else turn to both our costs, as the world now goes.[213]Shalt swear to be no blab, Hodge?Hodge.Chill, Diccon.Diccon.Then go to,Lay thine hand here, say after me, as thou shalt hear me do.Hast no book?Hodge.Cha no book, I.Diccon.Then needs must force us both,Upon my breech to lay thine hand, and there to take thine oath.Hodge.I, Hodge breechless,Swear to Diccon rechlessBy the cross that I shall kiss,To keep his counsel close,And always me to disposeTo work that his pleasure is.[Here he kisseth Diccon's breech.Diccon.Now, Hodge, see thou take heed,And do as I thee bid;For so I judge it meet,This needle again to win,There is no shift therein,But conjure up a spreet.Hodge.What the great devil, Diccon, I say?Diccon.Yea, in good faith, that is the way,Fet[214]with some pretty charm.Hodge.Soft, Diccon, be not too hasty yet,By the mass, for ich begin to sweat,Cham afraid of some[215]harm.Diccon.Come hither then, and stir thee notOne inch out of this circle plat,But stand, as I thee teach.Hodge.And shall ich be here safe from their claws?Diccon.The master-devil with his long pawsHere to thee cannot reach—Now will I settle me to this gear.Hodge.I say, Diccon, hear me, hear:Go softly to this matter.Diccon.What devil, man, art afraid of nought?Hodge.Canst not tarry a little thoughtTill ich make a courtesy of water?[216]Diccon.Stand still to it, why shouldest thou fear him?Hodge.Gog's sides, Diccon, me-think ich hear him,And tarry, chall mar all.Diccon.The matter is no worse than I told it.Hodge.By the mass, cham able no longer to hold it:So[217]bad, ich must beray the hall.Diccon.Stand to it, Hodge, stir not, you whoreson.What devil, be thine arse-strings brusten?Thyself a while but stay,The devil (I smell him) will be here anon.Hodge.Hold him fast, Diccon, cham gone, cham gone,Chill not be at that fray.

Diccon.Well done, by Gog's malt, well sung and well said:

Come on, mother Chat, as thou art a[208]true maid,

One fresh pot of ale let's see, to make an end,

Against this cold weather my naked arms[209]to defend:

This gear it warms the soul: now, wind, blow on thy worst,

And let us drink and swill till that our bellies burst,

Now were he a wise man, by cunning could define

Which way my journey lieth, or where Diccon will dine:

But one good turn I have, be it by night or day,

South, east, north, or west, I am never out of my way.

Hodge.Chim goodly rewarded, cham I not, do you think?Chad a goodly dinner for all my sweat and swink.[210]Neither butter, cheese, milk, onions, flesh, nor fish,Save this piece of barley-bread: 'tis a pleasant costly dish!

Hodge.Chim goodly rewarded, cham I not, do you think?

Chad a goodly dinner for all my sweat and swink.[210]

Neither butter, cheese, milk, onions, flesh, nor fish,

Save this piece of barley-bread: 'tis a pleasant costly dish!

Diccon.Hail, fellow Hodge, and well[211]to fare with thy meat, if you have any:But by thy words, as I them smelled, thy daintrels be not many.

Diccon.Hail, fellow Hodge, and well[211]to fare with thy meat, if you have any:

But by thy words, as I them smelled, thy daintrels be not many.

Hodge.Daintrels, Diccon! Gog's soul, man, save this piece of dry horsebread,Chat bit no bit this livelong day, no crumb come in my head:My guts they yawl, crawl, and all my belly rumbleth,The puddings cannot lie still, each one over other tumbleth.By Gog's heart, chain so vexed, and in my belly penn'd,Chould one piece were at the spital-house, another at the castle's end.

Hodge.Daintrels, Diccon! Gog's soul, man, save this piece of dry horsebread,

Chat bit no bit this livelong day, no crumb come in my head:

My guts they yawl, crawl, and all my belly rumbleth,

The puddings cannot lie still, each one over other tumbleth.

By Gog's heart, chain so vexed, and in my belly penn'd,

Chould one piece were at the spital-house, another at the castle's end.

Diccon.Why, Hodge, was there none at home thy dinner for to set?

Hodge.Gog's bread, Diccon, ich came too late, was nothing there to get:Gib (a foul fiend might on her light) licked the milk-pan so clean;See, Diccon, 'twas not so well washed this seven year, as ich ween.A pestilence light on all ill-luck, chad thought yet for all thisOf a morsel of bacon behind the door at worst should not miss:But when ich sought a slip to cut, as ich was wont to do,Gog's souls, Diccon, Gib our cat had eat the bacon too:[Which bacon Diccon stole, as is declared before.

Hodge.Gog's bread, Diccon, ich came too late, was nothing there to get:

Gib (a foul fiend might on her light) licked the milk-pan so clean;

See, Diccon, 'twas not so well washed this seven year, as ich ween.

A pestilence light on all ill-luck, chad thought yet for all this

Of a morsel of bacon behind the door at worst should not miss:

But when ich sought a slip to cut, as ich was wont to do,

Gog's souls, Diccon, Gib our cat had eat the bacon too:

[Which bacon Diccon stole, as is declared before.

Diccon.Ill-luck, quod he? marry, swear it, Hodge, this day the truth tell,Thou rose not on thy right side, or else blessed thee not well.Thy milk slopped up! thy bacon filched! that was too bad luck, Hodge.

Diccon.Ill-luck, quod he? marry, swear it, Hodge, this day the truth tell,

Thou rose not on thy right side, or else blessed thee not well.

Thy milk slopped up! thy bacon filched! that was too bad luck, Hodge.

Hodge.Nay, nay, there was a fouler fault, my Gammer ga' me the dodge:Seest not how cham rent and torn, my heels, my knees, and my breech?Chad thought, as ich sat by the fire, help here and there a stitch;But there ich was pouped indeed.

Hodge.Nay, nay, there was a fouler fault, my Gammer ga' me the dodge:

Seest not how cham rent and torn, my heels, my knees, and my breech?

Chad thought, as ich sat by the fire, help here and there a stitch;

But there ich was pouped indeed.

Diccon.Why, Hodge?

Hodge.Boots not, man, to tell,Cham so drest amongst a sort of fools, chad better be in hell,My Gammer (cham ashamed to say) by God, served me not well.

Hodge.Boots not, man, to tell,

Cham so drest amongst a sort of fools, chad better be in hell,

My Gammer (cham ashamed to say) by God, served me not well.

Diccon.How so, Hodge?

Hodge.Has she not gone, trowest now thou, and lost her nee'le?

Diccon.Her eel, Hodge! who fished of late? that was a dainty dish.

Hodge.Tush, tush, her nee'le, her nee'le, her nee'le, man: 'tis neither flesh nor fish,A little thing with an hole in the end, as bright as any sil'er,Small, long, sharp at the point, and straight as any pillar.

Hodge.Tush, tush, her nee'le, her nee'le, her nee'le, man: 'tis neither flesh nor fish,

A little thing with an hole in the end, as bright as any sil'er,

Small, long, sharp at the point, and straight as any pillar.

Diccon.I know not what a devil thou meanest, thou bring'st me more in doubt.

Hodge.Knowest not with what Tom-tailor's man sits broaching through a clout?A nee'le, a nee'le, a nee'le, my Gammer's nee'le is gone.

Hodge.Knowest not with what Tom-tailor's man sits broaching through a clout?

A nee'le, a nee'le, a nee'le, my Gammer's nee'le is gone.

Diccon.Her nee'le! Hodge, now I smell thee; that was a chance alone:By the mass, thou hast a shameful loss, and it were but for thy breeches.

Diccon.Her nee'le! Hodge, now I smell thee; that was a chance alone:

By the mass, thou hast a shameful loss, and it were but for thy breeches.

Hodge.Gog's soul, man, chould give a crown, chad it but three stitches.

Diccon.How sayest thou, Hodge? what should he have, again thy needle got?

Hodge.By m' father's soul, and chad it, chould give him a new groat.

Diccon.Canst thou keep counsel in this case?

Hodge.Else chwold my tongue were out.

Diccon.Do thou[212]but then by my advice, and I will fetch it without doubt.

Hodge.Chill run, chill ride, chill dig, chill delve,Chill toil, chill trudge, shalt see;Chill hold, chill draw, chill pull, chill pinch,Chill kneel on my bare knee;Chill scrape, chill scratch, chill sift, chill seek,Chill bow, chill bend, chill sweat,Chill stoop, chill stour, chill cap, chill kneel,Chill creep on hands and feet;Chill be thy bondman, Diccon, ich swear by sun and moon,And channot somewhat to stop this gap, cham utterly undone.[Pointing behind to his torn breeches.

