Another custom that remains unchanged through the constant evolution of social culture, is that of leaving cards for the bride's mother when invitations to the church ceremony only are received, and when the bride's mother is a stranger to the person invited. Upon receiving the announcement of a wedding, the proper thing to do is to leave cards for the bride's mother, even though she is a total stranger.
Cards must be left by each guest for the lady who has entertained a club, charity or literary organization, at her home. They serve the same purpose as cards that are left after an entertainment or hospitality on the part of the hostess.
The custom of card-leaving without a call is also observed when a friend or acquaintance goes to a home that has been visited by death.
SHOULD A STRANGER LEAVE CARDS?
The question has often been asked, whether or not a man or woman being entertained by friends, is obligated to leave cards when they accompany those friends on calls. There are certain varying conditions that govern the answer to this question.
The stranger is invited to accompany the caller primarily as a matter of convenience. If the person visited is not at home, no question of card-leaving is involved—only the friend leaves cards and not the stranger. But if the hostess is found at home, and if the stranger intends to spend at least two weeks in the neighborhood, it is necessary for him, or her, to leave cards. It is not necessary for the stranger to leave cards when the visit in the neighborhood is to be a short one, and the call is entirely a matter of convenience. If no card is left, the hostess will understand that no call is expected in return, and that the stranger expects no invitations to the coming social activities in the neighborhood.
Sometimes a man or woman accompanies a friend or relative to the home of a stranger, for the purpose, previously arranged, of being introduced and paying a first call. Here the etiquette of card-leaving is clearly defined. If the call is made on the day at home, the caller leaves his or her cards on the hall table, just as for any other first call. But if it happens to be a chance call, and the hostess is not at home, the stranger leaves cards with those of a friend.
When two women pay a chance call together, and one is a perfect stranger at the house visited, no question of card etiquette arises if the hostess is not at home. But if she is at home, the stranger may pencil his or her name on the card that the friend sends up. No card is left by this stranger, unless he has been cordially entertained in the hostess' drawing-room, served with tea, and unless the hostess has expressed a desire of meeting him, or her, again. In this case, a card is left when the stranger is departing, and a return call is expected.
CARDS AND BUSINESS CALLS
The laws of social calling and card-leaving do not hold true when a business call is made. A special set of rules takes care of all business calls that the woman may make.
The usage which governs the woman who is calling upon a man on a matter of business has already been described. She does not send in her card. To give her name to the attendant, stating her business, or to write both on a slip of paper provided for the purpose, is sufficient.
If the business call is made on a woman who is a stranger to the other woman who is making the call, it is necessary to send in one card, inscribed with the name of the caller and a few penciled words regarding the nature of the business. Or the card may be sent in with a brief word to the servant regarding the purpose of the call.
Two women who are on charity committees, or other committees, together, who are social equals but who do not exchange cards and calls, have a special card etiquette to follow when calling upon each other regarding matters of mutual interest on the committee. The caller sends up one of her own personal cards with a word or two explaining the object of the call. This card is left with the servant to give to the hostess if she is not at home.
WHEN A MAN LEAVES CARDS
All the rules of card-leaving outlined for the woman who follows the dictates of social calling, may be applied to the well-bred young man—but with the following exceptions:
A man never leaves the cards of any other man, nor does he assume any of the card-leaving duties incurred by the feminine members of his family. When calling on a lady's afternoon at home, the gentleman leaves one card for the hostess and one for the host on the card tray, on entering the house. Whether the host is at home or not, if the caller is acquainted with him, he must leave one of his cards for him, provided that the call is being made in return for some hospitality enjoyed. If there is a young daughter in the family with whom the caller is acquainted, a third card must be left.
A young man, calling at the home of a young lady, asks to see the ladies, meaning the mother or chaperon as well as the particular young lady herself. No well-mannered young man asks to see only one lady, when there are several others in the house. If the ladies are out, he may leave a sufficient number of cards for all of them, including one for the host or he may leave one card without explanation. If the ladies are in, he still leaves a card for the host on the hall table when he is departing.
When making his first or last call of the season, a man may leave one card for each one of the ladies and each one of the men of the household with whom he is acquainted. This holds true only when the call is made on the day at home, or on a Sunday afternoon or evening. The man who calls on a lady's day at home, and whose call has no reference to any social debts or obligations, leaves only one card—and if he is an intimate friend of the house where the call is made, he leaves no cards at all.
Men's social calls are few. Business affairs require most of their time, and the duty of card-leaving is generally given into the hands of a feminine relative—either mother, sister or wife. Married men invariably entrust their formal social duties to their wives, but single men must not take advantage of this privilege. It is all very well for a mother or sister to leave the cards of a son or brother who is busy at his office on the hostesses whose hospitality they enjoyed together. But when a young man is entertained by a hostess who is not on his mother's or sister's visiting list, it is very important for him to make his return calls in person. This is especially true in regard to dinner and ball hospitalities—they require immediate and cordial reciprocation in the matter of calls and card-leaving.
