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Frog: I shall sit here till tomorrow.
Frog
To answer the door? What’s it been asking for?
Alice
I don’t know what you mean.
Frog
I speaks English, doesn’t I? Or are you deaf? What did it ask you?
Alice
Nothing! I’ve been knocking at it.
Frog
Shouldn’t do that—shouldn’t do that, vexes it, you know.
[He kicks the door.]
You letitalone, and it’ll letyoualone, you know.
Alice
Oh, there’s no use talking to you—
[She starts to open the door just as theDuchesscomes out carrying a pig in baby’s clothes. She sneezes—Frogsneezes andAlicesneezes.]
Duchess
If everybody minded her own business—
[She sneezes.]
Alice
It’s pepper.
Duchess
Of course, my cook puts it in the soup.
Alice
There’s certainly too much pepper in the soup.
Duchess
Sneeze then and get rid of it!
[Duchessbegins to sing to the baby, giving it a violent shake at the end of every line of the lullaby.]
“Speak roughly to your little boy,And beat him when he sneezes;
[FrogandAlicesneeze.]
He only does it to annoy,Because he knows it teases.
[Duchesssneezes,Frogsneezes,Alicesneezes.]
I speak severely to my boy,I beat him when he sneezes;
[Frogsneezes,Alicesneezes.]
For he can thoroughly enjoyThe pepper when he pleases!”
[Duchesssneezes,Frogsneezes,Alicesneezes,Duchessgasps and gives a tremendous sneeze.]
Alice
Oh dear!
[She jumps aside as kettles and pots come flying out of the door. TheDuchesspays no attention.]
What a cook to have!
[She calls inside.]
Oh!pleasemind what you’re doing!
[Another pan comes out and almost hits the baby.]
Oh! there goes hispreciousnose!
Duchess
If everybody minded her own business, the world would go round a deal faster than it does.
Alice
Which would not be an advantage. Just think what work it would make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis—
Duchess
Talking of axes, chop off her head!
[The head of a grinning Cheshire cat appears in a tree above a wall.]
Alice
Oh, what’s that?
Duchess
Cat, of course.
Alice
Why does it grin like that?
Duchess
It’s a Cheshire cat! and that’s why. [To baby.] Pig!
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Duchess: I speak severely to my boy,I beat him when he sneezes.
Alice
I didn’t know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn’t know that catscouldgrin.
Duchess
They all can and most of ’em do.
Alice
I don’t know of any that do.
Duchess
You don’t know much and that’s a fact. Here, you may nurse it a bit, if you like!
[Flings the baby atAlice.]
I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen.
[She goes into the house.]
Alice
If I don’t take this child away with me, they’re sure to kill it in a day or two. Cheshire Puss, would you tell me please, which way I ought to walk from here?
Cat
That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice
I don’t much care where—
Cat
Then it doesn’t matter which way you walk.
Alice
So long as I getsomewhere.
Cat
Oh, you’re sure to do that, if you only walk long enough.
Alice
Please, will you tell me what sort of people live about here?
Cat
All mad people.
Alice
But I don’t want to go among mad people.
Cat
Oh, you can’t help that; we’re all mad here. I’m mad. He’s mad. He’s dreaming now, and what do you think he’s dreaming about?
Alice
[Goes to theFrogto scrutinize his face.]
Nobody could guess that.
Cat
Why, about you! And if he left off dreaming about you, where do you suppose you’d be?
Alice
Where I am now, of course.
Cat
Not you. You’d be nowhere. Why, you’re only a sort of thing in his dream; and you’re mad too.
Alice
How do you know I’m mad?
Cat
You must be, or you wouldn’t have come here.
Alice
How do you know that you’re mad?
Cat
To begin with, a dog’s not mad. You grant that?
Alice
I suppose so.
Cat
Well then, you see a dog growls when it’s angry, and wags itstail when it’s pleased. Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.
Alice
I call it purring, not growling.
Cat
Call it what you like. Do you play croquet with the Queen today?
Alice
I should like it very much, but I haven’t been invited yet.
Cat
You’ll see me there.
[Vanishes.]
Alice
[To squirming baby.]
Oh, dear, it’s heavy and so ugly. Don’t grunt—Oh—Oh—it’s a—pig. Please Mr. Footman take it!
Frog
[Rises with dignity, whistles and disappears into the house; a kettle comes bounding out.Aliceputs pig down and it crawls off.]
Cat
[Appearing again.]
By-the-bye, what became of the baby?
Alice
It turned into a pig.
