CHAPTER VIII
CHRISTENINGS
ANNOUNCING THE BIRTH OF THE CHILD
When a child is born the mother and father announce the fact to their friends by means of cards. These may be obtained in the prevailing style from any good stationer. Sometimes only one card is sent bearing the names of the parents and that of the child or the word, "Son" or "Daughter" if the name has not been decided upon. Another fashion which has become standard is the use of two cards, one somewhat larger than the ordinary visiting card and attached to it by a tiny white ribbon one very much smaller bearing the name of the infant. There are also dainty and attractive cards specially designed for the occasion. While these are not so formal as the plain white cards they are, when chosen with discrimination, very delightful and almost as personal as a note. Notes are usually sent only to one's most intimate friends.
RESPONDING TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT
Friends of the parents will, of course, hasten to congratulate them upon their good fortune. They may send flowers, magazines, jellies, etc., to the mother and to the youngster some little article pleasing because of its beauty or its utility. Gifts are not necessary, however, and a warm and sincere note expressing one's happiness at the good fortune of the parents is quite sufficient. The notemust not be perfunctory. You must remember that the child of your friend is the most wonderful infant that ever came to earth to live (and if your private opinion is to the contrary it is best to keep it private), and that conventional phrases are entirely inadequate. On the other hand it will not do to gush. Simplicity and sincerity are the best means to attain the end desired.
GODPARENTS
In the old world the selection of godparents is a very important duty and the office of the godfather and the godmother is actual rather than theoretical; but in this country it has a tendency to become a mere form. This should not be the case, for it is a high tribute to a friend to ask him to be the godfather of one's child and it is often an excellent thing for the child. It assures him at least one friend older than himself who has a very special interest in his welfare.
There may be four sponsors, or two, as one chooses, but in America there are usually only two, a godfather and a godmother. Whenever possible they should be asked in person and they should never be asked through a formally engraved card. For the sponsors are always intimate friends of the mother and father or relatives for whom they feel the highest regard. It is the interest of the child that is at stake and this should be taken into consideration by the parents before they make their final selection.
The duties of the godparents are not onerous. They promise always to befriend the child and at the time of the christening they present it with a gift of some sort—jewelry, garments, carriage or toilette accessories. They are present at the baptism, if possible, and accompany the mother and father to the altar. The father and godfather have little to do beyond lending the grace of their presence to the occasion. The godmother carries the infant to the altar, resplendent in his christening robe, and at the proper time hands it to the clergyman. If there are no sponsors the office of the godmother at the church may be filled by the baby's nurse or by the mother herself.
INVITATIONS TO A CHRISTENING
The christening is rarely an elaborate affair and the only guests are relatives and close friends. If it is not too much of a tax on the mother it is very lovely for her to write personal notes to each guest asking him or her to be present at the ceremony. If there is to be a considerable number present engraved cards may be dispatched. Examples of both the formal and the informal invitation are given below:
June 6, 19—My dear Grace,The baby is to be christened next Sunday at four o'clock at the Brick Church and both Harry and I are anxious to have you present. I think Harry Jr. would be also if he were old enough to know what it is all about.Cordially yours,Alice F. Duncan.
June 6, 19—
My dear Grace,
The baby is to be christened next Sunday at four o'clock at the Brick Church and both Harry and I are anxious to have you present. I think Harry Jr. would be also if he were old enough to know what it is all about.
Cordially yours,
Alice F. Duncan.
Mr. and Mrs. Harry T. Duncanrequest the pleasure of your companyat the christening of their sonon Sunday afternoon, June 6at four o'clockat the Brick Church
A CHURCH CHRISTENING
If the christening is to be an occasion of great formality and elaboration the church should be decorated, not elaborately as for a wedding but simply and prettily with smilax and ferns and delicate white flowers or in some other way that will indicate that the event is for a child and not for an older person.
The child's christening robe should be simple but exquisite. He may be brought in more gracefully if he is carried on a pillow or aporte-bébé.
The mother usually wears a reception gown, hat, and gloves. The women sponsors are similarly dressed while the masculine guests wear the prescribed outfit for afternoon receptions, the cutaway coat, etc., unless the christening takes place in the summer when light flannels may be substituted.
THE HOUSE CHRISTENING
There is very little difference between a christening that takes place at home and one at church. The house should be decorated and a font may be placed in the drawing-room. The mother's gown is less formal than the one she would wear to the church but the other details are practically the same.