Hodge.Chill run, chill ride, chill dig, chill delve,

Chill toil, chill trudge, shalt see;

Chill hold, chill draw, chill pull, chill pinch,

Chill kneel on my bare knee;

Chill scrape, chill scratch, chill sift, chill seek,

Chill bow, chill bend, chill sweat,

Chill stoop, chill stour, chill cap, chill kneel,

Chill creep on hands and feet;

Chill be thy bondman, Diccon, ich swear by sun and moon,

And channot somewhat to stop this gap, cham utterly undone.

[Pointing behind to his torn breeches.

Diccon.Why, is there any special cause thou takest hereat such sorrow?

Hodge.Kirstian Clack, Tom Simson's maid, by the mass, comes hither to-morrow.Cham not able to say between us what may hap,She smiled on me the last Sunday, when ich put off my cap.

Hodge.Kirstian Clack, Tom Simson's maid, by the mass, comes hither to-morrow.

Cham not able to say between us what may hap,

She smiled on me the last Sunday, when ich put off my cap.

Diccon.Well, Hodge, this is a matter of weight, and must be kept close,It might else turn to both our costs, as the world now goes.[213]Shalt swear to be no blab, Hodge?

Diccon.Well, Hodge, this is a matter of weight, and must be kept close,

It might else turn to both our costs, as the world now goes.[213]

Shalt swear to be no blab, Hodge?

Hodge.Chill, Diccon.

Diccon.Then go to,Lay thine hand here, say after me, as thou shalt hear me do.Hast no book?

Diccon.Then go to,

Lay thine hand here, say after me, as thou shalt hear me do.

Hast no book?

Hodge.Cha no book, I.

Diccon.Then needs must force us both,Upon my breech to lay thine hand, and there to take thine oath.

Diccon.Then needs must force us both,

Upon my breech to lay thine hand, and there to take thine oath.

Hodge.I, Hodge breechless,Swear to Diccon rechlessBy the cross that I shall kiss,To keep his counsel close,And always me to disposeTo work that his pleasure is.[Here he kisseth Diccon's breech.

Hodge.I, Hodge breechless,

Swear to Diccon rechless

By the cross that I shall kiss,

To keep his counsel close,

And always me to dispose

To work that his pleasure is.[Here he kisseth Diccon's breech.

Diccon.Now, Hodge, see thou take heed,And do as I thee bid;For so I judge it meet,This needle again to win,There is no shift therein,But conjure up a spreet.

Diccon.Now, Hodge, see thou take heed,

And do as I thee bid;

For so I judge it meet,

This needle again to win,

There is no shift therein,

But conjure up a spreet.

Hodge.What the great devil, Diccon, I say?

Diccon.Yea, in good faith, that is the way,Fet[214]with some pretty charm.

Diccon.Yea, in good faith, that is the way,

Fet[214]with some pretty charm.

Hodge.Soft, Diccon, be not too hasty yet,By the mass, for ich begin to sweat,Cham afraid of some[215]harm.

Hodge.Soft, Diccon, be not too hasty yet,

By the mass, for ich begin to sweat,

Cham afraid of some[215]harm.

Diccon.Come hither then, and stir thee notOne inch out of this circle plat,But stand, as I thee teach.

Diccon.Come hither then, and stir thee not

One inch out of this circle plat,

But stand, as I thee teach.

Hodge.And shall ich be here safe from their claws?

Diccon.The master-devil with his long pawsHere to thee cannot reach—Now will I settle me to this gear.

Diccon.The master-devil with his long paws

Here to thee cannot reach—

Now will I settle me to this gear.

Hodge.I say, Diccon, hear me, hear:Go softly to this matter.

Hodge.I say, Diccon, hear me, hear:

Go softly to this matter.

Diccon.What devil, man, art afraid of nought?

Hodge.Canst not tarry a little thoughtTill ich make a courtesy of water?[216]

Hodge.Canst not tarry a little thought

Till ich make a courtesy of water?[216]

Diccon.Stand still to it, why shouldest thou fear him?

Hodge.Gog's sides, Diccon, me-think ich hear him,And tarry, chall mar all.

Hodge.Gog's sides, Diccon, me-think ich hear him,

And tarry, chall mar all.

Diccon.The matter is no worse than I told it.

Hodge.By the mass, cham able no longer to hold it:So[217]bad, ich must beray the hall.

Hodge.By the mass, cham able no longer to hold it:

So[217]bad, ich must beray the hall.

Diccon.Stand to it, Hodge, stir not, you whoreson.What devil, be thine arse-strings brusten?Thyself a while but stay,The devil (I smell him) will be here anon.

Diccon.Stand to it, Hodge, stir not, you whoreson.

What devil, be thine arse-strings brusten?

Thyself a while but stay,

The devil (I smell him) will be here anon.

Hodge.Hold him fast, Diccon, cham gone, cham gone,Chill not be at that fray.

Hodge.Hold him fast, Diccon, cham gone, cham gone,

Chill not be at that fray.

THE SECOND ACT.

THE SECOND SCENE.

Diccon, Chat.

Diccon.Fie, shitten knave, and out upon thee!Above all other louts, fie on thee!Is not here a cleanly prank?But thy matter was no better,Nor thy presence here no sweeter,To fly I con[218]thee thank.[219]Here is a matter worthy glosing[220]Of Gammer Gurton's needle losing,And a foul piece of wark:A man, I think, might make a playAnd need no word to this they say,Being but half a clerk.Soft, let me alone, I will take the chargeThis matter further to enlargeWithin a time short;If ye will mark my toys, and note,I will give ye leave to cut my throatIf I make no good sport.Dame Chat, I say, where be ye within?Chat.Who have we there maketh such a din?Diccon.Here is a good fellow maketh no great danger.Chat.What, Diccon? come near, ye be no stranger:We be fast set at trump,[221]man, hard by the fire;Thou shalt set on the king, if thou come a little nigher.Diccon.Nay, nay, there is no tarrying: I must be gone again;But first for you in counsel[222]I have a word or twain.Chat.Come hither, Doll; Doll, sit down and play this game,And as thou sawest me do, see thou do even the same:There is five trumps besides the queen, the hind-most thou shalt find her,Take heed of Sim Glover's wife, she hath an eye behind her.Now, Diccon, say your will.Diccon.Nay, soft a little yet,I would not tell my sister, the matter is so great,There, I will have you swear by Our Dear Lady of Boulogne,[223]Saint Dunstan and Saint Dominic, with the three Kings of Cologne,[224]That ye shall keep it secret.Chat.Gog's bread, that will I do,As secret as mine own thought, by God and the devil too.[225]Diccon.Here is Gammer Gurton, your neighbour, a sad and heavy wight,Her goodly fair red cock at home was stole this last night.Chat.Gog's soul! her cock with the yellow legs, that nightly crowded[226]so just?Diccon.That cock is stolen.Chat.What, was he fet out of the hen's roost?Diccon.I cannot tell where the devil he was kept under key or lock,But Tib hath tickled in Gammer's ear, that you should steal the cock.Chat.Have I; strong whore! by bread and salt[227]—Diccon.What, soft, I say, be still:Say not one word for all this gear.Chat.By the mass, that I will,I will have the young whore by the head and the old trot by the throat.Diccon.Not one word, dame Chat, I say, not one word for my coat.Chat.Shall such a beggar's brawl[228]as that, thinkest thou, make me a thief?The pox light on her whore's sides, a pestilence and mischief!Come out, thou hungry needy bitch; O, that my nails be short!Diccon.Gog's bread, woman, hold your peace, this gear will else pass sport;I would not for an hundred pound this matter should be knownThat I am author of this tale, or have abroad it blown.Did ye not swear ye would be ruled, before the tale I told?I said ye must all secret keep, and ye said sure ye would.Chat.Would you suffer, yourself, Diccon, such a sort to revile youWith slanderous words to blot your name, and so to defile you?Diccon.No, good wife Chat, I would be loth such drabs should blot my name;But yet ye must so order all, that Diccon bear no blame.Chat.Go to, then, what is your reed,[229]say on your mind, ye shall me rule herein.Diccon.God-a-mercy, dame Chat, in faith thou must the gear begin:It is twenty pound to a goose-turd my Gammer will not tarry.But hitherward she comes as fast as her legs can carry,To brawl with you about her cock, for well I heard Tib say,The cock was roasted in your house to breakfast yesterday:And when ye had the carcase eaten, the feathers ye outflung,And Doll your maid the legs she hid a foot-deep in the dung.Chat.O gracious God, my heart it bursts!Diccon.Well, rule yourself a space.And Gammer Gurton, when she cometh anon into this place,Then to the quean let's see: tell her your mind, and spare not.So shall Diccon blameless be; and then go to, I care not.Chat.Then, whore, beware her throat, I can abide no longer:In faith, old witch, it shall be seen which of us two be stronger;And Diccon, but at your request I would not stay one hour.Diccon.Well, keep it in, till she be here, and then out let it pour.In the meanwhile get you in, and make no words of this;More of this matter within this hour to hear you shall not miss.Because I know you are my friend, hide it I could not doubtless:Ye know your harm, see ye be wise about your own business.So fare ye well—Chat.Nay, soft, Diccon, and drink: what, Doll, I say,Bring here a cup of the best ale, let's see, come quickly away.

