Mock Turtle
Ah! Then yours wasn’t a really good school. Now atoursthey had at the end of the bill, French, music,and washing—extra.
Alice
You couldn’t have wanted it much; living at the bottom of the sea.
Mock Turtle
I couldn’t afford to learn it, I only took the regular course.
Alice
What was that?
Mock Turtle
Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different branches of Arithmetic—Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.
Alice
I never heard of Uglification. What is it?
Gryphon
Never heard of uglifying! You know what to beautify is, I suppose?
Alice
Yes, it means—to—make—anything—prettier.
Gryphon
Well then, if you don’t know what to uglify is, youarea simpleton.
Alice
What else had you to learn?
Mock Turtle
Well, there was Mystery; Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography, then Drawling—the Drawling-master was an old conger eel, that used to come once a week; whathetaught us was Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.
Alice
What wasthatlike?
Mock Turtle
Well, I can’t show it you, myself. I’m too stiff. And the Gryphon never learned it.
Gryphon
Hadn’t time; I went to the Classical master, though. He was an old crab,hewas.
Mock Turtle
I never went to him; he taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.
Gryphon
So he did, so he did.
Alice
And how many hours a day did you do lessons?
Mock Turtle
Ten hours the first day, nine the next, and so on.
Alice
What a curious plan!
Gryphon
That’s the reason they’re called lessons, because they lessen from day to day.
Alice
Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?
Mock Turtle
Of course it was.
Alice
And how did you manage on the twelfth?
Gryphon
That’s enough about lessons, tell her something about the games now.
[Mock Turtlesighs deeply, draws back of one flapper across his eyes. He looks atAliceand tries to speak but sobs choke his voice.]
Gryphon
[Punching him in the back.]
Same as if he had a bone in his throat.
Mock Turtle
[With tears running down his cheeks.]
You may not have lived much under the sea—
Alice
I haven’t.
Mock Turtle
And perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster.
Alice
I once tasted—no, never!
Mock Turtle
So you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is.
Alice
No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it?
Gryphon
Why, you first form into a line along the seashore.
Mock Turtle
Two lines; seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you’ve cleared all the jellyfish out of the way—
Gryphon
Thatgenerally takes some time.
Mock Turtle
You advance twice—
Gryphon
Each with a lobster as a partner.
Mock Turtle
Of course, advance twice, set to partners.
Gryphon
Change lobsters, and retire in same order.
Mock Turtle
Then you know, you throw the—
Gryphon
The lobsters!
Mock Turtle
As far out to sea as you can—
Gryphon
Swim after them!
Mock Turtle
Turn a somersault in the sea.
Gryphon
Change lobsters again!
Mock Turtle
Back to land again, and—that’s all the first figure.
Alice
It must be a very pretty dance.
Mock Turtle
Would you like to see a little of it?
Alice
Very much indeed.
Mock Turtle
Come, let’s try the first figure. We can do it without lobsters, you know; which shall sing?
Gryphon
Oh,yousing, I’ve forgotten the words.
[Creatures solemnly dance round and roundAlice,treading on her toes, waving fore-paws to mark time whileMock Turtlesings.]
First Verse“Will you walk a little faster!” said a whiting to a snail,“There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!They are waiting on the shingle—will you come and join the dance?Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?Second Verse“You can really have no notion how delightful it will beWhen they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!”But the snail replied, “Too far, too far!” and gave a look askance—Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.
[The creatures dance againstAlice,pushing her back and forth between them. She protests and finally escapes; they bump against each other.]
Alice
Thank you; it’s a very interesting dance to watch, and I do so like that curious song about the whiting.
Mock Turtle
Oh, as to the whiting, they—you’ve seen them, of course?
Alice
Yes, I’ve often seen them at din—
[Checks herself hastily.]
Mock Turtle
I don’t know where Din may be, but if you’ve seen them so often, of course you know what they’re like.
Alice
I believe so, they have their tails in their mouths—and they’re all over crumbs.
Mock Turtle
You’re wrong about the crumbs, crumbs would all wash off in the sea. But theyhavetheir tails in their mouths; and the reason is—
[Mock Turtleyawns and shuts his eyes.]
Tell her about the reason and all that.
Gryphon
The reason is, that theywouldgo with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails fast in their mouths. So they couldn’t get them out again. That’s all.
Alice
Thank you, it’s very interesting. I never knew so much about a whiting before.
Gryphon
I can tell you more than that, if you like. Do you know why it’s called a whiting?
Alice
I never thought about it. Why?
Gryphon
It does the boots and shoes.
Alice
Does the boots and shoes!
Gryphon
Why, what areyourshoes done with? I mean, what makes them so shiny?
Alice
They’re done with blacking, I believe.
Gryphon
Boots and shoes under the sea, are done with whiting. Now you know.
Alice
And what are they made of?
Gryphon
Soles and eels, of course; any shrimp could have told you that.
Alice
If I’d been the whiting, I’d have said to the porpoise, “Keep back, please; we don’t wantyouwith us.”
