ACT IV., SCENE I.

EnterSue,Tim,Captain, andMistress Coote.

Tim.Ha, ha, ha, grandmother! I'll tell thee the best jest.Sue.Prythee, chick.Mis. Coote.Jest, quotha'! Here will be jesting of all sides, I think, if Jarvis keep his word.Tim.Sirrah, whilst thou wert sent for into the next room, up came our second course; amongst others, in a dish of blackbirds, there lay one that I swore was a woodcock: you were at table, captain?Capt.That I was, and our brave mad crew, which for my sake you are pleased to make welcome.Tim.Pish, we'll have as many more to-morrow night; but still I swore 'twas a woodcock: she swore 'twas a blackbird; now who shall we be tried by but Serjeant Sliceman, Captain Carvegut's cousin here? a trifling wager, a matter of the reckoning was laid; the serjeant swore 'twas a blackbird. I presently paid the reckoning, and she clapped o' the breast presently, and swore 'twas a woodcock, as if any other would pass after the reckoning was paid.Mis. Coote.This was a pretty one, I protest.Tim.Made sure before such a mad crew of witnesses, sirrah. Grannum, all's agreed, Sue's——Sue.Ay, you may see how you men can betray poor maids.

Tim.Ha, ha, ha, grandmother! I'll tell thee the best jest.

Sue.Prythee, chick.

Mis. Coote.Jest, quotha'! Here will be jesting of all sides, I think, if Jarvis keep his word.

Tim.Sirrah, whilst thou wert sent for into the next room, up came our second course; amongst others, in a dish of blackbirds, there lay one that I swore was a woodcock: you were at table, captain?

Capt.That I was, and our brave mad crew, which for my sake you are pleased to make welcome.

Tim.Pish, we'll have as many more to-morrow night; but still I swore 'twas a woodcock: she swore 'twas a blackbird; now who shall we be tried by but Serjeant Sliceman, Captain Carvegut's cousin here? a trifling wager, a matter of the reckoning was laid; the serjeant swore 'twas a blackbird. I presently paid the reckoning, and she clapped o' the breast presently, and swore 'twas a woodcock, as if any other would pass after the reckoning was paid.

Mis. Coote.This was a pretty one, I protest.

Tim.Made sure before such a mad crew of witnesses, sirrah. Grannum, all's agreed, Sue's——

Sue.Ay, you may see how you men can betray poor maids.

EnterLieutenant.

Lieut.Do you hear, corporal? yonder's Serjeant Sliceman, and the brave crew that supped with us, have called for three or four gallons of wine, and are offering money.Tim.How! prythee, grannum, look to Dab: do you two but hold them in talk, whilst I steal down and pay the reckoning.Lieut.Do't daintily: they'll stay all night.Tim.That's it I would have, man: we'll make them all drunk; they'll never leave us else, and still as it comes to a crown, I'll steal down and pay it in spite of their teeth. Remember, therefore, that ye make them all drunk; but be sure you keep me sober to pay the reckonings.Omnes.Agreed, agreed.Mis. Coote.O Jarvis, Jarvis, how I long till I see thee![Exeunt.

Lieut.Do you hear, corporal? yonder's Serjeant Sliceman, and the brave crew that supped with us, have called for three or four gallons of wine, and are offering money.

Tim.How! prythee, grannum, look to Dab: do you two but hold them in talk, whilst I steal down and pay the reckoning.

Lieut.Do't daintily: they'll stay all night.

Tim.That's it I would have, man: we'll make them all drunk; they'll never leave us else, and still as it comes to a crown, I'll steal down and pay it in spite of their teeth. Remember, therefore, that ye make them all drunk; but be sure you keep me sober to pay the reckonings.

Omnes.Agreed, agreed.

Mis. Coote.O Jarvis, Jarvis, how I long till I see thee![Exeunt.

EnterMoll Bloodhound, andSimwith a letter.

Moll.There we must meet soon, and be married to-morrow morning, Sim: is't not a mad brother?Sim.Yes, and I can tell you news of a mad lover.Moll.What is he, in the name of Cupid?Sim.Why, one Master Randalls, a Welshman: I have had such a fit with him; he says he was wished[87]to a very wealthy widow; but of you he has heard such histories, that he will marry you, though he never saw you; and that the parboiled Ætna of his bosom might be quenched by the consequent pastime in the Prittish flames of his Prittish plood, he salutes you with that love-letter.Moll.This is a mad lover, indeed; prythee, read it.Sim.Mass, h' has writ it in the Welsh-English; we had been spoiled else for want of an interpreter. But thus he begins:—Mistress Maries—Moll.He makes two Maries serve one mistress.Sim.Ever while you live, 'tis your first rule in Welsh grammars—[88]That hur forsake widows, and take maids, was no great wonder, for sentlemen ever love the first cut.Moll.But not o' th' coxcomb; he should have put in that.Sim.The coxcomb follows by consequence, mark else.I Randall Crack, of Carmarden, do love thee Mary Ploodhounds, of Houndsditch, dwelling near Aldgate, and Pishop's-gate, just as between hawk and buzzard.Moll.He makes an indifferent wooing.Sim.And that hur loves Maries so monstrous, yet never saw her, was because hur hear hur in all societies so fery fillanously commended, but specially before one Master Pusy, constables of hur parish, who made hurself half foxed by swearing by the wines, that Maries would be monstrous good marriages for Randalls.Moll.Master Busy, it seems, was not idle.Sim.If Maries can love a Pritain of the plood of Cadwallader, which Cadwallader was Prut's great grandfather, Randalls was come in proper persons, pring round sillings in hur pockets, get father's goodwill, and go to shurch a Sunday with a whole dozen of Welsh harps before hur. So hur rest hur constant lovers,

Moll.There we must meet soon, and be married to-morrow morning, Sim: is't not a mad brother?