Diccon.Fie, shitten knave, and out upon thee!

Above all other louts, fie on thee!

Is not here a cleanly prank?

But thy matter was no better,

Nor thy presence here no sweeter,

To fly I con[218]thee thank.[219]

Here is a matter worthy glosing[220]

Of Gammer Gurton's needle losing,

And a foul piece of wark:

A man, I think, might make a play

And need no word to this they say,

Being but half a clerk.

Soft, let me alone, I will take the charge

This matter further to enlarge

Within a time short;

If ye will mark my toys, and note,

I will give ye leave to cut my throat

If I make no good sport.

Dame Chat, I say, where be ye within?

Chat.Who have we there maketh such a din?

Diccon.Here is a good fellow maketh no great danger.

Chat.What, Diccon? come near, ye be no stranger:We be fast set at trump,[221]man, hard by the fire;Thou shalt set on the king, if thou come a little nigher.

Chat.What, Diccon? come near, ye be no stranger:

We be fast set at trump,[221]man, hard by the fire;

Thou shalt set on the king, if thou come a little nigher.

Diccon.Nay, nay, there is no tarrying: I must be gone again;But first for you in counsel[222]I have a word or twain.

Diccon.Nay, nay, there is no tarrying: I must be gone again;

But first for you in counsel[222]I have a word or twain.

Chat.Come hither, Doll; Doll, sit down and play this game,And as thou sawest me do, see thou do even the same:There is five trumps besides the queen, the hind-most thou shalt find her,Take heed of Sim Glover's wife, she hath an eye behind her.Now, Diccon, say your will.

Chat.Come hither, Doll; Doll, sit down and play this game,

And as thou sawest me do, see thou do even the same:

There is five trumps besides the queen, the hind-most thou shalt find her,

Take heed of Sim Glover's wife, she hath an eye behind her.

Now, Diccon, say your will.

Diccon.Nay, soft a little yet,I would not tell my sister, the matter is so great,There, I will have you swear by Our Dear Lady of Boulogne,[223]Saint Dunstan and Saint Dominic, with the three Kings of Cologne,[224]That ye shall keep it secret.

Diccon.Nay, soft a little yet,

I would not tell my sister, the matter is so great,

There, I will have you swear by Our Dear Lady of Boulogne,[223]

Saint Dunstan and Saint Dominic, with the three Kings of Cologne,[224]

That ye shall keep it secret.

Chat.Gog's bread, that will I do,As secret as mine own thought, by God and the devil too.[225]

Chat.Gog's bread, that will I do,

As secret as mine own thought, by God and the devil too.[225]

Diccon.Here is Gammer Gurton, your neighbour, a sad and heavy wight,Her goodly fair red cock at home was stole this last night.

Diccon.Here is Gammer Gurton, your neighbour, a sad and heavy wight,

Her goodly fair red cock at home was stole this last night.

Chat.Gog's soul! her cock with the yellow legs, that nightly crowded[226]so just?

Diccon.That cock is stolen.

Chat.What, was he fet out of the hen's roost?

Diccon.I cannot tell where the devil he was kept under key or lock,But Tib hath tickled in Gammer's ear, that you should steal the cock.

Diccon.I cannot tell where the devil he was kept under key or lock,

But Tib hath tickled in Gammer's ear, that you should steal the cock.

Chat.Have I; strong whore! by bread and salt[227]—

Diccon.What, soft, I say, be still:Say not one word for all this gear.

Diccon.What, soft, I say, be still:

Say not one word for all this gear.

Chat.By the mass, that I will,I will have the young whore by the head and the old trot by the throat.

Chat.By the mass, that I will,

I will have the young whore by the head and the old trot by the throat.

Diccon.Not one word, dame Chat, I say, not one word for my coat.

Chat.Shall such a beggar's brawl[228]as that, thinkest thou, make me a thief?The pox light on her whore's sides, a pestilence and mischief!Come out, thou hungry needy bitch; O, that my nails be short!

Chat.Shall such a beggar's brawl[228]as that, thinkest thou, make me a thief?

The pox light on her whore's sides, a pestilence and mischief!

Come out, thou hungry needy bitch; O, that my nails be short!

Diccon.Gog's bread, woman, hold your peace, this gear will else pass sport;I would not for an hundred pound this matter should be knownThat I am author of this tale, or have abroad it blown.Did ye not swear ye would be ruled, before the tale I told?I said ye must all secret keep, and ye said sure ye would.

Diccon.Gog's bread, woman, hold your peace, this gear will else pass sport;

I would not for an hundred pound this matter should be known

That I am author of this tale, or have abroad it blown.

Did ye not swear ye would be ruled, before the tale I told?

I said ye must all secret keep, and ye said sure ye would.

Chat.Would you suffer, yourself, Diccon, such a sort to revile youWith slanderous words to blot your name, and so to defile you?

Chat.Would you suffer, yourself, Diccon, such a sort to revile you

With slanderous words to blot your name, and so to defile you?

Diccon.No, good wife Chat, I would be loth such drabs should blot my name;But yet ye must so order all, that Diccon bear no blame.

Diccon.No, good wife Chat, I would be loth such drabs should blot my name;

But yet ye must so order all, that Diccon bear no blame.

Chat.Go to, then, what is your reed,[229]say on your mind, ye shall me rule herein.Diccon.God-a-mercy, dame Chat, in faith thou must the gear begin:It is twenty pound to a goose-turd my Gammer will not tarry.But hitherward she comes as fast as her legs can carry,To brawl with you about her cock, for well I heard Tib say,The cock was roasted in your house to breakfast yesterday:And when ye had the carcase eaten, the feathers ye outflung,And Doll your maid the legs she hid a foot-deep in the dung.

Chat.Go to, then, what is your reed,[229]say on your mind, ye shall me rule herein.

Diccon.God-a-mercy, dame Chat, in faith thou must the gear begin:

It is twenty pound to a goose-turd my Gammer will not tarry.

But hitherward she comes as fast as her legs can carry,

To brawl with you about her cock, for well I heard Tib say,

The cock was roasted in your house to breakfast yesterday:

And when ye had the carcase eaten, the feathers ye outflung,

And Doll your maid the legs she hid a foot-deep in the dung.

Chat.O gracious God, my heart it bursts!

Diccon.Well, rule yourself a space.And Gammer Gurton, when she cometh anon into this place,Then to the quean let's see: tell her your mind, and spare not.So shall Diccon blameless be; and then go to, I care not.

Diccon.Well, rule yourself a space.

And Gammer Gurton, when she cometh anon into this place,

Then to the quean let's see: tell her your mind, and spare not.

So shall Diccon blameless be; and then go to, I care not.

Chat.Then, whore, beware her throat, I can abide no longer:In faith, old witch, it shall be seen which of us two be stronger;And Diccon, but at your request I would not stay one hour.

Chat.Then, whore, beware her throat, I can abide no longer:

In faith, old witch, it shall be seen which of us two be stronger;

And Diccon, but at your request I would not stay one hour.

Diccon.Well, keep it in, till she be here, and then out let it pour.In the meanwhile get you in, and make no words of this;More of this matter within this hour to hear you shall not miss.Because I know you are my friend, hide it I could not doubtless:Ye know your harm, see ye be wise about your own business.So fare ye well—

Diccon.Well, keep it in, till she be here, and then out let it pour.

In the meanwhile get you in, and make no words of this;

More of this matter within this hour to hear you shall not miss.

Because I know you are my friend, hide it I could not doubtless:

Ye know your harm, see ye be wise about your own business.

So fare ye well—

Chat.Nay, soft, Diccon, and drink: what, Doll, I say,Bring here a cup of the best ale, let's see, come quickly away.

Chat.Nay, soft, Diccon, and drink: what, Doll, I say,

Bring here a cup of the best ale, let's see, come quickly away.

THE SECOND ACT.

THE THIRD SCENE.

Hodge, Diccon.