THE MAN'S CHANCE CALL
Unless the ladies are in the drawing-room, ready to receive, a man, upon making a chance call, sends up his card or cards to the people he wishes to see. If the servant who opens the door does not know whether or not the ladies are at home, or if she says that they are at home but not downstairs, the caller places his cards on the tray and waits in the drawing-room for the return of the servant.
If the call is made after a ball, dinner or theater party, and the young man is calling on the young ladies of the household, he sends up a card for each young lady, and also one for the mother or chaperon. If the call is made for the express purpose of seeing one particular young lady, a card must be sent up for her and for her mother or chaperon. Two cards are also required when a man calls upon a married couple, in whose name he has received some hospitality. He sends up one card for each.
After having called several times at a certain house, obviously for the purpose of seeing a young lady of the family and enjoying her society, it is no longer necessary to include the chaperon in the ceremony of card-leaving.[2](See footnote.) One may send a card up only to the lady one wishes to see.
ABOUT LEAVING AND POSTING CARDS
When an invalid, elderly lady or woman in deep mourning desires to repay by some courtesy, calls made upon her or invitations received, she may leave cards at a door instead of paying a personal call, or sending them by post or messenger. A very busy hostess may employ the same means of returning a dinner call or first call that she owes a friend or acquaintance, especially if she is desirous of extending an invitation. Instead of leaving the card, she may even, for lack of time and opportunity, post it with an engraved or written invitation.
A man or woman unable to accept an invitation, extended by a hostess to whom he or she is a stranger, is obligated to leave cards within two weeks after the entertainment. Similarly, the guests, men and women, invited to the ceremony of a church wedding, leave cards for the bride's mother within two weeks after the wedding. Even though one is a stranger to the mother, this card must be left as a matter of courtesy and social obligation. People who receive cards announcing a marriage are also expected to leave cards for the mother of the bride. A friend of the groom who is a stranger to the bride and her family, and who finds that he is unable to attend the ceremony to which he has been invited, need not pay a call, but must leave a card for the bride's mother a week or two after the wedding.
Other occasions requiring card-leaving are those inquiries regarding the health and condition of a friend; sympathy and good feeling in the event of some misfortune; condolence; congratulation; and upon announcing a prolonged absence from, or a reëntrance into, society. A change of address is also usually made known by means of card-leaving.
DECORATIONS FOR A WEDDING IN A SMALL CHURCH
© Brown Bros.
DECORATIONS FOR A WEDDING IN A SMALL CHURCH
In a simple church such as the one pictured above the ribbon at the end of the pews may be omitted]
If one is invited to an afternoon or evening reception, and finds it impossible to attend, cards should be sent either by mail or messenger, so that they reach the hostess on the day of her entertainment. If the cards are sent by hand or by post, they should be enclosed in a card envelope, sealed, and addressed to the host and hostess—provided, of course, that both of their names appear on the invitation. If the affair is in honor of some special person a card is left for or sent to that person in addition to the one for the hostess.
If posted cards of regret are sent by a single woman, she includes one for thedébutanteor for the guest of honor, in addition to the one enclosed for the hostess. The married woman adds to these two, three more of her husband's. A single man, under the same circumstances, sends three of his cards if the reception is given in honor of adébutanteor a guest of honor (masculine or feminine), and if the invitation was issued in the name of a host and hostess.
One may send cards of inquiry, congratulation and condolence by post or messenger, only if one is indisposed, invalided, or inconveniently situated at a great distance from the persons addressed. It is always better form to pay these calls in person, and leave the cards oneself. However, the cards of inquiry, congratulation and condolence may all be acknowledged by post or messenger, as one desires.
LEAVING CARDS OF INQUIRY
On one's card, the words "To inquire" or "May you recover rapidly" may be penciled when a call of inquiry regarding the health of a friend is made. During a long illness, calls by friends and acquaintances who have been in the habit of making social calls, should be made at least three times a week. By these "calls," you understand, we mean mere calls of inquiry when the card is left by the door and the patient is not seen personally.
Card-leaving for inquiry, condolence and congratulation is invariably made in person. Before a funeral, an engraved card with a word or two of regret penciled on the right side, may be entrusted to the servant. When husbands and wives call separately or together, they leave their own individual cards. In cases of this kind, they do not leave cards for each other. But when a married couple calls to offer sympathy for the loss of a daughter or son, two of the husband's and one of the wife's cards are left. Only one card each is left for a widow, as for a widower also. Cards left for orphaned children are meant for the oldest, who now represents the head of the family.