Sim.Yes, and I can tell you news of a mad lover.

Moll.What is he, in the name of Cupid?

Sim.Why, one Master Randalls, a Welshman: I have had such a fit with him; he says he was wished[87]to a very wealthy widow; but of you he has heard such histories, that he will marry you, though he never saw you; and that the parboiled Ætna of his bosom might be quenched by the consequent pastime in the Prittish flames of his Prittish plood, he salutes you with that love-letter.

Moll.This is a mad lover, indeed; prythee, read it.

Sim.Mass, h' has writ it in the Welsh-English; we had been spoiled else for want of an interpreter. But thus he begins:—Mistress Maries—

Moll.He makes two Maries serve one mistress.

Sim.Ever while you live, 'tis your first rule in Welsh grammars—[88]

That hur forsake widows, and take maids, was no great wonder, for sentlemen ever love the first cut.

Moll.But not o' th' coxcomb; he should have put in that.

Sim.The coxcomb follows by consequence, mark else.

I Randall Crack, of Carmarden, do love thee Mary Ploodhounds, of Houndsditch, dwelling near Aldgate, and Pishop's-gate, just as between hawk and buzzard.

Moll.He makes an indifferent wooing.

Sim.And that hur loves Maries so monstrous, yet never saw her, was because hur hear hur in all societies so fery fillanously commended, but specially before one Master Pusy, constables of hur parish, who made hurself half foxed by swearing by the wines, that Maries would be monstrous good marriages for Randalls.

Moll.Master Busy, it seems, was not idle.

Sim.If Maries can love a Pritain of the plood of Cadwallader, which Cadwallader was Prut's great grandfather, Randalls was come in proper persons, pring round sillings in hur pockets, get father's goodwill, and go to shurch a Sunday with a whole dozen of Welsh harps before hur. So hur rest hur constant lovers,

Randall William ap Thomas, ap Tavy, ap Robert, ap Rice, ap Sheffery, Crack.

Moll.Fie! what shall I do with all them?Sim.Why, he said these all rest your constant lovers, whereof, for manners'-sake, he puts himself in the first place. He will call here presently; will you answer him by letter or word of mouth?Moll.Troth, neither of either, so let him understand.Sim.Will ye not answer the love-sick gentleman?Moll.If he be sick with the love of me, prythee, tell him I cannot endure him: let him make a virtue of necessity, and apply my hate for's health.[Exit.Sim.Ay, but I'll have more care of the gentleman, I warrant you: if I do not make myself merry, and startle your midnight meeting, say Sim has no more wit than his godfathers, and they were both head-men of his parish.

Moll.Fie! what shall I do with all them?

Sim.Why, he said these all rest your constant lovers, whereof, for manners'-sake, he puts himself in the first place. He will call here presently; will you answer him by letter or word of mouth?

Moll.Troth, neither of either, so let him understand.

Sim.Will ye not answer the love-sick gentleman?

Moll.If he be sick with the love of me, prythee, tell him I cannot endure him: let him make a virtue of necessity, and apply my hate for's health.[Exit.

Sim.Ay, but I'll have more care of the gentleman, I warrant you: if I do not make myself merry, and startle your midnight meeting, say Sim has no more wit than his godfathers, and they were both head-men of his parish.

EnterRandall.

Ran.Farewell widows prave, her sall no Randalls have.Widows was very full of wiles;Mary Ploodhounds now, Randalls make a vow,Was run for Moll a couple of miles.

Ran.

Farewell widows prave, her sall no Randalls have.Widows was very full of wiles;Mary Ploodhounds now, Randalls make a vow,Was run for Moll a couple of miles.

Honest Simkins, what said Maries to Randall's letters?Sim.You're a madman.Ran.Augh, hur was very glad hur was mad.Sim.The old man has money enough for her; and if you marry her, as, if her project take, you may, she'll make you more than a man.Ran.More than mans! what's that?Sim.Troth, cannot you tell that? this is the truth on't; she would be married to-morrow to one Ancient Young, a fellow she cannot endure: now, she says, if you could meet her privately to-night, between ten and eleven, just at the great cross-way by the Nag's Head tavern at Leadenhall.Ran.Was high-high pump, there, as her turn in Graces Street?Sim.There's the very place. Now, because you come the welcomest man in the world to hinder the match against her mind with the Ancient, there she will meet you, go with you to your lodging, lie there all night, and be married to you i' th' morning at the Tower, as soon as you shall please.Ran.By cat, hur will go and prepare priests presently. Look you, Simkins, there is a great deal of round sillings for hur, hur was very lucky sillings, for came to Randalls shust for all the world as fortune was come to fool: tell Maries hurwill meet hur, hur warrant hur; make many puppy fools of Ancients, and love her very monstrously.[Exit.Sim.Ha, ha, ha! so, so; this midnight match shall be mine; she told me she was to meet the Ancient there. I'll be sure the Ancient shall meet him there; so I shall lie abed and laugh, to think, if he meet her there, how she will be startled; and if the Ancient meet him there, how he will be cudgelled. Beware your ribs, Master Randall.[Exit.

Honest Simkins, what said Maries to Randall's letters?

Sim.You're a madman.

Ran.Augh, hur was very glad hur was mad.

Sim.The old man has money enough for her; and if you marry her, as, if her project take, you may, she'll make you more than a man.

Ran.More than mans! what's that?

Sim.Troth, cannot you tell that? this is the truth on't; she would be married to-morrow to one Ancient Young, a fellow she cannot endure: now, she says, if you could meet her privately to-night, between ten and eleven, just at the great cross-way by the Nag's Head tavern at Leadenhall.