AFTER THE BAPTISM
After the ceremony is over and the youngster has been duly admired and sent back to the nursery, there may be a reception or tea or even a dinner or breakfast, according to the time of the christening, for the guests. If the baptism took place at church the guests may drive immediately from there to the home, allowing the automobile containing the mother and father to precede them by a few minutes. If it took place at home matters are simplified, for the guests may pass into another room or the font may be placed to one side.
If there is a breakfast or luncheon served the clergyman who performed the ceremony is invited to be present, and whether or not it is customary to ask a blessing he is requested to pronounce one. He enters the dining-room with the child's grandmother, or if both grandmothers are present, with the elder.
GIFTS
Each person who is invited to the christening is expected to remember the infant with a gift of some sort. In view of the fact that there is usually nothing that he needs and that he is too young to appreciate anything, many people give for the future rather than for the present. Sometimes a friend of the mother will give the infant daughter a silver spoon, adding duplicates each year after on its birthday or at Christmas until they form a complete set. Books which he will appreciate later may be given. Money in the form of gold pieces or checks is most appropriate and is one of the most popular of gifts. Carriage and toilette accessories, jewelry, etc., are, of course, suitable but one should make sure that there is an actual need for them. Most people nowadays live in a limited amount of space with neither a garret nor a cellar to store things in.
PART II
"Politeness itself is always the same. The rules of etiquette which are merely the forms in which it finds expression, vary with time and place. A sincere regard for the rights of others, in the smallest matters as well as the largest; genuine kindness of heart; good taste and self command, which are the foundations of good manners, are never out of fashion."
—Samuel R. Wells.
CHAPTER I
INTRODUCTIONS
PURPOSE OF THE INTRODUCTION
The days of gallant cavaliers and courteous knights who bowed profusely and doffed their feathered hats to the very ground when introduced to ladies of the court are over. To-day, simplicity is the keynote in introductions—as in everything else. But the significance of those charming introductions of yore remains. We find that the introduction of to-day is still made and acknowledged with a certain measured grace and courtesy of manner. What it lacks in old-time picturesque gallantry it gains in a new friendliness that is in accord with whole-hearted warmth for which the Americans are famous.
Every day, in the social and business worlds alike, there is the constant need of introducing people correctly. But the correct introduction does not consist merely of making two strangers known to each other—perhaps just temporarily. To create an immediate friendliness between two people who have met for the first time, to do away with all hesitancy and embarrassment, to create smooth and pleasant conversation, to make the strangers want to continue their acquaintance—that is the purpose of the correct introduction. And its achievement rests entirely with the man or woman who is the medium of introduction.
A great many people have the mistaken impression that an introduction is meant solely to make two people known to each other for the short time that they are in company together. The correct introduction helps to create friendship—the kind of friendship that lasts. It is not enough to exchange names. It is not enough to present one person to another, and then forget about it completely. The adroit introducer draws the strangers into conversation at once, and leads casually into channels that he, or she, knows are of interest to both.
To introduce people correctly is an art in itself, and like any other art, it requires constant study and practice before one becomes adept.
CREATING CONVERSATION
We have mentioned conversation as being an ideal means of establishing immediate understanding between two strangers—or between a stranger and a group of guests. Let us consider first the best means to employ in creating conversation between two persons who have just been introduced.
Elaborate manner should be avoided. Simple words and phraseology are always most effective, especially when one's manner and tone are sincere. Brevity is also a virtue to be developed in introducing people. If a scientist and a student meet in your home for the first time, the student is presented to the older man. The host or hostess might introduce them in this manner: "Mr. Rogers, let me present Mr. Brown, who is making a study of social science at Pennsylvania University." Naturally, an introduction of this kind would lead directly into a discussion on science—and both men would feel entirely at ease in each other's company.
In introducing a gentleman to a lady, the same rule of mutual interest for creating conversation holds true. The hostess might say, "Miss Murray, allow me to present Mr. Smith, who stopped at the Palms last summer just before you arrived." Of course, the young people would immediately have something to talk about, and there would be no strained feeling of the sort that usually follows in the wake of a poor introduction. Or, if Mr. Smith is an author, and Miss Murray is very fond of reading, the hostess would say, "Miss Murray, I'm sure you will be pleased to meet Mr. Smith, who writes such charming fiction. You remember how much we enjoyed 'The Rose Garden.'"
A great deal depends upon the strangers themselves, whether or not conversation will move forward, but the hostess who has introduced them skilfully has certainly given them a pleasant opening.
WHEN TO INTRODUCE
"To introduce or not to introduce?" has often puzzled men and women of better society. It requires infinite tact, and also a certain keen knowledge of the world, to determine just whom one should and one should not introduce to one's friends.