About two weeks after a funeral, cards are left with the mourning family, unless a special call of condolence is made. In this case, the cards are left just as though it were a social call being made. Black-bordered cards are never used except by people who are themselves in mourning. A matron may leave cards for her entire family, and a sister may fulfill the duty for a busy brother.
It is neither complimentary nor genuinely courteous to post a card to inquire after a friend or acquaintance who is ill. It should be left at the door in person, after asking news of the invalid's condition. A word of cheer or inquiry may be penciled below the caller's name, engraved on the card.
Calls of inquiry, condolence and the like are made without reference to social indebtedness, but in all other cases except among intimate friends, the convention of alternating calls should be adhered to.
ACKNOWLEDGING CALLS OF INQUIRY AND CONDOLENCE
A large, square card in plain white or with a black border, inscribed as follows, is ideal to send to those people who called to offer sympathy and condolence during a bereavement, posted two weeks after the funeral:
Mrs. Robert Guy Mannering and Familygratefully acknowledgeyour kind expression of sympathyupon the death of theirbelovedhusband and fatherRobert Guy Mannering.
Another acceptable form frequently used to acknowledge calls of condolence before and after a funeral, is:
The family of the late John Rayacknowledge with sincere appreciationyour kind sympathy.
The name "John Ray" may appear on the second line by itself, or it may be part of the first line as shown above, entirely according to taste or the prevalent popular custom. The address of the bereaved family should appear towards the bottom of the card, slightly to the left. It is always better form to have it printed in italics.
Invalids, to express gratitude for the courtesies shown them by friends, write or dictate notes of thanks immediately upon becoming well again. Often a popular hostess will receive a vast number of solicitous cards and notes of inquiry during an illness, and it will be necessary for her in her still weakened state, to trust to the mails to thank the friends and acquaintances who inquired for her. She may send her ordinary visiting card, with the words, "Thank you for your kind inquiries" or others to that effect, written across it. "Thanks" should never be used instead of "Thank you." Its brevity carries a suggestion of discourtesy.
ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS
At the present time, the vogue of sending out cards announcing a death in the family, has been almost entirely discontinued in better society. Instead, an announcement is inserted in the newspapers, giving particulars about the death and also the day of the funeral. It is by far a more satisfactory method. A typical newspaper announcement follows:
Cole.—At Whitehouse, N.J., on February 23, 1921, Rose Emily, beloved wife of Robert M. Cole, succumbed to pneumonia. Services at Chapel, Albany Rural Cemetery, Saturday, February 26, at 3 P.M.
Cole.—At Whitehouse, N.J., on February 23, 1921, Rose Emily, beloved wife of Robert M. Cole, succumbed to pneumonia. Services at Chapel, Albany Rural Cemetery, Saturday, February 26, at 3 P.M.
When a betrothal takes place, announcement cards are sometimes sent out, but it is not necessary to have specially engraved cards. As a rule, the mother of the happy young bride writes notes to intimate friends and acquaintances, or inscribes the news on her visiting cards and posts them to those of her friends with whom both she and her daughter are most intimate.
Weddings are usually announced by means of engraved cards. The correct form for these is given elsewhere. Engraved cards also announce the birth of a child. For this, one may have a tiny white card engraved with the baby's name, and attached to the mother's card with a narrow white satin ribbon. It is posted to all friends and acquaintances. In lieu of an address, which appears on mother's card, baby's card bears the date of the birth in the lower right-hand corner. The joint card of the father and mother may be used to announce the birth of a child, the full name of the infant being engraved in small letters above the names of its parents.
The card announcing the birth of a child is sent by mail. Immediately upon its receipt, friends and acquaintances make calls to inquire after the health of mother and child, and to leave cards for both. When one is prevented from calling—and there should always be sufficient reason fornotcalling—one may respond to the card of announcement by posting one's own card to the mother, with congratulations penciled above the name. Acknowledgment of some kind must be made promptly.
WHEN TRAVELING
To the man or woman who travels, those tiny bits of bristol board are important factors in keeping him or her in touch with the home social life left behind. When one arrives at a strange place, perhaps thousands of miles from a friend, and one intends to remain there for several weeks—or months—one's visiting cards posted to all friends and acquaintances, and bearing one's temporary address, ties one to home in a particularly pleasing way. Letters follow in their wake. News of social activities reach one. And one begins to feel that after all, this strange land is not so distant!
And so, if you travel, remember that as soon as you reach a place where you intend to stop for a short while, send out visiting cards to all your friends, relatives and acquaintances, and let them know your temporary address. It may be written in pencil or ink above the home address. When you change your address permanently, be sure that all your friends and acquaintances know of the change. For this purpose, the old visiting cards are the best to use; they may be sent with a line drawn through the old address, and the new written above it.