Diccon.Ye see, masters, that one end tapp'd of this my short device,Now must we broach t'other too, before the smoke arise;And by the time they have a while run,I trust ye need not crave it,But look what lieth in both their hearts, ye are like sure to have it.Hodge.Yea, Gog's soul, art alive yet? what Diccon, dare ich come?Diccon.A man is well hied to trust to thee, I will say nothing but mum.But, and ye come any nearer, I pray you see all be sweet.Hodge.Tush, man, is Gammer's nee'le found? that chould gladly weet.[230]Diccon.She may thank thee it is not found, for if you had kept thy standing,The devil he would have fet it out—ev'n, Hodge, at thy commanding.Hodge.Gog's heart! and could he tell nothing where the nee'le might be found?Diccon.Ye foolish dolt, ye were to seek, ere we had got our ground;Therefore his tale so doubtful was, that I could not perceive it.Hodge.Then ich see well something was said, chope one day yet to have it.But Diccon, Diccon, did not the devil cry, ho, ho, ho?[231]Diccon.If thou hadst tarried where thou stood'st, thou wouldst hove said so.Hodge.Durst swear of a book, cheard him roar, straight after ich was gone;But tell me, Diccon, what said the knave, let me hear it anon.Diccon.The whoreson talked to me, I know not well of what:One while his tongue it ran, and paltered[232]of a cat,Another while he stammered still upon a rat;Last of all there was nothing but every word, Chat, Chat;But this I well perceived, before I would him rid,Between Chat, and the rat, and the cat, the needle is hid:Now whether Gib our cat hath eat it in her maw,Or Doctor Rat our curate hath found it in the straw,Or this dame Chat your neighbour hath stolen it, God he knoweth,But by the morrow at this time we shall learn how the matter goeth.Hodge.Canst not learn to-night, man, seest not what is here?[Pointing behind to his torn breeches.Diccon.'Tis not possible to make it sooner appear.Hodge.Allas, Diccon, then chave no shift; but lest ich tarry too long,[Will] hie me to Sim Glover's shop, there to seek for thong,Therewith this breech to thatch and tie, as ich may.Diccon.To-morrow, Hodge, if we chance to meet, shall see what I will say.THE SECOND ACT.THE FOURTH SCENE.Diccon, Gammer.Diccon.Now this gear must forward go, for here my Gammer cometh:Be still a while, and say nothing, make here a little romth.[233]Gammer.Good lord! shall never be my luck my nee'le again to spy?Alas the while, 'tis past my help; where 'tis, still it must lie.Diccon.Now, Jesus, Gammer Gurton, what driveth you to this sadness?I fear me, by my conscience, you will sure fall to madness.Gammer.Who is that? what, Diccon? cham lost, man: fie, fie.Diccon.Marry, fie on them that be worthy; but what should be your trouble?Gammer.Alas, the more ich think on it, my sorrow it waxeth double.My goodly tossing[234]Spurrier's nee'le[235]chave lost, ich wot not where.Diccon.Your nee'le! when?Gammer.My nee'le: alas! ich might full ill it spare,As God himself he knoweth, ne'er one beside chave.Diccon.If this be all, good Gammer, I warrant you all is safe.Gammer.Why, know you any tidings which way my nee'le is gone?Diccon.Yea, that I do, doubtless, as ye shall hear anon,'A see a thing this matter toucheth within these twenty hours,Even at this gate before my face, by a neighbour of yours;She stooped me down, and up she took up a needle or a pin,I durst be sworn it was even yours, by all my mother's kin.Gammer.It was my nee'le, Diccon, ich wot; for here even by this postIch sat, what time as ich up start, and so my nee'le ich lost:Who was it, leve son?[236]speak, ich pray thee, and quickly tell me that.Diccon.A subtle quean as any in this town, your neighbour here, dame Chat.Gammer.Dame Chat! Diccon, let me be gone: chill thither in post haste.Diccon.Take my counsel yet, ere ye go, for fear ye walk in waste,It is a murrain crafty drab, and froward to be pleased,And ye take not the better way, your[237]needle yet ye lose:For when she took it up, even here before your doors:What, soft, dame Chat (quoth I), that same is none of yours.Avaunt (quoth she), sir knave, what pratest thou of that I find?I would thou hadst kiss'd me I wot where: (she meant I know behind)And home she went as brag as it had been a body-louse,[238]And I after her, as bold as it had been the goodman of the house:But there, and ye had heard her, how she began to scold,The tongue it went on patins, by him that Judas sold!Each other word I was a knave, and you a whore of whores,Because I spake in your behalf, and said the nee'le was yours.Gammer.Gog's bread! and thinks the callet[239]thus to keep my nee'le me fro?Diccon.Let her alone, and she minds none other, but even to dress you so.Gammer.By the mass, chill rather spend the coat that is on my back.Thinks the false quean by such a sleight,[240]that chill my nee'le lack?Diccon.Slip not your gear,[241]I counsel you, but of this take good heed,Let not be known, I told you of it, how well soever ye speed.Gammer.Chill in, Diccon, and clean aporn to take, and set before me;And ich may my nee'le once see, chill sure remember thee.THE SECOND ACT.THE FIFTH SCENE.Diccon.Here will the sport begin, if these two once may meet,Their cheer, durst lay money, will prove scarcely sweet.My gammer sure intends to be upon her bonesWith staves or with clubs, or else with cobble stones.[242]Dame Chat on the other side, if she be far behind,I am right far deceived, she is given to it of kind.[243]He that may tarry by it a while, and that but short,I warrant him trust to it, he shall see all the sport.Into the town will I, my friends to visit there,And hither straight again to see the end of this gear.In the meantime, fellows, pipe up your fiddles: I say, take them,[244]And let your friends hear such mirth as ye can make them.THE THIRD ACT.THE FIRST SCENE.Hodge.Sim Glover, yet gramercy! cham meetly well-sped now,Th 'art even as good a fellow as ever kiss'd a cow.Here is a thong[245]indeed, by the mass, though ich speak it,Tom Tankard's great bald curtal,[246]I think, could not break it.And when he spied my need to be so straight and hard,Hase lent me here his nawl to set the gib forward.[247]As for my gammer's nee'le the flying fiend go wi' it,Chill not now go to the door again with it to meet.Chould make shift good enough, and chad a candle's end:The chief hole in my breech with these two chill amend.THE THIRD ACT.THE SECOND SCENE.Gammer, Hodge.Gammer.How, Hodge! may'st now be glad, cha news to tell thee,Ich know who hase my nee'le, ich trust soon shall it see.Hodge.The devil thou does; hast heard, gammer, indeed, or dost but jest?Gammer.Tis as true as steel, Hodge.Hodge.Why, knowest well where didst lese it?Gammer.Ich know who found it, and took it up: shalt see, ere it be long.Hodge.God's mother dear, if that be true, farewell both nawl and thong!But who hase it, gammer, say? one chould fain hear it disclosed.Gammer.That false vixen, that same dame Chat, that counts herself so honest.Hodge.Who told you so?Gammer.That same did Diccon the bedlam, which saw it done.Hodge.Diccon! it is a vengeable knave, gammer, 'tis a bonable[248]whoreson,Can do mo things than that, els cham deceived evil:By the mass, ich saw him of late call up a great black devil.O, the knave criedho, ho! he roared and he thundered,And ye 'ad been here, cham sure you 'ld murrainly ha' wondered.Gammer.Was not thou afraid, Hodge, to see him in this place?Hodge.No, and chad come to me, chould have laid him on the face,Chould have promised him.Gammer.But, Hodge, had he no horns to push?Hodge.As long as your two arms. Saw ye never Friar RushPainted on a cloth with a side-long cow's tail,And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked nail?For all the world (if I should judge) chould reckon him his brother:Look, even what face Friar Rush[249]had, the devil had such another.Gammer.Now, Jesus mercy, Hodge, did Diccon in him bring?Hodge.Nay, gammer (hear me speak), chill tell you a greater thing.The devil, when Diccon bad him (ich heard him wondrous well)Said plainly (here before us) that dame Chat had your nee'le.Gammer.Then let us go, and ask her wherefore she minds to keep it;Seeing we know so much, 'twere madness now to slip it.Hodge.Go to her, gammer, see ye not where she stands in her doors?Bid her give you the nee'le; 'tis none of hers, but yours.

Diccon.Ye see, masters, that one end tapp'd of this my short device,

Now must we broach t'other too, before the smoke arise;

And by the time they have a while run,

I trust ye need not crave it,

But look what lieth in both their hearts, ye are like sure to have it.

Hodge.Yea, Gog's soul, art alive yet? what Diccon, dare ich come?

Diccon.A man is well hied to trust to thee, I will say nothing but mum.But, and ye come any nearer, I pray you see all be sweet.

Diccon.A man is well hied to trust to thee, I will say nothing but mum.

But, and ye come any nearer, I pray you see all be sweet.

Hodge.Tush, man, is Gammer's nee'le found? that chould gladly weet.[230]

Diccon.She may thank thee it is not found, for if you had kept thy standing,The devil he would have fet it out—ev'n, Hodge, at thy commanding.

Diccon.She may thank thee it is not found, for if you had kept thy standing,

The devil he would have fet it out—ev'n, Hodge, at thy commanding.

Hodge.Gog's heart! and could he tell nothing where the nee'le might be found?

Diccon.Ye foolish dolt, ye were to seek, ere we had got our ground;Therefore his tale so doubtful was, that I could not perceive it.

Diccon.Ye foolish dolt, ye were to seek, ere we had got our ground;

Therefore his tale so doubtful was, that I could not perceive it.