Ran.Was high-high pump, there, as her turn in Graces Street?

Sim.There's the very place. Now, because you come the welcomest man in the world to hinder the match against her mind with the Ancient, there she will meet you, go with you to your lodging, lie there all night, and be married to you i' th' morning at the Tower, as soon as you shall please.

Ran.By cat, hur will go and prepare priests presently. Look you, Simkins, there is a great deal of round sillings for hur, hur was very lucky sillings, for came to Randalls shust for all the world as fortune was come to fool: tell Maries hurwill meet hur, hur warrant hur; make many puppy fools of Ancients, and love her very monstrously.[Exit.

Sim.Ha, ha, ha! so, so; this midnight match shall be mine; she told me she was to meet the Ancient there. I'll be sure the Ancient shall meet him there; so I shall lie abed and laugh, to think, if he meet her there, how she will be startled; and if the Ancient meet him there, how he will be cudgelled. Beware your ribs, Master Randall.[Exit.

EnterOld Bloodhound.

Blood.I wonder where this young rogue spends the day. I hear he has received my hundred marks and my advantage with it; and, it may be, he went home since I went out. Jarvis was with me but even now, and bid me watch, and narrowly, for fear of some of my rival spies, for I know she has many wealthy suitors. All love money. This Jarvis is most neat in a love business, and, when we are married (because many mouths, much meat), I will requite his courtesy, and turn him away: the widow's all I look for. Nay, let her fling to see I have her possessions; there's a saw for't—

There's thriving in wiving: for when we buryWives by half-dozens, the money makes merry.O money, money, money! I will build theeAn altar on my heart, and offer theeMy morning longings and my evening wishes,And, hadst thou life, kill thee with covetous kisses.

There's thriving in wiving: for when we buryWives by half-dozens, the money makes merry.

O money, money, money! I will build theeAn altar on my heart, and offer theeMy morning longings and my evening wishes,And, hadst thou life, kill thee with covetous kisses.

EnterJohnandJarvis.

John.But now, and she speak, she spoils all; or if he call her by my mistress's name, hast thounot tricks to enjoin them both to silence, till they come sure?Jar.Phaw! that's a stale one: she shall speak to him in her own accent; he shall call her by her own name, leaving out the bawd, yet she shall violently believe he loves her, and he shall confidently believe the same which he requires, and she but presents. Fall off; she comes.

John.But now, and she speak, she spoils all; or if he call her by my mistress's name, hast thounot tricks to enjoin them both to silence, till they come sure?

Jar.Phaw! that's a stale one: she shall speak to him in her own accent; he shall call her by her own name, leaving out the bawd, yet she shall violently believe he loves her, and he shall confidently believe the same which he requires, and she but presents. Fall off; she comes.

EnterMistress Coote.

Mis. Coote.Jarvis!Jar.Here I have discovered him; 'tis he, by his coughs. Remember your instructions, and use few words; say, though till night you knew it not, you will be married early in the morning, to prevent a vintner's widow that lays claim to him.Blood.Jarvis!Jar.Good old man, I know him by his tongue.Blood.Is she come? Is she come, Jarvis?Jar.Ask her if she would live, sir. She walks aloof yonder.Blood.We shall cosen all her wooers.Jar.Nay, amongst all of you, we'll cosen one great one, that had laid a pernicious plot this night, with a cluster of his roaring friends, to surprise her, carry her down to the waterside, pop her in at Puddle-dock,[89]and carry her to Gravesend in a pair of oars.Blood.What, what is his name, I prythee?Jar.He's a knight abounding in deeds of charity; his name Sir Nicholas Nemo.Blood.And would he pop her in at Puddle-dock?Jar.And he could but get her down there.Blood.By my troth, we shall pop him fairly. Where is she? where is she?Jar.Ha! do you not perceive a fellow walk up and down muffled yonder?Blood.There is something walks.Jar.That fellow has dogged us all the way, and I fear all is frustrate.Blood.Not, I hope, man.Mis. Coote.This it is to be in love; if I do not dwindle——Jar.I know him now.Blood.'Tis none of Sir Nicholas' spies, is't?Jar.He serves him.Blood.He wonnot murder me, will he?Jar.He shall not touch you: only, I remember, this afternoon this fellow, by what he had gathered by eavesdropping, or by frequent observation, asked me privately if there were no meeting betwixt you and my mistress to-night in this place, for a widow, he said, he knew you were to meet.Blood.Good.Jar.Now I handsomely threw dust in's eyes, and yet kept the plot swift afoot too. I told him you were here to meet a widow too, whom you long loved, but would not let her know't till this afternoon, naming to him one of my aunts[90], a widow by Fleet-ditch. Her name is Mistress Gray, and keeps divers gentlewomen lodgers.Blood.Good again.Jar.To turn the scent then, and to cheat inquisition the more ingeniously——Blood.And to bob Sir Nicholas most neatly.Jar.Be sure, all this night, in the hearing of any that you shall but suspect to be within hearing, to call her nothing but Mistress Coote.Blood.Or Widow Coote.Jar.Yes, you may put her in so; but be sure you cohere in every particle with the precedent fallacy, as that you have loved her long, though till this day—and so as I did demonstrate.Blood.But how an' she should say she is not Widow Coote, and that she knows no such woman, and so spoil all?Jar.Trust that with her wit and my instructions. We suspected a spy, and therefore she will change her voice.Blood.Thou hast a delicate mistress of her.Jar.One thing more, and you meet presently. Mine aunt has had nine husbands; tell her you'll hazard a limb, and make the tenth.Blood.Prythee, let me alone; and Sir Nicholas were here himself, he should swear 'twere thine aunt.Jar.[ToMistress Coote.] Go forwards towards him; be not too full of prattle, but make use of your instructions.Blood.Who's there? Widow Coote?Mis. Coote.Master Bloodhound, as I take it.Blood.She changes her voice bravely. I must tell thee, true widow, I have loved thee a long time (look how the rogue looks!), but had never the wit to let thee know it till to-day.Mis. Coote.So I was given to understand, sir.Jar.Is't not a fool finely?[Aside.John.Handsome, by this hand.Blood.I like thy dwelling well upon the Fleet-ditch.Mis. Coote.A pretty wholesome air, sir, in the summer-time.Blood.Who would think 'twere she, Jarvis?[Aside.Jar.I told ye she was tutored.[Aside.Blood.I'll home with her presently; some stays up in the dark.Jar.Fool! and he have any private discourse with her, they discover themselves one to another, and so spoil the plot. No trick! no, by no means, sir, hazard your person with her; the bold rogue may come up close, so discover her to be my mistress, and recover her with much danger to you.Blood.He has got a dagger.Jar.And a sword six foot in length. I'll carry her home for you, therefore [let] not a light be stirring. For I know your rivals will watch your house. Sim shall show us the chamber, we'll conduct her up i' th' dark, shut the door to her above, and presently come down and let you in below.Blood.There was never such a Jarvis heard of. Bid Sim to be careful; by the same token, I told him he should feed to-morrow for all the week after. Good night, Widow Coote; my man stayeth up; we will bob Sir Nicholas bravely. Good night, sweet Widow Coote; I do but seem to part; we'll meet at home, wench.[Exit.Mis. Coote.Adieu, my sweet dear heart.