This does not refer to home or private entertainments where everyone is an invited guest. In this case, the host and hostess make whatever introductions they deem necessary, being sure that a stranger is carefully presented to each guest. When the reception is a large one—a ball, for instance—the roof may serve as an introduction; that is, the guests may take it for granted that everyone present, being an invited guest, has already the endorsement of the hostess. Thus they may address and converse with anyone they choose, without trespassing any laws of good conduct.
If a lady passes two gentlemen, one of whom she knows, both raise their hats and greet her, but no introductions are made. If he stops for a moment—and it must be only for a very brief moment—he does not present his companion. Street introductions are bad form unless the little group joins forces and walks on together.
In the business world, introductions are made whenever a mutual acquaintance or friend is present. Business introductions are governed very largely by diplomacy, although the gentleman will make sure that his business introduction is just as courteous and graceful as his social introduction.
Granting that all your friends and acquaintances are of the very best society, it is quite safe to say that you may introduce two people to each other, or a group of people to one another, whenever you chance to be a mutual friend. Whether or not the acquaintanceship continues depends entirely upon the people who have been introduced. It is certainly better form to introduce two people, even though you are in doubt as to their similarity of character and personality, than to have one of your friends—or several of them—feel slighted. There are few things more unkind and discourteous than to neglect introducing strangers to each other.
IMPORTANCE OF CARE
An awkward or haphazard introduction can not be effective. A common fault seems to be to mumble hurriedly over names—a very bad fault, indeed, as it leaves the strangers in ignorance as to each other's identity. Names should be pronounced carefully and distinctly, leaving no doubt whatever in the minds of those who are being presented to each other. To slur over names in haste or embarrassment, is to create a strained and uncomfortable atmosphere.
As in everything else in good society, ostentation is extremely vulgar. Deep bows, flourishes, and forced phrases have no place in the right sort of presentations. Brief, simple introductions, with a note of sincere cordiality, are certainly more impressive than much elaborate waving of hands and bowing.
SPECIAL INTRODUCTIONS
It is, of course, an established rule that a man should always be presented to a lady. But the rule does not hold true when a lady is presented to some gentleman of exceptionally high and distinguished position. Thus, if a lady is presented to the President of the United States, or to an ex-President, or prince, duke, or archduke, the gentleman's name is mentioned first. Another exception to the rule is when unmarried ladies are presented to important members of the clergy, such as the bishop or archbishop; here also the gentleman's name is mentioned first.
There is only one great exception to the rule that all unmarried women are presented to matrons: all women, no matter whether they are young unmarried women or elderly matrons, are introducedtothe wife of the President of the United States.
There are several exceptions to the rule that all young and unmarried men be presented to older men. First, there is the President of the United States, to whom all men, young and old, are presented. Similarly, a host in his own home is always mentioned first. A member of a royal and reigning family is never presented to anyone unless it is someone of higher royalty; all introductions are made to him. A guest of honor at an entertainment is also given the distinction of having all guests presented to him.
WHEN THE NAME ISN'T HEARD
It very often happens, in making introductions, that one does not quite understand the name murmured by the one who is making the introduction. There is absolutely no reason to become flustered and embarrassed. Simply smile or nod in acknowledgment, and say, "I beg your pardon, I did not catch your name." Or one might say, "I am sorry, but I did not catch the name." Profuse apologies are not good form; in fact, they are entirely out of place, for the fault lies completely with the man or woman who has made the introduction. Address yourself to the stranger, when you wish the name to be repeated, and make your request simply, directly and with calm dignity. Do not show either by haste or embarrassment that you are ill at ease because the name escaped you.
Many times it is the fault of the people who are being introduced that they do not understand the names. They do not listen for them. It is one of the secrets of social success, if there can be anything secret about a thing so obvious, to be able to remember names correctly. People in business realize this and salesmen devote special time to training themselves to remember the names of their customers.
A very bad fault is to attempt to guess at a name when it is not heard distinctly. It is perfectly correct to ask: "Did Mrs. Roberts call you Miss Gray?" But never address the young lady as Miss Gray if you have the least doubt as to whether or not that was the name given. Her name may be Graham, or Grayerson! It is much wiser to ask and be correct, than to guess and be corrected.