Hodge.Then ich see well something was said, chope one day yet to have it.But Diccon, Diccon, did not the devil cry, ho, ho, ho?[231]

Hodge.Then ich see well something was said, chope one day yet to have it.

But Diccon, Diccon, did not the devil cry, ho, ho, ho?[231]

Diccon.If thou hadst tarried where thou stood'st, thou wouldst hove said so.

Hodge.Durst swear of a book, cheard him roar, straight after ich was gone;But tell me, Diccon, what said the knave, let me hear it anon.

Hodge.Durst swear of a book, cheard him roar, straight after ich was gone;

But tell me, Diccon, what said the knave, let me hear it anon.

Diccon.The whoreson talked to me, I know not well of what:One while his tongue it ran, and paltered[232]of a cat,Another while he stammered still upon a rat;Last of all there was nothing but every word, Chat, Chat;But this I well perceived, before I would him rid,Between Chat, and the rat, and the cat, the needle is hid:Now whether Gib our cat hath eat it in her maw,Or Doctor Rat our curate hath found it in the straw,Or this dame Chat your neighbour hath stolen it, God he knoweth,But by the morrow at this time we shall learn how the matter goeth.

Diccon.The whoreson talked to me, I know not well of what:

One while his tongue it ran, and paltered[232]of a cat,

Another while he stammered still upon a rat;

Last of all there was nothing but every word, Chat, Chat;

But this I well perceived, before I would him rid,

Between Chat, and the rat, and the cat, the needle is hid:

Now whether Gib our cat hath eat it in her maw,

Or Doctor Rat our curate hath found it in the straw,

Or this dame Chat your neighbour hath stolen it, God he knoweth,

But by the morrow at this time we shall learn how the matter goeth.

Hodge.Canst not learn to-night, man, seest not what is here?[Pointing behind to his torn breeches.Diccon.'Tis not possible to make it sooner appear.Hodge.Allas, Diccon, then chave no shift; but lest ich tarry too long,[Will] hie me to Sim Glover's shop, there to seek for thong,Therewith this breech to thatch and tie, as ich may.Diccon.To-morrow, Hodge, if we chance to meet, shall see what I will say.

Hodge.Canst not learn to-night, man, seest not what is here?[Pointing behind to his torn breeches.

[Pointing behind to his torn breeches.

Diccon.'Tis not possible to make it sooner appear.

Hodge.Allas, Diccon, then chave no shift; but lest ich tarry too long,[Will] hie me to Sim Glover's shop, there to seek for thong,Therewith this breech to thatch and tie, as ich may.

Hodge.Allas, Diccon, then chave no shift; but lest ich tarry too long,

[Will] hie me to Sim Glover's shop, there to seek for thong,

Therewith this breech to thatch and tie, as ich may.

Diccon.To-morrow, Hodge, if we chance to meet, shall see what I will say.

THE SECOND ACT.

THE FOURTH SCENE.

Diccon, Gammer.

Diccon.Now this gear must forward go, for here my Gammer cometh:Be still a while, and say nothing, make here a little romth.[233]Gammer.Good lord! shall never be my luck my nee'le again to spy?Alas the while, 'tis past my help; where 'tis, still it must lie.Diccon.Now, Jesus, Gammer Gurton, what driveth you to this sadness?I fear me, by my conscience, you will sure fall to madness.Gammer.Who is that? what, Diccon? cham lost, man: fie, fie.Diccon.Marry, fie on them that be worthy; but what should be your trouble?Gammer.Alas, the more ich think on it, my sorrow it waxeth double.My goodly tossing[234]Spurrier's nee'le[235]chave lost, ich wot not where.Diccon.Your nee'le! when?Gammer.My nee'le: alas! ich might full ill it spare,As God himself he knoweth, ne'er one beside chave.Diccon.If this be all, good Gammer, I warrant you all is safe.Gammer.Why, know you any tidings which way my nee'le is gone?Diccon.Yea, that I do, doubtless, as ye shall hear anon,'A see a thing this matter toucheth within these twenty hours,Even at this gate before my face, by a neighbour of yours;She stooped me down, and up she took up a needle or a pin,I durst be sworn it was even yours, by all my mother's kin.Gammer.It was my nee'le, Diccon, ich wot; for here even by this postIch sat, what time as ich up start, and so my nee'le ich lost:Who was it, leve son?[236]speak, ich pray thee, and quickly tell me that.Diccon.A subtle quean as any in this town, your neighbour here, dame Chat.Gammer.Dame Chat! Diccon, let me be gone: chill thither in post haste.Diccon.Take my counsel yet, ere ye go, for fear ye walk in waste,It is a murrain crafty drab, and froward to be pleased,And ye take not the better way, your[237]needle yet ye lose:For when she took it up, even here before your doors:What, soft, dame Chat (quoth I), that same is none of yours.Avaunt (quoth she), sir knave, what pratest thou of that I find?I would thou hadst kiss'd me I wot where: (she meant I know behind)And home she went as brag as it had been a body-louse,[238]And I after her, as bold as it had been the goodman of the house:But there, and ye had heard her, how she began to scold,The tongue it went on patins, by him that Judas sold!Each other word I was a knave, and you a whore of whores,Because I spake in your behalf, and said the nee'le was yours.Gammer.Gog's bread! and thinks the callet[239]thus to keep my nee'le me fro?Diccon.Let her alone, and she minds none other, but even to dress you so.Gammer.By the mass, chill rather spend the coat that is on my back.Thinks the false quean by such a sleight,[240]that chill my nee'le lack?Diccon.Slip not your gear,[241]I counsel you, but of this take good heed,Let not be known, I told you of it, how well soever ye speed.Gammer.Chill in, Diccon, and clean aporn to take, and set before me;And ich may my nee'le once see, chill sure remember thee.

Diccon.Now this gear must forward go, for here my Gammer cometh:Be still a while, and say nothing, make here a little romth.[233]

Diccon.Now this gear must forward go, for here my Gammer cometh:

Be still a while, and say nothing, make here a little romth.[233]

Gammer.Good lord! shall never be my luck my nee'le again to spy?Alas the while, 'tis past my help; where 'tis, still it must lie.

Gammer.Good lord! shall never be my luck my nee'le again to spy?

Alas the while, 'tis past my help; where 'tis, still it must lie.

Diccon.Now, Jesus, Gammer Gurton, what driveth you to this sadness?I fear me, by my conscience, you will sure fall to madness.

Diccon.Now, Jesus, Gammer Gurton, what driveth you to this sadness?

I fear me, by my conscience, you will sure fall to madness.

Gammer.Who is that? what, Diccon? cham lost, man: fie, fie.

Diccon.Marry, fie on them that be worthy; but what should be your trouble?

Gammer.Alas, the more ich think on it, my sorrow it waxeth double.My goodly tossing[234]Spurrier's nee'le[235]chave lost, ich wot not where.

Gammer.Alas, the more ich think on it, my sorrow it waxeth double.

My goodly tossing[234]Spurrier's nee'le[235]chave lost, ich wot not where.

Diccon.Your nee'le! when?

Gammer.My nee'le: alas! ich might full ill it spare,As God himself he knoweth, ne'er one beside chave.

Gammer.My nee'le: alas! ich might full ill it spare,

As God himself he knoweth, ne'er one beside chave.

Diccon.If this be all, good Gammer, I warrant you all is safe.

Gammer.Why, know you any tidings which way my nee'le is gone?

Diccon.Yea, that I do, doubtless, as ye shall hear anon,'A see a thing this matter toucheth within these twenty hours,Even at this gate before my face, by a neighbour of yours;She stooped me down, and up she took up a needle or a pin,I durst be sworn it was even yours, by all my mother's kin.

Diccon.Yea, that I do, doubtless, as ye shall hear anon,

'A see a thing this matter toucheth within these twenty hours,

Even at this gate before my face, by a neighbour of yours;

She stooped me down, and up she took up a needle or a pin,

I durst be sworn it was even yours, by all my mother's kin.

Gammer.It was my nee'le, Diccon, ich wot; for here even by this postIch sat, what time as ich up start, and so my nee'le ich lost:Who was it, leve son?[236]speak, ich pray thee, and quickly tell me that.

Gammer.It was my nee'le, Diccon, ich wot; for here even by this post

Ich sat, what time as ich up start, and so my nee'le ich lost:

Who was it, leve son?[236]speak, ich pray thee, and quickly tell me that.

Diccon.A subtle quean as any in this town, your neighbour here, dame Chat.

Gammer.Dame Chat! Diccon, let me be gone: chill thither in post haste.

Diccon.Take my counsel yet, ere ye go, for fear ye walk in waste,It is a murrain crafty drab, and froward to be pleased,And ye take not the better way, your[237]needle yet ye lose:For when she took it up, even here before your doors:What, soft, dame Chat (quoth I), that same is none of yours.Avaunt (quoth she), sir knave, what pratest thou of that I find?I would thou hadst kiss'd me I wot where: (she meant I know behind)And home she went as brag as it had been a body-louse,[238]And I after her, as bold as it had been the goodman of the house:But there, and ye had heard her, how she began to scold,The tongue it went on patins, by him that Judas sold!Each other word I was a knave, and you a whore of whores,Because I spake in your behalf, and said the nee'le was yours.

