ACT III

ACT IIISCENE I.—The Fair.LANTHORNLEATHERHEAD, JOANTRASH,and others, sitting by their wares, as before.EnterWHIT, HAGGISE,andBRISTLE.Whit.Nay, tish all gone, now! dish tish, phen tou wilt not be phitin call, master offisher, phat ish a man te better to lishen out noyshes for tee, and ton art in an oder orld, being very shuffishient noyshes and gallantsh too? one o’ their brabblesh would have fed ush all dish fortnight, but tou art so bushy about beggersh still, tou hast no leshure to intend shentlemen, and’t be.Hag.Why, I told you, Davy Bristle.Bri.Come, come, you told me a pudding, Toby Haggise; a matter of nothing; I am sure it came to nothing. You said, let’s go to Ursula’s, indeed; but then you met the man with the monsters, and I could not get you from him. An old fool, not leave seeing yet!Hag.Why, who would have thought any body would have quarrell’d so early; or that the ale o’ the fair would have been up so soon?Whit.Phy, phat a clock toest tou tink it ish, man?Hag.I cannot tell.Whit.Tou art a vish vatchman, i’ te mean teem.Hag.Why, should the watch go by the clock, or the clock by the watch, I pray?Bri.One should go by another, if they did well.Whit.Tou art right now! phen didst tou ever know or hear of a shuffishient vatchment, but he did tell the clock, phat bushiness soever he had?Bri.Nay, that’s most true, a sufficient watchman knows what a clock it is.Whit.Shleeping or vaking: ash well as te clock himshelf, or te Jack dat shtrikes him.Bri.Let’s enquire of master Leatherhead, or Joan Trash here.—Master Leatherhead, do you hear, master Leatherhead?Whit.If it be a Ledderhead, tish a very tick Ledderhead, tat sho mush noish vill not piersh him.Leath.I have a little business now, good friends, do not trouble me.Whit.Phat, because o’ ty wrought neet-cap, and ty phelvet sherkin, man? phy! I have sheene tee in ty ledder sherkin, ere now, mashter o’ de hobby-horses, as bushy and stately as tou sheemest to be.Trash.Why, what an you have, captain Whit? he has his choice of jerkins, you may see by that, and his caps too, I assure you, when he pleases to be either sick or employed.Leath.God-a-mercy, Joan, answer for me.Whit.Away, be not sheen in my company, here be shentlemen, and men of vorship.[Exeunt Haggise and Bristle.EnterQUARLOUSandWINWIFE.Quar.We had wonderful ill luck, to miss this prologue o’ the purse: but the best is, we shall have five acts of him ere night: he’ll be spectacle enough, I’ll answer for’t.Whit.O creesh, duke Quarlous, how dosht tou? tou dosht not know me, I fear: I am te vishesht man, but justish Overdo, in all Bartholomew Fair now. Give me twelve-pence from tee, I vill help tee to a vife vorth forty marks for’t, and’t be.Quar.Away, rogue; pimp, away.Whit.And she shall shew tee as fine cut orke for’t in her shmock too as tou cansht vish i’faith; vilt tou have her, vorshipful Vinvife? I vill help tee to her here, be an’t be, into pig-quarter, gi’ me ty twelve-pence from tee.Winw.Why, there’s twelve-pence, pray thee wilt thou begone?Whit.Tou art a vorthy man, and a vorshipful man still.Quar.Get you gone, rascal.Whit.I do mean it, man. Prinsh Quarlous, if tou hasht need on me, tou shalt find me here at Ursla’s, I vill see phat ale and punque ish i’ te pigsty for tee, bless ty good vorship.[Exit.Quar.Look! who comes here: John Littlewit!Winw.And his wife, and my widow, her mother: the whole family.Quar.’Slight, you must give them all fairings now.Winw.Not I, I’ll not see them.Quar.They are going a feasting. What schoolmaster’s that is with ’em?Winw.That’s my rival, I believe, the baker.EnterRabbi BUSY, Dame PURECRAFT, JOHNLITTLEWIT,andMrs. LITTLEWIT.Busy.So, walk on in the middle way, fore-right, turn neither to the right hand nor to the left; let not your eyes be drawn aside with vanity, nor your ear with noises.Quar.O, I know him by that start.Leath.What do you lack, what do you buy, mistress? a fine hobby-horse, to make your son a tilter? a drum to make him a soldier? a fiddle to make him a reveller? what is’t you lack? little dogs for your daughters? or babies, male or female?Busy.Look not toward them, hearken not; the place is Smithfield, or the field of smiths, the grove of hobby-horses and trinkets, the wares are the wares of devils, and the whole Fair is the shop of Satan: they are hooks and baits, very baits, that are hung out on every side, to catch you, and to hold you, as it were, by the gills, and by the nostrils, as the fisher doth; therefore you must not look nor turn toward them.—The heathen man could stop his ears with wax against the harlot of the sea; do you the like with your fingers against the bells of the beast.Winw.What flashes come from him!Quar.O, he has those of his oven; a notable hot baker, ’twas when he plied the peel; he is leading his flock into the Fair now.Winw.Rather driving them to the pens: for he will let them look upon nothing.EnterKNOCKEMandWHITfromURSULA’Sbooth.Knock.Gentlewomen, the weather’s hot; whither walk you? have a care of your fine velvet caps, the Fair is dusty. Take a sweet delicate booth, with boughs, here in the way, and cool yourselves in the shade; you and your friends. The best pig and bottle-ale in the Fair, sir. Old Ursula is cook, there you may read; [points to the sign, a pig’s head, with a large writing under it.] the pig’s head speaks it. Poor soul, she has had a string-halt, the maryhinchco; but she’s prettily amended.Whit.A delicate show-pig, little mistress, with shweet sauce, and crackling, like de bay-leaf i’ de fire, la! tou shalt ha’ de clean side o’ de table-clot, and di glass vash’d with phatersh of dame Annesh Cleare.Lit.[gazing at the inscription.] This is fine verily.Here be the best pigs, and she does roast them as well as ever she did, the pig’s head says.Knock.Excellent, excellent, mistress; with fire o’ juniper and rosemary branches! the oracle of the pig’s head, that, sir.Pure.Son, were you not warn’d of the vanity of the eye? have you forgot the wholesome admonition so soon?Lit.Good mother, how shall we find a pig, if we do not look about for’t: will it run off o’ the spit, into our mouths, think you, as in Lubberland, and cry,wee, wee!Busy.No, but your mother, religiously-wise, conceiveth it may offer itself by other means to the sense, as by way of steam, which I think it doth here in this place—huh, huh—yes, it doth. [He scents after it like a hound.] And it were a sin of obstinacy, great obstinacy, high and horrible obstinacy, to decline or resist the good titillation of the famelic sense, which is the smell. Therefore be bold—huh, huh, huh—follow the scent: enter the tents of the unclean, for once, and satisfy your wife’s frailty. Let your frail wife be satisfied; your zealous mother, and my suffering self, will also be satisfied.Lit.Come, Win, as good winny here as go farther, and see nothing.Busy.We scape so much of the other vanities, by our early entering.Pure.It is an edifying consideration.Mrs. Lit.This is scurvy, that we must come into the Fair, and not look on’t.Lit.Win, have patience, Win, I’ll tell you more anon.[Exeunt, into the booth, Littlewit, Mrs. Littlewit, Busy, and Purecraft.Knock.Mooncalf, entertain within there, the best pig in the booth, a pork-like pig. These are Banbury-bloods, o’ the sincere stud, come a pig-hunting. Whit, wait, Whit, look to your charge.[Exit Whit.Busy.[within.] A pig prepare presently, let a pig be prepared to us.EnterMOONCALFandURSULA.Moon.’Slight, who be these?Urs.Is this the good service, Jordan, you’d do me?Knock.Why, Urse, why, Urse? thou’lt have vapours i’ thy leg again presently, pray thee go in, it may turn to the scratches else.Urs.Hang your vapours, they are stale, and stink like you! Are these the guests o’ the game you promised to fill my pit withal to-day?Knock.Ay, what ail they, Urse?Urs.Ail they! they are all sippers, sippers o’ the city; they look as they would not drink off two pen’orth of bottle-ale amongst ’em.Moon.A body may read that in their small printed ruffs.Knock.Away, thou art a fool, Urse, and thy Mooncalf too: in your ignorant vapours now! hence! good guests, I say, right hypocrites, good gluttons. In, and set a couple o’ pigs on the board, and half a dozen of the biggest bottles afore ’em, and callWhit. [Exit Mooncalf.] I do not love to hear innocents abused; fine ambling hypocrites! and a stone puritan with a sorrel head and beard! good mouth’d gluttons; two to a pig, away.Urs.Are you sure they are such?Knock.O’ the right breed, thou shalt try ’em by the teeth, Urse; where’s this Whit?Re-enterWHIT.Whit.Behold, man, and see,What a worthy man am ee!With the fury of my sword,And the shaking of my beard,I will make ten thousand men afeard.Knock.Well said, brave Whit! in, andfearthe ale out o’ the bottles into the bellies of the brethren, and . . . the sisters drink to the cause, and pure vapours.[Exeunt Knockem, Whit, and Ursula.Quar.My roarer is turn’d tapster, methinks. Now were a fine time for thee, Winwife, to lay aboard thy widow, thou’lt never be master of a better season or place; she that will venture herself into the Fair and a pig-box, will admit any assault, be assured of that.Winw.I love not enterprises of that suddenness though.Quar.I’ll warrant thee, then, no wife out of the widow’s hundred: if I had but as much title to her, as to have breathed once on that straight stomacher of hers, I would now assure myself to carry her, yet, ere she went out of Smithfield; or she should carry me, which were the fitter sight, I confess. But you are a modest undertaker, by circumstances and degrees; come, ’tis disease in thee, not judgment; I should offer at all together.—EnterOVERDO.Look, here’s the poor fool again, that was stung by the Waspe erewhile.Over.I will make no more orations, shall draw on these tragical conclusions. And I begin now to think, that by a spice of collateral justice, Adam Overdo deserved this beating; for I, the said Adam, was one cause (a by-cause) why the purse was lost; and my wife’s brother’s purse too, which they know not of yet. But I shall make very good mirth with it at supper, that will be the sport, and put my little friend, master Humphrey Waspe’s choler quite out of countenance: when, sitting at the upper end of my table, as I use, and drinking to my brother Cokes, and mistress Alice Overdo, as I will, my wife, for their good affection to old Bradley, I deliver to them, it was I that was cudgeled, and shew them the marks. To see what bad events may peep out o’ the tail of good purposes! the care I had of that civil young man I took fancy to this morning, (and have not left it yet,) drew me to that exhortation, which drew the company indeed; which drew the cut-purse; which drew the money; which drew my brother Cokes his loss; which drew onWaspe’s anger; which drew on my beating: a pretty gradation! and they shall have it in their dish, i’faith, at night for fruit; I love to be merry at my table. I had thought once, at one special blow he gave me, to have revealed myself; but then (I thank thee, fortitude) I remembered that a wise man, and who is ever so great a part of the commonwealth in himself, for no particular disaster ought to abandon a public good design. The husbandman ought not, for one unthankful year, to forsake the plough; the shepherd ought not, for one scabbed sheep, to throw by his tar-box; the pilot ought not, for one leak in the poop, to quit the helm; nor the alderman ought not, for one custard more at a meal, to give up his cloke; the constable ought not to break his staff, and forswear the watch, for one roaring night; nor the piper of the parish,ut parvis componere magna solebam, to put up his pipes for one rainy Sunday. These are certain knocking conclusions; out of which, I am resolved, come what come can, come beating, come imprisonment, come infamy, come banishment, nay, come the rack, come the hurdle, (welcome all,) I will not discover who I am, till my due time; and yet still, all shall be, as I said ever, in justice name, and the king’s, and for the commonwealth.[Exit Overdo.Winw.What does he talk to himself, and act so seriously, poor fool!Quar.No matter what. Here’s fresher argument, intend that.EnterCOKES, Mistress OVERDO,andGRACEWELLBORN,followed byWASPE,loaded with toys.Cokes.Come, mistress Grace, come, sister, here’s more fine sights yet, i’faith. Od’s ’lid, where’s Numps?Leath.What do you lack, gentlemen? what is’t you buy? fine rattles, drums, babies, little dogs, and birds for ladies? what do you lack?Cokes.Good honest Numps, keep afore, I am so afraid thou’lt lose somewhat; my heart was at my mouth, when I mist thee.Waspe.You were best buy a whip in your hand to drive me.Cokes.Nay, do not mistake, Numps; thou art so apt to mistake! I would but watch the goods. Look you now, the treble fiddle was e’en almost like to be lost.Waspe.Pray you take heed you lose not yourself; your best way were e’en get up and ride for more surety. Buy a token’s worth of great pins, to fasten yourself to my shoulder.Leath.What do you lack, gentlemen? fine purses, pouches, pincases, pipes? what is’t you lack? a pair o’ smiths to wake you in the morning? or a fine whistling bird?Cokes.Numps, here be finer things than any we have bought by odds! and more delicate horses, a great deal; good Numps, stay, and come hither.Waspe.Will you scourse with him? you are in Smithfield, you may fit yourself with a fine easy-going street-nag, for your saddle, again Michaelmas term, do: has he ne’er a little odd cart for youto make a caroch on, in the country, with four pied hobby-horses? Why the measles should you stand here, with your train, cheapning of dogs, birds, and babies? you have no children to bestow them on, have you?Cokes.No, but again I have children, Numps, that’s all one.Waspe.Do, do, do, do; how many shall you have, think you? an I were as you, I’d buy for all my tenants too, they are a kind of civil savages, that will part with their children for rattles, pipes, and knives. You were best buy a hatchet or two, and truck with ’em.Cokes.Good Numps, hold that little tongue o’ thine, and save it a labour. I am resolute Bat, thou know’st.Waspe.A resolute fool you are, I know, and a very sufficient coxcomb; with all my heart;—nay, you have it, sir, an you be angry, turd in your teeth, twice; if I said it not once afore, and much good do you.Winw.Was there ever such a self-affliction, and so impertinent?Quar.Alas, his care will go near to crack him; let’s in and comfort him.