Cat
I thought it would.
[Vanishes.]
[Frogcomes out of the house with hedgehogs and flamingoes.]
Cat
[Reappearing.]
Did you say pig, or fig?
Alice
I said pig; and I wish you wouldn’t keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly; you make one quite giddy.
Cat
All right. [It vanishes slowly.]
[Frogputs flamingoes down and reenters house. WhileAliceis examining the flamingoes curiously,TweedledumandTweedledee,each with an arm round the other’s neck, sidestep in and stand looking atAlice.]
Alice
[Turns, sees them, starts in surprise and involuntarily whispers.]
Tweedle—dee.
Dum
Dum!
Dee
If you think we’re waxworks, you ought to pay.
Dum
Contrariwise, if you think we’re alive, you ought to speak.
Dee
The first thing in a visit is to say “How d’ye do?” and shake hands!
[The brothers give each other a hug, then hold out the two hands that are free, to shake hands with her.Alicedoes not like shaking hands with either of them first, for fear of hurting the other one’s feelings; she takes hold of both hands at once and they all dance round in a ring, quite naturally to music, “Here we go round the mulberry bush.”]
Alice
Would you tell me which road leads out of—
Dee
What shall I repeat to her?
Dum
The “Walrus and the Carpenter” is the longest.
[Gives his brother an affectionate hug.]
Dee
The sun was shining—
Alice
If it’s very long, would you please tell me first which road—
Dee
The moon was shining sulkily.
Dum
The sea was wet as wet could be—
Dee
O Oysters, come and walk with usThe Walrus did beseech—
Dum
[Looks atDee.]
A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,Along the briny beach—
Dee
[Looks atDum.]
The eldest Oyster winked his eyeAnd shook his heavy head—
Dum
[Looks atDee.]
Meaning to say he did not chooseTo leave the oyster bed.
Dee
But four young Oysters hurried upAnd yet another four—
Dum
And thick and fast they came at last,And more, and more, and more—
Dee
The Walrus and the CarpenterWalked on a mile or so,
Dum
And then they rested on a rockConveniently low,
Dee
And all the little Oysters stoodAnd waited in a row.
Dum
“A loaf of bread,” the Walrus said,“Is what we chiefly need.
Dee
Now if you’re ready, Oysters dear,We can begin to feed.”
Dum
“But not on us!” the Oysters cried,Turning a little blue.
Dee
“The night is fine,” the Walrus said,“Do you admire the view?”
Dum
The Carpenter said nothing but“Cut us another slice.I wish you were not quite so deaf—I’ve had to ask you twice!”
Dee
“It seems a shame,” the Walrus said,“To play them such a trick,After we’ve brought them out so far,And made them trot so quick!”
Dum
“O, Oysters,” said the Carpenter,“You’ve had a pleasant run!
Dee
Shall we be trotting home again?”
Dum
But answer came there none—
Dee
And this was scarcely odd, because
Dum
They’d eaten every—
Dee
[Interrupts in a passion, pointing to a white rattle on the ground.]
Do you seethat?
Alice
It’s only a rattle—
Dum
[Stamps wildly and tears his hair.]
I knew it was! It’s spoilt of course. My nice new rattle!
[ToDee.]
You agree to have a battle?
[He collects sauce pans and pots.]
Dee
[Picks up a sauce pan.]
I suppose so. Let’s fight till dinner.
[They go out hand in hand.]
Alice
[Hears music.]
I wonder what is going to happen next.
[She backs down stage respectfully as theKingandQueen of Heartsenter, followed by theKnave of Heartscarrying theKing’scrown on a crimson velvet cushion, and theWhite Rabbitand others. When they come opposite toAlicethey stop and look at her.]
[TheDuchesscomes out of her house.]
Queen
[To theKnave.]
Who is this?
Knave
[Bows three times, smiles and giggles.]
Queen
Idiot! What’s your name, child?
Alice
My name is Alice, so please your Majesty.
Queen
Off with her head! Off—
Alice
Nonsense!
King
Consider, my dear, she is only a child.
Queen
Can you play croquet?
Alice
Yes.
Queen
Come on then. Get to your places. Where are the mallets?
Duchess
Here.
[TheFrogappears with the flamingoes and hedgehogs.]
Queen
Off with his head!
[No one pays any attention.]
Knave
What fun!
Alice
What is the fun?
Knave
Why she; it’s all her fancy, that. They never execute anyone.
Alice
What does one do?
Queen
Get to your places!
