Chapter 2

Ag´o-wilt,n.1. Sickening terror, sudden, unnecessary fear. 2. The passage of the heart past the epiglottis, going up. 3. Emotional insanity.Ag´o-wilt,v.To almost-faint.

Ag´o-wilt,n.1. Sickening terror, sudden, unnecessary fear. 2. The passage of the heart past the epiglottis, going up. 3. Emotional insanity.

Ag´o-wilt,v.To almost-faint.

“What’s that smell? Is it smoke?—Is it?” You throw open the door and have an agowilt; the staircase is in flames. But this is the fierce and wild variety. Agowilts tamed for domestic use, are far more common. The minute after you throw the burnt match into the waste-paper basket, the agowilt comes.

It may be but a single extra step which isn’t there and the agowilt playfully paralyzes your heart. So a sudden jerk of the elevator, the startling stopping of the train, the automobile skidding, the roller-coaster looping the loop—bring agowilts.

Vicariously you suffer as well, when the trapeze performers swing in dizzying circles or do the “death dive.”

“Good heavens! I left my bag in the train!”—an agowilt quite as painful. (SeeNulkin.)

Why does your friend, reckless Robert, pause on the edge of the cliff? Merely to delight you with an agowilt.

When I taught Fanny, the flirt, to swim, and she found herself in water over her head, why did she scream and throw her arms about my neck? Was it truly an agowilt? (SeeVarm.)

’Twas not when Johnnie got the gunAnd pointed it at Jean;Nor when he played, in childish funWith father’s razor keen—She did not agowilt untilHer little brother said:“I just saw sister kissing Bill!”She agowilted dead.

’Twas not when Johnnie got the gunAnd pointed it at Jean;Nor when he played, in childish funWith father’s razor keen—

She did not agowilt untilHer little brother said:“I just saw sister kissing Bill!”She agowilted dead.

Al´i-bosh,n.A glaringly obvious falsehood; something not meant to be actually believed; a picturesque overstatement.

A circus poster is an alibosh; so is a seed catalogue, a woman’s age and an actress’s salary. (SeeBlurb.)

There are verbal aliboshes too numerous to mention: “I have had such a charming time!” and “No, I don’t think you’re a bit too fat, you are just nice and plump.” (SeeGubble and Wumgush.)

The saleswoman makes her living on the alibosh: “Yes, I think that hat is very becoming.” She doesn’t believe it, you don’t believe it—it’s only a part of the game—like the lies of horse-trading, the inspired notices of theatrical failures or a prospectus of a gold mine.

The dentist, when he filled my tooth,Filled me with alibosh;He said it wouldn’t hurt, forsooth!I knew he lied, b’gosh!But when he had one filled himselfThey took an ounce or twoOf chloroform from off the shelf.No alibosh would do!

The dentist, when he filled my tooth,Filled me with alibosh;He said it wouldn’t hurt, forsooth!I knew he lied, b’gosh!

But when he had one filled himselfThey took an ounce or twoOf chloroform from off the shelf.No alibosh would do!

Bimp,n.A disappointment, a futile rage.Bimp,v.To cut, neglect, or forsake.Bimped,p.p.Jilted, left.

Bimp,n.A disappointment, a futile rage.

Bimp,v.To cut, neglect, or forsake.

Bimped,p.p.Jilted, left.

As Mrs. Ezra P. McCormick stood in the middle of Myrtle Avenue at the corner of Grandview Street the trolley car came hurtling past, ten minutes behind time. Wildly she waved her parasol, but the car would not, did not stop! Mrs. McCormick got bimped. Her bimp was the more horrible, because the conductor turned and grinned at her, and three men on the rear platform laughed, for Mrs. McCormick was very fat. (SeeJurp.)

Did you get that raise in your salary on New Year’s day, or did you get bimped? Were you forgotten on Christmas? Did you draw to a flush and fail to fill? You got bimped. Did you find you had no cash in your pocket when it came time to pay the waiter? Did that firm cancel its order? Bimps.

What did Mrs. Harris’s servant girl do on the very afternoon of the dinner party? She bimped Mrs. Harris! She packed her imitation-leather suitcase, grabbed her green umbrella and walked away.

The girl who stood “Waiting at the church” got the biggest bimp of all. (SeeAgowilt.)

Bimp not, that ye be not bimped! (SeeMachizzle.)

I got a bimp, the other night,It bimped me good and hard;I drew to fill a flush, and gotA different colored card.But still, I bluffed it out and won;A well-filed pot I crimped—And three good hands of treys and pairs,And one full house, got bimped!

I got a bimp, the other night,It bimped me good and hard;I drew to fill a flush, and gotA different colored card.

But still, I bluffed it out and won;A well-filed pot I crimped—And three good hands of treys and pairs,And one full house, got bimped!

Bleesh,n.1. An unpleasant picture; vulgar or obscene art. 2. An offensive comic-supplement form of humor.Bleesh,a.Revolting, disgusting, coarse.