[They come forward.Waspe.Would I had been set in the ground, all but the head on me, and had my brains bowled at, or threshed out, when first I underwent this plague of a charge!Quar.How now, Numps! almost tired in your protectorship? overparted, overparted?Waspe.Why, I cannot tell, sir, it may be I am; does it grieve you?Quar.No, I swear does’t not, Numps; to satisfy you.Waspe.Numps! ’sblood, you are fine and familiar: how long have we been acquainted, I pray you?Quar.I think it may be remembered, Numps, that; ’twas since morning, sure.Waspe.Why, I hope I know’t well enough, sir; I did not ask to be told.Quar.No! why, then?Waspe.It’s no matter why; you see with your eyes now, what I said to you to-day: you’ll believe me another time?Quar.Are you removing the Fair, Numps?Waspe.A pretty question, and a civil one! yes faith, I have my lading, you see, or shall have anon; you may know whose beast I am by my burden. If the pannier-man’s jack were ever better known by his loins of mutton, I’ll be flayed, and feed dogs for him when his time comes.Winw.How melancholic mistress Grace is yonder! pray thee let’s go enter ourselves in grace with her.Cokes.Those six horses, friend, I’ll have—Waspe.How!Cokes.And the three Jew’s-trumps; and half a dozen o’ birds, and that drum, (I have one drum already) and your smiths; I like that device of your smiths, very pretty well; and four halberts—and,let me see, that fine painted great lady, and her three women for state, I’ll have.Waspe.No, the shop; buy the whole shop, it will be best, the shop, the shop!Leath.If his worship please.Waspe.Yes, and keep it during the Fair, Bobchin.Cokes.Peace, Numps.—Friend, do not meddle with him, an you be wise, and would shew your head above board; he will sting thorough your wrought night-cap, believe me. A set of these violins I would buy too, for a delicate young noise I have in the country, that are every one a size less than another, just like your fiddles. I would fain have a fine young masque at my marriage, now I think on’t: But I do want such a number of things!—And Numps will not help me now, and I dare not speak to him.Trash.Will your worship buy any gingerbread, very good bread, comfortable bread?Cokes.Gingerbread! yes, let’s see.[Runs to her shop.Waspe.There’s the t’other springe.Leath.Is this well, goody Joan, to interrupt my market in the midst, and call away my customers? can you answer this at the Pie-poudres?Trash.Why, if his mastership has a mind to buy, I hope my ware lies as open as another’s; I may shew my ware as well as you yours.Cokes.Hold your peace; I’ll content you both: I’ll buy up his shop, and thy basket.Waspe.Will you, i’faith?Leath.Why should you put him from it, friend?Waspe.Cry you mercy! you’d be sold too, would you? what’s the price on you, jerkin and all, as you stand? have you any qualities?Trash.Yes, good man, angry-man, you shall find he has qualities if you cheapen him.Waspe.Od’s so, you have the selling of him! What are they, will they be bought for love or money?Trash.No indeed, sir.Waspe.For what then, victuals?Trash.He scorns victuals, sir; he has bread and butter at home, thanks be to God! and yet he will do more for a good meal, if the toy take him in the belly; marry then they must not set him at lower ends, if they do, he’ll go away, though he fast; but put him a-top o’ the table, where his place is, and he’ll do you forty fine things. He has not been sent for, and sought out for nothing, at your great city-suppers, to put down Coriat and Cokely, and been laughed at for his labour; he’ll play you all the puppets in the town over, and the players, every company, and his own company too; he spares nobody.Cokes.I’faith?Trash.He was the first, sir, that ever baited the fellow in thebear’s skin, an’t like your worship: no dog ever came near him since. And for fine motions!Cokes.Is he good at those too? can he set out a masque, trow?Trash.O lord, master! sought to far and near for his inventions; and he engrosses all, he makes all the puppets in the Fair.Cokes.Dost thou, in troth, old velvet jerkin? give me thy hand.Trash.Nay, sir, you shall see him in his velvet jerkin, and a scarf too at night, when you hear him interpret master Littlewit’s motion.Cokes.Speak no more, but shut up shop presently, friend, I’ll buy both it and thee too, to carry down with me; and her hamper beside. Thy shop shall furnish out the masque, and her’s the banquet: I cannot go less, to set out any thing with credit. What’s the price, at a word, of thy whole shop, case and all as it stands?Leath.Sir, it stands me in six and twenty shillings seven-pence halfpenny, besides three shillings for my ground.Cokes.Well, thirty shillings will do all, then! and what comes yours to?Trash.Four shillings and eleven-pence, sir, ground and all, an’t like your worship.Cokes.Yes, it does like my worship very well, poor woman; that’s five shillings more: what a masque shall I furnish out, for forty shillings, twenty pound Scotch, and a banquet of gingerbread! there’s a stately thing! Numps? sister?—and my wedding gloves too! that I never thought on afore! All my wedding gloves gingerbread? O me! what a device will there be, to make ’em eat their fingers’ ends! and delicate brooches for the bridemen and all! and then I’ll have this poesie put to them,For the best grace, meaning mistress Grace, my wedding poesie.Grace.I am beholden to you, sir, and to your Bartholomew wit.Waspe.You do not mean this, do you? Is this your first purchase?Cokes.Yes, faith: and I do not think, Numps, but thou’lt say, it was the wisest act that ever I did in my wardship.Waspe.Like enough! I shall say any thing, I!EnterEDGWORTH, NIGHTINGALEand People, followed, at a distance, byOVERDO.Over.I cannot beget a project, with all my political brain yet: my project is how to fetch off this proper young man from his debauched company. I have followed him all the Fair over, and still I find him with this songster, and I begin shrewdly to suspect their familiarity; and the young man of a terrible taint, poetry! with which idle disease if he be infected, there’s no hope of him, in a state-course.Actum estof him for a commonwealth’s-man, if he go to’t in rhyme once. [Aside.Edg.[to Nightingale.] Yonder he is buying of gingerbread; set in quickly, before he part with too much of his money.Night.[advancing and singing.]My masters, and friends, and good people, draw near—Cokes.[runs to the ballad-man.] Ballads! hark! hark! pray thee, fellow, stay a little; good Numps, look to the goods. What ballads hast thou? let me see, let me see myself.Waspe.Why so! he’s flown to another lime-bush, there he will flutter as long more; till he have ne’er a feather left. Is there a vexation like this, gentlemen? will you believe me now, hereafter, shall I have credit with you?Quar.Yes, faith shalt thou, Numps, and thou art worthy on’t, for thou sweatest for’t. I never saw a young pimp-errant and his squire better match’d.Winw.Faith, the sister comes after them well too.Grace.Nay, if you saw the justice her husband, my guardian, you were fitted for the mess, he is such a wise one his way—Winw.I wonder we see him not here.Grace.O! he is too serious for this place, and yet better sport then than the other three, I assure you, gentlemen, wherever he is, though it be on the bench.Cokes.How dost thou call it?A caveat against cut-purses!a good jest, i’faith, I would fain see that demon, your cut-purse you talk of, that delicate-handed devil; they say he walks hereabout; I would see him walk now. Look you, sister, here, here [he shews his purse boastingly], let him come, sister, and welcome. Ballad-man, does any cut-purses haunt hereabout? pray thee raise me one or two; begin, and shew me one.Night.Sir, this is a spell against them, spick and span new; and ’tis made as ’twere in mine own person, and I sing it in mine own defence. But ’twill cost a penny alone, if you buy it.Cokes.No matter for the price; thou dost not know me, I see, I am an odd Bartholomew.Mrs. Over.Has it a fine picture, brother?Cokes.O, sister, do you remember the ballads over the nursery chimney at home o’ my own pasting up? there be brave pictures, other manner of pictures than these, friend.Waspe.Yet these will serve to pick the pictures out of your pockets, you shall see.Cokes.So I heard them say! Pray thee mind him not, fellow; he’ll have an oar in every thing.Night.It was intended, sir, as if a purse should chance to be cut in my presence, now, I may be blameless though; as by the sequel will more plainly appear.Cokes.We shall find that in the matter: pray thee begin.Night.To the tune of Paggington’s pound, sir.Cokes.[sings.]Fa, la la la, la la la, fa, la la la!Nay, I’ll put thee in tune and all; mine own country dance! Pray thee begin.Night.It is a gentle admonition, you must know, sir, both to the purse-cutter and the purse-bearer.Cokes.Not a word more out of the tune, an thou lov’st me;Fa, la la la, la la la, fa, la la la.Come, when?Night.[sings.]My masters, and friends, and good people, draw near,And look to your purses, for that I do say;Cokes.Ha, ha, this chimes! Good counsel at first dash.Night.And tho’ little money in them you do bear,It costs more to get, than to lose in a day.Cokes.Good!Night.You oft have been told,Both the young and the old,And bidden beware of the cut-purse so bold;Cokes.Well said! he were to blame that would not, i’faith.Night.Then if you take heed not, free me from the curse,Who both give you warning, for, and the cut-purse.Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starved by thy nurse,Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse.Cokes.Good, i’faith; how say you, Numps, is there any harm in this?Night.It hath been upbraided to men of my trade,That oftentimes we are the cause of this crime;Cokes.The more coxcombs they that did it, I wusse.Night.Alack and for pity, why should it be said?As if they regarded or places or time!Examples have beenOf some that were seenIn Westminster-hall, yea the pleaders between;Then why should the judges be free from this curse,More than my poor self, for cutting the purse?Cokes.God a mercy for that! why should they be more free indeed?Night.Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starved by thy nurse,Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse.Cokes.That again, good ballad-man, that again. [He sings the burden with him.] O rare! I would fain rub mine elbow now, but I dare not pull out my hand.—On, I pray thee; he that made this ballad shall be poet to my masque.Night.At Worc’ster, ’tis known well, and even in the jail,A knight of good worship did there shew his face,Against the foul sinners, in zeal for to rail,And lostipso factohis purse in the place.Cokes.Is it possible?Night.Nay, once from the seatOf judgment so great,A judge there did lose a fair pouch of velvéte.Cokes.I’faith?Night.O Lord for thy mercy, how wicked or worse,Are those that so venture their necks for a purse!Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starv’d by thy nurse,Than lived to be hanged for cutting a purse.Cokes.[sings after him.]Youth, youth, etc.—Pray thee, stay a little, friend. Yet o’ thy conscience, Numps, speak, is there any harm in this?Waspe.To tell you true, ’tis too good for you, less you had grace to follow it.Over.It doth discover enormity, I’ll mark it more: I have not liked a paltry piece of poetry so well a good while. [Aside.Cokes.Youth, youth, etc.;where’s this youth now? a man must call upon him for his own good, and yet he will not appear. Look here, here’s for him; [shews his purse.] handy dandy, which hand will he have? On, I pray thee, with the rest; I do hear of him, but I cannot see him, this master youth, the cut-purse.Night.At plays, and at sermons, and at the sessions,’Tis daily their practice such booty to make.Yea under the gallows at executions,They stick not the stare-abouts’ purses to take.Nay one without grace,At a[far]better place,At court, and in Christmas, before the king’s face.Cokes.That was a fine fellow! I would have him now.Night.Alack then for pity must I bear the curse,That only belongs to the cunning cut-purse?Cokes.But where’s their cunning now, when they should use it? they are all chain’d now, I warrant you. [Sings.]Youth, youth, thou had’st better—The rat-catchers’ charms are all fools and asses to this: a pox on them, that they will not come! that a man should have such a desire to a thing, and want it!Quar.’Fore God I’d give half the Fair, an ’twere mine, for a cut-purse for him, to save his longing.Cokes.Look you, sister [shews his purse again], here, here, where is’t now? which pocket is’t in, for a wager?Waspe.I beseech you leave your wagers, and let him end his matter, an’t may be.Cokes.O, are you edified, Numps!Over.Indeed he does interrupt him too much: there Numps spoke to purpose. [Aside.Cokes.Sister, I am an ass, I cannot keep my purse! [Shews it again, and puts it up.]—On, on, I pray thee, friend.Night.Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starv’d by thy nurse,Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse.[As Nightingale sings, Edgworth gets up to Cokes, and tickles him in the ear with a straw twice to draw his hand out of his pocket.Winw.Will you see sport? look, there’s a fellow gathers up to him, mark.Quar.Good, i’faith! O he has lighted on the wrong pocket.Winw.He has it! ’fore God, he is a brave fellow: pity he should be detected.Night.But O, you vile nation of cut-purses all,Relent and repent, and amend and be sound,And know that you ought not, by honest men’s fall,Advance your own fortunes, to die above ground;And though you go gayIn silks, as you may,It is not the highway to heaven(as they say).Repent then, repent you, for better, for worse,And kiss not the gallows for cutting a purse.Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starv’d by thy nurse,Than live to be hang’d for cutting a purse.All.An excellent ballad! an excellent ballad!Edg.Friend, let me have the first, let me have the first, I pray you.[As Nightingale reaches out the ballad, Edgworth slips the purse into his hand.Cokes.Pardon me, sir; first come first serv’d; and I’ll buy the whole bundle too.Winw.That conveyance was better than all, did you see’t? he has given the purse to the ballad-singer.Quar.Has he?Edg.Sir, I cry you mercy, I’ll not hinder the poor man’s profit; pray you, mistake me not.Cokes.Sir, I take you for an honest gentleman, if that be mistaking; I met you to-day afore: ha! humph! O Lord! my purse is gone, my purse, my purse, my purse!Waspe.Come do not make a stir, and cry yourself an ass thorough the Fair afore your time.Cokes.Why, hast thou it, Numps? good Numps, how came you by it, I marle?Waspe.I pray you seek some other gamester to play the fool with; you may lose it time enough, for all your Fair wit.Cokes.By this good hand, glove and all, I have lost it already if thou hast it not; feel else, and mistress Grace’s handkerchief too, out of the t’other pocket.Waspe.Why, ’tis well, very well, exceeding pretty and well.Edg.Are you sure you have lost it, sir?Cokes.O Lord! yes; as I am an honest man, I had it but e’en now, atYouth, youth.Night.I hope you suspect not me, sir?Edg.Thee! that were a jest indeed! dost thou think the gentleman is foolish? where hadst thou hands, I pray thee? Away, ass, away![Exit Nightingale.Over.I shall be beaten again, if I be spied. [Aside, retiring.Edg.Sir, I suspect an odd fellow, yonder, is stealing away.Mrs. Over.Brother, it is the preaching fellow: you shall suspect him. He was at your t’other purse, you know! [Seizes Overdo.]—Nay, stay, sir, and view the work you have done; an you be beneficed at the gallows, and preach there, thank your own handy-work.Cokes.Sir, you shall take no pride in your preferment, you shall be silenced quickly.[They seize Overdo.Over.What do you mean, sweet buds of gentility?Cokes.To have my pennyworths out on you, bud. No less than two purses a day serve you! I thought you a simple fellow, when my man Numps beat you in the morning, and pitied you.Mrs. Over.So did I. I’ll be sworn, brother; but now I see he is a lewd and pernicious enormity, as master Overdo calls him.Over.Mine own words turn’d upon me like swords! [Aside.Cokes.Cannot a man’s purse be at quiet for you in the master’s pocket, but you must entice it forth, and debauch it![Overdo is carried off.Waspe.Sir, sir, keep your debauch, and your fine Bartholomew terms to yourself, and make as much on ’em as you please. But give me this from you in the mean time; I beseech you, see if I can look to this.Cokes.Why, Numps?Waspe.Why! because you are an ass, sir, there’s a reason the shortest way, an you will needs have it: now you have got the trick of losing, you’d lose your breech an ’twere loose. I know you, sir, come, deliver [takes the box from him], you’ll go and crack the vermin you breed now, will you? ’tis very fine; will you have the truth on’t? they are such retchless flies as you are, that blow cut-purses abroad in every corner; your foolish having of money makes them. An there were no wiser than I, sir, the trade should lie open for you, sir, it should, i’faith, sir. I would teach your wit to come to your head, sir, as well as your land to come into your hand, I assure you, sir.Winw.Alack, good Numps!Waspe.Nay, gentlemen, never pity me. I am not worth it: Lord send me at home once to Harrow o’ the Hill, again, if I travel any more, call me Coriat with all my heart.[Exeunt Waspe, Cokes, and Mrs. Overdo, followed by Edgworth.Quar.[stops Edgworth.] Stay, sir, I must have a word with you in private. Do you hear?Edg.With me, sir! what’s your pleasure, good sir?Quar.Do not deny it, you are a cut-purse, sir, this gentleman here and I saw you: nor do we mean to detect you, though we can sufficiently inform ourselves toward the danger of concealing you; but you must do us a piece of service.Edg.Good gentlemen, do not undo me; I am a civil young man, and but a beginner indeed.Quar.Sir, your beginning shall bring on your ending for us: we are no catchpoles nor constables. That you are to undertake is this: you saw the old fellow with the black box here?Edg.The little old governor, sir?Quar.That same: I see you have flown him to a mark already. I would have you get away that box from him, and bring it us.Edg.Wou’d you have the box and all, sir, or only that that is in’t? I’ll get you that, and leave him the box to play with still,which will be the harder of the two, because I would gain your worship’s good opinion of me.Winw.He says well, ’tis the greater mastery, and ’twill make the more sport when ’tis mist.Edg.Ay, and ’twill be the longer a missing, to draw on the sport.Quar.But look you do it now, sirrah, and keep your word, or—Edg.Sir, if ever I break my word with a gentleman, may I never read word at my need. Where shall I find you?Quar.Somewhere i’ the Fair, hereabouts: dispatch it quickly. [Exit Edgworth.] I would fain see the careful fool deluded! Of all beasts, I love the serious ass; he that takes pains to be one, and plays the fool with the greatest diligence that can be.Grace.Then you would not choose, sir, but love my guardian, justice Overdo, who is answerable to that description in every hair of him.Quar.So I have heard. But how came you, mistress Wellborn, to be his ward, or have relation to him at first?Grace.Faith, through a common calamity, he bought me, sir; and now he will marry me to his wife’s brother, this wise gentleman that you see; or else I must pay value o’ my land.Quar.’Slid, is there no device of disparagement, or so? talk with some crafty fellow, some picklock of the law: would I had studied a year longer in the Inns of court, an’t had been but in your case.Winw.Ay, master Quarlous, are you proffering! [Aside.Grace.You’d bring but little aid, sir.Winw.I’ll look to you, in faith, gamester. [Aside.]—An unfortunate foolish tribe you are fallen into, lady, I wonder you can endure them.Grace.Sir, they that cannot work their fetters off must wear them.Winw.You see what care they have on you, to leave you thus.Grace.Faith, the same they have of themselves, sir. I cannot greatly complain, if this were all the plea I had against them.Winw.’Tis true: but will you please to withdraw with us a little, and make them think they have lost you. I hope our manners have been such hitherto, and our language, as will give you no cause to doubt yourself in our company.Grace.Sir, I will give myself no cause; I am so secure of mine own manners, as I suspect not yours.Quar.Look where John Littlewit comes.Winw.Away, I’ll not be seen by him.Quar.No, you were not best, he’d tell his mother, the widow.Winw.Heart! what do you mean?Quar.Cry you mercy, is the wind there? must not the widow be named?[Exeunt.EnterLITTLEWITfromURSULA’Sbooth, followed byMrs. LITTLEWIT.Lit.Do you hear, Win, Win?Mrs. Lit.What say you, John?Lit.While they are paying the reckoning, Win, I’ll tell you a thing, Win; we shall never see any sights in the Fair, Win, except you long still, Win: good Win, sweet Win, long to see some hobby-horses, and some drums, and rattles, and dogs, and fine devices, Win. The bull with the five legs, Win; and the great hog. Now you have begun with pig, you may long for any thing, Win, and so for my motion, Win.Mrs. Lit.But we shall not eat of the bull and the hog, John; how shall I long then?Lit.O yes, Win: you may long to see, as well as to taste, Win: how did the pothecary’s wife, Win, that longed to see the anatomy, Win? or the lady, Win, that desired to spit in the great lawyer’s mouth, after an eloquent pleading? I assure you, they longed, Win; good Win, go in, and long.[Exeunt Littlewit and Mrs. Littlewit.Trash.I think we are rid of our new customer, brother Leatherhead, we shall hear no more of him.Leath.All the better; let’s pack up all and begone, before he find us.Trash.Stay a little, yonder comes a company; it may be we may take some more money.EnterKNOCKEMandBUSY.Knock.Sir, I will take your counsel, and cut my hair, and leave vapours: I see that tobacco, and bottle-ale, and pig, and Whit, and very Ursla herself, is all vanity.Busy.Only pig was not comprehended in my admonition, the rest were: for long hair, it is an ensign of pride, a banner; and the world is full of those banners, very full of banners. And bottle-ale is a drink of Satan’s, a diet-drink of Satan’s, devised to puff us up, and make us swell in this latter age of vanity; as the smoke of tobacco, to keep us in mist and error: but the fleshly woman, which you call Ursla, is above all to be avoided, having the marks upon her of the three enemies of man; the world, as being in the Fair; the devil, as being in the fire; and the flesh, as being herself.EnterDame. PURECRAFT.Pure.Brother Zeal-of-the-land! what shall we do? my daughter Win-the-fight is fallen into her fit of longing again.Busy.For more pig! there is no more, is there?Pure.To see some sights in the Fair.Busy.Sister, let her fly the impurity of the place swiftly, lest she partake of the pitch thereof. Thou art the seat of the beast, O Smithfield, and I will leave thee! Idolatry peepeth out on every side of thee.[Goes forward.Knock.An excellent right hypocrite! now his belly is full, he falls a railing and kicking, the jade. A very good vapour! I’ll in, and joy Ursla, with telling how her pig works; two and a half he eat to his share; and he has drunk a pailful. He eats with his eyes, as well as his teeth.[Exit.Leath.What do you lack, gentlemen? what is’t you buy? rattles, drums, babies—Busy.Peace, with thy apocryphal wares, thou profane publican; thy bells, thy dragons, and thy Tobie’s dogs. Thy hobby-horse is an idol, a very idol, a fierce and rank idol; and thou, the Nebuchadnezzar, the proud Nebuchadnezzar of the Fair, that sett’st it up, for children to fall down to, and worship.Leath.Cry you mercy, sir; will you buy a fiddle to fill up your noise?Re-enterLITTLEWITand hisWife.Lit.Look, Win, do, look a God’s name, and save your longing. Here be fine sights.Pure.Ay, child, so you hate them, as our brother Zeal does, you may look on them.Leath.Or what do you say to a drum, sir?Busy.It is the broken belly of the beast, and thy bellows there are his lungs, and these pipes are his throat, those feathers are of his tail, and thy rattles the gnashing of his teeth.Trash.And what’s my gingerbread, I pray you?Busy.The provender that pricks him up. Hence with thy basket of popery, thy nest of images, and whole legend of ginger-work.Leath.Sir, if you be not quiet the quicklier, I’ll have you clapp’d fairly by the heels, for disturbing the Fair.Busy.The sin of the Fair provokes me, I cannot be silent.Pure.Good brother Zeal!Leath.Sir, I’ll make you silent, believe it.Lit.I’d give a shilling you could, i’faith, friend. [Aside to Leatherhead.Leath.Sir, give me your shilling, I’ll give you my shop, if I do not; and I’ll leave it in pawn with you in the mean time.Lit.A match, i’faith; but do it quickly then.[Exit Leatherhead.Busy.[to Mrs. Purecraft.] Hinder me not, woman I was moved in spirit, to be here this day, in this Fair, this wicked and foul Fair; and fitter may it be called a Foul than a Fair; to protest against the abuses of it, the foul abuses of it, in regard of the afflicted saints, that are troubled, very much troubled, exceedingly troubled, with the opening of the merchandise of Babylon again, and the peeping of popery upon the stalls here, here, in the high places. See you not Goldylocks, the purple strumpet there, in her yellow gown and green sleeves? the profane pipes, the tinkling timbrels? a shop of relicks![Attempts to seize the toys.Lit.Pray you forbear, I am put in trust with them.Busy.And this idolatrous grove of images, this flasket of idols, which I will pull down—[Overthrows the gingerbread basket.Trash.O my ware, my ware! God bless it!Busy.In my zeal and glory to be thus exercised.Re-enterLEATHERHEAD,withBRISTLE, HAGGISE,and otherOfficers.Leath.Here he is, pray you lay hold on his zeal; we cannot sell a whistle for him in tune. Stop his noise first.Busy.Thou canst not; ’tis a sanctified noise: I will make a loud and most strong noise, till I have daunted the profane enemy. And for this cause—Leath.Sir, here’s no man afraid of you, or your cause. You shall swear it in the stocks, sir.Busy.I will thrust myself into the stocks, upon the pikes of the land.[They seize him.Leath.Carry him away.Pure.What do you mean, wicked men?Busy.Let them alone, I fear them not.[Exeunt Officers with Busy, followed by Dame Purecraft.Lit.Was not this shilling well ventured, Win, for our liberty? now we may go play, and see over the Fair, where we list ourselves: my mother is gone after him, and let her e’en go, and lose us.Mrs. Lit.Yes, John; but I know not what to do.Lit.For what, Win?Mrs. Lit.For a thing I am ashamed to tell you, i’faith; and ’tis too far to go home.Lit.I pray thee be not ashamed, Win. Come, i’faith, thou shalt not be ashamed: is it any thing about the hobby-horse man? an’t be, speak freely.Mrs. Lit.Hang him, base Bobchin, I scorn him; no, I have very great what sha’ call ’um, John.[Whispers him.Lit.O, is that all, Win? we’ll go back to captain Jordan, to the pig-woman’s, Win, he’ll help us, or she, with a dripping-pan, or an old kettle, or something. The poor greasy soul loves you, Win; and after we’ll visit the Fair all over, Win, and see my puppet-play, Win; you know it’s a fine matter, Win.[Exeunt Littlewit and Mrs. Littlewit.Leath.Let’s away; I counsell’d you to pack up afore, Joan.Trash.A pox of his Bedlam purity! He has spoiled half my ware; but the best is, we lose nothing if we miss our first merchant.Leath.It shall be hard for him to find or know us, when we are translated, Joan.[Exeunt.