Mis. Coote.Jarvis!

Jar.Here I have discovered him; 'tis he, by his coughs. Remember your instructions, and use few words; say, though till night you knew it not, you will be married early in the morning, to prevent a vintner's widow that lays claim to him.

Blood.Jarvis!

Jar.Good old man, I know him by his tongue.

Blood.Is she come? Is she come, Jarvis?

Jar.Ask her if she would live, sir. She walks aloof yonder.

Blood.We shall cosen all her wooers.

Jar.Nay, amongst all of you, we'll cosen one great one, that had laid a pernicious plot this night, with a cluster of his roaring friends, to surprise her, carry her down to the waterside, pop her in at Puddle-dock,[89]and carry her to Gravesend in a pair of oars.

Blood.What, what is his name, I prythee?

Jar.He's a knight abounding in deeds of charity; his name Sir Nicholas Nemo.

Blood.And would he pop her in at Puddle-dock?

Jar.And he could but get her down there.

Blood.By my troth, we shall pop him fairly. Where is she? where is she?

Jar.Ha! do you not perceive a fellow walk up and down muffled yonder?

Blood.There is something walks.

Jar.That fellow has dogged us all the way, and I fear all is frustrate.

Blood.Not, I hope, man.

Mis. Coote.This it is to be in love; if I do not dwindle——

Jar.I know him now.

Blood.'Tis none of Sir Nicholas' spies, is't?

Jar.He serves him.

Blood.He wonnot murder me, will he?

Jar.He shall not touch you: only, I remember, this afternoon this fellow, by what he had gathered by eavesdropping, or by frequent observation, asked me privately if there were no meeting betwixt you and my mistress to-night in this place, for a widow, he said, he knew you were to meet.

Blood.Good.

Jar.Now I handsomely threw dust in's eyes, and yet kept the plot swift afoot too. I told him you were here to meet a widow too, whom you long loved, but would not let her know't till this afternoon, naming to him one of my aunts[90], a widow by Fleet-ditch. Her name is Mistress Gray, and keeps divers gentlewomen lodgers.

Blood.Good again.

Jar.To turn the scent then, and to cheat inquisition the more ingeniously——

Blood.And to bob Sir Nicholas most neatly.

Jar.Be sure, all this night, in the hearing of any that you shall but suspect to be within hearing, to call her nothing but Mistress Coote.

Blood.Or Widow Coote.

Jar.Yes, you may put her in so; but be sure you cohere in every particle with the precedent fallacy, as that you have loved her long, though till this day—and so as I did demonstrate.

Blood.But how an' she should say she is not Widow Coote, and that she knows no such woman, and so spoil all?

Jar.Trust that with her wit and my instructions. We suspected a spy, and therefore she will change her voice.

Blood.Thou hast a delicate mistress of her.

Jar.One thing more, and you meet presently. Mine aunt has had nine husbands; tell her you'll hazard a limb, and make the tenth.

Blood.Prythee, let me alone; and Sir Nicholas were here himself, he should swear 'twere thine aunt.

Jar.[ToMistress Coote.] Go forwards towards him; be not too full of prattle, but make use of your instructions.

Blood.Who's there? Widow Coote?

Mis. Coote.Master Bloodhound, as I take it.

Blood.She changes her voice bravely. I must tell thee, true widow, I have loved thee a long time (look how the rogue looks!), but had never the wit to let thee know it till to-day.

Mis. Coote.So I was given to understand, sir.

Jar.Is't not a fool finely?[Aside.

John.Handsome, by this hand.

Blood.I like thy dwelling well upon the Fleet-ditch.

Mis. Coote.A pretty wholesome air, sir, in the summer-time.

Blood.Who would think 'twere she, Jarvis?[Aside.

Jar.I told ye she was tutored.[Aside.

Blood.I'll home with her presently; some stays up in the dark.

Jar.Fool! and he have any private discourse with her, they discover themselves one to another, and so spoil the plot. No trick! no, by no means, sir, hazard your person with her; the bold rogue may come up close, so discover her to be my mistress, and recover her with much danger to you.

Blood.He has got a dagger.