Bleesh,n.1. An unpleasant picture; vulgar or obscene art. 2. An offensive comic-supplement form of humor.

Bleesh,a.Revolting, disgusting, coarse.

Comic valentines are very bleesh; the newspaper “comic strip” with the impossible adventure ending in catastrophic brutality; stars, exclamation points and “Wows!” Especially a bull-dog, biting the seat of a man’s trousers and revolving like a pinwheel—this is a bleesh. (SeeFrowk.)

Crayon enlargements of photographs of your uncle in his Odd Fellows’ uniform are bleesh—Kodak snap-shots and flashlights of banquet groups.

Your practical-joking friend sends you bleesh foreign postcards from abroad; and your chauffeur revels in bleesh pictures of crime, with an X showing “where the body was found.”

To the Philistine of the Middle West, the nude in art is bleesh. To the eye-glassed school-ma’am of Brooklyn, the paintings of Cubists and Futurists are bleesher still. (SeeOvotch.)

I gazed upon a bleesh, and saw’Twas stupid, crude and coarse;Its wit was dull, its art was raw,It had nor wit nor force.And then my niece, a virgin pure,But used to clever folk,Laughed at that bleesh till I was sureI’d somehow missed the joke.

I gazed upon a bleesh, and saw’Twas stupid, crude and coarse;Its wit was dull, its art was raw,It had nor wit nor force.

And then my niece, a virgin pure,But used to clever folk,Laughed at that bleesh till I was sureI’d somehow missed the joke.

Blurb,n.1. A flamboyant advertisement; an inspired testimonial. 2. Fulsome praise; a sound like a publisher.Blurb,v.1. To flatter from interested motives; to compliment oneself.

Blurb,n.1. A flamboyant advertisement; an inspired testimonial. 2. Fulsome praise; a sound like a publisher.

Blurb,v.1. To flatter from interested motives; to compliment oneself.

On the “jacket” of the “latest” fiction, we find the blurb; abounding in agile adjectives and adverbs, attesting that this book is the “sensation of the year;” the blurb tells of “thrills” and “heart-throbs,” of “vital importance” and “soul satisfying revelation.” The blurb speaks of the novel’s “grip” and “excitement.” (SeeAlibosh.)

The circus advertiser started the blurb, but the book publisher discovered a more poignant charm than alliterative polysyllables. “It holds you from the first page—”

Now, you take this “Burgess Unabridged”—it’s got a jump and a go to it—it’s got a hang and a dash and a swing to it that pulls you right out of the chair, dazzles your eyes, and sets your hair to curling. It’s an epoch-making, heart-tickling, gorglorious tome of joy!

So, were not my publishers old-fashioned, would this my book be blurbed.

If “Burgess Unabridged,” I say,“Fulfils a long-felt want,”Don’t mind my praise, nor yet the wayIn which I voice my vaunt.Don’t let my adjectives astuteYour peace of mind disturb;It’s “bold,” it’s “clever” and it’s “cute,”And so is this my blurb!

If “Burgess Unabridged,” I say,“Fulfils a long-felt want,”Don’t mind my praise, nor yet the wayIn which I voice my vaunt.

Don’t let my adjectives astuteYour peace of mind disturb;It’s “bold,” it’s “clever” and it’s “cute,”And so is this my blurb!

Brip´kin,n.1. One who half does things; not a thoroughbred. 2. A suburbanite, commuter.Brip´kin,a.Off color; second-rate; shabby-genteel, a little out of style.

Brip´kin,n.1. One who half does things; not a thoroughbred. 2. A suburbanite, commuter.

Brip´kin,a.Off color; second-rate; shabby-genteel, a little out of style.

The bripkin invites a girl to the theatre, but he takes her in a street-car—on a rainy night, too! The bripkin tips the waiter less than ten per cent. of his bill. He carries a cane, but does not wear gloves. He frequents the manicure, and wears near-silk shirts, with frayed cuffs. His hat is “the latest” but his coat sleeves are shiny.

The female bripkin has a button off her shoe; she wears white gloves, but they are badly soiled. She wears a three-quarter-length grey squirrel coat.

American champagne is bripkin—Key-West cigars and domestic beer, and imitation coffee. (SeeVoip.)

A bripkin umbrella is made of gloria.

The second-rate suburb of a great city is a bripkin, and so is he who dwells therein. He wears a watch-chain strung across his vest. (SeeMooble.)

Bripkins are the marked-down gowns and suits, at the tail end of the season; and the green hat, “reduced from $18.75.”

A Bripkin sat in a trolley car,And his eyes were bright and tiny;His collars and cuffs were slightly soiled,But his finger nails were shiny.A girl came in with run-over heels,And the Bripkin up and kissed her!But I knew, by her mangy ermine muff,That she was his Bripkin sister.