SCENE I.—The Fair.

LANTHORNLEATHERHEAD, JOANTRASH,and others, sitting by their wares, as before.

EnterWHIT, HAGGISE,andBRISTLE.

Whit.Nay, tish all gone, now! dish tish, phen tou wilt not be phitin call, master offisher, phat ish a man te better to lishen out noyshes for tee, and ton art in an oder orld, being very shuffishient noyshes and gallantsh too? one o’ their brabblesh would have fed ush all dish fortnight, but tou art so bushy about beggersh still, tou hast no leshure to intend shentlemen, and’t be.

Hag.Why, I told you, Davy Bristle.

Bri.Come, come, you told me a pudding, Toby Haggise; a matter of nothing; I am sure it came to nothing. You said, let’s go to Ursula’s, indeed; but then you met the man with the monsters, and I could not get you from him. An old fool, not leave seeing yet!

Hag.Why, who would have thought any body would have quarrell’d so early; or that the ale o’ the fair would have been up so soon?

Whit.Phy, phat a clock toest tou tink it ish, man?

Hag.I cannot tell.

Whit.Tou art a vish vatchman, i’ te mean teem.

Hag.Why, should the watch go by the clock, or the clock by the watch, I pray?

Bri.One should go by another, if they did well.

Whit.Tou art right now! phen didst tou ever know or hear of a shuffishient vatchment, but he did tell the clock, phat bushiness soever he had?

Bri.Nay, that’s most true, a sufficient watchman knows what a clock it is.

Whit.Shleeping or vaking: ash well as te clock himshelf, or te Jack dat shtrikes him.

Bri.Let’s enquire of master Leatherhead, or Joan Trash here.—Master Leatherhead, do you hear, master Leatherhead?

Whit.If it be a Ledderhead, tish a very tick Ledderhead, tat sho mush noish vill not piersh him.

Leath.I have a little business now, good friends, do not trouble me.

Whit.Phat, because o’ ty wrought neet-cap, and ty phelvet sherkin, man? phy! I have sheene tee in ty ledder sherkin, ere now, mashter o’ de hobby-horses, as bushy and stately as tou sheemest to be.

Trash.Why, what an you have, captain Whit? he has his choice of jerkins, you may see by that, and his caps too, I assure you, when he pleases to be either sick or employed.

Leath.God-a-mercy, Joan, answer for me.

Whit.Away, be not sheen in my company, here be shentlemen, and men of vorship.

[Exeunt Haggise and Bristle.

EnterQUARLOUSandWINWIFE.

Quar.We had wonderful ill luck, to miss this prologue o’ the purse: but the best is, we shall have five acts of him ere night: he’ll be spectacle enough, I’ll answer for’t.

Whit.O creesh, duke Quarlous, how dosht tou? tou dosht not know me, I fear: I am te vishesht man, but justish Overdo, in all Bartholomew Fair now. Give me twelve-pence from tee, I vill help tee to a vife vorth forty marks for’t, and’t be.

Quar.Away, rogue; pimp, away.

Whit.And she shall shew tee as fine cut orke for’t in her shmock too as tou cansht vish i’faith; vilt tou have her, vorshipful Vinvife? I vill help tee to her here, be an’t be, into pig-quarter, gi’ me ty twelve-pence from tee.

Winw.Why, there’s twelve-pence, pray thee wilt thou begone?

Whit.Tou art a vorthy man, and a vorshipful man still.

Quar.Get you gone, rascal.

Whit.I do mean it, man. Prinsh Quarlous, if tou hasht need on me, tou shalt find me here at Ursla’s, I vill see phat ale and punque ish i’ te pigsty for tee, bless ty good vorship.

[Exit.

Quar.Look! who comes here: John Littlewit!

Winw.And his wife, and my widow, her mother: the whole family.

Quar.’Slight, you must give them all fairings now.

Winw.Not I, I’ll not see them.

Quar.They are going a feasting. What schoolmaster’s that is with ’em?

Winw.That’s my rival, I believe, the baker.

EnterRabbi BUSY, Dame PURECRAFT, JOHNLITTLEWIT,andMrs. LITTLEWIT.

Busy.So, walk on in the middle way, fore-right, turn neither to the right hand nor to the left; let not your eyes be drawn aside with vanity, nor your ear with noises.

Quar.O, I know him by that start.

Leath.What do you lack, what do you buy, mistress? a fine hobby-horse, to make your son a tilter? a drum to make him a soldier? a fiddle to make him a reveller? what is’t you lack? little dogs for your daughters? or babies, male or female?

Busy.Look not toward them, hearken not; the place is Smithfield, or the field of smiths, the grove of hobby-horses and trinkets, the wares are the wares of devils, and the whole Fair is the shop of Satan: they are hooks and baits, very baits, that are hung out on every side, to catch you, and to hold you, as it were, by the gills, and by the nostrils, as the fisher doth; therefore you must not look nor turn toward them.—The heathen man could stop his ears with wax against the harlot of the sea; do you the like with your fingers against the bells of the beast.

Winw.What flashes come from him!

Quar.O, he has those of his oven; a notable hot baker, ’twas when he plied the peel; he is leading his flock into the Fair now.

Winw.Rather driving them to the pens: for he will let them look upon nothing.

EnterKNOCKEMandWHITfromURSULA’Sbooth.

Knock.Gentlewomen, the weather’s hot; whither walk you? have a care of your fine velvet caps, the Fair is dusty. Take a sweet delicate booth, with boughs, here in the way, and cool yourselves in the shade; you and your friends. The best pig and bottle-ale in the Fair, sir. Old Ursula is cook, there you may read; [points to the sign, a pig’s head, with a large writing under it.] the pig’s head speaks it. Poor soul, she has had a string-halt, the maryhinchco; but she’s prettily amended.

Whit.A delicate show-pig, little mistress, with shweet sauce, and crackling, like de bay-leaf i’ de fire, la! tou shalt ha’ de clean side o’ de table-clot, and di glass vash’d with phatersh of dame Annesh Cleare.

Lit.[gazing at the inscription.] This is fine verily.Here be the best pigs, and she does roast them as well as ever she did, the pig’s head says.

Knock.Excellent, excellent, mistress; with fire o’ juniper and rosemary branches! the oracle of the pig’s head, that, sir.

Pure.Son, were you not warn’d of the vanity of the eye? have you forgot the wholesome admonition so soon?

Lit.Good mother, how shall we find a pig, if we do not look about for’t: will it run off o’ the spit, into our mouths, think you, as in Lubberland, and cry,wee, wee!

Busy.No, but your mother, religiously-wise, conceiveth it may offer itself by other means to the sense, as by way of steam, which I think it doth here in this place—huh, huh—yes, it doth. [He scents after it like a hound.] And it were a sin of obstinacy, great obstinacy, high and horrible obstinacy, to decline or resist the good titillation of the famelic sense, which is the smell. Therefore be bold—huh, huh, huh—follow the scent: enter the tents of the unclean, for once, and satisfy your wife’s frailty. Let your frail wife be satisfied; your zealous mother, and my suffering self, will also be satisfied.

Lit.Come, Win, as good winny here as go farther, and see nothing.

Busy.We scape so much of the other vanities, by our early entering.

Pure.It is an edifying consideration.

Mrs. Lit.This is scurvy, that we must come into the Fair, and not look on’t.

Lit.Win, have patience, Win, I’ll tell you more anon.

[Exeunt, into the booth, Littlewit, Mrs. Littlewit, Busy, and Purecraft.

Knock.Mooncalf, entertain within there, the best pig in the booth, a pork-like pig. These are Banbury-bloods, o’ the sincere stud, come a pig-hunting. Whit, wait, Whit, look to your charge.

[Exit Whit.

Busy.[within.] A pig prepare presently, let a pig be prepared to us.

EnterMOONCALFandURSULA.

Moon.’Slight, who be these?

Urs.Is this the good service, Jordan, you’d do me?

Knock.Why, Urse, why, Urse? thou’lt have vapours i’ thy leg again presently, pray thee go in, it may turn to the scratches else.

Urs.Hang your vapours, they are stale, and stink like you! Are these the guests o’ the game you promised to fill my pit withal to-day?

Knock.Ay, what ail they, Urse?

Urs.Ail they! they are all sippers, sippers o’ the city; they look as they would not drink off two pen’orth of bottle-ale amongst ’em.

Moon.A body may read that in their small printed ruffs.

Knock.Away, thou art a fool, Urse, and thy Mooncalf too: in your ignorant vapours now! hence! good guests, I say, right hypocrites, good gluttons. In, and set a couple o’ pigs on the board, and half a dozen of the biggest bottles afore ’em, and callWhit. [Exit Mooncalf.] I do not love to hear innocents abused; fine ambling hypocrites! and a stone puritan with a sorrel head and beard! good mouth’d gluttons; two to a pig, away.

Urs.Are you sure they are such?

Knock.O’ the right breed, thou shalt try ’em by the teeth, Urse; where’s this Whit?

Re-enterWHIT.

Whit.Behold, man, and see,What a worthy man am ee!With the fury of my sword,And the shaking of my beard,I will make ten thousand men afeard.

Whit.Behold, man, and see,

What a worthy man am ee!

With the fury of my sword,

And the shaking of my beard,

I will make ten thousand men afeard.

Knock.Well said, brave Whit! in, andfearthe ale out o’ the bottles into the bellies of the brethren, and . . . the sisters drink to the cause, and pure vapours.

[Exeunt Knockem, Whit, and Ursula.

Quar.My roarer is turn’d tapster, methinks. Now were a fine time for thee, Winwife, to lay aboard thy widow, thou’lt never be master of a better season or place; she that will venture herself into the Fair and a pig-box, will admit any assault, be assured of that.

Winw.I love not enterprises of that suddenness though.

Quar.I’ll warrant thee, then, no wife out of the widow’s hundred: if I had but as much title to her, as to have breathed once on that straight stomacher of hers, I would now assure myself to carry her, yet, ere she went out of Smithfield; or she should carry me, which were the fitter sight, I confess. But you are a modest undertaker, by circumstances and degrees; come, ’tis disease in thee, not judgment; I should offer at all together.—

EnterOVERDO.

Look, here’s the poor fool again, that was stung by the Waspe erewhile.

Over.I will make no more orations, shall draw on these tragical conclusions. And I begin now to think, that by a spice of collateral justice, Adam Overdo deserved this beating; for I, the said Adam, was one cause (a by-cause) why the purse was lost; and my wife’s brother’s purse too, which they know not of yet. But I shall make very good mirth with it at supper, that will be the sport, and put my little friend, master Humphrey Waspe’s choler quite out of countenance: when, sitting at the upper end of my table, as I use, and drinking to my brother Cokes, and mistress Alice Overdo, as I will, my wife, for their good affection to old Bradley, I deliver to them, it was I that was cudgeled, and shew them the marks. To see what bad events may peep out o’ the tail of good purposes! the care I had of that civil young man I took fancy to this morning, (and have not left it yet,) drew me to that exhortation, which drew the company indeed; which drew the cut-purse; which drew the money; which drew my brother Cokes his loss; which drew onWaspe’s anger; which drew on my beating: a pretty gradation! and they shall have it in their dish, i’faith, at night for fruit; I love to be merry at my table. I had thought once, at one special blow he gave me, to have revealed myself; but then (I thank thee, fortitude) I remembered that a wise man, and who is ever so great a part of the commonwealth in himself, for no particular disaster ought to abandon a public good design. The husbandman ought not, for one unthankful year, to forsake the plough; the shepherd ought not, for one scabbed sheep, to throw by his tar-box; the pilot ought not, for one leak in the poop, to quit the helm; nor the alderman ought not, for one custard more at a meal, to give up his cloke; the constable ought not to break his staff, and forswear the watch, for one roaring night; nor the piper of the parish,ut parvis componere magna solebam, to put up his pipes for one rainy Sunday. These are certain knocking conclusions; out of which, I am resolved, come what come can, come beating, come imprisonment, come infamy, come banishment, nay, come the rack, come the hurdle, (welcome all,) I will not discover who I am, till my due time; and yet still, all shall be, as I said ever, in justice name, and the king’s, and for the commonwealth.

[Exit Overdo.

Winw.What does he talk to himself, and act so seriously, poor fool!

Quar.No matter what. Here’s fresher argument, intend that.

EnterCOKES, Mistress OVERDO,andGRACEWELLBORN,followed byWASPE,loaded with toys.

Cokes.Come, mistress Grace, come, sister, here’s more fine sights yet, i’faith. Od’s ’lid, where’s Numps?

Leath.What do you lack, gentlemen? what is’t you buy? fine rattles, drums, babies, little dogs, and birds for ladies? what do you lack?

Cokes.Good honest Numps, keep afore, I am so afraid thou’lt lose somewhat; my heart was at my mouth, when I mist thee.

Waspe.You were best buy a whip in your hand to drive me.

Cokes.Nay, do not mistake, Numps; thou art so apt to mistake! I would but watch the goods. Look you now, the treble fiddle was e’en almost like to be lost.

Waspe.Pray you take heed you lose not yourself; your best way were e’en get up and ride for more surety. Buy a token’s worth of great pins, to fasten yourself to my shoulder.

Leath.What do you lack, gentlemen? fine purses, pouches, pincases, pipes? what is’t you lack? a pair o’ smiths to wake you in the morning? or a fine whistling bird?

Cokes.Numps, here be finer things than any we have bought by odds! and more delicate horses, a great deal; good Numps, stay, and come hither.

Waspe.Will you scourse with him? you are in Smithfield, you may fit yourself with a fine easy-going street-nag, for your saddle, again Michaelmas term, do: has he ne’er a little odd cart for youto make a caroch on, in the country, with four pied hobby-horses? Why the measles should you stand here, with your train, cheapning of dogs, birds, and babies? you have no children to bestow them on, have you?

Cokes.No, but again I have children, Numps, that’s all one.

Waspe.Do, do, do, do; how many shall you have, think you? an I were as you, I’d buy for all my tenants too, they are a kind of civil savages, that will part with their children for rattles, pipes, and knives. You were best buy a hatchet or two, and truck with ’em.

Cokes.Good Numps, hold that little tongue o’ thine, and save it a labour. I am resolute Bat, thou know’st.

Waspe.A resolute fool you are, I know, and a very sufficient coxcomb; with all my heart;—nay, you have it, sir, an you be angry, turd in your teeth, twice; if I said it not once afore, and much good do you.

Winw.Was there ever such a self-affliction, and so impertinent?

Quar.Alas, his care will go near to crack him; let’s in and comfort him.

[They come forward.

Waspe.Would I had been set in the ground, all but the head on me, and had my brains bowled at, or threshed out, when first I underwent this plague of a charge!

Quar.How now, Numps! almost tired in your protectorship? overparted, overparted?

Waspe.Why, I cannot tell, sir, it may be I am; does it grieve you?

Quar.No, I swear does’t not, Numps; to satisfy you.

Waspe.Numps! ’sblood, you are fine and familiar: how long have we been acquainted, I pray you?

Quar.I think it may be remembered, Numps, that; ’twas since morning, sure.

Waspe.Why, I hope I know’t well enough, sir; I did not ask to be told.

Quar.No! why, then?

Waspe.It’s no matter why; you see with your eyes now, what I said to you to-day: you’ll believe me another time?

Quar.Are you removing the Fair, Numps?

Waspe.A pretty question, and a civil one! yes faith, I have my lading, you see, or shall have anon; you may know whose beast I am by my burden. If the pannier-man’s jack were ever better known by his loins of mutton, I’ll be flayed, and feed dogs for him when his time comes.

Winw.How melancholic mistress Grace is yonder! pray thee let’s go enter ourselves in grace with her.

Cokes.Those six horses, friend, I’ll have—

Waspe.How!

Cokes.And the three Jew’s-trumps; and half a dozen o’ birds, and that drum, (I have one drum already) and your smiths; I like that device of your smiths, very pretty well; and four halberts—and,let me see, that fine painted great lady, and her three women for state, I’ll have.

Waspe.No, the shop; buy the whole shop, it will be best, the shop, the shop!

Leath.If his worship please.

Waspe.Yes, and keep it during the Fair, Bobchin.

Cokes.Peace, Numps.—Friend, do not meddle with him, an you be wise, and would shew your head above board; he will sting thorough your wrought night-cap, believe me. A set of these violins I would buy too, for a delicate young noise I have in the country, that are every one a size less than another, just like your fiddles. I would fain have a fine young masque at my marriage, now I think on’t: But I do want such a number of things!—And Numps will not help me now, and I dare not speak to him.

Trash.Will your worship buy any gingerbread, very good bread, comfortable bread?

Cokes.Gingerbread! yes, let’s see.

[Runs to her shop.

Waspe.There’s the t’other springe.

Leath.Is this well, goody Joan, to interrupt my market in the midst, and call away my customers? can you answer this at the Pie-poudres?

Trash.Why, if his mastership has a mind to buy, I hope my ware lies as open as another’s; I may shew my ware as well as you yours.

Cokes.Hold your peace; I’ll content you both: I’ll buy up his shop, and thy basket.

Waspe.Will you, i’faith?

Leath.Why should you put him from it, friend?

Waspe.Cry you mercy! you’d be sold too, would you? what’s the price on you, jerkin and all, as you stand? have you any qualities?

Trash.Yes, good man, angry-man, you shall find he has qualities if you cheapen him.

Waspe.Od’s so, you have the selling of him! What are they, will they be bought for love or money?

Trash.No indeed, sir.

Waspe.For what then, victuals?

Trash.He scorns victuals, sir; he has bread and butter at home, thanks be to God! and yet he will do more for a good meal, if the toy take him in the belly; marry then they must not set him at lower ends, if they do, he’ll go away, though he fast; but put him a-top o’ the table, where his place is, and he’ll do you forty fine things. He has not been sent for, and sought out for nothing, at your great city-suppers, to put down Coriat and Cokely, and been laughed at for his labour; he’ll play you all the puppets in the town over, and the players, every company, and his own company too; he spares nobody.

Cokes.I’faith?

Trash.He was the first, sir, that ever baited the fellow in thebear’s skin, an’t like your worship: no dog ever came near him since. And for fine motions!

Cokes.Is he good at those too? can he set out a masque, trow?

Trash.O lord, master! sought to far and near for his inventions; and he engrosses all, he makes all the puppets in the Fair.

Cokes.Dost thou, in troth, old velvet jerkin? give me thy hand.

Trash.Nay, sir, you shall see him in his velvet jerkin, and a scarf too at night, when you hear him interpret master Littlewit’s motion.

Cokes.Speak no more, but shut up shop presently, friend, I’ll buy both it and thee too, to carry down with me; and her hamper beside. Thy shop shall furnish out the masque, and her’s the banquet: I cannot go less, to set out any thing with credit. What’s the price, at a word, of thy whole shop, case and all as it stands?

Leath.Sir, it stands me in six and twenty shillings seven-pence halfpenny, besides three shillings for my ground.

Cokes.Well, thirty shillings will do all, then! and what comes yours to?

Trash.Four shillings and eleven-pence, sir, ground and all, an’t like your worship.

Cokes.Yes, it does like my worship very well, poor woman; that’s five shillings more: what a masque shall I furnish out, for forty shillings, twenty pound Scotch, and a banquet of gingerbread! there’s a stately thing! Numps? sister?—and my wedding gloves too! that I never thought on afore! All my wedding gloves gingerbread? O me! what a device will there be, to make ’em eat their fingers’ ends! and delicate brooches for the bridemen and all! and then I’ll have this poesie put to them,For the best grace, meaning mistress Grace, my wedding poesie.

Grace.I am beholden to you, sir, and to your Bartholomew wit.

Waspe.You do not mean this, do you? Is this your first purchase?

Cokes.Yes, faith: and I do not think, Numps, but thou’lt say, it was the wisest act that ever I did in my wardship.

Waspe.Like enough! I shall say any thing, I!

EnterEDGWORTH, NIGHTINGALEand People, followed, at a distance, byOVERDO.

Over.I cannot beget a project, with all my political brain yet: my project is how to fetch off this proper young man from his debauched company. I have followed him all the Fair over, and still I find him with this songster, and I begin shrewdly to suspect their familiarity; and the young man of a terrible taint, poetry! with which idle disease if he be infected, there’s no hope of him, in a state-course.Actum estof him for a commonwealth’s-man, if he go to’t in rhyme once. [Aside.

Edg.[to Nightingale.] Yonder he is buying of gingerbread; set in quickly, before he part with too much of his money.

Night.[advancing and singing.]My masters, and friends, and good people, draw near—

Cokes.[runs to the ballad-man.] Ballads! hark! hark! pray thee, fellow, stay a little; good Numps, look to the goods. What ballads hast thou? let me see, let me see myself.

Waspe.Why so! he’s flown to another lime-bush, there he will flutter as long more; till he have ne’er a feather left. Is there a vexation like this, gentlemen? will you believe me now, hereafter, shall I have credit with you?

Quar.Yes, faith shalt thou, Numps, and thou art worthy on’t, for thou sweatest for’t. I never saw a young pimp-errant and his squire better match’d.

Winw.Faith, the sister comes after them well too.

Grace.Nay, if you saw the justice her husband, my guardian, you were fitted for the mess, he is such a wise one his way—

Winw.I wonder we see him not here.

Grace.O! he is too serious for this place, and yet better sport then than the other three, I assure you, gentlemen, wherever he is, though it be on the bench.

Cokes.How dost thou call it?A caveat against cut-purses!a good jest, i’faith, I would fain see that demon, your cut-purse you talk of, that delicate-handed devil; they say he walks hereabout; I would see him walk now. Look you, sister, here, here [he shews his purse boastingly], let him come, sister, and welcome. Ballad-man, does any cut-purses haunt hereabout? pray thee raise me one or two; begin, and shew me one.

Night.Sir, this is a spell against them, spick and span new; and ’tis made as ’twere in mine own person, and I sing it in mine own defence. But ’twill cost a penny alone, if you buy it.

Cokes.No matter for the price; thou dost not know me, I see, I am an odd Bartholomew.

Mrs. Over.Has it a fine picture, brother?

Cokes.O, sister, do you remember the ballads over the nursery chimney at home o’ my own pasting up? there be brave pictures, other manner of pictures than these, friend.

Waspe.Yet these will serve to pick the pictures out of your pockets, you shall see.

Cokes.So I heard them say! Pray thee mind him not, fellow; he’ll have an oar in every thing.

Night.It was intended, sir, as if a purse should chance to be cut in my presence, now, I may be blameless though; as by the sequel will more plainly appear.

Cokes.We shall find that in the matter: pray thee begin.

Night.To the tune of Paggington’s pound, sir.

Cokes.[sings.]Fa, la la la, la la la, fa, la la la!Nay, I’ll put thee in tune and all; mine own country dance! Pray thee begin.

Night.It is a gentle admonition, you must know, sir, both to the purse-cutter and the purse-bearer.

Cokes.Not a word more out of the tune, an thou lov’st me;Fa, la la la, la la la, fa, la la la.Come, when?

Night.[sings.]My masters, and friends, and good people, draw near,And look to your purses, for that I do say;

Night.[sings.]My masters, and friends, and good people, draw near,

And look to your purses, for that I do say;

Cokes.Ha, ha, this chimes! Good counsel at first dash.

Night.And tho’ little money in them you do bear,It costs more to get, than to lose in a day.

Night.And tho’ little money in them you do bear,

It costs more to get, than to lose in a day.

Cokes.Good!

Night.You oft have been told,Both the young and the old,And bidden beware of the cut-purse so bold;

Night.You oft have been told,

Both the young and the old,

And bidden beware of the cut-purse so bold;

Cokes.Well said! he were to blame that would not, i’faith.

Night.Then if you take heed not, free me from the curse,Who both give you warning, for, and the cut-purse.Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starved by thy nurse,Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse.

Night.Then if you take heed not, free me from the curse,

Who both give you warning, for, and the cut-purse.

Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starved by thy nurse,

Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse.

Cokes.Good, i’faith; how say you, Numps, is there any harm in this?

Night.It hath been upbraided to men of my trade,That oftentimes we are the cause of this crime;

Night.It hath been upbraided to men of my trade,

That oftentimes we are the cause of this crime;

Cokes.The more coxcombs they that did it, I wusse.

Night.Alack and for pity, why should it be said?As if they regarded or places or time!Examples have beenOf some that were seenIn Westminster-hall, yea the pleaders between;Then why should the judges be free from this curse,More than my poor self, for cutting the purse?

Night.Alack and for pity, why should it be said?

As if they regarded or places or time!

Examples have been

Of some that were seen

In Westminster-hall, yea the pleaders between;

Then why should the judges be free from this curse,

More than my poor self, for cutting the purse?

Cokes.God a mercy for that! why should they be more free indeed?

Night.Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starved by thy nurse,Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse.

Night.Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starved by thy nurse,

Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse.

Cokes.That again, good ballad-man, that again. [He sings the burden with him.] O rare! I would fain rub mine elbow now, but I dare not pull out my hand.—On, I pray thee; he that made this ballad shall be poet to my masque.

Night.At Worc’ster, ’tis known well, and even in the jail,A knight of good worship did there shew his face,Against the foul sinners, in zeal for to rail,And lostipso factohis purse in the place.

Night.At Worc’ster, ’tis known well, and even in the jail,

A knight of good worship did there shew his face,

Against the foul sinners, in zeal for to rail,

And lostipso factohis purse in the place.

Cokes.Is it possible?

Night.Nay, once from the seatOf judgment so great,A judge there did lose a fair pouch of velvéte.

Night.Nay, once from the seat

Of judgment so great,

A judge there did lose a fair pouch of velvéte.

Cokes.I’faith?

Night.O Lord for thy mercy, how wicked or worse,Are those that so venture their necks for a purse!Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starv’d by thy nurse,Than lived to be hanged for cutting a purse.

Night.O Lord for thy mercy, how wicked or worse,

Are those that so venture their necks for a purse!

Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starv’d by thy nurse,

Than lived to be hanged for cutting a purse.

Cokes.[sings after him.]Youth, youth, etc.—Pray thee, stay a little, friend. Yet o’ thy conscience, Numps, speak, is there any harm in this?

Waspe.To tell you true, ’tis too good for you, less you had grace to follow it.

Over.It doth discover enormity, I’ll mark it more: I have not liked a paltry piece of poetry so well a good while. [Aside.

Cokes.Youth, youth, etc.;where’s this youth now? a man must call upon him for his own good, and yet he will not appear. Look here, here’s for him; [shews his purse.] handy dandy, which hand will he have? On, I pray thee, with the rest; I do hear of him, but I cannot see him, this master youth, the cut-purse.

Night.At plays, and at sermons, and at the sessions,’Tis daily their practice such booty to make.Yea under the gallows at executions,They stick not the stare-abouts’ purses to take.Nay one without grace,At a[far]better place,At court, and in Christmas, before the king’s face.

Night.At plays, and at sermons, and at the sessions,

’Tis daily their practice such booty to make.

Yea under the gallows at executions,

They stick not the stare-abouts’ purses to take.

Nay one without grace,

At a[far]better place,

At court, and in Christmas, before the king’s face.

Cokes.That was a fine fellow! I would have him now.

Night.Alack then for pity must I bear the curse,That only belongs to the cunning cut-purse?

Night.Alack then for pity must I bear the curse,

That only belongs to the cunning cut-purse?

Cokes.But where’s their cunning now, when they should use it? they are all chain’d now, I warrant you. [Sings.]Youth, youth, thou had’st better—The rat-catchers’ charms are all fools and asses to this: a pox on them, that they will not come! that a man should have such a desire to a thing, and want it!

Quar.’Fore God I’d give half the Fair, an ’twere mine, for a cut-purse for him, to save his longing.

Cokes.Look you, sister [shews his purse again], here, here, where is’t now? which pocket is’t in, for a wager?

Waspe.I beseech you leave your wagers, and let him end his matter, an’t may be.

Cokes.O, are you edified, Numps!

Over.Indeed he does interrupt him too much: there Numps spoke to purpose. [Aside.

Cokes.Sister, I am an ass, I cannot keep my purse! [Shews it again, and puts it up.]—On, on, I pray thee, friend.

Night.Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starv’d by thy nurse,Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse.

Night.Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starv’d by thy nurse,

Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse.

[As Nightingale sings, Edgworth gets up to Cokes, and tickles him in the ear with a straw twice to draw his hand out of his pocket.

Winw.Will you see sport? look, there’s a fellow gathers up to him, mark.

Quar.Good, i’faith! O he has lighted on the wrong pocket.

Winw.He has it! ’fore God, he is a brave fellow: pity he should be detected.

Night.But O, you vile nation of cut-purses all,Relent and repent, and amend and be sound,And know that you ought not, by honest men’s fall,Advance your own fortunes, to die above ground;And though you go gayIn silks, as you may,It is not the highway to heaven(as they say).Repent then, repent you, for better, for worse,And kiss not the gallows for cutting a purse.Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starv’d by thy nurse,Than live to be hang’d for cutting a purse.

Night.But O, you vile nation of cut-purses all,

Relent and repent, and amend and be sound,

And know that you ought not, by honest men’s fall,

Advance your own fortunes, to die above ground;

And though you go gay

In silks, as you may,

It is not the highway to heaven(as they say).

Repent then, repent you, for better, for worse,

And kiss not the gallows for cutting a purse.

Youth, youth, thou had’st better been starv’d by thy nurse,

Than live to be hang’d for cutting a purse.

All.An excellent ballad! an excellent ballad!

Edg.Friend, let me have the first, let me have the first, I pray you.

[As Nightingale reaches out the ballad, Edgworth slips the purse into his hand.

Cokes.Pardon me, sir; first come first serv’d; and I’ll buy the whole bundle too.

Winw.That conveyance was better than all, did you see’t? he has given the purse to the ballad-singer.

Quar.Has he?

Edg.Sir, I cry you mercy, I’ll not hinder the poor man’s profit; pray you, mistake me not.

Cokes.Sir, I take you for an honest gentleman, if that be mistaking; I met you to-day afore: ha! humph! O Lord! my purse is gone, my purse, my purse, my purse!

Waspe.Come do not make a stir, and cry yourself an ass thorough the Fair afore your time.

Cokes.Why, hast thou it, Numps? good Numps, how came you by it, I marle?

Waspe.I pray you seek some other gamester to play the fool with; you may lose it time enough, for all your Fair wit.

Cokes.By this good hand, glove and all, I have lost it already if thou hast it not; feel else, and mistress Grace’s handkerchief too, out of the t’other pocket.

Waspe.Why, ’tis well, very well, exceeding pretty and well.

Edg.Are you sure you have lost it, sir?

Cokes.O Lord! yes; as I am an honest man, I had it but e’en now, atYouth, youth.

Night.I hope you suspect not me, sir?

Edg.Thee! that were a jest indeed! dost thou think the gentleman is foolish? where hadst thou hands, I pray thee? Away, ass, away!

[Exit Nightingale.

Over.I shall be beaten again, if I be spied. [Aside, retiring.

Edg.Sir, I suspect an odd fellow, yonder, is stealing away.

Mrs. Over.Brother, it is the preaching fellow: you shall suspect him. He was at your t’other purse, you know! [Seizes Overdo.]—Nay, stay, sir, and view the work you have done; an you be beneficed at the gallows, and preach there, thank your own handy-work.

Cokes.Sir, you shall take no pride in your preferment, you shall be silenced quickly.

[They seize Overdo.

Over.What do you mean, sweet buds of gentility?

Cokes.To have my pennyworths out on you, bud. No less than two purses a day serve you! I thought you a simple fellow, when my man Numps beat you in the morning, and pitied you.

Mrs. Over.So did I. I’ll be sworn, brother; but now I see he is a lewd and pernicious enormity, as master Overdo calls him.

Over.Mine own words turn’d upon me like swords! [Aside.

Cokes.Cannot a man’s purse be at quiet for you in the master’s pocket, but you must entice it forth, and debauch it!

[Overdo is carried off.

Waspe.Sir, sir, keep your debauch, and your fine Bartholomew terms to yourself, and make as much on ’em as you please. But give me this from you in the mean time; I beseech you, see if I can look to this.

Cokes.Why, Numps?

Waspe.Why! because you are an ass, sir, there’s a reason the shortest way, an you will needs have it: now you have got the trick of losing, you’d lose your breech an ’twere loose. I know you, sir, come, deliver [takes the box from him], you’ll go and crack the vermin you breed now, will you? ’tis very fine; will you have the truth on’t? they are such retchless flies as you are, that blow cut-purses abroad in every corner; your foolish having of money makes them. An there were no wiser than I, sir, the trade should lie open for you, sir, it should, i’faith, sir. I would teach your wit to come to your head, sir, as well as your land to come into your hand, I assure you, sir.

Winw.Alack, good Numps!

Waspe.Nay, gentlemen, never pity me. I am not worth it: Lord send me at home once to Harrow o’ the Hill, again, if I travel any more, call me Coriat with all my heart.

[Exeunt Waspe, Cokes, and Mrs. Overdo, followed by Edgworth.

Quar.[stops Edgworth.] Stay, sir, I must have a word with you in private. Do you hear?

Edg.With me, sir! what’s your pleasure, good sir?

Quar.Do not deny it, you are a cut-purse, sir, this gentleman here and I saw you: nor do we mean to detect you, though we can sufficiently inform ourselves toward the danger of concealing you; but you must do us a piece of service.

Edg.Good gentlemen, do not undo me; I am a civil young man, and but a beginner indeed.

Quar.Sir, your beginning shall bring on your ending for us: we are no catchpoles nor constables. That you are to undertake is this: you saw the old fellow with the black box here?

Edg.The little old governor, sir?

Quar.That same: I see you have flown him to a mark already. I would have you get away that box from him, and bring it us.

Edg.Wou’d you have the box and all, sir, or only that that is in’t? I’ll get you that, and leave him the box to play with still,which will be the harder of the two, because I would gain your worship’s good opinion of me.

Winw.He says well, ’tis the greater mastery, and ’twill make the more sport when ’tis mist.

Edg.Ay, and ’twill be the longer a missing, to draw on the sport.

Quar.But look you do it now, sirrah, and keep your word, or—

Edg.Sir, if ever I break my word with a gentleman, may I never read word at my need. Where shall I find you?

Quar.Somewhere i’ the Fair, hereabouts: dispatch it quickly. [Exit Edgworth.] I would fain see the careful fool deluded! Of all beasts, I love the serious ass; he that takes pains to be one, and plays the fool with the greatest diligence that can be.

Grace.Then you would not choose, sir, but love my guardian, justice Overdo, who is answerable to that description in every hair of him.

Quar.So I have heard. But how came you, mistress Wellborn, to be his ward, or have relation to him at first?

Grace.Faith, through a common calamity, he bought me, sir; and now he will marry me to his wife’s brother, this wise gentleman that you see; or else I must pay value o’ my land.

Quar.’Slid, is there no device of disparagement, or so? talk with some crafty fellow, some picklock of the law: would I had studied a year longer in the Inns of court, an’t had been but in your case.

Winw.Ay, master Quarlous, are you proffering! [Aside.

Grace.You’d bring but little aid, sir.

Winw.I’ll look to you, in faith, gamester. [Aside.]—An unfortunate foolish tribe you are fallen into, lady, I wonder you can endure them.

Grace.Sir, they that cannot work their fetters off must wear them.

Winw.You see what care they have on you, to leave you thus.

Grace.Faith, the same they have of themselves, sir. I cannot greatly complain, if this were all the plea I had against them.

Winw.’Tis true: but will you please to withdraw with us a little, and make them think they have lost you. I hope our manners have been such hitherto, and our language, as will give you no cause to doubt yourself in our company.

Grace.Sir, I will give myself no cause; I am so secure of mine own manners, as I suspect not yours.

Quar.Look where John Littlewit comes.

Winw.Away, I’ll not be seen by him.

Quar.No, you were not best, he’d tell his mother, the widow.

Winw.Heart! what do you mean?

Quar.Cry you mercy, is the wind there? must not the widow be named?

[Exeunt.

EnterLITTLEWITfromURSULA’Sbooth, followed byMrs. LITTLEWIT.

Lit.Do you hear, Win, Win?

Mrs. Lit.What say you, John?

Lit.While they are paying the reckoning, Win, I’ll tell you a thing, Win; we shall never see any sights in the Fair, Win, except you long still, Win: good Win, sweet Win, long to see some hobby-horses, and some drums, and rattles, and dogs, and fine devices, Win. The bull with the five legs, Win; and the great hog. Now you have begun with pig, you may long for any thing, Win, and so for my motion, Win.

Mrs. Lit.But we shall not eat of the bull and the hog, John; how shall I long then?

Lit.O yes, Win: you may long to see, as well as to taste, Win: how did the pothecary’s wife, Win, that longed to see the anatomy, Win? or the lady, Win, that desired to spit in the great lawyer’s mouth, after an eloquent pleading? I assure you, they longed, Win; good Win, go in, and long.

[Exeunt Littlewit and Mrs. Littlewit.

Trash.I think we are rid of our new customer, brother Leatherhead, we shall hear no more of him.

Leath.All the better; let’s pack up all and begone, before he find us.

Trash.Stay a little, yonder comes a company; it may be we may take some more money.

EnterKNOCKEMandBUSY.

Knock.Sir, I will take your counsel, and cut my hair, and leave vapours: I see that tobacco, and bottle-ale, and pig, and Whit, and very Ursla herself, is all vanity.

Busy.Only pig was not comprehended in my admonition, the rest were: for long hair, it is an ensign of pride, a banner; and the world is full of those banners, very full of banners. And bottle-ale is a drink of Satan’s, a diet-drink of Satan’s, devised to puff us up, and make us swell in this latter age of vanity; as the smoke of tobacco, to keep us in mist and error: but the fleshly woman, which you call Ursla, is above all to be avoided, having the marks upon her of the three enemies of man; the world, as being in the Fair; the devil, as being in the fire; and the flesh, as being herself.

EnterDame. PURECRAFT.

Pure.Brother Zeal-of-the-land! what shall we do? my daughter Win-the-fight is fallen into her fit of longing again.

Busy.For more pig! there is no more, is there?

Pure.To see some sights in the Fair.

Busy.Sister, let her fly the impurity of the place swiftly, lest she partake of the pitch thereof. Thou art the seat of the beast, O Smithfield, and I will leave thee! Idolatry peepeth out on every side of thee.

[Goes forward.

Knock.An excellent right hypocrite! now his belly is full, he falls a railing and kicking, the jade. A very good vapour! I’ll in, and joy Ursla, with telling how her pig works; two and a half he eat to his share; and he has drunk a pailful. He eats with his eyes, as well as his teeth.

[Exit.

Leath.What do you lack, gentlemen? what is’t you buy? rattles, drums, babies—

Busy.Peace, with thy apocryphal wares, thou profane publican; thy bells, thy dragons, and thy Tobie’s dogs. Thy hobby-horse is an idol, a very idol, a fierce and rank idol; and thou, the Nebuchadnezzar, the proud Nebuchadnezzar of the Fair, that sett’st it up, for children to fall down to, and worship.

Leath.Cry you mercy, sir; will you buy a fiddle to fill up your noise?

Re-enterLITTLEWITand hisWife.

Lit.Look, Win, do, look a God’s name, and save your longing. Here be fine sights.

Pure.Ay, child, so you hate them, as our brother Zeal does, you may look on them.

Leath.Or what do you say to a drum, sir?

Busy.It is the broken belly of the beast, and thy bellows there are his lungs, and these pipes are his throat, those feathers are of his tail, and thy rattles the gnashing of his teeth.

Trash.And what’s my gingerbread, I pray you?

Busy.The provender that pricks him up. Hence with thy basket of popery, thy nest of images, and whole legend of ginger-work.

Leath.Sir, if you be not quiet the quicklier, I’ll have you clapp’d fairly by the heels, for disturbing the Fair.

Busy.The sin of the Fair provokes me, I cannot be silent.

Pure.Good brother Zeal!

Leath.Sir, I’ll make you silent, believe it.

Lit.I’d give a shilling you could, i’faith, friend. [Aside to Leatherhead.

Leath.Sir, give me your shilling, I’ll give you my shop, if I do not; and I’ll leave it in pawn with you in the mean time.

Lit.A match, i’faith; but do it quickly then.

[Exit Leatherhead.

Busy.[to Mrs. Purecraft.] Hinder me not, woman I was moved in spirit, to be here this day, in this Fair, this wicked and foul Fair; and fitter may it be called a Foul than a Fair; to protest against the abuses of it, the foul abuses of it, in regard of the afflicted saints, that are troubled, very much troubled, exceedingly troubled, with the opening of the merchandise of Babylon again, and the peeping of popery upon the stalls here, here, in the high places. See you not Goldylocks, the purple strumpet there, in her yellow gown and green sleeves? the profane pipes, the tinkling timbrels? a shop of relicks!

[Attempts to seize the toys.

Lit.Pray you forbear, I am put in trust with them.

Busy.And this idolatrous grove of images, this flasket of idols, which I will pull down—

[Overthrows the gingerbread basket.

Trash.O my ware, my ware! God bless it!

Busy.In my zeal and glory to be thus exercised.

Re-enterLEATHERHEAD,withBRISTLE, HAGGISE,and otherOfficers.

Leath.Here he is, pray you lay hold on his zeal; we cannot sell a whistle for him in tune. Stop his noise first.

Busy.Thou canst not; ’tis a sanctified noise: I will make a loud and most strong noise, till I have daunted the profane enemy. And for this cause—

Leath.Sir, here’s no man afraid of you, or your cause. You shall swear it in the stocks, sir.

Busy.I will thrust myself into the stocks, upon the pikes of the land.

[They seize him.

Leath.Carry him away.

Pure.What do you mean, wicked men?

Busy.Let them alone, I fear them not.

[Exeunt Officers with Busy, followed by Dame Purecraft.

Lit.Was not this shilling well ventured, Win, for our liberty? now we may go play, and see over the Fair, where we list ourselves: my mother is gone after him, and let her e’en go, and lose us.

Mrs. Lit.Yes, John; but I know not what to do.

Lit.For what, Win?

Mrs. Lit.For a thing I am ashamed to tell you, i’faith; and ’tis too far to go home.

Lit.I pray thee be not ashamed, Win. Come, i’faith, thou shalt not be ashamed: is it any thing about the hobby-horse man? an’t be, speak freely.

Mrs. Lit.Hang him, base Bobchin, I scorn him; no, I have very great what sha’ call ’um, John.

[Whispers him.

Lit.O, is that all, Win? we’ll go back to captain Jordan, to the pig-woman’s, Win, he’ll help us, or she, with a dripping-pan, or an old kettle, or something. The poor greasy soul loves you, Win; and after we’ll visit the Fair all over, Win, and see my puppet-play, Win; you know it’s a fine matter, Win.

[Exeunt Littlewit and Mrs. Littlewit.

Leath.Let’s away; I counsell’d you to pack up afore, Joan.

Trash.A pox of his Bedlam purity! He has spoiled half my ware; but the best is, we lose nothing if we miss our first merchant.

Leath.It shall be hard for him to find or know us, when we are translated, Joan.

[Exeunt.

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