Jar.And a sword six foot in length. I'll carry her home for you, therefore [let] not a light be stirring. For I know your rivals will watch your house. Sim shall show us the chamber, we'll conduct her up i' th' dark, shut the door to her above, and presently come down and let you in below.

Blood.There was never such a Jarvis heard of. Bid Sim to be careful; by the same token, I told him he should feed to-morrow for all the week after. Good night, Widow Coote; my man stayeth up; we will bob Sir Nicholas bravely. Good night, sweet Widow Coote; I do but seem to part; we'll meet at home, wench.[Exit.

Mis. Coote.Adieu, my sweet dear heart.

Jar.Go you with me. So, so, I'll cage this cuckoo,And then for my young madcap; if all hit right,This morning's mirth shall crown the craft o' th' night.Follow me warily.

Mis. Coote.I warrant thee, Jarvis, let me alone to right myself into the garb of a lady. O, strange! to see how dreams fall by contraries; I shall be coached to-morrow, and yet last night dreamed I was carted. Prythee, keep a little state; go, Jarvis.[Exeunt.

EnterRandall. [Midnight.]

Ran.Was fery exceeding dark, but here is high pumps, sure, here is two couple of cross-ways, and there was the street where Grace dwells. One hundred pound in mornings in round shillings, and wife worth one thousand, ere hur go to bed. Randall's fortunes comes tumbling in like lawyers' fees, huddle upon huddle.

EnterMoll.

Moll.O sweet Ancient, keep thy word and win my heart. They say a moonshine night is good to run away with another man's wife; but I am sure a dark night is best to steal away my father's daughter.Ran.Mary.Moll.O, are you come, sir? there's a box of land and livings, I know not what you call it.Ran.Lands and livings?Moll.Nay, nay; and we talk, we are undone. Do you not see the watch coming up Gracious Street yonder? This cross-way was the worst place we could have met at; but that is yours, and I am yours; but, good sir, do not blame me, that I so suddenly yielded to your love; alas! you know what a match on't I should have to-morrow else.Ran.Hur means the scurvy Ancient.[Aside.Moll.I' th' morning we shall be man and wife, and then—Alas, I am undone! the watch arehard upon us: go you back through Cornhill, I'll run round about the 'Change by the Church Corner, down Cateaton Street, and meet you at Bartholomew Lane end.[Exit.Ran.Cat's Street was call hur? sure, Randalls was wrapped in['s][91]mother's smock.

Moll.O sweet Ancient, keep thy word and win my heart. They say a moonshine night is good to run away with another man's wife; but I am sure a dark night is best to steal away my father's daughter.

Ran.Mary.

Moll.O, are you come, sir? there's a box of land and livings, I know not what you call it.

Ran.Lands and livings?

Moll.Nay, nay; and we talk, we are undone. Do you not see the watch coming up Gracious Street yonder? This cross-way was the worst place we could have met at; but that is yours, and I am yours; but, good sir, do not blame me, that I so suddenly yielded to your love; alas! you know what a match on't I should have to-morrow else.

Ran.Hur means the scurvy Ancient.[Aside.

Moll.I' th' morning we shall be man and wife, and then—Alas, I am undone! the watch arehard upon us: go you back through Cornhill, I'll run round about the 'Change by the Church Corner, down Cateaton Street, and meet you at Bartholomew Lane end.[Exit.

Ran.Cat's Street was call hur? sure, Randalls was wrapped in['s][91]mother's smock.

EnterConstableandWatch.

Con.Keep straight towards Bishopsgate: I'm deceived if I heard not somebody run that way.

EnterMaidwith a bandbox.[92]

Watch.Stay, sir; her's somebody come from Aldgate Ward?Maid.Alas! I shall be hanged for staying so long for this cuff.Watch.Come before the constable here.Maid.Let the constable come before me, and he please.Con.How now! where ha' you been, pray, dame, ha!Maid.For my mistress's ruff at her sempstress', sir; she must needs use it to-morrow, and that made me stay till it was done.Con.Pray, who's your mistress? where dwell you?Maid.With one Mistress Wag, in Blackfriars, next to the sign of the Feathers and the Fool, sir.Con.O, I know her very well; make hastehome; 'tis late. Come, come, let's back to Gracechurch; all's well, all's well.[Exeunt.

Watch.Stay, sir; her's somebody come from Aldgate Ward?

Maid.Alas! I shall be hanged for staying so long for this cuff.

Watch.Come before the constable here.

Maid.Let the constable come before me, and he please.

Con.How now! where ha' you been, pray, dame, ha!

Maid.For my mistress's ruff at her sempstress', sir; she must needs use it to-morrow, and that made me stay till it was done.

Con.Pray, who's your mistress? where dwell you?

Maid.With one Mistress Wag, in Blackfriars, next to the sign of the Feathers and the Fool, sir.

Con.O, I know her very well; make hastehome; 'tis late. Come, come, let's back to Gracechurch; all's well, all's well.[Exeunt.

Enter severally,AncientandMoll.

Anc.I 'scaped the watch at Bishopsgate with ease: there is somebody turning down the church corner towards the Exchange; it may be Mistress Mary.Moll.Ancient!Anc.Yes.Moll.Are you here again? you have nimbly followed me: what said the watch to you?Anc.I passed them easily; the gates are but now shut in.Moll.As we go, I'll tell thee such a tale of a Welsh wooer and a lamentable love-letter.Anc.Yes, Sim told me of such a rat, and where he lodges: I thought I should have met him here.Moll.Here? out upon him! But the watches walk their station, and in few words is safety. I hope you will play fair, and lodge me with the maid you told me of.Anc.She stays up for us, wench: in the word of a gentleman, all shall be fair and civil.Moll.I believe you.[Exeunt.