A Bripkin sat in a trolley car,And his eyes were bright and tiny;His collars and cuffs were slightly soiled,But his finger nails were shiny.

A girl came in with run-over heels,And the Bripkin up and kissed her!But I knew, by her mangy ermine muff,That she was his Bripkin sister.

BRIPKIN

Cow´cat,n.1. A person whose main function is to occupy space. An insignificant, or negligible personality. 2. A guest who contributes nothing to the success of an affair; one invited to fill up, or from a sense of duty. 3. An innocent bystander.

The cowcat will not talk, but oh, how he listens! How he watches! How he criticises! But why speak of the cowcat as “he”? They usually have large, black satin, placid abdomens, or else they are thin and nervous, with acid eyes. (SeeYowf.)

How describe a cowcat? There’s nothing about it to describe. It’s a jelly-fish—a heavy jelly-fish, however. It sits upon your stomach, like a nightmare.

Cowcats fill hotel chairs, and the rockers of summer verandahs, knitting gossip. (SeeMooble.)

Your wife’s relatives?

The cowcats in the corners sat,And brooded ’gainst the wall,And some were thin and some were fat,But none would talk at all.The atmosphere grew thick and cold—It had begun to jell,When I, with desperation bold,Arose, and gave a yell!

The cowcats in the corners sat,And brooded ’gainst the wall,And some were thin and some were fat,But none would talk at all.

The atmosphere grew thick and cold—It had begun to jell,When I, with desperation bold,Arose, and gave a yell!

Critch,v.1. To array oneself in uncomfortable splendor.Critch´et-y,a.1. Conspicuous and stiff; garbed elaborately, especially on a hot day. 2. Painfully aware of one’s costume.

Critch,v.1. To array oneself in uncomfortable splendor.

Critch´et-y,a.1. Conspicuous and stiff; garbed elaborately, especially on a hot day. 2. Painfully aware of one’s costume.

Oh, that stiff collar! That binding corset! Those burning feet in the tight shoes! Yes, you are critched, but at the same time you have the moral support of being becomingly and fashionably clad. A critch is half pride and half madness—it’s the martyrdom of fashion. (SeeVorge.)

The unaccustomed exquisite in his hard boiled shirt, stiff cuffs and high collar stands critchety, but willing to endure the agonies of the aristocracy.

You may be too cool in decolleté, or too warm in your furs, but vanity vanquishes the critch.

You are critched when you have a picture taken, but that radiant smile survives. At private theatricals all the actors are critched with tights and swords and furbelows—trying to appear at ease. (SeeWowze.)

The banker is critched with his silk hat in a high wind; and the dowager, as she carefully arranges her skirts when she is seated. But to be properly critched, you must be a Japanese countess, putting on stays for the first time in your artless, lavender life.

A sovereign’s lot is sad and strange,For kings and queens, they say,Are all uneasy; they must changeTheir clothes ten times a day!Ah, robes and uniforms and crownsAre glorious things, I know,And queens do wear expensive gowns—They must be critchety, though!

A sovereign’s lot is sad and strange,For kings and queens, they say,Are all uneasy; they must changeTheir clothes ten times a day!

Ah, robes and uniforms and crownsAre glorious things, I know,And queens do wear expensive gowns—They must be critchety, though!

Culp,n.1. A fond delusion; an imaginary attribute. 2. What one would like to be, or thinks oneself.Cul´pid,a.1. Visionary, non-existent. 2. Not proved; autohypnotized.

Culp,n.1. A fond delusion; an imaginary attribute. 2. What one would like to be, or thinks oneself.

Cul´pid,a.1. Visionary, non-existent. 2. Not proved; autohypnotized.

Many women have the culp that they are beautiful, men that they are irresistible, shrewd, or interesting.

A culpid actor is one who thinks he can act, but can’t. His culp is that he is making a hit. (SeeSplooch.)

The mother has the baby culp; but the infant to other eyes is not so wonderful.

The woman with the culpid taste thinks that no other woman knows how to dress. (SeeWumgush.)

The author who has had three letters requesting his autograph, has the culp that he is popular.

That young man who stays till 11.45P.M.has a culp that he has fascinated yawning Ysobel.

She had a culp that she was fair,In fact, that she was pretty;Alas, she bought her beauty whereThey sold it, in the city.And now her culp is: Looks will lie;And her delight is huge—She thinks that none suspects the dye,The powder and the rouge!

She had a culp that she was fair,In fact, that she was pretty;Alas, she bought her beauty whereThey sold it, in the city.

And now her culp is: Looks will lie;And her delight is huge—She thinks that none suspects the dye,The powder and the rouge!

Di´a-bob,n.1. An object of amateur art; anything improbably decorated; hand-painted. 2. Any decoration or article of furniture manufactured between 1870 and 1890.Di-a-bob’i-cal,a.Ugly, while pretending to be beautiful.

Di´a-bob,n.1. An object of amateur art; anything improbably decorated; hand-painted. 2. Any decoration or article of furniture manufactured between 1870 and 1890.