A man stopping at a hotel for a week or two, and desirous of letting his friends in the vicinity know of his whereabouts, posts his cards bearing the temporary address, to all his masculine friends, and calls and leaves his card upon the women he wishes to see. A woman stopping at a hotel or resort, posts her visiting cards, with the temporary address above her home address, to all whose attention she wishes to claim,—men and women.
P.P.C. CARDS
Pour prendre congé, it means, a French expression translated to read, "To take leave." And it is used in connection with those last-day visits before one sails for Europe, or starts on a long trip to some distant place.
The ordinary visiting card is used, with the letters P.P.C. written in pencil or ink in one corner, indicating the departure and so differentiating it from other cards. Cards so inscribed are posted to, or left with, all friends and acquaintances, a day or two before setting out on the voyage. No acknowledgment is necessary as they are courtesy-cards with no relation whatever to one's social debts and dues.
P.P.C. cards are always necessary before an extended departure, but they are particularly so when one owes calls in return for hospitality, or calls in return for first calls. If there is very little time, and a great many calls to be attended to, it is entirely correct in this case to drive from house to house, leaving the cards with the servant who opens the door. The cards may even be posted a day before the departure, if time is very much limited.
It is not usual for P.P.C. cards to be distributed at the end of the season, when members of society make their regular change of residence. As explained under the head "When Traveling," a visiting card may be sent to one's friends and acquaintances, bearing the temporary address above the permanent home address. Thus the P.P.C. card would not be especially necessary.
[1]There seems to be a tendency for widows to use, the first year of their mourning, cards that have borders measuring one-third of an inch in width. Certainly if one is in deep mourning, and genuinely sorrowing, a border of this width is permissible. But the one-quarter inch border, varying down to one-sixteenth of an inch, is always preferred, always in better taste.
[1]There seems to be a tendency for widows to use, the first year of their mourning, cards that have borders measuring one-third of an inch in width. Certainly if one is in deep mourning, and genuinely sorrowing, a border of this width is permissible. But the one-quarter inch border, varying down to one-sixteenth of an inch, is always preferred, always in better taste.
[2]Chaperonbeing to-day a practically obsolete term, we use it here to signify the parent or guardian most directly concerned with the social welfare of the young lady.
[2]Chaperonbeing to-day a practically obsolete term, we use it here to signify the parent or guardian most directly concerned with the social welfare of the young lady.
CHAPTER V
INVITATIONS
SOME GENERAL RULES
No matter how informal, an invitation should always be acknowledged within a week of its receipt. It should be a definite acknowledgment—either an acceptance or refusal—and no doubt should be left as to whether the writer intends to be present or not. An invitation must always be answered in kind; that is, a formal invitation requires a formal reply, following closely the wording of the invitation. The informal invitation should be cordial enough to warrant a cordial and friendly reply; both invitation and acknowledgment should be free of all stilted phrasing.
Formal invitations for evening affairs should be addressed to husband and wife, omitting neither one nor the other. (The exception to this rule is the "stag" or its feminine equivalent.) If there is only one daughter in the family, she may be included in the invitation, but when there are two or more daughters to be invited, a separate invitation addressed to The Misses Brown is essential. Invitations sent to the masculine members of a family, other than the husband, are sent individually.
Invitations sent to a husband and wife are acknowledged in the names of both. If a daughter is included, her name is also added to the acknowledgment. The wife usually answers the invitation, and although it was sent in the name of Mr. and Mrs. Blank, she sends her acknowledgment to Mrs. Blank alone.
An invitation may never be acknowledged on any kind of a visiting card, although a visiting card may be used in an invitation. For very large, formal functions, invitations are always engraved. A young girl does not issue invitations to men in her own name, but in that of her mother or guardian. She should say in her invitations that her mother, Mrs. Blank, desires her to extend the invitation to Mr. Brown, etc.
In replying to invitations, explicit details must be given. The day of week, date and hour should be quoted, copying from the invitation, so that any discrepancy made in the invitation will be noted and corrected by the hostess when she receives the acknowledgment. This does away with any possibility of such embarrassing blunders as calling on the wrong day or at the wrong hour.
Only the most informal invitation should be given by telephone, by word of mouth or orally by a messenger, but every invitation should be either declined courteously or accepted with enthusiasm promptly.
INVITATION TO A FORMAL DANCE
The word "dancing" is usually placed in the lower left-hand corner of the invitation to denote the object of the evening's gathering; thus no specific mention that the entertainment is to be a ball is necessary.