Mock Turtle
They were obliged to have him with them, no wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.
Alice
Wouldn’t it really?
Mock Turtle
Of course not; why if a fish came to me and told me he was going a journey, I should say, “With what porpoise?”
Alice
Don’t you mean purpose?
Mock Turtle
I mean what I say.
Gryphon
Shall we try another figure of the Lobster Quadrille? Or would you like the Mock Turtle to sing you a song?
Alice
Oh, a song please, if the Mock Turtle would be so kind.
Gryphon
Um! No accounting for tastes! Sing her “Turtle Soup,” will you, old fellow?
Mock Turtle
[Sighs deeply and sometimes choked with sobs, sings.]
“Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,Waiting in a hot tureen!Who for such dainties would not stoop?Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!Beau—ootiful Soo—op,Beau—ootiful Soo—oop,Soo—oop of the e-e-evening,Beautiful, beautiful Soup.”
White Rabbit
[Enters, stretching out a red and white checked sash with which he separatesAlicefrom the creatures.]
Check!
Mock Turtle
They won’t let her stay in our square.
White Rabbit
The Queen is coming this way.
Gryphon
She’ll chop our heads off. Come on, come on, let’s fly!
[TheMock TurtleandGryphongrabAliceand fly into the air.]
CURTAIN
[The Curtain rises to reveal small silhouettes of theGryphon,Mock Turtle,andAlicein an orange-colored moon far away in the sky. Down below theWhite Rabbitis shouting to them, “You’ll be safe in the March Hare’s garden.”]
CURTAIN
SCENE
The March Hare’s garden, showing part of the Duchess’ house. On a small platform there is a tea table, set with many cups, continuing into wings to give impression of limitless length.The March Hare,Hatter, andDormouseare crowded at one end.Alicesits on the ground where she has been dropped from the sky. Finding herself not bruised she rises and approaches the table.
March HareandHatter
No room! No room!
Alice
There’s plenty of room!
[She sits in a large armchair at one end of the table.]
I don’t know who you are.
March Hare
I am the March Hare, that’s the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse. Have some wine?
Alice
I don’t see any wine.
March Hare
There isn’t any.
Alice
Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it.
March Hare
It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
Alice
I didn’t know it wasyourtable; it’s laid for a great many more than three.
Hatter
Your hair wants cutting.
Alice
You should learn not to make personal remarks; it’s very rude.
Hatter
Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
Alice
Come, we shall have some fun now! I’m glad you’ve begun asking riddles—I believe I can guess that.
March Hare
So you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?
Larger Image
Hatter: Your hair wants cutting.
Alice
Exactly so.
March Hare
Then you should say what you mean.
Alice
I do; at least—at least I mean what I say—that’s the same thing, you know.
Hatter
Not the same thing a bit! Why, you might just as well say that “I see what I eat” is the same thing as, “I eat what I see!”
March Hare
You might just as well say that “I like what I get,” is the same thing as “I get what I like.”
Dormouse
You might just as well say that “I breathe when I sleep” is the same thing as “I sleep when I breathe.”
Hatter
Itisthe same thing with you.
[Takes out his watch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it, holds it to his ear.]
What day of the month is it?
Alice
The fourth.
Hatter
Two days wrong. I told you butter wouldn’t suit the works!
March Hare
It was thebestbutter.
Hatter
Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well; you shouldn’t have put it in with the bread-knife—
March Hare
[Takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his cup of tea and looks at it again but doesn’t know what else to say.]
It was thebestbutter, you know.
Alice
What a funny watch! It tells the day of the month, and doesn’t tell what o’clock it is.
Hatter
Why should it? Doesyourwatch tell you what year it is?
Alice
Of course not, but that’s because it stays the same year for such a long time together.
Hatter
Which is just the case withmine.
Alice
I don’t quite understand you. What you said had no sort of meaning in it and yet it was certainly English.
Hatter
[Pouring some hot tea on theDormouse’snose.]
The Dormouse is asleep again.
Dormouse
Of course, of course, just what I was going to remark myself.
Hatter
Have you guessed the riddle yet?
Alice
No, I give it up, what’s the answer?
Hatter
I haven’t the slightest idea.
March Hare
Nor I.
Alice
I think you might do something better with the time, than wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers.
Hatter
If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn’t talk about wastingit. It’shim.
Alice
I don’t know what you mean.
Hatter
Of course you don’t. I dare say you never even spoke to Time.
Alice
Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.
Hatter
Ah, that accounts for it. He won’t stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he’d do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o’clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons. You’d only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half past one, time for dinner.
March Hare
I only wish it was.
Alice
That would be grand, certainly, but then—I shouldn’t be hungry for it, you know.
Hatter
Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half past one as long as you liked.
Alice
Is that the wayyoumanage?
Hatter
Not I, we quarreled last March—just beforehewent mad, you know. It was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts and I had to sing.
“Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!How I wonder what you’re at!”
You know the song, perhaps.
Alice
I’ve heard something like it.