THE CORRECT INTRODUCTION
Let us now consider the correct forms for the general introduction. For all ordinary occasions the simple form, "Mrs. Johns, let me present Mr. Brown," is the best. Because it is brief, direct and simple it may be used effectively on almost any occasion. In introducing men to women, the woman's name is invariably spoken first, and the gentleman is presented to her. Several phrases that are quite generally used in social circles are: "Mrs. A, allow me to introduce Mr. B," or "Mrs. A, Mr. B wishes to be presented to you," or "Mrs. A, may I present Mr. B?" Such phrases as "Let me make you acquainted with" and "I want you to shake hands with" are awkward and altogether too casual. They should never be used.
When there is a great difference in the ages of two women, the younger is presented to the elder. Thus, if Mrs. Brown is an elderly matron, and Mrs. Smith is a recent bride, one would say: "Mrs. Brown, let me present Mrs. Smith." An unmarried woman is always presented to a matron in this manner: "Mrs. Brown, may I present Miss Jones?" or "Mrs. Brown, this is Miss Jones." When it is hard to decide which of two married women is older, one may give due reference to both by introducing in this most satisfactory manner: "Mrs. Brown, let me present Mrs. Smith; Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Brown."
Similar distinctions are made in the introducing of two gentlemen. Where there is no difference in age, title or dignity, the introduction may be merely: "Mr. White, Mr. Jones." A young man is presented to an older man, a bachelor to a married man. However, if the bachelor is a venerable old gentleman, a married man is presented to him, in deference to his age. Citizens without official distinction are invariably presented to senators, judges, governors, etc.
When introducing a friend to one's parents it is correct to say, "Mother, may I present Miss Smith?" or "Mother, this is Mr. Jones." The friend is always introduced to the mother first, then to the father. Other relatives are introduced in the order of their age and position in the family.
In presenting a relative whose name is the same as your own it is unnecessary to repeat the name. For instance, "Miss Daniels, do you know my sister, Mildred?" or "Miss Daniels, may I present my brother, Harry?" If the name is different particular pains should be taken to pronounce it. "Miss Daniels, this is my sister, Mrs. Graham." Or, "Miss Daniels, may I present my brother, Mr. Franklin?"
GROUP INTRODUCTIONS
It is considered bad form to interrupt a conversation to introduce a newcomer. Always wait until the conversation has subsided before you venture to present a stranger to a group of people.
The best way to introduce a gentleman to a group of guests is to mention the names only, in this manner: "Mr. Jones—Miss Smith, Miss Roberts, Mr. Frank and Mr. Brown." Or one might say, "Mr. Jones, let me introduce you to——" and then give the names of the guests in the group, being sure to mention the ladies first.
A lady is introduced to a group of people in the same manner. It is indicative of bad taste to conduct a young lady around a large room and introduce her individually to each stranger. Gentlemen should always be taken to her to be presented to her. It is only when the young lady is adébutanteor a youthful member of society that she is conducted across a room to be presented to some elderly dowager or to the guest of honor. It is inconsiderate to present any one person to a great number of others all at once. It is not only embarrassing but the task of remembering anyone of the people introduced is hopeless.
THE CHANCE INTRODUCTION
Before we go any further in the correct forms for introductions, we will offer a word of caution that should be carefully heeded. Never introduce people to each other unless you are quite certain that it will be agreeable to both. For instance, if two young women of your acquaintance have been attending the same church for several years and yet do not greet or recognize each other, it may be assumed that they have a reason for remaining strangers. In such a case, an introduction could only be painful to both.
An introduction is not merely a trivial convention—a duty that must be attended to. It is an important ceremony, the very corner-stone of friendship. To be formally introduced is to have a certain demand on one's future good graces and friendliness. Thus, it is bad taste to introduce rashly and indiscriminately.
Assuming that you have no reason to believe that they do not wish to know each other, this is the best form to employ in introducing two young women, both of whom you meet at the same time: "Miss Jones, Miss Smith." This form should invariably be used in making public introductions, at church, the theater, the opera, etc. If the name of one of the young women has been forgotten, one may say, "I'm afraid I have forgotten your name," or "Forgive me, but I cannot recall your name just now." As soon as the required information is given, the introduction may proceed as above.
INCOMPLETE INTRODUCTIONS
Some careless hostesses neglect to complete introductions. This causes embarrassment for both, or all, people concerned, and reflects discreditably on the hostess.
Who has not heard the otherwise charming hostess greet a friend cordially in this manner: "Oh, how-do-you-do, my dear! Let me introduce Mrs. Allen, Mrs. Baker and Mr. Carter." The young person who has just arrived can hardly avoid feeling a bit confused, and perhaps a bit slighted. And the people to whom this introduction was made will certainly feel embarrassed when they meet the stranger again and must ask his or her name.