Anc.I 'scaped the watch at Bishopsgate with ease: there is somebody turning down the church corner towards the Exchange; it may be Mistress Mary.

Moll.Ancient!

Anc.Yes.

Moll.Are you here again? you have nimbly followed me: what said the watch to you?

Anc.I passed them easily; the gates are but now shut in.

Moll.As we go, I'll tell thee such a tale of a Welsh wooer and a lamentable love-letter.

Anc.Yes, Sim told me of such a rat, and where he lodges: I thought I should have met him here.

Moll.Here? out upon him! But the watches walk their station, and in few words is safety. I hope you will play fair, and lodge me with the maid you told me of.

Anc.She stays up for us, wench: in the word of a gentleman, all shall be fair and civil.

Moll.I believe you.[Exeunt.

Enter at several doors,RandallandMaid.

Ran.Sounds, was another fire-drake[93]walk in shange, we'll run pack; was Maries have saved her labours, and was come after Randalls. Maries, was Randall, that loves hur mightily Maries.Maid.Master Randall.Ran.How did watch let her go to Grace's Street?Maid.They knew me, and let me pass.Ran.Well now hur understands Maries loves Randalls so mighty deal.Maid.If John have not told him, I'll be hanged.[Aside.Ran.Maries shall go with Randalls to lodgings, and that hur father work no divorcements, he will lie with her all to-night, and marry her betimes next morning: meantime, hur will make lands and livings fast.Maid.How? father! this is a mistake sure; and, to fashion it fit for mine own following, I will both question and answer in ambiguities that if he snap me one way, I may make myself good i' th' other; and as he shall discover himself, I'll pursue the conceit accordingly. [Aside.] But will ye not deceive me? maids[94]are many men's almanacs; the dates of your desires out, we serve for nothing but to light tobacco.

Ran.Sounds, was another fire-drake[93]walk in shange, we'll run pack; was Maries have saved her labours, and was come after Randalls. Maries, was Randall, that loves hur mightily Maries.

Maid.Master Randall.

Ran.How did watch let her go to Grace's Street?

Maid.They knew me, and let me pass.

Ran.Well now hur understands Maries loves Randalls so mighty deal.

Maid.If John have not told him, I'll be hanged.[Aside.

Ran.Maries shall go with Randalls to lodgings, and that hur father work no divorcements, he will lie with her all to-night, and marry her betimes next morning: meantime, hur will make lands and livings fast.

Maid.How? father! this is a mistake sure; and, to fashion it fit for mine own following, I will both question and answer in ambiguities that if he snap me one way, I may make myself good i' th' other; and as he shall discover himself, I'll pursue the conceit accordingly. [Aside.] But will ye not deceive me? maids[94]are many men's almanacs; the dates of your desires out, we serve for nothing but to light tobacco.

Ran.If Randall false to Maries prove,Then let not Maries Randalls love:For Randalls was so true as Jove,And Maries was hur joy.If Randalls was not Pritain born,Let Maries Randalls prow adorn,And let her give a foul great hornTo Randalls.

Ran.

If Randall false to Maries prove,Then let not Maries Randalls love:For Randalls was so true as Jove,And Maries was hur joy.If Randalls was not Pritain born,Let Maries Randalls prow adorn,And let her give a foul great hornTo Randalls.

Hur will love hur creat deal of much, hur warrant hur.Maid.And 'tis but venturing a maidenhead; if the worst come to the worst, it may come back with advantage.[Exeunt.

Hur will love hur creat deal of much, hur warrant hur.

Maid.And 'tis but venturing a maidenhead; if the worst come to the worst, it may come back with advantage.[Exeunt.

Enter in her night-clothes, as going to bed,WidowandMaid.

Wid.Is not Mary come home yet?Maid.No, forsooth.Wid.'Tis a fine time of night, I shall thank her for't: 'tis past eleven, I am sure. Fetch the prayer-book lies within upon my bed.Maid.Yes, forsooth.[Exit.Wid.I wonder what this gentleman should be that catched me so like Jarvis: he said he has fitted old Bloodhound according to his quality; but I must not let him dally too long upon my daily company: lust is a hand-wolf, who with daily feeding, one time or other, takes a sudden start upon his benefactor.

Wid.Is not Mary come home yet?

Maid.No, forsooth.

Wid.'Tis a fine time of night, I shall thank her for't: 'tis past eleven, I am sure. Fetch the prayer-book lies within upon my bed.

Maid.Yes, forsooth.[Exit.

Wid.I wonder what this gentleman should be that catched me so like Jarvis: he said he has fitted old Bloodhound according to his quality; but I must not let him dally too long upon my daily company: lust is a hand-wolf, who with daily feeding, one time or other, takes a sudden start upon his benefactor.

EnterMaid.

Maid.O mistress, mistress!Wid.What's the matter, wench?Maid.A man, a man under your bed, mistress.Wid.A man! what man?Maid.A neat man, a proper man, a well-favoured man, a handsome man.Wid.Call up John: where's Jarvis?Maid.Alas! I had no power to speak; his very looks are able to make a woman stand as still as a miller's horse, when he's loading. O, he comes, he comes![Exit.

Maid.O mistress, mistress!

Wid.What's the matter, wench?

Maid.A man, a man under your bed, mistress.

Wid.A man! what man?

Maid.A neat man, a proper man, a well-favoured man, a handsome man.

Wid.Call up John: where's Jarvis?

Maid.Alas! I had no power to speak; his very looks are able to make a woman stand as still as a miller's horse, when he's loading. O, he comes, he comes![Exit.

EnterAlexander.