[She takes a flamingo, uses its neck as a mallet and a hedgehog as a ball. TheFrogdoubles himself into an arch. TheKingdoes the same with the followers and theKnaveoffers himself as an arch forAlice.Even thoughAlicedoes not notice him he holds the arch position. TheQueenshouts at intervals, “Off with his head, off with her head.”]
Alice
Where are the Chess Queens?
Rabbit
Under sentence of execution.
Alice
What for?
Rabbit
Did you say, “what a pity”?
Alice
No, I didn’t. I don’t think it’s at all a pity. I said, “What for?”
Rabbit
They boxed the Queen’s ears.
[Alicegives a little scream of laughter.]
Rabbit
Oh, hush! The Queen will hear you! You see they came rather late and the Queen said—Oh dear, the Queen hears me—
[He hurries away.]
Alice
[Noticing theKnavewho still pretends to be an arch.]
Howcanyou go on thinking so quietly, with your head downwards?
Knave
What does it matter where my body happens to be? My mind goes on working just the same. The fact of it is, the more head downwards I am, the more I keep on inventing new things.
King
Did you happen to meet any soldiers, my dear, as you came through the wood?
Alice
Yes, I did; several thousand I should think.
King
Four thousand, two hundred and seven, that’s the exact number. They couldn’t send all the horses, you know, because two of them are wanted in the game. And I haven’t sent the two messengers, either.
Alice
What’s the war about?
King
The red Chess King has the whole army against us but he can’t kill a man who has thirteen hearts.
[TheDuchess, Queen, Frog,and followers go out. TheKnaveand theFive-Spot, Seven-Spot,andNine-Spot of Heartsstand behind theKing.]
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King: I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see Nobody!
King
Just look along the road and tell me if you can see either of my messengers.
Alice
I see nobody on the road.
King
I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see Nobody! And at that distance too! Why, it’s as much as I can do to see real people, by this light.
Alice
I see somebody now! But he’s coming very slowly—and what curious attitudes he goes into—skipping up and down, and wriggling like an eel.
King
Not at all, those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. He only does them when he’s happy. I must have two messengers, you know—to come and go. One to come and one to go.
Alice
I beg your pardon?
King
It isn’t respectable to beg.
Alice
I only meant that I didn’t understand. Why one to come and one to go?
King
Don’t I tell you? I must have two—to fetch and carry. One to fetch, and one to carry.
March Hare
[Enters, pants for breath—waves his hands about and makes fearful faces at theKing.]
King
You alarm me! I feel faint—give me a ham sandwich. Another sandwich!
March Hare
There’s nothing but hay left now.
King
Hay, then. There’s nothing like eating hay when you’re faint.
Alice
I should think throwing cold water over you would be better.
King
I didn’t say there was nothingbetter; I said there was nothinglikeit.
King
Who did you pass on the road?
March Hare
Nobody.
King
Quite right; this young lady saw him too. So of course Nobody walks slower than you.
March Hare
I do my best; I’m sure nobody walks much faster than I do.
King
He can’t do that; or else he’d have been here first. However, now you’ve got your breath, you may tell us what’s happened in the town.
March Hare
I’ll whisper it.
[Much toAlice’ssurprise, he shouts into theKing’sear.]
They’re at it again!
King
Do you callthata whisper? If you do such a thing again, I’ll have you buttered. It went through and through my head like an earthquake. Give me details, quick!
[TheKingandMarch Harego out, followed byFive, Seven,andNine Spots.]
Duchess
[Runs in and tucks her arm affectionately intoAlice’s.]
You can’t think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing!
Alice
Oh!
Duchess
You’re thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can’t tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.
Alice
Perhaps it hasn’t one.
Duchess
Tut, tut, child! Everything’s got a moral, if only you can find it.
[Squeezes closely, digs her chin intoAlice’sshoulder, and roughly dragsAlicealong for a walk.]
Alice
The game’s going on rather better now.
Duchess
’Tis so, and the moral of that is—“Oh, ’tis love, ’tis love, that makes the world go round!”
Alice
Somebody said, that it’s done by everybody minding their own business.
Duchess
Ah, well! It means much the same thing, and the moral ofthatis—“Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.”
Alice
How fond you are of finding morals in things.
Duchess
I daresay you’re wondering why I don’t put my arm round your waist. The reason is, that I’m doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try the experiment?
Alice
He might bite.
Duchess
Very true; flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is—“Birds of a feather flock together.”
Alice
Only mustard isn’t a bird.
Duchess
Right, as usual; what a clear way you have of putting things.