Another type of incomplete introduction is to draw two strangers into conversation by saying casually: "Mrs. Roberts, Mrs. Jones was at the opera last night and heard the same pianist you heard two weeks ago." This is hardly sufficient. The remark should have been either preceded or followed by abona fideintroduction, though the smile and bow of the hostess as she speaks may be so cordial as to remove whatever feeling of constraint there might have been.
The incomplete introduction is careless and unkind. The hostess is unfair to her guests if she does not make each introduction definite and formal, if she does not pronounce clearly the names of both people to be presented to each other.
INDIRECT INTRODUCTIONS
The indirect introduction is entirely different from the incomplete introduction. The former is often necessary and purposely resorted to; the latter is invariably a mistake or the result of carelessness.
When it is desirable to draw another into conversation, then the hostess may make an indirect introduction to avoid stiffness and constraint. Thus, while conversing with one guest, she may turn to another and say: "Mrs. Blank, Mrs. Smith was just telling us about the famous picture that was brought recently to America. Have you seen it?" The purpose of the hostess will be achieved, for the guest addressed will join the conversation, although there has been no formal introduction.
When two people are brought together in this manner, the question of whether or not they continue their acquaintanceship depends entirely upon themselves. In taking leave of each other, women who have been only semi-introduced may nod or shake hands as they please. It is not necessary to seek out a woman to whom one has been indirectly introduced in order to take leave of her. If the semi-introduction is between a man and woman, the woman must either nod first, or offer her hand first, in leave-taking. It is the sign of her willingness to be formally introduced.
THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT
A courteous acknowledgment is essential to every introduction. It is not enough to chant a stilted phrase each time the hostess presents you to a stranger. Parrot-like repetition will make you appear dull and ordinary. But to make gracious, cordial acknowledgments is to gain the immediate sympathy and friendliness of those to whom you have been introduced.
The stiff formal bow is quickly losing all its prestige in the best social circles. In its place is the warm, cordial handclasp, or the friendly smile and inclination of the head. The bow is only acceptable when a stranger is presented to a group of guests. And even then it should consist merely of a nod and genial smile that includes the entire company.
A hostess rises to receive all introductions, and offers her hand both to men and women. But a woman guest retains her place when introduced to a gentleman, or when she is one of a group to whom a woman guest is presented. However, if the stranger is introduced to her individually, she rises in acknowledgment. Other occasions that require the woman of culture to rise are when she is being introduced to the hostess, to an elderly or distinguished gentleman, to a guest of honor, or to an elderly woman.
A gentleman invariably stands when introduced. If the introduction takes place out of doors, he is expected to lift his hat and bow slightly. When introduced to a lady, he must wait until she takes the initiative in offering him her hand. If she does not offer her hand in acknowledgment of the introduction, he may merely nod, lift his hat, and offer a word or two of gracious pleasure at having been introduced to her.
FORMS OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT
The hostess extends her hand and says cordially, "I am delighted to know you Mrs. Brown," or, "Mrs. Brown, I am most pleased to meet you." "How do you do, Mrs. Brown," is used a great deal.
On being presented to a lady, a gentleman might say, "Delighted to know you, Miss Jones," or "Miss Jones, I am very glad indeed to meet you." The correct form to use when one man is introduced to another is usually, "How do you do?" although a great many men like to use the expression, "I'm very glad to meet you." A young woman introduced to a matron might say, "This is a pleasure indeed, Mrs. Rogers." A gentleman might acknowledge an introduction to a lady by saying, "I am pleased to know you, Mrs. Jones," or simply, "How do you do, Mrs. Jones?" It is not so much a question of what is said as of how it is said.
It happens, sometimes, that a hostess unknowingly will introduce to each other two men, or two women, who have long been on unfriendly terms. To ignore each other completely under such circumstances would be a breach of good conduct, and an embarrassment to everyone concerned. It is certainly wiser, if not more agreeable, to nod as though one were a stranger, and later tactfully avoid the man or woman whose company you do not wish to share.
The acknowledgment to an introduction is important. It is the first impression the stranger gains of you, and it is your duty to make it a good—and lasting one.
It is always best to repeat the name—in fact, the repeating of the name is all that is necessary—since it gives an opportunity for correction if the person to whom the introduction was made misunderstood it. For example, when the hostess says, "Mrs. Davis, let me present Mrs. Raymond," the ladies may bow politely, each murmuring the name of the other.
FUTURE RECOGNITION OF INTRODUCTION
With introductions made as hurriedly and haphazardly as they are to-day, at large receptions and balls, it is often puzzling to determine whether or not one should greet a certain new acquaintance at the next meeting. There are certain definite rules that may be followed with confidence.