Dormouse
Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle—
Hatter
Well, I’d hardly finished the first verse when the Queen bawled out, “He’s murdering the time! Off with his head!”
Alice
How dreadfully savage!
Hatter
And ever since that, he won’t do a thing I ask! It’s always six o’clock now.
Alice
Is that the reason so many tea things are put out here?
Hatter
Yes, that’s it; it’s always tea time, and we’ve no time to wash the things between whiles.
Alice
Then you keep moving round, I suppose?
Hatter
Exactly so, as the things get used up.
Alice
But when you come to the beginning again?
March Hare
Suppose we change the subject. I vote the young lady tells us a story.
Alice
I’m afraid I don’t know one.
March HareandHatter
Then the Dormouse shall. Wake up Dormouse.
[They pinch him on both sides at once.]
Dormouse
[Opens his eyes slowly and says in a hoarse, feeble voice.]
I wasn’t asleep, I heard every word you fellows were saying.
March Hare
Tell us a story.
Alice
Yes, please do!
Hatter
And be quick about it, or you’ll be asleep again before it’s done.
Dormouse
Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and theirnames were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie and they lived at the bottom of a well—
Alice
What did they live on?
Dormouse
They lived on treacle.
Alice
They couldn’t have done that, you know, they’d have been ill.
Dormouse
So they were,veryill.
Alice
But why did they live at the bottom of a well?
March Hare
Take some more tea.
Alice
I’ve had nothing yet, so I can’t take more.
Hatter
You mean, you can’t takeless; it’s very easy to takemorethan nothing.
Alice
Nobody askedyouropinion.
Hatter
Who’s making personal remarks now?
Alice
[Helps herself to tea and bread and butter.]
Why did they live at the bottom of a well?
Dormouse
[Takes a minute or two to think.]
It was a treacle-well.
Alice
There’s no such thing!
HatterandMarch Hare
Sh! Sh!
Dormouse
If you can’t be civil, you’d better finish the story for yourself.
Alice
[Very humbly.]
No, please go on. I won’t interrupt you again. I dare say there may beone.
Dormouse
One, indeed! And so these three little sisters—they were learning to draw, you know—
Alice
What did they draw?
Dormouse
Treacle.
Hatter
I want a clean cup. Let’s all move one place on.
[Hattermoves on,Dormousetakes his place,March HaretakesDormouse’splace andAliceunwillingly takesMarch Hare’splace.]
Alice
I’m worse off than I was before. You’ve upset the milk jug into your plate.
March Hare
It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
Alice
Where did they draw the treacle from?
Hatter
You can draw water out of a water well, so I should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle well—eh, stupid?
Alice
But they wereinthe well.
Dormouse
Of course they were—well in. They were learning to draw, and they drew all manner of things—everything that begins with an M—
Alice
Why with an M?
March Hare
Why not?
[Aliceis silent and confused.HatterpinchesDormouseto wake him up.]
Dormouse
[Wakes with a little shriek and continues.]
—that begins with an M, such as mousetraps and the moon and memory and muchness—you know you say things are “much of a muchness”—did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?
Hatter
Did you?
Alice
Really now you ask me, I don’t think—
Hatter
Then you shouldn’t talk.
March Hare
No!
Alice
[Rises and walks away.]
You are very rude. It’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life—
[White Rabbitenters carrying a huge envelope with a seal and crown on it.]
March HareandHatter
No room! no room!
[Rabbit pays no attention to them but goes to the house and raps loudly. A footman in livery with a round face and large eyes like a frog and powdered hair opens the door.]
White Rabbit
For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
Frog
From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.
[White Rabbitbows and goes out.]
March HareandHatter
[ToWhite Rabbit.]
No room! No room! No room!
[TheFrogdisappears into the house but leaves the door open. There is a terrible din and many sauce pans fly out.]
March Hare
She’s at it again.
Hatter
It’s perfectly disgusting.
March Hare
Let’s move on.
[The platform moves off with table, chairs,March Hare,Hatter,andDormouse.Meanwhile theFroghas come out again and is sitting near the closed door, staring stupidly at the sky.Alicegoes to the door timidly and knocks.]
Frog
There’s no sort of use in knocking, and that for two reasons: first, because I’m on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they’re making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.
Alice
Please then, how am I to get in?
Frog
There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us. For instance, if you wereinside, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.
Alice
How am I to get in?
Frog
I shall sit here, till tomorrow.
[The door opens and a large plate skims out straight at theFrog’shead; it grazes his nose and breaks into pieces.]
[Frogacts as if nothing had happened.]
Or next day, maybe.
Alice
How am I to get in?
Frog
Areyou to get in at all? That’s the first question, you know.
Alice
It’s really dreadful the way all you creatures argue. It’s enough to drive one crazy.
Frog
I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.
Alice
But what am I to do?
Frog
Anything you like.
[He begins to whistle.]
Alice
Where’s the servant whose business it is to answer the door?
Frog
Which door?
Alice
Thisdoor, of course!
[TheFroglooks at the door, and rubs his thumb on it to see if the paint will come off.]