Wid.How came you hither, sir? how got you in?Alex.As citizens' wives do into masques, whether I would or no. Nay, nay, do not doubtthe discretion of my constitution: I have brought ne'er a groat in my bosom; and, by this hand, I lay under thy bed with a heart as honest and a blood as cold as had my sister lain at top. Will you have me yet?Wid.You're a very rude, uncivil fellow.Alex.Uncivil! and lay so tame while you set up your foot upon the bed to untie your shoe! such another word, I will uncivilise that injured civility which you so scurvily slander, and reward you with an undecency proportionable to your understandings. Will you have me? will you marry me?Wid.You! why, to-morrow morning I am to be married to your father.Alex.What, to sixty and I know not how many? that will lie by your side, and divide the hours with coughs, as cocks do the night by instinct of nature.Wid.And provide for his family all day.Alex.And only wish well to a fair wife all night.Wid.And keep's credit all day in all companies.Alex.And discredit himself all night in your company.Wid.Fie, fie! pray quit my house, sir.Alex.Yours? 'tis my house.Wid.Your house! since when?Alex.Even since I was begotten; I was born to't. I must have thee, and I will have thee; and this house is mine, and none of thine.

Wid.How came you hither, sir? how got you in?

Alex.As citizens' wives do into masques, whether I would or no. Nay, nay, do not doubtthe discretion of my constitution: I have brought ne'er a groat in my bosom; and, by this hand, I lay under thy bed with a heart as honest and a blood as cold as had my sister lain at top. Will you have me yet?

Wid.You're a very rude, uncivil fellow.

Alex.Uncivil! and lay so tame while you set up your foot upon the bed to untie your shoe! such another word, I will uncivilise that injured civility which you so scurvily slander, and reward you with an undecency proportionable to your understandings. Will you have me? will you marry me?

Wid.You! why, to-morrow morning I am to be married to your father.

Alex.What, to sixty and I know not how many? that will lie by your side, and divide the hours with coughs, as cocks do the night by instinct of nature.

Wid.And provide for his family all day.

Alex.And only wish well to a fair wife all night.

Wid.And keep's credit all day in all companies.

Alex.And discredit himself all night in your company.

Wid.Fie, fie! pray quit my house, sir.

Alex.Yours? 'tis my house.

Wid.Your house! since when?

Alex.Even since I was begotten; I was born to't. I must have thee, and I will have thee; and this house is mine, and none of thine.

EnterJarvis.

Jar.O mistress, the saddest accident i' th' street yonder.Wid.What accident, prythee?Jar.You must pardon my boldness in coming into your bed-chamber: there is a gentleman slain in a fray at the door yonder, and the people won't be persuaded but that he that did it took this house. There is a constable, churchwardens, and all the head-men of the parish be now searching; and they say they will come up hither to your bed-chamber, but they'll find him. I'll keep them down as long as I can; I can do no more than I can.[Exit.Wid.Are not you the murderer, sir?Alex.I ha' been under thy bed, by this hand, this three hours.Wid.Pray, get you down then: they will all come up, and find you here and all, and what will the parish think then? Pray get you down.Alex.No, no, no; I will not go down, now I think on't.[Makes himself unready.[95]Wid.Why, what do you mean; you will not be so uncivil to unbrace you here?Alex.By these buckles, I will, and what will they think on't——Wid.Alas! you will undo me.Alex.No, no, I will undo myself, look ye.Wid.Good sir.Alex.I will off with my doublet to my very shirt.Wid.Pray, sir, have more care of a woman's reputation.Alex.Have a care on't thyself, woman, and marry me then.[96]Wid.Should they come up and see this, what could they think, but that some foul, uncivil act of shame had this night stained my house? and as good marry him as my name lost for ever.[Aside.Alex.Will you have me, afore t'other sleeve goes off?Wid.Do, hang yourself; I will not have you—look, look, if he have not pulled it off quite: why, you wonnot pull off your boots too, will you?Alex.Breeches and all, by this flesh.Wid.What, and stand naked in a widow's chamber?Alex.As naked as Grantham steeple or the Strand May-pole, by this spur: and what your grave parishioners will think on't?Jar.Gentlemen, pray keep down.Wid.Alas! they are at the stairs' foot; for heaven's sake, sir!Alex.Will you have me?Wid.What shall I do? no.Alex.This is the last time of asking; they come up, and down go my breeches. Will you have me?Wid.Ay, ay, ay, alas! and your breeches go down, I am undone for ever.Alex.Why, then, kiss me upon't. And yet there's no cracking your credit: Jarvis, come in, Jarvis.

Jar.O mistress, the saddest accident i' th' street yonder.

Wid.What accident, prythee?

Jar.You must pardon my boldness in coming into your bed-chamber: there is a gentleman slain in a fray at the door yonder, and the people won't be persuaded but that he that did it took this house. There is a constable, churchwardens, and all the head-men of the parish be now searching; and they say they will come up hither to your bed-chamber, but they'll find him. I'll keep them down as long as I can; I can do no more than I can.[Exit.

Wid.Are not you the murderer, sir?

Alex.I ha' been under thy bed, by this hand, this three hours.

Wid.Pray, get you down then: they will all come up, and find you here and all, and what will the parish think then? Pray get you down.

Alex.No, no, no; I will not go down, now I think on't.[Makes himself unready.[95]

Wid.Why, what do you mean; you will not be so uncivil to unbrace you here?

Alex.By these buckles, I will, and what will they think on't——

Wid.Alas! you will undo me.

Alex.No, no, I will undo myself, look ye.

Wid.Good sir.

Alex.I will off with my doublet to my very shirt.

Wid.Pray, sir, have more care of a woman's reputation.

Alex.Have a care on't thyself, woman, and marry me then.[96]

Wid.Should they come up and see this, what could they think, but that some foul, uncivil act of shame had this night stained my house? and as good marry him as my name lost for ever.[Aside.