Following are the most approved forms of invitations used for the very formal balls:
Mr. and Mrs. James Kilgorerequest the pleasure of your companyon Thursday evening, January the tenthat nine o'clockDancing Scarsdale
or
Mr. and Mrs. James Kilgorerequest the pleasure of........................company, at a costume danceto be given at their homeon Thursday, January the twenty-sixthat eleven o' clockCostume de Rigueur 14 Main Street
The words, "Please reply," may be added although they should be unnecessary since every person of good breeding will reply immediately to such an invitation whether he intends to accept or refuse.
ACCEPTING THE INVITATION
When the invitation to a dance bears a request for a reply, a prompt answer should be sent. If the invitation itself is in the third person, the reply should follow the same form. For a formal ball, an acceptance or regret should be mailed within forty-eight hours after receipt of the invitation. Here are the correct forms for the invitations above:
Mr. and Mrs. John Harrisaccept with pleasureMr. and Mrs. James Kilgore'skind invitation to be presentfor dancingon Thursday evening, January the tenthat nine o'clock148 Grand Boulevard
Mr. and Mrs. John Harrisregret exceedingly that theyare unable to acceptMr. and Mrs. James Kilgore'skind invitation to a costume danceto be given at their home.Brookline.
When the acknowledgment is a regret, it is not necessary to repeat the date and hour for the obvious reason that as long as one is not going, it makes no difference whether or not the details of time are correct.
FOR THE INFORMAL DANCE
When the dance is a small and less formal affair, a short note is used, though the more punctilious social usage frowns upon the employment of visiting cards for such purposes. Following is the correct visiting card for informal dance purposes:
Mr. and Mrs. Harold ChampAt HomeDancing at Ten 432 Maple StreetApril the Fifth
The acknowledgment should be hand-written on white note paper, and couched in a cordial, informal manner.
THE DINNER DANCE
The dinner dance seems to be one of society's most favored functions. For this affair it is necessary for the hostess to issue two sets of invitations; one set to the people she wishes to entertain at dinner, and one to those whom she wishes to invite for the dancing only. The dinner invitation would be the regular engraved dinner card with the words "Dancing at ten" written in the lower left-hand corner. The dance invitations would be her regular at-home cards with the words "Dancing at ten" written in the lower left-hand corner.
A very popular method of inviting people to informal dance parties—a method that has won favor among hostesses who are fond of inviting just a few young men and women in to dance and enjoy simple refreshment—is that of using the joint visiting card of herself and her husband and writing in the lower left-hand corner:
Dancing at elevenApril the fourth
This may be written in in ink—and as an invitation the card may be used to take the place of the written invitation or the formal third-person note.
THE DEBUT DANCE
An ordinary dance invitation with the calling card of thedébutanteincluded may be used for the occasion of introducing thedébutdaughter to society. A more strictly formal form follows:
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Wendoverrequest the pleasureof introducing their daughterEmily Justineto.........................on Tuesday, May the thirdat eight o'clock10 Merril Parkway
INVITATIONS FOR THE SUBSCRIPTION DANCE
Following is the correct invitation to use when the subscription dance is held in the drawing-room of a hotel. It should be engraved in script upon large white letter sheets:
The pleasure of...........................company is requested at theThird Reunionat the Richelieu Hotelon Friday evening, April the tenthfrom nine until one o'clock.PatronessesMrs. Johnson Mrs. MeredithMrs. Mooers Mrs. ThompsonMrs. Clure
With the invitation above, "vouchers" are invariably included. These "vouchers" are for the purpose of enabling subscribers and patronesses to extend hospitalities to their friends, but also to bar the admittance of those people who were not invited. Here is the form usually used for the "voucher":
Third ReunionGentlemen's VoucherAdmit ............................on Friday evening, April the tenthCompliments of ...................
To do away with the necessity of the "voucher" a card like the following is used:
Third Reunion..........................The pleasure of your company is requestedon Tuesday, the tenth of Juneat eight o'clockCommunity Club18 Forest AvenuePlease present this card at the door.
If the invitations are issued and distributed by a committee or board of directors, instead of by private subscribers, the words:
The Committee of the Third ReunionHilldale Club234 Kingston Avenue
appear beneath the engraving, in the left-hand corner. The proper form is to use a letter sheet, engraving the invitation on the outer face, and listing on the second inner face, the names of the men who are giving the ball. However, it is also correct to use a large bristol board card, listing the hosts on the reverse side, or on another similar card.