Diccon.Take my counsel yet, ere ye go, for fear ye walk in waste,

It is a murrain crafty drab, and froward to be pleased,

And ye take not the better way, your[237]needle yet ye lose:

For when she took it up, even here before your doors:

What, soft, dame Chat (quoth I), that same is none of yours.

Avaunt (quoth she), sir knave, what pratest thou of that I find?

I would thou hadst kiss'd me I wot where: (she meant I know behind)

And home she went as brag as it had been a body-louse,[238]

And I after her, as bold as it had been the goodman of the house:

But there, and ye had heard her, how she began to scold,

The tongue it went on patins, by him that Judas sold!

Each other word I was a knave, and you a whore of whores,

Because I spake in your behalf, and said the nee'le was yours.

Gammer.Gog's bread! and thinks the callet[239]thus to keep my nee'le me fro?

Diccon.Let her alone, and she minds none other, but even to dress you so.

Gammer.By the mass, chill rather spend the coat that is on my back.Thinks the false quean by such a sleight,[240]that chill my nee'le lack?

Gammer.By the mass, chill rather spend the coat that is on my back.

Thinks the false quean by such a sleight,[240]that chill my nee'le lack?

Diccon.Slip not your gear,[241]I counsel you, but of this take good heed,Let not be known, I told you of it, how well soever ye speed.

Diccon.Slip not your gear,[241]I counsel you, but of this take good heed,

Let not be known, I told you of it, how well soever ye speed.

Gammer.Chill in, Diccon, and clean aporn to take, and set before me;And ich may my nee'le once see, chill sure remember thee.

Gammer.Chill in, Diccon, and clean aporn to take, and set before me;

And ich may my nee'le once see, chill sure remember thee.

THE SECOND ACT.

THE FIFTH SCENE.

Diccon.Here will the sport begin, if these two once may meet,Their cheer, durst lay money, will prove scarcely sweet.My gammer sure intends to be upon her bonesWith staves or with clubs, or else with cobble stones.[242]Dame Chat on the other side, if she be far behind,I am right far deceived, she is given to it of kind.[243]He that may tarry by it a while, and that but short,I warrant him trust to it, he shall see all the sport.Into the town will I, my friends to visit there,And hither straight again to see the end of this gear.In the meantime, fellows, pipe up your fiddles: I say, take them,[244]And let your friends hear such mirth as ye can make them.

Diccon.Here will the sport begin, if these two once may meet,

Their cheer, durst lay money, will prove scarcely sweet.

My gammer sure intends to be upon her bones

With staves or with clubs, or else with cobble stones.[242]

Dame Chat on the other side, if she be far behind,

I am right far deceived, she is given to it of kind.[243]

He that may tarry by it a while, and that but short,

I warrant him trust to it, he shall see all the sport.

Into the town will I, my friends to visit there,

And hither straight again to see the end of this gear.

In the meantime, fellows, pipe up your fiddles: I say, take them,[244]

And let your friends hear such mirth as ye can make them.

THE FIRST SCENE.

Hodge.Sim Glover, yet gramercy! cham meetly well-sped now,Th 'art even as good a fellow as ever kiss'd a cow.Here is a thong[245]indeed, by the mass, though ich speak it,Tom Tankard's great bald curtal,[246]I think, could not break it.And when he spied my need to be so straight and hard,Hase lent me here his nawl to set the gib forward.[247]As for my gammer's nee'le the flying fiend go wi' it,Chill not now go to the door again with it to meet.Chould make shift good enough, and chad a candle's end:The chief hole in my breech with these two chill amend.

Hodge.Sim Glover, yet gramercy! cham meetly well-sped now,

Th 'art even as good a fellow as ever kiss'd a cow.

Here is a thong[245]indeed, by the mass, though ich speak it,

Tom Tankard's great bald curtal,[246]I think, could not break it.

And when he spied my need to be so straight and hard,

Hase lent me here his nawl to set the gib forward.[247]

As for my gammer's nee'le the flying fiend go wi' it,

Chill not now go to the door again with it to meet.

Chould make shift good enough, and chad a candle's end:

The chief hole in my breech with these two chill amend.

THE THIRD ACT.

THE SECOND SCENE.

Gammer, Hodge.

Gammer.How, Hodge! may'st now be glad, cha news to tell thee,Ich know who hase my nee'le, ich trust soon shall it see.Hodge.The devil thou does; hast heard, gammer, indeed, or dost but jest?Gammer.Tis as true as steel, Hodge.Hodge.Why, knowest well where didst lese it?Gammer.Ich know who found it, and took it up: shalt see, ere it be long.Hodge.God's mother dear, if that be true, farewell both nawl and thong!But who hase it, gammer, say? one chould fain hear it disclosed.Gammer.That false vixen, that same dame Chat, that counts herself so honest.Hodge.Who told you so?Gammer.That same did Diccon the bedlam, which saw it done.Hodge.Diccon! it is a vengeable knave, gammer, 'tis a bonable[248]whoreson,Can do mo things than that, els cham deceived evil:By the mass, ich saw him of late call up a great black devil.O, the knave criedho, ho! he roared and he thundered,And ye 'ad been here, cham sure you 'ld murrainly ha' wondered.Gammer.Was not thou afraid, Hodge, to see him in this place?Hodge.No, and chad come to me, chould have laid him on the face,Chould have promised him.Gammer.But, Hodge, had he no horns to push?Hodge.As long as your two arms. Saw ye never Friar RushPainted on a cloth with a side-long cow's tail,And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked nail?For all the world (if I should judge) chould reckon him his brother:Look, even what face Friar Rush[249]had, the devil had such another.Gammer.Now, Jesus mercy, Hodge, did Diccon in him bring?Hodge.Nay, gammer (hear me speak), chill tell you a greater thing.The devil, when Diccon bad him (ich heard him wondrous well)Said plainly (here before us) that dame Chat had your nee'le.Gammer.Then let us go, and ask her wherefore she minds to keep it;Seeing we know so much, 'twere madness now to slip it.Hodge.Go to her, gammer, see ye not where she stands in her doors?Bid her give you the nee'le; 'tis none of hers, but yours.

Gammer.How, Hodge! may'st now be glad, cha news to tell thee,Ich know who hase my nee'le, ich trust soon shall it see.

Gammer.How, Hodge! may'st now be glad, cha news to tell thee,

Ich know who hase my nee'le, ich trust soon shall it see.

Hodge.The devil thou does; hast heard, gammer, indeed, or dost but jest?

Gammer.Tis as true as steel, Hodge.

Hodge.Why, knowest well where didst lese it?

Gammer.Ich know who found it, and took it up: shalt see, ere it be long.

Hodge.God's mother dear, if that be true, farewell both nawl and thong!But who hase it, gammer, say? one chould fain hear it disclosed.

Hodge.God's mother dear, if that be true, farewell both nawl and thong!

But who hase it, gammer, say? one chould fain hear it disclosed.

Gammer.That false vixen, that same dame Chat, that counts herself so honest.

Hodge.Who told you so?

Gammer.That same did Diccon the bedlam, which saw it done.

Hodge.Diccon! it is a vengeable knave, gammer, 'tis a bonable[248]whoreson,Can do mo things than that, els cham deceived evil:By the mass, ich saw him of late call up a great black devil.O, the knave criedho, ho! he roared and he thundered,And ye 'ad been here, cham sure you 'ld murrainly ha' wondered.

Hodge.Diccon! it is a vengeable knave, gammer, 'tis a bonable[248]whoreson,

Can do mo things than that, els cham deceived evil:

By the mass, ich saw him of late call up a great black devil.

O, the knave criedho, ho! he roared and he thundered,

And ye 'ad been here, cham sure you 'ld murrainly ha' wondered.

Gammer.Was not thou afraid, Hodge, to see him in this place?

Hodge.No, and chad come to me, chould have laid him on the face,Chould have promised him.

Hodge.No, and chad come to me, chould have laid him on the face,

Chould have promised him.

Gammer.But, Hodge, had he no horns to push?

Hodge.As long as your two arms. Saw ye never Friar RushPainted on a cloth with a side-long cow's tail,And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked nail?For all the world (if I should judge) chould reckon him his brother:Look, even what face Friar Rush[249]had, the devil had such another.

Hodge.As long as your two arms. Saw ye never Friar Rush

Painted on a cloth with a side-long cow's tail,

And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked nail?

For all the world (if I should judge) chould reckon him his brother:

Look, even what face Friar Rush[249]had, the devil had such another.

Gammer.Now, Jesus mercy, Hodge, did Diccon in him bring?