Alex.Will you have me, afore t'other sleeve goes off?

Wid.Do, hang yourself; I will not have you—look, look, if he have not pulled it off quite: why, you wonnot pull off your boots too, will you?

Alex.Breeches and all, by this flesh.

Wid.What, and stand naked in a widow's chamber?

Alex.As naked as Grantham steeple or the Strand May-pole, by this spur: and what your grave parishioners will think on't?

Jar.Gentlemen, pray keep down.

Wid.Alas! they are at the stairs' foot; for heaven's sake, sir!

Alex.Will you have me?

Wid.What shall I do? no.

Alex.This is the last time of asking; they come up, and down go my breeches. Will you have me?

Wid.Ay, ay, ay, alas! and your breeches go down, I am undone for ever.

Alex.Why, then, kiss me upon't. And yet there's no cracking your credit: Jarvis, come in, Jarvis.

EnterJarvis.

Jar.I have kept my promise, sir; you've catched the old one.Wid.How, catched? is there nobody below, then?Jar.Nobody but John, forsooth, recovering a tobacco snuff, that departed before supper.Wid.And did you promise this, sir?Jar.A woman cannot have a handsomer cloud than a hair-brained husband: I will be your coz, he shall be my cuckold.[Aside.Wid.I love you for your art.[Aside.Jar.Come, come, put on, sir; I've acquainted you both with your father's intended marriage. I' th' morning you shall certify him very early by letter the quality of your fortunes, and return to your obedience; and that you and your wife, still concealing the parties, will attend him to church. John and I'll be there early, as commanded by my mistress, to discharge our attendance: about goes the plot, out comes the project, and there's a wedding-dinner dressed to your hands.Alex.As pat as a fat heir to a lean shark; we shall hunger for't: honest Jarvis, I am thy bedfellow to-night, and to-morrow thy master.Wid.You're a fine man to use a woman thus.

Jar.I have kept my promise, sir; you've catched the old one.

Wid.How, catched? is there nobody below, then?

Jar.Nobody but John, forsooth, recovering a tobacco snuff, that departed before supper.

Wid.And did you promise this, sir?

Jar.A woman cannot have a handsomer cloud than a hair-brained husband: I will be your coz, he shall be my cuckold.[Aside.

Wid.I love you for your art.[Aside.

Jar.Come, come, put on, sir; I've acquainted you both with your father's intended marriage. I' th' morning you shall certify him very early by letter the quality of your fortunes, and return to your obedience; and that you and your wife, still concealing the parties, will attend him to church. John and I'll be there early, as commanded by my mistress, to discharge our attendance: about goes the plot, out comes the project, and there's a wedding-dinner dressed to your hands.

Alex.As pat as a fat heir to a lean shark; we shall hunger for't: honest Jarvis, I am thy bedfellow to-night, and to-morrow thy master.

Wid.You're a fine man to use a woman thus.

Alex.Pish! come, come.Fine men must use fine women thus, 'tis fit.Plain truth takes maids, widows are won with wit.

Jar.You shall wear horns with wisdom; that is in your pocket.[Exeunt.

FOOTNOTES:[87]i.e., Recommended.[88]Ever while you live, 'tis your first rule in We'sh grammars, which is clearly a reply to Moll's remark, has been hitherto very absurdly made a part of Randall's letter, which begins only atThat hur forsake, &c.[89]On the banks of the river Thames, formerly used for a laystall for the soil of the streets, and much frequented by barges and lighters for taking the same away; also for landing corn and other goods.—"Stowe's Survey," bk. iii., p. 229, vol. i edit 1720.[90][The cant meaning of aunt at that time wasprocuress. See Dyce's Middleton, i. 444. The word in this acceptation is not unusual.][91][See Hazlitt's "Proverbs," 1869, p. 149.To be wrapped in his mother's smockis a synonym for good fortune.][92]In the 4oit runsEnter Chambermaid, Hugh with a bandbox: probably Hugh, though he says nothing, carried the box for the maid. Mr. Reed made the change.—Collier.[93]See note to "The Miseries of Enforced Marriage," [ix. 572.][94][Old copy,many minds.][95]To make one's-selfunreadywas the common term for undressing. See several instances in Mr Steevens's note on the "First Part of King Henry VI.," act ii. sc. 1.[96]In the old copy, the dialogue is here confused, what is said by Alexander being given to the widow, and what is said by the widow to Jarvis.—Collier.

[87]i.e., Recommended.

[88]Ever while you live, 'tis your first rule in We'sh grammars, which is clearly a reply to Moll's remark, has been hitherto very absurdly made a part of Randall's letter, which begins only atThat hur forsake, &c.

[89]On the banks of the river Thames, formerly used for a laystall for the soil of the streets, and much frequented by barges and lighters for taking the same away; also for landing corn and other goods.—"Stowe's Survey," bk. iii., p. 229, vol. i edit 1720.

[90][The cant meaning of aunt at that time wasprocuress. See Dyce's Middleton, i. 444. The word in this acceptation is not unusual.]

[91][See Hazlitt's "Proverbs," 1869, p. 149.To be wrapped in his mother's smockis a synonym for good fortune.]

[92]In the 4oit runsEnter Chambermaid, Hugh with a bandbox: probably Hugh, though he says nothing, carried the box for the maid. Mr. Reed made the change.—Collier.

[93]See note to "The Miseries of Enforced Marriage," [ix. 572.]

[94][Old copy,many minds.]

[95]To make one's-selfunreadywas the common term for undressing. See several instances in Mr Steevens's note on the "First Part of King Henry VI.," act ii. sc. 1.

[96]In the old copy, the dialogue is here confused, what is said by Alexander being given to the widow, and what is said by the widow to Jarvis.—Collier.

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