Di-a-bob’i-cal,a.Ugly, while pretending to be beautiful.

Who invented the diabob? The infamy is attributed to John Ruskin. At any rate, humble things began to lose the dignity of the commonplace; the rolling-pin became exotic in the parlor. The embroidery blossomed in hectic tidies, splashes and drapes. Hand-painting was discovered.

So, from the Spencerian skylark to the perforated “God Bless Our Home.” Now the jigsaw was master; now, the incandescent point that tortured wood and leather into nightmare designs. Plaques began their vogue. (SeeGefoojet.)

Diabobical was the hammered brasswork; diabobical the sofa cushion limned with Gibson heads. The decorative fan, genteel; the pampas grass, dyed bright purple; the macramé bags and the seaweed pictures passed; came the embossed pictures stuck on bean-pots and molasses jugs; came the esthetic cat-tail and piano-lamp, “A Yard of Daisies,” and burnt match receivers and catch-alls, ornamented by the family genius.

Ah, Where are the moustache cups of yesteryear?

This object made of celluloid,This thing so wildly plushed,—How grossly Art has been annoyed!How Common Sense has blushed!And yet, these diabobs, perhapsAre scarcely moreoutréThan pictures made by Cubist chaps,Or Futurists, today!

This object made of celluloid,This thing so wildly plushed,—How grossly Art has been annoyed!How Common Sense has blushed!

And yet, these diabobs, perhapsAre scarcely moreoutréThan pictures made by Cubist chaps,Or Futurists, today!

DIABOBSee alsoGefoojet,GolobrifyandGorgule

DIABOB

See alsoGefoojet,GolobrifyandGorgule

Dig´mix,n.1. An unpleasant, uncomfortable, or dirty occupation. 2. A disagreeable or unwelcome duty.Dig´mix,v.To engage in a necessary but painful task.

Dig´mix,n.1. An unpleasant, uncomfortable, or dirty occupation. 2. A disagreeable or unwelcome duty.

Dig´mix,v.To engage in a necessary but painful task.

The type of the digmix is cleaning fish. At first it is disgusting, untidy, uncomfortable. Then, you begin to enjoy it, rather; and finally, as the clean, finished product of your skill appears, there is the refreshing sense of duty well done. (SeeGloogo.)

So with all household digmixes, stuffing feathers into pillows, peeling onions, taking up carpets, putting up stove pipes, beating rugs, attending to the furnace and washing dishes. You loathe the work, but, when it is finished, you’re so glad you did it.

The mental digmix is less satisfactory, but just as necessary. Discharging the cook is a digmix. Breaking the news of a death, refusing a man who has proposed, explaining just why you came home at 2A.M., accompanying a child to a dentist’s, getting a divorce, waiting on a querulous invalid, having a lawsuit with a neighbor,—all are digmixes. (SeeMoosoo.)

Why, to some, the mere eating of an orange or a grape fruit is a digmix! They feel as if they ought to take a bath and then go straight to bed.

But why enlarge upon a painful subject? After all, life is just one digmix after another.

Poor Jones was in a digmix—heHad blown his right front tire;He worked from half past one till three;Oh, how he did perspire!But that was not what crazed his mind;A digmix worse than thatConfronted him—he had to findThat day a good, cheap flat!

Poor Jones was in a digmix—heHad blown his right front tire;He worked from half past one till three;Oh, how he did perspire!

But that was not what crazed his mind;A digmix worse than thatConfronted him—he had to findThat day a good, cheap flat!

Dril´lig,n.A tiresome lingerer; a button-holer.Dril´li-ga-tor,n.Same as drillig.Dril´li-gate,v.1. To detain a person when he wants to go to work or get away. 2. To talk unceasingly at an inconvenient time.

Dril´lig,n.A tiresome lingerer; a button-holer.

Dril´li-ga-tor,n.Same as drillig.

Dril´li-gate,v.1. To detain a person when he wants to go to work or get away. 2. To talk unceasingly at an inconvenient time.

He rings you up on the telephone, or she rings you up, and drilligates you by the hour, if you are too kind-hearted to hang up the receiver. Of course she has nothing important to say; you know she is leaning back in her chair, smiling, and eating chocolates. (SeeLallify.)

The drillig calls in the rush hours of business, sits down, crosses his legs, and nothing moves except his mouth. He is never busy and never hurried. He catches you on the street corner, holds you by the button or lapel, in the middle of a cursing stream of pedestrians, and tells you a long, dull story. “Just a minute, now, I just want to tell you about—” The Ancient Mariner was a drillig. (SeeXenogore.)

The public speaker at the banquet rises with a bland smile and looks at his watch. “The hour is so late,” he says, “and there are so many more interesting speakers to be heard from, that I shall detain you with only a few words—” and he drilligs on for an hour and six minutes by the clock.

The drillig catches you in a corner at the club and tells you the story of his play; the young mother nails you to the sofa with her smile, and drilligs you about Baby.

The book agent, anchored in the front door at meal times, is the master drilligator of them all. (SeePersotude.)

I was rushing for the station,Had to catch the 5.11,When he caught me, seized a button,And began to talk—Oh, Heaven!For the Drillig was a golfer,And I knew he’d talk his fill;So I cut that button off my coat—He is talking to it still!

I was rushing for the station,Had to catch the 5.11,When he caught me, seized a button,And began to talk—Oh, Heaven!

For the Drillig was a golfer,And I knew he’d talk his fill;So I cut that button off my coat—He is talking to it still!

Ed´i-cle,n.1. One who is educated beyond his intellect; a pedant. 2. One who is proficient in theory, but poor in practice.

In old times, they spoke of “Book learning” and worshiped the edicled fool. But we are wiser today and know the hollowness of the edicle.

The edicle is the college professor who has listened to his own talk so long that he has mistaken knowledge for wisdom. The book-worm who has learned to believe that literature is greater than life. (SeeSnosh.)

A woman is an edicle, who prates “new thought” and juggles the trite phrases of a philosophy too heavy for her comprehension. (SeeOrobaldity.) A man is an edicle when he quotes Browning or Karl Marx or Herbert Spencer. Most clergymen are edicles, and persons who rave over pictures they don’t understand.

The book reviewer who can’t write a book himself, is an edicle. The dramatic critic is an edicle, for he has failed as a playwright. (SeeYowf.)

The college girl who can’t cook is an edicle; the young medico, newly graduated, with an “M.D.” painted on him still fresh, and wet and green,—a mere mass of quivering Latin words. All editors are edicles.

Josephus is an edicle,A Doctor wise is he;Oh, no!—not doctor medical—Only a Ph. D.His brain is like a phonograph’s,And he would starve, unlessHe’d started writing monographsOn “How to BE Success.”

Josephus is an edicle,A Doctor wise is he;Oh, no!—not doctor medical—Only a Ph. D.

His brain is like a phonograph’s,And he would starve, unlessHe’d started writing monographsOn “How to BE Success.”

Ee´got,n.1. A fair-weather friend; one who is over-friendly with a winner. A success-worshiper.Ee´goid,a.1. Self-interested, mercenary.

Ee´got,n.1. A fair-weather friend; one who is over-friendly with a winner. A success-worshiper.

Ee´goid,a.1. Self-interested, mercenary.

The eegot slaps the favorite sprinter on the back and cheers him on, but switches interest when he fails to finish. The eegot takes the popular side of every subject, curries favor with the rich and prosperous, and is attentive to the belle of the ball.

Four feet away from the popular hero, and you will find the eegots clustered close. (SeeElp.)

The eegot votes for the one whom he thinks will win—he believes that the rich can do no wrong.

The eegot always wears “the latest,” and reads only “the best sellers.” (SeeOvotch.)

He suddenly discovers his poor country cousin,—after she has married the Lieutenant-Governor.

Molasses draws flies—prosperity breeds the egoid parasite.

When you are rich and great and grand,The eegot needs you badly;He wags his tail, he licks your hand,He lets you kick him gladly.But when your fortune’s gone, and fame,Where is the eegot then?Oh, he is capering just the same—But now for other men!

When you are rich and great and grand,The eegot needs you badly;He wags his tail, he licks your hand,He lets you kick him gladly.

But when your fortune’s gone, and fame,Where is the eegot then?Oh, he is capering just the same—But now for other men!

Elp,n.1. A tricky, sly or subtle person; one who evades his responsibilities. 2. An ingenious ruse; sharp practice.El´pine,a.Disappointing; plausibly apologetic.

Elp,n.1. A tricky, sly or subtle person; one who evades his responsibilities. 2. An ingenious ruse; sharp practice.

El´pine,a.Disappointing; plausibly apologetic.

The elp is a clever promiser, who doesn’t make good. You never can pin him down,—he always escapes you. He won’t do what he has promised, or pay his debts; but his explanations are always all-but-convincing.

The tradesman is an elp, who promises to deliver those provisions in time for dinner, and always has a good excuse. The ladies’ tailor is an elp—the suit is never done on time. (SeeGoig.)

At the employment agency, the elps abound. They are always “sure to come” on Thursday. Friday and Saturday pass by.

The elp never quite knows, but would never confess his ignorance. It is impossible to get him to say either “Yes” or “No.”

Most infamous among the elps is the philandering suitor, who is attentive to you for years and years, keeping serious men away, and yet who will not propose. (SeeXenogore.)

He promised he would pay in June—Then August—then September;And then he sang the same old tune:He promised for December.His sister died—his wife fell ill—His brother needed help;And I believed his tales, untilI saw he was an elp.

He promised he would pay in June—Then August—then September;And then he sang the same old tune:He promised for December.

His sister died—his wife fell ill—His brother needed help;And I believed his tales, untilI saw he was an elp.

Fid´gel-tick,n.Food that it is a bore to eat; anything requiring painstaking and ill-requited effort. 2. A taciturn person, one from whom it is hard to get information.

The fidgeltick tastes good, but is it really worth while? Come now,—doesn’t salad really bore you—unless it is served, as in California, at the beginning of a meal, while you are still hungry? Broiled live lobster! How succulent, yet how meagre its reward to the appetite! Frogs’ legs are fidgelticks, and shad and grape fruit and pistachios. Why can’t such tasteful delicacies be built with the satisfactory architecture of the banana? The artichoke gives perhaps the minimum of reward with the maximum of effect. (SeeVoip.)

And who does not flinch at a Bent’s water cracker?

To make cranberry sauce with the skins in, and cherry pie with the stones, should be against the law.

So it is, to extract information from a railroad official after an accident. Interviewing the master of a steamer is like getting the meat out of a butternut, or the flesh out of a shrimp. Sooner or later, you will give him up in discouragement. He’s a fidgeltick! (SeeJurp.)

Politely you inquire of a ticket seller at the theatre; you might as well talk with a foreigner, or a deaf man. All, all are fidgelticks!

I wish that I could eat as fastAs actors, on the stage;Five minutes does a dinner last—No fidgelticks enrage.If they should dine on soft boiled eggsIn some new problem play,Or lobsters broiled, or frogs’ hind legs—What would the actors say?

I wish that I could eat as fastAs actors, on the stage;Five minutes does a dinner last—No fidgelticks enrage.

If they should dine on soft boiled eggsIn some new problem play,Or lobsters broiled, or frogs’ hind legs—What would the actors say?

Floo´i-jab,n.1. A cutting remark, disguised in sweetness. 2. A ladylike trouble-maker.Floo´i-jab,v.To make a sarcastic comment in a feminine manner.Floo-i-jab´ber-y,n.Feline amenity.

Floo´i-jab,n.1. A cutting remark, disguised in sweetness. 2. A ladylike trouble-maker.

Floo´i-jab,v.To make a sarcastic comment in a feminine manner.

Floo-i-jab´ber-y,n.Feline amenity.

For the flooijab of commerce, see the typical Ethel-Clara dialogues in the comic papers; and yet, one cannot describe the tone—the sugared smile that gives the shot its sting. (SeeVarm.)

Anent women’s looks, the flooijabs fly fastest.

“Oh, yes, Helenusedto be a very beautiful girl!”

“We’re not so young as we used to be, but you do look awfully pretty,today.”

“No,—I don’t think you look a day older,—except when you are tired.”

“I’msodelighted that you are engaged to Harry! How did you do it—‘holding the thought’?”

“They do say she’s awfully fast—but I never noticed anything—I think she’s sweet. Too bad she’s talked about so!”

“I think you gave an awfully good performance—of course, you weren’t a Bernhardt, but then ...” (SeeWumgush.)

“I’m so sorry you didn’t make good; it’s a shame! I think you did awfully well, really!”

“I thought your little story was so good. I suppose influence with the editors counts a lot,—doesn’t it?”

You think they talk of men and mice,Of operas, and cabs;Ah no! Beneath those phrases nice,They’re shooting flooijabs.No man can know—but women mayInterpret women’s smiles—It’s what they mean—not what they say,That stings in women’s wiles.

You think they talk of men and mice,Of operas, and cabs;Ah no! Beneath those phrases nice,They’re shooting flooijabs.

No man can know—but women mayInterpret women’s smiles—It’s what they mean—not what they say,That stings in women’s wiles.

Frime,n.1. An educated heart. 2. One who always does the right thing at the right time; a person who can be depended upon in time of need.

The mind is cultivated until it is hypercivilized, but where is the educated heart? The frime, like the fool, is born, not made; no one has told him when to speak and when to remain silent, or when to laugh and when to cry. (SeeZobzib.)

The frime knows when you are hungry, when you are thirsty and when you would be let alone. He speaks a person’s name so clearly when he introduces you that you can actually understand.

The frime knows when to come and when to go; he makes the lion as comfortable as the humblest guest. He sends you fruit instead of flowers. The frime knows the etiquette of life and love and death; he likes you in spite of your faults. As a lover, he never makes you or himself ridiculous. As a consoler, he is never guilty of that most ironic bromide: “If there is anything I can do, let me know.” (SeeSpuzz.)

When I was down and out, one time—Believe me, ’twasn’t funny!—I chanced upon a thorough frime;Unasked, he lent me money.When I was rich, and he was poorI lent to help his need;And did he pay it back?, Why, sure!There was a frime, indeed!

When I was down and out, one time—Believe me, ’twasn’t funny!—I chanced upon a thorough frime;Unasked, he lent me money.

When I was rich, and he was poorI lent to help his need;And did he pay it back?, Why, sure!There was a frime, indeed!

Fud,n.1. In a state of déshabille, or confusion. 2. A mess, or half-done job.Fud´dy,a.Disordered, untidy, unkempt.

Fud,n.1. In a state of déshabille, or confusion. 2. A mess, or half-done job.

Fud´dy,a.Disordered, untidy, unkempt.

What is a fud? A woman in curl papers and her oldest kimona. A man in his shirt-sleeves with his suspenders hanging from two buttons, down behind. It is a half built house; half cooked potatoes on the back of the stove. Anyone in stocking feet. (SeeFrowk.)

No one can help being fuddy, at times, so long as there is house-cleaning and moving to be done; but some fuds are fuddier than others. A house that is being reshingled, for instance, is far less fuddy than an actress washing greasepaint off her face, or stumbling in a peignoir through a Pullman car, her hair tousled, to reach the dressing-room. (SeeSpigg.)

Ellen’s top bureau drawer is fuddy, after she has tried to find “that veil.” The parlor and library are fuddy after the reception.

It’s an unpleasant subject. Let us end it, with the mention of half-dried wash and unwashed dishes in the kitchen sink. (SeeUglet.)

I call you fuddy—how severeMy accents disapproving!And yet, you cannot help it, dear,Alas, for we are moving!The house is fuddy—so am I,And so is everybody!The moving van is late, so whyShould we not all be fuddy?

I call you fuddy—how severeMy accents disapproving!And yet, you cannot help it, dear,Alas, for we are moving!

The house is fuddy—so am I,And so is everybody!The moving van is late, so whyShould we not all be fuddy?

Frowk,n.1. A spicy topic. 2. An action considered to be about half wrong.Frow´]cous,a.Nice, but naughty, or considered so; piquantly provocative; risqué, pertaining to sex.

Frowk,n.1. A spicy topic. 2. An action considered to be about half wrong.

Frow´]cous,a.Nice, but naughty, or considered so; piquantly provocative; risqué, pertaining to sex.

How frowcous is the limerick, in its most perfect form! That frowk which it is just barely possible to recite at a dinner party:— “There was a young lady so thin, that she slightly resembled a pin; don’t think that I’d creep to her window and peep—I was told by a friend, who looked in.”

’Tis a frowcous epoch—eugenics, white slavery, and the “dangerous age” are now the vogue, and a play that’s not a frowk can scarcely make a hit on Broadway. (SeeOvotch.)

In the era of “sensibility”—when ladies had the vapors, the sight of a man shaving himself was frowcous. Now, we subscribe for the foreign illustrated comic papers, and speak boldly concerning “Damaged Goods.” (SeeBleesh.)

Once a turkey trot was frowcous; bare feet and cocktails—but little is frowcous now. There aresomany “things that a young girl ought to know!”

A frowcous tale one day I toldTo Revered Eli Meek.His laughter he could scarcely hold—It lasted for a week.He couldn’t stop his wild guffaws;To calm his merry galeHe had to leave the church, becauseHe had to tell the tale!

A frowcous tale one day I toldTo Revered Eli Meek.His laughter he could scarcely hold—It lasted for a week.

He couldn’t stop his wild guffaws;To calm his merry galeHe had to leave the church, becauseHe had to tell the tale!

Ge-fooj´et,n.1. An unnecessary thing; an article seldom used. 2. A tool; something one ought to throw away, and doesn’t. 3. The god of unnecessary things.Ge-fooj´et-y,a.1. Superfluous. 2. Pertaining to an old garret.

Ge-fooj´et,n.1. An unnecessary thing; an article seldom used. 2. A tool; something one ought to throw away, and doesn’t. 3. The god of unnecessary things.

Ge-fooj´et-y,a.1. Superfluous. 2. Pertaining to an old garret.

“Oh, no, I don’t want to throw that away yet; I’ll give it away to somebody, some time,” or “We may need it.” This is the doctrine of Gefoojet, which, preached and practiced in New England, has outlived the dogma of infant damnation. A thousand housewife martyrs have suffered years of persecution, testifying to the sublime nonsense. (SeeQuisty.)

In my grandmother’s wood-house closet, were ten thousand pieces of folded brown paper, and one hundred miles of string, salvaged from by-gone packages in sacrifice to Gefoojet.

Old letters, half used scrap-books, bottles, boxes and fragments of hardware accumulate unceasingly.

What is a Gefoojet? It’s something you haven’t used for two years, an old magazine or your wedding dress.

This is what cupboards and closets, top shelves, whatnots and garrets were invented for.—Gefoojets.

Have you a camera? Go forth and garner gefoojets.

“That thing” you keep because it was given by a dear friend—beware of it—’tis a gefoojet. (SeeThusk.)

Seven years I kept her letters—howSome time, I hoped to read them!Alas, they are gefoojets, now!I know I’ll never need them.But still gefoojetry survives,And makes us slaves to Things;Each day Gefoojet, all our lives,Some useless present brings!

Seven years I kept her letters—howSome time, I hoped to read them!Alas, they are gefoojets, now!I know I’ll never need them.

But still gefoojetry survives,And makes us slaves to Things;Each day Gefoojet, all our lives,Some useless present brings!

Gix´let,n.1. One who has more heart than brains. 2. An inveterate host; an irresistible entertainer.Gix´let-y,a.Brutal kindness; misguided hospitality; an overdose of welcome.

Gix´let,n.1. One who has more heart than brains. 2. An inveterate host; an irresistible entertainer.

Gix´let-y,a.Brutal kindness; misguided hospitality; an overdose of welcome.

“Have some more of this—please do—Iinsist—I made it myself!” So says the gixlet, as she passes the piccalilli. (SeeVorge.)

The gixlet insists upon paying your fare everywhere, he begs your pardon, when you step on his foot. He introduces you to everybody he meets. In public, he praises you with excruciating conspicuousness. At home, he insists upon your going to church, or showing you over his new house.

He says, “Why haven’t you been before?” (SeeWumgush.)

He takes you on long walks when you visit him in the country, and want just to sit on the verandah and loaf.

The gixlet in the club orders drinks when you don’t want them, and insists upon your drinking them, because he does. The gixlet, in short, is the joyous, friendly dog, that leaps with muddy paws upon your clean, white trousers.

The Gixlets entertained me tillI thought I’d die the death;His wife and he could not keep still,Though I was out of breath.They showed me things, they made me gorge,Then walked me round the farm;That night, I killed them both, by George!Tell me, where was the harm?

The Gixlets entertained me tillI thought I’d die the death;His wife and he could not keep still,Though I was out of breath.

They showed me things, they made me gorge,Then walked me round the farm;That night, I killed them both, by George!Tell me, where was the harm?

Gloo´go,n.1. A devoted adherent of a person, place or thing. 2. A married person in love with his or her spouse after the first year. 3. Anything that can be depended upon.Gloo´go,a.Loyal, constant. Foolishly faithful without pay.

Gloo´go,n.1. A devoted adherent of a person, place or thing. 2. A married person in love with his or her spouse after the first year. 3. Anything that can be depended upon.

Gloo´go,a.Loyal, constant. Foolishly faithful without pay.

Do you take cold baths all through January, February and March? You’re a gloogo,—especially if you don’t talk about it. (SeeYab.)

Do you work over hours at the office? Do you come downtown early? Do you run in on Sundays and finish up a little batch of business? You’re a gloogo.

The gloogo, when young, studies his home lessons, instead of going to that Saturday night dance. In after-life he attends church every Sunday, and puts a quarter in the plate. If he plays golf, he prefers a rainy, cold day. (SeeVorge.)

The gloogo elevator runs all night—but it’s a curiosity.

The family gloogo comes to dinner regularly on Wednesdays and Sundays. (SeeXenogore.) Elsie Peach’s gloogo calls every day and always invites her to everything. Mrs. Valentine’s maid-servant is a gloogo—she loves to have extra company for dinner.

You are a gloogo, if you read Burgess Unabridged all through.

John Smith was a gloogo of forty-five,And he worked like a piece of machinery;He was fond of his wife (who was still alive),And he always took lunch in a beanery.He went to church, and he didn’t drink,And he had no sins, no mystery;And that’ll be all about him, I think,—For Gloogos seldom make history.

John Smith was a gloogo of forty-five,And he worked like a piece of machinery;He was fond of his wife (who was still alive),And he always took lunch in a beanery.

He went to church, and he didn’t drink,And he had no sins, no mystery;And that’ll be all about him, I think,—For Gloogos seldom make history.

Goig,n.A suspected person; one whom we distrust instinctively; an unfounded bias; an inexplainable aversion.Goig´some,a.Dubious; requiring references or corroboration.

Goig,n.A suspected person; one whom we distrust instinctively; an unfounded bias; an inexplainable aversion.

Goig´some,a.Dubious; requiring references or corroboration.

To one from Missouri, the world is full of goigs. Well you have to “show me,” too, when the new janitor takes possession of the cellar—he’s a goig. There’s the man with the perpetual smile; he’s a goig. Why do we watch the gentleman whose collar buttons behind, or the dog who doesn’t wag his tail? There’s something goigsome about them. He “listens well,”—but!I ha’e me doots! (SeeEegot.)

To the fondly doting mother, her son’s sweetheart is always a goig. When he’s engaged, she is still more goigsome. Once married, and the suspense is over. (SeeFrime.)

Would you be a goig? Then shave your upper lip and grow a chin beard.

The servile affability of an English shopkeeper, rubbing his hands—how goigsome! So is your wife’s man-friend, and the new cook.

But, best of all goigs—or worst—the man who says: “Oh, I’ll surely pay it back next week, at latest!” (SeeElp.)

Back to Index Next