Hodge.Nay, gammer (hear me speak), chill tell you a greater thing.The devil, when Diccon bad him (ich heard him wondrous well)Said plainly (here before us) that dame Chat had your nee'le.

Hodge.Nay, gammer (hear me speak), chill tell you a greater thing.

The devil, when Diccon bad him (ich heard him wondrous well)

Said plainly (here before us) that dame Chat had your nee'le.

Gammer.Then let us go, and ask her wherefore she minds to keep it;Seeing we know so much, 'twere madness now to slip it.

Gammer.Then let us go, and ask her wherefore she minds to keep it;

Seeing we know so much, 'twere madness now to slip it.

Hodge.Go to her, gammer, see ye not where she stands in her doors?

Bid her give you the nee'le; 'tis none of hers, but yours.

THE THIRD ACT.

THE THIRD SCENE.

Gammer, Chat, Hodge.

Gammer.Dame Chat, ch' ould pray thee fair, let me have that is mine,Chill not these twenty years take one fart that is thine;Therefore give me mine own, and let me live beside thee—Chat.Why art thou crept from home hither to mine own doors to chide me?Hence, doating drab, avaunt, or I shall set thee further.Intends thou and this knave me in my house to murther?Gammer.Tush! gape not so on[250]me, woman: shalt not yet eat me,Nor all the friends thou hast in this shall not entreat me;Mine own goods I will have, and ask thee no[251]by'r leave:What, woman, poor folks must have right, though the thing you aggrieve.Chat.Give thee thy right, and hang thee up, with all thy beggar's brood!What, wilt thou make me a thief, and say I stole thy good?Gammer.Chill say nothing (ich warrant thee), but that ich can prove it well,Thou fet my good even from my door, cham able this to tell.Chat.Did I (old witch) steal ought was thine? how should that thing be known?Gammer.Ich cannot tell, but up thou tookest it, as though it had been thine own.Chat.Marry, fie on thee, thou old gib, with all my very heart.Gammer.Nay, fie on thee, thou ramp,[252]thou rig,[253]with all that take thy part.Chat.A vengeance on those lips that layeth such things to my charge.Gammer.A vengeance on those callet's hips, whose conscience is so large.Chat.Come out, hog.Gammer.Come out, hog, and let have me right.Chat.Thou arrant witch.Gammer.Thou bawdy bitch, chill make thee curse this night.Chat. A bag and a wallet![254]Gammer.A cart for a callet!Chat.Why, weenest[255]thou thus to prevail?I hold thee a groat,I shall patch thy coat.Gammer.Thou wert as good kiss my tail;Thou slut, thou cut,[256]thou rakes, thou jakes, will not shame make thee hide thee?[257]Chat.Thou skald, thou bald, thou rotten,[258]thou glutton, I will no longer chide thee;But I will teach thee to keep home.Gammer.Wilt thou, drunken beast?[They fight.Hodge.Stick to her, gammer, take her by the head, chill warrant you this feast.Smite, I say, gammer,Bite, I say, gammer;I trow ye will be keen;Where be your nails? claw her by the jaws, pull me out both her eyen.Gog's bones, gammer, hold up your head.Chat.I trow, drab, I shall dress thee.Tarry, thou knave, I hold thee a groat, I shall make these hands bless thee.[Gurton.] Take thou this, old whore, for amends, and learn thy tongue well to tame,And say thou met at this bickering, not thy fellow,[259]but thy dame.Hodge.Where is the strong stewed whore?[260]chill gi 'r a whore's mark.Stand out one's way, that ich kill none in the dark.Up, gammer, and ye be alive, chill fight[261]now for us both;Come no near me, thou scald callet, to kill thee ich were loth.Chat.Art here again, thou hoddypeke?[262]what, Doll, bring me out my spit.Hodge.Chill broach thee with this, by m' father's soul, chill conjure that foul spreet.Let door stand, Cock, why com'st indeed? keep door, thou whoreson boy.Chat[to Doll.]Stand to it, thou dastard, for thine ears; ise teach the sluttish toy.Hodge.Gog's wounds, whore, chill make thee avaunt,Take heed, Cock, pull in the latch.Chat.I' faith, sir loose-breech, had ye tarried, ye should have found your match.Gammer.Now 'ware thy throat, losel,[263]thou'se pay for all.Hodge.Well said, gammer, by my soul.Hoise her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, pull her throat-hole.Chat.Com'st behind me, thou withered witch? and I get once on foot,Thou'se pay for all, thou old tar-leather, I'll teach thee what longs to 't.Take thee this to make up thy mouth, till time thou come by more.Hodge.Up, gammer, stand on your feet, where is the old whore?Faith, would chad her by the face, chould crack her callet crown.Gammer.Ah, Hodge, Hodge, where was thy help, when th' vixen had me down!Hodge.By the mass, Gammer, but for my staff, Chat had gone nigh to spill you.Ich think the harlot had not cared, and chad not come, to kill you.But shall we lose our nee'le thus?Gammer.No, Hodge, ich were loth to do so.Thinkest thou chill take that at her hand? no, Hodge, ich tell thee no.Hodge.Chould yet this fray were well take up, and our own nee'le at home,'Twill be my chance else some to kill, wherever it be or whom.Gammer.We have a parson (Hodge, thou knows), a man esteemed wise,Mast Doctor Rat, chill for him send, and let me hear his advice.He will her shrive[264]for all this gear, and give her penance straight.Wese have our nee'le, else dame Chat comes ne'er within heaven-gate.Hodge.Yea marry, gammer, that ich think best: will you now for him send?The sooner Doctor Rat be here, the sooner wese ha' an end.And here, gammer, Diccon's devil (as ich remember well)Of Cat and Chat, and Doctor Rat, a felonious tale did tell,Chold you forty pound, that is the way your nee'le to get again.Gammer.Chill ha' him straight; call out the boy, wese make him take the pain.Hodge.What, Cock, I say, come out; what devil, can'st not hear?Cock.[265]How now, Hodge, how does gammer? is yet the weather clear?What would chave me to do?Gammer.Come hither, Cock, anon.Hence swith to Doctor Rat hie thee, that thou were gone,And pray him come speak with me, cham not well at ease:Shalt have him at his chamber, or else at Mother Bee's,Else seek him at Hob Filcher's shop; for, as cheard it reported,There is the best ale in all the town, and now is most resorted.Cock.And shall ich bring him with me, gammer?Gammer.Yea, by and by, good Cock.Cock.[266]Shalt see that shall be here anon, else let me have on the dock.Hodge.Now, gammer, shall we two go in, and tarry for his coming?What devil, woman, pluck up your heart, and leave off all this glooming.[267]Though she were stronger at the first, as ich think ye did find her.Yet there ye dress'd the drunken sow, what time ye came behind her.[268]Gammer.Nay, nay, cham sure she lost not all, for set them to the beginning,And ich doubt not, but he will make small boast of her winning.

Gammer.Dame Chat, ch' ould pray thee fair, let me have that is mine,Chill not these twenty years take one fart that is thine;Therefore give me mine own, and let me live beside thee—

Gammer.Dame Chat, ch' ould pray thee fair, let me have that is mine,

Chill not these twenty years take one fart that is thine;

Therefore give me mine own, and let me live beside thee—

Chat.Why art thou crept from home hither to mine own doors to chide me?Hence, doating drab, avaunt, or I shall set thee further.Intends thou and this knave me in my house to murther?

Chat.Why art thou crept from home hither to mine own doors to chide me?

Hence, doating drab, avaunt, or I shall set thee further.

Intends thou and this knave me in my house to murther?

Gammer.Tush! gape not so on[250]me, woman: shalt not yet eat me,Nor all the friends thou hast in this shall not entreat me;Mine own goods I will have, and ask thee no[251]by'r leave:What, woman, poor folks must have right, though the thing you aggrieve.

Gammer.Tush! gape not so on[250]me, woman: shalt not yet eat me,

Nor all the friends thou hast in this shall not entreat me;

Mine own goods I will have, and ask thee no[251]by'r leave:

What, woman, poor folks must have right, though the thing you aggrieve.

Chat.Give thee thy right, and hang thee up, with all thy beggar's brood!What, wilt thou make me a thief, and say I stole thy good?

Chat.Give thee thy right, and hang thee up, with all thy beggar's brood!

What, wilt thou make me a thief, and say I stole thy good?

Gammer.Chill say nothing (ich warrant thee), but that ich can prove it well,Thou fet my good even from my door, cham able this to tell.

Gammer.Chill say nothing (ich warrant thee), but that ich can prove it well,

Thou fet my good even from my door, cham able this to tell.

Chat.Did I (old witch) steal ought was thine? how should that thing be known?

Gammer.Ich cannot tell, but up thou tookest it, as though it had been thine own.

Chat.Marry, fie on thee, thou old gib, with all my very heart.

Gammer.Nay, fie on thee, thou ramp,[252]thou rig,[253]with all that take thy part.