Alice
It’s a mineral, Ithink.
Duchess
Of course it is; there’s a large mustard mine near here. And the moral of that is—“The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours.”
Alice
Oh! I know, it’s a vegetable. It doesn’t look like one, but it is.
Duchess
I quite agree with you, and the moral of that is—“Be what you would seem to be;” or, if you’d like it put more simply, “Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”
Alice
I think I should understand that better if I had it written down, but I can’t quite follow it as you say it.
Duchess
That’s nothing to what I could say if I chose.
Alice
Pray don’t trouble yourself to say it any longer than that.
Duchess
Oh, don’t talk about trouble; I make you a present of everything I’ve said as yet.
Alice
Uhm!
Duchess
Thinking again?
Alice
I’ve got a right to think.
Duchess
Just about as much right as pigs have to fly, and the moral—
[The arm of theDuchessbegins to tremble and her voice dies down. TheQueen of Heartsstands before them with folded arms and frowning like a thunderstorm.]
Duchess
A fine day, your Majesty.
Queen
Now, I give you fair warning, either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time. Take your choice!
[TheDuchessgoes meekly into the house.]
Queen
Let’s go on with the game.
[She goes off and shouts at intervals, “Off with his head; off with her head.”]
Cat
How are you getting on?
Alice
It’s no use speaking to you till your ears have come. I don’t think they play at all fairly and they all quarrel so and they don’t seem to have any rules in particular. And you’ve no idea how confusing it is with all the things alive; there’s the arch I’ve got to go through next walking about at the other end of the ground—and I should have croqueted the Queen’s hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming.
[Music begins.]
Cat
How do you like the Queen?
Alice
Not at all; she’s so extremely—
[TheKing, Queenand entire court enter. TheQueenis near toAlice.The music stops and all look atAlicequestioningly.]
[Alicetries to propitiate theQueen.]
—likely to win,
[Music continues.]
that it’s hardly worth while finishing the game.
[Queensmiles and passes on.]
King
Whoareyou talking to?
Alice
It’s a friend of mine—a Cheshire Cat—allow me to introduce it.
King
I don’t like the look of it at all; however, it may kiss my hand if it likes.
Cat
I’d rather not.
King
Don’t be impertinent and don’t look at me like that.
Alice
A cat may look at a king. I’ve read that in some book, but I don’t remember where.
King
Well, it must be removed. My dear! I wish you would have this cat removed.
Queen
Off with his head!
Knave
But you can’t cut off a head unless there’s a body to cut it off from.
King
Anything that has a head can be beheaded.
Queen
If something isn’t done about it in less than no time, I’ll have everybody executed, all round.
Alice
It belongs to the Duchess; you’d better ask her about it.
Duchess
It’s a lie!
Cat
You’d better ask me. Do it if you can.
[It grins away. TheDuchessandFrogescape into the house.]
Queen
Cut it off!
King
It’s gone.
Everybody
It’s gone! It’s gone! Where, where, where—
Queen
Cut it off. Cut them all off!
Everybody
No, no, no!
Alice
Save me, save me!
Knave
[Shouts toAliceand gives her a tart for safety.]
Take a tart!
Queen
[SeeingAlicestand out a moment from the others.]
Cut hers off! Cut hers off!
Others
[Glad to distractQueen’sattention from themselves.]
Cut hers off, cut hers off, cut—
Alice
[Cries in fear and takes a quick bite at the tart. If there is a trap door on the stageAlicedisappears down it, leaving thecrowd circling around the hole screaming and amazed. If the stage has no trap door, a bridge is built across the footlights with stairs leading down into the orchestra pit. When the crowd is chasingAliceshe jumps over the footlights onto the bridge and as the curtain is falling dividing her from the crowd she appeals to the audience, “Save me, save me, who will save me?” and runs down the stairs and disappears.]
CURTAIN
SCENE ONE
Is a garden of high, very conventional and artificial looking flowers. On a large mushroom sits theCaterpillarsmoking a hookah.Aliceis whirling about trying to get her equilibrium after her fall. She goes to the mushroom timidly and, conscious of her size, for her chin reaches the top of the mushroom, she gazes at theCaterpillarwonderingly. He looks at her lazily and speaks in a languid voice.
Caterpillar
Who are you?
Alice
I—I hardly know, sir, just at present. The Queen frightened me so and I’ve had an awfully funny fall down a tunnel or a sort of well. At least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.
Caterpillar
What do you mean by that? Explain yourself.
Alice
I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir, because I’m not myself, you see. Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.