It is important to remember that the first intimation of recognition after an introduction must always come from the lady. A gentleman does not offer his hand, nor does he bow or nod to the lady he has met only once before until she has made the first movement. The privilege of continuing or ending the acquaintanceship rests with her.
As a general rule, one bows to all those whom one has met at dinner, luncheon or breakfast. It is also usual to greet those with whom one may have drunk tea at a reception, and with whom one may have played a game of tennis or golf. Incomplete introductions require no future recognition, unless the people introduced desire to cultivate a friendship.
If two people are presented to each other for the second time, polite acknowledgment must be made. It is not necessary, though often it is pleasant, to recall a former introduction, especially if one feels sure that the other will have no difficulty in recollecting the occasion. It is the duty of the gentleman to recall a previous introduction. He may say, "I think I have had the pleasure of meeting Miss Stone last week," or, "Miss Stone and I have already been introduced." If two ladies are presented to each other for the second time, the younger or unmarried one incurs the duty of recalling the first introduction. "I have already met Mrs. Jessup," is a form that may be used on any occasion.
INTRODUCING AT DINNER
At a formal or informal dinner, the host and hostess must make all guests known to one another before leading the company to the table. It is neither graceful nor good form to introduce after the guests are seated.
The secret of correct introduction at dinner is to avoid all obvious efforts to present certain guests to one another. For instance, it is not the best form to interrupt a conversation and draw a young man to another part of the room to present him to a young lady. Nor is it necessary for the hostess to incommode herself by rising, during the course of the dinner, to greet a late-comer and make him known to the other guests. She may merely nod to him, accept his excuse for tardiness with a gracious smile or word of welcome, and retain all introductions until later in the evening when the guests have assembled in the drawing-room.
Sometimes, at a very large formal dinner, it is not possible for the host and hostess to introduce every guest. In this case it is necessary to introduce only the gentlemen and ladies who are to go in together to table. Later, when the ladies gather in the drawing-room, the clever hostess will contrive to make all her guests known to each other; and when the gentlemen join them after their cigars, both host and hostess may adroitly conclude the introductions. However, it is also good form for the host to make his complete introductions while the gentlemen are having their after-dinner smoke and chat, and for the hostess to make her introductions in the drawing-room among the ladies. The gentlemen may then be presented to the ladies during the course of the evening.
If there is a distinguished guest, or a guest of honor, for whom the dinner is given, all guests must be presented to him at some time during the evening. If the introductions cannot be completely achieved before dinner, the host and hostess may continue them when the guests reassemble in the drawing-room.
INTRODUCING AT THE DANCE
When a ball or dance is given in honor of adébutantedaughter, or in honor of a visiting guest, the hostess, on receiving her guests, presents them to the honored person who stands at her side. During the course of the dance itself, the host and hostess, as well as the members of their family, make all the introductions they can without inconveniencing either their guests or themselves.
At a private dance the host and hostess must constantly contrive to present gentlemen to ladies, so that there will always be new partners for each dance. If it is a very small dance, the strictly formal introduction is rarely performed; the girls introduce their partners to their particular friends, and the young men present their friends to their partners without asking permission to do so.
At a very large, formal ball or dance, it is good form to ask permission of a lady before presenting a gentleman to her. It is certainly the safest and most satisfactory way, and reflects good taste and courtesy both on the part of the gentleman who wishes to be introduced and the gentleman who is the medium of introduction.
The gentleman who escorts a lady to a dance has a very distinct duty with regard to introductions. He must present to her, at various intervals during the dance, as many of his masculine friends as he feels she would welcome as partners. At a public ball, he invariably asks her permission to make these introductions, as he does also at a very large formal ball. But if the young lady is a friend of long standing, and his own comrades personal friends for whom he can vouch, it is not necessary to request formally the lady's permission before making the introductions.
At public balls, the reception committee presents each guest to the guest of honor. If there is no guest of honor, the committee merely welcomes the guests, and leaves the duty of introduction to chaperons and escorts. Patronesses and reception committees are not obligated in any way to make introductions at subscriptions or public balls, though it often helps to make the affair more pleasant when they take part in presentations.
INTRODUCING AT RECEPTIONS
The hostess of an afternoon or evening reception presents each guest who arrives to the guest of honor ordébutantedaughter, who stands at her side and receives with her. She may not leave her post at the door to make introductions, but she may present as many guests to one another as is possible without leaving her place.