Chat.A vengeance on those lips that layeth such things to my charge.

Gammer.A vengeance on those callet's hips, whose conscience is so large.

Chat.Come out, hog.

Gammer.Come out, hog, and let have me right.

Chat.Thou arrant witch.

Gammer.Thou bawdy bitch, chill make thee curse this night.

Chat. A bag and a wallet![254]

Gammer.A cart for a callet!

Chat.Why, weenest[255]thou thus to prevail?I hold thee a groat,I shall patch thy coat.

Chat.Why, weenest[255]thou thus to prevail?

I hold thee a groat,

I shall patch thy coat.

Gammer.Thou wert as good kiss my tail;Thou slut, thou cut,[256]thou rakes, thou jakes, will not shame make thee hide thee?[257]

Gammer.Thou wert as good kiss my tail;

Thou slut, thou cut,[256]thou rakes, thou jakes, will not shame make thee hide thee?[257]

Chat.Thou skald, thou bald, thou rotten,[258]thou glutton, I will no longer chide thee;But I will teach thee to keep home.

Chat.Thou skald, thou bald, thou rotten,[258]thou glutton, I will no longer chide thee;

But I will teach thee to keep home.

Gammer.Wilt thou, drunken beast?[They fight.

Hodge.Stick to her, gammer, take her by the head, chill warrant you this feast.Smite, I say, gammer,Bite, I say, gammer;I trow ye will be keen;Where be your nails? claw her by the jaws, pull me out both her eyen.Gog's bones, gammer, hold up your head.

Hodge.Stick to her, gammer, take her by the head, chill warrant you this feast.

Smite, I say, gammer,

Bite, I say, gammer;

I trow ye will be keen;

Where be your nails? claw her by the jaws, pull me out both her eyen.

Gog's bones, gammer, hold up your head.

Chat.I trow, drab, I shall dress thee.Tarry, thou knave, I hold thee a groat, I shall make these hands bless thee.

Chat.I trow, drab, I shall dress thee.

Tarry, thou knave, I hold thee a groat, I shall make these hands bless thee.

[Gurton.] Take thou this, old whore, for amends, and learn thy tongue well to tame,And say thou met at this bickering, not thy fellow,[259]but thy dame.

[Gurton.] Take thou this, old whore, for amends, and learn thy tongue well to tame,

And say thou met at this bickering, not thy fellow,[259]but thy dame.

Hodge.Where is the strong stewed whore?[260]chill gi 'r a whore's mark.Stand out one's way, that ich kill none in the dark.Up, gammer, and ye be alive, chill fight[261]now for us both;Come no near me, thou scald callet, to kill thee ich were loth.

Hodge.Where is the strong stewed whore?[260]chill gi 'r a whore's mark.

Stand out one's way, that ich kill none in the dark.

Up, gammer, and ye be alive, chill fight[261]now for us both;

Come no near me, thou scald callet, to kill thee ich were loth.

Chat.Art here again, thou hoddypeke?[262]what, Doll, bring me out my spit.

Hodge.Chill broach thee with this, by m' father's soul, chill conjure that foul spreet.Let door stand, Cock, why com'st indeed? keep door, thou whoreson boy.

Hodge.Chill broach thee with this, by m' father's soul, chill conjure that foul spreet.

Let door stand, Cock, why com'st indeed? keep door, thou whoreson boy.

Chat[to Doll.]Stand to it, thou dastard, for thine ears; ise teach the sluttish toy.

Hodge.Gog's wounds, whore, chill make thee avaunt,Take heed, Cock, pull in the latch.

Hodge.Gog's wounds, whore, chill make thee avaunt,

Take heed, Cock, pull in the latch.

Chat.I' faith, sir loose-breech, had ye tarried, ye should have found your match.

Gammer.Now 'ware thy throat, losel,[263]thou'se pay for all.

Hodge.Well said, gammer, by my soul.Hoise her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, pull her throat-hole.

Hodge.Well said, gammer, by my soul.

Hoise her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, pull her throat-hole.

Chat.Com'st behind me, thou withered witch? and I get once on foot,Thou'se pay for all, thou old tar-leather, I'll teach thee what longs to 't.Take thee this to make up thy mouth, till time thou come by more.

Chat.Com'st behind me, thou withered witch? and I get once on foot,

Thou'se pay for all, thou old tar-leather, I'll teach thee what longs to 't.

Take thee this to make up thy mouth, till time thou come by more.

Hodge.Up, gammer, stand on your feet, where is the old whore?Faith, would chad her by the face, chould crack her callet crown.

Hodge.Up, gammer, stand on your feet, where is the old whore?

Faith, would chad her by the face, chould crack her callet crown.

Gammer.Ah, Hodge, Hodge, where was thy help, when th' vixen had me down!

Hodge.By the mass, Gammer, but for my staff, Chat had gone nigh to spill you.Ich think the harlot had not cared, and chad not come, to kill you.But shall we lose our nee'le thus?

Hodge.By the mass, Gammer, but for my staff, Chat had gone nigh to spill you.

Ich think the harlot had not cared, and chad not come, to kill you.

But shall we lose our nee'le thus?

Gammer.No, Hodge, ich were loth to do so.Thinkest thou chill take that at her hand? no, Hodge, ich tell thee no.

Gammer.No, Hodge, ich were loth to do so.

Thinkest thou chill take that at her hand? no, Hodge, ich tell thee no.

Hodge.Chould yet this fray were well take up, and our own nee'le at home,'Twill be my chance else some to kill, wherever it be or whom.

Hodge.Chould yet this fray were well take up, and our own nee'le at home,

'Twill be my chance else some to kill, wherever it be or whom.

Gammer.We have a parson (Hodge, thou knows), a man esteemed wise,Mast Doctor Rat, chill for him send, and let me hear his advice.He will her shrive[264]for all this gear, and give her penance straight.Wese have our nee'le, else dame Chat comes ne'er within heaven-gate.

Gammer.We have a parson (Hodge, thou knows), a man esteemed wise,

Mast Doctor Rat, chill for him send, and let me hear his advice.

He will her shrive[264]for all this gear, and give her penance straight.

Wese have our nee'le, else dame Chat comes ne'er within heaven-gate.

Hodge.Yea marry, gammer, that ich think best: will you now for him send?The sooner Doctor Rat be here, the sooner wese ha' an end.And here, gammer, Diccon's devil (as ich remember well)Of Cat and Chat, and Doctor Rat, a felonious tale did tell,Chold you forty pound, that is the way your nee'le to get again.

Hodge.Yea marry, gammer, that ich think best: will you now for him send?

The sooner Doctor Rat be here, the sooner wese ha' an end.

And here, gammer, Diccon's devil (as ich remember well)

Of Cat and Chat, and Doctor Rat, a felonious tale did tell,

Chold you forty pound, that is the way your nee'le to get again.

Gammer.Chill ha' him straight; call out the boy, wese make him take the pain.

Hodge.What, Cock, I say, come out; what devil, can'st not hear?

Cock.[265]How now, Hodge, how does gammer? is yet the weather clear?What would chave me to do?

Cock.[265]How now, Hodge, how does gammer? is yet the weather clear?

What would chave me to do?

Gammer.Come hither, Cock, anon.Hence swith to Doctor Rat hie thee, that thou were gone,And pray him come speak with me, cham not well at ease:Shalt have him at his chamber, or else at Mother Bee's,Else seek him at Hob Filcher's shop; for, as cheard it reported,There is the best ale in all the town, and now is most resorted.

Gammer.Come hither, Cock, anon.

Hence swith to Doctor Rat hie thee, that thou were gone,

And pray him come speak with me, cham not well at ease:

Shalt have him at his chamber, or else at Mother Bee's,

Else seek him at Hob Filcher's shop; for, as cheard it reported,

There is the best ale in all the town, and now is most resorted.

Cock.And shall ich bring him with me, gammer?

Gammer.Yea, by and by, good Cock.

Cock.[266]Shalt see that shall be here anon, else let me have on the dock.

Hodge.Now, gammer, shall we two go in, and tarry for his coming?What devil, woman, pluck up your heart, and leave off all this glooming.[267]Though she were stronger at the first, as ich think ye did find her.Yet there ye dress'd the drunken sow, what time ye came behind her.[268]

Hodge.Now, gammer, shall we two go in, and tarry for his coming?

What devil, woman, pluck up your heart, and leave off all this glooming.[267]

Though she were stronger at the first, as ich think ye did find her.

Yet there ye dress'd the drunken sow, what time ye came behind her.[268]

Gammer.Nay, nay, cham sure she lost not all, for set them to the beginning,And ich doubt not, but he will make small boast of her winning.

Gammer.Nay, nay, cham sure she lost not all, for set them to the beginning,

And ich doubt not, but he will make small boast of her winning.

THE THIRD ACT.

THE FOURTH SCENE.

Tib, Hodge, Gammer, Cock.

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