ACKNOWLEDGING SUBSCRIPTION DANCE INVITATIONS
An invitation to a subscription ball, received in the name of the whole body of subscribers, requires a prompt acknowledgment of acceptance or denial to the address given on the card. But if a subscriber extends an invitation to a friend, enclosing with the invitation his or her own card, the answer is sent to this subscriber individually. It is usually a short, informal note, something like the following, and it may be addressed to the entire Committee or merely to its Chairman:
19 West Street,April 18, 19—My dear Mrs. Blake:It is with great pleasure that I accept your invitation to attend the Third Reunion of the Hilldale Club, on Friday, the tenth of April.Sincerely yours,Helen R. Haddock.
19 West Street,April 18, 19—
My dear Mrs. Blake:
It is with great pleasure that I accept your invitation to attend the Third Reunion of the Hilldale Club, on Friday, the tenth of April.
Sincerely yours,
Helen R. Haddock.
INVITATION TO PUBLIC BALL
Public balls that require purchased tickets have a very distinct kind of invitation. The following invitation should be printed or engraved on very large letter sheets or cards, giving, either on the second inner sheet or on the reverse of the card, the names of the patronesses.
The pleasure of your company isrequested at theAnnual Masquerade BallTo be given at the Taft HotelThursday EveningJanuary the fifth, at ten o'clock
Cards of admission, Three DollarsOn sale at theTaft Hotel and homes of the Patronesses
REQUESTING AN INVITATION
When one is invited to an entertainment and finds it impossible to attend without a visiting guest or relative, an invitation may be requested. But a great deal of tact and good judgment must be exerted. A note of request follows, but in writing notes for your own particular instances, you must remember that each note has to be adapted to the occasion in hand.
27 Claremont Terrace,May 8, 192—.My dear Mrs. Jolson:Elsie Millerton, whose brother you remember was at Hot Springs last year when we were, is spending a few days with me. I wonder if I may bring her to your dance next Thursday?Sincerely yours,Mary B. Hall.
27 Claremont Terrace,May 8, 192—.
My dear Mrs. Jolson:
Elsie Millerton, whose brother you remember was at Hot Springs last year when we were, is spending a few days with me. I wonder if I may bring her to your dance next Thursday?
Sincerely yours,
Mary B. Hall.
It is rarely necessary to refuse such a request as this; but if the ballroom is already too crowded and if the hostess has received a number of similar petitions she may with propriety send a brief note of refusal with a courteous word or two of explanation.
THE DINNER INVITATION
A dinner invitation is the highest form of courtesy. That is why it requires prompt and very courteous acknowledgment.
Ordinarily dinner invitations are issued ten days ahead, unless it is a very large formal affair, when two full weeks are allowed. It is not good form to send an invitation just about a day or two before the day set for the dinner-party, for then the guest will be perfectly correct in feeling that the invitation was issued to her (or him) only because some other guest was unable to attend. If there are only three or four guests informal notes are usually sent, however elaborate the dinner itself is to be. Such an invitation should occupy only the first page of a sheet of note paper.
Dinner invitations may either be written on ordinary sheets of white stationery, or engraved on cards. If the latter is decided upon, it must be large, pure white, and of rather heavy bristol board. The hostess who gives many large and elaborate dinners may have cards like the following printed, leaving spaces for the insertion of the name of the person invited, the day, hour and date:
Mr. and Mrs. Jeremiah Knightrequest the pleasure of...................company at dinneron ................ eveningat ................ o'clock55 Court Street
The words "To meet Mr. and Mrs. John Staple" may be written in ink at the bottom of the engraved card, when the dinner is in honor of a special guest. Or small cards may be printed and enclosed with the invitations.
IN HONOR OF CELEBRATED GUESTS
Often, to introduce someone of distinguished position to the hostess' acquaintances and friends, a large and elaborate dinner is given. The cards should be engraved in a fine script or block letter, in the following wording:
To meetMr. and Mrs. McAllister Van DorenMr. and Mrs. John Kingrequest the pleasure of.......................company at dinneron Thursday, January the sixthat eight o'clock455 North Avenue.
THE ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
For the formal invitation, written in the third person, a similar acknowledgment must be sent within twenty-four hours. Following are an acceptance and a regret that may serve as suggestions for the dinner invitations thatyouwill accept and refuse in the future:
Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Thorneaccept with pleasureMr. and Mrs. Jeremiah Knight'skind invitation to dinner onFriday, August the fifthat eight o'clock64 West Drive
Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Thorneregret that a previous engagementprevents their acceptingMr. and Mrs. Jeremiah Knight'skind invitation to dinner onFriday, August the fifth64 West Drive
It is not necessary to give complete details regarding time and hour, in the second acknowledgment—which is a regret. Inasmuch as one does not expect to attend, it is unnecessary to pay great attention to details that are important only for those who expect to be guests. In writing regrets, it is always more courteous to give the reason for being unable to accept, but it is not important to do so unless one really wishes to.
FOR THE INFORMAL DINNER
The informal dinner invitation is invariably sent by the wife for her husband and herself, to the wife, including the latter's husband. The invitation takes the form of a short, friendly little social note, and is answered as such. For instance, here is an invitation to an informal dinner, and the acknowledgment:
356 Cosgrove Avenue,November 1, 19—My dear Mrs. Harris:Will you and Mr. Harris give us the pleasure of having you with us at a small dinner on Thursday, November the eighth, at seven o'clock?Hoping that you will be disengaged that evening, I amYours very sincerely,Margaret B. Leanders.
356 Cosgrove Avenue,November 1, 19—
My dear Mrs. Harris:
Will you and Mr. Harris give us the pleasure of having you with us at a small dinner on Thursday, November the eighth, at seven o'clock?
Hoping that you will be disengaged that evening, I am
Yours very sincerely,
Margaret B. Leanders.
You will notice that in signing herself, the wife uses her Christian and married name, and the initial of her maiden name. She may spell her maiden name out, if she wishes, but the form given above is the most usual. Here is the correct acknowledgment to the invitation above:
654 Milton Street,November 5, 19—My dear Mrs. Leanders:Mr. Harris and I will be delighted to dine with you and Mr. Leanders on Thursday, November the eighth, at seven o'clock.With kindest regards, I amSincerely yours,Mildred Travers Harris.
654 Milton Street,November 5, 19—
My dear Mrs. Leanders:
Mr. Harris and I will be delighted to dine with you and Mr. Leanders on Thursday, November the eighth, at seven o'clock.
With kindest regards, I am
Sincerely yours,
Mildred Travers Harris.
WHEN THE DINNER IS NOT AT HOME
It happens quite frequently that a hostess gives a dinner for her friends outside of her own home. In this case, the fact must be fully noted on the invitation. For instance:
Mr. and Mrs. Walter Bruhnrequest the pleasure ofMr. and Mrs. John Perry Blascon'scompany at dinnerat Shanley'son Wednesday, March the sixthat eight o'clock41 Tompkins Place
The acceptance and regret would be exactly the same as the forms given previously, except that the words "At Shanley's" would necessarily have to appear.
THE DAUGHTER AS HOSTESS
It is necessary for the daughter, who is hostess in her father's house, to include his name in every dinner invitation she issues. Following is a model informal invitation to dinner, issued by a young daughter-hostess:
My dear Mrs. Curtis:Father has asked me to extend an invitation to you and Mr. Curtis to dine with us on Tuesday, April the fifth, at half-past seven o'clock. We are looking forward to your coming with a great deal of pleasure.Cordially yours,Rose Meredith.
My dear Mrs. Curtis:
Father has asked me to extend an invitation to you and Mr. Curtis to dine with us on Tuesday, April the fifth, at half-past seven o'clock. We are looking forward to your coming with a great deal of pleasure.
Cordially yours,
Rose Meredith.
In acknowledging this invitation, whether it be acceptance or regret, the answer must go to the daughter, not the father. It is discourteous and rude to receive a letter or an invitation from one person, and acknowledge it to another.
POSTPONING OR CANCELING A DINNER
When it happens (and it often does!) that something unforeseen and unexpected happens to prevent one from giving the dinner for which engraved cards have been issued, the hostess must immediately dispatch, either through messenger or special delivery, short written notes canceling the engagement. The third-person formula may be used, but there must be a certain warmth in the note to avoid any semblance of indifference. And it is a mark of fine courtesy to offer the reason why the dinner has to be postponed. Here are two forms that may be used:
Because of the severe illness of their son Mr. and Mrs. John Smith beg to cancel their dinner, arranged for Tuesday, May the fifth
Because of the severe illness of their son Mr. and Mrs. John Smith beg to cancel their dinner, arranged for Tuesday, May the fifth
or
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith regret that the damages done to their home by a recent fire make it necessary for them to postpone the dinner arranged for May the fifth until May the thirtieth.
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith regret that the damages done to their home by a recent fire make it necessary for them to postpone the dinner arranged for May the fifth until May the thirtieth.
INVITING A STOP-GAP
When a vacancy occurs in a dinner party at the last moment, one may call upon a friend to fill the place as a special courtesy. This is an instance when tact and discretion are important, for not everyone is broad-minded and sensible, and some people may take offense at being asked to take the place that someone else relinquished. A short cordial note should be written, explaining the situation, and frankly asking the friend to come in the place of the invited guest who cannot be present. Here, for instance, is a typical note for just such a purpose:
41 Hemingway Place,March 14, 19—My dear Mr. Cook:I am going to ask a very special favor of you, and I know that you will be good enough to comply—if no other engagement stands in the way.Ralph Townshend, who was to have been present at a little dinner party that I am giving to-morrow evening, has just written that he has been called out of town on business. Won't you be good enough to take his place and give me more reason than ever for subscribing myselfGratefully yours,Janet B. Raines.
41 Hemingway Place,March 14, 19—
My dear Mr. Cook:
I am going to ask a very special favor of you, and I know that you will be good enough to comply—if no other engagement stands in the way.
Ralph Townshend, who was to have been present at a little dinner party that I am giving to-morrow evening, has just written that he has been called out of town on business. Won't you be good enough to take his place and give me more reason than ever for subscribing myself
Gratefully yours,
Janet B. Raines.
In answering this letter, Mr. Cook must either accept or decline definitely. To be courteous, he must give a reason for declining. To write merely and say that one cannot serve as a stop-gap is both impolite and inconsiderate. Either a good reason or an acceptance must be given. Here is the way the acceptance may be worded:
1465 Emmet Road,March 16, 19—My dear Mrs. Raines:I'm rather glad that Ralph was called out of town, since it gives me an opportunity to be present at another of your delightful dinners. Thank you very much for the invitation.Yours very sincerely,Ralph B. Cook.
1465 Emmet Road,March 16, 19—
My dear Mrs. Raines:
I'm rather glad that Ralph was called out of town, since it gives me an opportunity to be present at another of your delightful dinners. Thank you very much for the invitation.
Yours very sincerely,
Ralph B. Cook.
TO BREAK A DINNER ENGAGEMENT
There is no reason to feel embarrassed and unhappy because some unexpected happening prevents you from keeping a dinner engagement. A cordial note, containing a genuine and worth-while excuse for the cancellation of the engagement may be sent by messenger, or if there is time, by special delivery post, to the hostess. Here is an example of the kind of note that may be written to break a dinner engagement:
156 South Bend,March 18, 19—My dear Mrs. Christy:Mr. Cross has been called to Chicago on account of the illness of his mother. We are very anxious about her, and I am sure you will understand why it is impossible for either of us to attend your dinner party next Friday. With many regrets, I amSincerely yours,Florence Bartlett Pitkin.
156 South Bend,March 18, 19—
My dear Mrs. Christy:
Mr. Cross has been called to Chicago on account of the illness of his mother. We are very anxious about her, and I am sure you will understand why it is impossible for either of us to attend your dinner party next Friday. With many regrets, I am
Sincerely yours,
Florence Bartlett Pitkin.
INVITATIONS FOR LUNCHEONS
Although considerably less formal than dinner invitations, those of the luncheon follow them in wording. They are issued about ten days before the day set for the luncheon, if it is to be an elaborate, formal affair, and only in the name of the hostess, unless men are invited and the hostess' husband intends to be present. They are engraved on large square white cards, with the name of the person invited, the day and hour, written in by the hostess' own hand. The correct form follows, but it must be remembered that this form can be used only when the luncheon is an elaborate, formal occasion:
Mrs. John Roy-Thorndyke Blakerequests the pleasure of.......................company at luncheonon ....................at ................. o'clock11 Park Row
Very often a hostess invites friends and acquaintances to a luncheon for the purpose of presenting to them a certain visiting guest, and perhaps to attend, after the luncheon, a matinée planned for the purpose of enabling the newcomer to become better acquainted with the hostess' friends. In this case, an invitation like the one following should be used:
To meet Miss Helen RhodesMrs. Robert Blakerequests the pleasure ofMiss Joyce'scompany at luncheonon Tuesday, April the eleventhat one o'clockand afterward to the matinée167 Grand Concourse
The name of the play and the theater may be included in the wording of the invitation.
Breakfast invitations are rarely issued, for the very good reason that formal breakfasts are very rarely given. But when they are, the wording of the invitation is identical with the wording given above for the luncheon invitations, substituting in each case the word "breakfast" for "luncheon." Acknowledgments are also the same as those used for the luncheon.
ACKNOWLEDGING THE LUNCHEON INVITATION
A prompt acceptance or regret must be sent upon receipt of an invitation to luncheon. The following two forms are correct for use with the two invitations given above.
Mrs. Frank Parsonsaccepts with pleasureMrs. John Clancy Blake'skind invitation to luncheonon Friday, October the fourteenthat one o'clock146 Park Place
Miss Jean Joyceaccepts with pleasureMrs. Blake'skind invitation for luncheonon Tuesday, April the eleventhat one o'clockto meet Miss Rhodes and to goafterward to the matinée48 Fremont Avenue
THE INFORMAL INVITATION
For the informal luncheon, a brief note of invitation is sent from five to seven days ahead. In making the note brief, one must be careful not to sacrifice cordiality. We give here two notes of invitation, one for luncheon and one for breakfast; and also their respective acknowledgments: