ACT IV

ACT IVSCENE I.—The Fair.Booths, Stalls, a pair of Stocks, etc.EnterCOKES, BRISTLE, HAGGISE,andPOCHER,withOVERDO,followed byTROUBLEALL.Tro.My masters, I do make no doubt, but you are officers.Bri.What then, sir?Tro.And the king’s loving and obedient subjects.Bri.Obedient, friend! take heed what you speak, I advise you; Oliver Bristle advises you. His loving subjects, we grant you; but not his obedient, at this time, by your leave; we know ourselves a little better than so; we are to command, sir, and such as you are to be obedient. Here’s one of his obedient subjects going to the stocks; and we’ll make you such another, if you talk.Tro.You are all wise enough in your places, I know.Bri.If you know it, sir, why do you bring it in question?Tro.I question nothing, pardon me. I do only hope you have warrant for what you do, and so quit you, and so multiply you.[Exit.Hag.What is he?—Bring him up to the stocks there. Why bring you him not up?[Overdo is brought forward.Re-enterTROUBLEALL.Tro.If you have justice Overdo’s warrant, ’tis well; you are safe: that is the warrant of warrants. I’ll not give this button for any man’s warrant else.Bri.Like enough, sir; but let me tell you, an you play away your buttons thus, you will want them ere night, for any store I see about you; you might keep them, and save pins, I wuss.[Exit Troubleall.Over.What should he be, that doth so esteem and advance my warrant? he seems a sober and discreet person: It is a comfort to a good conscience to be followed with a good fame in his sufferings. The world will have a pretty taste by this, how I can bear adversity; and it will beget a kind of reverence towards me hereafter, even from mine enemies, when they shall see, I carry my calamity nobly, and that it doth neither break me, nor bend me. [Aside.Hag.Come, sir, here’s a place for you to preach in. Will you put in your leg?Over.That I will, cheerfully.[They put him in the stocks.Bri.O’ my conscience, a seminary! he kisses the stocks.Cokes.Well, my masters, I’ll leave him with you; now I see him bestowed, I’ll go look for my goods, and Numps.Hag.You may, sir, I warrant you; where’s the t’other bawler? fetch him too, you shall find them both fast enough.[Exit Cokes.Over.In the midst of this tumult, I will yet be the author of mine own rest, and not minding their fury, sit in the stocks in that calm as shall be able to trouble a triumph. [Aside.Re-enterTROUBLEALL.Tro.Do you assure me upon your words? May I undertake for you, if I be asked the question, that you have this warrant?Hag.What’s this fellow, for God’s sake?Tro.Do but shew me Adam Overdo, and I am satisfied.[Exit.Bri.He is a fellow that is distracted, they say; one Troubleall: he was an officer in the court of Pie-poudres here last year, and put out of his place by justice Overdo.Over.Ha! [Aside.Bri.Upon which he took an idle conceit, and is run mad upon’t: so that ever since he will do nothing but by justice Overdo’s warrant; he will not eat a crust, nor drink a little, nor make him in his apparel ready. His wife, sir-reverence, cannot get him make his water, or shift his shirt, without his warrant.Over.If this be true, this is my greatest disaster. How am I bound to satisfy this poor man, that is of so good a nature to me, out of his wits! where there is no room left for dissembling. [Aside.Re-enterTROUBLEALL.Tro.If you cannot shew me Adam Overdo, I am in doubt of you; I am afraid you cannot answer it.[Exit.Hag.Before me, neighbour Bristle,—and now I think on’t better,—justice Overdo is a very parantory person.Bri.O, are you advised of that! and a severe justicer, by your leave.Over.Do I hear ill o’ that side too? [Aside.Bri.He will sit as upright on the bench, an you mark him, as a candle in the socket, and give light to the whole court in every business.Hag.But he will burn blue, and swell like a boil, God bless us, an he be angry.Bri.Ay, and he will be angry too, when he lists, that’s more; and when he is angry, be it right or wrong, he has the law on’s side ever; I mark that too.Over.I will be more tender hereafter. I see compassion may become a justice, though it be a weakness, I confess, and nearer a vice than a virtue. [Aside.Hag.Well, take him out o’ the stocks again; we’ll go a sure way to work, we’ll have the ace of hearts of our side, if we can.[They take Overdo out.EnterPOCHER,andOfficerswithBUSY,followed byDame PURECRAFT.Poch.Come, bring him away to his fellow there.—Master Busy, we shall rule your legs, I hope, though we cannot rule your tongue.Busy.No, minister of darkness, no; thou canst not rule my tongue; my tongue it is mine own, and with it I will both knock and mock down your Bartholomew abominations, till you be made a hissing to the neighbouring parishes round about.Hag.Let him alone, we have devised better upon’t.Pure.And shall he not into the stocks then?Bri.No, mistress, we’ll have them both to justice Overdo, and let him do over ’em as is fitting: then I, and my gossip Haggise, and my beadle Pocher, are discharged.Pure.O, I thank you, blessed honest men!Bri.Nay, never thank us; but thank this madman that comes here! he put it in our heads.Re-enterTROUBLEALL.Pure.Is he mad? now heaven increase his madness, and bless it, and thank it.—Sir, your poor handmaid thanks you.Tro.Have you a warrant? an you have a warrant, shew it.Pure.Yes, I have a warrant out of the word, to give thanks for removing any scorn intended to the brethren.[Exeunt all but Troubleall.Tro.It is justice Overdo’s warrant that I look for; if you have not that, keep your word, I’ll keep mine. Quit ye, and multiply ye.EnterEDGWORTHandNIGHTINGALE.Edg.Come away, Nightingale, I pray thee.Tro.Whither go you? where’s your warrant?Edg.Warrant! for what, sir?Tro.For what you go about, you know how fit it is; an you have no warrant, bless you, I’ll pray for you, that’s all I can do.[Exit.Edg.What means he?Night.A madman that haunts the Fair; do you not know him? It’s marvel he has not more followers after his ragged heels.Edg.Beshrew him, he startled me: I thought he had known of our plot. Guilt’s a terrible thing. Have you prepared the costard-monger?Night.Yes, and agreed for his basket of pears; he is at the corner here, ready. And your prize, he comes down sailing that way all alone, without his protector; he is rid of him, it seems.Edg.Ay, I know; I should have followed his protectorship, for a feat I am to do upon him: but this offered itself so in the way, I could not let scape: here he comes, whistle; be this sport call’d Dorring the Dotterel.Re-enterCOKES.Night.Wh, wh, wh, wh, etc.[Whistles.Cokes.By this light, I cannot find my gingerbread wife, nor my hobby-horse man, in all the Fair now, to have my money again: and I do not know the way out on’t, to go home for more. Do you hear, friend, you that whistle? what tune is that you whistle?Night.A new tune I am practising, sir.Cokes.Dost thou know where I dwell, I pray thee? nay, on with thy tune; I have no such haste for an answer: I’ll practise with thee.EnterCOSTARD-MONGER,with a basket of Pears.Cos.Buy any pears, very fine pears, pears fine![Nightingale sets his foot afore him, and he falls with his basket.Cokes.Ods so! a muss, a muss, a muss, a muss![Falls a scrambling for the pears.Cos.Good gentlemen, my ware, my ware; I am a poor man. Good sir, my ware.Night.Let me hold your sword, sir, it troubles you.Cokes.Do, and my cloke an thou wilt, and my hat too.Edg.A delicate great boy! methinks he out-scrambles them all. I cannot persuade myself, but he goes to grammar-school yet, and plays the truant to-day.Night.Would he had another purse to cut, Zekiel.Edg.Purse! a man might cut out his kidneys, I think, and he never feel ’em, he is so earnest at the sport.Night.His soul is half way out on’s body at the game.Edg.Away, Nightingale; that way.[Nightingale runs off with his sword, cloke, and hat.Cokes.I think I am furnish’d for cather’ne pears, for one under-meal: Give me my cloke.Cos.Good gentleman, give me my ware.Cokes.Where’s the fellow I gave my cloke to? my cloke and my hat; ha! ods ’lid, is he gone? thieves, thieves! help me to cry, gentlemen.[Exit hastily.Edg.Away, costard-monger, come to us to Ursula’s.[Exit Costard-Monger.]Talk of him to have a soul! ’heart, if he have any more than a thing given him instead of salt, only to keep him from stinking, I’ll be hang’d afore my time, presently: where should it be, trow? in his blood? he has not so much toward it in his whole body as will maintain a good flea! and if he take this course, he will not have so much land left as to rear a calf, within this twelvemonth. Was there ever green plover so pull’d! that his little overseer had been here now, and been but tall enough to see him steal pears, in exchange for his beaver-hat and his cloke thus! I must go find him out next, for his black box, and his patent, it seems, he has of his place; which I think the gentleman would have a reversion of, that spoke to me for it so earnestly.[Exit.Re-enterCOKES.Cokes.Would I might lose my doublet, and hose, too, as I am an honest man, and never stir, if I think there be any thing but thieving and cozening in this whole Fair. Bartholomew Fair, quoth he! an ever any Bartholomew had that luck in’t that I have had, I’ll be martyr’d for him, and in Smithfield too. I have paid for my pears,a rot on ’em! I’ll keep them no longer; [throws away his pears.] you were choke-pears to me: I had been better have gone to mum-chance for you, I wuss. Methinks the Fair should not have used me thus, an ’twere but for my name’s-sake; I would not have used a dog o’ the name so. O, Numps will triumph now!—EnterTROUBLEALL.Friend, do you know who I am, or where I lie? I do not myself, I’ll be sworn. Do but carry me home, and I’ll please thee; I have money enough there. I have lost myself, and my cloke, and my hat, and my fine sword, and my sister, and Numps, and mistress Grace, a gentlewoman that I should have married, and a cut-work handkerchief she gave me, and two purses, to-day; and my bargain of hobby-horses and gingerbread, which grieves me worst of all.Tro.By whose warrant, sir, have you done all this?Cokes.Warrant! thou art a wise fellow indeed: as if a man need a warrant to lose any thing with.Tro.Yes, justice Overdo’s warrant, a man may get and lose with, I’ll stand to’t.Cokes.Justice Overdo! dost thou know him? I lie there, he is my brother-in-law, he married my sister: pray thee shew me the way; dost thou know the house?Tro.Sir, shew me your warrant: I know nothing without a warrant, pardon me.Cokes.Why, I warrant thee; come along: thou shalt see I have wrought pillows there, and cambric sheets, and sweet bags too. Pray thee guide me to the house.Tro.Sir, I’ll tell you; go you thither yourself first alone, tell your worshipful brother your mind, and but bring me three lines of his hand, or his clerk’s, with Adam Overdo underneath, (here I’ll stay you,) I’ll obey you, and I’ll guide you presently.Cokes.’Slid, this is an ass, I have found him: pox upon me, what do I talking to such a dull fool! farewell! you are a very coxcomb, do you hear?Tro.I think I am; if justice Overdo sign to it, I am, and so we are all: he’ll quit us all, multiply us all.[Exeunt.SCENE II.—Another part of the Fair.EnterGRACE, QUARLOUS,andWINWIFE,with their swords drawn.Grace.Gentlemen, this is no way that you take; you do but breed one another trouble and offence, and give me no contentment at all. I am not she that affects to be quarrell’d for, or have my name or fortune made the question of men’s swords.Quar.’Sblood, we love you.Grace.If you both love me, as you pretend, your own reason will tell you, but one can enjoy me: and to that point there leads a directer line, than by my infamy, which must follow, if you fight. ’Tis true, I have profest it to you ingenuously, that rather than tobe yoked with this bridegroom is appointed me, I would take up any husband almost upon any trust; though subtlety would say to me, I know, he is a fool, and has an estate, and I might govern him, and enjoy a friend beside: but these are not my aims; I must have a husband I must love, or I cannot live with him. I shall ill make one of these politic wives.Winw.Why, if you can like either of us, lady, say, which is he, and the other shall swear instantly to desist.Quar.Content, I accord to that willingly.Grace.Sure you think me a woman of an extreme levity, gentlemen, or a strange fancy, that, meeting you by chance in such a place as this, both at one instant, and not yet of two hours’ acquaintance, neither of you deserving afore the other of me, I should so forsake my modesty (though I might affect one more particularly) as to say, this is he, and name him.Quar.Why, wherefore should you not? what should hinder you?Grace.If you would not give it to my modesty, allow it yet to my wit; give me so much of woman and cunning, as not to betray myself impertinently. How can I judge of you, so far as to a choice, without knowing you more? You are both equal, and alike to me yet, and so indifferently affected by me, as each of you might be the man, if the other were away: for you are reasonable creatures, you have understanding and discourse; and if fate send me an understanding husband, I have no fear at all but mine own manners shall make him a good one.Quar.Would I were put forth to making for you then.Grace.It may be you are, you know not what is toward you: will you consent to a motion of mine, gentlemen?Winw.Whatever it be, we’ll presume reasonableness, coming from you.Quar.And fitness too.Grace.I saw one of you buy a pair of tables, e’en now.Winw.Yes, here they be, and maiden ones too, unwritten in.Grace.The fitter for what they may be employed in. You shall write either of you here a word or a name, what you like best, but of two or three syllables at most; and the next person that comes this way, because Destiny has a high hand in business of this nature, I’ll demand which of the two words he or she doth approve, and, according to that sentence, fix my resolution and affection without change.Quar.Agreed; my word is conceived already.Winw.And mine shall not be long creating after.Grace.But you shall promise, gentlemen, not to be curious to know which of you it is, taken; but give me leave to conceal that, till you have brought me either home, or where I may safely tender myself.Winw.Why, that’s but equal.Quar.We are pleased.Grace.Because I will bind both your endeavours to work togetherfriendly and jointly each to the other’s fortune, and have myself fitted with some means, to make him that is forsaken a part of amends.Quar.These conditions are very courteous. Well, my word is out of the Arcadia, then;Argalus.Winw.And mine out of the PlayPalemon.[They write.EnterTROUBLEALL.Tro.Have you any warrant for this, gentlemen?Quar. Winw.Ha!Tro.There must be a warrant had, believe it.Winw.For what?Tro.For whatsoever it is, any thing indeed, no matter what.Quar.’Slight, here’s a fine ragged prophet dropt down i’ the nick!Tro.Heaven quit you, gentlemen!Quar.Nay, stay a little: good lady, put him to the question.Grace.You are content then?Winw.Quar.Yes, yes.Grace.Sir, here are two names written—Tro.Is justice Overdo one?Grace.How, sir! I pray you read them to yourself; it is for a wager between these gentlemen; and with a stroke, or any difference, mark which you approve best.Tro.They may be both worshipful names for aught I know, mistress; but Adam Overdo had been worth three of them, I assure you in this place, that’s in plain English.Grace.This man amazes me: I pray you like one of them, sir.Tro.[marks the book.] I do like him there, that has the best warrant, mistress, to save your longing, and (multiply him) it may be this. But I am still for justice Overdo, that’s my conscience; and quit you.Winw.Is it done, lady?Grace.Ay, and strangely, as ever I saw: what fellow is this, trow?Quar.No matter what, a fortune-teller we have made him; which is it, which is it?Grace.Nay, did you not promise not to inquire?EnterEDGWORTH.Quar.’Slid, I forgot that, pray you pardon me.—Look, here’s our Mercury come; the license arrives in the finest time too! ’tis but scraping out Cokes his name, and ’tis done.Winw.How now, lime-twig, hast thou touch’d?Edg.Not yet, sir; except you would go with me and see it, it is not worth speaking on. The act is nothing without a witness. Yonder he is, your man with the box, fallen into the finest company, and so transported with vapours! they have got in a northern clothier, and one Puppy, a western man, that’s come to wrestle before my lord mayor anon, and captain Whit, and one Val. Cutting,that helps captain Jordan to roar, a circling boy; with whom your Numps is so taken, that you may strip him of his clothes, if you will. I’ll undertake to geld him for you, if you had but a surgeon ready to sear him. And mistress Justice there, is the goodest woman! she does so love them all over in terms of justice and the style of authority, with her hood upright that—I beseech you come away, gentlemen, and see’t.Quar.’Slight, I would not lose it for the Fair; what will you do, Ned?Winw.Why, stay hereabout for you: mistress Wellborn must not be seen.Quar.Do so, and find out a priest in the mean time; I’ll bring the license.—Lead, which way is’t?Edg.Here, sir, you are on the back o’ the booth already; you may hear the noise.[Exeunt.SCENE III.—Another part of the Fair.URSULA’SBooth as before.KNOCKEM, WHIT, NORTHERN, PUPPY, CUTTING, WASPE,andMrs. OVERDO,discovered, all in a state of intoxication.Knock.Whit, bid Val. Cutting continue the vapours for a lift, Whit, for a lift. [Aside, to Whit.Nor.I’ll ne mare, I’ll ne mare; the eale’s too meeghty.Knock.How now! my galloway nag the staggers, ha! Whit, give him a slit in the forehead. Chear up, man; a needle and thread to stitch his ears. I’d cure him now, an I had it, with a little butter and garlick, long pepper and grains. Where’s my horn? I’ll give him a mash presently, shall take away this dizziness.Pup.Why, where are you, zurs? do you vlinch, and leave us in the zuds now?Nor.I’ll ne mare, I is e’en as vull as a paiper’s bag, by my troth, I.Pup.Do my northern cloth zhrink i’ the wetting, ha?Knock.Why, well said, old flea-bitten; thou’lt never tire I see.[They fall to their vapours again.Cut.No, sir, but he may tire if it please him.Whit.Who told dee sho, that he vuld never teer, man?Cut.No matter who told him so, so long as he knows.Knock.Nay, I know nothing, sir, pardon me there.Enter behind, EDGWORTHwithQUARLOUS.Edg.They are at it still, sir; this they call vapours.Whit.He shall not pardon dee, captain: dou shalt not be pardoned. Pre’dee, shweet-heart, do not pardon him.Cut.’Slight, I’ll pardon him, an I list, whosoever says nay to’t.Quar.Where’s Numps? I miss him.Waspe.Why, I say nay to’t.Quar.O, there he is.Knock.To what do you say nay, sir?[Here they continue their game of vapours, which is nonsense. Every man to oppose the last man that spoke, whether it concern’d him, or no.Waspe.To any thing, whatsoever it is, so long as I do not like it.Whit.Pardon me, little man, dou musht like it a little.Cut.No, he must not like it at all, sir: there you are i’ the wrong.Whit.I tink I bee; he musht not like it indeed.Cut.Nay, then he both must and will like it, sir, for all you.Knock.If he have reason, he may like it, sir.Whit.By no meensh, captain, upon reason, he may like nothing upon reason.Waspe.I have no reason, nor I will hear of no reason, nor I will look for no reason, and he is an ass that either knows any, or looks for’t from me.Cut.Yes, in some sense you may have reason, sir.Waspe.Ay, in some sense, I care not if I grant you.Whit.Pardon me, thou ougsht to grant him nothing in no shensh, if dou do love dyshelf, angry man.Waspe.Why then, I do grant him nothing; and I have no sense.Cut.’Tis true, thou hast no sense indeed.Waspe.’Slid, but I have sense, now I think on’t better, and I will grant him any thing, do you see.Knock.He is in the right, and does utter a sufficient vapour.Cut.Nay, it is no sufficient vapour neither, I deny that.Knock.Then it is a sweet vapour.Cut.It may be a sweet vapour.Waspe.Nay, it is no sweet vapour neither, sir, it stinks, and I’ll stand to it.Whit.Yes, I tink it dosh shtink, captain: all vapour dosh shtink.Waspe.Nay, then it does not stink, sir, and it shall not stink.Cut.By your leave it may, sir.Waspe.Ay, by my leave it may stink, I know that.Whit.Pardon me, thou knowesht nothing, it cannot by thy leave, angry man.Waspe.How can it not?Knock.Nay, never question him, for he is in the right.Whit.Yesh, I am in de right, I confesh it, so ish de little man too.Waspe.I’ll have nothing confest that concerns me. I am not in the right, nor never was in the right, nor never will be in the right, while I am in my right mind.Cut.Mind! why, here’s no man minds you, sir, nor any thing else.[They drink again.Pup.Vriend, will you mind this that we do?[Offering Northern the cup.Quar.Call you this vapours! this is such belching of quarrel as I never heard. Will you mind your business, sir?Edg.You shall see, sir.[Goes up to Waspe.Nor.I’ll ne mare, my waimb warkes too mickle with this auready.Edg.Will you take that, master Waspe, that nobody should mind you?Waspe.Why, what have you to do? is’t any matter to you?Edg.No, but methinks you should not be unminded, though.Waspe.Nor I wu’ not be, now I think on’t. Do you hear, new acquaintance? does no man mind me, say you?Cut.Yes, sir, every man here minds you, but how?Waspe.Nay, I care as little how as you do; that was not my question.Whit.No, noting was ty question, tou art a learned man, and I am a valiant man, i’faith la, tou shalt speak for me, and I will fight for tee.Knock.Fight for him, Whit! a gross vapour, he can fight for himself.Waspe.It may be I can, but it may be I wu’ not, how then?Cut.Why then you may choose.Waspe.Why, then I’ll choose whether I choose or no.Knock.I think you may, and ’tis true; and I allow it for a resolute vapour.Waspe.Nay then, I do think you do not think, and it is no resolute vapour.Cut.Yes, in some sort he may allow you.Knock.In no sort, sir, pardon me, I can allow him nothing. You mistake the vapour.Waspe.He mistakes nothing, sir, in no sort.Whit.Yes I pre dee now, let him mistake.Waspe.A turd in your teeth, never pre dee me, for I will have nothing mistaken.Knock.Turd! ha, turd? a noisome vapour: strike, Whit. [Aside to Whit.[They fall together by the ears, while Edgworth steals the license out of the box, and exit.Mrs. Over.Why, gentlemen, why, gentlemen, I charge you upon my authority, conserve the peace. In the king’s name, and my husband’s, put up your weapons, I shall be driven to commit you myself, else.Quar.Ha, ha, ha!Waspe.Why do you laugh, sir?Quar.Sir, you’ll allow me my christian liberty; I may laugh, I hope.Cut.In some sort you may, and in some sort you may not, sir.Knock.Nay, in some sort, sir, he may neither laugh nor hope in this company.Waspe.Yes, then he may both laugh and hope in any sort, an’t please him.Quar.Faith, and I will then, for it doth please me exceedingly.Waspe.No exceedingly neither, sir.Knock.No, that vapour is too lofty.Quar.Gentlemen, I do not play well at your game of vapours, I am not very good at it, but—Cut.[draws a circle on the ground.] Do you hear, sir? I would speak with you in circle.Quar.In circle, sir! what would you with me in circle?Cut.Can you lend me a piece, a Jacobus, in circle?Quar.’Slid, your circle will prove more costly than your vapours, then. Sir, no, I lend you none.Cut.Your beard’s not well turn’d up, sir.Quar.How, rascal! are you playing with my beard? I’ll break circle with you.[They all draw and fight.Pup.Nor.Gentlemen, gentlemen!Knock.[aside to Whit.] Gather up, Whit, gather up, Whit, good vapours.[Exit, while Whit takes up the swords, clokes, etc., and conceals them.Mrs. Over.What mean you? are you rebels, gentlemen? shall I send out a serjeant at arms, or a writ of rebellion, against you? I’ll commit you upon my woman-hood, for a riot, upon my justice-hood, if you persist.[Exeunt Quarlous and Cutting.Waspe.Upon my justice-hood! marry shite o’ your hood: you’ll commit! spoke like a true justice of peace’s wife indeed, and a fine female lawyer! turd in your teeth for a fee, now.Mrs. Over.Why, Numps, in master Overdo’s name, I charge you.Waspe.Good mistress Underdo, hold your tongue.Mrs. Over.Alas, poor Numps!Waspe.Alas! and whyalasfrom you, I beseech you? or whypoorNumps, goody Rich? Am I come to be pitied by your tuft-taffata now? Why, mistress, I knew Adam the clerk, your husband, when he was Adam Scrivener, and writ for two-pence a sheet, as high as he bears his head now, or you your hood, dame.—EnterBRISTLEand otherWatchmen.What are you, sir?Bri.We be men, and no infidels; what is the matter here, and the noises, can you tell?Waspe.Heart, what ha’ you to do? cannot a man quarrel in quietness, but he must be put out on’t by you! what are you?Bri.Why, we be his majesty’s watch, sir.Waspe.Watch! ’sblood, you are a sweet watch indeed. A body would think, an you watch’d well a nights, you should be contented to sleep at this time a day. Get you to your fleas and your flock-beds, you rogues, your kennels, and lie down close.Bri.Down! yes, we will down, I warrant you: down with him, in his majesty’s name, down, down with him, and carry him away to the pigeon-holes.[Some of the Watch seize Waspe, and carry him off.Mrs. Over.I thank you, honest friends, in the behalf o’ the crown, and the peace, and in master Overdo’s name, for suppressing enormities.Whit.Stay, Bristle, here ish anoder brash of drunkards, but very quiet, special drunkards, will pay de five shillings very well. [Points to Northern and Puppy, drunk, and asleep, on the bench.] Take ’em to de, in de graish o’ God: one of hem do’s change cloth for ale in the Fair, here; te toder ish a strong man, a mighty man, my lordmayor’s man, and a wrastler. He has wrashled so long with the bottle here, that the man with the beard hash almosht streek up hish heelsh.Bri.’Slid, the clerk o’ the market has been to cry him all the Fair over here, for my lord’s service.Whit.Tere he ish, pre de taik him hensh, and make ty best on him. [Exeunt Bristle and the rest of the Watch with Northern and Puppy.]—How now, woman o’ shilk, vat ailsh ty shweet faish? art tou melancholy?Mrs. Over.A little distempered with these enormities. Shall I entreat a courtesy of you, captain?Whit.Entreat a hundred, velvet voman, I vill do it, shpeak out.Mrs. Over.I cannot with modesty speak it out, but—[Whispers him.Whit.I vill do it, and more and more, for de. What Ursla, an’t be bitch, an’t be bawd, an’t be!EnterURSULA.Urs.How now, rascal! what roar you for, old pimp?Whit.Here, put up de clokes, Ursh; de purchase. Pre de now, shweet Ursh, help dis good brave voman to a jordan, an’t be.Urs.’Slid call your captain Jordan to her, can you not?Whit.Nay, pre de leave dy consheits, and bring the velvet woman to de—Urs.I bring her! hang her: heart, must I find a common pot for every punk in your purlieus?Whit.O good voordsh, Ursh, it ish a guest o’ velvet, i’fait la.Urs.Let her sell her hood, and buy a spunge, with a pox to her! my vessel is employed, sir. I have but one, and ’tis the bottom of an old bottle. An honest proctor and his wife are at it within; if she’ll stay her time, so.[Exit.Whit.As soon as tou cansht, shweet Ursh. Of a valiant man I tink I am te patientsh man i’ the world, or in all Smithfield.Re-enterKNOCKEM.Knock.How now, Whit! close vapours, stealing your leaps! covering in corners, ha!Whit.No, fait, captain, dough tou beesht a vishe man, dy vit is a mile hence now. I vas procuring a shmall courtesie for a woman of fashion here.Mrs. Over.Yes, captain, though I am a justice of peace’s wife, I do love men of war, and the sons of the sword, when they come before my husband.Knock.Say’st thou so, filly? thou shalt have a leap presently, I’ll horse thee myself, else.Urs.[within.] Come, will you bring her in now, and let her take her turn?Whit.Gramercy, good Ursh, I tank de.Mrs. Over.Master Overdo shall thank her.[Exit.Re-enterURSULA,followed byLITTLEWIT,andMrs. LITTLEWIT.Lit.Good ga’mere Urse, Win and I are exceedingly beholden to you, and to captain Jordan, and captain Whit.—Win, I’ll be bold to leave you, in this good company, Win; for half an hour or so, Win; while I go and see how my matter goes forward, and if the puppets be perfect; and then I’ll come and fetch you, Win.Mrs. Lit.Will you leave me alone with two men, John?Lit.Ay, they are honest gentlemen, Win, captain Jordan and captain Whit; they’ll use you very civilly, Win. God be wi’ you, Win.[Exit.Urs.What, is her husband gone?Knock.On his false gallop, Urse, away.Urs.An you be right Bartholomew birds, now show yourselves so: we are undone for want of fowl in the Fair, here. Here will be Zekiel Edgworth, and three or four gallants with him at night, and I have neither plover nor quail for them: persuade this between you two, to become a bird o’ the game, while I work the velvet woman within, as you call her.Knock.I conceive thee, Urse: go thy ways. [Exit Ursula.]—Dost thou hear, Whit? is’t not pity, my delicate dark chestnut here, with the fine lean head, large forehead, round eyes, even mouth, sharp ears, long neck, thin crest, close withers, plain back, deep sides, short fillets, and full flanks; with a round belly, a plump buttock, large thighs, knit knees, strait legs, short pasterns, smooth hoofs, and short heels, should lead a dull honest woman’s life, that might live the life of a lady?Whit.Yes, by my fait and trot it is, captain; de honest woman’s life is a scurvy dull life indeed, la.Mrs. Lit.How, sir, is an honest woman’s life a scurvy life?Whit.Yes fait, shweet-heart, believe him, de leef of a bond-woman! but if dou vilt hearken to me, I vill make tee a free woman and a lady; dou shalt live like a lady, as te captain saish.Knock.Ay, and be honest too sometimes; have her wires and her tires, her green gowns and velvet petticoats.Whit.Ay, and ride to Ware and Rumford in dy coash, shee de players, be in love vit ’em: sup vit gallantsh, be drunk, and cost de noting.Knock.Brave vapours!Whit.And lie by twenty on ’em, if dou pleash, shweet-heart.Mrs. Lit.What, and be honest still! that were fine sport.Whit.Tish common, shweet-heart, tou may’st do it by my hand: it shall be justified to thy husband’s faish, now: tou shalt be as honesht as the skin between his hornsh, la.Knock.Yes, and wear a dressing, top and top-gallant, to compare with e’er a husband on ’em all, for a foretop: it is the vapour of spirit in the wife to cuckold now a days, as it is the vapour of fashion in the husband not to suspect. Your prying cat-eyed citizen is an abominable vapour.Mrs. Lit.Lord, what a fool have I been!Whit.Mend then, and do every ting like a lady hereafter; never know ty husband from another man.Knock.Nor any one man from another, but in the dark.Whit.Ay, and then it ish no disgrash to know any man.Urs.[within.] Help, help here!Knock.How now? what vapour’s there?Re-enterURSULA.Urs.O, you are a sweet ranger, and look well to your walks! Yonder is your punk of Turnbull, ramping Alice, has fallen upon the poor gentlewoman within, and pull’d her hood over her ears, and her hair through it.EnterALICE,beating and driving inMrs. OVERDO.Mrs. Over.Help, help, in the king’s name!Alice.A mischief on you, they are such as you are that undo us and take our trade from us, with your tuft-taffata haunches.Knock.How now, Alice!Alice.The poor common whores can have no traffic for the privy rich ones; your caps and hoods of velvet call away our customers, and lick the fat from us.Urs.Peace, you foul ramping jade, you—Alice.Od’s foot, you bawd in grease, are you talking?Knock.Why, Alice, I say.Alice.Thou sow of Smithfield, thou!Urs.Thou tripe of Turnbull!Knock.Cat-a-mountain vapours, ha!Urs.You know where you were taw’d lately; both lash’d and slash’d you were in Bridewell.Alice.Ay, by the same token you rid that week, and broke out the bottom of the cart, night-tub.Knock.Why, lion face, ha! do you know who I am? shall I tear ruff, slit waistcoat, make rags of petticoat, ha! go to, vanish for fear of vapours. Whit, a kick, Whit, in the parting vapour. [They kick out Alice.] Come, brave woman, take a good heart, thou shalt be a lady too.Whit.Yes fait, dey shall all both be ladies, and write madam: I vill do’t myself for dem. Do is the word, and D is the middle letter of madam, D D, put ’em together, and make deeds, without which all words are alike, la.Knock.’Tis true: Ursula, take them in, open thy wardrobe, and fit them to their calling. Green gowns, crimson petticoats, green women, my lord mayor’s green women! guests o’ the game, true bred. I’ll provide you a coach to take the air in.Mrs. Lit.But do you think you can get one?Knock.O, they are common as wheelbarrows where there are great dunghills. Every pettifogger’s wife has ’em; for first he buys a coach that he may marry, and then he marries that he maybe made cuckold in’t: for if their wives ride not to their cuckolding, they do them no credit. [Exeunt Ursula, Mrs. Littlewit, and Mrs. Overdo.]—Hide, and be hidden, ride and be ridden,says the vapour of experience.EnterTROUBLEALL.Tro.By what warrant does it say so?Knock.Ha, mad child o’ the Pie-poudres! art thou there? fill us a fresh can, Urse, we may drink together.Tro.I may not drink without a warrant, captain.Knock.’Slood, thou’lt not stale without a warrant shortly. Whit, give me pen, ink, and paper, I’ll draw him a warrant presently.Tro.It must be justice Overdo’s.Knock.I know, man; fetch the drink, Whit.Whit.I pre dee now, be very brief, captain, for de new ladies stay for dee.[Exit, and re-enters with a can.Knock.O, as brief as can be, here ’tis already. [Gives Troubleall a paper.] Adam Overdo.Tro.Why now I’ll pledge you, captain.Knock.Drink it off, I’ll come to thee anon again.[Exeunt.SCENE IV.—The back ofURSULA’SBooth.OVERDOin the stocks. People, etc.EnterQUARLOUSwith the license, andEDGWORTH.Quar.Well, sir, you are now discharged; beware of being spied hereafter.Edg.Sir, will it please you, enter in here at Ursula’s, and take part of a silken gown, a velvet petticoat, or a wrought smock; I am promised such, and I can spare a gentleman a moiety.Quar.Keep it for your companions in beastliness, I am none of them, sir. If I had not already forgiven you a greater trespass, or thought you yet worth my beating, I would instruct your manners, to whom you made your offers. But go your ways, talk not to me, the hangman is only fit to discourse with you; the hand of beadle is too merciful a punishment for your trade of life. [Exit Edgworth.]—I am sorry I employ’d this fellow, for he thinks me such;facinus quos inquinat, æquat.But it was for sport; and would I make it serious, the getting of this license is nothing to me, without other circumstances concur. I do think how impertinently I labour, if the word be not mine that the ragged fellow mark’d: and what advantage I have given Ned Winwife in this time now of working her, though it be mine. He’ll go near to form to her what a debauched rascal I am, and fright her out of all good conceit of me: I should do so by him, I am sure, if I had the opportunity. But my hope is in her temper yet; and it must needs be next to despair, that is grounded on any part of a woman’s discretion. I would give, by my troth now, all I could spare, to my clothes and my sword, tomeet my tatter’d soothsayer again, who was my judge in the question, to know certainly whose word he has damn’d or saved; for till then I live but under a reprieve. I must seek him. Who be these?EnterBRISTLEand some of theWatch,withWASPE.Waspe.Sir, you are a Welsh cuckold, and a prating runt, and no constable.Bri.You say very well.—Come, put in his leg in the middle roundel, and let him hole there.[They put him in the stocks.Waspe.You stink of leeks, metheglin, and cheese, you rogue.Bri.Why, what is that to you, if you sit sweetly in the stocks in the mean time? if you have a mind to stink too, your breeches sit close enough to your bum. Sit you merry, sir.Quar.How now, Numps?Waspe.It is no matter how; pray you look off.Quar.Nay, I’ll not offend you, Numps; I thought you had sat there to be seen.Waspe.And to be sold, did you not? pray you mind your business, an you have any.Quar.Cry you mercy, Numps; does your leg lie high enough?EnterHAGGISE.Bri.How now, neighbour Haggise, what says justice Overdo’s worship to the other offenders?Hag.Why, he says just nothing; what should he say, or where should he say? He is not to be found, man; he has not been seen in the Fair here all this live-long day, never since seven a clock i’ the morning. His clerks know not what to think on’t. There is no court of Pie-poudres yet. Here they be return’d.Enter others of theWatchwithBUSY.Bri.What shall be done with them, then, in your discretion?Hag.I think we were best put them in the stocks in discretion (there they will be safe in discretion) for the valour of an hour, or such a thing, till his worship come.Bri.It is but a hole matter if we do, neighbour Haggise; come, sir, [to Waspe.] here is company for you; heave up the stocks.[As they open the stocks, Waspe puts his shoe on his hand, and slips it in for his leg.Waspe.I shall put a trick upon your Welsh diligence perhaps. [Aside.Bri.Put in your leg, sir. [To Busy.Quar.What, rabbi Busy! is he come?Busy.I do obey thee; the lion may roar, but he cannot bite. I am glad to be thus separated from the heathen of the land, and put apart in the stocks, for the holy cause.Waspe.What are you, sir?Busy.One that rejoiceth in his affliction, and sitteth here toprophesy the destruction of fairs and May-games, wakes and Whitson-ales, and doth sigh and groan for the reformation of these abuses.Waspe.[to Overdo.] And do you sigh and groan too, or rejoice in your affliction?Over.I do not feel it, I do not think of it, it is a thing without me: Adam, thou art above these batteries, these contumelies.In te manca ruit fortuna, as thy friend Horace says; thou art one,Quem neque pauperies, neque mors, neque vincula, terrent.And therefore, as another friend of thine says, I think it be thy friend Persius,Non te quæsiveris extra.Quar.What’s here! a stoic in the stocks? the fool is turn’d philosopher.Busy.Friend, I will leave to communicate my spirit with you, if I hear any more of those superstitious relics, those lists of Latin, the very rags of Rome, and patches of popery.Waspe.Nay, an you begin to quarrel, gentlemen, I’ll leave you. I have paid for quarrelling too lately: look you, a device, but shifting in a hand for a foot. God be wi’ you.[Slips out his hand.Busy.Wilt thou then leave thy brethren in tribulation?Waspe.For this once, sir.[Exit, running.Busy.Thou art a halting neutral; stay him there, stop him, that will not endure the heat of persecution.Bri.How now, what’s the matter?Busy.He is fled, he is fled, and dares not sit it out.Bri.What, has he made an escape! which way? follow, neighbour Haggise.[Exeunt Haggise and Watch.EnterDame PURECRAFT.Pure.O me, in the stocks! have the wicked prevail’d?Busy.Peace, religious sister, it is my calling, comfort yourself; an extraordinary calling, and done for my better standing, my surer standing, hereafter.EnterTROUBLEALL,with a can.Tro.By whose warrant, by whose warrant, this?Quar.O, here’s my man dropt in I look’d for.Over.Ha!Pure.O, good sir, they have set the faithful here to be wonder’d at; and provided holes for the holy of the land.Tro.Had they warrant for it? shew’d they justice Overdo’s hand? if they had no warrant, they shall answer it.Re-enterHAGGISE.Bri.Sure you did not lock the stocks sufficiently, neighbour Toby.Hag.No! see if you can lock them better.Bri.They are very sufficiently lock’d, and truly; yet something is in the matter.Tro.True, your warrant is the matter that is in question; by what warrant?Bri.Madman, hold your peace, I will put you in his room else in the very same hold, do you see?Quar.How, is he a madman?Tro.Shew me justice Overdo’s warrant, I obey you.Hag.You are a mad fool, hold your tongue.[Exeunt Haggise and Bristle.Tro.In justice Overdo’s name, I drink to you, and here’s my warrant.[Shews his can.Over.Alas, poor wretch! how it yearns my heart for him! [Aside.Quar.If he be mad, it is in vain to question him. I’ll try him though.—Friend, there was a gentlewoman shew’d you two names some hours since, Argalus and Palemon, to mark in a book; which of them was it you mark’d?Tro.I mark no name but Adam Overdo, that is the name of names, he only is the sufficient magistrate; and that name I reverence, shew it me.Quar.This fellow’s mad indeed: I am further off now than afore.Over.I shall not breathe in peace till I have made him some amends. [Aside.Quar.Well, I will make another use of him is come in my head: I have a nest of beards in my trunk, one something like his.Re-enterBRISTLEandHAGGISE.Bri.This mad fool has made me that I know not whether I have lock’d the stocks or no; I think I lock’d them.[Tries the locks.Tro.Take Adam Overdo in your mind, and fear nothing.Bri.’Slid, madness itself! hold thy peace, and take that.[Strikes him.Tro.Strikest thou without a warrant? take thou that.[They fight, and leave open the stocks in the scuffle.Busy.We are delivered by miracle; fellow in fetters, let us not refuse the means; this madness was of the spirit: the malice of the enemy hath mock’d itself.[Exeunt Busy and Overdo.Pure.Mad do they call him! the world is mad in error, but he is mad in truth: I love him o’ the sudden (the cunning man said all true) and shall love him more and more. How well it becomes a man to be mad in truth! O, that I might be his yoke-fellow, and be mad with him, what a many should we draw to madness in truth with us![Exit.Bri.How now, all ’scaped! where’s the woman? it is witchcraft! her velvet hat is a witch, o’ my conscience, or my key! the one.—The madman was a devil, and I am an ass; so bless me, my place, and mine office![Exeunt, affrighted.

SCENE I.—The Fair.

Booths, Stalls, a pair of Stocks, etc.

EnterCOKES, BRISTLE, HAGGISE,andPOCHER,withOVERDO,followed byTROUBLEALL.

Tro.My masters, I do make no doubt, but you are officers.

Bri.What then, sir?

Tro.And the king’s loving and obedient subjects.

Bri.Obedient, friend! take heed what you speak, I advise you; Oliver Bristle advises you. His loving subjects, we grant you; but not his obedient, at this time, by your leave; we know ourselves a little better than so; we are to command, sir, and such as you are to be obedient. Here’s one of his obedient subjects going to the stocks; and we’ll make you such another, if you talk.

Tro.You are all wise enough in your places, I know.

Bri.If you know it, sir, why do you bring it in question?

Tro.I question nothing, pardon me. I do only hope you have warrant for what you do, and so quit you, and so multiply you.

[Exit.

Hag.What is he?—Bring him up to the stocks there. Why bring you him not up?

[Overdo is brought forward.

Re-enterTROUBLEALL.

Tro.If you have justice Overdo’s warrant, ’tis well; you are safe: that is the warrant of warrants. I’ll not give this button for any man’s warrant else.

Bri.Like enough, sir; but let me tell you, an you play away your buttons thus, you will want them ere night, for any store I see about you; you might keep them, and save pins, I wuss.

[Exit Troubleall.

Over.What should he be, that doth so esteem and advance my warrant? he seems a sober and discreet person: It is a comfort to a good conscience to be followed with a good fame in his sufferings. The world will have a pretty taste by this, how I can bear adversity; and it will beget a kind of reverence towards me hereafter, even from mine enemies, when they shall see, I carry my calamity nobly, and that it doth neither break me, nor bend me. [Aside.

Hag.Come, sir, here’s a place for you to preach in. Will you put in your leg?

Over.That I will, cheerfully.

[They put him in the stocks.

Bri.O’ my conscience, a seminary! he kisses the stocks.

Cokes.Well, my masters, I’ll leave him with you; now I see him bestowed, I’ll go look for my goods, and Numps.

Hag.You may, sir, I warrant you; where’s the t’other bawler? fetch him too, you shall find them both fast enough.

[Exit Cokes.

Over.In the midst of this tumult, I will yet be the author of mine own rest, and not minding their fury, sit in the stocks in that calm as shall be able to trouble a triumph. [Aside.

Re-enterTROUBLEALL.

Tro.Do you assure me upon your words? May I undertake for you, if I be asked the question, that you have this warrant?

Hag.What’s this fellow, for God’s sake?

Tro.Do but shew me Adam Overdo, and I am satisfied.

[Exit.

Bri.He is a fellow that is distracted, they say; one Troubleall: he was an officer in the court of Pie-poudres here last year, and put out of his place by justice Overdo.

Over.Ha! [Aside.

Bri.Upon which he took an idle conceit, and is run mad upon’t: so that ever since he will do nothing but by justice Overdo’s warrant; he will not eat a crust, nor drink a little, nor make him in his apparel ready. His wife, sir-reverence, cannot get him make his water, or shift his shirt, without his warrant.

Over.If this be true, this is my greatest disaster. How am I bound to satisfy this poor man, that is of so good a nature to me, out of his wits! where there is no room left for dissembling. [Aside.

Re-enterTROUBLEALL.

Tro.If you cannot shew me Adam Overdo, I am in doubt of you; I am afraid you cannot answer it.

[Exit.

Hag.Before me, neighbour Bristle,—and now I think on’t better,—justice Overdo is a very parantory person.

Bri.O, are you advised of that! and a severe justicer, by your leave.

Over.Do I hear ill o’ that side too? [Aside.

Bri.He will sit as upright on the bench, an you mark him, as a candle in the socket, and give light to the whole court in every business.

Hag.But he will burn blue, and swell like a boil, God bless us, an he be angry.

Bri.Ay, and he will be angry too, when he lists, that’s more; and when he is angry, be it right or wrong, he has the law on’s side ever; I mark that too.

Over.I will be more tender hereafter. I see compassion may become a justice, though it be a weakness, I confess, and nearer a vice than a virtue. [Aside.

Hag.Well, take him out o’ the stocks again; we’ll go a sure way to work, we’ll have the ace of hearts of our side, if we can.

[They take Overdo out.

EnterPOCHER,andOfficerswithBUSY,followed byDame PURECRAFT.

Poch.Come, bring him away to his fellow there.—Master Busy, we shall rule your legs, I hope, though we cannot rule your tongue.

Busy.No, minister of darkness, no; thou canst not rule my tongue; my tongue it is mine own, and with it I will both knock and mock down your Bartholomew abominations, till you be made a hissing to the neighbouring parishes round about.

Hag.Let him alone, we have devised better upon’t.

Pure.And shall he not into the stocks then?

Bri.No, mistress, we’ll have them both to justice Overdo, and let him do over ’em as is fitting: then I, and my gossip Haggise, and my beadle Pocher, are discharged.

Pure.O, I thank you, blessed honest men!

Bri.Nay, never thank us; but thank this madman that comes here! he put it in our heads.

Re-enterTROUBLEALL.

Pure.Is he mad? now heaven increase his madness, and bless it, and thank it.—Sir, your poor handmaid thanks you.

Tro.Have you a warrant? an you have a warrant, shew it.

Pure.Yes, I have a warrant out of the word, to give thanks for removing any scorn intended to the brethren.

[Exeunt all but Troubleall.

Tro.It is justice Overdo’s warrant that I look for; if you have not that, keep your word, I’ll keep mine. Quit ye, and multiply ye.

EnterEDGWORTHandNIGHTINGALE.

Edg.Come away, Nightingale, I pray thee.

Tro.Whither go you? where’s your warrant?

Edg.Warrant! for what, sir?

Tro.For what you go about, you know how fit it is; an you have no warrant, bless you, I’ll pray for you, that’s all I can do.

[Exit.

Edg.What means he?

Night.A madman that haunts the Fair; do you not know him? It’s marvel he has not more followers after his ragged heels.

Edg.Beshrew him, he startled me: I thought he had known of our plot. Guilt’s a terrible thing. Have you prepared the costard-monger?

Night.Yes, and agreed for his basket of pears; he is at the corner here, ready. And your prize, he comes down sailing that way all alone, without his protector; he is rid of him, it seems.

Edg.Ay, I know; I should have followed his protectorship, for a feat I am to do upon him: but this offered itself so in the way, I could not let scape: here he comes, whistle; be this sport call’d Dorring the Dotterel.

Re-enterCOKES.

Night.Wh, wh, wh, wh, etc.

[Whistles.

Cokes.By this light, I cannot find my gingerbread wife, nor my hobby-horse man, in all the Fair now, to have my money again: and I do not know the way out on’t, to go home for more. Do you hear, friend, you that whistle? what tune is that you whistle?

Night.A new tune I am practising, sir.

Cokes.Dost thou know where I dwell, I pray thee? nay, on with thy tune; I have no such haste for an answer: I’ll practise with thee.

EnterCOSTARD-MONGER,with a basket of Pears.

Cos.Buy any pears, very fine pears, pears fine!

[Nightingale sets his foot afore him, and he falls with his basket.

Cokes.Ods so! a muss, a muss, a muss, a muss!

[Falls a scrambling for the pears.

Cos.Good gentlemen, my ware, my ware; I am a poor man. Good sir, my ware.

Night.Let me hold your sword, sir, it troubles you.

Cokes.Do, and my cloke an thou wilt, and my hat too.

Edg.A delicate great boy! methinks he out-scrambles them all. I cannot persuade myself, but he goes to grammar-school yet, and plays the truant to-day.

Night.Would he had another purse to cut, Zekiel.

Edg.Purse! a man might cut out his kidneys, I think, and he never feel ’em, he is so earnest at the sport.

Night.His soul is half way out on’s body at the game.

Edg.Away, Nightingale; that way.

[Nightingale runs off with his sword, cloke, and hat.

Cokes.I think I am furnish’d for cather’ne pears, for one under-meal: Give me my cloke.

Cos.Good gentleman, give me my ware.

Cokes.Where’s the fellow I gave my cloke to? my cloke and my hat; ha! ods ’lid, is he gone? thieves, thieves! help me to cry, gentlemen.

[Exit hastily.

Edg.Away, costard-monger, come to us to Ursula’s.

[Exit Costard-Monger.]

Talk of him to have a soul! ’heart, if he have any more than a thing given him instead of salt, only to keep him from stinking, I’ll be hang’d afore my time, presently: where should it be, trow? in his blood? he has not so much toward it in his whole body as will maintain a good flea! and if he take this course, he will not have so much land left as to rear a calf, within this twelvemonth. Was there ever green plover so pull’d! that his little overseer had been here now, and been but tall enough to see him steal pears, in exchange for his beaver-hat and his cloke thus! I must go find him out next, for his black box, and his patent, it seems, he has of his place; which I think the gentleman would have a reversion of, that spoke to me for it so earnestly.

[Exit.

Re-enterCOKES.

Cokes.Would I might lose my doublet, and hose, too, as I am an honest man, and never stir, if I think there be any thing but thieving and cozening in this whole Fair. Bartholomew Fair, quoth he! an ever any Bartholomew had that luck in’t that I have had, I’ll be martyr’d for him, and in Smithfield too. I have paid for my pears,a rot on ’em! I’ll keep them no longer; [throws away his pears.] you were choke-pears to me: I had been better have gone to mum-chance for you, I wuss. Methinks the Fair should not have used me thus, an ’twere but for my name’s-sake; I would not have used a dog o’ the name so. O, Numps will triumph now!—

EnterTROUBLEALL.

Friend, do you know who I am, or where I lie? I do not myself, I’ll be sworn. Do but carry me home, and I’ll please thee; I have money enough there. I have lost myself, and my cloke, and my hat, and my fine sword, and my sister, and Numps, and mistress Grace, a gentlewoman that I should have married, and a cut-work handkerchief she gave me, and two purses, to-day; and my bargain of hobby-horses and gingerbread, which grieves me worst of all.

Tro.By whose warrant, sir, have you done all this?

Cokes.Warrant! thou art a wise fellow indeed: as if a man need a warrant to lose any thing with.

Tro.Yes, justice Overdo’s warrant, a man may get and lose with, I’ll stand to’t.

Cokes.Justice Overdo! dost thou know him? I lie there, he is my brother-in-law, he married my sister: pray thee shew me the way; dost thou know the house?

Tro.Sir, shew me your warrant: I know nothing without a warrant, pardon me.

Cokes.Why, I warrant thee; come along: thou shalt see I have wrought pillows there, and cambric sheets, and sweet bags too. Pray thee guide me to the house.

Tro.Sir, I’ll tell you; go you thither yourself first alone, tell your worshipful brother your mind, and but bring me three lines of his hand, or his clerk’s, with Adam Overdo underneath, (here I’ll stay you,) I’ll obey you, and I’ll guide you presently.

Cokes.’Slid, this is an ass, I have found him: pox upon me, what do I talking to such a dull fool! farewell! you are a very coxcomb, do you hear?

Tro.I think I am; if justice Overdo sign to it, I am, and so we are all: he’ll quit us all, multiply us all.

[Exeunt.

SCENE II.—Another part of the Fair.

EnterGRACE, QUARLOUS,andWINWIFE,with their swords drawn.

Grace.Gentlemen, this is no way that you take; you do but breed one another trouble and offence, and give me no contentment at all. I am not she that affects to be quarrell’d for, or have my name or fortune made the question of men’s swords.

Quar.’Sblood, we love you.

Grace.If you both love me, as you pretend, your own reason will tell you, but one can enjoy me: and to that point there leads a directer line, than by my infamy, which must follow, if you fight. ’Tis true, I have profest it to you ingenuously, that rather than tobe yoked with this bridegroom is appointed me, I would take up any husband almost upon any trust; though subtlety would say to me, I know, he is a fool, and has an estate, and I might govern him, and enjoy a friend beside: but these are not my aims; I must have a husband I must love, or I cannot live with him. I shall ill make one of these politic wives.

Winw.Why, if you can like either of us, lady, say, which is he, and the other shall swear instantly to desist.

Quar.Content, I accord to that willingly.

Grace.Sure you think me a woman of an extreme levity, gentlemen, or a strange fancy, that, meeting you by chance in such a place as this, both at one instant, and not yet of two hours’ acquaintance, neither of you deserving afore the other of me, I should so forsake my modesty (though I might affect one more particularly) as to say, this is he, and name him.

Quar.Why, wherefore should you not? what should hinder you?

Grace.If you would not give it to my modesty, allow it yet to my wit; give me so much of woman and cunning, as not to betray myself impertinently. How can I judge of you, so far as to a choice, without knowing you more? You are both equal, and alike to me yet, and so indifferently affected by me, as each of you might be the man, if the other were away: for you are reasonable creatures, you have understanding and discourse; and if fate send me an understanding husband, I have no fear at all but mine own manners shall make him a good one.

Quar.Would I were put forth to making for you then.

Grace.It may be you are, you know not what is toward you: will you consent to a motion of mine, gentlemen?

Winw.Whatever it be, we’ll presume reasonableness, coming from you.

Quar.And fitness too.

Grace.I saw one of you buy a pair of tables, e’en now.

Winw.Yes, here they be, and maiden ones too, unwritten in.

Grace.The fitter for what they may be employed in. You shall write either of you here a word or a name, what you like best, but of two or three syllables at most; and the next person that comes this way, because Destiny has a high hand in business of this nature, I’ll demand which of the two words he or she doth approve, and, according to that sentence, fix my resolution and affection without change.

Quar.Agreed; my word is conceived already.

Winw.And mine shall not be long creating after.

Grace.But you shall promise, gentlemen, not to be curious to know which of you it is, taken; but give me leave to conceal that, till you have brought me either home, or where I may safely tender myself.

Winw.Why, that’s but equal.

Quar.We are pleased.

Grace.Because I will bind both your endeavours to work togetherfriendly and jointly each to the other’s fortune, and have myself fitted with some means, to make him that is forsaken a part of amends.

Quar.These conditions are very courteous. Well, my word is out of the Arcadia, then;Argalus.

Winw.And mine out of the PlayPalemon.

[They write.

EnterTROUBLEALL.

Tro.Have you any warrant for this, gentlemen?

Quar. Winw.Ha!

Tro.There must be a warrant had, believe it.

Winw.For what?

Tro.For whatsoever it is, any thing indeed, no matter what.

Quar.’Slight, here’s a fine ragged prophet dropt down i’ the nick!

Tro.Heaven quit you, gentlemen!

Quar.Nay, stay a little: good lady, put him to the question.

Grace.You are content then?

Winw.Quar.Yes, yes.

Grace.Sir, here are two names written—

Tro.Is justice Overdo one?

Grace.How, sir! I pray you read them to yourself; it is for a wager between these gentlemen; and with a stroke, or any difference, mark which you approve best.

Tro.They may be both worshipful names for aught I know, mistress; but Adam Overdo had been worth three of them, I assure you in this place, that’s in plain English.

Grace.This man amazes me: I pray you like one of them, sir.

Tro.[marks the book.] I do like him there, that has the best warrant, mistress, to save your longing, and (multiply him) it may be this. But I am still for justice Overdo, that’s my conscience; and quit you.

Winw.Is it done, lady?

Grace.Ay, and strangely, as ever I saw: what fellow is this, trow?

Quar.No matter what, a fortune-teller we have made him; which is it, which is it?

Grace.Nay, did you not promise not to inquire?

EnterEDGWORTH.

Quar.’Slid, I forgot that, pray you pardon me.—Look, here’s our Mercury come; the license arrives in the finest time too! ’tis but scraping out Cokes his name, and ’tis done.

Winw.How now, lime-twig, hast thou touch’d?

Edg.Not yet, sir; except you would go with me and see it, it is not worth speaking on. The act is nothing without a witness. Yonder he is, your man with the box, fallen into the finest company, and so transported with vapours! they have got in a northern clothier, and one Puppy, a western man, that’s come to wrestle before my lord mayor anon, and captain Whit, and one Val. Cutting,that helps captain Jordan to roar, a circling boy; with whom your Numps is so taken, that you may strip him of his clothes, if you will. I’ll undertake to geld him for you, if you had but a surgeon ready to sear him. And mistress Justice there, is the goodest woman! she does so love them all over in terms of justice and the style of authority, with her hood upright that—I beseech you come away, gentlemen, and see’t.

Quar.’Slight, I would not lose it for the Fair; what will you do, Ned?

Winw.Why, stay hereabout for you: mistress Wellborn must not be seen.

Quar.Do so, and find out a priest in the mean time; I’ll bring the license.—Lead, which way is’t?

Edg.Here, sir, you are on the back o’ the booth already; you may hear the noise.

[Exeunt.

SCENE III.—Another part of the Fair.

URSULA’SBooth as before.

KNOCKEM, WHIT, NORTHERN, PUPPY, CUTTING, WASPE,andMrs. OVERDO,discovered, all in a state of intoxication.

Knock.Whit, bid Val. Cutting continue the vapours for a lift, Whit, for a lift. [Aside, to Whit.

Nor.I’ll ne mare, I’ll ne mare; the eale’s too meeghty.

Knock.How now! my galloway nag the staggers, ha! Whit, give him a slit in the forehead. Chear up, man; a needle and thread to stitch his ears. I’d cure him now, an I had it, with a little butter and garlick, long pepper and grains. Where’s my horn? I’ll give him a mash presently, shall take away this dizziness.

Pup.Why, where are you, zurs? do you vlinch, and leave us in the zuds now?

Nor.I’ll ne mare, I is e’en as vull as a paiper’s bag, by my troth, I.

Pup.Do my northern cloth zhrink i’ the wetting, ha?

Knock.Why, well said, old flea-bitten; thou’lt never tire I see.

[They fall to their vapours again.

Cut.No, sir, but he may tire if it please him.

Whit.Who told dee sho, that he vuld never teer, man?

Cut.No matter who told him so, so long as he knows.

Knock.Nay, I know nothing, sir, pardon me there.

Enter behind, EDGWORTHwithQUARLOUS.

Edg.They are at it still, sir; this they call vapours.

Whit.He shall not pardon dee, captain: dou shalt not be pardoned. Pre’dee, shweet-heart, do not pardon him.

Cut.’Slight, I’ll pardon him, an I list, whosoever says nay to’t.

Quar.Where’s Numps? I miss him.

Waspe.Why, I say nay to’t.

Quar.O, there he is.

Knock.To what do you say nay, sir?

[Here they continue their game of vapours, which is nonsense. Every man to oppose the last man that spoke, whether it concern’d him, or no.

Waspe.To any thing, whatsoever it is, so long as I do not like it.

Whit.Pardon me, little man, dou musht like it a little.

Cut.No, he must not like it at all, sir: there you are i’ the wrong.

Whit.I tink I bee; he musht not like it indeed.

Cut.Nay, then he both must and will like it, sir, for all you.

Knock.If he have reason, he may like it, sir.

Whit.By no meensh, captain, upon reason, he may like nothing upon reason.

Waspe.I have no reason, nor I will hear of no reason, nor I will look for no reason, and he is an ass that either knows any, or looks for’t from me.

Cut.Yes, in some sense you may have reason, sir.

Waspe.Ay, in some sense, I care not if I grant you.

Whit.Pardon me, thou ougsht to grant him nothing in no shensh, if dou do love dyshelf, angry man.

Waspe.Why then, I do grant him nothing; and I have no sense.

Cut.’Tis true, thou hast no sense indeed.

Waspe.’Slid, but I have sense, now I think on’t better, and I will grant him any thing, do you see.

Knock.He is in the right, and does utter a sufficient vapour.

Cut.Nay, it is no sufficient vapour neither, I deny that.

Knock.Then it is a sweet vapour.

Cut.It may be a sweet vapour.

Waspe.Nay, it is no sweet vapour neither, sir, it stinks, and I’ll stand to it.

Whit.Yes, I tink it dosh shtink, captain: all vapour dosh shtink.

Waspe.Nay, then it does not stink, sir, and it shall not stink.

Cut.By your leave it may, sir.

Waspe.Ay, by my leave it may stink, I know that.

Whit.Pardon me, thou knowesht nothing, it cannot by thy leave, angry man.

Waspe.How can it not?

Knock.Nay, never question him, for he is in the right.

Whit.Yesh, I am in de right, I confesh it, so ish de little man too.

Waspe.I’ll have nothing confest that concerns me. I am not in the right, nor never was in the right, nor never will be in the right, while I am in my right mind.

Cut.Mind! why, here’s no man minds you, sir, nor any thing else.

[They drink again.

Pup.Vriend, will you mind this that we do?

[Offering Northern the cup.

Quar.Call you this vapours! this is such belching of quarrel as I never heard. Will you mind your business, sir?

Edg.You shall see, sir.

[Goes up to Waspe.

Nor.I’ll ne mare, my waimb warkes too mickle with this auready.

Edg.Will you take that, master Waspe, that nobody should mind you?

Waspe.Why, what have you to do? is’t any matter to you?

Edg.No, but methinks you should not be unminded, though.

Waspe.Nor I wu’ not be, now I think on’t. Do you hear, new acquaintance? does no man mind me, say you?

Cut.Yes, sir, every man here minds you, but how?

Waspe.Nay, I care as little how as you do; that was not my question.

Whit.No, noting was ty question, tou art a learned man, and I am a valiant man, i’faith la, tou shalt speak for me, and I will fight for tee.

Knock.Fight for him, Whit! a gross vapour, he can fight for himself.

Waspe.It may be I can, but it may be I wu’ not, how then?

Cut.Why then you may choose.

Waspe.Why, then I’ll choose whether I choose or no.

Knock.I think you may, and ’tis true; and I allow it for a resolute vapour.

Waspe.Nay then, I do think you do not think, and it is no resolute vapour.

Cut.Yes, in some sort he may allow you.

Knock.In no sort, sir, pardon me, I can allow him nothing. You mistake the vapour.

Waspe.He mistakes nothing, sir, in no sort.

Whit.Yes I pre dee now, let him mistake.

Waspe.A turd in your teeth, never pre dee me, for I will have nothing mistaken.

Knock.Turd! ha, turd? a noisome vapour: strike, Whit. [Aside to Whit.

[They fall together by the ears, while Edgworth steals the license out of the box, and exit.

Mrs. Over.Why, gentlemen, why, gentlemen, I charge you upon my authority, conserve the peace. In the king’s name, and my husband’s, put up your weapons, I shall be driven to commit you myself, else.

Quar.Ha, ha, ha!

Waspe.Why do you laugh, sir?

Quar.Sir, you’ll allow me my christian liberty; I may laugh, I hope.

Cut.In some sort you may, and in some sort you may not, sir.

Knock.Nay, in some sort, sir, he may neither laugh nor hope in this company.

Waspe.Yes, then he may both laugh and hope in any sort, an’t please him.

Quar.Faith, and I will then, for it doth please me exceedingly.

Waspe.No exceedingly neither, sir.

Knock.No, that vapour is too lofty.

Quar.Gentlemen, I do not play well at your game of vapours, I am not very good at it, but—

Cut.[draws a circle on the ground.] Do you hear, sir? I would speak with you in circle.

Quar.In circle, sir! what would you with me in circle?

Cut.Can you lend me a piece, a Jacobus, in circle?

Quar.’Slid, your circle will prove more costly than your vapours, then. Sir, no, I lend you none.

Cut.Your beard’s not well turn’d up, sir.

Quar.How, rascal! are you playing with my beard? I’ll break circle with you.

[They all draw and fight.

Pup.Nor.Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Knock.[aside to Whit.] Gather up, Whit, gather up, Whit, good vapours.

[Exit, while Whit takes up the swords, clokes, etc., and conceals them.

Mrs. Over.What mean you? are you rebels, gentlemen? shall I send out a serjeant at arms, or a writ of rebellion, against you? I’ll commit you upon my woman-hood, for a riot, upon my justice-hood, if you persist.

[Exeunt Quarlous and Cutting.

Waspe.Upon my justice-hood! marry shite o’ your hood: you’ll commit! spoke like a true justice of peace’s wife indeed, and a fine female lawyer! turd in your teeth for a fee, now.

Mrs. Over.Why, Numps, in master Overdo’s name, I charge you.

Waspe.Good mistress Underdo, hold your tongue.

Mrs. Over.Alas, poor Numps!

Waspe.Alas! and whyalasfrom you, I beseech you? or whypoorNumps, goody Rich? Am I come to be pitied by your tuft-taffata now? Why, mistress, I knew Adam the clerk, your husband, when he was Adam Scrivener, and writ for two-pence a sheet, as high as he bears his head now, or you your hood, dame.—

EnterBRISTLEand otherWatchmen.

What are you, sir?

Bri.We be men, and no infidels; what is the matter here, and the noises, can you tell?

Waspe.Heart, what ha’ you to do? cannot a man quarrel in quietness, but he must be put out on’t by you! what are you?

Bri.Why, we be his majesty’s watch, sir.

Waspe.Watch! ’sblood, you are a sweet watch indeed. A body would think, an you watch’d well a nights, you should be contented to sleep at this time a day. Get you to your fleas and your flock-beds, you rogues, your kennels, and lie down close.

Bri.Down! yes, we will down, I warrant you: down with him, in his majesty’s name, down, down with him, and carry him away to the pigeon-holes.

[Some of the Watch seize Waspe, and carry him off.

Mrs. Over.I thank you, honest friends, in the behalf o’ the crown, and the peace, and in master Overdo’s name, for suppressing enormities.

Whit.Stay, Bristle, here ish anoder brash of drunkards, but very quiet, special drunkards, will pay de five shillings very well. [Points to Northern and Puppy, drunk, and asleep, on the bench.] Take ’em to de, in de graish o’ God: one of hem do’s change cloth for ale in the Fair, here; te toder ish a strong man, a mighty man, my lordmayor’s man, and a wrastler. He has wrashled so long with the bottle here, that the man with the beard hash almosht streek up hish heelsh.

Bri.’Slid, the clerk o’ the market has been to cry him all the Fair over here, for my lord’s service.

Whit.Tere he ish, pre de taik him hensh, and make ty best on him. [Exeunt Bristle and the rest of the Watch with Northern and Puppy.]—How now, woman o’ shilk, vat ailsh ty shweet faish? art tou melancholy?

Mrs. Over.A little distempered with these enormities. Shall I entreat a courtesy of you, captain?

Whit.Entreat a hundred, velvet voman, I vill do it, shpeak out.

Mrs. Over.I cannot with modesty speak it out, but—

[Whispers him.

Whit.I vill do it, and more and more, for de. What Ursla, an’t be bitch, an’t be bawd, an’t be!

EnterURSULA.

Urs.How now, rascal! what roar you for, old pimp?

Whit.Here, put up de clokes, Ursh; de purchase. Pre de now, shweet Ursh, help dis good brave voman to a jordan, an’t be.

Urs.’Slid call your captain Jordan to her, can you not?

Whit.Nay, pre de leave dy consheits, and bring the velvet woman to de—

Urs.I bring her! hang her: heart, must I find a common pot for every punk in your purlieus?

Whit.O good voordsh, Ursh, it ish a guest o’ velvet, i’fait la.

Urs.Let her sell her hood, and buy a spunge, with a pox to her! my vessel is employed, sir. I have but one, and ’tis the bottom of an old bottle. An honest proctor and his wife are at it within; if she’ll stay her time, so.

[Exit.

Whit.As soon as tou cansht, shweet Ursh. Of a valiant man I tink I am te patientsh man i’ the world, or in all Smithfield.

Re-enterKNOCKEM.

Knock.How now, Whit! close vapours, stealing your leaps! covering in corners, ha!

Whit.No, fait, captain, dough tou beesht a vishe man, dy vit is a mile hence now. I vas procuring a shmall courtesie for a woman of fashion here.

Mrs. Over.Yes, captain, though I am a justice of peace’s wife, I do love men of war, and the sons of the sword, when they come before my husband.

Knock.Say’st thou so, filly? thou shalt have a leap presently, I’ll horse thee myself, else.

Urs.[within.] Come, will you bring her in now, and let her take her turn?

Whit.Gramercy, good Ursh, I tank de.

Mrs. Over.Master Overdo shall thank her.

[Exit.

Re-enterURSULA,followed byLITTLEWIT,andMrs. LITTLEWIT.

Lit.Good ga’mere Urse, Win and I are exceedingly beholden to you, and to captain Jordan, and captain Whit.—Win, I’ll be bold to leave you, in this good company, Win; for half an hour or so, Win; while I go and see how my matter goes forward, and if the puppets be perfect; and then I’ll come and fetch you, Win.

Mrs. Lit.Will you leave me alone with two men, John?

Lit.Ay, they are honest gentlemen, Win, captain Jordan and captain Whit; they’ll use you very civilly, Win. God be wi’ you, Win.

[Exit.

Urs.What, is her husband gone?

Knock.On his false gallop, Urse, away.

Urs.An you be right Bartholomew birds, now show yourselves so: we are undone for want of fowl in the Fair, here. Here will be Zekiel Edgworth, and three or four gallants with him at night, and I have neither plover nor quail for them: persuade this between you two, to become a bird o’ the game, while I work the velvet woman within, as you call her.

Knock.I conceive thee, Urse: go thy ways. [Exit Ursula.]—Dost thou hear, Whit? is’t not pity, my delicate dark chestnut here, with the fine lean head, large forehead, round eyes, even mouth, sharp ears, long neck, thin crest, close withers, plain back, deep sides, short fillets, and full flanks; with a round belly, a plump buttock, large thighs, knit knees, strait legs, short pasterns, smooth hoofs, and short heels, should lead a dull honest woman’s life, that might live the life of a lady?

Whit.Yes, by my fait and trot it is, captain; de honest woman’s life is a scurvy dull life indeed, la.

Mrs. Lit.How, sir, is an honest woman’s life a scurvy life?

Whit.Yes fait, shweet-heart, believe him, de leef of a bond-woman! but if dou vilt hearken to me, I vill make tee a free woman and a lady; dou shalt live like a lady, as te captain saish.

Knock.Ay, and be honest too sometimes; have her wires and her tires, her green gowns and velvet petticoats.

Whit.Ay, and ride to Ware and Rumford in dy coash, shee de players, be in love vit ’em: sup vit gallantsh, be drunk, and cost de noting.

Knock.Brave vapours!

Whit.And lie by twenty on ’em, if dou pleash, shweet-heart.

Mrs. Lit.What, and be honest still! that were fine sport.

Whit.Tish common, shweet-heart, tou may’st do it by my hand: it shall be justified to thy husband’s faish, now: tou shalt be as honesht as the skin between his hornsh, la.

Knock.Yes, and wear a dressing, top and top-gallant, to compare with e’er a husband on ’em all, for a foretop: it is the vapour of spirit in the wife to cuckold now a days, as it is the vapour of fashion in the husband not to suspect. Your prying cat-eyed citizen is an abominable vapour.

Mrs. Lit.Lord, what a fool have I been!

Whit.Mend then, and do every ting like a lady hereafter; never know ty husband from another man.

Knock.Nor any one man from another, but in the dark.

Whit.Ay, and then it ish no disgrash to know any man.

Urs.[within.] Help, help here!

Knock.How now? what vapour’s there?

Re-enterURSULA.

Urs.O, you are a sweet ranger, and look well to your walks! Yonder is your punk of Turnbull, ramping Alice, has fallen upon the poor gentlewoman within, and pull’d her hood over her ears, and her hair through it.

EnterALICE,beating and driving inMrs. OVERDO.

Mrs. Over.Help, help, in the king’s name!

Alice.A mischief on you, they are such as you are that undo us and take our trade from us, with your tuft-taffata haunches.

Knock.How now, Alice!

Alice.The poor common whores can have no traffic for the privy rich ones; your caps and hoods of velvet call away our customers, and lick the fat from us.

Urs.Peace, you foul ramping jade, you—

Alice.Od’s foot, you bawd in grease, are you talking?

Knock.Why, Alice, I say.

Alice.Thou sow of Smithfield, thou!

Urs.Thou tripe of Turnbull!

Knock.Cat-a-mountain vapours, ha!

Urs.You know where you were taw’d lately; both lash’d and slash’d you were in Bridewell.

Alice.Ay, by the same token you rid that week, and broke out the bottom of the cart, night-tub.

Knock.Why, lion face, ha! do you know who I am? shall I tear ruff, slit waistcoat, make rags of petticoat, ha! go to, vanish for fear of vapours. Whit, a kick, Whit, in the parting vapour. [They kick out Alice.] Come, brave woman, take a good heart, thou shalt be a lady too.

Whit.Yes fait, dey shall all both be ladies, and write madam: I vill do’t myself for dem. Do is the word, and D is the middle letter of madam, D D, put ’em together, and make deeds, without which all words are alike, la.

Knock.’Tis true: Ursula, take them in, open thy wardrobe, and fit them to their calling. Green gowns, crimson petticoats, green women, my lord mayor’s green women! guests o’ the game, true bred. I’ll provide you a coach to take the air in.

Mrs. Lit.But do you think you can get one?

Knock.O, they are common as wheelbarrows where there are great dunghills. Every pettifogger’s wife has ’em; for first he buys a coach that he may marry, and then he marries that he maybe made cuckold in’t: for if their wives ride not to their cuckolding, they do them no credit. [Exeunt Ursula, Mrs. Littlewit, and Mrs. Overdo.]—Hide, and be hidden, ride and be ridden,says the vapour of experience.

EnterTROUBLEALL.

Tro.By what warrant does it say so?

Knock.Ha, mad child o’ the Pie-poudres! art thou there? fill us a fresh can, Urse, we may drink together.

Tro.I may not drink without a warrant, captain.

Knock.’Slood, thou’lt not stale without a warrant shortly. Whit, give me pen, ink, and paper, I’ll draw him a warrant presently.

Tro.It must be justice Overdo’s.

Knock.I know, man; fetch the drink, Whit.

Whit.I pre dee now, be very brief, captain, for de new ladies stay for dee.

[Exit, and re-enters with a can.

Knock.O, as brief as can be, here ’tis already. [Gives Troubleall a paper.] Adam Overdo.

Tro.Why now I’ll pledge you, captain.

Knock.Drink it off, I’ll come to thee anon again.

[Exeunt.

SCENE IV.—The back ofURSULA’SBooth.

OVERDOin the stocks. People, etc.

EnterQUARLOUSwith the license, andEDGWORTH.

Quar.Well, sir, you are now discharged; beware of being spied hereafter.

Edg.Sir, will it please you, enter in here at Ursula’s, and take part of a silken gown, a velvet petticoat, or a wrought smock; I am promised such, and I can spare a gentleman a moiety.

Quar.Keep it for your companions in beastliness, I am none of them, sir. If I had not already forgiven you a greater trespass, or thought you yet worth my beating, I would instruct your manners, to whom you made your offers. But go your ways, talk not to me, the hangman is only fit to discourse with you; the hand of beadle is too merciful a punishment for your trade of life. [Exit Edgworth.]—I am sorry I employ’d this fellow, for he thinks me such;facinus quos inquinat, æquat.But it was for sport; and would I make it serious, the getting of this license is nothing to me, without other circumstances concur. I do think how impertinently I labour, if the word be not mine that the ragged fellow mark’d: and what advantage I have given Ned Winwife in this time now of working her, though it be mine. He’ll go near to form to her what a debauched rascal I am, and fright her out of all good conceit of me: I should do so by him, I am sure, if I had the opportunity. But my hope is in her temper yet; and it must needs be next to despair, that is grounded on any part of a woman’s discretion. I would give, by my troth now, all I could spare, to my clothes and my sword, tomeet my tatter’d soothsayer again, who was my judge in the question, to know certainly whose word he has damn’d or saved; for till then I live but under a reprieve. I must seek him. Who be these?

EnterBRISTLEand some of theWatch,withWASPE.

Waspe.Sir, you are a Welsh cuckold, and a prating runt, and no constable.

Bri.You say very well.—Come, put in his leg in the middle roundel, and let him hole there.

[They put him in the stocks.

Waspe.You stink of leeks, metheglin, and cheese, you rogue.

Bri.Why, what is that to you, if you sit sweetly in the stocks in the mean time? if you have a mind to stink too, your breeches sit close enough to your bum. Sit you merry, sir.

Quar.How now, Numps?

Waspe.It is no matter how; pray you look off.

Quar.Nay, I’ll not offend you, Numps; I thought you had sat there to be seen.

Waspe.And to be sold, did you not? pray you mind your business, an you have any.

Quar.Cry you mercy, Numps; does your leg lie high enough?

EnterHAGGISE.

Bri.How now, neighbour Haggise, what says justice Overdo’s worship to the other offenders?

Hag.Why, he says just nothing; what should he say, or where should he say? He is not to be found, man; he has not been seen in the Fair here all this live-long day, never since seven a clock i’ the morning. His clerks know not what to think on’t. There is no court of Pie-poudres yet. Here they be return’d.

Enter others of theWatchwithBUSY.

Bri.What shall be done with them, then, in your discretion?

Hag.I think we were best put them in the stocks in discretion (there they will be safe in discretion) for the valour of an hour, or such a thing, till his worship come.

Bri.It is but a hole matter if we do, neighbour Haggise; come, sir, [to Waspe.] here is company for you; heave up the stocks.

[As they open the stocks, Waspe puts his shoe on his hand, and slips it in for his leg.

Waspe.I shall put a trick upon your Welsh diligence perhaps. [Aside.

Bri.Put in your leg, sir. [To Busy.

Quar.What, rabbi Busy! is he come?

Busy.I do obey thee; the lion may roar, but he cannot bite. I am glad to be thus separated from the heathen of the land, and put apart in the stocks, for the holy cause.

Waspe.What are you, sir?

Busy.One that rejoiceth in his affliction, and sitteth here toprophesy the destruction of fairs and May-games, wakes and Whitson-ales, and doth sigh and groan for the reformation of these abuses.

Waspe.[to Overdo.] And do you sigh and groan too, or rejoice in your affliction?

Over.I do not feel it, I do not think of it, it is a thing without me: Adam, thou art above these batteries, these contumelies.In te manca ruit fortuna, as thy friend Horace says; thou art one,Quem neque pauperies, neque mors, neque vincula, terrent.And therefore, as another friend of thine says, I think it be thy friend Persius,Non te quæsiveris extra.

Quar.What’s here! a stoic in the stocks? the fool is turn’d philosopher.

Busy.Friend, I will leave to communicate my spirit with you, if I hear any more of those superstitious relics, those lists of Latin, the very rags of Rome, and patches of popery.

Waspe.Nay, an you begin to quarrel, gentlemen, I’ll leave you. I have paid for quarrelling too lately: look you, a device, but shifting in a hand for a foot. God be wi’ you.

[Slips out his hand.

Busy.Wilt thou then leave thy brethren in tribulation?

Waspe.For this once, sir.

[Exit, running.

Busy.Thou art a halting neutral; stay him there, stop him, that will not endure the heat of persecution.

Bri.How now, what’s the matter?

Busy.He is fled, he is fled, and dares not sit it out.

Bri.What, has he made an escape! which way? follow, neighbour Haggise.

[Exeunt Haggise and Watch.

EnterDame PURECRAFT.

Pure.O me, in the stocks! have the wicked prevail’d?

Busy.Peace, religious sister, it is my calling, comfort yourself; an extraordinary calling, and done for my better standing, my surer standing, hereafter.

EnterTROUBLEALL,with a can.

Tro.By whose warrant, by whose warrant, this?

Quar.O, here’s my man dropt in I look’d for.

Over.Ha!

Pure.O, good sir, they have set the faithful here to be wonder’d at; and provided holes for the holy of the land.

Tro.Had they warrant for it? shew’d they justice Overdo’s hand? if they had no warrant, they shall answer it.

Re-enterHAGGISE.

Bri.Sure you did not lock the stocks sufficiently, neighbour Toby.

Hag.No! see if you can lock them better.

Bri.They are very sufficiently lock’d, and truly; yet something is in the matter.

Tro.True, your warrant is the matter that is in question; by what warrant?

Bri.Madman, hold your peace, I will put you in his room else in the very same hold, do you see?

Quar.How, is he a madman?

Tro.Shew me justice Overdo’s warrant, I obey you.

Hag.You are a mad fool, hold your tongue.

[Exeunt Haggise and Bristle.

Tro.In justice Overdo’s name, I drink to you, and here’s my warrant.

[Shews his can.

Over.Alas, poor wretch! how it yearns my heart for him! [Aside.

Quar.If he be mad, it is in vain to question him. I’ll try him though.—Friend, there was a gentlewoman shew’d you two names some hours since, Argalus and Palemon, to mark in a book; which of them was it you mark’d?

Tro.I mark no name but Adam Overdo, that is the name of names, he only is the sufficient magistrate; and that name I reverence, shew it me.

Quar.This fellow’s mad indeed: I am further off now than afore.

Over.I shall not breathe in peace till I have made him some amends. [Aside.

Quar.Well, I will make another use of him is come in my head: I have a nest of beards in my trunk, one something like his.

Re-enterBRISTLEandHAGGISE.

Bri.This mad fool has made me that I know not whether I have lock’d the stocks or no; I think I lock’d them.

[Tries the locks.

Tro.Take Adam Overdo in your mind, and fear nothing.

Bri.’Slid, madness itself! hold thy peace, and take that.

[Strikes him.

Tro.Strikest thou without a warrant? take thou that.

[They fight, and leave open the stocks in the scuffle.

Busy.We are delivered by miracle; fellow in fetters, let us not refuse the means; this madness was of the spirit: the malice of the enemy hath mock’d itself.

[Exeunt Busy and Overdo.

Pure.Mad do they call him! the world is mad in error, but he is mad in truth: I love him o’ the sudden (the cunning man said all true) and shall love him more and more. How well it becomes a man to be mad in truth! O, that I might be his yoke-fellow, and be mad with him, what a many should we draw to madness in truth with us!

[Exit.

Bri.How now, all ’scaped! where’s the woman? it is witchcraft! her velvet hat is a witch, o’ my conscience, or my key! the one.—The madman was a devil, and I am an ass; so bless me, my place, and mine office!

[Exeunt, affrighted.

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