The wise hostess always has several feminine members of her family to assist her in making guests known to one another. These young women may introduce any strangers in the company. The ladies in charge of the refreshments in the dining room may also speak without introduction to guests of either sex, in order to offer tea, chocolate or bonbons. They are privileged to make introductions whenever it is in their power to do so.
A committee is usually appointed to receive the guests at a public reception. The committee, or part of it, stands by the door to receive each guest formally, and introductions are made merely by having a liveried servant announce the name in a loud, clear voice. The guest bows to the committee, and considers himself introduced. Then the committee may be addressed by the stranger who desires further introductions to other guests. It is important, at these public receptions that the committee in charge perform as nearly as possible the duty of host and hostess.
SPEAKING WITHOUT INTRODUCTION
Some people who pride themselves upon being well-bred make themselves appear actually ludicrous by being highly indignant when addressed by someone to whom they have not been introduced. Surely in this world of good-fellowship and open-hearted friendliness it is ridiculous to seal one's mouth and be aloof, merely because one has not been formally presented!
There is, for instance, the gentleman one sits next to on the steamer deck. A lady, of course, may not on any condition address a gentleman whom she does not know, nor may a gentleman address a lady who is a stranger to him. But when two men are sitting side-by-side on a steamer deck, both glorying in the solemn dignity of the sea, and the wide expanse of sky, it would be petty indeed to refrain from conversation. If a friendship is to be developed later, a formal introduction may be sought; but for the present, though they have never been presented to each other, the men may enjoy a conversation without feeling that they are trespassing beyond the boundaries of etiquette.
Similarly, the lady traveling across country may comment upon the splendid open stretches of country, the hazy impressiveness of the mountains in the distance and the surprising beauty of the train's smoke against the azure sky, to the lady sitting opposite her, even though they have never been introduced. And they may carry on quite a delightful conversation without being formally presented to each other.
There can be nothing quite as shallow as refusing to answer, or answering coldly, the person who addresses you in a spirit of friendliness, merely because there have been no formal introductions. One must have vision enough to see that what is correct in the ballroom would be strained and narrow in the shadow of the huge mountains where men and women of every social standing gather to enjoy the same glorious bigness of things.
INTRODUCING CHILDREN
It is important for children to be taught early the significance and value of formal introductions. But parents must carefully avoid all suggestion of snobbishness in their young sons and daughters. There is an amusing story related of a certain little English lad who was visiting in America with his father, who happened to be a member of the House of Lords. The youngster had a well developed case of snobbishness.
At an afternoon reception given in honor of his father, the boy was introduced to several young Americans, invited especially for his benefit. During the course of the afternoon, the hostess noticed that he was sitting off to one side, avoiding the other young guests. When she spoke to him about it, and asked him why he didn't join the other young people, he remarked stiffly: "In England, the son of a member of the House of Lords does not associate with commoners!" While the father crimsoned, the little American guests laughed in amusement. And a newspaper correspondent who was present enjoyed the humor of the situation so keenly that he devoted a whole column to it.
A well-bred child introduces his or her small friend to older persons by saying, "Mrs. Thompson, this is my sister Ray," or, "Mother, may I present my schoolmate, Bob, to you?" Children should be taught not to use stilted, unnatural phrases. Their introductions should be easy and natural. A child introducing his young cousin to a friend would say, "Bob, this is my cousin, Ralph." When introduced to an adult, the properly trained child waits for the elder to speak first. If some expression of pleasure at the meeting is made, the child may say, "Thank you, Mrs. Anderson."
A parent would introduce her daughter in this manner: "Mrs. Brown, this is my little daughter Anne," or, "Mrs. Brown, my boy John wishes to be presented to you." Children should be introduced to each other in a casual way for strained introductions cause them to feel ill at ease in one another's company. "Harry, this is John Brown. I am sure you will enjoy hearing all about his new pony," or, "Mary, Bob wants to tell you about something funny that happened at school the other day." The simple expression, "How do you do," is always best for children who are acknowledging introductions.
CORDIALITY IN INTRODUCTIONS
With the passing of the ridiculous half-finger handshake, with the arm extended upward and the wrist bent awkwardly, introductions have become more cordial and sincere. Which is entirely as it should be. Too many people go through the ceremony of an introduction merely as a matter of duty, without realizing its portent in the matter of friendship and future acquaintance.
We have all met the man or woman who nods stiffly in acknowledgment of an introduction, and offers some stereotyped expression of welcome. And we have all met the man or woman who smiles warmly, offers a sincere handclasp, and acknowledges the introduction so cordially that one feels entirely at ease. In the latter case, a brief acquaintance usually ripens into friendship, while in the former instance, one is inclined to forget promptly the one to whom the introduction has been made.
The next time you are introduced to a stranger, smile sincerely, make your handclasp warm and firm, put cordiality into your welcome and see how your new acquaintance responds! The correct introduction alone is not the corner-stone of friendship; but the correct introduction that is also cordial opens the door to friendships that perhaps are sealed to every other effort.
Whether you are making an introduction or acknowledging one, be sure that it is both correct and cordial.
CHAPTER II
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION
THE LETTER OF INTRODUCTION
Letters of introduction should be drawn only on relatives, or on very close friends. It is not considered entirely ethical to introduce by a letter an individual of whom the writer knows very little, or toward whom the writer is not especially friendly. It is also scarcely good form to ask for a letter of introduction; the truly cultured person will depend upon the kind impulses of a friend or relative to recognize the need for such presentation.
Care should be exerted in the issuing of these letters. Some people, because they have not sufficient willpower to refuse a direct request, will issue such a letter to a person whom they hardly know, and for whose character they cannot vouch. Thus they are forced to send a private letter to the person to whom the letter of introduction is addressed, explaining that the stranger is really not very well known to them, and that perhaps the hostess had better find out more about him, or her. This always causes an embarrassing and uncomfortable situation; it is always better to refuse frankly, unless one knows the man or woman and is willing to endorse him heartily and sincerely.
A letter of introduction should be brief, concise and free from matters of personal or private interest. If the bearer of the letter is in mourning, or has suffered some recent grief or loss, or if he is the victim of unhappy circumstances or peculiar prejudices, a private letter should be sent to the person to whom the letter is addressed, explaining the situation. This does not hold true when the stranger has some special mission to perform; in this case, the explanation is written directly in the original letter of introduction.
A note of introduction rarely covers more than a page or a page and a half of medium-size note paper, and it should be confined strictly to the presentation of the person in whose behalf it is written. Nothing irrelevant, such as inquiry regarding the health of certain people of mutual acquaintance, or of domestic interest, should be included. The letter is placed in an unsealed envelope.
PRESENTING THE LETTER
Usually letters of introduction are not presented in person, but sent with the card of the man or woman to be introduced. This relieves the ceremony of that awkwardness which usually follows when someone presents a letter of introduction and waits while it is being read. If one does not wish to send it through the mails, the letter may be left with one's card at the door of the one to whom it is addressed.
When the letter of introduction is from a gentleman to a lady, or rather when the letter introduces a gentleman to a lady, he invariably calls in the afternoon and sends up the letter with his card. If the lady is not at home, he may slip the card into the same envelope as the letter, and leave it with the servant to be delivered. A gentleman also calls to present a letter of introduction to a member of his own sex.
A woman who wishes to present a letter of introduction to another woman, calls personally and leaves the letter with her own card, or slips her card into the envelope, seals it, and sends it through the mails. Either method of presentation is correct. However, when the letter is addressed to a gentleman, she does not call, unless it is some very special and unusual occasion, but trusts the letter to the mails for safe delivery.
ACKNOWLEDGING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION
A letter of introduction requires immediate recognition in some form. Either a call or an invitation should be made within three or four days. If it is impossible to honor a letter of introduction by the usual form of visiting or entertaining then it is absolutely essential that a prompt and adequate explanation should be written to the author and bearer of the letter.
Ordinarily, when the bearer of a letter of introduction is a woman, a call is made within three days. This call is followed by the offer of some hospitality, usually a luncheon or tea. A gentleman calls upon a lady or upon another gentleman as soon as he receives a letter of introduction. But a lady, instead of making a call, sends an invitation to the gentleman who is introduced to her by means of a letter.
Any delay in acknowledging a letter of introduction is uncivil, both to the person who wrote the letter and the one being introduced. If one is invalided, a short note should be written explaining why a call cannot be made, and arranging for a meeting as early as circumstances permit. But to wait a week or two before acknowledging a letter of introduction, and then writing to explain, is to show lack of good breeding and ignorance of the laws of good conduct.
It is a mark of courtesy to write to the person who brought about the acquaintance with a new friend by means of a letter of introduction, thanking him or her for the note that inspired the friendship.
MODEL LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION
A letter of introduction should be simple and to the point. It should also be friendly, cordial and explanatory. It is placed in a single envelope, unsealed, with the full name and address of the person to whom the bearer is introduced. Here are some letters that are offered merely as suggestions. Of course they may be changed and added to, to meet certain conditions: